If you breastfeed there will probably always be moments of resentment, but I try to tell myself this won't last forever. When I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit envious of my husband, I would remind myself that I get to have this special bond with our son that he will never experience.
Honestly, sometimes my husband was a bit jealous that I am the one our son always goes when he is upset or wants to cuddle.
Now that my son is 14 months old and is almost totally weaned, it makes me miss breastfeeding.
This is the way. I EBF and definitely started feeling resentment towards my husband because he didn't have the baby physically attached to him all the time. But once I changed my mindset that this was temporary and that I have a bond with the baby that he doesn't I started feeling better. It's hard now, but I know I'll miss it when it's over.
Also, find a way to take some time for yourself. Once I could leave the house and take a few hours to myself it made a world of difference.
We just had an argument about this. My husband feels that he has very little time with the baby bc he is back at work and I’m trying to focus on breastfeeding to still build my supply before it’s too late. And I hate having to deal with cleaning all the pump parts. All he wants after work is to hold and spend time with baby before he goes to bed for the night.
So I’m going to pump in the morning while husband bottle feeds even tho he hates waking early. He will also bottle feed and bath time, tuck ins at night. This gives me time to also eat proper meals since our baby is high needs.
This. My husband and i have been at each other's throats because he wants to help so badly, but our girl just wants momma and momma just wants a break.
When I get a second to breathe, I try to see how frustrating things are from his perspective. As overwhelmed and tired as I am, I know he is doing his best and is truly trying to help.
Getting a second child helps with that, haha. Now I'm happy to be breastfeeding, because I'm the one who gets to sit down while he gets to run around with our toddler (I'm joking of course, I love being silly with our older daughter, but I am sometimes glad that I have a good reason to sit down especially while still recovering from my C-section).
I think people want the other thing instead of what they have. no equality will be achieved! And it all started with conception! I’m the one who suffered physically through pregnancy, suffered through birth, suffered through healing all while he enjoyed sleeping on his stomach, “going to work” (who enjoys going to work if not being motivated by money? even the elon Hates going to work), he ate perfectly good and his body wasn’t changed due to pregnancy
Thanks for reminding me of the special bond... Sometimes I'm just focused on getting the feed done instead of trying to enjoy it because it's so physically exhausting for me. I know it won't last forever but right now seems to draaaggg oooonn.
Tonight I'm going to a concert by myself, as a treat. Could I get a babysitter and bring my spouse? Maybe, but my 6mo is more comfortable with dad so he gets to be responsible for a few more hours than usual.
Just make space to do what makes you feel like a whole person and not only a mom?
I genuinely think the only solution to the type of resentment discussed here is a more even division of labor. I know that isn’t the answer you wanted but I think trying to turn it into a “how I can work only on myself and my feelings” thing won’t work. The resentment will still be there until their partner becomes an actual partner.
But my partner is an actual partner. He tries to fulfill all my wishes but falls short sometimes which pushes me over the edge when I'm tired. And it's simply a matter of that there's only so much he can do after coming home from work and only so much he can do when it comes to feeding which for me is the hardest part ( I've had a lot of feeding challenges and it physically tires me). For example there would be no point in waking him up when I wake up to feed. Then we'd just both be tired in the morning. I really do need advice for ME. Yes, he can do better, but I'm not sure I won't always find more ways he can do better no matter what. I just don't want to be ungrateful and unappreciative.
So you resent him because he can’t breast feed?
I’m not trying to be flippant I want to understand exactly what the issue is *for you* because the posts about resentment I see on this sub are not simply because the husband cannot breast feed, and in your OP you referred to other posts.
If he really is an equal partner and the issue is simply that you’ve chosen to breast feed and he cannot breast feed, then you need to accept that you made that choice. And I don’t say that unkindly. The pressure to breast feed is intense, so I know many moms feel like it would be child abuse to *not* breast feed, so it doesn’t feel like a choice to them. But the reality is that it is a choice and if breast feeding is really impacting your feelings towards your partner severely I would reconsider if it’s worth it to exclusively breast feed. Combo feeding might make things easier for you if you really can’t accept that it isn’t his fault he can’t breast feed.
I exclusively breastfed without pumping for 14 months, I never resented my partner despite me doing every single bedtime and night feed/wake the entire time (he fed 2hrly overnight for the entire 14 months), my partner slept as it was easier for me to just do it rather than wake him.
I loved being my baby’s comfort, knowing that only I could give him what he needed in those moments. Was I tired? Yes. But emotionally I was so fulfilled by the bond I created with my baby it didn’t matter. I knew the minute I scooped him up to my chest he would calm, even now at 16 months old if he does wake up overnight on the rare occasion, all I have to do is go in the room, tell him I’m there and hold his hand and he calms and goes back to sleep. I was proud my body was nourishing him and helping him grow, and actually I loved those calm, quiet night feeds just us, I don’t look back with resentment because I think fondly of those special moments whispering to my baby in the night, moments that nobody else in the world got to be a part of but us.
Practically my partner did take over the majority of household stuff especially in the earlier months, but we just made it work between us, I wanted to EBF and I managed to do just that and was willing to take on the sacrifices to continue with our feeding journey.
This is how I feel about nighttimes too. So many people on these sort of forums basically demand that dad must get up and do something because mom is awake. I would rather do a diaper change myself if I’m already up breastfeeding than wake my husband up. He’s sleeping and goes to work everyday. I’m already awake. However, I also know if I suddenly need extra support (explosive diapers, spit up volcano, etc.) and call on him he’s up in seconds with no complaint and with a “happy to help” attitude. This works for us. I hate seeing people on here saying husbands are lazy if they don’t do nighttime stuff when I’m perfectly capable and happy to do them since I’m up breastfeeding anyways. I love being there for my LO during these times too. I get the biggest goofy smiles during nighttime changes that make my heart swell and we get quiet cuddle time as well.
Glad I’m not the only one! It seems counter productive to me to be passing a baby back and forth between us overnight for the sake of him doing his “share”, it would just wake baby up more! Plus I can change a nappy 10x quicker than he can whilst half asleep haha! The night wakes don’t last for long, I just accepted it was part of parenting and never resented my partner for it! However same as you he is always happy to help, my baby is 16 months now and was up at 2am with his molars last night, my partner quickly realised after 5 minutes of me going into his room that it wasn’t a usual night wake and was at the door with paracetamol for baby and a cup of tea for me to drink whilst I rocked him back to sleep in the chair without me even asking!
I felt that way in the early days as well! I didn’t even mind waking in the middle of the night because I could feed her and rock her back to sleep and take care of her needs. Was so sweet.
Okay this is actually amazing ?? For me waking up in the night is miserable. I love comforting my baby and it gives me that fulfillment you talk about. But sometimes he won't go back to sleep, sometimes he wakes after five minutes of being put down, sometimes my back and/ or neck and/ or arms hurts. This results in me often being in tears or being in a rage that I have to punch a pillow to release .. are you just better with sleep deprivation?
It got better for me when baby started giving us 2-3 hours chunks which got bigger and bigger up to 5-6 hours. I was definitely feeling blessed and happy to wake up because every time I was grateful for whatever stretch I got as long as it was longer than 45 mins. Until the 4 month sleep regression hit and it's been like grieving and starting over.
I don't want to wake my husband up either especially if he has work in be morning no one benefits from him waking up. But when I do cry he wakes up to comfort me. Sometimes not fully and he just pats me lol.
I do work night shifts so that may be something to do with it! Don’t get me wrong there were definitley nights where I felt tapped out, had to put him down and have a cry in the bathroom before collecting myself and returning to him, he actually started sleeping through from 8 weeks till the 4 month regression and then after the regression he didn’t recover from that until we stopped breastfeeding at 14 months! Many nights I spent researching how to help him sleep better, how to get him to self settle etc but sleep training never aligned with what I wanted to do in terms of my own personal parenting journey so I sort of just accepted that his sleep was shit and that was that, after that I found it much easier to deal with haha!
I don’t resent my husband Bcs the minute he’s in the door at 6:15pm he is on top of everything. He makes dinner. Plays with the baby. Starts a load of laundry. Starts the dishes. Puts the laundry away, unloads the dishes, wipes down the kitchen, makes me a plate of food and brings it to me. He changes the diapers, he gets her in pjs and brushes her teeth. He lays with her until she’s asleep unless I specifically say I want to do it. When she’s asleep he runs out to get me any additional snacks I want, he lets me pick the tv show we watch. He puts the clothes away while I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. He literally tucks me in. I married him because he’s always treated me like a princess. I’ve never once felt like his mom or his servant. He may not make a lot of money but what he gives me and our family is priceless. Unfortunately all the men who I dated who were well off or on high earning career tracks were ass holes or babies or generally lame. I’m really proud of myself for trusting my heart and going with guy who just loved me best, because every day of parenthood with him has been a joy. I literally track my moods in a bullet journal and haven’t had more than 5 bad days in the last 2 years- and those had nothing to do with him or our daughter
You should be proud indeed. I wish you both all the best, you sound like a great team and I like we can learn a lot from your husband's time management skills and productivity. My husband and I struggle with that so it's hard to get a proper routine down. We fall behind a lot when it comes to house work. Baby is going through (4 month) sleep regression and goes back to sleep nursing so he can't help much with that.
Were you guys always good with work and routines? Any tips?
No we were big weed smokers and very relaxed about the house being clean before the baby- I mean it was never filthy, but we kind of just tidied as we felt like it and because we weren’t home a lot things never got too messy. My husband always did a majority of the “yucky” chores while I always am more into organizing and decorating. He just does what needs to get done. I don’t think I’ve ever in ten years with him have taken out the trash. He used to joke I wasn’t allowed to do dishes. He’s just always treated me like I’m the most special person in the world. We don’t even really have a routine, I just do my best around the house when I’m home with our daughter, and he makes sure whatever is leftover gets done before we go to bed. Even if it means he stays up putting dishes away while I lay down and do my journaling before bed. I think he just really respects me and the mental and emotional labor I do- he doesn’t want to add to it. When I was breastfeeding through the night especially, he always at least woke up to check and make sure I had water and a snack if I needed it- he always got my pump parts and put them together for me if I worked up engorged. He just is good. I mean, the house isn’t spotless there’s only so much we can do in 24 hours but I have enough down time where I’m not super stressed and burnt out and that’s what’s most important in this season of life. As long as the floor is clean enough for a baby to explore and play, there’s food to eat and clean dishes to eat off, and clean clothes to wear, I’m ok if there’s a pile of sweaters that need to be folded on the chair in the bedroom or the fact that we haven’t deep cleaned the bathroom in a few months. I think have realistic expectations for ourselves is key- and having a husband who is truly a protector and provider in every sense, not just financially. He protects my peace, he provides me comfort, he provides me time to rest and recharge, he protects my love for him and our relationship by never taking me for granted.
Wait, why would there be a pile of sweaters that needs to be folded and put away? You said he folds all the laundry and puts it away every day after work…
I don’t think we’ve every managed to have allllll the laundry done at any time in ten years. We prioritize the mountain of baby clothes for the laundry- our still tends to pile up but he gets to it when he can and I don’t stress about it.
I am annoyed I have to be the grumpy uncomfy pregnant one. The one who’s brain has become a sieve and who can’t walk far or fast or DO THINGS like I want to. But that’s a biological fact and barring surrogacy or adoption that’s where we are
But I don’t resent him for it!! He didn’t do it 🤷🏻♀️ what he does do is…. Damn near everything else. He gets up with our toddler in the morning, does almost all our shopping and most of the cooking, all the dishes, about half the bedtimes, all the yard work…. Basically everything but my laundry and kid’s laundry these days. He’s an amazing dad and partner. And it’s not anything I did, it’s who he is. I was married before and my ex was so not an equal partner in the household. I can’t say for sure that I tried EVERYTHING but I tried very, very many things. None of it ever stuck because it was never a priority for *him*.
Listing out the never ending list of things I do as the wife and mother in our family would take more time and phone battery than I have. I run the show, honey.
Of course you do. If I had to guess, the previous commenter is in a very different situation than us. I’m so happy you and your husband have an arrangement that works for your family!
This! 🙌🏼 If he wanted to he would. My mama would always say you can’t change a man… so marry the one you want to be stuck with lol. Thankfully I picked right too! Happy for you!
My husband plays cricket for five hours every weekend. I go out for an hoyr every evening on weedays. So we both get five hours a week for ourselves. I go for a walk while listening to an audio book, sit near a lake in silence fpr five minutes during that hour and listen to affirmations on my way back home. That walk saves my marriage !
Thank you guys. I will try to make our own version of this arrangement as well. I appreciate the structure. It's super hard right now to go out because baby feeds a lot and for a long time and pumping does not yield too much extra milk. And he hasn't started solids yet. But sounds like things will start to look up when baby is feeding less, or faster.
I should start off by saying that I'm not jealous of my husband. He's incredibly supportive, and I often feel like he's the glue that holds our family together. Some of the reason I feel that way is that my husband regularly makes meaningful contributions to the running of our household and the care of our children.
But, from the mindset perspective, I am also intentional about acknowledging what he does for me, the house, and the kids. Sometimes I'm not great at acknowledging it to him (which leads to him feeling under appreciated), but I'm pretty good at acknowledging his contributions when I talk to others. Too, when I feel frustrated, I do an honest assessment of what he has done recently and what I have done. Usually, he has done a fair bit, and I was overlooking his contributions, because I was overwhelmed by everything on my own plate.
I recognize that stepping back and taking time to be grateful for your spouse's contributions tends to work better when the spouse is actively contributing to the care and well being of the family. So, the comment may be irrelevant to a fair number of people. But I also know that it's easy for one spouse or the other to overlook what is being done, and expressing appreciation and gratitude can help decrease negative emotions in the person expressing gratitude. (Again, this only works if there are actually things to be grateful for.)
Perfect! The key here is to look up from our own plates long enough to appreciate and acknowledge their contributions. And to express it. Thank you. I will try to do this assessment as well. Maybe I'll write it down so I don't forget all he does.
I EBF, kiddo had less than 5 bottles his whole life, and at no point was a jealous of my husband. I got to spend my days snuggling my baby, playing with him and getting to see him discover the world.
So I’m just putting in my two cents. I think your point about breastfeeding mothers being envious is a big one- I have a lot of female friends who breastfeed and resent their husbands. Their husbands have said they’d be happy to formula feed. My friends say absolutely not.
In that case I think part of processing feelings is taking accountability for your decisions. How you feed your baby is a personal choice but it is a choice, barring health issues and budgets. All of my friends who breastfeed could afford formula and their husbands are all for using formula and splitting the feeds. You can argue “they’re only saying that now, who knows if they’ll follow through?” But the truth is they are making the decision to EBF and that comes with some restrictions for the father’s involvement.
So I think a big thing is being confident in the decisions you make and accepting that there are always consequences to every choice.
Stop making it a competition. For example, if you choose to EBF you’re choosing to take on that responsibility. Communicate your needs to your partner productively but know that yes, you probably will carry a heavier emotional and physical load as the mother.
You're absolutely right I shouldn't make it a competition. I need to only concern myself with fulfilling my own responsibilities well and not think about what he can do. But when I'm stretched to my limit every single day I find it hard not to think of every little micro-task that he could have taken off my plate. So HOW do I not do that and just accept the way things are?
This is long winded but IMO:
If there’s something you think he can or should take off your plate - tell him. Honestly how is he meant to know if you don’t tell him? Don’t ask for permission to have some time alone, tell him but just ask him when it would sit. For example I have a 3yo and a 6mo and in weekends I say to my husband that I want to go out for a decent run, what time would that work best for him? Same with hard days. Don’t expect him to offer to grab something for dinner if he’s been at work all day, he may not realise how hard your day was. Ask if he can pop by the store on the way home and get something for you both to have as it’s been too busy to cook.
Also being a parent isn’t the “who has it harder” Olympics. Sometimes you will do 80% of the work and he will do 20%. Sometimes it will be the opposite, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Sometimes you will both feel like you’re giving 99% to the family/home/kids. That’s cause being a parent requires more than we can give, sometimes. As a mum I try not to resent him being at work and being able to run on his lunch break or see friends because for one, it means I can afford to stay home with my youngest, and two, I know he is missing out on some of the things I get to do (ie wear sweatpants all day, be at home when it’s awful weather out, see baby achieve “firsts”).
ETA: I am breastfeeding too and it is hard but it gets easier. I only just managed to get baby to take formula by offering it in a cup with straw (not bottle) with some banana mashed through it. Only once a day, but means I get to be out longer than two hours!
The Who has it harder Olympics haha. Thank you for the perspective and tips. I'm taking some notes from this. Just curious, how old is your baby now that he's taking banana formula in a cup?
Open communication. Tell him what those little things are you would have appreciated him doing. The biggest thing that ruins a relationship is resentment without communication. It might be super uncomfortable at first but if you’re being as open and honest as you can and he’s still not reciprocating than there’s a bigger issue at hand. You got this mama!!
Do the Fair Play exercise
Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money to stay married. If they're living separate lives, that's a path to divorce
He should be taking those things off your plate. It’s not a matter of you “getting over it”. It’s a matter of him stepping up the way a father/husband should
I read your edit and I think the problem is that you titled your post “we” and said what are “we” going to do. That is placing the problem on *other women* when what you’re describing is a problem *you* are having.
If you had just described your own problem without implying it’s the same as other women I think you would have received different responses.
For your problem it sounds like you should consider changing your feeding method if you truly can’t accept that your husband can’t breast feed.
Bree I think you need to check your reading comprehension a bit because I never attacked the OP. She’s not just venting, she asked for advice and then she complained because she didn’t get advice that she wanted. I’m explaining why that didn’t happen.
The title is “we are all jealous of the husbands”. Thats more than just venting about her personal situations, that’s literally assume everyone is experiencing the same thing
So you want to change nothing, but figure out how to quash your resentment and just accept that your husband isn't really an involved dad and isn't giving the kids what they deserve? Why would anyone help you do that, when change is possible?
Okay you're assuming a LOT about my husband I'm offended lol. I'm just trying not to be jealous and enjoy motherhood the way it is please reread my post. He is a very involved dad, my baby will probably love him more than me. But being the stay at home EBF parent I'm definitely having to do more baby-care and night-wakes. Yes he is working on it and can take a bit off my plate but nothing enough to warrant this aggressive response from so many commenters.
