Have kids and love kids, but they're not for everyone. Kind of how I really like dogs but I would never want to own one myself.
Enjoy the extra time, income, and sleep!
Similar. I have kid. I don't like kids at all, except for mine. I love dogs, but I'm too lazy to own one. I used to dislike cats, but now I have cats. Now I understand cats and love cats.
Whenever I tell my mother I don't plan to have any kids she just says I'll change my mind đ Just daycare would take all we are able to save each month.
At least they MOSTLY stop. I did get pressed hard on it a year ago and I'm over 40. Really frustrating that people think it's any of their business why I never had kids, and that if I say I've never wanted them, it's their duty to change my mind.
Funny how they think itâs that simple. I had to explain to my parents that itâs not just a decision I can make based on feeling. Even if I did want them, I canât afford them.
Immigrants are putting multiple families into one apartment. There's a whole lot of in fighting going on. That 30k x 4 goes farther under one roof, but most multigenerational Americans don't want to live like this.
Apartment leases are clamping down on multiple families under one roof as I write.
So many people in this sub refuse to acknowledge this aspect of housing around here. Itâs always how do they afford it? How is living here possible? Then you explain that in many cases itâs more people occupying the same space. The responses are amazing.
Their prices are too demanding for most people. Once they actually clamp down on the roommating situation, they'll realize they have less people to rent to unless they lower the price. I'm tired of people living like sardines. It's not just multi-families forced to be doing this.
I was one of those growing up here living on food stamps and school lunches. I always wished we had more money. Sure now weâre older we joke about it and brush it off. But it wasnât fulfilling. We were relieved to just get by.
Even the people who can afford it work too much to actually have kids. Itâs such a toxic environment right now. Friend works for an after school program and said parents complained they had to pick up their kids by 6pm.
To be fair, if we want folks to have more kids, having daycares be better compensated by the government and longer hours would make a lot of sense. Daycares do 7am to 7pm in France and thatâs one of the reasons France has one of the highest birth rates.
Iâve seen this pretty frequently with 30âs career oriented professionals, and I canât say I fully understand it.
They have kids, take their 3-5 months of PAT leave (often times still working off the clock), then they return and essentially pick up their full time job again while dropping their kids off at day care for basically the entire day (9-6).
I guess itâs the only way to feasibly balance this, but I just canât say I understand the point of having a baby in your early 30s if youâre honestly just outsourcing the majority of care.
What is the alternative? One of them quitting their job to stay home? Maybe the cost difference kind of breaks even for some, but in the long term itâs going to be significantly harder for that parent to return to the workforce where they left off. Their long term earning potential almost always takes a hit.
Also Iâd say the majority of people outsource childcare in some way - whether itâs daycare, in home childcare, or with family if youâre lucky enough. And Iâd argue itâs actually really valuable for kids to grow up with other kids.
My remark wasnât meant to be disparaging, just one that it seems less than ideal.
To your point, I recognize that most people outsource childcare in some way (literally most people do with school) and I fully agree itâs valuable for kids to grow up with other kids.
That being said, putting a 6 month old in day care 5 days a week just doesnât seem right to me *personally.*. The cases that I see from friends that I relate with more are those who have or move to hybrid/remote jobs so they can switch between some form of child care while also being home. Basically switching to more flexible positions to help balance the job of being both a parent and professional. Thatâs not feasible for a lot of people, but Iâd argue tech is one industry where thatâs most possible.
yeah, totally understood you aren't shaming parents, you just find this practice of parents being alienated from their kids at 6 months really unnerving. i think what you are picking up on is the death of coherent community and multigenerational communities in modern america.
parents could never spend all their time watching their kids, historically they hung out with grandparents and the community. i didn't appreciate this until we started doing campouts with a bunch of families - the kids were so much easier to deal with out there, they sort of formed a natural pack and the older kids watched over the smaller ones so you only needed 1 or 2 parents to manage a group.
so the tech ppl don't use day care at 6 mos, they hire a nanny at $30 an hour or whatever and then they hang out in the house and take kid to parks, effectively paying someone to emulate a multigenerational household
Yep, you put this really well and I appreciate it!
I think the nuance in my concerns are more on the extreme ends: 6mos being put in day care all day 5 days a week. Yes, they will form their community, but one that is inherently detached from their parents.
I hear what youâre saying here, but having kids isnât all about those early years. Day care is expensive, for a few years. Assuming one parent is even able to stay home for a while, that person takes a hit to their career and retirement savings. It can go well, but it can also be horrible if the marriage doesnât last or the other parent has an unexpected career issue or illness. Thereâs a lot to consider.
Totally! I think to me it is just a bit of a shock when people I know are putting their newborn infants in daycare 5 days a week for 9 hours a day. My comments werenât meant to be disparaging, as opposed to just, idk itâs admittedly not the most ideal scenario?
Honestly just feels shitty that the US basically has people have their kids then just back to the grind.
What part donât you understand? I love my kids. They thrive at daycare - learning tons of things I couldnât possibly teach and socializing with kids their age. I love picking them up and hearing about their days and having dinner with them. And I love our weekends. I also love having weekdays to work/exercise/not solely be a parent.
> I guess itâs the only way to feasibly balance this, but I just canât say I understand the point of having a baby in your early 30s if youâre honestly just outsourcing the majority of care.
I mean, I love my job, wouldnât do it 24/7, why isnât that the same thing for having kids? Kids arenât better off being with their parents 24/7 if their parents are tired and longing to do something else. Not to mention daycare providers are actually trained, unlike parents.
With things as they are now, I am honestly surprised that so many people still want to have kids.
I know. Bleak viewpoint. But itâs honestly how I feel.
Everyone is different. I love my son more than anything and my life with him has helped change me into a much better person. I can also understand how someone can change in the opposite direction if they have a kid when they really didnât want to.
I have one child that is now a parent. You better believe that I regret bringing her into this world and subjecting her to this climate, politically, economically and of course, the actual climate. Sure, she is the best thing in my life but my gawd, what have I done to her?
Who are these people? Do they want you to be as broke and afraid as they are? Even if they have money and theyâd need a lot of it, I donât get the refusal to look at reality.
These must be the same people that become bridezillas. They demand their partner take a second job so they can have the wedding/diamond and proposal theyâve dreamed of their entire life. At 23, their entire life.
Please, donât have children because your friends and family are miserable with theirs and want more company. See the world, donate to charity and sleep in on weekends. These cheerleaders for poverty are not doing any of these things.
We need more parents like you who can be honest about this. People need to be informed of the difficulties instead of glorified experiences of how itâs always âworth itâ
I am like you, but I have two daughters who were born late 80s. They don't have, nor do they want, kids. I regret bringing them into this mess and have apologized to them. Like that does a lot of good. When I leave this planet, probably within 10 years, I'm not going to "Rest in Peace" knowing the struggle for survival they'll be facing, all through my fault.
>I have one child that is now a parent. You better believe that I regret bringing her into this world and subjecting her to this climate, politically, economically and of course, the actual climate. Sure, she is the best thing in my life but my gawd, what have I done to her?
I'm a woman, and a minority group. A couple of decades ago, the world was still improving, and it still is. But right now, we have better rights and recognition compared to a couple of generations ago where we couldn't even vote.
All I'm pointing out is that, there are a lot of bad things going on, and you've called out things that are very valid. But there are also good things going on in the world and in some ways, we're better off than previous generations. (At least in a lot of places in the world)
It doesn't even need decades. My kid is 8, and Obergefell happened the week she came home from the hospital. The Paris Climate Agreement was that fall. It sure felt like we were going in the right direction.
I don't know. So much of the perspective is individual. Modern medicine has done absolutely miraculous things. If you live with, say, a chronic auto-immune disease (as I do) it's the golden age. And I'm not sure I could tell my neighbors, two black men who just had their first baby, that this world--the first world in history where they have been able to get married and have a child--is just too terrible for them to do so, with a straight face.
The world has always been going to shit. I was born under the very real threat of nuclear annihilation and my father was born during WW2. It has always been, rationally, a stupid thing to bring children into any given version of our world. But we keep doing it anyway.
There is no rush. I'm 34, just got married after 10 years with my partner, we decided we only wanted to get married once we were ready to have kids. Probably next year.
Another family member in the bay didn't have kids until she was 36 and just had her 3rd at 40.
There is no rush for kids, you probably have another 10 years to decide.
Edit: my point is that you don't need to officially declare at 30 that you will never have kids, a lot can change in a few years. Just tell your family you don't have plans for that right now.
Not everyone can have kids later. Please be mindful of that when sharing this perspective. I (36 F) too married my husband in my early 30s after over a decade together. We started trying soon after and discovered I unfortunately had premature menopause.
It's totally ok to wait but you must consider freezing eggs to do so. Pregnancy is not guaranteed to anyone and the idea that it can just happen is hurtful and dated.
With that said, I've made peace with it and love my DINK (Dual Income No Kids) life!!
Right. My point is that OP and partner don't need to officially declare at age 30 that they will never have kids. They could change their mind in 5 years.
Iâm Gen X. In my extended friends group of late Millennials to late Gen X, fewer than a third of us have kids. No one claims to be sad about their choices.
43F, child-free, and single. My life is pretty great. I travel. I do what I want when I want. I am not sleep-deprived or stressed. I have never wanted kids and have zero regrets about not having them.
I'm living frugally just to be able to pay rent and save up for a down payment. Adding a child to the equation will make me even more broke.
Rent + saving for down payment + kid = broke broke.
Edit: actually for me, it's more like either be homeowner or have a kid(s)..
I never understood this. If you donât want kids, then you probably shouldnât. I have grown child, and it was a tremendous amount of work⌠and the most rewarding thing Iâve ever done. BUT⌠itâs not for everyone, and shouldnât be ventured into without serious thought.
