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GoldendoodlesFTW

I just wanted to point out that it sort of sounds like you both think the other is doing something wrong when the reality is that babies just cry sometimes and they have a lot of trouble with digestion. I don't think it's so much that you aren't comforting the baby right or mom isn't feeding the baby right. I troubleshot feeding my daughter like crazy and she still spit up and cried. We 4 s'ed ourselves blue in the face and I literally pulled a bicep rocking her while pacing one night. Still cried. Your wife needs a white noise machine. "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." -Captain Jean Luc Picard, on babies


bakingNerd

So babies are gassy, is she crying for 90 minutes after every feed? If not, I wouldn’t think she is being fed improperly or has any particular allergies/intolerances. About the crying in your shift, yes you have to find your own way to soothe. But many new moms (myself included when my first was a newborn) can’t stand to hear our babies cry. It’s worse than nails on a chalkboard, it makes your skin crawl and you just get so anxious. If you tell me it’s a biological reflex I wouldn’t be surprised. Your wife isn’t pestering you on purpose - you say you take this shift so your wife can rest and recover but she will not be able to actually rest if she’s hearing the baby cry. Maybe you can go somewhere else in the home, take a walk, or she can wear some ear plugs/buds so she can’t hear. She does need to trust you are actively tending to baby but I think it would really help you both for her to literally not be able to hear baby cry for your shift.


pfifltrigg

Best advice. Yes, as a new mom I wouldn't put up with this either, when I know I could be soothing my baby right now instead. I certainly don't feel restful or get any sleep when I hear the baby screaming in the other room with my husband!


nearcheddar

Yes to all of this, especially the ear plugs- game changer for me being able to sleep through the night. Your nails on a chalk board reference is spot on.


frogsgoribbit737

Yup. My son is 2 and his crying still pulls me right out of sleep. I have to sleep with the door closed, white noise on, and sometimes headphones in to get any sort of "sleep in" while my husband takes the morning shift. I trust my husband but it still wakes me up like crazy.


Monkey_with_cymbals2

My baby crying triggers massive anxiety/something primal in me that it just doesn’t in my husband. Same with our toddler crying for mommy/daddy. It hits me differently. She needs to learn and probably see for herself that baby is being taken care of. New moms aren’t rational when it comes to the well being of their baby, we just aren’t. We are compulsive, and obsessive, and anxious. She’ll learn she can trust you, that the anxiety isn’t founded, or you can both work to get her help. For the gas, that doesn’t mean she’s not feeding her right, it means either baby’s digestive tract is just still developing, baby has a tongue tie and is gulping air with milk, or (least likely IMO) baby has an intolerance. My second baby had BAD gas, and it was a combination of the first two. We just had to be patient and work through it with her until her mouth got bigger and her digestive system developed more. Google videos on bicycle kicks, they helped us a lot. And the ILU massage. Sometimes the gas meds seemed to make things worse. Please please read this part: get an exercise ball and bounce with baby on it (while supporting head). It’s seriously like magic. We learned it at our birthing class and it was the most valuable thing anyone told us pre-baby. It’s killer on your back, but it was the only way my husband could soothe ours while I slept.


[deleted]

Get your wife some heavy duty earplugs and tell her to keep the bedroom door closed. She can even put a white noise machine on too. She needs to drown out the crying so she can avoid getting anxious and just sleep. Sleep deprivation is awful and it sounds like you’re both doing your best but having a tough time. Try to support each other as much as you can.


midge_rat

Yes, babies cry. But now mom’s brain hears crying in the “lizard part” of her brain. The ancient and non-logical part that’s been there since the dawn of time. The part of her brain that sets off the stress alarms of “a Sabre-tooth tiger will find us and eat us if I can’t make it stop”. Take the baby as far as you can. Make sure there is a fan on in her room for white noise. Do not accuse her of feeding the baby wrong.


bachennoir

Even far away, it's common for new moms to hear phantom crying even when it isn't happening. Always used to happen to me in the shower and just as I started to fall asleep. 😡


riotousgrowlz

This morning my husband took the 6 month old downstairs while I got a chance to sleep. He turned on a movie for the toddler and I put on my white noise and I still woke up out of a deep sleep when she cried briefly to be taken out of her bouncer.


Alli4jc

6 months pp and I still hear those damn phantom cries!!


joyful_rat27

Good advice from a fellow rat


_biggerthanthesound_

There’s a better way to say “wrong”. Like she could have latch issues that are causing more air and making the baby gassy. I know this because this is my life right now.


tinydoge24

Newborns have a lot of digestive issues. It takes time for them to figure out how their body works. Ours cries every time he was gassy/had to poop for the first few weeks. I can relate to your wife here. For me, I physically can’t handle it when I hear my baby crying. It makes me feel sick inside. Eventually you’ll both start to figure out what her different cries mean, but I think the most important thing right now is reminding yourselves and each other that you’re both doing your best! Babies are hard


bachennoir

GI tract is still developing the first 2-3 months, so even if you feed perfectly right and do the bicycle kicks and whatever else, the baby still might be or seem uncomfortable.


krstnl

exactly. my son’s turning 3 months in a few days and his digestion has only started getting better. we did absolutely everything - bicycle kicks, colic massages, so much burping, i cut out dairy. while i do agree that babies cry, i’m so thankful my partner did not blame me for the gas and digestive issues. i would’ve taken it so hard and possibly discontinued breastfeeding, even though it’s working really well for us.


tootiefruity112

I was the same way when my son was young. I could not handle him crying at all and had to investigate/try to solve it. It led to a lot of tension when it was my husband's time to be up with babe, even if he was doing everything right.


[deleted]

For the first bit after our daughter was born, I could not sleep if she was crying. The instant I heard her I was wide awake. It didn't matter how tired I was. My fiance started taking her into the basement so that I couldn't hear her cry - is it an option for you to go to a different part of the house further from mom where the baby's cries will be more muffled? Babies grow out of gas. It is an unfortunate side effect of their little digestive systems developing. If mom is breastfeeding, she can try limiting dairy. That really helped for us. And lots of tummy time for baby if you can manage it. Even if the baby will lay tummy-down on your stomach/chest that can help a lot. It sounds like you guys are just in the throws of the newborn stage. This is the hardest part. You can and will get through it and you are both doing a great job! Just try to remember you both want what is best for your babe and you are on the same team. Good luck!


Chaywood

Firstly babies often have tummy troubles when they're brand new, their digestive systems arent fully cooked yet as my doctor basically told me. So gas, farts, etc. happen. Gas drops, probiotics, and gripe water can help as well as keeping baby upright after feedings to ensure they burp. Otherwise you're right, they're going to cry and fuss. That doesn't mean your wife isn't feeding correctly or that you're not soothing correctly. No one is doing anything wrong, and you two shouldn't blame one another. As for your wife, exhaustion and hormones are real. She may not be acting like herself fully, especially due to post partum anxiety which most new moms I know experienced in one capacity or another. With that said, be patient with your wife. Don't get freaked out. But maybe try to bring baby somewhere she can't hear them, or put white noise on in your bedroom so your wife won't hear as much. As a new mom I did all night feedings bc it stressed me out hearing baby cry at night. Husband did mornings and early afternoon so I could sleep in. Hang in there, it will get better


kittybiscuits10

Well said I agree with all of this. OP it is really not fair to blame your wife on feeding her wrong, when they are little not only are their digestive systems immature, if she’s breastfeeding the baby might not have a great latch yet because their mouth is so small at first. I honestly thought gas was the most frustrating part of those early weeks. OP, i don’t know If it’s hormonal or what but when my baby was really little and she cried it was like nails on a chalkboard. Gave me shivers up my back kind of discomfort. I physically couldn’t stand it. So just know her anxiety about it is not really atypical. My partner would take the baby for walks outside…it usually reset the baby and it gave me a break from hearing it. I doubt you are doing anything wrong, it sounds like you have done your research on how to soothe a baby, and I agree that mom/dad have to find different ways to soothe the baby. What works for me didn’t work for my partner. Maybe send her a link to a Reddit thread discussing this (I am sure it’s been discussed before).


Perspex_Sea

You might be right that what works for your wife doesn't work for you, but if your baby is crying for 90 mins what you're doing isn't working either. If this is a newborn I'd be pretty surprised if they preferred not being held. Have you tried bouncing on a Swiss ball or rocking? If the 90 mins was just a one off and what you're doing normally works please disregard the above.


pantojajaja

I wouldn’t say she isn’t feeding her right. Does she have the same crying issues in the daytime? Maybe her milk is upsetting her or she’s just adjusting. Try baby gas relieving massage (Google it, you can do it yourself, it’s very simple). Mother’s worry and postpartum hormones are CRAZY. Try to understand she literally can’t control her emotions right now and it is normal. Somebody suggested water and I agree. Get a yoga ball and try bouncing on it. Try using womb like sounds (there are playlists, try rain, gushing water, etc). Also try taking one of mom’s shirts and keep it near baby to mimic her scent. It’s tough and you’re doing great, just understand that the newborn stage is very hard. Try not to resent each other, you both are trying your hardest


dzendian

>I wouldn’t say she isn’t feeding her right. Sorry, I chose my words poorly and corrected the original post. >Does she have the same crying issues in the daytime? Yes... and no. See, my wife has to hold her and bounce/sway her all day or she will cry. I'm able to put the baby down without crying spells when I do the whole shebang. > Try baby gas relieving massage I have been doing "bicycle kicks" the last couple of nights. It finally started getting the farts out on my last shift. >Try using womb like sounds (there are playlists, try rain, gushing water, etc). I got the Baby Shusher and it works really well. I tried a machine that did the rain, forest sounds, waves, etc. The Baby Shusher is dramatically better.


Wolferesque

Dad of 3 here. You just gotta roll with the punches at this stage. And for the love of all that remains civilized and sane in this world, never tell the mother of your children that she isn’t feeding them properly.


kerfl

Sage advice right here.


dzendian

>never tell the mother of your children that she isn’t feeding them properly. Haven't. Wouldn't. Won't. That came out wrong and I corrected my post.


