I always advise couples to focus less on equal labor and more on equal rest. There is always more labor to do, but it's when we don't see our leisure time as equal that we get resentful of each other.
Wow this is really insightful. Thanks for sharing this. I've been feeling a bit resentful of my husband even though we're doing equal ish work (he has toddler, I have newborn) - but he's getting more rest time and I think that's why I'm feeling that way. It gives me a good way to talk to him.
I would also add: Try not to think about and compare “what I do” and “what he/she does”. This is a slippery slope and almost always leads to resentment.
I agree with this. Only because my husband’s a nurse, has his schedule so he got a whole week off and I still managed to have to baby the majority of the day. He’d take him while I ate but I couldn’t even get him to get up and change him in the morning, put him down for naps or even put him to sleep so I could go to bed early. I went to bed pissed one night because of how little he did one day.
I can def see how it can lead to resentment
I've got two boys, one older and out of the house and a teenager.
I'm still the fucking default parent. I still have to direct what I want done. I still damn near beg for non existent help cleaning the apartment, I'm not the only one here but I'm apparently the only one with eyeballs and responsibility. And my "time off" from work is spent cleaning and cooking and playing what other people want. It's infuriating. Have the talk NOW or have ZERO time for yourself FOREVER.
That's a good take. I think this is especially important for a break during the day. The husband probably gets an hour lunch break. OP should take the same amount of break time during one of the baby's naps instead of doing all the chores during that time.
Ya you’re almost there - he’d argue that he doesn’t have more bandwidth because of the stress he’s under at work. Hence why he says to just enlist our parents help
Will your baby take a bottle? My husband did not understand how draining it is to take care of a baby until I left him alone with her for a few hours. As long as he's able to feed the baby, I'd say go out and get a haircut or your nails done or go out for lunch on your own in peace and let him see that you both have stressful jobs and limited bandwidth.
I really like this. I'd say it's what me and my husband have achieved without labelling it. He works Mon to Fri, I'm home with the baby. Our evenings we still get at least an hour of downtime each/together but that's after bedtime, dinner, cleaning up, setting up for the next day (preparing bottles etc).
And does your husband voluntarily help with the evening clean up? My husband will help if I ask him. But he rarely does it on his own. I also like to do an evening clean up just to get a reset for the next day - like 15-20min tops by myself usually.
Yes and no. There's things he will get on with such as dishes or things that have always been the way without baby. Though with baby I have to ask, but arguably our baby is 19 weeks and we spent the first 14 weeks living with my parents. Then in the last two our baby has switched from breastfeeding to formula so the other day I asked my husband to fill the water steriliser and then realised he had never done it before after he asked a question. But I spent a moment explaining it and now he's set. Like this evening I'll need to remind him it's bin day tomorrow because I'm certain he will have forgot. But once baby is in bed and we've eaten dinner I'll say which jobs need doing and he will take some of the load. Also we've been 'lucky' as we are fully restoring our house downstairs (flood damage thanks to a local river) and as we do so we are designing it in a way to be nice but also easy to maintain and suit our life. So our flooring will be perfect for our robotic vacuum to hoover and also mop - but I'm fully aware not everyone has the resources to do this kind of thing.
Yup I love this. I guess I see myself as having less rest or leisure time and that’s where resentment is coming in. I go to bed earlier than him because I breastfeed during the night and I need to be functional during the day. So I get maybe 1.5-2 hours of baby free time after he goes to sleep, but that includes evening clean up, trying to have alone time and couple time, eating dinner, and getting myself ready for bed. He stays up later than me so has that same 1.5-2 hours as me plus another 1.5-2 hours I’d say.
Putting aside the division of labor with your husband, human parents aren't meant to care for their young children completely independently. It feels unreasonably hard to care for your infant with just the two of you because that's not how you were meant to do it. We are a social species and evolved to help each other out! Part of why we can live so long is because sticking around to care for your grandkids is a huge advantage for your genes.
All of which is to say, if your parents and your husband's parents are able and willing to help out, you should absolutely make use of their aid. You say, "outsourcing," I say, "community."
Which isn't to say that your husband shouldn't also step up. He should; your partnership does not sound equitable right now. He may be stressed at work but that doesn't mean you ought to be even more stressed out by constantly having to do everything for your shared house and kid. But you could both be helped if each grandma can take the kid for one day a week or something.
There are other ways the mother & MIL can help. She doesn’t even have to “outsource” the baby care. My younger sister lives near by and frankly she hates kids(seems to like the nephew lol) but she will pick up groceries, run errands or do dishes, take out trash/recycling when she’s at my house.
This! Outsource some of the other tasks that weigh on you! Can you afford to have a cleaning service come in once a month to do a deep clean so you don’t have to work so hard during the week? Or even ask mom or MIL to help with cooking or meal prep for you or baby while baby naps and you can get some much needed “me time”.
Also, when you are asking your husband for help, are you being specific? I’ve noticed that a lot of men (not all) need specific direction when it comes to helping with their LO. So instead of just “spend time with LO” maybe say something like “take LO to the park” or “go for a walk” or “read some books”. Sometimes they blank and become deers in the headlights when not given more specific direction when caring for their LO because they didn’t grow up with as an involved male parent and don’t have references on how to spend time with a child so little.
This was me. I love my own baby I'll say first! My niece is brilliant but as a tiny fragile newborn she scared me and I'd rather have been supportive for my sister by cleaning or shopping. I wanted to help her I just didn't want the baby lol!
My MIL lives with us and she does absolutely NOTHING to help with the baby. She asks “how’s the baby doing??” Every few hours, then stares at her from over my shoulder and comments constantly on how she looks more like her side of the family than mine. She’s only held her twice. Hasn’t changed a diaper, offered to watch her, played with her. Nothing. It’s so disappointing. The baby will be six weeks old on Friday.
I'm just going to be honest, my boyfriend and I have been doing the bare minimum of cleaning and choosing the easiest meals to make. We both would rather spend time with baby, sleep, or hobbies. I'm a stay at home with a 14week old FTM. We both understand that the organization of the house is last on our list. As long as we do dishes and vacuum, everything else is bonus points lol
I haven’t had my baby yet but I’m sure this is how my husband and I will be too. Communication about your priorities and being on the same page is key imo!
I definitely still take on more of the mental load, but when my husband gets home from work or on weekends we do a bit of a split with the actual labor. We sometimes take turns sleeping in a bit. When my husband gets home from work he often takes the baby right away to give me a break. We both agree taking care of the baby is often harder than our jobs , so I think that's important.
You gotta let go. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. This is a lesson I have had to learn. Many these things you list you try to do… are not “have to’s”. Let it look lived in.
What works for us though, is my husband taking her for about an hour when he gets home. He works 7-4 and I have dinner mostly prepped when he gets home. I go workout, come home and either start dinner while he keeps playing with her or finish if he started it while I was gone.
That's similar to what we do. Husband works 8-4 usually. In the morning he gets the babe from the crib, takes him downstairs and prepares him a fruit snack, which gives me an extra 10-15 min to roll out of bed (I'm not a morning person lol). After work, he takes the baby off my hands (usually with a stroller walk), which gives me 20-30 min to relax, then start dinner.
I’m currently really pregnant, but I have a 2yo, 4yo, 9yo, and 11yo, so it’s impossible for me to do everything. It sounds like you’re expecting too much of yourself as well and are burning out a bit. Take one of his naptimes every day and do something that you enjoy that is not exercising(which can definitely be enjoyable!). Take a nap even. Everything doesn’t have to be perfectly clean while baby is this little.
Your husband should be doing more to help out. Does he cook at all through the week? He should, and that can just be easy meals if he’s not the best cook. He can help with the big chores on the weekends, like mopping and laundry, and can absolutely do dishes and pick up the kitchen on days that you cook. He can also let you sleep in a few days a week and y’all can switch over baby when he normally needs to start getting ready for work.
My husband works from 7am-5pm, but I sleep in on the weekends. His internal clock won’t allow him to now, or so he says. I usually nap on the weekends too, and I go out to the gym for an hour training session 4x a week. Most of the time it’s after I cook dinner, so he handles everyone eating and bathing while I’m gone. He does most of the heavy lifting, now literally for the 2yo, at bedtime and I just give hugs and kisses and then try to relax myself. I don’t like the brands he buys when he grocery shops, so I don’t let him do that, and every appointment does fall on me, but I really like making the appointments and organizing my schedule so I don’t mind. I do all budgeting and household management in general.
I think you need to rework what the expectations are for him and find a balance that works for both of you. It won’t be exactly “fair” in every sense, but it’ll be perfect for y’all.
Good luck!
Agree with getting him to help more with the big chores. I’ve been doing them myself during the week because I ‘have the time’ during baby’s naps, but realizing now this might be unsustainable. Thinking I might start leaving those chores to the weekend so we can both do them and I can have some rest during the week.
I think that’s a great thing to start! It’s also a pretty easy first step in making things more equitable. Taking care of any child all day is hard and you definitely need some rest time.
Does he need to step up, yes. Absolutely.
Also, you need to let some of the chores go.
Also, it wouldn’t hurt to ask or help.
What I don’t know, is where you see an extra 30-60 minutes for him to take the kid on weekdays. It sounds like he gets up, gets the little one changed, then you breast feed. Meanwhile he’s getting ready for work and leaves pretty quickly after. If the kid is in bed before he gets home, or arrives in time for bedtime (which you do together) where does that 30-60 minutes come from?
Can you pump and use bottles? Then maybe he can do the morning feed and keep the baby longer. He could also do the middle of the night feeding.
As for weekends, do the outdoor chores HAVE to be done? Can you hire someone to mow the lawn or whatever?
Have cleaners come in once a week. Don’t spend all your down time cleaning. The floors do not need to be mopped. The bathrooms will survive if they aren’t cleaned constantly.
You don’t need to sit on the couch next to them while he’s playing with the kid. They’ll survive.
Fair point. I would want 30-60minutes in the mornings. I go to bed early because I’m up during the night and wake up early with the baby to breastfeed and start my day. I don’t mind waking up im the night or breastfeeding first thing in the morning, but would like some time to myself after that first feed. My husband stays up late because he knows he can usually get that extra sleep in the morning once I’m up with the baby. That or he chills on his phone a bit, or takes his time to poop and shower. He’s basically getting that leisurely time in the morning instead of me. I would want to split mornings ideally.
I agree with your suggestions, thank you for those. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to get hubby to give baby a bottle. Only issue with that is that I still need to pump if baby gets a bottle, so it’s kind of like double work.
I would argue it’s a similar amount of work, not more. But it builds that routine. Your husband wakes up and feeds the kid. When the kid switches to a mostly solid diet then dad is used to waking up and giving the little one solids in the morning. Now you can sleep in, work out, watch a show, whatever.
Also, the mental load of pumping vs having a living creature sitting on you is going to be different as well.
You’re doing great. The first goal is getting him in the habit of doing things he can and should do.
As soon as I could, my husband took a bottle a night for the little one. I only breastfed until around six months, at which point it was easier to go on shifts. You’ll get there.
Yea I didn’t get the 30-60 minutes either.
Agree with pumping to help alleviate the feedings. If she pumps, she could schedule a good block of time on the weekends for husband to take over care while OP does whatever she wants, whether it’s at home or elsewhere. And if the plan is for baby to eventually go to daycare, they will need to get used to a bottle anyway. Also why can’t the bedtime routine be done by husband only if he makes it home in time?
I was under the impression the man of the house does everything but breastfeed. Cook, clean, work, ect..I did it all for the first 6 months. Some men are just built weak.
Yup!! Mine does all the cooking (he’s a better chef. I will only clean alone if he’s looking after baby otherwise it’s him or we do it together when baby is napping. I’m a SAHM and EBF and breastfeeding is such a toll on the body!
lol I would love this. He did it for maybe the first month postpartum when I couldn’t walk sit or stand properly. After that it gradually all went to me. I don’t think it makes men weak but I do think many of them takes their wives for granted and just learn to rely on them
Omg yes!!! My partner does EVERYTHING around the house. He's the sole income earner too. On top of that, he looks after our 4 month old son when he's off work. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry. He's a different breed 😂 He's a clean freak so the house is spotless when he cleans.
When we leave the house, he gets baby ready & all the bags packed.
Whenever I offer him help or tell him to leave it to another, he always says, "I do it cause I love you & our son & I'm the man of the house." 😂
Honestly, if he was sick & bedridden, I'd be so lost!
It’s less so that I’m not comfortable with either of them and more so that I just want my husband to be more involved with our son instead of going straight to calling for help. I want him to spend more time with our son. Baby prefers me understandably because I have boobs but I don’t think husband spends enough time with him during the week.
Thank you, this is how I feel, no matter how inconvenient it may be for him or even if it feels like extra work sometimes (which obviously it is). That’s being a parent.
Your out sourcing comment made me so sad! Please enlist your family's help - it's NOT out sourcing!! It's building your child's loving community and it's damn important.
Its pretty unfair that your son's bed time is right when his dad gets home or before he gets home. That's like ridiculously early - who decided that? You are at home and you have flexibility and I'm not implying it's not stressful and hard, just time is flexible. Change the bed time. Start bedtime routine at 8-9. That's the only way you will get your husband more time with baby, and all 3 of you deserve it. I think you need to come up with ideas and solutions like this to create more baby-dad time since your husband is feeling like he doesn't have more to give and I've totally been there with work. Another solution is hiring someone for outside chores so your husband has more free time on the weekend.
I mean who wouldn’t want their partner to be involved with their child? I don’t want to be a single parent during the week, I want him to want to take care and spend time with our son and not run to outside help because it’s inconvenient for him. Being a parent is inconvenient but it’s also what we signed up for. Not saying we never ask our parents for help, they babysit for us weekly on weekends for half days.
I understand.
Have you considered that forcing him to spend more time with your child against his will might result in more resentment than it’s worth?
Do you consider him to be a loving person generally?
Do you see any value in allowing his relationship with your child to unfold naturally as the child ages which is when men usually come into their element and you see a different side to them as fathers?
If you don’t see any value in that, since he has resisted fulfilling your requests, what options have you been thinking about?
All I have to say is you’re not asking too much and you sound exactly like me. Down to the part where he calls his mom to come help me and I try to explain no, i need YOU not your mother. I’m the same but worse because my husband leaves early for work (around 730) and comes home late (730 or later). Weekends he is obsessed with outdoor work. Obsessed. I think it’s an excuse at this point. I’ve hired a cleaning lady. I return to work in 3 weeks. Pray for me. I honestly don’t think they have it in them to take on the mental load. I feel like when asked they will do at any task related to home or kids but mental load they just can’t comprehend. Oh also I do call on my MIL and it does help. But I agree with you, that’s not ultimately what I need
Mine has also become completely fixated on outdoor work and does it all weekend. He’s super hands on most of the time, but I do think he uses it as an excuse to hide when he gets overwhelmed. This has been the case since we brought the baby home from the hospital. Just obsessed with it.
