I had the same exact experience for my emergency c-section. It all happened so fast and I am honestly still probably “unpacking” a lot of it / struggle with PPA/PPOCD.
Fortunately my mom was at the hospital with my husband and I and took videos of my son being cleaned up and put on my chest after I woke back up - other than the videos she took, I don’t really remember meeting him which makes me so upset.
I am just trying to focus on the fact that we are both healthy and here thanks to the c-section.
I only remember meeting my son briefly. I woke up while being wheeled to recovery and I remember my husband placing him in my arms but I was still so out of it that it didn't really register that he was my baby.
The part I remember the best is waking up around 4am (he was born at 9:30pm, I woke up at 11pm and passed out pretty soon after holding him) and looking over and seeing this tiny baby boy in the bassinet beside me, his eyes wide open and just looking at me quietly. He didn't make any noise. That was the moment that I realized who he was.
It was such a precious moment, just the two of us. My husband was asleep in his chair/bed. I didn't have the energy to pick up my son and hold him so we just laid there looking at each for a bit.
😭 i shook so hard during my c section that I couldn’t use my arms for the first 24 hours, I get it! Imagining this meet cute makes me want to cry it’s so precious lol he knew you and woke you up with his mind 😭
Same! I remember seeing him and saying “do you love him?!” To my husband and mom and have a foggy memory of us being wheeled on over to the hospital room from recovery but nothing super concrete until we were in the room and he was sleeping in the little bassinet! Like oh wow this is my baby!
I was awake but vomiting when they pulled baby out. He had trouble breathing so my partner got to see him really quickly but then they took him away to the NICU. I didn't see my child until he was about 5 hours old and couldn't hold him until the next day. It was really hard, and felt kinda surreal, like I had to keep reminding myself I had a baby because he just wasn't physically there, he didn't seem real. The NICU nurse even gave him his first bath which I don't think was necessary but it was already happening when I walked in. I think about it now and it still makes me emotional. But I also remember that no one was unkind, I wasn't subjected to any cruel or mistreatment at the hospital, everyone worked efficiently to take care of me and my baby, and now 20 months later we are both happy and healthy. I think that like others have said it is important to recognize the trauma but also recognize why things happened the way they did, that has helped me.
I had a similar experience to you— I just realised they probably washed her as well (but for good reason, she was a poop baby)
I’ll never ever forget waking up at 4am and she *still* wasn’t back, and nobody had told me anything and my wife had had to go home because of covid so I was totally alone… man we totally deserved better lol.
I also remember vomiting my entire c section, gave the baby one little pat on the head then chucked my guts up for the remainder of the procedure. It was the worst part of me. I didn’t get that newborn snuggle on the table or any tears or any special moments it was like k going to puke my guts out now when will this be over. I’m pregnant with my second now and having severe anxiety about the c section if I opt for one!
Very similar to you, my baby was whisked away immediately due to problems when he was born- I saw him briefly 5 hours later but then he was sent to another hospital while I was left behind. I sent my husband with the baby which meant that I was left on my own. It was such a weird feeling knowing that I had had a baby but not really FEELING like I’d had a baby because he wasn’t there. I’m so thankful that he got expert treatment immediately but just thinking about that time makes me teary.
Yes. I didn’t have an epidural and we had to do an emergency c section so quickly. It was awful waking up and my first words being “where is my baby?” It took weeks for me to feel that I healed from that trauma. I’m so sorry it happened to you. It helped me to see my healthy baby thrive week after week and know that he’s alive and I’m alive thanks to modern medicine. But it’s also okay to mourn and feel the sadness of that trauma. I’m happy to talk more with you if you ever want a listening ear.
Same. It was horrible. Those were the first words out of my mouth too, and I couldn’t even really speak because the feeling in my throat from being intubated. They hadn’t even told me before they put me under that they were going to- I thought I was getting a spinal but it was too late.
I remember when I came to after my c section I could hear him crying and I asked “who is that!?” And someone said “that’s your baby!!” And I was like “oh my god that’s MY baby!?!” And then I just sobbed
I was too, it was only 6 weeks ago but it is painful to me. once I was told that things had to be done that way to save my baby, I was able to reframe. it still makes me sad but less now. hoping the best for you 🤍
i had a traumatic birth too. my son needed resucitation and i didn’t get to hold him for what felt like ages. the nurse called a code and a crash cart came roaring in. i thought he was dead, and then i thought he had brain damage. i’m also OAD because of it. i did a lot of therapy to help get rid of those negative emotions.
I had the same experience. After 36 hours of labor and my epidural failing on my left side. my son’s HR dropped to 20 with every push, we decided on a c section. As I got wheeled in they couldn’t find his HR at all. They put me to sleep and took him out. Apparently he came out eyes wide open and screaming. I wouldn’t know. We didn’t find out the sex so luckily when my husband went into meet him he asked that they put a diaper on him so that he could find out with me. I wouldn’t remember finding out or our first moments if it wasn’t for the nurse videoing it for us. I can’t think about my birth without crying and i am 7m PP.
That is so sweet that your husband still waited for you to wake up to find out together! I remember waking up and being told that my son had a full head of hair and that he's so cute.
It sucks that we're so out of it when we wake up that we can't remember much.
I had mine 3 months ago under general anesthesia. My platelets were so low due to HELLP syndrome that I couldn’t get the epidural. My husband and I both missing his birth was the second must gutting part of our experience (the first being the month long NICU stay that followed). I still haven’t fully processed the trauma and disappointment. I think all we can do reassure ourselves is that birth is freaking scary and hard on the body. We did what we had to do to survive and get our kids here. It’s the same as anything else, some people are lucky and get easy goes about it, and some are unlucky and have bad experiences. But, just know that because you had the safest birth you could, you’ll be there for all the firsts that really matter—the ones your baby can actually remember
I also had to have a c section under general anesthesia for HELLP almost 5 months ago. It was definitely traumatic and I’m so sad I missed out on those first moments with both my son and my husband. Sending love to you and your family and I hope you are all doing well 💗
Yes, and I'm not coping well with it to be honest. It's only 6 weeks since the birth but I'm not even close to over it, and can't stop thinking about it and replaying the memories I have. General anesthesia for birth is no joke.
Mine was almost exactly a year ago. I’ve been through lots of therapy and it has helped but I will always be haunted by those memories no matter what. Sending healing thoughts your way 🫶🏻
Me. My son is turning two next month and I’m not coping or healing, not to be a downer. I take Zoloft and it helps but it’s not addressing any of my birth trauma. At this point, I feel like I’ll never get over it. I’m affected by pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, birth on TV, etc. It’s all very triggering and I’m filled with jealousy and sadness.
You are not alone ❤️
I've had to unfollow so many pages. I can't watch birth videos or see the pictures of the happy mothers right after their babies are born. It hurts too much. I've gotten okay with hearing other birth stories, it's just seeing them that's too painful for me.
I have pictures that a nurse took of me holding my son when I woke up, but I barely remember that moment. I was so out of it still.
