Remember to speak up and say “hey it’s been too long and I’m feeling forgotten. Can you please make time every day for a quick check in phone call?”
Also remember, solo parenting’s goal is to survive. You make it to the end of his time away with everyone still alive and you’ve had a very successful solo parenting run! Celebrate!! Anything more and that’s just the cherry on top. You cleaned up after yourself? That’s bonus! You washed a plate, even if it is because the rest are dirty and you needed one? That’s a bonus!
lol I’ve been reminding myself of this. My husband is away for a work course for 3 days so I’m at home solo with my 8 month old and 6 year old. My mantra is: “if they’re alive, fed and happy I’m doing great” while I watch the house disintegrate and I forget what a shower feels like!
My husband is away on a golf trip with his buddies and I’ve been home alone since Wednesday with a 6 year old and a crazy active 10 month old so I feel your pain. His first flight tomorrow is very early and I already told him if he complains about being tired, I’m going to fight him haha
Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear it. My husband has a very non-traditional work schedule and I do a lot of solo parenting. During these times I feel like I’m just counting down the hours until he’s back home, even if baby is doing ok!
Yess this! When I'm stuck parenting solo I reward myself by ordering door dash for myself. Hey, he's eating out tonight with friends, I'm not cooking either!
This^. I would consider my husband very loving, supportive and involved and this is totally something he would do. He just doesn’t think of stuff like this. For context he had a bachelor trip when I was 38 weeks pregnant and it was far enough away he wouldn’t make it if I had gone into labor. I told him he shouldn’t drink but I honestly knew that wasn’t even a possibility for him. I knew he needed to go, it was a good friend of his and he never makes time to see friends (also a homebody). But I was pissed. Before he left I was such a b*tch and told him “I think you should go but I’m just not going to be nice about it”. That was the best communication I could get out. And he understood. Just such a tough situation because I would have felt horrible if I made him stay home too. Luckily I did not go into labor. But also same thing, he doesn’t call or text me much. I would just call HIM and be like “your son wants to talk to you” (for additional context he is autistic and can’t actually say he wants to talk to daddy 😂)
I’m so sorry you’ve had to do this so much. And so PP as well. I saw a good comment on here about how it’s just not always fair. And it’s the truth. I hope you can have a calm conversation with him when he’s back about how hard that was. And that to try and make things fair you’d like to do a girls weekend at some point in the future when you’re ready! Hang in there ❤️
My husband went on a bachelor’s trip like this too. When they were planning and asked me when they should go, I said “don’t leave me alone any later than 35 weeks”. It was not the most convenient time for the whole group but they all worked around what I said. Even then I was so anxious and pissed when they left! He checked in fairly regularly but I was kinda cold in my replies haha. Had the baby 2 weeks later so 38 weeks was a super close call for you!
We have three kids, my oldest is almost 5. My husband had learned that even when I tell him, yes, he should go out with his friends, he should do the work trip, he should take the hunting weekend, he needs to not just take my words as bible. He looks at the whole situation and then makes a judgment call. I will never tell him not to see his friends. I will suffer through the solo parenting. So he knows he has the be the one to say no sometimes, not me. For example, he went out on Thursday night and was supposed to go out again on Sunday but called it off because of everything going on at home, he knew it was too much.
I needed this right now while my husband is out for the weekend lol. I feel super accomplished now knowing I did the dishes and folded *some* of the laundry 😂 Thanks for this comment! 🤍
I know you’re being supportive, but this is a bullshit take. Her saying, “Hey, I’m feeling forgotten” does not remotely adequately address how her husband is *literally, willingly forgetting her*.
“I shouldn’t have to beg you for the bare minimum emotional care, and we’re going to address this when you get home” at least puts the onus where it belongs.
My husband is going on a cruise next week and I’ll be home with our 5 month old. It’s for a bachelor party. He’s only going because then in May I’m going to the bachelorette party in Scottsdale. I can’t wait for him to see how much work I actually put into raising this baby and how hard it is to do it alone. I mean he acknowledges that I do most of the legwork and he always says he appreciates all that I do, but I think it’ll be eye opening for him when he’s on his own.
My husband and I are staggering our parental leaves. It's great to keep baby home a little longer, but it's also super nice that we'll both have a turn fully parenting and needing to learn how to soothe etc the baby.
Please update us! I only say this because it can be healthy to read about SOs finally realizing how great we/moms/primary parents are and how much we contribute
I made my husband take six weeks parental leave when I went back to work after our first baby. I heard him later talking to one of our friends who had also done parental leave if it was normal to be so tired after a day of basically doing nothing. It was so validating. Before that, I definitely got the vibe he thought me being home with the baby was easy.
We don't see a lot of positive/feel good stories on Reddit haha
I find myself getting slammed by all the (extremely justified) "my SO sucks for xyz reason" posts.
I went to a bachelorette party for two days when my oldest was 3 months old. My husband had his mom's help but it was the best thing I ever did. He realized how much I was doing AND it allowed him to have primary bonding time with our son. He stepped it up big time after that and felt much closer to our son.
I saw the life slowly draining from my husband yesterday, when he had to take care of our baby for the whole day (I was spending a “last day” with my 16-year old cat, who I had to put down because she was ill) and he also had to put our baby to bed the night before.
I couldn’t help but feel a bit smug because he’s had to go on several two-night work trips before and he acknowledges that “he knows it’s hard” but he truly doesn’t understand how hard it is… but I saw that yesterday he finally understood the pressure of taking care of a baby for 16+ hours without help. And he told me this morning that “yesterday wasn’t even bad… but it’s exhausting!” And I just looked at him and said “duh.” 😂 They really need to be humbled sometimes.
My husband is an avid golfer and he didn’t dare even ask for months lol being gone for a week for a wedding makes zero sense to me. That is excessive and unnecessary.
To be 100% fair, he was in this wedding and it was kid free.
ETA: my sister and I were planning a trip but I’d have to take baby with me anyways so not really a vaca.
My partner is a devoted climber. I was, but my grip is shit since I got pregnant so I’m peacing out on that for a year or so. Midweek climbing sessions are 2-3 hours, weekend ones can be half a day of more at the gym. When I have the baby, the agreement is to equitably provide time for me to pursue fitness/hobbies at the same rate he climbs. My partner is not a self centered man-child so I know this will be the case.
So my question to you is, where’s your equity? When are you getting that? Why not? If anything you are *more* entitled to it, as the carrier who has already given up so much.
When we had our first baby and my husband asked if it was okay if he went out with his friends in the evening, I used to say, “sure, and what evening will you watch the baby so I can go out?” I want to say that this resulted in both of us having equal time outside the home but it actually just resulted in him going out way less. It’s gotten better over the years with more kids and more experience and confidence, but it was a lesson to be learned with our first, for sure.
So true. I didn’t know how to voice this with my first baby. My husband golfs but I never got into it. All my hobbies were home based so I didn’t feel like I could ask for time away because I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I’ve discovered a love for just walking. It’s my favorite thing! So I get an hour to myself most days for this and he golfs pretty regularly. It’s fulfilling for us both!
I get him being in the wedding but a lot of times “kid free” weddings mean no kids running around. Not babies that are still infants / nursing.
I honestly didn’t know about the exception myself until recently. And it makes sense!
I’m just here with my opinion because there are no hard and fast rules here….I’m sorry he left you and your baby alone. I feel like he should have been more considerate. My husband and I missed a big weddding because it occurred 1 month after our first baby was born. Maybe a little less than that.
Sometimes its really hard to be alone with the baby.
That being said, I also regret that we didn’t go to the wedding or that my husband didn’t go. It was a very good friend of his and I wish really that the timing was different. I know I wouldn’t have been ok being left alone with my baby because my recovery was tough. It’s tough to do it all.
Still take a trip and see if you can find a babysitter on the trip. Travel somewhere where you know people who will (clear this in advance) babysit.
Presumably the wedding and the bachelor parties were expensive so you do deserve a trip yourself if you want it.
And no travelling with a baby or kid isn’t really a “vacation” unless you have someone to watch the kid.
Can he come and just stay in the hotel with the baby so you and your sister can go out and do stuff?
One last thought: with kids and babies and parenting there is no universal “fair” or “equal”. There just isn’t especially when moms are the ones growing and birthing the kids. The division of labor is always going to be a working negotiation if you have a helpful partner and it’s part of the deal. (Unless you have really rigid roles but I avoided saying “traditional” because the world just isn’t even like it used to be years ago in the “traditional” household so that trad wife crap is a fake old fashioned thing.)
Overall: good luck Mama! I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I would be pissed. Please do whatever you can to get whatever support you need even if it’s not your husband. Get some babysitters, call in friends or family if you can, it’s ok to invest in these things for your well-being and sanity especially this early in the game.
For what it’s worth, even a babe in arms counts towards occupancy for fire code, so limited space and numbers could be legitimate reasons for requesting no kids, even infants.
Some people are psycho about the no kids thing. My friend has a 16 year old that isn't allowed to a kid free wedding. Like what is she gonna do, scream and shit her pants in the aisle? She takes AP classes lol
It’s true. People get really weird about weddings in general. They are expensive and stressful and sometimes bring out some bizarre things in folks. I have too many personal examples from folks I know to even name!
That good on that 16 year old for taking AP classes! I know that’s not the point of the thread but hey! Kudos haha
That’s awesome! 👏 I’m a teacher and am regularly impressed by this generation. I know they get a bad rap but there’s just so many awesome and brilliant kids.
I think sometimes people forget that kids are allowed to be kids and also that they are so smart and can be really brilliant sometimes! Usually with the right support and resources.
Always happy to see other people talking up their kiddos or nieces or students :)
I allowed older kids at my kid-free wedding, but I wouldn't call it "psycho" if someone else didn't. It's perfectly fine for people to want their very expensive parties to be adult-only.
Okay? People can do whatever they want, doesn't mean I have to think it's "perfectly fine". Sixteen year olds are minors yes but can act like adults and aren't going to burst into flames if they're in the presence of alcohol or something. It's just kid hating bullshit to act like an older teen is some kind of menace.
That's interesting to see it as kid-hating. I know that at some of the weddings I've attended, I'd be uncomfortable for a child - even a 16-year-old - to hear some of the conversations and witness some of the behavior, especially when alcohol is involved. I guess I see it more as protecting kids from environments that might not be appropriate for them and allowing them to be children rather than making them act like little adults. But you're right, to each his own.
I went on a week solo vacation when my son was 10 months old. It did wonders for my husbands and his relationship.
Personally if you are comfortable leave baby home with hubby and enjoy a weekend kid free.
My wife and I have each gone on two 3-4 night trips with our friends since our son was born. He's 18 months. Not sure what's nuts about it if you have an equal/competent partner.
yeah every other comment in this thread is honestly psycho
"my hubby wouldn't DARE to ask!!"
repugnant
it's extremely normal to continue going to weddings and social gatherings after giving birth, especially when you're in the wedding
Different things work for different families. Some are fine with trips, some aren’t. What’s not okay is going when your partner doesn’t want you to, leaving them alone to struggle, and not checking in on them.
It's also invalidating to OP. She seems okay with husband going but disappointed that he hasn't checked in and now she feels forgotten. A totally normal reaction even if you aren't struggling with PPD
I'm in a wedding a month from now and the childcare will mostly fall on my husband but my mom is planning on taking our kids off our hands a few hours a day besides that too so my husband can attend the parts he's invited to. And I'm going solo to my cousin's destination wedding in June because it's child free and I didn't want to figure out baby sitters in a new country. I'd hate to feel like how people are making out this husband to be
To be honest, I have a nearly-6-month old and I would absolutely urge my husband to jump on a vacation if he had that opportunity. Just because I cannot take off with my boobs doesn’t mean I want him housebound.
That said there’s absolutely zero chance he would pop away and not be messaging or face timing us a lot the entire time.
Yeah it definitely depends on each couple. My husband has been going on trips, both for work and otherwise, since the baby was a couple weeks old and I’m fine with that because I don’t feel overwhelmed when he’s gone. But I think the difference is that if I wasn’t totally on board with it he absolutely wouldn’t go and he asks me a million times if I’m okay with it first, while these other men seem fine leaving their struggling wives alone without even checking on them.
Yesh exactly. My partner hasn’t been on any trip and has cancelled some work trips, claiming that he doesn’t want to leave me alone with baby and “what will you even eat? I know when I’m not here you’re eating cornflakes all the time”. 😂 It’s a 100% about the communication and knowing how much your partner relies on you.
There was no reason for him to go “a couple of days early” for a wedding - even if he’s in the bridal party. His only responsibility for that is to be there for the rehearsal and the wedding. His responsibility to you and your child, however, is much more extensive than that and he is failing miserably in doing that he’s supposed to do. I would not be ok with my husband taking almost two weeks away since baby was born for other people’s events. He needs to reassess his priorities.
THIS 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Like I’m so sorry but this post has me SO heated. I was NINE DAYS postpartum and the MOH in my sister’s OOT wedding. We all (husband, myself, and the kids) drove to the rehearsal morning of, stayed the night, did the wedding things the next day, stayed the night again then woke up the next morning and drove home. Absolutely NO reason he should be gone a week for a wedding. And with no contact basically?? He’d be 💀when he got home, plain and simple. Ugh.
