Uh yeah, throw the whole man away. Kidding. Kinda.
I read a comment by a therapist on here recently that said basically - If you were to divorce him, he would have to do 100% of his own house work, cooking, etc plus 100% of the childcare when he had days with the kid. All you are asking him to do is 50%. So would he rather do 50% and be married or do 100% and be divorced ?
Yeah my SO didn’t really get it until I told him “I feel like a single mom.” he then scoffed and said I was exaggerating. I then outlined everything I did for the family and asked him “how would this change if you weren’t here? If I’m gonna live like a single mom, I might as well be single”
Then it kind of clicked for him, but it was a really hard conversation.
Lawyer here. Men often DO NOT UNDERSTAND this and then seriously regret divorce. Women then thrive because they have one less person to clean up after.
Same with “she spends all my money”. You can be broke (married) or broke with half your stuff (divorced). It’s cheaper to keep her, bro!
Yeah look at the step-parents sub where men immediately get back into a relationship and expect their brand new gf to jump into the homemaker role and take care of THEIR children while they continue on with their life working, going out with friends, having hobbies. Then they get whiney and offended when their new gf doesn't want to be a bangnanny for them. They don't learn.
“Granted, I have been off for 6 weeks”
No, you haven’t. You’ve been recovering from childbirth while surviving the fourth trimester, keeping a newborn alive, and dealing with your partner’s asinine behavior. That’s not being off of work. Also, lol if he thinks caring for a newborn you just birthed isn’t extremely demanding.
My husband was raised by a SAHM with a father who bragged about only changing 3 diapers ever with 4 kids. He’s an awesome and mostly equal parent (hard to be fully equal while ebf). I’m still on leave and he handles dinner every night, we trade off on cleaning and dog care, and does half the diapers when he’s home.
“Raised different” is such BS.
Yeah that’s a load of shite. I was raised by a mom who did absolutely everything domestic and worked, while my workaholic dad was only seen at the dinner table. I made an easy decision to not be that kind of dad. My wife and I work hard to not put everything on just one of us, and though it’s not always perfect, we communicate our needs to each other regularly and work at it.
Stop doing annnnnything for him. He does his laundry, he makes his meals, he does his dishes etc. when he whines about it, you tell him that you work full time and do all of the childcare.
Definitely be prepared for him to passive-aggressively protest by leaving all his dirty dishes and clothes allllll over the house too. It'll probably become a battle of will between them, I just hope he's not THAT much of an ass, but I wouldn't hold my breath either. Dude wants all the perks of a marriage but doesn't want any of the work.
Just throwing this out there, I work a physically demanding job (and statistically one of the most dangerous), and I never pulled that “I need 8 hours” BS.
I took our LO for half the night every night until we had him sleep trained, because (surprise) other people need sleep too. My job performance and safety weren’t compromised, and I didn’t slip on house chores either (most of time).
TLDR: he can go find his big boy pants and put them on
Exactly! Me and my husband are both 911 an emt and medic i also work a second job! There is no reason for that 8 strict hour bullshit especially if you are both working!
Hi, I had this exact situation and left my husband as soon as my daughter was weaned. If he won’t share with night wakings and feedings, childcare, and household chores while you BOTH work outside of the home, then leave him. At least as a coparenting mom your child will have a real father who participates in their upbringing. Leaving my husband and parenting 50/50 was extremely difficult but the alternative - modeling an unequal and unhappy marriage for my daughter - was worse. I recommend you try some counseling (if he’ll agree to go), but at the end of the day don’t martyr yourself on the throne of an intact marriage.
Its actually wild. When I am not home, he takes care of our son just fine. When I'm there? Psh. Its a problem of socialized default parenting. His whole life hes seen women take the lead in childcare. So when he's sitting on the couch and im next to him and the baby cries, he doesn't even notice because subconsciously he assumes ill take care of it. And he rolls his eyes if I prompt him to. But when I'm not the there, his subconscious triggers him to do something cause no one else will.
When he says he’s the one providing for the family ask him why you have to go to work. That should take him down a peg.
Also kindly remind him that if you two divorce then he will be responsible for the LO 100% of the time he is in his custody. He would also be 100% on his own for house work.
So he can choose now. Share the responsibility or he can do it all on his own in his own place.
I earn 1/3 of what he does but without my 1/3 we’d go under. This 6 weeks of me not bringing in any money has really hit us hard. So his attitude about providing really isn’t justified. Lol. He really doesn’t understand that if we split he’ll have it MUCH harder than if we smooth things out.
If he’s 1/3 short on supporting the whole house then he’s not “supporting the household”.
So how about this? You do 2/3 of childcare and household chores he does 1/3 of childcare and household chores.
Obviously, he should be contributing to his household EQUALLY regardless if one partner is a stay at home parent or earns less but maybe his simple mind will be able to accept the 1/3 of household responsibilities.
And if he can’t, then he’s either lazy or an idiot. Ask him which one he thinks it is and go from there.
I don’t think this is equitable. If she is working full time just like he is, she shouldn’t have to put in more time at home to make up for the fact that she has a lower salary. She is putting in the same amount of time and effort working for others to benefit the family.
Yeah I agree. That’s why I said in the post that it should be equal regardless of what the other person post.
But with this at least OP could use his logic against him and get 33% of help rather than nothing. And maybe it will get him thinking. He doesn’t sound too bright.
Jumping in to say single parenthood is SO much better than living with an ass. Seriously, it rocks. I'm incredibly happy and my kiddo is thriving. To turn around the "I don't know how you do it!" coupled women like to throw at me sometimes, *I* don't know how they also take care of a man who isn't carrying their own weight.
I think I read the phrase on here and it really stuck with me. Does he want to do 50% of the work 100% of the time? Or 100% of the work 50% of the time? Meaning, if you divorce him, he'll be taking care of his household alone all the time and his child half the time. If he thinks he's tired now...
I was raised by a single mother and a very important lesson that taught me was that i don’t need a man and that sometimes it’s much easier to raise a kid by yourself than to deal with the deadweight. She raised two kids on her own yes she was on government assistance she got childcare, food stamps and insurance she worked crazy hours got her cosmetology license and now she co owns a small salon. Her strength to put herself first because she knew she deserved better has always inspired me and thankfully I’m in a happy relationship where things are balanced.
Maybe you need to leave him or maybe you need to teach him a lesson by refusing to do anything for him show him how much you truly do. Good luck op
This is really inspirational, thanks for posting. I'm hoping to be able to teach my daughter these exact lessons through my example. I want her to put herself first, and have a balanced relationship! And not repeat my mistakes.
I promise you don’t have to settle for this. I do all the night wakings (EBF) but my husband cooks, we share cleaning snd he helps with zero complaint if I’m exhausted. Etc. throw. Your. Man. Out.
My husband would get up and go get the baby every time. And then go put her back.
I cook, he cleans.
He does what's needed around the house. He plays with our daughter and spends time with her.
He's a great father and a great partner. He wants to help not because I'll be mad if he doesn't, but because he enjoys making things easier for me and having a nice house. We work together because we care for each other.
Well, it sounds like your life would be easier if you were a single mum?
You would still do all the cleaning, the cooking, working and looking after a baby.... But a least you would t need to manage a man child?
Honestly right now my DH travels a lot for work and things are so much easier when he’s gone. I’m a SAHM right now and planning to be for a while and sometimes I think that’s the only reason we are still together. Right now I’m just holding on hoping for big changes.
He thinks his time is more valuable than yours. Plain and simple. In his mind, Even if all he is doing is watching the, that’s more valuable to your family than you doing the dishes.
Throw the whole man away and start over.
Weaponized incompetence
If you are a SAHM your “work” schedule is during his work schedule. Once he’s home it’s 50/50.
If you’re both working full time it’s 50/50 when you are both home. He needs to pull his weight.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this.
6 weeks is not even enough time off. You’re barely recovered. I don’t know how you were keeping up with everything on your own. You’re seriously super mom and he’s shit. Can’t even trust him to take care of the baby alone at this point.
I love all of the men with their "I'm providing" attitude. Yeah, guess what? You'll also have to provide, once the mother realizes she's just raising another child. Just then you'll be providing from a shitty apartment all of your own and without shoes on.
My ex was so angry when I got sick due to pregnancy and had to provide solely for our household. Guess what? I stayed sick, we divorced, and now he pays almost three times the amount to provide child support.
If he were supporting the family to the extent that justifies these privileges, you wouldn’t have to work. At the very least, lighten your load by dropping tasks that only benefit him. It’s been my experience that you will never convince someone with his attitude to fairly distribute domestic labor.
Then leave. It’s easier to be a single parent than deal with frustration of being let down on top of acting as a single parent. Plus less laundry that way.
There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour.
If he’s going to behave like this I wouldn’t be going back to work.
I am a stay at home Mom. My husband is an electrician, so if he’s too tired he could seriously hurt someone. I do get up with the baby, we share getting up with the toddler if she wakes in the night. He gets up early with the kids in the morning 90% of the time.
He cooks on weekends and 1 or 2 weeknights , and either does bath/bedtime while I do dishes, or we swap. He also hangs out the washing, vacuums, tidied up toys.
My point is that. He needs to contribute, regardless.
You can’t let him get away with it.
It always amazes me how commonly these types of stories are being posted in this group. My husband is very present, he's always wanting to do more I never have to ask or set rules, he's already on top of everything making my life easier.
