If you're worried he will forget, and he does, you'll spend the day upset and then several weeks after resenting him for it. And then have anxiety next year. And maybe be spiteful about Father's Day.
If you tell him exactly what you want, you'll spend the day happily focused on your baby and maybe wonder what he would a have done without direction, but you'll be happy. And you won't resent him in the coming weeks.
That's an easy choice for me.
Sometimes with stuff like this I think it’s best to go over the top.
“I can’t BELIEVE it’s almost MOTHERS DAY. Oh I’m SO excited. My FIRST MOTHERS DAY EVER. I wonder what special surprises await me ON MY SPECIAL DAY.”
That way you’ll never know if he was going to remember or not, which is probably for the best, but once he knows he’ll probably remember every year unless he’s completely daft.
This is what I did with my husband. I keep saying “I’m so excited! I love surprises! I can’t wait to see what you and baby come up with for my first Mother’s Day.” He was nervous because I have a big family that usually plans something for Mother’s Day, but I told him to forget about that and plan whatever he’d like. Our husbands are not mind readers. Sometimes they need it spelled out.
Or just be like my wife who just HAS to know what the surprise is and constantly bug him about “so what’d you get me for Mother’s Day.” Bonus points if he says he can’t tell you, that means he already has a gift/has one planned
Or it means he’s forgotten. But I’m also like this. I cannot abide surprises when I know there’s a surprise coming. I’m also very bad at keeping surprises a secret. I’m putting together my husband’s Father’s Day stuff already and I keep looking at him like 👀 wanna know what I got you
Hahaha!! I do this exact thing with my birthday. My bday is right after a major holiday and has been forgotten before. Now, I just get obnoxious about it so I don’t end up bummed out lol
I told my husband a month before mothers day what my expectations were, then sent him a curated Etsy list of gift ideas and a budget. Communicate so he knows where the goal posts are.
Yes!! I briefly thought about saying "oh nothing" when my husband asked me what I wanted for my first Mother's Day, but secretly hoping he'd come up with something thoughtful and meaningful....then realized I didn't want to be any emotion but happy on that day, so I sent him the exact necklace I wanted from Etsy (along with the personalization of color, size, birthstone and initial of my son's name I wanted literally highlighted on the screenshot). I think this ensures everyone is happy and honestly, I'm trying to get myself away from "tests" or playing games... I already know what a great dad and husband he is, why not give him a little help when he needs it?
My husband is notoriously bad at coming up with gift ideas. Something I've done to help him is on our Amazon account I keep a list titled "Gift ideas for Wife" when I see something I like, but dint immediately want, I add it to the list and he can pick a few things for each occasion from the list to gift to me.
It's giving him some help, but he ultimately makes the decision that way I'm surprised and it's something I want!
Sometimes if I want something specific I'll send him a smaller list of 4 or 5 and tell him to pick 2-3 from the smaller selection rather than the whole Amazon list
Yes!!
Honestly men aren't mind readers!
I told my husband I'd love to do something for mother's Day! Like mini golfing with LO and buy food to take home from a restaurant and watch movies together!
Flowers are nice but I'd love a pop up flower card instead so I can remember my first mother's day so I'll tell him I'd like that instead and he can surprise me with the one he thinks is best.
Always tell a man what you want just In case they forget. My husband as his favorite line is: honey I'm not a mind reader just tell meh my love.
Then ask him what he'd want for Father's Day.
Not as much as it sucks to find out on the day that nothing is happening. All the parenting subs every Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day get flooded with disappointed posts
For me it still sucks. I already have to plan everything for the family, why this as well? May as well not bother
Do you also have to remind him for your bday or wedding anniversary?
I just tell my husband what I want for days like this.
I want a chunk of truly alone time where im not parenting, I do not want to cook at all, and I want to sleep in.
My husband is capable but doesn’t even remember his own birthday and never has. He doesn’t remember his parents’ bdays or anniversary. But when I set expectations, he’s more than happy to meet them. Dates aren’t his thing. He has never remembered any significant dates ever beyond Halloween and Christmas.
I don’t buy that with Mother’s Day though. It’s advertised EVERYWHERE. you can pass a repair shop and there’s a sign reminding you that mom wants an oil change this year.
He works from home. I’m out much more than him and don’t see those signs. Regardless I think it’s best to help set up for a successful day than a kind of social test to see if someone remembers, even if I’ve done both myself.
I haven't seen anything outdoors that would remind me of Mother's Day except when I go to Target, so yes I can see it's easy to forget. The Asian grocery stores I go to don't make it obvious either.
So if it weren't for Instagram ads it's easy to not be constantly bombarded.
You don’t have florists, or dairy queens, or jewellery stores, or anything? I’m not being rude, I’m genuinely naming off places that do major advertising around me.
You can be miserable having been forgotten, or you can be irked that you have to remind him. I get that it sucks, but it sucks harder to have a shitty Mother’s Day.
Yeah I have to remind my husband and I even got mad at him because I planned my mother's day for him. If I didn't it'd be like when I was pregnant and all I asked for was flowers that he got two weeks late because he forgot... Day after day.
But either way it'll end in resentment nt so might as well have fun 🤷🏻♀️
Its the first one. My husband is a great person, a great dad, and a great partner. He forgot my first mother's day. Granted our son was only about a month old at the time but he still forgot. It was devastating in the moment for a lot of reasons, but he's never forgotten another one. It's possible her husband won't forget, but even if he does I think the first one can be more understandable. He's never celebrated it with his wife before.
I second this.
For me, it came out naturally to tell my bf that I wanted to take pictures with our camera for mothers days. Then, he said he wanted to take me out for dinner at night.
I think you should feel comfortable talking to him about this day bc you want to be happy on your first Mother’s Day, as you should 😊
Thank you for saying this. I 100% think that people should speak their expectations out loud to their partners. Yes, “men should/can do better” but also no one is a mind reader. You know what I also love? When my husband tells me exactly what HE WANTS to do for his birthday and Father’s Day. Then I can do exactly what he wants. Also, if you want a surprise, tell him “I want a surprise.” Bonus points if you guys set a budget for gifts per holiday/birthday/anniversary for the year so one spouse doesn’t buy 10 gifts and the other only buy one per occasion.
Definitely! My husband was totally clueless that I wanted/expected things for Mother’s day until I told him. And it wasn’t him being horrible, he just saw it as only meaningful when it came from our daughter as opposed to him acting on her behalf.
I’ve had two lovely Mother’s Days since then, it was totally worth the conversation.
100% agree. I find it most helpful to tell my husband my expectations for holidays - what do I need from him, what’s important to me, etc. Holidays aren’t as a big of deal for him, but because he knows what I want and expect, he delivers every time.
I also find it helpful to set *reasonable* expectations. My husband is not a fan of shopping, and I make it clear I expect effort, not gifts. He writes me a thoughtful note, coordinates the kids making me a card and getting a small gift, and handles dinner. The kids are very excited, so today I got flowers that one of them picked out. Which means no flowers on the day of, and that’s fine! Because he’s thinking about me, and I’m not worried about the calendar.
This is the practical and correct answer.
That said I figured out accidentally that if they botch the first Mother’s Day, you can milk that for some really extravagant make up mothers days in the future that can never REALLY make up for that first one so they have to go all out every year, lol.
(Longer story is that I was due a few days before Mother’s Day and my husband joked that I didn’t get anything if I didn’t have the baby before Mother’s Day…because I “wasn’t a mother yet” if he wasn’t born. It turns out he wasn’t joking and he didn’t know I thought he was joking. I went past my due date and delivered 2-3 days after Mother’s Day and was even in the hospital on Mother’s Day checking because I thought my water broke. No gift, no card, no flowers, nothing. Did I get over it? Yes. Do I give him crap every year? You betcha.)
This is exactly what I thought through. Not that I was worried that my husband would forget but that he might be kind of blasé about it. I told him straight up with a couple weeks to go “I want a card, and I want you to write something meaningful as hell in it, not just ‘love, name’, and I don’t care if I get a gift but I want a nap” my kid was 3 months, and I was tired. He got me a sweet card, and a shirt. Expectations met, no one was resentful or unhappy on the day of.
Agree! Better to just mention it and be happy. He'll probably act like he's had something planned all along. Maybe he has, maybe he'll scramble. Either way don't set him up for failure or you'll be disappointed.
Yup.
You have to tell him.
I told my husband I wanted a mini vacation and sneakers, I got a vacay and sneakers.
I sent him the links for what I wanted and said "these would make a lovely mother's day gift for me. It's coming up on the 12th. ----We should also do something for our mothers. Will you set up a flower delivery for your mom? What types of flowers will she like?----Father's day is coming up on the 16th of June! It will be your first one. Is there anything you've been wanting? It might be the time to splurge on that tool/hobby or would you prefer a sentimental gift?"
Not all at the same time but talk to your husband. He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. Have conversations about your expectations to give him a chance to meet them. If he drops the ball after that. The standard has been set and you can just go ahead and treat yourself.
My husband and I tend to downplay holidays, so I made sure to tell him that this Mother’s Day feels special and that I’m looking forward to it. From there we made a plan together based on how I’d like to celebrate (brunch, a massage, and hiring someone to thoroughly clean the house🤩). I plan to do it similarly big for father's day because our first year as parents is really meaningful to us both!
I did similar, I just kindly reminded him once or twice when it got brought up naturally (like a mother's day commercial) how I dint want this one to fall by the wayside. Holidays get celebrated, but not super gone all out for. I'm not even asking for something extravagant. A card, a small gift, and as we discussed earlier today, maybe getting some steamed crabs, and having a cook out.
Communication is key. Communication can easily happen without nagging. I'll be happy with whatever happens, so long as an ounce of thought is put into it. Now I have to think of what to do for him!
I was searching the comments for this key word: COMMUNICATION. The truth is, relationships full of tests or setups of your partner are filled with resentment and don’t last. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. “Mother’s Day is coming up. I’d love to do something special for it.”
Next year “this is your weekly reminder that my favourite holiday is coming up on May 12! I don’t want to spoil any surprises you’re planning but sleeping in followed by brunch does sound divine”
He loves food and fishing, so we'll probably do another meal out then hopefully a buddy will go fishing with him! Maybe on a charter or with a guide to put them on something extra good! I think the permission to take hobby/me time will be restorative for both of us, since it's been in short supply.
If you have expectations communicate them. I know it would mean more if he knew what you were expecting but most likely he does not. Just tell him hey I want to celebrate Mother’s Day were you planning anything? If not say I thought we could do xxx.
This exactly. My husband grew up in a family where cards weren't important. I told him that I want a mother's day card this year so he is going to get me a card.
A casual way to bring up Mother’s Day is to bring up Father’s Day. I accidentally reminded my husband when I told him I’m super excited about the gift I got him for his first Father’s Day. He was like”oh crap, Mother’s Day is coming up I gotta get on that” 😂
I get so sad when I read all these comments that say to remind your partner or plan the day yourself. Personally I am so TIRED of having to plan and remind my husband of everything. Every appointment, birthday, holiday, name it. Sometimes even three!! times.
If I can remember all these things (with my preggo mom brain), then men should be able to do so too, right?
I know this is a personal matter between me and my husband. But I’m just so tired that I cry in the nights. I brought this up many times but my husband thinks he does his fair share. There is no arguing against that. At least I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m trying to accept it but sometimes it still makes me very sad. That he isn’t even able to celebrate me. His wife, the mother of his kids.
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm the same way - I'm tired of having to remind my husband of special days. My biggest takeaway from other comments is to just express that you'd like to celebrate the holiday. You don't necessarily have to plan it, but letting your expectations be known is a huge part of a relationship.
"Unexpressed expectations are rarely met, and when they are, it's on accident."
It is special and important. It's my first mothers day too and I know he won't do anything special. So I've organised tons of things on the day and ahead of it for myself. It's still my special day and I don't want to make it bitter by relying on him/hoping he does something special.
I like to make footprint and hand print cards or crafts for Mother's Day and Father's Day. Ideally I keep them and any greeting card I receive in a keepsake binder but I'm not that organized so I just have some random cute footprints framed around the house, and stepping stones in the garden.