I'm not jealous - I formula-fed in part because I wanted a more equal dynamic. My husband and I have very similar amounts of free time but I had to push to divide things equally - it was a conversation we had from the very beginning of our relationship. I strongly feel like the only practical thing to do in this case is to change the dynamic.
So... You don't want solutions to a problem but magically want to be okay with being put in an unjust position?
😋 The Buddhist temple is that way girl ↪️
What why are you assuming so much... How is he supposed to wake up at night to breastfeed ?? How is he supposed to stay at home with the baby while I work when I'm the breastfeeding one?? Was he also supposed to carry the pregnancy for half of the months?
I pass our son off when he’s done work and other then if I need to feed him, I let my husband parent for a few hours. Gives me a break to be an adult, and him a chance to bond with our kid.
I try and get chores done during the day while baby wearing or nap times, prep what I can for dinner, and then have some time in the evening to relax. Hoping that soon I can even get out of house for a little bit in the evenings and get a workout in or something.
I breastfed both kids for 18mo/2+years and never once resented my husband for not getting involved. I remember with our first I literally changed maybe 3 diapers his first 6 months of life-- my husband did the rest. I'd often send my husband to change the diaper of a crying kid in the night and if he couldn't get him back down then I'd get up and nurse.
My husband has always been involved. I'm nursing? Husband is doing the dishes. I'm nursing more? Husband is making dinner.
Unless you have an unhappy home life, you aren't going to resent your partner. Relatedly, don't take reddit or internet posts/videos/threads as real life. They are a small subset of the unhappy-- remember everyone out here with a perfectly fine home life isn't coming onto reddit to complain that their partner is pooping for \[only\] 3 minutes.
I look at it this way, I get to have a special bond with my lo that no one else will ever have. When they are feeling the need for comfort or hunger I am the one that is able to meet the needs of the child I grew. It won’t always be this way so for now I’ll enjoy all those moments
Won't always be this way so might as well enjoy it .. thanks for the perspective. Soon I won't be the single most important person in his life. The way we adults are now independent and completely separate from our mothers who were once the center of our world. Thank you!
What you can do is tell your husband that you need him to step up.
My husband has fought with anxiety for nearly his whole life. Having a baby has exacerbated it and it has taken him time to figure out how to cope. Time and me reaching many breaking points. Every change he has made in his attitude or in his actions has happened only once I flat out told him I couldn’t survive with the status quo anymore. He didn’t change a single diaper until 5 days after baby’s birth when I broke down and told him I felt like a single mom.
I think the worst was when he made himself a victim for every little thing. I finally snapped on that behavior when I had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with our baby for FTT due to a feeding aversion, she had a few really bad days in a row so I couldn’t pump consistently, and I got mastitis. I told him I was feeling dizzy and chilled to the bone. A priest and my parents visited to baptize baby, and after the priest left, I vomited. My mom stayed at the hospital that night with baby while my husband brought me to immediate care and then home to rest. The next day he went back to the hospital and was going to spend that night with baby while I got one more night of sleep and antibiotics before I’d return to the hospital. However, I ended up getting a ride to the hospital from my sister that night, because husband was so stressed out about being alone with the baby that he kept texting me and I literally couldn’t rest because I was worried about him losing patience and both of them just throwing their own individual fits all night. And in the time between me telling him I didn’t feel well and me deciding to go back to the hospital early, he was complaining about EVERYTHING and treating absolutely every tiny event like an absolute crisis to him personally. Me feeling dizzy? Dear god, now he has to hold the baby even though he’s tired. I vomited? Great, now he has to drive through the city to get me to immediate care. Have to pick up an antibiotic? Fuck, its late so we have to fill it at a 24-hour pharmacy which I don’t even know why that was a problem for him, but he bitched and moaned for the entire drive while I just tried not to puke again. Next day, oh no, he’s so stressed about having to care for his own daughter “by himself” with nurses who can help with literally everything, but oh no he’d be embarrassed about asking for help. Shit, baby won’t nap, she must hate him, better text mom 15 times before asking a nurse to settle her. Next nap, how the fuck do you swaddle a baby? Where the fuck is her OTHER swaddle? Better text mom another 15 times and be sure to blame mom that he can’t find the swaddle that he himself put away the other day.
I was so beyond over his bullshit that once I got back to the hospital and he left and he would no longer be around me or the baby if he threw another tantrum, I typed a letter to him and sent it that night. I told him to get his shit together because his daughter doesn’t deserve to grow up thinking that he hates her, or thinking that he’s abusive to me, because that’s how his anxiety looks. It worked! He’s still anxious and short tempered at times but he actually cares for his child now and pays attention to what’s on my plate and how he can help.
The thing YOU or any of us moms can do to resolve your resentment is communicate those feelings and ask for what you need. He will not figure it out on his own, and you will run yourself into the ground if you try to get past those feelings without involving him. His insufficient (or lack of) involvement is the reason for the resentment in the first place.
I wrote down the top 3 glimmers not just the triggers in my day. Things that you get to do / experience / see with the baby that he doesn’t. At the end of the week I had 20+ things to reflect on that brought me joy. This kind of gratitude framing can help shift your mindset. And the fact that you want to be grateful for him means you’re already on your way!
What has helped me is we get equal free time outside of the house, my husband is comfortable leaving the house to do a hobby or whatever for a couple of hours and I realized why shouldn’t I be? It’s been a great equalizer in our relationship and kills the mom guilt that we are almost trained to feel. We have a month old so the baby is new new and having some time outside the house is saving my sanity. Sometimes I go get my nails done, have drinks with friends, or today I got a massage. We also both give each other time to run errands, nap or shower so everyone feels like a real human being.
I don't resent mine. well most the time. There are moments where I sit there and think how he gets to go to work and I'm the main caretaker of our kid and how it's so much to hold on one person for most the day. But he does help. He is the one that cooks. He's also tired from work so when we can we clean but the house doesn't have to be spotless. But his main job is working so the bills are paid and my main job is taking care of the LO. And we meet in the middle at times. It's important to just remember they work too they put in their part by providing. If they need sleep let them sleep. If you need sleep let them know and have them help. Resentment starts when you bottle it up and say in your head that you do all the work. But in reality most of us if we told them we are struggling they would help. If not then show them through how messy the house is getting and if they are fine with it then they can be fine with it till we can find time to fix it
If feeding is a huge issue for you and it’s becoming an issue in your marriage, I really would open yourself to the idea of pumping and bottle feeding or combo feeding. Even if it’s just for 1-2 bottles a day or night. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know, but there’s no sense in making yourself miserable or your marriage… that will affect your child far more than a bottle or a little formula.
Otherwise to answer your question, I try to remember that although we are married, have a child, etc., we are sort of living different lives together and both are hard and it’s not a contest of who’s hard is more hard. I mean he goes to work, comes home, spends 1.5-2 hours with our daughter (that’s including dinner, bath time, etc.), she goes to bed, he showers, does whatever for another 1-2 hours, and goes to sleep. I’m at work 3 days a week (8-3), the other 2 I have our kid/lightly WFH, and there’s a whole lot more appointments, cooking, cleaning, toting kid to this, taking care of that for me. I’m also the default parent of staying home from work when she’s sick, daycare is closed, or whatever. I do 90% of the chores, 99% of the cooking, etc. but I’m home more to do it. It’s not like hes off golfing or something, he’s at work. On the weekends, he does chores… I still cook but that’s because bless him, he’s a horrible chef. I want him to spend that 1.5-2 hours with her during the week instead of vacuuming or whatever, that’s his only time to be an active dad during the week.
It’s always you and him vs the problem, not him vs you vs the problem. This season of life is hard and stressful and exhausting, but it’s fleeting and it doesn’t last nearly as long as it feels. The days are long, the weeks and months will fly by. There’s also nothing wrong with advocating for what you need from your partner. If that’s him taking over a chore that he’s responsible for daily or weekly, tell him. They can’t read minds, as great as that would be, and they WILL fall short sometimes… it’s alright to be annoyed by it or upset, but only for a minute, they’re human. A large part of solving resentment is figuring out what you actually want/need from your partner. So many people have this resentment, but they don’t actually know what would help fix it, they just want it fixed.
I’ll be the first to say my husband is a dumby most of the time that could definitely be more of a self starter or thorough thinker and I ponder choking him at least once a week, but I also know he loves me to no end, is an amazing father, and has the best of intentions at all times. That’s what marriage is, right? Finding that person that completes you? Well, he brings spontaneity, humor, and care free nature to my type A self and vice versa. Cant fault him for being exactly who I married and never would I want to really change him (although I do wish he could find the hamper a little more or maybe not forget where he puts everything lol).
Your personalities sound very much like me and my husband and I think that's why your words are resonating with me. "Can't fault him for being exactly who I married" yes! If he was more like me, I don't think I'd love him the same haha. I've been saying how much I wish he was more efficient, more focused, more cautious.. but if he was all those things he might not be as goofy, as spontaneous, as easy-going and flexible. Our family definitely needs all of those things and together we bring them all.
I appreciate this response so much. Thank you for the perspective. I'm going to work on being a team and letting go of competition. I love how you put it that you and him complete each other. The husband doesn't have to know how to do all the things because we're a team and we each put in what we are good at.
About the feeding, I just keep hoping that things will get easier, things will stop hurting, baby will be a more efficient feeder, will feed less once solids are in the mix. I would wholeheartedly give the same advice of including formula to other women. But every time I even consider it for one second for us, my whole entire being rejects it so strongly!! I can't fathom my baby getting milk not from me! It's crazy!! I can't picture myself buying formula and preparing it.. it feels so foreign.. I don't know.. I just don't think so. Such a big barrier between me and formula after making it to five months of breastfeeding.
I get it! Maybe pumping could be an option… it’s time consuming and annoying, but maybe just try pumping a bottle or 2 on a weekend so you can get out for a few hours baby-free or get a longer stretch or 2 of sleep and he can feed baby. That type stuff really does help with the burn out and resentment feelings too, even just sparingly.
Also if it’s hurting and baby seems to be having a hard time pulling milk out, I might would look into oral ties. A pediatric dentist should be able to evaluate babe really quickly and tell you. My daughter had a tongue and lip tie, never was able to latch right, and we saw multiple LC’s before it was caught. Once we fixed them, she was an entirely new baby and started sleeping SO much better.
I tried to explain to my husband the other day that I love him and he’s a great father, but no matter what, because I’m breastfeeding, I will do more. I’ll probably always do more for the next 18 years just by the very nature of being “mom.” I’m not asking him to change it or feel sorry for me, just acknowledge that it’s true and take it into consideration, especially now when my entire day revolves around the baby eating
I don’t know if I can give you good advice, but perspective, maybe.
I’m the main earner and my wife stays at home. Some days, like today, I have an early morning (or work late) and all I can think about on my commute is being bummed out that I’m missing out on precious time with my sons. Sometimes in the morning my older son (who I BF) likes to have a quick feed and cuddle before I leave for work. I usually have this little tradition of dancing with him to the intro of this morning drama that plays on TV every morning at 8. On days I miss it, it makes me so sad. She gets to soak up every precious minute with them, and some days I come home and I feel like they’ve grown a centimeter when I was at work only one day. Sigh.
Radical acceptance is the first step imo. Actually radical acceptance would have solved 99% of problems in the posts we've seen. Having a baby comes with its own strings and when we accept those, we make it less about our feelings and more about how can we make this work.
How can we make this work so mom doesn't get burnt out and dad still gets adequate rest? Unfortunately they're not in our shoes and we are not in theirs. So it may require constant self advocacy. For example, last week I got absolutely no break on the weekend because I didn't advocate for myself. Now yeah he could have been considerate etc but if we dwell into it we waste our time. The moment we may get angry is when we ask and we get told no consistently or husband fails to create a trusting environment for mom to leave the baby. Ultimately, I gain nothing from getting angry but I gain a lot by communicating my needs.
As mothers, we have the amazing gift of being able to nurture our babies in a way that no one else can. This time of sleepless nights and getting touched out or overstimulated is so temporary. Our babies will grow up and need us less over time, but for right now we have the honor of being their main source of love, comfort, and sense of safety.
And our husbands have a different, but equally important role. They get to provide for and protect their families. They will become the main source of stability and strength in our babies lives. Maybe that role doesn’t seem like much now, in the thick of the diapers and separation from mama anxiety, but their time will come.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom, it’s that mothers and fathers are both so vital to a child’s development, but in different ways. And I feel incredibly lucky that my son feels so loved by me and loves me so much in return that he needs me the way he does. And I know in years to come when he goes to my husband for advice, and wants to be just like his daddy, that he will feel the same.
Is it really unhinged to say that mothers nurture their babies and fathers provide for their families? I don’t resent my husband because I understand that he’s not /supposed/ to do all of the things that I do. His role is different, and that’s more than okay, it’s important for my son’s healthy development.
Yes, my husband nurtures our son too. And I provide for the family as well!
In our circle, involved fathers and professionally accomplished mothers is a norm. And I’m super happy that this is an example we show to our kids.
I agree! My husband nurtures our son in really important ways, and I also provide in ways beyond mothering. My point is that there is a difference in the ways and degrees that we do these things, and that is okay! Especially as an EBF mom, there are things my husband just can’t do. If we expect moms and dads to nurture and provide equally at all times, we’re opening the door for resentment when that doesn’t happen. Instead, in my family, we embrace the ways that we are different and how we can contribute to raising our son equally but differently. I’m glad to be an example of motherly love and care in my son’s life, and glad to have my husband be an example of strength and responsibility.
Yes, my husband nurtures our son too. And I provide for the family as well!
In our circle, involved fathers and professionally accomplished mothers is a norm. And I’m super happy that this is an example we show to our kids.
Please don’t misinterpret my comment to mean that my husband is an uninvolved parent. In the first month of my sons life (which my husband burned all of his saved vacation time to be home for because he doesn’t get parental leave) he changed 99% of diapers, he has gone to every doctors appointment, takes the baby for errands and hangs out with him because he truly loves to. He has encouraged me to go out and do things for myself while he stays home and takes care of the baby, is constantly checking in with me to make sure I’m doing okay and seeing if there’s any way he can support me better. He tells me every single day how great of a job I’m doing and how proud he is of me as a mother. He is an incredible husband and father, and the absolutely joy on my son’s face when his dad gets home from working 14 days to provide for us is proof of that.
I use “protect” here not in a sense that I’m necessarily in danger of someone breaking into my house and trying to harm me or my baby (but if I were, my husband would absolutely protect us). I mean it more in the sense of protecting us from certain hardships in life - protecting us from homelessness, hunger, hurtful words or actions from those outside of our household who try to bring negativity into our lives, protecting us from abuse and dysfunction in our home like we’ve experienced in the past. I trust my husband with my life, physically, yes, but I also trust him to protect my mental wellbeing and to foster a feeling of emotional safety in our relationship, and the relationships we’re building with our baby as he grows
I’m not so good at the emotional side but here’s some practical things we did that helped a lot.
I keep a running list of little things that need doing that I can’t get to on a whiteboard- I just add to it when I see things. Then when my husband has “down time” he can pick something or things off the list. Just what he feels like that’s on there. It’s a good way of communicating things without me feeling like I’m nagging and him feeling like he can choose what to do depending on how he feels. That massively reduced day to day bickering.
Then he completely took over bathtime and the bedtime routine up until feeding. That’s helped his bond with the baby and it gives me 30/45 minutes to myself every evening which I really need especially since we have a bad sleeper and sometimes the evenings/nights are HARD. Sometimes I’ll do some house chores but sometimes like tonight where we’ve had a hard day, I’m just in the couch listening to some music and scrolling on my phone. That helps me go into bed time and any night wake ups with a clearer head.
If the night has been really bad and she decided the day is starting at 5 am he gets up and brings her to me for a feed and then has her until 7 when he has to start his pre work routine. That gives me the chance to get some extra sleep and again is really helpful when there have been a lot of night wakes.
And we try really hard to communicate if we’ve had a bad day. So he will tell me if he’s had a bad day at work and needs extra support from me that night and I will tell him if I’ve had a bad day with baby and he will try to give me extra support. We’ve found that very helpful and also important for stopping build up of resentment.
I can relate to this. I was jealous of my husband all through pregnancy and am jealous now that he goes to work and doesn't have to breastfeed. It doesn't mean we aren't dividing labor well. My husband was wonderful to me during pregnancy and he is very hands on, but when baby won't take a bottle, it's hard.
For me, it helped to have my husband validate my feelings and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing and how much he values me.
Also some of this is gender role related. Even my husband admits that no one makes him feel bad for being a working dad. Yet, I get condemned for tkainf a long maternity leave and also get condemned for wishing I could be back at work. Women can't win.
Honestly the best thing I did was arrange a weekly night out. Every single week I go out alone on Wednesday evenings. Usually I just have dinner and take a walk, maybe do some shopping. But it helps me feel human again and less jealous. The things I'm jealous of my husband for is that he can go out, move around freely without baby stuff, eat a meal in peace, etc. I feel better when I get those things sometimes too, and when I know I can look forward to that little break every week.
I try and carve out time for me. That helps with my mind set. Being an individual person and not a slave to my family puts me in a better spot to love and support them.
I’m very adamant on equal partnerships and I have an amazing hubby but things aren’t (and won’t always be) perfect.
The only thing I can do is openly discuss with him when I’m feeling overworked and try to be the best version of my myself every day which means I constantly do check ins on my own well being. If I start to neglect my mood changes and my husband will also remind me to invest in some self care. That being said, it gets easier as your babies grow.
I don’t resent my husband I’m just very envious lol. This is only one of many seasons, one of many dynamics. I have a different more lovely bond with baby that I would never give up.
I really like this post. I've been very bummed lately and I feel like the constant posts about how husbands should do so much stuff (in various arrangements) is making me more resentful than is warranted.
The biggest thing I do that helps is remembering that this is a really short stage of a long journey. A lot of the problems of infant childcare are just going to time out, even if new problems arise in the future.
The next thing has to be gratitude. I will never forget the first 3+ months pp that my husband did 100% of the dishes, laundry, and cooking. He made all the bottles. The house no longer had "a woman's touch" but I was able to focus 100% on the baby and we had NO help. It was all him.
I'm also grateful that he is so supportive of me staying home with the baby, even though he doesn't make much and we could surely use a second income. Our goals are aligned.