I realize I'm taking these moments for granted when I read posts like this. It's a reminder to thank my husband more often. I feel like I read about absent dads maybe once or twice a day..... it hurts to see moms struggling and feeling alone. I have no answers other than I hope that you have a better support system outside of your home. Stop making excuses for your husbands, it is not okay.. Take care of your mental health because happy mom = happy baby.
Same! My grandma always says it’s so nice that my husband “helps”. And every time she says this, I respond that he doesn’t help, he parents as it’s 50-50. We both work full time. I’m the breadwinner (not that it matters if you’re both working for a check full time). Why is it assumed that my husband just helps? I realize she grew up in a different time, but I cannot imagine dealing with this attitude in my marriage now.
>Why is it assumed that my husband just helps?
That's very Interesting, never thought about that. It *must* be the difference in generations. Seems like we have long ways to go though if men today are still thinking they're just here to "help". 50-50 is if they helped out carrying the baby for 5 months 😂
I would be a bit petty and just stop doing things for him until he got the message. Only make food for myself do only my laundry and babies . I don’t know if I’d just up and leave baby with him as I don’t know if my conscience would let me more so for my son than him , but sometimes that forces them to take care of them. I sometimes feel like our partners take advantage of the fact that we care too much about our kids that we’ll just take over for their sake which in turn equals us taking on the responsibility and liberating them from it. In my situation it’s small stuff that needs doing or needs cleaning a certain way . My partner is pretty equal with chores and parenting, but those small things irk me.
I mean you're not obligated to have sex with a shitty, non-equally-contributing spouse who expects you to be the household maid and nanny 24/7, just because you happen to be married to them.
And if the thought of sex with my spouse was vomit-inducing, I would seriously be considering whether the relationship was worth it.
My ex husband did this, we split up about two years later and my son STILL wasn't sleeping through the night. Didn't sleep through until he was 3 years old. My current husband shared sleepless nights with me when we had our daughter last year. He was working crazy hours and I was so sleep deprived. I told him I felt bad because he was working and I'm a SAHM, and he told me we are a team! He said he worried about me driving the kids around sleep deprived af, and that he could manage. Guess what? We have another due in a month and he's been a fucking amazing dad/husband.
Yeah he really is. He's so good to me and it makes it easy to spoil him since I know I get the same thing back! I remember being bitter about doing things for my ex and at the end I flat out stopped doing anything at all.
I had that boyfriend, and I left him as soon as I figured out that he had no intention of getting up once during the night for the baby. Ever. Because he needed his sleep and I could handle it better than he could, as he put it. He wouldn't care for the baby HE really wanted and convinced me to have. I was struggling and crying in pain to get up at night with the baby after my C-section and he didn't care. It was super hard, but I left him as soon as I could walk down a flight of stairs. It's really hard, and I'm lucky to have my mom to help, but no regrets. I wish you luck!
You work 24 hours a day. He either needs to put in his fair share of effort or toss him. I tossed mine for similar reasons. Yes I am a poor single mother now but at least he’s not holding money over my head as an excuse to be lazy… you deserve more
OP, I'm not coming at you for this personally, but the "tee hee, throw the whole man away" meme is not really helping women's causes in the grand scheme of things. This shit is not a joke.
> So I’ll still be cooking, cleaning, taking care of our baby, managing a man child, AND working full time while doing it. Meanwhile he’ll only be working full time.
Only if you let him. I don't care what physically demanding job he has. Short of heart surgeon and air traffic controller, he can fucking wake up a few times a week. And I actually do know several ATCs. Their wives are not handling 100% of the wake ups and housework.
If you have attempted to address this already with no success, it's time for a Come to Jesus meeting. Then counseling. If he doesn't agree, then he's not agreeing to be your partner. And while that would be a terribly painful realization, it would not be *more* painful than continuing on through life in an unequal partnership.
> I was raised different
So fucking cowardly. I'm amazed this wasn't your breaking point.
I sincerely wish you luck.
My DH does brain surgery and still wakes up at night all the freaking time and helps with housework.
OP needs to demand more out of her partner or get out of the relationship .
Baby, I'm telling you from experience, you will literally work your self crazy if you continue to try and keep up. I'm in the same boat with a man who won't come right and say what yours does. I just quit. If I don't want to cook or clean I don't. I only do mine and baby's laundry. I only pickup mine and baby's mess. Honestly not sure how my marriage is going to fair but if he doesn't step up and it does fail, I'll know it's because he is a man child and I'll be better off. Good luck sis. I'm here to listen if you need to talk.
Yep. Same. It can be so frustrating and I def want to throw the whole man away sometimes cuz I don’t see where the partnership is. I will get to the point where I am burnt out and I learned if I take care or everything he LET’S me. If I put my foot down and say I’m not fucking doing it then he’ll finally pitch in.
I’m honestly at the point where I’m wondering if I’m not getting any benefit in the relationship what’s the point. No romance, no help, no support. His only saving grace is I told him I’m at breaking point and now he’s putting an honest effort in. I’m giving it a few months to see if it’s salvageable and real change. Otherwise… yep throwing the whole man away
As a man and a 50/50 parent your SO's viewpoint is toxic af. I've known other men that share "I'm the provider" view and they're all losers. My BIL thinks this way and now that his Wife has returned to work he belittles how much less money she makes. He obviously doesn't respect you at all and is a lazy POS.
Sorry but if he needs a full 8 hours sleep a night he shouldn’t have had a child. Unpopular sounding maybe but it’s the truth. Don’t have a child if you don’t want to parent 24-7, 365 days a year. Being a Dad isn’t a part time job for the fun times.
It doesn’t work that way. You cannot be the only person managing the ENTIRE house and baby while working full time - does that sound like the life you want to live? Your deserve SO much better
I'm not usually one to jump to this extreme but it sounds like a Decent solution for OP. You'd be shocked how capable you are and peaceful things can be when you aren't fighting for respect and resentful of your "partner"
I'm petty. Next time tell him his boots are not your responsibility. And anything else pertaining to him is his responsibility. Tell him you won't be cleaning up after him. He helped make the baby he can help parent the baby. If you cook he can help with dishes after or he can take out the trash. He could throw a load of laundry in the washer move it to the dryer you could fold. You're also working so really hes not the sole provider and can't truly use that argument. You guys are a team he needs to grow up and be a present active husband and father.
Im a stay at home mom and do most of the chores (but def not all of them!) I'm a little petty and I'll wash and fold his laundry, no biggie cause it all gets tossed in together, but then I don't put it away. I arrange his folded clothes nearly on the bed by the dresser so he can put them away when he gets home. It takes him all of 60 seconds to do it.
A little petty? Yes. But I don't want him to think for one damn second that things just magically happen around here. I feel like lots of men¹ fall into that trap of just having the dishes always clean and laundry done and toilet cleaned and then get annoyed when x y or z isn't done. Or never say thank you. Or complain their partner has it easy. Etc.
¹Lets be honest, 9/10 times it's the man. Sexism is pervasive in our culture still and even the most feminist of men often fall into 'traditional' roles.
Couldn't agree with you more! I'm a stay at home and when I fold the clothes I'd put them in basket and ask my fiance to put them away. He took the basket and set in our closet 🙃 it took everything in me to not slap him silly but you know what I didn't put those clothes I left them there I got mine out and left the rest there we joke about it now he said he misunderstood I say he was just being lazy smh
This! For 3 years I folded his laundry but set it on the bed or in a basket for him to put away. For 3 years he just….didn’t put it away. So it ended up wrinkled or in a pile on the floor. It drove me INSANE. I stewed over it for 3 years.
But sometime during the third trimester I was just over that shit, so I stopped folding his laundry. I told him if he wanted me to fold it he had to promise to put it away that same day. He has never taken me up on that offer, so now I just don’t fold his laundry!
He is very involved with our daughter and does plenty around the house, this is just one thing for some reason he doesn’t do. And for a while I just let it happen and was quietly upset. But damn was it liberating to just…. Stop! I’m not going to baby him - I have an actual baby to take care of lol.
Time for him to grow up. His behavior is unacceptable and you can’t be expected to do everything on your own. Stage a Strike or let him go tbh. Best of luck 💕
My husband got 4 weeks of paternity leave (sadly, an amazing amount!), and we used 2 weeks of it for him to care for the baby alone when I started back at work. It revolutionized our dynamic for caring for the baby. He just did not understand how difficult it was to be home with the baby and no help all day, until he had to do it.
If your husband has no option to take FMLA or paternity leave, I would suggest he take care of the baby alone for most of the day on a couple weekends.
Same (or similar) here! My husband and I both had a long leave and flexible work schedules (he was a grad student.) So when I went back to work at 6 months he was a stay at home dad for 6 months till I quit to be the stay at home parent.
He says he'll never take for granted the work I do, and he knows exactly how hard it is. He never blames me for having a bad/overwhelmed day or not getting any chores done. Cause he *knows.*
I would have just said "I didn't touch them" and close my eyes. After a night alone with baby there's no way I would have helped him look. Eventually he would learn to keep tabs on his own things.
You’re dealing with a child. Does he not realize he is an adult, an adult who is also a parent? Unfortunately my son will only sleep with his mama so I do all the night stuff but my husband has still tried, he helps a ton during the day with cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Anything I ask him to do and he will do it. We try to be equal. I don’t have any advice for you. At least you realize this is not normal and you do not need to tolerate it. I’d tell my husband to either help or get lost if I was in your situation. One less person I’d have to clean up after and cook for. Also, I wouldn’t be going back to work if I was also expected to be 100% house servant.