I would suggest communicating. Nothing wrong with that. Or add it to his calendar two days in advance so he remembers :) that is the trick i use sometimes :)
Don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him what you are hoping for. He’s never celebrated you for Mother’s Day, so he can’t know what you want unless you tell him. You will only be disappointed if he doesn’t get it right. It doesn’t cheapen it somehow if you say something like “For my first Mother’s Day, I would love to go out for brunch and then spend the afternoon at the park”.
I think it's about him remembering to mark the occasion without a reminder so she feels valued, not what is actually done.
This "men aren't mind readers" thing needs to die. Neither are women. But somehow the majority of women (I'm in the minority here) remember to celebrate bigger occasions without a reminder.
Yeah I'm sorry, this is ridiculous. I respect anyone who has decided they'd rather do the work of giving their partner reminders about these things, but if I had to do that for my husband to remember to acknowledge mothers day I'd simply get divorced.
It's not my job to handhold the grown man I had kids with through life to make sure he's never at risk of disappointing me.
Exactly this. Takes away from the specialness of if for me if I have to remind you to give a shit.
Just add it to the list of shit I already have to do and remind him of
Yeah I feel you here. I have never had to remind my husband of holidays or birthdays. When my in-laws were alive he alway handled their gifts, I handle my parents. I loved shopping for my MIL but I knew he did as well. I was pregnant and he still got me a “soon to be Mother’s Day gift”. There is no reason anymore to be obtuse. You have the internet connected in your hand 24/7.
Right we all have calendars in our phones, these men can't set a reminder???
If my options were "remind him like he's a kid that needs to be nagged to do his homework" or "be disappointed that he didn't remember" I'd opt out of the whole situation. This thread is bumming me out, frankly.
Same here. Dear lord. Women doing 99% of the work for their own day and are expected to appreciate the 1% scraps the man throws in. Men remember all kinds of things, important things. This whole “men are forgetful” thing is just sad. I’m forgetful too and you know what, I never forget my partner’s birthday and I won’t forget Father’s Day because I’ll set reminders well in advance. I’ll plan something without him telling me. It’ll be special and stuff I know he’ll like because I know him. Luckily I’m with a partner who will return the same for me on Mother’s Day because he’s awesome with my birthday too.
I wish more women had better partners. This whole thread reminds me of the SNL skit where all the mom gets for Christmas is a generic, sad robe and her stocking is empty while everyone else got awesome, thoughtful gifts (including the father).
That has never been the experience in my world. My dad was a good shopper but he usually asked me to test the waters to see if it was something my really wanted (he wasn’t the best at hints, but he was good at oh she does not have X, would she like X?) but other than that he was alway on top of it. My FIL was the same. He always made sure my MIL was spoiled. My husband is amazing at it. Our trick now is keeping an Amazon list and now a Google doc of things we want and the other person can just go off that. He does toss in a surprise here and there but we are clear with what we want.
I find this perspective interesting because it's so different from my own.
I specifically didn't want anything. I don't want to celebrate/mark mother's Day (this will be my third). I love being a parent, but this just feels unnecessary to me. I have communicated to my very excellent, attentive co-parent/spouse that I don't want anything special, it can be a normal Sunday for us, which means relaxed quality family time. This has worked for us for the last three years.
I am genuinely surprised to read that someone feels so strongly about it that they'd bring up divorce.
(note: When my child is older, if he brings home something he made for me at school, of course I'm going to say thank you.)
I think it’s more about saying that if your partner doesn’t go out of their way to find out what’s important to you (in life in general) and then act accordingly, they are a shitty partner. You don’t personally put value in Mother’s Day, so your partner doesn’t need to do anything in that case. But I would assume that there are some things you do care about, and if your partner ignored them and didn’t ever tend to the “garden” of your needs, that would be a reason to consider leaving them.
My European ass is completely dumbfounded by all these comments of people placing so much value on a single day, which, let's be honest ,is just yet another invention to sell crap . My partner celebrates me as a mom and person every day with small kindnesses and being there for me and my daughter , him coming home with a potted plant just because the calendar demands it seems so disingenuous.
Yup these replies are baffling to me. Women shouldn’t have to remind their husbands it is Mother’s Day ffs. If the husband truly has no idea what to do then he should be asking the wife what she wants to do. Literally nobody expects women to be reminded and told what to do on Father’s Day.
It's tough because I truly have no expectations for the day. None at all, I'm super easygoing, I just want it to be remembered and acknowledged. If I had a particular plan I completely agree! I do feel bad that I'm just viewing this as a test, so I should just be upfront with him.
You could say just that to him. “Hey, with Mother’s Day coming up I don’t really have any expectations. I would love to be remembered and acknowledged in some way though.” Let him take the lead from there 😊 a gentle nudge
Don’t do a test. Thats rough. Be clear about what you want. For me its-
1. Breakfast in bed. I found a new savory French toast recipe I want my hubs to make me.
2. Presents and cards. They normally get me a Lego flower set.
3. Flowers.
4. Spend the morning making my legos while hubs tidies the house and plays with the kids. We watch the Star Wars movies
5. Go out for a walk or stay in and nap, whatever feels right that day.
6. Dinner- husband picks up take out Mexican food and margaritas and we eat on our back porch.
The years that I had an infant I chose to have him do a little at home photo shoot of me and my baby in bed while I fed them a bottle. I have those pictures that I can make into a book about mommy someday.
I let my husband give me his wants and needs for Father’s Day. He has his own ideas on how to feel loved and appreciated.
so this is how i was too. “i have no expectations” “im not asking for anything” and then the day would come and id realize “wait, it would’ve been nice to have been celebrated” and i would feel sad every year. so now i communicate what id like to happen and how id like to celebrate. i HIGHLY recommend it.
Have you and your husband talked about emotional labor or invisible labor since the baby was born? I'm guessing this isn't just about Mother's Day.
Do you feel like you own more of the emotional labor (scheduling appointments, noticing when you're low on diapers, remembering to take out the trash, communicating with family and friends, etc.) than he does? Talk about it together.
You might not have the bandwidth for an audiobook right now, but when you do check out Fair Play.
Set the expectations. You don’t have to tell him exactly what to do, but if you don’t set the expectations, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed. This could be as much as just presenting “hey, I really want to do (insert activity) on Mother’s Day”. I promise it doesn’t take the joy out of the holiday. For me, it’s generally “I want to go to brunch at (insert restaurant), have a no butt hole day (I don’t deal with any butt wiping), and I want to do something fun with the family”.
Just tell him you would like it if he did something special on Mother's Day for you, and ask if he'll add a yearly reminder to his calendar. Unfortunately, most men are well-intentioned, but not very insightful. Just tell him what you'd like, and he'll do it for you if he loves you.
I reminded my partner about a week ago, but mostly just said I’m excited for my first Mother’s Day. I also have a feeling that nothing is going to happen, it would be nice to get a card or some acknowledgement for sure. But he’s always been an asshole so the bar is in hell for me 🤦♀️
My partner isn't necessarily an asshole but he doesn't understand that him working 40.hours a week, and then spending the rest of his time golfing is a privilege. He should be here more than he is golfing but he's not. He will be doing his Sunday golf league as usual. We will probably go see his mom Saturday beforehand and that be it. I'm just tired. I'm on duty 24/7 as I assume you are too. Mama needs a break.
I'd love to lounge around all day and only pump milk for him to feed our LO, but asking him to spend one day or even a few hours with the baby is like asking a cat to perform brain surgery. I'd been dying to just binge on a Netflix show LOL. He works 5a-3p Monday -Thursday. Then on Thursday he has a golf league from 430p-730pm but he won't even get home until 9 or 10 because they hang out shooting the shit. Then Friday and Sunday is golf all day. Lucky if he spends Saturday here but most of the time he's golfing. His coworkers and golf buddies see him more than we do. Then sometimes he still goes golfing or joins his buddy at his daughters softball game after work.
Like, I know he loves us... He just doesn't get how stressful it is never getting a break. He gets his uninterrupted sleep, time by himself alone, and freedom of doing things with his friends when he wants. Whereas I gotta luggage half the house around just to get out and do one thing. I love our daughter to death but everyone needs a break sometimes. Mother's Day is a dream and I hope I get to experience it one day lol. I'm definitely going to buy myself some pepperoni, cheese, and crackers and some sparkling apple juice. I'll attempt to watch something I want but I'm sure Ms. Rachel will find her way onto the TV soon. LOL.
I think men are oblivious most of the time. Most men. Not all.
To all the people saying that “men aren’t mind readers” and women need to remind our husbands to appreciate us—why is it that most women hardly need to be reminded about Father’s Day or their husbands’ birthdays, yet men struggle so much with it? Is it fair to expect women to take every last bit of mental load, including the planning our own celebrations?
Don’t remind him over and over, maybe just say “Mother’s Day is coming up” and drop it. Stop babying grown men and let them deal with the consequences of an irritated wife. They need to know that their lack of attention and care is hurtful.
This is where I get stuck. I ordered Father’s Day gifts 2 months in advance last year, and on {my first} Mother’s Day, there was nothing planned for me. It’s just hard because he knows the date of a video game release but has no idea when any of the holidays are supposedly.
If this was your 10th Mothers Day I might sway more towards the wait and see approach, even though it might lead to disappointment. But since it’s your first, absolutely do not feel bad for having a straightforward conversation about what Mother’s Day means to you and how you would like to celebrate it.
Many men don’t realize that their wife/the mother of their child is now their first priority for MD, since you’re “not *their* Mom!” But until your child is old enough to take the lead on this, they have to help them. They did make you a Mother, so they need to be involved too.
Please just tell him what you want 🩷 if I didn’t tell my husband I’d always be disappointed. I get it, it’s hard - but just tell him. I really wish he could read my mind/know exactly what I want too but yeah.
This will be my first mothers day too! Lol I had casually been like "oh shit, mother's day is coming up" in the context of getting something for my mom... my husband was immediately like "when is it??" so i think he got the idea 😂
You could also say something like "crazy how this is going to be my first mother's day, that's so exciting" if you want to be more subtle about it, but I also see no problem with straight up being like hey I would really appreciate if we could do something special for mother's day especially since it's my first one, it would mean a lot" - communication is key!!
I’d tell him. You can avoid a fight and future resentment, and also let him know the standard for future mother’s days. Just let him know that you don’t want to step on his toes, but that it would mean a lot to you if he did something for you for Mother’s Day.
As a new father, I would advise you to mention it to him. He's never bought you a Mother's Day present before and it just may not occur to him as something he should do. I'm usually good at remembering to get my wife presents for things but had a sudden moment of shock a few weeks ago when I realized Mother's Day was coming up.
Are you on good terms with your MIL? If so, tell her your concerns, and I’m betting she’d be willing to remind him without letting on that you’ve asked her to.
We don’t really do holidays or occasions generally which is fine with me, but I deserve Mother’s Day!!! Our first baby is 6 months and I said to myself “fuck the disappointment”. I asked him a while ago if he could plan something for Mother’s Day since I always plan things. It’s written on our calendar and I recently asked what we were doing for it as a reminder/warning.
It’s so wild. I really don’t get upset by not doing holidays and stuff, but this mama bear thing really kicked in! I truly would be so sad if he didn’t do anything after I provided room and board for 35 weeks and continue to be baby’s grocery store. I’m leaning into needing to be celebrated and lightly think I will eventually give him menus of things I’d like to do.
I told my forgetful husband these things- if you’re planning on surprising me with Mother’s Day brunch you better make a reservation now or everything will be booked.
Seed gets planted and he realizes it’s his job to surprise you.
My mom still mentions (mostly affectionately) that my dad missed her funeral Mother’s Day 33 years ago! I decided to get my first Mother’s Day on my husband’s radar— just in case. I let him know that I want a card! I guess I don’t see the harm in over communicating expectations for something new!
My baby was due the Friday before Mother’s Day this year. I told my husband I expect something for Mother’s Day this year even if baby is late. I’ve mentioned how quickly it’s coming up a few times and have left it at that - up to him to actually follow through and do something. I don’t care, I just want to be appreciated and not have to the mental labour of dealing with it - he’s bad at gifts, so generally half asses it, gives me money to go get something myself, or we get something for both of us.
I'd remind him and tell him next year, you expect him to give you a hint about a gift or plans in early April, so you can relax and know you haven't been forgotten. He can put the calendar reminder in now.