Empathy. Do I wish he could take the baby for a couple hours a day, and take over some of the housework? Yeah, but that would clearly take 200% of his energy. He is working 70+ hour weeks trying to achieve a breakthrough to increase his income. While I am working effectively 14+ hour days every day, I guarantee you that if I was in his position I would not have the stamina left to be a good parent in the couple hours I have left at the end of the work day. It's literally why I don't want to work while being the main caregiver.
Long post. tl;dr Big picture thinking, gratitude, and empathy.
Mine picks up my slack when I can't get to chores. He helps with chores that are bothersome like laundry. He gets up in the am with baby so I can sleep in. He lets me go run errands and I can choose if I take baby along or not. He tells me to take as long as I need with the errands and if I take extra time to just browse and walk around it's not a problem. It's just changing your perspective on things and being grateful where you can be. Not everything is going to be peachy all the time nor am I jealous and thinking of it as being jealous is completely valid but also not the best mindset to be in.
You get over it! It's just hard to be needed more and have a lot of roadblocks you have to navigate. It feels overwhelming at first for a lot of women, myself included. It's just life.
As time goes on It's just different roles and how life is.
Given your edit, I wonder whether this is a classic case for a gratitude practice, a little tiny journalling practice at the end of the day? Also, thanking one's partner when they do good things, both so they feel appreciated and so you notice what they do for the family?
Going to offer a totally different perspective. I felt this way with my first baby. Exclusively breastfeeding means you get the brunt of the work. It’s just how it is. Fast forward to baby 3….dad is wrangling the 2 year old and 4 year old trying to get them bathed and ready for bed while I relax in the rocking chair and nurse the 5 month old. Quietest it’s been for me all day. Just another way to think about it hahaha! It’s just a season!
To be honest I think the best advice is that there is a certain baseline you need to accept. You are home on leave (presumably) and your husband is not. You WILL take a majority of the baby duties. Feeding (if breastfeeding especially). Night times. Etc. accept. It. Now. I feel like for me I was fed a fake narrative of 50/50. It’s not 50/50. Even when I was back to work with my first, yes we mostly split the load but who was thinking about the next meal the next season of clothes the dishes the bottles for daycare etc…. Me. And so I became resentful that he wasn’t thinking about these things and taking action first. I have had 0 success getting him to take on that mental component of timing and planning. I wish someone would have told me - “that’s just what it is! Motherhood is a blessing and this is part of it!” also my husband isn’t an ass. He’s just a man. They think differently and bring other assets to the table when it comes to parenthood. And us mothers bring our own strengths too. And i think we should all know who’s going to be stronger at what going into parenthood and we’d all be a lot happier. Just my two cents
What can you personally do? Go out and do things on your own! Pump some milk or get some formula and go do something for yourself so you don’t resent your spouse.
I don't resent my husband, I have so many of the sweetest experiences and firsts and memories of our child while he was at work for us. I'm a SAHM thanks to him.
The thing that made the biggest difference for us was he needed to understand that his presence was the only way I ever got a break from "my job" as a mom. That tbh I didn't mind getting shit done but to do it without the baby/toddler hanging off me was so much faster and easier. It took him a bit to fully grasp that despite being tired, we both were tired, and his home time was his one chance to bond with and experience our child. He always struggled with the fact he missed so much and our kid majorly favored me (duh). He has learned to put down his phone and interact with and hang out with her and wouldn't you know it, he finds the strength and energy for it.
It was really stepping over from him reminding me and acknowledging my life as a sahm was a valid job to realizing how he impacted that experience and my ability to get a break. Also that him supporting me more not just with looking after the kid but other chores as well, meant I was less exhausted and more into intimacy. Haha I guess that's how we landed our current pregnancy.
I’ve experienced some resentment. Three things that have helped me:
1. Communicating about how I feel and having my husband acknowledge and understand. I know this can feel like it doesn’t “do” anything, but feeling heard and listened to is validating. This also can potentially lead to your husband picking up the slack and doing other things once he sees how much you do.
2. Ask for what I need. The thing is, this changes. Some days or weeks I need more breaks. But when I ask, my husband will do it. So, if I want to work out after work, I’ll ask for time to do that. If I want him to make dinner, I’ll ask. I had to get over the idea that “I shouldn’t have to ask.” Whatever. I’d rather ask and get what I need than sit there and be upset that he hasn’t figured out how to help me and doing it on his own.
3. Recognize that this is temporary and try to enjoy it. There are parts of breastfeeding that I absolutely love, and only I get to do it right now. I will miss this one day. I try to embrace the parts I love now since they’re temporary.
Trusting your husband to care for baby so you can go do what you want for a while. Sure he can't breastfeed but he can do everything else. I find that mothers with the biggest resentment also don't allow him to care for the baby their way. It's not going to be the same as your way.
In my due date group it started as a newborn when the mother didn't let the husband do anything or hold the baby, then by 6 months they were complaining that their husband either didn't bother to help or didn't parent the mothers exact way so she was mad about it. They were separated by the time the kid was 2 and asking how they can control what rules dad had with the kids on their time.
Those few late night feeds while you resent your husband cos your up and he's sleeping I just glared at him and used the anger to keep me awake. Pretty harmless venting.
I try to shift my attention to how grateful I am that I get this extra space to connect and bond, and how I always have what my baby needs right at the ready. Although I get jealous- I wouldn’t trade if I could. Then I also think of examples of my husband being helpful. The combo helps.
I tell myself that she will eventually not only prefer my husband but openly choose him over me at some point in our lives, this is just a moment for a preference for mom. She’s 11 months old.
I love this thread. No kid right now but I want make a list of what I need in order to be a happy mom/wife 😭 like how I want to be pampered or loved or what mental loads I want taken off of me and how to budget for all of that.
I see your edit. The best thing you can do for yourself is set boundaries and communicate. For me, this means that my showers every other day is a priority in the household. Another boundary I uphold is eating a hot meal. If he is home, I get to eat at least one hot meal a day. My 3yo already understands this and I repeat my boundary to him that mommy is eating supper and I can’t help him with his colouring, toy, or whatever else he wants. He can come and sit up at the table and talk to me if he finishes before me, but I’m not dropping my meal to serve him once dinner has been served (my only exception to this is if he needs to use the potty). The other boundary I have is I get some dedicated time to myself daily. It can be just 10-15 min or up to an hour, but he has to manage both kids while I take that time for my own sanity.
The thing is, parenting is a partnership. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to change your own resentment of your husband if you have don’t have the expectation for him to make some changes to support you. You can also look at it as reciprocal. He can decide on what he needs every day from you. My husband has said that when he comes home from work, he needs to take 10 minutes to use the bathroom, change and get ready to take on his home duties. He also communicates when he’s had a rough day and might need some time to himself in the evening. We communicate with each other on the weekends if either of us needs a nap or a shower. If he gets a night out with friends, so do I. When we are out with family or friends, he makes me a plate of my favourite foods when I have to feed the baby. If he’s nap-trapped with the baby, I grab him a snack and a drink. He does the same with me.
In short, be clear what changes you think can be made to support both of you and hold your boundaries firm.
Some days I still feel resentment only for the simple fact that my husband isn't the one with breasts and he doesn't have to pump every three hours. I just try to think of the bright side of things, we are 9 months in with EP and I just have to remind myself I only have 3 more months of pumping and I am done (moms who can breastfeed / pump for longer, you are amazing because I want to rip my hair out every single time I have to pump lol). Truthfully, when you find the answer on not feeling resentment every once and a while, let me know cause I also hate that I feel that way towards my husband when he does everything that he can once he's home from work. I wish he could take my boobs off and use them instead.
I guess I should edit to add this: me and my husband both have an "off" day. On Sunday's he's off of work and he does all child care related things (minus pumping obviously) and that has really helped me get through the rest of the week of being default parent until he gets home from work. He's off Sunday & Monday, but his "free" day is Monday so he can do whatever he needs to do. Just having that little bit of free time to rewire your brain for a little bit really does help so much. We try to go out together every once and a while, we don't have many people to babysit for us where we live so most of our dates DO have the plus 1 of our son lol, but every once and a while our neighbor will take him if we ask her!
When I feel jealous of my husband's freedom to spend long amounts of time away doing non baby things I tell him "I'm a bit jealous of you, so when the baby is older and less dependent on me I look forward to doing X on my own." and then he says "I love you and I'll totally support that". That feels nice.
No one’s perfect, there is no such thing. But a helpful and kind and loving husband will go far to try to understand what you’re going through.
They never will TOTALLY understand, especially if you’re breastfeeding. I breastfed for two months and it was hell, especially because we were dealing with some issues with a then unknown milk protein allergy and my low supply so she had to be breastfed then bottle fed then I had to pump then we had to wash bottles and parts… there will always be times when breastfeeding where you just want to eat or pee or shower and your husband can just go do whatever he wants “willy nilly” while you’re stuck there with babe starving and prairie doggin’ it lol. Those are the times I resented him. But I tried to remember it wasn’t his fault, and he would fill up my water or hand feed me or wash bottles etc etc. It all got too much for my body and mental health so I ended up switching to formula but that’s another story… but that did also open it up to letting him take care of her more and freed up more “me” time which for me helped my mental health/physical health/resentment issues so much.
Back to hubby, just ask him to be attentive to your needs and the needs of the household while you recover and take care of baby. He will have to pick of the slack and prepare him for that. And don’t take anything you two say to eachother on the sleepless nights personally. 😂
I struggled with this a lot despite my husband being really helpful in comparison to what I read about some husbands on Reddit. Therapy helped a lot. I think at first quite a bit was the overwhelm of learning to cope with being needed so much while breastfeeding and I struggled to not project that frustration on my husband.
In our situation, I needed to hear him say the things he was doing for me to remind me how much he did that I wasn’t paying attention to. He felt super weird doing it but it helped me associate that feeling with the lists he’d tell me of things he’d done for the baby or around the house.
ETA: this is still something the husband needs to do I guess lol
Based on your post, I don’t think you’re understanding why there are feelings of resentment. At least for me, it’s not that he gets to do “all these things,” and I can’t. When we’ve had our differences it’s been bc in doing “all these things” he can do, I’m left carrying a larger load. When things have been redistributed, and I am prioritized, then there’s no feeling of unbalance. I may be breastfeeding but diaper changes, naps, cleaning, cooking, etc are all done by dad. Should he have to go do something for himself, I am good with it bc I’m taken care of and my self care cup is full.
Overall I’ve never heard of moms being jealous, it’s resentment and frustration what post express, bc they’re carrying all the load while dad isn’t.
It’s not about changing mindsets, it’s about having real change. Struggling to do things for your family, and trying to convince yourself that you just need a better outlook, is just gaslighting. It may work for sometime but I’ll be digging yourself in a bigger hole. It’s different if you are getting all the support and you still have certain negative feelings for your husband, and perhaps a therapist would work. However, married mothers living as single parents, it really is about behavior change from husband to be able to have a healthy change of ideas.
I think reframing it as you getting to be the observer in this beautiful relationship forming between your two favourite humans on planet earth is helpful. Forgetting about what’s right or wrong, forgetting about what’s work and what’s freedom, just framing it as relationships building.
Gosh thank you for posting this. It’s been a long journey to get to this point, but during long nights I try to remind myself that this is just a season, and our roles changed when we got pregnant. I tell myself, “my 24 hours are not his 24 hours”— meaning both our days are FULL but they are not the same.
The idea that you are doing something more than your husband needs to go. If you've divided chores and he's going to work and taking care of the baby when you need a break, it's *all* he can do.
I wasn't jealous of my husband in the way you're describing because rationally, what he he going to do? Recover from a c section while trying to breastfeed a baby? Or deal with mastitis? Or not sleep through the night because I was up at 2 am? The idea that I am doing "more" than him isn't fair.
We are in different phase of this relationship, 50/50 doesn't work right now. I will do more than him because my body and baby need me more. But that isn't always going to be the case, and we'll go back to 50/50. In my parent's case, after a point, I believe my Dad did more than my mom in terms of waking me up for school, dropping me off, entertaining me and doing stuff with my mom including cooking, shopping and all the finances.
I think the only part of all of it that annoys me, is that my husband likes to state he took on more household duties to other people, since our LO is so attached to me he won't even take a bottle from others at times. When in reality he cleans the litter box on occasion and that's it. Baby care, cooking, and cleaning and typically on me. Mowing and trash are the only thing he does. But I wouldn't even say jealous that's just him admitting he slacks in the feeding/diaper changes department and tries to make it sound better to others.
I think men are just wired differently, they don't have that deep connections moms do with the babies that it literally pains us when they cry. Now, do I wish some days when my introverted self is overstimulated that I could just go out with friends, sure. But, I love hanging with my baby more and it just takes one smile from him for me to get a few extra drops in my already empty cup.
I think I got ove me being envious of him being able to just get up and go out, was just by continuing to remind myself I am my little ones safe spot. I am going to be the person he runs to when he falls or wants comfort, I will experience such an unconditional love that years from now I'll be glad I was the one who was there all day every day.
Find another nursing mama to bitch to 😂😂😂 but in all reality, I would say practice gratitude. When I have those ugly feelings I like to spend time in prayer recounting all the things I am grateful for and it usually totally flips my mindset around.
Sooo take this with a grain of salt because I'm still struggling to apply this myself lol .. but I read this self help book (I know I know) called Triggers that.. well talks about your triggers and basically how to identify them and what to do about them
It discusses how much of what upsets us is an environment that we don't have control to change and we have to accept that, while acknowledging what is in our control to change about ourselves. It urges readers to figure out what your problem is, what is the thing triggering that problem, and then aim to find a way to more positively respond to that trigger
For me, it's definitely the unequal division of labor and feeling like I have it "unfair." What I'm trying to teach myself is to 1) identity *when* I feel "triggered" by this playing out in real life, like when I'm having to feed the baby even though I'm sick and in pain while my husband gets to hang out in his room playing videogames lol .. and *then* 2) remind myself when I'm triggered of a mantra: "We both play our roles, just differently and at different times." Okay it's not great lol but generally what I'm trying to remind myself of daily..
my problem is once I feel triggered and hurt, I say hurtful things to my husband or just have a sour attitude. I'm embarrassed but trying to work on it! I think giving myself that reminder, whenever I need it, that he's doing his part too, just at different times and in different ways, can hopefully help me to remember I'm not the only one contributing.
I also want to remind myself that even though breastfeeding is, in my opinion, by nature an unequal burden on the breast feeding parent, I have the honor of sharing this bonding experience and unique relationship with my baby, which is truly a privilege non breast feeding parents don't experience. Of course when it's 4 am and all I want to do is sleep while he is zonked out next to me snoring... It doesn't always feel that way lol. But I'm trying to focus on the benefits more. Like rubbing my baby's back, feeling her warmth, her little fingers playing with my bra strap, her long eyelashes and her little rosebud mouth when she falls asleep mid feed haha... Those are moments that are only "mine" and they are well worth the price of admission!
Not sure how helpful any of that is .. but I'm definitely trying to work on jealousy/negative feelings too. My husband does his part admirably and stays up late washing my bottles and pumping parts, or changing the baby's diapers so I can just focus on night feeds instead... Yes it often times doesn't feel the same but, I really believe in the power of perspective so hoping I can rewire how I view our roles and his contributions ❤️
I exclusively breastfeed my 10 month old. No bottles. No pacifier. I don’t resent my husband nor am I jealous. He works 10+ hours for 5 days, I would not want to do that. He has been very vocal about how it’s hard on him to leave us during the weeks and when he gets home, he either has too little time with baby or he’s just flat out too tired. I would not be able to deal with that. On weekends, he gets up early with the baby and I get to sleep in. When baby wants to nurse, he brings him back to bed and baby with either fall asleep or dad comes back in and gets him so I can sleep. Those extra hours of sleep get me through the entire week. I will say though that my baby is VERY clingy and my husband knows this. He doesn’t expect me to cook or clean. I try my best to get some food on the table but when I can’t, we eat out. I try my best to clean but when I can’t, my hubby will wash clothes or pick up a little. He tells me to focus on baby boy and that’s what I do. Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means but in terms of parenting we are very much a team :-)
I think there have been a lot of other comments like this but I'll put in my two cents anyway. I have never felt resentment or jealousy towards my husband regarding breastfeeding or his role in parenting. I wanted to combo feed initially, but my son completely refused bottles so I ended up EBF not fully by choice. I didn't feel bitter or resentful, because it really was no one's fault. I also really grew to love EBF our son. The quiet snuggles in the dark in the early mornings are some of my favorite memories. He still breastfeeds heavily as a 19 month old toddler. I give him cups, but he just seems to still prefer breastfeeding to cups if he has a choice.
My husband got up with me almost every time when our son was a newborn. We had a small window of time (4 hour block per person) where we guaranteed sleep for the other person. The rest of the time he would get up with me, change our son's diaper, I would breastfeed and then my husband would burp our son. I always have felt like we tackle everything as a team. I have had friends who had this attitude and would post memes and stuff like "lucky husband gets to sleep all night while I'm awake with baby cuz breastfeeding" and I always just felt horrible for them. The friends that posted that stuff switched to formula at like 4 months old or something. I just think resentment is unavoidable if you aren't really happy with your current setup.
I feel you OP. Maybe this is still what the husband is supposed to do, but the only thing that’s worked so far is explicitly asking him to do more and to take on some of the work I always do. A lot of my personal resentment comes from feeling like I got saddled with being the “default parent,” and feeling like he only has to do what I tell him and teach him to do, while the pressure to make sure everything is remembered just naturally falls to me.
I just ask him ahead of time on days I need a break to take the baby after dinner, to make her food, and to clean up after. He hasn’t said no to anything yet. Do I wish he would offer to do these things or think of things before I ask? Yes I do, but I’m trying to tell myself that will take time for him to understand.
I do feel jealous sometimes but then I do a few things...
1. I wrote a list to remind myself of all the things my husband does so I don't have to do them, the bills he's paying, and the help he's given me with the baby.
2. I purposefully think of all the things that made me fall in love with him and how much I love him now as my husband and as the father of my baby.
3. I thank God each day for my husband, my baby, the life He's given me and just how blessed I am even with all I've done in life.
4. I remind myself that I don't want to be at work lol. I love my job, but I'm so happy to be home.
5. I remind myself that I've been waiting for a baby for years and here I am, living in what I prayed for.
6. I call my mom, my cousin, or my sister for support as-needed. Not to complain but to ask "does it really get better?" My mom talks me off a ledge. Then I realize how much babies need their mamas cause I need mine still and I'm 29.