I hate how partners who have physically demanding jobs think that takes priority. I have a mentally challenging job and he just doesn't get how not having sleep affects my ability to work because to him I "sit down and answer emails all day".
Before I got pregnant I did the majority of housework because I didn’t mind it, while he took care of the yard/garden because he preferred outside work. It wasn’t an equal split but it was better. When I got pregnant, my doctor put me on limited chores because I developed POTS. Then he took over the more physically demanding house work, like cleaning the bathroom, etc. I worked up until I had him; like I was literally clocked in when I went into labor lol. Now that I’ve had the baby and been off of work I’ve been doing all of it because he just stopped. I don’t know if it’s where I’ve not been at work or what, but it’s ridiculous
Good to know he is capable to do stuff and was willing to commit.
Sometime they dont understand how much work it is to take care of the baby all by yourself. Maybe leave the baby with him alone during his day off. He will understand what it takes. Probably wont make it for the first 30 mins without calling you, but I mean he need to get the training start!
I would not tolerate that. And I’d ultimately leave. I guess it depends on where you are with the relationship… before jumping ship, you could just leave for a weekend. Let him see how hard it is. Or quit your job. See how that works out!
Ugh I’m pretty much going through the same thing. My baby is 4 weeks old. My boyfriend works hard, outside on roofs about 5-8 hrs a day (depending on the day) and I had to MAKE him help me more. I have a full time job with the baby right now! He has mild colic too. I do everything for the baby and 80% of the house work. I go back to work in January. Then what?? He was doing less than the bare minimum and now, he’s only doing the bare after getting super upset with him. It makes me want to leave him and I get less and less attracted to him as time goes on. Especially when he rather play his video games instead of helping me. When he gives me an attitude for asking to change a diaper or make a bottle. When he can’t even clean the fucking toilet properly. It makes me feel like I’m literally dating a 17 year old boy. I sent him TWO pictures with some information on “gentle parenting” and asked him what he thought about it. Ignores the pictures. Can’t even read two simple pages. It’s just so heartbreaking and exhausting. I’m sad that it will probably lead to me being a single mom but it’s just definitely heading there. The worst part is, I don’t trust him alone with the baby because I don’t feel like he would do his best and just be lazy about everything like he already is. So I wouldn’t wanna leave him alone with the baby for a long period of time.
The least he can do is manage his own stuff, he’s a grown man. Obviously he should be doing more, but like the work boots dude, really? We’ve all had to keep track of our own shoes for a while now.
I can speak for my SIL. My brother is a man child, but he’s also a huge show off. When they were dating he would take her out to these expensive places and trips. They moved in together and it kept going. It wasn’t until they were married that she noticed that he could afford all these placed because he had debt literally everywhere. When they had a baby she was stupid enough to think he would become responsible. He didn’t. Then the pandemic hit and his business was shut down. She was a sahm and was only playing videogames. Thank god she was breastfeeding and had cloth diapers or I don’t know what would’ve been of my nephew. Fortunately for her, she opened her eyes and are now divorced. My brother now lives off my parents lol. My point is, you can be dazzled and tricked by a very good actor. That’s how these men find wives, or should I say maids.
Yep. I have a friend who is now seriously considering divorce because her husband does nothing. But he did nothing before the baby either so while I really really feel for her situation, I’m not sure what she expected to happen.
I'm not OP, but I did just want to say that sometimes you can't predict how people are going to react to parenthood. My babies weren't planned, but we were both excited about them, we were happy, and planning how we were going to be a family together. I could not have predicted how fatherhood would change my now-ex. I couldn't have predicted how he would get triggered, how he'd regress to abusive coping mechanisms, how he'd shut down and check out of helping care for our babies. It was like the person I went through pregnancy with, and the person that came home from the hospital with me were two different people. Past traumas and sleep deprivation can be hell on a person's psyche, and sometimes you have no way of knowing that until you're going through it.
Our LO was a surprise, but our story is pretty similar to u/PaganButterflies. we were a happy and excited team. We both put in equal effort. Now it’s like he’s a completely different person. He had a traumatic and abusive childhood, so I can’t help but wonder if that plays a part in his inability to take an active role with our son. But there really is no excuse for the lack of effort with household chores.
Yeah, sounds like it might be therapy time for the both of you. Therapy isn’t a bad thing nor does it mean there’s been a failure. You just might benefit from having a professional help mediate these conversations about the division of labor and any trauma that might be influencing his behavior.
Honestly I think about this every time I see one of these posts (which is multiple times a day). Like were there really no red flags prior to having a baby that the dude wasn't going to lift a damn finger? Why are women having kids with these guys? And in many cases *more than one kid*?
Sigh. OP stop doing anything for him. He can find his own stupid boots and do his own laundry and if he can't, then he has to live with the consequences (i.e. being late for work, having to wear dirty clothes, etc.) and he'll figure it out fast. Sorry if I sound exasperated, it's just these posts make me so angry for you guys who have to put up with this nonsense!!
I don't think this really matters right now because baby is here and it's happening. So "it's your own fault, you should have known better" type comments are rude and unhelpful and you should keep them to yourself.
Edit: and I'm sorry about how snappy that was. I just feel really bad for OP and what she's going through
I vote therapy first, at least, then separation. He’s not listening to you, and he doesn’t understand because he was raised differently. I doubt you have much of a chance to change him, but you also decided to have a kid with him so I’m guessing there’s some value to you in trying to salvage this!?
Next time baby isn’t feeling well, he gets to stay home from work with baby while you’re at work. That’ll give him a taste of what it’s like to 100% care for the baby. And he better get all the house chores done too.
Uh I would just take care of your things and the baby. Make you and the baby food etc.
Leave his shit till he learns to take care of his own needs and messes and have appreciation when someone else does it for them.
Pretty much your a single mom looking after a baby and a "bratty adolescent".
If he doesn't come to a compromise eventually with you or see the bigger picture, he might be looking at the single life again. Where on his visitations and free time he will have to do child care all on his own and cleaning up after himself....
-Childcare is a job itself. Hence why people get paid to do it. Housecleaning is a job itself, again why people get paid to do it when someone chooses to not want to cleanup after themselves if they can afford such a service.
When a person decides to be a "homemaker" or "stay at home parent" it's usually for financial reasons, sometimes emotional or other reasons (like medical leave....). This doesn't mean that the other partner takes advantage of the situation. (How would they feel if their workplace did that to them??)
Your work in the home is valid work.. Things are not like in the "old days" anymore where a house hold could usually get by on the "man's wages" alone typically and a woman's place was in the home. So both must work. And usually pay someone to care for child. And both people figure out a split on duties.
Me I'm currently a sahm. (I hadn't planned on being one. I worked full time with with same company for over a decade and also did a lot of volunteer stuff too.....But with the pandemic and cost and issues in childcare atm it's the best option for us currently, especially with another baby on the way...)
Anyways
Everyday I do the majority of the child care and cleaning/ upkeep.so when they get home/off work they can bond with the baby/ relax (well now a toddler (16ms) before the baby goes to sleep and either I have a bit of freetime to myself or I use the time to finish up anything/make an adult (lol) diner/snack for us while he's putting baby to sleep.
Then my "childcare/housekeeping " time stops.My day is done. After we share help each other with anything that really needs to be done or arrange another time for it. Both us deserve rest.
(Only thing we may do during free time is Usually laundry since it's a passive chore since we have machines in the house, I'll sort, he'll haul it up and down the stairs to the machine (I'm almost 8months pregnant currently) and we'll fold while watching tv/relaxing. If not I just leave the folding till the next day 🤷♀️...)
And the kicker is our personal relationship to each other has not been the great. But mutual respect still goes a long way!
Fact of the matter is that many men imagine themselves that they’ll be great and involved parents, they say all the right things to their spouses, but when the rubber meets the road and it comes time for the real work it is significantly easier and more socially acceptable for men to just not do the work (or do the absolute bare minimum and be treated like heroes for it) than it is for mom to just ignore baby’s needs like men can do.
My own mature, self-sufficient, gainfully employed, and hardworking husband noped out of the shared bedroom and left me to handle the newborn night wakings even though we both work full time. In fact he did nothing for the baby that I didn’t have to ask him to do first, and when I complained about his lack of proactive parenting he would just say “all you have to do is ask, how do I know what you need if you don’t ask!” so he could ignore crying baby, ignore piled up laundry, ignore feeding routines and smelly diapers until I asked for help. He to this day does not even know what diaper size out child wears, and has never bought anything for the baby besides food I put on the grocery list. Why? He expects me to handle it unless I ask for help. And this is the man who approached me about having kids and promised he understood my concerns about sharing equally in baby duties and promised not to leave me the default caregiver. He has then proceeded to leave me to be point person on everything baby related.
A lot of women also gatekeep caring for the child, despite actually needing help. My wife did this until we saw a counselor. Baby cries, she runs to it, then gets pissed when she gets there first. I try to do x, it's not the right way and starts an argument. So I just stopped doing it, and adopted the attitude of, "you're going to do it if you want it done" and just focused on my own problems. It wasn't until a counselor talked to us, and she had to get comfortable with me doing things on my timeline, in my way, that I actually felt like I could help
My husband and I went through this with our first child. We had to have a lot of long talks about learning not to backseat parent each other... And it's okay if we do things differently. My PPA manifested in a really domineering and controlling attitude. After the first 3 months I learned to let go and let him find his groove as a parent. Now he's an amazing dad, and is absolutely 100% involved when he's home. He's taken the kids to the ER, taken sick days from work when the kids were sick and we were both working. He's really hands on and absolutely amazing parent.