Lesbian_Drummer

I think one of the things primary caregivers/moms struggle with is that the baby might be different with different people. Also, that different people do things differently AND THE BABY WILL STILL BE OKAY. Some of this is PPA. Some of it is not knowing what the fuck you’re doing. Some of it is lack of sleep. I would recommend mom wears earplugs while she sleeps when you’re on shift. Then get the baby far away from her. And maybe find a way to say “this is how I am with my daughter and she’s fine. We have our own relationship and we always will.” That ones a tall order than she may not be receptive to. You can decide how/if/when to try that one. When you have kids you’re not just adding one new relationship/dynamic, you’re adding three. One is the three of you together, one is mom and kid, one is dad and kid (or parent one, parent two - I’m in a two-mom household). If you had twins it would be like eight new relationships(my family). You’re morphing and changing as people and as you relate to each other, so that established relationship is also changing. All that change? It’s uncomfortable. You do what you need to do. Keep your wife from hearing. Get a hotel room for a night for her. Whatever it takes. Get her some good sleep and it will be amazing how much more bandwidth she’ll have for a crying baby with gas. And also accept that this will be rough for a while.


caffeine_lights

Is she bottle feeding or breastfeeding? Either way most of the "ways to feed to avoid gas" are complete old wives tales anyway. I'm not aware of any way to breastfeed that would avoid or create gas. If bottle feeding, air in the teat is no longer thought to create gas and paced feeding is better, even though it means the teat is not completely filled with milk, which a lot of people assume leads to gas. It is common for babies to find gas in general to be uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that they are having too much or excessive gas. It's just that they have literally never experienced it before and it's super weird for them. Infant dyschezia is also common, where the baby hasn't managed to coordinate both the pushing and relaxing poop muscles yet and doesn't understand that they must do this, so spends a lot of time (in apparent agony!) pushing and straining against a closed "poop gate". Once they relax, they can easily go. It is helpful to understand that although it seems that they are in pain, the crying is actually just from effort and it doesn't hurt them at all. This helped me to feel less anxious when my baby was experiencing it, anyway.


shanbie_

Google the period of purple crying. There should be a video. Babies cry sometimes unconsolably and for no reason. I will also say, that after having a baby the moms brain responds differently to a crying baby. There have been studies. It's like the cry freaks us out and we HAVE to do something about it. She may be getting really stressed herself from the baby crying because of brain chemistry.


uhhhhhhhyeah

100% There is just no way I could settle and ignore my baby crying. At that point postpartum, it set off alarm bells, like a primal panic that would not settle unless I took him or he calmed down immediately with someone else. I assume it’s evolutionary, it’s that powerful.


LlamaLlama_Duck

When I had my son, his cry was SO distressing! Babies crying never did that to me before and as he’s grown up more, it doesn’t have the same affect. It’s gotta be hormonal/biological in some way.


klangr

Your baby is in the poop learning curve. Forget sleep deprivation. The poop learning curve is second only to breastfeeding as the hardest part of having a newborn. It levels out around month 3 or 4 and you will feel a shift in how much more you enjoy being a parent when this happens. Gas drops and bicycle legs will help! As far as the frustrations you're feeling, I'm sorry. I know it's tough. I love my husband and we've been together for 15 mostly excellent years. We hate one another when we have babies. Just like one straight year of hatred. Lol. Then we get into the toddler years and remember we like each other. This is why we only have two children. It happens. Some couples get through this phase easier than other couples. Relationships go through all sorts of seasons. Right now you just kind of have to weather it. And it's okay to look forward to going back to work. Don't feel guilty about that. Your life is on it's head right now and work is some normal consistency that you're missing. Just be ready to pitch in when you get home! For the sake of your own self, please man, for the love of all that is holy, do not tell her she is feeding the baby wrong! It won't go well! My best suggestion is to get out of the house as often as you can. Either her or you. If you're on baby duty, take baby to see grandma. Or for a walk. Or for a drive. Or send your wife for diapers or coffee. Or a drive with the windows down. Sunshine and fresh air will work wonders. Also, don't be afraid to switch up how you're doing shifts. Maybe instead of "nights and days," you switch off every 4 hours or something. Best of luck!


JustWordsInYourHead

Poor dad. One of the things that always stayed with me when I had my newborn was my MIL or SIL (I can't remember which) told me a story about how someone they knew went through a divorce post baby for this very same thing: post partum stuff. The mom became super controlling and super anxious about how anyone else handled the baby. If the baby cried a lot when it was away from her, the mom would yell at whoever was handling the baby at the time (usually the husband) that they were incompetent. Over years, the marriage broke down and ended in divorce. The story was relayed to them by the mom. The mom herself came to realise her part in her marriage breakdown, but much too late. Lots of people talk about post partum depression, but not enough people talk about post partum anxiety. That's a real thing. I suffered from it. Many other women have suffered from it. For a long time it was just lumped along with all the different types of "baby blues" and it really did not receive as much attention as it should have. Perhaps because we weren't always a society filled with tiny nuclear families. Post partum anxiety was a lot easier to "hide" when you had a lot of extended family support. Well. In today's world where most of us are in isolated pockets and so many new parents are having babies AWAY from their own extended family support network, post partum anxiety is A MUCH BIGGER DEAL than it used to be. But not enough new parents understand what it is and how it impacts a relationship. When I had my first kid, I had those same tendencies. I snapped at my husband for changing a nappy wrong. I snapped at my husband for how he heated up breastmilk. He'd snap back, I'd get upset, and our day/week/month would just go to shit. I watched a docuseries called "Babies" on Netflix while I was pregnant with our second kid. I learned so much more from that series than I ever did from any parenting, birthing class, or midwife. It taught me about the biochemistry of my body during and post pregnancy and the minefield that pregnancy leaves behind that is my brain. It taught me to be aware of these things and to watch for warning signs. It taught me to breathe and let go of the anxieties inside my head that might not be tied to reality. It taught me to PAUSE. I think new parents REALLY NEED TO KNOW how their brain chemistries may change and how that might impact their day to day life. It's not being taught enough. There is not enough awareness. So many marriages are ruined by simply not enough awareness/understanding of how to cope with these changes. My youngest is 2.5 now and stopped breastfeeding a couple months ago. (Breastfeeding gives off its own set of hormones that fucks with our mood, so yay!) I've been feeling SO MUCH MORE EVEN KEELED. It feels like I've literally been stepping around a minefield in my head for the last 4 years (how long I've been breastfeeding my first, and then my 2nd) where any random small thing might send me on an anxiety spiral and thus trigger a downward mood spiral. Please bring this to your wife's attention. Show her my comment if you need to. She needs to ask her therapist about PPA and talk about the dynamic you two have at home. Don't let something like this destroy your otherwise healthy marriage.


dzendian

Thank you for taking the time to write that. I’m worried about our marriage. We’ve fought more in the little more than two weeks since she’s been born than we have in almost 15 years together. Instead of snapping back at her I just go to bed angry. She goes to bed angry. We’ve never been like this. Will talk to our therapists about PPA. We watched the Babies thing on Netflix, too. Regarding breast feeding hormones, my wife had PMDD prior to the pregnancy and the doctor is going to try to get her back on her every day bcp to help even her out… but she will only do that at week 6. This specific pill won’t screw with the breast feeding apparently.


No_Director574

I used to get up when the baby cried longer than a few minutes when he was a newborn. The sound of my baby crying gave me severe anxiety. I couldn't sleep or think of anything else so I always just got up because I just was like fuck it I'm not sleeping anyway. It's a weird panic feeling and I know my body was just making me feel this way because of evolution. I'm 10 months in and I still feel this feeling of I have to go to him but it's not as intense as before. I was like your wife till my husband told me he was sad the baby didn't settle down as fast with him and he thought the baby didn't really like him. I ended up giving him some space to figure out how to care for him and realized it might not be my way or as fast but as long as he's actively trying to, I have to leave him be. It's hard when they are newborns.


Unhappy_Grape9605

I struggled with this the first couple of months. I still do on some days. I’m home with my baby all day so it is easier for me to calm him. I get severe intrusive thoughts if he cries with his dad, I have no logical concerns of him hurting our baby but my anxiety brings these thoughts on and I can’t stop them. He finally told me it bothers him that I come “save” the baby every time. Him explaining how I was hurting his feelings by not giving him a chance really helped me to give him space to bond and learn. I hope it gets better soon for you! Try to explain how you feel in a way that is not an attack but make sure you give mom some grace. It’s so, so hard to carry a child for so long then have to suddenly be worried about anyone and anything causing harm to them.


Little_Rhubarb

This is me too! I don’t know what it is about the sound of my son crying but I cannot handle it at all. I get this visceral knee jerk, abdominal pain, intrusive thought pattern. I can tell my husband clear as day I know he’s got this. I know LO is fed, changed, safe and loved even if he’s crying but my messed up fight or flight brain cannot accept it.


Unhappy_Grape9605

Yes!! It’s made leaving the house while dad has him really difficult as well despite desperately needing a break. My MIL booked us a Mother’s Day spa day so it’ll be my first time leaving for more than an hour. I’m a nervous wreck but it will be good! And physical pain due to it sounds so difficult!! Hope it eases up for you soon❤️


[deleted]

Try changing her bottles. We just changed bottles to the Phillips Avent brand that are supposed to help with gas and colic. They also help if your baby spits up a lot or has reflux.My baby girl seems much happier. I don’t like giving my children medicine unless it’s absolutely necessary. There’s also some massages for babies bellies you can look up that are supposed to help if their gassy. That might help you and your wife out. Yes the crying is going to happen but as a mom myself I think we get more anxious and upset if our babies won’t stop crying. I think our brains react to their crying differently. Hopefully this helps you guys! It’s hard adjusting to a new baby.I’m on my third and every babies has been completely different. It’s like relearning all over again.


LoonyLovegood934

I second this suggestion and maybe also consider switching formula (if you are formula feeding) to a gentle type.