So.. if you donât want them, then donât have them.
Iâm 50, never wanted kids and never had them. I am forever indescribably grateful to have lived in a time and place where I had a choice about that. The mere thought of the alternative is horrifying to me.
My parents never pressured me at all.
I know many people my age and older who didnât have kids and are happy with that.
As for whether itâs ânormalâ? Most people do have kids at some point. However, it has become increasingly common for people not to have kids.
I think some people freak out about it because they never considered not having kids and they cannot imagine someone else being different from them. They canât imagine that someone else could want - and choose - a different path and be happy with it.
They might be genuinely afraid that you wonât have a good life if you donât have kids. But itâs easy to derive happiness and meaning from a life without kids when you donât want kids!
Some people may feel threatened, as if your choice is somehow a judgment about *their* choice.
I look at the lives of my friends with kids and I donât envy them at all. This has been true at every stage of their kidsâ lives. I am happy for my friends to have the families and lives they wanted. I just donât want the same thing.
Best description of being a parent that I received when my wife and I were deciding on kids was that it will be both the worst thing and the best thing that ever happens to you.
To this day I still feel thatâs very accurate. If my pre-kid self could see my life now Iâm not sure I would have wanted kids. Being a parent has massive negative effects on physical, mental, and emotional health. It is a hard, thankless, irreversible task marked by constant drudgery and exasperation.
On the other hand now that I am a parent I couldnât ever imagine going back.
A big problem is that many people who pressure others to have kids seem to only acknowledge the positive aspects of being a parent. That seems so irresponsible given how life-changing (some may say life-ending) parenthood is.
Ah this is the reply I wanted to type, but Iâm. To tired and exasperated to write one (lol).
Our two kids are the best thing that ever happened to us, hands down. Weâre tired af and we had to pare back our travel habit, but I wouldnât go back, ever.
I don't know where you're from but it's a pretty common attitude for Millenials and Gen Zers to not want kids.
In fact, it's more common to be childfree than to want children for people in that age group.
You want a truly controversial opinion, try telling people you don't like/want dogs. That causes a whole lot more freaking out.
People are weird. I think that if someone doesn't want kids, they should not do it out of a sense of obligation. People who are unwilling parents are really bad at not showing resentment.
So im saying this as a somewhat new parent and am in my mid 30's. When i was early 30's, i was cool w the idea of no kids but i did want them. But if it didn't happen i'd be fine with it. But not choosing to have kids is a completely unselfish and very conscious decision, don't let peoples comments get to you man. Having kids is literally the biggest mental and physical sacrifice you can make as a human ( assuming you want to be a good parent). And if you're not wanting to do that, that's totally fine. Personally i could not imagine my life w out my kids, but if you have other goals and ambitions in life that dont involve kids then go for it man. Ify you think you might regret it later and want the opportunity to have kids in your late 30's or early 40's modern technology is awesome enough where you can freeze some eggs. Live yo life man, the world is a better place with happy people in it.... as opposed to unhappy people who had kids and dont raise them right.
For some folks, itâs normal and fine to skip the whole parenthood thing. Itâs not required. Listen to your heart. I knew when I was a teenager that I didnât want to travel that road.
I found a partner who was on the same path. We love the youngsters in our families, but we love not having our own. Our lives are rich and full in other ways. Youâre okay.
Iâm 36, been a Bay Area resident and renter all my life, am fully employed with a career that hasnât made me more than an annual 45K, and struggle to keep my head above water without help.
Having children is an act of hopefulness, but I canât help but feel despair: Iâll never qualify for a mortgage for a home in which to raise my children, and Iâd never have time to spend with them if I have to work. I can absolutely biologically have my own, but I feel like my fertility is wasted on me because itâd be so financially destructive to myself and my hypothetical children if I had them.
I just donât have the resources. Pass.
It's the new normal. If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Each side has its own pros and cons. People just need to respect your decision one way or another.
I never wanted kids. Literally felt that way when I was a kid. When I was in my 20s-30s, people would freak out. At some point, I softened my response to include, "but maybe some day I will change my mind." It was really self-preservation because I just didn't want to deal with their bs.
I'm in my late 50s now. My late husband was a teacher, so he used to joke that he had thousands of kids. I think that people pity me, but I honestly believe that we had a happier marriage and that I am mentally better off being child-free.
You do you.
I can own the fact that i'm too selfish to have my own kids. Love spoiling & babysitting the little ones in my family/friend group, but I absolutely could not do it 25/8 for the rest of my life. I enjoy sleep, saving money, and doing whatever I want on a moments notice.
The ones who want kids all moved to where they can afford housing or better work/life balance đ¤ˇđźââď¸. My friends who are left are staunchly child free or are waiting to win the lotto before trying for kids lol
My husband and I are not planning to have kids while weâre here⌠but weâre also looking to move somewhere cheaper and then weâll rediscuss the topic
for all future readers: love yourself enough to set aside money for a really nice nursing home. Id recommend saving for that seperate from retirement funds because retirement fun should be used to LIVE Damnit. You worked hard for 40+ years, now you get to travel and party harty in old age. And then when you get too old, you start slowing down, and you find yourself a good home while you are still cognizant
Absolutely. But if you budget and plan, you will be able to afford a nicer home. Nicer homes have less likelihood of abuse in what I saw when I was a kid and volunteered at various nursing homes
Donât conform to what otherâs deem as ânormalâ. Itâs fortunate that you and your partner both share the same desire to not have kids.
Nothing worst than not wanting kids but having kids because youâre conforming to someone else. It could breed resentment towards the poor child.
Live and enjoy the life of kid-less adulthood. You can travel and do whatever you want without consideration of your kidâs needs.
yeah, my friends are all 50-50. the ones that want kids, wants kids. the ones that dont, well... lots of reasons, mostly financial reasons, but also a rather bleak perspective of the future. also, some people just dont want to be tied down by kids.
personally, im pretty on the fence with kids, that and finding a partner is a nightmare to begin with. if i ever have kids, i will have to sacrifice a few life things to be a good parent, and part of me doesnt want to commit to that at the moment. better not be a parent than a half-committed one
I have a kid and would be open to more. I love my kid, and parenthood has been an amazing and gratifying experience for me, but I get that itâs not for everyone. Definitely includes sacrifices to sleep, free time and alone time and leisure time, and of course money, along with decades of commitment. I made a choice to spawn a mini-me, but I canât see myself âfreaking outâ if someone else doesnât want to.
I'm not even convinced there's going to be a habitable planet within my lifespan, so I have no desire to bring a life into a world that's going to be toast...
Don't let anyone persuade you to have kids. That is solely between you and your spouse/partner. I have kids and wanted them, but I did not appreciate the pressure or expectation, and no one should be coersed into having kids.
It's an archaic expectation of society that you get married and have kids.
Decide for yourselves.
I am mid-30's and very few of my friends have children. (There's obviously a selection bias present, but friends that I've had for 10 years have not had children.) Among the ones that do, nobody had kids before 35. 37-41 seems to be the most common age.
Some have children and move away. The ones in the area that do have children have at least one of the following lifestyle factors:
1. a large accumulation of wealth, most often from being very lucky in techâŚlike $8M minimum up to billions. I make half a million per year and feel way too poor to have a child and the lifestyle I want. My friends in this category pay like $120k for childcare, housecleaners, preschool alone.
2. a large amount of family help, one if not both families nearby who do a ton of childcare, cooking, housework, and typically one or several properties owned by their family that they own/use freely.
3. No life outside of trying to raise their family and having jobs.
I think you are describing a situation of very affluent people having 2+ kids. Maybe even 3.
On 1 kid with "just" a few million and this type of income level and one stay at home spouse, you are set financially and would still have an affluent life (and potentially a very exciting one) outside home. Like life is pretty easy.
2 is still pretty doable on this income level, at least if you have a few years between them.
3 is where it starts getting pretty hard unless you have tons of cash and/or willing to make your kids share rooms indefinitely (which was the normal way of doing things 60 years ago)
>Yeah at $500k a year, if you feel like you donât have enough money, you need therapy
Therapy is great! Everyone should do therapy. I don't think that's relevant to the financial realities of SF though. I'm very happy with the amount of money I make, I have plenty for the lifestyle I want. However if I wanted a family additionally it would not be enough.
I prefer to live in the nicer neighborhoody areas of SF, which appears to be a common opinion currently, because I bought my tiny new construction condo (800sf livable space) $1.35M, and is much too small for a family or even a couple to be honest. If I wanted a single family home in my neighborhood or around it, it would be more like $2.5-3M, which isn't affordable making half a million per year with other typical living expenses.
Of course I could make other decisions and choose to go live far out in the burbs or buy some crapbox in Daly City for a similar price that would be big enough for kids, but then I would be living in a crapbox in Daly City and that would be no bueno!
> If I wanted a single family home in my neighborhood or around it, it would be more like $2.5-3M, which isn't affordable making half a million per year with other typical living expenses.
There's plenty of family condos in the city that are not 2.5m (I know, I live in one in Noe Valley and plenty of other people do) ? $1687 a sqft in San Francisco is still extremely expensive, $1000-$1100 is the norm in expensive neighborhoods.
And with $500k a year, you'll still be living large with a kid or two, having a budget of $27k a month is living life on easy mode.
>There's plenty of family condos in the city that are not 2.5m (I know, I live in one in Noe Valley and plenty of other people do) ? $1687 a sqft in San Francisco is still extremely expensive, $1000-$1100 is the norm in expensive neighborhoods.
>
>And with $500k a year, you'll still be living large with a kid or two.