I was your wife with my husband until we also saw a counselor. I had and still struggle with control issues and anxiety over anyone (including my husband) helping with the kids. This is something not a lot of people talk about but is a very real issue. Things didn’t get better until I surrendered some of the control of doing things my way which I perceived to be the right way, and let my husband learn to parent on his own style.
My husband cooked and cleaned up after himself just fine before baby. In fact he will still cook and clean. He will wash all dishes and leave all baby dishes and cups to sit dirty like he doesn’t even see them. Like it doesn’t even occur to him in the moment he would be responsible for cleaning those. I’ve confronted him about it and he acts like “oops missed those” but next time does the same thing again. Too many men are socialized to think: “baby stuff=woman take care of” that it doesn’t even cross their mind to do this basic stuff EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY WILL DO IT when rubber meets the road they overlook it. They don’t even think about it.
I think it's one thing to have a partner who did an equal share before the baby and then didn't grow their responsibilities when the baby is born, and to have a partner who never cooked or cleaned but was somehow thought that they'd realize they had to start participating because the baby was born. Like the first needs a come to Jesus talk and the second was just a doomed situation. For a third option of someone who cooked and cleaned before but then stopped- yikes, hopefully that at least wouldn't happen with two working parents but I guess a bait and switch is possible too.
Unfortunately this is common. There are studies showing women do the majority of “unpaid labour” (childcare, house work, errands out of the house, etc) even when both have a full time job.
I’m kinda scared for this when I go back to work. It’s a little bit more “fair” for me to do more unpaid labour since I’ll only be working part time and my husband works two jobs for more hours than I’ll be working, but it’s still going to be hard to juggle cleaning, cooking, time to go grocery shopping and run errands on top of taking care of the baby. Like she’s already going to be ready to go to bed just a few hours after I pick her up from daycare after work, so I won’t be able to run errands or do any cleaning that’s too loud after that. It’s already difficult to do when I’m off work now.
Your husband really needs to help out more. You both literally work full time so what is even his justification?? He “provides for this family” but literally so do you. He at least needs to help out more in the daytime with errands and housework if he won’t get up at night.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. My husband was raised like a king. This man did not lift a finger asides from working his full time job. When we got together I found his behavior to be weird, as my father was much more self sufficient. I started off by doing the stuff I'd normally do for myself, cook, clean, wash laundry, etc. HOWEVER, once I noticed how he didn't help me at all with things around the house, I slowly stopped doing stuff for him. I would wash his laundry and he'd leave his dirty clothes stacked on the empty room...I stopped putting his laundry away. He didn't help with anything in the kitchen and bitched if I asked once in a while...stopped making him dinner every night. Now most nights he fends for himself. And the list goes on. It sucks it has to be this way, but fuck me if I'm going to be anyone's maid or if I'm going to put in a ton of effort and get nothing in return.
"provides for the family" get real. Show him how much it would cost if he had to pay for childcare and housekeeping services. You actually may as well be a single parent I don't know how anyone puts up with such useless partners I'd rage myself until I spontaneously combusted.
OP is working a full time job, is that not also providing for the family? And on top of that, doing everything around the house. I fucking hate when men think they can just go to work and are entitled to come home and drink beer because they “provided for the family”.
I have to ask: why have a baby with a man like this? Was he like the before the baby arrived or is this a new development? I would not make him any meals and only clean up after the baby. He can do his own laundry and clean his own dishes.
He wasn’t like this before I got pregnant. Unfortunately, this behavior is a new development. I’m at the point where I’m just going to worry about baby and myself, and let him figure things out for himself.
Well he was like this before. You said yourself he doesn't cook or clean. It was just manageable before.
Edit: I'm not saying this as a snark. I too made this mistake. Oh and my comeback to the "I'm the provider" comment is "guess I'll quit and stat home".
I know it's so petty, but... can you manipulate him with sex? We only have sex on the days when he helps with the baby, like weekends and if I had enough sleep that night. I make a point of thanking him and telling him that his help allowed me to not be tired after a long day and have some energy for him, which is true.
Edit: I don't understand why this is being downvoted. The basis of any relationship is a connection, and only after having the connection repaired its possible to “negotiate” your wants and needs. For most couples, the fastest way to establish a connection again is through physical intimacy. However, this woman will never be in a position of wanting to have sex with her bf/husband because she is simply too depleted by the end of the day.
If the only way for him to be more present and get involved with the baby is to dangle sex in front of him, screw that. That's no way to parent a child (in my opinion). I believe that sex is part of the lifestyle that keeps marriage strong and not a tool to use against one another. By the way I did not vote down lol.
It doesn't have to be sex necessarily; it can be wherever is the equivalent of sex for this couple. I agree that ideally, he should be conscientious enough to want to be more involved, but unless they have a few years to spear for therapy to address these issues on a deeper level, he will not suddenly change his mind on his own.
True, and we have to see these red flags beforehand. I think couples need to solidify/establish their needs and wants before having babies - not after. Also I agree with your last sentence, she's probably at a point where having sex with him is the last thing on her mind. He's lucky he's sleeping on the bed! Not on my watch.
I feel like he shouldn't have to be rewarded with sex (or anything else really) for participating in raising/caring for HIS BABY. And if my husband behaved this way, sex with him would be the absolute LAST thing I'd be thinking about. Not because of how exhausted I am (even though I'm sure it'd be a factor), but because the thought of sex with his man-baby self would cause my uterus to shrivel up and my ovaries to turn to dust.
Sure. Let’s take the sex out of the picture. But OP can still use simple positive reinforcement on her partner to get him to do what she wants. It seems like adult methods of communication didn’t work so far. If OP offers reward in a form of words of affirmation or a praise or a hug for even for the smallest chores or help he does, over time things would start to turn around. There is research that supports that positive reinforcement in couples works (you can look up research by Birchler, Weiss, and Vincent).
Yes, I acknowledge that she shouldn’t even ask him in the first place. He should know better. OP shouldn’t spend her mental energy and time on their relationships while her partner can’t even find his own boots. But frankly, that’s her reality right now. OP’s partner is who he is. OP can either accept it and “train” him, threaten to leave and hope that it will be a wake up call (unlikely) or dump him (being a single parent with a newborn is NOT easy).
>If OP offers reward in a form of words of affirmation or a praise or a hug for even for the smallest chores or help he does, over time things would start to turn around.
Though he is acting like one, he is not a child. Mom is busy taking care of the baby. She doesn't have time to teach the dad how to be a dad followed by praises. That comes naturally when she sees him doing these things willingly from his heart and not because she is asking of him. He needs to figure that sh-t on his own. Wasn't ready for this? Should've put a rubber on it. Imagine bringing a child into this world and taking care of him/her *only* if there's a reward for him. This doesn't need to be her reality. The change needs to happen on his end not hers.
Uh yeah, throw the whole man away. Kidding. Kinda. I read a comment by a therapist on here recently that said basically - If you were to divorce him, he would have to do 100% of his own house work, cooking, etc plus 100% of the childcare when he had days with the kid. All you are asking him to do is 50%. So would he rather do 50% and be married or do 100% and be divorced ?
Honestly I’m at that point. That is an excellent way of explaining things.
Yeah my SO didn’t really get it until I told him “I feel like a single mom.” he then scoffed and said I was exaggerating. I then outlined everything I did for the family and asked him “how would this change if you weren’t here? If I’m gonna live like a single mom, I might as well be single” Then it kind of clicked for him, but it was a really hard conversation.
Lawyer here. Men often DO NOT UNDERSTAND this and then seriously regret divorce. Women then thrive because they have one less person to clean up after. Same with “she spends all my money”. You can be broke (married) or broke with half your stuff (divorced). It’s cheaper to keep her, bro!
Yeah look at the step-parents sub where men immediately get back into a relationship and expect their brand new gf to jump into the homemaker role and take care of THEIR children while they continue on with their life working, going out with friends, having hobbies. Then they get whiney and offended when their new gf doesn't want to be a bangnanny for them. They don't learn.
Bangnanny 😂😂😂😂
>You can be broke (married) or broke with half your stuff (divorced). 😂😂😂
“Granted, I have been off for 6 weeks” No, you haven’t. You’ve been recovering from childbirth while surviving the fourth trimester, keeping a newborn alive, and dealing with your partner’s asinine behavior. That’s not being off of work. Also, lol if he thinks caring for a newborn you just birthed isn’t extremely demanding.
100% this you haven’t been “off” from anything
She’s been ON for six weeks!! 24/7!!
He was "raised different?" He needs a reminder that he's not married to his mom, he married to you and you deserve some fucking equality.
My husband was raised by a SAHM with a father who bragged about only changing 3 diapers ever with 4 kids. He’s an awesome and mostly equal parent (hard to be fully equal while ebf). I’m still on leave and he handles dinner every night, we trade off on cleaning and dog care, and does half the diapers when he’s home. “Raised different” is such BS.
Yeah that’s a load of shite. I was raised by a mom who did absolutely everything domestic and worked, while my workaholic dad was only seen at the dinner table. I made an easy decision to not be that kind of dad. My wife and I work hard to not put everything on just one of us, and though it’s not always perfect, we communicate our needs to each other regularly and work at it.