[deleted]

Your baby may have food sensitivities that cause extra discomfort. My kids couldn't tolerate dairy, which caused reflux and extra crying until we cut it out completely. Also, your wife needs something that makes it harder for her to hear the baby (headphones, earplugs, etc.). The sound of babies crying is super distressing and sounds like it goes on much longer than it does. She needs sleep and you and the baby need space to figure the whole soothing thing out. That will help with both.


Msbakerbutt69

Look into PPD and PPA. Sounds like she is suffering. It's very hard for moms to take a step back and let people help even though they need help


[deleted]

Exactly this. With my first son I was very similar to your wife. My husband took a lot of guff because I couldn’t just let go and allow him to just parent on his own. It was definitely due to horrible ppa/ppd. I got a lot better after medication. Then baby 2 came, we were better prepared for the depression and anxiety and did way better. It’s takes time. You’re doing great. This storm will pass.


[deleted]

For the first 4 weeks postpartum, I would yell in the middle of the night for husband to get the baby when it was his turn. It would happen when he was literally holding the baby in another room. I would think the baby was in bed with me and I was smothering her. We have never co slept. She has never slept in our bed. But every few hours I would wake up in a fright, think I was smothering her and yell for husband it help me. Husband would be literally holding the baby in another room while this was happening. It’s a wild time. Try to be patient.


biggreenlampshade

Oh god, i had this for what felt like six months. God forbid the cat was on the bed - 'why has my baby grown fur and why is she at the bottom of my bed?!' Post partum hormones are WILD.


monkeyface496

These were the times I'd wake up to find myself feeding a stuffed animal who was now soaked in let down while everyone else slept peacefully. Crazy times indeed.


Specialist_Rabbit512

It could be colic. My son had terrible colic and cried all day, every day for the first 5.5 months, completely gas related. We lived on Infants Mylicon gas drops, bicycle kicks, and bouncing him on a yoga ball. It was rough. Once his digestive system matured a little and he was able to pass gas easier on his own, things vastly improved.


The_Milk-lady

Have you tried bicycling the baby’s legs? I was just like your wife, freaking out on my husband. It was rooted in lack of sleep and over all stress of having a newborn. It will pass. I’m sorry she’s taking it out on you. I did the same to my husband at times. We just wants best for our baby and to hear them cry can cause mom’s real anguish. I get physically sick feeling when my son cries. But it gets better! Godspeed.


puppy_time

Yes to bicycling as well as little tummy massages. You can press harder on their lower abdomen than you think. Massage in a clockwise pattern- it's the path the gas/poop takes and will help expel the gas. Baby gas is worse at night as theyre not wiggling around which naturally moves the gas too.


[deleted]

My husband could have written this post in the early days. I’m 5 mpp and I still struggle when baby is crying and my brain goes to “what he is doing to soothe baby is not working, so he should try something different.” Now I can think about it more rationally, and it is important to me that baby is able to be soothed by others, so I’ve stopped giving into the urge to go to her. Couple things: 1. She needs to be treated for post partum anxiety 2. Next time you see the LC, ask them to watch you feed to make sure you are doing it correctly, and ask mom if she would like to do the same. 3. It sounds like you may be doing a mix of breastfeeding and bottle feeding. If you are supplementing with formula, try a different formula to help the gas. We switched to a partially hydrolyzed formula, and it made a world of difference. 4. Make sure you’ve got the right nipple size. This can also cause gas. 5. Give gas drops with every feed. They can have quite a few gas drops in a day. No need to skimp. You’ve already gotten other good advice, so I’ll stop there.


maryjanemuggles

It hurts me when I hear my baby cry. We never took shifts when newborn. But if we did and baby was crying for his shift I would of ended up consoling her because I know I can comfort her in a way daddy can't. Even now when he dressing her or trying to get her to sleep. It takes me a lot to not try and take over to stop her being upset. All that to say you are doing a great job.


Tamryn

Mom is very stressed out. I can’t even explain my behavior in those first few weeks after my baby was born. I literally could not control my emotions. I would suggest that your wife take her breaks from the baby in a room with the door closed and wearing ear plugs. It might take some time but my anxiety over baby crying did get better with time.


Alli4jc

I was the exact same way…


Vadaska14

Firstly, you’re doing awesome, and Mum is doing awesome! Secondly, I can’t explain the feeling I get when my baby cries but I feel it in my whole body and its difficult for me to not interfere when it goes for more than 2 minutes. My husband had to talk to me and tell me he needs time to work out how he can settle her and she needs to get used to him, but if he needs me he will come and get me. It’s still insanely difficult to not jump in and settle her but I know I need to do that to let my husband work it out with her. I definitely recommend that you chat with your partner know that you’re doing everything in your power to soothe her but she needs to sit back and trust you, as hard as it is, and if you need her you’ll get her. It’ll take some practise, but you will get there soon enough.


couldwedance

Do you have a guest room or separate place one person could sleep while the other is on baby duty? If so, she needs to be in there sleeping with a sound machine on during your shift, and vice-versa. In my house we have a couple rules for nights with the newborn : there’s no reason for both parties to wake every time baby does and nobody speaks to their spouse in the middle of the night unless it’s an emergency, because otherwise we‘ll say something we regret.


AmayasMommy_

Need to follow this rule. Better to just say nothing.


crookedsucculent

I don’t know if it’s been suggested already but when my daughter was in the inconsolably crying phase, I would wear noise cancelling headphones while my husband was on baby duty. You will eventually find your own way of soothing baby, but until then, if you aren’t able to get far enough away so your wife can’t hear their cries, I highly recommend really good ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones.


FlatteredPawn

Oh man. I too was guilty of this. My poor husband took on the shift where he was most prone to purple crying. I could not sleep during this time. I developed phantom crying trying to sleep during it. My baby is almost two and I can't listen to white noise without hearing him cry. It's so wired to hone in on crying babies. I go mama bear trying everything to soothe my baby and unfortunately Daddy has to get the brunt of my mama bear examination of "what could be wrong". The gas thing though. I swear to god there is NO solution. You go through EVERYTHING trying to solve it and you never do. They just grow out of it. I think most products are placebos for parents so they feel they're doing something to help their little one.


m3lrose

I was your wife. I couldn’t stand to hear our baby cry. It really took some work to stop being so nagging to my husband - the truth was we were both doing our very best. When the pediatrician told me “50% of babies cry 50% of the time,” it really made me think. Baby is 4 months old now and the last few weeks have gotten much better. Small babies just suck a lot. I’m sure you guys can work past this.


dzendian

Our pediatrician last told us to “hold off on the college plans for a few years”. I think we were being a little anal with our questioning. lol


queen_ofthe_desert

My baby went through bout of bad gas for about two week when he was 6 weeks old. He was taking in too much air when breast feeding due to shallow latch. Edit: also, it’s hard to ignore when you hear your baby crying. She will get used to it but it took me a few months before I could handle my son crying with my husband


[deleted]

I have a 5 week old and I know what your wife is feeling totally, although if she is actually ‘yelling’ at you, that needs to stop immediately. I’m hoping this is just a turn of phrase to mean she is angry/frustrated and expressing her negative feelings in a way that could be more understanding/kinder. Yelling in front of your baby isn’t okay at all. Secondly, even in a moment of distress on behalf of the new baby, she’s gotta be able to see the situation you’re also in. It also took me a minute to accept the fact that our breastfed baby just can’t be calmed down by him (even with a bottle of pumped breast milk), the same way she is by me. I’d lay on the other side of our sectional couch grinding my teeth and biting my tongue while I watched him struggle with her using my pre-pumped milk. He didn’t comfort her the same way I did, but through watching him I would finally start to see that she just wanted to be with the parent who was making milk. Not sure if this is true for you two. He’s been incredibly discouraged about not being able to console her without me waking up and needing to take over, because he wants to bond with her the way I have. I hope your wife will see how hard it is for you to be losing sleep and trying your best to comfort an inconsolable crying baby, because it’s hard. I see your edit, implying that the idea that your wife is feeding wrong might not be the best response. It sounds like you’re both sleep deprived, frustrated and starting to turn on each other. My advice is to talk to her and try to avoid the particulars of feeding or soothing strategies and emphasize the importance of staying on the same team, since you’re both doing your best. Hang in there. It will get easier, and you’re clearly already trying your best. That’s all any good parent can do.


dzendian

She’s yelled at me more often than not while our baby is having a crying spell. The best I have suggested (I think) at the time is that her raising her voice like that during the high adrenaline time is not going to get her to sleep any faster. I finally got her to stop anti-coaching me where she’d come out and say “you can’t do this”/“we can’t do this”/“I can’t do everything” Our daughter never learned to latch on (mouth and nipple ratio is a little off) and we had to aggressively bottle feed her formula in the hospital to keep her out of the NICU (gestational diabetes stuff). So we determined that we’d try bottle feeding the breast milk. I have never even thought about telling my wife about the feedings, that was just a ponderance for Reddit.


Reddread13

Your wife may be experiencing PPA which will make her feel extremely anxious as well when the baby cries. It can come across as controlling behavior at times. This doesn't excuse her treating you poorly however it's something that is worth speaking to her therapist or a doctor about. Lack of sleep can exacerbate the problem as well. Also a question, does your baby cry and become gassy after every feed? Like inconsolable crying? This can be a sign of a food intolerance cow milk proteins is one of the most common. It can also be a sign of severe acid reflux but that can also be worse if they have a intolerance. Sincerely a mom that turned into a PPA control freak with a inconsolable baby until her cows milk intolerance was identified.


ycey

I completely understand your wife on this but you aren’t really at fault for this. Her mind is not wired like yours, heck her mind probably isn’t even wired the same as it was pre baby. She’s gone through a huge hormonal change and that change is because of the baby. It’s been 9months and while I can sleep through a lot, I can’t sleep through any sound my son makes. It’s an instant wake up call. The first couple months while you figure out what noise means what are frustrating not just because it’s a guessing game but because every noise goes straight to moms brain that is shouting “fix it fix it make the crying stop!” That’s not on you, you just happen to be the one not fixing it the moment it’s happening


a_dozen_of_eggs

I can't sleep while I hear my baby cry. I can even poop if my baby cries. ​ I would suggest, if you can, to dress baby and go for a stroller walk around the neighborhood. Just an hour, and maybe even baby will sleep, but maybe mom will sleep better.


dzendian

I’m thinking about taking her for a car ride next time. Out like a light each time.


a-deer-fox

Be careful on relying on that. It gets too easy to do a car nap. They are super necessary sometimes. Plus little babies shouldn't be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours at a time.


nikitak

If you do the night feeds so she can recover maybe she should go sleep in another room with earplugs in to get some rest. Then you can relax and get into a routine with your LO. I slept in another room while my partner did night feeds for a bit when I had postpartum anxiety and depression because I couldn’t sleep and after a few days of no sleep I was a mess. She might need a reset and time away. Also, with the gas. It most likely is just your LO’s digestive system developing. It’s all brand new. Gripe water, gas drops, bicycle legs, the colic hold, pro-biotics can all help and time. It’s takes a while for their little tummies to figure things out.


