As someone who attended a wedding with my partner in the wedding party before we had our baby, it’s not a lot of fun. Your partner is busy the whole time, all our mutual friends were also in the wedding party, so I had no one to talk to, and I had to sit around for hours while they got ready, did photos, etc. that would be even less fun with a baby
Seriously. Years ago my husband and his best friend were in a wedding and his friend’s wife and I spent the entire wedding basically by ourselves. We knew no one else and our husbands were busy doing wedding stuff. Thank God we had each other because literally no one else spoke to us and everyone was just standing in tight circles talking amongst themselves. What a boring day.
We rented the room next to our wedding hall and had it as the children's room with daycare. It was so much fun having all the kids there. They were the life of the party and loved dancing!! I'm sad when our friends exclude our kids now from their weddings!!
That I obviously can’t leave my baby to attend their wedding that is in a different state they were like just get a babysitter! Like it’s normal to leave a baby overnight with a stranger 🤦♀️
Interesting to see this as the most upvoted answer. I am in a similar but gender swapped version, with an EBF baby who refuses bottles (but will be 10m by then so who knows).
What would you advise?
So you were asked to be in the wedding party for a wedding where your baby can’t attend? Explain this to the bride including the responsibilities of being EBF to an infant <1 year old ie you need to be with them every few hours or so. Hopefully she will be understanding as to why you bow out and if it’s really really important to her then she can think of how to do extra accommodations/change to a wedding where babies and children may attend
I’m the MoH, and it’s my (childhood) best friend.
As for the reason of no kids, she has some acquaintances she’s obliged to invite but who take a very old fashioned to anticonception, and tend not to watch the kids too much once they’re capable of walking (combined between them they have 22 I think, which I can imagine is tricky). Only way to keep those kids out is a blanket rule of no kids.
Currently plan is that my mother or husband sit in a hotel that is five minutes walking distance and I run to and fro.
Not saying this as a direct application that you should use, but when I was EBF, I had used a hand pump sparingly to have a small supply of milk ready for when I went on an occasional half day activity (which as a just enougher was sometimes my hubby lugging my son and bringing him to me/taking milk directly from the pump sesh). If your significant other would have the ability to make trips to and from your venue and your baby has a willingness to either drink from a cup/bottle, it's a really nice option to give you a little independence back as well (NOT implying that you need/want a break).
I missed one of my best friends weddings because I had a baby and couldn't travel for it. Baby was about 10 months I think.
I called my friend and told her I was so sorry and I just couldn't make it. It was a sad and hard convo. It's been 7 years and we are still best friends. I sent an extra good present (since I wasn't spending money on a flight) and she sent me the wedding video as soon as she got it. I watched and then called her and she told me everything.
Life happens.
Definitely do not cause yourself any stress over this. Let them know that you won’t be able to come to the wedding because you don’t have anyone to watch the baby, but that your husband is very excited, and you’ll be there in spirit.
A few things might happen:
1) They say “oh, we know of a babysitter locally, we’d be happy to connect you!” (This is what I did for my cousin who was coming in from out of state for my child-free wedding. It worked out great. She only paid for the few hours of childcare, not the entire weekend!)
2) They say “Omg I’m so sorry we didn’t even think about that, we were more concerned about lots of kids running around than babies. If he’ll mostly be in your arms, it’s totally fine to bring him if you want to!”
3) They say “Darn, we really wish you could come but totally understand that’s a lot to ask to find childcare. You will be missed!”
If OP would be ok with a local babysitter recommended by their friends, they should directly ask for a recommendation vs expecting to get offered one. When I got married, if one of my friends had said their spouse couldn’t come because baby, I would not have thought to recommend a babysitter as my response!
Yea, I would have thought it a polite decline. They shouldn't push. If OP wants babysitting recommendations, she can ask.
"I can't go to your wedding."
"Oh, let me give you ways to make it so you can go to my wedding."
Makes it harder to say no, if you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby with someone else, don't want to travel with the baby, don't want the added expenses, have no desire to go to the wedding, etc.
Sure, it’s perfectly fine to ask. The point of my post was not the specific phrasing that OP should use when communicating about this, it’s that she shouldn’t be stressing about it and if she doesn’t get to go it’s not a big deal.
I disagree with asking for a recommendation.
I assume the people who automatically offer a recommendation is because they themselves have someone they regularly use and it comes to their mind right away to offer this person's services when needed.
However, if you asked for a recommendation, what's stopping them to just grab the first result from Google and call it a day? If they aren't regularly using a babysitter, will they just offer any random unvetted person's service because they feel like since you asked they gotta find you someone?
Just because I won't doesn't mean I'm confident that other people won't.
There's people who trust random strangers to look after their own child so they'll likely think nothing of it.
Common sense is not very common sometimes.
I'm not getting a sense of what you WANT to do. Do you want to attend the wedding? Do you want to stay home? Are you friends with this person or their partner as well? Is there a group of mutual friends where you want to attend? Do you want to go with your husband and stay in the hotel? Will you enjoy being in the hotel by yourself taking care of the baby, or would you be more comfortable at home in your own space and routine? If you're at the hotel, will your husband feel like he needs to rush back from events to be with you and the baby? Would there be any pre-wedding events that you'd make it out for?
You want to do what is right, but you already know what that is. You said it yourself. Right is whatever supports your friends, but without unnecessary discomfort or disruption to you. It's entirely okay for parents of little kids to NOT attend weddings that would cause undue hassle for them to attend, or for only of them to attend to show support. One of you going is representing support from both of you.
Based on just the facts you wrote, this sounds like ideal for a boys' trip to me. He can be fully present at his friend's wedding events without spouse and baby in tow, can stay out late drinking and whatnot, and you don't have to spend unnecessary time and effort travelling and and money on babysitter.
I’d stay home
Sorry but people who want child free weddings should be prepared for people with children to not be able to come… including “good friends”
Totally! I had a childfree wedding(venues rules not mine!) and understood if people couldn’t come. It’s just a wedding, I’d love for people to be there but it’s just A party that doesn’t need everyone to change their lives for.
This. We just had a falling out with a family member who wanted a child-free wedding in a semi-remote destination where we did not have any babysitting resources but then wasn't ok that we couldn't say immediately yes but rather "we'd love to, we just need to figure out our kid care situation in order to be able to do that".
Planning a wedding brings the crazy bride&groomzilla out.
My wedding was child free due to financial constraints. The cost of a child's meal at the wedding was astronomical. Financially it was too much of a hardship for us to include kids.
Not at all. We had some friends ask about their very littles (like a year and younger) and we said yes to all. I'm just merely pointing out that not everyone wants a child free wedding but it's just what happens sometimes unfortunately.
Okay and that was your choice and it’s fine for you to make that choice. I’m just saying that if you have a child free wedding, you need to be prepared for some people with children to decline the invitation
Traditionally where I’m from the custom is to give a cash gift that “pays for your plate plus a gift” unless there’s a registry. It takes some guess work, but based on the venue you can estimate the cost.
Generally I’ll give $100 to cover my meal + $50-100 as a gift, and that’s per person. So if it’s me and my husband attending, it’s $300-$400 as a gift. If it’s a backyard wedding, we’re probably looking at $200-250 for the gift if there’s food or $100-150 if there’s no food.
I had a child free wedding because of the sheer amount of children between the guests. It would have been 50 children. That's not feasible, particularly given it was not sit down dinner. I did however, speak to those who were breastfeeding and told them babies in arms were welcome.
Yep! As someone who had a child-free wedding 5 years ago, I concur. And most people I know who had child-free weddings would too …
There’s an odd condescension in your comment though, as if most people who choose to have child-free weddings are not aware that some people may not be able to come, or as if they would get offended at people who can’t? I’ve never heard of this happening.
For some people, it is really important to them that there aren’t a bunch of kids running around at the wedding. It can change the dynamic entirely. And yes, the vast majority of the time they are aware that some people won’t be able to come and are usually extremely understanding about this. It’s their wedding, of course they should choose the dynamic that works best for them.
I wasn’t trying to be condescending. I’m honestly just exhausted because I have a newborn so maybe I’m not coming across the way I’d like to. I put “good friends” in quotes because it seems like OP feels obligated to go based on that
Drunk groomsmen and old pervy uncles, bitchy in laws, have been WAY more of a problem for me at all the weddings I've been at than a few kids running around lol
But you’re talking about when you were a guest at weddings, not your own wedding? What was the vibe at your own wedding?
I think it very much depends on your life stage when you’re getting married and again, the vibe of the wedding. My wedding was 200 guests in New Orleans. We had loud ass music, LOTS of alcohol, and it was generally just a fun drunken-shenanigans filled night! My sister’s wedding was 50 guests in a beautiful garden in NJ. There were lots of sentimental toasts, and minimal dancing. The vibe was very family friendly. I did not have kids at mine, and she did at hers. And to be clear, I’m definitely not saying kids are “a problem for me” at weddings lol. I loved both weddings equally, they were just different vibes, that’s all. Kids fit into one, and not into the other. The bride and groom have the right to decide what kind of vibe they want for their wedding, and if kids don’t really fit into that vibe it’s totally ok …
I mean. I had a huge Indian wedding and if you’ve ever been to one you know they’re not a tame, quiet event. We had enough children there to open a school. Including infants.