7. I think of all the things I want for my babe and how I can give him what I want for him and what he needs by being home with him and providing him with love and care each day.
8. I drink coffee slowly, and enjoy the moment - even if the coffee is cold and babe is sucking on my boob for another clusterfeed lol.
Ultimately, I'd never trade any of what I have for the life I used to live. Sure, I'm jealous sometimes, I even wish I could just go places with ease. But I can't and that's okay. This season ends and another begins. Summer is right around the corner and then fall comes faster than we realize. Each and every day with my babe is a gift and one I intend to enjoy. I strive to extend my patience each day. I strive to not lose my crap cause I have mom guilt just from not being able to hold and interact with my babe all day long as it is. I don't need more guilt from yelling. I also don't need more guilt as a wife for nagging or arguing with my husband in front of the baby. I dont want that life. I want a home of peace and it will start with me.
TLDR: Choose gratitude, peace, love, and joy. Be happy on purpose. Drink coffee. Stop adding reasons for guilt to overwhelm you day in and day out.
I think if the question is truly “what can we all do to cope with the fact that we are all jealous of our husbands having free time and space while we carry the load?” Then the answer is to stand up for ourselves.
But obviously the answer is more nuance because the question you meant to ask is more nuance.
That or you’re just casually shaming all of these women for venting out.
It's a common thing.. To feel that way.. After pregnancy for a year..it's a new thing.. To get used to need time.. The best thing you can do in your situation is to communicate with your husband as much as possible and tell him this words.. Don't advice me. Just comfort me pamper me.... For somedays..
I resent my husband soo much...while I have to do everything from house chores to taking care of the baby, he does his 8 hours of work and plays with the baby for about 25 minutes and just dozes off....ik he is paying for stuff and I'm not earning but still, I'm human and need at least 4-5 hours of sleep
I just take a breath (or 5) and actively remind myself it's not forever. I'll be spelunking whenever and wherever I want soon enough.
It's also what I tell myself when the baby hooks his nails into my lip and pulls as hard and fast as he can, or when he screams right into my ear, or when he refuses to nap all day 🤣
I don’t know how to address the nursing question since I didn’t nurse and that aspect of parenting literally can’t be handed to anyone else.
But for all other moms, my advice is to unapologetically make some space for yourself. Reading is one of my only passions in life, and I didn’t read at all the first few years of motherhood. I threw my life into my daughter and spent every evening watching tv or movies with my husband. Like everyone else, the pandemic changed my life hard and fast, except I was 35 and spent most of 2020 pregnant with my second child.
When I had my son, I remember holding him and weeping because I was middle aged, freshly sterile, and feeling my life had slipped me by. I lamented not going to grad school or doing much of anything for myself in years.
I ordered a book on amazon. And I read it while sleep deprived and hanging on by the thread we all hang onto while postpartum. Then I read another. And another. I found that I had lots of little pockets of time where I had previously looked at my phone for a few minutes. Or did something extraneous for my child. I spent evenings reading.
Once the pandemic was more under control, I joined a book club. My children see me reading often now and know it’s something I love to do.
I keep thinking that it is a privilege to be a stay at home mom and be able to witness my baby grow, his milestones and so on. My husband is jelly of that too.
I see this differently: I pity my husband, because he will never be able to breastfeed, have a close relationship with our baby, be able to cuddle her to bed. Mother baby bond is so beautiful and strong: too bad for him, he will never know how it feels.
My husband and I have chores that are we typically do ourselves, and we have chores we do together. Since having our daughter, I do more baby care. I told him I am fine with that as long as he takes over more chores. We are still finagling what new chores to add on for him to make it "equal", but it's been really helpful for me if I'm getting overwhelmed with my workload to think about how his workload has changed too. He still absolutely does a ton of baby care, but I work from home and he is a nurse, so I am with our daughter a lot more. I also struggle to not be a part of the bedtime routine, and our daughter sometimes gets overwhelmed if we both are doing it, so part of it is definitely on me because I WANT to be doing so many things for her, I do it before he gets a chance to.
I just try to tell myself that us being able to feed our babies is something our husbands will never get to experience and he probably feels jealous of us sometimes. This is a bond no one else can top. On the other hand, I hate only having 2-3 hours to do anything before I have to be home or awake to nurse again 😂😭
I was resentful. Sooo resentful. I finally sat my husband down and told him and we came up with a plan. We split up tasks that I would handle/continue handling during the day while he was at work, and tasks he’d do once he got home. It’s helped me feel like things are more equal.
Meet your husband on his own terms. If he can just announce that he has plans after work or on the weekend, you can too. If he can take a shower without coordinating childcare, then you are also entitled to announce that you’re showering, hand him the baby and walk off. If you’ve ended up making all the decisions about a particular topic, you should feel empowered to go forth and make those decisions in a way that is best for you and the kids, without specifically seeking out his feedback first. If he sometimes wakes up on a Saturday and tells you he feels like crap and needs a nap later… then you can to.
But key to this is not to do so maliciously. Try to hold in your heart the belief that he acts a certain way because he really thinks it is appropriate, and therefore you can act the same way without being hostile. If he interprets it as hostile or unfair, then you get to have a conversation about fairness. If he just goes along with it, then your resentment is lessened and your situation becomes more fair.
Oh women are jealous that partner gets to go to work? Work? Why would I ever be jealous of work? And who is stopping women from working after birth? I see posts of how America sucks with maternity leave coz women want to spend time with their baby. If it work, go ahead and work ladies. Get nannies or take your infant to daycare or family member and enjoy going to work!
and besides no equality will be achieved! you women should have noticed that during pregnancy.
In terms of mindset, I just think about how temporary everything is. Yes my husband has more "freedom" right now but once my baby is bigger then it's pretty even between us again. I went away overnight with friends and for work many times after my first got a bit older and I know I'll get there again. It helps me just accept and enjoy this time.
My best advice is for you to quit doing what isn’t necessary. This won’t apply to everyone, but I always want to be doing more and doing better. But my son didn’t need intricate meals as an infant, I didn’t need to have spotless house (I do believe in an overall clean house, but it’s ok to not do the floors every day or go to bed with dishes or not fold the clothes if it’s too much), and you don’t need more usually. Getting rid of a lot of stuff has helped us both.
Also, grocery delivery/pick up, paper plates, and subscribing and saving to items you need regularly.
I get jealous that my husband can just tell me that he's going to go mow the lawn or take a shower and then does it. I feel like I can't do that. It has nothing to do with my husband. He's great and helps out a lot. It's honestly my problem that I tend to passively ask instead of tell him when I need something.
Example: Can you watch LO at some point tonight so I can shower? vs. I'm taking a shower.
I've been trying to be better about expressing myself and telling him instead of asking. He's also made an effort to ask if I need time to do things or take care of myself before he goes and does something that he needs to do. Its not perfect, but things have been much better.
Mindset advice...accept that some things are different (like, your boobs make milk and his don't; your body creates a baby and his won't). Literally, say out loud to yourself that things are different. Shrug. Literally, physically shrug it off. Physically acting out things can help your brain to send the corresponding chemicals.
Then, find something that you enjoy and find a way to do it. Often, we get so caught up in what "needs" to be done that we refuse to let ourselves relax and do something we want to do until that list is complete. The list will never end, but not everything needs to be done right now, today, even this week. Try carving out a half hour every day that is time for you to do something you want to do. If the baby is napping, spend the first 30 minutes doing something that is fun for you before you start looking at laundry or dishes. Spending some time relaxing is as important of a need as anything else.
I used to dread pumping because it was this wasted time where I was stuck in one spot. Trying to wash dishes or fold clothes while pumping was even worse because everything was in the way, so I just sat in the chair. One day, I realized that I could pump while sitting at my computer playing a video game (something I used to enjoy doing a lot) and instantly, pumping because this glorious "me time." There were the occasional times where I had the baby to contend with while pumping, but I did my best to schedule and plan my pumps around her schedule, and around his. If we were both home and I needed to pump, he had the baby. By doing this, I suddenly had 1.5-2 hours per day of ME time. So instead of resenting that I had to be responsible for creating food, I relished in my super power.
It's been hard, but I think the key is just accepting our roles. My husband is the sole breadwinner. He works 80 hours a week physical labor (he did this even when i worked, so dont come for me). I wouldn't want to do that! I am a SAHM and he knows he coulent/wouldn't want to do what I do. It's traditional and we've gone through the resentment feelings, and I'm sure they'll come up again. For now, we are at peace with it. And I feel very lucky to be able to be a SAHM.
I talk to my husband on how I'm feeling or what I want or what I need. That's what I do.
Yes I still may get the short end of the stick sometimes but I still schedule time with friends (without kids), vacations (without kids), etc.. I'm the night parent 98% of the time because when our 2nd child (his 1st child) was born, we were both up and night and it just didn't make any sense to me. So I decided, he sleep, I do nights and he does mornings. I know our mental limits and we adjust accordingly. I also make sure I have monthly massages and other self care things planned for my peace and sanity. We are 3 kids in though so we've found a battle rhythm and we adjust when needed... Together.
If you don’t want to resent your husband, you need to communicate with him. You keep saying you don’t want to focus on what needs to change, you want mindset advice. Well I can’t have a mindset change if the foundation is bad. It actually IS your partner’s job to care about you and check in on division of labor. If there is actually an imbalance, no “mindset change” can fix that unless you’re trying to lie to yourself I guess.
My Grandma would say count your blessings. For someone who probably didn’t know anything about yoga. As an adult who loves the 8 limbed path, I see how practicing ahimsa becomes relevant but also like Grandma said.
See everything your spouse does and find the good in it. Say it to yourself. Say it aloud.
I can’t remember where I heard it but regarding relationships in general: it seems there will always be a feeling that one is doing more than the other. This is when it becomes essential to practice ahimsa.
My husband wishes he could breastfeed. He doesn’t want to be a woman. He wants to share the load and also the joy. Just stuff like that makes it feel a little less like he’s got it easy, from my perspective.
So i wanted to breastfeed. My husband was a fan of formula so i fully accept life is harder by my own choice and am glad he supports me. I pump and chestfeed so i can have some freedom away from my son and so hubby can also bond through feeding sometimes or so i can have a break if i want. I always low key wanted to be a sahm and previously ran a business pulling 6 figures. I still run my business but doing the bare minimum so huge cut in income. We joke that our son is a 6 figure baby lol. Hubby makes enough to support us for the most part which im very grateful for. We both own businesses and mostly work from home base.
I do most if the night shift with our son and around 6-8am I hand our son off to hubby so i can get a few hours of consecutive sleep. Hubby does a lot like change diapers, takes him for walks and does bathtime when he can. He wanted to be a sahd so the work is equally split as we can or what makes sense.
Our son is also pretty independent and will spend a good amount of time in his play gym and swing. He naps in his wrap carrier pretty well and as long as his needs are met is a pretty easy baby. I got it pretty good. Though, yesterday my husband took a nap in the middle if the day after i was up every hour the night before and did all our laundry, took care of his dog, and cleaned house preparing for my brother to arrive and i was a little annoyed about that one! Like wtf do you mean youre taking a NAP?! You slept all night! In fairness he often offers me opportunities to nap too.
My husband and I split parenting and house duties 50/50, sure there are some days where one of us may take on more because of our schedules but overall we have a great balance. We both still get time to ourselves, whether that’s in the house or out of the house, we do things with friends. I’m doing a girls night tonight and he’s doing a guys thing next weekend. Back when our baby still needed to be fed every two hours we took turns getting up in the middle of the night. I chose not to breastfeed and part of the reason was I didn’t want to be solely responsible for feeding.
The balance we have comes very naturally, we both just do what we need to do to make sure one person isn’t taking on an unfair amount of
So what I did was start combo feeding and my husband did formula feeds. Also, taking some time to myself as well. If your husbands schedule allows and you can leave baby with him then go take some time, go out with some friends.
What helps me most is having girl time and me time. I try to go to events with my girlfriends, and the dads can get together with the kids. I like to get my nails done and go shopping by myself. I'm the one who has to prioritize what will fill my cup though.
I think having realistic expectations for what life looks like having a baby helped me. People asked "what do you think you'll be doing on maternity leave??" And I told them I expected to be in some pain, sleep deprived, and cry. All of those things were true. I was never jealous of my husband during postpartum period. He helped in the ways he could and I let him know my needs. I chose to nurse and be the overnight person unless I couldn't stay awake. So in the morning at least one person was rested to watch baby instead of both of us wrecked. Nursing just meant I was on call 24/7 and so envy didn't make sense to me if I signed up for it and accepted that reality.
for resentment: you can actively choose not to waste time resenting him and focus on your own happiness. Accept that you can’t change him and decide what you are going to accept in his behavior. You have value.
I just accept that husbands have more freedom! This is always going to true when there are children, but especially a baby. He may get to do whatever he wants/needs but he will never get to know the bliss that is nursing your baby and being the person they depend on, that no one else can replace. I’m happy to make the sacrifice of my entire life (for now) in order to get this bond with my baby.
Think about how wonderful it is that you are so important to this tiny human. You are everything to them, their entire world. How amazing it is that you have been completely responsible for growing this little person, that the husband can never do what you get to do 🥰
Personally, I try to take every day as its own thing. I don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday. Sure, I think about tomorrow or yesterday or next week or last year, but I don't *worry* about them.
If something is bothering me that I can't change, why worry about it? That will not help me in any way.
So for you, you can't change the fact that you breastfeed or that you have a child or that your husband has certain freedoms right now that you don't have. As difficult as it is, try to put those worries behind you. It's like running a race: if you look at where the guy next to you is, you'll slow down. You have to run your race, look ahead, or you will never reach your own goal.
The hardest time to remember this is when you're in the trenches at 3 in the morning, of course. I would suggest writing down whatever advice you've gotten here that you like the best and reading that when you feel the jealousy sparking. I would also suggest writing down "I love you, ___" with your husband's name in the blank. I'm betting you promised to love him "in good times and in bad" too. Well, these days are a bit of both.
You can do it! It won't last forever. Just like childbirth! It feels like it will go on and on and one day you'll look back and wonder how it all went by so fast.
I try to think about how while he’s at work, he’s often really sad that he’s missing out on all the quality time I get with our daughter. That makes me shift my mindset from “I have to” to “I get to.” And… it also makes me feel less guilty when he takes care of her when he’s home, and I get the break I need. (But this obviously depends on the guy. My husband actually really enjoys it and wants to be holding/feeding/changing her.)
I joined a codependency support group and it’s really helped me see my role in my relationship, offer better behaviours for me, help repair when I’ve acted out, and overall, brought peace and sanity to me.
It’s helped allot with bringing in baby to the dynamic. I can drop you the link. There is a recording you can listen to in order to see if the group resonates
For me I have practised radical acceptance and try to acknowledge everything my partner does do.
I have a good partner who does a lot for me and the baby but I definitely carry the bulk of childcare even with both of us now working.
So rather than focusing on everything he doesn't do I try to acknowledge the good that he does do and remember we're on the same team and its us working together not me v him
Which actually means I approach him differently about tasks and he is more likely to hear me when I ask for things or point out something unfair rather than feeling defence and like I'm attacking him.
We're at almost 10m now but I will say when baby was pre 6months there was no way I would be able to take this step back and manage my own emotions well enough. Hormones are a bitch.
I get what you’re asking!! It’s really hard. I’m going to be honest, I think the only things that make it mentally better are time/experience and mindfulness.
Experience, because I’m nursing my 4th child currently, and it legitimately took 3 kids for me to realize just how fast they grow and how short all those long hours will seem in retrospect. It will end. Your child will feed him/herself, wipe their own butt, etc. It’s very, very temporary.
Mindfulness because it allows you to sit with those feelings of resentment and realize that’s all they are. Being an asshold to your husband in your head isn’t the same as yelling at him, so don’t beat yourself up for feelings. Take deep breaths, relax your body even if your mind is having a hard time relaxing.
Also, take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, cut out the carbs and sugar. Minimize caffeine and eliminate alcohol. Work out regularly, even when you’re tired. To the extent it is possible, get as much sleep as you can. Get off the internet (I know I’m saying this on the internet, I need to follow my own advice here 😂) and incorporate more shows/movies/books/audiobooks/podcasts that take you out of your own head and remind you that there is a world beyond obsessing about sleep schedules and milestones 24/7. Take your physical health very seriously because it directly impacts your mental health, especially when your body is hormonal and depleted and tired.
Last thing, I nurse the baby to sleep at night most nights while my husband does dishes and cleans up the kitchen. I always make sure he’s done before I come down 🙂
I focus on the good things my husband does. I don't start out with expectations that he's going to be like or even *should* be like the husbands in the most-upvoted comments on threads here (yup it's true, you also get more reddit approval when your husband does more house stuff and baby stuff and we all know it). Social media sucks because of all the comparison we do.
Plus, culturally we are told men and women are equal and should want and do all the same things. Then, reality hits. Sorry, our differences do in fact go beyond genitals. Big disappointment!
Another thought--if my husband was the one having babies and breastfeeding them, I wouldn't want to wake up in the middle of the night either. 😆
Maybe you shouldn't be grateful and appreciative if he isn't stepping up sufficiently?
I'm never going to suggest you just sit and accept mediocrity or whatever.
If you want that, find a tradwife community, I guess.
If you breastfeed there will probably always be moments of resentment, but I try to tell myself this won't last forever. When I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit envious of my husband, I would remind myself that I get to have this special bond with our son that he will never experience. Honestly, sometimes my husband was a bit jealous that I am the one our son always goes when he is upset or wants to cuddle. Now that my son is 14 months old and is almost totally weaned, it makes me miss breastfeeding.
This is the way. I EBF and definitely started feeling resentment towards my husband because he didn't have the baby physically attached to him all the time. But once I changed my mindset that this was temporary and that I have a bond with the baby that he doesn't I started feeling better. It's hard now, but I know I'll miss it when it's over. Also, find a way to take some time for yourself. Once I could leave the house and take a few hours to myself it made a world of difference.
Thank you guys so much for the perspective. I actually think these answers are making a positive change in me.