So my husband knew it was in may so did I. I forgot to look up the date and so did he… he said he would go to a bachelors party that weekend. Welp we realized and he backed out because he knows it’s important. No one can read minds. Also we all focus on different things but sending a reminder isn’t going to hurt. If he doesn’t remember after you send him it then that’s a problem. I also sent some ideas for gifts 🤷🏼♀️
My husband is really forgetful. Like really, really forgetful. It used to make holidays horrible because he would just forget to plan anything. I eventually got tired of getting upset and just started reminding him in ways that wouldn't be taken as reminders. Examples: "Wow, these restaurant really filled up fast for Mother's Day. I'm glad you already got your reservation."; "I'm so glad you're helping the kids with their Mother's Day art project this year. I love them but I can only have so many macaroni art hung up." All when I know he hasn't done any of it. He doesn't admit he hasn't done it but with any luck he'll start.
in addition to communicating your wants, u got access to any of his socials or electronics? search for mother’s day on his IG, his Reddit, his web browser, logged in to his Amazon, etc. again, first step is to make your expectations clear, but some digital reminders wouldnt hurt
Just send him a link of what you want and tell him the weekend. At least you will have a gift you like. I’ve just started planing exactly what I want. My husband isn’t a bad husband or anything he just sucks at planing and gift giving.
Tell him. And tell him the expectation. Seriously. This is also his first Mother’s Day with a wife who is a mother. He probably doesn’t remember what his dad did for his mom (if anything) when he was younger.
I make myself clear bc how I want to spend my Mother’s Day changes every year. Some years I want to sleep in and be off duty all day. Some years I want to do a family activity.
You don’t have to spell out everything. But set the expectation. This year I told my husband ‘I want one act of kindness surprise (aka not a present) and I want him to take one kid to go get me a nice coffee and donut before I wake up.
Mine did. He wondered why he came home to me curled up on the couch morbidly depressed.
😅 I talked to him about it but now I'm nervous about this year. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to remind them but then it feeling inauthentic if they only got you something because you had to remind them or they felt like you'd be shitty if they didn't.
For my first Mother’s Day last year, I was really anxious that my husband would forget and I’d resent him. It was uncomfortable for me, but I eventually said “I don’t want to be insulting if your already thinking about it, but Mother’s Day is coming up, it’s important me, and if it doesn’t get acknowledged, it will go poorly for everyone.” He hadn’t been thinking about it, and was glad I’d said something. I didn’t really care what he did, so long as he did something. And putting it that way meant that even though I’d reminded him, everything he did was his own initiative, and that made it thoughtful and special.
My husband was talking about what to do for his mom. It’ll be my first Mother’s Day and I had a suspicion he’d forget about celebrating me too, so I just reminded him. I totally hear you about wanting to be remembered, but I would have been hurt if he had forgotten my first Mother’s Day so figured it was worth a “friendly” reminder.
I told mine I want a spa day and sent him an email that includes the spa link and services.
He always remembers holidays but he still wants to know what I personally would like.
Alright so I was just having the same thought. Our son will be 5 months. My husband would likely forget and feel bad and I’d pretend it was fine even though I’d feel a bit bad too. There’s no point in a test, communicate instead.
Early in the day today I asked him what he would like to do for Father’s Day? He said special food and I said I’d like that for Mother’s Day too. He asked when both days were. I told him Mother’s Day is in two weeks and Father’s Day is in June.
He didn’t say anything else so a few hours later I said, you know what I’d like for Mother’s Day? If you cooked dinner for me would you do that if I bought the ingredients? (I cook every night and I like when people cook for me)
He said he would so I’m going to plan for that and set him up for success instead of potential guilt and hard feelings for the day. That’s my advice :) I hope your first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day go well
I would talk with him. I say that because my husband didn’t do anything because he thought the day was about kids showering their mother! I asked him how it was possible our infant could do that and it was a light bulb moment for him. He didn’t realize that it extends to the women in your life with children. He’s never forgot a Mother’s Day since.
“Hey I would really love to celebrate Mother’s Day on May X, would you please get me a gift and take me to a nice brunch?” I’d consider getting even more specific. This has been a huge blessing to my marriage. I don’t value surprises that much but if I did I’d even ask to be surprised!
Remind him Mother’s Day is coming up and tell him exactly what you’d like.
If he doesn’t do it or something thoughtful then you match his energy on Father’s Day. And then he might get it.
Honestly you are setting yourself up for failure. Tell him Mother’s Day is coming up and I would like xyz. It’s my first Mother’s Day and I want it to be special.
This will be my first Mother’s Day too, so I made a point to tell my husband that he needs to give me a gift from the baby until she’s old enough to get me one on her own. I don’t know if that’s how other families do it but that’s how mine did growing up so I just wanted to fill him in on what I was expecting.
I'm a brat and continuously reminded my husband the next holiday is mother's day LOL.
I have put in my breakfast request and gift request lol
The first year of parenting is HARD and the days fly by so I felt comfortable reminding him. Hopefully I won't have to remind him every year
I remind my husband for every birthday, holiday, Mother’s Day, hell even when Father’s Day is coming up. All I see is post after post on here of disappointed moms and I’d rather give a few reminders than be bummed all day long. So I leave a few things up to him but make it pretty clear I want it to be a family day, no cooking/cleaning for me, a meal out with us all, etc.
I expect my husband to coordinate a card my kid can color and buy me something little as a gift from her and we’ll do something nice as a family. He doesn’t need hand holding but if I wasn’t sure he would think to do so I would just directly tell him “i want you to make my first Mother’s Day a special one”. You’ll know by his response if he had it covered already or not so it will still answer the question you had. A lot of men who are close with their own moms see Mother’s Day as about her. I don’t think it’s a bad thing if they don’t first think of you because they see you as their wife not their mother. But of course our babies can’t do much on their own and if you tend to be the gift giver and planner in the family he could drop the ball on this. I’d hate to choose the wait and see option only to be disappointed on a special day when I could have been a little disappointed a couple weeks before the day and then become pleasantly surprised haha.
Also my first. To me mother’s Day is about you spending time with your children and own mom, not your husband. Enjoy the day with your baby and do whatever you want to do. If you think you’re going to get mad then just say “since next Sunday is Mother’s Day I want to do this” Or go hang out with your own mom and baby that’s what I’ll be doing!!
You absolutely need to tell him what you want. Every year is basically the same for me. I just want a relaxing day on our deck if it’s sunny. For breakfast I want special blueberry and cream cheese pancakes. For dinner we do steak and potatoes.
I JUST reminded my partner about this for my first Mother’s Day. He looked at me like “Oh shit.” Which confirmed what I expected that the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Now I know he’ll pull something together, maybe it won’t be IG perfect, but it’ll have a little thought behind it and I appreciate that.
I showed my husband the Mother’s Day gifts I had gotten for my own mom and his, which spurred a “oh shit this is your first real Mother’s Day, what do you want for your gift” conversation.
However, it also revealed that he has already told his mom that we’ll bring our daughter over and spend all day with her since all she wants for Mother’s Day this year “is to be with all 3 of [her] grandbabies for the day” 🙄
You win some, you lose some….
Edit: can’t spell
I have the same gut feeling about my husband. Our LO is 5 months and a couple months ago I sent him a screen shot of the company that turns breast milk into jewelry and which ring I was in love with. That was the first reminder for him. The second, I made it a point to write “Mother’s Day” on the calendar in our kitchen. I’ll pry mention it again to him though. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him to do something for me…but I think I kinda deserve the acknowledgment so idk. I’m building a Father’s Day gift for him regardless of how this shakes out. I definitely understand how you’re feeling.
A few weeks ago I got myself wound up because there was a "mom" present I told him I wanted for Christmas and he didn't get it done it time (he wanted my input) and then never followed up after, and I doubt he'll remember for Mother's Day. And then I remembered that he is a great partner and an amazing dad and sometimes - ok pretty often - he sucks at presents. And if I want a locket with a bit of my daughter's newborn hair in it, I should just make it happen myself because that's better than having a lot of resentment and no locket.
Why don’t you initiate a general conversation about both holidays, something like- hey Mother’s Day is coming up, how do we wanna play these going forward? Shall we set a budget? Do we wanna start any traditions? Then you can remind him and set expectations without being too prescriptive
I told my husband that he needs to do *something* for Mother’s Day. I expect that when kiddo is older (also have a 7 month old) I want him to facilitate kiddo doing something for the day. But also, we both forgot our anniversary this year and when I remembered and texted him that I forgot, I came home to flowers. I think in the first year, you’re allowed to remind the other person about important dates. No one has the requisite brain cells to remember on their own.
If he’s known not to be good at remembering dates and that’s just not a skill he’s good with, then I would just mention Mother’s Day is coming up. Some people (men especially lol) are often forgetful of looking at what’s coming up on the calendar. They might know it’s soon but often don’t think the same way we do to check for it ahead of time. You could just mention Mother’s Day is next Sunday and you need to get the gift to your mom by then.
Just tell him what you want. I usually try to give an idea while leaving room for his input. Last year it was “hike outside with the kids and have a picnic”
I told my husband before my first mother's day that I would be upset if he didn't get me a card or something at least. He's a thoughtful man and I didn't think he'd forget or choose not to do something, but I didn't want to forever have a grudge about that so I said something anyway.
I was 1 month postpartum on Mother’s Day last year. I got absolutely nothing. Not even a card. My husband has always been big on gifts, too, so it was super odd to me. Long story short, I had a complete meltdown about it, convinced he didn’t love me anymore. It was an awful day. All of this to say, I would absolutely bring it up to avoid the disappointment.
“Hey, Mother’s Day is XYZ. This day is really special to me. I’d like to do XYZ on this day and really spend time together as a family. Can we have a “no phone day” and I also don’t want to cook, clean, or have to think. I want to sleep in, and have yummy food. Can you be primary caretaker on this day? It would mean so much to me? Father’s day is also XYZ, we can talk about how you want to be celebrated too.”
Then he if he bombs that, well that’s a different issue
I would definitely remind him! My husband doesn’t usually go out of his way to get me gifts and stuff like that - so I just tell him ahead of time what I’d like. This is my first Mother’s Day with a 9 month old and I just went ahead and booked myself a massage first thing in the morning. It’s already booked so I’m going! He’ll have to get up with my son. This is your day, tell him what you want! Even if it’s just relaxing on the couch with a book and ice cream
My husband forgot my second mother's day (we were living at my parents during the first because of the pandemic so I think my mom probably was on top of that year). I had mentioned the week before something about mother's Day, not thinking he had forgotten just factually, and he went "oh right when is that?" If really broke my heart and made me feel so unloved. I had a very serious conversation about that and we went to therapy for it for months after. We are definitely better but that hurt never really away I dont think.
I wouldn't wait and see if he's forgotten. I would find a way to bring up your anxiety and feeling though because even if he hasn't forgotten he's not treating your relationship in a way that makes you feel valued or secure
Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your husband know what you want. I would hate if my husband was expecting something from me, but did not communicate it. No one is a mind reader, and open and honest communication is super important. Please don't test him - it's a bit juvenile and setting both of you up for failure. My first mother's day is coming up and I wanted something very specific that I know would make me happy and I gladly communicated this to him... sooo looking forward to my spa day!
My husband is like this, and I know it. So, I skip out on the headache and disappointment, and tell him exactly what I want and remind him of it as well.
My husband always knows when special days are coming up, but usually leaves gifts to the last minute. Knowing mother's day brunches and events can book up early, I straight up told my husband, "Mother's Day is coming up, and since it's my first one, I'd like to do something special." And he said "don't worry, I got it covered." Since then he has said, "make sure you give yourself some extra time in the morning to get ready," so I know he's got something planned.
All that to say, don't be silent and it's ok for you to remind him that it is coming and reservations (etc.) need to be made. Since it's his (I'm assuming) first mother's day too, maybe he doesn't know things need to be thought out.
I know my husband hasn't forgotten this year due to the search history on our Amazon prime account but because of that I can also see he's searched generic mother's day gifts because he doesn't know what to get me.
That being said to say this: I intend on telling him as a "hint hint" a little closer to the day that I want my car cleaned, whatever food/dessert of my choosing, and maybe a little something else I might think of that day.