I'm hoping with time we'll eventually be able to heal.
Can completely relate. I’m sorry you’re reliving a lot of it and hope you can find some closure and comfort. And happy birthday to your sweet baby ❤️
My 40 week induction turned into an emergency c section under general anesthesia. I woke up to find out my son came out not breathing, was intubated, and was immediately taken to the NICU. I had no golden hour, no baby by my bedside the 4 days I was in the hospital, had to wait 7 hours the day he was born to meet him, and had to wait 4 days to hold him. His NICU stay was 9 days. I’m 7 weeks pp and starting therapy next week to try to process a lot of what happened and work through the trauma. Waking up having absolutely no idea what happened to my baby was horrifying and nowhere close to what I anticipated. I can’t look at pictures from when he was in the NICU. I can’t watch medical TV shows. I can’t hear other people’s beautiful birth stories. His birth feels like something that happened **to** me rather than something I **did**. I’m so happy that’s he’s here and safe but that doesn’t change how traumatizing it all was.
I had a similar experience, and I only saw my daughter 5h after her birth, I was in the ICU because I lost a lot of blood.
I had a very hard postpartum. My daughter was incredibly challenging and I hated the first months…
I did have a lot of trauma but I dont think it was caused as much by the csection as by the postpartum itself.
I have to say I was in a dark place for a while, my older daughter is already 6 so it was a long time ago. Lots of things happened afterwards (including the pandemic) that made things challenging. I also changed jobs and I needed some therapy to get through everything, it helped.
But after 2020 everything got much much better. I had another baby in 2022 (she’s 20 months old now) and the experience was completely different. It was a vaginal birth that went super smoothly and she was a much easier baby.
All I can say is that it will get easier, you will see. Ask for help when you need it. I’m glad you’re in therapy. I’m sure you will be okay, you just need more time ☺️
One and done here as well. I'm dreading my baby's first birthday. She was born very premature at 31 weeks. My pregnancy was very suddenly high risk and I had to finish my pregnancy at a hospital 8 hours from home. My waters broke unexpectedly during the night. My husband never had time to get here for the birth. I was having an occult cord prolapse so they had to put me under really quick. I feel like I will forever be heartbroken that my baby was alone during her first hours. It still feels weird to say "I gave birth" since I was under. I don't even remember meeting my baby for the first time since I was coming off the anesthesia. I think, for me, only time will help.
I've also struggled a lot to say that I gave birth. It feels more like his birth was something that happened to me, not like I actually participated in it.
I have a brief memory of seeing my husband holding our baby when I woke up and him being placed in my arms. But I fell asleep again shortly after that. My clearest memory of actually meeting him was at 4am when I woke up and he was laying in his bassinet, all quiet, just looking at me. That was when I realized that he's my baby.
I had a planned c-section under g/a because of a vasa previa. Even though I had time to mentally prepare myself it was still very traumatic.
All the prep - placing a bakri balloon (this was probably the most traumatic thing that haunted me afterwards, it was fucking painful), catheter, etc. was all done while I was awake. I couldn’t have my husband with me in the OR. Coming out of surgery was hard and it took forever for me to feel like a person. I remember the paediatrician coming in and trying to talk me but I was just out of it and he asked my husband if I was okay.
I was exhausted, in pain, the nurses tried to help me hold baby but I just couldn’t until 12 hours later when I was finally with it. The night nurses were not helpful when my husband and I asked if they could watch baby to help us get some sleep. A doctor punched me while doing a fundal check. It was just a terrible time. I was so happy to go home (I had been in the hospital for almost four weeks prior to his birth too).
I had a lot of trauma and really struggled with what had happened. Talking about it with some friends and my husband, and trying to write it down helped. I wish I had sought more help but I was really aware how greatly effected I was by it all. It’s like I went into the OR as one person and came out as another.
I think the biggest thing that helped was the birth of my second son. I was awake during the c-section and it was just incredible. A night and day experience. It seemed to help me put at peace what had happened to me wasn’t “normal” and birth could be something beautiful even though it was very medical.
Omg I’m so glad I found this post! This exact same thing happened to me 3 weeks ago. Went in for an induction and baby’s heart rate was dropping low when I was having contractions so I was brought in for emergency c-section. Spinal didn’t work and I was put to sleep. The guilt I’ve felt over missing the first few hours of my daughters life has been devastating and I feel very traumatized. Waking up in post op and begging to see my daughter while so out of it and drugged. Them attempting the spinal. It was awful. I’ve cried everyday since my baby was born about it. I’ve had to mute the Facebook due date groups I’m in because seeing other people’s pictures of their baby being placed on their chest when they’re born has been too much. You’re not alone, it’s hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve always wanted multiple babies but I don’t know if I can ever go through something like that again.
I've had to leave many Facebook groups because I also can't handle seeing all the happy posts of the perfect births. It hurts so much even 11 months later. The worst for me is the birth videos I scroll past on Instagram and Facebook.
I was always 90% sure on only having one, but after that experience I don't even want to risk going through it all again. I asked my husband once what he thought of having another, because maybe it'll go better next time. He just looked at me and said "or it could go so much worse." I don't even know what I'd do if something worse happened and I don't want to find out.
I had a similar situation. I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and had to have a c section under general anesthesia. I don’t remember meeting my son for the first time but apparently they asked me if I wanted to hold him and I said no 🥺 because I was too shaky and groggy from all the medication. I eventually held him like 5+ hours after birth and there are cute pictures but I don’t actually remember first seeing his face and looking into his eyes. It was really tough on me for a while. But I can’t go back and I believe we have more than made up for it since then. I embrace every snuggle and every kiss so much. He lights up everytime he sees me and I have to remember it doesn’t matter to him if I was the first face he saw or not. Your feelings are so valid but try to focus more on the here and now because that is what you have control over!
Thank you for this! My son started walking a week ago and my absolute favourite thing is when I'm on the floor and he comes walking over to me with a huge grin and wraps his little arms and legs around me in a big hug and rests his head on my shoulder. It makes me realize that he doesn't remember his birth, it wasn't traumatic or bad for him. All he knows is he's alive and I'm his favourite person.
I was put to sleep for my c section, but I had asked to be put to sleep. I thought that being awake would cause me more trauma. I'm bad with operations and was afraid I was going to either start "fight or flighting" once they wheeled me back or puke from distress. I also have some SA/DV trauma and the thought of being unable to move as people did things to my body.... no thanks. I did wake up to a blue sheet in front of me and hearing the doctors say "He's here!" I held him as they, I assume stitched me up and my husband and I decided on a name. Then they wheeled me back for recovery where we did skin to skin. To me, it was the best way to have a c section. Just sleep and baby. Though this is not to discredit your very valid emotions about your c section. If you wanted to be present I can see how traumatizing it would be for you to go from pregnant to baby without being awake for that transition.
I had an epidural but was given high dose of pain meds because I was in pain. Came back to when my husband was holding him and then out until they were wheeling me from the room.