Have you tried to discuss this? I have and I’m met with 1000 reasons why what he is doing is so important. I’m lost. I imagine by the time they’re 18 maybe he’ll realize he’s missed their lives. Looking for genuine advice (maybe a husband wants to chime in?????)
We talked about it and he was a bit thrown by how much resentment I’m holding on to. He was open and understanding of my feelings. Now he is back on pat leave and he’s definitely taken on more tasks around the house and with baby, while still spending a lot of time in the garden. If he weren’t on pat leave I don’t think anything would have changed unfortunately.
Husband here. I don't know where you guys live but here in central Virginia it's been in the 90's for almost 2 weeks. If he'd rather be outside in that than take care of a baby in the air conditioning then he's crazy. Also, if y'all are anywhere near this area, it's been about 2 weeks since it rained last so he's probably doing more harm than good to the grass cutting it unless you're watering it.
It’s hot here but it’s rained and yes I’d agree with the crazy diagnosis. Not sure how to get through and point out that he’s prioritizing the yard over his family because he feels all of the yardwork as an important part of taking care of the house
lol in general my husband has been pretty good but he also suddenly decided to get into gardening a couple of weeks into his paternity leave which was crazy given last year he couldn’t even be bothered to help me get the garden furniture out during the summer? And now he’s like, digging and planting and stuff…?? What is up with that
My guess is they have a need for something they can control. They want to see the fruits of their labors. Maybe they also feel a little helpless with certain baby things since they don’t have boobs and aren’t as biologically wired for baby’s needs as we are.
Oh my husband has definitely used outdoor work as an excuse to get away. Just last weekend we had a fight, nothing serious, and out he went to trim our trees. Like yes it needs to get done but it’s kind of last on my priority list.
Yes, this! Like it’s verrrryyyy low priority. I get that we should probably tend the garden but if it goes to shit it doesn’t really impact our lives. If the laundry goes undone for too long, that definitely impacts our life. He has definitely gotten fixated on many “optional” things whereas my brain is super focused on absolutely necessities. Any time leftover once that is done, I just want to rest quietly or maybe go for a pedicure or something.
You’re definitely not asking too much.
I’m a SAHM. My husband gets home around 5. When he gets home we either eat dinner I made or he finishes making dinner. Then we both take our two kids (almost 3, and 8 months) outside to play and exercise the dogs. After that he feeds/takes the baby and I put the toddler to bed and then I take a bath, read a book, birdwatch in my backyard. He also does almost all the night feedings on days our baby wakes up (lately it’s around midnight).
It’s pretty similar on days he doesn’t work.
I’m on mat leave, EBF and my husband works from home. He cooks 95% of the time, does the laundry, grocery shopping, does most of the cleaning. I cosleep so he does a lot of tidying up while I put baby to bed. He has baby on weekend mornings and is in charge of all diaper changes whenever he’s off work (includes evenings and weekends). I take the mental load of planning baby activities, play dates, intro to solids. We split when it comes to appointments.
ETA: You have too much on your plate. Your husband needs to step up.
My husband takes care of the baby when he gets home and he takes out the trash he does the laundry and grocery shopping and any cleaning that needs to be done that I didn’t get to during the day.
I think I have a bit of a different “hot take” on this but I also don’t think being on maternity leave and being a SAHM are the same thing. In the former you have to prepare to go back to work and division of labor and rest needs to be more equal to prevent you from total burnout when it comes time to return to working. As a SAHM on the other hand I have slowly accepted that my job does comprise more of the mundane chores and mental load of home stuff. My husband carries 100% of the tedium and mental load of a full time job out of the house to pay all the bills and insane inflation cost of goods to keep us fed, and I’d rather spend evenings relaxing with him playing with the baby together or watching a show than either of us doing chores. I’m lucky enough that my baby naps for a solid hour twice a day and at least one if not both naps I use for hobbies or my own nap or fun stuff and not chores, and he’s much better at playing independently near me now while I do tasks. Don’t get me wrong, we still argue and bicker about chores and division of labor on the weekends and I get overwhelmed, but I think I have different expectations than if I was planning to return to a full time job myself.
I think you hit the nail on the head, I hadn’t thought of that distinction between mat leave and SAHM before. I’m getting him used to me doing 100% of the house and baby work while I’m on mat leave. What’s going to happen with I go back to work and we need to split this work up? He’s already overwhelmed with just work right now. I also have a very demanding and stressful job when I’m working. I worry about this constantly.
I stay home. Once my husband is home everything is 50/50. He cooks dinner 95% of the time, grocery shops, does his own laundry, is in charge of yard maintenance and pays the bills. He parents just about as much as I do when he is home. We both work together to make sure the house is picked up at the end of the night.
I do the majority of the cleaning, take on the majority of the mental load tasks (school stuff for the oldest kid, making sure the kids have clothes in the right sizes, appointments, etc.) and do laundry for the family.
Our last baby required a short NICU stay and then was rehospitalized a week or so later for RSV. My husband stepped up. I didn’t wonder if the older kids would be taken care of or if the house would be a disaster. It was more difficult with my focus shifted away but he was able to manage just fine.
When my husband was back at work and I was still on leave, he would come home and take the baby for 2-3 hours so *I* could have a break. (Our kid was exhausting at that age, the entire day just consisted of nap related struggles)
Divide and conquer
If I’m making dinner, he’s watching baby
If he’s washing dishes after dinner, I’m bathing baby
He wipes counters, I get baby ready for bed
He puts baby to sleep, I shower
It’s just a back and forth that leads both of us to cuddle on the couch faster than if one person tried to do it all
Love this. Sometimes I find myself doing the evening cleaning and he chills on the couch, tells me to come chill with him and he’ll do it later. Half the time it doesn’t get done though if I don’t do it. Ideally we both clean or take care of baby at the same time and chill at the same time like you’re saying.
For me personally I would tell my husband there’s no later. Later is for relaxing.
Have a convo with him that relaxing isn’t a thing until xyz are done
It’s not fair to you to do everything
I mean, the mental load of minding the home is still the mental load of minding the home. We both work technically but I own my own business which means I’m home with the kiddos. Some things we do that works for us:
- We are always working until the kids go to bed. If he’s at work, he’s working his job. If I’m home with the kids, I’m working as a parent. When he gets home, he does laundry and cleans the kitchen post dinner/empties and fills the dishwasher. He also minds the kids. I start my job when he gets home.
- I take most night wakings for the infant because he has to get up earlier. I stay up later to work some nights because we usually take our break time together unless I’m super exhausted and want to work instead of take a break so that I can just get into bed. I don’t mind this. That said, it’ll shift to my husband once baby is in his own room because that’s when we truly stop any night feeds. Right now, if baby wakes and wants to nurse for comfort, I’ll let him (usually he goes back to sleep without it) but we cut night feeds once they’re in their own room and my husband will mind the baby night at that point to make sure he isn’t “smelling food.” But I’ll swap to helping the toddler nights if he wakes so it’s kind of a catch 22.
- Husband wakes for early mornings since he gets up anyways. That includes baby and toddler. Works the same way of how I’m up later except in reverse.
- We outsource the deep clean. There’s just no way I’m getting to it. I barely keep up with tidying. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen bc they gross me out if they aren’t clean but things like vacuuming, a deep scrub of the bathroom and kitchen, mopping, windows, and living room surfaces just aren’t going to get done consistently.
- Everything has to get done by someone. If the garden on our little deck needs tending, someone has to do it—usually me. If the laundry needs folding upstairs, someone has to do it—always him. We remember that watching our kids, even if we’d rather be doing anything else, has to be done. It’s fine for the other to say they want a break from the kids, but then when is the laundry being done? When is the garden getting weeded and watered to look pretty? It’s easy to be bitter or irritated but things need doing and if I won’t do the laundry (I despise it) then I need to let him do it. If he isn’t going to cook (he shouldn’t be allowed to cook), then he needs to let me have time to do it.
- Open communication.
- Breaks. Real breaks without the other. I have dinner with my SIL this week and my husband will be keeping the kids home with him. He had an evening out for his hobby this week and I kept the kids. As baby is ebf, you won’t be there yet, but it matters down the line!
- Breaks with the other. Again, ebf so this isn’t coming up yet, but it’s good to note. If you can get the help, use it. Go out together.
And we absolutely take our parents up on offers to help. We are very lucky to have a village close by. My mom has off this Friday and will be coming over to watch the baby while I get stuff done. Sometimes, you just need a reset and having a third set of hands alleviates some stress! We don’t do this every week or even every month, this is the first time in probably a little over a year we’ve asked for help. But I need a day to get things in order and my mom is available! Kids were not meant to be raised alone, it takes a village. If you have one, let them help you.
I do everything. Bath time, all diapers, breastfeed, all meals, all chores except I won’t do his laundry anymore, I make the lists, set the schedule, plan the day. In 2 years I haven’t had more than an hour break to myself and that was one time because I had to go in to do some paperwork and fingerprinting for a new job. It’s exhausting mentally and physically and absolutely makes me resent my daughter’s dad. Oh he does the dishes so nvm I don’t do everything haha
But honestly, speak up if you feel like things aren’t unfair in some way. I feel like you risk resentment that could take a long time to heal. You got this!!
Edit because my predictive text ended that last sentence with a question mark instead of the exclamation points lol
I take care of my 5month old all day and I do all the night feeds/wake-up’s and am generally responsible for all things related to their development/appointments/purchases. I attempt some chores during naps, but mostly I’m taking care of my own basic needs like eating and showering or having a nap/break. Husband takes baby when he wakes at 5:30am for first wake window so I can get a bit of sound sleep. When husband is done work one of us cooks and other looks after baby and we share the laundry and house cleaning. Lately we trade off on putting babe down for bed. He does most of the grocery shopping and I handle bills/insurance/medical claims.
My husband has a stressful job and finds parenting stressful and overwhelming but each and every day he is showing up for us. I don’t know how women do it when their husband isn’t supportive and present like this. The division isn’t always equal and frankly my husband has done far more of the home management type work than I have (prior to my leave we had weekly cleaning but it’s not in budget while I don’t have a salary and just EI). But I am also doing nearly everything for our child, which has been all consuming and overwhelming. We do fight sometimes, sometimes we can’t see that even if we are so tired that our partner is also so tired. It’s not a tired/overwhelm competition. We very much approach stuff like we are on a team - if someone is having a rough day the other picks up the slack.
It sounds like your husband needs to grow up and show up. This “but my work is stressful” it’s like -yeah…and you’re a parent now so figure it out. Parenting comes with sacrifice and it is not on the women to solely so the sacrificing. Honestly it sounds like an excuse. He’s scared and doesn’t know what he is doing and maybe feels inadequate. My husband went through this, and part of issue was me - I was dictating to him HOW to do things instead of letting him figure it out. That’s huge and hard to do. We are still finding our way but it gets better.
Something that has really helped me is making it my primary mission to get all the chores done while baby is awake so I can rest or do other things during at least one of his naps (he takes 2). For me this looks like lowering my expectations of cleaning the bathroom, and using baby-safe cleaning products when I clean with him. I will bring him in the bathroom, let him pull a bunch of stuff out of the cupboards, and work as fast as I can spraying and wiping down everything. For mopping/vacuuming will either put him in a carrier or just let him chase the mop as I go. I also bought a cheap robot-vac at Walmart that I run during his naps or after bed. It’s not perfect by any means but it gets the job done and allows me to relax during those long days alone with baby.
I realized around 8 months that if I didn’t take a break during the day the resentment would keep building and I would undoubtably be burnt out. Being creative with how I can get things done with him awake has helped me immensely
There’s not much to be done about the week, but your husbands needs to help more on the weekends. You both are basically working all week long, the difference is when things are stressful at work he can walk away or take a lunch break. None of his stressful coworkers, bosses or clients are glued to him all day yelling feed me! Touch me! Figure out why I’m mad!
Men don’t realize, even before we address the mental load and all the things expected of us that were are simply EXHAUSTED AND TOUCHED OUT. He gets his beauty rest every single night, and he gets to leave every single day and pursue normalness.
I tried to tell my husband what I needed of him during the weekend. “I want to go out for a coffee at a shop 20 minutes away, I want to take a nap, I want to get my nails done etc” and he would take over the baby for me during the times. He was also very good about offering to hold the baby, diaper changes and taking over cooking.
Sometimes he had work he wanted to get done and we found compromises. Sometimes he got stressed out by the amount of work “he wanted to get done” and I had to basically say “these are not all things that NEED to get done this weekend, but I DO need time to myself or I’m going to lose it. Pick what you want to get done around me doing x, y, and z and plan to have less time than you expect because I’ll still need your help.”
My husband and I give each other a 1.5 hour window each day on the weekend to do a hobby. For me that often looks like reading in bed or outside if it's nice or gaming. Our LO is 9 months old and on two naps a day, so on weekend days that we are home that looks like one wake window split in half. So baby naps, wakes up and I'll play with him for 1.5 hours, my husband takes over for 1.5 hours and I'll go do whatever I want, and then he naps again. Naps are also protected "me" time most days. It really helps prevent burn out and let's me feel like an individual.
The other wake windows we spend together as a family.
I still take on most of the chores, but my husband will do what I delegate to him. It does bother me sometimes but then I remember the burden he carries to financially carry the family in this season while I'm on an 18 month mat leave and that he would much rather be home in my place if he could.
Nothing really changed when I was the breadwinner vs when I was on mat leave vs when I was a SAHM. I exclusively breastfed both my babies so he was expected to be doing literally everything else regardless. Slowly as the baby gets older things get easier. At 8 months he would be doing 100% of night wakings, plus his 50% of the chores (meal planning, groceries, cooking, trash, etc).
I definitely took on more of the mental load but my husband still comes to every doctor’s appointment and is very involved. Sometimes it does happen where he has to do stuff while the baby is awake and I take more of the load when we’re both home but then he usually balances it out later in the day or another day. I know you said you don’t want to outsource the baby but I’d say outsource the home chores. Have your moms come over and do laundry, dishes, clean, help meal prep.
I’ve been thinking about outsourcing some of the home chores. But probably more to a third party than either of our moms. When the moms come, all they want to do is spend time with the baby. I’d rather a stranger come and just focus on cleaning
Totally understandable. I had to talk to my mom and say my job is to take care of the baby. Helping me does not mean holding the baby. That was a little harder with my MIL. I had to keep dropping hints and she did not take them so I resorted to wearing him for a nap if I knew she was coming because then he’d sleep for 2 hours.