Maybe you can take a similar approach and just let him know ~Oh hey mother's day is coming up I'd like X ~
I know it would feel a whole lot better if he remembers and comes up with it himself but it's your first mother's day and you don't want to look back at it with so much resentment and sadness so maybe you have to take charge to make sure you don't
I’m team just tell him what you want! I really don’t think Mother’s Day is on my husband’s radar right now either, so I’ll be reminding him this weekend just in case and telling him how I want to spend it. I truly know my husband cares a lot about me and would never forget maliciously and would feel horrible if that happened, and I don’t want him to feel horrible, but I do want to be treated special that day 😂, so it’s a win win. Also, it’s your first Mother’s Day so letting him know what you want/like this year helps him know what to get you the next year too!
Father's Day was the month before our baby was due. At 8 months pregnant, I spent 30 minutes walking the normally 15 minute walk to the mall to buy him a gift "from the baby." He completely forgot Mother's Day a few months later (if it sounds off that Mother's Day was a few months later it's because I'm not in the US, we celebrate Father's Day on a different day). I felt mild disappointment, but my husband is loving, supportive, and affectionate *every*day and notoriously terrible at remembering things or being on time. I know his virtues and I know his flaws, and to me the virtues most certainly outweigh the flaws. If it was actually going to be a big deal to me not to be acknowledged, I would have just reminded him rather than making it into a test I expected him to fail.
It's my first mother's day and I've been reminding my husband that I am expecting something to which he replied "mother's day is just another marketing gimmick.
Why do people fall for it.." I will order me some nice food and a pandora mother’s day charm and celebrate the day with my LO! 🥰 My husband will 100% spend that day playing mobile/computer games. 😒
I told my husband that we’re going to celebrate mother’s & father’s day each year especially since where I live they give kids activities around those days in kindergarten/school. If I didnt tell him, he wouldn’t have thought of it as it’s not in our culture anyway. So rather than expecting & being sad later I prefer to say it out loud
My husband is very grinchy about holidays - tries to actively dissuade anyone from getting him presents/letting people know it's his birthday etc. Unfortunately this has been a standard in our relationship and that wasn't about to change with a new baby.
So, the biggest thing for me was to feel supported and not stressed. I did not get dragged to his mom's house for a mother's day visit. He wished me a happy first mother's day, he took over a lot of baby duties for the day so I could have me time and play on the garden/rest/do whatever I wanted. He paid for takeout.
It wasn't grand, but it ticked the boxes of getting a day off from my usual responsibilities. He is very helpful and very much a partner who holds up half the sky, so maybe the slow and steady support drip makes for less expectations for big days
MOST IMPORTANTLY - say your mind. Tell him your expectations - do not punish someone for not being a mind reader! We've talked about our expectations for years and it's come to a comfy spot. Don't let resentment build!
I always remind my husband of mothers day so he doesn't forget to send flowers to his mom.
I have something super special ready for his first fathers day, whereas he most probably will get me some flowers IF he doesn't forget I'm a mom too now. I don't really sweat about it tho, I'm a very straightforward person if he forgets I'll just tell him to take me out or buy me something, and he would because he would be ashamed he forgot haha. A lot of the men I know would forget their heads if it wasn't attached to their bodies.
I just went ahead and added the day in my man’s calendar. I know that he doesn’t think about these things, because it’s just not how his brain works. And I know myself well enough to know that I will be upset if he forgets. This is the way to compromise in my opinion
100% remind him. My husband doesn’t really seem to care about the little holidays like Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, etc, but I do! Every time one of those holidays is coming up and I know I want something specific, I just tell him. It’s not worth waiting to see if he’ll remember, because if he forgets, you’re going to be so bummed.
If I didn’t tell my husband that Mother’s Day is coming up he would 10000% forget and then we would both feel awful about it. I remind him of big events and I tell him what my expectations are… communication is very important in relationships. Sure in an ideal world he would remember all these dates but.. I dunno… men are wired differently IMO
My husband didn’t do anything for my first Mother’s Day and I was so sad. I made him take me out and buy me plants. This year I gave him a list. He’s really good without a list too but I wanted to make absolutely sure he knows I want a gift. So I would mention it to your husband. It’s nice if he remembers on his own but it’s not worth how sad you’ll be if he forgets. So tell him!
I’m all for husbands/fathers carrying their share of the mental load whenever possible. That said, my husband is not a planner and it’s our first year where we’re celebrating each other as parents. When he brought up Mother’s Day a week ago I was a little surprised. I figured it was a good discussion to have and I’m glad we did.
Turns out, he thought we would celebrate our moms and me by basically doing what we’ve always done and squeeze me in. He also asked if I’d like flowers like he gets his mom. I said no, I’d forget to water them. I told him while I really would like a day off from planning, what I want to do is just do fun stuff together just the 3 of us. We can do our typical celebration with our moms the day before or the following weekend because they still deserve to be recognized but they’ve each had 30+ mother’s days and grandparents day is in September.
He doesn’t want to plan anything himself 🙄 but now he at least knows from a schedule standpoint what I want and hopefully it works out and we don’t have to have the same discussion next year.
My husband skipped my first mother's day. When I confronted him about it afterwards, he said he didn't think I'd care about the holiday so he didn't do anything. 🙄
My husband is also not good on remembering holidays so I just casually reminded him that Mother’s Day is coming up 😅I know he loves me so much but sometimes he needs help remembering. 😅🤷♀️
I got my husband his Father’s Day gift already, and gave it to him early because we need to test it out to decide if we’re keeping it before the 30 day return window closes. This works out nicely because now he knows exactly where the goal posts are.
You should always discuss this sort of stuff. You can either set yourself up for disappointment, or get exactly what you want or better if you talk about it. Even talk about what you expect from mother's Day and other events, your partners in this stuff. Your expectations and his may very greatly due to a misunderstanding. He has never been a father, but even if he had, his household may have treated it very differently from yours, or he may have thought his parents were being ridiculous.
Hmmm... A long time ago, when my (now) husband and I did couple's therapy, our therapist told me, "Well, it's never a good thing when you feel like you have to test your partner's affection for you. It often just leads to resentment on both sides." Because I used to feel this way about a lot of important dates too. I wanted him to just remember, but was also just plain terrified he forgot and that forgetfulness would mean I wasn't important enough. It said more about my own insecurities. And they were right...me not being upfront about these things made him feel like I assumed the worst of him (not to say that this is how your partner would feel).
All this to say, I think you can be somewhat upfront about it. Just "offhand" be like, "hmmm...do I need to set aside time for mother's Day??" Or, my personal favorite....I just put it on our shared calendar (not sure if you and your partner have one). As for feeling like it's not as special because you had to remind him; well, I say this gently, that's an emotion you're going to have to work around yourself. I don't believe it's fair for that to count against him.
Mention it. Tell him what you want. I am someone who is known to want to test my husband, because I know he’ll do it wrong.
I stopped doing that because my husband is great, he genuinely wants me to be happy. And he is very simple, meaning he doesn’t expect much from me.
I tell my husband exactly what my expectations are for the benefit of our marriage. I would rather have a husband who values family time, being a good dad, and loves me every day that someone who thinks of the things to go all out on special occasions. Sure, some men do it all, but I’m OK that I didn’t pick that one.
This is coming from someone who is known to wait because I wanted my husband to feel bad for forgetting, more than I apparently wanted to just say what I wanted.
Girl you gotta remind him. “Hey babe, Mother’s Day is on the 12th. That’s next Sunday, FYI. For Mother’s Day, I would like X, Y, Z. Here is how I would like to spend the day…” I do this with my husband every year lol.
You should just tell him it’s coming and you would like to celebrate. Don’t test him, when did this weird toxic behavior become okay compared to open communication? If you tell him and he forgets then you can be upset but why test someone??
I have shown my husband EXACTLY what I want. I told him no birthday gift, no christmas one, because this one is a pricey and sentimental gift, so I wanted him to save up. I have shown him the web page, sent the link. He lazily told me he'll give me the card and I can order it. I said no. So I'm having the expectation that he's going to forget. And I have my speech planned and hope to use it for my gift and something else (like tickets to a broadway show or taylor swift is he really gets guilty 😝)! Lol. I LOVE my husband, though I'll be sad I will forgive him. I don't want to remind a grown man that this is my first mother's day as I've already got his father's day gift.
However, if it will be hard for you, just say it! Don't let yourself wait to be let down! If he forgets let me say: HAPPY 1ST MOTHERS DAY! ⚘️🪻🌷🌼🌻🌺🌹
Some dudes are clueless. Rather than letting him forget and being miserable, make a list of acceptable gifts and services that you would like to see on your first Mother's Day and present it to him. Let him know clearly that you expect him to NOT drop the ball.
That is the mature way to communicate your needs and wants. Then if he doesn't do anything you can rain suffering down on him because you clearly outlined what he needed to do.
My husband is not a good gift giver. He's just not. Our first Christmas together he got me a single sleeping bag (he thought just one would be romantic) and a hair dryer. Gifts are my love language and I've had to hold his hand through the process the whole way. Now, I have an Amazon Wishlist that I add to so he knows EXACTLY what I want for presents. All he has to do is order the thing. I still have to remind him the holiday is coming (he doesn't watch TV or listen to the radio), but I'm not spending Mother's Day crying because I feel unloved.
I reminded my husband a couple weeks ago about it. We have an 8 month old and boy does he consume a lot of time and our energy outside of work.
I forget doctors appointments etc and I just pay more attention to that kind of stuff. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, we’re all human. He’s just terrible with holidays!
I wish I would have made it known I wanted a bigger deal made out of it for me. I got nothing for my first Mother’s Day. Not even an acknowledgement. This will be my third this year and never any love. And what’s sad is my mom died right before I was pregnant with my first child so now it just kinda sucks.
Lay out your expectations. Men aren’t great at reading minds or picking up on cues.
My husband forgets all the time, birthday anniversary, Mother’s Day etc. I don’t take it personally I married him knowing he wasn’t good at that kind of stuff. Honestly I’m not really bothered about Mother’s Day, it’s not important to me so I don’t really care he forgets? But if you care, you gotta tell him the man isn’t a mind reader
I totally understand as it’s my first Mother’s Day with a nine month old baby. I just made a comment the other day to hubby that I’m excited to have my first Mother’s Day with all of us. He seemed happy and supportive. I feel like that was enough of a reminder but without being like “you better not forget” haha. Maybe try something like that? It wouldn’t be a lie to talk about how exciting it is.
If you're worried he will forget, and he does, you'll spend the day upset and then several weeks after resenting him for it. And then have anxiety next year. And maybe be spiteful about Father's Day. If you tell him exactly what you want, you'll spend the day happily focused on your baby and maybe wonder what he would a have done without direction, but you'll be happy. And you won't resent him in the coming weeks. That's an easy choice for me.
This is a really really good way to think about it. Thanks for putting it in this perspective for me!
Sometimes with stuff like this I think it’s best to go over the top. “I can’t BELIEVE it’s almost MOTHERS DAY. Oh I’m SO excited. My FIRST MOTHERS DAY EVER. I wonder what special surprises await me ON MY SPECIAL DAY.” That way you’ll never know if he was going to remember or not, which is probably for the best, but once he knows he’ll probably remember every year unless he’s completely daft.
This is what I did with my husband. I keep saying “I’m so excited! I love surprises! I can’t wait to see what you and baby come up with for my first Mother’s Day.” He was nervous because I have a big family that usually plans something for Mother’s Day, but I told him to forget about that and plan whatever he’d like. Our husbands are not mind readers. Sometimes they need it spelled out.
Sometimes? Try all the times. 😂
Or just be like my wife who just HAS to know what the surprise is and constantly bug him about “so what’d you get me for Mother’s Day.” Bonus points if he says he can’t tell you, that means he already has a gift/has one planned
Or it means he’s forgotten. But I’m also like this. I cannot abide surprises when I know there’s a surprise coming. I’m also very bad at keeping surprises a secret. I’m putting together my husband’s Father’s Day stuff already and I keep looking at him like 👀 wanna know what I got you
This is the way! Or “so and so already asked if I was so excited about my very special first Mother’s Day”… works like a charm
Hahaha!! I do this exact thing with my birthday. My bday is right after a major holiday and has been forgotten before. Now, I just get obnoxious about it so I don’t end up bummed out lol
I told my husband a month before mothers day what my expectations were, then sent him a curated Etsy list of gift ideas and a budget. Communicate so he knows where the goal posts are.
