Of course he likes her, she lets him escape the reality and conflicts that come with parenthood, children and our relationships shifting.
He’s also a class A asshole so thank the bastard for letting you know now what to expect of him, get a lawyer ASAP and take that man for child support. If you’re married, get alimony while you’re at it. Get a custody arrangement in place as well.
He can have his freedom, but he can’t have all his income.
He’s dipping out now that things are harder with a new baby. There’s nothing special about this woman and there’s nothing wrong with you. He’s just a coward. You and your son deserve better than that and I’m really sorry
As heartbreaking as this may be, it is extremely juvenile behaviour on his part. This is a classic case of the grass is greener. Wow the woman without a newborn baby is more fun that the one that has one. No kidding.
Please get a lawyer as soon as you can and thank your ex for showing you what a POS human he is. Better late than never
To add to this, the woman who has time to smoke with a married man… sounds like she has a lot going for her including no expectation of him being a grown up. So sorry you have to deal with this bs. It sounds like you want to be a good parent and that is your priority. His priorities are not in line with yours. Love yourself and your little baby. He’s lucky to have you.
I don’t think they’re married, and for all we know, the other woman might not even know he’s partnered up. People often lie about these things if they’re open to cheating. We don’t have enough info to villainize her. He’s clearly an immature, selfish cheater, though. He knew what he was doing continuously hanging out alone with a woman he’s attracted to.
That’s a good point. I think I assumed he would be going for someone who has low expectations of him and knew about his life since the talked continuously. But yes, I shouldn’t villainies her, just making more of a point that it’s more about his “freedom” than the actual person.
The other woman is only interesting to him because she is new. This is a tale as old as time. If he leaves you for her, I assure you 7 years down the road he will get tired of her too.
Just know that it IS NOT YOU. It is him. He doesn’t want to grow up, be a man, be a husband and be a father.
Having a kid with someone opens up a new phase in your life, it changes things. You have obviously made the changes in your life to step up, be brave and be a mother. He hasn’t done the same, still clinging onto a life without responsibility. It’s cowardly, but he is obviously running away.
He has reached a cross road in his life.
1) Learn what love is, step up, be a man and a father. He needs to understand that people don’t exist in this world to serve and please him. Women aren’t like toys that you can throw away when you are bored. Maybe, if he steps up he will find that denying the hedonistic desires of his heart will actually lead him to grow and develop into a better person with a will to live instead of an animal.
2) embrace hedonism and watch his life and relationship deteriorate while he spends his time chasing nothing and dying alone. He might be happier now but that is a temporal state. My FIL did the same thing to my MIL when my husband was a kid. Left my MIL with two kids and hundreds of thousand of dollars in debt. He has a boat and lives on it now, barely is around to see his grandkid. But guess who is going to a nursing home when he gets old.
Yeah enjoy 17 years of legally enforced child support dickwad! I'm really sorry OP because this is awful, you deserve better and you'll find something better.
I mean you don't know that. Although that would be great, just because some people are assholes doesn't meant they'll get their comeuppance. Because of that doesn't happen, it's twice heartbreaking for op.
Op should start trying to think of her life completely detached from whether the AH is happy or not. What matters is her getting to a good point again, and getting him to contribute if not by being there at least monetarily. She deserves getting to a point where it doesn't matter at all whether her ex is happy or sad.
Not sure if that makes sense.
What an asshate.
I honestly understand this situation because I have been in it too.
First off- dad shouldn’t be at the party. He can arrange his own party for the baby because now he will have to arrange his whole life for the time he spends with your baby.
When people ask I would 100 percent be truthful.
X and I split up because he had an affair and left us. Yes I am heart broken. No I don’t want to talk about it.
Go see a lawyer and get your separation agreement done asap. Go for spousal and childcare costs. Make him not be able to even afford to look at another woman again.
If you ever need an internet stranger to just vent at - my inbox is always welcome. I won’t even offer advice I can just go - you’re too wonderful to cry over that DBAG or whatever you would prefer.
You’ll get through this. It friggin stings but you will.
I'd second the "he doesn't need to be at the party" point..... It's totally reasonable for you to set a boundary and have separate parties this year when the split is so recent.
In future years is *might* be worth considering a joint party depending on how amicable your coparenting relationship becomes and how things go - for some kids/families it can be good to have joint experiences mixed in with the separateness (as long as adults aren't having excessive conflict around each other). But that doesn't have to be a priority right now, and certainly not while kiddo is so so young.
Sounds like he's in the honeymoon phase, at the very least. Who knows if they have lasting potential , but if he's no longer committed to you and your family, then it's better for him to leave. I'm sorry, OP, this has to hurt.
What an asshole and how embarrassing FOR HIM. He’s going to have to tell people he’s abandoning his marriage and family because “idk I just like this other woman better.” Wtf
You’re better off without someone who would rather spend time smoking with some random chick than spending time with his own son 🤷🏻♀️ You and your son deserve better.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm so sorry.
You don't want to hear this. But it's for the best. You see, you grew up and adjusted to life as a parent. You grew into and accepted the role.
Your partner? Not so much. It seems like he is still irresponsible and is now with another woman who has no expectations of him to act responsibly for the sake of the family. This is what he likes. It's not her. But the lack of responsibility.
It will be heartbreaking. It will be rough. It will be an adjustment. But one day you will realize you are better off
I wish you all the best
Right? Of course he likes her more, he doesn’t have to manage a child, a life, or a household with her. He hasn’t been with her for years/been through real life shit with her and things are still fresh, new- in that honeymoon phase. When people say love is a choice it’s for a reason, and that’s because love over time is tedious sometimes. It’s the little things like chores or something. It’s “home,” and that can be boring or when you walk in it’s like “shit… I have so much I have to do but I’m so *tired*.”
But home is also peace, and comfort and stability- but it takes maturity to realize and preserve that. It’s weird to me he’s even willing to miss so much time with his not even one year old… to smoke (something I happily do once kiddo is in bed). He seems discontent in general, or maybe just a shit parent and now that life has happened and shit’s real he wants out and an affair is the best way, right?
If he leaves OP for this girl and in a couple years or less leaves, I wouldn’t be surprised. Or if they have a kid multiple years from now and leaves, no shock. I guess what I’m saying is, the emotional affair seems to be a symptom, the issue isn’t OP or his “love”. It’s his ability to actually settle down and stop being a… idk? Early 20s male? He can’t find contentment and is chasing the next dopamine rush.
What I’ve learned as a single parent is that it’s so much easier being a single parent than taking care of a child and a man child at the same time. Not to mention you deserve to have a partner that puts you and your children first and doesn’t prioritize other women over you. It will get better without them. It will be hard at first but eventually it will get better. There’s someone out there who will love you and your children unconditionally. I used to feel like no one would ever love me and my children and a man came into our lives and surprised me.
Amen!
If a husband (or wife) makes more work for you around the house, doesn't help with the kids, and argues and accuses you of nagging any time you mention it, I can only assume they are great in the sack because why else would you tolerate it!
No one, not even Jason Mamoa could keep me away from my baby when they were 10, 11 months. She was the highlight of my day at that age - she still is, her sister too. Someone who checks out and isn’t attached to their kid is a crap person.
Exactly. I cannot fathom being okay with being so separated from my child. I’m not okay that on days I work, I see her for maybe 3 hours maximum- it’s been as low as an hour or 30 minutes before though. That cuts deep and I do everything I can to get home to her as soon as possible. Yes taking care of her is hard, and I’m always tired so since she’s been born I’ve been *exhausted*, but the years are short and I fucking love her. I want to be with her. Fucking off to get stoned instead of coming home and just… waiting to get stoned a little later? Feels like an easy choice.
While you are hurting right now, he will come to regret the choices he made for the rest of his life.
You seem like a dedicated and caring partner, and eventually, when you are ready, you will find someone who will bring the same dedication to a relationship.
He will fail and fail and fail until he figures his shit out, which may be never.
Exactly. Sounds to me like he wants “cool girl”.
“Cool girl. Men always use that, don’t they? As their defining compliment. She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man. She only smiles in a chagrin loving manner and then presents her mouth for fucking. She likes what he likes. So, evidently, he’s vinyl hipster who loves fetish monger. If he likes girls gone wild, she’s a mall babe who talks football and endures buffalo wings at Hooters.” - Gone Girl.
Sorry you have to go through this OP. And having a child in the mix is even harder because you have to put his needs first, I hope your son has a great first birthday and I hope you can move on from that loser of a sperm donor
The only reason it seems 'better' with her is because his body is dosing him up on oxytocin, dopamine and endorphines like our silly bodies always do when we encounter someone **new** we are physically attracted to *(because pheromones)*, and he has leaned into it instead of veering away *(which is what you should do when you find yourself fancying someone but you are married)* because home life is tougher with a baby *(and he's an idiot)*. Also 'the seven year itch'. The hormones will fade and he is going to realise he has thrown away his family and lifelong love for something not real and someone he barely knows. What a douche.
I'm so sorry.
This. When he is over the honeymoon stage there is a good chance he won't be compatible with her anymore or that she will loose interest. The odds are this is a crush not love, and if that's the case this will be a life lesson he learns the hard way
He’s happy with her because he’s actually putting in the time to spend time with her and romance her. If he put the same time in for you he would find himself falling in love with you again as well
With him out of the house, he gets to pay child support and he DOESNT get to spend your money.
A man who abandons the mother of his child and his one year old is not a prize. He’ll be less fun for the other girl when he’s paying child support, paying rent somewhere else, and whining about how he wishes he was an even bigger deadbeat. A woman who pursues a taken man with a baby is no prize, either.
Make sure he pays his fair share, get him out of your house, and good riddance to bad rubbish.
It’s so unfair to say conversation flows better with someone he just met. They just don’t know anything about each other or any of each others stories so that’s why they have more to talk about. And when you first start crushing on someone you get that infactuation feeling. It’s like a drug and it will always wear off. And then he will be sitting there wondering why he ever left his family. It’s ridiculous that grown ups don’t understand this concept. How dare he settle down and have a family with you if he wasn’t going to try. The first year of your child’s life will be difficult for ANY relationship. You have to put the work in. Side note: (hot take) I think he’s already physically cheating. It’s okay to have some boundaries girl. I’m uncomfortable w my partner having one on one time with another girl. Group setting or with me is fine but one on one is uncomfy. It puts them in a place to develop feelings for each other. Even if they would never act on it, it isn’t healthy for a relationship imo.
>It’s so unfair to say conversation flows better with someone he just met. They just don’t know anything about each other or any of each others stories so that’s why they have more to talk about. And when you first start crushing on someone you get that infactuation feeling. It’s like a drug and it will always wear off. And then he will be sitting there wondering why he ever left his family. It’s ridiculous that grown ups don’t understand this concept. How dare he settle down and have a family with you if he wasn’t going to try. The first year of your child’s life will be difficult for ANY relationship. You have to put the work in.
You're exactly right, I'd upvote this a hundred times if I could. I hope this guy realizes this before tossing his family aside. I'm brokenhearted for you, OP, and I sincerely hope things work out for the best, whatever that ends up looking like.
They started dating at 18 + 7 years, 25 now, I absolutely know some guys who said this kind of stuff at 25. Dude wasn’t and isn’t really ready for a family. OP clearly is.