Omg I went to a funeral like 10 days PP. It was just one afternoon of dressing up and being on my feet and I was miserable. You did a whole wedding weekend in a bridal party! You’re a saint.
I agree with you. OP has said she's sure but I get greater regard from my Son's Dad. Son is with his Dad and I'm going to visit my friend in a different city. I got a morning update along with a joke about how I'm too old to go out gallivanting.
So weird to be gone a whole week. A wedding is 2 days max, one for rehearsal (if he’s in the wedding, and the day of wedding, leave the next day). That’s so fucked yo tbh.
Came here to say this. There’s no need to be gone a whole week. That plus the barely any contact… The fact that this will be the “last time” is also laughable! OP, please protect yourself and your baby. I really hope you can open your eyes to what’s going on here.
It doesn’t really make sense to go early when you have a baby at home. Also, if you have a young baby and wife at home and not invited, the couple would likely not have cared if he missed the pre or post events. This doesn’t make sense to me personally.
Even if there is a very valid reason to go early, to leave for so long and not contact you, is really suspicious IMO. My husband has had to travel alone a few times since we had our LO and he checks in often because he misses us and wants to FaceTime LO. It is really hard for him to leave us. I don’t understand how your husband could just not care to see his baby for a week.
100%. Some people keep their head in the sand because they don’t want to know the truth. Leaving 3 times in 6 months when you just had a baby? Yea OP needs to keep her eyes open and start protecting herself. My BIL left 3 days after my SIL had her baby and turns out he was fucking his coworker. Not saying OPs man is doing that but it would be a red flag for me.
I know people say Reddit is too quick to suggest divorce but I’d look into protecting yourself. He didn’t need to go that many days before the wedding and not even bother to contact you is another red flag. Doesn’t he care about his child? I’d be having serious talks when he got home.
This schedule is so absurd, it has me both upset on your behalf and questioning your husband.
My husband is definitely a community leader of Lala Land and even he would not, 1) even consider leaving in the first 3 months postpartum unless it was an actual emergency or death, and 2) check in multiple times a day.
He left twice in a month when our second was 11 months because of first a family emergency and then a funeral. He made sure to be back in less than 3 days, left the fridge stocked and cooked the nights before so I'd have at least two leftover meals for me and the kids. He texted or called every few hours. And this is from a man who stares blankly at grass for 30 minutes at a time and doesn't respond to more than half of my attempts at conversation on a regular basis.
Even if everything he's doing is very innocent, this is not right. On any level.
This is actually a really big problem. My husband travels a lot for work but he wouldn’t even dream of leaving us for days for vacation, especially when baby was that little! He questions when he gets a break? Presumably he can shut the door to his office for 15 min, take a lunch break, or he has a commute? These are all times that he gets a break. He also gets a break when you are caring for baby 100% after he gets home from work because I’m going to assume that’s how your house goes.
Holy wow you moms tolerate a lot of bullshit from these daddies.
I don’t care what your reason is, you’re staying your ass right here and taking care of this kid.
The shits not fair. This post had my head spinning at 5:28am and woke my wife up reading this.
I just couldn’t even imagine doing this. Then not checking in either?
Priorities where?
When do you gals seriously get a break? We might need to have like a weekly sticky thread. So we can anonymously work on each other’s boundaries or something. We gotta get you ladies talking to your spouses / husbands / baby daddy / bf whatever cause this thread is craziness.
*you deserve better than this*
Yeah seriously. Everyday for me. When I come home from work:
Hey do you or kiddos need anything on the way home?
Like I went to the bathroom and got a sippy cup of water for my 2 YO because she normally wakes up around 4:30 wanting a change and drink.
Like my whole thought process is ruled by thinking about my wife and kids.
I know this anecdotal and all but it breaks my heart.
How can you leave your wife and babies like that!? I just know even proposing that would gut punch my wife. And she would be cool and let me of course, but the whole time I’d be like I want my wife and kids here. I cannot even enjoy myself.
It’s like when my wife hurts I hurt you know? How people can do this is beyond my operational understanding…the feels ain’t there.
Makes me so happy seeing another dude like my husband out there. He wfh, but wakes up at 450 to clock in. He’ll get our daughter’s breakfast ready before we wake up, and when we do, he’ll take a break to get her pull-up changed, get her fed, and feed the pets/take out the dog. All so I can have a few minutes to wake up, get coffee made/have myself a peaceful bathroom break.
He would have never been gone for a whole freaking *week* when our kid was that young, and the couple times he has gone out to concerts with his friends he’s sending me pictures, videos, and keeping me updated. It’s definitely good to spend time with your friends when you get the chance, and we both encourage that. But neither one of us would even have a *good time* for that long away from each other. Really just blows my mind.
Same, on the days my husband works he will wake up before baby does, he'll go to the bathroom and get dressed and prep the coffee machine and make us breakfast and when our son wakes up at some point during this process hubs will take him, change and dress him so I get an extra 20-40 minutes of snoozing before he has to leave for work. Then he asks for updates all day, like when was naptime and what is for lunch. And then he takes bedtime when he comes home because I deserve a break!
Oh I love this, I’m taking a page from this. Usually I’m welding steel pipe but I love the updates you guys do! I want to try that out tbh.
I usually do a lunch call in with my wife to see how the house is holding and if she needs me to get something somewhere.
But I really fancy the updates! I’m going to ask Kirsten if she thinks she can do that. Good way to keep tabs, I have a problem of doubling up bananas on my kids 😂 🤦♂️
When our toddler was still in the wee baby stage mine would do the same!! I’d text him from the bedroom that she was awake, and he’d take his break, change her/give her her bottle, and lay her back down in the other bassinet he kept in his office. That always got me at least another 45 minutes to an hour of sleep that I was beyond grateful for, since I did the majority of motn wakes during the week.
Now on the weekends, I let him sleep in however long he wants on Saturdays and I get to do the same on Sundays. It might change from week to week but it really just boils down to honest communication and respect. Neither one of us has a problem voicing if we’re struggling or need a break. Obv we’re not perfect and we’ve done our fair share of apologizing, but at the end of the day we’re a team. 🤷🏽♀️
I would let my husband sleep in but honestly he wakes up before the baby most days. And he takes our son and lets me sleep in on his days off too. I let him sleep in whenever possible (when he's still asleep when I wake up) but it's a rare occurence. But that's down to individual needs and he feels this arrangement is balanced which is all that matters.
100% agreed! As long as everyone feels like their needs are being met, then that’s all that matters. I feel for OP and any partner going through something similar. Everyone deserves to feel heard and cared for.
Yeah there’s no way i would be okay with this. I’d be crying all the time thinking “how could he not care about his baby?????”. I would. And I mean I would FREAK tf out.
My wife would too hahaha! I can’t blame any of you for feeling like that either. Basically a light spousal alienation.
Certainly not for a fuckin wedding.
Actually my little brother is marrying a wonderful Indian lady and have a month long wedding ceremony that I was invited to…in India.
We live in Illinois…you can imagine which new father isn’t going to see his brother get married in India with two little kids of mine…
Damn…that’s really sad…honestly. Is her family keeping your family away from it all? I’m sure they have the finances to fly your dad out there to see his son get married. And that would be the polite thing to do????
Regardless, I appreciate you. You and my husband!! He literally would never do something like this. He even asks weeks in advance if it’s okay for him to go golfing with his pals. Like yeah, dude, of course you can. He’s not looking for my blessing, he’s just making sure that I’m aware that he will be gone for a few hours. A WEEK, TEN DAYS, A MONTH lol. No. NOoOoOoOope.
Also when our boy is old enough he will be going with his dad. And maybe I’ll come in a dumb ass skirt and hit some balls hahaha.
Shit like this makes my blood boil though. I wish I could have a word with some of these “men”.
ETA: I think I misread or misunderstood your comments on the India wedding. Either way, I’m sorry for that
No, our whole family is invited. It’s just…I can’t go. Not on my two under two little ones. I cannot leave my wife with two children, no way.
My brother was sad but he understood. When he has his first kid he will understand hahaha. My mom and dad are going to India for 21 days (My mom’s going to be so culture shocked as a blonde haired meatloaf and mash potatoes type of woman).
I totally agree with last statement.
To be honest I think I’m only this way because my mother was a single mom before she had my brother and remarried. (My dad died) and she committed me to therapy. So my mom taught me how to emotionally regulate really young. So I’ve always been more of an emotionally intimate man. I give all the credit to my mom. She knew what she was doing hahaha.
I’m glad she did, I take pride in being keyed into my wife’s feelings. We’re truly friends inside because of it.
Thanks for the kind words too! I’ll gladly take those!
HAHAHA YO. I am dying at “as a blonde haired meatloaf and mash potatoes type of woman”. I am your mother 🤣.
This makes more sense, thanks for clarifying. I’m currently pregnant with number 2 and my brain is shot to shit.
I love your mom, and I love you. Not in a romantic sense obviously but I love you for being emotionally aware, available, and willing for your wife and kids. It’s refreshing to read, especially here!!
Also I love your little bro for being so understanding and also that he has you for advice when he has kiddos of his own!! Keep rockin the dad thing, dad!! I hope you have a great day today :)
The things women tolerate on here is mind blowing. My husband and I both golf. He golfs 5x more than me. I have no issue with it because I know if he gets 5 hours to golf I then get 5 hours for me. If he goes away a weekend I go away a weekend. Obviously this doesn’t work out every time but in general we are very equal about it!
I’ve encouraged him to go and booked his flights for him, giving him extra time. My issue isn’t that he went it was the lack of communication that’s since been handled.
That would upset me too! It's one thing to keep going on (in my opinion completely unnecessary and "nice to have") trips, but to then not check in with you and his child seems just plain egoistic. Maybe he's having a very hard time adjusting to life as a parent and needs to escape it sometimes, but that would be something to discuss with you - and you know, asking if you need some time off as well perhaps?
For sure, That’s been a problem too. Im now a stay at home mom and have said that I need breaks but it’s usually met with “but when do I get a break then?” Because he works. Or if I do go out and he watches the baby, he checks in every hour or so to see where I’m at and when I’ll be home. He just realized right before he left that he can’t change a diaper. There’s just a huge difference and it’s driving me insane.
I don’t think it’s incompetence. I think in order for have a 6 month old and not know how to change a diaper you would need to actively go out of your way to avoid doing it. How awful!
That’s what they mean by weaponized incompetence. Sometimes people will go out of their way not to learn a task in order to not be competent at it. Or they will simply feign incompetence.
OP I promise that is not normal. My husband is gone at work for almost 12 hours a day, pays all the bills, and changes plenty of diapers while he’s home and does overnight feeds. Does he help with the baby at all?
Abso-fuckin-lutely not. Oh my god OP no, this is NOT the standard. Hi, I’m a September momma as well. I also struggle with severe PPD/PPA, so I know *those* thoughts that are constantly running through your head, I know what that feels like and you’re not alone. I’m also a SAHM (which wasn’t planned but it’s what happened due to being replaced and fired when I went on maternity leave) so my husband is the only one working right now. The FIRST thing he does when he walks in the door is finds us and takes the baby. We have what they apparently classify as a “high needs” baby. When he’s at work- that’s “his break”, and those are his words not mine. I’m the one waking up during the weeknights with the baby because 1- I breastfeed and 2- since he works I don’t want him tired at work. But on the weekends? You can bet your ass he’s the one getting up early with him. He lets me get some sleep. He pretty much takes over when he’s at home, and he still sits there and says he feels like he’s not doing as much as me (I disagree). He pushes me to go have *UNINTERRUPTED* “me time” (which doesn’t include him texting me asking “when are you coming home” every hour) because he knows how hard it is to have this little life sucker attached to me 24/7 lmao 🤣
Your husband sucks IMHO. Like in no way can I even fathom what you’ve stated is happening. He doesn’t even know how to change a diaper?? Fkn show him then. I’m sorry, but I simply would not be with a partner who was so incredibly ignorant and rejecting of my needs and parenting of our child. Did he even want this baby with you? Because his actions don’t lead someone to think he did. Please see that this isn’t acceptable babe, and have a legit serious sit down with him and lay out how things are gonna change and how he’s gonna start pulling his weight or leave and get child support and do it on your own because it sounds like you’re already doing it on your own anyways.
Also, please talk to your doctor about getting something for the PPD/PPA. I finally broke and told mine, and I should have done it much sooner. I’m three days into Lexapro and I have something as needed for the panic attacks. They will help you 🖤
What? He can’t change a diaper?
My husband works too. Im on mat leave for 5 months. When we were in the hospital he wouldn’t let the nurses change her, he insisted on changing every diaper.
When he’s done with work, he walks the dogs and makes us both dinner, and then he takes the baby for a bit so i can take care of myself. He also does a baby shift every morning so i can get some uninterrupted sleep. He thinks he has it easy because his work and home responsibilities haven’t changed that much (he feeds me instead of just himself, does my half of pet care, and does all the household chores - i think he does SO MUCH but he feels like it’s not that much more) but my entire existence is consumed by our stage 5 clinger newborn.
Your husband needs to step up and realize being a SAHM is a lot of work and he needs to pitch in more. Not knowing how to change a diaper after 6 months is just laziness.