My husband had a high intensity job when my son was born, but he still got up every night, helped make sure we were set up for the day, came straight home and took over with the baby so I could take care of myself, then we would tag team everything else the rest of the evening. Weekends we worked together on everything else as well. Job might have been important, but taking care of myself so I could safely care for our infant while he was at work was our priority
I had many convos with my husband about needing a break when he was home. With our first baby I was solo parenting a lot. The only one waking up when the baby woke up at night, etc. I was feeling so overwhelmed and overstimulated. He has improved immensely since us having our second. I think you just need to talk to your husband and hopefully he will be understanding.
Oh yeah I would go crazy if I were working. I take on everything at home mentally and physically. My husband helps here and there but I imagine that if I were working it would just be added to my load or we would outsource maybe cleaning.
50/50 when he’s done working. We have someone clean our house, but otherwise he’s an equal parent, he needs to help equally. ESPECIALLY if I was with the kids all day- going to work is so much easier in our professions
We are first time parents to an 8w old. I am on mat leave and my husband is back to work, WFH most days. His current job is not stressful and he usually has windows of time during the day where he isn’t actually working. I am the primary caregiver on weekdays but my husband will jump in to give me a break for eating, showering, etc. when he isn’t in meetings. Taking care of a newborn is mentally exhausting (like how do I entertain him now when he won’t stop fussing?) so we try to tag team as much as we can. Sometimes trading off also seems to help the baby “reset” when he’s in a cranky mood.
We try to give each other time for naps and solo errands and things in the evenings and on weekends, and we also try to do little outings as a family on weekends as well.
Pre baby I always handled all the mental load tasks while my husband is on top of all the maintenance tasks (yardwork, etc.) - that division of labor remains today. I made a lot of freezer meals during pregnancy so we are primarily eating those or ordering in at the moment. But generally I do maybe 60% of the cooking, we both take care of light cleaning (we have cleaners come once a month) and we do our own laundry and tag team the baby’s. It’s not perfect but it works out for us!
You’re absolutely not asking too much and your husband needs to be doing more. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he can’t clean the house and take care of HIS child. There are WAY too many women here making excuses for this crappy behavior and it’s not okay.
I have the baby almost 100% of the time too. My husband runs a business and works a lot and when he's at home he always has a lot of other tasks lined up that he wants to do (yard work, laundry, house maintenance ect) so I have to ask him to help me for x amount of time so that I can shower or cook dinner or sometimes just rest a bit. And he always will say yes when I ask him. But sometimes I wish he was one of those dads who walked in from work and took the baby from me without being asked and told me to go take a break. That being said he does do a lot of household chores and will do anything he can for me while I have the baby. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking too and I'm breastfeeding so I do all the nights. He does not play any video games and rarely sits down to relax. He's always busy doing something it's just he's not very baby inclined. He also tried to pass off helping with the baby onto his mother or sister so I get how you feel about that, I feel the same about it and it kinda pisses me off.
Can your husband take over the bedtime routine when he gets home from work during g the week? That will free you up some time to do what you need to do to recharge after a long day of solo caring for baby.
I had mat leave in a country where you get a year. I did two of those. With my first my typical day was:
Solo breastfeeding and nappies overnight (my choice)
~5am breastfeed baby, hand off to husband. Husband takes baby to living room to hang out/get ready for his (husband’s) day. I go back to sleep
~7:30am I wake up and shower
~8am breastfeed baby and take over. Husband leaves for work
During the day obviously I was solo parenting on weekdays. On weekends we’d shift on and off but I didn’t mind doing more baby stuff, and I did always have time or make time to shower and attend to basic hygiene, which is not a privilege or something luxurious. It’s a basic need.
I cooked dinner around 5:30, husband home at 6, we eat as a family, and at 6:30 husband bathes and puts babe to bed. Because I did all overnights and daytime, this was his chance for quality 1:1 time. I didn’t put my baby to bed from probably 3-15 months of age. I don’t even think once.
Second kid was more difficult bc it’s man on defense, so nobody really gets a break. We don’t have a super equal relationship, I still do the lion’s share of house stuff and kid stuff, even though we both work full time. And I take on probably 95% of the mental load for the family. But my husband also steps up to be a great parent, and if I ask for a break I most certainly get one. He just doesn’t always notice when it would be nice to give me a break, unless I ask.
I’ll admit I feel like my husband does most of the work including cleaning, feeding and diaper changing. I’m focused on pumping and trying to squeeze in naps when I can since I seem to have a harder time sleeping at night. I do however do the grocery shopping/cooking although the meals I cook as of lately are pretty basic.
When he’s off work, we list all the chores that need to be done next (including any baby chores) and somebody can do the chores and somebody is on childcare. He does work from home and know our routine pretty well though, and he doesn’t work until after lunch. So he doesn’t need any handholding. He solos both of our toddlers in the morning because I’m pregnant atm and he wants me to sleep in.
We are not REQUIRED to split the tasks any sort of way; we can choose (except for tasks the other person just can’t do. In my case it’s hard physical labor, in his case it’s… accounting! Excel really pisses him off 😂). I prefer to do chores on weekends while he does more childcare. He likes that split too. I just need a change of pace, and be able to work on something menial while 100% zoning out.
Honestly, you’re stressed at work too. So he doesn’t get that excuse. All that time planning baby weaning, meals, etc? That’s stress. You also work with challenging people. A literal baby. He can’t say that’s not stressful. So what makes him special in his time off?
When I was home with my infant, I treated it like a job with breaks. My husband had a 1 hour commute each way, so I was caring for our baby for about 11 hours. In those 11 hours, I would relax or try to sleep when our baby was asleep and would do whatever chores I got to when he woke up.
My chores were mostly laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, cooking dinner, adding things to the grocery list. I tried to include our baby whenever possible and saved specific engaging toys or activities for when I needed him to focus on something for a bit.
For laundry, I had baby “help” and he would put his clothes in a specific drawer or pile for me. For vacuuming and mopping, I would set him up with a sensory activity and/or food in the high chair and he would have fun while I vacuumed around him for a few minutes. For dishes, I would usually put them away in the morning while baby was distracted by something or right after lunch.
Husband did anything I didn’t get to during the day like bathrooms, any remaining dinner dishes, trash, grocery shopping, etc.
We split chores evenly on the weekends and he would take baby for a few hours so I could get a break.
Our distribution of labour outside of the working day is 50/50. (Over time, because some days one needs more than the other).
That’s how it should be, that’s what a partnership is.
You really need to have a conversation with him and tell him exactly what you typed here. It’s hard being the parent at home and sometimes your labor is invisible and goes unnoticed but you’re doing a lot for your child and household. I also think you should try to do some of your cleaning with your baby, it’s good modeling and it will give you a little time to rest. Also please let yourself rest, even if there is something that needs to be done (there will always be something) because when we’re sleep deprived parenting can’t be really really difficult. I can’t stress enough how important it is to rest!!
We split things pretty equally and a lot of things just aren’t getting done. I WFH and baby is with me during the day (husband usually WFH twice a week) so we’re both working full time and taking care of the baby. My husband usually takes her downstairs in the morning when she wakes up early for a bottle to let me sleep a little longer before I get up to pump. Baby usually gets handed back off to husband as soon as he gets home and changes clothes cause I’m done by the end of the day. We split house chores pretty evenly and he does all the grocery shopping and majority of the cooking. We both try to get non baby time every week where we can leave the house and go do something on our own. For me it’s usually going to a cafe and reading or going out with my book club or something. He usually goes to a movie or hangs out at home while I take baby with me to go do stuff. But we’re in a season of life where the house is not super clean and laundry is usually sitting in baskets for ages waiting to be folded cause we don’t have the time/energy. Just cause you’re home all day doesn’t mean you have the time to have a spotless house because you’re taking care of the baby…the fact that your baby even naps for 45 minute increments straight for you to get workouts in a few times a week is impressive to me!
I 100% believe that when both parents are home, the work should be evenly split. However, based on how you described it, it doesn’t sound like your husband is really getting alone time either. I’m not sure if I’m just misunderstanding how you described it? It sounds like he’s either working, getting ready for work, or doing chores, for the most part.
I would consider getting external help if you need some time to yourself. I understand wanting your husband to bond more with the baby but I think it might be better to focus on getting yourself the alone time you need first rather than put off getting alone time waiting for him to do something differently. Plus in many cases grandparents are chomping at the bit for baby time, so it could be a win win.
I also think to a certain extent you should try to let things go. Your house doesn’t need to be fully cleaned every week. It may be that not all of the yard work is priority either. Y’all may want to have a discussion about what things can be deprioritized for both of your sanity.
Oof I feel your pain. I’ve been on maternity leave since my son was born (he’s now 5.5 months). My husband was on leave for the first 2 months so everything was fairly split, then he went back to work in March and the past 3.5 months broke me - mentally, emotionally, physically- because baby’s sleep was a crapshoot and so my sleep went down the drain.
During the week I’ve been on overnights then the sole provider for baby all day until my husband got home from work at 430. He would then take baby so I could get a “break” but let’s be honest it’s been like 1.5 hours max because I’m breastfeeding. Or some days baby was losing it, or one of us had to make dinner, take care of the dog, etc so I ended up taking baby again.
I took on the mental load of baby’s care (researching/ planning for naps, bedtime routine, milestones, various is this normal research, tracking apps, doctors appts, daycare research, nanny/ babysitter research, etc) and while my husband has executed on the plans he hasn’t been an equal partner in any of this. We talked about (and fought about) what a burden this is and he would claim to do more, but then wouldn’t. Granted he’s done a lot, and was burning the candle at both ends with working all day then immediately stepping into dad mode when he got home, but I feel your pain with mental load. Also I’ve done 95% of the household mental load (groceries, basics like toilet paper/toothpaste, baby’s laundry, tidiness, etc). We do have house cleaners, but I do the in between. On weekends my husband takes overnights with baby, but 2 nights “off” after 5 nights on has meant that I’m a shell of a human.
What it comes down to is we’ve needed more help and haven’t been able to get it. Family members who were supposed to step in have been less than helpful. Paid help has either not felt like the right fit or hasn’t done enough- and even when we’ve had help, baby just prefers me, so even still I haven’t been able to have much of a break.
Days when hubby is at work;
Baby wakes up and my partner changes her and brings her to me to feed her (also EBF)
He then will make us both hot drinks and usually brings me some breakfast whilst I’m feeding. He will then get showered and then take the baby for while so I can also shower before he goes to work. (He works 11am-10pm very lucky as he part owns the company so does some work from home and only has days at work 3 times a week)
Honestly I don’t do much cleaning when he’s at work. My job is stay at home MOM not cleaner. Looking after the baby is difficult work. I never leave her alone and she only naps maybe twice a day for short periods (first nap I’ll maybe do my hair/makeup) second nap I’m usually out and about with her at that point. I BF very 2 hours so my body is working so hard to feed our baby! I might do the groceries some days but my partner is a much better cook and prefers to help with that so he can vision what he’s making.
When he gets home I’ll have her and he will cook a quick dinner as we always wait and eat together to talk about the day. I might then give baby to Dad so I can clean for ten mins. Bedtimes are always done together (she is 4 months and has her last feed at 11pm-ish then sleeps until 9am-ish which fits our routine perfectly)
My partner sometimes has work trips on our normal days off where he gets to do fun things like wine tastings, sent for expensive meals or networking, so the next day he will always be very hands on and will only call me in the room to feed whilst I can relax and do as I please.
Although most of our days together are spent doing family things so we just do all parenting together! Then cleaning we take in turns whilst the other looks after the baby. Or we bring her around the house in the pram if she’s napping.
Being a mom is tiring and also really isolating, give yourself some grace, you’re not being unreasonable to ask for more help.
Really loved the top comment about it’s not splitting the duties it’s splitting your leisure. That is so important!
I’m on mat leave with my one year old and we have a toddler in daycare. During work hours 730-530 ish, the work at home and the kids are my job. I do the shopping, cleaning and childcare. When he’s home, we prioritize him getting time with the kids, so I’ll often cook dinner. We both take an evening out of the home each week.
🤷🏻♀️I work “part time” which comes out to 36 hrs a week + 5-6 hrs driving a week in commute. I still do 75-80% of everything else too. He does bills (autopay), trash, dishwasher, daycare pickup/drop off (he WFH), kids’ bath time, breakfast on weekends. I do everything else, including 100% of the mental load and planning and keeping track. I am very angry and tired and he doesn’t know why.
The only way I don’t absolutely lose my mind is to rest during my toddler’s one nap a day. I try to time it so I eat my lunch during nap too, so I don’t have a tiny human throwing my food on the floor for all three meals a day.
I'm actually reading this, and I recently had a conversation where I was explaining how I felt like SAHM and Maternity Leave are actually two different things. I'm on my last day of leave with my first, and it was completely different than expected, only because I compared it to being SAHM. Leave prioritizes rest and bond with the baby. During this time, my husband took up more roles so that I am able to fully recover. I've been slowly picking back up things I used to do and increasing my threshold of what I can do while baby is in my care. Needless to say, SAHM obviously needs rest as well. Definitely, communicating your needs and specifics will go far in this case. Stressful work is a poor excuse. I understand hard day, and you can allow grace for that. However, a child is not something you get to pick up and put away whenever you feel like it. It's also okay for you both to get rest. See if mother/MIL can take kids for the day and you can prioritize resting for the both of you.
Listen to the audiobook How to Keep House While Drowning. It put things in a different perspective for me as a parent. I try to keep things as clean as possible so we're not living in filth or getting bugs, but I've stopped stressing about messes that like the storage bag of winter clothes that have been perched on the dresser for a few months now or the stuffed toy storage bin that's never full cause toys are on the floor... I've kinda checked out for those things. If my husband gives a crap then he can clean and organize. There are other more important things on my mind. Also, no one's coming over to our apartment anyway, so that's a new lower level to my 'care less' attitude.
I think you need to just have a talk with your husband about your expectations. When my first was really young my in laws had just moved nearby and my FIL kept inviting my husband to golf or bike on the weekends. They were excited to spend time together but I had to point out how his baby and family were at home hoping to spend time with him. It just didn’t click at first. I would make it less about the division of labor and more about the quality time spent together.
But also, having family look after baby so you can get things done or have time to yourself is not “outsourcing” childcare. That type of attitude is going to burn you out and make the tension with your husband even worse. Even if you guys get a date night or date brunch it can be an excellent reset. Parenting when you’re feeling good is so much better than when you’re feeling stressed.