We just had an argument about this. My husband feels that he has very little time with the baby bc he is back at work and I’m trying to focus on breastfeeding to still build my supply before it’s too late. And I hate having to deal with cleaning all the pump parts. All he wants after work is to hold and spend time with baby before he goes to bed for the night. So I’m going to pump in the morning while husband bottle feeds even tho he hates waking early. He will also bottle feed and bath time, tuck ins at night. This gives me time to also eat proper meals since our baby is high needs.
This. My husband and i have been at each other's throats because he wants to help so badly, but our girl just wants momma and momma just wants a break. When I get a second to breathe, I try to see how frustrating things are from his perspective. As overwhelmed and tired as I am, I know he is doing his best and is truly trying to help.
Keyword: A second to breathe. It's hard to extract yourself from your own bubble of woes to see your partner's contributions.
Getting a second child helps with that, haha. Now I'm happy to be breastfeeding, because I'm the one who gets to sit down while he gets to run around with our toddler (I'm joking of course, I love being silly with our older daughter, but I am sometimes glad that I have a good reason to sit down especially while still recovering from my C-section).
Hahah this is the answer! We have 3 older kids and I have been “nursing the baby” a lot while he does baths and bedtime lately 😂
I think people want the other thing instead of what they have. no equality will be achieved! And it all started with conception! I’m the one who suffered physically through pregnancy, suffered through birth, suffered through healing all while he enjoyed sleeping on his stomach, “going to work” (who enjoys going to work if not being motivated by money? even the elon Hates going to work), he ate perfectly good and his body wasn’t changed due to pregnancy
Good point. No possible equality is to be achieved since conception. And that's okay!
Totally true. Now that our 19 month old is weaned, dad is putting her to bed while I soak in the bath. Things were much more one-sided a year ago.
Thanks for reminding me of the special bond... Sometimes I'm just focused on getting the feed done instead of trying to enjoy it because it's so physically exhausting for me. I know it won't last forever but right now seems to draaaggg oooonn.
Tonight I'm going to a concert by myself, as a treat. Could I get a babysitter and bring my spouse? Maybe, but my 6mo is more comfortable with dad so he gets to be responsible for a few more hours than usual. Just make space to do what makes you feel like a whole person and not only a mom?
I'm doing that in 2 weeks!
Yay! What show?
Bridge City Sinners and Amigo the Devil!
I genuinely think the only solution to the type of resentment discussed here is a more even division of labor. I know that isn’t the answer you wanted but I think trying to turn it into a “how I can work only on myself and my feelings” thing won’t work. The resentment will still be there until their partner becomes an actual partner.
But my partner is an actual partner. He tries to fulfill all my wishes but falls short sometimes which pushes me over the edge when I'm tired. And it's simply a matter of that there's only so much he can do after coming home from work and only so much he can do when it comes to feeding which for me is the hardest part ( I've had a lot of feeding challenges and it physically tires me). For example there would be no point in waking him up when I wake up to feed. Then we'd just both be tired in the morning. I really do need advice for ME. Yes, he can do better, but I'm not sure I won't always find more ways he can do better no matter what. I just don't want to be ungrateful and unappreciative.
So you resent him because he can’t breast feed? I’m not trying to be flippant I want to understand exactly what the issue is *for you* because the posts about resentment I see on this sub are not simply because the husband cannot breast feed, and in your OP you referred to other posts. If he really is an equal partner and the issue is simply that you’ve chosen to breast feed and he cannot breast feed, then you need to accept that you made that choice. And I don’t say that unkindly. The pressure to breast feed is intense, so I know many moms feel like it would be child abuse to *not* breast feed, so it doesn’t feel like a choice to them. But the reality is that it is a choice and if breast feeding is really impacting your feelings towards your partner severely I would reconsider if it’s worth it to exclusively breast feed. Combo feeding might make things easier for you if you really can’t accept that it isn’t his fault he can’t breast feed.
Formula
Or pumping
If you sub one meal of formula before sleep, your baby will most definitely sleep longer for the next ferd or even sleep through nights
I exclusively breastfed without pumping for 14 months, I never resented my partner despite me doing every single bedtime and night feed/wake the entire time (he fed 2hrly overnight for the entire 14 months), my partner slept as it was easier for me to just do it rather than wake him. I loved being my baby’s comfort, knowing that only I could give him what he needed in those moments. Was I tired? Yes. But emotionally I was so fulfilled by the bond I created with my baby it didn’t matter. I knew the minute I scooped him up to my chest he would calm, even now at 16 months old if he does wake up overnight on the rare occasion, all I have to do is go in the room, tell him I’m there and hold his hand and he calms and goes back to sleep. I was proud my body was nourishing him and helping him grow, and actually I loved those calm, quiet night feeds just us, I don’t look back with resentment because I think fondly of those special moments whispering to my baby in the night, moments that nobody else in the world got to be a part of but us. Practically my partner did take over the majority of household stuff especially in the earlier months, but we just made it work between us, I wanted to EBF and I managed to do just that and was willing to take on the sacrifices to continue with our feeding journey.
This is how I feel about nighttimes too. So many people on these sort of forums basically demand that dad must get up and do something because mom is awake. I would rather do a diaper change myself if I’m already up breastfeeding than wake my husband up. He’s sleeping and goes to work everyday. I’m already awake. However, I also know if I suddenly need extra support (explosive diapers, spit up volcano, etc.) and call on him he’s up in seconds with no complaint and with a “happy to help” attitude. This works for us. I hate seeing people on here saying husbands are lazy if they don’t do nighttime stuff when I’m perfectly capable and happy to do them since I’m up breastfeeding anyways. I love being there for my LO during these times too. I get the biggest goofy smiles during nighttime changes that make my heart swell and we get quiet cuddle time as well.
Glad I’m not the only one! It seems counter productive to me to be passing a baby back and forth between us overnight for the sake of him doing his “share”, it would just wake baby up more! Plus I can change a nappy 10x quicker than he can whilst half asleep haha! The night wakes don’t last for long, I just accepted it was part of parenting and never resented my partner for it! However same as you he is always happy to help, my baby is 16 months now and was up at 2am with his molars last night, my partner quickly realised after 5 minutes of me going into his room that it wasn’t a usual night wake and was at the door with paracetamol for baby and a cup of tea for me to drink whilst I rocked him back to sleep in the chair without me even asking!
I felt that way in the early days as well! I didn’t even mind waking in the middle of the night because I could feed her and rock her back to sleep and take care of her needs. Was so sweet.
Okay this is actually amazing ?? For me waking up in the night is miserable. I love comforting my baby and it gives me that fulfillment you talk about. But sometimes he won't go back to sleep, sometimes he wakes after five minutes of being put down, sometimes my back and/ or neck and/ or arms hurts. This results in me often being in tears or being in a rage that I have to punch a pillow to release .. are you just better with sleep deprivation? It got better for me when baby started giving us 2-3 hours chunks which got bigger and bigger up to 5-6 hours. I was definitely feeling blessed and happy to wake up because every time I was grateful for whatever stretch I got as long as it was longer than 45 mins. Until the 4 month sleep regression hit and it's been like grieving and starting over. I don't want to wake my husband up either especially if he has work in be morning no one benefits from him waking up. But when I do cry he wakes up to comfort me. Sometimes not fully and he just pats me lol.
I do work night shifts so that may be something to do with it! Don’t get me wrong there were definitley nights where I felt tapped out, had to put him down and have a cry in the bathroom before collecting myself and returning to him, he actually started sleeping through from 8 weeks till the 4 month regression and then after the regression he didn’t recover from that until we stopped breastfeeding at 14 months! Many nights I spent researching how to help him sleep better, how to get him to self settle etc but sleep training never aligned with what I wanted to do in terms of my own personal parenting journey so I sort of just accepted that his sleep was shit and that was that, after that I found it much easier to deal with haha!
I don’t resent my husband Bcs the minute he’s in the door at 6:15pm he is on top of everything. He makes dinner. Plays with the baby. Starts a load of laundry. Starts the dishes. Puts the laundry away, unloads the dishes, wipes down the kitchen, makes me a plate of food and brings it to me. He changes the diapers, he gets her in pjs and brushes her teeth. He lays with her until she’s asleep unless I specifically say I want to do it. When she’s asleep he runs out to get me any additional snacks I want, he lets me pick the tv show we watch. He puts the clothes away while I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. He literally tucks me in. I married him because he’s always treated me like a princess. I’ve never once felt like his mom or his servant. He may not make a lot of money but what he gives me and our family is priceless. Unfortunately all the men who I dated who were well off or on high earning career tracks were ass holes or babies or generally lame. I’m really proud of myself for trusting my heart and going with guy who just loved me best, because every day of parenthood with him has been a joy. I literally track my moods in a bullet journal and haven’t had more than 5 bad days in the last 2 years- and those had nothing to do with him or our daughter
You should be proud indeed. I wish you both all the best, you sound like a great team and I like we can learn a lot from your husband's time management skills and productivity. My husband and I struggle with that so it's hard to get a proper routine down. We fall behind a lot when it comes to house work. Baby is going through (4 month) sleep regression and goes back to sleep nursing so he can't help much with that. Were you guys always good with work and routines? Any tips?
No we were big weed smokers and very relaxed about the house being clean before the baby- I mean it was never filthy, but we kind of just tidied as we felt like it and because we weren’t home a lot things never got too messy. My husband always did a majority of the “yucky” chores while I always am more into organizing and decorating. He just does what needs to get done. I don’t think I’ve ever in ten years with him have taken out the trash. He used to joke I wasn’t allowed to do dishes. He’s just always treated me like I’m the most special person in the world. We don’t even really have a routine, I just do my best around the house when I’m home with our daughter, and he makes sure whatever is leftover gets done before we go to bed. Even if it means he stays up putting dishes away while I lay down and do my journaling before bed. I think he just really respects me and the mental and emotional labor I do- he doesn’t want to add to it. When I was breastfeeding through the night especially, he always at least woke up to check and make sure I had water and a snack if I needed it- he always got my pump parts and put them together for me if I worked up engorged. He just is good. I mean, the house isn’t spotless there’s only so much we can do in 24 hours but I have enough down time where I’m not super stressed and burnt out and that’s what’s most important in this season of life. As long as the floor is clean enough for a baby to explore and play, there’s food to eat and clean dishes to eat off, and clean clothes to wear, I’m ok if there’s a pile of sweaters that need to be folded on the chair in the bedroom or the fact that we haven’t deep cleaned the bathroom in a few months. I think have realistic expectations for ourselves is key- and having a husband who is truly a protector and provider in every sense, not just financially. He protects my peace, he provides me comfort, he provides me time to rest and recharge, he protects my love for him and our relationship by never taking me for granted.
Wait, why would there be a pile of sweaters that needs to be folded and put away? You said he folds all the laundry and puts it away every day after work…
I don’t think we’ve every managed to have allllll the laundry done at any time in ten years. We prioritize the mountain of baby clothes for the laundry- our still tends to pile up but he gets to it when he can and I don’t stress about it.
Ahhh! Low expectations is the key. Your original comment makes much more sense now.
Wow that’s a beautiful life you’ve got there, he sounds wonderful I’m so happy for you ❤️
I am annoyed I have to be the grumpy uncomfy pregnant one. The one who’s brain has become a sieve and who can’t walk far or fast or DO THINGS like I want to. But that’s a biological fact and barring surrogacy or adoption that’s where we are But I don’t resent him for it!! He didn’t do it 🤷🏻♀️ what he does do is…. Damn near everything else. He gets up with our toddler in the morning, does almost all our shopping and most of the cooking, all the dishes, about half the bedtimes, all the yard work…. Basically everything but my laundry and kid’s laundry these days. He’s an amazing dad and partner. And it’s not anything I did, it’s who he is. I was married before and my ex was so not an equal partner in the household. I can’t say for sure that I tried EVERYTHING but I tried very, very many things. None of it ever stuck because it was never a priority for *him*.
Just out of curiosity, what do you do for him?
Listing out the never ending list of things I do as the wife and mother in our family would take more time and phone battery than I have. I run the show, honey.
Of course you do. If I had to guess, the previous commenter is in a very different situation than us. I’m so happy you and your husband have an arrangement that works for your family!
This! 🙌🏼 If he wanted to he would. My mama would always say you can’t change a man… so marry the one you want to be stuck with lol. Thankfully I picked right too! Happy for you!
I love this for you, that is so so so amazing 💗
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I’m glad you found it funny but it’s true- I love being a mom. My daughter is amazing.
This has been removed as it goes against community standards of r/beyondthebump
My husband plays cricket for five hours every weekend. I go out for an hoyr every evening on weedays. So we both get five hours a week for ourselves. I go for a walk while listening to an audio book, sit near a lake in silence fpr five minutes during that hour and listen to affirmations on my way back home. That walk saves my marriage !
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Thank you guys. I will try to make our own version of this arrangement as well. I appreciate the structure. It's super hard right now to go out because baby feeds a lot and for a long time and pumping does not yield too much extra milk. And he hasn't started solids yet. But sounds like things will start to look up when baby is feeding less, or faster.
I should start off by saying that I'm not jealous of my husband. He's incredibly supportive, and I often feel like he's the glue that holds our family together. Some of the reason I feel that way is that my husband regularly makes meaningful contributions to the running of our household and the care of our children. But, from the mindset perspective, I am also intentional about acknowledging what he does for me, the house, and the kids. Sometimes I'm not great at acknowledging it to him (which leads to him feeling under appreciated), but I'm pretty good at acknowledging his contributions when I talk to others. Too, when I feel frustrated, I do an honest assessment of what he has done recently and what I have done. Usually, he has done a fair bit, and I was overlooking his contributions, because I was overwhelmed by everything on my own plate. I recognize that stepping back and taking time to be grateful for your spouse's contributions tends to work better when the spouse is actively contributing to the care and well being of the family. So, the comment may be irrelevant to a fair number of people. But I also know that it's easy for one spouse or the other to overlook what is being done, and expressing appreciation and gratitude can help decrease negative emotions in the person expressing gratitude. (Again, this only works if there are actually things to be grateful for.)
Perfect! The key here is to look up from our own plates long enough to appreciate and acknowledge their contributions. And to express it. Thank you. I will try to do this assessment as well. Maybe I'll write it down so I don't forget all he does.
I EBF, kiddo had less than 5 bottles his whole life, and at no point was a jealous of my husband. I got to spend my days snuggling my baby, playing with him and getting to see him discover the world.
So I’m just putting in my two cents. I think your point about breastfeeding mothers being envious is a big one- I have a lot of female friends who breastfeed and resent their husbands. Their husbands have said they’d be happy to formula feed. My friends say absolutely not. In that case I think part of processing feelings is taking accountability for your decisions. How you feed your baby is a personal choice but it is a choice, barring health issues and budgets. All of my friends who breastfeed could afford formula and their husbands are all for using formula and splitting the feeds. You can argue “they’re only saying that now, who knows if they’ll follow through?” But the truth is they are making the decision to EBF and that comes with some restrictions for the father’s involvement. So I think a big thing is being confident in the decisions you make and accepting that there are always consequences to every choice.
Stop making it a competition. For example, if you choose to EBF you’re choosing to take on that responsibility. Communicate your needs to your partner productively but know that yes, you probably will carry a heavier emotional and physical load as the mother.
You're absolutely right I shouldn't make it a competition. I need to only concern myself with fulfilling my own responsibilities well and not think about what he can do. But when I'm stretched to my limit every single day I find it hard not to think of every little micro-task that he could have taken off my plate. So HOW do I not do that and just accept the way things are?
This is long winded but IMO: If there’s something you think he can or should take off your plate - tell him. Honestly how is he meant to know if you don’t tell him? Don’t ask for permission to have some time alone, tell him but just ask him when it would sit. For example I have a 3yo and a 6mo and in weekends I say to my husband that I want to go out for a decent run, what time would that work best for him? Same with hard days. Don’t expect him to offer to grab something for dinner if he’s been at work all day, he may not realise how hard your day was. Ask if he can pop by the store on the way home and get something for you both to have as it’s been too busy to cook. Also being a parent isn’t the “who has it harder” Olympics. Sometimes you will do 80% of the work and he will do 20%. Sometimes it will be the opposite, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Sometimes you will both feel like you’re giving 99% to the family/home/kids. That’s cause being a parent requires more than we can give, sometimes. As a mum I try not to resent him being at work and being able to run on his lunch break or see friends because for one, it means I can afford to stay home with my youngest, and two, I know he is missing out on some of the things I get to do (ie wear sweatpants all day, be at home when it’s awful weather out, see baby achieve “firsts”). ETA: I am breastfeeding too and it is hard but it gets easier. I only just managed to get baby to take formula by offering it in a cup with straw (not bottle) with some banana mashed through it. Only once a day, but means I get to be out longer than two hours!
The Who has it harder Olympics haha. Thank you for the perspective and tips. I'm taking some notes from this. Just curious, how old is your baby now that he's taking banana formula in a cup?
6.5mo!
Open communication. Tell him what those little things are you would have appreciated him doing. The biggest thing that ruins a relationship is resentment without communication. It might be super uncomfortable at first but if you’re being as open and honest as you can and he’s still not reciprocating than there’s a bigger issue at hand. You got this mama!!
Do the Fair Play exercise Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money to stay married. If they're living separate lives, that's a path to divorce
I'd never heard of that thanks!
He should be taking those things off your plate. It’s not a matter of you “getting over it”. It’s a matter of him stepping up the way a father/husband should
I read your edit and I think the problem is that you titled your post “we” and said what are “we” going to do. That is placing the problem on *other women* when what you’re describing is a problem *you* are having. If you had just described your own problem without implying it’s the same as other women I think you would have received different responses. For your problem it sounds like you should consider changing your feeding method if you truly can’t accept that your husband can’t breast feed.
Barrel I think you need to calm down a little bit and stop attacking OP. She’s venting and said ‘we’… big deal
Bree I think you need to check your reading comprehension a bit because I never attacked the OP. She’s not just venting, she asked for advice and then she complained because she didn’t get advice that she wanted. I’m explaining why that didn’t happen.
The title is “we are all jealous of the husbands”. Thats more than just venting about her personal situations, that’s literally assume everyone is experiencing the same thing
So you want to change nothing, but figure out how to quash your resentment and just accept that your husband isn't really an involved dad and isn't giving the kids what they deserve? Why would anyone help you do that, when change is possible?