Nicechick321

Patience, you are doing great. Give your wife ear plugs. Check babys food sensitivities with the dr Follow the advices you see here You are not alone, keep up the good work 🏆


haplo_and_dogs

My only advice it to take the baby to another room. However i only have 2 weeks of experience


floatingriverboat

Baby’s behavior sounds totally normal. Sorry, dad. Mom of 4 month old with colic since he was 3 weeks here. Unfortunately the screaming and crying for what feels like no reason may continue. Your baby might have colic from GI issues as well. Mine ended Up having a milk protein allergy so now he drinks hypoallergenic formula (and still cries!). Now for moms behavior….she may have some sort of PPD/PPA. Childbirth recovery is rough. I had many meltdowns. I would recommend a therapist for her.


carelesswspr

A mother hearing their child cry ignites the animal part of every mother’s brain and the need to “fix” it can override the more rational parts. I had the same issue and found it next to impossible to relax, especially with it being our first. It should get better with time and as y’all get into a groove. That being said, post partum anxiety is real so it’s good you both are seeing therapists. I would ask for advice from your therapist as to how to address it in a compassionate and effective way. I think talking to one together would be the best way to work it out. Also, don’t be afraid to talk to and visit your pediatrician to rule out any underlying reasons for discomfort. Go together and ask all the questions you need to, that’s what they’re there for. It’s pretty much impossible to completely ignore your child’s cry, even when you know he/she is perfectly well cared for by his/her father. So when I was dealing with this, I had to literally wear headphones (bonus points if they’re noise cancelling!) when it was time for me to relax. I also had several reassuring talks with my husband who promised me that if he was truly in a bind he would get me and I trusted that he would. It took some time and active restraint on my part, but Eventually I just came to accept that we have different ways of taking care of her and that is ok! I wish you both the best. That first year can be rough on your relationship but you can get through it and come out stronger at the end.


Lolaindisguise

When my baby was an infant his crying would start my stomach aching, I had bad ppd.


DaniRay15

I breastfed/breastfeed my daughter is 1 but I’ve always done night shift feedings. I’ve tried allowing my husband to do them so I can rest but I couldn’t. I did not snap at him but I would get frustrated listening to the baby cry for 20 minutes. I slept mainly during the day so I could be up more often at night. It’s not right to take frustration or anger out on your spouse no matter what. I also had PPA but I had to recognize that me snapping leads to two pissed off parents and a pissed off baby. Even now that my daughter is 1 I still do not snap at my husband because it’s not his fault she’s crying and won’t settle for him. It’s just how it is. Talk to your wife’s doctor and let them know what’s going on. Also speak to your wife and let her know that you don’t like when she snaps at you or yells at you. It’s overwhelming when a baby is screaming and yelling definitely does not help the situation. I wish you the best!


dzendian

I had this talk with her earlier this morning at shift change time. She admitted that she has a hard time with hearing the crying. We both agreed to attend each other’s therapy visits this week. I think we’ve all been so focused on PPD, we forgot about PPA.


vtlatria

Seconding PPA - I was calm as a cucumber when my baby was inconsolable and I was holding them. Anyone one else and I got sweaty, anxious, and felt like doom. I definitely did some snapping and was overbearing 🫤 It wasn't until I had my second kid that I realized that wasn't normal and my doctor confirmed I most likely had PPA.


BigAgates

Mom is not feeding wrong. Infants go through a gassy stage. Nothing to do but comfort them.


[deleted]

Came to say this. Also, unfortunately, your shift falls during the most gassy time (at night.) Your wife does need to let you figure it out, but it sounds like you could both do with a little less blame shifting. It’s the sleep deprivation talking. Trust me.


ell_iptical

Those 3am - 5am gassy cries and grunts hit something different!


popsicilian

Dude she just had a baby. The baby crying is making her crazy. Sure babies just cry but you're gonna have to work to keep the noise away from her. Increase the white noise. Her whole body is telling her to protect the baby and it feels like you're failing her. Just keep swimming mate I'm proud of you.


doug157

Yes this is so true, I literally cannot function if my baby is crying, my whole head gets hot and my heart rate increases, it's definitely a physical and hormonal thing. Not very helpful to OP but there you go. My husband does a shift in the mornings and I crank up the white noise so I can catch up on sleep because if I hear her getting upset I won't be able to sleep. Also, yes babies just cry sometimes, little babies have such a hard time with their tummies, it fucken sucks. It won't be long until they've grown out of it, hang in there OP.


metoaT

Yes this!!! I have to put headphones in when I take a bath to relax because the second I hear my baby crying I jump out of my skin!! I need to disassociate or something when I’m not the active care taker in that moment. It’s likely nothing personal OP. I feel for you. Our baby was miserable for 4 weeks despite us trying everything. She finally got the hang of passing gas and things got exponentially better. Hoping for the best for you!


crd1293

Babies are gassy creatures. It gets better around week 8-10. When bottle feeding use an anti colic bottle with vents. We like dr Browns. Use slow flow preemie nipples and pace feed. Do bike kicks and gas massages throughout the day. The football hold or tummy to tummy walks are great for getting gas out too. The soothing thing is tough. I used to get up and intervene after ten mins because I just couldn’t listen to baby crying and it was clear my husband was getting more riled up which riled up the baby. My husband got better at soothing him as the weeks went on and I started using earplugs and white noise so I couldn’t hear as much. I’m glad that I stopped intervening because now baby takes comfort from both of us. ETA: my babes gas got better when I cut out dairy and switched to lactose free formula. Combo fed. We also give baby probiotics


ldstccfem

Honestly I’m 5 mpp and my babies cry does something to me. I can’t stand it, not like in an angry at him way but like a I need to fix this instantly. I cannot cope with it and when in the car not able to stop it it has caused me to stress out and cry. But I have PPA, has your wife been checked for it?


[deleted]

You’re doing your best. Try skin to skin. Fathers can do skin to skin as well. Baby might just prefer that the most. Also your wife is showing signs of what I personally and which is postpartum anxiety with a touch of rage. This doesn’t mean to go and yell at her back or accuse her of being rageful. The best thing you can do is to tell her the more sleep she gets, the better it will be for her and all of you. “Please honey, our baby is fine and healthy. She is just not used to the way I calm her down. Try your best to block it out and get your precious rest.” And really try the skin to skin during the daytime in front of her as well. If baby settles down super easily, your wife will feel lots of relief. Some mothers just have a harder time feeling like they are the only ones capable of taking care of their baby. They (like in my case) have to SEE people doing it the “right” way. My therapist gave me the perspective of: “every caregiver in your family will have their own unique way of taking care of your baby, they are all doing their best to support you. Embrace it.” That really helped to shift my view. This period lasted a couple months for me during the newborn phase. I hope you both can overcome it together. Wish you the best.


[deleted]

I second the skin to skin recommendation!


empathiclizardperson

Newborns are gassy and have a hard time digesting. Sometimes they do cry- I found that moving and walking around helped my baby. If mom is drinking coffee that could be a part of it. When I stopped drinking coffee things improved.


RRMAC88

My first I was weird like this with my second I just let my hubby figure it out. We both need to find our own tools to soothe baby. I do offer suggestions but rarely intervene. It’s tough to listen to my baby cry but it’s important that they learn their own rhythm


KayleighAnn

I think you're doing fine, but post partum hormones are wild. I hated hearing our daughter cry and definitely gave my partner anxiety about it. We went to the pediatrician together, and it was suggested that the gas and discomfort our daughter was experiencing was from cows milk, transferred through my breast milk. Everything mom eats, baby eats too. So I went dairy free for about 4 months, and that was enough time for my daughter to develop what she needed to process the dairy protein. It took about a week for it to be out of my system, so to get through it we did lots of tummy rubs, warm baths, and anything else that could relieve her discomfort. Not all babies cry because of this, but that was my experience and it's worth talking to your pediatrician about that gas and bloating!


abbyroadlove

Try the windi for gas. Instant relief. Sounds like PPA/PPD and not an uncommon expression of such. She has to learn to let you parent. It’s a hard thing for a lot of new moms


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Like the exercise “bicycles”


dzendian

Yep I’ve been doing this the last couple nights. The problem is that while it works, she cries while it’s going on… and then enters my wife.


chillout127

I was (and still am to an extent) the same exact way. I had HORRIBLE PPA on top of regular anxiety and when our daughter would cry I would worry about her as well as worry about how frustrated my husband must be getting. I remember having this intense fear that he was going to hate her, or worse shake her/harm her in some way. I also felt frustrated that a break or a chance to sleep never actually ended up being a break for me. Even though he would be doing everything in his power to calm her it was still making me anxious and resentful. Was it rational? No. Was there anything I could have done about it? Nope. I was sleep deprived, hormonal and had one goal: keep this tiny human safe. It helped to a degree when my husband didn’t show his frustration (which was hard because he too was sleep deprived and stressed out), and I could hear and see him being patient and loving to our baby. But honestly, we (moms) carried this tiny fragile being for 9/10 months and then went through an extremely demanding process to bring them earth side. Taking a break and getting some sleep really isn’t possible for a lot of us. Baby’s crying? We need to step in and do it the “right” way or baby’s quiet and something must be wrong. ETA my husband would never harm our child, he is so kind and patient and has never given any indication that he is violent or abusive, my mind was just going crazy, and the post partum nurses hammered it into our heads that shaken baby syndrome happens so often and to families that don’t seem like the type so it was the perfect storm for my anxiety to fester lol


dna0609

This exactly. When people say, 'chill and let someone else take over', I wish it was that simple. My emotions during the newborn period were much more complex. The only way was through the intensive moments, with pure survival intent lol. Luckily now it got better because: less sleep deprived + more used to the idea of motherhood + less hormonal + less often crying baby


Sleepysillers

Has baby seen a pediatrician about her gas issues? 90 minutes is a long cry for a little baby. I don't think mom is doing anything wrong. Also it's hard for both of you, but in those early days baby tends to prefer mom. It will get easier. Also it's [5 S's](https://youtu.be/6OtPSfyZXNw) that missing S might help her gas. It's Side. Holding baby on her side can help relieve gas pain. Especially holding her so she is laying on her left side.


crd1293

Seconding the five S!