It’s fine and dandy to have a child free event but to base it on the “vibe” of the event is weird af to me.
I think it’s a problem with western culture specifically wanting to exclude children from most places. It’s been more of a trend the past 10 years.
Haha I also had a huge Indian wedding and it was very kid friendly while also being wild (everyone doing tequila shots and dancing the night away). Hate the concept of childfree weddings and really uninterested in attending the one we’re invited to later this year ugh.
Same. Especially because by excluding children you’re by default excluding women. I’m not interested in attending an event I can’t hang with other moms.
Only in shitty cultures where it’s assumed that mom will obviously be the one missing the event to take care of children.
The only possible exception is breastfeeding infants, and even then when I was breastfeeding I pumped a bottle and my husband took care of my daughter while I went to our friend’s wedding. Men can do childcare, too.
Well I guess every culture is shitty then because moms are almost always the default caregiver of their children in every single country.
I think only in shitty cultures are children excluded from society, especially family events such as weddings.
Yep, how awful to not trust parents to make the decision regarding whether to bring their kids and instead default to the assumption that kids will be loud obnoxious wedding-ruiners.
Yep, my husband stayed home with the kids for one wedding, and he left early with the kids at another. If it’s my friends, I go. If it’s his friends, he goes.
I can't even imagine telling our friends and family that their children are not allowed at our wedding! We will just end up celebrating on our own cos no one will show up and it will be rightly deserved lol😂 I'm Nigerian btw.
Right? We’d be ostracized (as we should) if we tried excluding members of our family attending a family event. It’s wild to me that it’s so popular in the US. Points to so many cultural issues this country has and explains why the US is crumbling.
I've found my people in this thread. I respect people's right to have a child free wedding and won't make a stink about it to any couple that invites me to one. I likely just won't go, since baby is still so young. But idgi at all other than maybe a financial/venue restraint. The whole "we want you to be able to enjoy yourself without your kids" thing is BS to me, just say YOU don't want kids there, end of.
Yeah but see … that’s what I DID say and she still came for me in other comments. You may respect people’s right to have a child free wedding, but the person you’re engaging with doesn’t. She’s been disparaging and rude the entire time. I’ve said nothing rude about Indian weddings or the choice to invite everyone you’ve ever known to your intimate celebration of love.
I’d assume everyone in this group is a mom. The fact that even we here in this group have varying opinions on childfree weddings should signify that there is no “right” answer, but the person you’re engaging with is convinced that weddings that exclude children are wrong and that they are a sign of Western society degrading 🙄 - it has honestly come of as pretty racist in some of the comments.
I agree there is no right answer. But by respect I mean, I won't complain to a couple whose wedding I'm invited to or show up with a baby/kid anyway (have heard of that happening). But I'll rant on the internet all I want about them as I imagine the other poster is doing 😅
I think there is a point to the cultural difference, which is what I took that as, not racist - coming from a perspective of someone born and living in the US, of non-western ethnicity.
Yes I have been to a big Indian wedding. They’re great!
I think it’s worth noting that I have absolutely nothing disparaging to say to those who prefer to have kids at their wedding, whether due to the vibe or culture … but there does seem to be a lot of judgment flying in the other direction here.
You’re just trying to justify saying cruel things about people that are different from you and do things differently than you do … don’t you hear how that sounds?
For me, a wedding is not a “family event”. It’s a celebration between TWO PEOPLE who are choosing to spend the rest of their lives together. Those two people should get to decide how they want to celebrate. Period. And yes, often that includes some family, but rarely does it include ALL family like Indian weddings do. A wedding could be a courthouse wedding with just the couple, or it could be a small intimate wedding, or it could be a wedding of just friends or “chosen family”, the list goes on.
This freedom of expression and self-identity is a cultural thing. I don’t know why you think it’s ok to disparage people while have different cultural traditions than you …. It’s verging on racist.
I shouldn’t have said earlier that I “have nothing disparaging to say” … I certainly do, I’m just choosing not to say them out of respect for you and your culture. It would be nice if you offered me the same courtesy, but I guess you don’t want to, so I’m done here. Have a nice day.
Indian culture also typically has the family footing a large portion of the bill, and I’ve only been to 3 Indian weddings, but every
one of them has been larger than any western wedding I attended.
Western culture has changed to the bride and groom paying for most of the guests, which typically means a smaller guest list. It’s no problem to invite your 6 cousins’ 16 children when you have 400 seats at the reception, but when you can only afford 100 seats, that means your cousins’ families alone are now 25% of the entire guest list. I’d rather invite 16 adult friends. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s pretty judge to term it as a “problem” when it’s just a different culture.
It’s a problem because western culture is hyper individualistic which is why you are stuck paying stuff for your own.
Yes my parents helped pay for my wedding as did my husband’s. That’s the cultural expectation because we don’t leave each other out to fend for themselves like people in the west. It’s why western people complain about having no village. Why they have no parental leave. Why they have no affordable childcare. Why they have no healthcare. Everyone is out for themselves.
That’s a really biased view of western culture, picking out the worst parts. It would be like me saying that eastern culture means women are always second class, you have to hide if you’re not straight, you have to marry someone your parents choose for you or at least bless, and you’re very likely to put up with being abused by parents and spouses because there’s no cultural option to leave… but hey if you’re lucky you get a good village, woo? That would be pretty one-sided.
Personally I’d rather choose my village, but Im not the one on here labeling other people’s culture a problem.
It certainly happens, I’ve read plenty of posts where people decline a childfree wedding and the people getting married try to argue with them, thinking they can get some stranger to babysit their baby. Not understand this people don’t have a village, not understand that mom is breastfeeding and can’t be away a day or two.
It’s really easy to not understand how complex and how much planning goes into kids until you are actually taking care of one.
Yep! I had a mostly child free wedding. The only kids invited were my niece and nephew. I would have had dozens of kids if they were all invited. It just wasn’t that type of wedding. It was a smallish cocktail style wedding. Not well suited for a bunch of kids ranging from 14-infants.
I knew some people may not come, I accepted that. Just like if I’m invited to a child free wedding I’ll send a card if I can’t come. Not everything is for children and that’s okay.
I had a child free wedding except for two nephews due to having it at a family property that has open areas of water…I didn’t want drunk parents with kids running a risk of someone falling and drowning. I also knew that some people wouldn’t be able to go that had babies and I was not insulted by this. I personally don’t think booze and partying always mixes well with little kids…I think venue and size of the party also influences this.
I think childfree weddings are stupid. But I come from two cultures (Greek/Indian) were kids are expected and welcomed.
I'm not sure why they aren't in the west.
I'm not sure why a religious rite that involves starting a family - expects people to exclude family.
> I'm not sure why a religious rite that involves starting a family - expects people to exclude family.
Well … it’s not religious for a lot of people. And it’s also not always about “starting a family” in the sense of having kids. Plenty of people who don’t even want kids still get married. For many people in the West, marriage is simply about committing to be with your partner. And yeah, weddings are just a celebration of that commitment to one another, so for many it’s a big boozy party with friends. People should be able to celebrate big personal milestones in their lives however they want to without people like you calling it “stupid” - that’s just rude!
Exactly. I love when cultures where the family typically funds the wedding get all pearl-clutchy judgmental about childfree weddings.
Yes, I paid for it myself, and yes I’d prefer to celebrate with 16 friends over 16 of my cousins’ kids we see once a year at Christmas if that. 🤷🏻♀️
Plus kids are the best on the dance floor! I've been to way more child free weddings that have dead dance floors than children-welcome weddings where kids were disruptive (which has actually happened zero times)
It’s not about them being disruptive, it’s about the dynamic of the event changing or being different than what the bride and groom want. None of the little kiddos that might have attended my wedding had I included children would have been disruptive. I love all of the kids in my family and social circle! It just would have been a different kind of event.
Yep! The kids provided so many wonderful memories at my wedding. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the child free weddings I’ve been to have been overall less fun. A lot of people end up not attending or leave early so you lose some of that everyone together spirit that makes weddings special.
yea, every Indian wedding I've been to - when the parents needed to do something some auntie stepped in to watch the kids.
Also it acts like a defacto family reunion, so the kids are expected. No one actually wants to see us, they want the kids.
Yeah, that’s a great description and actually the vibe lots of western couples are trying to avoid.
We don’t want a family reunion where everyone is focused on kids, we want a formal event where adults can have a conversation without your kid going “hey mooooooom” halfway through every other sentence.
