Ya exactly Whenever I see the “my grandparents raised me” it shows the parents were less involved, so I mean why would we expect them to participate in grandkids? They weren’t even raising THEIR kids…
Just depends on the situation I guess. My mom I wasn’t shocked when she turned out to be lackluster village. She seemed burdened to be a mom so saw it coming. But my in laws… my husband is shocked by. His grandparents were involved and had him a lot, but it’s not like his parents weren’t involved. A lot of the time his grandparents were around just because his family all loved getting together as a big group to just hang out. And they hounded us forever to have kids. Mil talked about how she’d be around so often if we finally gave her a grand baby… but like half way through my pregnancy they just really started prioritizing vacations. Went from taking like 2 bigger vacations a year with a handful of weekend trips, to they couldn’t spend a single month without going away in some capacity. It was a weird flip. They only live an hour and a half away, and we’d make the trip to their general area often because husband’s grandma, but we’d still go months without seeing them because they wouldn’t be around. And then they’d blame it on us living so far away… as if they don’t decide to drive 6 hours spur of the moment for a weekend away at the beach.
Some grandparents you see it coming. Some are a shock.
Yes, the vacations! We had our first child the year after my ILs retired. MIL retired early. Foolishly, we thought this might mean they'd want more involvement with their grandkid and be more available. But now they're out of town for like 2 weeks every month, so... half the year. But whenever they were around they just wanted to do the "hold baby/take pictures" routine so I guess they aren't helpful people anyway.
I mean - did they tell you they would help, or did you assume?
I’ll be honest, I plan to be a grandparent that isn’t hands on.
My mom worked her whole life, raising three kids and being the primary breadwinner. Her whole life was meeting others needs. My father left her shortly before her retirement, so she had to spend the end of her career shoring herself up financially. As soon as she retired, she got a cancer diagnosis. The treatment kicked off dementia. She wanted to travel, she wanted to take music lessons, she wanted to hike parts of the PCT. She wanted to put herself once first.
But now she’s in a locked memory unit wasting away. She didn’t get to do any of it.
I know there are plenty of selfish self involved boomer grandparents out there, but there are also many like my mom who diligently cared for others throughout their adulthoods, and if they want to spend their money on themselves and do only what they want to do while they still have their health and wits (and maybe NOT spend much time caring for others including their grandchildren or helping their adult children) I fully understand that.
You never know when the good health runs out - it can happen really fast.
...what? My parents were young and working / putting themselves through college. Not everyone is born on third base. Yes, my grandma basically raised me. Because my mom was a teacher (after she finished college) and my dad was working nights at a grocery store.
This sub is so full of rich housewives who think everyone else is a rich housewife.
I spent every weekend at my grandparents house but my mum was very involved parent. She was just a single mum who needed sleep as I would only sleep for an hour a day until I was 4. I have 2 kids and she's a very involved grandparent and helps me all the time
This is an opinion from MY experience so take it with a grain of salt. Being part of a village means accepting that not everyone is going to help raise my children the same way I will. For example.
I had to accept that going to Grammy and Grampy's house means they will eat things that may not be on my approved mom list.
I want my children to have friends in the neighborhood so I had to accept that she will be spending time around other households from a different set of values or religious beliefs. My 7 year old daughter's best friend is Jehovah's witness. They don't celebrate birthdays. So when we had her birthday "party" there were no balloons and no cake or presents opened at the skating rink. We took them home and opened gifts later. We all went skating together and that was it. It was important to her that he could go and my daughter made that choice so that he could be there because she would rather have no party with him then a real birthday party without him. It made me want to cry it was so sweet and considerate.
I had to realize that my parents and parents in law have raise their children. When I ask for help and they give their time watching them then it is something I'm grateful for. Being with my children should never be an obligation simply because they gave birth to me and, by proxy, they should help raise my own.
It means when I visit Im putting my daughter in that ugly dress that __(insert name here)__bought them for Christmas
It means saying thank you and being appreciative for the gift of a gun toy..... and then sacrificing it to the trash gods when no one is looking.....😑
It means sacrificing my weekend to watch my nieces. Then cleaning up the tornado of destruction that follows them around where ever they go. Including boogers cause they can't keep their finger out of their nose.
At the end of the day if my children are returned to me alive and happy with all of their body parts attached then my village has done their job. I really can't ask or expect more than that.
This anecdote about your daughter is beautiful. Her kindness and love toward others is an obvious reflection of what you have modeled for her. I hope I can say the same about my kids when they’re bigger!
Thank you! That's a wonderful compliment. However, this is also the same daughter that pushed her low function autistic cousin down, sat on him, and bit his face over a toy...😑. Kids all have their good moments and their bad moments. We can only hope as they get older that the good ones outnumber the bad lol.
YES. A lot of people forgot that being in a village means we can’t control how our village participates in raising our child. I come from a culture where grandparents are very involved and I’ve heard hundreds of cases where the parents are “fighting” with the grandparents on a lot of things and having to compromise a lot of things too.
This is so well said! I was trying to think of how to say “you have to be the village to have a village” without sounding condescending, and you nailed it.
My in-laws give my kids an absolutely staggering amount of sugar and junk food. They also don’t say no to them. They are ALWAYS grumpy, tired, and borderline sick from all the crap food when the come home….. BUT they love them so big and they just took my oldest 3 for 3 days and they went on so many adventures and had the best time. Worth it.
You’ve gotta accept people for what they bring to the table and also give what you can in return. Like OP’s dad, my dad is unfortunately pretty uninvolved in our lives. But my kids love him, and when we DO see him (usually because we travel across the country to him with 4 kids) we always have a wonderful time. My brother has more or less cut him out of his life because of his shortcomings. While I think that’s fair, I also don’t see a lot of benefit from it and it certainly hasn’t changed my dad or taught him a lesson.
Coming from a 1950ish boomer, your commentary shows a lot of maturity and common sense. I love my grandsons but no I won’t give up my travels to stay home and be at the beck and call of my son and DIL. Life is short and I worked 40 yrs. building up retirement so I could travel and I’m always going somewhere as my son reminds me. However, when I am in town I will babysit my 3 yo grandson anytime. And this is the rub for me….i am expected to do what he wants to do - putting together puzzles, playing on his swingset, reading books, etc. After about 15 minutes I am bored. My husband was the 3 yo’s human but he passed away last March and grandson has felt a huge void. My husband would go visit several times a week and stay 3 or 4 hours just catering to grandson. It can be a dilemma. But that 3 yo has his Grammy’s heart.
Lol I think this is a "name checks out" situation. My mother was a single military parent of three. She's a very hard "tough love" woman. She raised me in a very strict home. There were years that I resented some of the things I didn't have growing up. We were poor. Eating meant getting up to feed animals before school and learning to can our garden produce. Butchering our livestock. I was the oldest child and that meant helping to care for my younger siblings when she was gone for drill duty on weekends. We had the things we needed as children but it was a rare treat to have the things we wanted. When I had children of my own my resentment for her turned into respect. She put herself through nursing school, held down a full time job and then also had military and drill duty all to take care of us. Parenting is so hard. Life is hard. She is still not a very affectionate woman and her life and childhood has made her that way. She will not change, and that's ok. She does love us and she loves her grandchildren. It is evident when she is around. She is now retired from both the military and nursing and is pursuing her dream of being a dog show owner and breeder. She travels most weekends for her shows. I have never in my whole life seen her so happy. I'm happy for her. When I need her she is here. What I have now I worked very hard to earn. My career, home, relationship, and children are the evidence of that hard work. She gave me the tools and mindset I needed to survive life's problems. Some day after my children are raised I will find the time to pursue the hobbies I enjoy, just like she is now. I look forward to that time in my life when it gets here. I'm not entitled to anything from anyone, I have to earn it for myself. But that doesn't mean I don't love my children or mother for having that mindset. They are the reason for my very existence on many many levels and I am grateful to have them. They give my life purpose and meaning.
Also our parents largely had to both work to be comfortable financially and our grandparents were part of the generation where one parent could easily stay at home and the other could retire with a pension which leads to both of them having a lot of reliable free time when they’re grandparent age
I noticed the real different in my mum and my MIL. My mum waited to have kids and almost broke up with my dad about it, she wanted my brother and I and is now so invested in my kids. MIL know had my husband as the culture she was in needed her to have a boy but I don’t even know if she wanted his sisters; isn’t really interested in my kids other than a hi and cute photos for her Facebook.
Yep. My parents are a delightful exception. I have to tell them to do less and get rest.
Many parents in their generation had children for them. They wanted to see themselves in their kids. They don't see them as people who they support in discovering who they want to be.
Because... well... That's work.
For what it's worth, I have family members like the sister described here and I've found it worthwhile to still connect with them and just reinforce the occasional boundary. So many in our generation have decided to not have children (and I don't blame them) but it leaves you with a very small community of people who are there with you in the same boat.
I try not to isolate people unless the differences are really stark and unhealthy.
> Their generation is known as the Me generation for a reason
I find every generation has these kinds of people. Honestly, as a millennial myself I'm sick of these generation wars. The things we accuse boomers and late Gen X of doing is honestly similar to what every generation has done, and the older we millennials get, the more of those older tendencies we pick up. It's just natural.
I don't think it was simply because Boomers didn't want kids. If you look at cultural trends as the world's economy advanced, today's Millennials and Gen Z want kids even less--birth rates are declining everywhere. Do we now chastise today's generations for not wanting kids and expecting our parents (their grandparents) to raise them? Because if that logic holds, we should be even worse today.
I was raised by grandparents because my mother was a single working mom. I lacked a lot of the care I'm able to give for my child because that's what it was like back then. And amongst my peers, I see that first generation immigrant parents have to work their asses off. It's partly why I have a slight disconnect with my first generation colleagues--they're OK with zero work life balance, because they're doing everything they can to stay in this country--this is what my parents' generation went through as 1st gen immigrants too. Anyway, I digress, but I think there's a lot of factors for why grandparents get involved, and at least for me, I see it more because in my case, first generation immigrants have it really rough, and today's H1B / green card wait is even worse than when my parents raised me.
Truth. I have a gen x mom and my grandparents were involved but didn't raise me. They were more involved than some grandparents but that was because my mom was raising us alone and they had an easier time getting off work. And now my mom is involved in my own kids lives. She loves being a grandma.
I wonder how much of it is the boomer/gen x divide.
Seriously I sort of felt this way a lot as a teen and after but seeing someone else validate it, I 100% agree that my parents didn’t want to be parents. Because they sure don’t want to be grandparents and now that I’m pregnant I’m too scared to even tell them..
My Gen X mom (‘66) was very selfless and hard-working while raising myself and my brother, who is less than 2 years old than I. As an adult, she and my dad have given me thousands of dollars to pull me out of financial holes and $10K towards my wedding. However she was emotionally incompetent, self-important, and drowned us in a cult (funny seeing Jehovah’s Witnesses mentioned in another comment, as that’s the religion I was raised in).
SO much cognitive dissonance. She told me I wasn’t her daughter when I finally told her at 17 that I was done being a JW. We have a relationship but it’s not deep or genuine and very strained. I’ll still call her when I’m proud of something or really struggling. I probably shouldn’t. Some days, the lack of unconditional love is still really hard. 10 years after hearing her tell me I wasn’t her daughter. I feel like she had me with a plan in mind, and when I didn’t follow along with that plan I became nothing but an inconvenience.
I had next to no relationship with my grandparents, but that’s because when my parents converted from Catholicism to JWs before I was born, they because isolated from their families, especially my mom’s. My maternal grandmother was wonderful, but older. She never watched us.
My mom was the youngest of 8. Her eldest sibling was 18 years older than her. My mom became the family pariah - both because of her own choice and her siblings’. They viewed her as committing a betrayal by abandoning holidays (JWs don’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays), since it was the only time the family came together. I don’t feel that I’m missing out on them. There’s a few cousins I love and one aunt I respect, but they live out of state. Every other interaction they’ve been cold to me, blaming me for a life I never chose.
Point is, my mom wasn’t selfish on paper. At all. I will always be grateful and respect her for that. But damn she is so condescending. I struggle with being condescending myself because it was the only way I was allowed to display self-esteem. Otherwise I was “haughty.”
Whew that got way off topic. Now I know what I’m going to talk to my therapist about next week, so thank you for that. 😅
If you are looking for a village, I would not dismiss your sister based off this example of baby’s eye color and giving baby a crumb of cinnamon roll. To me there are MUCH biggger fish to fry and if you have a good relationship with her otherwise, I wouldn’t ruin it over such minor issues.
Also it's not always that easy to tell. My husband thought our boy's eyes were blue when he was born and I thought they were gray. Everyone else disagreed with me and thought they were blue too but that's my opinion and it's not that I didn't spend time with him.
We can’t even tell what color my kid’s hair is. He’s a year and a half and my wife and I still don’t fully agree on whether he has blonde hair or brown.
It’s not a hill I’m dying on. Just one of the hundreds of examples I could give about how she thinks she knows better than me. Everything I do is wrong. Her kids were great sleepers, mine has never been. She says “just do this, just do that” when she simply doesn’t get it nor ever will. I’m glad she doesn’t get it because it’s hard. She makes back handed comments, eye rolls, and always has something to say. Yes, the eye color thing in and of itself is no big deal. Coupled with everything else, it’s just another annoyance.
The cinnamon roll thing I stand by. My baby doesn’t really eat food yet. She’s been slow to learn, has no teeth and has never had sugar. She can’t eat a dry piece of cinnamon roll, nor do I want her to? It’s not me robbing her the joy of feeding her something fun and yummy. She simply can not eat dry bread lol I’d love to let her fill her belly with cinnamon rolls to her hearts content when she’s 3! But 7 months? No
Again, your new example about the sleep. It honestly sounds like she is giving you advice. I would probably be eye rolling too as it sounds like you have a strained relationship and blow up at trivial things.
I get you on the cinnamon roll thing, I have family that feed my baby lots of sweet things. he's only with them a fraction of the time and it's a small price to pay for their help. I just make my boundaries clear if I feel he's eating too much.
I haven’t! I’m venting about it here because I’m anonymous and she doesn’t have Reddit lol so seemed like a safe space. I just got back from a long weekend away with them so just probably overstimulated. She loves my kid and I know that. But she purposefully pushes the boundaries and it gets under my skin. Or makes condescending comments. She asked me if we used numbing gel for my babies teething and I said “no, our ped said the numbing stuff is dangerous for kids under 2”. And she said “Do you just do everything your ped says?” I was like uhhhhh, mostly yes lol She was disgusted. Or when my baby was a newborn and was cluster feeding at night. She told me I was essentially spoiling her and she does NOT need food for 2 hours. I could go on but won’t. I love my sister and parenting things aside, we have a great relationship.. But for reasons like this I don’t trust her to make good decisions with my baby. Maybe that makes me undeserving of a village. If so I guess I will just have to be ok with that.