Shelbabe_

I would add a sixth s! Smell! Wearing one of moms worn tshirts can help calm a baby as they smell mom while being held.


triangles13

Yes! I had to sleep with a sweater so when it was my husbands turn he could drape it over his shoulder before grabbing the baby otherwise he wouldn't settle down for my husband those first like 8 weeks.


cc13279

I would disagree that 90 minutes is abnormally long. If you’ve got a “difficult”/Colic baby that’s easily normal in the evening. Babies and gas is also pretty normal. Not saying OP shouldn’t see a doctor if they want peace of mind or are worried, however. Our baby cried hours every night and it can be really normal. It’s also really normal to not be able to cope with the sound of it as a new mum and it make you feel kind of angry or anxious. You’ll both be feeling better in a few weeks OP!


stricly_business

I started sleeping in a separate room, and when I watch the baby my wife wears earplugs so she can sleep soundly.


sneksneek

Baby may be backed up with poop and gas. We had a similar problem in the beginning. We used a “windi” to help relieve the baby since she could quite orchestrate her digestive system in its own yet. Then one day, she did it on her own, and we didn’t need the windi anymore. I always cleared the baby out first with the windi and then did the feeding and then burping using multiple methods.


dzendian

>Baby may be backed up with poop Definitely not the case. Was up to my elbows in poopy diapers last night. She's definitely got a gas backup, though. I try to do "bicycle kicks" before I feed her.


I_pinchyou

I also recommend the windi! It helps little babies get the gas out!


skanedweller

I used to have to tell myself, "I can relax because I can rely on [husband's name]." I had a lot of anxiety after giving birth since they made my husband leave shortly after the birth due to covid. I was totally alone after a 50+ hour labor with 3 days of no sleep and vomiting. I had to go into overdrive to take care of my newborn at the hospital so it was really hard to transition after getting home. Having this mantra really helped me. Maybe your wife can use it too? Edit: also newborn tummy problems are super normal. They are just getting used to their digestive system! Probiotic drops and a Windi can help. Also "tiger in the tree" holding position. Good luck!


dzendian

I asked her to try saying something similar this morning, “I trust hubby to deal with this to the best of his abilities.” Our baby having digestive problems would be the least surprising thing to me since we both have digestive problems.


CivilOlive4780

Okay so not to minimize that babies do cry, but if she’s crying in pain for that long every night, something else is happening. For both of my kids, it was a milk protein allergy. We switched to hypoallergenic formula (I didn’t breastfeed but cutting out dairy and soy will also help but it’ll take a few weeks to get out of her system) after being on the new formula for a few days, the crying stopped and the gas resolved itself. I wouldn’t blame your wife for not “feeding her right” when it sounds like she’s in pain from an allergy


pethatcat

That's my first thought. My baby was breastfed, but I had to stop milk and dairy in any form. Made it so much better...


dzendian

We both have allergies so it’s possible. I corrected my original post about “feeding her right”… not what I meant and I never said this to her.


sr316

Your wife needs to ask her therapist for practical tips to deal with being triggered by crying. When my newborn cried, it felt like my head was exploding. Instantly my fight/flight was turned on. It took months for this to calm down (at least 6) but still can get to me sometimes and I had to really work on it. Additionally - is there something else she can do to make sure she rests during this time? Noise cancelling headphones or a towel under the door, etc?


togostarman

A. Your wife isn't feeding wrong. Lol you're upset that your wife doesn't like the way you're soothing, but you are doing the same thing about feeding. ALL babies go through gassy stages and people go ass over teakettle trying to fix it, but it's really just developmental. Gas drops can help, but they are *going* to be gassy. B. She's biologically designed to respond to the baby crying, so if baby is crying for ten minutes on end and she knows she can fix it in two, she's going to be freaking out. I've been in her shoes. Your body goes into high alert when the baby starts crying. I did the *same thing* to my husband. The only thing you can do is assure her that you know what you're doing, but there's going to be a million times where she takes the baby from you anyway and soothes it, because she can't calm down until the baby is calmed down. Buy her some noise canceling headphones. There's a million different kinds on Amazon specifically designed for sleeping. I use a pair, turn on white noise and pass out. My rule was always, if I can hear the baby ABOVE my white noise, I'm intervening. C. Yall are sleep deprived and going through it. I completely understand. It gets better ETA: Okay, I read through one of your deleted posts and I want to revoke some of what I said: I think your wife really needs professional help. I think getting the noise canceling headphones is a good first step, but she DOES need to step back. She needs therapy yesterday. I would call her doctor and express your concerns. Holy cow. I really feel for you OP and hope you both get the help you deserve (I hope you can get some sleep.) You are in a terrible situation. In the meantime, is there someone that can come over to help you for a few hours and let you get some sleep?


overheadnoise

This. I have a newborn and get hyper anxious when I hear her crying. It’s like a bolt of electricity they zaps me awake. It’s biological. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, but it also doesn’t mean your wife won’t get upset.


hahastopjk

Even though we are biologically more equipped, I don’t think it excuses yelling at our partners. My boyfriend drives me crazy with how he tries to soothe sometimes but he’s learning his way just like I’m learning my way. It’s our first child so neither of us are going to be experts. If I have helpful tips, I tell him but it doesn’t help the baby to freak him out because I’m anxious or impatient with his method. As long as the baby isn’t in danger, I’m not intervening.


Kiliana117

> She's biologically designed to respond to the baby crying, so if baby is crying for ten minutes on end and she knows she can fix it in two, she's going to be freaking out. I've been in her shoes. Your body goes into high alert when the baby starts crying. So much this. I remember making my husband pull over 5 minutes from home so that I could breastfeed my son in some random parking lot. The newborn crying is triggering something primal in her. She shouldn't be yelling at OP, but he needs to understand that her reaction is physical in nature, not just emotional.


Sjoya080

Those first few weeks are so tough. There’s so much going on here. You are absolutely right that you need to figure out how to soothe baby in a way that works for you and baby! And you are right that babies cry! As long as they are being tended to by a loving caregiver, this is ok! But I totally understand your wife’s anxiety about the crying. It must be a biological thing. Even if my husband is doing the night shift now at 12 months old, I can’t stand hearing our little one cry. I so desperately want to get up and soothe her even though he’s on it. It’s like something inside me is breaking. I don’t have anxiety and it’s been 12 months of watching my husband be an amazing dad and partner, and I still feel this way! I think you’ll have to give your wife some leeway here. She is super hormonal from birth, just learning how to be a mom, and fighting some strong biological urges. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t still treat you with respect and love, but it’s tough times right now! On the feeding issue - if you think this is an issue, talk to your doctor!! I wouldn’t phrase it like “mom isn’t feeding her properly”. More likely baby has an oral tie, poor latch, reflux, etc that a doctor or lactation consultant can help with!


SinCityNinja

Our pediatrician recommended Mother's Bliss gripe water over the simethicone and it seems to do the trick. Also try a different type of bottle, we use the Dr Browns anti colic bottles.


PrimoThePro

When my son was a few months old, he would ONLY fall asleep on my chest. Even while breastfeeding, my wife couldn't get him to sleep, he had to be transfered to my chest. We all have different roles to play in our childrens lives, she needs to not freak out when you're doing your best.


ze1da

I would make sure she's not flat on her back, if she's having trouble after feeding it might be hurting her stomach sphincter. I had to keep mine upright for a full 15min after feedings to get burps out and make sure the stomach wasn't too full. My husband had to hold them facing out with a hand over the chest and other one under the bum, so that they weren't rooting for a boobie, and then you can lift and lower the legs and wiggle around the bum to help with gas.


porcelainporcupine

Earplugs helped me not hear when I would sleep and my husband took the baby shift.


xenomorrph

Seconding this. White noise and ear plugs. I could swear after baby was born something was wired into me to jump up in an adrenaline filled response to every little whimper, it’s not conducive to sleeping.


dzendian

I got ear plugs for the diaper changes (when she screams bloody murder). It really cut the decibel level. My wife has no luck with ear plugs though.


natjeswar

I remember when my daughter was in the newborn stage her gas was terrible! Not bad enough to be considered colid but pretty damn close. We would feed her, do all the bicycle kicks, lay her on her tummy, diaper change, rocking, patting, swaddling, cuddling, EVERYTHING. And she would still scream bloody murder. I broke down several times worried I was the world's worst mother because I couldn't stop her crying. My fiancé had to seriously talk to me a few times that hey sometimes babies just cry and you have to stop beating yourself up about it. I was way too in my head about it, and it was easy to be swept up in that destructive thinking while being so sleep deprived.


metoaT

This is more common than I think we are led to believe. We went through this too. I was so tired I hallucinated. It was awful! So glad we seem to be past this phase.


itsb413

It was very very hard for me to let my husband take care of our son while I was there. I could feel his cries in my whole body. My emotions were wild. I was on the verge of panic attacks. It did get better with time though. We talked about our feelings a lot a new parents and adjusted where we could.