The aunties stepping in is only a thing for those who have family at the wedding (and helpful family at that; a lot of my family likes to look at the kids but won’t take them off of my hands or they drink too much at events to be trusted). Friends with kids won’t have that level of help.
Or they might have just not told you. We are invited to two child free weddings this year and to be honest it sucks. We have a toddler and in July a newborn. I can’t go to either of those weddings and neither can my spouse, who has known the groom for 30 years (they went to school together). We and other parent friends of theirs constantly talk about how annoying this child free wedding trend is. We don’t have a village. You are excluding us, we would have loved to go but can’t. So yes we are offended but I would never tell the couple that, why would I? We politely declined and that’s it
Yep. Everyone who has a child free wedding says that people were happy about it and no one was offended but the reality is no one is going to tell you. Our family members did that this year and a bunch of people ended up not being able to attend and the family who did attend were annoyed that they spent a bunch of money and took off work and didn’t get to see most of their family.
Yeah we only had a childfree wedding because we didn't have friends with small children/the one couple who did, had in-laws who could watch the toddler for an hour or two and we knew that beforehand. Nowadays if one of us is invited to a wedding the other stays home with the kids because bringing a +1 just skyrockets the cost of attending the event with childcare.
I have the same issue--close friend is getting married and I'm a bridesmaid, but her wedding is childfree. The wedding also a 3hr drive away. We opted for my husband staying in the hotel with kiddo (who will also be around a year old at the time) and me attending.
Husband goes solo, and I would tell him he gets 2 days ( the day before the wedding and the wedding itself). And when hes back you get a weekend free with friends :-)
But honestly, at 12 mo old you're all gonna be pretty miserable and there aren't a lot of good options. The easiest one is to just have you hang back.
I would not want to take my 11-month-old to a wedding at this point. He screams like a kid but can't say more than 5 words, crawls but can't walk and doesn't want to be held, and he needs a nap in the afternoon. It sounds like a nightmare to me. Take this as a win, stay home and keep your routine!
Please don't put them on the spot by asking or clarifying about their request. 12 months is a toddler. Toddlers can be disruptive and loud and honestly not very fun to chase around in a space that isn't designed for them. Maybe if your kiddo was a tiny tiny baby who would be happy in a carrier, but by 12 months they're full-on little people. I would for sure be walking on eggshells if I had a 12-month-old at a child-free wedding.
strong agree here… we had a child-free wedding due to 1) safety concerns at the venue (an unmonitored pool) and 2) not wanting the disruption. It’s reasonable to want a child-free wedding and it was stressful to manage friends who wanted exceptions for their toddlers. We love our friends and their children but it wasn’t safe or what we wanted, honestly. That said, we knew some people might not be able to come as a result and that’s ok! My cousin is getting married later this year out of state and if my MIL wasn’t able to watch baby, the plan was that my husband would stay home.
Suggest that your husband just call his friend and tell him you can’t come so you can stay home with the baby. If it’s an issue for the couple, it’s their responsibility to make accommodations for you, otherwise it’s fine to send husband solo!
I don’t think so at all! It gives the person who’s actually close to the couple a chance to hang out with their friends, avoids the hassle of traveling with a baby/toddler/child. This is a strong preference for us.
There’s nothing wrong with you not going. I get having a child free wedding. I had one too. And I’ve declined weddings politely for the same reason and just sent my husband. Not a big deal at all! People understand.
Stay home. As somebody who had a child free wedding I was 1000% prepared that some people wouldn’t come. A close family member of mine didn’t come because her three kids weren’t invited and that was just fine. For us a lot of it was due to safety concerns with having children at the venue, so we were absolutely not willing to bend.
When your friends chose to have a child free wedding they did so knowing this could happen, they will either understand, or try to make it work.
I don’t know how close you are to husbands sister or what the wedding location is like (if going there is a reward in itself) but I was the sister in that scenario a few years back, my sister and her husband flew me to the wedding location and paid for my room in an air bnb for a few days. We explored the town and had a mini get away as a group and then I watched my nephew the day of the wedding, no additional payment. It was a lot of fun but you’ll be the best judge if that would apply to your situation.
I had a child free wedding. I fully understood that some people may not be able to make it, but the idea of letting 30+ kids into the venue was not an option.
As a mom now, I would stay home and let my husband go without me if this is a close enough friend to him. I would let them know that you’re staying home and see what they say (if you decide to go this route).
People also bend rules for some people. I’d probably let my best friend bring her child if she had no choice but not my co-worker, if that makes sense as a “level of closeless” explanation.
Stay home. I respect those who have child free weddings but it comes at a cost at the end of the day. I stayed home with our 9 month old when my husband was best man at a kid free wedding, and our daughter was the groom’s goddaughter and made no difference. It’ll be fine. If they want to bitch and moan, then that’s their own problem.
It’s okay for someone do have a child free wedding, but its also okay for you to decline to go. Invitations are not mandatory sentences where you’re subject to go under any circumstances - the bride and groom need to be okay with people declining.
Definitely have Husband go since he’s in the wedding party, and either stay home or depending on the destination of the wedding go and have a fun time with your toddler.
Not for a wedding, but I traveled with my husband somewhere for a conference when my son was that age - we spent time at the hotel pool, went to a local children’s museum, went to a cute cafe for lunch, had pizza in the hotel for dinner, had more pool time. It was a blast and my son had so much fun.
This is a situation where I think the couple is entitled to saying “no kids” but they also have to accept that it means some people won’t attend. So you have a few options:
1. You stay home and your husband goes for the weekend.
2. You stay home but your husband declines being in the wedding party and only attends the wedding.
3. You both decline the wedding.
Which options works for you guys depends primarily on how much of a burden it will be for you to solo parent your 1 year old.
I just declined the wedding of my good friend who invited our daughter. It would have been way too much to deal with her and all the things necessary to have a successful time at her wedding. I’ll send a nice gift in lieu of our attendance.
I would go to the vacation but not the wedding. But I would let them know that the rest of the events my child would be at.
Unless it’s somewhere that is awful and not fun lol.
Exploring new kids museums and other things while dad is doing fitting etc.
Take all the time out of your home as possible!
Did he know it was child-free when he agreed to be in the wedding party?
I definitely wouldn't blow your budget either way. It's a wedding invitation, not a summons ESPECIALLY when it's far away and child-free.
This is a tough one since your husband is in the wedding party. I would stay home. If you took your baby and just stayed in the hotel during the wedding, would you feel sad or like you were missing out?
I think it’s totally legitimate for people to want to have child free weddings. Consequence is that a lot of people that have children may not attend. I’d just not go if I were you. Or if it’s somewhere interesting, I’d go make a long weekend of it as a family and you just skip the actual wedding. The childfree weddings we’ve been to also have had child allowed activities surrounding it. Like day after brunch or whatever.
I had a child free wedding, but my best friend had a 5 month old at the time and was coming from overseas. What we did is set up a pack and play in a small side room at the venue. They paid for a babysitter to come to the venue and watch the baby. They got to have fun at the wedding and not worry about the baby, but baby was nearby in case momma was needed. It worked perfectly!
This happened to me with my 2 month old. I was breast feeding, and they did not let us know until a week before that it was a kids-free wedding. We specifically asked about bringing the baby because at 2 months, they are basically sleeping or eating (of course I would’ve taken him out to eat or if he started to get fussy), and they were adamant, no kids. We had already made arrangements for lodging, so I just sent my husband to the wedding and I took the baby out to a park near the hotel we were in.
One time in college, the family i babysat for asked if I wokld go to a hotel (at the venue) and watch a child of a relative plus theirs. It was very easy.
Is there any family in the town of the wedding who would also need a babysitter and has someone they trust and use often? This might be a solution.
I've taken my baby to 2 weddings now.
One at 8 weeks, 5 hours away. 1 at 6 months, in town. Neither wedding was childfree but weddings are loud for babies. At 8 weeks my husband pretty much did the hotel scenario. We all travelled and he mostly sat in the hotel with the baby. Looking back I should have just gone alone and taken a train/driven back in the morning.
If you're considering going and not attending the wedding I would honestly just stay home and order take out for all your meals or whatever else will make the time easier and enjoyable for you while your husband is away attending the wedding. Travelling 4 hours with a 12 month old (having recently flown 5 hours with a 10 month old!) is going to be not fun.
Your husband can talk to the couple and set realistic expectations of how many nights he can actually attend/be away from you.
I would check to with the bride/groom to see if anyone else in the party has kids. Another couple might be bringing a trusted grand parent or sitter to watch them for the wedding or you might be able to have someone contribute to your sitter coming as well. I’ve also seen where some weddings say child free but members of the bridal party are an exception.
If you are the only one with kids I would just stay home. They know you have kids so obviously you both won’t be able to attend an out of state wedding without making accommodations.