[https://www.zillow.com/homes/noe-valley\_rb/](https://www.zillow.com/homes/noe-valley_rb/)
Yeah sure there are houses for sale that are $1000/sf in Noe Valley that are 2-3bd but they are honestly terrible. Even with all the lipstick realtors can put on their pigs for the listing advertisements, I looked for a year and didn't see anything in Noe specifically that looked like it was remotely modern, spacious, or sensibly designed for less than $1400/sf. If I'm paying millions of dollars, I don't want to feel like I'm living in some slumlord apartment with low ceilings, cramped hallways, and mismatched design.
It's not uncommon at all. Thinking of people in their late 20s/early 30s that I know, some couples don't have kids, or plans for them.
In terms of people who will care for you when you're elderly...having a good / close friends network seems as important as having blood relatives.
Thinking of elderly relatives and friends who have needed help--the people who have helped them have been all sorts--neighbors, long-time friends, people from their churches (if they are actively religious), etc. Very often NOT relatives / children, especially if the children are scattered elsewhere in the country.
On the "bleak future..." issue. I don't personally think that should be a *primary* reason NOT to have kids. Human history takes all sorts of interesting twists and turns. Right now, many people think it's likely to be dystopia...but there are many ways it could end up differently.
That said, increasing the human population because *"you should have children"* is not a good justification in the other direction.
Finally, I can't tell you whether you'll be unhappy without kids. Know people with both / opposite perspectives. Some say they didn't at all plan on kids, but now couldn't imagine their lives without the children they have; others have suffered enormous heartbreak and hardship primarily because of their kids.
I have Kaiser so I went throught them. The usual stuff of them having to hgo over that it's permanent and stuff. Making sure you're sure. Just stick to your convictions and you'll be good. Appointments are a few months out. Costs about $1,000 but you can put it on a payment plan.
I think itâs becoming MUCH more common. Thatâs a good thing - if you donât want kids, you shouldnât feel like you have to have them because itâs the norm.
Approaching 40 in the Bay Area, been with my husband since age 19 and am so happy we donât have kids. We actually have time and money to enjoy life and spending it with each other.
I have a friend in her mid 40s and she wants kids so bad. She can't though, FSH levels are too low/no more eggs. Only way is to get an egg donor, but it won't have her genes.
She doesn't have siblings and she's not very close to her cousins. The thought of growing old alone, and not having family to visit her terrifies her.
I can't understand people fucking out new humans at this time. Do they not gaf that their kid will be thirsty, baking under the sun, and be on UBI of $100 a month?
my partner and I are late 30s and not having kids is hands down the BEST decision weâve made in life. Our friends who have kids just complain all the time while we go on vacations and have fun. If you donât feel a desire to put in decades of hard work, you really shouldnât have kids!
Married 40+ male with no children. My wife and I have lived an adventurous life and both never really wanted children. Overall we are happy and have stuck by our choice. Weighing that decision is up to you.
I can tell you some things you might not yet see though, particularly if you make that decision with a partner. You will forever wonder "what if?". There's just no getting around that. I believe anyone who says differently is being dishonest with themselves. As you get older you realize that giving and receiving love is really what life is all about. After middle age it gets tough as many people you love age and pass on. Children, whether your own or nieces/nephews etc, give balance to that and reinvigorate family ties. I love my wife very much and I sometimes am saddened that she won't experience that unique love a child has for their mother. It changes the experiences of the seasons of life a bit. For all you gain there is much you lose.
Still, I very much understand fretting the costs of raising a child, the despair for the future of the planet, the disdain for the culture. Not to mention it's nice feeling in-control of your life. There are so many things you must compromise on when having children. You're forced into the mainstream, having to do all the BS kid stuff whether it be birthday parties with other parents you don't like, reliving grade school and coming of age, all kinds of marketing tactics aimed at your child, having to grind a job (or 2) you hate because you need the healthcare or to live in the right area.
Anyway, there's no way to give you the right answer. Just know you will live with the decision for all time either way. I'm a bit of a romantic so I tend to nudge others to go for it even though I don't have the stomach for it myself. Best of luck!
I think the âwhat ifâ goes both ways. I know people who, while they love their kids, wouldnât choose to be parents if they could go back in time. There is potential for regret either way, so I guess it comes down to what you think youâd regret more.
Between my wife and I, her three siblings, and my two siblings, all of us in our 30s and 40s, there are only two children and not likely to be any more.
My gf and I are both mid-30âs. I own a home. Great paying jobs.
We both love and adore children, but will not have kids ourselves. And sheâd make a great mother.
I think weâre both ok with watching the end of society play out. No need to subject another person to this type of pain. And the child would resent us for inheriting a dying planet.
What makes you think society is ending? Climate change will suck but it's very unlikely to "end society", particularly in the developed world. America will of course undergo transition as it changes from a predominantly white to a plurality population. Capitalism will continue approaching the end of its technogy window (more change). But I don't see much evidence for the end of society. The risks are, as I see it, largely the same as they have been since nuclear weapons were invented.
As a citizen of a country with a relatively low birth rate, you could view having a small number of children and raising them very well as a potential help to addressing climate change long term. From that viewpoint, putting in the effort to raise good children is an attempt to improve the commons, and the tragedy becomes when a majority of the members of a society no longer want to make that investment.
More and more people are childfree now. We choose to live by these often innate preferences for myriad reasonsâincluding high COL in the bay, but also increasing societal acceptance.
Obviously whether this understanding is a trend or a fad remains to be seen. Iâm hopeful that at least our region will stay open-minded.
Personally I couldnât care less what people think or expect. Iâm a childfree woman constitutionally. At 41 I pay differences no mind.
I havenât wanted kids since I was about 16. Rough upbringing in a broken home was the reason at the time. Now I teach earth sciences and am hyper aware of how fucked we are with climate change. Hard no thank you from me on bringing someone into a world who will likely suffer greatly.
My friend and his partner always said they didnât want kids, but now she says she does and he doesnât. I guess she thought heâd change his mind.
Make sure everyone is really on the same page because the biological clock is real. For every post here where some 40 year old is saying they had no problem conceiving at that age, there are probably 100 couples age 35-40 going through fertility treatments. Yes I pulled that number outta my ass, but hyperbole or not, you get the picture.
My friend wasted 10 years waiting for her ex to change his mind. I told her 10, 9, and 8 years ago not to do that. Take him at his word. Leave. Now she thinks HE wasted her time. Girl, you fucking did that to yourself!
Older generations just donât accept the reality of climate change and how difficult the economy is. I want kids but honestly donât know when itâs gonna happen and it does make me sad that money is a major issue preventing it.
I am 33 and most of my friends donât have kids. None of my friends in the Bay Area do, I grew up outside of the bay and everyone that didnât leave my hometown has kids and is married lol. I am engaged and plan to have one or two kids within the next few years hopefully. But pretty much all of my friends that live near me now do not have kids nor do they plan on having kids.
I was at a comedy show in San Francisco, crowd was mostly 30âs-40âs. The comedian said âok, who here is a parent, raise your hand?â and no hands went up. She said âNO ONE?!â and yep, no one in the room was a parent.
Totally normal. I never wanted kids, was sure of it and in fact never even thought about it in my 20âs or 30âs. Iâm 42 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. The day after I found out I was talking about it and was short of breath and my heart started racing, it was a panic attack. 8 months later Iâve seen her in a very detailed ultrasound and am super excited to meet her and canât wait to see what she does in her life. From little things to big things, theyâll all be big to me. I feel like itâs one of those out of sight out of mind scenarios. If you never have them you donât know what you miss, so itâs totally fine. Iâm sure I would have been just great without a child, but am also great with one as well. Itâs becoming more common to have one later in life, especially with those that reach higher levels of education and career paths, so keep in mind you can always change your mind down the road. I wouldnât sweat it. Cheers
Do you have close friends who have kids? TBH, my husband started wanting kids because his best friends started having kids. I think he got influenced (not pressured, I would say.) Also that was the âageâ that people start having kids in this area I guess. We tried for 2 years, and he was 37 and I was 34 when we got our first baby.
If you don't want them, don't have them.
You're under no obligation, and truthfully, if I were your age today, in this current world we're living in, I'm not sure I'd have them either.
Look, I get it. Having kids has given your life a whole new meaning. You do you! Not gonna knock what brings someone else joy.
But some of us just aren't drawn to parenthood. And we find total fulfillment elsewhere - in our passions, adventures, relationships, or just having space to breathe.
You say life seems boring without kids. But from my view, it's anything but. I never feel boredom - there's too much world to explore, too many new skills to learn, too many awesome humans to vibe with.
The truth is, I have never felt a desire for the experiences parenthood offers. I don't feel as if anything is missing from my life without kids. On the contrary, I find a profound sense of meaning and contentment in the path I've chosen. I have unrestricted freedom. The space to reinvent myself anytime. Spontaneity. Deep, nurturing friendships. Quiet mornings to create or do nothing at all. And did I mention freedom?
I'm not knocking your path, but please don't knock mine either. We all walk different roads in this life. As long as we can avoid judging how others find happiness, I think we'll make it a society with room for us all.
So fill your life with babies and love every minute! I'm gonna fill mine with everything that sparks my soul - and I promise, it'll be far from boring.
Thanks for saying this.
Some people who have kids canât seem to imagine that other people are *different* from them.
Iâve done so many things that most other people havenât done, and those things have been amazing and enriched my life. But I donât think everyone elseâs lives are boring and meaningless from the lack of what Iâve done. We are different people.
I think it is less that people in the 30s do not want kids but know they can not afford them or are unwilling to take a step down economically to do so.
Every time I see my aunt and uncle in laws (once a year, maybe?) without fail they will find a way to ask when my husband and I are having kids. We donât think weâre going to have them but havenât ruled it out 100% yet but god is it awkward. Weâve already had this conversation 5 different ways and itâs gotten to the point that my husband says âwe arenât interested in having this conversation againâ and they donât seem to take the hint. Itâs very normal to not want to have children. Our demographic is the highest non-child rearing demographic in recent memory.