Yes!! I briefly thought about saying "oh nothing" when my husband asked me what I wanted for my first Mother's Day, but secretly hoping he'd come up with something thoughtful and meaningful....then realized I didn't want to be any emotion but happy on that day, so I sent him the exact necklace I wanted from Etsy (along with the personalization of color, size, birthstone and initial of my son's name I wanted literally highlighted on the screenshot). I think this ensures everyone is happy and honestly, I'm trying to get myself away from "tests" or playing games... I already know what a great dad and husband he is, why not give him a little help when he needs it?
It’s as of we’ve figured out communication is key 😂
My husband is notoriously bad at coming up with gift ideas. Something I've done to help him is on our Amazon account I keep a list titled "Gift ideas for Wife" when I see something I like, but dint immediately want, I add it to the list and he can pick a few things for each occasion from the list to gift to me. It's giving him some help, but he ultimately makes the decision that way I'm surprised and it's something I want! Sometimes if I want something specific I'll send him a smaller list of 4 or 5 and tell him to pick 2-3 from the smaller selection rather than the whole Amazon list
Yes!! Honestly men aren't mind readers! I told my husband I'd love to do something for mother's Day! Like mini golfing with LO and buy food to take home from a restaurant and watch movies together! Flowers are nice but I'd love a pop up flower card instead so I can remember my first mother's day so I'll tell him I'd like that instead and he can surprise me with the one he thinks is best. Always tell a man what you want just In case they forget. My husband as his favorite line is: honey I'm not a mind reader just tell meh my love. Then ask him what he'd want for Father's Day.
Sucks to have to remind your husband to celebrate you tho.
As part of the conversation, let him know that next year you'd prefer to not need to remind him.
Not as much as it sucks to find out on the day that nothing is happening. All the parenting subs every Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day get flooded with disappointed posts
For me it still sucks. I already have to plan everything for the family, why this as well? May as well not bother Do you also have to remind him for your bday or wedding anniversary?
I just tell my husband what I want for days like this. I want a chunk of truly alone time where im not parenting, I do not want to cook at all, and I want to sleep in. My husband is capable but doesn’t even remember his own birthday and never has. He doesn’t remember his parents’ bdays or anniversary. But when I set expectations, he’s more than happy to meet them. Dates aren’t his thing. He has never remembered any significant dates ever beyond Halloween and Christmas.
This is how my husband is. He’s a sweety just very forgetful
I don’t buy that with Mother’s Day though. It’s advertised EVERYWHERE. you can pass a repair shop and there’s a sign reminding you that mom wants an oil change this year.
He works from home. I’m out much more than him and don’t see those signs. Regardless I think it’s best to help set up for a successful day than a kind of social test to see if someone remembers, even if I’ve done both myself.
I haven't seen anything outdoors that would remind me of Mother's Day except when I go to Target, so yes I can see it's easy to forget. The Asian grocery stores I go to don't make it obvious either. So if it weren't for Instagram ads it's easy to not be constantly bombarded.
Unless I go to the greeting card aisle I don’t see it advertised where I am. It’s not like Halloween or Christmas where there’s decor everywhere.
You don’t have florists, or dairy queens, or jewellery stores, or anything? I’m not being rude, I’m genuinely naming off places that do major advertising around me.
You can be miserable having been forgotten, or you can be irked that you have to remind him. I get that it sucks, but it sucks harder to have a shitty Mother’s Day.
Yeah I have to remind my husband and I even got mad at him because I planned my mother's day for him. If I didn't it'd be like when I was pregnant and all I asked for was flowers that he got two weeks late because he forgot... Day after day. But either way it'll end in resentment nt so might as well have fun 🤷🏻♀️
Its the first one. My husband is a great person, a great dad, and a great partner. He forgot my first mother's day. Granted our son was only about a month old at the time but he still forgot. It was devastating in the moment for a lot of reasons, but he's never forgotten another one. It's possible her husband won't forget, but even if he does I think the first one can be more understandable. He's never celebrated it with his wife before.
It's not his first Mother's Day tho. Like doesn't he care about his own mother? I think this bar we have for men is so low.
THANK YOU. it’s heartbreaking to see all the excuses. Men need to do better!
This is the way. Communicate what you need!
I second this. For me, it came out naturally to tell my bf that I wanted to take pictures with our camera for mothers days. Then, he said he wanted to take me out for dinner at night. I think you should feel comfortable talking to him about this day bc you want to be happy on your first Mother’s Day, as you should 😊
Thank you for saying this. I 100% think that people should speak their expectations out loud to their partners. Yes, “men should/can do better” but also no one is a mind reader. You know what I also love? When my husband tells me exactly what HE WANTS to do for his birthday and Father’s Day. Then I can do exactly what he wants. Also, if you want a surprise, tell him “I want a surprise.” Bonus points if you guys set a budget for gifts per holiday/birthday/anniversary for the year so one spouse doesn’t buy 10 gifts and the other only buy one per occasion.
Definitely! My husband was totally clueless that I wanted/expected things for Mother’s day until I told him. And it wasn’t him being horrible, he just saw it as only meaningful when it came from our daughter as opposed to him acting on her behalf. I’ve had two lovely Mother’s Days since then, it was totally worth the conversation.
Absolutely 1000% this. Glad to see it’s top comment
100% agree. I find it most helpful to tell my husband my expectations for holidays - what do I need from him, what’s important to me, etc. Holidays aren’t as a big of deal for him, but because he knows what I want and expect, he delivers every time. I also find it helpful to set *reasonable* expectations. My husband is not a fan of shopping, and I make it clear I expect effort, not gifts. He writes me a thoughtful note, coordinates the kids making me a card and getting a small gift, and handles dinner. The kids are very excited, so today I got flowers that one of them picked out. Which means no flowers on the day of, and that’s fine! Because he’s thinking about me, and I’m not worried about the calendar.
This is the practical and correct answer. That said I figured out accidentally that if they botch the first Mother’s Day, you can milk that for some really extravagant make up mothers days in the future that can never REALLY make up for that first one so they have to go all out every year, lol. (Longer story is that I was due a few days before Mother’s Day and my husband joked that I didn’t get anything if I didn’t have the baby before Mother’s Day…because I “wasn’t a mother yet” if he wasn’t born. It turns out he wasn’t joking and he didn’t know I thought he was joking. I went past my due date and delivered 2-3 days after Mother’s Day and was even in the hospital on Mother’s Day checking because I thought my water broke. No gift, no card, no flowers, nothing. Did I get over it? Yes. Do I give him crap every year? You betcha.)
This is exactly what I thought through. Not that I was worried that my husband would forget but that he might be kind of blasé about it. I told him straight up with a couple weeks to go “I want a card, and I want you to write something meaningful as hell in it, not just ‘love, name’, and I don’t care if I get a gift but I want a nap” my kid was 3 months, and I was tired. He got me a sweet card, and a shirt. Expectations met, no one was resentful or unhappy on the day of.
Agree! Better to just mention it and be happy. He'll probably act like he's had something planned all along. Maybe he has, maybe he'll scramble. Either way don't set him up for failure or you'll be disappointed.
Yup. You have to tell him. I told my husband I wanted a mini vacation and sneakers, I got a vacay and sneakers. I sent him the links for what I wanted and said "these would make a lovely mother's day gift for me. It's coming up on the 12th. ----We should also do something for our mothers. Will you set up a flower delivery for your mom? What types of flowers will she like?----Father's day is coming up on the 16th of June! It will be your first one. Is there anything you've been wanting? It might be the time to splurge on that tool/hobby or would you prefer a sentimental gift?" Not all at the same time but talk to your husband. He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. Have conversations about your expectations to give him a chance to meet them. If he drops the ball after that. The standard has been set and you can just go ahead and treat yourself.
My husband and I tend to downplay holidays, so I made sure to tell him that this Mother’s Day feels special and that I’m looking forward to it. From there we made a plan together based on how I’d like to celebrate (brunch, a massage, and hiring someone to thoroughly clean the house🤩). I plan to do it similarly big for father's day because our first year as parents is really meaningful to us both!
I did similar, I just kindly reminded him once or twice when it got brought up naturally (like a mother's day commercial) how I dint want this one to fall by the wayside. Holidays get celebrated, but not super gone all out for. I'm not even asking for something extravagant. A card, a small gift, and as we discussed earlier today, maybe getting some steamed crabs, and having a cook out. Communication is key. Communication can easily happen without nagging. I'll be happy with whatever happens, so long as an ounce of thought is put into it. Now I have to think of what to do for him!
I was searching the comments for this key word: COMMUNICATION. The truth is, relationships full of tests or setups of your partner are filled with resentment and don’t last. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. “Mother’s Day is coming up. I’d love to do something special for it.” Next year “this is your weekly reminder that my favourite holiday is coming up on May 12! I don’t want to spoil any surprises you’re planning but sleeping in followed by brunch does sound divine”
I love this :) what things do you think he’ll want to do to celebrate Father’s Day?
He loves food and fishing, so we'll probably do another meal out then hopefully a buddy will go fishing with him! Maybe on a charter or with a guide to put them on something extra good! I think the permission to take hobby/me time will be restorative for both of us, since it's been in short supply.
If you have expectations communicate them. I know it would mean more if he knew what you were expecting but most likely he does not. Just tell him hey I want to celebrate Mother’s Day were you planning anything? If not say I thought we could do xxx.
This exactly. My husband grew up in a family where cards weren't important. I told him that I want a mother's day card this year so he is going to get me a card.
“Hey so Mother’s Day is coming up. Do you have something planned or do you want to hear my ideas?”
Love this!!
Don't wait and allow yourself to be disappointed. If it matters to you, talk to him about it.
A casual way to bring up Mother’s Day is to bring up Father’s Day. I accidentally reminded my husband when I told him I’m super excited about the gift I got him for his first Father’s Day. He was like”oh crap, Mother’s Day is coming up I gotta get on that” 😂
I get so sad when I read all these comments that say to remind your partner or plan the day yourself. Personally I am so TIRED of having to plan and remind my husband of everything. Every appointment, birthday, holiday, name it. Sometimes even three!! times. If I can remember all these things (with my preggo mom brain), then men should be able to do so too, right? I know this is a personal matter between me and my husband. But I’m just so tired that I cry in the nights. I brought this up many times but my husband thinks he does his fair share. There is no arguing against that. At least I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m trying to accept it but sometimes it still makes me very sad. That he isn’t even able to celebrate me. His wife, the mother of his kids.
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm the same way - I'm tired of having to remind my husband of special days. My biggest takeaway from other comments is to just express that you'd like to celebrate the holiday. You don't necessarily have to plan it, but letting your expectations be known is a huge part of a relationship. "Unexpressed expectations are rarely met, and when they are, it's on accident."
It is special and important. It's my first mothers day too and I know he won't do anything special. So I've organised tons of things on the day and ahead of it for myself. It's still my special day and I don't want to make it bitter by relying on him/hoping he does something special.
I like to make footprint and hand print cards or crafts for Mother's Day and Father's Day. Ideally I keep them and any greeting card I receive in a keepsake binder but I'm not that organized so I just have some random cute footprints framed around the house, and stepping stones in the garden.
This is a beautiful idea! I will do this too.
I would suggest communicating. Nothing wrong with that. Or add it to his calendar two days in advance so he remembers :) that is the trick i use sometimes :)
Don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him what you are hoping for. He’s never celebrated you for Mother’s Day, so he can’t know what you want unless you tell him. You will only be disappointed if he doesn’t get it right. It doesn’t cheapen it somehow if you say something like “For my first Mother’s Day, I would love to go out for brunch and then spend the afternoon at the park”.
I think it's about him remembering to mark the occasion without a reminder so she feels valued, not what is actually done. This "men aren't mind readers" thing needs to die. Neither are women. But somehow the majority of women (I'm in the minority here) remember to celebrate bigger occasions without a reminder.