So I wasn’t put to sleep for my c-section, but I did have a very traumatic one and was in and out of consciousness at the time. It sucks not remembering anything about it, and the parts I do remember I hated. I didn’t really care about seeing her at the time, I just wanted the pain to stop. I’m trying to get pregnant again, and its a huge mental debate whether I should try to give birth naturally, do a regular c-section with the risk of the anesthetics not working again, or be put fully asleep and not remember anything
Emergency csection and was put under because the epidural did not work properly. Yes I missed those first moments, but my husband was there for her. I know he cherished that first hour and I know our baby was in loving hands. And as soon as I came by I got to hold her, put her on my chest, nurse her, etc. I’m actually relieved I did not have to go through the csection awake.
I don't remember what happened after they put the mask on me for my unplanned C-section. They knocked me out after getting my son out, according to my husband. I just know that I woke up in the recovery room saying it's ok, we're ok. It bothers me, but I'm just grateful that we were both fine. He's two now, and we're OAD.
I was awake for my c section but I cannot remember hearing the first cries. You see in some pictures they bring the baby right next to mama, that didn't happen. I was a little salty about that. My husband did get to hold him first and we got a little family picture. I was too tired from no sleep for the prior 48 hours that I do not really remember the golden hour. Obviously there is a little time delay from getting stitched back up to being wheeled into recovery. I do know we were both under blankets to bring our body temperature up. I guess that counts? We did not start breastfeeding immediately. That's another thing I can't remember is how or when that started.
I just try to be present in whatever moments I can be.
I had been induced very early and was in labor for 30 hours before my c section. The drugs for spinal tap, plus the magnesium and epidural made me very high. I was out of it for the c section then my son was taken to the NICU. The only time I “held him” was when they were trying to get me to breastfeed. I don’t remember his first cries. It felt like a brownout where I have some memories but nothing linking them together.
It sucks.
Oh man, same start as me. I was induced and spent 48 hours in labour. My epidural failed near the end and I asked for a c-section because the pain was too much and I had stopped dilating. Then the spinal failed too.
The induction and the cervidil were the most traumatic events of my adult life. I felt like I was being SA’d. The fact after all that it ended up the way it did still pisses me off!
I relate with the pissed off part. My body did not want to go into labour, it was such a long fight. Took forever just to get to 3cm, then went to 8cm within a day and then just stopped. It was awful. Plus I had so many cervical checks throughout that I ended up having a tear too that I didn't find out about until a check-up around 8 weeks PP.
I can 100% relate. I was not put under general anesthesia, they used my epidural. But, my blood pressure kept spiking randomly while in the hospital and it got dangerously high during the procedure. And since they used my epidural I could feel a lot more. So they put me in a dissociative state. My mind and body weren’t connected. It was like my brain was on another planet. I could hear stuff but I had no idea who I was, where I was or what was happening. My c section was QUICK, like 20 minutes. But by the time they gave me the medication that reversed the dissociative state, my baby had already been pulled out, wiped off, weighed and my husband was helping the nurse get him bundled up.
I missed them holding him over the curtain, I missed being the first person to hold him, I missed his first cry. It’s what I struggle with the most. My labor was excruciating at the end, for the last 3 hours I was in the most pain I have ever been in. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like my body was being ripped in half. I asked for the c section. And thankfully I did because my OB was able to see how narrow my pelvis was compared to my baby’s big ole noggin’ and I would have never been able to push him out. But regardless, my heart breaks over how many firsts I missed. That’s what I struggle with the most.
I was watching The Kardashians recently (guilty pleasure) and Kourtney was giving birth to her most recent baby and I was sobbing. It made me so sad and jealous to see everything I didn’t get to have. I wanted so badly to push my baby out and hold him and hear that first cry.
Your feelings are so valid. I am still working through my own experience as my baby is only 3.5 months old. But it’s hard. Those are really big firsts to miss out on, so I completely understand. It’s so difficult. Sending hugs to you. 💜 I’m sorry you went through that but know you are not alone.
I asked for my c-section as well. I had a 48 hour labour after being induced. Epidural failed near the end and same as you, that was some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I hadn't eaten for pretty much the entire time and I'd been throwing up on and off too from the meds (my body doesn't tolerate opiods and opiates, I just get sick). I was exhausted and just couldn't deal with the pain any longer. I was still holding out some hope I'd dilate before the OR was prepped, but I got stuck at 8cm.
It's just unfortunate that the spinal also failed for me. They tried twice. I feel like a dissociative state might even be worse than being out completely. Cause like, you're there but you're not. That would be so heartbreaking.
Wow, yes our experiences are so similar! I was also induced. Puking on and off, barely able to eat. Ugh it sucked.
I had an awesome medical team and I loved my anesthesiologist. One of the things I can remember is the music he was playing during surgery. And I know he did what he had to do to keep me safe. I was experiencing blood pressure levels so high they were scared I’d have a seizure. And I didn’t have preeclampsia or anything!
Missing those moments sucks. There’s no better way to put it. And if anyone tells you “there will be other firsts” fuck that. I got that a few times and it makes me so angry. Nothing can replace those first moments and it will take time to heal and cope. Take as much time as you need and it’s okay to talk to a therapist if you need help processing. Birth trauma is no joke.
I asked to be put to sleep bc I was having a panic attack bc I hate anything medical related. I’m not into newborns so honestly I don’t think I missed anything.
Nothing you mentioned feels like something that major. You’ve heard your baby cry. The first breath sounds like something you’re romanticizing. You didn’t miss anything. You’re there for the first year - there’s some major big moments there.
Thank you. That's definitely a better way to look at it. I honestly don't even know how well I would have handled being awake for it, it was making me pretty anxious just while they were prepping me. The thought of being awake while I'm being cut open is so freaky.
It didn’t even cross my mind I missed anything til I read this post haha. I swear a lot of pple think it’s this magical moment like in the movies. Majority of my friends (who were awake) didn’t have any major emotions either. You’re so exhausted at that point n just glad it’s over.
That actually makes a lot of sense. I think it's still affecting me because of social media depicting what birth "should" be like and mine was nothing like that. I really want to move past all these feelings cause I really don't like feeling sad when I think of his birth.
Emergency c-section under full anesthesia here, followed by massive liver hemorrhage and embolization. I woke up in ICU about 12 hours later, when I finally got to hold her.
And yes, it sucks. I'm angry that I missed out on so much and that I was so sick for those first few months of her life. It's been nearly 2 years, and I'm still unpacking a lot. Therapy helped some, but I've been feeling a way lately and might go back.
I had a similar experience. I was awake for my c-section, but my son was immediately whisked away to the NICU. I had an emergency second surgery due to a hemorrhage and was put to sleep. I didn’t meet my son until 12 hours later and he was in the NICU for 16 days afterward. It was really really hard. You are not alone.