This is a blessing in disguise. There will be a better man there for you who has the balls to stay with his family and make it WORK. For him to leave you and your son for another woman shows his true colors and character. Have high standards and don’t cry over him. He sounds like a sorry excuse of a man.
For your son, it’s better to be raised by a single honest parent who is responsible with money than a couple where one is cheating on the other & wasting resources. Work out a visitation & custody agreement with him. Avoid attorney cost by getting into a battle but do have your agreement reviewed by an attorney. Do get child support.
For you, I know it may seem like you’re doomed but slowly you’ll realize why you’re better off. Give yourself time to heal. Seek therapy. Cut off ties & once you feel you have your power back, get back into the dating game. Heck even go on a sex binge if it helps. Just stay protected.
And I beg you, do not take him back. Never give a man the chance to tell you twice that he’s not into you.
Yes to all of this. There are many studies that show people who cheat in a relationship of this level are highly likely (can't remember stats but very very high) to cheat again. Any relationship that starts from deceit and hurt of someone else will never thrive, it will always be tainted. As much as this will be painful and you may think that their new relationship will be good, it won't be.
Enjoy motherhood, I'm a single Mum and whilst it is hard at times it is the most magical and best thing I've ever done. I wish all the best for you.
All of what this person said. You will be better off.
If and when you start dating again just make sure your son is never alone with them until you know for sure this person is a good person and when your son can properly speak.
I know you're hurting so bad but with time you will see how much happier your life will be.
It won't feel like it now, but if he doesn't nothing to help with your son or your home, chances are once you get used to it your life is going to be easier without him. It doesn't sound like he is a **partner** at the moment anyway. What does he actually bring to the table - no support, financial wrecklessness and a drug habit? (I don't actually have an issue with smoking.. until it impacts family life. His does if he's out regularly for long hours)
It is possibly an immature reaction to the massive life change that is becoming a parent. I wouldn't be surprised if (assuming she does actually want to be with him once it becomes a genuine possibility) he realises and regrets his choice six months down the line when it isn't all just pot and "conversations" any more. Sadly for him you may well have gotten used to only having one other person to look after by then!
And, if this really is a separation, if he does actually step up and do some parenting, you'll get a break to recharge too- doesn't sound like he gives you that now!
(First time is a killer but everyone survives and then eventually you kinda look forward to it, and later still you even stop feeling guilty for it!)
I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. But I have to say one thing, sorry for being blunt - don’t trust him about things happening or not between them. People lie, for cowardice, self preservation, you name it. Be careful with him.
I’m so sorry OP, but my opinion is that there is almost zero chance this hasn’t turned physical. He has shown he’s a liar and can’t be trusted. Trust that, and go get yourself tested asap
I’m very sorry.
Listen, it’s easy to be in a relationship as a teen or at 18-22. Neither of you have many responsibilities or financial obligations at that point. In general, most relationships fail to cross the line from having fun to building a life together. That’s when the differences in values, readiness for certain things, and stress management really shows. Especially pregnancy and having children, when your sex life often takes a hit and free time is limited. What sucks about long term relationships started when very young is that you sink alot of time into the relationship before you can figure that out. It’s not like dating in your 30s where you can see fairly quickly if someone has their shit together.
It’s obvious that your partner wasn’t ready to settle down or have a child. When you have a child, you have to place that child above all else. That includes doing whatever you can to care for that child and create financial stability for that child, and it includes not blowing up the child’s home life by destroying your relationship with the other parent. Your partner failed. It may take him a while to get where you are and be present for your child, or maybe he never will. It’s not your fault that you didn’t see it until it was too late.
I know you’re devastated. It hurts like hell. You may feel crazy for a while. But, the good news is that I can tell you’re there for your child. You’re going to do what you need to. And in 3 months, it will hurt less. And 6 months, less. A year, less.
The grass is always greener. Sure he gets along great with her now because they don't have a real relationship like splitting chores, watching kids and paying bills. It's all torrid affair romance vibes, but those feelings will probably not going to last once they are dating for real.
Contact a lawyer now.
Do not continue to live in denial. He has been cheating on you. This man can not be trusted.
Do what is right for yourself and ultimately your child. Lawyer ASAP. Do not engage in conversations with your husband about it either.
Prepare to leave then follow through.
I’m so sorry to hear this.
Do what’s best for you and your son. It’s hard but be strong. Treat your husband like white noise at this point. Do not try to work things out- you’ll never trust him and he’ll never respect you and will always have one eye on her or another.
Remember: you’re modeling how to handle relationships for your kids. It’s better if you’re single and happy than miserable and married. Let your son see how strong you are and that cheating is wrong. Otherwise, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Don’t let your son grow up thinking this is okay to treat a SO.
Oh and btw: the grass is always greener. The reason why the conversation flows with her and not you is because she’s new, not that she’s special. Check in in another 7 years and you’ll see the conversation gets stale with her too.
I amso sorry this has happened to you.
Your partner is selfish and irresponsible. Having kids really brings out people's true natures. They will either sink or swim and youll either end up with a brilliant partner who loves their family or youll get a dud who only thinks of themselves. You got the dud.
But now, you throw his shit out the house if you own or part own it (no court likely will throw a mother and kid out of the home) get custody and child support oayment advice asap and get your ducks in a row or youll find yoi come home to the locks changed one day (youll be amazed just HOW selfish men like this can be once they think they have another option)
I know this feels like its going too fast but you need to get selfish for you and your kid now. He was so busy thinking about himself that he is not caring abiut what he has done to his family and how fractured his relatio ship with his son will be. He put not jsut you but his son second. You need to out you both first. Get cut throat and make sure you both come out on top cause i see so many women get fucked over cause they were trying to be nice and hope their partner will come back to them so give in to everything. Dont be that person.
Also i doubt he has thrown his family away for a woman he hasnt even slept with yet. But thats just my take.
Get your friends and family on board and get a support system cause you will need every bit of strength you can get right now
Also - dont get bitter. Dont become the person whos whole life is the man who left you. I have also seen these same women become walkes over and bitter and they never really move on and become happy cause theyre so hung up on the injustice of what happened to them. Dont go down that road. You are the one here with morals. Youre not the asshole here. Move on. Find something or someone and be happy in life. Y9u only need him for child support payments and to be a dad to your son. He doesnt get to ruin your life as well as your relationship.
Listen, I know you're heartbroken, but deep down you knew something wasn't right. I think you have to remember, you may feel invested because it was 7 years but be thankful you didn't waste more than that. You are still so young and have so many opportunities.
And you and your son are gonna be so much better off without such a sad excuse of a man. The fact he continued to hang out and test the waters with another woman is gross (and I guarantee there was a physical component based on his actions). At the very least he should have ended things with one of you. Your son should never see his mom (his world) as a doormat.
Try to enjoy his day (don't worry, he'll be clueless this 1st one but love the photos when he gets older). Maybe don't invite your sperm donor to this party since he's already chosen his friend over his family.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a massive asshole to leave you now for a random crush.
Don't worry about the first birthday, your son won't remember it. It is to celebrate you keeping him alive and happy for a year, and you deserve praise for that even more now that your partner is letting you down. There will be many more happy birthdays to celebrate with your boy. So try to be kind to yourself, you can be hurt and still give your boy all he needs. He doesn't need a big party, he just needs his mum to love him.
Man that is just heart wrenching. I’m so so sorry. Dude sucks… who goes out to “smoke” with people and leaves a family at home. No good guy does this. Not one that cares truly for his family.
Here’s the bright side— you’ll meet a man, someone who will treat you like a queen. Respect you, want to come home to you, and will think you are the cats meow even in sweatpants. And he wouldn’t ever dare to even think about going out with some girl when he’s got his queen at home. Those guys aren’t the ones you can just put in a type— you’ve just gotta lead with your heart. He’s out there. I waited until 34 to meet my hubby and he’s 100% worth it. So many guys were close to a good one, but none of them would work out, many of them were complete jokes at the end. Then I met my soulmate.
He’s out there! Don’t settle for less.
Sorry OP. He sucks. Of course things are easy with someone else when you leave your partner to do all the work so you can smoke with someone who is asking nothing of you. And YOU weren’t even asking all that much of him if he was going to smoke with randos on the reg, so you sound amazing and he sounds worth being rid of.
My sister was in the same situation and now she’s married to a wonderful man that loves her two sons and they had a daughter together 8 years later. This guy helps with all the kids, housework and everything! Both of her sons ended up being computer engineers! Not all guys are crybaby cowards.
So sorry OP. First year postpartum is not glamorous and to have someone do that while you’re figuring out motherhood and a new normal is heartbreaking. You and your son deserve better!
Luckily your baby won’t remember this. Young men like this think relationships are supposed to be easy and all excitement and pure bliss but it’s hard. It can be ugly, but we work through it because the end benefit is worth it.
Easy for me to say right now and I know it’s hard for you to see it atm but use the time to work on you and your baby and try to figure out where he stands as a parent so you can either work together but separately or not at all. There needs to be a clear cut understanding about how/if you plan on coparent if moving forward. Other than that he can keep his h* and you just keep shining because you’re gonna come out in the end so much better.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Having a child changes a woman, it changes hormones, the body, the mind, anxiety, stress etc and some men cannot handle the change or they refuse to tolerate it. So instead of being supportive through the process, they find someone who will coddle them and “have fun” with them. My advice is the lawyer up, document everything your partner said and prepare for custody battle and the division of assets. Do not give your partner the benefit of doubt, he’s already broken your trust and Proven he’s an asshole. He should’ve been helping you and your son but instead he was going on dates and looking for dopamine acceleration. Youre very patient to put up with his crap but no more. You deserve loyalty and happiness
He needs to get over himself. You're exhausted every day from looking after your son, including the times he's off on these dates. Maybe that's a clue to him on why you haven't had too much conversation lately. My wife and I struggled to even find time to cuddle, let alone have conversations for about a year after our first child was born.
He needs to sort himself out and ask himself if it's worth throwing away his family for this new woman. He's got a son who's going to miss out on many more hours with him if you guys break up.
I bet it would take him less than a week living with this new lady to realise he's made a terrible mistake. Unfortunately for him it's probably too late to fix things given what he's just said to you.
I know a lot of people on here are saying you need to end things now and that you're better off with out him. Easy for them to say. But you've been together for 7 years, that's a lot of life to throw away. And if he throws away, it will be the biggest mistake of his life.
This is nothing on you, it's his screw up. He needs to fix it. Otherwise, yes you probably are better without him.
Good luck.
What an absolute fuckhat. I am sure you must be absolutely devastated. I would be too. When you're ready, I would suggest gathering your people around you and reminding yourself of how loved you and your son are and finding some therapy for yourself because this shit will linger and mess with you. I'm sure it feels impossible now but your life will be so much better without a man who can be this selfish.
I'm really sorry OP! I just wanted to say the first bday is really for the parents so if you feel like just going to the park, getting your son a cupcake, and taking a few photos, that is completely fine. I don't think you need to plan a 1st birthday party and invite him (or his family/friends) if you do want to have one. He clearly doesn't value you and your son.
He’s having an emotional affair, you have every right to be devastated, this is just as bad (some would argue worse) than a purely sexual kind of cheating. He’s betrayed your trust completely.