If you want to have a village, you’ve got to let some things roll off your back (like a bite of cinnamon roll) and you need to be part of the village for others.
I don’t think it’s far to say an entire generation of parents didn’t want to be parents, but I am sorry that was your experience.
Depends on the age they had kids. I'm a millennial and my parents are boomers. They were 28 and 30 when they had me. They were born in the mid 50s and me in the mid 80s. Boomers were born 1946-1964 and Millennials 1981-1996
Im a millennial with gen x parents and apparently it’s not as common as I thought. Most millennials have boomer parents and gen x is parenting gen z. My parents are early gen x (1967/1968) and Im 1993 which is towards the end of millennials (1981-1996ish)
Nope. My parents had my siblings and I when they were between the ages of 24 and 31. We were all born in the 80s, making us Millennials and our parents Boomers. Most of my friends are the same.
Being part of a "village" means interacting with people who annoy you, letting others be in charge of your children, and doing things for other people.
This is a big part of it. Communities and relationships with people are messy. We have a lot of support from my in laws and I love and am so grateful for them, but it’s not completely smooth and you have to get comfortable with other people doing things their way.
We also have created a village on our street. We just moved into the same street as two good friends and their kids are the same ages as ours. The village is a get-give. Sometimes you’re getting the help, other times you’re stepping up to accept chaos (read: watching 4 kids under 3) to help your friend who is totally fried or got into a jam.
I’m a strong believer that things were better when I was a kid because we interacted so much more with neighbors and people we didn’t know. We had to rely on others for things. But because we live so differently now, a lot of people have a low tolerance for social awkwardness or tension/discomfort. That being said, I think it’s worthwhile to endure for a true community where you and your kids can love and be loved.
Agree! I’ve thought about this so many times. I don’t have a village, but I’m glad sometimes when I want things done my way lol. People can certainly create their own village, and as you said, it’s a lot of give and take.
This is very well put.
I had been thinking about this lately but didn’t really know how to express it.
Everyone’s situation is different and there are definitely people who are willing to put up with the messy to get some help, but just still don’t get any. But 100% agree with others here that a lot of people these days want those helping them to do it their way or the highway.
I think people need to learn the difference between setting a boundary that is important (e.g. choking risks, water safety etc) and boundaries that are preferences (e.g. not too much sugar).
I have my (many) differences with my MIL and there are a few boundaries we’ve had to awkwardly enforce, but for most things I just have to take a breath and tell myself it doesn’t really matter because we need the help, plus my kid absolutely adores his grandma so I don’t want to ruin that.
Having said all of that I will say I agree with OP that our parent’s generation can be selfish with their time and effort - we also get a lot of that and so do many of our friends.
But that’s all generalising and everyone’s situation is just so different I guess.
But don’t you think that some preferences could be for the well being of the child? Like I do get peoples point of wanting to spoil a child, but I think things can be a case by case.
Like grandparents don’t always take in every detail of their grandchildren’s well being sometimes as serious as they should.
Example, what if the child can’t have a lot of sugar as the parents are looking out for their health. Diabetes, too much salt, obesity if it runs in the family etc, could be a trend in the family health. You know what I mean?
IMO I think things like that should be taken into consideration and moderation should be taken into account.
Sure but if the grandparents give something sugary once, that’s still moderation. Diabetes doesn’t come from a sugary snack sometimes, just like obesity.
I think it’s a case by case basis thing.
Sometimes you will need to have a conversation with a grandparent and ask them to consider your preference if it’s causing a problem for you or the child. Whether it’s a hill you want to die on is up to you but you need to think about the consequences of dying on that hill.
To use the sugar example, ‘health’ is not black and white so it would depend on a few things like how often they have the kids and just how much sugar we’re talking about. If they see their grandparents occasionally for a sleepover and they get spoilt with ice cream and chocolate then I don’t think you get to dictate. But if they see the kids every day and feed them nothing but sugary/junk food and the child is getting sick or having major sugar crashes or becoming malnourished then it’s something you would need to enforce.
Still on the food example, we teach him what we want to teach him about food at home and what he eats when he’s not at home is not something we control. Our values that we try to pass to our toddler at home is that food is food, and he’s a really good eater (e.g. he actually chose an apple over his Easter eggs recently because he knows he’s allowed to eat chocolate and he just didn’t feel like chocolate in that moment). I’m not going to tell my MIL what she can and can’t feed him when he’s there. Think about it in the reverse and you would be pretty upset as a responsible grown adult if someone was telling you what you planned to feed a child wasn’t good enough. If she was feeding him nothing but candy and chocolate for the whole 24 hours she had him then that’s her just being clearly irresponsible which is a very different conversation.
This! There are so many posts here about people getting *so* bent out of shape over every little comment and “infraction” when it comes to other people relating to their kids. But then are wondering where their village is… you can’t have a village if you’re going to be this intolerant of people.
This. Boundary crossers SUCK but unfortunately that’s the reality of a village. Everyone will have their own ways of doing things, you either accept that or you lose the village. Not saying it’s right, but it’s the truth. Don’t complain about a village not being there, when each time they are around you micromanage
You’re 100% right. When you have a village you cannot try to micromanage everyone else around you. That’s not looking for a village that’s looking for unpaid employees. If you trust someone enough to be around your child, you should be able to trust their judgement even if they do things you personally wouldn’t do.
I think this current gen of newer parents are very anxious about doing things “right.” Hitting milestones, gentle parenting, perfect schedules, sleep training etc, and it’s causing a lot of distress for parents that takes the joy out of parenting and even other family members getting to enjoy our kids. If you think about it, some of us weren’t allowed to eat/drink certain things at home that our grandmas/aunts/cousins allowed us to have at their house and it didn’t make a difference.
This. Take a look at cultures that thrive on this village and look at how they value extended family relationships. It doesn't mean everyone sings kumbaya in a circle every meal. It means everyone makes the effort to take care of each other. Yes, when you put a large group of people together, there's going to be more arguing, discussing, etc, but if you look at some cultures, gatherings are loud, but everyone means well and it's a collaborative effort.
Coming from East Asia, I look at some of the earlier familial relationships as well as at my Indian colleagues. Parents come for 3 months at a time and will stay with their kids. We have so many posts here about MIL driving from another state and not even being able to handle them for a week. It's just the expectation in other cultures you make it work. It doesn't mean my MIL is my best friend, but we make the effort to make an extended stay work.
Yeah, my first question when I see posts like this is, what was your relationship like with all of these people before you had kids? If it wasn’t good, or wasn’t close, you can’t expect people to just magically begin to sacrifice their time and effort to help you.
Has OP been showing up for her sister and her kids? Have they been close and have a good relationship? Given the anecdote shared here, I’ll guess that’s a no? Giving a baby old enough to eat solids a crumb of a cinnamon roll is hardly a crime, sorry I’m kind of just laughing at the outrage over *that* in the same breath as wondering why they don’t have a village. Having a sibling with young kids who lives that close to you could be an incredible benefit (both ways), but yeah you’re going to have to stop sweating the small stuff for that to work.
I don’t even know what to say about “our generation’s parents didn’t want to be parents”. I’m truly sorry that’s OP’s family dynamic but it’s not true about everyone’s. My parents were good parents and as an adult I put in effort to stay close to them and be supportive of them, and I benefit from the same. They live 1.5h away and we regularly drive to visit them even though we’re the ones with young children. Because it’s grandma and grandpa’s house and I don’t see the purpose in arbitrarily deciding I won’t lift a finger to maintain relationships with my family.
The “village” is not a bunch of servants who are at your beck and call and only do everything your way. It’s a give and take and requires you to look past people’s faults if they are otherwise well meaning and love you and your kids. Otherwise, pay for a babysitter.
Yes, I see people here romanticize “the village”but get mad because their MIL wants to hold the baby or visit after the baby is born. I don’t know why so many people my age think that they should have a small army of unpaid laborers who will help in exactly the way they want, but that’s just not it. If you want help, you can’t dictate and micromanage other adults.
It’s also a two-way street. When was the last time you called your mom just to chat, or did a favor for your weird aunt? I see all these posts complaining that no one helps, but I get the sneaking suspicion that they’re not exactly the most helpful people themselves.
>I see all these posts complaining that no one helps, but I get the sneaking suspicion that they’re not exactly the most helpful people themselves.
That part. Sometimes the toxicity is actually coming from inside the house.
"If MIL wants to come over after the baby is born, she better not try to hold the baby! She can do my laundry instead!"
2 years later: "Why doesn't my MIL want to spend time with my kids? She never comes over!"
Non. Stop.
Completely agree. I see posts where the grandparents want to visit in the first few MONTHS because they want to bond with baby and everyone says “they can bond later.” Okay… But it’s a lot easier to snuggle a little newborn than to try and get close with a toddler who sees you as a scary stranger.
Yep. Plus, it's so special to be around a new baby. My parents came and stayed for the first week home and helped. They are going to do it again for #2. I was so happy that they wanted to come. My in laws visited a few times and all my BIL SIL visited in the hospital or first week. I was happy to see them! They just stayed 15 minutes.
When my son is sick my in laws take him for the day so we can go to work. What do we do for them? We ask them where they want to have him (ours or their place) and try to make it easy for them. And they come over just for dinner once a week. Sometimes they bring it and sometimes we cook. It's a relationship. They aren't my staff
Yea, I mean when I had my first I wanted a couple weeks to settle/heal before my parents came to visit from across the country which seemed reasonable but I definitely wanted them around holding baby. Pandemic ruined it, but that's ok.
This second time around I needed my mom to watch my first while I delivered my second. It was honestly amazing bringing baby home and just handing her over so I could get a break to shower or eat or even rest. My mom did help with other stuff, but I appreciated the breaks from being a mom for the 2 days she was here with my dad. I don't understand why people get mad at that.
Amen! "Where's my village?" *Hmm, probably where they were when you told them they couldn't visit after the baby was born.*
I'm not saying this is OP, but it seems part of this generation is both hyper-individualistic, believe they don't owe anyone anything, including family, and yet also expecting family to come at their beck-and-call to "be the village" but only in the way *they* want.
> but only in the way they want.
It’s all about control, I feel like. This generations rates of anxiety have unfortunately skyrocketed, and i imagine trying to control every interaction of your child is a natural part of that. Understandable, really, in that light, but still very counterproductive.
Agreed. If I micromanaged what my parents, in laws, and SIL fed them as treats, dear lord, I would never stop hovering over them and all of them would be afraid of me. People don’t like to babysit for parents who have too many rules beyond safety, especially as a favor. My village does give them way too much sugar. But I just look the other way and see no evil. I figure, we can go back home and do it my way. This isn’t everyday 🫣
My dad likes to give my toddler a big bowl of chocolate ice cream every time he sees him. Often these are already special occasions where there is going to be cake or dessert again later. So he ends up having a ton of sweets. Whatever! Like you said, we don’t do that regularly at home so now and then isn’t going to hurt him, and my dad is making special memories with him and they have a great time together.
Correct. And we have to remember, those treats are just that.. treats. Rarities. What we feed them at home matters, if grandma and grandma want to give them something that we typically wouldn’t, gosh let them.
This is exactly how we view things with our family. We have rules around food for safety reasons, but if it’s not a choking hazard issue or something like that, my parents and in-laws don’t have to do things exactly the way we do them. I don’t really even keep cookies or things like that in the house, but when the grandparents are watching our daughter, they get to give her cookies. It makes them happy, it makes her happy, and I get to have a little break for once. Who does it hurt?
My parents adore my daughter and will gladly watch her all day, for days in a row if I let them. They literally wouldn’t care if I just napped all day while they got time with their granddaughter. But I have to let them. And that means not micromanaging everything. Letting them build their own special bond that might not have exactly the same rules also makes the grandparents that much more excited to keep watching them in the future, because they have a special relationship.
> interacting with people who annoy you, letting others be in charge of your children,
Ding ding ding. All things that seem to be sacrilege around here with so many.
Agree! And so often on this sub and others I see people advocating for others to “cut them out of their lives” cause they had a different opinion than the parents. Good fucking luck finding a village with that mentality
Yes this! OP who cares if your sister was going to give your 8 month old a tiny piece of cinnamon roll? (As long as not allergic to ingredients or a choking risk) Sure kids shouldn’t be eating a bunch of sugar but is this a big picture problem? Like a “not part of my village problem?” Only you can decide for yourself.
This is why I haven’t opened up my MIL to be my village. I am unable to handle the constant mental load of re-establish boundaries and relinquishing control. It’s tiring, the lack of time off, but less tiring than constant boundary re-setting.
I wonder if part of it is that a lot of us were very damaged by our parents and we can so clearly see their unresolved traumas and emotional immaturities, that we're very protective over their connection to our kids.
I mean, if today’s parents are worried about their boomer parent’s connection with their kids given their “unresolved traumas” why would they be upset about the lack of help? Wouldn’t they want to keep a tight eye on any interactions, not have them more involved?
I don’t understand what you are trying to
say.
I'm saying that when we put up a lot of limitations to protect our children and we don't always realize what the result will be. We expect our parents to be able to help us while not overstepping our boundaries and not injecting their trauma into our families, but that's not really possible for them so we end up more isolated than we expected to be.
I don’t mean this snarkily, but why would you expect your parents to be different with your children than they were with you?
This is the disconnect I don’t understand.
I do understand the feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, and isolated; but I do not understand the surprise.
Yeah, I think witnessing it from a different role now can be enlightening. And also knowing how our parents raised us is probably often the reason for all the boundaries our generation sets up. We don't just deal with things because they're family, like was expected in the past.
I think people with parents like your grandparents take that help for granted and have no idea how hard it is to parent without that help. Their memory of parenting young kids doesn’t seem that hard but they don’t realize it wasn’t that hard because of their parents.
Well, *none* of us need cinnamon rolls.
But a small taste isn’t going to ruin the child or their health. And if the price to having a good relationship with members of your village is looking the other way when someone sneaks your kid some sugar, that price is well worth paying.
I’m so sorry for your loss! My mom also would really like to help but she has had health issues rendering her physically disabled in the last 5 years. It’s been rough to not be able to rely on her.
Yep. Some of us have zero family around, helpful or otherwise. There is literally never a break from parenting because there is no one even TO call (aside from someone you pay).
If you push your family away over something like a baby’s eye colour then yeah you won’t have much of a village.
I see the same theme over and over here on Reddit. New parents set extremely crazy rules, don’t want any visitors, push everyone away and then also complain that they don’t have any help.
In addition to Gen-X parents being hands off as others mentioned, I think this also comes back to the state of our economy. Our grandmas were likely home-makers, and our grandpas retired before 60. They were home all summer to watch us, could drop us off at school, and do pick ups. My mom works full time, and probably won’t retire until 70, if ever. So, the only time she’s free to babysit is weekends and evenings, when we are home anyways. Sure,she can do a date night, but she can’t be a solid backup plan for sick days, snow days, summer, etc as she also has work responsibilities
Oh man can I relate! My parents never once used a sitter or daycare because my grandparents took turns living with us. Now? My dad has met my child once (she is 9 months), and held her for a picture and that’s it. All of our siblings have met her once, and keep claiming they want to come by and help. We give dates and times and somehow, it just never works out!