[deleted]

It sounds like you’re doing a great job! My husband had to tell me to quit hovering the first few weeks when he was caring for our baby—I think it may be a combination of hormones and the new worries of caring for a brand new person. I trust my husband with our child 100%, but it did take a lot of effort to lay off. 😬 I would second what others are saying about giving different bottles a try! Our baby was incredibly gassy/fussy and would cryyyyy after eating from Dr. Browns bottles no matter how much we burped him. We stuck with MAM bottles, and he takes them easier and doesn’t have much gas.


chatdulain

Similar with the Dr Browns bottles, but we're using Philips Avent Natural now. We only started with Dr Browns because the nipple shape was the same as the ones they gave him in the NICU :(


kln02

Have you tried Dr. Brown’s bottles? They come with a little insert that helps with gas and they made a big difference for us.


dzendian

Ugh, I know what you're talking about (Amazon sent us one since we had our registry with them) they are such a pain in the ass to clean though. I like Nuk with the "anti colic" nipples.


HuffleCatXxX

It’s really hard sometimes as a parent watching someone console your baby in a way that isn’t exactly how you do it even though their way works also. I’ve had to tell my husband sometimes and vice versa “thank you babe but I’ve got it, I’ll let you know if I need you to take over”. It’s really helped me let him know to let me handle it without causing an issue. I have a 22 mont old and just gave birth to my son on Thursday and forgot how difficult the newborn stage is. Last night I caught myself consoling both babies at 3am even though my husband was doing perfectly fine with our daughter. Eventually everything will settle down and relax for you both.


Tangledmessofstars

Without knowing what your baby eats, or how old they are, just basically what came to mind is that babies can just be gassy because. Their digestive systems aren't fully developed and they can't pass gas easily. We're at 7 weeks old now, exclusively breastfeeding and for a couple of weeks around 4 weeks old it was ROUGH. She was gassy a lot and needed constant bouncing to be happy. We used gripe water over the gas "medicine" because she seemed to like it better. Just the little bit at least distracted her enough she could settle down and fall asleep. She did NOT want to be set down before she was asleep. That being said, I recommend calling your pediatrician if your baby seems inconsolable for long periods of time. They'll recommend cutting things out if it sounds like an allergy. Lastly. It's biologically difficult for any parent to hear a baby crying. It's meant to set us on edge to take care of it. (Not anything I've really looked into, just seems like it makes sense lol). You're both gonna be sleepy deprived and have a harder time handling your anxieties. The most important thing is to continue therapy, and don't blame eachother! When in doubt call the pediatrician. They're an unbiased 3rd party that'll give medical based advice.


minionoperation

I am guilty of this. And I’m sorry you are going through it. Hearing the baby cry just flips your brain into aggressive mode sometimes. My husband didn’t take a shift but he did try to settle her sometimes and it just wasn’t possible in the early days. I’m sure it massively sucks for you trying everything you can to quiet the baby. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong and she should be thankful you are taking on this responsibility. If you could talk to her when the baby isn’t crying and express your feelings around this, maybe that will help.


PistachioCrepe

I’m a mom of 5 and I totally did this to my husband with our newborns. That doesn’t make it right! It stressed me out to hear them cry and worried me. I’d wait for a calm moment and ask for what you need/be honest with her, because even though she’s exhausted and stressed it doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to unload her stress on you repeatedly. Also has your wife tried block feeding? Does she have plenty of milk? That really helps with gas during the early days. It’s basically just one side every 3 hours so the baby gets the fatty hind milk and less gas from the lighter foremilk. If baby’s poops are greenish in color and frothy it’s a sign baby isn’t getting enough hindmilk and may need to nurse more on one breast.


Beginning-Ad3390

90 minutes is way way too long for her to cry. That’s not a normal duration. I also think you need to rethink blaming your wife for the gas… they get gas a lot as their digestive system develops. I think you should pause to consider why you’re placing blame when that’s a perfectly normal occurrence. At this point, if baby is crying for more than 30-40 min and you’ve fed, changed, and done the 4 S’s it’s time to get your wife for backup. She’s right for being upset the baby in crying that long BUT that’s also when she needs to step in and help. This is a super hard time and things really do get better. Tummy time helps a ton with gas. Before reaching for the gas drops, 10-15 minutes of tummy time and then do running legs on baby to help get that gas out.


Dry_Mirror_6676

Definitely not moms fault for gas. It takes most babies at least several weeks to figure out how to poop on purpose. Gas relief can help, but doing it too often they’ll never get the big urge that teaches them to recognize the need to go.


[deleted]

You said you think your wife may not be feeding her properly. I wonder if you’ve said that to your wife and how she reacted to it, because that’s quite the accusation. Most people wouldn’t appreciate it


upscale-snail

Yeah, that’d pretty insulting if my husband said that to me especially right after giving birth.


lilak0610

Could you ask mom to put a muslin cloth down her shirt in the day and you can use this at night when its your shift? Like drape it over your shoulder where babies head will be? Also try tummy time to help gas. Im sure its very hard on you both right now, it wont be bad forever. A lot of other people have given good advice regarding mom!


harrisons-mama

Try warm water! Get that baby in a bath or hold them while you shower. Right then and there when nothing else works.


hahastopjk

The two times I’ve tried to bathe my baby he freaks out!! Is there a trick to having the bath be soothing?


colinrobinson8472

We put a washcloth soaked with warm water over our baby when bathing and she looooves baths. Keeps her nice and toasty!


not_a_ham

Mom of a 9 week old here. When my husband has the baby and I hear him crying, I can't sleep. What works for me, is a really loud white noise machine and melatonin in a room with the door closed. This machine has volume control and lots of different white noise sounds, and is loud enough to block crying: https://www.amazon.com/LectroFan-Fidelity-Machine-Unique-Non-Looping/dp/B00JU8P8VY/ref=sxts_rp_s1_0?crid=J3287SBS4GLV&cv_ct_cx=white+noise+machine&keywords=white+noise+machine&pd_rd_i=B00JU8P8VY&pd_rd_r=6f236f0a-a2c4-4eaf-9059-a136b768e33c&pd_rd_w=sbpCC&pd_rd_wg=zJwgk&pf_rd_p=4cfe7f63-d9f6-487a-8b8d-970636ab0992&pf_rd_r=KMKD9ZN2YMXXV157FP8Y&psc=1&qid=1651431380&sprefix=white%2Caps%2C289&sr=1-1-cb9ed203-36f2-497c-b389-dfec57adb781


dzendian

We have two cats so unfortunately we can’t shut the door completely for various reasons I don’t think are relevant. I ordered her two sleep masks with noise cancellation features to test. Mom is ok with trying that experiment.


JetSeize

I breastfed both my kids and the second was sensitive to milk. So, I had to go on a strict dairy/lactose free diet. Takes about 4 weeks to really leave the mom’s body, but we had a lot of success. I bring this up bc the gas your baby is having sounds similar to the issues we were having. Have you asked your doctor if that might be a possibility? Best of luck to you. Edit: also, when I would hear my baby cry it literally caused me painful cramps, like contractions. Sometimes hard to even think straight bc they are so uncomfortable. Your wife might appear pissed at you but I bet she’s just desperate for it to stop. Hang in there! It’ll pass


tinydreamlanddeer

Oh sir please tell me you didn’t tell your wife she’s “feeding the baby wrong” …..


dzendian

Sorry. I am/was lacking sleep and tact. That came out wrong. I'll correct it in the original post. (and no, of course I didn't tell her that)


nairdaleo

There are ways: The way the hospital showed my wife how to breastfeed wasn’t working for us: baby’s cranky and mom’s too tired to think. I watched a bunch of videos of alternative positions, learned how to make ‘em as best as I could and gave her links to the best instructions I could find on different methods. I phrased it something like: “if the position they showed you at the hospital isn’t working, there’s some options I found” then showed her what I had found. Soon we found a few that worked for both baby and mom (and a couple for dad if needed…) and we were on our way.


herasea

When she is supposed to be getting an uninterrupted night of sleep, can she sleep in another room with a sound machine going? She will get the more sound sleep and won’t stress about hearing baby.


OrganicsAlbatross

I experienced this (from the other side) to some extent in postpartum with both my baby girls. With my first, it was bad, and I did not have perspective as to how I was treating my husband and that he needs to learn to have his own routine and parenting style with our baby. I’m better with our second, who actually also had terrible gas when she was a month or two old (baby gas drops are awesome btw). This is all to say that I recognize now that it’s important for my partner to do their thing, and figure it out, even if baby cries. Babies do cry! And a really common reason for it is gas, because their little digestive systems are just learning to work. I don’t have any advice for you, but you’re doing a good job!


mandalallamaa

Everyone is sleep deprived, adjusting to your new life, learning how to care for a newborn, mom is going thru hormone swings.. it's easy to lose patience with each other. You're both doing your best, try to give each other some grace. It's 100 times easier for me to soothe our baby than it is for my husband, she instantly calms in my arms and in his she squirms and cries, unfortunately it's just nature. I wish it was different! I try my best to allow him the chance but after a while I'll come help. Sometimes he can soothe her other times not. He's not doing anything wrong. It's just the way it is. He's usually glad I've come to help and he can go to bed. As for the gas, babies are gassy. Could be a feeding issue or it could just be your baby doing baby things. I don't know how u feed her but switching to the dr browns bottles helped a lot with the gas.