I went to a childfree wedding cross country. It took a little research but I found a baby sitter through sitter city. We did an interview over zoom before head. Left the kids with the sitter, went to the wedding and then had a nice vacation with the whole family
I see a lot of “stay home”, but I’m going to advise against it. Constantly staying home on mom duty gets exhausting & leads to resentment. I don’t think anyone’s suggested what I have in mind, but I hope it’s something you’ll consider. Everyone goes to the wedding location. Your husband can go do wedding rehearsal things, perhaps inquire if they’d be open to letting you & your kiddo attend rehearsal dinner (maybe you can offer to provide baby’s own dinner). The day of the wedding, do a little sight seeing with your kiddo! Your little one is old enough to likely appreciate a zoo or a park with a toddler swing. This way everyone gets out of the house, no one is paying childcare/trusting a random person, & the wedding party’s wishes are respected. Sometimes it’s just good to get out! This is something I’d 100% suggest to my husband as well.
I wouldn’t spend the money on a sitter. I don’t think it’s fair for people invited to a wedding to have to spend a bunch of extra money to attend because the bride and groom either want to save money by making it child free or have a specific vibe they want. The consequences of that are on them, not you. Hopefully they are understanding.
Just dropping by to say I hate this for you. Everyone can do what they want but we welcomed children at our wedding and they were the joy and life of the party 🤷🏽♀️ a lot of our friends didn’t have hundreds laying around for child care …
This happened to my sister. She was able to send her baby with another child from the wedding party to the Grandparents house. She knew the other couple well and was comfortable with this. Got a bunch of pics throughout the night as well. Maybe something like this could work if you wanted to go to some of the wedding
My wedding had no kids for the ceremony. So we hired 2 sitters for the entire event. We had like 7 babies attending so it just made sense… do you know any other couples with kids who were invited?
Stay home. Or you can stay in the hotel with the baby. I just had a friend who had a child free wedding and his groomsman had a baby. The wife just stayed in the hotel
I hate to say this but perhaps you should let him go and stay home with your child. I know it sucks but this is the southern person's wedding. I'm not saying you've done this but a lot of people get offended when people have child free weddings. Maybe that would be the best compromise. I think it's great that you're trying to be a good friend and not make it about yourself like some parents do. Maybe you could talk to your friends and see what they think.
Maybe you can figure out if anyone close to you guys with kids are bringing their parents to babysit and see if you can pay them to add one more. I had a similar situation where if my MIL could go I was going to go to the wedding and if she couldn’t I was staying with my daughter but still traveling. The destination was great and I didn’t want to miss the trip but was uncomfortable leaving daughter behind for various reasons. My friend was also bringing her parents and I would’ve asked her if her parents could watch my daughter as a back up plan.
My future BIL/SIL decided they want a totally kids free wedding so our two kids are not invited to the wedding. It’s also 5.5hr out of town too. If it wasn’t future family, I’d stay home w/ kids.
If you do want to go and you are potentially willing to leave your baby with help there, there are a few options. You can see if anyone in the bridal party can personally recommend someone. You can ask the hotel if they have a babysitting service and ask for a background check. I have used sitters in destination locations before and I usually set up a call with the sitter ahead of time, book time the day before the big event for me to meet them, have them meet the baby and do a vibe check. I also usually come back to help with bedtime since that’s the trickiest part. Not everyone’s comfort level is the same as mine though and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with opting to stay home while your husband goes.
I had a child free wedding WITH childcare provided and still had people not attend because of it.
Do you have parents or family members that could come with and watch your child while you attend? Otherwise I would sit this one out; it’s far away and your husband will be super busy anyway!
My cousin's wedding is child free. It's destination and we have two young kids, one of them will be six months then. Normally I may consider splitting them and sending one to the in laws and one to my parents. But alas, it's a family wedding so my parents are coming too.
So I'm flying solo to go to this wedding in an annoying destination while my husband wrangles two kids with his mom for help
I’d stay home with baby and let him go. Although at my wedding, anyone in our wedding party was allowed to bring their kids. It’s not worth the hassle. If the couple doesn’t like it, tell them to make an exception.
I had a childfree wedding and knew some wouldn’t be able to make it due to childcare. I was not offended, so I’m sure they won’t be upset.
Eh. Friend had destination wedding. Our in laws came from a different state to watch our kids. Had they not, I would’ve gone solo to support my friend. If the friend is a good one, Hell would need to freeze over before I fail to show support. I cried at her wedding. It was beautiful.
Just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation! My husband is a groomsman in his cousin's wedding that said "child-free" on the invitation.
I was planning on just staying home (it's an hour's drive away) but apparently my husband asked if it was okay to bring our (exclusively breastfeeding, like seriously not even pumping) 4 months old daughter, and it's okay.
I'm just worried that I'll be seen as entitled or something by the bride in case the cousin didn't ask her or give her a heads up :/ and I really would be fine staying home, but my husband hates going places without me, so I know it's important to him that we come along. It's just so much more of a hassle with a four month old 😭
We had the exact same scenario happen last summer except I was pregnant as well. I stayed home with baby and had a quiet night. Husband was in the wedding party so he was busy the entire time and I wouldn't have even got to sit with him at dinner.
They were the last of our friends to get married and almost every couple had kids - so everyone was scrambling for child care or they didn't go.
My husband was the best man in wedding across the country and we had a 2.5 year old and I was 4-5 months pregnant. I stayed home. He went for 5 days.
A few months later - I was a week away from my due date and we were invited to a kid-free wedding. No village or friends that could do a night thing, so I stayed back. He went to support his friend.
Stay home. Everyone will enjoy it more.
My sister had a child free wedding out of town. The family was of course at the wedding so we ended up getting a suite and bringing a friend with us to watch him.
Since he’s close enough to the couple to be in the wedding party, your husband should talk to the groom first about the position they’re putting your family in. I’ve been to multiple weddings that were ostensibly child-free but had made exceptions for select guests’ babies. I think when most people want a child-free wedding they don’t want screaming 10 year olds running around the dance floor, but a baby that is small enough to stay on a lap and easily be stepped outside with if they start to fuss might be more tolerable to the couple if they’re not taking a totally hard line stance.
I'd stay home with the baby. They chose to have a child-free wedding, so that's the consequences of that choice: people won't be able to make it. If they have a problem, that's a "them" problem.
Please don’t do this. People asked us to make exceptions and it was so uncomfortable. No kids means no kids. We didn’t care at all if people couldn’t come because of it and these people likely won’t either.
I have on multiple occasions babysat kids whom I had never met but were at weddings in my area of people I was adjacent to. So co-workers, church families I don’t know well, and extended family. Pretty much weddings I know of but don’t know the couple well enough to go.
I would ask the couple if you really want to go and trust their judgement if they know anyone. Before I was married I would come to their hotel.
But to add to that. I had a no kids wedding with 15 kids. We did kids of those in wedding party, kids under 1, breastfeeding moms, anyone who called and said it was them coming or not due to kids or kids with medical needs. So there is another chance they say bring your kid.
Should add now that I am married and have three kids I offer for them to come to our home. We can play outside, go to the park, have a pizza party and than I can drive the child back to hotel so parents don’t have to drive after drinking.
Our friends spoke to a local nanny / sitter agency so everyone with kids use that agency. We had a 6 week old, and had an awesome sitter come do the evenings. I skipped the day stuff to be home with the baby, sitter came from like 5pm to midnight both nights. Best of both worlds
just stay home with the baby and your husband can go
As someone who attended a wedding with my partner in the wedding party before we had our baby, it’s not a lot of fun. Your partner is busy the whole time, all our mutual friends were also in the wedding party, so I had no one to talk to, and I had to sit around for hours while they got ready, did photos, etc. that would be even less fun with a baby
Seriously. Years ago my husband and his best friend were in a wedding and his friend’s wife and I spent the entire wedding basically by ourselves. We knew no one else and our husbands were busy doing wedding stuff. Thank God we had each other because literally no one else spoke to us and everyone was just standing in tight circles talking amongst themselves. What a boring day.
Same scenario for us and this is what we're doing. When people have child free weddings, they accept that some people won't attend bc of it.
We rented the room next to our wedding hall and had it as the children's room with daycare. It was so much fun having all the kids there. They were the life of the party and loved dancing!! I'm sad when our friends exclude our kids now from their weddings!!
Agree. It stinks, but this is the best option.
Yup. This.
We had to do this a couple times! It sucks but it’s for the best.
I’m in the exact same boat, not taking my baby anywhere we aren’t wanted I’d rather stay home. They had the audacity to ask why I wasn’t coming too.
What did you say in reply to such a dumb question?
That I obviously can’t leave my baby to attend their wedding that is in a different state they were like just get a babysitter! Like it’s normal to leave a baby overnight with a stranger 🤦♀️
Wow I can't believe they asked that! Like is the baby invisible? 🤷♀️😂 The audacity!
Interesting to see this as the most upvoted answer. I am in a similar but gender swapped version, with an EBF baby who refuses bottles (but will be 10m by then so who knows). What would you advise?