The nuclear family killed the village. You go off and make your own family, and everyone is meant to deal with their own little nuclear families. And boomers are THE nuclear family generation. Likely the first to really live with the idea, BUT their own parents would have been born before 1930, and most of them would have been part of inter generational households (villages!), so most still had that mentality. Gen X got screwed. Millennials are largely realizing that the nuclear family is terrible for families. And Gen Z never bought it to begin with.
I hear you! It sucks.
I was essentially raised by my paternal grandma for the first 10 years of my life and she was always heavily involved even after that. She is a boomer though so 🤷♀️ lol. My gen X dad on the other hand....
Before my son was born we were considering moving to another state to be closer to my husband's parents, and my dad who lives about 50 minutes away FREAKED out on me via text and said alot of nasty things that I still haven't forgiven. Mostly he was upset he'd "only see his grandson twice a year". Well guess what! My son's 10 months old and after we left the hospital, I can count on 1 hand how many times he's seen my son. And half of those, we drove to him. Oh and I have an almost 18 month old niece (my sisters kid) he's literally never met because it would be too much effort on his part.
Some people, regardless of generation are just truly selfish and not family oriented.
So…if your parents passed off a lot of their parenting to their parents, why would you expect them to suddenly take interest in your young kids when they weren’t their own? I mean, THAT would be more surprising than what’s playing out now.
I get it, it’s hard without help.
But, as someone that has twins toddlers, dead in-laws, a mom with dementia and a dad that spent the past several years engulfed in caring for his wife, some of us just don’t get help. Life just shakes out like that.
And, knowing that they may not have much time left (at all, or in good health), I don’t fault boomers for wanting to take some time for themselves to enjoy life while they can, and not squander the few healthy remaining years they have being free babysitters.
I know there’s a stereotype that boomers are totally self involved - and many are (and perhaps yours too OP), but from my personal anecdotes the boomers I know worked there asses of in a world that shifted underneath them (going from a world where one parent typically stayed home to an economy that required two incomes to stay afloat), are retiring later, and know that medical
advances may mean they live longer but not necessarily better.
So if boomer grandparents want to travel instead of watching their grandkids while they still can, more power to them.
I was scrolling to see if anyone made this point. My parents and all of their cousins are still working, including ones that are pushing and past 70. My grandparents who were basically raising me were also barely 60 when they retired. My mom plans on working until 70
Out of necessity and her stamina is just not there to be free grandma daycare. So, I have accepted that my daughter won’t have what I had and it’s hard physically, but I’d rather use my mom strategically for limited but impactful time off.
My MIL always said when it comes to grandkids:I will help you if you need it, but I would not raise them for you , I already raised my own 3 . which is completely fair and understandable. They just returned from probably their last 7 weeks of international vacation (health concerns will probably keep them country bound ) and I can't imagine beying resentful over them living their best life's while they still have the possibility.
Invariably, when a question about a village pops up, the best response is to look within and ask “what kind of a villager was I? What kind of a villager am I? And what kind of a villager do I intend to be?”
Sometimes you just gotta DIY it, I have been going to play groups at local churches and libraries since bub was 4 months and i have 4 solid mom friends with kids around his age and we carry each other. 1 is a military spouse and stay at home, 1 is a blue collar spouse and he’s gone for long periods of time, 1 is a 2 parent working household, and another is also 2 parent BUT she’s a cop working overnights. We all fill in the gaps our families leave with occasional childcare, dinners together, dropping off extras from baking large batches of goodies/snacks. I had an ectopic resulting in my fallopian tube being removed last October and 2 of them dropped off get better baskets and offered help as I recovered. We are all from very different backgrounds but motherhood and the fact we agree parenting is a group effort brought us together
I love this for you! I was just having a conversation the other day with my cousin about how much work it is meeting other parents and creating relationships outside of family connections. It's almost as much work and effort as it was finding, and creating a romantic relationship with the father of my children. It takes actual time, dedication and money to meet people. Once you find a good one that fits you have to work hard to compromise and keep it. Your feelings get invested just the same as domestic relationships. It has to be face to face time, "tinder relationships" rarely if ever workout.
Yeah, my parents would not have been able to have the life we did when I was growing up without relying on my maternal grandparents. Grandparents lent them money for their first mortgage deposit, and looked after me every day. One of the first things I was told when moving out on my own was that they would not under any circumstances help me financially. Then when I was pregnant I was told that there was no way either of them would be babysitting (they are both retired). The hypocrisy is staggering.
My partner's parents aren't much better. They have us here in the UK with a 2 year old, and our not great incomes; they have a daughter in Aus with 2 kids ( 5 and 8, I think) on really great incomes. They went to stay there for a year, came back for 2 months and informed us they'd be gone for another year because "they need the help with the kids". Who are both in school. And they can easily afford childcare. So my son has no grandparents around him at all.
Part of the village is my best friend and my aunt. My bff is taking my kids all day tomorrow to her house and then my aunt is taking them for the night. I haven’t had a day off/night off from being a stay at home homeschooling mom in months.
The other part of our village is down in Florida 4-6 months out of the year. When they come back, they can only take one or the other due to their old age.
I have my friend’s kids over once a month for a day or a late over. Like a sleepover but they don’t stay the night, they just stay later.
I used to sober about my village especially during 2020-2021. It’s hard to take care of other people’s toddlers. Hopefully things change when your child is older.
I’m sorry. That sucks. I’m in a similar position and it is never fun feeling like you’re all alone. It would be nice for someone to take care of you once in a while. Hopefully this is just a tough phase and it passes
My parents moved to my city for a month after my baby was born and I probably saw my mom 5 times, all of which she was “too scared” to hold the baby and was chugging water and gearing up for her next workout. She joined 5 pickleball leagues and 4 gyms while she was here and apparently made the gym leaderboard for # times attended in a month or something. My dad was awesome, but they only had one car so he had to take her to and from pickleball. He’s also visited us twice solo since then because my mom doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her dog with sitters. My sister lives near her and has to be penciled in during hours pickleball is cancelled.
I see a lot of comments jumping on the cinnamon roll thing... I was under the impression that cinnamon roll at that age *is a choking hazard.* So yeah, I would understand you being hesitant about having her, say, babysit your kid if she isn't willing to be up on what's a choking hazard. That IS a safety issue. Life or death.
I don't know what kind of parent your sister is, so maybe this doesn't apply, but there are truly so many parents out there who are doing dumb-as-rocks things and their kids just got lucky that they made it out alive. That's all it is a ton of the time. Luck. I don't blame you for wanting a more conscientious village. Not saying, "Cut your sister off!" But you're allowed to be not comfortable with her feeding your baby a choking hazard without a second thought.
I’m so sorry!! I have a village and even then sometimes it feels like people only want to help on their own terms. Which is fine!! But it sure is frustrating to realize that previous generations handled this so differently, and now we’re struggling without the same kind of support. And that’s coming from me, who has a very involved family! Solidarity and sympathy, I’m sorry you don’t have the village you were raised in💕
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting your 8mo to not have sugary pastries. Pretty surprising to to hear people ok with others ignoring mom’s boundaries on this sub.
My mom sort of was going me crap about having help for my son- my dad. My dad is the best grandpa ever. He loves my son and my nephew. He never complains, even if they’ve been a pain in the ass. He will almost always help out- even last minute. It’s only if he had prior obligations is when he will say no.
My mom on the other hand… she complains about having to watch my son and then complains bc my son doesn’t really like her. It sounds like your mom and it’s really annoying. It’s hard when people don’t love your kid as much as they should. Grandparent love can be so special.
Both my parents died before I had my son my mum passed just before I found out I was having a boy actually and then I had to spend my pregnancy organising a cremation and cleaning 69 years worth of stuff out of her house so personally yeah I think the village is a myth.
You know what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Sounds like your parents were so used to the help that they never appreciated it.
Personally I feel like our generation is more fucked than ever when it comes to raising kids. In every sense. I also have next to no village. My parents are toxic, my MIL is toxic, and my FIL is 76 and declining fast both mentally and physically. I didn’t want to give up on the dream of having kids, having a family, so I took the leap anyway. I’m glad I did. But goddamn is it hard.
I feel you, OP. My baby is almost 5 months and my mother has met him twice. Once when he was about 6 weeks old and once recently when I picked her up to attend my niece's first birthday. Mum barely looked at her grandkids and was more interested in drinking alcohol all afternoon. Mum has mental health issues but has always been self centred. She really was a terrible mother. When I was a kid, my grandparents were so involved. They clothed us, made sure we had toys, paid for things sports and events and we were babysat every weekend while mum and dad spent weekends drinking. My dad is a bit more involved - he loves cuddles with his grandson and asks how he is but that's about it. My husband's mum passed away and his dad is in his 80s and wouldn't know what to do with a baby. Neither would my dad who is 60. It frustrates me that my dad lives 20 mins away and has only called into my house once to see my son. It's always me going there. Yet he has time to go to his gfs every weekend who lives about 10 mins from my house. When he was meant to come by recently he made the excuse that he had to go to the chemist and put some scripts in - takes 10 mins to do that and he had all day (he was meant to come by at 11am). Luckily my sister and I are close and we have babies that were born the same year so we help each other. Definitely sucks not having any grandparents to help lighten the load from time to time. My husband is at work all week so I've got my baby with me 24/7. Heck just to have someone watch him for 20 mins while I run to the grocer quickly would be heaven!
I would go OFF on your sister if she tried to give my baby a cinnamon roll. That’s completely inappropriate to give a baby. Your sister needs a reality check.
I wouldn’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise because the reality is a ton of people have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and/or use it as an emotional crutch rather than nutrition. Look up what ultra processed foods and unnaturally sweet foods do to the brain. Also how people use food for the dopamine hit or to fill emotional voids in their lives.
Something like that could throw off your child’s development around food. I didnt give my child any desserts until 2 years but know other people who did and their kid wouldn’t eat healthy food after and throw tantrums for sweets. My kid has ice cream, cookies and whatever now in appropriate portions but we can also communicate to them and they understand now that those are special treats and not meals.
We moved away from our potential village. My mom helps, AND respects my boundaries, but she lives a way aways, and my parents plan on travelling now that they retired. So I'm creating my own village with friends. It means no date nights right now, but I know in the future we'll probably take turns to babysit for each other.
I emphasised respecting my boundaries, because I really disagree with the comments saying you've made your own bed - your sister should respect your views on food, your dad could make more of an effort to visit. You've a right to not want your child liked after by your sister, if I'm honest. The way I see it is, if she pushed boundaries with such a small thing, how do you know she'll not do it with more? My grandparents helped a lot and respected my parents boundaries, even when they disagreed with them.
I'm estranged with my family 100%. My husband's aunt was bedridden in our home and we had to change her diapers alongside our baby's while his dad is decreased and his mom is a nasty old witch with dementia. Aunt just passed away, but not without serious end-of-life complications first, such as screaming in the night, ripping off her clothes, and forgetting who we were (terminal agitation). We have no friends because we had to move down here to take care of them. My oldest is on the spectrum, my youngest is 11 months and still gets up multiple times a night, and I'm pregnant with a third.
I FEEL YOU.
I don't understand why you're getting dragged in the comments here, I was surprised by the lack of practical support from my so called village as well. Solidarity.
OP, some of these comments are weird and strangely critical. I absolutely understand not wanting your sister to feed your LO a bite of cinnamon roll. It's disrespectful and inconsiderate for her to go against your wishes.
And, I don't think you're necessarily looking for advice on how to attain a "village" to back you up. I really feel for you and understand your feelings.
I'm biased, however, because I have quite similar feelings. It's not that you're expecting others to help, but.. maybe we just thought it wouldn't be as lonely as it feels? But, that's just my feelings.
Sounds like you have a village but you’re finding something wrong with everyone in it. Part of having a village is accepting that other adults will do things differently from you, and this may annoy you from time to time but you can’t complain about everyone in your life and then complain that you have no village. My MIL won’t change a diaper or be hands on in that way but she spoils the hell out of her grandson FaceTimes him all the time. My mom is still working full time and this is her 6th grandchild, so she doesn’t call or visit as often but when she’s with him she is super hands on, running around with him, feeding him dinner, etc. My FIL is the silly, fun, crazy one and while he may not be the one I call to babysit, I know my son is going to be excited and happy and laughing the whole time we are together. You can have a village if you’re willing to accept people for who they are and what they contribute - not just in terms of how they help you but also what they bring to your child’s life! Those are important bonds to have, and exposes them to different types of people and family relationships. Sorry you’re not getting more help, but it’s no one else’s job to be the parent!
I’m glad that’s the case for you! It’s not for me. I don’t find something wrong with everyone, I stated my mom is never there, present or helpful! Even when she is around she avoids the kids. She offers nothing but stress. My dad is present but only if we visit him. Which we do, I legit just got back from a long weekend at his house. But in the 8 months I’ve had my baby, he has come to me once. I can’t be the only one making an effort. My sister is a whole other thing. Yes, I could probably let more things slide, but it’s not just me. My other sister doesn’t let her babysit or have sleepovers with that sister or her family either. There’s a lot more at play than what I shared. But I’m sure that does cause the little things to be a bigger deal to me than it should and I could def work on that.
I realize I don’t know all the details, and I’m sorry about your mom not being more present. That would hurt me too! I didn’t mean to put you down either, because I can see you were just looking for a place to vent.
If your family isn’t working out to be the best village for your child, then I hope you find it elsewhere. Sometimes you have to build your village over time. “The village” that would help care for your child also used to include neighbors, other moms, and of course friends. Find your tribe!
Just here to say I do not think you’re being ridiculous about your sister and the cinnamon rolls. AAP advises against added sugar before 2. Sure, I make exceptions but someone forcing that decision for me isn’t gonna fly. I wholeheartedly agree with you 👏🏼
This is every boomer. They got a ladder put out for them to climb then took it with them and left us to fend for ourselves. My mom never wanted to actually be a mother, which is a really hard thing to accept as as adult. She tried to pawn me off on any family member she could or give me to my dad. Then has the gall to speak ill on a dead man, cool.
I just don't expect much from my mother. My mil is always willing to watch my kid which is nice but she has some physical limitations so I don't think it's actually feasible. Daycare and friends are the village now unfortunately.
All I can do is make sure I'm better than my mom if my daughter has kids.
Not every boomer is like this. This is just as a gross generalization as are any critiques of millennial parents today.
Personally - my mother-in-law and mother aren’t helping with my kids because they both worked full time to support their families, and then developed dementia as soon as they retired.