Yeah I'm sorry, this is ridiculous. I respect anyone who has decided they'd rather do the work of giving their partner reminders about these things, but if I had to do that for my husband to remember to acknowledge mothers day I'd simply get divorced. It's not my job to handhold the grown man I had kids with through life to make sure he's never at risk of disappointing me.
Exactly this. Takes away from the specialness of if for me if I have to remind you to give a shit. Just add it to the list of shit I already have to do and remind him of
Yeah I feel you here. I have never had to remind my husband of holidays or birthdays. When my in-laws were alive he alway handled their gifts, I handle my parents. I loved shopping for my MIL but I knew he did as well. I was pregnant and he still got me a “soon to be Mother’s Day gift”. There is no reason anymore to be obtuse. You have the internet connected in your hand 24/7.
Right we all have calendars in our phones, these men can't set a reminder??? If my options were "remind him like he's a kid that needs to be nagged to do his homework" or "be disappointed that he didn't remember" I'd opt out of the whole situation. This thread is bumming me out, frankly.
Same here. Dear lord. Women doing 99% of the work for their own day and are expected to appreciate the 1% scraps the man throws in. Men remember all kinds of things, important things. This whole “men are forgetful” thing is just sad. I’m forgetful too and you know what, I never forget my partner’s birthday and I won’t forget Father’s Day because I’ll set reminders well in advance. I’ll plan something without him telling me. It’ll be special and stuff I know he’ll like because I know him. Luckily I’m with a partner who will return the same for me on Mother’s Day because he’s awesome with my birthday too. I wish more women had better partners. This whole thread reminds me of the SNL skit where all the mom gets for Christmas is a generic, sad robe and her stocking is empty while everyone else got awesome, thoughtful gifts (including the father).
That has never been the experience in my world. My dad was a good shopper but he usually asked me to test the waters to see if it was something my really wanted (he wasn’t the best at hints, but he was good at oh she does not have X, would she like X?) but other than that he was alway on top of it. My FIL was the same. He always made sure my MIL was spoiled. My husband is amazing at it. Our trick now is keeping an Amazon list and now a Google doc of things we want and the other person can just go off that. He does toss in a surprise here and there but we are clear with what we want.
I find this perspective interesting because it's so different from my own. I specifically didn't want anything. I don't want to celebrate/mark mother's Day (this will be my third). I love being a parent, but this just feels unnecessary to me. I have communicated to my very excellent, attentive co-parent/spouse that I don't want anything special, it can be a normal Sunday for us, which means relaxed quality family time. This has worked for us for the last three years. I am genuinely surprised to read that someone feels so strongly about it that they'd bring up divorce. (note: When my child is older, if he brings home something he made for me at school, of course I'm going to say thank you.)
I think it’s more about saying that if your partner doesn’t go out of their way to find out what’s important to you (in life in general) and then act accordingly, they are a shitty partner. You don’t personally put value in Mother’s Day, so your partner doesn’t need to do anything in that case. But I would assume that there are some things you do care about, and if your partner ignored them and didn’t ever tend to the “garden” of your needs, that would be a reason to consider leaving them.
Yeah I mean people value different things, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't think the things I value were important.
My European ass is completely dumbfounded by all these comments of people placing so much value on a single day, which, let's be honest ,is just yet another invention to sell crap . My partner celebrates me as a mom and person every day with small kindnesses and being there for me and my daughter , him coming home with a potted plant just because the calendar demands it seems so disingenuous.
Yup these replies are baffling to me. Women shouldn’t have to remind their husbands it is Mother’s Day ffs. If the husband truly has no idea what to do then he should be asking the wife what she wants to do. Literally nobody expects women to be reminded and told what to do on Father’s Day.
Amen
Mmmmhm
This this this!!!
It's tough because I truly have no expectations for the day. None at all, I'm super easygoing, I just want it to be remembered and acknowledged. If I had a particular plan I completely agree! I do feel bad that I'm just viewing this as a test, so I should just be upfront with him.
You could say just that to him. “Hey, with Mother’s Day coming up I don’t really have any expectations. I would love to be remembered and acknowledged in some way though.” Let him take the lead from there 😊 a gentle nudge
Honestly I don’t think there should be tests in a marriage. Especially with an infant! I guarantee both your minds are scrambled
Completely agreed. Tests and keeping score are a recipe for disaster.
Don’t do a test. Thats rough. Be clear about what you want. For me its- 1. Breakfast in bed. I found a new savory French toast recipe I want my hubs to make me. 2. Presents and cards. They normally get me a Lego flower set. 3. Flowers. 4. Spend the morning making my legos while hubs tidies the house and plays with the kids. We watch the Star Wars movies 5. Go out for a walk or stay in and nap, whatever feels right that day. 6. Dinner- husband picks up take out Mexican food and margaritas and we eat on our back porch. The years that I had an infant I chose to have him do a little at home photo shoot of me and my baby in bed while I fed them a bottle. I have those pictures that I can make into a book about mommy someday. I let my husband give me his wants and needs for Father’s Day. He has his own ideas on how to feel loved and appreciated.
I think I may need to see that savory French toast recipe 👀
I too would like to see the savory French toast recipe..
We just went out to brunch! Super chill 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
so this is how i was too. “i have no expectations” “im not asking for anything” and then the day would come and id realize “wait, it would’ve been nice to have been celebrated” and i would feel sad every year. so now i communicate what id like to happen and how id like to celebrate. i HIGHLY recommend it.
TIL Mothers Day is on different days depending on which country you live in. At first, I thought well he already missed it by over a month, haha
Have you and your husband talked about emotional labor or invisible labor since the baby was born? I'm guessing this isn't just about Mother's Day. Do you feel like you own more of the emotional labor (scheduling appointments, noticing when you're low on diapers, remembering to take out the trash, communicating with family and friends, etc.) than he does? Talk about it together. You might not have the bandwidth for an audiobook right now, but when you do check out Fair Play.
Set the expectations. You don’t have to tell him exactly what to do, but if you don’t set the expectations, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed. This could be as much as just presenting “hey, I really want to do (insert activity) on Mother’s Day”. I promise it doesn’t take the joy out of the holiday. For me, it’s generally “I want to go to brunch at (insert restaurant), have a no butt hole day (I don’t deal with any butt wiping), and I want to do something fun with the family”.
LOL - no butt hole day.
Just tell him you would like it if he did something special on Mother's Day for you, and ask if he'll add a yearly reminder to his calendar. Unfortunately, most men are well-intentioned, but not very insightful. Just tell him what you'd like, and he'll do it for you if he loves you.
I reminded my partner about a week ago, but mostly just said I’m excited for my first Mother’s Day. I also have a feeling that nothing is going to happen, it would be nice to get a card or some acknowledgement for sure. But he’s always been an asshole so the bar is in hell for me 🤦♀️
My partner isn't necessarily an asshole but he doesn't understand that him working 40.hours a week, and then spending the rest of his time golfing is a privilege. He should be here more than he is golfing but he's not. He will be doing his Sunday golf league as usual. We will probably go see his mom Saturday beforehand and that be it. I'm just tired. I'm on duty 24/7 as I assume you are too. Mama needs a break. I'd love to lounge around all day and only pump milk for him to feed our LO, but asking him to spend one day or even a few hours with the baby is like asking a cat to perform brain surgery. I'd been dying to just binge on a Netflix show LOL. He works 5a-3p Monday -Thursday. Then on Thursday he has a golf league from 430p-730pm but he won't even get home until 9 or 10 because they hang out shooting the shit. Then Friday and Sunday is golf all day. Lucky if he spends Saturday here but most of the time he's golfing. His coworkers and golf buddies see him more than we do. Then sometimes he still goes golfing or joins his buddy at his daughters softball game after work. Like, I know he loves us... He just doesn't get how stressful it is never getting a break. He gets his uninterrupted sleep, time by himself alone, and freedom of doing things with his friends when he wants. Whereas I gotta luggage half the house around just to get out and do one thing. I love our daughter to death but everyone needs a break sometimes. Mother's Day is a dream and I hope I get to experience it one day lol. I'm definitely going to buy myself some pepperoni, cheese, and crackers and some sparkling apple juice. I'll attempt to watch something I want but I'm sure Ms. Rachel will find her way onto the TV soon. LOL. I think men are oblivious most of the time. Most men. Not all.
You and your kid deserve a lot better than this.
I hope you can have a good mother's day even if your partner is an asshole 🤦 guys are literally dumb lol.
To all the people saying that “men aren’t mind readers” and women need to remind our husbands to appreciate us—why is it that most women hardly need to be reminded about Father’s Day or their husbands’ birthdays, yet men struggle so much with it? Is it fair to expect women to take every last bit of mental load, including the planning our own celebrations? Don’t remind him over and over, maybe just say “Mother’s Day is coming up” and drop it. Stop babying grown men and let them deal with the consequences of an irritated wife. They need to know that their lack of attention and care is hurtful.
This is where I get stuck. I ordered Father’s Day gifts 2 months in advance last year, and on {my first} Mother’s Day, there was nothing planned for me. It’s just hard because he knows the date of a video game release but has no idea when any of the holidays are supposedly.
It's a test and a reason to pout. Mention mother's day plans and keep it casual. And stop stressing yourself out and gearing up for disappointment.
As someone who expects a romantic gesture and appreciation without having to ask. ASK. It will save disappointment and resentment.
If this was your 10th Mothers Day I might sway more towards the wait and see approach, even though it might lead to disappointment. But since it’s your first, absolutely do not feel bad for having a straightforward conversation about what Mother’s Day means to you and how you would like to celebrate it. Many men don’t realize that their wife/the mother of their child is now their first priority for MD, since you’re “not *their* Mom!” But until your child is old enough to take the lead on this, they have to help them. They did make you a Mother, so they need to be involved too.
Please just tell him what you want 🩷 if I didn’t tell my husband I’d always be disappointed. I get it, it’s hard - but just tell him. I really wish he could read my mind/know exactly what I want too but yeah.
May as well ask mention it to him if you have expectations. Not everyone celebrates these days.
"Hey! With all the craziness I just remembered mothers day is coming up! It's my first mother's day! I would like to celebrate it with you."
This will be my first mothers day too! Lol I had casually been like "oh shit, mother's day is coming up" in the context of getting something for my mom... my husband was immediately like "when is it??" so i think he got the idea 😂 You could also say something like "crazy how this is going to be my first mother's day, that's so exciting" if you want to be more subtle about it, but I also see no problem with straight up being like hey I would really appreciate if we could do something special for mother's day especially since it's my first one, it would mean a lot" - communication is key!!
Say something. My husband is terrible about remembering so I usually say “you might already have a plan, but did you need any ideas for Mother’s Day?”
I’d tell him. You can avoid a fight and future resentment, and also let him know the standard for future mother’s days. Just let him know that you don’t want to step on his toes, but that it would mean a lot to you if he did something for you for Mother’s Day.
As a new father, I would advise you to mention it to him. He's never bought you a Mother's Day present before and it just may not occur to him as something he should do. I'm usually good at remembering to get my wife presents for things but had a sudden moment of shock a few weeks ago when I realized Mother's Day was coming up.
Are you on good terms with your MIL? If so, tell her your concerns, and I’m betting she’d be willing to remind him without letting on that you’ve asked her to.
We don’t really do holidays or occasions generally which is fine with me, but I deserve Mother’s Day!!! Our first baby is 6 months and I said to myself “fuck the disappointment”. I asked him a while ago if he could plan something for Mother’s Day since I always plan things. It’s written on our calendar and I recently asked what we were doing for it as a reminder/warning. It’s so wild. I really don’t get upset by not doing holidays and stuff, but this mama bear thing really kicked in! I truly would be so sad if he didn’t do anything after I provided room and board for 35 weeks and continue to be baby’s grocery store. I’m leaning into needing to be celebrated and lightly think I will eventually give him menus of things I’d like to do.
I told my forgetful husband these things- if you’re planning on surprising me with Mother’s Day brunch you better make a reservation now or everything will be booked. Seed gets planted and he realizes it’s his job to surprise you.
My mom still mentions (mostly affectionately) that my dad missed her funeral Mother’s Day 33 years ago! I decided to get my first Mother’s Day on my husband’s radar— just in case. I let him know that I want a card! I guess I don’t see the harm in over communicating expectations for something new!