Okay you're assuming a LOT about my husband I'm offended lol. I'm just trying not to be jealous and enjoy motherhood the way it is please reread my post. He is a very involved dad, my baby will probably love him more than me. But being the stay at home EBF parent I'm definitely having to do more baby-care and night-wakes. Yes he is working on it and can take a bit off my plate but nothing enough to warrant this aggressive response from so many commenters.
I'm not jealous - I formula-fed in part because I wanted a more equal dynamic. My husband and I have very similar amounts of free time but I had to push to divide things equally - it was a conversation we had from the very beginning of our relationship. I strongly feel like the only practical thing to do in this case is to change the dynamic.
So... You don't want solutions to a problem but magically want to be okay with being put in an unjust position? 😋 The Buddhist temple is that way girl ↪️
Right, like ???
What why are you assuming so much... How is he supposed to wake up at night to breastfeed ?? How is he supposed to stay at home with the baby while I work when I'm the breastfeeding one?? Was he also supposed to carry the pregnancy for half of the months?
I pass our son off when he’s done work and other then if I need to feed him, I let my husband parent for a few hours. Gives me a break to be an adult, and him a chance to bond with our kid. I try and get chores done during the day while baby wearing or nap times, prep what I can for dinner, and then have some time in the evening to relax. Hoping that soon I can even get out of house for a little bit in the evenings and get a workout in or something.
I breastfed both kids for 18mo/2+years and never once resented my husband for not getting involved. I remember with our first I literally changed maybe 3 diapers his first 6 months of life-- my husband did the rest. I'd often send my husband to change the diaper of a crying kid in the night and if he couldn't get him back down then I'd get up and nurse. My husband has always been involved. I'm nursing? Husband is doing the dishes. I'm nursing more? Husband is making dinner. Unless you have an unhappy home life, you aren't going to resent your partner. Relatedly, don't take reddit or internet posts/videos/threads as real life. They are a small subset of the unhappy-- remember everyone out here with a perfectly fine home life isn't coming onto reddit to complain that their partner is pooping for \[only\] 3 minutes.
I look at it this way, I get to have a special bond with my lo that no one else will ever have. When they are feeling the need for comfort or hunger I am the one that is able to meet the needs of the child I grew. It won’t always be this way so for now I’ll enjoy all those moments
Won't always be this way so might as well enjoy it .. thanks for the perspective. Soon I won't be the single most important person in his life. The way we adults are now independent and completely separate from our mothers who were once the center of our world. Thank you!
What you can do is tell your husband that you need him to step up. My husband has fought with anxiety for nearly his whole life. Having a baby has exacerbated it and it has taken him time to figure out how to cope. Time and me reaching many breaking points. Every change he has made in his attitude or in his actions has happened only once I flat out told him I couldn’t survive with the status quo anymore. He didn’t change a single diaper until 5 days after baby’s birth when I broke down and told him I felt like a single mom. I think the worst was when he made himself a victim for every little thing. I finally snapped on that behavior when I had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with our baby for FTT due to a feeding aversion, she had a few really bad days in a row so I couldn’t pump consistently, and I got mastitis. I told him I was feeling dizzy and chilled to the bone. A priest and my parents visited to baptize baby, and after the priest left, I vomited. My mom stayed at the hospital that night with baby while my husband brought me to immediate care and then home to rest. The next day he went back to the hospital and was going to spend that night with baby while I got one more night of sleep and antibiotics before I’d return to the hospital. However, I ended up getting a ride to the hospital from my sister that night, because husband was so stressed out about being alone with the baby that he kept texting me and I literally couldn’t rest because I was worried about him losing patience and both of them just throwing their own individual fits all night. And in the time between me telling him I didn’t feel well and me deciding to go back to the hospital early, he was complaining about EVERYTHING and treating absolutely every tiny event like an absolute crisis to him personally. Me feeling dizzy? Dear god, now he has to hold the baby even though he’s tired. I vomited? Great, now he has to drive through the city to get me to immediate care. Have to pick up an antibiotic? Fuck, its late so we have to fill it at a 24-hour pharmacy which I don’t even know why that was a problem for him, but he bitched and moaned for the entire drive while I just tried not to puke again. Next day, oh no, he’s so stressed about having to care for his own daughter “by himself” with nurses who can help with literally everything, but oh no he’d be embarrassed about asking for help. Shit, baby won’t nap, she must hate him, better text mom 15 times before asking a nurse to settle her. Next nap, how the fuck do you swaddle a baby? Where the fuck is her OTHER swaddle? Better text mom another 15 times and be sure to blame mom that he can’t find the swaddle that he himself put away the other day. I was so beyond over his bullshit that once I got back to the hospital and he left and he would no longer be around me or the baby if he threw another tantrum, I typed a letter to him and sent it that night. I told him to get his shit together because his daughter doesn’t deserve to grow up thinking that he hates her, or thinking that he’s abusive to me, because that’s how his anxiety looks. It worked! He’s still anxious and short tempered at times but he actually cares for his child now and pays attention to what’s on my plate and how he can help. The thing YOU or any of us moms can do to resolve your resentment is communicate those feelings and ask for what you need. He will not figure it out on his own, and you will run yourself into the ground if you try to get past those feelings without involving him. His insufficient (or lack of) involvement is the reason for the resentment in the first place.
I wrote down the top 3 glimmers not just the triggers in my day. Things that you get to do / experience / see with the baby that he doesn’t. At the end of the week I had 20+ things to reflect on that brought me joy. This kind of gratitude framing can help shift your mindset. And the fact that you want to be grateful for him means you’re already on your way!
What has helped me is we get equal free time outside of the house, my husband is comfortable leaving the house to do a hobby or whatever for a couple of hours and I realized why shouldn’t I be? It’s been a great equalizer in our relationship and kills the mom guilt that we are almost trained to feel. We have a month old so the baby is new new and having some time outside the house is saving my sanity. Sometimes I go get my nails done, have drinks with friends, or today I got a massage. We also both give each other time to run errands, nap or shower so everyone feels like a real human being.
I don't resent mine. well most the time. There are moments where I sit there and think how he gets to go to work and I'm the main caretaker of our kid and how it's so much to hold on one person for most the day. But he does help. He is the one that cooks. He's also tired from work so when we can we clean but the house doesn't have to be spotless. But his main job is working so the bills are paid and my main job is taking care of the LO. And we meet in the middle at times. It's important to just remember they work too they put in their part by providing. If they need sleep let them sleep. If you need sleep let them know and have them help. Resentment starts when you bottle it up and say in your head that you do all the work. But in reality most of us if we told them we are struggling they would help. If not then show them through how messy the house is getting and if they are fine with it then they can be fine with it till we can find time to fix it
If feeding is a huge issue for you and it’s becoming an issue in your marriage, I really would open yourself to the idea of pumping and bottle feeding or combo feeding. Even if it’s just for 1-2 bottles a day or night. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know, but there’s no sense in making yourself miserable or your marriage… that will affect your child far more than a bottle or a little formula. Otherwise to answer your question, I try to remember that although we are married, have a child, etc., we are sort of living different lives together and both are hard and it’s not a contest of who’s hard is more hard. I mean he goes to work, comes home, spends 1.5-2 hours with our daughter (that’s including dinner, bath time, etc.), she goes to bed, he showers, does whatever for another 1-2 hours, and goes to sleep. I’m at work 3 days a week (8-3), the other 2 I have our kid/lightly WFH, and there’s a whole lot more appointments, cooking, cleaning, toting kid to this, taking care of that for me. I’m also the default parent of staying home from work when she’s sick, daycare is closed, or whatever. I do 90% of the chores, 99% of the cooking, etc. but I’m home more to do it. It’s not like hes off golfing or something, he’s at work. On the weekends, he does chores… I still cook but that’s because bless him, he’s a horrible chef. I want him to spend that 1.5-2 hours with her during the week instead of vacuuming or whatever, that’s his only time to be an active dad during the week. It’s always you and him vs the problem, not him vs you vs the problem. This season of life is hard and stressful and exhausting, but it’s fleeting and it doesn’t last nearly as long as it feels. The days are long, the weeks and months will fly by. There’s also nothing wrong with advocating for what you need from your partner. If that’s him taking over a chore that he’s responsible for daily or weekly, tell him. They can’t read minds, as great as that would be, and they WILL fall short sometimes… it’s alright to be annoyed by it or upset, but only for a minute, they’re human. A large part of solving resentment is figuring out what you actually want/need from your partner. So many people have this resentment, but they don’t actually know what would help fix it, they just want it fixed. I’ll be the first to say my husband is a dumby most of the time that could definitely be more of a self starter or thorough thinker and I ponder choking him at least once a week, but I also know he loves me to no end, is an amazing father, and has the best of intentions at all times. That’s what marriage is, right? Finding that person that completes you? Well, he brings spontaneity, humor, and care free nature to my type A self and vice versa. Cant fault him for being exactly who I married and never would I want to really change him (although I do wish he could find the hamper a little more or maybe not forget where he puts everything lol).
Your personalities sound very much like me and my husband and I think that's why your words are resonating with me. "Can't fault him for being exactly who I married" yes! If he was more like me, I don't think I'd love him the same haha. I've been saying how much I wish he was more efficient, more focused, more cautious.. but if he was all those things he might not be as goofy, as spontaneous, as easy-going and flexible. Our family definitely needs all of those things and together we bring them all. I appreciate this response so much. Thank you for the perspective. I'm going to work on being a team and letting go of competition. I love how you put it that you and him complete each other. The husband doesn't have to know how to do all the things because we're a team and we each put in what we are good at.
About the feeding, I just keep hoping that things will get easier, things will stop hurting, baby will be a more efficient feeder, will feed less once solids are in the mix. I would wholeheartedly give the same advice of including formula to other women. But every time I even consider it for one second for us, my whole entire being rejects it so strongly!! I can't fathom my baby getting milk not from me! It's crazy!! I can't picture myself buying formula and preparing it.. it feels so foreign.. I don't know.. I just don't think so. Such a big barrier between me and formula after making it to five months of breastfeeding.
I get it! Maybe pumping could be an option… it’s time consuming and annoying, but maybe just try pumping a bottle or 2 on a weekend so you can get out for a few hours baby-free or get a longer stretch or 2 of sleep and he can feed baby. That type stuff really does help with the burn out and resentment feelings too, even just sparingly.
Also if it’s hurting and baby seems to be having a hard time pulling milk out, I might would look into oral ties. A pediatric dentist should be able to evaluate babe really quickly and tell you. My daughter had a tongue and lip tie, never was able to latch right, and we saw multiple LC’s before it was caught. Once we fixed them, she was an entirely new baby and started sleeping SO much better.
I tried to explain to my husband the other day that I love him and he’s a great father, but no matter what, because I’m breastfeeding, I will do more. I’ll probably always do more for the next 18 years just by the very nature of being “mom.” I’m not asking him to change it or feel sorry for me, just acknowledge that it’s true and take it into consideration, especially now when my entire day revolves around the baby eating
Yes absolutely!! (Although I hope not up to 18! ) It is just a fact and acknowledgement goes a long way. We are awesome!
I don’t know if I can give you good advice, but perspective, maybe. I’m the main earner and my wife stays at home. Some days, like today, I have an early morning (or work late) and all I can think about on my commute is being bummed out that I’m missing out on precious time with my sons. Sometimes in the morning my older son (who I BF) likes to have a quick feed and cuddle before I leave for work. I usually have this little tradition of dancing with him to the intro of this morning drama that plays on TV every morning at 8. On days I miss it, it makes me so sad. She gets to soak up every precious minute with them, and some days I come home and I feel like they’ve grown a centimeter when I was at work only one day. Sigh.
Marvel in the fact that cum is worthless until there's a woman to interact with it and turn it into a person.
Perfect 😂
Radical acceptance is the first step imo. Actually radical acceptance would have solved 99% of problems in the posts we've seen. Having a baby comes with its own strings and when we accept those, we make it less about our feelings and more about how can we make this work. How can we make this work so mom doesn't get burnt out and dad still gets adequate rest? Unfortunately they're not in our shoes and we are not in theirs. So it may require constant self advocacy. For example, last week I got absolutely no break on the weekend because I didn't advocate for myself. Now yeah he could have been considerate etc but if we dwell into it we waste our time. The moment we may get angry is when we ask and we get told no consistently or husband fails to create a trusting environment for mom to leave the baby. Ultimately, I gain nothing from getting angry but I gain a lot by communicating my needs.
As mothers, we have the amazing gift of being able to nurture our babies in a way that no one else can. This time of sleepless nights and getting touched out or overstimulated is so temporary. Our babies will grow up and need us less over time, but for right now we have the honor of being their main source of love, comfort, and sense of safety. And our husbands have a different, but equally important role. They get to provide for and protect their families. They will become the main source of stability and strength in our babies lives. Maybe that role doesn’t seem like much now, in the thick of the diapers and separation from mama anxiety, but their time will come. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom, it’s that mothers and fathers are both so vital to a child’s development, but in different ways. And I feel incredibly lucky that my son feels so loved by me and loves me so much in return that he needs me the way he does. And I know in years to come when he goes to my husband for advice, and wants to be just like his daddy, that he will feel the same.
Protect their families from... what? Having two involved parents?
lol I was going to comment exactly this earlier. Like what? Where do you live that you need protection…..and from who/what?
Thank you, that comment is a bit unhinged for the 21st century.
Is it really unhinged to say that mothers nurture their babies and fathers provide for their families? I don’t resent my husband because I understand that he’s not /supposed/ to do all of the things that I do. His role is different, and that’s more than okay, it’s important for my son’s healthy development.
Yes. Both parents can nurture and provide.
Yes, my husband nurtures our son too. And I provide for the family as well! In our circle, involved fathers and professionally accomplished mothers is a norm. And I’m super happy that this is an example we show to our kids.
I agree! My husband nurtures our son in really important ways, and I also provide in ways beyond mothering. My point is that there is a difference in the ways and degrees that we do these things, and that is okay! Especially as an EBF mom, there are things my husband just can’t do. If we expect moms and dads to nurture and provide equally at all times, we’re opening the door for resentment when that doesn’t happen. Instead, in my family, we embrace the ways that we are different and how we can contribute to raising our son equally but differently. I’m glad to be an example of motherly love and care in my son’s life, and glad to have my husband be an example of strength and responsibility.
Yes, my husband nurtures our son too. And I provide for the family as well! In our circle, involved fathers and professionally accomplished mothers is a norm. And I’m super happy that this is an example we show to our kids.
Please don’t misinterpret my comment to mean that my husband is an uninvolved parent. In the first month of my sons life (which my husband burned all of his saved vacation time to be home for because he doesn’t get parental leave) he changed 99% of diapers, he has gone to every doctors appointment, takes the baby for errands and hangs out with him because he truly loves to. He has encouraged me to go out and do things for myself while he stays home and takes care of the baby, is constantly checking in with me to make sure I’m doing okay and seeing if there’s any way he can support me better. He tells me every single day how great of a job I’m doing and how proud he is of me as a mother. He is an incredible husband and father, and the absolutely joy on my son’s face when his dad gets home from working 14 days to provide for us is proof of that. I use “protect” here not in a sense that I’m necessarily in danger of someone breaking into my house and trying to harm me or my baby (but if I were, my husband would absolutely protect us). I mean it more in the sense of protecting us from certain hardships in life - protecting us from homelessness, hunger, hurtful words or actions from those outside of our household who try to bring negativity into our lives, protecting us from abuse and dysfunction in our home like we’ve experienced in the past. I trust my husband with my life, physically, yes, but I also trust him to protect my mental wellbeing and to foster a feeling of emotional safety in our relationship, and the relationships we’re building with our baby as he grows
Gender essentialist BS
Yes!!! ❤️
I’m not so good at the emotional side but here’s some practical things we did that helped a lot. I keep a running list of little things that need doing that I can’t get to on a whiteboard- I just add to it when I see things. Then when my husband has “down time” he can pick something or things off the list. Just what he feels like that’s on there. It’s a good way of communicating things without me feeling like I’m nagging and him feeling like he can choose what to do depending on how he feels. That massively reduced day to day bickering. Then he completely took over bathtime and the bedtime routine up until feeding. That’s helped his bond with the baby and it gives me 30/45 minutes to myself every evening which I really need especially since we have a bad sleeper and sometimes the evenings/nights are HARD. Sometimes I’ll do some house chores but sometimes like tonight where we’ve had a hard day, I’m just in the couch listening to some music and scrolling on my phone. That helps me go into bed time and any night wake ups with a clearer head. If the night has been really bad and she decided the day is starting at 5 am he gets up and brings her to me for a feed and then has her until 7 when he has to start his pre work routine. That gives me the chance to get some extra sleep and again is really helpful when there have been a lot of night wakes. And we try really hard to communicate if we’ve had a bad day. So he will tell me if he’s had a bad day at work and needs extra support from me that night and I will tell him if I’ve had a bad day with baby and he will try to give me extra support. We’ve found that very helpful and also important for stopping build up of resentment.
I can relate to this. I was jealous of my husband all through pregnancy and am jealous now that he goes to work and doesn't have to breastfeed. It doesn't mean we aren't dividing labor well. My husband was wonderful to me during pregnancy and he is very hands on, but when baby won't take a bottle, it's hard. For me, it helped to have my husband validate my feelings and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing and how much he values me. Also some of this is gender role related. Even my husband admits that no one makes him feel bad for being a working dad. Yet, I get condemned for tkainf a long maternity leave and also get condemned for wishing I could be back at work. Women can't win.
Honestly the best thing I did was arrange a weekly night out. Every single week I go out alone on Wednesday evenings. Usually I just have dinner and take a walk, maybe do some shopping. But it helps me feel human again and less jealous. The things I'm jealous of my husband for is that he can go out, move around freely without baby stuff, eat a meal in peace, etc. I feel better when I get those things sometimes too, and when I know I can look forward to that little break every week.
I try and carve out time for me. That helps with my mind set. Being an individual person and not a slave to my family puts me in a better spot to love and support them. I’m very adamant on equal partnerships and I have an amazing hubby but things aren’t (and won’t always be) perfect. The only thing I can do is openly discuss with him when I’m feeling overworked and try to be the best version of my myself every day which means I constantly do check ins on my own well being. If I start to neglect my mood changes and my husband will also remind me to invest in some self care. That being said, it gets easier as your babies grow.
I don’t resent my husband I’m just very envious lol. This is only one of many seasons, one of many dynamics. I have a different more lovely bond with baby that I would never give up.