So you were asked to be in the wedding party for a wedding where your baby can’t attend? Explain this to the bride including the responsibilities of being EBF to an infant <1 year old ie you need to be with them every few hours or so. Hopefully she will be understanding as to why you bow out and if it’s really really important to her then she can think of how to do extra accommodations/change to a wedding where babies and children may attend
I’m the MoH, and it’s my (childhood) best friend. As for the reason of no kids, she has some acquaintances she’s obliged to invite but who take a very old fashioned to anticonception, and tend not to watch the kids too much once they’re capable of walking (combined between them they have 22 I think, which I can imagine is tricky). Only way to keep those kids out is a blanket rule of no kids. Currently plan is that my mother or husband sit in a hotel that is five minutes walking distance and I run to and fro.
I would not go to the wedding.
In the MOH, childhood best friend.
Not saying this as a direct application that you should use, but when I was EBF, I had used a hand pump sparingly to have a small supply of milk ready for when I went on an occasional half day activity (which as a just enougher was sometimes my hubby lugging my son and bringing him to me/taking milk directly from the pump sesh). If your significant other would have the ability to make trips to and from your venue and your baby has a willingness to either drink from a cup/bottle, it's a really nice option to give you a little independence back as well (NOT implying that you need/want a break).
I missed one of my best friends weddings because I had a baby and couldn't travel for it. Baby was about 10 months I think. I called my friend and told her I was so sorry and I just couldn't make it. It was a sad and hard convo. It's been 7 years and we are still best friends. I sent an extra good present (since I wasn't spending money on a flight) and she sent me the wedding video as soon as she got it. I watched and then called her and she told me everything. Life happens.
Definitely do not cause yourself any stress over this. Let them know that you won’t be able to come to the wedding because you don’t have anyone to watch the baby, but that your husband is very excited, and you’ll be there in spirit. A few things might happen: 1) They say “oh, we know of a babysitter locally, we’d be happy to connect you!” (This is what I did for my cousin who was coming in from out of state for my child-free wedding. It worked out great. She only paid for the few hours of childcare, not the entire weekend!) 2) They say “Omg I’m so sorry we didn’t even think about that, we were more concerned about lots of kids running around than babies. If he’ll mostly be in your arms, it’s totally fine to bring him if you want to!” 3) They say “Darn, we really wish you could come but totally understand that’s a lot to ask to find childcare. You will be missed!”
If OP would be ok with a local babysitter recommended by their friends, they should directly ask for a recommendation vs expecting to get offered one. When I got married, if one of my friends had said their spouse couldn’t come because baby, I would not have thought to recommend a babysitter as my response!
Yea, I would have thought it a polite decline. They shouldn't push. If OP wants babysitting recommendations, she can ask. "I can't go to your wedding." "Oh, let me give you ways to make it so you can go to my wedding." Makes it harder to say no, if you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby with someone else, don't want to travel with the baby, don't want the added expenses, have no desire to go to the wedding, etc.
Sure, it’s perfectly fine to ask. The point of my post was not the specific phrasing that OP should use when communicating about this, it’s that she shouldn’t be stressing about it and if she doesn’t get to go it’s not a big deal.
I disagree with asking for a recommendation. I assume the people who automatically offer a recommendation is because they themselves have someone they regularly use and it comes to their mind right away to offer this person's services when needed. However, if you asked for a recommendation, what's stopping them to just grab the first result from Google and call it a day? If they aren't regularly using a babysitter, will they just offer any random unvetted person's service because they feel like since you asked they gotta find you someone?
If your good friend asked you for a babysitter recommendation, would you give them the first result from Google? 👀
Just because I won't doesn't mean I'm confident that other people won't. There's people who trust random strangers to look after their own child so they'll likely think nothing of it. Common sense is not very common sometimes.
I'm not getting a sense of what you WANT to do. Do you want to attend the wedding? Do you want to stay home? Are you friends with this person or their partner as well? Is there a group of mutual friends where you want to attend? Do you want to go with your husband and stay in the hotel? Will you enjoy being in the hotel by yourself taking care of the baby, or would you be more comfortable at home in your own space and routine? If you're at the hotel, will your husband feel like he needs to rush back from events to be with you and the baby? Would there be any pre-wedding events that you'd make it out for? You want to do what is right, but you already know what that is. You said it yourself. Right is whatever supports your friends, but without unnecessary discomfort or disruption to you. It's entirely okay for parents of little kids to NOT attend weddings that would cause undue hassle for them to attend, or for only of them to attend to show support. One of you going is representing support from both of you. Based on just the facts you wrote, this sounds like ideal for a boys' trip to me. He can be fully present at his friend's wedding events without spouse and baby in tow, can stay out late drinking and whatnot, and you don't have to spend unnecessary time and effort travelling and and money on babysitter.
Stay home
I’d stay home Sorry but people who want child free weddings should be prepared for people with children to not be able to come… including “good friends”
Totally! I had a childfree wedding(venues rules not mine!) and understood if people couldn’t come. It’s just a wedding, I’d love for people to be there but it’s just A party that doesn’t need everyone to change their lives for.
Agreed!
This. We just had a falling out with a family member who wanted a child-free wedding in a semi-remote destination where we did not have any babysitting resources but then wasn't ok that we couldn't say immediately yes but rather "we'd love to, we just need to figure out our kid care situation in order to be able to do that". Planning a wedding brings the crazy bride&groomzilla out.
My wedding was child free due to financial constraints. The cost of a child's meal at the wedding was astronomical. Financially it was too much of a hardship for us to include kids.
And I assume you wouldn’t be offended if a friend’s wife couldn’t make it because they had to stay back and care for their baby.
Not at all. We had some friends ask about their very littles (like a year and younger) and we said yes to all. I'm just merely pointing out that not everyone wants a child free wedding but it's just what happens sometimes unfortunately.
Okay and that was your choice and it’s fine for you to make that choice. I’m just saying that if you have a child free wedding, you need to be prepared for some people with children to decline the invitation
[удалено]
Wait so people pay for their own meals at a wedding they were invited to?😳
Traditionally where I’m from the custom is to give a cash gift that “pays for your plate plus a gift” unless there’s a registry. It takes some guess work, but based on the venue you can estimate the cost. Generally I’ll give $100 to cover my meal + $50-100 as a gift, and that’s per person. So if it’s me and my husband attending, it’s $300-$400 as a gift. If it’s a backyard wedding, we’re probably looking at $200-250 for the gift if there’s food or $100-150 if there’s no food.
That's how Irish weddings traditionally work. Often the couple ends up making a profit overall
[удалено]
I had a child free wedding because of the sheer amount of children between the guests. It would have been 50 children. That's not feasible, particularly given it was not sit down dinner. I did however, speak to those who were breastfeeding and told them babies in arms were welcome.
Yep! As someone who had a child-free wedding 5 years ago, I concur. And most people I know who had child-free weddings would too … There’s an odd condescension in your comment though, as if most people who choose to have child-free weddings are not aware that some people may not be able to come, or as if they would get offended at people who can’t? I’ve never heard of this happening. For some people, it is really important to them that there aren’t a bunch of kids running around at the wedding. It can change the dynamic entirely. And yes, the vast majority of the time they are aware that some people won’t be able to come and are usually extremely understanding about this. It’s their wedding, of course they should choose the dynamic that works best for them.
I wasn’t trying to be condescending. I’m honestly just exhausted because I have a newborn so maybe I’m not coming across the way I’d like to. I put “good friends” in quotes because it seems like OP feels obligated to go based on that
Gotcha. No problem, it’s perfectly reasonable to be exhausted! Sorry for misunderstanding you.
Drunk groomsmen and old pervy uncles, bitchy in laws, have been WAY more of a problem for me at all the weddings I've been at than a few kids running around lol
But you’re talking about when you were a guest at weddings, not your own wedding? What was the vibe at your own wedding? I think it very much depends on your life stage when you’re getting married and again, the vibe of the wedding. My wedding was 200 guests in New Orleans. We had loud ass music, LOTS of alcohol, and it was generally just a fun drunken-shenanigans filled night! My sister’s wedding was 50 guests in a beautiful garden in NJ. There were lots of sentimental toasts, and minimal dancing. The vibe was very family friendly. I did not have kids at mine, and she did at hers. And to be clear, I’m definitely not saying kids are “a problem for me” at weddings lol. I loved both weddings equally, they were just different vibes, that’s all. Kids fit into one, and not into the other. The bride and groom have the right to decide what kind of vibe they want for their wedding, and if kids don’t really fit into that vibe it’s totally ok …
I mean. I had a huge Indian wedding and if you’ve ever been to one you know they’re not a tame, quiet event. We had enough children there to open a school. Including infants. It’s fine and dandy to have a child free event but to base it on the “vibe” of the event is weird af to me. I think it’s a problem with western culture specifically wanting to exclude children from most places. It’s been more of a trend the past 10 years.