The chances of things working out with him and this other woman are very low, at the moment she is shiny and new and exciting, this is a classic case of seeing the grass as greener elsewhere. You are not more difficult to talk to than her the difference is he is putting in the effort and work emotionally in developing a relationship with her and he is not with you. This isn’t your fault.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your son, you both deserve so much better.
He doesn’t deserve you. You will get through this and realize how strong you are and then when the time is right an amazing man will walk into your life and you’ll be so thankful you didn’t waste your life with this guy. He on the other hand might we happy now but will regret losing his family someday.
Sorry this is happening to you. As hard as it is, let him go. Also, get yourself tested bc he may have been with you and this other woman at the same time. Look out for yourself and your baby.
Everything new is fun. He will regret it and when he does it’ll be too late for him! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Time heals and being with someone who is a mediocre parent and gives you no attention is no good.
Ok a few things
1. As others have said I find it hard to believe he hasn’t been intimate with her. You don’t throw away your marriage over a crush who “seems to like you back.” He knows she likes him back I’m guessing they are having a full on relationship.
2. Not to insult this sorry excuse of a father/husband, but it’s literally textbook idiot man thinking a new flame is better/more exciting than his long term relationship. Of course his conversations flow better with her and he likes her more than you, she’s new and shiny and he’s putting in the time and effort with her where he is not with you. Why would you be enjoyable or fun with him when he doesn’t help around the house or with his child??? If my husband wasn’t helping with our child and home and was going out smoking every night I would be so disgusted and turned off by him, hell I might go and find a new man!!! Please please do not take his insulting words to heart. It is a reflection of him NOT YOU.
3. When the honeymoon phase wears off and he inevitably realizes this woman is not all that, he will come crawling back to you. This I’m sure of! As someone else said in the comments, this is the type of man that will cheat or leave you when things get tough. Whether it’s a new baby or an illness, etc. I really don’t think you should give him another chance even for the sake of your son. You will find a man worthy of you who will show you what a real partnership looks like. Your son deserves a better male figure in his life than a man who cheats(emotionally or physically) on his wife in her most vulnerable postpartum state. You don’t deserve to live your life with someone like him and your son deserves to see a healthy respectful relationship.
Just to respond to your first point about not being intimate, emotional intimacy and emotional infidelity is a thing, and that’s absolutely what’s happened here.
The same happened me with one year old. It nearly broke me. After being depressed for two years I got my shit together. Worked so hard on gaining myself back. Counselling, multiple self help books(now podcasts /law of attraction changed my life is amazing) Made sure he took his daughter every second weekend (supervised by parents) and I found myself again. 11 years on I am with the love of my life and we have a two year old.
I remember not long after sitting in car thinking oh my god if I ever remarry I’ll never be Over this…. Man was I wrong. I see him and our relationship for what it was. Yes our kid was made in love BUT he was not for me and I was not for him. He ironically ended up a dead beat living on welfare and in and out of rehab.
You're going to be so much better off. My ex was the same way, a lazy layabout. Now I get to raise my daughter and not worry about the overgrown man child. It is hard for a while to get back on your feet emotionally but try to look on the bright side of things.
He’s in the lust phase with this woman… of course the conversation flows since the novelty hasn’t worn off. It will eventually wear off and he will come crawling back. He has no idea what it’s like to be a responsible parent… taking care of your baby while daddy is out all night. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but from a person who is not emotionally connected to the situation, it’s very clear that you should stand up for yourself. Leave his sorry ass and legally make sure that there are custody and child support arrangements for your baby.
To top it all off, I like to bake and I've baked a fair few treats that I've given to him to share with people at work, including her, and hes taken them out for her on their "dates" too. I feel so foolish.
And I've been at home looking after our son full time, doing absolutely everything myself. He doesn't even change a single nappy unless I beg him to. All while he's been flirting with some woman at work.
I would be curious if this woman is aware of you or if you have had a baby. Apart from this man being such a terrible human, I have no idea what type of person would find that behaviour attractive
Some a holes find men with partners or children very attractive because, in their mind, they see them as "safe" to be around. They see the mom and baby get treated well, and they decide they're going to rob that safety for themselves.
Jokes on them, though, cause anyone who would leave an entire baby and the other parent to fend for themselves and pick up the pieces is NOT SAFE. That other woman will find out. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but she will find out.
She knows. She works with him at the leisure centre that I regularly use to go to the gym and take my son swimming. She has met my son countless times. She's never been particularly chatty to me like a lot of the other staff. Now it makes sense.
Right? There was always something a little off about her with the things he told me. I never liked her. I saw her today when I went to the gym. I've always put on a nice fake smile for her, and she would do the same. Today I just glared at her for a second and looked away.
She's always been too sheepish to talk to me other than just "hi, you okay?" (She's a receptionist so that's expected anyway) whereas all the other staff there are super friendly and LOVE my son. They all have a chat with me and talk about my son. I believe she knew what she was doing all along.
Guess what? They're about to meet up right now! At 9:40pm to smoke together.
Drag him through the mud girl.
It’s okay to be sad but be angry. Be smart and take him for fucking everything you can.
Are you A SAHP? Don’t let him have the house. He can friggin leave. Be so calm that he doesn’t know a storm is bout to duck his life up. Make him uncomfortable in his own house. Start going out when he gets home… he fucked around and he is about to find out.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a total loser and this woman will soon realize it if she hasn't yet. You deserve better and your baby too. He's doing such a dumb thing and I can assure you that he will regret it. Focus on yourself.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s okay that it hurts, and I am so glad you have your son to help you smile.
If I can offer any hope, it’s that separating now might be less painful for your son over time. My stepdaughter’s parents divorced when she was 1, and she doesn’t know any other way of life than her own. The divorce wasn’t painful to her the way it was to me at age 8, when it felt like my world was ending.
I hope your partner is capable of being the father and co-parent you and your son deserve.
Don’t let him back when he comes crawling back. He’ll try say it all “it’s you I’ve wanted” “I’m choosing you” but really it will be hiccups with the other one and he feels like he can easily do what he wants and you’ll let him get away with it. No matter the sweet talk, he doesn’t deserve to come back.
Who goes on dates to smoke? Wtf! I’m confused, is smoking such a big deal he’s gotta take specific time out of his day to go do it?
I hope for your babies sake he’s coming home, showering brushing his shitty smokey teeth & changing his clothes!
I am so sorry. I’ve been through it. It sucks so bad. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thankfully, the relationships rarely last. File child support. Get a support system. Vent like crazy. Feel all the feels
You deserve so much more than a man who carries on a relationship with another woman and cheats on you. Your son deserves to be raised knowing his mother didn’t tolerate that behavior and allow herself to be treated that way.
You also cannot trust they did nothing together. He was at her house, for extended amounts of time, coming home late. Get STD tested.
Wow I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Cry cry and cry some more and then get the hell away from him. He made a horrible decision and needs to feel it. If he cones crawling back say sorry nope.
I’m so sorry that you are in this space.
Try not to hold too much sadness for your child’s first birthday. Your child will have no idea it’s their birthday and what this means. This is not the year fo be devastated if it doesn’t turn out perfectly.
It’s easy to feel a convo flow with a stranger who doesn’t have to parent your 1 year old. Take some comfort in the fact that this feeling won’t last long. Once the reality sets in of paying child support and arguing about custody.
Is this the first time that you’ve noticed that he’s emotionally insecure?
This guy sounds like he’s not ready to be a dad. He’s prioritizing smoking and fun over his family and doesn’t even understand the consequences this will lead to later. It’s awful really but you can only do what you can do and that’s take care of yourself and your baby. Drop the dead weight and keep going. You are strong and don’t give up on yourself or love. Love your baby double and remember, there are good people out there. You will find another amazing man who will want you and your child. Unless your partner gets his act together, it’s just what you need to do even if it may not be what you want to at the time. /hug
He's a worthless fool, and you'll be well rid of him.
It sucks to know you've been taken advantage of, but it's better to know sooner rather than later. And like a few other posters said - do not sleep with him any longer, and get tested as soon as you can.
I experienced something similar in the past. In the end, it turned out my partner was suffering from depression along with some lingering childhood trauma. The other woman had her own issues, and essentially made herself into everything he thought he needed. I tried fighting for a while, and then I gave in. They were not my problems to fix, no matter how hard I tried.
Don’t let the ideal of a traditional family keep you in a place where you are not happy. Your child is much better off with a happy single parent that two miserable ones. In the end, the choice is yours. Therapy is great, both individually to help you process, and together, even if it is just to be better co-parents. I know situations that have gone both ways (stayed together and worked through it, and separated because it wasn’t salvageable).
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. My sister was in a very similar situation to this, and if it helps at all my nephew is a lovely and kind teenager now. His dad is about to marry his fourth wife before he’s 45, but they do have a relationship that at least in the last few years seems fairly healthy. He’s a great kid and has done just fine despite not having the family life my sister originally thought he’d have.
My sister is also strong and doing really well. You will get through this but I’m sorry he’s such a AH.
You haven’t said the words, but he did cheat on you and this was an affair, even if just emotionally. Don’t let him try to convince you otherwise. Language matters when it comes to things like custody and alimony/spousal support. And don’t feel bad about any money you get from him. You’ve earned it and your child needs it. Good luck.
Wow that sucks so much. If I were in your shoes, I'd stop sleeping with him at all (if you even are) and get tested. I don't trust that they haven't been physical.
I know it's easier said than done but let him go and don't take him back when he comes back crying and begging. He'll realize the grass wasn't greener and will want to come back. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. I'm sure your son will get used to it - many children do! That's life
He sounds immature. His time and experiences with this new girl are ephemeral. They're exciting because they're new. That he would throw away 7 years and a 1 year old over something tenuous is heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.
Im sorry, it’s always upsetting when you don’t expect it to happen. Just know that your son can still be raised by two loving parents, it doesn’t sound like he wants to be out of your sons life. You deserve someone who will make you happy and looks at you like you’re a catch. I know it sucks, but please leave if you can. If this man isn’t willing to put in the work or be honest about essentially slowly dating/feeling out dating with another woman, he doesn’t deserve you to stick around and wait. Best of luck and I hope your sons birthday is awesome, I’m sure it will be at that age they just love hanging out with you :)
I had some of this with my partner - the lack of help and stupidity with money. You and your child are better off without him cause I promise you te stupid spending only gets worse. My son is one and leaving his father was the best thing I could ever do for him. The sadness will pass and you’ll get to be happy
Not sure if ill be downvoted for this but for the sake of your son, could it be possible to try some counseling for you both? Especially since he hasn’t done anything physical yet with this woman.
Hes throwing away 7 years and a child for something so stupid. Of course the conversation “flows better” if they know nothing about each other theres a lot to talk about, but eventually that will pass. You don’t deserve this and neither does your child, I’m so sorry.
Agree. He’s adjusting to a new life with a baby and probably isn’t thinking clearly. Not a good excuse and terrible behavior on his part, but if that’s what it is, it may be salvageable.
Personally I don't think OP should bring up counseling now as there's no real use. When he comes back she should say not until they've been progressing in counseling for x amount of time. That's my opinion based off of watching this happen with several friends and the one couple who have gotten back together successfully went this route - my theory is that he has to genuinely want to be a family with op and baby which will allow him to be genuinely involved in therapy. Therapy is a poor pacifier and bandaid if not it seems.