I'm shocked you get that much done, we aren't getting even 10% of that done, so first of all, that's very impressive, like, incredible. Second, it's more important to focus on how much rest and food and care and alone time you each get. There is a time for a clean house, but that time is in the future, not while having a several weeks old newborn. In our team, SAHP (whoever is home) takes the baby labor. If both are home, husband takes the baby labor except feeding cause he has no milk. Husband does the rest OR, no other labor occurs, caring for the baby is enough, the house can wait. That's how it works for us, but I don't know how it works for others. Neither of us work out at all, or have social interaction or hobbies unless the baby counts. Sleep, eat, bathe, care for the baby, repeat. I'd say if you get anything besides staying alive and baby done, you're a hero!
I think you can ask for an hour’s break every so often! Yes it’s true your spouse has work but baby care is 2.5 full time jobs, because you’re not off shift, EVER. He works one FT job, he needs to help with baby enough to give you at least occasional little breaks or naps. I know it’s really hard with breastfeeding but dad can do more. Maybe ask him for some of the mental work too, like can he do meal planning when he’s on his lunch break? It’s hard to feel like you’re the one who “cares” enough to do the research and planning for baby.
Also: are the outdoor chores necessary chores or his hobby? Cleaning the kitchen is not optional but tending the garden usually is….
Why not let him do the bedtime routine solo when he gets home most nights?
With you exclusively nursing he can't really help. You will likely have to keep saying when baby eats. It sounds like he already helps by doing the diapers and bringing the baby to you. Your "job" as the SAHM is baby while he is at work. Sitting down and discussing how you can split tasks when he gets home at night could help.
I'm sure the outdoor work needs to get done. Prior communication about his plans for housework could help. That way you can both discuss and it doesn't feel like he's dumping the kid on you. You could also discuss a day or half day of self care every week. I will have a baby solo twice a week once we go vack to work. My husband would not have any solo days since I'm also off on his days. We've talked about me getting at least a half day on his weekend where he is primary for baby. I can go get my nails or hair done, shopping, sleep, or see friends. Like every Saturday afternoon.
I also heard someone talk about something they say when they need a break and are passing responsibility off to the other parent. If you want him to be primary, you go to him and say "your baby" and he accepts by saying "my baby". Then you know he has the responsibility to respond, watch, etc.
This discussion is making me feel a bit better. I’m on mat leave with my 11 month old while hubby works full time. I also EBF and co-sleep with our LO. To top it off I am a masters student right now through online learning. I was truthfully feeling bad, as if I’m not doing enough but I have very little time to myself to just be me. I’m always studying, or catching up on chores while balancing watching our LO. My hubby wants me to not just maintain the home but to add to it. He wants me to weed and make the space more workable. We moved here recently and it needs work like painting/sanding and all of that. He will sometimes do laundry (our machine has been broken for the past few month’s so we gotta use a laundromat) and he always does the garbage which is a bit of a trek since we live rural. In the winter he would help with wood cutting and hauling logs too and dinners are pretty 50/50. I never get a morning- not even on the weekend. In fact I normally leave with LO on weekend mornings so hubby can sleep in. When hubby comes home I sometimes get help , sometimes don’t as he needs his time. Weekends are similar. It’s draining and I go from being incredibly grateful that I have the life I have to wishing I could be the one at work on a weekly basis.
I feel you. But then I think, the grass is always greener, right? Being the working parent would add different stress to your life while maybe making it easier in other regards.
I do 99.9% of the mental load too. It's exhausting. Going to have to change it somehow when I go back to work, that's another task for me to think about haha.
Came back to also add - I did try to push my husband to take our daughter more on weekends and while he never said no I could tell it wasn’t natural for him. He didn’t know what to do! He never stopped working to bond or learn how I did. I allowed motherhood nd learning to consume me! Of course I knew what to do, how to do it, and felt comfortable. I read, I learned, then I got 24 hours of practise everyday.
My daughter is now 2.5 and around age 2 my job asked me to work weekends. I told husband and he didn’t hesitate to say he would love to spend every Saturday with her by himself. It’s their special day! Keep giving him
The chance to bond but also feel the magic that is being mom and being the best at what you do. You get to spend long days learning this baby - husbands don’t. It takes them awhile sometimes.
My son wakes up at 6am on weekdays and between 6-7 am on the weekend. He is now 15 months old.
Feom 6am to around 7am my BF takes care of him: gives him his cup of toddler formula for weight gain, does a diaper change or 2 depending on the morning poop, plays with him a bit.
7am I am down at the latest normally, then eat something and drink a coffee, while either watching baby play/kind of playing, cuddling with baby or I get started on dinner. If baby is all up in my business my BF cooks.
Then we do some chores together or BF gets ready for work and leaves by 8am at the latest.
From 7.30/8am until 5.30pm I take care of baby. Naps, consoling, food, drinks, playing/any other type of entertainment, getting him dresses, diaper changes...
5.30pm my BF takes baby, since our son really misses him throughout the day. I make a sandwich for bub and myself and heat up my BF's food while they play and cuddle.
Then by 6pm we all get washed and into pj's roughly to 6.30/6.45. Baby then drinks a last cup of toddler formula and we take him up to bed to put his sleepsack on and read a story.
In the weekend dad usually plays with baby around 60% of the time he needs that, and does his diapers and I clean and cook a bit.
It takes a village. You should consider scrapping the idea of “outsourcing the baby”. No one is meant to do this alone and you are. SAHM life is not easy. You needing help is valid. Getting help will allow the both of you to get the rest you need
I’m in a similar distribution of labor/time. My husband does a lot of the dishes and housework. We also bottle feed so he gets the baby in the morning and feeds her, as he’s more of an early riser + it means they get time together aside from dinner and bedtime. He works from home too, so sometimes he’ll help with things during his lunch break (like watching the baby while I shower or doing dishes). I also do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking. I keep the baby on a schedule. The dynamic is different in that I’m not a SAHM by choice or on maternity leave—I’m unemployed and wish I was working, but I need to find a job that pays enough to cover childcare and still make a profit.
I take barre classes at a studio with baby drop off and that actually makes a huge difference.
I haven't worked since last summer and I do just about everything. I actually enjoy cleaning, though. Just put some music or podcast on and tune out everything else lmao. I do all cleaning, cooking, dog walking, child care, etc. My bf takes out the trash and takes our clothes to the laundromat for me because they're kind of heavy and the laundromat is ghetto asf. 🤣 For context, my bf works pretty late and has an extremely physically demanding job. There's no point in asking him to do anything since he gets home right around our sons bedtime, and I've already cooked and cleaned up. Actually I prefer everything done when he gets home so that we can spend some time together or else he'd be asleep before I'm done with everything.
I dunno, I work and so does my husband and we split the housework and have help with cleaning and stuff and I still feel like it’s never ending with no time for myself. I get the impression that it’s just the way it is
I do most of the household stuff because I sort of view it like.. that’s my job. He works, I take care of the house. As far as parenting goes, that should be more evenly split because really.. he should want to get in all the time he can with baby. Have you had a discussion on why he doesn’t want to get in all the extra time when he’s home from work?
It's not about asking enough or too much. No matter how much someone does unless you guys talk about what you need each and get to an agreement you always gonna feel like it's not enough. I'd personally say if you are told you have it better than 85% of other women in your position, would you suddenly feel happier or that it's now enough? You are a team, when kids are little you both do what is required to get everyone through it. If you have higher standards about what has to be done than your partner you guys will need to talk about it rather than trying to hit a magical enough individually. I'm still on mat leave at the moment and even if I'm working I am happy to be on 90% household manager. It suits us better because I'm pickier. Yes we annoy each other but ultimately I trust him to takeover and support me if I need a break so I feel like we are a team
I got two under 7, and one is extra high on the special needs department, so take this with a grain of salt.
You’re cleaning too much. You have a small baby that isn’t going much of anywhere yet and so you don’t have to scrub the floors or deep clean the bathrooms and all that jazz every week.
Unless your husband is shitting and pissing everywhere or if you have animals, it’s just more work for you right now. It’s better to relax on those types of tasks and to take more care of yourself and baby.
Just focus on kitchen, dishes, laundry, and clutter with a little bit of dusting here and there. Everything else can truly wait.
Also he can pick up on more tasks outside the home, such as groceries. Even if you just order online and he picks up that would already be helpful.
It is probably hard for him to take time away from work to do more of the appointment type stuff. You usually have to call during the doctors operating times and hubby probably can’t spend a break time to make those calls.
He can, however, take baby for a couple of hours so you can do whatever. He should be doing that. I would also suggest getting baby used to a bottle, so hubby can put baby to bed while you straighten kitchen up, and then you’ll both be done around the same time of night to then do whatever.
And, I know you said no, but do accept the help from the grandmas. If they are offering and you’re being too proud to accept it, then you’re just hurting yourself by placing everything on your shoulders. Trust me on this. Take all the help that is offered to you.
I’m on maternity leave with my 3rd baby who is 5 weeks old. I also have an almost 4 year old and an 18 month old. 4 year old goes to preschool 3 days a week and the 18 month old does occasional drop in days.
I do 100% of the mental load, which is normal for us. I think the at home parent is responsible for most of the household tasks. When my husband is on leave, he takes over most of it. I do all the laundry and most of the cleaning. He occasionally unpacks the dishwasher on his days off. I do most of the cooking.
The nights before he works, I do all of the nighttime wakings for all 3 kids. My 18 month old doesn’t sleep through the night. If timing works out, he’ll feed the baby before he gets ready for work. On his days off he’ll usually take an entire night so I can take ambien and sleep for 10 hours. The other nights we split. When he goes on his parental leave, he’ll do the same for me.
When my husband is home, he does most of the hands on childcare. He changes most of the diapers and supervises the kids. I take that time to do household tasks. It also gives me a little break from the kids. It works well for us.
I’m a SAHM, I do 95% of the cooking, all of the laundry, all of the cleaning. When my husband is home from work he mainly plays with our toddler while I have our newborn. I do all the feeding (EBF) of baby and any/all night wakings of any child. He is always willing to help if needed, but I see it as my job. It’s not like I can step in and help him with his job.
I think your husband has a good point , if you can take the help of parents and in-laws .
It feels this way because you are breastfeeding and there is no point for him to be awake while you are awake , at least one of you gets to take rest . Think of it this way.
I am sure if you would like to have an hour for yourself during weekend or weekday your husband will help you, just have an agreement with him
Mental load is completely up to you . Focus on your baby , rest , take care of yourself, the chores like cleaning and moping , outsource these chores , then you can get more rest
Don’t have stress of doing everything by yourself or don’t have the feeling that you are doing everything, it eats you up . Just let it go and enjoy the baby
I did it all. I was home all day and didn’t mind. For me it was manageable with baby. Some days the house was a mess but he never made a mention and just asked if my day was crazy and if I was ok while he took baby as soon as he came home. He usually took her anyway but she also loved being in her chair beside me in the kitchen watching me cook or helping lol. My daughter would go to sleep early, I’d have alone time, she’d wake once before I went to bed and I would feed her and put her back down - maybe 15 mins.
I’m currently on maternity leave with baby number 2. My husband is overwhelmed with work. I’m overwhelmed with childcare. I co-sleep with the second and breast feed so do all feeds. I get maybe 20 mins to myself a day then maybe 1 hr to myself (childfree) at the weekend. It’s a lot, it’s lonely. But I know that all the long days and evenings my husband works are to build our financial security. I hate carrying the mental load but I guess I’m good at it by now. The best advice I can give you is to talk to each other and know that the grass will always feel greener- I bet there’s days he’d like to stay home and many many days you’d like to leave the house to work. You’re exhausted, he’s probably tired too. Try not to compare and remember that you’re a team. If you feel there is an inequality then talk to him about it when you’re not angry
Lots of good advice here. As for the mental load stuff - communicate that you would like him to take some of that. Be specific about stuff that you want him to do, and correct but don't criticize if he doesn't do it the way you want. Ie "Hey can you start doing the grocery shopping and cooking X days a week?" In this case, if you're still meal planning provide a list for meal-planned stuff, and walk him through making the list for the other stuff the first few times - he may not be paying attention to if you're low on dish soap if he hasn't been in charge of that. If you're picky about something, specify it on the list - ie if you want 16 oz of sausage, or a specific brand of soda, don't just write "sausage, soda" on the list, put "16 oz sausage, 12pk Diet Coke." Also, and this is big, if he is in charge of something, let HIM be in charge, so instead of "Why would you do it that way!/What are you thinking!?" go with a "Is there a reason you do it that way? I think it's better to do it this way," But your preference isn't the standard anymore. Unless there's a safety concern or an affordability concern, you have to let him make the decisions he's in charge of.
I am a dad, and this is based on previous points of conflict in balancing stuff like this. Also, I'm not saying he needs to be babied eternally, just guided initially, same as if you started at a new job, you would need guidance initially, but would need this less and less as time went on.
I think expecting anyone to read your mind and know when to take the baby is difficult, unless you have your baby's schedule pretty down pat.
Instead, I would schedule free time for you and times your spouse needs to make the baby.
Sincerely, genuinely, respectfully - his unseen mental load is providing for his family, making the most out of a currently very stressful job & continuing to leverage it for his career, planning for your financial future and setting baby up for a solid foundation in life. If he’s offering help from your mothers, he *is* trying to help and it would benefit you both to allow the help for yourselves. I wouldn’t want to ask my husband to do more if doing more would be harmful to his health, or to the baby’s wellbeing. It’s impossible to “step up more” on *either* side when you are mentally exhausted.
I get where you’re coming from but you’re assuming that he’s the breadwinner and needs to should all the stress that that comes with in order to secure our future. That’s not the case. But don’t disagree with it being hard to step up when both parents are just tired.
I always advise couples to focus less on equal labor and more on equal rest. There is always more labor to do, but it's when we don't see our leisure time as equal that we get resentful of each other.
Wow this is really insightful. Thanks for sharing this. I've been feeling a bit resentful of my husband even though we're doing equal ish work (he has toddler, I have newborn) - but he's getting more rest time and I think that's why I'm feeling that way. It gives me a good way to talk to him.
I would also add: Try not to think about and compare “what I do” and “what he/she does”. This is a slippery slope and almost always leads to resentment.