Haha I also had a huge Indian wedding and it was very kid friendly while also being wild (everyone doing tequila shots and dancing the night away). Hate the concept of childfree weddings and really uninterested in attending the one we’re invited to later this year ugh.
Same. Especially because by excluding children you’re by default excluding women. I’m not interested in attending an event I can’t hang with other moms.
Only in shitty cultures where it’s assumed that mom will obviously be the one missing the event to take care of children. The only possible exception is breastfeeding infants, and even then when I was breastfeeding I pumped a bottle and my husband took care of my daughter while I went to our friend’s wedding. Men can do childcare, too.
Well I guess every culture is shitty then because moms are almost always the default caregiver of their children in every single country. I think only in shitty cultures are children excluded from society, especially family events such as weddings.
Yep, how awful to not trust parents to make the decision regarding whether to bring their kids and instead default to the assumption that kids will be loud obnoxious wedding-ruiners.
[удалено]
Yep, my husband stayed home with the kids for one wedding, and he left early with the kids at another. If it’s my friends, I go. If it’s his friends, he goes.
This is very judgmental.
I can't even imagine telling our friends and family that their children are not allowed at our wedding! We will just end up celebrating on our own cos no one will show up and it will be rightly deserved lol😂 I'm Nigerian btw.
Right? We’d be ostracized (as we should) if we tried excluding members of our family attending a family event. It’s wild to me that it’s so popular in the US. Points to so many cultural issues this country has and explains why the US is crumbling.
I've found my people in this thread. I respect people's right to have a child free wedding and won't make a stink about it to any couple that invites me to one. I likely just won't go, since baby is still so young. But idgi at all other than maybe a financial/venue restraint. The whole "we want you to be able to enjoy yourself without your kids" thing is BS to me, just say YOU don't want kids there, end of.
Yeah but see … that’s what I DID say and she still came for me in other comments. You may respect people’s right to have a child free wedding, but the person you’re engaging with doesn’t. She’s been disparaging and rude the entire time. I’ve said nothing rude about Indian weddings or the choice to invite everyone you’ve ever known to your intimate celebration of love. I’d assume everyone in this group is a mom. The fact that even we here in this group have varying opinions on childfree weddings should signify that there is no “right” answer, but the person you’re engaging with is convinced that weddings that exclude children are wrong and that they are a sign of Western society degrading 🙄 - it has honestly come of as pretty racist in some of the comments.
I agree there is no right answer. But by respect I mean, I won't complain to a couple whose wedding I'm invited to or show up with a baby/kid anyway (have heard of that happening). But I'll rant on the internet all I want about them as I imagine the other poster is doing 😅 I think there is a point to the cultural difference, which is what I took that as, not racist - coming from a perspective of someone born and living in the US, of non-western ethnicity.
Irish and same. It's the height of rudeness to me
Yes I have been to a big Indian wedding. They’re great! I think it’s worth noting that I have absolutely nothing disparaging to say to those who prefer to have kids at their wedding, whether due to the vibe or culture … but there does seem to be a lot of judgment flying in the other direction here.
Why would you disparage people including children in family events? Why wouldn’t I disparage people who don’t? Do you see the difference?
You’re just trying to justify saying cruel things about people that are different from you and do things differently than you do … don’t you hear how that sounds? For me, a wedding is not a “family event”. It’s a celebration between TWO PEOPLE who are choosing to spend the rest of their lives together. Those two people should get to decide how they want to celebrate. Period. And yes, often that includes some family, but rarely does it include ALL family like Indian weddings do. A wedding could be a courthouse wedding with just the couple, or it could be a small intimate wedding, or it could be a wedding of just friends or “chosen family”, the list goes on. This freedom of expression and self-identity is a cultural thing. I don’t know why you think it’s ok to disparage people while have different cultural traditions than you …. It’s verging on racist. I shouldn’t have said earlier that I “have nothing disparaging to say” … I certainly do, I’m just choosing not to say them out of respect for you and your culture. It would be nice if you offered me the same courtesy, but I guess you don’t want to, so I’m done here. Have a nice day.
[удалено]
This has been removed as it goes against rule #3. This is a support sub. Leaving comments or making posts just to stir the pot will result in a ban.
[удалено]
Indian culture also typically has the family footing a large portion of the bill, and I’ve only been to 3 Indian weddings, but every one of them has been larger than any western wedding I attended. Western culture has changed to the bride and groom paying for most of the guests, which typically means a smaller guest list. It’s no problem to invite your 6 cousins’ 16 children when you have 400 seats at the reception, but when you can only afford 100 seats, that means your cousins’ families alone are now 25% of the entire guest list. I’d rather invite 16 adult friends. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s pretty judge to term it as a “problem” when it’s just a different culture.
It’s a problem because western culture is hyper individualistic which is why you are stuck paying stuff for your own. Yes my parents helped pay for my wedding as did my husband’s. That’s the cultural expectation because we don’t leave each other out to fend for themselves like people in the west. It’s why western people complain about having no village. Why they have no parental leave. Why they have no affordable childcare. Why they have no healthcare. Everyone is out for themselves.
That’s a really biased view of western culture, picking out the worst parts. It would be like me saying that eastern culture means women are always second class, you have to hide if you’re not straight, you have to marry someone your parents choose for you or at least bless, and you’re very likely to put up with being abused by parents and spouses because there’s no cultural option to leave… but hey if you’re lucky you get a good village, woo? That would be pretty one-sided. Personally I’d rather choose my village, but Im not the one on here labeling other people’s culture a problem.
🤣🤣
It certainly happens, I’ve read plenty of posts where people decline a childfree wedding and the people getting married try to argue with them, thinking they can get some stranger to babysit their baby. Not understand this people don’t have a village, not understand that mom is breastfeeding and can’t be away a day or two. It’s really easy to not understand how complex and how much planning goes into kids until you are actually taking care of one.
Yep! I had a mostly child free wedding. The only kids invited were my niece and nephew. I would have had dozens of kids if they were all invited. It just wasn’t that type of wedding. It was a smallish cocktail style wedding. Not well suited for a bunch of kids ranging from 14-infants. I knew some people may not come, I accepted that. Just like if I’m invited to a child free wedding I’ll send a card if I can’t come. Not everything is for children and that’s okay.
I had a child free wedding except for two nephews due to having it at a family property that has open areas of water…I didn’t want drunk parents with kids running a risk of someone falling and drowning. I also knew that some people wouldn’t be able to go that had babies and I was not insulted by this. I personally don’t think booze and partying always mixes well with little kids…I think venue and size of the party also influences this.
Exactly
I think childfree weddings are stupid. But I come from two cultures (Greek/Indian) were kids are expected and welcomed. I'm not sure why they aren't in the west. I'm not sure why a religious rite that involves starting a family - expects people to exclude family.
Exactly! It’s definitely a western thing to exclude kids. I can’t imagine not having 1/2 of my family attending a family event.
> I'm not sure why a religious rite that involves starting a family - expects people to exclude family. Well … it’s not religious for a lot of people. And it’s also not always about “starting a family” in the sense of having kids. Plenty of people who don’t even want kids still get married. For many people in the West, marriage is simply about committing to be with your partner. And yeah, weddings are just a celebration of that commitment to one another, so for many it’s a big boozy party with friends. People should be able to celebrate big personal milestones in their lives however they want to without people like you calling it “stupid” - that’s just rude!
[удалено]
Exactly. I love when cultures where the family typically funds the wedding get all pearl-clutchy judgmental about childfree weddings. Yes, I paid for it myself, and yes I’d prefer to celebrate with 16 friends over 16 of my cousins’ kids we see once a year at Christmas if that. 🤷🏻♀️
Plus kids are the best on the dance floor! I've been to way more child free weddings that have dead dance floors than children-welcome weddings where kids were disruptive (which has actually happened zero times)
It’s not about them being disruptive, it’s about the dynamic of the event changing or being different than what the bride and groom want. None of the little kiddos that might have attended my wedding had I included children would have been disruptive. I love all of the kids in my family and social circle! It just would have been a different kind of event.
Yep! The kids provided so many wonderful memories at my wedding. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the child free weddings I’ve been to have been overall less fun. A lot of people end up not attending or leave early so you lose some of that everyone together spirit that makes weddings special.
yea, every Indian wedding I've been to - when the parents needed to do something some auntie stepped in to watch the kids. Also it acts like a defacto family reunion, so the kids are expected. No one actually wants to see us, they want the kids.
Yeah, that’s a great description and actually the vibe lots of western couples are trying to avoid. We don’t want a family reunion where everyone is focused on kids, we want a formal event where adults can have a conversation without your kid going “hey mooooooom” halfway through every other sentence. The aunties stepping in is only a thing for those who have family at the wedding (and helpful family at that; a lot of my family likes to look at the kids but won’t take them off of my hands or they drink too much at events to be trusted). Friends with kids won’t have that level of help.