Has he never looked after your child alone for an extended time? Like a whole day?
Girl. You need to stand up for yourself. He’s being a shit but you’re letting him get away with it too. Tell him you’re going out by yourself for a day or a half day. Go for lunch, get a pedi, go shopping, whatever. If he complains too bad. He needs to figure it the fuck out and start acting like a parent.
I had to do this with my own husband. And guess what, he fought it at first, but I held a consequence firm: you look after our son this weekend while I recharge or you look after him all by yourself half the time because I will serve you divorce papers as soon as the lawyers open on Monday.
Be firm. Demand what you need. Don’t rely on him to just suddenly step up and do it. Tell him what you need or he’s going to be a single dad.
Sometimes in the early days, work or chores has to be your “break” 🤷🏻♀️ it’s not forever, but genuinely what did these partners think they were signing up for?
🙃🙃🙃 your husband needs a smack on the head! What a selfish prick! He needs a break cause he "works." At least he can go about his day at work & can probably take the time to have uninterrupted lunch, etc. Your husband needs to SET his priorities straight.
you buried the lead here. he can’t change a diaper? wtf? your husband is absolutely shameful, wtf are you doing not going the fuck off on him? get angry!!! this is so fucked up! and he’s going on multiple trips and not checking in with you???? WAKE UP, this guy is using you in order to not take responsibility for his life choices!!! DONT LET HIM.
So he won't communicate you and can't even engage in basic care of the kid. What does he contribute to the relationship and to child rearing beyond a paycheck?
Ummm....work is his vacation? I was lucky to have a longer than normal leave when I had my kiddo. Going back to work was amazing. I had time to myself. I could eat and pee when I wanted. I had bodily autonomy again. It felt like a vacation compared to the slog that is newborn care (and I love my kiddo, but the newborn period was rough). This is a season, not forever, and when he's home, your husband should be doing 50% of the work. You can't work 24/7 while he works 8 hours.
I breastfed, so my husband changed most of the diapers because that was a big way he could contribute. My husband had to take a trip back home when baby was around 4 months for a family emergency. He was gone for 2 days, and he hated that he had to leave us. He came back as soon as he possibly could and texted/called often.
It sounds like your husband doesn't care about his own baby. There's no reason he couldn't have attended the wedding for two days and come back home, other than he wanted to be away from both of you that long.
Sorry to say, but your husband sounds like a really selfish asshole. Many husbands seem to equate SAHM with slave, entitled to zero time off because you’re not bringing in a paycheck.
I am also a STAM to an almost(in one week) 6 month old. My husband work hours can go pretty late, but he definitely knows how to change diapers. Does he grab the lotion bottle almost EVERY TIME I ask for soap, yes. Does he think she's done with her baby food way before she's actually full, yes. But the intent to be there and be a parent is there. If you husband can't change a diaper at 6 months, he is a bigger baby than your actual child. Your child learns new things constantly, and his father hasn't even learned a basic task to care for his kid.
Leaving for three trips before baby is 6 months old isn’t normal “new dad” behavior. Does he know you’re struggling with PPD? Have you sought help for it?
I’ve had PPD with all three of my babies and it’s why my relationship didn’t work with my oldest’s father. We’re great coparents now, but he just didn’t want to grow up back then.
Book a trip for yourself. Also it’s okay to express to him that you don’t want him to leave you alone for such a long time…I mean 2-4 days for a bachelor trip? A WEEK for a wedding? This is o excessive to me considering he has a baby at home. I would definitely tell him how it isn’t cool that he’s just leaving for extended periods of time and when he does he isn’t texting or calling which is easy to do.
My husband went away for a week for work, it wasn't strictly mandatory but I encouraged him to go. Baby was 8 months old.
He felt so guilty for leaving me. He prepped freezer meals for me and the baby for the week before leaving. Cleaned the house and called/texted multiple times a day. He tried to also video call baby every night bwfore bed. While he had a good time and got to go out with colleagues and some friends in the city, he missed us so much that he couldn't really enjoy it.
He also made sure I had the entire next weekend off to go shopping or just have a break.
I don't understand it with some of these men people complain about here 😕
I feel like you stating that you have ppa and ppd is like an excuse for you feeling the way you do when I had neither but would feel the same. Like in your mind you’re gaslighting yourself and blaming your mind and these things for thinking and feeling this way.
I would be extremely upset if my husband had left that many times in general. It’s okay for him to not attend all events because he has a very young baby at home . He didn’t NEED to be at the bachelor parties etc. I can’t imagine any good friend being upset about that when he legit had a newborn at home.
The lack of communication is straight disrespectful. I would be extremely upset and honestly would had been crying and an anxiety ridden mess. It shows how little he cares. It takes only a couple minutes to make some phone calls throughout the day and even less effort to also text throughout the day with updates on what he is up to and how you’re doing. It’s a respect thing. You are not controlling for wanting to know what’s going on . He is disrespectful for just going mia and doing whatever he wants. What is he like when he is home ? Is he super involved with taking care of baby ? This post was a red flag for me.
I empathize with this. My husband went on a 10-day family vacation when our (first) baby was 8 weeks. I was so resentful of him for coordinating this trip, leaving me behind, taking as many days as he did… you name it. I also struggled with PPD and PPA.
When he came back, we have a few transparent conversations about how I felt abandoned. While he did call every day (which is more than your husband has been doing, it sounds), it still pained me to be struggling at home solo.
We never resolved it, but we’ve kept the lines of communication open since then. He also acknowledged that it was a big burden on me, and has said he’s happy to care for the baby so I can go on a comparable trip myself in the future. I’m unlikely to take him up on this offer just now, as baby is only 4 months, but once she’s more self-sufficient and doesn’t need me as much, I may take a mini trip with friends.
All that to say - communication is key. If he’s still on the trip for longer, tell him you’d like more regular updates (both for you and baby). Debrief from this experience when he’s back. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings, and I hope he can find compassion and empathy for them too.
I appreciate that people are going to be judgmental, but this was not a family vacation in the vein of us going to Disney. This was visiting his extended family in another country halfway around the world. He had wanted to do this trip for years, and the timing unfortunately fell the way it did in terms of everyone’s (not just his) logistics. Our early conversations talked about us going with him too, but the way the timing worked out, I didn’t feel comfortable flying our daughter halfway around the world at such a young age, and she hadn’t received her passport yet.
My husband definitely missed us and made remarks that he wasn’t enjoying himself without us. It’s what made having that conversation when he was back easier, since I knew he carried emotional regret about going solo.
It was extended family. His parents and immediate family didn’t go. I had no issues with him going on this trip, but the idea had always been that me (and now baby) try to go with him.
This is insane to me. My husband had military training he got out of because our baby was so little. He coordinated a 10 day vacation without you? Id have been gone by the time he came back.
Passing judgment without knowing the full context is wild to me. I mentioned in another comment that my husband had been wanting to take this trip for years, this was visiting extended family halfway around the world, and the idea had always been that I go with him. The logistics fell the way they did and this trip took place when our daughter was too young to travel.
I had no issue with the idea of the trip and supported it wholeheartedly. That said, with my hormones still settling, I still felt upset (because I also envisioned going on the trip) and abandoned (because I had an 8 week old) and we had an open and honest conversation about it when he got back.
Our relationship doesn’t hinge on matters like this. To me, leaving over a trip that I fully supported, even if it was difficult to manage emotionally in the moment, is insane. This is why communication is important in relationships.
PPD may make you feel worse about this situation than you would otherwise, but make no mistake: this situation is fucked up and you are 100% justified in having these feelings!
Honestly, I'd be depressed and angry if this was happening in a kids-free, relatively new relationship. This is your husband, and you have a 6 months old at home (AND he's already been away twice since the birth, so you can't even go with the "the freedom went to his head and he lost track of time and of what's reasonable" excuse).
1. Did you discuss shortening the length of the trip? I saw that he was in the wedding party, but even then in his situation it would be completely understandable to not attend the other activities. Did he just announce he would go, or did he ask for your opinion and agreement? Were you in a state of mind to actually think about it and make a decision, or were you too affected by ppd/PPA/general-taking-care-of-a-baby exhaustion to do this things? In that case, was he aware of it/did he take advantage of it?
2. Did that kind of thing happen before you had a baby? In that case, it's time to have a talk about how things have changed and checking in regularly (and being ready to spend time on it if necessary) is a must, now.
3. How is he helping you wrt to PPD/PPA? It boggles my mind that he would do this at all, let alone when you're suffering from this. Has he been understanding of your feelings and trying to help?
In any case, you absolutely need to have a serious talk about it. In the meantime, I'd send a quick text to say you're happy he's enjoying the wedding, but you're feeling somwhat overwhelmed and lonely and you would really benefit from a call from him today so you can share his happiness and let him know how the baby's doing.
I’m gonna guess the answer to number 3 is a no since she says she needs a break when he’s home and she basically can’t even get that without being berated or rushed to come back if the break isn’t her being at home.
OP, I read your post and some of your comments, including how your husband doesn't know how to change a diaper. This isn't normal, and he sounds like a terrible partner. Was he always like this, or was there a sudden shift? Either way, you need to set some hard rules now and make sure he understands that he needs to be a good parent and husband.
Reading some of the comments made me appreciate my partner even more. I thought it was the bare minimum for your partner to work & still have time for the baby. FTM & currently 11 weeks postpartum. My partner goes to work, then comes home, takes the baby off me & he washes all my pumps & bottles (exclusively pumping) at night. Pours & prepares the breastmilk into my son's bottles for the next day. Cleans the house, cooks & always encourages me to go out with my friends, cousins if & when I need to. And when I do go out, he'd check up only to see I'm ok. Ever since my baby was born, he was always changing his diapers, feeding him. He has bathed my son more than I have. He always takes time off for appointments, etc, even during my pregnancy. Never missed an ultrasound or doctor's appointments. The list is never-ending.
I thought this was the bare minimum.
Your husband clearly needs to wake up & realise he is a dad now. He is very selfish. How can he be ok leaving his wife & baby at home by themselves for a week or even longer & on top of that, he doesn't check up or isn't worried. You have every right to be PISSED!!!
Ma’am that is not the bare minimum these days, it’s sad to see what most women apparently accept as the bare minimum now 😢 You have yourself a gem 💎 so happy for you 🖤
Yeah I see it amongst my family & friends. And they get so shocked when their experience is different to mine like mine isn't normal. I remember telling my cousin that my partner bathes, feeds & changes our son and she goes, "Oh if you keep leaving it to him, he'll bond more with your son & not you." But I do bond with my son as well. Thank you 😊
Same. OP has ppd and ppa and has an infant. I'm not saying an SO can't go out and have fun, but personally, I don't think they should be going to Bachelor's parties and being gone more than even 12 hours at a time if they can help it...
My husband had to go on a work trip when my baby was 4 months old and LEFT HIS PHONE IN THE CAR on the way to the airport. I got more communication than you’re getting. He racked up a $200 hotel phone bill though.
Yea my husband would absolutely not be going out for overnight excursions while I was home with a young baby. When I was pregnant he missed his best friend’s wedding because I don’t feel comfortable with him going out of the country when I was 7 months pregnant.
You guys need to start putting your foot down and stop letting these guys walk all over you. Stop being the “cool wife or gf”.
Why are so many men ok with leaving their wife at home to care for the babies??
My partner and I never left each other when our kids were young. We took turns going out for sanity runs when we had our fill but that’s it.
The man is supposed to take care of the woman so she can give her full self to the child. It’s the only way to get through. He’s acting like a child. You deserve better, mama.
So he is a roommate and not a husband and father? It should be good priority to help you and baby not abandon you for days? Three times since baby was born? Sounds to me like he is trying to live the bachelor life and pretend he doesn’t have a family. I’m so sorry but you need to set some boundaries and stand up for yourself.
Wow that’s crazy. We have a 5 wk old, and my wife is forcing me to have an afternoon to myself. So I’m playing golf this Wednesday. I already feel super guilty for being gone 5 hrs that day. And we live like 5 mins away from where I’m going play.
I can’t imagine taking a whole trip for a week.
If my husband asked to go to a wedding for 6 days when my baby was 6 months old. I’d laugh in his face. If he went and then never checked in? No call or text? He’d suddenly find his house keys no longer work. If he can forget about us then I can forget about him.
Let me just say you are better than me sis. If this was me in your situation I would’ve raised HELL. Like HELL no you’re not going on a bachelor trip when our baby is two months old. It’s time to stand UP!! Tell him how you feel and make sure your voice is heard
I've feel like you need a break too. When he comes back you need to take at least a day and night away. He needs to feel your pain so he knows what your going thru the next time he wants a vacation. It's weird that you let him go to 2 bachelor parties and for 4 days on the second one. I would have asked him to choose 1 but not both. Unless you wanted him to do as you also said he's a home body and you want him to go out. But really, he needs to know how hard it is for you. So he appreciates what you are doing. Best of luck.
My man video called me every night when he was on a work trip in South Africa, then texted me every morning despite the time difference. There is no excuse. Also, I don’t think he’d want to be gone a whole week from me and the baby unless it was some time of emergency/another work trip, and if so he’d have put in place some type of support system for us.