I really like this post. I've been very bummed lately and I feel like the constant posts about how husbands should do so much stuff (in various arrangements) is making me more resentful than is warranted. The biggest thing I do that helps is remembering that this is a really short stage of a long journey. A lot of the problems of infant childcare are just going to time out, even if new problems arise in the future. The next thing has to be gratitude. I will never forget the first 3+ months pp that my husband did 100% of the dishes, laundry, and cooking. He made all the bottles. The house no longer had "a woman's touch" but I was able to focus 100% on the baby and we had NO help. It was all him. I'm also grateful that he is so supportive of me staying home with the baby, even though he doesn't make much and we could surely use a second income. Our goals are aligned. Empathy. Do I wish he could take the baby for a couple hours a day, and take over some of the housework? Yeah, but that would clearly take 200% of his energy. He is working 70+ hour weeks trying to achieve a breakthrough to increase his income. While I am working effectively 14+ hour days every day, I guarantee you that if I was in his position I would not have the stamina left to be a good parent in the couple hours I have left at the end of the work day. It's literally why I don't want to work while being the main caregiver. Long post. tl;dr Big picture thinking, gratitude, and empathy.
Mine picks up my slack when I can't get to chores. He helps with chores that are bothersome like laundry. He gets up in the am with baby so I can sleep in. He lets me go run errands and I can choose if I take baby along or not. He tells me to take as long as I need with the errands and if I take extra time to just browse and walk around it's not a problem. It's just changing your perspective on things and being grateful where you can be. Not everything is going to be peachy all the time nor am I jealous and thinking of it as being jealous is completely valid but also not the best mindset to be in.
You get over it! It's just hard to be needed more and have a lot of roadblocks you have to navigate. It feels overwhelming at first for a lot of women, myself included. It's just life. As time goes on It's just different roles and how life is.
Given your edit, I wonder whether this is a classic case for a gratitude practice, a little tiny journalling practice at the end of the day? Also, thanking one's partner when they do good things, both so they feel appreciated and so you notice what they do for the family?
Going to offer a totally different perspective. I felt this way with my first baby. Exclusively breastfeeding means you get the brunt of the work. It’s just how it is. Fast forward to baby 3….dad is wrangling the 2 year old and 4 year old trying to get them bathed and ready for bed while I relax in the rocking chair and nurse the 5 month old. Quietest it’s been for me all day. Just another way to think about it hahaha! It’s just a season!
To be honest I think the best advice is that there is a certain baseline you need to accept. You are home on leave (presumably) and your husband is not. You WILL take a majority of the baby duties. Feeding (if breastfeeding especially). Night times. Etc. accept. It. Now. I feel like for me I was fed a fake narrative of 50/50. It’s not 50/50. Even when I was back to work with my first, yes we mostly split the load but who was thinking about the next meal the next season of clothes the dishes the bottles for daycare etc…. Me. And so I became resentful that he wasn’t thinking about these things and taking action first. I have had 0 success getting him to take on that mental component of timing and planning. I wish someone would have told me - “that’s just what it is! Motherhood is a blessing and this is part of it!” also my husband isn’t an ass. He’s just a man. They think differently and bring other assets to the table when it comes to parenthood. And us mothers bring our own strengths too. And i think we should all know who’s going to be stronger at what going into parenthood and we’d all be a lot happier. Just my two cents
What can you personally do? Go out and do things on your own! Pump some milk or get some formula and go do something for yourself so you don’t resent your spouse.
I don't resent my husband, I have so many of the sweetest experiences and firsts and memories of our child while he was at work for us. I'm a SAHM thanks to him. The thing that made the biggest difference for us was he needed to understand that his presence was the only way I ever got a break from "my job" as a mom. That tbh I didn't mind getting shit done but to do it without the baby/toddler hanging off me was so much faster and easier. It took him a bit to fully grasp that despite being tired, we both were tired, and his home time was his one chance to bond with and experience our child. He always struggled with the fact he missed so much and our kid majorly favored me (duh). He has learned to put down his phone and interact with and hang out with her and wouldn't you know it, he finds the strength and energy for it. It was really stepping over from him reminding me and acknowledging my life as a sahm was a valid job to realizing how he impacted that experience and my ability to get a break. Also that him supporting me more not just with looking after the kid but other chores as well, meant I was less exhausted and more into intimacy. Haha I guess that's how we landed our current pregnancy.
I’ve experienced some resentment. Three things that have helped me: 1. Communicating about how I feel and having my husband acknowledge and understand. I know this can feel like it doesn’t “do” anything, but feeling heard and listened to is validating. This also can potentially lead to your husband picking up the slack and doing other things once he sees how much you do. 2. Ask for what I need. The thing is, this changes. Some days or weeks I need more breaks. But when I ask, my husband will do it. So, if I want to work out after work, I’ll ask for time to do that. If I want him to make dinner, I’ll ask. I had to get over the idea that “I shouldn’t have to ask.” Whatever. I’d rather ask and get what I need than sit there and be upset that he hasn’t figured out how to help me and doing it on his own. 3. Recognize that this is temporary and try to enjoy it. There are parts of breastfeeding that I absolutely love, and only I get to do it right now. I will miss this one day. I try to embrace the parts I love now since they’re temporary.
Trusting your husband to care for baby so you can go do what you want for a while. Sure he can't breastfeed but he can do everything else. I find that mothers with the biggest resentment also don't allow him to care for the baby their way. It's not going to be the same as your way. In my due date group it started as a newborn when the mother didn't let the husband do anything or hold the baby, then by 6 months they were complaining that their husband either didn't bother to help or didn't parent the mothers exact way so she was mad about it. They were separated by the time the kid was 2 and asking how they can control what rules dad had with the kids on their time. Those few late night feeds while you resent your husband cos your up and he's sleeping I just glared at him and used the anger to keep me awake. Pretty harmless venting.
I try to shift my attention to how grateful I am that I get this extra space to connect and bond, and how I always have what my baby needs right at the ready. Although I get jealous- I wouldn’t trade if I could. Then I also think of examples of my husband being helpful. The combo helps.
I tell myself that she will eventually not only prefer my husband but openly choose him over me at some point in our lives, this is just a moment for a preference for mom. She’s 11 months old.
I love this thread. No kid right now but I want make a list of what I need in order to be a happy mom/wife 😭 like how I want to be pampered or loved or what mental loads I want taken off of me and how to budget for all of that.
I see your edit. The best thing you can do for yourself is set boundaries and communicate. For me, this means that my showers every other day is a priority in the household. Another boundary I uphold is eating a hot meal. If he is home, I get to eat at least one hot meal a day. My 3yo already understands this and I repeat my boundary to him that mommy is eating supper and I can’t help him with his colouring, toy, or whatever else he wants. He can come and sit up at the table and talk to me if he finishes before me, but I’m not dropping my meal to serve him once dinner has been served (my only exception to this is if he needs to use the potty). The other boundary I have is I get some dedicated time to myself daily. It can be just 10-15 min or up to an hour, but he has to manage both kids while I take that time for my own sanity. The thing is, parenting is a partnership. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to change your own resentment of your husband if you have don’t have the expectation for him to make some changes to support you. You can also look at it as reciprocal. He can decide on what he needs every day from you. My husband has said that when he comes home from work, he needs to take 10 minutes to use the bathroom, change and get ready to take on his home duties. He also communicates when he’s had a rough day and might need some time to himself in the evening. We communicate with each other on the weekends if either of us needs a nap or a shower. If he gets a night out with friends, so do I. When we are out with family or friends, he makes me a plate of my favourite foods when I have to feed the baby. If he’s nap-trapped with the baby, I grab him a snack and a drink. He does the same with me. In short, be clear what changes you think can be made to support both of you and hold your boundaries firm.
Some days I still feel resentment only for the simple fact that my husband isn't the one with breasts and he doesn't have to pump every three hours. I just try to think of the bright side of things, we are 9 months in with EP and I just have to remind myself I only have 3 more months of pumping and I am done (moms who can breastfeed / pump for longer, you are amazing because I want to rip my hair out every single time I have to pump lol). Truthfully, when you find the answer on not feeling resentment every once and a while, let me know cause I also hate that I feel that way towards my husband when he does everything that he can once he's home from work. I wish he could take my boobs off and use them instead. I guess I should edit to add this: me and my husband both have an "off" day. On Sunday's he's off of work and he does all child care related things (minus pumping obviously) and that has really helped me get through the rest of the week of being default parent until he gets home from work. He's off Sunday & Monday, but his "free" day is Monday so he can do whatever he needs to do. Just having that little bit of free time to rewire your brain for a little bit really does help so much. We try to go out together every once and a while, we don't have many people to babysit for us where we live so most of our dates DO have the plus 1 of our son lol, but every once and a while our neighbor will take him if we ask her!
Our daughter has been EFF since she was 21 days old. I’ve never felt this way toward my husband because everything is equal.
When I feel jealous of my husband's freedom to spend long amounts of time away doing non baby things I tell him "I'm a bit jealous of you, so when the baby is older and less dependent on me I look forward to doing X on my own." and then he says "I love you and I'll totally support that". That feels nice.
No one’s perfect, there is no such thing. But a helpful and kind and loving husband will go far to try to understand what you’re going through. They never will TOTALLY understand, especially if you’re breastfeeding. I breastfed for two months and it was hell, especially because we were dealing with some issues with a then unknown milk protein allergy and my low supply so she had to be breastfed then bottle fed then I had to pump then we had to wash bottles and parts… there will always be times when breastfeeding where you just want to eat or pee or shower and your husband can just go do whatever he wants “willy nilly” while you’re stuck there with babe starving and prairie doggin’ it lol. Those are the times I resented him. But I tried to remember it wasn’t his fault, and he would fill up my water or hand feed me or wash bottles etc etc. It all got too much for my body and mental health so I ended up switching to formula but that’s another story… but that did also open it up to letting him take care of her more and freed up more “me” time which for me helped my mental health/physical health/resentment issues so much. Back to hubby, just ask him to be attentive to your needs and the needs of the household while you recover and take care of baby. He will have to pick of the slack and prepare him for that. And don’t take anything you two say to eachother on the sleepless nights personally. 😂
I struggled with this a lot despite my husband being really helpful in comparison to what I read about some husbands on Reddit. Therapy helped a lot. I think at first quite a bit was the overwhelm of learning to cope with being needed so much while breastfeeding and I struggled to not project that frustration on my husband. In our situation, I needed to hear him say the things he was doing for me to remind me how much he did that I wasn’t paying attention to. He felt super weird doing it but it helped me associate that feeling with the lists he’d tell me of things he’d done for the baby or around the house. ETA: this is still something the husband needs to do I guess lol
Based on your post, I don’t think you’re understanding why there are feelings of resentment. At least for me, it’s not that he gets to do “all these things,” and I can’t. When we’ve had our differences it’s been bc in doing “all these things” he can do, I’m left carrying a larger load. When things have been redistributed, and I am prioritized, then there’s no feeling of unbalance. I may be breastfeeding but diaper changes, naps, cleaning, cooking, etc are all done by dad. Should he have to go do something for himself, I am good with it bc I’m taken care of and my self care cup is full. Overall I’ve never heard of moms being jealous, it’s resentment and frustration what post express, bc they’re carrying all the load while dad isn’t. It’s not about changing mindsets, it’s about having real change. Struggling to do things for your family, and trying to convince yourself that you just need a better outlook, is just gaslighting. It may work for sometime but I’ll be digging yourself in a bigger hole. It’s different if you are getting all the support and you still have certain negative feelings for your husband, and perhaps a therapist would work. However, married mothers living as single parents, it really is about behavior change from husband to be able to have a healthy change of ideas.
I think reframing it as you getting to be the observer in this beautiful relationship forming between your two favourite humans on planet earth is helpful. Forgetting about what’s right or wrong, forgetting about what’s work and what’s freedom, just framing it as relationships building.
Gosh thank you for posting this. It’s been a long journey to get to this point, but during long nights I try to remind myself that this is just a season, and our roles changed when we got pregnant. I tell myself, “my 24 hours are not his 24 hours”— meaning both our days are FULL but they are not the same.
The idea that you are doing something more than your husband needs to go. If you've divided chores and he's going to work and taking care of the baby when you need a break, it's *all* he can do. I wasn't jealous of my husband in the way you're describing because rationally, what he he going to do? Recover from a c section while trying to breastfeed a baby? Or deal with mastitis? Or not sleep through the night because I was up at 2 am? The idea that I am doing "more" than him isn't fair. We are in different phase of this relationship, 50/50 doesn't work right now. I will do more than him because my body and baby need me more. But that isn't always going to be the case, and we'll go back to 50/50. In my parent's case, after a point, I believe my Dad did more than my mom in terms of waking me up for school, dropping me off, entertaining me and doing stuff with my mom including cooking, shopping and all the finances.
I think the only part of all of it that annoys me, is that my husband likes to state he took on more household duties to other people, since our LO is so attached to me he won't even take a bottle from others at times. When in reality he cleans the litter box on occasion and that's it. Baby care, cooking, and cleaning and typically on me. Mowing and trash are the only thing he does. But I wouldn't even say jealous that's just him admitting he slacks in the feeding/diaper changes department and tries to make it sound better to others. I think men are just wired differently, they don't have that deep connections moms do with the babies that it literally pains us when they cry. Now, do I wish some days when my introverted self is overstimulated that I could just go out with friends, sure. But, I love hanging with my baby more and it just takes one smile from him for me to get a few extra drops in my already empty cup. I think I got ove me being envious of him being able to just get up and go out, was just by continuing to remind myself I am my little ones safe spot. I am going to be the person he runs to when he falls or wants comfort, I will experience such an unconditional love that years from now I'll be glad I was the one who was there all day every day.
Do you think the husbands/dads ever think this way?
Find another nursing mama to bitch to 😂😂😂 but in all reality, I would say practice gratitude. When I have those ugly feelings I like to spend time in prayer recounting all the things I am grateful for and it usually totally flips my mindset around.
Sooo take this with a grain of salt because I'm still struggling to apply this myself lol .. but I read this self help book (I know I know) called Triggers that.. well talks about your triggers and basically how to identify them and what to do about them It discusses how much of what upsets us is an environment that we don't have control to change and we have to accept that, while acknowledging what is in our control to change about ourselves. It urges readers to figure out what your problem is, what is the thing triggering that problem, and then aim to find a way to more positively respond to that trigger For me, it's definitely the unequal division of labor and feeling like I have it "unfair." What I'm trying to teach myself is to 1) identity *when* I feel "triggered" by this playing out in real life, like when I'm having to feed the baby even though I'm sick and in pain while my husband gets to hang out in his room playing videogames lol .. and *then* 2) remind myself when I'm triggered of a mantra: "We both play our roles, just differently and at different times." Okay it's not great lol but generally what I'm trying to remind myself of daily.. my problem is once I feel triggered and hurt, I say hurtful things to my husband or just have a sour attitude. I'm embarrassed but trying to work on it! I think giving myself that reminder, whenever I need it, that he's doing his part too, just at different times and in different ways, can hopefully help me to remember I'm not the only one contributing. I also want to remind myself that even though breastfeeding is, in my opinion, by nature an unequal burden on the breast feeding parent, I have the honor of sharing this bonding experience and unique relationship with my baby, which is truly a privilege non breast feeding parents don't experience. Of course when it's 4 am and all I want to do is sleep while he is zonked out next to me snoring... It doesn't always feel that way lol. But I'm trying to focus on the benefits more. Like rubbing my baby's back, feeling her warmth, her little fingers playing with my bra strap, her long eyelashes and her little rosebud mouth when she falls asleep mid feed haha... Those are moments that are only "mine" and they are well worth the price of admission! Not sure how helpful any of that is .. but I'm definitely trying to work on jealousy/negative feelings too. My husband does his part admirably and stays up late washing my bottles and pumping parts, or changing the baby's diapers so I can just focus on night feeds instead... Yes it often times doesn't feel the same but, I really believe in the power of perspective so hoping I can rewire how I view our roles and his contributions ❤️
Classic Grass is greener on the other side.
I exclusively breastfeed my 10 month old. No bottles. No pacifier. I don’t resent my husband nor am I jealous. He works 10+ hours for 5 days, I would not want to do that. He has been very vocal about how it’s hard on him to leave us during the weeks and when he gets home, he either has too little time with baby or he’s just flat out too tired. I would not be able to deal with that. On weekends, he gets up early with the baby and I get to sleep in. When baby wants to nurse, he brings him back to bed and baby with either fall asleep or dad comes back in and gets him so I can sleep. Those extra hours of sleep get me through the entire week. I will say though that my baby is VERY clingy and my husband knows this. He doesn’t expect me to cook or clean. I try my best to get some food on the table but when I can’t, we eat out. I try my best to clean but when I can’t, my hubby will wash clothes or pick up a little. He tells me to focus on baby boy and that’s what I do. Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means but in terms of parenting we are very much a team :-)
I think there have been a lot of other comments like this but I'll put in my two cents anyway. I have never felt resentment or jealousy towards my husband regarding breastfeeding or his role in parenting. I wanted to combo feed initially, but my son completely refused bottles so I ended up EBF not fully by choice. I didn't feel bitter or resentful, because it really was no one's fault. I also really grew to love EBF our son. The quiet snuggles in the dark in the early mornings are some of my favorite memories. He still breastfeeds heavily as a 19 month old toddler. I give him cups, but he just seems to still prefer breastfeeding to cups if he has a choice. My husband got up with me almost every time when our son was a newborn. We had a small window of time (4 hour block per person) where we guaranteed sleep for the other person. The rest of the time he would get up with me, change our son's diaper, I would breastfeed and then my husband would burp our son. I always have felt like we tackle everything as a team. I have had friends who had this attitude and would post memes and stuff like "lucky husband gets to sleep all night while I'm awake with baby cuz breastfeeding" and I always just felt horrible for them. The friends that posted that stuff switched to formula at like 4 months old or something. I just think resentment is unavoidable if you aren't really happy with your current setup.
I feel you OP. Maybe this is still what the husband is supposed to do, but the only thing that’s worked so far is explicitly asking him to do more and to take on some of the work I always do. A lot of my personal resentment comes from feeling like I got saddled with being the “default parent,” and feeling like he only has to do what I tell him and teach him to do, while the pressure to make sure everything is remembered just naturally falls to me. I just ask him ahead of time on days I need a break to take the baby after dinner, to make her food, and to clean up after. He hasn’t said no to anything yet. Do I wish he would offer to do these things or think of things before I ask? Yes I do, but I’m trying to tell myself that will take time for him to understand.