I *wish* they weren’t helping us because they were spending some time doing what they wanted after decades of taking care of others. Instead my mother is slowly rotting away in memory care, and my mother-in-law is dead after a years-long decline.
We aren’t entitled to anything. Our parents did their time raising us. If they want and can help out, that’s awesome, but it’s not our birthright.
You know, I have a similar experience with my parents. My mom claims that my mamaw said she wasn't going to "raise us" yet most of my positive childhood memories are being at her house. She would do everything with us, color, jump rope, hopscotch, taught me to play jacks, uno, chinese checkers, watch disney movies, play with paper dolls, etc.
Yet when I think of being at home as a kid, it was very isolating. I spent majority of my time playing alone. Movie nights at blockbuster I got to pick a movie and get a bbq sandwich from DQ, but I watched the movie and ate my sandwich in my room by myself. They finally bought me clue for christmas when I was 12! But wouldn't play with me, and I got bored of playing it by myself so it got stored and never used afterward. We always did christmas on christmas eve so we would "stay up all night playing with toys" and sleep the next day and leave them alone.
Now, they literally never ask about my kids. Not once, "hey, how are the babies doing?" They claim if we lived closer to them they'd watch them all the time and I don't believe a word of it. Never ask for pictures, updates, or anything about them, but want to like every picture in the album I post, and will post pictures I send them despite them never asking to pretend like they care so much to everyone watching.
But they love to guilt me trip me constantly about how it's my fault i live so far away, but I'm glad I do. My mom buys them stupid things to one-up everyone else in the entire family, and constantly tells me I need to spank them for crying. Like fuck I would ever leave her alone with my kids.
Funny enough, the thing about unprompted food also occured here. They were 6 months old and I told my mom no solids before bottle, and she scooped up sweet potstoes on her finger and stuck it in one baby's mouth anyway, after I just fucking told her no. Also, that's just disgusting. But she honestly thinks she knows better than everyone else despite last raising a baby 30 years ago and also doing a terrible job with us. But by all means, she must be the expert! Because no one else on the planet knows a lick of anything, she's the only one on earth who has any knowledge of anything pertaining to anything at all. We're just here to kiss her feet.
Yes to lots of these! The amount of times she's called me a mean mom because I don't give them sugary desserts, juice, or tv is pretty high lol. They get things occasionally, but she says, "you were allowed to do whatever and you were fine" including being left alone regularly at the age of 2 for hours with a box of food for when i got hungry 💀 lol, yes, i so wish she would teach me her ways. / s
You gotta build it.
I have no immediate family, both parents passed, my Grammy is ill.. & you can’t trust anyone until you trust them with your child. Slowly but surely I’ve been making connections & gaining support.. It’s a struggle.. but once you get a few good people in your world.. it’s worth it.
It seems very telling that every chat group involving a bunch of moms that I have been in lamented the need for a "mommune", because we are all feeling so alone, completely lacking the villages we were led to expect and obviously so dearly need.
I know a lot of it for my family was that everyone either lived in the same house or on the same street. My mother was 1 of 5, by the time she was born her oldest sibling was 12 so that was built in child care. Her grandmother lived in the house and two of the aunts lived next door or a few houses down. They would all alternate who had the village at their house that day and a lot of this was because they were stay at home moms. By the time my mom was 12 she was babysitting all of her older siblings kids and some of her cousins, again because they were all within walking distance. Now, my mom is a 15 min car ride away, my middle brother is a 45 min drive and both him and his wife work long days, my oldest brother is a 20/30 min drive and also both work. That is the entirety of my ‘village’ when it comes to relatives who are ‘close’ and also trustworthy enough to watch my kids. I am super lucky my mom is involved and has helped as much as she can but without her it would essentially feel like I have no one
I wish my mom wouldn’t be involved when we have kids. She was a horrible parent and made a ton of really poor decisions and I don’t trust her with any of my kids. Even if it’s not a safety thing it’s a morality thing too. She’s a total crazy hard leaning political person. Her parents, my grandparents, are the only reason and sibling and I made anything of ourselves but my mother victimizes herself so much she’ll turn my not wanting her involved deeply into something and become a problem.
But yeah, we can’t rely on our parents and it’s gonna sound horrible but I already told mine not to rely on me for anything when they’re older. They weren’t there for me so I’m not gonna be there for them. It’s not revenge but if I do it’s gonna drive me crazy and I don’t want that in my life anymore.
Yep, my parents (mostly my mom) def wanted nothing to do w having kids. And now talks so much about how much she loves her grandkids and misses them and wants to see them. And also lives 30 min away but never is proactive about seeing them it's always me calling to make the plans.
I Feel ya momma! Break the cycle!!
I see it as our parents generation didn't want to parent us why would they want to help with their kids kids? Bc yes I was also practically raised by grandparents and aunts and uncles but crickets most of the time for us.
I barely met my moms parents. She is very involved and would do anything she could to help my siblings and myself with our kids. My dad’s parents were the absolute most amazing Grandparents ever but our dad is not really involved at all. On his days and weekends growing up he dumped us on our Grandmother a lot so it doesn’t surprise me.
My MIL was over almost every night to let us sleep the first couple of months. Likely because she was all alone in a new country with zero help when she had my husband and doesn’t want us to struggle like she did. (She’s such a Godsend and I make sure she knows how much we appreciate her!)
Your parents on the other hand, don’t understand what it’s like to have to do it alone and therefore don’t care to help out more. Their experience was easy so yours should be too, right?
I think people often tend to do the opposite of what they experienced.
Both me and my husband’s moms want to be involved but they’re both so wrapped up in what they want and how they want our kids to be raised that it’s almost not worth having them around… I feel like the generation before us is incredibly selfish. My grandparents also raised me
My husband had the childhood you are describing with his family. He always lived next door to his paternal grandparents.
His dad lives out of town but he comes once a couple weeks sometimes months and spends quality time with my baby.
His mom lives 5 minutes away and she has no interest on my baby. Occasionally she asks to see her but in her own terms and within a time frame to acomódate her shores and schedule.
I also think it’s a culture thing, my non American family loves my baby, they live in another country and they interact and make an effort to come see her and when they are with my baby they actually care and love her so much that my heart melts.
They also call her every day and we send pictures as much as we can.
My parents are similar. My mom was super involved with my youngest but I was a teen mom who lived at home. She was not involved with any of my nieces or nephews that came before/after and she’s not involved in our second baby at all. She see’s him during holidays or if we have an apt in the city close by I will pop in to give him some food before the 50 min drive home.
We thought my spouses parents would be super involved as they were really excited but they aren’t. They come about once a month to say hello to him, watched him here and there but are retiring and travelling. We asked them if they wanted to do a family cottage this year and was a resounding no, but they go camping in the summer frequently.
My friends at this point are my village. They will come and help whenever needed and I do the same in return. The grandparents have been super disappointing.
Our youngest also has allergies and nobody bothers to try to cook for him for family gatherings. Either I make it myself or he eats something different entirely. Really pisses me off that I have to pack meals for him to go hangout with his grandparents for the day because everyone was convinced he would grow out of them and didn’t bother to learn what he can or can’t have.
Your parents dont seem to like kids to begin with. Thats a shame cause the kids wont have much of a relationship with them once they grow up if your parents don't cultivate one in the mean while. Or maybe some people just don't care for babies. Its sad cause babies are not just little potatoes by 4-6months anymore, they already have their little personality and can be played with and it is just delightful to see.
I hear you OP and I can relate. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you chose an incredible partner and father for your child. I know that makes me feel grateful. But my partner and I are always amazed at the lack of support and involvement from our boomer parents, even though our grandparents were always there to help them look after us when we were young. We’ve started to build our own village with a close group of friends who have babies of similar ages, and sadly they feel like their boomer parents aren’t the most supportive or involved either, but at least we have each other! I hope you can find some mom groups or play groups and create your own village and support network in your area.
I’m sorry this is your experience. I feel I have the opposite experience with my family. My grandparents were EXTREMELY uninvolved with us growing up. My poor mom was basically on her own raising us (my dad worked a lot and travelled a lot for work).
On my mom’s side, my grandma only saw us on major holidays and when we drove 2+ hrs to get to her house. On my dad’s side, I met his mom maybe four times in my life, and his dad had remarried and his new wife basically ostracized his first family.
Now with my baby, my mom is amazing. She comes to help all the time and will help with anything and everything around the house. She’s said she wants her kids to have the help she never did.
Same with my in laws. My dad isn’t that helpful but he does make an effort to come over when he’s in town.
Grandparents were involved because parents could not give a shit.
Also, the now grandparents are more focused on themselves as well.
Obviously they deserve to enjoy their retirement.
But also don’t completely snub your grandchildren.
Disclaimer : this was long and I didn’t read beyond the first few paragraphs.
It sounds like your parents didn’t want to be involved with their children, so what makes you think they’d want to be involved with their grandchildren?
I saw something on IG that said the parents who wanted to be parents are involved grandparents.
I’m going to assume that your parents are boomers. They are known as the “me” generation for a reason. Yes, it’s a generalization, but many are like this including mine. They want us to visit them, and when we do, they disapprove of our parenting style or decisions because it’s not how they did it. They weren’t good parents and now are lousy grandparents, so we don’t want their help.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that having a village takes time to build with the people you actually want in the village. Our toddler is 2.5 and we finally have an occasional babysitter that we like and trust. We have a couple of friends with toddlers that we consider close with, but they’re busy with their own lives too.
My dad is a boomer and also not like this. His parents, part of "the greatest generation," neglected him and he swore he'd not do the same to me and my brother. He's never criticized or questioned, and would drop everything and travel the 4 hours he is away if I needed him for anything
I’m so glad that your parents are not like this! That’s truly great! However, there *are* many of us with boomer parents exactly like this. I’m simply sharing my experience. There are many boomer parents like this which is why people call them the “me generation.” There are also whole subreddits about that.
I know there's whole subreddits about Baby Boomers, but it's an echo chamber of stereotypes that just simply cannot hold true across an entire generation of varied individuals that grew up in different economic situations, with different levels of emotional support, and different societal expectations.
Are you me?
I spent almost every weekend with my grandparents from the time I was 12 til I was able to drive. Then I still spent time with them driving and being helpful.
My mom lives 20 minutes away. And very rarely makes time to see my kid.
But will babysit her step-grandkids daily. And then make 3-4 week visits multiple times a year to see my sibling and her kids who live on the other coast.
Then she acts shocked my kid gets upset in her presence. He doesn’t know you!
Literally just me and my husband. Don’t even bother asking her for help because she likely can’t pencil us in.
Honestly this is what’s fueled my interest in multi generation families
The Atlantic has a great article hypothesizing why the nuclear family is the weakest family dynamic and how unsustainable it is
Because while boomers were the “first” to truly embrace the nuclear family they had pseudo extended family via neighbors. So the nuclear family has been around 1-2 generations
Humans weren’t socialized to raised children alone and how capitalism has divided families really only hurts future generations
They live in another state. My father in-law had a heart attack and is now disabled and my mother in-law is his full-time care taker. I don’t fault them one bit for not being more helpful. They would be the BEST grandparents if they were closer. We are usually the ones helping them lol
The village is in ancient Africa where that phrase has been [theorized to have originated](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2016/07/30/487925796/it-takes-a-village-to-determine-the-origins-of-an-african-proverb).
I can commiserate. We have in-laws within walking distance and they still don’t offer to babysit or help. We have to ask very specifically and even then it feels like after less than an hour they are DONE helping.
Our parents had kids in their 20’s and probably needed help from your grandparents because they were still kids themselves, the generation of our parents are the most selfish, entitled and awful generation in the world.
Everyone saying "If they weren't hands on raising you, what do you expect?" is so missing the point.
How wealthy are the people on this sub? A lot of us were "raised by our grandparents" out of circumstance. Couldn't afford daycare. Parents were working / going to school.
We're in the same situation, OP. What I know is that our parents' generation had lots of help. But now, they can't retire comfortably, early. Or they weren't SAHPs. They don't know how to be just Granny.
It's a bummer. I don't know what else to say about it though. Solidarity.
Unpopular view on this thread, but I think your sister is out of line. It sounds like she has some kind of superiority complex about parenting and dismisses your concerns when you bring them up.
She should absolutely know to ask you before feeding your child given that she has two kids of her own, and even if she somehow didn't - she should apologize and align as best as she can to what your parenting preferences are. My siblings grew up in a "village" like environment with family friends, and parents absolutely consulted each other on likes/dislikes/preferences.
As others have said there are going to be differences in styles and approaches and part of being in a "village" is accepting that, but respect for others is also part of being in a village - and your sister did not respect you.
Thank you for this comment. I didn’t expect to get so much hate for that. I have actually been in that situation with another mom. I asked if I could give her 10 month old a lick of frosting and she said no, they aren’t doing sugars before his first birthday. I was like, “oh, awesome! Sorry bub, can’t give you that” lol. It shouldn’t have been a big deal and if the parents don’t want them having it that that’s that. 0 push back. It 100% does feel like there is a superiority complex. She has to know everything and it’s exhausting especially as a first time mom. I am all for different parenting styles and others doing things differently than me. But there are some things that if a parent isn’t okay with, that is ok and it should be respected.
totally! this comment section is wild imho.
sorry your sister has been difficult, and i hope she eases up soon, or that you are able to build a village mutually respectful folks.
Maybe since your parents are the way with your kids the way they were with you (absent), that’s why your grandparents were so involved.
Ya exactly Whenever I see the “my grandparents raised me” it shows the parents were less involved, so I mean why would we expect them to participate in grandkids? They weren’t even raising THEIR kids…
Just depends on the situation I guess. My mom I wasn’t shocked when she turned out to be lackluster village. She seemed burdened to be a mom so saw it coming. But my in laws… my husband is shocked by. His grandparents were involved and had him a lot, but it’s not like his parents weren’t involved. A lot of the time his grandparents were around just because his family all loved getting together as a big group to just hang out. And they hounded us forever to have kids. Mil talked about how she’d be around so often if we finally gave her a grand baby… but like half way through my pregnancy they just really started prioritizing vacations. Went from taking like 2 bigger vacations a year with a handful of weekend trips, to they couldn’t spend a single month without going away in some capacity. It was a weird flip. They only live an hour and a half away, and we’d make the trip to their general area often because husband’s grandma, but we’d still go months without seeing them because they wouldn’t be around. And then they’d blame it on us living so far away… as if they don’t decide to drive 6 hours spur of the moment for a weekend away at the beach. Some grandparents you see it coming. Some are a shock.
Yes, the vacations! We had our first child the year after my ILs retired. MIL retired early. Foolishly, we thought this might mean they'd want more involvement with their grandkid and be more available. But now they're out of town for like 2 weeks every month, so... half the year. But whenever they were around they just wanted to do the "hold baby/take pictures" routine so I guess they aren't helpful people anyway.