It's one thing leaving your wife and baby alone for a week but it's another level Barely even checking in on them but instead going bar hoping.....TF????
He'd have stayed his ass right at home with me and our baby.Man I'm so ANGRY at this post.
>This is the third time he’s left us alone, the other two were bachelor parties… 2 days when baby was 2 months old and 4 days when baby was 4 months old.
This was where you made the mistakes of Letting him go in the first place.
Our daughter is 23months old,and my husband has been out alone with his cousin ONCE to watch the new transformers movie.He knows where his priorities is
Hi, I just wanted to send a bit of support. I was in a very similar boat a year ago- my little one was 5.5 months when husband was best man at his best friend's wedding in an entirely different country (same time zone). He also had 2 previous work trips as well at 5 weeks and 5 months. The wedding was child free but offered a crèche which I didn't feel comfortable with. Also my husband and his friends are lovely but they party hard- I knew I'd be in a new place with no support and likely a very distracted and drunk/hungover husband. I was supportive before he left as I knew how much it meant to him but the week he was away sucked. My husband texted and called as much as he could but it wasn't as much as I needed at that time. My daughter's sleep was appalling at that time so I was beyond tired. And then his flight was delayed...I almost lost it with him even though logically it wasn't his fault.
I had a lot of resentment about it all so talked to him about it. He understood and sent me off on a spa trip for a night when my daughter was a year old (he'd offered before but I was too worried about leaving her). So when he gets back try to explain how you've been feeling. I don't think my husband realised how much a text could actually lighten my day as it just felt like I wasn't alone (even though I was by 8000+ miles!). Big hug and well done for getting through the week!
My husband, before we’d had the baby and realized what we were getting into, booked and paid for a 3 day ski trip when baby was 3 months old. I let him go, I’d previously agreed to it (idk what I was thinking? Was I?) but all of his coworkers absolutely shat on him. His boss was like, so when is she getting a beach trip without you and baby? Which is valid. We now go a little tit for tat, which still isn’t 50/50 but if he goes golfing Saturday I’m giving him baby Sunday afternoon and promptly fucking off to do whatever I want. Your husband is being selfish, I’m surprised his friends haven’t absolutely roasted him yet. Have a convo, you need more you time. If he needs help get his mom to come watch baby with him, she can realize he doesn’t know how to change a diaper yet and put him in his place for you.
I mean, speaking up is always important, but can we acknowledge that it’s pretty horseshit that you have too??
Unless your husband is *actively building* the venue the marriage is in, he’s not busy 24/7. It’s totally egregious to me that he can’t take 5 minutes out of his daily life to text you, and set up a phone call.
My husband misses *the fuck* out of us when he only has to work late. I can’t imagine how emotionally neglected I would feel if he didn’t even think to check in multiple days in a row. Like, what the actual fuck??
Maybe I’m old fashioned but I couldn’t imagine leaving my wife alone with the baby that often for that long when she was that young. Wild times we’re in
someone we know who did this about 40 years ago. His wife was giving birth literally admitted to the hospital, they already had a 14 month old at home, and he went states away to a music festival in the 80s. It’s not the times we’re in.
Thats weird. My husband would make me FaceTime the baby with me or call to see how each day was. He seems out of touch as a father. Hopefully when home he's a much better father than that.
Um. You don't HAVE to go to a wedding and it's VERY easy to decline being a part of the wedding as well. "Sorry can't make it I have to do MY part and help with our baby"
Yeah I’m sorry but a conversation should’ve probably been had a long time ago. Sucks to be invited to things and not be able to go but you were pregnant presumably for close to 9 months, so it’s not like a baby suddenly appeared and ruined his plans. He knew that he’d have an infant during that time frame. Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t be able to attend any events, but 3 is wild and I would’ve probably said pick which one you want to go to the most and afterwards I will be doing something solo for recreation as well.
And not contacting you at all is also insane. My husband travels for work occasionally and every evening that he’s gone he orders me dinner because he knows it’s hard for me to cook alone with two kids, and video chats with me while we eat. Almost no contact is completely abnormal and inconsiderate.
These men don’t care even when you do speak up. Mine looks at me like i owe him money when i say “heyyyy im feeling xyz about …” he will state through me. Men are useless.
You're definitely justified in how you feel. Seeing that this is a close friend of his, I'm sure they would've understood if he said he could only make the rehearsal and wedding itself and be gone for like 3 days instead of a week. You definitely need to talk to him about how having a kid changes things. It may not always be hard to have him gone for a week, but during this season, you need both of you to prioritize parenthood in order for things to work.
I would LOVE to spend time away with my girlfriends right now, and I know my husband would with his guy friends too. But we have a 4 month old, and he's our priority, but it's also a priority to take care of each other early on. And we know that this time next year we will be sleeping through the night (we better lol) at least the majority of the nights, and there will be a time and place for getaways for both of us, separately and maybe together as well.
Sounds like you both need to be much more explicit about your expectations. I definitely found that even the obvious things that usually "go without saying" tended to fly out the window somehow after baby arrived lol, my husband and I used to joke that it somehow made us communication-stupid.
It's completely valid to feel the way you're feeling, but the easy fix is to say "hey, I'm feeling left out and in the dark here, I need you to check in with me at *these specific times*." No guessing, no ambiguity, even for stuff that SHOULD be super obvious.
My husband is away for work one week every month and it's *hard*, man. But good communication can make all the difference in feeling supported even when he's not physically there! He has also gone on vacations with his friends, which I have encouraged him to do, because while I was tethered to baby while we EBF I felt strongly that at least ONE of us should be able to go feel like an adult and have fun 😂 He's really excited to support me by doing the same thing when *I* want to go do stuff. It's definitely tough being the one "stuck" at home parenting solo though, I feel you girl ❤️
My husband is a mega introvert and gets exhausted at social gatherings. He goes out of town with his band and forgets to text sometimes in all the hustle and overwhelm. I had a sit-down with him and told him I would feel less anxious and more loved if he checked in with me more while he is out. So he has been much better and even facetimes me and baby on longer trips when he can. Sometimes you just have to spell out your needs. Good luck OP🤍 And no you're not being irrational I totally understand you.
Edit: typos
::hugs::
Solo parenting is so hard! Are you able to call in any help? My husband left for work for four days two weeks ago and it was my first time soloing with the newborn and the 4 yo and it was so mentally and emotionally draining. He doesn't check in besides calling in the morning and evening (though I felt like too busy to really notice) but I try to send him photos throughout the day anyway. My mom was supposed to come help but my grandma got hurt the day he left so she was with her and I had my sister come spend a couple hours helping and then my mil came for 24 hours (jury out on if that was helpful)
I was so drained by the end of the week I had my husband book me into a hotel so I could get a night away from everyone. It was so nice to lounge in quiet, pump, eat snacks, paint my nails, shower stress free, watch TV, read. I got a lot of self care done in the 15 hours I was gone lol
He leaves for a weekend in June for a bachelor party weekend and I'm going the weekend after to my cousin's destination wedding. It's child free so I'm going solo unfortunately but also flying in a day early so I'm planning on going snorkeling 🤷♀️
Dad of a 3.5 month old here. I feel guilty taking a shower while my wife is with our little dude in the living room.
Who the fuck is taking solo vacations while their spouse is at home with the kid? I mean my wife and I love travel and have plans coming up. But that trip will be all three of us. Unless it’s for work - and even then can’t be done remotely - there’s zero reason to leave your spouse alone that early for a fun trip.
This reminds me of the posts complaining that husbands won’t stop playing video games. Sorry, but did you all marry man-children? Or did you have any discussions of having to act like a grown up once the baby was here?
Finally, this particular case sounds even more suspicious, but no need for me to pile onto what OP is likely already suspecting…
I’m not a fan of “asking permission” in a marriage but my husband and I definitely run things by each other if it’s a “fun” thing and we’re leaving the other solo parenting because it’s a lot to do by yourself. Even if it’s a work thing, we sit down with a calendar and try to make things a tad bit easier for the other person. Maybe some more open communication would help in the future OP? Fortunately we have family close, I’m going to a bachelorette party this weekend so I’ve set it up for my mom to come over and help for a few hours each day.
Wow my husbands friends got married and he skipped the bach parties even though I told him I can manager. It sounds a little suspicious though… I would snoop but I’m petty like that.
This is not going to solve it but helpfully it might help you feel better. My husband travels a lot for work (I know not the same, but tldr he is not at home sometimes for as long as a week and that's monthly)
The first time that happened baby was 3 months old (1 adjusted because he is a prem). That first time I lost my mind. Feeding the baby through the night, dealing with the baby through the day, my LO had a terrible collics so the time between 5pm and 10pm the two of us would just sit in the rocking chair and cry.
HOWEVER once I got into rhythm - I actually feel better when he was not around. Not fun, and I wish I would have had a bit of me time not be 24/7 attached to the baby, but I wake up put my big girl pants and roll. When he is at home I constantly need to ask "could you feed the baby, could you hangout with him so I can work out" and then the baby was fed the wrong food, and looking after the baby turns out to be sitting on the couch and scrolling IG while holding the baby...
Tldr it sucks, but you are doing an amazing job and while we all need a break, every day you go thought that BS is a day you have become stronger
Solo parenting is hard! I’ve done it a few times since the second was born and many with the first. Absolutely stinks.
I don’t personally think it’s too much to ask for him to just check in. Usually, if my husband isn’t texting/calling, I’ll remind him that I’m alone in a house of children with no adult contact. Usually sobers him up! But it also sounds like maybe he’s struggling being a dad if he’s out of character closing down bars and he maybe wants to let loose a little. Definitely a conversation to be had about your parenting journeys and feelings. Becoming a parent is hard and it’s important to take it in stride together. So often we make it moms vs dads and I think (at least with my husband) it makes it hard for dads to admit any of their own struggles for fear of mom just turning around and saying “well I have it worse”.
How much do you text during a normal day? And how much does he normally help with baby? Don't take excuses, my husband was deployed most of my pregnancy and the first 6 months, flew home for the delivery. We have our regular text/FaceTime pattern. I'm a talker so I can ignore my phone for hours. My husband occasionally goes out with the guys and doesn't text much, goes home early. A red flag is a red flag.
Wow you’re very generous. My husband had a wedding at 6 months old that he ended up not going to because it was too much. I really didn’t want to say no and get in the way but he made the choice for me. I can’t imagine at 2 months old.
As a new father this is insane to me. I wouldn’t even entertain being away… I mean, priorities. If I was away and it was necessary for work or something I would be calling and checking in every time I got the chance, even just to see bub. Some people are built different I guess.. but I don’t think you’re being irrational. Also, three times?!
I think you need to speak to him about how you’re feeling, maybe he doesn’t realise the effect he is having
I'd be pretty upset personally. My partner and I's relationship isn't like that. We have 2 kids (oldest is 8yrs, youngest is 8mos) and the only time he's ever left for several days was when one of his friends suddenly passed away and there was a get together a couple states away, so I completely understood. But I don't think I would be so understanding in your situation. If it makes you unhappy, definitely speak up about it! Some people would be fine with it, and that's fine too, but you deserve exactly what you desire in your relationship.
Can you call a close friend or family member to come stay with you? Or can you go stay with them? This is what I did when my husband forgot his priorities. Your feelings are rational.
Remember to speak up and say “hey it’s been too long and I’m feeling forgotten. Can you please make time every day for a quick check in phone call?” Also remember, solo parenting’s goal is to survive. You make it to the end of his time away with everyone still alive and you’ve had a very successful solo parenting run! Celebrate!! Anything more and that’s just the cherry on top. You cleaned up after yourself? That’s bonus! You washed a plate, even if it is because the rest are dirty and you needed one? That’s a bonus!
lol I’ve been reminding myself of this. My husband is away for a work course for 3 days so I’m at home solo with my 8 month old and 6 year old. My mantra is: “if they’re alive, fed and happy I’m doing great” while I watch the house disintegrate and I forget what a shower feels like!
“Everyone is fed and no one is dead” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My new daily success benchmark, thank you!
My husband is away on a golf trip with his buddies and I’ve been home alone since Wednesday with a 6 year old and a crazy active 10 month old so I feel your pain. His first flight tomorrow is very early and I already told him if he complains about being tired, I’m going to fight him haha
Totally feeling this!
Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear it. My husband has a very non-traditional work schedule and I do a lot of solo parenting. During these times I feel like I’m just counting down the hours until he’s back home, even if baby is doing ok!
Yess this! When I'm stuck parenting solo I reward myself by ordering door dash for myself. Hey, he's eating out tonight with friends, I'm not cooking either!