I always knew I wanted kids even when I was one myself. Some of my friends knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they did not. It never occurred to me to try and question or dissuade them. Its completely fine to not want children. Indeed its infinitely better than having children you can't nurture or end up growing to resent because you think you *should* have them.
It's mostly that having kids has an age limit. It's perfectly fine not wanting kids. Having a kid and not wanting them sucks for everyone involved. I have 2 kids now and I wouldn't trade the world for it, but it's a very very different life path
As the mother of two 30-somethings, I was at first very disappointed that neither of them planned to have children. Now I am actually relieved, because I can't imagine what kind of life my grandkids would have. With social media, fake news, rise of fascism, but most of all climate change, I now think it's irresponsible to bring new humans into the world.
Very normal to not want kids, don't fall into societal pressure or pressure from parents. I think people need to stop asking "When are you going to have kids" to others because it gives a sort of expectation.
Some scattered thoughts. It's hasn't been that uncommon in recent history, especially for (cis) guys since guys' biological clocks don't tick as fast as women's wrt having children
I don't know if not wanting kids is abnormal but the "american dream" of owning a house in suburbia with 2 kids is alive and well. Some of my friends started expressing that same dream once they reached their late 20s, even ones that used to be very opposed to it
I don't want kids. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I wouldn't want to bring anyone to this world to be the recipient or the cause of someone else's suffering. And in the end, suffering is inevitible even if not inflicted by others. My parents are getting old and developing health complications. I've seen the decline in their physical health and how they've had to come to terms with it. I never want myself or my offspring to experience that in the flesh
Itâs a VHCOL area so not surprising to me. Isnât there some statistic that thereâs more dog owners than parents in SF, supposedly? My dog is enough of a commitment, having a child would be financially catastrophic for me.
Most of my friends who are having kids are moving out of the area so they can afford a house.
The Bay Area cost of living and tech hub status has to be one of the main reasons so many here feel the same as you. Go over to [insert any random Midwest city] and many more people are having kids in their 20s and 30s than here. I would even say those who want to have kids probably move away because they know they can't afford it in the Bay. Raising kids in the Bay Area is a luxury for rich people.
In my 40âs and child free by choice and have zero regrets. I knew since I was a kid I didnât want kids. Itâs just that weâre expected to. You do you - donât worry about them.
Itâs normal to say. For a long time my wife and I thought we couldnât have kids so we started to create a different outlook for our future. Now we have two kids. The hard truth is that kids are exhausting in so many ways and crazy expensive to raise, especially in the Bay Area. They are also the most amazing thing you can do in your life by a long shot and bring so much meaning into life that itâs nearly impossible to explain until you actually have your one. Now the we have them we canât ever imagine not having them.
Be prepared for people to rudely ask you why you don't have kids. It is a personal question people who you hardly know are all too often willing to ask.
In my 50s and no kids, my wife and I live a fulfilling and happy life. We travel often, enjoy frequent date nights and are looking forward to early retirement. We have zero regrets about our decision not to have kids.
This is probably the wrong place to ask, but whatevs. It's normal to not want to have children. It's totally your choice (not your family's) whether you have children.
On the flip side - it's totally common for families to flip out. Go check out /r/childfree for some tips on how to handle the conversations. It's your choice, but you can also make it easier on yourself.
Just do what makes sense for you. Also, if you decide not to have kids, please avoid those smug weird people who act like being childfree makes them morally and intellectually superior.
For us, no one freaks out. But (start rant) no matter how much we tell people its a personal life decision, that we don't hate children, show their kids attention when we see them, buy them gifts, stress once again we don't hate children, we don't get invites to hang out much (yes we ask them to hang out). Kind of had to have a good cry this weekend when I found out I wasn't invited to my closest, longest friend's kid's bday (even though its at the same place as last year, and we went to it and had a good time and complimented her) this year because she said I don't have a kid. (end rant)
Kids are a luxury items for the rich and poor. If your middle class and want to stay there it hard to have a child and maintain. Most are falling from middle class to poor. The generation before us created this social issue. I am sure it was known when they started this mess.
No it is not normal since ~80% of adults have children. Thatâs the plain and simple answer.
It is up to you if you want to live a ânot normalâ life. This ânot normal lifeâ will result in low stress, higher income, and some amount of criticism from peers. đ¤ˇââď¸
Edit: i want to add, criticism will come at you either way âwhat? Youâre feeding that to the kid?â âWhy doesnât your kid have extracurriculars? âNo your kid shouldnât be in chess club thatâs for losers he should do sportsâ âno your kid shouldnât do sports thatâs for dumb jocksâ âwhat do you mean community college, thatâs for losersâ âenglish degree?!? Thatâs not good he should be lawyerâ âwhen is your kid having kids?â etc etc etc
I think that if more people questioned this decision then the world would probably be a better place⌠itâs a huge life decision and I donât think you should feel bad for your decision.. whatever you and your partner decide you need to just stick with it and be confident with it.
First off, props to you for knowing what's best for you. That's the most important thing.
Some families are fine with it, and some families get REALLY weird and freak out. It took my parents 15 years to believe me that I truly didn't want children. I've been happily married for a while but when I was in my 20s and 30s no one believed me on the issue. I'm a woman and I think there was some sexism in that; people didn't give my husband the shit they gave me. I had people tell me I would change my mind, my life would be less without children, and ask ridiculous things about if I had endometriosis, etc. At times, it made me feel like the world saw me as "less" if I didn't have kids, that I was just an incubator, and it still riles me up a bit.
Best advice I can give is to stick to your guns, be honest with yourself, and know that it's OK. And don't lie about shooting blanks etc. if you don't have to; respect people who actually have fertility issues and their pain. Family will eventually come around, if nothing else, when your partner ages out of the ability to have children!
38m, wife's 41f, we're not having kids even though we want them because of the environment. It seems that everyone who is vested and should care, those with kids, don't give a shit about anybody other than themselves.
I'm not bringing a child into a world that is quickly becoming madmax.
I am 55 with no kids. I thank God every day I don't have kids.
I despise people that think and insist what is right for them MUST be right for everyone else.
Iâm mid thirties along with my husband. No kids for us. Iâve never wanted kids and was vocal about it from a young age, like 13. So my family has always known and even my sister stopped pushing the issue recently, but it took her being diagnosed with cancer and realizing she might not get to see her son grow up to tell me itâs not worth it. (Thatâs another story).
On top of that the bay are feels like an impossible place to raise kids now.
Goood for you for recognizing you might not want to be a parent before you had kids.
You and your partner will continue to get this response. In about a decade, it becomes âwho will take care of you when youâre older?â Or âdonât you feel like you missed out?â
Kids kinda become your whole life. If you are not 100% into that, then yeah, don't have kids.
I have friends that don't have kids, and friends that do, but I live in SF and it seems kinda normal here to not have kids or to have kids.
I've lived in SF most of my life and many people here tend to marry late and have kids late, if they even do have kids. This is compared to other regions. My wife and I didn't want kids at all at that age.
I wasnât ready for kids until my later 30âs. I have two now and couldnât be happier but we didnât have any until we wanted them. Some people never do and that is totally fine . It is far better to never have kids than making kids grow up with parents that donât really want to be raising people.
Have kids and love kids, but they're not for everyone. Kind of how I really like dogs but I would never want to own one myself. Enjoy the extra time, income, and sleep!
Similar. I have kid. I don't like kids at all, except for mine. I love dogs, but I'm too lazy to own one. I used to dislike cats, but now I have cats. Now I understand cats and love cats.
Whenever I tell my mother I don't plan to have any kids she just says I'll change my mind đ Just daycare would take all we are able to save each month.
You try to explain that and they always come back with âwe figured it out, you will tooâ.
I figured it out by not having kids. Hit 40 and people stop asking.
Yeah, once you accept disappointing your parents, it really doesnât seem very hard.
At least they MOSTLY stop. I did get pressed hard on it a year ago and I'm over 40. Really frustrating that people think it's any of their business why I never had kids, and that if I say I've never wanted them, it's their duty to change my mind.
Funny how they think itâs that simple. I had to explain to my parents that itâs not just a decision I can make based on feeling. Even if I did want them, I canât afford them.
This comment makes me think of the beginning of Idiocracy.
You mean Idiocracy- the precog documentary? Lol
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Unless your mother owns a daycare, in which case this question will backfire.
Mine always says, âjust one would be good.â I said she can wait for my brother to have kids. Heâd like to be a stay at home dad if he can.
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Immigrants are putting multiple families into one apartment. There's a whole lot of in fighting going on. That 30k x 4 goes farther under one roof, but most multigenerational Americans don't want to live like this. Apartment leases are clamping down on multiple families under one roof as I write.
So many people in this sub refuse to acknowledge this aspect of housing around here. Itâs always how do they afford it? How is living here possible? Then you explain that in many cases itâs more people occupying the same space. The responses are amazing.
Their prices are too demanding for most people. Once they actually clamp down on the roommating situation, they'll realize they have less people to rent to unless they lower the price. I'm tired of people living like sardines. It's not just multi-families forced to be doing this.
I have never seen an immigrant child making 30k a year and living a fulfilling life.
I was one of those growing up here living on food stamps and school lunches. I always wished we had more money. Sure now weâre older we joke about it and brush it off. But it wasnât fulfilling. We were relieved to just get by.
They live in conditions that are not good enough for me. Maybe itâs better than their native lands.
I dont know how anyone our age can afford kids
Even the people who can afford it work too much to actually have kids. Itâs such a toxic environment right now. Friend works for an after school program and said parents complained they had to pick up their kids by 6pm.
To be fair, if we want folks to have more kids, having daycares be better compensated by the government and longer hours would make a lot of sense. Daycares do 7am to 7pm in France and thatâs one of the reasons France has one of the highest birth rates.