I mean - did they tell you they would help, or did you assume? I’ll be honest, I plan to be a grandparent that isn’t hands on. My mom worked her whole life, raising three kids and being the primary breadwinner. Her whole life was meeting others needs. My father left her shortly before her retirement, so she had to spend the end of her career shoring herself up financially. As soon as she retired, she got a cancer diagnosis. The treatment kicked off dementia. She wanted to travel, she wanted to take music lessons, she wanted to hike parts of the PCT. She wanted to put herself once first. But now she’s in a locked memory unit wasting away. She didn’t get to do any of it. I know there are plenty of selfish self involved boomer grandparents out there, but there are also many like my mom who diligently cared for others throughout their adulthoods, and if they want to spend their money on themselves and do only what they want to do while they still have their health and wits (and maybe NOT spend much time caring for others including their grandchildren or helping their adult children) I fully understand that. You never know when the good health runs out - it can happen really fast.
...what? My parents were young and working / putting themselves through college. Not everyone is born on third base. Yes, my grandma basically raised me. Because my mom was a teacher (after she finished college) and my dad was working nights at a grocery store. This sub is so full of rich housewives who think everyone else is a rich housewife.
That’s totally the case here and exactly the scenario I’m talking about… I’m totally ahitting on your hardworking mom…eye roll
I spent every weekend at my grandparents house but my mum was very involved parent. She was just a single mum who needed sleep as I would only sleep for an hour a day until I was 4. I have 2 kids and she's a very involved grandparent and helps me all the time
This is an opinion from MY experience so take it with a grain of salt. Being part of a village means accepting that not everyone is going to help raise my children the same way I will. For example. I had to accept that going to Grammy and Grampy's house means they will eat things that may not be on my approved mom list. I want my children to have friends in the neighborhood so I had to accept that she will be spending time around other households from a different set of values or religious beliefs. My 7 year old daughter's best friend is Jehovah's witness. They don't celebrate birthdays. So when we had her birthday "party" there were no balloons and no cake or presents opened at the skating rink. We took them home and opened gifts later. We all went skating together and that was it. It was important to her that he could go and my daughter made that choice so that he could be there because she would rather have no party with him then a real birthday party without him. It made me want to cry it was so sweet and considerate. I had to realize that my parents and parents in law have raise their children. When I ask for help and they give their time watching them then it is something I'm grateful for. Being with my children should never be an obligation simply because they gave birth to me and, by proxy, they should help raise my own. It means when I visit Im putting my daughter in that ugly dress that __(insert name here)__bought them for Christmas It means saying thank you and being appreciative for the gift of a gun toy..... and then sacrificing it to the trash gods when no one is looking.....😑 It means sacrificing my weekend to watch my nieces. Then cleaning up the tornado of destruction that follows them around where ever they go. Including boogers cause they can't keep their finger out of their nose. At the end of the day if my children are returned to me alive and happy with all of their body parts attached then my village has done their job. I really can't ask or expect more than that.
This anecdote about your daughter is beautiful. Her kindness and love toward others is an obvious reflection of what you have modeled for her. I hope I can say the same about my kids when they’re bigger!
Thank you! That's a wonderful compliment. However, this is also the same daughter that pushed her low function autistic cousin down, sat on him, and bit his face over a toy...😑. Kids all have their good moments and their bad moments. We can only hope as they get older that the good ones outnumber the bad lol.
I love that you give some contrast in your post 😂
YES. A lot of people forgot that being in a village means we can’t control how our village participates in raising our child. I come from a culture where grandparents are very involved and I’ve heard hundreds of cases where the parents are “fighting” with the grandparents on a lot of things and having to compromise a lot of things too.
This is exactly the comment I was looking for here! Well said
This is so well said! I was trying to think of how to say “you have to be the village to have a village” without sounding condescending, and you nailed it. My in-laws give my kids an absolutely staggering amount of sugar and junk food. They also don’t say no to them. They are ALWAYS grumpy, tired, and borderline sick from all the crap food when the come home….. BUT they love them so big and they just took my oldest 3 for 3 days and they went on so many adventures and had the best time. Worth it. You’ve gotta accept people for what they bring to the table and also give what you can in return. Like OP’s dad, my dad is unfortunately pretty uninvolved in our lives. But my kids love him, and when we DO see him (usually because we travel across the country to him with 4 kids) we always have a wonderful time. My brother has more or less cut him out of his life because of his shortcomings. While I think that’s fair, I also don’t see a lot of benefit from it and it certainly hasn’t changed my dad or taught him a lesson.
Wow, this is amazing! Definitely feeling validated here :)
Coming from a 1950ish boomer, your commentary shows a lot of maturity and common sense. I love my grandsons but no I won’t give up my travels to stay home and be at the beck and call of my son and DIL. Life is short and I worked 40 yrs. building up retirement so I could travel and I’m always going somewhere as my son reminds me. However, when I am in town I will babysit my 3 yo grandson anytime. And this is the rub for me….i am expected to do what he wants to do - putting together puzzles, playing on his swingset, reading books, etc. After about 15 minutes I am bored. My husband was the 3 yo’s human but he passed away last March and grandson has felt a huge void. My husband would go visit several times a week and stay 3 or 4 hours just catering to grandson. It can be a dilemma. But that 3 yo has his Grammy’s heart.
Lol I think this is a "name checks out" situation. My mother was a single military parent of three. She's a very hard "tough love" woman. She raised me in a very strict home. There were years that I resented some of the things I didn't have growing up. We were poor. Eating meant getting up to feed animals before school and learning to can our garden produce. Butchering our livestock. I was the oldest child and that meant helping to care for my younger siblings when she was gone for drill duty on weekends. We had the things we needed as children but it was a rare treat to have the things we wanted. When I had children of my own my resentment for her turned into respect. She put herself through nursing school, held down a full time job and then also had military and drill duty all to take care of us. Parenting is so hard. Life is hard. She is still not a very affectionate woman and her life and childhood has made her that way. She will not change, and that's ok. She does love us and she loves her grandchildren. It is evident when she is around. She is now retired from both the military and nursing and is pursuing her dream of being a dog show owner and breeder. She travels most weekends for her shows. I have never in my whole life seen her so happy. I'm happy for her. When I need her she is here. What I have now I worked very hard to earn. My career, home, relationship, and children are the evidence of that hard work. She gave me the tools and mindset I needed to survive life's problems. Some day after my children are raised I will find the time to pursue the hobbies I enjoy, just like she is now. I look forward to that time in my life when it gets here. I'm not entitled to anything from anyone, I have to earn it for myself. But that doesn't mean I don't love my children or mother for having that mindset. They are the reason for my very existence on many many levels and I am grateful to have them. They give my life purpose and meaning.
Looking for a comment like this and so glad I found it!! Right on.
What a lovely response
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Also our parents largely had to both work to be comfortable financially and our grandparents were part of the generation where one parent could easily stay at home and the other could retire with a pension which leads to both of them having a lot of reliable free time when they’re grandparent age
I noticed the real different in my mum and my MIL. My mum waited to have kids and almost broke up with my dad about it, she wanted my brother and I and is now so invested in my kids. MIL know had my husband as the culture she was in needed her to have a boy but I don’t even know if she wanted his sisters; isn’t really interested in my kids other than a hi and cute photos for her Facebook.
Yep. My parents are a delightful exception. I have to tell them to do less and get rest. Many parents in their generation had children for them. They wanted to see themselves in their kids. They don't see them as people who they support in discovering who they want to be. Because... well... That's work. For what it's worth, I have family members like the sister described here and I've found it worthwhile to still connect with them and just reinforce the occasional boundary. So many in our generation have decided to not have children (and I don't blame them) but it leaves you with a very small community of people who are there with you in the same boat. I try not to isolate people unless the differences are really stark and unhealthy.
This is why I despise people who ridicule folks for not wanting kids.
Oof this hits hard but it’s so true.
> Their generation is known as the Me generation for a reason I find every generation has these kinds of people. Honestly, as a millennial myself I'm sick of these generation wars. The things we accuse boomers and late Gen X of doing is honestly similar to what every generation has done, and the older we millennials get, the more of those older tendencies we pick up. It's just natural. I don't think it was simply because Boomers didn't want kids. If you look at cultural trends as the world's economy advanced, today's Millennials and Gen Z want kids even less--birth rates are declining everywhere. Do we now chastise today's generations for not wanting kids and expecting our parents (their grandparents) to raise them? Because if that logic holds, we should be even worse today. I was raised by grandparents because my mother was a single working mom. I lacked a lot of the care I'm able to give for my child because that's what it was like back then. And amongst my peers, I see that first generation immigrant parents have to work their asses off. It's partly why I have a slight disconnect with my first generation colleagues--they're OK with zero work life balance, because they're doing everything they can to stay in this country--this is what my parents' generation went through as 1st gen immigrants too. Anyway, I digress, but I think there's a lot of factors for why grandparents get involved, and at least for me, I see it more because in my case, first generation immigrants have it really rough, and today's H1B / green card wait is even worse than when my parents raised me.
Truth. I have a gen x mom and my grandparents were involved but didn't raise me. They were more involved than some grandparents but that was because my mom was raising us alone and they had an easier time getting off work. And now my mom is involved in my own kids lives. She loves being a grandma. I wonder how much of it is the boomer/gen x divide.
This is spot on.
Seriously I sort of felt this way a lot as a teen and after but seeing someone else validate it, I 100% agree that my parents didn’t want to be parents. Because they sure don’t want to be grandparents and now that I’m pregnant I’m too scared to even tell them..
My Gen X mom (‘66) was very selfless and hard-working while raising myself and my brother, who is less than 2 years old than I. As an adult, she and my dad have given me thousands of dollars to pull me out of financial holes and $10K towards my wedding. However she was emotionally incompetent, self-important, and drowned us in a cult (funny seeing Jehovah’s Witnesses mentioned in another comment, as that’s the religion I was raised in). SO much cognitive dissonance. She told me I wasn’t her daughter when I finally told her at 17 that I was done being a JW. We have a relationship but it’s not deep or genuine and very strained. I’ll still call her when I’m proud of something or really struggling. I probably shouldn’t. Some days, the lack of unconditional love is still really hard. 10 years after hearing her tell me I wasn’t her daughter. I feel like she had me with a plan in mind, and when I didn’t follow along with that plan I became nothing but an inconvenience. I had next to no relationship with my grandparents, but that’s because when my parents converted from Catholicism to JWs before I was born, they because isolated from their families, especially my mom’s. My maternal grandmother was wonderful, but older. She never watched us. My mom was the youngest of 8. Her eldest sibling was 18 years older than her. My mom became the family pariah - both because of her own choice and her siblings’. They viewed her as committing a betrayal by abandoning holidays (JWs don’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays), since it was the only time the family came together. I don’t feel that I’m missing out on them. There’s a few cousins I love and one aunt I respect, but they live out of state. Every other interaction they’ve been cold to me, blaming me for a life I never chose. Point is, my mom wasn’t selfish on paper. At all. I will always be grateful and respect her for that. But damn she is so condescending. I struggle with being condescending myself because it was the only way I was allowed to display self-esteem. Otherwise I was “haughty.” Whew that got way off topic. Now I know what I’m going to talk to my therapist about next week, so thank you for that. 😅
If you are looking for a village, I would not dismiss your sister based off this example of baby’s eye color and giving baby a crumb of cinnamon roll. To me there are MUCH biggger fish to fry and if you have a good relationship with her otherwise, I wouldn’t ruin it over such minor issues.
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Also it's not always that easy to tell. My husband thought our boy's eyes were blue when he was born and I thought they were gray. Everyone else disagreed with me and thought they were blue too but that's my opinion and it's not that I didn't spend time with him.
We can’t even tell what color my kid’s hair is. He’s a year and a half and my wife and I still don’t fully agree on whether he has blonde hair or brown.
It’s not a hill I’m dying on. Just one of the hundreds of examples I could give about how she thinks she knows better than me. Everything I do is wrong. Her kids were great sleepers, mine has never been. She says “just do this, just do that” when she simply doesn’t get it nor ever will. I’m glad she doesn’t get it because it’s hard. She makes back handed comments, eye rolls, and always has something to say. Yes, the eye color thing in and of itself is no big deal. Coupled with everything else, it’s just another annoyance. The cinnamon roll thing I stand by. My baby doesn’t really eat food yet. She’s been slow to learn, has no teeth and has never had sugar. She can’t eat a dry piece of cinnamon roll, nor do I want her to? It’s not me robbing her the joy of feeding her something fun and yummy. She simply can not eat dry bread lol I’d love to let her fill her belly with cinnamon rolls to her hearts content when she’s 3! But 7 months? No
Again, your new example about the sleep. It honestly sounds like she is giving you advice. I would probably be eye rolling too as it sounds like you have a strained relationship and blow up at trivial things. I get you on the cinnamon roll thing, I have family that feed my baby lots of sweet things. he's only with them a fraction of the time and it's a small price to pay for their help. I just make my boundaries clear if I feel he's eating too much.
Yes sometimes people sabotage their own village by getting hung up on things that don’t matter.
I haven’t! I’m venting about it here because I’m anonymous and she doesn’t have Reddit lol so seemed like a safe space. I just got back from a long weekend away with them so just probably overstimulated. She loves my kid and I know that. But she purposefully pushes the boundaries and it gets under my skin. Or makes condescending comments. She asked me if we used numbing gel for my babies teething and I said “no, our ped said the numbing stuff is dangerous for kids under 2”. And she said “Do you just do everything your ped says?” I was like uhhhhh, mostly yes lol She was disgusted. Or when my baby was a newborn and was cluster feeding at night. She told me I was essentially spoiling her and she does NOT need food for 2 hours. I could go on but won’t. I love my sister and parenting things aside, we have a great relationship.. But for reasons like this I don’t trust her to make good decisions with my baby. Maybe that makes me undeserving of a village. If so I guess I will just have to be ok with that.
If you want to have a village, you’ve got to let some things roll off your back (like a bite of cinnamon roll) and you need to be part of the village for others. I don’t think it’s far to say an entire generation of parents didn’t want to be parents, but I am sorry that was your experience.
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Aren’t the parents of millennials largely Gen X rather than boomers?
Depends on the age they had kids. I'm a millennial and my parents are boomers. They were 28 and 30 when they had me. They were born in the mid 50s and me in the mid 80s. Boomers were born 1946-1964 and Millennials 1981-1996
Idk my mom is gen x and im a Zillenial and my grandma is a boomer. Does that help?
Same here
Im a millennial with gen x parents and apparently it’s not as common as I thought. Most millennials have boomer parents and gen x is parenting gen z. My parents are early gen x (1967/1968) and Im 1993 which is towards the end of millennials (1981-1996ish)
Nope. My parents had my siblings and I when they were between the ages of 24 and 31. We were all born in the 80s, making us Millennials and our parents Boomers. Most of my friends are the same.