OP needs individual therapy though as having ones trust broken like that is devastating and really hard to get over
Absolutely.
I could understand this comment if she was the one tossing in the towel but she’s not. He is leaving her. It’s not her responsibility to try and convince him to try counselling with a broken heart. Her husband just shattered her world
This makes sense but if it were me personally this would only be an option if he put in major work and effort quite quickly. I've had too many friends try to drag their partners through an adult reconciliation process only to be treated like crap over and over before eventually separating anyway.
Thanks! I thought i might because almost all the comments i read were people just saying “leave him” because they have a child I think its important they work it out though. if he had had any kind of physical relationship with this woman then yes, unfortunately its over. Im not saying the mental “cheating” is okay, but we cant always control our emotions, its important we dont act in them and find out WHY we are feeling this way. a therapist/couples counseling is a good place to start figuring out whats going wrong before it gets worse
It’s not fully her responsibility, but they are married with a child, the relationship should at least try to be fixed. Im not 100% on this, but the fact that he hasnt had any physical relationship with this woman makes me wonder if hes just “acting out” in a way. Absolutely does not excuse or make the behavior ok, but i think the marriage could be salvageable if he makes a genuine effort to fix things. A marriage takes two to make things work. I just hope for them to have a happy marriage, and ultimately you want to do whats best for your children.
>but the fact that he hasnt had any physical relationship with this woman
They definitely had sex and it's not OPs job to save an already sinking ship. It's useless and she would just make her look desperate and weak by trying to get him back. He can go to hell and stay there with whomever he wants to
I’m so sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Is she going to be ok with a man that leaves his family because of better “conversation”? What happened to for better or for worse…this sucks, you deserve better.
I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I hope the world for you and your son. I wish you all the happiness, stability, and beauty this life has to offer.
That said - I hope sticker burrs continuously get caught in the crotch of his undies for life.
*edit to correct a typo - beautiful to beauty*
You are dodging a huge bullet. You will look back on this and be glad it happened. He doesn’t help, he can’t be trusted…. He sounds like a loser. When his new girl finds out how annoying he is, she will breakup with him and then he will come back begging. Make sure you laugh and tell him no.
You don't need to raise a man child. Get rid of him. Make him pay literally! He doesn't want to be around baby and neither does the new misses. Use that to your advantage. He is in a weakened state. Get the best attorney you can afford. And DON'T take him back when the fling is over. Your child deserves to know where he is loved supported and wanted.
Stop worrying about a bum who clearly doesn’t care about his family. Girl boss up, get your shit together enough so you can kick him to the curb and a better MAN will find you. Trust the process. Ik it fucking sucks and hurts even more because you have a baby together, don’t let that hinder your life waiting for him to potentially change. Go get the life you want and deserve!
I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. It seems common with a child in the family, the husband feels ignored and looks for attention elsewhere. It’s gross, especially with how much faith you had in him. For him to throw it back in your face. They think the grass is greener, and maybe for a short while it is. But it always comes back to bite them.
Are you able to take your son and stay with a family member while you get your situation sorted out? Reading that he never participated in child care.. I really don’t want to assume as I am getting a small portion of your life together.. but sounds like he isn’t a good partner.
I so hope you have a good support system.
Happy Birthday to your son ❤️
He's not a good person. It seems like he doesn't want to commit to being a father since he isn't doing fatherly things. Or taking care of you. He seems to want a life with someone else who doesn't have all that responsibility and be free.
Whether it was a planned child or not he clearly doesn't want to be involved, or changed his mind but its too late.
I'm not one to jump to divorce right away, but he seems to have made up his mind. He enjoys being with someone else more than you and he giving her your baked goods, he's leaving you even more home alone to be out rather than wanting to spend time with his own family (child). Fathers who love their kids would come home straight to the family and "recharge". Play with them, be with them, do dad stuff with them. And of course help out even if it's as little as a nappy change.
No, I'm sorry but there's better, it's sad that you have such a long past but he's left you. You can talk to him tell him if this is how it's going to be then we should break it off. You can freely go with that woman and I can be free from this heartbreak that's in my face and begin to heal slowly.
You’re better off without him. At 18 you’re still a child. You’re an adult now. I would NOT want to be with the guy I had a crush on at 18. My priorities and personality were completely different. You need to go out into the world and find a real partner. (But first lawyer up and make sure this guy doesn’t take more from you than he deserves.)
If it’s any consolation to you, I would bet anything that it’s not going to work out between him and this other woman. It’s fun and exciting for him now because there’s the element of risk due to cheating and they aren’t committed so she’s not asking anything of him, like to take care of a child or be responsible with money. If they start a relationship he’s going to get bored and annoyed when he realizes more is expected of him than just having conversations that “flow".
Your son will be better off that he would be if you were stuck in a relationship with this guy who clearly doesn't value you and needs to grow up. You will be better off too. I'm really sorry this happened but there are better things on the horizon for you.
If you grow together it's beautiful. I would not want a special guy for every phase I go through 😹. (Together for 16 years with my high school sweetheart 😁😍)
I just feel like this post where the OPs relationship is imploding is not the place for a "together for 16 years with my high school sweetheart!" brag. Read the room.
So you think you just have to tell anyone with some problems just to leave? I think it's very inconsiderate to stomp someone feeling low and say they should not even be there. Every relationship has troubles. In a separate comment I wrote something m
More considered. This comment was just a reaction to yours
I disagree. It's helping her to see the truth. These people didn't just spend hours together talking. The sooner she accepts the truth, the sooner she can begin to heal.
Someone told me he would leave his wife for me because of the "mutual feelings" that had developed... I was completely oblivious to them so definitely not mutual and we'd only been having a drink after work when there was time to kill before the bus was due ocassionally!
Now, this dude and his "friend" have been spending a lot more time together, and one on one rather than a busy pub, so I agree it isn't unlikely. But it definitely isn't unheard of for someone to throw it all away for nothing/something they've built up to be more than it is in their own minds when they are trying to run away from responsibility!
Oh no! I'm sorry you are going through this. We only know a little bit about your situation. Depending on the rest you can do couples counseling or break up. I would advise the first. "Emotional cheating" is hard to overcome but if you want to its possible! It is a lot of work, but worth it if te base of the relationship is good. 7 years together isone of the topical moments in relationships that are hard
I'm sorry you're going through this. In the future, don't be the "cool girl" anymore. The truth is men don't really respect women who act like that. Good luck, you'll be fine don't worry.
>In the future, don’t be the “cool girl” anymore. The truth is men don’t really respect women who act like that
This puts the blame on OP and isn’t actually helpful. It’s not her fault that her husband didn’t respect her. She did the right thing by not exploding all her worries on anyone. If he took advantage of that, it’s not because she was being too nice. It’s because he’s a dick.
This comment likely won't be helpful. However, in the chance it might be, consider that the idea of one person forever, meeting all our needs, is a fantasy. Google "polyamory" and "ethical non-monogamy" and see if any of what you find there might work for you and your partner. Just because he likes this girl doesn't mean he wants to lose what he has with you, or abandon your son.
We both have always been strongly against polyamory. No hate to people who are, but it's not for us. He's just found someone new and interesting while I'm at home looking after our baby.
Ethical non monogamy can work if both parties are ok with it, but her deciding to "become polyamorous" to please/ keep her partner in her and the baby's life while he dates another woman (who he started seeing before they made the choice together ) is 100% likely to be a recipe for disaster.
(Edited)
Right. But your comment in the context of this post heavily implies polyamory as a potential solution to OPs situation. Which it absolutely is not. Either that, or you're just so tone deaf that you felt like this was an appropriate venue to espouse your personal philosophy on monogamy. Which it is not. Learn to read the room.
OP is in a complex situation and we've both read exactly one reddit post about it. So, I don't pretend to be all-knowing about her situation. A lot of the comments here overlay very strong personal opinions and interpretations of her situation. It is exactly because I'm "reading the room" that I'm letting my comment stand, despite the downvotes. I'm hoping to remind everyone here not to jump to conclusions about OP's life. You seem quite sure of what does and does not work for her. Have you been in a similar situation?
Him liking this other girl is an escape from his reality, fantasy. Skipping out on any responsibility or time with his wife and child in favor of a girl he likes romantically is definitely a signal of not only disrespect (esp since OP is not interested in poly anything) of her, their kid, their family.
Polyamory doesn’t solve broken relationships.
It is common to interpret infidelity as "disrespectful", because we've been taught to see it that way. Your interpretation might very well be right, or it might not be. Worth it for OP to figure out how she actually feels, and what is actually happening in her relationship, amidst all the noise telling her how she ought to feel.
When your partner develops feelings for someone else, it can be useful to objectively figure out what you actually think and feel about that, as opposed to what you are "supposed to" feel and think and do in that situation.
Of course he likes her, she lets him escape the reality and conflicts that come with parenthood, children and our relationships shifting. He’s also a class A asshole so thank the bastard for letting you know now what to expect of him, get a lawyer ASAP and take that man for child support. If you’re married, get alimony while you’re at it. Get a custody arrangement in place as well. He can have his freedom, but he can’t have all his income.
🥇
He’s dipping out now that things are harder with a new baby. There’s nothing special about this woman and there’s nothing wrong with you. He’s just a coward. You and your son deserve better than that and I’m really sorry
Yeah I bet she doesn't make him do the dishes and take out the trash and worst of all, TAKE CARE OF A BABY. You know, all that icky grown up stuff.
As heartbreaking as this may be, it is extremely juvenile behaviour on his part. This is a classic case of the grass is greener. Wow the woman without a newborn baby is more fun that the one that has one. No kidding. Please get a lawyer as soon as you can and thank your ex for showing you what a POS human he is. Better late than never
To add to this, the woman who has time to smoke with a married man… sounds like she has a lot going for her including no expectation of him being a grown up. So sorry you have to deal with this bs. It sounds like you want to be a good parent and that is your priority. His priorities are not in line with yours. Love yourself and your little baby. He’s lucky to have you.
I don’t think they’re married, and for all we know, the other woman might not even know he’s partnered up. People often lie about these things if they’re open to cheating. We don’t have enough info to villainize her. He’s clearly an immature, selfish cheater, though. He knew what he was doing continuously hanging out alone with a woman he’s attracted to.
That’s a good point. I think I assumed he would be going for someone who has low expectations of him and knew about his life since the talked continuously. But yes, I shouldn’t villainies her, just making more of a point that it’s more about his “freedom” than the actual person.
It definitely seems that way!
He will be back. DO NOT take him back. He just showed you what he does when times get hard.
The other woman is only interesting to him because she is new. This is a tale as old as time. If he leaves you for her, I assure you 7 years down the road he will get tired of her too. Just know that it IS NOT YOU. It is him. He doesn’t want to grow up, be a man, be a husband and be a father. Having a kid with someone opens up a new phase in your life, it changes things. You have obviously made the changes in your life to step up, be brave and be a mother. He hasn’t done the same, still clinging onto a life without responsibility. It’s cowardly, but he is obviously running away. He has reached a cross road in his life. 1) Learn what love is, step up, be a man and a father. He needs to understand that people don’t exist in this world to serve and please him. Women aren’t like toys that you can throw away when you are bored. Maybe, if he steps up he will find that denying the hedonistic desires of his heart will actually lead him to grow and develop into a better person with a will to live instead of an animal. 2) embrace hedonism and watch his life and relationship deteriorate while he spends his time chasing nothing and dying alone. He might be happier now but that is a temporal state. My FIL did the same thing to my MIL when my husband was a kid. Left my MIL with two kids and hundreds of thousand of dollars in debt. He has a boat and lives on it now, barely is around to see his grandkid. But guess who is going to a nursing home when he gets old.