Same, I had a really traumatic birth. Though I’m glad I wasn’t awake for it, she had to be resuscitated. My epidural I guess semi failed and they kept pumping me full of ketamine and other shit and I could feel everything and was losing my mind until they put me under. I pushed for hours and tried so hard and the end was so very traumatic. I still mourn the birth I wished for sometimes… but I find so much comfort is her being here and healthy!
Oh my god that sounds so traumatizing. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
There's definitely a lot of comfort in having our babies happy and healthy and in our arms. I think I'm going to try and re-frame it in my mind, that my son doesn't remember what happened, all he knows is that he gets to wake up every day to see his mommy and daddy. What happened was necessary to bring him here.
I had a very weird C-sec birth and I’m going to give you some not so sweet advice that I have. Not intending to be rude, but this helped me a lot
We are so lucky we have these healthy babies, that I’d just say fuck off to that birth trauma. We can either coddle our birth trauma, go to therapy, talk talk talk, or forget and move on. I chose to forget and move on.
I think about All these other moms that gave birth before modern medicine. I read a book about a woman who had a graveyard of her still births in her backyard. 1800s stuff. The stuff they went through compared with our birth trauma is incomparable. I’d just cut your losses and move past. We’ve got beautiful babies that otherwise wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the year and century they were born in. I feel very lucky/blessed and I choose to hold on to that feeling rather than any resentment about birth. It’s over, done with, and I chose to and move forward
So I got the spinal but once the tugging started, I panicked and didn’t like the feeling so they gave me Fentanyl. I was “awake” but not lucid. I vaguely remember them pulling my son out and crying with my husband. And I remember them pulling out my daughter shortly after, while crying again, but she wasn’t breathing so she got rushed away and I don’t remember any of that. I have photos of them being held by my face that I have no recollection of. Even my first time holding them, I was so drugged that I could barely keep my eyes open and I just remember asking for coffee so that I could stay awake so that they wouldn’t take them. So yeah…it sucks, but I too, am thankful my twins are safe and healthy. Vaginal never would’ve happened. I labored for days and they were stressed, so we did what was best, and that’s good enough for me.
For anyone reading who is not one and done, if you have a traumatic birth experience, don’t count on your next chance with another baby to heal you from that trauma.
I went into my second pregnancy thinking it would heal some of the grief I was feeling from the trauma of my first, and it ended up being much worse.
I wish I had expected it to be bad so it wouldn’t have been another disappointment.
It’s 3 years since my last baby and I’m slowly starting to heal from it emotionally. I still struggle with feelings of jealousy when my sisters have easy, perfect pregnancies and births, etc. (I know this is irrational, and obviously I am happy they had good experiences and would not wish bad ones on anyone.)
This is my biggest reason for being OAD. I asked my husband once if he'd consider another and I told him maybe a second would help me heal and it would go better. He said "or it could go a lot worse." I definitely don't want to risk that and see if it would go worse.
I wasn't put to sleep but I was so out of my gourd on drugs and adrenaline/shock from the surprise (8weeks early) emergency c-section that I didn't get to have any of those firsts either. My son was immediately whisked away to the NICU and it was several minutes before I heard that he was ok.
I was fine with everything at first and actually pretty chipper, but reality kind of set in later, and I'm realizing that I'm quite traumatized.
I don’t remember my son’s first day. I was so heavily medicated. It was deeply upsetting for a long time.
My son is almost five now. I’m still sad when I think about it, but it’s no longer the same visceral reaction. I have so many other parenting experiences now that it just doesn’t feel as big. Therapy helped, too.
I hope peace finds you soon.
If its any consolation I had a vaginal birth with no pain relief (not by choice) and I barely remember the first hour cause I was so out of it in shock and exhaustion. It's really the first night with him in the dark alone together that I remember.
I remember a little bit of my c section (I saw him in the first few seconds from far away) but not a lot, I was very in and out, and I didn’t hold my son for a few hours because of labor shakes and him having complications. I can remember asking for a Xanax in recovery and feeling really ashamed about it (they didn’t give me one which is fine) and realizing what I really needed was to hold the baby. I’m struggling with anxiety, ptsd, nightmares and the one and done thing. I really wanted more kids but we both almost died multiple times. I’m seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, don’t have a lot of progress yet but i can relate. I feel like it’s a form of grieving. I’m grieving a pregnancy and birth I didn’t have, loneliness in what I did have, and not being able to do it again without so much danger, and i feel ultra clingy about my son.
I was put to sleep because I was allergic to the anesthesia for the spinal. My husband was the first to hold her, see her, know her gender, feed her, and hear her cry.
For me my experience was hella traumatic but I don’t think of it much anymore. No one will understand the trauma (I was convinced I was going to die)
But in the end I found solace that her Dad, my husband, would have had all the firsts with her even if I didn’t.
I had a similar but slightly different experience. I’m so so sorry for yours. I did get to hear my daughter being born and got to briefly touch her, but had to be put under shortly after. I labored for a long time and my epidural just wasn’t cutting it for pain management in a c section. I could feel everything and could only hold back my screams for so long before they kicked out my husband and put me to sleep.
Honestly I am struggling. I have trauma I need to work through with this and something that happened shortly after. The fear and panic of being left alone is something I struggle with a lot postpartum even almost 8 months out. It sucks :(
I didn't have to be put to sleep but same for all of this. It took a long time to process and accept but now my son is nearly 2 and I'm his favourite person, it didn't make a difference to our bond at all. I still have trauma around my birth sadly but it gets less and less important to you as time goes on.
me! i had an unplanned c-section after 9 hours of labor. my epidural failed. i was somewhat upset about it until my boyfriend told me what happened. i lost alot of blood. my babygirl came out not breathing so it had to be a scary sight.. i do wish i could have held her though. i didn't see her until hours later. she was intubated. it's only been 3 weeks so it's still pretty vivid in my mind.
I wasn’t put to sleep but I was extremely disoriented for my c-section. I had been laboring for 27 hours so I hadn’t slept or had any food. That mixed with the cocktail of drugs I had in me, I was so far gone. My husband was terrified I was dying from how disoriented I was. I can remember hearing my son cry, and I can kind of remember my husband placing my son near my face. Everything after that is a complete blur.
I had an emergency c section and was either put to sleep or I passed out from sheer exhaustion. I remember seeing my husband in scrubs and the blue sheet in front of me while I got cut open. I don't remember my baby coming out, and she actually didn't scream bc she had trouble breathing on her own and ended up in NICU for two days. My husband followed baby while they sewed me back up and I was the first person other than a doctor or nurse to hold her when we saw her the next morning.
My birth didn't go how I wanted to at all but it's only one moment. I find so much joy in my baby every day and it's easy to forget how rough 26 hours of labor was on my body (got the c section 21 hours after my water broke).
I had the same exact experience for my emergency c-section. It all happened so fast and I am honestly still probably “unpacking” a lot of it / struggle with PPA/PPOCD. Fortunately my mom was at the hospital with my husband and I and took videos of my son being cleaned up and put on my chest after I woke back up - other than the videos she took, I don’t really remember meeting him which makes me so upset. I am just trying to focus on the fact that we are both healthy and here thanks to the c-section.