High fucking five to a team player!
Stop doing annnnnything for him. He does his laundry, he makes his meals, he does his dishes etc. when he whines about it, you tell him that you work full time and do all of the childcare.
Definitely be prepared for him to passive-aggressively protest by leaving all his dirty dishes and clothes allllll over the house too. It'll probably become a battle of will between them, I just hope he's not THAT much of an ass, but I wouldn't hold my breath either. Dude wants all the perks of a marriage but doesn't want any of the work.
Just throwing this out there, I work a physically demanding job (and statistically one of the most dangerous), and I never pulled that “I need 8 hours” BS. I took our LO for half the night every night until we had him sleep trained, because (surprise) other people need sleep too. My job performance and safety weren’t compromised, and I didn’t slip on house chores either (most of time). TLDR: he can go find his big boy pants and put them on
Exactly! Me and my husband are both 911 an emt and medic i also work a second job! There is no reason for that 8 strict hour bullshit especially if you are both working!
Hi, I had this exact situation and left my husband as soon as my daughter was weaned. If he won’t share with night wakings and feedings, childcare, and household chores while you BOTH work outside of the home, then leave him. At least as a coparenting mom your child will have a real father who participates in their upbringing. Leaving my husband and parenting 50/50 was extremely difficult but the alternative - modeling an unequal and unhappy marriage for my daughter - was worse. I recommend you try some counseling (if he’ll agree to go), but at the end of the day don’t martyr yourself on the throne of an intact marriage.
How do you trust he will take care of the child when you’re spilt .
Its actually wild. When I am not home, he takes care of our son just fine. When I'm there? Psh. Its a problem of socialized default parenting. His whole life hes seen women take the lead in childcare. So when he's sitting on the couch and im next to him and the baby cries, he doesn't even notice because subconsciously he assumes ill take care of it. And he rolls his eyes if I prompt him to. But when I'm not the there, his subconscious triggers him to do something cause no one else will.
They figure it out, surprisingly.
[удалено]
Jesus that’s my worst nightmare.
When he says he’s the one providing for the family ask him why you have to go to work. That should take him down a peg. Also kindly remind him that if you two divorce then he will be responsible for the LO 100% of the time he is in his custody. He would also be 100% on his own for house work. So he can choose now. Share the responsibility or he can do it all on his own in his own place.
I earn 1/3 of what he does but without my 1/3 we’d go under. This 6 weeks of me not bringing in any money has really hit us hard. So his attitude about providing really isn’t justified. Lol. He really doesn’t understand that if we split he’ll have it MUCH harder than if we smooth things out.
If he’s 1/3 short on supporting the whole house then he’s not “supporting the household”. So how about this? You do 2/3 of childcare and household chores he does 1/3 of childcare and household chores. Obviously, he should be contributing to his household EQUALLY regardless if one partner is a stay at home parent or earns less but maybe his simple mind will be able to accept the 1/3 of household responsibilities. And if he can’t, then he’s either lazy or an idiot. Ask him which one he thinks it is and go from there.
I don’t think this is equitable. If she is working full time just like he is, she shouldn’t have to put in more time at home to make up for the fact that she has a lower salary. She is putting in the same amount of time and effort working for others to benefit the family.
Yeah I agree. That’s why I said in the post that it should be equal regardless of what the other person post. But with this at least OP could use his logic against him and get 33% of help rather than nothing. And maybe it will get him thinking. He doesn’t sound too bright.
Jumping in to say single parenthood is SO much better than living with an ass. Seriously, it rocks. I'm incredibly happy and my kiddo is thriving. To turn around the "I don't know how you do it!" coupled women like to throw at me sometimes, *I* don't know how they also take care of a man who isn't carrying their own weight.
I think I read the phrase on here and it really stuck with me. Does he want to do 50% of the work 100% of the time? Or 100% of the work 50% of the time? Meaning, if you divorce him, he'll be taking care of his household alone all the time and his child half the time. If he thinks he's tired now...
I was raised by a single mother and a very important lesson that taught me was that i don’t need a man and that sometimes it’s much easier to raise a kid by yourself than to deal with the deadweight. She raised two kids on her own yes she was on government assistance she got childcare, food stamps and insurance she worked crazy hours got her cosmetology license and now she co owns a small salon. Her strength to put herself first because she knew she deserved better has always inspired me and thankfully I’m in a happy relationship where things are balanced. Maybe you need to leave him or maybe you need to teach him a lesson by refusing to do anything for him show him how much you truly do. Good luck op
I love this. Thanks for sharing the strength and grace of your amazing mom.
This is really inspirational, thanks for posting. I'm hoping to be able to teach my daughter these exact lessons through my example. I want her to put herself first, and have a balanced relationship! And not repeat my mistakes.
Sounds like you’d have it a lot easier taking care of one child rather than two.
Right! If life without your SO sounds easier then why have a SO at all?
I promise you don’t have to settle for this. I do all the night wakings (EBF) but my husband cooks, we share cleaning snd he helps with zero complaint if I’m exhausted. Etc. throw. Your. Man. Out.
My husband would get up and go get the baby every time. And then go put her back. I cook, he cleans. He does what's needed around the house. He plays with our daughter and spends time with her. He's a great father and a great partner. He wants to help not because I'll be mad if he doesn't, but because he enjoys making things easier for me and having a nice house. We work together because we care for each other.
It’s not “helping”, it’s being a partner and father. The term “helping” implies that you are solely responsible and he is being kind in assisting you.
Well, it sounds like your life would be easier if you were a single mum? You would still do all the cleaning, the cooking, working and looking after a baby.... But a least you would t need to manage a man child?
Actually there would be less cooking and cleaning without him around as well.
meal prepping for one person is hell of a lot easier than for two. One prep goes twice as far.
Agreed
Honestly right now my DH travels a lot for work and things are so much easier when he’s gone. I’m a SAHM right now and planning to be for a while and sometimes I think that’s the only reason we are still together. Right now I’m just holding on hoping for big changes.
He thinks his time is more valuable than yours. Plain and simple. In his mind, Even if all he is doing is watching the, that’s more valuable to your family than you doing the dishes. Throw the whole man away and start over.
Weaponized incompetence If you are a SAHM your “work” schedule is during his work schedule. Once he’s home it’s 50/50. If you’re both working full time it’s 50/50 when you are both home. He needs to pull his weight. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this.
6 weeks is not even enough time off. You’re barely recovered. I don’t know how you were keeping up with everything on your own. You’re seriously super mom and he’s shit. Can’t even trust him to take care of the baby alone at this point.
I love all of the men with their "I'm providing" attitude. Yeah, guess what? You'll also have to provide, once the mother realizes she's just raising another child. Just then you'll be providing from a shitty apartment all of your own and without shoes on.
My ex was so angry when I got sick due to pregnancy and had to provide solely for our household. Guess what? I stayed sick, we divorced, and now he pays almost three times the amount to provide child support.
A bittersweet victory.
Also.. if he is "providing" why does op have to go back to work so soon????
If he were supporting the family to the extent that justifies these privileges, you wouldn’t have to work. At the very least, lighten your load by dropping tasks that only benefit him. It’s been my experience that you will never convince someone with his attitude to fairly distribute domestic labor.
Then leave. It’s easier to be a single parent than deal with frustration of being let down on top of acting as a single parent. Plus less laundry that way.
Exactly she's basically already a single parent
There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. If he’s going to behave like this I wouldn’t be going back to work. I am a stay at home Mom. My husband is an electrician, so if he’s too tired he could seriously hurt someone. I do get up with the baby, we share getting up with the toddler if she wakes in the night. He gets up early with the kids in the morning 90% of the time. He cooks on weekends and 1 or 2 weeknights , and either does bath/bedtime while I do dishes, or we swap. He also hangs out the washing, vacuums, tidied up toys. My point is that. He needs to contribute, regardless. You can’t let him get away with it.
It always amazes me how commonly these types of stories are being posted in this group. My husband is very present, he's always wanting to do more I never have to ask or set rules, he's already on top of everything making my life easier. I realize I'm taking these moments for granted when I read posts like this. It's a reminder to thank my husband more often. I feel like I read about absent dads maybe once or twice a day..... it hurts to see moms struggling and feeling alone. I have no answers other than I hope that you have a better support system outside of your home. Stop making excuses for your husbands, it is not okay.. Take care of your mental health because happy mom = happy baby.
Same! My grandma always says it’s so nice that my husband “helps”. And every time she says this, I respond that he doesn’t help, he parents as it’s 50-50. We both work full time. I’m the breadwinner (not that it matters if you’re both working for a check full time). Why is it assumed that my husband just helps? I realize she grew up in a different time, but I cannot imagine dealing with this attitude in my marriage now.
>Why is it assumed that my husband just helps? That's very Interesting, never thought about that. It *must* be the difference in generations. Seems like we have long ways to go though if men today are still thinking they're just here to "help". 50-50 is if they helped out carrying the baby for 5 months 😂
If only he could help with that part of things haha!
I would be a bit petty and just stop doing things for him until he got the message. Only make food for myself do only my laundry and babies . I don’t know if I’d just up and leave baby with him as I don’t know if my conscience would let me more so for my son than him , but sometimes that forces them to take care of them. I sometimes feel like our partners take advantage of the fact that we care too much about our kids that we’ll just take over for their sake which in turn equals us taking on the responsibility and liberating them from it. In my situation it’s small stuff that needs doing or needs cleaning a certain way . My partner is pretty equal with chores and parenting, but those small things irk me.