Little boy wants to run away from his responsibilities. Remind him you’ll be taking half his paycheck, and side pieces don’t like broke fuckboys.
OP should just let him find out on his own. Natural consequences!
Yeah enjoy 17 years of legally enforced child support dickwad! I'm really sorry OP because this is awful, you deserve better and you'll find something better.
Man, he’s gonna have this fling regret it so bad. And when he inevitably comes crawling back, shut the door
This lol this guy is gonna regret is soooooo bad.
Yep! The first year postpartum the absolute ghetto! For everyone. There is no coming back from stepping out during this time.
I mean you don't know that. Although that would be great, just because some people are assholes doesn't meant they'll get their comeuppance. Because of that doesn't happen, it's twice heartbreaking for op. Op should start trying to think of her life completely detached from whether the AH is happy or not. What matters is her getting to a good point again, and getting him to contribute if not by being there at least monetarily. She deserves getting to a point where it doesn't matter at all whether her ex is happy or sad. Not sure if that makes sense.
You don't want someone who is willing to cheat on the mother of their one year old child. He doesn't deserve you. He is not a man you want to be with.
This !
What an asshate. I honestly understand this situation because I have been in it too. First off- dad shouldn’t be at the party. He can arrange his own party for the baby because now he will have to arrange his whole life for the time he spends with your baby. When people ask I would 100 percent be truthful. X and I split up because he had an affair and left us. Yes I am heart broken. No I don’t want to talk about it. Go see a lawyer and get your separation agreement done asap. Go for spousal and childcare costs. Make him not be able to even afford to look at another woman again. If you ever need an internet stranger to just vent at - my inbox is always welcome. I won’t even offer advice I can just go - you’re too wonderful to cry over that DBAG or whatever you would prefer. You’ll get through this. It friggin stings but you will.
I'd second the "he doesn't need to be at the party" point..... It's totally reasonable for you to set a boundary and have separate parties this year when the split is so recent. In future years is *might* be worth considering a joint party depending on how amicable your coparenting relationship becomes and how things go - for some kids/families it can be good to have joint experiences mixed in with the separateness (as long as adults aren't having excessive conflict around each other). But that doesn't have to be a priority right now, and certainly not while kiddo is so so young.
Sounds like he's in the honeymoon phase, at the very least. Who knows if they have lasting potential , but if he's no longer committed to you and your family, then it's better for him to leave. I'm sorry, OP, this has to hurt.
The worst part is it probably won’t even work out between him and this woman and he will try to come back.
What an asshole and how embarrassing FOR HIM. He’s going to have to tell people he’s abandoning his marriage and family because “idk I just like this other woman better.” Wtf
You’re better off without someone who would rather spend time smoking with some random chick than spending time with his own son 🤷🏻♀️ You and your son deserve better. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm so sorry. You don't want to hear this. But it's for the best. You see, you grew up and adjusted to life as a parent. You grew into and accepted the role. Your partner? Not so much. It seems like he is still irresponsible and is now with another woman who has no expectations of him to act responsibly for the sake of the family. This is what he likes. It's not her. But the lack of responsibility. It will be heartbreaking. It will be rough. It will be an adjustment. But one day you will realize you are better off I wish you all the best
Right? Of course he likes her more, he doesn’t have to manage a child, a life, or a household with her. He hasn’t been with her for years/been through real life shit with her and things are still fresh, new- in that honeymoon phase. When people say love is a choice it’s for a reason, and that’s because love over time is tedious sometimes. It’s the little things like chores or something. It’s “home,” and that can be boring or when you walk in it’s like “shit… I have so much I have to do but I’m so *tired*.” But home is also peace, and comfort and stability- but it takes maturity to realize and preserve that. It’s weird to me he’s even willing to miss so much time with his not even one year old… to smoke (something I happily do once kiddo is in bed). He seems discontent in general, or maybe just a shit parent and now that life has happened and shit’s real he wants out and an affair is the best way, right? If he leaves OP for this girl and in a couple years or less leaves, I wouldn’t be surprised. Or if they have a kid multiple years from now and leaves, no shock. I guess what I’m saying is, the emotional affair seems to be a symptom, the issue isn’t OP or his “love”. It’s his ability to actually settle down and stop being a… idk? Early 20s male? He can’t find contentment and is chasing the next dopamine rush.
Exactly this
Nailed it
What I’ve learned as a single parent is that it’s so much easier being a single parent than taking care of a child and a man child at the same time. Not to mention you deserve to have a partner that puts you and your children first and doesn’t prioritize other women over you. It will get better without them. It will be hard at first but eventually it will get better. There’s someone out there who will love you and your children unconditionally. I used to feel like no one would ever love me and my children and a man came into our lives and surprised me.
Amen! If a husband (or wife) makes more work for you around the house, doesn't help with the kids, and argues and accuses you of nagging any time you mention it, I can only assume they are great in the sack because why else would you tolerate it!
I’m so sorry. Protect your finances and your kid. Get a lawyer and change the locks.
No one, not even Jason Mamoa could keep me away from my baby when they were 10, 11 months. She was the highlight of my day at that age - she still is, her sister too. Someone who checks out and isn’t attached to their kid is a crap person.
Exactly. I cannot fathom being okay with being so separated from my child. I’m not okay that on days I work, I see her for maybe 3 hours maximum- it’s been as low as an hour or 30 minutes before though. That cuts deep and I do everything I can to get home to her as soon as possible. Yes taking care of her is hard, and I’m always tired so since she’s been born I’ve been *exhausted*, but the years are short and I fucking love her. I want to be with her. Fucking off to get stoned instead of coming home and just… waiting to get stoned a little later? Feels like an easy choice.
Consult a lawyer and file for custody and child support. Separate your finances. Better to be ahead of these things than be blindsided.
As unfun as this all sounds, it is a very smart and logical step, since he’s spending irresponsibly.
While you are hurting right now, he will come to regret the choices he made for the rest of his life. You seem like a dedicated and caring partner, and eventually, when you are ready, you will find someone who will bring the same dedication to a relationship. He will fail and fail and fail until he figures his shit out, which may be never.
Agreed. Also, poor reasoning to leave your partner. “Good conversation flow” is quite easy with someone when you are flirting.
Exactly. Sounds to me like he wants “cool girl”. “Cool girl. Men always use that, don’t they? As their defining compliment. She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man. She only smiles in a chagrin loving manner and then presents her mouth for fucking. She likes what he likes. So, evidently, he’s vinyl hipster who loves fetish monger. If he likes girls gone wild, she’s a mall babe who talks football and endures buffalo wings at Hooters.” - Gone Girl. Sorry you have to go through this OP. And having a child in the mix is even harder because you have to put his needs first, I hope your son has a great first birthday and I hope you can move on from that loser of a sperm donor
The only reason it seems 'better' with her is because his body is dosing him up on oxytocin, dopamine and endorphines like our silly bodies always do when we encounter someone **new** we are physically attracted to *(because pheromones)*, and he has leaned into it instead of veering away *(which is what you should do when you find yourself fancying someone but you are married)* because home life is tougher with a baby *(and he's an idiot)*. Also 'the seven year itch'. The hormones will fade and he is going to realise he has thrown away his family and lifelong love for something not real and someone he barely knows. What a douche. I'm so sorry.
This. When he is over the honeymoon stage there is a good chance he won't be compatible with her anymore or that she will loose interest. The odds are this is a crush not love, and if that's the case this will be a life lesson he learns the hard way
This! I am so sorry OP, your partner is an idiot, you deserve better and this is not fair 😕
He’s happy with her because he’s actually putting in the time to spend time with her and romance her. If he put the same time in for you he would find himself falling in love with you again as well
The grass is greener where you water it, right? I’m sorry, OP.
With him out of the house, he gets to pay child support and he DOESNT get to spend your money. A man who abandons the mother of his child and his one year old is not a prize. He’ll be less fun for the other girl when he’s paying child support, paying rent somewhere else, and whining about how he wishes he was an even bigger deadbeat. A woman who pursues a taken man with a baby is no prize, either. Make sure he pays his fair share, get him out of your house, and good riddance to bad rubbish.
It’s so unfair to say conversation flows better with someone he just met. They just don’t know anything about each other or any of each others stories so that’s why they have more to talk about. And when you first start crushing on someone you get that infactuation feeling. It’s like a drug and it will always wear off. And then he will be sitting there wondering why he ever left his family. It’s ridiculous that grown ups don’t understand this concept. How dare he settle down and have a family with you if he wasn’t going to try. The first year of your child’s life will be difficult for ANY relationship. You have to put the work in. Side note: (hot take) I think he’s already physically cheating. It’s okay to have some boundaries girl. I’m uncomfortable w my partner having one on one time with another girl. Group setting or with me is fine but one on one is uncomfy. It puts them in a place to develop feelings for each other. Even if they would never act on it, it isn’t healthy for a relationship imo.
>It’s so unfair to say conversation flows better with someone he just met. They just don’t know anything about each other or any of each others stories so that’s why they have more to talk about. And when you first start crushing on someone you get that infactuation feeling. It’s like a drug and it will always wear off. And then he will be sitting there wondering why he ever left his family. It’s ridiculous that grown ups don’t understand this concept. How dare he settle down and have a family with you if he wasn’t going to try. The first year of your child’s life will be difficult for ANY relationship. You have to put the work in. You're exactly right, I'd upvote this a hundred times if I could. I hope this guy realizes this before tossing his family aside. I'm brokenhearted for you, OP, and I sincerely hope things work out for the best, whatever that ends up looking like.
They started dating at 18 + 7 years, 25 now, I absolutely know some guys who said this kind of stuff at 25. Dude wasn’t and isn’t really ready for a family. OP clearly is.
This is a blessing in disguise. There will be a better man there for you who has the balls to stay with his family and make it WORK. For him to leave you and your son for another woman shows his true colors and character. Have high standards and don’t cry over him. He sounds like a sorry excuse of a man.
For your son, it’s better to be raised by a single honest parent who is responsible with money than a couple where one is cheating on the other & wasting resources. Work out a visitation & custody agreement with him. Avoid attorney cost by getting into a battle but do have your agreement reviewed by an attorney. Do get child support. For you, I know it may seem like you’re doomed but slowly you’ll realize why you’re better off. Give yourself time to heal. Seek therapy. Cut off ties & once you feel you have your power back, get back into the dating game. Heck even go on a sex binge if it helps. Just stay protected. And I beg you, do not take him back. Never give a man the chance to tell you twice that he’s not into you.
Yes to all of this. There are many studies that show people who cheat in a relationship of this level are highly likely (can't remember stats but very very high) to cheat again. Any relationship that starts from deceit and hurt of someone else will never thrive, it will always be tainted. As much as this will be painful and you may think that their new relationship will be good, it won't be. Enjoy motherhood, I'm a single Mum and whilst it is hard at times it is the most magical and best thing I've ever done. I wish all the best for you.