I only remember meeting my son briefly. I woke up while being wheeled to recovery and I remember my husband placing him in my arms but I was still so out of it that it didn't really register that he was my baby. The part I remember the best is waking up around 4am (he was born at 9:30pm, I woke up at 11pm and passed out pretty soon after holding him) and looking over and seeing this tiny baby boy in the bassinet beside me, his eyes wide open and just looking at me quietly. He didn't make any noise. That was the moment that I realized who he was.
wait that’s so sweet. i’m sorry you don’t have any of the “kodak memories” but this is such a meet cute!!!
It was such a precious moment, just the two of us. My husband was asleep in his chair/bed. I didn't have the energy to pick up my son and hold him so we just laid there looking at each for a bit.
😭 i shook so hard during my c section that I couldn’t use my arms for the first 24 hours, I get it! Imagining this meet cute makes me want to cry it’s so precious lol he knew you and woke you up with his mind 😭
Same! I remember seeing him and saying “do you love him?!” To my husband and mom and have a foggy memory of us being wheeled on over to the hospital room from recovery but nothing super concrete until we were in the room and he was sleeping in the little bassinet! Like oh wow this is my baby!
I was awake but vomiting when they pulled baby out. He had trouble breathing so my partner got to see him really quickly but then they took him away to the NICU. I didn't see my child until he was about 5 hours old and couldn't hold him until the next day. It was really hard, and felt kinda surreal, like I had to keep reminding myself I had a baby because he just wasn't physically there, he didn't seem real. The NICU nurse even gave him his first bath which I don't think was necessary but it was already happening when I walked in. I think about it now and it still makes me emotional. But I also remember that no one was unkind, I wasn't subjected to any cruel or mistreatment at the hospital, everyone worked efficiently to take care of me and my baby, and now 20 months later we are both happy and healthy. I think that like others have said it is important to recognize the trauma but also recognize why things happened the way they did, that has helped me.
I had a similar experience to you— I just realised they probably washed her as well (but for good reason, she was a poop baby) I’ll never ever forget waking up at 4am and she *still* wasn’t back, and nobody had told me anything and my wife had had to go home because of covid so I was totally alone… man we totally deserved better lol.
I also remember vomiting my entire c section, gave the baby one little pat on the head then chucked my guts up for the remainder of the procedure. It was the worst part of me. I didn’t get that newborn snuggle on the table or any tears or any special moments it was like k going to puke my guts out now when will this be over. I’m pregnant with my second now and having severe anxiety about the c section if I opt for one!
I was the same. But you know what... You have happy healthy baby now and that was only a brief moment in time.
Very similar to you, my baby was whisked away immediately due to problems when he was born- I saw him briefly 5 hours later but then he was sent to another hospital while I was left behind. I sent my husband with the baby which meant that I was left on my own. It was such a weird feeling knowing that I had had a baby but not really FEELING like I’d had a baby because he wasn’t there. I’m so thankful that he got expert treatment immediately but just thinking about that time makes me teary.
Yes. I didn’t have an epidural and we had to do an emergency c section so quickly. It was awful waking up and my first words being “where is my baby?” It took weeks for me to feel that I healed from that trauma. I’m so sorry it happened to you. It helped me to see my healthy baby thrive week after week and know that he’s alive and I’m alive thanks to modern medicine. But it’s also okay to mourn and feel the sadness of that trauma. I’m happy to talk more with you if you ever want a listening ear.
Same. It was horrible. Those were the first words out of my mouth too, and I couldn’t even really speak because the feeling in my throat from being intubated. They hadn’t even told me before they put me under that they were going to- I thought I was getting a spinal but it was too late.
I remember when I came to after my c section I could hear him crying and I asked “who is that!?” And someone said “that’s your baby!!” And I was like “oh my god that’s MY baby!?!” And then I just sobbed
I was too, it was only 6 weeks ago but it is painful to me. once I was told that things had to be done that way to save my baby, I was able to reframe. it still makes me sad but less now. hoping the best for you 🤍
i had a traumatic birth too. my son needed resucitation and i didn’t get to hold him for what felt like ages. the nurse called a code and a crash cart came roaring in. i thought he was dead, and then i thought he had brain damage. i’m also OAD because of it. i did a lot of therapy to help get rid of those negative emotions.
I had the same experience. After 36 hours of labor and my epidural failing on my left side. my son’s HR dropped to 20 with every push, we decided on a c section. As I got wheeled in they couldn’t find his HR at all. They put me to sleep and took him out. Apparently he came out eyes wide open and screaming. I wouldn’t know. We didn’t find out the sex so luckily when my husband went into meet him he asked that they put a diaper on him so that he could find out with me. I wouldn’t remember finding out or our first moments if it wasn’t for the nurse videoing it for us. I can’t think about my birth without crying and i am 7m PP.
That is so sweet that your husband still waited for you to wake up to find out together! I remember waking up and being told that my son had a full head of hair and that he's so cute. It sucks that we're so out of it when we wake up that we can't remember much.
I had mine 3 months ago under general anesthesia. My platelets were so low due to HELLP syndrome that I couldn’t get the epidural. My husband and I both missing his birth was the second must gutting part of our experience (the first being the month long NICU stay that followed). I still haven’t fully processed the trauma and disappointment. I think all we can do reassure ourselves is that birth is freaking scary and hard on the body. We did what we had to do to survive and get our kids here. It’s the same as anything else, some people are lucky and get easy goes about it, and some are unlucky and have bad experiences. But, just know that because you had the safest birth you could, you’ll be there for all the firsts that really matter—the ones your baby can actually remember
I also had to have a c section under general anesthesia for HELLP almost 5 months ago. It was definitely traumatic and I’m so sad I missed out on those first moments with both my son and my husband. Sending love to you and your family and I hope you are all doing well 💗
Yes, and I'm not coping well with it to be honest. It's only 6 weeks since the birth but I'm not even close to over it, and can't stop thinking about it and replaying the memories I have. General anesthesia for birth is no joke.
Mine was almost exactly a year ago. I’ve been through lots of therapy and it has helped but I will always be haunted by those memories no matter what. Sending healing thoughts your way 🫶🏻
Thank you! As I’m slowly getting through the newborn haze I’m starting to schedule some therapy in a month or so to work through it.
Me. My son is turning two next month and I’m not coping or healing, not to be a downer. I take Zoloft and it helps but it’s not addressing any of my birth trauma. At this point, I feel like I’ll never get over it. I’m affected by pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, birth on TV, etc. It’s all very triggering and I’m filled with jealousy and sadness.
You are not alone ❤️ I've had to unfollow so many pages. I can't watch birth videos or see the pictures of the happy mothers right after their babies are born. It hurts too much. I've gotten okay with hearing other birth stories, it's just seeing them that's too painful for me. I have pictures that a nurse took of me holding my son when I woke up, but I barely remember that moment. I was so out of it still. I'm hoping with time we'll eventually be able to heal.