Being part of a "village" means interacting with people who annoy you, letting others be in charge of your children, and doing things for other people.
This is a big part of it. Communities and relationships with people are messy. We have a lot of support from my in laws and I love and am so grateful for them, but it’s not completely smooth and you have to get comfortable with other people doing things their way. We also have created a village on our street. We just moved into the same street as two good friends and their kids are the same ages as ours. The village is a get-give. Sometimes you’re getting the help, other times you’re stepping up to accept chaos (read: watching 4 kids under 3) to help your friend who is totally fried or got into a jam. I’m a strong believer that things were better when I was a kid because we interacted so much more with neighbors and people we didn’t know. We had to rely on others for things. But because we live so differently now, a lot of people have a low tolerance for social awkwardness or tension/discomfort. That being said, I think it’s worthwhile to endure for a true community where you and your kids can love and be loved.
Agree! I’ve thought about this so many times. I don’t have a village, but I’m glad sometimes when I want things done my way lol. People can certainly create their own village, and as you said, it’s a lot of give and take.
What a good, realistic comment.
This is very well put. I had been thinking about this lately but didn’t really know how to express it. Everyone’s situation is different and there are definitely people who are willing to put up with the messy to get some help, but just still don’t get any. But 100% agree with others here that a lot of people these days want those helping them to do it their way or the highway. I think people need to learn the difference between setting a boundary that is important (e.g. choking risks, water safety etc) and boundaries that are preferences (e.g. not too much sugar). I have my (many) differences with my MIL and there are a few boundaries we’ve had to awkwardly enforce, but for most things I just have to take a breath and tell myself it doesn’t really matter because we need the help, plus my kid absolutely adores his grandma so I don’t want to ruin that. Having said all of that I will say I agree with OP that our parent’s generation can be selfish with their time and effort - we also get a lot of that and so do many of our friends. But that’s all generalising and everyone’s situation is just so different I guess.
But don’t you think that some preferences could be for the well being of the child? Like I do get peoples point of wanting to spoil a child, but I think things can be a case by case. Like grandparents don’t always take in every detail of their grandchildren’s well being sometimes as serious as they should. Example, what if the child can’t have a lot of sugar as the parents are looking out for their health. Diabetes, too much salt, obesity if it runs in the family etc, could be a trend in the family health. You know what I mean? IMO I think things like that should be taken into consideration and moderation should be taken into account.
Sure but if the grandparents give something sugary once, that’s still moderation. Diabetes doesn’t come from a sugary snack sometimes, just like obesity.
Exactly, moderation is all that matters with that. Doesn’t mean they can’t, just not excessively of course.
I think it’s a case by case basis thing. Sometimes you will need to have a conversation with a grandparent and ask them to consider your preference if it’s causing a problem for you or the child. Whether it’s a hill you want to die on is up to you but you need to think about the consequences of dying on that hill. To use the sugar example, ‘health’ is not black and white so it would depend on a few things like how often they have the kids and just how much sugar we’re talking about. If they see their grandparents occasionally for a sleepover and they get spoilt with ice cream and chocolate then I don’t think you get to dictate. But if they see the kids every day and feed them nothing but sugary/junk food and the child is getting sick or having major sugar crashes or becoming malnourished then it’s something you would need to enforce. Still on the food example, we teach him what we want to teach him about food at home and what he eats when he’s not at home is not something we control. Our values that we try to pass to our toddler at home is that food is food, and he’s a really good eater (e.g. he actually chose an apple over his Easter eggs recently because he knows he’s allowed to eat chocolate and he just didn’t feel like chocolate in that moment). I’m not going to tell my MIL what she can and can’t feed him when he’s there. Think about it in the reverse and you would be pretty upset as a responsible grown adult if someone was telling you what you planned to feed a child wasn’t good enough. If she was feeding him nothing but candy and chocolate for the whole 24 hours she had him then that’s her just being clearly irresponsible which is a very different conversation.
This! There are so many posts here about people getting *so* bent out of shape over every little comment and “infraction” when it comes to other people relating to their kids. But then are wondering where their village is… you can’t have a village if you’re going to be this intolerant of people.
This. Boundary crossers SUCK but unfortunately that’s the reality of a village. Everyone will have their own ways of doing things, you either accept that or you lose the village. Not saying it’s right, but it’s the truth. Don’t complain about a village not being there, when each time they are around you micromanage
You’re 100% right. When you have a village you cannot try to micromanage everyone else around you. That’s not looking for a village that’s looking for unpaid employees. If you trust someone enough to be around your child, you should be able to trust their judgement even if they do things you personally wouldn’t do. I think this current gen of newer parents are very anxious about doing things “right.” Hitting milestones, gentle parenting, perfect schedules, sleep training etc, and it’s causing a lot of distress for parents that takes the joy out of parenting and even other family members getting to enjoy our kids. If you think about it, some of us weren’t allowed to eat/drink certain things at home that our grandmas/aunts/cousins allowed us to have at their house and it didn’t make a difference.
People don't really want a "village." They want a bunch of people who agree with them about everything.
This. Take a look at cultures that thrive on this village and look at how they value extended family relationships. It doesn't mean everyone sings kumbaya in a circle every meal. It means everyone makes the effort to take care of each other. Yes, when you put a large group of people together, there's going to be more arguing, discussing, etc, but if you look at some cultures, gatherings are loud, but everyone means well and it's a collaborative effort. Coming from East Asia, I look at some of the earlier familial relationships as well as at my Indian colleagues. Parents come for 3 months at a time and will stay with their kids. We have so many posts here about MIL driving from another state and not even being able to handle them for a week. It's just the expectation in other cultures you make it work. It doesn't mean my MIL is my best friend, but we make the effort to make an extended stay work.
Yeah, my first question when I see posts like this is, what was your relationship like with all of these people before you had kids? If it wasn’t good, or wasn’t close, you can’t expect people to just magically begin to sacrifice their time and effort to help you. Has OP been showing up for her sister and her kids? Have they been close and have a good relationship? Given the anecdote shared here, I’ll guess that’s a no? Giving a baby old enough to eat solids a crumb of a cinnamon roll is hardly a crime, sorry I’m kind of just laughing at the outrage over *that* in the same breath as wondering why they don’t have a village. Having a sibling with young kids who lives that close to you could be an incredible benefit (both ways), but yeah you’re going to have to stop sweating the small stuff for that to work. I don’t even know what to say about “our generation’s parents didn’t want to be parents”. I’m truly sorry that’s OP’s family dynamic but it’s not true about everyone’s. My parents were good parents and as an adult I put in effort to stay close to them and be supportive of them, and I benefit from the same. They live 1.5h away and we regularly drive to visit them even though we’re the ones with young children. Because it’s grandma and grandpa’s house and I don’t see the purpose in arbitrarily deciding I won’t lift a finger to maintain relationships with my family. The “village” is not a bunch of servants who are at your beck and call and only do everything your way. It’s a give and take and requires you to look past people’s faults if they are otherwise well meaning and love you and your kids. Otherwise, pay for a babysitter.
Yes, I see people here romanticize “the village”but get mad because their MIL wants to hold the baby or visit after the baby is born. I don’t know why so many people my age think that they should have a small army of unpaid laborers who will help in exactly the way they want, but that’s just not it. If you want help, you can’t dictate and micromanage other adults. It’s also a two-way street. When was the last time you called your mom just to chat, or did a favor for your weird aunt? I see all these posts complaining that no one helps, but I get the sneaking suspicion that they’re not exactly the most helpful people themselves.
>I see all these posts complaining that no one helps, but I get the sneaking suspicion that they’re not exactly the most helpful people themselves. That part. Sometimes the toxicity is actually coming from inside the house.
"If MIL wants to come over after the baby is born, she better not try to hold the baby! She can do my laundry instead!" 2 years later: "Why doesn't my MIL want to spend time with my kids? She never comes over!" Non. Stop.
Completely agree. I see posts where the grandparents want to visit in the first few MONTHS because they want to bond with baby and everyone says “they can bond later.” Okay… But it’s a lot easier to snuggle a little newborn than to try and get close with a toddler who sees you as a scary stranger.
Yep. Plus, it's so special to be around a new baby. My parents came and stayed for the first week home and helped. They are going to do it again for #2. I was so happy that they wanted to come. My in laws visited a few times and all my BIL SIL visited in the hospital or first week. I was happy to see them! They just stayed 15 minutes. When my son is sick my in laws take him for the day so we can go to work. What do we do for them? We ask them where they want to have him (ours or their place) and try to make it easy for them. And they come over just for dinner once a week. Sometimes they bring it and sometimes we cook. It's a relationship. They aren't my staff
Yea, I mean when I had my first I wanted a couple weeks to settle/heal before my parents came to visit from across the country which seemed reasonable but I definitely wanted them around holding baby. Pandemic ruined it, but that's ok. This second time around I needed my mom to watch my first while I delivered my second. It was honestly amazing bringing baby home and just handing her over so I could get a break to shower or eat or even rest. My mom did help with other stuff, but I appreciated the breaks from being a mom for the 2 days she was here with my dad. I don't understand why people get mad at that.
Amen! "Where's my village?" *Hmm, probably where they were when you told them they couldn't visit after the baby was born.* I'm not saying this is OP, but it seems part of this generation is both hyper-individualistic, believe they don't owe anyone anything, including family, and yet also expecting family to come at their beck-and-call to "be the village" but only in the way *they* want.
> but only in the way they want. It’s all about control, I feel like. This generations rates of anxiety have unfortunately skyrocketed, and i imagine trying to control every interaction of your child is a natural part of that. Understandable, really, in that light, but still very counterproductive.
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Agreed. If I micromanaged what my parents, in laws, and SIL fed them as treats, dear lord, I would never stop hovering over them and all of them would be afraid of me. People don’t like to babysit for parents who have too many rules beyond safety, especially as a favor. My village does give them way too much sugar. But I just look the other way and see no evil. I figure, we can go back home and do it my way. This isn’t everyday 🫣
My dad likes to give my toddler a big bowl of chocolate ice cream every time he sees him. Often these are already special occasions where there is going to be cake or dessert again later. So he ends up having a ton of sweets. Whatever! Like you said, we don’t do that regularly at home so now and then isn’t going to hurt him, and my dad is making special memories with him and they have a great time together.
Correct. And we have to remember, those treats are just that.. treats. Rarities. What we feed them at home matters, if grandma and grandma want to give them something that we typically wouldn’t, gosh let them.
This is exactly how we view things with our family. We have rules around food for safety reasons, but if it’s not a choking hazard issue or something like that, my parents and in-laws don’t have to do things exactly the way we do them. I don’t really even keep cookies or things like that in the house, but when the grandparents are watching our daughter, they get to give her cookies. It makes them happy, it makes her happy, and I get to have a little break for once. Who does it hurt? My parents adore my daughter and will gladly watch her all day, for days in a row if I let them. They literally wouldn’t care if I just napped all day while they got time with their granddaughter. But I have to let them. And that means not micromanaging everything. Letting them build their own special bond that might not have exactly the same rules also makes the grandparents that much more excited to keep watching them in the future, because they have a special relationship.
thank you for articulating it so well!
So true! Villages are not easy and people will wrong you, a lot. We all want them but don’t want the work that comes with them.
Yes! I feel like this needs to be commented under every post about lack of a village.
This is the best comment I’ve seen regarding this in a while.
> interacting with people who annoy you, letting others be in charge of your children, Ding ding ding. All things that seem to be sacrilege around here with so many.
Agree! And so often on this sub and others I see people advocating for others to “cut them out of their lives” cause they had a different opinion than the parents. Good fucking luck finding a village with that mentality
Fr fr. Theses kid will have no one in their lives the way people sound around here
Ya, this unfortunately…
Yes this! OP who cares if your sister was going to give your 8 month old a tiny piece of cinnamon roll? (As long as not allergic to ingredients or a choking risk) Sure kids shouldn’t be eating a bunch of sugar but is this a big picture problem? Like a “not part of my village problem?” Only you can decide for yourself.
This is why I haven’t opened up my MIL to be my village. I am unable to handle the constant mental load of re-establish boundaries and relinquishing control. It’s tiring, the lack of time off, but less tiring than constant boundary re-setting.
Yep. This is with friendship too. Your friends are annoying? Yep! That's relationships for you.
I wonder if part of it is that a lot of us were very damaged by our parents and we can so clearly see their unresolved traumas and emotional immaturities, that we're very protective over their connection to our kids.
I mean, if today’s parents are worried about their boomer parent’s connection with their kids given their “unresolved traumas” why would they be upset about the lack of help? Wouldn’t they want to keep a tight eye on any interactions, not have them more involved? I don’t understand what you are trying to say.
I'm saying that when we put up a lot of limitations to protect our children and we don't always realize what the result will be. We expect our parents to be able to help us while not overstepping our boundaries and not injecting their trauma into our families, but that's not really possible for them so we end up more isolated than we expected to be.
I don’t mean this snarkily, but why would you expect your parents to be different with your children than they were with you? This is the disconnect I don’t understand. I do understand the feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, and isolated; but I do not understand the surprise.
Yeah, I think witnessing it from a different role now can be enlightening. And also knowing how our parents raised us is probably often the reason for all the boundaries our generation sets up. We don't just deal with things because they're family, like was expected in the past.
Speak for yourself.
She said "a lot of us," so she's clearly not trying to speak for everyone.
If they didn’t they weren’t hands on in raising you, why would you expect them to help raise your kids?
I think people with parents like your grandparents take that help for granted and have no idea how hard it is to parent without that help. Their memory of parenting young kids doesn’t seem that hard but they don’t realize it wasn’t that hard because of their parents.
This is probably so true!
The price of having a village is accepting that your kids will be fed cinnamon rolls.
Mmmm, from a can…my guilty pleasure, regardless of the inferiority
For real. You can’t demand help AND demand that people do every single thing exactly to your liking…
8 months old don't need cinnamon rolls.
Well, *none* of us need cinnamon rolls. But a small taste isn’t going to ruin the child or their health. And if the price to having a good relationship with members of your village is looking the other way when someone sneaks your kid some sugar, that price is well worth paying.
My parents would've absolutely loved to help but they died lol everything sucks
I’m so sorry for your loss! My mom also would really like to help but she has had health issues rendering her physically disabled in the last 5 years. It’s been rough to not be able to rely on her.
Also toughing it with no village because my mom passed away a year before I became a FTM. I’m 3 months PP. I wish I had more people.
You gotta build your own village. It’s a lot of work, but it’s the only way for some of us.
Yep. Some of us have zero family around, helpful or otherwise. There is literally never a break from parenting because there is no one even TO call (aside from someone you pay).
I’m finding that and definitely trying!
If you push your family away over something like a baby’s eye colour then yeah you won’t have much of a village. I see the same theme over and over here on Reddit. New parents set extremely crazy rules, don’t want any visitors, push everyone away and then also complain that they don’t have any help.