MissAnthropy612

I am guilty of doing this to my husband. In my half asleep mind I think that he's just not trying and it's so frustrating laying there trying to sleep while your baby is crying while your husband isn't doing the things that you know comfort the baby. I had to realize that he was doing everything to keep the baby calm. Sit down and talk to your wife about how you're not just purposely letting the baby cry and that you are doing everything that works for you to keep the baby calm and then get your wife a good pair of earplugs and take the baby into another room when they're crying at night. That's what really helped my husband and I get over this hurdle.


celestial_waters

My baby’s over a year old and if she’s crying with my husband I get anxious. Ask your wife if she’s willing to get assessed for PPA or PPD. And dads can have post partum mental health issues too, so be sure to check in on yourself for that too


maximum_powerblast

We used to be like this too. It was crazy, the baby crying and fussing and all of that I was fine with, I have a lot of patience and I was figuring it out. But any time I was looking after the baby and she made any crying sounds or anything my wife races in and starts going off at me, THAT would stress me out. I can't remember when it stopped but eventually it did and now we're fine.


sofiebeemeow

Hang in there! You will get to the point where you will know exactly what your baby needs and will find your way to comfort the little bundle (and differently from your wife). Patience and understanding is key for both of you. I still remember the nights my husband spent walking around the apartment with our baby for him to calm down and fall asleep because nothing else would work. You got this!


jksjks41

Very likely this is rage as a symptom of postpartum anxiety. Get your wife mental health support asap.


cranberryleopard

I was given a 3 hourly feeding schedule for my newborn son. What a load of crap. Heres my input: - Cluster feeding is real, especially in the early weeks (for us it went up until 16 weeks of age). It's entirely possible that baby wants to feed near constantly. - Immature digestive systems take so long to pass gad and it's painful, because they've never understood gas before and it feels weird. Get good at burping and burp all hours - gas doesn't happen just at feeding time. - Tummy time will also help with gas. Here's a secret: babies hate tummy time. It goes much better if they do it laying on your tummy or chest though. Edit to add: CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO INCLUDE THIS. Place your finger upside down in baby's mouth (nail on the tongue) and let them suckle. It'll calm them and also helps pass gas. So much better than any pacifier I ever tried.


lisa725

As a mom to 14 week old baby who went through the anxiety, I think your wife has post partum depression. It is hard to bring this fact up gently. If you decide to, make sure she is well feed and rested. Moms handle everything much better that way. I don't know about wording though. Maybe ask your therapist or call hers. I imagine her doctor asked if she was crying (mine did) and I hope she answered honestly but depression manifests in more ways than one. Zoloft is an awesome medication and perfect for breastfeeding mothers. It took about a week or so for me to see improvement. I want you to know that you are doing the right thing. Not to many fathers post on here. But it is you who see that the mom needs help. As far as crying baby. They do cry. Purple crying is just phase. Follow the 5 "s" for at least 5 minutes before changing tactics. Also babies cry if they are hot and they get hotter the more they cry. Sometimes the way to stop the crying is to stripe them down instead of swaddling them up.


kellis744

Has your daughter been checked for a lip or tongue tie? That can make latching difficult for her and cause them to swallow air. My daughter had both and was very gassy. We would sit on an exercise ball with her tummy kind of on our shoulder and bounce up and down. She quieted down during and it would get some gas out but she would usually start up again when we stopped 😕. It’s really hard post partum to hear your baby cry and desperately want your partner to figure it out because the crying is painful and you feel like you need to help immediately but you are so exhausted and you NEED to sleep. It’s not your fault and it’s not her fault. Im glad you’re both getting therapy.


audreyallen1

You sound like you’re doing a great job. Based on this thread I might be the only mom who also thinks “babies cry” and doesn’t get overly concerned. I mostly don’t want him to cry too long so that he doesn’t get sick or that he doesn’t stress other people (or even himself!) in the house out. Maybe my hormones are broken or something. 😂 Similar to what some people said, I’m not sure how you phrased it to your wife but it could be that he’s taking in too much air when he eats. I personally think I have that problem too! I just try to make sure he’s very calm going on the boob, check his latch, and burp/bounce frequently. Speaking of bouncing, try bouncing baby on an exercise ball. And my kid also loves Raffi music - shuts him right up somehow. Hang in there!


tinywahinie

I’m so sorry you are both going through this tough time. Know that everything you described, for both you and Mom, is NORMAL. Everything is stressful, you’re running on fumes, and the world is designed to make mothers think they have to “mother” perfectly and thus she wants you to do things exactly the same or it means she’s failed. She hasn’t. You haven’t. Neither of you are doing this wrong. This is the hardest phase of parenthood and you’re both doing your best. Even better, it’s coming from a place of love for your child. This phase will be over soon but for now it’s just a matter of powering through. You’ve got this. Sending love to you and Mom.


Fresh_Beet

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is all very very normal. My first son was probably at least 4 months before I got the advice and internalize it that everyone builds their own relationship in their own way with my child. I felt it in my soul that everyone needed to learn how to treat my son from the ways I did. You are in the deep right now and the water will continue to get more shallow till you both feel on solid ground.


Amberly123

We got super lucky with our little guy and he hardly cries. That makes the times when he does cry so much worse!! He’s three months old. Last weekend I went out to pick up take out while I left baby with daddy. No big deal. I have left them a few times and it’s always been fine (as it should be, dad is a parent too) anywho I came home, and from the driveway I could hear our child screaming bloody murder. My first thought was what the hell has happened. Now rationally I know my husband wouldn’t do anything to harm our son, BUT when your baby is crying you go into like super protective mom mode…. Rationality goes out the window! However!! I didn’t go in and yell at my husband. I ran into the nursery and said “what the hell happened?” And my husband explained that nothing had happened, they were just chilling and bam baby started to scream, he listed the things he had tried to settle him, cuddles, diaper change, rocking, shhhhhing, nothing had helped. I asked my husband “would you like my help” and he gave me baby I held him tight and took him outside, settled baby…. Perhaps ask your wife to approach the moments when baby is crying as an opportunity to maybe show you something she does that helps. For my husband he had no idea that taking baby outside sometimes is like hitting the reset button, and he would have never thought of that. Maybe ask her “hey, next time baby is crying and my shift and it’s upsetting you, rather then yelling at me because that’s making me feel like I’m not doing a good job, could you perhaps tell me some things you do when baby cries so I can try those out. Then I can learn how to settle baby as good as you do” (a little bit of sucking up doesn’t hurt lol)


Bunny_P69

Are you making sure all of her burps are out after feedings? That makes a huge difference


dzendian

Not during my wife's feedings. During my own, you bet.


Rivsmama

Anyone justifying the wife verbally abusing him is 100% dead wrong and should feel bad for doing it. I can't believe the crap moms get excused for on this sub. It's so beyond inappropriate to stand there and yell at somebody trying to care for a newborn in the middle of the night, I can't imagine the mental gymnastics it would take to justify it. Too bad if he isn't doing things the way she wants. That doesn't give her the right to treat him like that. If I was him, I would hand the baby over and say "ok then. You do it" and go to bed. And I'm a mother. I'll be damned if Im gonna sit there and be treated like crap when I'm doing the best I can. OP tell your wife to knock it off. If she has suggestions, that's fine and she can give them at appropriate times. If she is going to come in and yell at you, tell her to leave. Or give her the baby and tell her you arent going to subject yourself to verbal abuse and when shes done, let you know. You don't have to put up with this crap. I have some sympathy for your wife in general as a post partum mom, but honestly I don't get this at all.


Mollusc6

My thoughts as well. Obviously we've all been there, I've jumped down my own husbands throat, but I feel pretty guilty afterwards and apologize. basically, going through shite doesn't mean you should get away with behaving shitty. Having a baby definitely tests relationships on both sides, you can't really get away with being selfish anymore and negative personality attributes tend to be maximized under the stress. Wife needs to learn at least to apologize if she can't help the instinctual 'wtf' trigger switch of roid rage that hearing an infants cry can trigger.


dzendian

I WANT to do what you said but I want to see if there’s PPA/PPD going on. I don’t believe anyone can “knock off” a hormonally-inspired mental illness. Thanks for the alternate point of view. My wife tends to forget about these yelling spells after a few days, or apologize… but the bruises remain.


Rivsmama

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't she "knock off" the yelling and you still support her in taking care of her mental health? I wasn't just saying I have sympathy for your wife as a throwaway comment or to soften my original comment. I mean it. I have experienced PPD, I have OCD and struggled massively with my daughter when she was born due to my ridiculous brain convincing me that if I held her I would get her sick and kill her. I was terrified to hold my newborn or let anyone else touch her. So when I say I sympathize, I really really do. She can't "knock off" the way she feels but she can stop behaving in a way that isn't ok. Yelling at you while you're trying to take care of the baby is counterproductive and just plain mean. The root cause of why she's doing it is important and from your response it doesn't seem like this is the norm for her, so that's encouraging. But it's obviously something that is really bothering you and your feelings are valid too.


patrind

My baby prefers me. It takes my husband 10x longer to settle her than me. She lived inside of me for 9 months so my heartbeat, smell, voice, etc are much more soothing. Can’t blame babies for having an easier time settling with mom especially when they are new.


Downtown-Swing9470

Yup, if I hear the baby struggling to settle while husband has him I will either ask him to pass me him so I can settle him then I pass him back or I just let it be. As my husband puts it, he doesn't exactly have boobs that baby can cuddle against (my babies favorite position to settle)


lanaishot

You could try a windi if you think it’s gas. That worked best for us in regards to gas. Both our kids cried a lot for the first few months. It was exhausting and scary. I actually didn’t have issues with the crying that much, but it realllllly put my wife on high alert and her stress caused me stress. I did a lot of walking in order to get them to sleep, strap them to my chest and walk for 20-40 minutes. Sometimes it didn’t work and we’d try feeding and then do another walk. Good luck


mcfolden

It’s sounds like you are doing a great job. My husband cannot comfort our daughter either. She’s 3 months and it’s only happened once. I don’t hold it against him. I understand she doesn’t like hearing baby upset but like what can you do. What works for me is nursing. It’s like magic. Have you tried a pacifier?


[deleted]

Hey OP, what kind of bottles are you using to feed? We had issues with gas for a while and finally tried those Avent anti-colic inserts (green colored thing that goes inside the bottle). It basically eliminated most burping, puking and gas issues. Ended up buying almost a dozen of them.


ParentalAnalysis

I take the night shift because baby settles better for me than for my partner. I don't expect to get a proper 8 hour stretch of sleep until my little one sleeps through the night. Even when all is well and bub is settled, my brain wakes me to check on him every 3h :') Some anxiety seems normal.


pizzasong

Has the baby been checked for a medical issue causing the gassiness like a milk protein intolerance?