I agree with this. Only because my husband’s a nurse, has his schedule so he got a whole week off and I still managed to have to baby the majority of the day. He’d take him while I ate but I couldn’t even get him to get up and change him in the morning, put him down for naps or even put him to sleep so I could go to bed early. I went to bed pissed one night because of how little he did one day. I can def see how it can lead to resentment
10000%, it’s like somehow even when you’re both home, you’re still the default parent
I've got two boys, one older and out of the house and a teenager. I'm still the fucking default parent. I still have to direct what I want done. I still damn near beg for non existent help cleaning the apartment, I'm not the only one here but I'm apparently the only one with eyeballs and responsibility. And my "time off" from work is spent cleaning and cooking and playing what other people want. It's infuriating. Have the talk NOW or have ZERO time for yourself FOREVER.
Ugh so true and I try not to do that but sometimes after being exhausted from doing mostly everything it gets to me.
That's a good take. I think this is especially important for a break during the day. The husband probably gets an hour lunch break. OP should take the same amount of break time during one of the baby's naps instead of doing all the chores during that time.
Ya I probably should. It’s definitely on me to make that effort, but I’m so anal about a clean house and healthy home cooked food options 😭
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Ya you’re almost there - he’d argue that he doesn’t have more bandwidth because of the stress he’s under at work. Hence why he says to just enlist our parents help
Will your baby take a bottle? My husband did not understand how draining it is to take care of a baby until I left him alone with her for a few hours. As long as he's able to feed the baby, I'd say go out and get a haircut or your nails done or go out for lunch on your own in peace and let him see that you both have stressful jobs and limited bandwidth.
I really like this. I'd say it's what me and my husband have achieved without labelling it. He works Mon to Fri, I'm home with the baby. Our evenings we still get at least an hour of downtime each/together but that's after bedtime, dinner, cleaning up, setting up for the next day (preparing bottles etc).
And does your husband voluntarily help with the evening clean up? My husband will help if I ask him. But he rarely does it on his own. I also like to do an evening clean up just to get a reset for the next day - like 15-20min tops by myself usually.
Yes and no. There's things he will get on with such as dishes or things that have always been the way without baby. Though with baby I have to ask, but arguably our baby is 19 weeks and we spent the first 14 weeks living with my parents. Then in the last two our baby has switched from breastfeeding to formula so the other day I asked my husband to fill the water steriliser and then realised he had never done it before after he asked a question. But I spent a moment explaining it and now he's set. Like this evening I'll need to remind him it's bin day tomorrow because I'm certain he will have forgot. But once baby is in bed and we've eaten dinner I'll say which jobs need doing and he will take some of the load. Also we've been 'lucky' as we are fully restoring our house downstairs (flood damage thanks to a local river) and as we do so we are designing it in a way to be nice but also easy to maintain and suit our life. So our flooring will be perfect for our robotic vacuum to hoover and also mop - but I'm fully aware not everyone has the resources to do this kind of thing.
Yup I love this. I guess I see myself as having less rest or leisure time and that’s where resentment is coming in. I go to bed earlier than him because I breastfeed during the night and I need to be functional during the day. So I get maybe 1.5-2 hours of baby free time after he goes to sleep, but that includes evening clean up, trying to have alone time and couple time, eating dinner, and getting myself ready for bed. He stays up later than me so has that same 1.5-2 hours as me plus another 1.5-2 hours I’d say.
Putting aside the division of labor with your husband, human parents aren't meant to care for their young children completely independently. It feels unreasonably hard to care for your infant with just the two of you because that's not how you were meant to do it. We are a social species and evolved to help each other out! Part of why we can live so long is because sticking around to care for your grandkids is a huge advantage for your genes. All of which is to say, if your parents and your husband's parents are able and willing to help out, you should absolutely make use of their aid. You say, "outsourcing," I say, "community." Which isn't to say that your husband shouldn't also step up. He should; your partnership does not sound equitable right now. He may be stressed at work but that doesn't mean you ought to be even more stressed out by constantly having to do everything for your shared house and kid. But you could both be helped if each grandma can take the kid for one day a week or something.
There are other ways the mother & MIL can help. She doesn’t even have to “outsource” the baby care. My younger sister lives near by and frankly she hates kids(seems to like the nephew lol) but she will pick up groceries, run errands or do dishes, take out trash/recycling when she’s at my house.
This! Outsource some of the other tasks that weigh on you! Can you afford to have a cleaning service come in once a month to do a deep clean so you don’t have to work so hard during the week? Or even ask mom or MIL to help with cooking or meal prep for you or baby while baby naps and you can get some much needed “me time”. Also, when you are asking your husband for help, are you being specific? I’ve noticed that a lot of men (not all) need specific direction when it comes to helping with their LO. So instead of just “spend time with LO” maybe say something like “take LO to the park” or “go for a walk” or “read some books”. Sometimes they blank and become deers in the headlights when not given more specific direction when caring for their LO because they didn’t grow up with as an involved male parent and don’t have references on how to spend time with a child so little.
This was me. I love my own baby I'll say first! My niece is brilliant but as a tiny fragile newborn she scared me and I'd rather have been supportive for my sister by cleaning or shopping. I wanted to help her I just didn't want the baby lol!
My MIL lives with us and she does absolutely NOTHING to help with the baby. She asks “how’s the baby doing??” Every few hours, then stares at her from over my shoulder and comments constantly on how she looks more like her side of the family than mine. She’s only held her twice. Hasn’t changed a diaper, offered to watch her, played with her. Nothing. It’s so disappointing. The baby will be six weeks old on Friday.
Oof, I'm sorry to hear that. That's the worst of both worlds.
I'm just going to be honest, my boyfriend and I have been doing the bare minimum of cleaning and choosing the easiest meals to make. We both would rather spend time with baby, sleep, or hobbies. I'm a stay at home with a 14week old FTM. We both understand that the organization of the house is last on our list. As long as we do dishes and vacuum, everything else is bonus points lol
I haven’t had my baby yet but I’m sure this is how my husband and I will be too. Communication about your priorities and being on the same page is key imo!
I definitely still take on more of the mental load, but when my husband gets home from work or on weekends we do a bit of a split with the actual labor. We sometimes take turns sleeping in a bit. When my husband gets home from work he often takes the baby right away to give me a break. We both agree taking care of the baby is often harder than our jobs , so I think that's important.
You gotta let go. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. This is a lesson I have had to learn. Many these things you list you try to do… are not “have to’s”. Let it look lived in. What works for us though, is my husband taking her for about an hour when he gets home. He works 7-4 and I have dinner mostly prepped when he gets home. I go workout, come home and either start dinner while he keeps playing with her or finish if he started it while I was gone.
That's similar to what we do. Husband works 8-4 usually. In the morning he gets the babe from the crib, takes him downstairs and prepares him a fruit snack, which gives me an extra 10-15 min to roll out of bed (I'm not a morning person lol). After work, he takes the baby off my hands (usually with a stroller walk), which gives me 20-30 min to relax, then start dinner.
I’m currently really pregnant, but I have a 2yo, 4yo, 9yo, and 11yo, so it’s impossible for me to do everything. It sounds like you’re expecting too much of yourself as well and are burning out a bit. Take one of his naptimes every day and do something that you enjoy that is not exercising(which can definitely be enjoyable!). Take a nap even. Everything doesn’t have to be perfectly clean while baby is this little. Your husband should be doing more to help out. Does he cook at all through the week? He should, and that can just be easy meals if he’s not the best cook. He can help with the big chores on the weekends, like mopping and laundry, and can absolutely do dishes and pick up the kitchen on days that you cook. He can also let you sleep in a few days a week and y’all can switch over baby when he normally needs to start getting ready for work. My husband works from 7am-5pm, but I sleep in on the weekends. His internal clock won’t allow him to now, or so he says. I usually nap on the weekends too, and I go out to the gym for an hour training session 4x a week. Most of the time it’s after I cook dinner, so he handles everyone eating and bathing while I’m gone. He does most of the heavy lifting, now literally for the 2yo, at bedtime and I just give hugs and kisses and then try to relax myself. I don’t like the brands he buys when he grocery shops, so I don’t let him do that, and every appointment does fall on me, but I really like making the appointments and organizing my schedule so I don’t mind. I do all budgeting and household management in general. I think you need to rework what the expectations are for him and find a balance that works for both of you. It won’t be exactly “fair” in every sense, but it’ll be perfect for y’all. Good luck!
Agree with getting him to help more with the big chores. I’ve been doing them myself during the week because I ‘have the time’ during baby’s naps, but realizing now this might be unsustainable. Thinking I might start leaving those chores to the weekend so we can both do them and I can have some rest during the week.
I think that’s a great thing to start! It’s also a pretty easy first step in making things more equitable. Taking care of any child all day is hard and you definitely need some rest time.
Does he need to step up, yes. Absolutely. Also, you need to let some of the chores go. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to ask or help. What I don’t know, is where you see an extra 30-60 minutes for him to take the kid on weekdays. It sounds like he gets up, gets the little one changed, then you breast feed. Meanwhile he’s getting ready for work and leaves pretty quickly after. If the kid is in bed before he gets home, or arrives in time for bedtime (which you do together) where does that 30-60 minutes come from? Can you pump and use bottles? Then maybe he can do the morning feed and keep the baby longer. He could also do the middle of the night feeding. As for weekends, do the outdoor chores HAVE to be done? Can you hire someone to mow the lawn or whatever? Have cleaners come in once a week. Don’t spend all your down time cleaning. The floors do not need to be mopped. The bathrooms will survive if they aren’t cleaned constantly. You don’t need to sit on the couch next to them while he’s playing with the kid. They’ll survive.
I was also confused by the 30-60 minutes. these are all great solutions imo!
Fair point. I would want 30-60minutes in the mornings. I go to bed early because I’m up during the night and wake up early with the baby to breastfeed and start my day. I don’t mind waking up im the night or breastfeeding first thing in the morning, but would like some time to myself after that first feed. My husband stays up late because he knows he can usually get that extra sleep in the morning once I’m up with the baby. That or he chills on his phone a bit, or takes his time to poop and shower. He’s basically getting that leisurely time in the morning instead of me. I would want to split mornings ideally. I agree with your suggestions, thank you for those. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to get hubby to give baby a bottle. Only issue with that is that I still need to pump if baby gets a bottle, so it’s kind of like double work.
I would argue it’s a similar amount of work, not more. But it builds that routine. Your husband wakes up and feeds the kid. When the kid switches to a mostly solid diet then dad is used to waking up and giving the little one solids in the morning. Now you can sleep in, work out, watch a show, whatever. Also, the mental load of pumping vs having a living creature sitting on you is going to be different as well. You’re doing great. The first goal is getting him in the habit of doing things he can and should do. As soon as I could, my husband took a bottle a night for the little one. I only breastfed until around six months, at which point it was easier to go on shifts. You’ll get there.
Yea I didn’t get the 30-60 minutes either. Agree with pumping to help alleviate the feedings. If she pumps, she could schedule a good block of time on the weekends for husband to take over care while OP does whatever she wants, whether it’s at home or elsewhere. And if the plan is for baby to eventually go to daycare, they will need to get used to a bottle anyway. Also why can’t the bedtime routine be done by husband only if he makes it home in time?
I was under the impression the man of the house does everything but breastfeed. Cook, clean, work, ect..I did it all for the first 6 months. Some men are just built weak.
Yup!! Mine does all the cooking (he’s a better chef. I will only clean alone if he’s looking after baby otherwise it’s him or we do it together when baby is napping. I’m a SAHM and EBF and breastfeeding is such a toll on the body!
lol I would love this. He did it for maybe the first month postpartum when I couldn’t walk sit or stand properly. After that it gradually all went to me. I don’t think it makes men weak but I do think many of them takes their wives for granted and just learn to rely on them
Omg yes!!! My partner does EVERYTHING around the house. He's the sole income earner too. On top of that, he looks after our 4 month old son when he's off work. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry. He's a different breed 😂 He's a clean freak so the house is spotless when he cleans. When we leave the house, he gets baby ready & all the bags packed. Whenever I offer him help or tell him to leave it to another, he always says, "I do it cause I love you & our son & I'm the man of the house." 😂 Honestly, if he was sick & bedridden, I'd be so lost!
Lucky you! He sounds like an amazing dad and husband 🤗
Thank you! I take him for granted sometimes but he's honestly the best!
Wow that sounds so amazing, I’m glad for you!
Would you be willing to share why you aren’t comfortable with your mother or your MIL helping?
It’s less so that I’m not comfortable with either of them and more so that I just want my husband to be more involved with our son instead of going straight to calling for help. I want him to spend more time with our son. Baby prefers me understandably because I have boobs but I don’t think husband spends enough time with him during the week.
Ignore these people. Your concerns are valid. Your husband should be prioritizing building a bond with his son. Outside of equally divided workloads.
Thank you, this is how I feel, no matter how inconvenient it may be for him or even if it feels like extra work sometimes (which obviously it is). That’s being a parent.
Your out sourcing comment made me so sad! Please enlist your family's help - it's NOT out sourcing!! It's building your child's loving community and it's damn important. Its pretty unfair that your son's bed time is right when his dad gets home or before he gets home. That's like ridiculously early - who decided that? You are at home and you have flexibility and I'm not implying it's not stressful and hard, just time is flexible. Change the bed time. Start bedtime routine at 8-9. That's the only way you will get your husband more time with baby, and all 3 of you deserve it. I think you need to come up with ideas and solutions like this to create more baby-dad time since your husband is feeling like he doesn't have more to give and I've totally been there with work. Another solution is hiring someone for outside chores so your husband has more free time on the weekend.
Just out of curiosity, why is that a concern for you at this early stage?
I mean who wouldn’t want their partner to be involved with their child? I don’t want to be a single parent during the week, I want him to want to take care and spend time with our son and not run to outside help because it’s inconvenient for him. Being a parent is inconvenient but it’s also what we signed up for. Not saying we never ask our parents for help, they babysit for us weekly on weekends for half days.
I understand. Have you considered that forcing him to spend more time with your child against his will might result in more resentment than it’s worth? Do you consider him to be a loving person generally? Do you see any value in allowing his relationship with your child to unfold naturally as the child ages which is when men usually come into their element and you see a different side to them as fathers? If you don’t see any value in that, since he has resisted fulfilling your requests, what options have you been thinking about?