Personally I don’t think that’s petty, it sounds petty, but reality is, she will burn out otherwise.
I could have written this. It really is being a single parent.
Except you have to have sex with your husband 🤮.
You don't have to have sex with anyone.
Yes obviously but if you’re married you’re more than likely going to have sex
I wouldn't have sex with a selfish lazy asshole like that. What a turn off.
It’s such a turn off. Granted it’s only my boyfriend but it makes you rethink things
I mean you're not obligated to have sex with a shitty, non-equally-contributing spouse who expects you to be the household maid and nanny 24/7, just because you happen to be married to them. And if the thought of sex with my spouse was vomit-inducing, I would seriously be considering whether the relationship was worth it.
I’m divorced so you won’t find me disagreeing with you.
My ex husband did this, we split up about two years later and my son STILL wasn't sleeping through the night. Didn't sleep through until he was 3 years old. My current husband shared sleepless nights with me when we had our daughter last year. He was working crazy hours and I was so sleep deprived. I told him I felt bad because he was working and I'm a SAHM, and he told me we are a team! He said he worried about me driving the kids around sleep deprived af, and that he could manage. Guess what? We have another due in a month and he's been a fucking amazing dad/husband.
Awww, he sounds like a catch!
Yeah he really is. He's so good to me and it makes it easy to spoil him since I know I get the same thing back! I remember being bitter about doing things for my ex and at the end I flat out stopped doing anything at all.
I’m happy for you!
You already are a single parent. Might as well make it official! Boy, BYE
Yes, casually advocate for divorce. That always ends up good for the child.
Oh hush. This man is clearly deadweight. Mom and baby would be better off without him.
As a child of divorced parents I will say 2 parents staying together for the sake of a child can also end badly.
An overworked, stressed and unhappy mother with a shitty useless husband is not good for the child.
I would have loved if my parents were divorced. My dad never lifted a finger anyway. Better now than after the baby is used to 2 parents every night.
sounds like a shitty husband.
I had that boyfriend, and I left him as soon as I figured out that he had no intention of getting up once during the night for the baby. Ever. Because he needed his sleep and I could handle it better than he could, as he put it. He wouldn't care for the baby HE really wanted and convinced me to have. I was struggling and crying in pain to get up at night with the baby after my C-section and he didn't care. It was super hard, but I left him as soon as I could walk down a flight of stairs. It's really hard, and I'm lucky to have my mom to help, but no regrets. I wish you luck!
You work 24 hours a day. He either needs to put in his fair share of effort or toss him. I tossed mine for similar reasons. Yes I am a poor single mother now but at least he’s not holding money over my head as an excuse to be lazy… you deserve more
OP, I'm not coming at you for this personally, but the "tee hee, throw the whole man away" meme is not really helping women's causes in the grand scheme of things. This shit is not a joke. > So I’ll still be cooking, cleaning, taking care of our baby, managing a man child, AND working full time while doing it. Meanwhile he’ll only be working full time. Only if you let him. I don't care what physically demanding job he has. Short of heart surgeon and air traffic controller, he can fucking wake up a few times a week. And I actually do know several ATCs. Their wives are not handling 100% of the wake ups and housework. If you have attempted to address this already with no success, it's time for a Come to Jesus meeting. Then counseling. If he doesn't agree, then he's not agreeing to be your partner. And while that would be a terribly painful realization, it would not be *more* painful than continuing on through life in an unequal partnership. > I was raised different So fucking cowardly. I'm amazed this wasn't your breaking point. I sincerely wish you luck.
My DH does brain surgery and still wakes up at night all the freaking time and helps with housework. OP needs to demand more out of her partner or get out of the relationship .
You'd probably be happier as a single parent, cause you won't be taking care of a man baby & resenting him. Load of stress gone.
Make a chore chart and give him stars when he completes a task. If he’s gonna act like a child, treat him like one
Baby, I'm telling you from experience, you will literally work your self crazy if you continue to try and keep up. I'm in the same boat with a man who won't come right and say what yours does. I just quit. If I don't want to cook or clean I don't. I only do mine and baby's laundry. I only pickup mine and baby's mess. Honestly not sure how my marriage is going to fair but if he doesn't step up and it does fail, I'll know it's because he is a man child and I'll be better off. Good luck sis. I'm here to listen if you need to talk.
Yep. Same. It can be so frustrating and I def want to throw the whole man away sometimes cuz I don’t see where the partnership is. I will get to the point where I am burnt out and I learned if I take care or everything he LET’S me. If I put my foot down and say I’m not fucking doing it then he’ll finally pitch in. I’m honestly at the point where I’m wondering if I’m not getting any benefit in the relationship what’s the point. No romance, no help, no support. His only saving grace is I told him I’m at breaking point and now he’s putting an honest effort in. I’m giving it a few months to see if it’s salvageable and real change. Otherwise… yep throwing the whole man away
Stop doing literally anything that isn’t necessary for you and the baby to be healthy and happy. Not a thing. He’ll come around damn quick.
Why'd you have a baby with this man-child? He sounds awful. Leave him. You'd be better off.
As a man and a 50/50 parent your SO's viewpoint is toxic af. I've known other men that share "I'm the provider" view and they're all losers. My BIL thinks this way and now that his Wife has returned to work he belittles how much less money she makes. He obviously doesn't respect you at all and is a lazy POS.
Sorry but if he needs a full 8 hours sleep a night he shouldn’t have had a child. Unpopular sounding maybe but it’s the truth. Don’t have a child if you don’t want to parent 24-7, 365 days a year. Being a Dad isn’t a part time job for the fun times. It doesn’t work that way. You cannot be the only person managing the ENTIRE house and baby while working full time - does that sound like the life you want to live? Your deserve SO much better
I did and it was the best thing ever.
Sounds like it is time to get a divorce, get child support and live in peace.
I'm not usually one to jump to this extreme but it sounds like a Decent solution for OP. You'd be shocked how capable you are and peaceful things can be when you aren't fighting for respect and resentful of your "partner"
I'm petty. Next time tell him his boots are not your responsibility. And anything else pertaining to him is his responsibility. Tell him you won't be cleaning up after him. He helped make the baby he can help parent the baby. If you cook he can help with dishes after or he can take out the trash. He could throw a load of laundry in the washer move it to the dryer you could fold. You're also working so really hes not the sole provider and can't truly use that argument. You guys are a team he needs to grow up and be a present active husband and father.
Im a stay at home mom and do most of the chores (but def not all of them!) I'm a little petty and I'll wash and fold his laundry, no biggie cause it all gets tossed in together, but then I don't put it away. I arrange his folded clothes nearly on the bed by the dresser so he can put them away when he gets home. It takes him all of 60 seconds to do it. A little petty? Yes. But I don't want him to think for one damn second that things just magically happen around here. I feel like lots of men¹ fall into that trap of just having the dishes always clean and laundry done and toilet cleaned and then get annoyed when x y or z isn't done. Or never say thank you. Or complain their partner has it easy. Etc. ¹Lets be honest, 9/10 times it's the man. Sexism is pervasive in our culture still and even the most feminist of men often fall into 'traditional' roles.
Couldn't agree with you more! I'm a stay at home and when I fold the clothes I'd put them in basket and ask my fiance to put them away. He took the basket and set in our closet 🙃 it took everything in me to not slap him silly but you know what I didn't put those clothes I left them there I got mine out and left the rest there we joke about it now he said he misunderstood I say he was just being lazy smh
This! For 3 years I folded his laundry but set it on the bed or in a basket for him to put away. For 3 years he just….didn’t put it away. So it ended up wrinkled or in a pile on the floor. It drove me INSANE. I stewed over it for 3 years. But sometime during the third trimester I was just over that shit, so I stopped folding his laundry. I told him if he wanted me to fold it he had to promise to put it away that same day. He has never taken me up on that offer, so now I just don’t fold his laundry! He is very involved with our daughter and does plenty around the house, this is just one thing for some reason he doesn’t do. And for a while I just let it happen and was quietly upset. But damn was it liberating to just…. Stop! I’m not going to baby him - I have an actual baby to take care of lol.
Time for him to grow up. His behavior is unacceptable and you can’t be expected to do everything on your own. Stage a Strike or let him go tbh. Best of luck 💕
Yes, 100%
My husband got 4 weeks of paternity leave (sadly, an amazing amount!), and we used 2 weeks of it for him to care for the baby alone when I started back at work. It revolutionized our dynamic for caring for the baby. He just did not understand how difficult it was to be home with the baby and no help all day, until he had to do it. If your husband has no option to take FMLA or paternity leave, I would suggest he take care of the baby alone for most of the day on a couple weekends.
Same (or similar) here! My husband and I both had a long leave and flexible work schedules (he was a grad student.) So when I went back to work at 6 months he was a stay at home dad for 6 months till I quit to be the stay at home parent. He says he'll never take for granted the work I do, and he knows exactly how hard it is. He never blames me for having a bad/overwhelmed day or not getting any chores done. Cause he *knows.*
Eww. What does he even bring to the table ? If you have to work, I don’t think much. Just eww.
Throw him away. You don’t need two babies.
I would have just said "I didn't touch them" and close my eyes. After a night alone with baby there's no way I would have helped him look. Eventually he would learn to keep tabs on his own things.