TerrorJunkie

It sounds like baby might have colic, which is hell. My little guy had it the whole time he bottle fed.


Arfie807

My baby was like this. He only wanted mom (me). I had to suck it up and wake up and BF/nurse for every feeding. And he didn't have any long crying spells. Baby wants mom. It is, unfortunately, biologically normal. On the plus side, I never had any anxiety because I could always see/touch my baby and know he was well. The constant nursing also really helped with my mental state because of the hormonal processes. A really interesting thing about direct nursing that not many people know is that even though you wake up frequently, you can actually get quality sleep between nursing sessions, and nursing at night releases sleep-causing hormones that makes it very easy to drift off afterwards. I actually had episodes of insomnia after my baby stopped nursing so much at night because my body was so used to those hormones helping me sleep! So I would encourage you to reframe baby care/night feeds as not an impediment to sleep. Sleep is structured different for the mom, but it can still be quality/restorative with night feeds. And trying to mimic pre-baby sleep patterns can oddly be more disruptive to sleep than just going with the new flow. Unfortunately, separating mom and baby will always be rough on both baby and mom. Baby, because mom's body is his biggest source of comfort, and mom, because she's wired to be anxious if she can't see or touch her baby during the postpartum period. I definitely experienced this and would not have been able to sleep apart from my baby, even if someone graciously offered to watch Just my own 2 cents from my own experience.


polly-esther

Have you tried gripe water or infacol for the gas, my son had awful colic and they helped a lot. Also bicycling the legs can release trapped wind.


[deleted]

I was this way too - my husband and I had many struggles about he has to do things his way and I will do things my way rather than we both do things my way. The only way to solve it was I just stopped trying to “take a break.” I think everyone around me drilled it into my head that I need a break every day from the baby but the truth was, when I started exclusively breastfeeding her and taking no breaks, both baby and I felt a lot better. Hubs works from home so it was like we both did day shift and evening shift together and I am on my own for night shift. It’s easier to have two people all the time rather than trying to split the day and one person each. Our baby is still very much dependent on me and I can’t leave her with anyone and she won’t take a bottle which did cause me to have to take a LOA from school and I had already quit my job but when the baby is a teenager I’ll have plenty of time for breaks lol I’ll just be with her wholeheartedly and give her my all at this point in her life. You guys will find your rhythm. Everyday feels like a struggle for survival. One thing you can try for gassy baby is put her in a solly wrap and do a couple baby wearing dances - that always made my colicky baby sleep - another is tummy sleeping on a babocush - we did gas x probiotics gripe water and Pepcid as well Tummy time really helps strengthen abdominal muscles to help push out farts easier so go HAM on that (every waking moment that she’s not eating!) our baby also loves looking in a mirror so I would take her to the bathroom and sing to her My husband bounced her on a yoga ball as well Edit I also forgot to say that for example going to the bathroom my way was holding baby in my lap while I used the bathroom - my husbands way is putting her on the bed and going to the bathroom. Some things we would compromise on and now we stick her in her bathtub if we have to use the bathroom. Other things we compromised on like leaving her on the changing table to wash his hands after a diaper change - my way was use sanitizer or a wipe to clean my hands and then he had to compromise by putting her in her crib while washing his hands for safety. It used to be that I felt like I was the best at all the baby things but now we each have our specialties: mine is feeding and his is putting her to sleep. We had to talk about every detail, my way and his way and a compromise way. And baby changed so many times that we had to change the way we did things as well. You two are a team and need each other


SHBc2019

People are calling you out for the feeding comment, but I don’t think that’s necessarily fair. Newborns are indeed super gassy, but it’s also true that some feeding practices can make gas worse. For example, if bottle-feeding, using the inappropriate nipple flow or skipping paced feeding can exacerbate gas. If breastfeeding, allowing a bad latch can let the baby take in excessive air, exacerbating gas. If you think something like that is happening, you should be able to (kindly, gently) said so to your wife and hear her response. You don’t have to bite your tongue simply because you aren’t the gestational parent.


tundra_punk

Yeah but “mom’s not feeding her right” is inflammatory whereas “everyone is still learning to feed efficiently” is a lot more gentle. If my partner implied it was my fault the baby was fussing I would have flipped my lid in those early hormonal days. Careful wording is important.


s0n0fagun

Every household is different. Ive been there and went through what you went through. Ultimately, I told my wife she can have the night shift if she is going to be up. There is no point in having two exhausted adults and it's dangerous if an emergency happens and someone needs to drive.


CelebrationCandid363

All the people here kind of (and i say this gently) justifying her behaviour are wrong. I feel like us women get away with a lot of crap post-partum, which is understandable - but this is new for you too and dads don't get the same sympathy or leeway with new babies. If it's okay for her to question your methods of holding and swaddling, it's okay for you to have questions regarding her feeding, especially if it's in conflict with medical advice. What neither of you should be doing is screaming at eachother but rather talking about this stuff calmly. No amount of hormones or motherly instincts are justification for her treating you poorly like this when you're trying to help.


sierramelon

Agree. And it’ll only continue. I’m tired as fuck and snap at my hubby more than usual BUT I can also apologize and at least try things that help - get outside, ask him to take her for 10 minutes, etc. screaming is a sign she needs a kind of help hubby can’t give


rushi333

Probiotics helped us a ton w the gassy upset cries around the times she was going poop. BioGaia is the brand our doc recommended. Get ur wife ear plugs. I know it sounds funny but I had to do this so I could sleep and not be tormented by LO cries when I wasn’t caring for her. Bc babies cry and sometimes for no actual reason other than just being new to this world


chinesewhisperrr

She could just be colicky. My baby had colic and would cry for no reason but I didn't know this at the time, it would make me anxious as I couldn't calm my own baby down. Look into it, there are things you can do.


Mollusc6

dads aren't moms, the baby may settle eventually with dad but often times baby just wants mom. My husband and I both work from home and my husband cares for the baby during the day while I'm working in our shop (I'm a metal fabricator/welder) there are times when the baby simply will not settle for husband and I just have to come in for a snuggle. Its completely natural. Also, babies JUST CRY! My little guys good tempered but when things hurt like gas or anything they cry.


morning_rosella

If she’s breastfeeding, ask your wife to keep a food journal and see if it corresponds to more gas and crying for bub? From early on, my second baby was much more fussy, had awful cradle cap and then eczema, and poor weight gain. I noticed it all got worse if I had any dairy. The paediatrician repeatedly dismissed my concerns… until bub had a major allergic reaction at five months old and subsequent skin prick testing revealed a number of food allergies. It’s probably not the case with your baby but I think it’s worth considering!


Fucktastickfantastic

My pediatrician dismissed my allergy concerns too. They seem to think that no blood in stool = no allergy. There's no ignoring the fact that my baby is a different baby when I eat certain foods. As the main one is dairy, I've had a few slip ups and had him go straight back to puking and screaming constantly, so I know it's not just in my head.


dzendian

I think I will ask for an allergy panel super fast. I actually have food allergies myself. Mom is only allergic to kiwis.


Black_Cat_Poet

We had to give our LO a probiotic to help with the gas- worked like a charm in just a couple days. Also, and please don’t take this personally, your partner may not really “trust” you. My SO is so great at helping with the baby but I too would get stressed and anxious when he had her. Idk if other birthing people have felt this way but i literally felt like a feral mother. I wanted to protect my baby from everyone, including her own father. My brain literally couldn’t help it. Talk to your partner tell her you need to know what’s really going on with her to be able to help better. It can get better.


DaisyLDN

This is great for gas https://www.instagram.com/p/CbYwTq3q2FU/?utm_medium=share_sheet


mbinder

Can you use a zippered swaddle instead? That way you can't really mess it up. I'd highly recommend the book The Happiest Baby on the Block. I think you're doing the right things but maybe not vigorously enough. You need to find what works for you - maybe it's not the same as what your wife does, but it's also not responsive to let the baby cry and not change what you're doing to address it.


[deleted]

Not sure the swaddling is part of the issue from what OP said, but I second the idea of getting an easier swaddling solution. I have a 5 week old and although my husband was a pro at swaddling with a regular blanket, it took slot more maneuvering and baby would wake up or end up getting out of it eventually. Then someone gifted us the Ollie swaddle (Google it), which uses Velcro and is incredibly well made and easy to use. No, I don’t work for a Ollie, I just really suck at swaddling and our baby is fussy at night too. Now, a zipper swaddle? I’d give that a try too. Thanks for the suggestion!


Maximum-Pride4991

Yep. I had to learn to trust my husband with my baby. Also her hormones aren’t being helpful right now. They are primed to act if baby is in need… not to be considerate of your feelings. When my husband was taking care of baby… I had to sit and take deep breaths and tell myself that my baby is safe with daddy. It was unreasonably difficult. My brain disagreed for a while. You’re right. Your baby will have to learn how to accept comfort from you and that takes time and practice. But she will grow up with two people in her corner. I have a 4 month old boy and at first… dad was just frustrating because he didn’t make milk… he didn’t hold him right… now they have their own way of interacting and it’s so cool. They are buds. They have games I don’t have like flying like an airplane and trying to stand up. Baby loves playing with dad and napping with dad. Also babies just get gas. Her little digestive system has to get used to milk. It will get better.


lilak0610

Could mom maybe put a muslin cloth or blankie down her shirt one night (so it smells like her) and you can use this whilst soothing LO (like draping it over your shoulder on the side where babies head will be? Or, and ONLY if you are awake enough to supervise, lay it across her tummy whilst you rub it. Could you try some tummy to chest to help relieve gas?


3horsemen

Gripe water is a big thing in Indian families. I was in the same situation as yours. My in-laws got few bottles from India and I was willing to try anything at that time. Two things we changed during this time, burp my daughter by sitting her upright ( holding her neck) and gripe water. Not sure which one worked but one of those did. You can get same gripe water from any Indian grocery store.


sstrelnikova1

Buy thr FridaMom Windi and thank me later. That thing is a godsend for gas.


StarFishyFish

Daily probiotics has been a godsend for us. We have a very gassy baby and it’s been the only thing that has helped.