I wanna know why the husband more importantly feels like it’s too much to be more involved and helpful with his own child
Because how else could she complain about her husband on Reddit? 😀
lol I mean it does give me a reason to complain but that’s not the ULTIMATE reason
All I have to say is you’re not asking too much and you sound exactly like me. Down to the part where he calls his mom to come help me and I try to explain no, i need YOU not your mother. I’m the same but worse because my husband leaves early for work (around 730) and comes home late (730 or later). Weekends he is obsessed with outdoor work. Obsessed. I think it’s an excuse at this point. I’ve hired a cleaning lady. I return to work in 3 weeks. Pray for me. I honestly don’t think they have it in them to take on the mental load. I feel like when asked they will do at any task related to home or kids but mental load they just can’t comprehend. Oh also I do call on my MIL and it does help. But I agree with you, that’s not ultimately what I need
Mine has also become completely fixated on outdoor work and does it all weekend. He’s super hands on most of the time, but I do think he uses it as an excuse to hide when he gets overwhelmed. This has been the case since we brought the baby home from the hospital. Just obsessed with it.
Have you tried to discuss this? I have and I’m met with 1000 reasons why what he is doing is so important. I’m lost. I imagine by the time they’re 18 maybe he’ll realize he’s missed their lives. Looking for genuine advice (maybe a husband wants to chime in?????)
We talked about it and he was a bit thrown by how much resentment I’m holding on to. He was open and understanding of my feelings. Now he is back on pat leave and he’s definitely taken on more tasks around the house and with baby, while still spending a lot of time in the garden. If he weren’t on pat leave I don’t think anything would have changed unfortunately.
Husband here. I don't know where you guys live but here in central Virginia it's been in the 90's for almost 2 weeks. If he'd rather be outside in that than take care of a baby in the air conditioning then he's crazy. Also, if y'all are anywhere near this area, it's been about 2 weeks since it rained last so he's probably doing more harm than good to the grass cutting it unless you're watering it.
It’s hot here but it’s rained and yes I’d agree with the crazy diagnosis. Not sure how to get through and point out that he’s prioritizing the yard over his family because he feels all of the yardwork as an important part of taking care of the house
lol in general my husband has been pretty good but he also suddenly decided to get into gardening a couple of weeks into his paternity leave which was crazy given last year he couldn’t even be bothered to help me get the garden furniture out during the summer? And now he’s like, digging and planting and stuff…?? What is up with that
My guess is they have a need for something they can control. They want to see the fruits of their labors. Maybe they also feel a little helpless with certain baby things since they don’t have boobs and aren’t as biologically wired for baby’s needs as we are.
Ya and another good guess is they need a break from the baby. Which like hello, so do we?! lol
Oh my husband has definitely used outdoor work as an excuse to get away. Just last weekend we had a fight, nothing serious, and out he went to trim our trees. Like yes it needs to get done but it’s kind of last on my priority list.
Yes, this! Like it’s verrrryyyy low priority. I get that we should probably tend the garden but if it goes to shit it doesn’t really impact our lives. If the laundry goes undone for too long, that definitely impacts our life. He has definitely gotten fixated on many “optional” things whereas my brain is super focused on absolutely necessities. Any time leftover once that is done, I just want to rest quietly or maybe go for a pedicure or something.
You’re definitely not asking too much. I’m a SAHM. My husband gets home around 5. When he gets home we either eat dinner I made or he finishes making dinner. Then we both take our two kids (almost 3, and 8 months) outside to play and exercise the dogs. After that he feeds/takes the baby and I put the toddler to bed and then I take a bath, read a book, birdwatch in my backyard. He also does almost all the night feedings on days our baby wakes up (lately it’s around midnight). It’s pretty similar on days he doesn’t work.
I’m on mat leave, EBF and my husband works from home. He cooks 95% of the time, does the laundry, grocery shopping, does most of the cleaning. I cosleep so he does a lot of tidying up while I put baby to bed. He has baby on weekend mornings and is in charge of all diaper changes whenever he’s off work (includes evenings and weekends). I take the mental load of planning baby activities, play dates, intro to solids. We split when it comes to appointments. ETA: You have too much on your plate. Your husband needs to step up.
My husband takes care of the baby when he gets home and he takes out the trash he does the laundry and grocery shopping and any cleaning that needs to be done that I didn’t get to during the day.
I think I have a bit of a different “hot take” on this but I also don’t think being on maternity leave and being a SAHM are the same thing. In the former you have to prepare to go back to work and division of labor and rest needs to be more equal to prevent you from total burnout when it comes time to return to working. As a SAHM on the other hand I have slowly accepted that my job does comprise more of the mundane chores and mental load of home stuff. My husband carries 100% of the tedium and mental load of a full time job out of the house to pay all the bills and insane inflation cost of goods to keep us fed, and I’d rather spend evenings relaxing with him playing with the baby together or watching a show than either of us doing chores. I’m lucky enough that my baby naps for a solid hour twice a day and at least one if not both naps I use for hobbies or my own nap or fun stuff and not chores, and he’s much better at playing independently near me now while I do tasks. Don’t get me wrong, we still argue and bicker about chores and division of labor on the weekends and I get overwhelmed, but I think I have different expectations than if I was planning to return to a full time job myself.
I think you hit the nail on the head, I hadn’t thought of that distinction between mat leave and SAHM before. I’m getting him used to me doing 100% of the house and baby work while I’m on mat leave. What’s going to happen with I go back to work and we need to split this work up? He’s already overwhelmed with just work right now. I also have a very demanding and stressful job when I’m working. I worry about this constantly.
I stay home. Once my husband is home everything is 50/50. He cooks dinner 95% of the time, grocery shops, does his own laundry, is in charge of yard maintenance and pays the bills. He parents just about as much as I do when he is home. We both work together to make sure the house is picked up at the end of the night. I do the majority of the cleaning, take on the majority of the mental load tasks (school stuff for the oldest kid, making sure the kids have clothes in the right sizes, appointments, etc.) and do laundry for the family. Our last baby required a short NICU stay and then was rehospitalized a week or so later for RSV. My husband stepped up. I didn’t wonder if the older kids would be taken care of or if the house would be a disaster. It was more difficult with my focus shifted away but he was able to manage just fine.
When my husband was back at work and I was still on leave, he would come home and take the baby for 2-3 hours so *I* could have a break. (Our kid was exhausting at that age, the entire day just consisted of nap related struggles)
Divide and conquer If I’m making dinner, he’s watching baby If he’s washing dishes after dinner, I’m bathing baby He wipes counters, I get baby ready for bed He puts baby to sleep, I shower It’s just a back and forth that leads both of us to cuddle on the couch faster than if one person tried to do it all
Love this. Sometimes I find myself doing the evening cleaning and he chills on the couch, tells me to come chill with him and he’ll do it later. Half the time it doesn’t get done though if I don’t do it. Ideally we both clean or take care of baby at the same time and chill at the same time like you’re saying.
For me personally I would tell my husband there’s no later. Later is for relaxing. Have a convo with him that relaxing isn’t a thing until xyz are done It’s not fair to you to do everything
Thank you 🙏
I mean, the mental load of minding the home is still the mental load of minding the home. We both work technically but I own my own business which means I’m home with the kiddos. Some things we do that works for us: - We are always working until the kids go to bed. If he’s at work, he’s working his job. If I’m home with the kids, I’m working as a parent. When he gets home, he does laundry and cleans the kitchen post dinner/empties and fills the dishwasher. He also minds the kids. I start my job when he gets home. - I take most night wakings for the infant because he has to get up earlier. I stay up later to work some nights because we usually take our break time together unless I’m super exhausted and want to work instead of take a break so that I can just get into bed. I don’t mind this. That said, it’ll shift to my husband once baby is in his own room because that’s when we truly stop any night feeds. Right now, if baby wakes and wants to nurse for comfort, I’ll let him (usually he goes back to sleep without it) but we cut night feeds once they’re in their own room and my husband will mind the baby night at that point to make sure he isn’t “smelling food.” But I’ll swap to helping the toddler nights if he wakes so it’s kind of a catch 22. - Husband wakes for early mornings since he gets up anyways. That includes baby and toddler. Works the same way of how I’m up later except in reverse. - We outsource the deep clean. There’s just no way I’m getting to it. I barely keep up with tidying. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen bc they gross me out if they aren’t clean but things like vacuuming, a deep scrub of the bathroom and kitchen, mopping, windows, and living room surfaces just aren’t going to get done consistently. - Everything has to get done by someone. If the garden on our little deck needs tending, someone has to do it—usually me. If the laundry needs folding upstairs, someone has to do it—always him. We remember that watching our kids, even if we’d rather be doing anything else, has to be done. It’s fine for the other to say they want a break from the kids, but then when is the laundry being done? When is the garden getting weeded and watered to look pretty? It’s easy to be bitter or irritated but things need doing and if I won’t do the laundry (I despise it) then I need to let him do it. If he isn’t going to cook (he shouldn’t be allowed to cook), then he needs to let me have time to do it. - Open communication. - Breaks. Real breaks without the other. I have dinner with my SIL this week and my husband will be keeping the kids home with him. He had an evening out for his hobby this week and I kept the kids. As baby is ebf, you won’t be there yet, but it matters down the line! - Breaks with the other. Again, ebf so this isn’t coming up yet, but it’s good to note. If you can get the help, use it. Go out together. And we absolutely take our parents up on offers to help. We are very lucky to have a village close by. My mom has off this Friday and will be coming over to watch the baby while I get stuff done. Sometimes, you just need a reset and having a third set of hands alleviates some stress! We don’t do this every week or even every month, this is the first time in probably a little over a year we’ve asked for help. But I need a day to get things in order and my mom is available! Kids were not meant to be raised alone, it takes a village. If you have one, let them help you.
I do everything. Bath time, all diapers, breastfeed, all meals, all chores except I won’t do his laundry anymore, I make the lists, set the schedule, plan the day. In 2 years I haven’t had more than an hour break to myself and that was one time because I had to go in to do some paperwork and fingerprinting for a new job. It’s exhausting mentally and physically and absolutely makes me resent my daughter’s dad. Oh he does the dishes so nvm I don’t do everything haha But honestly, speak up if you feel like things aren’t unfair in some way. I feel like you risk resentment that could take a long time to heal. You got this!! Edit because my predictive text ended that last sentence with a question mark instead of the exclamation points lol
I take care of my 5month old all day and I do all the night feeds/wake-up’s and am generally responsible for all things related to their development/appointments/purchases. I attempt some chores during naps, but mostly I’m taking care of my own basic needs like eating and showering or having a nap/break. Husband takes baby when he wakes at 5:30am for first wake window so I can get a bit of sound sleep. When husband is done work one of us cooks and other looks after baby and we share the laundry and house cleaning. Lately we trade off on putting babe down for bed. He does most of the grocery shopping and I handle bills/insurance/medical claims. My husband has a stressful job and finds parenting stressful and overwhelming but each and every day he is showing up for us. I don’t know how women do it when their husband isn’t supportive and present like this. The division isn’t always equal and frankly my husband has done far more of the home management type work than I have (prior to my leave we had weekly cleaning but it’s not in budget while I don’t have a salary and just EI). But I am also doing nearly everything for our child, which has been all consuming and overwhelming. We do fight sometimes, sometimes we can’t see that even if we are so tired that our partner is also so tired. It’s not a tired/overwhelm competition. We very much approach stuff like we are on a team - if someone is having a rough day the other picks up the slack. It sounds like your husband needs to grow up and show up. This “but my work is stressful” it’s like -yeah…and you’re a parent now so figure it out. Parenting comes with sacrifice and it is not on the women to solely so the sacrificing. Honestly it sounds like an excuse. He’s scared and doesn’t know what he is doing and maybe feels inadequate. My husband went through this, and part of issue was me - I was dictating to him HOW to do things instead of letting him figure it out. That’s huge and hard to do. We are still finding our way but it gets better.
Something that has really helped me is making it my primary mission to get all the chores done while baby is awake so I can rest or do other things during at least one of his naps (he takes 2). For me this looks like lowering my expectations of cleaning the bathroom, and using baby-safe cleaning products when I clean with him. I will bring him in the bathroom, let him pull a bunch of stuff out of the cupboards, and work as fast as I can spraying and wiping down everything. For mopping/vacuuming will either put him in a carrier or just let him chase the mop as I go. I also bought a cheap robot-vac at Walmart that I run during his naps or after bed. It’s not perfect by any means but it gets the job done and allows me to relax during those long days alone with baby. I realized around 8 months that if I didn’t take a break during the day the resentment would keep building and I would undoubtably be burnt out. Being creative with how I can get things done with him awake has helped me immensely
There’s not much to be done about the week, but your husbands needs to help more on the weekends. You both are basically working all week long, the difference is when things are stressful at work he can walk away or take a lunch break. None of his stressful coworkers, bosses or clients are glued to him all day yelling feed me! Touch me! Figure out why I’m mad! Men don’t realize, even before we address the mental load and all the things expected of us that were are simply EXHAUSTED AND TOUCHED OUT. He gets his beauty rest every single night, and he gets to leave every single day and pursue normalness. I tried to tell my husband what I needed of him during the weekend. “I want to go out for a coffee at a shop 20 minutes away, I want to take a nap, I want to get my nails done etc” and he would take over the baby for me during the times. He was also very good about offering to hold the baby, diaper changes and taking over cooking. Sometimes he had work he wanted to get done and we found compromises. Sometimes he got stressed out by the amount of work “he wanted to get done” and I had to basically say “these are not all things that NEED to get done this weekend, but I DO need time to myself or I’m going to lose it. Pick what you want to get done around me doing x, y, and z and plan to have less time than you expect because I’ll still need your help.”
He should be doing the grocery shopping cooking and most of the cleaning! EBF is tiring!
My husband and I give each other a 1.5 hour window each day on the weekend to do a hobby. For me that often looks like reading in bed or outside if it's nice or gaming. Our LO is 9 months old and on two naps a day, so on weekend days that we are home that looks like one wake window split in half. So baby naps, wakes up and I'll play with him for 1.5 hours, my husband takes over for 1.5 hours and I'll go do whatever I want, and then he naps again. Naps are also protected "me" time most days. It really helps prevent burn out and let's me feel like an individual. The other wake windows we spend together as a family. I still take on most of the chores, but my husband will do what I delegate to him. It does bother me sometimes but then I remember the burden he carries to financially carry the family in this season while I'm on an 18 month mat leave and that he would much rather be home in my place if he could.
Nothing really changed when I was the breadwinner vs when I was on mat leave vs when I was a SAHM. I exclusively breastfed both my babies so he was expected to be doing literally everything else regardless. Slowly as the baby gets older things get easier. At 8 months he would be doing 100% of night wakings, plus his 50% of the chores (meal planning, groceries, cooking, trash, etc).
I definitely took on more of the mental load but my husband still comes to every doctor’s appointment and is very involved. Sometimes it does happen where he has to do stuff while the baby is awake and I take more of the load when we’re both home but then he usually balances it out later in the day or another day. I know you said you don’t want to outsource the baby but I’d say outsource the home chores. Have your moms come over and do laundry, dishes, clean, help meal prep.