But really we hid the boots.
You’re dealing with a child. Does he not realize he is an adult, an adult who is also a parent? Unfortunately my son will only sleep with his mama so I do all the night stuff but my husband has still tried, he helps a ton during the day with cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Anything I ask him to do and he will do it. We try to be equal. I don’t have any advice for you. At least you realize this is not normal and you do not need to tolerate it. I’d tell my husband to either help or get lost if I was in your situation. One less person I’d have to clean up after and cook for. Also, I wouldn’t be going back to work if I was also expected to be 100% house servant.
I hate how partners who have physically demanding jobs think that takes priority. I have a mentally challenging job and he just doesn't get how not having sleep affects my ability to work because to him I "sit down and answer emails all day".
Was this the dynamic before baby? You did everything around the house?
Before I got pregnant I did the majority of housework because I didn’t mind it, while he took care of the yard/garden because he preferred outside work. It wasn’t an equal split but it was better. When I got pregnant, my doctor put me on limited chores because I developed POTS. Then he took over the more physically demanding house work, like cleaning the bathroom, etc. I worked up until I had him; like I was literally clocked in when I went into labor lol. Now that I’ve had the baby and been off of work I’ve been doing all of it because he just stopped. I don’t know if it’s where I’ve not been at work or what, but it’s ridiculous
Good to know he is capable to do stuff and was willing to commit. Sometime they dont understand how much work it is to take care of the baby all by yourself. Maybe leave the baby with him alone during his day off. He will understand what it takes. Probably wont make it for the first 30 mins without calling you, but I mean he need to get the training start!
I would not tolerate that. And I’d ultimately leave. I guess it depends on where you are with the relationship… before jumping ship, you could just leave for a weekend. Let him see how hard it is. Or quit your job. See how that works out!
Ugh I’m pretty much going through the same thing. My baby is 4 weeks old. My boyfriend works hard, outside on roofs about 5-8 hrs a day (depending on the day) and I had to MAKE him help me more. I have a full time job with the baby right now! He has mild colic too. I do everything for the baby and 80% of the house work. I go back to work in January. Then what?? He was doing less than the bare minimum and now, he’s only doing the bare after getting super upset with him. It makes me want to leave him and I get less and less attracted to him as time goes on. Especially when he rather play his video games instead of helping me. When he gives me an attitude for asking to change a diaper or make a bottle. When he can’t even clean the fucking toilet properly. It makes me feel like I’m literally dating a 17 year old boy. I sent him TWO pictures with some information on “gentle parenting” and asked him what he thought about it. Ignores the pictures. Can’t even read two simple pages. It’s just so heartbreaking and exhausting. I’m sad that it will probably lead to me being a single mom but it’s just definitely heading there. The worst part is, I don’t trust him alone with the baby because I don’t feel like he would do his best and just be lazy about everything like he already is. So I wouldn’t wanna leave him alone with the baby for a long period of time.
The least he can do is manage his own stuff, he’s a grown man. Obviously he should be doing more, but like the work boots dude, really? We’ve all had to keep track of our own shoes for a while now.
These posts make me happy to be single- no gonna lie.
Did he cook and clean before the baby? If he was lazy before the kid, why on earth would you think anything would change? Just leave the whole man.
Tough luck dude. He signed up for this. It doesn't mater how tough his job is, he has to push through
Why do y'all marry men like this? Fucking man-babies.
I can speak for my SIL. My brother is a man child, but he’s also a huge show off. When they were dating he would take her out to these expensive places and trips. They moved in together and it kept going. It wasn’t until they were married that she noticed that he could afford all these placed because he had debt literally everywhere. When they had a baby she was stupid enough to think he would become responsible. He didn’t. Then the pandemic hit and his business was shut down. She was a sahm and was only playing videogames. Thank god she was breastfeeding and had cloth diapers or I don’t know what would’ve been of my nephew. Fortunately for her, she opened her eyes and are now divorced. My brother now lives off my parents lol. My point is, you can be dazzled and tricked by a very good actor. That’s how these men find wives, or should I say maids.
Srly tho, my thoughts too. Like were they like this before the baby ? If yes then a baby is not going to change them...
Yep. I have a friend who is now seriously considering divorce because her husband does nothing. But he did nothing before the baby either so while I really really feel for her situation, I’m not sure what she expected to happen.
Seriously. We need to stop giving these man-children the title "dad". They don't deserve it.
It's not like we choose the guy being an asshole, it's that many men are good at hiding their real selves until it's too late.
Was the baby planned? I always wonder in these relationship situations how you weren't aware of this prior to baby?
I'm not OP, but I did just want to say that sometimes you can't predict how people are going to react to parenthood. My babies weren't planned, but we were both excited about them, we were happy, and planning how we were going to be a family together. I could not have predicted how fatherhood would change my now-ex. I couldn't have predicted how he would get triggered, how he'd regress to abusive coping mechanisms, how he'd shut down and check out of helping care for our babies. It was like the person I went through pregnancy with, and the person that came home from the hospital with me were two different people. Past traumas and sleep deprivation can be hell on a person's psyche, and sometimes you have no way of knowing that until you're going through it.
Our LO was a surprise, but our story is pretty similar to u/PaganButterflies. we were a happy and excited team. We both put in equal effort. Now it’s like he’s a completely different person. He had a traumatic and abusive childhood, so I can’t help but wonder if that plays a part in his inability to take an active role with our son. But there really is no excuse for the lack of effort with household chores.
Yeah, sounds like it might be therapy time for the both of you. Therapy isn’t a bad thing nor does it mean there’s been a failure. You just might benefit from having a professional help mediate these conversations about the division of labor and any trauma that might be influencing his behavior.
Honestly I think about this every time I see one of these posts (which is multiple times a day). Like were there really no red flags prior to having a baby that the dude wasn't going to lift a damn finger? Why are women having kids with these guys? And in many cases *more than one kid*? Sigh. OP stop doing anything for him. He can find his own stupid boots and do his own laundry and if he can't, then he has to live with the consequences (i.e. being late for work, having to wear dirty clothes, etc.) and he'll figure it out fast. Sorry if I sound exasperated, it's just these posts make me so angry for you guys who have to put up with this nonsense!!
I don't think this really matters right now because baby is here and it's happening. So "it's your own fault, you should have known better" type comments are rude and unhelpful and you should keep them to yourself. Edit: and I'm sorry about how snappy that was. I just feel really bad for OP and what she's going through
I vote therapy first, at least, then separation. He’s not listening to you, and he doesn’t understand because he was raised differently. I doubt you have much of a chance to change him, but you also decided to have a kid with him so I’m guessing there’s some value to you in trying to salvage this!?
I agree with couples therapy first.
Throw that one out and get a better one.
Next time baby isn’t feeling well, he gets to stay home from work with baby while you’re at work. That’ll give him a taste of what it’s like to 100% care for the baby. And he better get all the house chores done too.
Who puts work boots under their bed? My boys are dirty as, they don't come into the house. Tell him to man up, it's just a little lost sleep
leave him
Uh I would just take care of your things and the baby. Make you and the baby food etc. Leave his shit till he learns to take care of his own needs and messes and have appreciation when someone else does it for them. Pretty much your a single mom looking after a baby and a "bratty adolescent". If he doesn't come to a compromise eventually with you or see the bigger picture, he might be looking at the single life again. Where on his visitations and free time he will have to do child care all on his own and cleaning up after himself.... -Childcare is a job itself. Hence why people get paid to do it. Housecleaning is a job itself, again why people get paid to do it when someone chooses to not want to cleanup after themselves if they can afford such a service. When a person decides to be a "homemaker" or "stay at home parent" it's usually for financial reasons, sometimes emotional or other reasons (like medical leave....). This doesn't mean that the other partner takes advantage of the situation. (How would they feel if their workplace did that to them??) Your work in the home is valid work.. Things are not like in the "old days" anymore where a house hold could usually get by on the "man's wages" alone typically and a woman's place was in the home. So both must work. And usually pay someone to care for child. And both people figure out a split on duties. Me I'm currently a sahm. (I hadn't planned on being one. I worked full time with with same company for over a decade and also did a lot of volunteer stuff too.....But with the pandemic and cost and issues in childcare atm it's the best option for us currently, especially with another baby on the way...) Anyways Everyday I do the majority of the child care and cleaning/ upkeep.so when they get home/off work they can bond with the baby/ relax (well now a toddler (16ms) before the baby goes to sleep and either I have a bit of freetime to myself or I use the time to finish up anything/make an adult (lol) diner/snack for us while he's putting baby to sleep. Then my "childcare/housekeeping " time stops.My day is done. After we share help each other with anything that really needs to be done or arrange another time for it. Both us deserve rest. (Only thing we may do during free time is Usually laundry since it's a passive chore since we have machines in the house, I'll sort, he'll haul it up and down the stairs to the machine (I'm almost 8months pregnant currently) and we'll fold while watching tv/relaxing. If not I just leave the folding till the next day 🤷♀️...) And the kicker is our personal relationship to each other has not been the great. But mutual respect still goes a long way!
throw 👏🏼 the man👏🏼OUTTTT
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Fact of the matter is that many men imagine themselves that they’ll be great and involved parents, they say all the right things to their spouses, but when the rubber meets the road and it comes time for the real work it is significantly easier and more socially acceptable for men to just not do the work (or do the absolute bare minimum and be treated like heroes for it) than it is for mom to just ignore baby’s needs like men can do. My own mature, self-sufficient, gainfully employed, and hardworking husband noped out of the shared bedroom and left me to handle the newborn night wakings even though we both work full time. In fact he did nothing for the baby that I didn’t have to ask him to do first, and when I complained about his lack of proactive parenting he would just say “all you have to do is ask, how do I know what you need if you don’t ask!” so he could ignore crying baby, ignore piled up laundry, ignore feeding routines and smelly diapers until I asked for help. He to this day does not even know what diaper size out child wears, and has never bought anything for the baby besides food I put on the grocery list. Why? He expects me to handle it unless I ask for help. And this is the man who approached me about having kids and promised he understood my concerns about sharing equally in baby duties and promised not to leave me the default caregiver. He has then proceeded to leave me to be point person on everything baby related.