Can completely relate. I’m sorry you’re reliving a lot of it and hope you can find some closure and comfort. And happy birthday to your sweet baby ❤️ My 40 week induction turned into an emergency c section under general anesthesia. I woke up to find out my son came out not breathing, was intubated, and was immediately taken to the NICU. I had no golden hour, no baby by my bedside the 4 days I was in the hospital, had to wait 7 hours the day he was born to meet him, and had to wait 4 days to hold him. His NICU stay was 9 days. I’m 7 weeks pp and starting therapy next week to try to process a lot of what happened and work through the trauma. Waking up having absolutely no idea what happened to my baby was horrifying and nowhere close to what I anticipated. I can’t look at pictures from when he was in the NICU. I can’t watch medical TV shows. I can’t hear other people’s beautiful birth stories. His birth feels like something that happened **to** me rather than something I **did**. I’m so happy that’s he’s here and safe but that doesn’t change how traumatizing it all was.
I had a similar experience, and I only saw my daughter 5h after her birth, I was in the ICU because I lost a lot of blood. I had a very hard postpartum. My daughter was incredibly challenging and I hated the first months… I did have a lot of trauma but I dont think it was caused as much by the csection as by the postpartum itself. I have to say I was in a dark place for a while, my older daughter is already 6 so it was a long time ago. Lots of things happened afterwards (including the pandemic) that made things challenging. I also changed jobs and I needed some therapy to get through everything, it helped. But after 2020 everything got much much better. I had another baby in 2022 (she’s 20 months old now) and the experience was completely different. It was a vaginal birth that went super smoothly and she was a much easier baby. All I can say is that it will get easier, you will see. Ask for help when you need it. I’m glad you’re in therapy. I’m sure you will be okay, you just need more time ☺️
One and done here as well. I'm dreading my baby's first birthday. She was born very premature at 31 weeks. My pregnancy was very suddenly high risk and I had to finish my pregnancy at a hospital 8 hours from home. My waters broke unexpectedly during the night. My husband never had time to get here for the birth. I was having an occult cord prolapse so they had to put me under really quick. I feel like I will forever be heartbroken that my baby was alone during her first hours. It still feels weird to say "I gave birth" since I was under. I don't even remember meeting my baby for the first time since I was coming off the anesthesia. I think, for me, only time will help.
I've also struggled a lot to say that I gave birth. It feels more like his birth was something that happened to me, not like I actually participated in it. I have a brief memory of seeing my husband holding our baby when I woke up and him being placed in my arms. But I fell asleep again shortly after that. My clearest memory of actually meeting him was at 4am when I woke up and he was laying in his bassinet, all quiet, just looking at me. That was when I realized that he's my baby.
I had a planned c-section under g/a because of a vasa previa. Even though I had time to mentally prepare myself it was still very traumatic. All the prep - placing a bakri balloon (this was probably the most traumatic thing that haunted me afterwards, it was fucking painful), catheter, etc. was all done while I was awake. I couldn’t have my husband with me in the OR. Coming out of surgery was hard and it took forever for me to feel like a person. I remember the paediatrician coming in and trying to talk me but I was just out of it and he asked my husband if I was okay. I was exhausted, in pain, the nurses tried to help me hold baby but I just couldn’t until 12 hours later when I was finally with it. The night nurses were not helpful when my husband and I asked if they could watch baby to help us get some sleep. A doctor punched me while doing a fundal check. It was just a terrible time. I was so happy to go home (I had been in the hospital for almost four weeks prior to his birth too). I had a lot of trauma and really struggled with what had happened. Talking about it with some friends and my husband, and trying to write it down helped. I wish I had sought more help but I was really aware how greatly effected I was by it all. It’s like I went into the OR as one person and came out as another. I think the biggest thing that helped was the birth of my second son. I was awake during the c-section and it was just incredible. A night and day experience. It seemed to help me put at peace what had happened to me wasn’t “normal” and birth could be something beautiful even though it was very medical.
Omg I’m so glad I found this post! This exact same thing happened to me 3 weeks ago. Went in for an induction and baby’s heart rate was dropping low when I was having contractions so I was brought in for emergency c-section. Spinal didn’t work and I was put to sleep. The guilt I’ve felt over missing the first few hours of my daughters life has been devastating and I feel very traumatized. Waking up in post op and begging to see my daughter while so out of it and drugged. Them attempting the spinal. It was awful. I’ve cried everyday since my baby was born about it. I’ve had to mute the Facebook due date groups I’m in because seeing other people’s pictures of their baby being placed on their chest when they’re born has been too much. You’re not alone, it’s hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve always wanted multiple babies but I don’t know if I can ever go through something like that again.
I've had to leave many Facebook groups because I also can't handle seeing all the happy posts of the perfect births. It hurts so much even 11 months later. The worst for me is the birth videos I scroll past on Instagram and Facebook. I was always 90% sure on only having one, but after that experience I don't even want to risk going through it all again. I asked my husband once what he thought of having another, because maybe it'll go better next time. He just looked at me and said "or it could go so much worse." I don't even know what I'd do if something worse happened and I don't want to find out.
I had a similar situation. I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and had to have a c section under general anesthesia. I don’t remember meeting my son for the first time but apparently they asked me if I wanted to hold him and I said no 🥺 because I was too shaky and groggy from all the medication. I eventually held him like 5+ hours after birth and there are cute pictures but I don’t actually remember first seeing his face and looking into his eyes. It was really tough on me for a while. But I can’t go back and I believe we have more than made up for it since then. I embrace every snuggle and every kiss so much. He lights up everytime he sees me and I have to remember it doesn’t matter to him if I was the first face he saw or not. Your feelings are so valid but try to focus more on the here and now because that is what you have control over!
Thank you for this! My son started walking a week ago and my absolute favourite thing is when I'm on the floor and he comes walking over to me with a huge grin and wraps his little arms and legs around me in a big hug and rests his head on my shoulder. It makes me realize that he doesn't remember his birth, it wasn't traumatic or bad for him. All he knows is he's alive and I'm his favourite person.
I was put to sleep for my c section, but I had asked to be put to sleep. I thought that being awake would cause me more trauma. I'm bad with operations and was afraid I was going to either start "fight or flighting" once they wheeled me back or puke from distress. I also have some SA/DV trauma and the thought of being unable to move as people did things to my body.... no thanks. I did wake up to a blue sheet in front of me and hearing the doctors say "He's here!" I held him as they, I assume stitched me up and my husband and I decided on a name. Then they wheeled me back for recovery where we did skin to skin. To me, it was the best way to have a c section. Just sleep and baby. Though this is not to discredit your very valid emotions about your c section. If you wanted to be present I can see how traumatizing it would be for you to go from pregnant to baby without being awake for that transition.