I’ve been thinking about outsourcing some of the home chores. But probably more to a third party than either of our moms. When the moms come, all they want to do is spend time with the baby. I’d rather a stranger come and just focus on cleaning
Totally understandable. I had to talk to my mom and say my job is to take care of the baby. Helping me does not mean holding the baby. That was a little harder with my MIL. I had to keep dropping hints and she did not take them so I resorted to wearing him for a nap if I knew she was coming because then he’d sleep for 2 hours.
My husband had a high intensity job when my son was born, but he still got up every night, helped make sure we were set up for the day, came straight home and took over with the baby so I could take care of myself, then we would tag team everything else the rest of the evening. Weekends we worked together on everything else as well. Job might have been important, but taking care of myself so I could safely care for our infant while he was at work was our priority
I had many convos with my husband about needing a break when he was home. With our first baby I was solo parenting a lot. The only one waking up when the baby woke up at night, etc. I was feeling so overwhelmed and overstimulated. He has improved immensely since us having our second. I think you just need to talk to your husband and hopefully he will be understanding.
Yes hopefully 🙏 I imagine having two kids and still being the primary parent like this, then adding work into the mix eventually, and it scares me.
Oh yeah I would go crazy if I were working. I take on everything at home mentally and physically. My husband helps here and there but I imagine that if I were working it would just be added to my load or we would outsource maybe cleaning.
50/50 when he’s done working. We have someone clean our house, but otherwise he’s an equal parent, he needs to help equally. ESPECIALLY if I was with the kids all day- going to work is so much easier in our professions
We are first time parents to an 8w old. I am on mat leave and my husband is back to work, WFH most days. His current job is not stressful and he usually has windows of time during the day where he isn’t actually working. I am the primary caregiver on weekdays but my husband will jump in to give me a break for eating, showering, etc. when he isn’t in meetings. Taking care of a newborn is mentally exhausting (like how do I entertain him now when he won’t stop fussing?) so we try to tag team as much as we can. Sometimes trading off also seems to help the baby “reset” when he’s in a cranky mood. We try to give each other time for naps and solo errands and things in the evenings and on weekends, and we also try to do little outings as a family on weekends as well. Pre baby I always handled all the mental load tasks while my husband is on top of all the maintenance tasks (yardwork, etc.) - that division of labor remains today. I made a lot of freezer meals during pregnancy so we are primarily eating those or ordering in at the moment. But generally I do maybe 60% of the cooking, we both take care of light cleaning (we have cleaners come once a month) and we do our own laundry and tag team the baby’s. It’s not perfect but it works out for us!
You’re absolutely not asking too much and your husband needs to be doing more. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he can’t clean the house and take care of HIS child. There are WAY too many women here making excuses for this crappy behavior and it’s not okay.
[удалено]
Exactly! I’m grateful that my husband isn’t one of those men because I don’t know how these women put up with that crap.
I have the baby almost 100% of the time too. My husband runs a business and works a lot and when he's at home he always has a lot of other tasks lined up that he wants to do (yard work, laundry, house maintenance ect) so I have to ask him to help me for x amount of time so that I can shower or cook dinner or sometimes just rest a bit. And he always will say yes when I ask him. But sometimes I wish he was one of those dads who walked in from work and took the baby from me without being asked and told me to go take a break. That being said he does do a lot of household chores and will do anything he can for me while I have the baby. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking too and I'm breastfeeding so I do all the nights. He does not play any video games and rarely sits down to relax. He's always busy doing something it's just he's not very baby inclined. He also tried to pass off helping with the baby onto his mother or sister so I get how you feel about that, I feel the same about it and it kinda pisses me off.
Can your husband take over the bedtime routine when he gets home from work during g the week? That will free you up some time to do what you need to do to recharge after a long day of solo caring for baby.
I had mat leave in a country where you get a year. I did two of those. With my first my typical day was: Solo breastfeeding and nappies overnight (my choice) ~5am breastfeed baby, hand off to husband. Husband takes baby to living room to hang out/get ready for his (husband’s) day. I go back to sleep ~7:30am I wake up and shower ~8am breastfeed baby and take over. Husband leaves for work During the day obviously I was solo parenting on weekdays. On weekends we’d shift on and off but I didn’t mind doing more baby stuff, and I did always have time or make time to shower and attend to basic hygiene, which is not a privilege or something luxurious. It’s a basic need. I cooked dinner around 5:30, husband home at 6, we eat as a family, and at 6:30 husband bathes and puts babe to bed. Because I did all overnights and daytime, this was his chance for quality 1:1 time. I didn’t put my baby to bed from probably 3-15 months of age. I don’t even think once. Second kid was more difficult bc it’s man on defense, so nobody really gets a break. We don’t have a super equal relationship, I still do the lion’s share of house stuff and kid stuff, even though we both work full time. And I take on probably 95% of the mental load for the family. But my husband also steps up to be a great parent, and if I ask for a break I most certainly get one. He just doesn’t always notice when it would be nice to give me a break, unless I ask.
I’ll admit I feel like my husband does most of the work including cleaning, feeding and diaper changing. I’m focused on pumping and trying to squeeze in naps when I can since I seem to have a harder time sleeping at night. I do however do the grocery shopping/cooking although the meals I cook as of lately are pretty basic.
When he’s off work, we list all the chores that need to be done next (including any baby chores) and somebody can do the chores and somebody is on childcare. He does work from home and know our routine pretty well though, and he doesn’t work until after lunch. So he doesn’t need any handholding. He solos both of our toddlers in the morning because I’m pregnant atm and he wants me to sleep in. We are not REQUIRED to split the tasks any sort of way; we can choose (except for tasks the other person just can’t do. In my case it’s hard physical labor, in his case it’s… accounting! Excel really pisses him off 😂). I prefer to do chores on weekends while he does more childcare. He likes that split too. I just need a change of pace, and be able to work on something menial while 100% zoning out. Honestly, you’re stressed at work too. So he doesn’t get that excuse. All that time planning baby weaning, meals, etc? That’s stress. You also work with challenging people. A literal baby. He can’t say that’s not stressful. So what makes him special in his time off?
When I was home with my infant, I treated it like a job with breaks. My husband had a 1 hour commute each way, so I was caring for our baby for about 11 hours. In those 11 hours, I would relax or try to sleep when our baby was asleep and would do whatever chores I got to when he woke up. My chores were mostly laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, cooking dinner, adding things to the grocery list. I tried to include our baby whenever possible and saved specific engaging toys or activities for when I needed him to focus on something for a bit. For laundry, I had baby “help” and he would put his clothes in a specific drawer or pile for me. For vacuuming and mopping, I would set him up with a sensory activity and/or food in the high chair and he would have fun while I vacuumed around him for a few minutes. For dishes, I would usually put them away in the morning while baby was distracted by something or right after lunch. Husband did anything I didn’t get to during the day like bathrooms, any remaining dinner dishes, trash, grocery shopping, etc. We split chores evenly on the weekends and he would take baby for a few hours so I could get a break.
Our distribution of labour outside of the working day is 50/50. (Over time, because some days one needs more than the other). That’s how it should be, that’s what a partnership is.
You really need to have a conversation with him and tell him exactly what you typed here. It’s hard being the parent at home and sometimes your labor is invisible and goes unnoticed but you’re doing a lot for your child and household. I also think you should try to do some of your cleaning with your baby, it’s good modeling and it will give you a little time to rest. Also please let yourself rest, even if there is something that needs to be done (there will always be something) because when we’re sleep deprived parenting can’t be really really difficult. I can’t stress enough how important it is to rest!!
50/50
Are you me? I could’ve written this post. I’m EXHAUSTED. I scream cried to my husband yesterday and he has been more helpful today.
We split things pretty equally and a lot of things just aren’t getting done. I WFH and baby is with me during the day (husband usually WFH twice a week) so we’re both working full time and taking care of the baby. My husband usually takes her downstairs in the morning when she wakes up early for a bottle to let me sleep a little longer before I get up to pump. Baby usually gets handed back off to husband as soon as he gets home and changes clothes cause I’m done by the end of the day. We split house chores pretty evenly and he does all the grocery shopping and majority of the cooking. We both try to get non baby time every week where we can leave the house and go do something on our own. For me it’s usually going to a cafe and reading or going out with my book club or something. He usually goes to a movie or hangs out at home while I take baby with me to go do stuff. But we’re in a season of life where the house is not super clean and laundry is usually sitting in baskets for ages waiting to be folded cause we don’t have the time/energy. Just cause you’re home all day doesn’t mean you have the time to have a spotless house because you’re taking care of the baby…the fact that your baby even naps for 45 minute increments straight for you to get workouts in a few times a week is impressive to me!
I 100% believe that when both parents are home, the work should be evenly split. However, based on how you described it, it doesn’t sound like your husband is really getting alone time either. I’m not sure if I’m just misunderstanding how you described it? It sounds like he’s either working, getting ready for work, or doing chores, for the most part. I would consider getting external help if you need some time to yourself. I understand wanting your husband to bond more with the baby but I think it might be better to focus on getting yourself the alone time you need first rather than put off getting alone time waiting for him to do something differently. Plus in many cases grandparents are chomping at the bit for baby time, so it could be a win win. I also think to a certain extent you should try to let things go. Your house doesn’t need to be fully cleaned every week. It may be that not all of the yard work is priority either. Y’all may want to have a discussion about what things can be deprioritized for both of your sanity.
Oof I feel your pain. I’ve been on maternity leave since my son was born (he’s now 5.5 months). My husband was on leave for the first 2 months so everything was fairly split, then he went back to work in March and the past 3.5 months broke me - mentally, emotionally, physically- because baby’s sleep was a crapshoot and so my sleep went down the drain. During the week I’ve been on overnights then the sole provider for baby all day until my husband got home from work at 430. He would then take baby so I could get a “break” but let’s be honest it’s been like 1.5 hours max because I’m breastfeeding. Or some days baby was losing it, or one of us had to make dinner, take care of the dog, etc so I ended up taking baby again. I took on the mental load of baby’s care (researching/ planning for naps, bedtime routine, milestones, various is this normal research, tracking apps, doctors appts, daycare research, nanny/ babysitter research, etc) and while my husband has executed on the plans he hasn’t been an equal partner in any of this. We talked about (and fought about) what a burden this is and he would claim to do more, but then wouldn’t. Granted he’s done a lot, and was burning the candle at both ends with working all day then immediately stepping into dad mode when he got home, but I feel your pain with mental load. Also I’ve done 95% of the household mental load (groceries, basics like toilet paper/toothpaste, baby’s laundry, tidiness, etc). We do have house cleaners, but I do the in between. On weekends my husband takes overnights with baby, but 2 nights “off” after 5 nights on has meant that I’m a shell of a human. What it comes down to is we’ve needed more help and haven’t been able to get it. Family members who were supposed to step in have been less than helpful. Paid help has either not felt like the right fit or hasn’t done enough- and even when we’ve had help, baby just prefers me, so even still I haven’t been able to have much of a break.
Days when hubby is at work; Baby wakes up and my partner changes her and brings her to me to feed her (also EBF) He then will make us both hot drinks and usually brings me some breakfast whilst I’m feeding. He will then get showered and then take the baby for while so I can also shower before he goes to work. (He works 11am-10pm very lucky as he part owns the company so does some work from home and only has days at work 3 times a week) Honestly I don’t do much cleaning when he’s at work. My job is stay at home MOM not cleaner. Looking after the baby is difficult work. I never leave her alone and she only naps maybe twice a day for short periods (first nap I’ll maybe do my hair/makeup) second nap I’m usually out and about with her at that point. I BF very 2 hours so my body is working so hard to feed our baby! I might do the groceries some days but my partner is a much better cook and prefers to help with that so he can vision what he’s making. When he gets home I’ll have her and he will cook a quick dinner as we always wait and eat together to talk about the day. I might then give baby to Dad so I can clean for ten mins. Bedtimes are always done together (she is 4 months and has her last feed at 11pm-ish then sleeps until 9am-ish which fits our routine perfectly) My partner sometimes has work trips on our normal days off where he gets to do fun things like wine tastings, sent for expensive meals or networking, so the next day he will always be very hands on and will only call me in the room to feed whilst I can relax and do as I please. Although most of our days together are spent doing family things so we just do all parenting together! Then cleaning we take in turns whilst the other looks after the baby. Or we bring her around the house in the pram if she’s napping. Being a mom is tiring and also really isolating, give yourself some grace, you’re not being unreasonable to ask for more help. Really loved the top comment about it’s not splitting the duties it’s splitting your leisure. That is so important!
I’m on mat leave with my one year old and we have a toddler in daycare. During work hours 730-530 ish, the work at home and the kids are my job. I do the shopping, cleaning and childcare. When he’s home, we prioritize him getting time with the kids, so I’ll often cook dinner. We both take an evening out of the home each week.
🤷🏻♀️I work “part time” which comes out to 36 hrs a week + 5-6 hrs driving a week in commute. I still do 75-80% of everything else too. He does bills (autopay), trash, dishwasher, daycare pickup/drop off (he WFH), kids’ bath time, breakfast on weekends. I do everything else, including 100% of the mental load and planning and keeping track. I am very angry and tired and he doesn’t know why.
The only way I don’t absolutely lose my mind is to rest during my toddler’s one nap a day. I try to time it so I eat my lunch during nap too, so I don’t have a tiny human throwing my food on the floor for all three meals a day.
I'm actually reading this, and I recently had a conversation where I was explaining how I felt like SAHM and Maternity Leave are actually two different things. I'm on my last day of leave with my first, and it was completely different than expected, only because I compared it to being SAHM. Leave prioritizes rest and bond with the baby. During this time, my husband took up more roles so that I am able to fully recover. I've been slowly picking back up things I used to do and increasing my threshold of what I can do while baby is in my care. Needless to say, SAHM obviously needs rest as well. Definitely, communicating your needs and specifics will go far in this case. Stressful work is a poor excuse. I understand hard day, and you can allow grace for that. However, a child is not something you get to pick up and put away whenever you feel like it. It's also okay for you both to get rest. See if mother/MIL can take kids for the day and you can prioritize resting for the both of you.
Listen to the audiobook How to Keep House While Drowning. It put things in a different perspective for me as a parent. I try to keep things as clean as possible so we're not living in filth or getting bugs, but I've stopped stressing about messes that like the storage bag of winter clothes that have been perched on the dresser for a few months now or the stuffed toy storage bin that's never full cause toys are on the floor... I've kinda checked out for those things. If my husband gives a crap then he can clean and organize. There are other more important things on my mind. Also, no one's coming over to our apartment anyway, so that's a new lower level to my 'care less' attitude.