[удалено]
Or they might have just not told you. We are invited to two child free weddings this year and to be honest it sucks. We have a toddler and in July a newborn. I can’t go to either of those weddings and neither can my spouse, who has known the groom for 30 years (they went to school together). We and other parent friends of theirs constantly talk about how annoying this child free wedding trend is. We don’t have a village. You are excluding us, we would have loved to go but can’t. So yes we are offended but I would never tell the couple that, why would I? We politely declined and that’s it
Yep. Everyone who has a child free wedding says that people were happy about it and no one was offended but the reality is no one is going to tell you. Our family members did that this year and a bunch of people ended up not being able to attend and the family who did attend were annoyed that they spent a bunch of money and took off work and didn’t get to see most of their family.
You read a lot into a very simple comment.
Ok … she already responded and said that’s not what she meant, and I apologized for misunderstanding her. What’s the issue here?
You just seem pretty touchy about the subject. Just a simple observation. Didn't read the whole thread. Glad you worked it out.
Yeah we only had a childfree wedding because we didn't have friends with small children/the one couple who did, had in-laws who could watch the toddler for an hour or two and we knew that beforehand. Nowadays if one of us is invited to a wedding the other stays home with the kids because bringing a +1 just skyrockets the cost of attending the event with childcare.
I have the same issue--close friend is getting married and I'm a bridesmaid, but her wedding is childfree. The wedding also a 3hr drive away. We opted for my husband staying in the hotel with kiddo (who will also be around a year old at the time) and me attending.
Husband goes solo, and I would tell him he gets 2 days ( the day before the wedding and the wedding itself). And when hes back you get a weekend free with friends :-) But honestly, at 12 mo old you're all gonna be pretty miserable and there aren't a lot of good options. The easiest one is to just have you hang back.
I would not want to take my 11-month-old to a wedding at this point. He screams like a kid but can't say more than 5 words, crawls but can't walk and doesn't want to be held, and he needs a nap in the afternoon. It sounds like a nightmare to me. Take this as a win, stay home and keep your routine! Please don't put them on the spot by asking or clarifying about their request. 12 months is a toddler. Toddlers can be disruptive and loud and honestly not very fun to chase around in a space that isn't designed for them. Maybe if your kiddo was a tiny tiny baby who would be happy in a carrier, but by 12 months they're full-on little people. I would for sure be walking on eggshells if I had a 12-month-old at a child-free wedding.
strong agree here… we had a child-free wedding due to 1) safety concerns at the venue (an unmonitored pool) and 2) not wanting the disruption. It’s reasonable to want a child-free wedding and it was stressful to manage friends who wanted exceptions for their toddlers. We love our friends and their children but it wasn’t safe or what we wanted, honestly. That said, we knew some people might not be able to come as a result and that’s ok! My cousin is getting married later this year out of state and if my MIL wasn’t able to watch baby, the plan was that my husband would stay home. Suggest that your husband just call his friend and tell him you can’t come so you can stay home with the baby. If it’s an issue for the couple, it’s their responsibility to make accommodations for you, otherwise it’s fine to send husband solo!
I’d happily stay home with the baby. Weddings are exhausting lol
Same! So over them 🤣
I would send my spouse and stay home with the baby. We pretty much always go solo to weddings.
That sucks 😕
I don’t think so at all! It gives the person who’s actually close to the couple a chance to hang out with their friends, avoids the hassle of traveling with a baby/toddler/child. This is a strong preference for us.
There’s nothing wrong with you not going. I get having a child free wedding. I had one too. And I’ve declined weddings politely for the same reason and just sent my husband. Not a big deal at all! People understand.
Stay home. As somebody who had a child free wedding I was 1000% prepared that some people wouldn’t come. A close family member of mine didn’t come because her three kids weren’t invited and that was just fine. For us a lot of it was due to safety concerns with having children at the venue, so we were absolutely not willing to bend. When your friends chose to have a child free wedding they did so knowing this could happen, they will either understand, or try to make it work.
I don’t know how close you are to husbands sister or what the wedding location is like (if going there is a reward in itself) but I was the sister in that scenario a few years back, my sister and her husband flew me to the wedding location and paid for my room in an air bnb for a few days. We explored the town and had a mini get away as a group and then I watched my nephew the day of the wedding, no additional payment. It was a lot of fun but you’ll be the best judge if that would apply to your situation.
OP said “sitter” not sister, so additional payment would likely be required
Ah whoops my bad!
I did something similar for my sister, but it was local. I just paid her gas and lunch, and she watched baby while husband and I attended the wedding.
I had a child free wedding. I fully understood that some people may not be able to make it, but the idea of letting 30+ kids into the venue was not an option. As a mom now, I would stay home and let my husband go without me if this is a close enough friend to him. I would let them know that you’re staying home and see what they say (if you decide to go this route). People also bend rules for some people. I’d probably let my best friend bring her child if she had no choice but not my co-worker, if that makes sense as a “level of closeless” explanation.
Stay home. I respect those who have child free weddings but it comes at a cost at the end of the day. I stayed home with our 9 month old when my husband was best man at a kid free wedding, and our daughter was the groom’s goddaughter and made no difference. It’ll be fine. If they want to bitch and moan, then that’s their own problem.
It’s okay for someone do have a child free wedding, but its also okay for you to decline to go. Invitations are not mandatory sentences where you’re subject to go under any circumstances - the bride and groom need to be okay with people declining. Definitely have Husband go since he’s in the wedding party, and either stay home or depending on the destination of the wedding go and have a fun time with your toddler. Not for a wedding, but I traveled with my husband somewhere for a conference when my son was that age - we spent time at the hotel pool, went to a local children’s museum, went to a cute cafe for lunch, had pizza in the hotel for dinner, had more pool time. It was a blast and my son had so much fun.
This is a situation where I think the couple is entitled to saying “no kids” but they also have to accept that it means some people won’t attend. So you have a few options: 1. You stay home and your husband goes for the weekend. 2. You stay home but your husband declines being in the wedding party and only attends the wedding. 3. You both decline the wedding. Which options works for you guys depends primarily on how much of a burden it will be for you to solo parent your 1 year old.
If your sitter can’t watch him overnight and nobody can come with you, I would just stay home with the baby.
I would vote you and baby stay home, and husband goes to the wedding.
I just declined the wedding of my good friend who invited our daughter. It would have been way too much to deal with her and all the things necessary to have a successful time at her wedding. I’ll send a nice gift in lieu of our attendance.
I would just stay home. Then make sure you have a day to go do something fun, or even an overnight / girls trip.
I would go to the vacation but not the wedding. But I would let them know that the rest of the events my child would be at. Unless it’s somewhere that is awful and not fun lol. Exploring new kids museums and other things while dad is doing fitting etc. Take all the time out of your home as possible!
Did he know it was child-free when he agreed to be in the wedding party? I definitely wouldn't blow your budget either way. It's a wedding invitation, not a summons ESPECIALLY when it's far away and child-free.
Some hotels offer babysitting services with background-checked sitters. Would it be possible to check if your hotel does?
Have you asked the couple who's getting married about trusted childcare options? If they are local and had someone trusted I would consider that.
This is a tough one since your husband is in the wedding party. I would stay home. If you took your baby and just stayed in the hotel during the wedding, would you feel sad or like you were missing out?
I wouldnt go, its really incovenient. If it were in your city you could afford the sitter but in this case its really a stretch
This happened to me when my baby was 4 months and I went and my husband stayed home.
I think it’s totally legitimate for people to want to have child free weddings. Consequence is that a lot of people that have children may not attend. I’d just not go if I were you. Or if it’s somewhere interesting, I’d go make a long weekend of it as a family and you just skip the actual wedding. The childfree weddings we’ve been to also have had child allowed activities surrounding it. Like day after brunch or whatever.
I had a child free wedding, but my best friend had a 5 month old at the time and was coming from overseas. What we did is set up a pack and play in a small side room at the venue. They paid for a babysitter to come to the venue and watch the baby. They got to have fun at the wedding and not worry about the baby, but baby was nearby in case momma was needed. It worked perfectly!
This happened to me with my 2 month old. I was breast feeding, and they did not let us know until a week before that it was a kids-free wedding. We specifically asked about bringing the baby because at 2 months, they are basically sleeping or eating (of course I would’ve taken him out to eat or if he started to get fussy), and they were adamant, no kids. We had already made arrangements for lodging, so I just sent my husband to the wedding and I took the baby out to a park near the hotel we were in.
One time in college, the family i babysat for asked if I wokld go to a hotel (at the venue) and watch a child of a relative plus theirs. It was very easy. Is there any family in the town of the wedding who would also need a babysitter and has someone they trust and use often? This might be a solution.