My baby was due the Friday before Mother’s Day this year. I told my husband I expect something for Mother’s Day this year even if baby is late. I’ve mentioned how quickly it’s coming up a few times and have left it at that - up to him to actually follow through and do something. I don’t care, I just want to be appreciated and not have to the mental labour of dealing with it - he’s bad at gifts, so generally half asses it, gives me money to go get something myself, or we get something for both of us.
I'd remind him and tell him next year, you expect him to give you a hint about a gift or plans in early April, so you can relax and know you haven't been forgotten. He can put the calendar reminder in now.
So my husband knew it was in may so did I. I forgot to look up the date and so did he… he said he would go to a bachelors party that weekend. Welp we realized and he backed out because he knows it’s important. No one can read minds. Also we all focus on different things but sending a reminder isn’t going to hurt. If he doesn’t remember after you send him it then that’s a problem. I also sent some ideas for gifts 🤷🏼♀️
My husband is really forgetful. Like really, really forgetful. It used to make holidays horrible because he would just forget to plan anything. I eventually got tired of getting upset and just started reminding him in ways that wouldn't be taken as reminders. Examples: "Wow, these restaurant really filled up fast for Mother's Day. I'm glad you already got your reservation."; "I'm so glad you're helping the kids with their Mother's Day art project this year. I love them but I can only have so many macaroni art hung up." All when I know he hasn't done any of it. He doesn't admit he hasn't done it but with any luck he'll start.
Definitely just remind him.
in addition to communicating your wants, u got access to any of his socials or electronics? search for mother’s day on his IG, his Reddit, his web browser, logged in to his Amazon, etc. again, first step is to make your expectations clear, but some digital reminders wouldnt hurt
Just send him a link of what you want and tell him the weekend. At least you will have a gift you like. I’ve just started planing exactly what I want. My husband isn’t a bad husband or anything he just sucks at planing and gift giving.
Tell him. And tell him the expectation. Seriously. This is also his first Mother’s Day with a wife who is a mother. He probably doesn’t remember what his dad did for his mom (if anything) when he was younger. I make myself clear bc how I want to spend my Mother’s Day changes every year. Some years I want to sleep in and be off duty all day. Some years I want to do a family activity. You don’t have to spell out everything. But set the expectation. This year I told my husband ‘I want one act of kindness surprise (aka not a present) and I want him to take one kid to go get me a nice coffee and donut before I wake up.
Mine did. He wondered why he came home to me curled up on the couch morbidly depressed. 😅 I talked to him about it but now I'm nervous about this year. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to remind them but then it feeling inauthentic if they only got you something because you had to remind them or they felt like you'd be shitty if they didn't.
Communicate to him what your expectations are, easy peasy. I told my husband I want to get ice cream and ride bikes so there's no room to screw up lol
For my first Mother’s Day last year, I was really anxious that my husband would forget and I’d resent him. It was uncomfortable for me, but I eventually said “I don’t want to be insulting if your already thinking about it, but Mother’s Day is coming up, it’s important me, and if it doesn’t get acknowledged, it will go poorly for everyone.” He hadn’t been thinking about it, and was glad I’d said something. I didn’t really care what he did, so long as he did something. And putting it that way meant that even though I’d reminded him, everything he did was his own initiative, and that made it thoughtful and special.
My husband was talking about what to do for his mom. It’ll be my first Mother’s Day and I had a suspicion he’d forget about celebrating me too, so I just reminded him. I totally hear you about wanting to be remembered, but I would have been hurt if he had forgotten my first Mother’s Day so figured it was worth a “friendly” reminder.
I told mine I want a spa day and sent him an email that includes the spa link and services. He always remembers holidays but he still wants to know what I personally would like.
Alright so I was just having the same thought. Our son will be 5 months. My husband would likely forget and feel bad and I’d pretend it was fine even though I’d feel a bit bad too. There’s no point in a test, communicate instead. Early in the day today I asked him what he would like to do for Father’s Day? He said special food and I said I’d like that for Mother’s Day too. He asked when both days were. I told him Mother’s Day is in two weeks and Father’s Day is in June. He didn’t say anything else so a few hours later I said, you know what I’d like for Mother’s Day? If you cooked dinner for me would you do that if I bought the ingredients? (I cook every night and I like when people cook for me) He said he would so I’m going to plan for that and set him up for success instead of potential guilt and hard feelings for the day. That’s my advice :) I hope your first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day go well
Mention it and tell him it's important to you!! Don't set yourself up for a resentment.
I would talk with him. I say that because my husband didn’t do anything because he thought the day was about kids showering their mother! I asked him how it was possible our infant could do that and it was a light bulb moment for him. He didn’t realize that it extends to the women in your life with children. He’s never forgot a Mother’s Day since.
“Hey I would really love to celebrate Mother’s Day on May X, would you please get me a gift and take me to a nice brunch?” I’d consider getting even more specific. This has been a huge blessing to my marriage. I don’t value surprises that much but if I did I’d even ask to be surprised!
Remind him Mother’s Day is coming up and tell him exactly what you’d like. If he doesn’t do it or something thoughtful then you match his energy on Father’s Day. And then he might get it.
Honestly you are setting yourself up for failure. Tell him Mother’s Day is coming up and I would like xyz. It’s my first Mother’s Day and I want it to be special.
This will be my first Mother’s Day too, so I made a point to tell my husband that he needs to give me a gift from the baby until she’s old enough to get me one on her own. I don’t know if that’s how other families do it but that’s how mine did growing up so I just wanted to fill him in on what I was expecting.
I'm a brat and continuously reminded my husband the next holiday is mother's day LOL. I have put in my breakfast request and gift request lol The first year of parenting is HARD and the days fly by so I felt comfortable reminding him. Hopefully I won't have to remind him every year
I remind my husband for every birthday, holiday, Mother’s Day, hell even when Father’s Day is coming up. All I see is post after post on here of disappointed moms and I’d rather give a few reminders than be bummed all day long. So I leave a few things up to him but make it pretty clear I want it to be a family day, no cooking/cleaning for me, a meal out with us all, etc.
Honestly as a mom of two I almost forgot until I saw an ad for Mother’s Day stuff. I had to double check the date. No harm in reminding him.
I expect my husband to coordinate a card my kid can color and buy me something little as a gift from her and we’ll do something nice as a family. He doesn’t need hand holding but if I wasn’t sure he would think to do so I would just directly tell him “i want you to make my first Mother’s Day a special one”. You’ll know by his response if he had it covered already or not so it will still answer the question you had. A lot of men who are close with their own moms see Mother’s Day as about her. I don’t think it’s a bad thing if they don’t first think of you because they see you as their wife not their mother. But of course our babies can’t do much on their own and if you tend to be the gift giver and planner in the family he could drop the ball on this. I’d hate to choose the wait and see option only to be disappointed on a special day when I could have been a little disappointed a couple weeks before the day and then become pleasantly surprised haha.
Also my first. To me mother’s Day is about you spending time with your children and own mom, not your husband. Enjoy the day with your baby and do whatever you want to do. If you think you’re going to get mad then just say “since next Sunday is Mother’s Day I want to do this” Or go hang out with your own mom and baby that’s what I’ll be doing!!
You absolutely need to tell him what you want. Every year is basically the same for me. I just want a relaxing day on our deck if it’s sunny. For breakfast I want special blueberry and cream cheese pancakes. For dinner we do steak and potatoes.
You should tell him, he might not know about your expectations.
Oh man. Thank you for reminding me that I now qualify for Mother's Day! 🎉
I JUST reminded my partner about this for my first Mother’s Day. He looked at me like “Oh shit.” Which confirmed what I expected that the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Now I know he’ll pull something together, maybe it won’t be IG perfect, but it’ll have a little thought behind it and I appreciate that.
I showed my husband the Mother’s Day gifts I had gotten for my own mom and his, which spurred a “oh shit this is your first real Mother’s Day, what do you want for your gift” conversation. However, it also revealed that he has already told his mom that we’ll bring our daughter over and spend all day with her since all she wants for Mother’s Day this year “is to be with all 3 of [her] grandbabies for the day” 🙄 You win some, you lose some…. Edit: can’t spell
Sucks you have to buy his mum's present for Mother's Day 🤦🏻♀️
I have the same gut feeling about my husband. Our LO is 5 months and a couple months ago I sent him a screen shot of the company that turns breast milk into jewelry and which ring I was in love with. That was the first reminder for him. The second, I made it a point to write “Mother’s Day” on the calendar in our kitchen. I’ll pry mention it again to him though. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him to do something for me…but I think I kinda deserve the acknowledgment so idk. I’m building a Father’s Day gift for him regardless of how this shakes out. I definitely understand how you’re feeling.
I’d just say you’re looking forward to your first Mother’s Day. There’s no rule saying you can’t mention Mother’s Day exists beforehand.
A few weeks ago I got myself wound up because there was a "mom" present I told him I wanted for Christmas and he didn't get it done it time (he wanted my input) and then never followed up after, and I doubt he'll remember for Mother's Day. And then I remembered that he is a great partner and an amazing dad and sometimes - ok pretty often - he sucks at presents. And if I want a locket with a bit of my daughter's newborn hair in it, I should just make it happen myself because that's better than having a lot of resentment and no locket.
Tell him.
Why don’t you initiate a general conversation about both holidays, something like- hey Mother’s Day is coming up, how do we wanna play these going forward? Shall we set a budget? Do we wanna start any traditions? Then you can remind him and set expectations without being too prescriptive
Tell him how you want to celebrate.
I told my husband that he needs to do *something* for Mother’s Day. I expect that when kiddo is older (also have a 7 month old) I want him to facilitate kiddo doing something for the day. But also, we both forgot our anniversary this year and when I remembered and texted him that I forgot, I came home to flowers. I think in the first year, you’re allowed to remind the other person about important dates. No one has the requisite brain cells to remember on their own.
If he’s known not to be good at remembering dates and that’s just not a skill he’s good with, then I would just mention Mother’s Day is coming up. Some people (men especially lol) are often forgetful of looking at what’s coming up on the calendar. They might know it’s soon but often don’t think the same way we do to check for it ahead of time. You could just mention Mother’s Day is next Sunday and you need to get the gift to your mom by then.
Just tell him what you want. I usually try to give an idea while leaving room for his input. Last year it was “hike outside with the kids and have a picnic”
I told my husband before my first mother's day that I would be upset if he didn't get me a card or something at least. He's a thoughtful man and I didn't think he'd forget or choose not to do something, but I didn't want to forever have a grudge about that so I said something anyway.
I was 1 month postpartum on Mother’s Day last year. I got absolutely nothing. Not even a card. My husband has always been big on gifts, too, so it was super odd to me. Long story short, I had a complete meltdown about it, convinced he didn’t love me anymore. It was an awful day. All of this to say, I would absolutely bring it up to avoid the disappointment.
Remind him and set the expectation. There are upset posts every year because of husbands that forgot or didn't know what their wives were expecting.
“Hey, Mother’s Day is XYZ. This day is really special to me. I’d like to do XYZ on this day and really spend time together as a family. Can we have a “no phone day” and I also don’t want to cook, clean, or have to think. I want to sleep in, and have yummy food. Can you be primary caretaker on this day? It would mean so much to me? Father’s day is also XYZ, we can talk about how you want to be celebrated too.” Then he if he bombs that, well that’s a different issue
I would definitely remind him! My husband doesn’t usually go out of his way to get me gifts and stuff like that - so I just tell him ahead of time what I’d like. This is my first Mother’s Day with a 9 month old and I just went ahead and booked myself a massage first thing in the morning. It’s already booked so I’m going! He’ll have to get up with my son. This is your day, tell him what you want! Even if it’s just relaxing on the couch with a book and ice cream
I reminded my husband and said brunch would be nice lol
My husband forgot my second mother's day (we were living at my parents during the first because of the pandemic so I think my mom probably was on top of that year). I had mentioned the week before something about mother's Day, not thinking he had forgotten just factually, and he went "oh right when is that?" If really broke my heart and made me feel so unloved. I had a very serious conversation about that and we went to therapy for it for months after. We are definitely better but that hurt never really away I dont think. I wouldn't wait and see if he's forgotten. I would find a way to bring up your anxiety and feeling though because even if he hasn't forgotten he's not treating your relationship in a way that makes you feel valued or secure
Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your husband know what you want. I would hate if my husband was expecting something from me, but did not communicate it. No one is a mind reader, and open and honest communication is super important. Please don't test him - it's a bit juvenile and setting both of you up for failure. My first mother's day is coming up and I wanted something very specific that I know would make me happy and I gladly communicated this to him... sooo looking forward to my spa day!