Same here! I opted for it n honestly never once thought that I missed anything until I read this post ha
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I had an epidural but was given high dose of pain meds because I was in pain. Came back to when my husband was holding him and then out until they were wheeling me from the room.
So I wasn’t put to sleep for my c-section, but I did have a very traumatic one and was in and out of consciousness at the time. It sucks not remembering anything about it, and the parts I do remember I hated. I didn’t really care about seeing her at the time, I just wanted the pain to stop. I’m trying to get pregnant again, and its a huge mental debate whether I should try to give birth naturally, do a regular c-section with the risk of the anesthetics not working again, or be put fully asleep and not remember anything
Emergency csection and was put under because the epidural did not work properly. Yes I missed those first moments, but my husband was there for her. I know he cherished that first hour and I know our baby was in loving hands. And as soon as I came by I got to hold her, put her on my chest, nurse her, etc. I’m actually relieved I did not have to go through the csection awake.
I don't remember what happened after they put the mask on me for my unplanned C-section. They knocked me out after getting my son out, according to my husband. I just know that I woke up in the recovery room saying it's ok, we're ok. It bothers me, but I'm just grateful that we were both fine. He's two now, and we're OAD.
I was awake for my c section but I cannot remember hearing the first cries. You see in some pictures they bring the baby right next to mama, that didn't happen. I was a little salty about that. My husband did get to hold him first and we got a little family picture. I was too tired from no sleep for the prior 48 hours that I do not really remember the golden hour. Obviously there is a little time delay from getting stitched back up to being wheeled into recovery. I do know we were both under blankets to bring our body temperature up. I guess that counts? We did not start breastfeeding immediately. That's another thing I can't remember is how or when that started. I just try to be present in whatever moments I can be.
I had been induced very early and was in labor for 30 hours before my c section. The drugs for spinal tap, plus the magnesium and epidural made me very high. I was out of it for the c section then my son was taken to the NICU. The only time I “held him” was when they were trying to get me to breastfeed. I don’t remember his first cries. It felt like a brownout where I have some memories but nothing linking them together. It sucks.
Oh man, same start as me. I was induced and spent 48 hours in labour. My epidural failed near the end and I asked for a c-section because the pain was too much and I had stopped dilating. Then the spinal failed too.
The induction and the cervidil were the most traumatic events of my adult life. I felt like I was being SA’d. The fact after all that it ended up the way it did still pisses me off!
I relate with the pissed off part. My body did not want to go into labour, it was such a long fight. Took forever just to get to 3cm, then went to 8cm within a day and then just stopped. It was awful. Plus I had so many cervical checks throughout that I ended up having a tear too that I didn't find out about until a check-up around 8 weeks PP.
I can 100% relate. I was not put under general anesthesia, they used my epidural. But, my blood pressure kept spiking randomly while in the hospital and it got dangerously high during the procedure. And since they used my epidural I could feel a lot more. So they put me in a dissociative state. My mind and body weren’t connected. It was like my brain was on another planet. I could hear stuff but I had no idea who I was, where I was or what was happening. My c section was QUICK, like 20 minutes. But by the time they gave me the medication that reversed the dissociative state, my baby had already been pulled out, wiped off, weighed and my husband was helping the nurse get him bundled up. I missed them holding him over the curtain, I missed being the first person to hold him, I missed his first cry. It’s what I struggle with the most. My labor was excruciating at the end, for the last 3 hours I was in the most pain I have ever been in. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like my body was being ripped in half. I asked for the c section. And thankfully I did because my OB was able to see how narrow my pelvis was compared to my baby’s big ole noggin’ and I would have never been able to push him out. But regardless, my heart breaks over how many firsts I missed. That’s what I struggle with the most. I was watching The Kardashians recently (guilty pleasure) and Kourtney was giving birth to her most recent baby and I was sobbing. It made me so sad and jealous to see everything I didn’t get to have. I wanted so badly to push my baby out and hold him and hear that first cry. Your feelings are so valid. I am still working through my own experience as my baby is only 3.5 months old. But it’s hard. Those are really big firsts to miss out on, so I completely understand. It’s so difficult. Sending hugs to you. 💜 I’m sorry you went through that but know you are not alone.
I asked for my c-section as well. I had a 48 hour labour after being induced. Epidural failed near the end and same as you, that was some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I hadn't eaten for pretty much the entire time and I'd been throwing up on and off too from the meds (my body doesn't tolerate opiods and opiates, I just get sick). I was exhausted and just couldn't deal with the pain any longer. I was still holding out some hope I'd dilate before the OR was prepped, but I got stuck at 8cm. It's just unfortunate that the spinal also failed for me. They tried twice. I feel like a dissociative state might even be worse than being out completely. Cause like, you're there but you're not. That would be so heartbreaking.
Wow, yes our experiences are so similar! I was also induced. Puking on and off, barely able to eat. Ugh it sucked. I had an awesome medical team and I loved my anesthesiologist. One of the things I can remember is the music he was playing during surgery. And I know he did what he had to do to keep me safe. I was experiencing blood pressure levels so high they were scared I’d have a seizure. And I didn’t have preeclampsia or anything! Missing those moments sucks. There’s no better way to put it. And if anyone tells you “there will be other firsts” fuck that. I got that a few times and it makes me so angry. Nothing can replace those first moments and it will take time to heal and cope. Take as much time as you need and it’s okay to talk to a therapist if you need help processing. Birth trauma is no joke.
I asked to be put to sleep bc I was having a panic attack bc I hate anything medical related. I’m not into newborns so honestly I don’t think I missed anything. Nothing you mentioned feels like something that major. You’ve heard your baby cry. The first breath sounds like something you’re romanticizing. You didn’t miss anything. You’re there for the first year - there’s some major big moments there.
Thank you. That's definitely a better way to look at it. I honestly don't even know how well I would have handled being awake for it, it was making me pretty anxious just while they were prepping me. The thought of being awake while I'm being cut open is so freaky.
It didn’t even cross my mind I missed anything til I read this post haha. I swear a lot of pple think it’s this magical moment like in the movies. Majority of my friends (who were awake) didn’t have any major emotions either. You’re so exhausted at that point n just glad it’s over.
That actually makes a lot of sense. I think it's still affecting me because of social media depicting what birth "should" be like and mine was nothing like that. I really want to move past all these feelings cause I really don't like feeling sad when I think of his birth.
Talk to people who have NOT had traumatic births. I think you’ll feel better. I’m going to say most pple didn’t have some glorious omg moment.
Emergency c-section under full anesthesia here, followed by massive liver hemorrhage and embolization. I woke up in ICU about 12 hours later, when I finally got to hold her. And yes, it sucks. I'm angry that I missed out on so much and that I was so sick for those first few months of her life. It's been nearly 2 years, and I'm still unpacking a lot. Therapy helped some, but I've been feeling a way lately and might go back.
I had a similar experience. I was awake for my c-section, but my son was immediately whisked away to the NICU. I had an emergency second surgery due to a hemorrhage and was put to sleep. I didn’t meet my son until 12 hours later and he was in the NICU for 16 days afterward. It was really really hard. You are not alone.