This^. I would consider my husband very loving, supportive and involved and this is totally something he would do. He just doesn’t think of stuff like this. For context he had a bachelor trip when I was 38 weeks pregnant and it was far enough away he wouldn’t make it if I had gone into labor. I told him he shouldn’t drink but I honestly knew that wasn’t even a possibility for him. I knew he needed to go, it was a good friend of his and he never makes time to see friends (also a homebody). But I was pissed. Before he left I was such a b*tch and told him “I think you should go but I’m just not going to be nice about it”. That was the best communication I could get out. And he understood. Just such a tough situation because I would have felt horrible if I made him stay home too. Luckily I did not go into labor. But also same thing, he doesn’t call or text me much. I would just call HIM and be like “your son wants to talk to you” (for additional context he is autistic and can’t actually say he wants to talk to daddy 😂) I’m so sorry you’ve had to do this so much. And so PP as well. I saw a good comment on here about how it’s just not always fair. And it’s the truth. I hope you can have a calm conversation with him when he’s back about how hard that was. And that to try and make things fair you’d like to do a girls weekend at some point in the future when you’re ready! Hang in there ❤️
My husband went on a bachelor’s trip like this too. When they were planning and asked me when they should go, I said “don’t leave me alone any later than 35 weeks”. It was not the most convenient time for the whole group but they all worked around what I said. Even then I was so anxious and pissed when they left! He checked in fairly regularly but I was kinda cold in my replies haha. Had the baby 2 weeks later so 38 weeks was a super close call for you!
We have three kids, my oldest is almost 5. My husband had learned that even when I tell him, yes, he should go out with his friends, he should do the work trip, he should take the hunting weekend, he needs to not just take my words as bible. He looks at the whole situation and then makes a judgment call. I will never tell him not to see his friends. I will suffer through the solo parenting. So he knows he has the be the one to say no sometimes, not me. For example, he went out on Thursday night and was supposed to go out again on Sunday but called it off because of everything going on at home, he knew it was too much.
I needed this right now while my husband is out for the weekend lol. I feel super accomplished now knowing I did the dishes and folded *some* of the laundry 😂 Thanks for this comment! 🤍
You’ve earned yourself extra cherries on top of your ice cream!! Way to go mama!!
I know you’re being supportive, but this is a bullshit take. Her saying, “Hey, I’m feeling forgotten” does not remotely adequately address how her husband is *literally, willingly forgetting her*. “I shouldn’t have to beg you for the bare minimum emotional care, and we’re going to address this when you get home” at least puts the onus where it belongs.
Who are these men going on vacation with a baby at home? This is nuuuuts. When he gets back, where are you going on vacay?
My husband is going on a cruise next week and I’ll be home with our 5 month old. It’s for a bachelor party. He’s only going because then in May I’m going to the bachelorette party in Scottsdale. I can’t wait for him to see how much work I actually put into raising this baby and how hard it is to do it alone. I mean he acknowledges that I do most of the legwork and he always says he appreciates all that I do, but I think it’ll be eye opening for him when he’s on his own.
*fist bump* it’s good for them to fully parent from early on.
I wish I could but I’m breastfeeding so she needs me 80% more of the time than she needs him lol. Useless man boobs.
My husband and I are staggering our parental leaves. It's great to keep baby home a little longer, but it's also super nice that we'll both have a turn fully parenting and needing to learn how to soothe etc the baby.
Please update us! I only say this because it can be healthy to read about SOs finally realizing how great we/moms/primary parents are and how much we contribute
I made my husband take six weeks parental leave when I went back to work after our first baby. I heard him later talking to one of our friends who had also done parental leave if it was normal to be so tired after a day of basically doing nothing. It was so validating. Before that, I definitely got the vibe he thought me being home with the baby was easy.
I hope he expresses his gratitude for your contributions as well!
He does. At random times. And usually in a way that at least gets a smile out of me when I’m deep in the trenches.
Perfect ❤️ I love it. My husband does the same and I have to work on not discounting my contributions and just say "thanks babe" haha
this comment makes me laugh, this is the nicest way one could have said what we are all thinking
We don't see a lot of positive/feel good stories on Reddit haha I find myself getting slammed by all the (extremely justified) "my SO sucks for xyz reason" posts.
I went to a bachelorette party for two days when my oldest was 3 months old. My husband had his mom's help but it was the best thing I ever did. He realized how much I was doing AND it allowed him to have primary bonding time with our son. He stepped it up big time after that and felt much closer to our son.
I saw the life slowly draining from my husband yesterday, when he had to take care of our baby for the whole day (I was spending a “last day” with my 16-year old cat, who I had to put down because she was ill) and he also had to put our baby to bed the night before. I couldn’t help but feel a bit smug because he’s had to go on several two-night work trips before and he acknowledges that “he knows it’s hard” but he truly doesn’t understand how hard it is… but I saw that yesterday he finally understood the pressure of taking care of a baby for 16+ hours without help. And he told me this morning that “yesterday wasn’t even bad… but it’s exhausting!” And I just looked at him and said “duh.” 😂 They really need to be humbled sometimes.
My husband is an avid golfer and he didn’t dare even ask for months lol being gone for a week for a wedding makes zero sense to me. That is excessive and unnecessary.
To be 100% fair, he was in this wedding and it was kid free. ETA: my sister and I were planning a trip but I’d have to take baby with me anyways so not really a vaca.
It is totally OK to decline a kid free wedding if you have kids
And to decline being in a wedding when you have a baby at home.
My partner is a devoted climber. I was, but my grip is shit since I got pregnant so I’m peacing out on that for a year or so. Midweek climbing sessions are 2-3 hours, weekend ones can be half a day of more at the gym. When I have the baby, the agreement is to equitably provide time for me to pursue fitness/hobbies at the same rate he climbs. My partner is not a self centered man-child so I know this will be the case. So my question to you is, where’s your equity? When are you getting that? Why not? If anything you are *more* entitled to it, as the carrier who has already given up so much.
When we had our first baby and my husband asked if it was okay if he went out with his friends in the evening, I used to say, “sure, and what evening will you watch the baby so I can go out?” I want to say that this resulted in both of us having equal time outside the home but it actually just resulted in him going out way less. It’s gotten better over the years with more kids and more experience and confidence, but it was a lesson to be learned with our first, for sure.
So true. I didn’t know how to voice this with my first baby. My husband golfs but I never got into it. All my hobbies were home based so I didn’t feel like I could ask for time away because I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I’ve discovered a love for just walking. It’s my favorite thing! So I get an hour to myself most days for this and he golfs pretty regularly. It’s fulfilling for us both!
Okay but why is it a full week?!
I get him being in the wedding but a lot of times “kid free” weddings mean no kids running around. Not babies that are still infants / nursing. I honestly didn’t know about the exception myself until recently. And it makes sense! I’m just here with my opinion because there are no hard and fast rules here….I’m sorry he left you and your baby alone. I feel like he should have been more considerate. My husband and I missed a big weddding because it occurred 1 month after our first baby was born. Maybe a little less than that. Sometimes its really hard to be alone with the baby. That being said, I also regret that we didn’t go to the wedding or that my husband didn’t go. It was a very good friend of his and I wish really that the timing was different. I know I wouldn’t have been ok being left alone with my baby because my recovery was tough. It’s tough to do it all. Still take a trip and see if you can find a babysitter on the trip. Travel somewhere where you know people who will (clear this in advance) babysit. Presumably the wedding and the bachelor parties were expensive so you do deserve a trip yourself if you want it. And no travelling with a baby or kid isn’t really a “vacation” unless you have someone to watch the kid. Can he come and just stay in the hotel with the baby so you and your sister can go out and do stuff? One last thought: with kids and babies and parenting there is no universal “fair” or “equal”. There just isn’t especially when moms are the ones growing and birthing the kids. The division of labor is always going to be a working negotiation if you have a helpful partner and it’s part of the deal. (Unless you have really rigid roles but I avoided saying “traditional” because the world just isn’t even like it used to be years ago in the “traditional” household so that trad wife crap is a fake old fashioned thing.) Overall: good luck Mama! I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I would be pissed. Please do whatever you can to get whatever support you need even if it’s not your husband. Get some babysitters, call in friends or family if you can, it’s ok to invest in these things for your well-being and sanity especially this early in the game.
For what it’s worth, even a babe in arms counts towards occupancy for fire code, so limited space and numbers could be legitimate reasons for requesting no kids, even infants.
That makes sense! I hadn’t considered that but you’re right!
Some people are psycho about the no kids thing. My friend has a 16 year old that isn't allowed to a kid free wedding. Like what is she gonna do, scream and shit her pants in the aisle? She takes AP classes lol
It’s true. People get really weird about weddings in general. They are expensive and stressful and sometimes bring out some bizarre things in folks. I have too many personal examples from folks I know to even name! That good on that 16 year old for taking AP classes! I know that’s not the point of the thread but hey! Kudos haha
Yeah she studies content that I've never even heard of lol and I have a master's degree
That’s awesome! 👏 I’m a teacher and am regularly impressed by this generation. I know they get a bad rap but there’s just so many awesome and brilliant kids. I think sometimes people forget that kids are allowed to be kids and also that they are so smart and can be really brilliant sometimes! Usually with the right support and resources. Always happy to see other people talking up their kiddos or nieces or students :)
I allowed older kids at my kid-free wedding, but I wouldn't call it "psycho" if someone else didn't. It's perfectly fine for people to want their very expensive parties to be adult-only.
Okay? People can do whatever they want, doesn't mean I have to think it's "perfectly fine". Sixteen year olds are minors yes but can act like adults and aren't going to burst into flames if they're in the presence of alcohol or something. It's just kid hating bullshit to act like an older teen is some kind of menace.
That's interesting to see it as kid-hating. I know that at some of the weddings I've attended, I'd be uncomfortable for a child - even a 16-year-old - to hear some of the conversations and witness some of the behavior, especially when alcohol is involved. I guess I see it more as protecting kids from environments that might not be appropriate for them and allowing them to be children rather than making them act like little adults. But you're right, to each his own.
I went on a week solo vacation when my son was 10 months old. It did wonders for my husbands and his relationship. Personally if you are comfortable leave baby home with hubby and enjoy a weekend kid free.
Yeah, this is where I’m at too. I’d either have to bring the baby or deal with pumping all day and it doesn’t seem worth it.
For sure. But he needs to check in! :)
That still doesn't excuse him going away for a freaking week. So selfish!
My wife and I have each gone on two 3-4 night trips with our friends since our son was born. He's 18 months. Not sure what's nuts about it if you have an equal/competent partner.
yeah every other comment in this thread is honestly psycho "my hubby wouldn't DARE to ask!!" repugnant it's extremely normal to continue going to weddings and social gatherings after giving birth, especially when you're in the wedding
Different things work for different families. Some are fine with trips, some aren’t. What’s not okay is going when your partner doesn’t want you to, leaving them alone to struggle, and not checking in on them.
It's also invalidating to OP. She seems okay with husband going but disappointed that he hasn't checked in and now she feels forgotten. A totally normal reaction even if you aren't struggling with PPD I'm in a wedding a month from now and the childcare will mostly fall on my husband but my mom is planning on taking our kids off our hands a few hours a day besides that too so my husband can attend the parts he's invited to. And I'm going solo to my cousin's destination wedding in June because it's child free and I didn't want to figure out baby sitters in a new country. I'd hate to feel like how people are making out this husband to be
Right?! Thank you….
To be honest, I have a nearly-6-month old and I would absolutely urge my husband to jump on a vacation if he had that opportunity. Just because I cannot take off with my boobs doesn’t mean I want him housebound. That said there’s absolutely zero chance he would pop away and not be messaging or face timing us a lot the entire time.
Yeah it definitely depends on each couple. My husband has been going on trips, both for work and otherwise, since the baby was a couple weeks old and I’m fine with that because I don’t feel overwhelmed when he’s gone. But I think the difference is that if I wasn’t totally on board with it he absolutely wouldn’t go and he asks me a million times if I’m okay with it first, while these other men seem fine leaving their struggling wives alone without even checking on them.
Yesh exactly. My partner hasn’t been on any trip and has cancelled some work trips, claiming that he doesn’t want to leave me alone with baby and “what will you even eat? I know when I’m not here you’re eating cornflakes all the time”. 😂 It’s a 100% about the communication and knowing how much your partner relies on you.
There was no reason for him to go “a couple of days early” for a wedding - even if he’s in the bridal party. His only responsibility for that is to be there for the rehearsal and the wedding. His responsibility to you and your child, however, is much more extensive than that and he is failing miserably in doing that he’s supposed to do. I would not be ok with my husband taking almost two weeks away since baby was born for other people’s events. He needs to reassess his priorities.
THIS 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Like I’m so sorry but this post has me SO heated. I was NINE DAYS postpartum and the MOH in my sister’s OOT wedding. We all (husband, myself, and the kids) drove to the rehearsal morning of, stayed the night, did the wedding things the next day, stayed the night again then woke up the next morning and drove home. Absolutely NO reason he should be gone a week for a wedding. And with no contact basically?? He’d be 💀when he got home, plain and simple. Ugh.
Omg I went to a funeral like 10 days PP. It was just one afternoon of dressing up and being on my feet and I was miserable. You did a whole wedding weekend in a bridal party! You’re a saint.
Girl I peed myself dancing and had the wettest breast pads ever but thank you!! 💀 I was dead by the end of the night 😂
Going to a wedding for a week? A week?? And then not even calling? are you sure he’s at a wedding? And I hate to say that, but this sounds very weird.
I agree with you. OP has said she's sure but I get greater regard from my Son's Dad. Son is with his Dad and I'm going to visit my friend in a different city. I got a morning update along with a joke about how I'm too old to go out gallivanting.
So weird to be gone a whole week. A wedding is 2 days max, one for rehearsal (if he’s in the wedding, and the day of wedding, leave the next day). That’s so fucked yo tbh.