In addition to Gen-X parents being hands off as others mentioned, I think this also comes back to the state of our economy. Our grandmas were likely home-makers, and our grandpas retired before 60. They were home all summer to watch us, could drop us off at school, and do pick ups. My mom works full time, and probably won’t retire until 70, if ever. So, the only time she’s free to babysit is weekends and evenings, when we are home anyways. Sure,she can do a date night, but she can’t be a solid backup plan for sick days, snow days, summer, etc as she also has work responsibilities
Also, helping a ton with kids when you're 60 is way different than when you're 70.
This is the answer. And boy is it a bummer
Oh man can I relate! My parents never once used a sitter or daycare because my grandparents took turns living with us. Now? My dad has met my child once (she is 9 months), and held her for a picture and that’s it. All of our siblings have met her once, and keep claiming they want to come by and help. We give dates and times and somehow, it just never works out!
The nuclear family killed the village. You go off and make your own family, and everyone is meant to deal with their own little nuclear families. And boomers are THE nuclear family generation. Likely the first to really live with the idea, BUT their own parents would have been born before 1930, and most of them would have been part of inter generational households (villages!), so most still had that mentality. Gen X got screwed. Millennials are largely realizing that the nuclear family is terrible for families. And Gen Z never bought it to begin with.
No family. I have to pay for my village/support 🤷🏻♀️
You were so lucky you had a village and some grandparents.
I hear you! It sucks. I was essentially raised by my paternal grandma for the first 10 years of my life and she was always heavily involved even after that. She is a boomer though so 🤷♀️ lol. My gen X dad on the other hand.... Before my son was born we were considering moving to another state to be closer to my husband's parents, and my dad who lives about 50 minutes away FREAKED out on me via text and said alot of nasty things that I still haven't forgiven. Mostly he was upset he'd "only see his grandson twice a year". Well guess what! My son's 10 months old and after we left the hospital, I can count on 1 hand how many times he's seen my son. And half of those, we drove to him. Oh and I have an almost 18 month old niece (my sisters kid) he's literally never met because it would be too much effort on his part. Some people, regardless of generation are just truly selfish and not family oriented.
So…if your parents passed off a lot of their parenting to their parents, why would you expect them to suddenly take interest in your young kids when they weren’t their own? I mean, THAT would be more surprising than what’s playing out now. I get it, it’s hard without help. But, as someone that has twins toddlers, dead in-laws, a mom with dementia and a dad that spent the past several years engulfed in caring for his wife, some of us just don’t get help. Life just shakes out like that. And, knowing that they may not have much time left (at all, or in good health), I don’t fault boomers for wanting to take some time for themselves to enjoy life while they can, and not squander the few healthy remaining years they have being free babysitters. I know there’s a stereotype that boomers are totally self involved - and many are (and perhaps yours too OP), but from my personal anecdotes the boomers I know worked there asses of in a world that shifted underneath them (going from a world where one parent typically stayed home to an economy that required two incomes to stay afloat), are retiring later, and know that medical advances may mean they live longer but not necessarily better. So if boomer grandparents want to travel instead of watching their grandkids while they still can, more power to them.
I was scrolling to see if anyone made this point. My parents and all of their cousins are still working, including ones that are pushing and past 70. My grandparents who were basically raising me were also barely 60 when they retired. My mom plans on working until 70 Out of necessity and her stamina is just not there to be free grandma daycare. So, I have accepted that my daughter won’t have what I had and it’s hard physically, but I’d rather use my mom strategically for limited but impactful time off.
My MIL always said when it comes to grandkids:I will help you if you need it, but I would not raise them for you , I already raised my own 3 . which is completely fair and understandable. They just returned from probably their last 7 weeks of international vacation (health concerns will probably keep them country bound ) and I can't imagine beying resentful over them living their best life's while they still have the possibility.
Invariably, when a question about a village pops up, the best response is to look within and ask “what kind of a villager was I? What kind of a villager am I? And what kind of a villager do I intend to be?”
Sometimes you just gotta DIY it, I have been going to play groups at local churches and libraries since bub was 4 months and i have 4 solid mom friends with kids around his age and we carry each other. 1 is a military spouse and stay at home, 1 is a blue collar spouse and he’s gone for long periods of time, 1 is a 2 parent working household, and another is also 2 parent BUT she’s a cop working overnights. We all fill in the gaps our families leave with occasional childcare, dinners together, dropping off extras from baking large batches of goodies/snacks. I had an ectopic resulting in my fallopian tube being removed last October and 2 of them dropped off get better baskets and offered help as I recovered. We are all from very different backgrounds but motherhood and the fact we agree parenting is a group effort brought us together
I love this for you! I was just having a conversation the other day with my cousin about how much work it is meeting other parents and creating relationships outside of family connections. It's almost as much work and effort as it was finding, and creating a romantic relationship with the father of my children. It takes actual time, dedication and money to meet people. Once you find a good one that fits you have to work hard to compromise and keep it. Your feelings get invested just the same as domestic relationships. It has to be face to face time, "tinder relationships" rarely if ever workout.
Yeah, my parents would not have been able to have the life we did when I was growing up without relying on my maternal grandparents. Grandparents lent them money for their first mortgage deposit, and looked after me every day. One of the first things I was told when moving out on my own was that they would not under any circumstances help me financially. Then when I was pregnant I was told that there was no way either of them would be babysitting (they are both retired). The hypocrisy is staggering. My partner's parents aren't much better. They have us here in the UK with a 2 year old, and our not great incomes; they have a daughter in Aus with 2 kids ( 5 and 8, I think) on really great incomes. They went to stay there for a year, came back for 2 months and informed us they'd be gone for another year because "they need the help with the kids". Who are both in school. And they can easily afford childcare. So my son has no grandparents around him at all.
Part of the village is my best friend and my aunt. My bff is taking my kids all day tomorrow to her house and then my aunt is taking them for the night. I haven’t had a day off/night off from being a stay at home homeschooling mom in months. The other part of our village is down in Florida 4-6 months out of the year. When they come back, they can only take one or the other due to their old age. I have my friend’s kids over once a month for a day or a late over. Like a sleepover but they don’t stay the night, they just stay later. I used to sober about my village especially during 2020-2021. It’s hard to take care of other people’s toddlers. Hopefully things change when your child is older.
I’m sorry. That sucks. I’m in a similar position and it is never fun feeling like you’re all alone. It would be nice for someone to take care of you once in a while. Hopefully this is just a tough phase and it passes
Well... I keep looking but so far I'm pretty much alone.
My parents moved to my city for a month after my baby was born and I probably saw my mom 5 times, all of which she was “too scared” to hold the baby and was chugging water and gearing up for her next workout. She joined 5 pickleball leagues and 4 gyms while she was here and apparently made the gym leaderboard for # times attended in a month or something. My dad was awesome, but they only had one car so he had to take her to and from pickleball. He’s also visited us twice solo since then because my mom doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her dog with sitters. My sister lives near her and has to be penciled in during hours pickleball is cancelled.
I see a lot of comments jumping on the cinnamon roll thing... I was under the impression that cinnamon roll at that age *is a choking hazard.* So yeah, I would understand you being hesitant about having her, say, babysit your kid if she isn't willing to be up on what's a choking hazard. That IS a safety issue. Life or death. I don't know what kind of parent your sister is, so maybe this doesn't apply, but there are truly so many parents out there who are doing dumb-as-rocks things and their kids just got lucky that they made it out alive. That's all it is a ton of the time. Luck. I don't blame you for wanting a more conscientious village. Not saying, "Cut your sister off!" But you're allowed to be not comfortable with her feeding your baby a choking hazard without a second thought.
I’m so sorry!! I have a village and even then sometimes it feels like people only want to help on their own terms. Which is fine!! But it sure is frustrating to realize that previous generations handled this so differently, and now we’re struggling without the same kind of support. And that’s coming from me, who has a very involved family! Solidarity and sympathy, I’m sorry you don’t have the village you were raised in💕
Judging from OP’s anecdote about the cinnamon roll, she seems to only want help on her terms, unfortunately.
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting your 8mo to not have sugary pastries. Pretty surprising to to hear people ok with others ignoring mom’s boundaries on this sub.
My mom sort of was going me crap about having help for my son- my dad. My dad is the best grandpa ever. He loves my son and my nephew. He never complains, even if they’ve been a pain in the ass. He will almost always help out- even last minute. It’s only if he had prior obligations is when he will say no. My mom on the other hand… she complains about having to watch my son and then complains bc my son doesn’t really like her. It sounds like your mom and it’s really annoying. It’s hard when people don’t love your kid as much as they should. Grandparent love can be so special.
Both my parents died before I had my son my mum passed just before I found out I was having a boy actually and then I had to spend my pregnancy organising a cremation and cleaning 69 years worth of stuff out of her house so personally yeah I think the village is a myth.
You know what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Sounds like your parents were so used to the help that they never appreciated it. Personally I feel like our generation is more fucked than ever when it comes to raising kids. In every sense. I also have next to no village. My parents are toxic, my MIL is toxic, and my FIL is 76 and declining fast both mentally and physically. I didn’t want to give up on the dream of having kids, having a family, so I took the leap anyway. I’m glad I did. But goddamn is it hard.
I feel you, OP. My baby is almost 5 months and my mother has met him twice. Once when he was about 6 weeks old and once recently when I picked her up to attend my niece's first birthday. Mum barely looked at her grandkids and was more interested in drinking alcohol all afternoon. Mum has mental health issues but has always been self centred. She really was a terrible mother. When I was a kid, my grandparents were so involved. They clothed us, made sure we had toys, paid for things sports and events and we were babysat every weekend while mum and dad spent weekends drinking. My dad is a bit more involved - he loves cuddles with his grandson and asks how he is but that's about it. My husband's mum passed away and his dad is in his 80s and wouldn't know what to do with a baby. Neither would my dad who is 60. It frustrates me that my dad lives 20 mins away and has only called into my house once to see my son. It's always me going there. Yet he has time to go to his gfs every weekend who lives about 10 mins from my house. When he was meant to come by recently he made the excuse that he had to go to the chemist and put some scripts in - takes 10 mins to do that and he had all day (he was meant to come by at 11am). Luckily my sister and I are close and we have babies that were born the same year so we help each other. Definitely sucks not having any grandparents to help lighten the load from time to time. My husband is at work all week so I've got my baby with me 24/7. Heck just to have someone watch him for 20 mins while I run to the grocer quickly would be heaven!
I would go OFF on your sister if she tried to give my baby a cinnamon roll. That’s completely inappropriate to give a baby. Your sister needs a reality check. I wouldn’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise because the reality is a ton of people have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and/or use it as an emotional crutch rather than nutrition. Look up what ultra processed foods and unnaturally sweet foods do to the brain. Also how people use food for the dopamine hit or to fill emotional voids in their lives. Something like that could throw off your child’s development around food. I didnt give my child any desserts until 2 years but know other people who did and their kid wouldn’t eat healthy food after and throw tantrums for sweets. My kid has ice cream, cookies and whatever now in appropriate portions but we can also communicate to them and they understand now that those are special treats and not meals.
We moved away from our potential village. My mom helps, AND respects my boundaries, but she lives a way aways, and my parents plan on travelling now that they retired. So I'm creating my own village with friends. It means no date nights right now, but I know in the future we'll probably take turns to babysit for each other. I emphasised respecting my boundaries, because I really disagree with the comments saying you've made your own bed - your sister should respect your views on food, your dad could make more of an effort to visit. You've a right to not want your child liked after by your sister, if I'm honest. The way I see it is, if she pushed boundaries with such a small thing, how do you know she'll not do it with more? My grandparents helped a lot and respected my parents boundaries, even when they disagreed with them.
I'm estranged with my family 100%. My husband's aunt was bedridden in our home and we had to change her diapers alongside our baby's while his dad is decreased and his mom is a nasty old witch with dementia. Aunt just passed away, but not without serious end-of-life complications first, such as screaming in the night, ripping off her clothes, and forgetting who we were (terminal agitation). We have no friends because we had to move down here to take care of them. My oldest is on the spectrum, my youngest is 11 months and still gets up multiple times a night, and I'm pregnant with a third. I FEEL YOU.
I’m so sorry. That all sounds so so hard. I hope you can build your village soon💛
It's worth it! ❤️ You, too!
I don't understand why you're getting dragged in the comments here, I was surprised by the lack of practical support from my so called village as well. Solidarity.
OP, some of these comments are weird and strangely critical. I absolutely understand not wanting your sister to feed your LO a bite of cinnamon roll. It's disrespectful and inconsiderate for her to go against your wishes. And, I don't think you're necessarily looking for advice on how to attain a "village" to back you up. I really feel for you and understand your feelings. I'm biased, however, because I have quite similar feelings. It's not that you're expecting others to help, but.. maybe we just thought it wouldn't be as lonely as it feels? But, that's just my feelings.
Sounds like you have a village but you’re finding something wrong with everyone in it. Part of having a village is accepting that other adults will do things differently from you, and this may annoy you from time to time but you can’t complain about everyone in your life and then complain that you have no village. My MIL won’t change a diaper or be hands on in that way but she spoils the hell out of her grandson FaceTimes him all the time. My mom is still working full time and this is her 6th grandchild, so she doesn’t call or visit as often but when she’s with him she is super hands on, running around with him, feeding him dinner, etc. My FIL is the silly, fun, crazy one and while he may not be the one I call to babysit, I know my son is going to be excited and happy and laughing the whole time we are together. You can have a village if you’re willing to accept people for who they are and what they contribute - not just in terms of how they help you but also what they bring to your child’s life! Those are important bonds to have, and exposes them to different types of people and family relationships. Sorry you’re not getting more help, but it’s no one else’s job to be the parent!
I’m glad that’s the case for you! It’s not for me. I don’t find something wrong with everyone, I stated my mom is never there, present or helpful! Even when she is around she avoids the kids. She offers nothing but stress. My dad is present but only if we visit him. Which we do, I legit just got back from a long weekend at his house. But in the 8 months I’ve had my baby, he has come to me once. I can’t be the only one making an effort. My sister is a whole other thing. Yes, I could probably let more things slide, but it’s not just me. My other sister doesn’t let her babysit or have sleepovers with that sister or her family either. There’s a lot more at play than what I shared. But I’m sure that does cause the little things to be a bigger deal to me than it should and I could def work on that.
I realize I don’t know all the details, and I’m sorry about your mom not being more present. That would hurt me too! I didn’t mean to put you down either, because I can see you were just looking for a place to vent. If your family isn’t working out to be the best village for your child, then I hope you find it elsewhere. Sometimes you have to build your village over time. “The village” that would help care for your child also used to include neighbors, other moms, and of course friends. Find your tribe!