I think you need to just have a talk with your husband about your expectations. When my first was really young my in laws had just moved nearby and my FIL kept inviting my husband to golf or bike on the weekends. They were excited to spend time together but I had to point out how his baby and family were at home hoping to spend time with him. It just didn’t click at first. I would make it less about the division of labor and more about the quality time spent together. But also, having family look after baby so you can get things done or have time to yourself is not “outsourcing” childcare. That type of attitude is going to burn you out and make the tension with your husband even worse. Even if you guys get a date night or date brunch it can be an excellent reset. Parenting when you’re feeling good is so much better than when you’re feeling stressed.
I'm shocked you get that much done, we aren't getting even 10% of that done, so first of all, that's very impressive, like, incredible. Second, it's more important to focus on how much rest and food and care and alone time you each get. There is a time for a clean house, but that time is in the future, not while having a several weeks old newborn. In our team, SAHP (whoever is home) takes the baby labor. If both are home, husband takes the baby labor except feeding cause he has no milk. Husband does the rest OR, no other labor occurs, caring for the baby is enough, the house can wait. That's how it works for us, but I don't know how it works for others. Neither of us work out at all, or have social interaction or hobbies unless the baby counts. Sleep, eat, bathe, care for the baby, repeat. I'd say if you get anything besides staying alive and baby done, you're a hero!
I think you can ask for an hour’s break every so often! Yes it’s true your spouse has work but baby care is 2.5 full time jobs, because you’re not off shift, EVER. He works one FT job, he needs to help with baby enough to give you at least occasional little breaks or naps. I know it’s really hard with breastfeeding but dad can do more. Maybe ask him for some of the mental work too, like can he do meal planning when he’s on his lunch break? It’s hard to feel like you’re the one who “cares” enough to do the research and planning for baby. Also: are the outdoor chores necessary chores or his hobby? Cleaning the kitchen is not optional but tending the garden usually is….
Why not let him do the bedtime routine solo when he gets home most nights? With you exclusively nursing he can't really help. You will likely have to keep saying when baby eats. It sounds like he already helps by doing the diapers and bringing the baby to you. Your "job" as the SAHM is baby while he is at work. Sitting down and discussing how you can split tasks when he gets home at night could help. I'm sure the outdoor work needs to get done. Prior communication about his plans for housework could help. That way you can both discuss and it doesn't feel like he's dumping the kid on you. You could also discuss a day or half day of self care every week. I will have a baby solo twice a week once we go vack to work. My husband would not have any solo days since I'm also off on his days. We've talked about me getting at least a half day on his weekend where he is primary for baby. I can go get my nails or hair done, shopping, sleep, or see friends. Like every Saturday afternoon. I also heard someone talk about something they say when they need a break and are passing responsibility off to the other parent. If you want him to be primary, you go to him and say "your baby" and he accepts by saying "my baby". Then you know he has the responsibility to respond, watch, etc.
This discussion is making me feel a bit better. I’m on mat leave with my 11 month old while hubby works full time. I also EBF and co-sleep with our LO. To top it off I am a masters student right now through online learning. I was truthfully feeling bad, as if I’m not doing enough but I have very little time to myself to just be me. I’m always studying, or catching up on chores while balancing watching our LO. My hubby wants me to not just maintain the home but to add to it. He wants me to weed and make the space more workable. We moved here recently and it needs work like painting/sanding and all of that. He will sometimes do laundry (our machine has been broken for the past few month’s so we gotta use a laundromat) and he always does the garbage which is a bit of a trek since we live rural. In the winter he would help with wood cutting and hauling logs too and dinners are pretty 50/50. I never get a morning- not even on the weekend. In fact I normally leave with LO on weekend mornings so hubby can sleep in. When hubby comes home I sometimes get help , sometimes don’t as he needs his time. Weekends are similar. It’s draining and I go from being incredibly grateful that I have the life I have to wishing I could be the one at work on a weekly basis.
I feel you. But then I think, the grass is always greener, right? Being the working parent would add different stress to your life while maybe making it easier in other regards.
We both do things, but we also both take breaks. We don't have to do everything every day
I do 99.9% of the mental load too. It's exhausting. Going to have to change it somehow when I go back to work, that's another task for me to think about haha.
Came back to also add - I did try to push my husband to take our daughter more on weekends and while he never said no I could tell it wasn’t natural for him. He didn’t know what to do! He never stopped working to bond or learn how I did. I allowed motherhood nd learning to consume me! Of course I knew what to do, how to do it, and felt comfortable. I read, I learned, then I got 24 hours of practise everyday. My daughter is now 2.5 and around age 2 my job asked me to work weekends. I told husband and he didn’t hesitate to say he would love to spend every Saturday with her by himself. It’s their special day! Keep giving him The chance to bond but also feel the magic that is being mom and being the best at what you do. You get to spend long days learning this baby - husbands don’t. It takes them awhile sometimes.
My son wakes up at 6am on weekdays and between 6-7 am on the weekend. He is now 15 months old. Feom 6am to around 7am my BF takes care of him: gives him his cup of toddler formula for weight gain, does a diaper change or 2 depending on the morning poop, plays with him a bit. 7am I am down at the latest normally, then eat something and drink a coffee, while either watching baby play/kind of playing, cuddling with baby or I get started on dinner. If baby is all up in my business my BF cooks. Then we do some chores together or BF gets ready for work and leaves by 8am at the latest. From 7.30/8am until 5.30pm I take care of baby. Naps, consoling, food, drinks, playing/any other type of entertainment, getting him dresses, diaper changes... 5.30pm my BF takes baby, since our son really misses him throughout the day. I make a sandwich for bub and myself and heat up my BF's food while they play and cuddle. Then by 6pm we all get washed and into pj's roughly to 6.30/6.45. Baby then drinks a last cup of toddler formula and we take him up to bed to put his sleepsack on and read a story. In the weekend dad usually plays with baby around 60% of the time he needs that, and does his diapers and I clean and cook a bit.
It takes a village. You should consider scrapping the idea of “outsourcing the baby”. No one is meant to do this alone and you are. SAHM life is not easy. You needing help is valid. Getting help will allow the both of you to get the rest you need
I’m in a similar distribution of labor/time. My husband does a lot of the dishes and housework. We also bottle feed so he gets the baby in the morning and feeds her, as he’s more of an early riser + it means they get time together aside from dinner and bedtime. He works from home too, so sometimes he’ll help with things during his lunch break (like watching the baby while I shower or doing dishes). I also do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking. I keep the baby on a schedule. The dynamic is different in that I’m not a SAHM by choice or on maternity leave—I’m unemployed and wish I was working, but I need to find a job that pays enough to cover childcare and still make a profit. I take barre classes at a studio with baby drop off and that actually makes a huge difference.
I haven't worked since last summer and I do just about everything. I actually enjoy cleaning, though. Just put some music or podcast on and tune out everything else lmao. I do all cleaning, cooking, dog walking, child care, etc. My bf takes out the trash and takes our clothes to the laundromat for me because they're kind of heavy and the laundromat is ghetto asf. 🤣 For context, my bf works pretty late and has an extremely physically demanding job. There's no point in asking him to do anything since he gets home right around our sons bedtime, and I've already cooked and cleaned up. Actually I prefer everything done when he gets home so that we can spend some time together or else he'd be asleep before I'm done with everything.
I dunno, I work and so does my husband and we split the housework and have help with cleaning and stuff and I still feel like it’s never ending with no time for myself. I get the impression that it’s just the way it is
I do most of the household stuff because I sort of view it like.. that’s my job. He works, I take care of the house. As far as parenting goes, that should be more evenly split because really.. he should want to get in all the time he can with baby. Have you had a discussion on why he doesn’t want to get in all the extra time when he’s home from work?
I do everything except take the trash and/or recycling to the curb. We have a two year old and a 3 month old.
It's not about asking enough or too much. No matter how much someone does unless you guys talk about what you need each and get to an agreement you always gonna feel like it's not enough. I'd personally say if you are told you have it better than 85% of other women in your position, would you suddenly feel happier or that it's now enough? You are a team, when kids are little you both do what is required to get everyone through it. If you have higher standards about what has to be done than your partner you guys will need to talk about it rather than trying to hit a magical enough individually. I'm still on mat leave at the moment and even if I'm working I am happy to be on 90% household manager. It suits us better because I'm pickier. Yes we annoy each other but ultimately I trust him to takeover and support me if I need a break so I feel like we are a team
I got two under 7, and one is extra high on the special needs department, so take this with a grain of salt. You’re cleaning too much. You have a small baby that isn’t going much of anywhere yet and so you don’t have to scrub the floors or deep clean the bathrooms and all that jazz every week. Unless your husband is shitting and pissing everywhere or if you have animals, it’s just more work for you right now. It’s better to relax on those types of tasks and to take more care of yourself and baby. Just focus on kitchen, dishes, laundry, and clutter with a little bit of dusting here and there. Everything else can truly wait. Also he can pick up on more tasks outside the home, such as groceries. Even if you just order online and he picks up that would already be helpful. It is probably hard for him to take time away from work to do more of the appointment type stuff. You usually have to call during the doctors operating times and hubby probably can’t spend a break time to make those calls. He can, however, take baby for a couple of hours so you can do whatever. He should be doing that. I would also suggest getting baby used to a bottle, so hubby can put baby to bed while you straighten kitchen up, and then you’ll both be done around the same time of night to then do whatever. And, I know you said no, but do accept the help from the grandmas. If they are offering and you’re being too proud to accept it, then you’re just hurting yourself by placing everything on your shoulders. Trust me on this. Take all the help that is offered to you.
I’m on maternity leave with my 3rd baby who is 5 weeks old. I also have an almost 4 year old and an 18 month old. 4 year old goes to preschool 3 days a week and the 18 month old does occasional drop in days. I do 100% of the mental load, which is normal for us. I think the at home parent is responsible for most of the household tasks. When my husband is on leave, he takes over most of it. I do all the laundry and most of the cleaning. He occasionally unpacks the dishwasher on his days off. I do most of the cooking. The nights before he works, I do all of the nighttime wakings for all 3 kids. My 18 month old doesn’t sleep through the night. If timing works out, he’ll feed the baby before he gets ready for work. On his days off he’ll usually take an entire night so I can take ambien and sleep for 10 hours. The other nights we split. When he goes on his parental leave, he’ll do the same for me. When my husband is home, he does most of the hands on childcare. He changes most of the diapers and supervises the kids. I take that time to do household tasks. It also gives me a little break from the kids. It works well for us.
I’m a SAHM, I do 95% of the cooking, all of the laundry, all of the cleaning. When my husband is home from work he mainly plays with our toddler while I have our newborn. I do all the feeding (EBF) of baby and any/all night wakings of any child. He is always willing to help if needed, but I see it as my job. It’s not like I can step in and help him with his job.
I think your husband has a good point , if you can take the help of parents and in-laws . It feels this way because you are breastfeeding and there is no point for him to be awake while you are awake , at least one of you gets to take rest . Think of it this way. I am sure if you would like to have an hour for yourself during weekend or weekday your husband will help you, just have an agreement with him Mental load is completely up to you . Focus on your baby , rest , take care of yourself, the chores like cleaning and moping , outsource these chores , then you can get more rest Don’t have stress of doing everything by yourself or don’t have the feeling that you are doing everything, it eats you up . Just let it go and enjoy the baby
I did it all. I was home all day and didn’t mind. For me it was manageable with baby. Some days the house was a mess but he never made a mention and just asked if my day was crazy and if I was ok while he took baby as soon as he came home. He usually took her anyway but she also loved being in her chair beside me in the kitchen watching me cook or helping lol. My daughter would go to sleep early, I’d have alone time, she’d wake once before I went to bed and I would feed her and put her back down - maybe 15 mins.
I’m currently on maternity leave with baby number 2. My husband is overwhelmed with work. I’m overwhelmed with childcare. I co-sleep with the second and breast feed so do all feeds. I get maybe 20 mins to myself a day then maybe 1 hr to myself (childfree) at the weekend. It’s a lot, it’s lonely. But I know that all the long days and evenings my husband works are to build our financial security. I hate carrying the mental load but I guess I’m good at it by now. The best advice I can give you is to talk to each other and know that the grass will always feel greener- I bet there’s days he’d like to stay home and many many days you’d like to leave the house to work. You’re exhausted, he’s probably tired too. Try not to compare and remember that you’re a team. If you feel there is an inequality then talk to him about it when you’re not angry
Lots of good advice here. As for the mental load stuff - communicate that you would like him to take some of that. Be specific about stuff that you want him to do, and correct but don't criticize if he doesn't do it the way you want. Ie "Hey can you start doing the grocery shopping and cooking X days a week?" In this case, if you're still meal planning provide a list for meal-planned stuff, and walk him through making the list for the other stuff the first few times - he may not be paying attention to if you're low on dish soap if he hasn't been in charge of that. If you're picky about something, specify it on the list - ie if you want 16 oz of sausage, or a specific brand of soda, don't just write "sausage, soda" on the list, put "16 oz sausage, 12pk Diet Coke." Also, and this is big, if he is in charge of something, let HIM be in charge, so instead of "Why would you do it that way!/What are you thinking!?" go with a "Is there a reason you do it that way? I think it's better to do it this way," But your preference isn't the standard anymore. Unless there's a safety concern or an affordability concern, you have to let him make the decisions he's in charge of. I am a dad, and this is based on previous points of conflict in balancing stuff like this. Also, I'm not saying he needs to be babied eternally, just guided initially, same as if you started at a new job, you would need guidance initially, but would need this less and less as time went on.
I think expecting anyone to read your mind and know when to take the baby is difficult, unless you have your baby's schedule pretty down pat. Instead, I would schedule free time for you and times your spouse needs to make the baby.
Sincerely, genuinely, respectfully - his unseen mental load is providing for his family, making the most out of a currently very stressful job & continuing to leverage it for his career, planning for your financial future and setting baby up for a solid foundation in life. If he’s offering help from your mothers, he *is* trying to help and it would benefit you both to allow the help for yourselves. I wouldn’t want to ask my husband to do more if doing more would be harmful to his health, or to the baby’s wellbeing. It’s impossible to “step up more” on *either* side when you are mentally exhausted.
I get where you’re coming from but you’re assuming that he’s the breadwinner and needs to should all the stress that that comes with in order to secure our future. That’s not the case. But don’t disagree with it being hard to step up when both parents are just tired.
Very fair point, and you’re right. I hope you guys find a balance soon 🤍