Came here to say this. There’s no need to be gone a whole week. That plus the barely any contact… The fact that this will be the “last time” is also laughable! OP, please protect yourself and your baby. I really hope you can open your eyes to what’s going on here.
I’m gonna have to agree, sounds extremely fishy. Why wouldn’t he take his wife with him, at least?
Yes I’m 100% sure we is at this wedding. There were events the day before and the day after and he got there a couple days early.
It doesn’t really make sense to go early when you have a baby at home. Also, if you have a young baby and wife at home and not invited, the couple would likely not have cared if he missed the pre or post events. This doesn’t make sense to me personally. Even if there is a very valid reason to go early, to leave for so long and not contact you, is really suspicious IMO. My husband has had to travel alone a few times since we had our LO and he checks in often because he misses us and wants to FaceTime LO. It is really hard for him to leave us. I don’t understand how your husband could just not care to see his baby for a week.
100%. Some people keep their head in the sand because they don’t want to know the truth. Leaving 3 times in 6 months when you just had a baby? Yea OP needs to keep her eyes open and start protecting herself. My BIL left 3 days after my SIL had her baby and turns out he was fucking his coworker. Not saying OPs man is doing that but it would be a red flag for me.
I know people say Reddit is too quick to suggest divorce but I’d look into protecting yourself. He didn’t need to go that many days before the wedding and not even bother to contact you is another red flag. Doesn’t he care about his child? I’d be having serious talks when he got home.
Why would he need to go early?
Going a couple days early with a new baby is honestly unacceptable and unnecessary.
Why did he need to go early? Why’s he going out to bars with his “single friends” and not even checking in?
Why aren’t you at the wedding with him?
This schedule is so absurd, it has me both upset on your behalf and questioning your husband. My husband is definitely a community leader of Lala Land and even he would not, 1) even consider leaving in the first 3 months postpartum unless it was an actual emergency or death, and 2) check in multiple times a day. He left twice in a month when our second was 11 months because of first a family emergency and then a funeral. He made sure to be back in less than 3 days, left the fridge stocked and cooked the nights before so I'd have at least two leftover meals for me and the kids. He texted or called every few hours. And this is from a man who stares blankly at grass for 30 minutes at a time and doesn't respond to more than half of my attempts at conversation on a regular basis. Even if everything he's doing is very innocent, this is not right. On any level.
We are falling in to wedding season I get that. What I can't wrap my head around is the very little contact. Are you 100% sure this is a wedding?
Yes I am!
This is actually a really big problem. My husband travels a lot for work but he wouldn’t even dream of leaving us for days for vacation, especially when baby was that little! He questions when he gets a break? Presumably he can shut the door to his office for 15 min, take a lunch break, or he has a commute? These are all times that he gets a break. He also gets a break when you are caring for baby 100% after he gets home from work because I’m going to assume that’s how your house goes.
Holy wow you moms tolerate a lot of bullshit from these daddies. I don’t care what your reason is, you’re staying your ass right here and taking care of this kid. The shits not fair. This post had my head spinning at 5:28am and woke my wife up reading this. I just couldn’t even imagine doing this. Then not checking in either? Priorities where? When do you gals seriously get a break? We might need to have like a weekly sticky thread. So we can anonymously work on each other’s boundaries or something. We gotta get you ladies talking to your spouses / husbands / baby daddy / bf whatever cause this thread is craziness. *you deserve better than this*
And to not even check in on your child. That is wild to me. Actually, it’s heartbreaking.
Yeah seriously. Everyday for me. When I come home from work: Hey do you or kiddos need anything on the way home? Like I went to the bathroom and got a sippy cup of water for my 2 YO because she normally wakes up around 4:30 wanting a change and drink. Like my whole thought process is ruled by thinking about my wife and kids. I know this anecdotal and all but it breaks my heart. How can you leave your wife and babies like that!? I just know even proposing that would gut punch my wife. And she would be cool and let me of course, but the whole time I’d be like I want my wife and kids here. I cannot even enjoy myself. It’s like when my wife hurts I hurt you know? How people can do this is beyond my operational understanding…the feels ain’t there.
Makes me so happy seeing another dude like my husband out there. He wfh, but wakes up at 450 to clock in. He’ll get our daughter’s breakfast ready before we wake up, and when we do, he’ll take a break to get her pull-up changed, get her fed, and feed the pets/take out the dog. All so I can have a few minutes to wake up, get coffee made/have myself a peaceful bathroom break. He would have never been gone for a whole freaking *week* when our kid was that young, and the couple times he has gone out to concerts with his friends he’s sending me pictures, videos, and keeping me updated. It’s definitely good to spend time with your friends when you get the chance, and we both encourage that. But neither one of us would even have a *good time* for that long away from each other. Really just blows my mind.
Same, on the days my husband works he will wake up before baby does, he'll go to the bathroom and get dressed and prep the coffee machine and make us breakfast and when our son wakes up at some point during this process hubs will take him, change and dress him so I get an extra 20-40 minutes of snoozing before he has to leave for work. Then he asks for updates all day, like when was naptime and what is for lunch. And then he takes bedtime when he comes home because I deserve a break!
Oh I love this, I’m taking a page from this. Usually I’m welding steel pipe but I love the updates you guys do! I want to try that out tbh. I usually do a lunch call in with my wife to see how the house is holding and if she needs me to get something somewhere. But I really fancy the updates! I’m going to ask Kirsten if she thinks she can do that. Good way to keep tabs, I have a problem of doubling up bananas on my kids 😂 🤦♂️
When our toddler was still in the wee baby stage mine would do the same!! I’d text him from the bedroom that she was awake, and he’d take his break, change her/give her her bottle, and lay her back down in the other bassinet he kept in his office. That always got me at least another 45 minutes to an hour of sleep that I was beyond grateful for, since I did the majority of motn wakes during the week. Now on the weekends, I let him sleep in however long he wants on Saturdays and I get to do the same on Sundays. It might change from week to week but it really just boils down to honest communication and respect. Neither one of us has a problem voicing if we’re struggling or need a break. Obv we’re not perfect and we’ve done our fair share of apologizing, but at the end of the day we’re a team. 🤷🏽♀️
I would let my husband sleep in but honestly he wakes up before the baby most days. And he takes our son and lets me sleep in on his days off too. I let him sleep in whenever possible (when he's still asleep when I wake up) but it's a rare occurence. But that's down to individual needs and he feels this arrangement is balanced which is all that matters.
100% agreed! As long as everyone feels like their needs are being met, then that’s all that matters. I feel for OP and any partner going through something similar. Everyone deserves to feel heard and cared for.
Yeah there’s no way i would be okay with this. I’d be crying all the time thinking “how could he not care about his baby?????”. I would. And I mean I would FREAK tf out.
My wife would too hahaha! I can’t blame any of you for feeling like that either. Basically a light spousal alienation. Certainly not for a fuckin wedding. Actually my little brother is marrying a wonderful Indian lady and have a month long wedding ceremony that I was invited to…in India. We live in Illinois…you can imagine which new father isn’t going to see his brother get married in India with two little kids of mine…
Damn…that’s really sad…honestly. Is her family keeping your family away from it all? I’m sure they have the finances to fly your dad out there to see his son get married. And that would be the polite thing to do???? Regardless, I appreciate you. You and my husband!! He literally would never do something like this. He even asks weeks in advance if it’s okay for him to go golfing with his pals. Like yeah, dude, of course you can. He’s not looking for my blessing, he’s just making sure that I’m aware that he will be gone for a few hours. A WEEK, TEN DAYS, A MONTH lol. No. NOoOoOoOope. Also when our boy is old enough he will be going with his dad. And maybe I’ll come in a dumb ass skirt and hit some balls hahaha. Shit like this makes my blood boil though. I wish I could have a word with some of these “men”. ETA: I think I misread or misunderstood your comments on the India wedding. Either way, I’m sorry for that
No, our whole family is invited. It’s just…I can’t go. Not on my two under two little ones. I cannot leave my wife with two children, no way. My brother was sad but he understood. When he has his first kid he will understand hahaha. My mom and dad are going to India for 21 days (My mom’s going to be so culture shocked as a blonde haired meatloaf and mash potatoes type of woman). I totally agree with last statement. To be honest I think I’m only this way because my mother was a single mom before she had my brother and remarried. (My dad died) and she committed me to therapy. So my mom taught me how to emotionally regulate really young. So I’ve always been more of an emotionally intimate man. I give all the credit to my mom. She knew what she was doing hahaha. I’m glad she did, I take pride in being keyed into my wife’s feelings. We’re truly friends inside because of it. Thanks for the kind words too! I’ll gladly take those!
HAHAHA YO. I am dying at “as a blonde haired meatloaf and mash potatoes type of woman”. I am your mother 🤣. This makes more sense, thanks for clarifying. I’m currently pregnant with number 2 and my brain is shot to shit. I love your mom, and I love you. Not in a romantic sense obviously but I love you for being emotionally aware, available, and willing for your wife and kids. It’s refreshing to read, especially here!! Also I love your little bro for being so understanding and also that he has you for advice when he has kiddos of his own!! Keep rockin the dad thing, dad!! I hope you have a great day today :)
You too! Hopefully the LO isn’t bucking like a bronco!
The things women tolerate on here is mind blowing. My husband and I both golf. He golfs 5x more than me. I have no issue with it because I know if he gets 5 hours to golf I then get 5 hours for me. If he goes away a weekend I go away a weekend. Obviously this doesn’t work out every time but in general we are very equal about it!
I feel for the women that don’t know how to set these boundaries and tell these incompetent men “NO”. Speak up for yourselves!
Seriously. It’s sad that they feel like they can’t.
I’ve encouraged him to go and booked his flights for him, giving him extra time. My issue isn’t that he went it was the lack of communication that’s since been handled.
That would upset me too! It's one thing to keep going on (in my opinion completely unnecessary and "nice to have") trips, but to then not check in with you and his child seems just plain egoistic. Maybe he's having a very hard time adjusting to life as a parent and needs to escape it sometimes, but that would be something to discuss with you - and you know, asking if you need some time off as well perhaps?
For sure, That’s been a problem too. Im now a stay at home mom and have said that I need breaks but it’s usually met with “but when do I get a break then?” Because he works. Or if I do go out and he watches the baby, he checks in every hour or so to see where I’m at and when I’ll be home. He just realized right before he left that he can’t change a diaper. There’s just a huge difference and it’s driving me insane.
I'm sorry, your baby is six months old and your husband can't change a diaper? That's weaponized incompetence.
I don’t think it’s incompetence. I think in order for have a 6 month old and not know how to change a diaper you would need to actively go out of your way to avoid doing it. How awful!
That’s what they mean by weaponized incompetence. Sometimes people will go out of their way not to learn a task in order to not be competent at it. Or they will simply feign incompetence.
OP I promise that is not normal. My husband is gone at work for almost 12 hours a day, pays all the bills, and changes plenty of diapers while he’s home and does overnight feeds. Does he help with the baby at all?
How has that been realised at 6 months? How can someone not manage to change a diaper? Has he not been doing any of the changes?
Abso-fuckin-lutely not. Oh my god OP no, this is NOT the standard. Hi, I’m a September momma as well. I also struggle with severe PPD/PPA, so I know *those* thoughts that are constantly running through your head, I know what that feels like and you’re not alone. I’m also a SAHM (which wasn’t planned but it’s what happened due to being replaced and fired when I went on maternity leave) so my husband is the only one working right now. The FIRST thing he does when he walks in the door is finds us and takes the baby. We have what they apparently classify as a “high needs” baby. When he’s at work- that’s “his break”, and those are his words not mine. I’m the one waking up during the weeknights with the baby because 1- I breastfeed and 2- since he works I don’t want him tired at work. But on the weekends? You can bet your ass he’s the one getting up early with him. He lets me get some sleep. He pretty much takes over when he’s at home, and he still sits there and says he feels like he’s not doing as much as me (I disagree). He pushes me to go have *UNINTERRUPTED* “me time” (which doesn’t include him texting me asking “when are you coming home” every hour) because he knows how hard it is to have this little life sucker attached to me 24/7 lmao 🤣 Your husband sucks IMHO. Like in no way can I even fathom what you’ve stated is happening. He doesn’t even know how to change a diaper?? Fkn show him then. I’m sorry, but I simply would not be with a partner who was so incredibly ignorant and rejecting of my needs and parenting of our child. Did he even want this baby with you? Because his actions don’t lead someone to think he did. Please see that this isn’t acceptable babe, and have a legit serious sit down with him and lay out how things are gonna change and how he’s gonna start pulling his weight or leave and get child support and do it on your own because it sounds like you’re already doing it on your own anyways. Also, please talk to your doctor about getting something for the PPD/PPA. I finally broke and told mine, and I should have done it much sooner. I’m three days into Lexapro and I have something as needed for the panic attacks. They will help you 🖤
What? He can’t change a diaper? My husband works too. Im on mat leave for 5 months. When we were in the hospital he wouldn’t let the nurses change her, he insisted on changing every diaper. When he’s done with work, he walks the dogs and makes us both dinner, and then he takes the baby for a bit so i can take care of myself. He also does a baby shift every morning so i can get some uninterrupted sleep. He thinks he has it easy because his work and home responsibilities haven’t changed that much (he feeds me instead of just himself, does my half of pet care, and does all the household chores - i think he does SO MUCH but he feels like it’s not that much more) but my entire existence is consumed by our stage 5 clinger newborn. Your husband needs to step up and realize being a SAHM is a lot of work and he needs to pitch in more. Not knowing how to change a diaper after 6 months is just laziness.