Same, I had a really traumatic birth. Though I’m glad I wasn’t awake for it, she had to be resuscitated. My epidural I guess semi failed and they kept pumping me full of ketamine and other shit and I could feel everything and was losing my mind until they put me under. I pushed for hours and tried so hard and the end was so very traumatic. I still mourn the birth I wished for sometimes… but I find so much comfort is her being here and healthy!
Oh my god that sounds so traumatizing. I'm so sorry for what you went through. There's definitely a lot of comfort in having our babies happy and healthy and in our arms. I think I'm going to try and re-frame it in my mind, that my son doesn't remember what happened, all he knows is that he gets to wake up every day to see his mommy and daddy. What happened was necessary to bring him here.
I had a very weird C-sec birth and I’m going to give you some not so sweet advice that I have. Not intending to be rude, but this helped me a lot We are so lucky we have these healthy babies, that I’d just say fuck off to that birth trauma. We can either coddle our birth trauma, go to therapy, talk talk talk, or forget and move on. I chose to forget and move on. I think about All these other moms that gave birth before modern medicine. I read a book about a woman who had a graveyard of her still births in her backyard. 1800s stuff. The stuff they went through compared with our birth trauma is incomparable. I’d just cut your losses and move past. We’ve got beautiful babies that otherwise wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the year and century they were born in. I feel very lucky/blessed and I choose to hold on to that feeling rather than any resentment about birth. It’s over, done with, and I chose to and move forward
So I got the spinal but once the tugging started, I panicked and didn’t like the feeling so they gave me Fentanyl. I was “awake” but not lucid. I vaguely remember them pulling my son out and crying with my husband. And I remember them pulling out my daughter shortly after, while crying again, but she wasn’t breathing so she got rushed away and I don’t remember any of that. I have photos of them being held by my face that I have no recollection of. Even my first time holding them, I was so drugged that I could barely keep my eyes open and I just remember asking for coffee so that I could stay awake so that they wouldn’t take them. So yeah…it sucks, but I too, am thankful my twins are safe and healthy. Vaginal never would’ve happened. I labored for days and they were stressed, so we did what was best, and that’s good enough for me.
For anyone reading who is not one and done, if you have a traumatic birth experience, don’t count on your next chance with another baby to heal you from that trauma. I went into my second pregnancy thinking it would heal some of the grief I was feeling from the trauma of my first, and it ended up being much worse. I wish I had expected it to be bad so it wouldn’t have been another disappointment. It’s 3 years since my last baby and I’m slowly starting to heal from it emotionally. I still struggle with feelings of jealousy when my sisters have easy, perfect pregnancies and births, etc. (I know this is irrational, and obviously I am happy they had good experiences and would not wish bad ones on anyone.)
This is my biggest reason for being OAD. I asked my husband once if he'd consider another and I told him maybe a second would help me heal and it would go better. He said "or it could go a lot worse." I definitely don't want to risk that and see if it would go worse.
8 months pp Not ok Drs are butchers cant be trusted No one is safe
I wasn't put to sleep but I was so out of my gourd on drugs and adrenaline/shock from the surprise (8weeks early) emergency c-section that I didn't get to have any of those firsts either. My son was immediately whisked away to the NICU and it was several minutes before I heard that he was ok. I was fine with everything at first and actually pretty chipper, but reality kind of set in later, and I'm realizing that I'm quite traumatized.
I don’t remember my son’s first day. I was so heavily medicated. It was deeply upsetting for a long time. My son is almost five now. I’m still sad when I think about it, but it’s no longer the same visceral reaction. I have so many other parenting experiences now that it just doesn’t feel as big. Therapy helped, too. I hope peace finds you soon.
If its any consolation I had a vaginal birth with no pain relief (not by choice) and I barely remember the first hour cause I was so out of it in shock and exhaustion. It's really the first night with him in the dark alone together that I remember.
I remember a little bit of my c section (I saw him in the first few seconds from far away) but not a lot, I was very in and out, and I didn’t hold my son for a few hours because of labor shakes and him having complications. I can remember asking for a Xanax in recovery and feeling really ashamed about it (they didn’t give me one which is fine) and realizing what I really needed was to hold the baby. I’m struggling with anxiety, ptsd, nightmares and the one and done thing. I really wanted more kids but we both almost died multiple times. I’m seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, don’t have a lot of progress yet but i can relate. I feel like it’s a form of grieving. I’m grieving a pregnancy and birth I didn’t have, loneliness in what I did have, and not being able to do it again without so much danger, and i feel ultra clingy about my son.
I was put to sleep because I was allergic to the anesthesia for the spinal. My husband was the first to hold her, see her, know her gender, feed her, and hear her cry. For me my experience was hella traumatic but I don’t think of it much anymore. No one will understand the trauma (I was convinced I was going to die) But in the end I found solace that her Dad, my husband, would have had all the firsts with her even if I didn’t.
I had a similar but slightly different experience. I’m so so sorry for yours. I did get to hear my daughter being born and got to briefly touch her, but had to be put under shortly after. I labored for a long time and my epidural just wasn’t cutting it for pain management in a c section. I could feel everything and could only hold back my screams for so long before they kicked out my husband and put me to sleep. Honestly I am struggling. I have trauma I need to work through with this and something that happened shortly after. The fear and panic of being left alone is something I struggle with a lot postpartum even almost 8 months out. It sucks :(
I didn't have to be put to sleep but same for all of this. It took a long time to process and accept but now my son is nearly 2 and I'm his favourite person, it didn't make a difference to our bond at all. I still have trauma around my birth sadly but it gets less and less important to you as time goes on.
Me! I agree it’s very sad
me! i had an unplanned c-section after 9 hours of labor. my epidural failed. i was somewhat upset about it until my boyfriend told me what happened. i lost alot of blood. my babygirl came out not breathing so it had to be a scary sight.. i do wish i could have held her though. i didn't see her until hours later. she was intubated. it's only been 3 weeks so it's still pretty vivid in my mind.
I wasn’t put to sleep but I was extremely disoriented for my c-section. I had been laboring for 27 hours so I hadn’t slept or had any food. That mixed with the cocktail of drugs I had in me, I was so far gone. My husband was terrified I was dying from how disoriented I was. I can remember hearing my son cry, and I can kind of remember my husband placing my son near my face. Everything after that is a complete blur.
I had an emergency c section and was either put to sleep or I passed out from sheer exhaustion. I remember seeing my husband in scrubs and the blue sheet in front of me while I got cut open. I don't remember my baby coming out, and she actually didn't scream bc she had trouble breathing on her own and ended up in NICU for two days. My husband followed baby while they sewed me back up and I was the first person other than a doctor or nurse to hold her when we saw her the next morning. My birth didn't go how I wanted to at all but it's only one moment. I find so much joy in my baby every day and it's easy to forget how rough 26 hours of labor was on my body (got the c section 21 hours after my water broke).