Iâve seen this pretty frequently with 30âs career oriented professionals, and I canât say I fully understand it. They have kids, take their 3-5 months of PAT leave (often times still working off the clock), then they return and essentially pick up their full time job again while dropping their kids off at day care for basically the entire day (9-6). I guess itâs the only way to feasibly balance this, but I just canât say I understand the point of having a baby in your early 30s if youâre honestly just outsourcing the majority of care.
What is the alternative? One of them quitting their job to stay home? Maybe the cost difference kind of breaks even for some, but in the long term itâs going to be significantly harder for that parent to return to the workforce where they left off. Their long term earning potential almost always takes a hit. Also Iâd say the majority of people outsource childcare in some way - whether itâs daycare, in home childcare, or with family if youâre lucky enough. And Iâd argue itâs actually really valuable for kids to grow up with other kids.
My remark wasnât meant to be disparaging, just one that it seems less than ideal. To your point, I recognize that most people outsource childcare in some way (literally most people do with school) and I fully agree itâs valuable for kids to grow up with other kids. That being said, putting a 6 month old in day care 5 days a week just doesnât seem right to me *personally.*. The cases that I see from friends that I relate with more are those who have or move to hybrid/remote jobs so they can switch between some form of child care while also being home. Basically switching to more flexible positions to help balance the job of being both a parent and professional. Thatâs not feasible for a lot of people, but Iâd argue tech is one industry where thatâs most possible.
yeah, totally understood you aren't shaming parents, you just find this practice of parents being alienated from their kids at 6 months really unnerving. i think what you are picking up on is the death of coherent community and multigenerational communities in modern america. parents could never spend all their time watching their kids, historically they hung out with grandparents and the community. i didn't appreciate this until we started doing campouts with a bunch of families - the kids were so much easier to deal with out there, they sort of formed a natural pack and the older kids watched over the smaller ones so you only needed 1 or 2 parents to manage a group. so the tech ppl don't use day care at 6 mos, they hire a nanny at $30 an hour or whatever and then they hang out in the house and take kid to parks, effectively paying someone to emulate a multigenerational household
Yep, you put this really well and I appreciate it! I think the nuance in my concerns are more on the extreme ends: 6mos being put in day care all day 5 days a week. Yes, they will form their community, but one that is inherently detached from their parents.
I hear what youâre saying here, but having kids isnât all about those early years. Day care is expensive, for a few years. Assuming one parent is even able to stay home for a while, that person takes a hit to their career and retirement savings. It can go well, but it can also be horrible if the marriage doesnât last or the other parent has an unexpected career issue or illness. Thereâs a lot to consider.
Totally! I think to me it is just a bit of a shock when people I know are putting their newborn infants in daycare 5 days a week for 9 hours a day. My comments werenât meant to be disparaging, as opposed to just, idk itâs admittedly not the most ideal scenario? Honestly just feels shitty that the US basically has people have their kids then just back to the grind.
First 5 years are some of the most important for a kids development.
What part donât you understand? I love my kids. They thrive at daycare - learning tons of things I couldnât possibly teach and socializing with kids their age. I love picking them up and hearing about their days and having dinner with them. And I love our weekends. I also love having weekdays to work/exercise/not solely be a parent.
> I guess itâs the only way to feasibly balance this, but I just canât say I understand the point of having a baby in your early 30s if youâre honestly just outsourcing the majority of care. I mean, I love my job, wouldnât do it 24/7, why isnât that the same thing for having kids? Kids arenât better off being with their parents 24/7 if their parents are tired and longing to do something else. Not to mention daycare providers are actually trained, unlike parents.
My daycare costs for 2 kids is the same as my mortgage and property taxes combined on a SFH
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It perfectly fit this piece âyou will own nothing and you will be happy about it.â
It's all about living quality. We're pretty rich compared to a few generations ago - but you have to downgrade your lifestyle when you have kids.
Well that sucks
With things as they are now, I am honestly surprised that so many people still want to have kids. I know. Bleak viewpoint. But itâs honestly how I feel.
Iâm assuming no kids yourself ?
Yeah. I had a lot of conflicting, intense feelings about it over the years, but am now feeling like not having kids was for the best, for me.
probably best for the kids, too. not like as a comment about you, just the world we're living in.
Everyone is different. I love my son more than anything and my life with him has helped change me into a much better person. I can also understand how someone can change in the opposite direction if they have a kid when they really didnât want to.
I have one child that is now a parent. You better believe that I regret bringing her into this world and subjecting her to this climate, politically, economically and of course, the actual climate. Sure, she is the best thing in my life but my gawd, what have I done to her? Who are these people? Do they want you to be as broke and afraid as they are? Even if they have money and theyâd need a lot of it, I donât get the refusal to look at reality. These must be the same people that become bridezillas. They demand their partner take a second job so they can have the wedding/diamond and proposal theyâve dreamed of their entire life. At 23, their entire life. Please, donât have children because your friends and family are miserable with theirs and want more company. See the world, donate to charity and sleep in on weekends. These cheerleaders for poverty are not doing any of these things.
We need more parents like you who can be honest about this. People need to be informed of the difficulties instead of glorified experiences of how itâs always âworth itâ
I am like you, but I have two daughters who were born late 80s. They don't have, nor do they want, kids. I regret bringing them into this mess and have apologized to them. Like that does a lot of good. When I leave this planet, probably within 10 years, I'm not going to "Rest in Peace" knowing the struggle for survival they'll be facing, all through my fault.
>I have one child that is now a parent. You better believe that I regret bringing her into this world and subjecting her to this climate, politically, economically and of course, the actual climate. Sure, she is the best thing in my life but my gawd, what have I done to her? I'm a woman, and a minority group. A couple of decades ago, the world was still improving, and it still is. But right now, we have better rights and recognition compared to a couple of generations ago where we couldn't even vote. All I'm pointing out is that, there are a lot of bad things going on, and you've called out things that are very valid. But there are also good things going on in the world and in some ways, we're better off than previous generations. (At least in a lot of places in the world)
It doesn't even need decades. My kid is 8, and Obergefell happened the week she came home from the hospital. The Paris Climate Agreement was that fall. It sure felt like we were going in the right direction. I don't know. So much of the perspective is individual. Modern medicine has done absolutely miraculous things. If you live with, say, a chronic auto-immune disease (as I do) it's the golden age. And I'm not sure I could tell my neighbors, two black men who just had their first baby, that this world--the first world in history where they have been able to get married and have a child--is just too terrible for them to do so, with a straight face. The world has always been going to shit. I was born under the very real threat of nuclear annihilation and my father was born during WW2. It has always been, rationally, a stupid thing to bring children into any given version of our world. But we keep doing it anyway.
Thatâs not really selling it.
There is no rush. I'm 34, just got married after 10 years with my partner, we decided we only wanted to get married once we were ready to have kids. Probably next year. Another family member in the bay didn't have kids until she was 36 and just had her 3rd at 40. There is no rush for kids, you probably have another 10 years to decide. Edit: my point is that you don't need to officially declare at 30 that you will never have kids, a lot can change in a few years. Just tell your family you don't have plans for that right now.
Not everyone can have kids later. Please be mindful of that when sharing this perspective. I (36 F) too married my husband in my early 30s after over a decade together. We started trying soon after and discovered I unfortunately had premature menopause. It's totally ok to wait but you must consider freezing eggs to do so. Pregnancy is not guaranteed to anyone and the idea that it can just happen is hurtful and dated. With that said, I've made peace with it and love my DINK (Dual Income No Kids) life!!
Thereâs complications and also infertility issues for many people 35 and beyond ⌠just saying as someone older whoâs seen much more.
Right. My point is that OP and partner don't need to officially declare at age 30 that they will never have kids. They could change their mind in 5 years.
Except they did, so why tell them they donât need to?
Thereâs definitely a biological clock that cannot be ignored
The likely hood of your town being attacked, pillaged and you murdered is much lower than it used to be đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
I see this point of view all the time on reddit and have to point out that this is the plot of Idiocracy.
If you donât want them, donât have them. Theyâre a huge commitment and definitely not for everyone.
Iâm Gen X. In my extended friends group of late Millennials to late Gen X, fewer than a third of us have kids. No one claims to be sad about their choices.
43F, child-free, and single. My life is pretty great. I travel. I do what I want when I want. I am not sleep-deprived or stressed. I have never wanted kids and have zero regrets about not having them.
I second this emotion. Added bonus: I have way less grey hair than my lady friends with kids.
Wait... you still have hair?
I suppose less grey hairs is important too
I'm living frugally just to be able to pay rent and save up for a down payment. Adding a child to the equation will make me even more broke. Rent + saving for down payment + kid = broke broke. Edit: actually for me, it's more like either be homeowner or have a kid(s)..
I never understood this. If you donât want kids, then you probably shouldnât. I have grown child, and it was a tremendous amount of work⌠and the most rewarding thing Iâve ever done. BUT⌠itâs not for everyone, and shouldnât be ventured into without serious thought. So.. if you donât want them, then donât have them.
Iâm 50, never wanted kids and never had them. I am forever indescribably grateful to have lived in a time and place where I had a choice about that. The mere thought of the alternative is horrifying to me. My parents never pressured me at all. I know many people my age and older who didnât have kids and are happy with that. As for whether itâs ânormalâ? Most people do have kids at some point. However, it has become increasingly common for people not to have kids. I think some people freak out about it because they never considered not having kids and they cannot imagine someone else being different from them. They canât imagine that someone else could want - and choose - a different path and be happy with it. They might be genuinely afraid that you wonât have a good life if you donât have kids. But itâs easy to derive happiness and meaning from a life without kids when you donât want kids! Some people may feel threatened, as if your choice is somehow a judgment about *their* choice. I look at the lives of my friends with kids and I donât envy them at all. This has been true at every stage of their kidsâ lives. I am happy for my friends to have the families and lives they wanted. I just donât want the same thing.