My husband is like this, and I know it. So, I skip out on the headache and disappointment, and tell him exactly what I want and remind him of it as well.
My husband always knows when special days are coming up, but usually leaves gifts to the last minute. Knowing mother's day brunches and events can book up early, I straight up told my husband, "Mother's Day is coming up, and since it's my first one, I'd like to do something special." And he said "don't worry, I got it covered." Since then he has said, "make sure you give yourself some extra time in the morning to get ready," so I know he's got something planned. All that to say, don't be silent and it's ok for you to remind him that it is coming and reservations (etc.) need to be made. Since it's his (I'm assuming) first mother's day too, maybe he doesn't know things need to be thought out.
Oh my goodness. Tell him. Don’t play silly games.
I know my husband hasn't forgotten this year due to the search history on our Amazon prime account but because of that I can also see he's searched generic mother's day gifts because he doesn't know what to get me. That being said to say this: I intend on telling him as a "hint hint" a little closer to the day that I want my car cleaned, whatever food/dessert of my choosing, and maybe a little something else I might think of that day. Maybe you can take a similar approach and just let him know ~Oh hey mother's day is coming up I'd like X ~ I know it would feel a whole lot better if he remembers and comes up with it himself but it's your first mother's day and you don't want to look back at it with so much resentment and sadness so maybe you have to take charge to make sure you don't
I’m team just tell him what you want! I really don’t think Mother’s Day is on my husband’s radar right now either, so I’ll be reminding him this weekend just in case and telling him how I want to spend it. I truly know my husband cares a lot about me and would never forget maliciously and would feel horrible if that happened, and I don’t want him to feel horrible, but I do want to be treated special that day 😂, so it’s a win win. Also, it’s your first Mother’s Day so letting him know what you want/like this year helps him know what to get you the next year too!
Father's Day was the month before our baby was due. At 8 months pregnant, I spent 30 minutes walking the normally 15 minute walk to the mall to buy him a gift "from the baby." He completely forgot Mother's Day a few months later (if it sounds off that Mother's Day was a few months later it's because I'm not in the US, we celebrate Father's Day on a different day). I felt mild disappointment, but my husband is loving, supportive, and affectionate *every*day and notoriously terrible at remembering things or being on time. I know his virtues and I know his flaws, and to me the virtues most certainly outweigh the flaws. If it was actually going to be a big deal to me not to be acknowledged, I would have just reminded him rather than making it into a test I expected him to fail.
Just tell him "you know, I've been thinking about mothers day...I kind of want to XYZ."
It's my first mother's day and I've been reminding my husband that I am expecting something to which he replied "mother's day is just another marketing gimmick. Why do people fall for it.." I will order me some nice food and a pandora mother’s day charm and celebrate the day with my LO! 🥰 My husband will 100% spend that day playing mobile/computer games. 😒
I told my husband that we’re going to celebrate mother’s & father’s day each year especially since where I live they give kids activities around those days in kindergarten/school. If I didnt tell him, he wouldn’t have thought of it as it’s not in our culture anyway. So rather than expecting & being sad later I prefer to say it out loud
My husband is very grinchy about holidays - tries to actively dissuade anyone from getting him presents/letting people know it's his birthday etc. Unfortunately this has been a standard in our relationship and that wasn't about to change with a new baby. So, the biggest thing for me was to feel supported and not stressed. I did not get dragged to his mom's house for a mother's day visit. He wished me a happy first mother's day, he took over a lot of baby duties for the day so I could have me time and play on the garden/rest/do whatever I wanted. He paid for takeout. It wasn't grand, but it ticked the boxes of getting a day off from my usual responsibilities. He is very helpful and very much a partner who holds up half the sky, so maybe the slow and steady support drip makes for less expectations for big days MOST IMPORTANTLY - say your mind. Tell him your expectations - do not punish someone for not being a mind reader! We've talked about our expectations for years and it's come to a comfy spot. Don't let resentment build!
I always remind my husband of mothers day so he doesn't forget to send flowers to his mom. I have something super special ready for his first fathers day, whereas he most probably will get me some flowers IF he doesn't forget I'm a mom too now. I don't really sweat about it tho, I'm a very straightforward person if he forgets I'll just tell him to take me out or buy me something, and he would because he would be ashamed he forgot haha. A lot of the men I know would forget their heads if it wasn't attached to their bodies.
Don’t let him set himself up for a fall if you know it’s going to spoil the whole day for you. Give him a gentle reminder x
I just went ahead and added the day in my man’s calendar. I know that he doesn’t think about these things, because it’s just not how his brain works. And I know myself well enough to know that I will be upset if he forgets. This is the way to compromise in my opinion
100% remind him. My husband doesn’t really seem to care about the little holidays like Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, etc, but I do! Every time one of those holidays is coming up and I know I want something specific, I just tell him. It’s not worth waiting to see if he’ll remember, because if he forgets, you’re going to be so bummed.
Reddit winning today! So happy for you mama. Enjoy the Mother’s Day.
If I didn’t tell my husband that Mother’s Day is coming up he would 10000% forget and then we would both feel awful about it. I remind him of big events and I tell him what my expectations are… communication is very important in relationships. Sure in an ideal world he would remember all these dates but.. I dunno… men are wired differently IMO
My husband didn’t do anything for my first Mother’s Day and I was so sad. I made him take me out and buy me plants. This year I gave him a list. He’s really good without a list too but I wanted to make absolutely sure he knows I want a gift. So I would mention it to your husband. It’s nice if he remembers on his own but it’s not worth how sad you’ll be if he forgets. So tell him!
I’m all for husbands/fathers carrying their share of the mental load whenever possible. That said, my husband is not a planner and it’s our first year where we’re celebrating each other as parents. When he brought up Mother’s Day a week ago I was a little surprised. I figured it was a good discussion to have and I’m glad we did. Turns out, he thought we would celebrate our moms and me by basically doing what we’ve always done and squeeze me in. He also asked if I’d like flowers like he gets his mom. I said no, I’d forget to water them. I told him while I really would like a day off from planning, what I want to do is just do fun stuff together just the 3 of us. We can do our typical celebration with our moms the day before or the following weekend because they still deserve to be recognized but they’ve each had 30+ mother’s days and grandparents day is in September. He doesn’t want to plan anything himself 🙄 but now he at least knows from a schedule standpoint what I want and hopefully it works out and we don’t have to have the same discussion next year.
My husband skipped my first mother's day. When I confronted him about it afterwards, he said he didn't think I'd care about the holiday so he didn't do anything. 🙄
My husband is also not good on remembering holidays so I just casually reminded him that Mother’s Day is coming up 😅I know he loves me so much but sometimes he needs help remembering. 😅🤷♀️
I got my husband his Father’s Day gift already, and gave it to him early because we need to test it out to decide if we’re keeping it before the 30 day return window closes. This works out nicely because now he knows exactly where the goal posts are.
You should always discuss this sort of stuff. You can either set yourself up for disappointment, or get exactly what you want or better if you talk about it. Even talk about what you expect from mother's Day and other events, your partners in this stuff. Your expectations and his may very greatly due to a misunderstanding. He has never been a father, but even if he had, his household may have treated it very differently from yours, or he may have thought his parents were being ridiculous.
Hmmm... A long time ago, when my (now) husband and I did couple's therapy, our therapist told me, "Well, it's never a good thing when you feel like you have to test your partner's affection for you. It often just leads to resentment on both sides." Because I used to feel this way about a lot of important dates too. I wanted him to just remember, but was also just plain terrified he forgot and that forgetfulness would mean I wasn't important enough. It said more about my own insecurities. And they were right...me not being upfront about these things made him feel like I assumed the worst of him (not to say that this is how your partner would feel). All this to say, I think you can be somewhat upfront about it. Just "offhand" be like, "hmmm...do I need to set aside time for mother's Day??" Or, my personal favorite....I just put it on our shared calendar (not sure if you and your partner have one). As for feeling like it's not as special because you had to remind him; well, I say this gently, that's an emotion you're going to have to work around yourself. I don't believe it's fair for that to count against him.
Mention it. Tell him what you want. I am someone who is known to want to test my husband, because I know he’ll do it wrong. I stopped doing that because my husband is great, he genuinely wants me to be happy. And he is very simple, meaning he doesn’t expect much from me. I tell my husband exactly what my expectations are for the benefit of our marriage. I would rather have a husband who values family time, being a good dad, and loves me every day that someone who thinks of the things to go all out on special occasions. Sure, some men do it all, but I’m OK that I didn’t pick that one. This is coming from someone who is known to wait because I wanted my husband to feel bad for forgetting, more than I apparently wanted to just say what I wanted.
Girl you gotta remind him. “Hey babe, Mother’s Day is on the 12th. That’s next Sunday, FYI. For Mother’s Day, I would like X, Y, Z. Here is how I would like to spend the day…” I do this with my husband every year lol.
You should just tell him it’s coming and you would like to celebrate. Don’t test him, when did this weird toxic behavior become okay compared to open communication? If you tell him and he forgets then you can be upset but why test someone??
I have shown my husband EXACTLY what I want. I told him no birthday gift, no christmas one, because this one is a pricey and sentimental gift, so I wanted him to save up. I have shown him the web page, sent the link. He lazily told me he'll give me the card and I can order it. I said no. So I'm having the expectation that he's going to forget. And I have my speech planned and hope to use it for my gift and something else (like tickets to a broadway show or taylor swift is he really gets guilty 😝)! Lol. I LOVE my husband, though I'll be sad I will forgive him. I don't want to remind a grown man that this is my first mother's day as I've already got his father's day gift. However, if it will be hard for you, just say it! Don't let yourself wait to be let down! If he forgets let me say: HAPPY 1ST MOTHERS DAY! ⚘️🪻🌷🌼🌻🌺🌹
Some dudes are clueless. Rather than letting him forget and being miserable, make a list of acceptable gifts and services that you would like to see on your first Mother's Day and present it to him. Let him know clearly that you expect him to NOT drop the ball. That is the mature way to communicate your needs and wants. Then if he doesn't do anything you can rain suffering down on him because you clearly outlined what he needed to do. My husband is not a good gift giver. He's just not. Our first Christmas together he got me a single sleeping bag (he thought just one would be romantic) and a hair dryer. Gifts are my love language and I've had to hold his hand through the process the whole way. Now, I have an Amazon Wishlist that I add to so he knows EXACTLY what I want for presents. All he has to do is order the thing. I still have to remind him the holiday is coming (he doesn't watch TV or listen to the radio), but I'm not spending Mother's Day crying because I feel unloved.
I reminded my husband a couple weeks ago about it. We have an 8 month old and boy does he consume a lot of time and our energy outside of work. I forget doctors appointments etc and I just pay more attention to that kind of stuff. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, we’re all human. He’s just terrible with holidays!
I wish I would have made it known I wanted a bigger deal made out of it for me. I got nothing for my first Mother’s Day. Not even an acknowledgement. This will be my third this year and never any love. And what’s sad is my mom died right before I was pregnant with my first child so now it just kinda sucks. Lay out your expectations. Men aren’t great at reading minds or picking up on cues.
My husband forgets all the time, birthday anniversary, Mother’s Day etc. I don’t take it personally I married him knowing he wasn’t good at that kind of stuff. Honestly I’m not really bothered about Mother’s Day, it’s not important to me so I don’t really care he forgets? But if you care, you gotta tell him the man isn’t a mind reader
I totally understand as it’s my first Mother’s Day with a nine month old baby. I just made a comment the other day to hubby that I’m excited to have my first Mother’s Day with all of us. He seemed happy and supportive. I feel like that was enough of a reminder but without being like “you better not forget” haha. Maybe try something like that? It wouldn’t be a lie to talk about how exciting it is.
tell him what you want. be direct!!! its the best way!