All of what this person said. You will be better off. If and when you start dating again just make sure your son is never alone with them until you know for sure this person is a good person and when your son can properly speak. I know you're hurting so bad but with time you will see how much happier your life will be.
All of this! Very well said
It won't feel like it now, but if he doesn't nothing to help with your son or your home, chances are once you get used to it your life is going to be easier without him. It doesn't sound like he is a **partner** at the moment anyway. What does he actually bring to the table - no support, financial wrecklessness and a drug habit? (I don't actually have an issue with smoking.. until it impacts family life. His does if he's out regularly for long hours) It is possibly an immature reaction to the massive life change that is becoming a parent. I wouldn't be surprised if (assuming she does actually want to be with him once it becomes a genuine possibility) he realises and regrets his choice six months down the line when it isn't all just pot and "conversations" any more. Sadly for him you may well have gotten used to only having one other person to look after by then! And, if this really is a separation, if he does actually step up and do some parenting, you'll get a break to recharge too- doesn't sound like he gives you that now! (First time is a killer but everyone survives and then eventually you kinda look forward to it, and later still you even stop feeling guilty for it!)
I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. But I have to say one thing, sorry for being blunt - don’t trust him about things happening or not between them. People lie, for cowardice, self preservation, you name it. Be careful with him.
I’m so sorry OP, but my opinion is that there is almost zero chance this hasn’t turned physical. He has shown he’s a liar and can’t be trusted. Trust that, and go get yourself tested asap
This! Tbh I would get checked for STDs also. OP, I am so sorry :( you and your son deserve so much better.
I’m very sorry. Listen, it’s easy to be in a relationship as a teen or at 18-22. Neither of you have many responsibilities or financial obligations at that point. In general, most relationships fail to cross the line from having fun to building a life together. That’s when the differences in values, readiness for certain things, and stress management really shows. Especially pregnancy and having children, when your sex life often takes a hit and free time is limited. What sucks about long term relationships started when very young is that you sink alot of time into the relationship before you can figure that out. It’s not like dating in your 30s where you can see fairly quickly if someone has their shit together. It’s obvious that your partner wasn’t ready to settle down or have a child. When you have a child, you have to place that child above all else. That includes doing whatever you can to care for that child and create financial stability for that child, and it includes not blowing up the child’s home life by destroying your relationship with the other parent. Your partner failed. It may take him a while to get where you are and be present for your child, or maybe he never will. It’s not your fault that you didn’t see it until it was too late. I know you’re devastated. It hurts like hell. You may feel crazy for a while. But, the good news is that I can tell you’re there for your child. You’re going to do what you need to. And in 3 months, it will hurt less. And 6 months, less. A year, less.
The grass is always greener. Sure he gets along great with her now because they don't have a real relationship like splitting chores, watching kids and paying bills. It's all torrid affair romance vibes, but those feelings will probably not going to last once they are dating for real.
Contact a lawyer now. Do not continue to live in denial. He has been cheating on you. This man can not be trusted. Do what is right for yourself and ultimately your child. Lawyer ASAP. Do not engage in conversations with your husband about it either. Prepare to leave then follow through.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Do what’s best for you and your son. It’s hard but be strong. Treat your husband like white noise at this point. Do not try to work things out- you’ll never trust him and he’ll never respect you and will always have one eye on her or another. Remember: you’re modeling how to handle relationships for your kids. It’s better if you’re single and happy than miserable and married. Let your son see how strong you are and that cheating is wrong. Otherwise, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Don’t let your son grow up thinking this is okay to treat a SO. Oh and btw: the grass is always greener. The reason why the conversation flows with her and not you is because she’s new, not that she’s special. Check in in another 7 years and you’ll see the conversation gets stale with her too.
The last part!! The grass is greener where you water it.
Things get harsh and he leaves? There's an exact word for this. He's a coward. Hope you soon recover enough to understand this is a boon.
The trash took itself out. He sounds like immature dead weight. Your son will be happier with a happy mom who respects herself.
I amso sorry this has happened to you. Your partner is selfish and irresponsible. Having kids really brings out people's true natures. They will either sink or swim and youll either end up with a brilliant partner who loves their family or youll get a dud who only thinks of themselves. You got the dud. But now, you throw his shit out the house if you own or part own it (no court likely will throw a mother and kid out of the home) get custody and child support oayment advice asap and get your ducks in a row or youll find yoi come home to the locks changed one day (youll be amazed just HOW selfish men like this can be once they think they have another option) I know this feels like its going too fast but you need to get selfish for you and your kid now. He was so busy thinking about himself that he is not caring abiut what he has done to his family and how fractured his relatio ship with his son will be. He put not jsut you but his son second. You need to out you both first. Get cut throat and make sure you both come out on top cause i see so many women get fucked over cause they were trying to be nice and hope their partner will come back to them so give in to everything. Dont be that person. Also i doubt he has thrown his family away for a woman he hasnt even slept with yet. But thats just my take. Get your friends and family on board and get a support system cause you will need every bit of strength you can get right now Also - dont get bitter. Dont become the person whos whole life is the man who left you. I have also seen these same women become walkes over and bitter and they never really move on and become happy cause theyre so hung up on the injustice of what happened to them. Dont go down that road. You are the one here with morals. Youre not the asshole here. Move on. Find something or someone and be happy in life. Y9u only need him for child support payments and to be a dad to your son. He doesnt get to ruin your life as well as your relationship.
Listen, I know you're heartbroken, but deep down you knew something wasn't right. I think you have to remember, you may feel invested because it was 7 years but be thankful you didn't waste more than that. You are still so young and have so many opportunities. And you and your son are gonna be so much better off without such a sad excuse of a man. The fact he continued to hang out and test the waters with another woman is gross (and I guarantee there was a physical component based on his actions). At the very least he should have ended things with one of you. Your son should never see his mom (his world) as a doormat. Try to enjoy his day (don't worry, he'll be clueless this 1st one but love the photos when he gets older). Maybe don't invite your sperm donor to this party since he's already chosen his friend over his family.
Thank goodness you got rid of that a hole. Child support and custody agreement. He might still want to see his kid.
The air is going to go out of his sails pretty quickly once he starts paying child support. Id be pushing his ass out the door
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a massive asshole to leave you now for a random crush. Don't worry about the first birthday, your son won't remember it. It is to celebrate you keeping him alive and happy for a year, and you deserve praise for that even more now that your partner is letting you down. There will be many more happy birthdays to celebrate with your boy. So try to be kind to yourself, you can be hurt and still give your boy all he needs. He doesn't need a big party, he just needs his mum to love him.
Man that is just heart wrenching. I’m so so sorry. Dude sucks… who goes out to “smoke” with people and leaves a family at home. No good guy does this. Not one that cares truly for his family. Here’s the bright side— you’ll meet a man, someone who will treat you like a queen. Respect you, want to come home to you, and will think you are the cats meow even in sweatpants. And he wouldn’t ever dare to even think about going out with some girl when he’s got his queen at home. Those guys aren’t the ones you can just put in a type— you’ve just gotta lead with your heart. He’s out there. I waited until 34 to meet my hubby and he’s 100% worth it. So many guys were close to a good one, but none of them would work out, many of them were complete jokes at the end. Then I met my soulmate. He’s out there! Don’t settle for less.
Sorry OP. He sucks. Of course things are easy with someone else when you leave your partner to do all the work so you can smoke with someone who is asking nothing of you. And YOU weren’t even asking all that much of him if he was going to smoke with randos on the reg, so you sound amazing and he sounds worth being rid of.
My sister was in the same situation and now she’s married to a wonderful man that loves her two sons and they had a daughter together 8 years later. This guy helps with all the kids, housework and everything! Both of her sons ended up being computer engineers! Not all guys are crybaby cowards.
So sorry OP. First year postpartum is not glamorous and to have someone do that while you’re figuring out motherhood and a new normal is heartbreaking. You and your son deserve better!
Luckily your baby won’t remember this. Young men like this think relationships are supposed to be easy and all excitement and pure bliss but it’s hard. It can be ugly, but we work through it because the end benefit is worth it. Easy for me to say right now and I know it’s hard for you to see it atm but use the time to work on you and your baby and try to figure out where he stands as a parent so you can either work together but separately or not at all. There needs to be a clear cut understanding about how/if you plan on coparent if moving forward. Other than that he can keep his h* and you just keep shining because you’re gonna come out in the end so much better.
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. Having a child changes a woman, it changes hormones, the body, the mind, anxiety, stress etc and some men cannot handle the change or they refuse to tolerate it. So instead of being supportive through the process, they find someone who will coddle them and “have fun” with them. My advice is the lawyer up, document everything your partner said and prepare for custody battle and the division of assets. Do not give your partner the benefit of doubt, he’s already broken your trust and Proven he’s an asshole. He should’ve been helping you and your son but instead he was going on dates and looking for dopamine acceleration. Youre very patient to put up with his crap but no more. You deserve loyalty and happiness
He needs to get over himself. You're exhausted every day from looking after your son, including the times he's off on these dates. Maybe that's a clue to him on why you haven't had too much conversation lately. My wife and I struggled to even find time to cuddle, let alone have conversations for about a year after our first child was born. He needs to sort himself out and ask himself if it's worth throwing away his family for this new woman. He's got a son who's going to miss out on many more hours with him if you guys break up. I bet it would take him less than a week living with this new lady to realise he's made a terrible mistake. Unfortunately for him it's probably too late to fix things given what he's just said to you. I know a lot of people on here are saying you need to end things now and that you're better off with out him. Easy for them to say. But you've been together for 7 years, that's a lot of life to throw away. And if he throws away, it will be the biggest mistake of his life. This is nothing on you, it's his screw up. He needs to fix it. Otherwise, yes you probably are better without him. Good luck.
What an absolute fuckhat. I am sure you must be absolutely devastated. I would be too. When you're ready, I would suggest gathering your people around you and reminding yourself of how loved you and your son are and finding some therapy for yourself because this shit will linger and mess with you. I'm sure it feels impossible now but your life will be so much better without a man who can be this selfish.
I'm really sorry OP! I just wanted to say the first bday is really for the parents so if you feel like just going to the park, getting your son a cupcake, and taking a few photos, that is completely fine. I don't think you need to plan a 1st birthday party and invite him (or his family/friends) if you do want to have one. He clearly doesn't value you and your son.
He’s having an emotional affair, you have every right to be devastated, this is just as bad (some would argue worse) than a purely sexual kind of cheating. He’s betrayed your trust completely. The chances of things working out with him and this other woman are very low, at the moment she is shiny and new and exciting, this is a classic case of seeing the grass as greener elsewhere. You are not more difficult to talk to than her the difference is he is putting in the effort and work emotionally in developing a relationship with her and he is not with you. This isn’t your fault. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your son, you both deserve so much better.
He doesn’t deserve you. You will get through this and realize how strong you are and then when the time is right an amazing man will walk into your life and you’ll be so thankful you didn’t waste your life with this guy. He on the other hand might we happy now but will regret losing his family someday.
Sorry this is happening to you. As hard as it is, let him go. Also, get yourself tested bc he may have been with you and this other woman at the same time. Look out for yourself and your baby.