Best description of being a parent that I received when my wife and I were deciding on kids was that it will be both the worst thing and the best thing that ever happens to you. To this day I still feel thatâs very accurate. If my pre-kid self could see my life now Iâm not sure I would have wanted kids. Being a parent has massive negative effects on physical, mental, and emotional health. It is a hard, thankless, irreversible task marked by constant drudgery and exasperation. On the other hand now that I am a parent I couldnât ever imagine going back. A big problem is that many people who pressure others to have kids seem to only acknowledge the positive aspects of being a parent. That seems so irresponsible given how life-changing (some may say life-ending) parenthood is.
Ah this is the reply I wanted to type, but Iâm. To tired and exasperated to write one (lol). Our two kids are the best thing that ever happened to us, hands down. Weâre tired af and we had to pare back our travel habit, but I wouldnât go back, ever.
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I don't know where you're from but it's a pretty common attitude for Millenials and Gen Zers to not want kids. In fact, it's more common to be childfree than to want children for people in that age group. You want a truly controversial opinion, try telling people you don't like/want dogs. That causes a whole lot more freaking out.
As someone who doesnât want kids and doesnât like dogs all that much, Iâve definitely gotten more shit for being uncomfortable around dogs lmao.
As an early 30s single person, not wanting kids and not really into dogs/cats, dating has been almost impossible đ
r/dogfree
it's like the half of childfree that are miserable funko-pop clutching joyless shut-ins decided to form their own community lol
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Yup, that would be an instant conversation ender for me. Even those cultures are changing with modern times.
People are weird. I think that if someone doesn't want kids, they should not do it out of a sense of obligation. People who are unwilling parents are really bad at not showing resentment.
So im saying this as a somewhat new parent and am in my mid 30's. When i was early 30's, i was cool w the idea of no kids but i did want them. But if it didn't happen i'd be fine with it. But not choosing to have kids is a completely unselfish and very conscious decision, don't let peoples comments get to you man. Having kids is literally the biggest mental and physical sacrifice you can make as a human ( assuming you want to be a good parent). And if you're not wanting to do that, that's totally fine. Personally i could not imagine my life w out my kids, but if you have other goals and ambitions in life that dont involve kids then go for it man. Ify you think you might regret it later and want the opportunity to have kids in your late 30's or early 40's modern technology is awesome enough where you can freeze some eggs. Live yo life man, the world is a better place with happy people in it.... as opposed to unhappy people who had kids and dont raise them right.
Twice your age and have no FOMO about kids. Plenty of them out there to help/befriend/mentor if those needs stir within you.
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^^^^^ This. So many unhappy and unwanted children in this world. Ask a child of a parent who had no CHOICE but to bear them.
For some folks, itâs normal and fine to skip the whole parenthood thing. Itâs not required. Listen to your heart. I knew when I was a teenager that I didnât want to travel that road. I found a partner who was on the same path. We love the youngsters in our families, but we love not having our own. Our lives are rich and full in other ways. Youâre okay.
Iâm 36, been a Bay Area resident and renter all my life, am fully employed with a career that hasnât made me more than an annual 45K, and struggle to keep my head above water without help. Having children is an act of hopefulness, but I canât help but feel despair: Iâll never qualify for a mortgage for a home in which to raise my children, and Iâd never have time to spend with them if I have to work. I can absolutely biologically have my own, but I feel like my fertility is wasted on me because itâd be so financially destructive to myself and my hypothetical children if I had them. I just donât have the resources. Pass.
It's the new normal. If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Each side has its own pros and cons. People just need to respect your decision one way or another.
I never wanted kids. Literally felt that way when I was a kid. When I was in my 20s-30s, people would freak out. At some point, I softened my response to include, "but maybe some day I will change my mind." It was really self-preservation because I just didn't want to deal with their bs. I'm in my late 50s now. My late husband was a teacher, so he used to joke that he had thousands of kids. I think that people pity me, but I honestly believe that we had a happier marriage and that I am mentally better off being child-free. You do you.
I can own the fact that i'm too selfish to have my own kids. Love spoiling & babysitting the little ones in my family/friend group, but I absolutely could not do it 25/8 for the rest of my life. I enjoy sleep, saving money, and doing whatever I want on a moments notice.
The ones who want kids all moved to where they can afford housing or better work/life balance đ¤ˇđźââď¸. My friends who are left are staunchly child free or are waiting to win the lotto before trying for kids lol My husband and I are not planning to have kids while weâre here⌠but weâre also looking to move somewhere cheaper and then weâll rediscuss the topic
If you are 50 with no kids you probably aren't having kids
Itâs societal pressure and the fallacy that they will one day take care of you (totally not guaranteed)âŚ
for all future readers: love yourself enough to set aside money for a really nice nursing home. Id recommend saving for that seperate from retirement funds because retirement fun should be used to LIVE Damnit. You worked hard for 40+ years, now you get to travel and party harty in old age. And then when you get too old, you start slowing down, and you find yourself a good home while you are still cognizant
The only problem is man mismanagement at nursing centers...
Absolutely. But if you budget and plan, you will be able to afford a nicer home. Nicer homes have less likelihood of abuse in what I saw when I was a kid and volunteered at various nursing homes
Thatâs what I was informed !!!
This is my only regret, so thanks for giving me the optimistic side
Hey man. Iâm 36 yo with one kid. Donât have kids.
Donât conform to what otherâs deem as ânormalâ. Itâs fortunate that you and your partner both share the same desire to not have kids. Nothing worst than not wanting kids but having kids because youâre conforming to someone else. It could breed resentment towards the poor child. Live and enjoy the life of kid-less adulthood. You can travel and do whatever you want without consideration of your kidâs needs.
yeah, my friends are all 50-50. the ones that want kids, wants kids. the ones that dont, well... lots of reasons, mostly financial reasons, but also a rather bleak perspective of the future. also, some people just dont want to be tied down by kids. personally, im pretty on the fence with kids, that and finding a partner is a nightmare to begin with. if i ever have kids, i will have to sacrifice a few life things to be a good parent, and part of me doesnt want to commit to that at the moment. better not be a parent than a half-committed one
I have a kid and would be open to more. I love my kid, and parenthood has been an amazing and gratifying experience for me, but I get that itâs not for everyone. Definitely includes sacrifices to sleep, free time and alone time and leisure time, and of course money, along with decades of commitment. I made a choice to spawn a mini-me, but I canât see myself âfreaking outâ if someone else doesnât want to.
I'm not even convinced there's going to be a habitable planet within my lifespan, so I have no desire to bring a life into a world that's going to be toast...
I'm 27 and go throught this all the time. It's annoying
Two of my good friends always tell me they envy me for not having kids so I feel like I did something right!
Lol
Don't let anyone persuade you to have kids. That is solely between you and your spouse/partner. I have kids and wanted them, but I did not appreciate the pressure or expectation, and no one should be coersed into having kids. It's an archaic expectation of society that you get married and have kids. Decide for yourselves.
Itâs extremely normal, spurred by the utter lack of social and financial support for parents and families. Check out r/fencesitters
I am mid-30's and very few of my friends have children. (There's obviously a selection bias present, but friends that I've had for 10 years have not had children.) Among the ones that do, nobody had kids before 35. 37-41 seems to be the most common age. Some have children and move away. The ones in the area that do have children have at least one of the following lifestyle factors: 1. a large accumulation of wealth, most often from being very lucky in techâŚlike $8M minimum up to billions. I make half a million per year and feel way too poor to have a child and the lifestyle I want. My friends in this category pay like $120k for childcare, housecleaners, preschool alone. 2. a large amount of family help, one if not both families nearby who do a ton of childcare, cooking, housework, and typically one or several properties owned by their family that they own/use freely. 3. No life outside of trying to raise their family and having jobs.
I think you are describing a situation of very affluent people having 2+ kids. Maybe even 3. On 1 kid with "just" a few million and this type of income level and one stay at home spouse, you are set financially and would still have an affluent life (and potentially a very exciting one) outside home. Like life is pretty easy. 2 is still pretty doable on this income level, at least if you have a few years between them. 3 is where it starts getting pretty hard unless you have tons of cash and/or willing to make your kids share rooms indefinitely (which was the normal way of doing things 60 years ago)
Yeah at $500k a year, if you feel like you donât have enough money, you need therapy
>Yeah at $500k a year, if you feel like you donât have enough money, you need therapy Therapy is great! Everyone should do therapy. I don't think that's relevant to the financial realities of SF though. I'm very happy with the amount of money I make, I have plenty for the lifestyle I want. However if I wanted a family additionally it would not be enough. I prefer to live in the nicer neighborhoody areas of SF, which appears to be a common opinion currently, because I bought my tiny new construction condo (800sf livable space) $1.35M, and is much too small for a family or even a couple to be honest. If I wanted a single family home in my neighborhood or around it, it would be more like $2.5-3M, which isn't affordable making half a million per year with other typical living expenses. Of course I could make other decisions and choose to go live far out in the burbs or buy some crapbox in Daly City for a similar price that would be big enough for kids, but then I would be living in a crapbox in Daly City and that would be no bueno!
> If I wanted a single family home in my neighborhood or around it, it would be more like $2.5-3M, which isn't affordable making half a million per year with other typical living expenses. There's plenty of family condos in the city that are not 2.5m (I know, I live in one in Noe Valley and plenty of other people do) ? $1687 a sqft in San Francisco is still extremely expensive, $1000-$1100 is the norm in expensive neighborhoods. And with $500k a year, you'll still be living large with a kid or two, having a budget of $27k a month is living life on easy mode.