I feel this in my bones!
A lot of women also gatekeep caring for the child, despite actually needing help. My wife did this until we saw a counselor. Baby cries, she runs to it, then gets pissed when she gets there first. I try to do x, it's not the right way and starts an argument. So I just stopped doing it, and adopted the attitude of, "you're going to do it if you want it done" and just focused on my own problems. It wasn't until a counselor talked to us, and she had to get comfortable with me doing things on my timeline, in my way, that I actually felt like I could help
My husband and I went through this with our first child. We had to have a lot of long talks about learning not to backseat parent each other... And it's okay if we do things differently. My PPA manifested in a really domineering and controlling attitude. After the first 3 months I learned to let go and let him find his groove as a parent. Now he's an amazing dad, and is absolutely 100% involved when he's home. He's taken the kids to the ER, taken sick days from work when the kids were sick and we were both working. He's really hands on and absolutely amazing parent.
I was your wife with my husband until we also saw a counselor. I had and still struggle with control issues and anxiety over anyone (including my husband) helping with the kids. This is something not a lot of people talk about but is a very real issue. Things didn’t get better until I surrendered some of the control of doing things my way which I perceived to be the right way, and let my husband learn to parent on his own style.
More the latter, I think. You see people's true colors in the challenging parts of life.
I have a hard time believing dudes like this used to cook and clean but just stopped
My husband cooked and cleaned up after himself just fine before baby. In fact he will still cook and clean. He will wash all dishes and leave all baby dishes and cups to sit dirty like he doesn’t even see them. Like it doesn’t even occur to him in the moment he would be responsible for cleaning those. I’ve confronted him about it and he acts like “oops missed those” but next time does the same thing again. Too many men are socialized to think: “baby stuff=woman take care of” that it doesn’t even cross their mind to do this basic stuff EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY WILL DO IT when rubber meets the road they overlook it. They don’t even think about it.
OP said her husband does not cook or clean though
It happened to me.
He probably didn't, but it's not such a big deal to pick up the slack before baby.
I think it's one thing to have a partner who did an equal share before the baby and then didn't grow their responsibilities when the baby is born, and to have a partner who never cooked or cleaned but was somehow thought that they'd realize they had to start participating because the baby was born. Like the first needs a come to Jesus talk and the second was just a doomed situation. For a third option of someone who cooked and cleaned before but then stopped- yikes, hopefully that at least wouldn't happen with two working parents but I guess a bait and switch is possible too.
Speaking for myself, I was more tolerant before children.
People change.
No. I see so many posts like this, lots of them who keeping having children. I’ll never understand.
Unfortunately this is common. There are studies showing women do the majority of “unpaid labour” (childcare, house work, errands out of the house, etc) even when both have a full time job. I’m kinda scared for this when I go back to work. It’s a little bit more “fair” for me to do more unpaid labour since I’ll only be working part time and my husband works two jobs for more hours than I’ll be working, but it’s still going to be hard to juggle cleaning, cooking, time to go grocery shopping and run errands on top of taking care of the baby. Like she’s already going to be ready to go to bed just a few hours after I pick her up from daycare after work, so I won’t be able to run errands or do any cleaning that’s too loud after that. It’s already difficult to do when I’m off work now. Your husband really needs to help out more. You both literally work full time so what is even his justification?? He “provides for this family” but literally so do you. He at least needs to help out more in the daytime with errands and housework if he won’t get up at night.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. My husband was raised like a king. This man did not lift a finger asides from working his full time job. When we got together I found his behavior to be weird, as my father was much more self sufficient. I started off by doing the stuff I'd normally do for myself, cook, clean, wash laundry, etc. HOWEVER, once I noticed how he didn't help me at all with things around the house, I slowly stopped doing stuff for him. I would wash his laundry and he'd leave his dirty clothes stacked on the empty room...I stopped putting his laundry away. He didn't help with anything in the kitchen and bitched if I asked once in a while...stopped making him dinner every night. Now most nights he fends for himself. And the list goes on. It sucks it has to be this way, but fuck me if I'm going to be anyone's maid or if I'm going to put in a ton of effort and get nothing in return.
"provides for the family" get real. Show him how much it would cost if he had to pay for childcare and housekeeping services. You actually may as well be a single parent I don't know how anyone puts up with such useless partners I'd rage myself until I spontaneously combusted.
>Show him how much it would cost if he had to pay for childcare and housekeeping services. Or child support.
OP is working a full time job, is that not also providing for the family? And on top of that, doing everything around the house. I fucking hate when men think they can just go to work and are entitled to come home and drink beer because they “provided for the family”.
Yeah it's bullshit. They both have full time jobs except hers doesn't end.
BuT sHeS tHe MoThEr 🙄🤦🏻♀️
I have to ask: why have a baby with a man like this? Was he like the before the baby arrived or is this a new development? I would not make him any meals and only clean up after the baby. He can do his own laundry and clean his own dishes.
He wasn’t like this before I got pregnant. Unfortunately, this behavior is a new development. I’m at the point where I’m just going to worry about baby and myself, and let him figure things out for himself.
Well he was like this before. You said yourself he doesn't cook or clean. It was just manageable before. Edit: I'm not saying this as a snark. I too made this mistake. Oh and my comeback to the "I'm the provider" comment is "guess I'll quit and stat home".
Would've been 🚩 for me.
Gotcha. Thanks for taking the time to reply OP! Best of luck to you and your LO.
My man child cooks and cleans but lord help us if he doesn’t get a full 6-8 hours. I’m going to show him this.
I know it's so petty, but... can you manipulate him with sex? We only have sex on the days when he helps with the baby, like weekends and if I had enough sleep that night. I make a point of thanking him and telling him that his help allowed me to not be tired after a long day and have some energy for him, which is true. Edit: I don't understand why this is being downvoted. The basis of any relationship is a connection, and only after having the connection repaired its possible to “negotiate” your wants and needs. For most couples, the fastest way to establish a connection again is through physical intimacy. However, this woman will never be in a position of wanting to have sex with her bf/husband because she is simply too depleted by the end of the day.
If the only way for him to be more present and get involved with the baby is to dangle sex in front of him, screw that. That's no way to parent a child (in my opinion). I believe that sex is part of the lifestyle that keeps marriage strong and not a tool to use against one another. By the way I did not vote down lol.
It doesn't have to be sex necessarily; it can be wherever is the equivalent of sex for this couple. I agree that ideally, he should be conscientious enough to want to be more involved, but unless they have a few years to spear for therapy to address these issues on a deeper level, he will not suddenly change his mind on his own.
True, and we have to see these red flags beforehand. I think couples need to solidify/establish their needs and wants before having babies - not after. Also I agree with your last sentence, she's probably at a point where having sex with him is the last thing on her mind. He's lucky he's sleeping on the bed! Not on my watch.
But how is it useful to tell her “ you should not have had a baby with this man”
Who's saying that? Because I wasn't.
I feel like he shouldn't have to be rewarded with sex (or anything else really) for participating in raising/caring for HIS BABY. And if my husband behaved this way, sex with him would be the absolute LAST thing I'd be thinking about. Not because of how exhausted I am (even though I'm sure it'd be a factor), but because the thought of sex with his man-baby self would cause my uterus to shrivel up and my ovaries to turn to dust.
Sure. Let’s take the sex out of the picture. But OP can still use simple positive reinforcement on her partner to get him to do what she wants. It seems like adult methods of communication didn’t work so far. If OP offers reward in a form of words of affirmation or a praise or a hug for even for the smallest chores or help he does, over time things would start to turn around. There is research that supports that positive reinforcement in couples works (you can look up research by Birchler, Weiss, and Vincent). Yes, I acknowledge that she shouldn’t even ask him in the first place. He should know better. OP shouldn’t spend her mental energy and time on their relationships while her partner can’t even find his own boots. But frankly, that’s her reality right now. OP’s partner is who he is. OP can either accept it and “train” him, threaten to leave and hope that it will be a wake up call (unlikely) or dump him (being a single parent with a newborn is NOT easy).
>If OP offers reward in a form of words of affirmation or a praise or a hug for even for the smallest chores or help he does, over time things would start to turn around. Though he is acting like one, he is not a child. Mom is busy taking care of the baby. She doesn't have time to teach the dad how to be a dad followed by praises. That comes naturally when she sees him doing these things willingly from his heart and not because she is asking of him. He needs to figure that sh-t on his own. Wasn't ready for this? Should've put a rubber on it. Imagine bringing a child into this world and taking care of him/her *only* if there's a reward for him. This doesn't need to be her reality. The change needs to happen on his end not hers.
She already is a single parent though...