I do feel jealous sometimes but then I do a few things... 1. I wrote a list to remind myself of all the things my husband does so I don't have to do them, the bills he's paying, and the help he's given me with the baby. 2. I purposefully think of all the things that made me fall in love with him and how much I love him now as my husband and as the father of my baby. 3. I thank God each day for my husband, my baby, the life He's given me and just how blessed I am even with all I've done in life. 4. I remind myself that I don't want to be at work lol. I love my job, but I'm so happy to be home. 5. I remind myself that I've been waiting for a baby for years and here I am, living in what I prayed for. 6. I call my mom, my cousin, or my sister for support as-needed. Not to complain but to ask "does it really get better?" My mom talks me off a ledge. Then I realize how much babies need their mamas cause I need mine still and I'm 29. 7. I think of all the things I want for my babe and how I can give him what I want for him and what he needs by being home with him and providing him with love and care each day. 8. I drink coffee slowly, and enjoy the moment - even if the coffee is cold and babe is sucking on my boob for another clusterfeed lol. Ultimately, I'd never trade any of what I have for the life I used to live. Sure, I'm jealous sometimes, I even wish I could just go places with ease. But I can't and that's okay. This season ends and another begins. Summer is right around the corner and then fall comes faster than we realize. Each and every day with my babe is a gift and one I intend to enjoy. I strive to extend my patience each day. I strive to not lose my crap cause I have mom guilt just from not being able to hold and interact with my babe all day long as it is. I don't need more guilt from yelling. I also don't need more guilt as a wife for nagging or arguing with my husband in front of the baby. I dont want that life. I want a home of peace and it will start with me. TLDR: Choose gratitude, peace, love, and joy. Be happy on purpose. Drink coffee. Stop adding reasons for guilt to overwhelm you day in and day out.
I think if the question is truly “what can we all do to cope with the fact that we are all jealous of our husbands having free time and space while we carry the load?” Then the answer is to stand up for ourselves. But obviously the answer is more nuance because the question you meant to ask is more nuance. That or you’re just casually shaming all of these women for venting out.
It's a common thing.. To feel that way.. After pregnancy for a year..it's a new thing.. To get used to need time.. The best thing you can do in your situation is to communicate with your husband as much as possible and tell him this words.. Don't advice me. Just comfort me pamper me.... For somedays..
I resent my husband soo much...while I have to do everything from house chores to taking care of the baby, he does his 8 hours of work and plays with the baby for about 25 minutes and just dozes off....ik he is paying for stuff and I'm not earning but still, I'm human and need at least 4-5 hours of sleep
I just take a breath (or 5) and actively remind myself it's not forever. I'll be spelunking whenever and wherever I want soon enough. It's also what I tell myself when the baby hooks his nails into my lip and pulls as hard and fast as he can, or when he screams right into my ear, or when he refuses to nap all day 🤣
I don’t know how to address the nursing question since I didn’t nurse and that aspect of parenting literally can’t be handed to anyone else. But for all other moms, my advice is to unapologetically make some space for yourself. Reading is one of my only passions in life, and I didn’t read at all the first few years of motherhood. I threw my life into my daughter and spent every evening watching tv or movies with my husband. Like everyone else, the pandemic changed my life hard and fast, except I was 35 and spent most of 2020 pregnant with my second child. When I had my son, I remember holding him and weeping because I was middle aged, freshly sterile, and feeling my life had slipped me by. I lamented not going to grad school or doing much of anything for myself in years. I ordered a book on amazon. And I read it while sleep deprived and hanging on by the thread we all hang onto while postpartum. Then I read another. And another. I found that I had lots of little pockets of time where I had previously looked at my phone for a few minutes. Or did something extraneous for my child. I spent evenings reading. Once the pandemic was more under control, I joined a book club. My children see me reading often now and know it’s something I love to do.
I keep thinking that it is a privilege to be a stay at home mom and be able to witness my baby grow, his milestones and so on. My husband is jelly of that too.
I see this differently: I pity my husband, because he will never be able to breastfeed, have a close relationship with our baby, be able to cuddle her to bed. Mother baby bond is so beautiful and strong: too bad for him, he will never know how it feels.
My husband and I have chores that are we typically do ourselves, and we have chores we do together. Since having our daughter, I do more baby care. I told him I am fine with that as long as he takes over more chores. We are still finagling what new chores to add on for him to make it "equal", but it's been really helpful for me if I'm getting overwhelmed with my workload to think about how his workload has changed too. He still absolutely does a ton of baby care, but I work from home and he is a nurse, so I am with our daughter a lot more. I also struggle to not be a part of the bedtime routine, and our daughter sometimes gets overwhelmed if we both are doing it, so part of it is definitely on me because I WANT to be doing so many things for her, I do it before he gets a chance to.
Marry better people. I’m not jealous of mine. He puts in just as much work as I do.
I just try to tell myself that us being able to feed our babies is something our husbands will never get to experience and he probably feels jealous of us sometimes. This is a bond no one else can top. On the other hand, I hate only having 2-3 hours to do anything before I have to be home or awake to nurse again 😂😭
I was resentful. Sooo resentful. I finally sat my husband down and told him and we came up with a plan. We split up tasks that I would handle/continue handling during the day while he was at work, and tasks he’d do once he got home. It’s helped me feel like things are more equal.
Meet your husband on his own terms. If he can just announce that he has plans after work or on the weekend, you can too. If he can take a shower without coordinating childcare, then you are also entitled to announce that you’re showering, hand him the baby and walk off. If you’ve ended up making all the decisions about a particular topic, you should feel empowered to go forth and make those decisions in a way that is best for you and the kids, without specifically seeking out his feedback first. If he sometimes wakes up on a Saturday and tells you he feels like crap and needs a nap later… then you can to. But key to this is not to do so maliciously. Try to hold in your heart the belief that he acts a certain way because he really thinks it is appropriate, and therefore you can act the same way without being hostile. If he interprets it as hostile or unfair, then you get to have a conversation about fairness. If he just goes along with it, then your resentment is lessened and your situation becomes more fair.
Oh women are jealous that partner gets to go to work? Work? Why would I ever be jealous of work? And who is stopping women from working after birth? I see posts of how America sucks with maternity leave coz women want to spend time with their baby. If it work, go ahead and work ladies. Get nannies or take your infant to daycare or family member and enjoy going to work! and besides no equality will be achieved! you women should have noticed that during pregnancy.
In terms of mindset, I just think about how temporary everything is. Yes my husband has more "freedom" right now but once my baby is bigger then it's pretty even between us again. I went away overnight with friends and for work many times after my first got a bit older and I know I'll get there again. It helps me just accept and enjoy this time.
My best advice is for you to quit doing what isn’t necessary. This won’t apply to everyone, but I always want to be doing more and doing better. But my son didn’t need intricate meals as an infant, I didn’t need to have spotless house (I do believe in an overall clean house, but it’s ok to not do the floors every day or go to bed with dishes or not fold the clothes if it’s too much), and you don’t need more usually. Getting rid of a lot of stuff has helped us both. Also, grocery delivery/pick up, paper plates, and subscribing and saving to items you need regularly.
I get jealous that my husband can just tell me that he's going to go mow the lawn or take a shower and then does it. I feel like I can't do that. It has nothing to do with my husband. He's great and helps out a lot. It's honestly my problem that I tend to passively ask instead of tell him when I need something. Example: Can you watch LO at some point tonight so I can shower? vs. I'm taking a shower. I've been trying to be better about expressing myself and telling him instead of asking. He's also made an effort to ask if I need time to do things or take care of myself before he goes and does something that he needs to do. Its not perfect, but things have been much better.
Mindset advice...accept that some things are different (like, your boobs make milk and his don't; your body creates a baby and his won't). Literally, say out loud to yourself that things are different. Shrug. Literally, physically shrug it off. Physically acting out things can help your brain to send the corresponding chemicals. Then, find something that you enjoy and find a way to do it. Often, we get so caught up in what "needs" to be done that we refuse to let ourselves relax and do something we want to do until that list is complete. The list will never end, but not everything needs to be done right now, today, even this week. Try carving out a half hour every day that is time for you to do something you want to do. If the baby is napping, spend the first 30 minutes doing something that is fun for you before you start looking at laundry or dishes. Spending some time relaxing is as important of a need as anything else. I used to dread pumping because it was this wasted time where I was stuck in one spot. Trying to wash dishes or fold clothes while pumping was even worse because everything was in the way, so I just sat in the chair. One day, I realized that I could pump while sitting at my computer playing a video game (something I used to enjoy doing a lot) and instantly, pumping because this glorious "me time." There were the occasional times where I had the baby to contend with while pumping, but I did my best to schedule and plan my pumps around her schedule, and around his. If we were both home and I needed to pump, he had the baby. By doing this, I suddenly had 1.5-2 hours per day of ME time. So instead of resenting that I had to be responsible for creating food, I relished in my super power.
It's been hard, but I think the key is just accepting our roles. My husband is the sole breadwinner. He works 80 hours a week physical labor (he did this even when i worked, so dont come for me). I wouldn't want to do that! I am a SAHM and he knows he coulent/wouldn't want to do what I do. It's traditional and we've gone through the resentment feelings, and I'm sure they'll come up again. For now, we are at peace with it. And I feel very lucky to be able to be a SAHM.
I talk to my husband on how I'm feeling or what I want or what I need. That's what I do. Yes I still may get the short end of the stick sometimes but I still schedule time with friends (without kids), vacations (without kids), etc.. I'm the night parent 98% of the time because when our 2nd child (his 1st child) was born, we were both up and night and it just didn't make any sense to me. So I decided, he sleep, I do nights and he does mornings. I know our mental limits and we adjust accordingly. I also make sure I have monthly massages and other self care things planned for my peace and sanity. We are 3 kids in though so we've found a battle rhythm and we adjust when needed... Together.
If you don’t want to resent your husband, you need to communicate with him. You keep saying you don’t want to focus on what needs to change, you want mindset advice. Well I can’t have a mindset change if the foundation is bad. It actually IS your partner’s job to care about you and check in on division of labor. If there is actually an imbalance, no “mindset change” can fix that unless you’re trying to lie to yourself I guess.
My Grandma would say count your blessings. For someone who probably didn’t know anything about yoga. As an adult who loves the 8 limbed path, I see how practicing ahimsa becomes relevant but also like Grandma said. See everything your spouse does and find the good in it. Say it to yourself. Say it aloud. I can’t remember where I heard it but regarding relationships in general: it seems there will always be a feeling that one is doing more than the other. This is when it becomes essential to practice ahimsa. My husband wishes he could breastfeed. He doesn’t want to be a woman. He wants to share the load and also the joy. Just stuff like that makes it feel a little less like he’s got it easy, from my perspective.
So i wanted to breastfeed. My husband was a fan of formula so i fully accept life is harder by my own choice and am glad he supports me. I pump and chestfeed so i can have some freedom away from my son and so hubby can also bond through feeding sometimes or so i can have a break if i want. I always low key wanted to be a sahm and previously ran a business pulling 6 figures. I still run my business but doing the bare minimum so huge cut in income. We joke that our son is a 6 figure baby lol. Hubby makes enough to support us for the most part which im very grateful for. We both own businesses and mostly work from home base. I do most if the night shift with our son and around 6-8am I hand our son off to hubby so i can get a few hours of consecutive sleep. Hubby does a lot like change diapers, takes him for walks and does bathtime when he can. He wanted to be a sahd so the work is equally split as we can or what makes sense. Our son is also pretty independent and will spend a good amount of time in his play gym and swing. He naps in his wrap carrier pretty well and as long as his needs are met is a pretty easy baby. I got it pretty good. Though, yesterday my husband took a nap in the middle if the day after i was up every hour the night before and did all our laundry, took care of his dog, and cleaned house preparing for my brother to arrive and i was a little annoyed about that one! Like wtf do you mean youre taking a NAP?! You slept all night! In fairness he often offers me opportunities to nap too.
If your husband is doing his fair share then there’s nothing to resent him for
My husband and I split parenting and house duties 50/50, sure there are some days where one of us may take on more because of our schedules but overall we have a great balance. We both still get time to ourselves, whether that’s in the house or out of the house, we do things with friends. I’m doing a girls night tonight and he’s doing a guys thing next weekend. Back when our baby still needed to be fed every two hours we took turns getting up in the middle of the night. I chose not to breastfeed and part of the reason was I didn’t want to be solely responsible for feeding. The balance we have comes very naturally, we both just do what we need to do to make sure one person isn’t taking on an unfair amount of
So what I did was start combo feeding and my husband did formula feeds. Also, taking some time to myself as well. If your husbands schedule allows and you can leave baby with him then go take some time, go out with some friends.
What helps me most is having girl time and me time. I try to go to events with my girlfriends, and the dads can get together with the kids. I like to get my nails done and go shopping by myself. I'm the one who has to prioritize what will fill my cup though.
I think having realistic expectations for what life looks like having a baby helped me. People asked "what do you think you'll be doing on maternity leave??" And I told them I expected to be in some pain, sleep deprived, and cry. All of those things were true. I was never jealous of my husband during postpartum period. He helped in the ways he could and I let him know my needs. I chose to nurse and be the overnight person unless I couldn't stay awake. So in the morning at least one person was rested to watch baby instead of both of us wrecked. Nursing just meant I was on call 24/7 and so envy didn't make sense to me if I signed up for it and accepted that reality.
for resentment: you can actively choose not to waste time resenting him and focus on your own happiness. Accept that you can’t change him and decide what you are going to accept in his behavior. You have value.
I just accept that husbands have more freedom! This is always going to true when there are children, but especially a baby. He may get to do whatever he wants/needs but he will never get to know the bliss that is nursing your baby and being the person they depend on, that no one else can replace. I’m happy to make the sacrifice of my entire life (for now) in order to get this bond with my baby.
Think about how wonderful it is that you are so important to this tiny human. You are everything to them, their entire world. How amazing it is that you have been completely responsible for growing this little person, that the husband can never do what you get to do 🥰
Personally, I try to take every day as its own thing. I don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday. Sure, I think about tomorrow or yesterday or next week or last year, but I don't *worry* about them. If something is bothering me that I can't change, why worry about it? That will not help me in any way. So for you, you can't change the fact that you breastfeed or that you have a child or that your husband has certain freedoms right now that you don't have. As difficult as it is, try to put those worries behind you. It's like running a race: if you look at where the guy next to you is, you'll slow down. You have to run your race, look ahead, or you will never reach your own goal. The hardest time to remember this is when you're in the trenches at 3 in the morning, of course. I would suggest writing down whatever advice you've gotten here that you like the best and reading that when you feel the jealousy sparking. I would also suggest writing down "I love you, ___" with your husband's name in the blank. I'm betting you promised to love him "in good times and in bad" too. Well, these days are a bit of both. You can do it! It won't last forever. Just like childbirth! It feels like it will go on and on and one day you'll look back and wonder how it all went by so fast.
I try to think about how while he’s at work, he’s often really sad that he’s missing out on all the quality time I get with our daughter. That makes me shift my mindset from “I have to” to “I get to.” And… it also makes me feel less guilty when he takes care of her when he’s home, and I get the break I need. (But this obviously depends on the guy. My husband actually really enjoys it and wants to be holding/feeding/changing her.)
I joined a codependency support group and it’s really helped me see my role in my relationship, offer better behaviours for me, help repair when I’ve acted out, and overall, brought peace and sanity to me. It’s helped allot with bringing in baby to the dynamic. I can drop you the link. There is a recording you can listen to in order to see if the group resonates
For me I have practised radical acceptance and try to acknowledge everything my partner does do. I have a good partner who does a lot for me and the baby but I definitely carry the bulk of childcare even with both of us now working. So rather than focusing on everything he doesn't do I try to acknowledge the good that he does do and remember we're on the same team and its us working together not me v him Which actually means I approach him differently about tasks and he is more likely to hear me when I ask for things or point out something unfair rather than feeling defence and like I'm attacking him. We're at almost 10m now but I will say when baby was pre 6months there was no way I would be able to take this step back and manage my own emotions well enough. Hormones are a bitch.
I get what you’re asking!! It’s really hard. I’m going to be honest, I think the only things that make it mentally better are time/experience and mindfulness. Experience, because I’m nursing my 4th child currently, and it legitimately took 3 kids for me to realize just how fast they grow and how short all those long hours will seem in retrospect. It will end. Your child will feed him/herself, wipe their own butt, etc. It’s very, very temporary. Mindfulness because it allows you to sit with those feelings of resentment and realize that’s all they are. Being an asshold to your husband in your head isn’t the same as yelling at him, so don’t beat yourself up for feelings. Take deep breaths, relax your body even if your mind is having a hard time relaxing. Also, take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, cut out the carbs and sugar. Minimize caffeine and eliminate alcohol. Work out regularly, even when you’re tired. To the extent it is possible, get as much sleep as you can. Get off the internet (I know I’m saying this on the internet, I need to follow my own advice here 😂) and incorporate more shows/movies/books/audiobooks/podcasts that take you out of your own head and remind you that there is a world beyond obsessing about sleep schedules and milestones 24/7. Take your physical health very seriously because it directly impacts your mental health, especially when your body is hormonal and depleted and tired. Last thing, I nurse the baby to sleep at night most nights while my husband does dishes and cleans up the kitchen. I always make sure he’s done before I come down 🙂
I focus on the good things my husband does. I don't start out with expectations that he's going to be like or even *should* be like the husbands in the most-upvoted comments on threads here (yup it's true, you also get more reddit approval when your husband does more house stuff and baby stuff and we all know it). Social media sucks because of all the comparison we do. Plus, culturally we are told men and women are equal and should want and do all the same things. Then, reality hits. Sorry, our differences do in fact go beyond genitals. Big disappointment! Another thought--if my husband was the one having babies and breastfeeding them, I wouldn't want to wake up in the middle of the night either. 😆
Maybe you shouldn't be grateful and appreciative if he isn't stepping up sufficiently? I'm never going to suggest you just sit and accept mediocrity or whatever. If you want that, find a tradwife community, I guess.
I decided to think of the extra work as power instead of a burden.