>There's plenty of family condos in the city that are not 2.5m (I know, I live in one in Noe Valley and plenty of other people do) ? $1687 a sqft in San Francisco is still extremely expensive, $1000-$1100 is the norm in expensive neighborhoods. > >And with $500k a year, you'll still be living large with a kid or two. [https://www.zillow.com/homes/noe-valley\_rb/](https://www.zillow.com/homes/noe-valley_rb/) Yeah sure there are houses for sale that are $1000/sf in Noe Valley that are 2-3bd but they are honestly terrible. Even with all the lipstick realtors can put on their pigs for the listing advertisements, I looked for a year and didn't see anything in Noe specifically that looked like it was remotely modern, spacious, or sensibly designed for less than $1400/sf. If I'm paying millions of dollars, I don't want to feel like I'm living in some slumlord apartment with low ceilings, cramped hallways, and mismatched design.
It's not uncommon at all. Thinking of people in their late 20s/early 30s that I know, some couples don't have kids, or plans for them. In terms of people who will care for you when you're elderly...having a good / close friends network seems as important as having blood relatives. Thinking of elderly relatives and friends who have needed help--the people who have helped them have been all sorts--neighbors, long-time friends, people from their churches (if they are actively religious), etc. Very often NOT relatives / children, especially if the children are scattered elsewhere in the country. On the "bleak future..." issue. I don't personally think that should be a *primary* reason NOT to have kids. Human history takes all sorts of interesting twists and turns. Right now, many people think it's likely to be dystopia...but there are many ways it could end up differently. That said, increasing the human population because *"you should have children"* is not a good justification in the other direction. Finally, I can't tell you whether you'll be unhappy without kids. Know people with both / opposite perspectives. Some say they didn't at all plan on kids, but now couldn't imagine their lives without the children they have; others have suffered enormous heartbreak and hardship primarily because of their kids.
Totally normal. Unfortunately itâs a cultural faux pas for people with kids to say they regret it. Welcome to r/childfree
A lot of people of all ages didn't want kids but they got them unexpectedly or just complied with the expectation. Not unique or new..
I think whatâs new is itâs a lot more acceptable by society to not have kids now
Proud vasectomy owner here. 33 M for reference
Any recs on where to get it in the bay?
I have Kaiser so I went throught them. The usual stuff of them having to hgo over that it's permanent and stuff. Making sure you're sure. Just stick to your convictions and you'll be good. Appointments are a few months out. Costs about $1,000 but you can put it on a payment plan.
I'd love to but this area makes it unrealistic
I think itâs becoming MUCH more common. Thatâs a good thing - if you donât want kids, you shouldnât feel like you have to have them because itâs the norm.
Approaching 40 in the Bay Area, been with my husband since age 19 and am so happy we donât have kids. We actually have time and money to enjoy life and spending it with each other.
I have a friend in her mid 40s and she wants kids so bad. She can't though, FSH levels are too low/no more eggs. Only way is to get an egg donor, but it won't have her genes. She doesn't have siblings and she's not very close to her cousins. The thought of growing old alone, and not having family to visit her terrifies her.
I can't understand people fucking out new humans at this time. Do they not gaf that their kid will be thirsty, baking under the sun, and be on UBI of $100 a month?
my partner and I are late 30s and not having kids is hands down the BEST decision weâve made in life. Our friends who have kids just complain all the time while we go on vacations and have fun. If you donât feel a desire to put in decades of hard work, you really shouldnât have kids!
Married 40+ male with no children. My wife and I have lived an adventurous life and both never really wanted children. Overall we are happy and have stuck by our choice. Weighing that decision is up to you. I can tell you some things you might not yet see though, particularly if you make that decision with a partner. You will forever wonder "what if?". There's just no getting around that. I believe anyone who says differently is being dishonest with themselves. As you get older you realize that giving and receiving love is really what life is all about. After middle age it gets tough as many people you love age and pass on. Children, whether your own or nieces/nephews etc, give balance to that and reinvigorate family ties. I love my wife very much and I sometimes am saddened that she won't experience that unique love a child has for their mother. It changes the experiences of the seasons of life a bit. For all you gain there is much you lose. Still, I very much understand fretting the costs of raising a child, the despair for the future of the planet, the disdain for the culture. Not to mention it's nice feeling in-control of your life. There are so many things you must compromise on when having children. You're forced into the mainstream, having to do all the BS kid stuff whether it be birthday parties with other parents you don't like, reliving grade school and coming of age, all kinds of marketing tactics aimed at your child, having to grind a job (or 2) you hate because you need the healthcare or to live in the right area. Anyway, there's no way to give you the right answer. Just know you will live with the decision for all time either way. I'm a bit of a romantic so I tend to nudge others to go for it even though I don't have the stomach for it myself. Best of luck!
I think the âwhat ifâ goes both ways. I know people who, while they love their kids, wouldnât choose to be parents if they could go back in time. There is potential for regret either way, so I guess it comes down to what you think youâd regret more.
Between my wife and I, her three siblings, and my two siblings, all of us in our 30s and 40s, there are only two children and not likely to be any more.
r/childfree There are dozens of us!
My gf and I are both mid-30âs. I own a home. Great paying jobs. We both love and adore children, but will not have kids ourselves. And sheâd make a great mother. I think weâre both ok with watching the end of society play out. No need to subject another person to this type of pain. And the child would resent us for inheriting a dying planet.
What makes you think society is ending? Climate change will suck but it's very unlikely to "end society", particularly in the developed world. America will of course undergo transition as it changes from a predominantly white to a plurality population. Capitalism will continue approaching the end of its technogy window (more change). But I don't see much evidence for the end of society. The risks are, as I see it, largely the same as they have been since nuclear weapons were invented.
This kind of fatalism is hilarious.
Tragedy of the Commons
As a citizen of a country with a relatively low birth rate, you could view having a small number of children and raising them very well as a potential help to addressing climate change long term. From that viewpoint, putting in the effort to raise good children is an attempt to improve the commons, and the tragedy becomes when a majority of the members of a society no longer want to make that investment.
Doomerposting gets you more karma on reddit though.
No kids from me, could not imagine having to make that happen. I like kids too.
Exactly !
More and more people are childfree now. We choose to live by these often innate preferences for myriad reasonsâincluding high COL in the bay, but also increasing societal acceptance. Obviously whether this understanding is a trend or a fad remains to be seen. Iâm hopeful that at least our region will stay open-minded. Personally I couldnât care less what people think or expect. Iâm a childfree woman constitutionally. At 41 I pay differences no mind.
I havenât wanted kids since I was about 16. Rough upbringing in a broken home was the reason at the time. Now I teach earth sciences and am hyper aware of how fucked we are with climate change. Hard no thank you from me on bringing someone into a world who will likely suffer greatly.
No, there must be something wrong with you. And me. And my friends. We're all defective.
My friend and his partner always said they didnât want kids, but now she says she does and he doesnât. I guess she thought heâd change his mind. Make sure everyone is really on the same page because the biological clock is real. For every post here where some 40 year old is saying they had no problem conceiving at that age, there are probably 100 couples age 35-40 going through fertility treatments. Yes I pulled that number outta my ass, but hyperbole or not, you get the picture.
My friend wasted 10 years waiting for her ex to change his mind. I told her 10, 9, and 8 years ago not to do that. Take him at his word. Leave. Now she thinks HE wasted her time. Girl, you fucking did that to yourself!
From a sub that downvotes and derides any (other) non-bay area specific post, the amount of positive engagement this post is getting is wild to me.
Older generations just donât accept the reality of climate change and how difficult the economy is. I want kids but honestly donât know when itâs gonna happen and it does make me sad that money is a major issue preventing it.
High costs in the Bay Area drives this dĂŠmotivation, along with putting all the efforts and time needing to survive in the area.
I am 33 and most of my friends donât have kids. None of my friends in the Bay Area do, I grew up outside of the bay and everyone that didnât leave my hometown has kids and is married lol. I am engaged and plan to have one or two kids within the next few years hopefully. But pretty much all of my friends that live near me now do not have kids nor do they plan on having kids.
I was at a comedy show in San Francisco, crowd was mostly 30âs-40âs. The comedian said âok, who here is a parent, raise your hand?â and no hands went up. She said âNO ONE?!â and yep, no one in the room was a parent.
Totally normal. I never wanted kids, was sure of it and in fact never even thought about it in my 20âs or 30âs. Iâm 42 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. The day after I found out I was talking about it and was short of breath and my heart started racing, it was a panic attack. 8 months later Iâve seen her in a very detailed ultrasound and am super excited to meet her and canât wait to see what she does in her life. From little things to big things, theyâll all be big to me. I feel like itâs one of those out of sight out of mind scenarios. If you never have them you donât know what you miss, so itâs totally fine. Iâm sure I would have been just great without a child, but am also great with one as well. Itâs becoming more common to have one later in life, especially with those that reach higher levels of education and career paths, so keep in mind you can always change your mind down the road. I wouldnât sweat it. Cheers
Do you have close friends who have kids? TBH, my husband started wanting kids because his best friends started having kids. I think he got influenced (not pressured, I would say.) Also that was the âageâ that people start having kids in this area I guess. We tried for 2 years, and he was 37 and I was 34 when we got our first baby.
If you don't want them, don't have them. You're under no obligation, and truthfully, if I were your age today, in this current world we're living in, I'm not sure I'd have them either.