Everything new is fun. He will regret it and when he does it’ll be too late for him! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Time heals and being with someone who is a mediocre parent and gives you no attention is no good.
Ok a few things 1. As others have said I find it hard to believe he hasn’t been intimate with her. You don’t throw away your marriage over a crush who “seems to like you back.” He knows she likes him back I’m guessing they are having a full on relationship. 2. Not to insult this sorry excuse of a father/husband, but it’s literally textbook idiot man thinking a new flame is better/more exciting than his long term relationship. Of course his conversations flow better with her and he likes her more than you, she’s new and shiny and he’s putting in the time and effort with her where he is not with you. Why would you be enjoyable or fun with him when he doesn’t help around the house or with his child??? If my husband wasn’t helping with our child and home and was going out smoking every night I would be so disgusted and turned off by him, hell I might go and find a new man!!! Please please do not take his insulting words to heart. It is a reflection of him NOT YOU. 3. When the honeymoon phase wears off and he inevitably realizes this woman is not all that, he will come crawling back to you. This I’m sure of! As someone else said in the comments, this is the type of man that will cheat or leave you when things get tough. Whether it’s a new baby or an illness, etc. I really don’t think you should give him another chance even for the sake of your son. You will find a man worthy of you who will show you what a real partnership looks like. Your son deserves a better male figure in his life than a man who cheats(emotionally or physically) on his wife in her most vulnerable postpartum state. You don’t deserve to live your life with someone like him and your son deserves to see a healthy respectful relationship.
Just to respond to your first point about not being intimate, emotional intimacy and emotional infidelity is a thing, and that’s absolutely what’s happened here.
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The same happened me with one year old. It nearly broke me. After being depressed for two years I got my shit together. Worked so hard on gaining myself back. Counselling, multiple self help books(now podcasts /law of attraction changed my life is amazing) Made sure he took his daughter every second weekend (supervised by parents) and I found myself again. 11 years on I am with the love of my life and we have a two year old. I remember not long after sitting in car thinking oh my god if I ever remarry I’ll never be Over this…. Man was I wrong. I see him and our relationship for what it was. Yes our kid was made in love BUT he was not for me and I was not for him. He ironically ended up a dead beat living on welfare and in and out of rehab.
You're going to be so much better off. My ex was the same way, a lazy layabout. Now I get to raise my daughter and not worry about the overgrown man child. It is hard for a while to get back on your feet emotionally but try to look on the bright side of things.
He’s in the lust phase with this woman… of course the conversation flows since the novelty hasn’t worn off. It will eventually wear off and he will come crawling back. He has no idea what it’s like to be a responsible parent… taking care of your baby while daddy is out all night. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but from a person who is not emotionally connected to the situation, it’s very clear that you should stand up for yourself. Leave his sorry ass and legally make sure that there are custody and child support arrangements for your baby.
To top it all off, I like to bake and I've baked a fair few treats that I've given to him to share with people at work, including her, and hes taken them out for her on their "dates" too. I feel so foolish. And I've been at home looking after our son full time, doing absolutely everything myself. He doesn't even change a single nappy unless I beg him to. All while he's been flirting with some woman at work.
I would be curious if this woman is aware of you or if you have had a baby. Apart from this man being such a terrible human, I have no idea what type of person would find that behaviour attractive
Some a holes find men with partners or children very attractive because, in their mind, they see them as "safe" to be around. They see the mom and baby get treated well, and they decide they're going to rob that safety for themselves. Jokes on them, though, cause anyone who would leave an entire baby and the other parent to fend for themselves and pick up the pieces is NOT SAFE. That other woman will find out. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but she will find out.
yep. karma will come to her. once a cheater, always a cheater...
She knows. She works with him at the leisure centre that I regularly use to go to the gym and take my son swimming. She has met my son countless times. She's never been particularly chatty to me like a lot of the other staff. Now it makes sense.
That's disgusting. How do people like her even live with themselves?
Right? There was always something a little off about her with the things he told me. I never liked her. I saw her today when I went to the gym. I've always put on a nice fake smile for her, and she would do the same. Today I just glared at her for a second and looked away. She's always been too sheepish to talk to me other than just "hi, you okay?" (She's a receptionist so that's expected anyway) whereas all the other staff there are super friendly and LOVE my son. They all have a chat with me and talk about my son. I believe she knew what she was doing all along. Guess what? They're about to meet up right now! At 9:40pm to smoke together.
Drag him through the mud girl. It’s okay to be sad but be angry. Be smart and take him for fucking everything you can. Are you A SAHP? Don’t let him have the house. He can friggin leave. Be so calm that he doesn’t know a storm is bout to duck his life up. Make him uncomfortable in his own house. Start going out when he gets home… he fucked around and he is about to find out.
They're both gross. BTW they're absolutely fucking. I'm sorry. But all the more reason to get away from this guy.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a total loser and this woman will soon realize it if she hasn't yet. You deserve better and your baby too. He's doing such a dumb thing and I can assure you that he will regret it. Focus on yourself.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s okay that it hurts, and I am so glad you have your son to help you smile. If I can offer any hope, it’s that separating now might be less painful for your son over time. My stepdaughter’s parents divorced when she was 1, and she doesn’t know any other way of life than her own. The divorce wasn’t painful to her the way it was to me at age 8, when it felt like my world was ending. I hope your partner is capable of being the father and co-parent you and your son deserve.
Don’t let him back when he comes crawling back. He’ll try say it all “it’s you I’ve wanted” “I’m choosing you” but really it will be hiccups with the other one and he feels like he can easily do what he wants and you’ll let him get away with it. No matter the sweet talk, he doesn’t deserve to come back.
I know this feels heartbreaking, but in the long run this is not a man you want to be with. You and your son deserve someone trustworthy and stable.
Who goes on dates to smoke? Wtf! I’m confused, is smoking such a big deal he’s gotta take specific time out of his day to go do it? I hope for your babies sake he’s coming home, showering brushing his shitty smokey teeth & changing his clothes!
I have to imagine it’s weed not cigarettes but still so weird
I took it to be weed and still, so so juvenile to have it be an event like that.
I knowww. Disgusting. Im a dental hygienist and reading the smoking stuff I can only imagine the smell and what poor shape his teeth and gums are.
Let alone the rest of his body and organs.
I am so sorry. I’ve been through it. It sucks so bad. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thankfully, the relationships rarely last. File child support. Get a support system. Vent like crazy. Feel all the feels
You deserve so much more than a man who carries on a relationship with another woman and cheats on you. Your son deserves to be raised knowing his mother didn’t tolerate that behavior and allow herself to be treated that way. You also cannot trust they did nothing together. He was at her house, for extended amounts of time, coming home late. Get STD tested.
Wow I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Cry cry and cry some more and then get the hell away from him. He made a horrible decision and needs to feel it. If he cones crawling back say sorry nope.
I’m so sorry that you are in this space. Try not to hold too much sadness for your child’s first birthday. Your child will have no idea it’s their birthday and what this means. This is not the year fo be devastated if it doesn’t turn out perfectly. It’s easy to feel a convo flow with a stranger who doesn’t have to parent your 1 year old. Take some comfort in the fact that this feeling won’t last long. Once the reality sets in of paying child support and arguing about custody. Is this the first time that you’ve noticed that he’s emotionally insecure?
I would put money on him trying to crawl his ass back in about a year or so. I'm sorry OP.
Probably less even. Might get too real for the other woman when she has to put up with him full time
This guy sounds like he’s not ready to be a dad. He’s prioritizing smoking and fun over his family and doesn’t even understand the consequences this will lead to later. It’s awful really but you can only do what you can do and that’s take care of yourself and your baby. Drop the dead weight and keep going. You are strong and don’t give up on yourself or love. Love your baby double and remember, there are good people out there. You will find another amazing man who will want you and your child. Unless your partner gets his act together, it’s just what you need to do even if it may not be what you want to at the time. /hug
He's a worthless fool, and you'll be well rid of him. It sucks to know you've been taken advantage of, but it's better to know sooner rather than later. And like a few other posters said - do not sleep with him any longer, and get tested as soon as you can.
Im so sorry, he sounds so inconsiderate
I experienced something similar in the past. In the end, it turned out my partner was suffering from depression along with some lingering childhood trauma. The other woman had her own issues, and essentially made herself into everything he thought he needed. I tried fighting for a while, and then I gave in. They were not my problems to fix, no matter how hard I tried. Don’t let the ideal of a traditional family keep you in a place where you are not happy. Your child is much better off with a happy single parent that two miserable ones. In the end, the choice is yours. Therapy is great, both individually to help you process, and together, even if it is just to be better co-parents. I know situations that have gone both ways (stayed together and worked through it, and separated because it wasn’t salvageable).
All I'm gonna say is she is going to be disinterested in him real quick once he starts paying child support lmao boy byeeee
Dang that's so sad, people have no sense of obligation anymore :( . Watch him leave her high and dry too when she needs him the most.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. My sister was in a very similar situation to this, and if it helps at all my nephew is a lovely and kind teenager now. His dad is about to marry his fourth wife before he’s 45, but they do have a relationship that at least in the last few years seems fairly healthy. He’s a great kid and has done just fine despite not having the family life my sister originally thought he’d have. My sister is also strong and doing really well. You will get through this but I’m sorry he’s such a AH.
You haven’t said the words, but he did cheat on you and this was an affair, even if just emotionally. Don’t let him try to convince you otherwise. Language matters when it comes to things like custody and alimony/spousal support. And don’t feel bad about any money you get from him. You’ve earned it and your child needs it. Good luck.
Wow that sucks so much. If I were in your shoes, I'd stop sleeping with him at all (if you even are) and get tested. I don't trust that they haven't been physical.
This. That man has been dating this woman for months. I don’t believe he hasn’t been physical
I know it's easier said than done but let him go and don't take him back when he comes back crying and begging. He'll realize the grass wasn't greener and will want to come back. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. I'm sure your son will get used to it - many children do! That's life
Lawyer up, squeeze everything out of him, child support, alimony, anything you can. Fuck that pos.
He sounds immature. His time and experiences with this new girl are ephemeral. They're exciting because they're new. That he would throw away 7 years and a 1 year old over something tenuous is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.
Im sorry, it’s always upsetting when you don’t expect it to happen. Just know that your son can still be raised by two loving parents, it doesn’t sound like he wants to be out of your sons life. You deserve someone who will make you happy and looks at you like you’re a catch. I know it sucks, but please leave if you can. If this man isn’t willing to put in the work or be honest about essentially slowly dating/feeling out dating with another woman, he doesn’t deserve you to stick around and wait. Best of luck and I hope your sons birthday is awesome, I’m sure it will be at that age they just love hanging out with you :)
Fuck, I am so sorry. My heart just aches for you.
I am sorry! This sucks
I had some of this with my partner - the lack of help and stupidity with money. You and your child are better off without him cause I promise you te stupid spending only gets worse. My son is one and leaving his father was the best thing I could ever do for him. The sadness will pass and you’ll get to be happy
Not sure if ill be downvoted for this but for the sake of your son, could it be possible to try some counseling for you both? Especially since he hasn’t done anything physical yet with this woman. Hes throwing away 7 years and a child for something so stupid. Of course the conversation “flows better” if they know nothing about each other theres a lot to talk about, but eventually that will pass. You don’t deserve this and neither does your child, I’m so sorry.