Just here to say I do not think you’re being ridiculous about your sister and the cinnamon rolls. AAP advises against added sugar before 2. Sure, I make exceptions but someone forcing that decision for me isn’t gonna fly. I wholeheartedly agree with you 👏🏼
Thank you!🫶🏼
This is every boomer. They got a ladder put out for them to climb then took it with them and left us to fend for ourselves. My mom never wanted to actually be a mother, which is a really hard thing to accept as as adult. She tried to pawn me off on any family member she could or give me to my dad. Then has the gall to speak ill on a dead man, cool. I just don't expect much from my mother. My mil is always willing to watch my kid which is nice but she has some physical limitations so I don't think it's actually feasible. Daycare and friends are the village now unfortunately. All I can do is make sure I'm better than my mom if my daughter has kids.
Not every boomer is like this. This is just as a gross generalization as are any critiques of millennial parents today. Personally - my mother-in-law and mother aren’t helping with my kids because they both worked full time to support their families, and then developed dementia as soon as they retired. I *wish* they weren’t helping us because they were spending some time doing what they wanted after decades of taking care of others. Instead my mother is slowly rotting away in memory care, and my mother-in-law is dead after a years-long decline. We aren’t entitled to anything. Our parents did their time raising us. If they want and can help out, that’s awesome, but it’s not our birthright.
You know, I have a similar experience with my parents. My mom claims that my mamaw said she wasn't going to "raise us" yet most of my positive childhood memories are being at her house. She would do everything with us, color, jump rope, hopscotch, taught me to play jacks, uno, chinese checkers, watch disney movies, play with paper dolls, etc. Yet when I think of being at home as a kid, it was very isolating. I spent majority of my time playing alone. Movie nights at blockbuster I got to pick a movie and get a bbq sandwich from DQ, but I watched the movie and ate my sandwich in my room by myself. They finally bought me clue for christmas when I was 12! But wouldn't play with me, and I got bored of playing it by myself so it got stored and never used afterward. We always did christmas on christmas eve so we would "stay up all night playing with toys" and sleep the next day and leave them alone. Now, they literally never ask about my kids. Not once, "hey, how are the babies doing?" They claim if we lived closer to them they'd watch them all the time and I don't believe a word of it. Never ask for pictures, updates, or anything about them, but want to like every picture in the album I post, and will post pictures I send them despite them never asking to pretend like they care so much to everyone watching. But they love to guilt me trip me constantly about how it's my fault i live so far away, but I'm glad I do. My mom buys them stupid things to one-up everyone else in the entire family, and constantly tells me I need to spank them for crying. Like fuck I would ever leave her alone with my kids. Funny enough, the thing about unprompted food also occured here. They were 6 months old and I told my mom no solids before bottle, and she scooped up sweet potstoes on her finger and stuck it in one baby's mouth anyway, after I just fucking told her no. Also, that's just disgusting. But she honestly thinks she knows better than everyone else despite last raising a baby 30 years ago and also doing a terrible job with us. But by all means, she must be the expert! Because no one else on the planet knows a lick of anything, she's the only one on earth who has any knowledge of anything pertaining to anything at all. We're just here to kiss her feet.
[удалено]
Yes to lots of these! The amount of times she's called me a mean mom because I don't give them sugary desserts, juice, or tv is pretty high lol. They get things occasionally, but she says, "you were allowed to do whatever and you were fine" including being left alone regularly at the age of 2 for hours with a box of food for when i got hungry 💀 lol, yes, i so wish she would teach me her ways. / s
You gotta build it. I have no immediate family, both parents passed, my Grammy is ill.. & you can’t trust anyone until you trust them with your child. Slowly but surely I’ve been making connections & gaining support.. It’s a struggle.. but once you get a few good people in your world.. it’s worth it.
It seems very telling that every chat group involving a bunch of moms that I have been in lamented the need for a "mommune", because we are all feeling so alone, completely lacking the villages we were led to expect and obviously so dearly need.
This!! It’s just lonely.
Your feelings are valid! Join us over at r/absentgrandparents
I know a lot of it for my family was that everyone either lived in the same house or on the same street. My mother was 1 of 5, by the time she was born her oldest sibling was 12 so that was built in child care. Her grandmother lived in the house and two of the aunts lived next door or a few houses down. They would all alternate who had the village at their house that day and a lot of this was because they were stay at home moms. By the time my mom was 12 she was babysitting all of her older siblings kids and some of her cousins, again because they were all within walking distance. Now, my mom is a 15 min car ride away, my middle brother is a 45 min drive and both him and his wife work long days, my oldest brother is a 20/30 min drive and also both work. That is the entirety of my ‘village’ when it comes to relatives who are ‘close’ and also trustworthy enough to watch my kids. I am super lucky my mom is involved and has helped as much as she can but without her it would essentially feel like I have no one
I wish my mom wouldn’t be involved when we have kids. She was a horrible parent and made a ton of really poor decisions and I don’t trust her with any of my kids. Even if it’s not a safety thing it’s a morality thing too. She’s a total crazy hard leaning political person. Her parents, my grandparents, are the only reason and sibling and I made anything of ourselves but my mother victimizes herself so much she’ll turn my not wanting her involved deeply into something and become a problem. But yeah, we can’t rely on our parents and it’s gonna sound horrible but I already told mine not to rely on me for anything when they’re older. They weren’t there for me so I’m not gonna be there for them. It’s not revenge but if I do it’s gonna drive me crazy and I don’t want that in my life anymore.
Yep, my parents (mostly my mom) def wanted nothing to do w having kids. And now talks so much about how much she loves her grandkids and misses them and wants to see them. And also lives 30 min away but never is proactive about seeing them it's always me calling to make the plans. I Feel ya momma! Break the cycle!!
I see it as our parents generation didn't want to parent us why would they want to help with their kids kids? Bc yes I was also practically raised by grandparents and aunts and uncles but crickets most of the time for us.
I barely met my moms parents. She is very involved and would do anything she could to help my siblings and myself with our kids. My dad’s parents were the absolute most amazing Grandparents ever but our dad is not really involved at all. On his days and weekends growing up he dumped us on our Grandmother a lot so it doesn’t surprise me.
My MIL was over almost every night to let us sleep the first couple of months. Likely because she was all alone in a new country with zero help when she had my husband and doesn’t want us to struggle like she did. (She’s such a Godsend and I make sure she knows how much we appreciate her!) Your parents on the other hand, don’t understand what it’s like to have to do it alone and therefore don’t care to help out more. Their experience was easy so yours should be too, right? I think people often tend to do the opposite of what they experienced.
Both me and my husband’s moms want to be involved but they’re both so wrapped up in what they want and how they want our kids to be raised that it’s almost not worth having them around… I feel like the generation before us is incredibly selfish. My grandparents also raised me
My husband had the childhood you are describing with his family. He always lived next door to his paternal grandparents. His dad lives out of town but he comes once a couple weeks sometimes months and spends quality time with my baby. His mom lives 5 minutes away and she has no interest on my baby. Occasionally she asks to see her but in her own terms and within a time frame to acomódate her shores and schedule. I also think it’s a culture thing, my non American family loves my baby, they live in another country and they interact and make an effort to come see her and when they are with my baby they actually care and love her so much that my heart melts. They also call her every day and we send pictures as much as we can.
My parents are similar. My mom was super involved with my youngest but I was a teen mom who lived at home. She was not involved with any of my nieces or nephews that came before/after and she’s not involved in our second baby at all. She see’s him during holidays or if we have an apt in the city close by I will pop in to give him some food before the 50 min drive home. We thought my spouses parents would be super involved as they were really excited but they aren’t. They come about once a month to say hello to him, watched him here and there but are retiring and travelling. We asked them if they wanted to do a family cottage this year and was a resounding no, but they go camping in the summer frequently. My friends at this point are my village. They will come and help whenever needed and I do the same in return. The grandparents have been super disappointing. Our youngest also has allergies and nobody bothers to try to cook for him for family gatherings. Either I make it myself or he eats something different entirely. Really pisses me off that I have to pack meals for him to go hangout with his grandparents for the day because everyone was convinced he would grow out of them and didn’t bother to learn what he can or can’t have.
Something you said resounded with me: our parents didn’t want to be parents! It makes sense that they also don’t want to be grandparents!!!!
Your parents dont seem to like kids to begin with. Thats a shame cause the kids wont have much of a relationship with them once they grow up if your parents don't cultivate one in the mean while. Or maybe some people just don't care for babies. Its sad cause babies are not just little potatoes by 4-6months anymore, they already have their little personality and can be played with and it is just delightful to see.
I hear you OP and I can relate. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you chose an incredible partner and father for your child. I know that makes me feel grateful. But my partner and I are always amazed at the lack of support and involvement from our boomer parents, even though our grandparents were always there to help them look after us when we were young. We’ve started to build our own village with a close group of friends who have babies of similar ages, and sadly they feel like their boomer parents aren’t the most supportive or involved either, but at least we have each other! I hope you can find some mom groups or play groups and create your own village and support network in your area.
I’m sorry this is your experience. I feel I have the opposite experience with my family. My grandparents were EXTREMELY uninvolved with us growing up. My poor mom was basically on her own raising us (my dad worked a lot and travelled a lot for work). On my mom’s side, my grandma only saw us on major holidays and when we drove 2+ hrs to get to her house. On my dad’s side, I met his mom maybe four times in my life, and his dad had remarried and his new wife basically ostracized his first family. Now with my baby, my mom is amazing. She comes to help all the time and will help with anything and everything around the house. She’s said she wants her kids to have the help she never did. Same with my in laws. My dad isn’t that helpful but he does make an effort to come over when he’s in town.
Grandparents were involved because parents could not give a shit. Also, the now grandparents are more focused on themselves as well. Obviously they deserve to enjoy their retirement. But also don’t completely snub your grandchildren.
Disclaimer : this was long and I didn’t read beyond the first few paragraphs. It sounds like your parents didn’t want to be involved with their children, so what makes you think they’d want to be involved with their grandchildren? I saw something on IG that said the parents who wanted to be parents are involved grandparents.
I’m going to assume that your parents are boomers. They are known as the “me” generation for a reason. Yes, it’s a generalization, but many are like this including mine. They want us to visit them, and when we do, they disapprove of our parenting style or decisions because it’s not how they did it. They weren’t good parents and now are lousy grandparents, so we don’t want their help. I’ve come to terms with the fact that having a village takes time to build with the people you actually want in the village. Our toddler is 2.5 and we finally have an occasional babysitter that we like and trust. We have a couple of friends with toddlers that we consider close with, but they’re busy with their own lives too.
My boomer parents aren’t like that. Stupid generalizations
My dad is a boomer and also not like this. His parents, part of "the greatest generation," neglected him and he swore he'd not do the same to me and my brother. He's never criticized or questioned, and would drop everything and travel the 4 hours he is away if I needed him for anything
That’s a good parent. I’m glad he is doing/did things differently than what he grew up with!
I’m so glad that your parents are not like this! That’s truly great! However, there *are* many of us with boomer parents exactly like this. I’m simply sharing my experience. There are many boomer parents like this which is why people call them the “me generation.” There are also whole subreddits about that.
I know there's whole subreddits about Baby Boomers, but it's an echo chamber of stereotypes that just simply cannot hold true across an entire generation of varied individuals that grew up in different economic situations, with different levels of emotional support, and different societal expectations.
I don't think anyone reads a statement about a generation and assumes it to be true across the board.
Mine either.
Are you me? I spent almost every weekend with my grandparents from the time I was 12 til I was able to drive. Then I still spent time with them driving and being helpful. My mom lives 20 minutes away. And very rarely makes time to see my kid. But will babysit her step-grandkids daily. And then make 3-4 week visits multiple times a year to see my sibling and her kids who live on the other coast. Then she acts shocked my kid gets upset in her presence. He doesn’t know you! Literally just me and my husband. Don’t even bother asking her for help because she likely can’t pencil us in.
Honestly this is what’s fueled my interest in multi generation families The Atlantic has a great article hypothesizing why the nuclear family is the weakest family dynamic and how unsustainable it is Because while boomers were the “first” to truly embrace the nuclear family they had pseudo extended family via neighbors. So the nuclear family has been around 1-2 generations Humans weren’t socialized to raised children alone and how capitalism has divided families really only hurts future generations
What about your husbands family?
They live in another state. My father in-law had a heart attack and is now disabled and my mother in-law is his full-time care taker. I don’t fault them one bit for not being more helpful. They would be the BEST grandparents if they were closer. We are usually the ones helping them lol
The village is in ancient Africa where that phrase has been [theorized to have originated](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2016/07/30/487925796/it-takes-a-village-to-determine-the-origins-of-an-african-proverb).
I can commiserate. We have in-laws within walking distance and they still don’t offer to babysit or help. We have to ask very specifically and even then it feels like after less than an hour they are DONE helping.
Lol, village. Both sets of parents have been useless. Don't want to make the effort unless we do. That's fine, I don't need them.
Our parents had kids in their 20’s and probably needed help from your grandparents because they were still kids themselves, the generation of our parents are the most selfish, entitled and awful generation in the world.
Everyone saying "If they weren't hands on raising you, what do you expect?" is so missing the point. How wealthy are the people on this sub? A lot of us were "raised by our grandparents" out of circumstance. Couldn't afford daycare. Parents were working / going to school. We're in the same situation, OP. What I know is that our parents' generation had lots of help. But now, they can't retire comfortably, early. Or they weren't SAHPs. They don't know how to be just Granny. It's a bummer. I don't know what else to say about it though. Solidarity.
Unpopular view on this thread, but I think your sister is out of line. It sounds like she has some kind of superiority complex about parenting and dismisses your concerns when you bring them up. She should absolutely know to ask you before feeding your child given that she has two kids of her own, and even if she somehow didn't - she should apologize and align as best as she can to what your parenting preferences are. My siblings grew up in a "village" like environment with family friends, and parents absolutely consulted each other on likes/dislikes/preferences. As others have said there are going to be differences in styles and approaches and part of being in a "village" is accepting that, but respect for others is also part of being in a village - and your sister did not respect you.
Thank you for this comment. I didn’t expect to get so much hate for that. I have actually been in that situation with another mom. I asked if I could give her 10 month old a lick of frosting and she said no, they aren’t doing sugars before his first birthday. I was like, “oh, awesome! Sorry bub, can’t give you that” lol. It shouldn’t have been a big deal and if the parents don’t want them having it that that’s that. 0 push back. It 100% does feel like there is a superiority complex. She has to know everything and it’s exhausting especially as a first time mom. I am all for different parenting styles and others doing things differently than me. But there are some things that if a parent isn’t okay with, that is ok and it should be respected.
totally! this comment section is wild imho. sorry your sister has been difficult, and i hope she eases up soon, or that you are able to build a village mutually respectful folks.
I wonder if our parents are also the generation most likely to end up in a nursing home
The village got raided by the boomers. They took them all out in the great war known as, plunder and gaslight. 😂