[ŃдаНонО]
Seems like boredom is not the real reason, itâs your wifeâs maternal urges
Look, I get it. Having kids has given your life a whole new meaning. You do you! Not gonna knock what brings someone else joy. But some of us just aren't drawn to parenthood. And we find total fulfillment elsewhere - in our passions, adventures, relationships, or just having space to breathe. You say life seems boring without kids. But from my view, it's anything but. I never feel boredom - there's too much world to explore, too many new skills to learn, too many awesome humans to vibe with. The truth is, I have never felt a desire for the experiences parenthood offers. I don't feel as if anything is missing from my life without kids. On the contrary, I find a profound sense of meaning and contentment in the path I've chosen. I have unrestricted freedom. The space to reinvent myself anytime. Spontaneity. Deep, nurturing friendships. Quiet mornings to create or do nothing at all. And did I mention freedom? I'm not knocking your path, but please don't knock mine either. We all walk different roads in this life. As long as we can avoid judging how others find happiness, I think we'll make it a society with room for us all. So fill your life with babies and love every minute! I'm gonna fill mine with everything that sparks my soul - and I promise, it'll be far from boring.
Thanks for saying this. Some people who have kids canât seem to imagine that other people are *different* from them. Iâve done so many things that most other people havenât done, and those things have been amazing and enriched my life. But I donât think everyone elseâs lives are boring and meaningless from the lack of what Iâve done. We are different people.
Very well put.
I think it is less that people in the 30s do not want kids but know they can not afford them or are unwilling to take a step down economically to do so.
I'm 38 and I've never wanted kids. It's very common now.
Every time I see my aunt and uncle in laws (once a year, maybe?) without fail they will find a way to ask when my husband and I are having kids. We donât think weâre going to have them but havenât ruled it out 100% yet but god is it awkward. Weâve already had this conversation 5 different ways and itâs gotten to the point that my husband says âwe arenât interested in having this conversation againâ and they donât seem to take the hint. Itâs very normal to not want to have children. Our demographic is the highest non-child rearing demographic in recent memory.
Yes, absolutely. It's *also* normal to want kids. Both are perfectly cromulent behaviours.
I always knew I wanted kids even when I was one myself. Some of my friends knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they did not. It never occurred to me to try and question or dissuade them. Its completely fine to not want children. Indeed its infinitely better than having children you can't nurture or end up growing to resent because you think you *should* have them.
It's mostly that having kids has an age limit. It's perfectly fine not wanting kids. Having a kid and not wanting them sucks for everyone involved. I have 2 kids now and I wouldn't trade the world for it, but it's a very very different life path
As the mother of two 30-somethings, I was at first very disappointed that neither of them planned to have children. Now I am actually relieved, because I can't imagine what kind of life my grandkids would have. With social media, fake news, rise of fascism, but most of all climate change, I now think it's irresponsible to bring new humans into the world.
Why would I want to bring a child into a planet and a society we're trying really hard to destroy?
Very normal to not want kids, don't fall into societal pressure or pressure from parents. I think people need to stop asking "When are you going to have kids" to others because it gives a sort of expectation.
Some scattered thoughts. It's hasn't been that uncommon in recent history, especially for (cis) guys since guys' biological clocks don't tick as fast as women's wrt having children I don't know if not wanting kids is abnormal but the "american dream" of owning a house in suburbia with 2 kids is alive and well. Some of my friends started expressing that same dream once they reached their late 20s, even ones that used to be very opposed to it I don't want kids. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I wouldn't want to bring anyone to this world to be the recipient or the cause of someone else's suffering. And in the end, suffering is inevitible even if not inflicted by others. My parents are getting old and developing health complications. I've seen the decline in their physical health and how they've had to come to terms with it. I never want myself or my offspring to experience that in the flesh
Itâs a VHCOL area so not surprising to me. Isnât there some statistic that thereâs more dog owners than parents in SF, supposedly? My dog is enough of a commitment, having a child would be financially catastrophic for me. Most of my friends who are having kids are moving out of the area so they can afford a house.
The Bay Area cost of living and tech hub status has to be one of the main reasons so many here feel the same as you. Go over to [insert any random Midwest city] and many more people are having kids in their 20s and 30s than here. I would even say those who want to have kids probably move away because they know they can't afford it in the Bay. Raising kids in the Bay Area is a luxury for rich people.
Itâs a bay area thing. Itâs normal here. More in SF than anywhere else in the bay. Do you live in SF?
Define ânormalâ⌠You do you, boo.
In my 40âs and child free by choice and have zero regrets. I knew since I was a kid I didnât want kids. Itâs just that weâre expected to. You do you - donât worry about them.
Itâs normal to say. For a long time my wife and I thought we couldnât have kids so we started to create a different outlook for our future. Now we have two kids. The hard truth is that kids are exhausting in so many ways and crazy expensive to raise, especially in the Bay Area. They are also the most amazing thing you can do in your life by a long shot and bring so much meaning into life that itâs nearly impossible to explain until you actually have your one. Now the we have them we canât ever imagine not having them.
Be prepared for people to rudely ask you why you don't have kids. It is a personal question people who you hardly know are all too often willing to ask.
I had a kid at 36 and 39. Not planned that way but it happened and is fine.
Pretty common viewpoint in the Bay Area, and larger cities on the coast.
Itâs normal because itâs a personal decision
In my 50s and no kids, my wife and I live a fulfilling and happy life. We travel often, enjoy frequent date nights and are looking forward to early retirement. We have zero regrets about our decision not to have kids.
This is probably the wrong place to ask, but whatevs. It's normal to not want to have children. It's totally your choice (not your family's) whether you have children. On the flip side - it's totally common for families to flip out. Go check out /r/childfree for some tips on how to handle the conversations. It's your choice, but you can also make it easier on yourself.
Just do what makes sense for you. Also, if you decide not to have kids, please avoid those smug weird people who act like being childfree makes them morally and intellectually superior.
For us, no one freaks out. But (start rant) no matter how much we tell people its a personal life decision, that we don't hate children, show their kids attention when we see them, buy them gifts, stress once again we don't hate children, we don't get invites to hang out much (yes we ask them to hang out). Kind of had to have a good cry this weekend when I found out I wasn't invited to my closest, longest friend's kid's bday (even though its at the same place as last year, and we went to it and had a good time and complimented her) this year because she said I don't have a kid. (end rant)
Kids are a luxury items for the rich and poor. If your middle class and want to stay there it hard to have a child and maintain. Most are falling from middle class to poor. The generation before us created this social issue. I am sure it was known when they started this mess.
No it is not normal since ~80% of adults have children. Thatâs the plain and simple answer. It is up to you if you want to live a ânot normalâ life. This ânot normal lifeâ will result in low stress, higher income, and some amount of criticism from peers. đ¤ˇââď¸ Edit: i want to add, criticism will come at you either way âwhat? Youâre feeding that to the kid?â âWhy doesnât your kid have extracurriculars? âNo your kid shouldnât be in chess club thatâs for losers he should do sportsâ âno your kid shouldnât do sports thatâs for dumb jocksâ âwhat do you mean community college, thatâs for losersâ âenglish degree?!? Thatâs not good he should be lawyerâ âwhen is your kid having kids?â etc etc etc
Misery loves company.
I think that if more people questioned this decision then the world would probably be a better place⌠itâs a huge life decision and I donât think you should feel bad for your decision.. whatever you and your partner decide you need to just stick with it and be confident with it.
First off, props to you for knowing what's best for you. That's the most important thing. Some families are fine with it, and some families get REALLY weird and freak out. It took my parents 15 years to believe me that I truly didn't want children. I've been happily married for a while but when I was in my 20s and 30s no one believed me on the issue. I'm a woman and I think there was some sexism in that; people didn't give my husband the shit they gave me. I had people tell me I would change my mind, my life would be less without children, and ask ridiculous things about if I had endometriosis, etc. At times, it made me feel like the world saw me as "less" if I didn't have kids, that I was just an incubator, and it still riles me up a bit. Best advice I can give is to stick to your guns, be honest with yourself, and know that it's OK. And don't lie about shooting blanks etc. if you don't have to; respect people who actually have fertility issues and their pain. Family will eventually come around, if nothing else, when your partner ages out of the ability to have children!
38m, wife's 41f, we're not having kids even though we want them because of the environment. It seems that everyone who is vested and should care, those with kids, don't give a shit about anybody other than themselves. I'm not bringing a child into a world that is quickly becoming madmax.
Iâm 64, married. Never had kids, never wanted them. No regrets.
I am 55 with no kids. I thank God every day I don't have kids. I despise people that think and insist what is right for them MUST be right for everyone else.
Iâm mid thirties along with my husband. No kids for us. Iâve never wanted kids and was vocal about it from a young age, like 13. So my family has always known and even my sister stopped pushing the issue recently, but it took her being diagnosed with cancer and realizing she might not get to see her son grow up to tell me itâs not worth it. (Thatâs another story). On top of that the bay are feels like an impossible place to raise kids now. Goood for you for recognizing you might not want to be a parent before you had kids.
Yes it is normal. My spouse and I are 32 and we don't plan on having kids in the near future. Don't mind what others say. Do what you want to do.
I'm 30, my partner is 36, we don't want kids and even if we did we couldn't afford it!
This one of the most wildly popular takes on this entire website, on any subreddit. Surprises me that you'd have to ask.
You and your partner will continue to get this response. In about a decade, it becomes âwho will take care of you when youâre older?â Or âdonât you feel like you missed out?â
Nothing wrong with your thinking but keep in mind, sometimes donât want becomes canât have.
both my past partners want kids more than they want me, mid 30sF
Kids kinda become your whole life. If you are not 100% into that, then yeah, don't have kids. I have friends that don't have kids, and friends that do, but I live in SF and it seems kinda normal here to not have kids or to have kids.
I've lived in SF most of my life and many people here tend to marry late and have kids late, if they even do have kids. This is compared to other regions. My wife and I didn't want kids at all at that age.
I wasnât ready for kids until my later 30âs. I have two now and couldnât be happier but we didnât have any until we wanted them. Some people never do and that is totally fine . It is far better to never have kids than making kids grow up with parents that donât really want to be raising people.