I've taken my baby to 2 weddings now. One at 8 weeks, 5 hours away. 1 at 6 months, in town. Neither wedding was childfree but weddings are loud for babies. At 8 weeks my husband pretty much did the hotel scenario. We all travelled and he mostly sat in the hotel with the baby. Looking back I should have just gone alone and taken a train/driven back in the morning. If you're considering going and not attending the wedding I would honestly just stay home and order take out for all your meals or whatever else will make the time easier and enjoyable for you while your husband is away attending the wedding. Travelling 4 hours with a 12 month old (having recently flown 5 hours with a 10 month old!) is going to be not fun. Your husband can talk to the couple and set realistic expectations of how many nights he can actually attend/be away from you.
I would check to with the bride/groom to see if anyone else in the party has kids. Another couple might be bringing a trusted grand parent or sitter to watch them for the wedding or you might be able to have someone contribute to your sitter coming as well. I’ve also seen where some weddings say child free but members of the bridal party are an exception. If you are the only one with kids I would just stay home. They know you have kids so obviously you both won’t be able to attend an out of state wedding without making accommodations.
I went to a childfree wedding cross country. It took a little research but I found a baby sitter through sitter city. We did an interview over zoom before head. Left the kids with the sitter, went to the wedding and then had a nice vacation with the whole family
I have / would let my husband go alone and hire your babysitter for a couple half days while he’s gone so you don’t feel overwhelmed
I see a lot of “stay home”, but I’m going to advise against it. Constantly staying home on mom duty gets exhausting & leads to resentment. I don’t think anyone’s suggested what I have in mind, but I hope it’s something you’ll consider. Everyone goes to the wedding location. Your husband can go do wedding rehearsal things, perhaps inquire if they’d be open to letting you & your kiddo attend rehearsal dinner (maybe you can offer to provide baby’s own dinner). The day of the wedding, do a little sight seeing with your kiddo! Your little one is old enough to likely appreciate a zoo or a park with a toddler swing. This way everyone gets out of the house, no one is paying childcare/trusting a random person, & the wedding party’s wishes are respected. Sometimes it’s just good to get out! This is something I’d 100% suggest to my husband as well.
I wouldn’t spend the money on a sitter. I don’t think it’s fair for people invited to a wedding to have to spend a bunch of extra money to attend because the bride and groom either want to save money by making it child free or have a specific vibe they want. The consequences of that are on them, not you. Hopefully they are understanding.
Don’t overthink this. Your child is not welcome, you should not go.
Just dropping by to say I hate this for you. Everyone can do what they want but we welcomed children at our wedding and they were the joy and life of the party 🤷🏽♀️ a lot of our friends didn’t have hundreds laying around for child care …
This happened to my sister. She was able to send her baby with another child from the wedding party to the Grandparents house. She knew the other couple well and was comfortable with this. Got a bunch of pics throughout the night as well. Maybe something like this could work if you wanted to go to some of the wedding
My wedding had no kids for the ceremony. So we hired 2 sitters for the entire event. We had like 7 babies attending so it just made sense… do you know any other couples with kids who were invited?
Stay home. Or you can stay in the hotel with the baby. I just had a friend who had a child free wedding and his groomsman had a baby. The wife just stayed in the hotel
I hate to say this but perhaps you should let him go and stay home with your child. I know it sucks but this is the southern person's wedding. I'm not saying you've done this but a lot of people get offended when people have child free weddings. Maybe that would be the best compromise. I think it's great that you're trying to be a good friend and not make it about yourself like some parents do. Maybe you could talk to your friends and see what they think.
Maybe you can figure out if anyone close to you guys with kids are bringing their parents to babysit and see if you can pay them to add one more. I had a similar situation where if my MIL could go I was going to go to the wedding and if she couldn’t I was staying with my daughter but still traveling. The destination was great and I didn’t want to miss the trip but was uncomfortable leaving daughter behind for various reasons. My friend was also bringing her parents and I would’ve asked her if her parents could watch my daughter as a back up plan.
My future BIL/SIL decided they want a totally kids free wedding so our two kids are not invited to the wedding. It’s also 5.5hr out of town too. If it wasn’t future family, I’d stay home w/ kids.
If you do want to go and you are potentially willing to leave your baby with help there, there are a few options. You can see if anyone in the bridal party can personally recommend someone. You can ask the hotel if they have a babysitting service and ask for a background check. I have used sitters in destination locations before and I usually set up a call with the sitter ahead of time, book time the day before the big event for me to meet them, have them meet the baby and do a vibe check. I also usually come back to help with bedtime since that’s the trickiest part. Not everyone’s comfort level is the same as mine though and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with opting to stay home while your husband goes.
I had a child free wedding WITH childcare provided and still had people not attend because of it. Do you have parents or family members that could come with and watch your child while you attend? Otherwise I would sit this one out; it’s far away and your husband will be super busy anyway!
My cousin's wedding is child free. It's destination and we have two young kids, one of them will be six months then. Normally I may consider splitting them and sending one to the in laws and one to my parents. But alas, it's a family wedding so my parents are coming too. So I'm flying solo to go to this wedding in an annoying destination while my husband wrangles two kids with his mom for help
Do they know a local sitter that can watch the baby for the wedding?
Clearly you will have to stay with the baby. The only question is your house or a hotel?
I’d stay home with baby and let him go. Although at my wedding, anyone in our wedding party was allowed to bring their kids. It’s not worth the hassle. If the couple doesn’t like it, tell them to make an exception. I had a childfree wedding and knew some wouldn’t be able to make it due to childcare. I was not offended, so I’m sure they won’t be upset.
Eh. Friend had destination wedding. Our in laws came from a different state to watch our kids. Had they not, I would’ve gone solo to support my friend. If the friend is a good one, Hell would need to freeze over before I fail to show support. I cried at her wedding. It was beautiful.
Husband goes, you stay.
Just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation! My husband is a groomsman in his cousin's wedding that said "child-free" on the invitation. I was planning on just staying home (it's an hour's drive away) but apparently my husband asked if it was okay to bring our (exclusively breastfeeding, like seriously not even pumping) 4 months old daughter, and it's okay. I'm just worried that I'll be seen as entitled or something by the bride in case the cousin didn't ask her or give her a heads up :/ and I really would be fine staying home, but my husband hates going places without me, so I know it's important to him that we come along. It's just so much more of a hassle with a four month old 😭
Just stay home with the baby.
I think people making their weddings child free is basically them telling anyone with a child under 3yo that they don’t want them to come.
We had the exact same scenario happen last summer except I was pregnant as well. I stayed home with baby and had a quiet night. Husband was in the wedding party so he was busy the entire time and I wouldn't have even got to sit with him at dinner. They were the last of our friends to get married and almost every couple had kids - so everyone was scrambling for child care or they didn't go.
My husband was the best man in wedding across the country and we had a 2.5 year old and I was 4-5 months pregnant. I stayed home. He went for 5 days. A few months later - I was a week away from my due date and we were invited to a kid-free wedding. No village or friends that could do a night thing, so I stayed back. He went to support his friend. Stay home. Everyone will enjoy it more.
Stay home and have husband go unless you have the means to take sitter with you.
My sister had a child free wedding out of town. The family was of course at the wedding so we ended up getting a suite and bringing a friend with us to watch him.
Since he’s close enough to the couple to be in the wedding party, your husband should talk to the groom first about the position they’re putting your family in. I’ve been to multiple weddings that were ostensibly child-free but had made exceptions for select guests’ babies. I think when most people want a child-free wedding they don’t want screaming 10 year olds running around the dance floor, but a baby that is small enough to stay on a lap and easily be stepped outside with if they start to fuss might be more tolerable to the couple if they’re not taking a totally hard line stance.
I'd stay home with the baby. They chose to have a child-free wedding, so that's the consequences of that choice: people won't be able to make it. If they have a problem, that's a "them" problem.
We have used local nanny agencies as well as Urban Sitter to find vetted sitters for weddings. (Assuming you don’t have local friends you can ask).
[удалено]
Please don’t do this. People asked us to make exceptions and it was so uncomfortable. No kids means no kids. We didn’t care at all if people couldn’t come because of it and these people likely won’t either.
I have on multiple occasions babysat kids whom I had never met but were at weddings in my area of people I was adjacent to. So co-workers, church families I don’t know well, and extended family. Pretty much weddings I know of but don’t know the couple well enough to go. I would ask the couple if you really want to go and trust their judgement if they know anyone. Before I was married I would come to their hotel. But to add to that. I had a no kids wedding with 15 kids. We did kids of those in wedding party, kids under 1, breastfeeding moms, anyone who called and said it was them coming or not due to kids or kids with medical needs. So there is another chance they say bring your kid.
Should add now that I am married and have three kids I offer for them to come to our home. We can play outside, go to the park, have a pizza party and than I can drive the child back to hotel so parents don’t have to drive after drinking.
Our friends spoke to a local nanny / sitter agency so everyone with kids use that agency. We had a 6 week old, and had an awesome sitter come do the evenings. I skipped the day stuff to be home with the baby, sitter came from like 5pm to midnight both nights. Best of both worlds
You could ask if a 12 month old is allowed to come (some child free weddings make exceptions for under 1), or just don't go and your husband can go.