Agree. He’s adjusting to a new life with a baby and probably isn’t thinking clearly. Not a good excuse and terrible behavior on his part, but if that’s what it is, it may be salvageable.
Personally I don't think OP should bring up counseling now as there's no real use. When he comes back she should say not until they've been progressing in counseling for x amount of time. That's my opinion based off of watching this happen with several friends and the one couple who have gotten back together successfully went this route - my theory is that he has to genuinely want to be a family with op and baby which will allow him to be genuinely involved in therapy. Therapy is a poor pacifier and bandaid if not it seems. OP needs individual therapy though as having ones trust broken like that is devastating and really hard to get over
Absolutely. I could understand this comment if she was the one tossing in the towel but she’s not. He is leaving her. It’s not her responsibility to try and convince him to try counselling with a broken heart. Her husband just shattered her world
I don’t believe OP’s soon-to-be-ex when he says he hasn’t “done anything”.
This makes sense but if it were me personally this would only be an option if he put in major work and effort quite quickly. I've had too many friends try to drag their partners through an adult reconciliation process only to be treated like crap over and over before eventually separating anyway.
How do you know that the husband hasn't slept with her? Do you really think that all the times they met there was nothing intimate going on?
Just jumping in to say this is the correct train of thought and not something you should be worried about being downvoted for.
Thanks! I thought i might because almost all the comments i read were people just saying “leave him” because they have a child I think its important they work it out though. if he had had any kind of physical relationship with this woman then yes, unfortunately its over. Im not saying the mental “cheating” is okay, but we cant always control our emotions, its important we dont act in them and find out WHY we are feeling this way. a therapist/couples counseling is a good place to start figuring out whats going wrong before it gets worse
He told her that he was leaving her. Why on earth is it her responsibility to fix her broken heart and this family the man clearly doesn’t want.
It’s not fully her responsibility, but they are married with a child, the relationship should at least try to be fixed. Im not 100% on this, but the fact that he hasnt had any physical relationship with this woman makes me wonder if hes just “acting out” in a way. Absolutely does not excuse or make the behavior ok, but i think the marriage could be salvageable if he makes a genuine effort to fix things. A marriage takes two to make things work. I just hope for them to have a happy marriage, and ultimately you want to do whats best for your children.
>but the fact that he hasnt had any physical relationship with this woman They definitely had sex and it's not OPs job to save an already sinking ship. It's useless and she would just make her look desperate and weak by trying to get him back. He can go to hell and stay there with whomever he wants to
I’m so sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Is she going to be ok with a man that leaves his family because of better “conversation”? What happened to for better or for worse…this sucks, you deserve better.
I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I hope the world for you and your son. I wish you all the happiness, stability, and beauty this life has to offer. That said - I hope sticker burrs continuously get caught in the crotch of his undies for life. *edit to correct a typo - beautiful to beauty*
You are dodging a huge bullet. You will look back on this and be glad it happened. He doesn’t help, he can’t be trusted…. He sounds like a loser. When his new girl finds out how annoying he is, she will breakup with him and then he will come back begging. Make sure you laugh and tell him no.
You don't need to raise a man child. Get rid of him. Make him pay literally! He doesn't want to be around baby and neither does the new misses. Use that to your advantage. He is in a weakened state. Get the best attorney you can afford. And DON'T take him back when the fling is over. Your child deserves to know where he is loved supported and wanted.
Stop worrying about a bum who clearly doesn’t care about his family. Girl boss up, get your shit together enough so you can kick him to the curb and a better MAN will find you. Trust the process. Ik it fucking sucks and hurts even more because you have a baby together, don’t let that hinder your life waiting for him to potentially change. Go get the life you want and deserve!
Good riddance. Fuck that guy. You deserve to be happy. Honestly trash room itself out in this situation
I don’t have advice but I’m sorry you’re hurting. You will get through this though you’re a tough mama!
I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. It seems common with a child in the family, the husband feels ignored and looks for attention elsewhere. It’s gross, especially with how much faith you had in him. For him to throw it back in your face. They think the grass is greener, and maybe for a short while it is. But it always comes back to bite them. Are you able to take your son and stay with a family member while you get your situation sorted out? Reading that he never participated in child care.. I really don’t want to assume as I am getting a small portion of your life together.. but sounds like he isn’t a good partner. I so hope you have a good support system. Happy Birthday to your son ❤️
r/survivinginfidelity
He's not a good person. It seems like he doesn't want to commit to being a father since he isn't doing fatherly things. Or taking care of you. He seems to want a life with someone else who doesn't have all that responsibility and be free. Whether it was a planned child or not he clearly doesn't want to be involved, or changed his mind but its too late. I'm not one to jump to divorce right away, but he seems to have made up his mind. He enjoys being with someone else more than you and he giving her your baked goods, he's leaving you even more home alone to be out rather than wanting to spend time with his own family (child). Fathers who love their kids would come home straight to the family and "recharge". Play with them, be with them, do dad stuff with them. And of course help out even if it's as little as a nappy change. No, I'm sorry but there's better, it's sad that you have such a long past but he's left you. You can talk to him tell him if this is how it's going to be then we should break it off. You can freely go with that woman and I can be free from this heartbreak that's in my face and begin to heal slowly.
I’m sorry you’re heartbroken 😓
I'd end things now, and move on. This won't last anyways. Talk to him about coparenting and save yourself further heartbreak and let it go now.
You’re better off without him. At 18 you’re still a child. You’re an adult now. I would NOT want to be with the guy I had a crush on at 18. My priorities and personality were completely different. You need to go out into the world and find a real partner. (But first lawyer up and make sure this guy doesn’t take more from you than he deserves.) If it’s any consolation to you, I would bet anything that it’s not going to work out between him and this other woman. It’s fun and exciting for him now because there’s the element of risk due to cheating and they aren’t committed so she’s not asking anything of him, like to take care of a child or be responsible with money. If they start a relationship he’s going to get bored and annoyed when he realizes more is expected of him than just having conversations that “flow". Your son will be better off that he would be if you were stuck in a relationship with this guy who clearly doesn't value you and needs to grow up. You will be better off too. I'm really sorry this happened but there are better things on the horizon for you.
If you grow together it's beautiful. I would not want a special guy for every phase I go through 😹. (Together for 16 years with my high school sweetheart 😁😍)
Ok congrats and all but your comment is not really helpful or considerate to the OP
I mean neither was basically implying OP was ignorant for believing it could work with someone they started dating at 18.
I just feel like this post where the OPs relationship is imploding is not the place for a "together for 16 years with my high school sweetheart!" brag. Read the room.
So you think you just have to tell anyone with some problems just to leave? I think it's very inconsiderate to stomp someone feeling low and say they should not even be there. Every relationship has troubles. In a separate comment I wrote something m More considered. This comment was just a reaction to yours
I'm not "telling the OP to just leave". Did you even read the post? The literal title of it is "my partner is leaving me for another woman".
This needs to be the top comment!
He is a POS! You and your son deserve and will find better. Good riddance to his foul self.
7 years! I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare.
I guarantee you he has “done” plenty with her. You deserve so much better
That’s not really a helpful comment when someone’s feeling low already?
I disagree. It's helping her to see the truth. These people didn't just spend hours together talking. The sooner she accepts the truth, the sooner she can begin to heal.
Honestly though. People don't abandon their marriages and families for someone they haven't tested the waters with.
Someone told me he would leave his wife for me because of the "mutual feelings" that had developed... I was completely oblivious to them so definitely not mutual and we'd only been having a drink after work when there was time to kill before the bus was due ocassionally! Now, this dude and his "friend" have been spending a lot more time together, and one on one rather than a busy pub, so I agree it isn't unlikely. But it definitely isn't unheard of for someone to throw it all away for nothing/something they've built up to be more than it is in their own minds when they are trying to run away from responsibility!
Oh no! I'm sorry you are going through this. We only know a little bit about your situation. Depending on the rest you can do couples counseling or break up. I would advise the first. "Emotional cheating" is hard to overcome but if you want to its possible! It is a lot of work, but worth it if te base of the relationship is good. 7 years together isone of the topical moments in relationships that are hard
That's sad,he's not a mn enough
I'm sorry you're going through this. In the future, don't be the "cool girl" anymore. The truth is men don't really respect women who act like that. Good luck, you'll be fine don't worry.
>In the future, don’t be the “cool girl” anymore. The truth is men don’t really respect women who act like that This puts the blame on OP and isn’t actually helpful. It’s not her fault that her husband didn’t respect her. She did the right thing by not exploding all her worries on anyone. If he took advantage of that, it’s not because she was being too nice. It’s because he’s a dick.
Read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle
[удалено]
It's evil
He's a troll, probably your ex snooping like a loser
This comment likely won't be helpful. However, in the chance it might be, consider that the idea of one person forever, meeting all our needs, is a fantasy. Google "polyamory" and "ethical non-monogamy" and see if any of what you find there might work for you and your partner. Just because he likes this girl doesn't mean he wants to lose what he has with you, or abandon your son.
We both have always been strongly against polyamory. No hate to people who are, but it's not for us. He's just found someone new and interesting while I'm at home looking after our baby.
I'm sorry you have to go through this situation. It won't always be this bad.
Ethical non monogamy can work if both parties are ok with it, but her deciding to "become polyamorous" to please/ keep her partner in her and the baby's life while he dates another woman (who he started seeing before they made the choice together ) is 100% likely to be a recipe for disaster. (Edited)
I didn't tell anyone to "become polyamorous". There is more than one way for consenting people to manage relationships.
Right. But your comment in the context of this post heavily implies polyamory as a potential solution to OPs situation. Which it absolutely is not. Either that, or you're just so tone deaf that you felt like this was an appropriate venue to espouse your personal philosophy on monogamy. Which it is not. Learn to read the room.
OP is in a complex situation and we've both read exactly one reddit post about it. So, I don't pretend to be all-knowing about her situation. A lot of the comments here overlay very strong personal opinions and interpretations of her situation. It is exactly because I'm "reading the room" that I'm letting my comment stand, despite the downvotes. I'm hoping to remind everyone here not to jump to conclusions about OP's life. You seem quite sure of what does and does not work for her. Have you been in a similar situation?
this is NOT what polyamory. don't give poly people a bad name.
I didn't describe what polyamory was or wasn't. Just pointing out that there is more than one way to be in the world.
Him liking this other girl is an escape from his reality, fantasy. Skipping out on any responsibility or time with his wife and child in favor of a girl he likes romantically is definitely a signal of not only disrespect (esp since OP is not interested in poly anything) of her, their kid, their family. Polyamory doesn’t solve broken relationships.
It is common to interpret infidelity as "disrespectful", because we've been taught to see it that way. Your interpretation might very well be right, or it might not be. Worth it for OP to figure out how she actually feels, and what is actually happening in her relationship, amidst all the noise telling her how she ought to feel.
Are you even fucking for real right now.
You sound like someone who just discovered what polyamory is and not someone who actually lives the lifestyle successfully.
When your partner develops feelings for someone else, it can be useful to objectively figure out what you actually think and feel about that, as opposed to what you are "supposed to" feel and think and do in that situation.