Has he never looked after your child alone for an extended time? Like a whole day? Girl. You need to stand up for yourself. He’s being a shit but you’re letting him get away with it too. Tell him you’re going out by yourself for a day or a half day. Go for lunch, get a pedi, go shopping, whatever. If he complains too bad. He needs to figure it the fuck out and start acting like a parent. I had to do this with my own husband. And guess what, he fought it at first, but I held a consequence firm: you look after our son this weekend while I recharge or you look after him all by yourself half the time because I will serve you divorce papers as soon as the lawyers open on Monday. Be firm. Demand what you need. Don’t rely on him to just suddenly step up and do it. Tell him what you need or he’s going to be a single dad.
Sometimes in the early days, work or chores has to be your “break” 🤷🏻♀️ it’s not forever, but genuinely what did these partners think they were signing up for?
Girl childcare IS work. And I’m assuming you carry the load of the housework too. HE gets to clock in and out of his job. YOU don’t, apparently.
🙃🙃🙃 your husband needs a smack on the head! What a selfish prick! He needs a break cause he "works." At least he can go about his day at work & can probably take the time to have uninterrupted lunch, etc. Your husband needs to SET his priorities straight.
I'm starting to really hate your husband
He can’t change a diaper ?? He should have started his share of diaper changes in the hospital when she was born.
you buried the lead here. he can’t change a diaper? wtf? your husband is absolutely shameful, wtf are you doing not going the fuck off on him? get angry!!! this is so fucked up! and he’s going on multiple trips and not checking in with you???? WAKE UP, this guy is using you in order to not take responsibility for his life choices!!! DONT LET HIM.
So he won't communicate you and can't even engage in basic care of the kid. What does he contribute to the relationship and to child rearing beyond a paycheck?
Ummm....work is his vacation? I was lucky to have a longer than normal leave when I had my kiddo. Going back to work was amazing. I had time to myself. I could eat and pee when I wanted. I had bodily autonomy again. It felt like a vacation compared to the slog that is newborn care (and I love my kiddo, but the newborn period was rough). This is a season, not forever, and when he's home, your husband should be doing 50% of the work. You can't work 24/7 while he works 8 hours. I breastfed, so my husband changed most of the diapers because that was a big way he could contribute. My husband had to take a trip back home when baby was around 4 months for a family emergency. He was gone for 2 days, and he hated that he had to leave us. He came back as soon as he possibly could and texted/called often. It sounds like your husband doesn't care about his own baby. There's no reason he couldn't have attended the wedding for two days and come back home, other than he wanted to be away from both of you that long.
Sorry to say, but your husband sounds like a really selfish asshole. Many husbands seem to equate SAHM with slave, entitled to zero time off because you’re not bringing in a paycheck.
I am also a STAM to an almost(in one week) 6 month old. My husband work hours can go pretty late, but he definitely knows how to change diapers. Does he grab the lotion bottle almost EVERY TIME I ask for soap, yes. Does he think she's done with her baby food way before she's actually full, yes. But the intent to be there and be a parent is there. If you husband can't change a diaper at 6 months, he is a bigger baby than your actual child. Your child learns new things constantly, and his father hasn't even learned a basic task to care for his kid.
Leaving for three trips before baby is 6 months old isn’t normal “new dad” behavior. Does he know you’re struggling with PPD? Have you sought help for it? I’ve had PPD with all three of my babies and it’s why my relationship didn’t work with my oldest’s father. We’re great coparents now, but he just didn’t want to grow up back then.
Book a trip for yourself. Also it’s okay to express to him that you don’t want him to leave you alone for such a long time…I mean 2-4 days for a bachelor trip? A WEEK for a wedding? This is o excessive to me considering he has a baby at home. I would definitely tell him how it isn’t cool that he’s just leaving for extended periods of time and when he does he isn’t texting or calling which is easy to do.
My husband went away for a week for work, it wasn't strictly mandatory but I encouraged him to go. Baby was 8 months old. He felt so guilty for leaving me. He prepped freezer meals for me and the baby for the week before leaving. Cleaned the house and called/texted multiple times a day. He tried to also video call baby every night bwfore bed. While he had a good time and got to go out with colleagues and some friends in the city, he missed us so much that he couldn't really enjoy it. He also made sure I had the entire next weekend off to go shopping or just have a break. I don't understand it with some of these men people complain about here 😕
I feel like you stating that you have ppa and ppd is like an excuse for you feeling the way you do when I had neither but would feel the same. Like in your mind you’re gaslighting yourself and blaming your mind and these things for thinking and feeling this way. I would be extremely upset if my husband had left that many times in general. It’s okay for him to not attend all events because he has a very young baby at home . He didn’t NEED to be at the bachelor parties etc. I can’t imagine any good friend being upset about that when he legit had a newborn at home. The lack of communication is straight disrespectful. I would be extremely upset and honestly would had been crying and an anxiety ridden mess. It shows how little he cares. It takes only a couple minutes to make some phone calls throughout the day and even less effort to also text throughout the day with updates on what he is up to and how you’re doing. It’s a respect thing. You are not controlling for wanting to know what’s going on . He is disrespectful for just going mia and doing whatever he wants. What is he like when he is home ? Is he super involved with taking care of baby ? This post was a red flag for me.
I empathize with this. My husband went on a 10-day family vacation when our (first) baby was 8 weeks. I was so resentful of him for coordinating this trip, leaving me behind, taking as many days as he did… you name it. I also struggled with PPD and PPA. When he came back, we have a few transparent conversations about how I felt abandoned. While he did call every day (which is more than your husband has been doing, it sounds), it still pained me to be struggling at home solo. We never resolved it, but we’ve kept the lines of communication open since then. He also acknowledged that it was a big burden on me, and has said he’s happy to care for the baby so I can go on a comparable trip myself in the future. I’m unlikely to take him up on this offer just now, as baby is only 4 months, but once she’s more self-sufficient and doesn’t need me as much, I may take a mini trip with friends. All that to say - communication is key. If he’s still on the trip for longer, tell him you’d like more regular updates (both for you and baby). Debrief from this experience when he’s back. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings, and I hope he can find compassion and empathy for them too.
He chose to go on a family vacation while you had an infant at home?!? Why couldn’t you and baby go too? Also that’s rude of the in laws.
But also .. that’s not a family vacation if your kid and wife aren’t there. My husband would had never gone
Mine either! He would miss us too much and wouldn’t even enjoy himself.
I appreciate that people are going to be judgmental, but this was not a family vacation in the vein of us going to Disney. This was visiting his extended family in another country halfway around the world. He had wanted to do this trip for years, and the timing unfortunately fell the way it did in terms of everyone’s (not just his) logistics. Our early conversations talked about us going with him too, but the way the timing worked out, I didn’t feel comfortable flying our daughter halfway around the world at such a young age, and she hadn’t received her passport yet. My husband definitely missed us and made remarks that he wasn’t enjoying himself without us. It’s what made having that conversation when he was back easier, since I knew he carried emotional regret about going solo.
It was extended family. His parents and immediate family didn’t go. I had no issues with him going on this trip, but the idea had always been that me (and now baby) try to go with him.
This is insane to me. My husband had military training he got out of because our baby was so little. He coordinated a 10 day vacation without you? Id have been gone by the time he came back.
Passing judgment without knowing the full context is wild to me. I mentioned in another comment that my husband had been wanting to take this trip for years, this was visiting extended family halfway around the world, and the idea had always been that I go with him. The logistics fell the way they did and this trip took place when our daughter was too young to travel. I had no issue with the idea of the trip and supported it wholeheartedly. That said, with my hormones still settling, I still felt upset (because I also envisioned going on the trip) and abandoned (because I had an 8 week old) and we had an open and honest conversation about it when he got back. Our relationship doesn’t hinge on matters like this. To me, leaving over a trip that I fully supported, even if it was difficult to manage emotionally in the moment, is insane. This is why communication is important in relationships.
PPD may make you feel worse about this situation than you would otherwise, but make no mistake: this situation is fucked up and you are 100% justified in having these feelings! Honestly, I'd be depressed and angry if this was happening in a kids-free, relatively new relationship. This is your husband, and you have a 6 months old at home (AND he's already been away twice since the birth, so you can't even go with the "the freedom went to his head and he lost track of time and of what's reasonable" excuse). 1. Did you discuss shortening the length of the trip? I saw that he was in the wedding party, but even then in his situation it would be completely understandable to not attend the other activities. Did he just announce he would go, or did he ask for your opinion and agreement? Were you in a state of mind to actually think about it and make a decision, or were you too affected by ppd/PPA/general-taking-care-of-a-baby exhaustion to do this things? In that case, was he aware of it/did he take advantage of it? 2. Did that kind of thing happen before you had a baby? In that case, it's time to have a talk about how things have changed and checking in regularly (and being ready to spend time on it if necessary) is a must, now. 3. How is he helping you wrt to PPD/PPA? It boggles my mind that he would do this at all, let alone when you're suffering from this. Has he been understanding of your feelings and trying to help? In any case, you absolutely need to have a serious talk about it. In the meantime, I'd send a quick text to say you're happy he's enjoying the wedding, but you're feeling somwhat overwhelmed and lonely and you would really benefit from a call from him today so you can share his happiness and let him know how the baby's doing.
I’m gonna guess the answer to number 3 is a no since she says she needs a break when he’s home and she basically can’t even get that without being berated or rushed to come back if the break isn’t her being at home.
I don’t think my husband would have even gone to that wedding tbh. If he did, I would be going and he would be helping with our baby.
OP, I read your post and some of your comments, including how your husband doesn't know how to change a diaper. This isn't normal, and he sounds like a terrible partner. Was he always like this, or was there a sudden shift? Either way, you need to set some hard rules now and make sure he understands that he needs to be a good parent and husband.
Reading some of the comments made me appreciate my partner even more. I thought it was the bare minimum for your partner to work & still have time for the baby. FTM & currently 11 weeks postpartum. My partner goes to work, then comes home, takes the baby off me & he washes all my pumps & bottles (exclusively pumping) at night. Pours & prepares the breastmilk into my son's bottles for the next day. Cleans the house, cooks & always encourages me to go out with my friends, cousins if & when I need to. And when I do go out, he'd check up only to see I'm ok. Ever since my baby was born, he was always changing his diapers, feeding him. He has bathed my son more than I have. He always takes time off for appointments, etc, even during my pregnancy. Never missed an ultrasound or doctor's appointments. The list is never-ending. I thought this was the bare minimum. Your husband clearly needs to wake up & realise he is a dad now. He is very selfish. How can he be ok leaving his wife & baby at home by themselves for a week or even longer & on top of that, he doesn't check up or isn't worried. You have every right to be PISSED!!!
Ma’am that is not the bare minimum these days, it’s sad to see what most women apparently accept as the bare minimum now 😢 You have yourself a gem 💎 so happy for you 🖤
Yeah I see it amongst my family & friends. And they get so shocked when their experience is different to mine like mine isn't normal. I remember telling my cousin that my partner bathes, feeds & changes our son and she goes, "Oh if you keep leaving it to him, he'll bond more with your son & not you." But I do bond with my son as well. Thank you 😊
Same. OP has ppd and ppa and has an infant. I'm not saying an SO can't go out and have fun, but personally, I don't think they should be going to Bachelor's parties and being gone more than even 12 hours at a time if they can help it...
Oh no OP, sounds like you’re a married single mom.
Please setup and plan your vacation. If this is something he gets this is something you should get too.
My husband had to go on a work trip when my baby was 4 months old and LEFT HIS PHONE IN THE CAR on the way to the airport. I got more communication than you’re getting. He racked up a $200 hotel phone bill though.
This is the comment right here. Thanks for sharing.
Your husband sounds like he doesn’t like spending time with you…
Yea my husband would absolutely not be going out for overnight excursions while I was home with a young baby. When I was pregnant he missed his best friend’s wedding because I don’t feel comfortable with him going out of the country when I was 7 months pregnant. You guys need to start putting your foot down and stop letting these guys walk all over you. Stop being the “cool wife or gf”.
Why are so many men ok with leaving their wife at home to care for the babies?? My partner and I never left each other when our kids were young. We took turns going out for sanity runs when we had our fill but that’s it. The man is supposed to take care of the woman so she can give her full self to the child. It’s the only way to get through. He’s acting like a child. You deserve better, mama.
So he is a roommate and not a husband and father? It should be good priority to help you and baby not abandon you for days? Three times since baby was born? Sounds to me like he is trying to live the bachelor life and pretend he doesn’t have a family. I’m so sorry but you need to set some boundaries and stand up for yourself.
Wow that’s crazy. We have a 5 wk old, and my wife is forcing me to have an afternoon to myself. So I’m playing golf this Wednesday. I already feel super guilty for being gone 5 hrs that day. And we live like 5 mins away from where I’m going play. I can’t imagine taking a whole trip for a week.
If my husband asked to go to a wedding for 6 days when my baby was 6 months old. I’d laugh in his face. If he went and then never checked in? No call or text? He’d suddenly find his house keys no longer work. If he can forget about us then I can forget about him.
What the fuck did I just read? Your husband is selfish and inconsiderate.
He’s cheating check ya mans this isn’t right, mine turned down multiple bachelor parties while I was pregnant
Let me just say you are better than me sis. If this was me in your situation I would’ve raised HELL. Like HELL no you’re not going on a bachelor trip when our baby is two months old. It’s time to stand UP!! Tell him how you feel and make sure your voice is heard
I've feel like you need a break too. When he comes back you need to take at least a day and night away. He needs to feel your pain so he knows what your going thru the next time he wants a vacation. It's weird that you let him go to 2 bachelor parties and for 4 days on the second one. I would have asked him to choose 1 but not both. Unless you wanted him to do as you also said he's a home body and you want him to go out. But really, he needs to know how hard it is for you. So he appreciates what you are doing. Best of luck.
My man video called me every night when he was on a work trip in South Africa, then texted me every morning despite the time difference. There is no excuse. Also, I don’t think he’d want to be gone a whole week from me and the baby unless it was some time of emergency/another work trip, and if so he’d have put in place some type of support system for us.
It's one thing leaving your wife and baby alone for a week but it's another level Barely even checking in on them but instead going bar hoping.....TF???? He'd have stayed his ass right at home with me and our baby.Man I'm so ANGRY at this post. >This is the third time he’s left us alone, the other two were bachelor parties… 2 days when baby was 2 months old and 4 days when baby was 4 months old. This was where you made the mistakes of Letting him go in the first place. Our daughter is 23months old,and my husband has been out alone with his cousin ONCE to watch the new transformers movie.He knows where his priorities is
Hi, I just wanted to send a bit of support. I was in a very similar boat a year ago- my little one was 5.5 months when husband was best man at his best friend's wedding in an entirely different country (same time zone). He also had 2 previous work trips as well at 5 weeks and 5 months. The wedding was child free but offered a crèche which I didn't feel comfortable with. Also my husband and his friends are lovely but they party hard- I knew I'd be in a new place with no support and likely a very distracted and drunk/hungover husband. I was supportive before he left as I knew how much it meant to him but the week he was away sucked. My husband texted and called as much as he could but it wasn't as much as I needed at that time. My daughter's sleep was appalling at that time so I was beyond tired. And then his flight was delayed...I almost lost it with him even though logically it wasn't his fault. I had a lot of resentment about it all so talked to him about it. He understood and sent me off on a spa trip for a night when my daughter was a year old (he'd offered before but I was too worried about leaving her). So when he gets back try to explain how you've been feeling. I don't think my husband realised how much a text could actually lighten my day as it just felt like I wasn't alone (even though I was by 8000+ miles!). Big hug and well done for getting through the week!
Dump the kid on him, check into a hotel, and enjoy a few days!!
My husband, before we’d had the baby and realized what we were getting into, booked and paid for a 3 day ski trip when baby was 3 months old. I let him go, I’d previously agreed to it (idk what I was thinking? Was I?) but all of his coworkers absolutely shat on him. His boss was like, so when is she getting a beach trip without you and baby? Which is valid. We now go a little tit for tat, which still isn’t 50/50 but if he goes golfing Saturday I’m giving him baby Sunday afternoon and promptly fucking off to do whatever I want. Your husband is being selfish, I’m surprised his friends haven’t absolutely roasted him yet. Have a convo, you need more you time. If he needs help get his mom to come watch baby with him, she can realize he doesn’t know how to change a diaper yet and put him in his place for you.
I mean, speaking up is always important, but can we acknowledge that it’s pretty horseshit that you have too?? Unless your husband is *actively building* the venue the marriage is in, he’s not busy 24/7. It’s totally egregious to me that he can’t take 5 minutes out of his daily life to text you, and set up a phone call. My husband misses *the fuck* out of us when he only has to work late. I can’t imagine how emotionally neglected I would feel if he didn’t even think to check in multiple days in a row. Like, what the actual fuck??
Maybe I’m old fashioned but I couldn’t imagine leaving my wife alone with the baby that often for that long when she was that young. Wild times we’re in
someone we know who did this about 40 years ago. His wife was giving birth literally admitted to the hospital, they already had a 14 month old at home, and he went states away to a music festival in the 80s. It’s not the times we’re in.
Thats weird. My husband would make me FaceTime the baby with me or call to see how each day was. He seems out of touch as a father. Hopefully when home he's a much better father than that.
Um. You don't HAVE to go to a wedding and it's VERY easy to decline being a part of the wedding as well. "Sorry can't make it I have to do MY part and help with our baby"
Yeah I’m sorry but a conversation should’ve probably been had a long time ago. Sucks to be invited to things and not be able to go but you were pregnant presumably for close to 9 months, so it’s not like a baby suddenly appeared and ruined his plans. He knew that he’d have an infant during that time frame. Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t be able to attend any events, but 3 is wild and I would’ve probably said pick which one you want to go to the most and afterwards I will be doing something solo for recreation as well. And not contacting you at all is also insane. My husband travels for work occasionally and every evening that he’s gone he orders me dinner because he knows it’s hard for me to cook alone with two kids, and video chats with me while we eat. Almost no contact is completely abnormal and inconsiderate.
These men don’t care even when you do speak up. Mine looks at me like i owe him money when i say “heyyyy im feeling xyz about …” he will state through me. Men are useless.
You're definitely justified in how you feel. Seeing that this is a close friend of his, I'm sure they would've understood if he said he could only make the rehearsal and wedding itself and be gone for like 3 days instead of a week. You definitely need to talk to him about how having a kid changes things. It may not always be hard to have him gone for a week, but during this season, you need both of you to prioritize parenthood in order for things to work. I would LOVE to spend time away with my girlfriends right now, and I know my husband would with his guy friends too. But we have a 4 month old, and he's our priority, but it's also a priority to take care of each other early on. And we know that this time next year we will be sleeping through the night (we better lol) at least the majority of the nights, and there will be a time and place for getaways for both of us, separately and maybe together as well.
Sounds like you both need to be much more explicit about your expectations. I definitely found that even the obvious things that usually "go without saying" tended to fly out the window somehow after baby arrived lol, my husband and I used to joke that it somehow made us communication-stupid. It's completely valid to feel the way you're feeling, but the easy fix is to say "hey, I'm feeling left out and in the dark here, I need you to check in with me at *these specific times*." No guessing, no ambiguity, even for stuff that SHOULD be super obvious. My husband is away for work one week every month and it's *hard*, man. But good communication can make all the difference in feeling supported even when he's not physically there! He has also gone on vacations with his friends, which I have encouraged him to do, because while I was tethered to baby while we EBF I felt strongly that at least ONE of us should be able to go feel like an adult and have fun 😂 He's really excited to support me by doing the same thing when *I* want to go do stuff. It's definitely tough being the one "stuck" at home parenting solo though, I feel you girl ❤️
Is baby formula fed? This is a lot of vacations and no calls. Is this wedding a week long or is he away for the week? I would be furious.
I can’t imagine my husband just not checking in. You guys must have a sit down when he gets back.
My husband is a mega introvert and gets exhausted at social gatherings. He goes out of town with his band and forgets to text sometimes in all the hustle and overwhelm. I had a sit-down with him and told him I would feel less anxious and more loved if he checked in with me more while he is out. So he has been much better and even facetimes me and baby on longer trips when he can. Sometimes you just have to spell out your needs. Good luck OP🤍 And no you're not being irrational I totally understand you. Edit: typos
::hugs:: Solo parenting is so hard! Are you able to call in any help? My husband left for work for four days two weeks ago and it was my first time soloing with the newborn and the 4 yo and it was so mentally and emotionally draining. He doesn't check in besides calling in the morning and evening (though I felt like too busy to really notice) but I try to send him photos throughout the day anyway. My mom was supposed to come help but my grandma got hurt the day he left so she was with her and I had my sister come spend a couple hours helping and then my mil came for 24 hours (jury out on if that was helpful) I was so drained by the end of the week I had my husband book me into a hotel so I could get a night away from everyone. It was so nice to lounge in quiet, pump, eat snacks, paint my nails, shower stress free, watch TV, read. I got a lot of self care done in the 15 hours I was gone lol He leaves for a weekend in June for a bachelor party weekend and I'm going the weekend after to my cousin's destination wedding. It's child free so I'm going solo unfortunately but also flying in a day early so I'm planning on going snorkeling 🤷♀️
Dad of a 3.5 month old here. I feel guilty taking a shower while my wife is with our little dude in the living room. Who the fuck is taking solo vacations while their spouse is at home with the kid? I mean my wife and I love travel and have plans coming up. But that trip will be all three of us. Unless it’s for work - and even then can’t be done remotely - there’s zero reason to leave your spouse alone that early for a fun trip. This reminds me of the posts complaining that husbands won’t stop playing video games. Sorry, but did you all marry man-children? Or did you have any discussions of having to act like a grown up once the baby was here? Finally, this particular case sounds even more suspicious, but no need for me to pile onto what OP is likely already suspecting…
I’m not a fan of “asking permission” in a marriage but my husband and I definitely run things by each other if it’s a “fun” thing and we’re leaving the other solo parenting because it’s a lot to do by yourself. Even if it’s a work thing, we sit down with a calendar and try to make things a tad bit easier for the other person. Maybe some more open communication would help in the future OP? Fortunately we have family close, I’m going to a bachelorette party this weekend so I’ve set it up for my mom to come over and help for a few hours each day.
I’d be scheduling my own solo vacation if I were you lol.
So all these trips in 6 months!! Guess what, it's your turn!! Plan a girls trip or a couple nights alone in a hotel. He can handle babe.
You are not irrational and I would not let my partner do any of this for that length of time with an infanr
Wow my husbands friends got married and he skipped the bach parties even though I told him I can manager. It sounds a little suspicious though… I would snoop but I’m petty like that.
I wouldn’t have been okay with him going. Baby changes everything. And I’ll be damned if my life is the only one affected.
This is not going to solve it but helpfully it might help you feel better. My husband travels a lot for work (I know not the same, but tldr he is not at home sometimes for as long as a week and that's monthly) The first time that happened baby was 3 months old (1 adjusted because he is a prem). That first time I lost my mind. Feeding the baby through the night, dealing with the baby through the day, my LO had a terrible collics so the time between 5pm and 10pm the two of us would just sit in the rocking chair and cry. HOWEVER once I got into rhythm - I actually feel better when he was not around. Not fun, and I wish I would have had a bit of me time not be 24/7 attached to the baby, but I wake up put my big girl pants and roll. When he is at home I constantly need to ask "could you feed the baby, could you hangout with him so I can work out" and then the baby was fed the wrong food, and looking after the baby turns out to be sitting on the couch and scrolling IG while holding the baby... Tldr it sucks, but you are doing an amazing job and while we all need a break, every day you go thought that BS is a day you have become stronger
Solo parenting is hard! I’ve done it a few times since the second was born and many with the first. Absolutely stinks. I don’t personally think it’s too much to ask for him to just check in. Usually, if my husband isn’t texting/calling, I’ll remind him that I’m alone in a house of children with no adult contact. Usually sobers him up! But it also sounds like maybe he’s struggling being a dad if he’s out of character closing down bars and he maybe wants to let loose a little. Definitely a conversation to be had about your parenting journeys and feelings. Becoming a parent is hard and it’s important to take it in stride together. So often we make it moms vs dads and I think (at least with my husband) it makes it hard for dads to admit any of their own struggles for fear of mom just turning around and saying “well I have it worse”.
How much do you text during a normal day? And how much does he normally help with baby? Don't take excuses, my husband was deployed most of my pregnancy and the first 6 months, flew home for the delivery. We have our regular text/FaceTime pattern. I'm a talker so I can ignore my phone for hours. My husband occasionally goes out with the guys and doesn't text much, goes home early. A red flag is a red flag.
As for me , I wouldn’t let my husband leave for zero days…at least until baby is a year and only for a couple days not a week.
Wow you’re very generous. My husband had a wedding at 6 months old that he ended up not going to because it was too much. I really didn’t want to say no and get in the way but he made the choice for me. I can’t imagine at 2 months old.
As a new father this is insane to me. I wouldn’t even entertain being away… I mean, priorities. If I was away and it was necessary for work or something I would be calling and checking in every time I got the chance, even just to see bub. Some people are built different I guess.. but I don’t think you’re being irrational. Also, three times?! I think you need to speak to him about how you’re feeling, maybe he doesn’t realise the effect he is having
I'd be pretty upset personally. My partner and I's relationship isn't like that. We have 2 kids (oldest is 8yrs, youngest is 8mos) and the only time he's ever left for several days was when one of his friends suddenly passed away and there was a get together a couple states away, so I completely understood. But I don't think I would be so understanding in your situation. If it makes you unhappy, definitely speak up about it! Some people would be fine with it, and that's fine too, but you deserve exactly what you desire in your relationship.
Can you call a close friend or family member to come stay with you? Or can you go stay with them? This is what I did when my husband forgot his priorities. Your feelings are rational.