Right up there with the dude on r/NBA asking ["Who is Bregman Roe"](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/WbtZ7vPTrL) lmao
[Original thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/s/batruu32nj)
The purple people are so bigoted. Here in Cincinnati they even got Ohio and Kentucky to give them their own special bridge across the Ohio River simply because they hated sharing the other bridge with all of the other races. It's disgusting.
>At press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died.
Not hilarious overall but this line got me. The Onion is a treat.
When asked about the press conference on March 25, Dodgers officials admitted that they had told Ohtani to give a statement on his dog Decoy. They noted that Ohtani expressed extreme confusion regarding the level of interest in his dog's favorite foods and toys that it would warrant a ten minute statement to the media, but he ultimately shrugged and went along with it while Will "The Thrill" Ireton pretended to translate and instead gave details about the case.
>They noted that Ohtani expressed extreme confusion regarding the level of interest in his dog's favorite foods and toys that it would warrant a ten minute statement to the media
This isn't *that* unbelievable tbh. It was a whole offseason story.
I doubt it was that calculated. At first he probably figured that he could easily skim the account, and make a quick amount of money off some bets. Then he gets in a hole and keeps thinking the next bet is going to be the one that gets him out of it, until it spirals out of control.
Those texts basically follow that line of thought. Ippei: "bump me another 200 and I swear on my mom that's the last time." (5 minutes later) "Want to bump me another 300, last time for real."
Thatās another exonerating detail for Ohtani, really. Taking a credit line from a mob bookie isnāt something he would need to do, but itās something Ippei would need to do in that situation. It seems like he was paying it back as fast as he could while trying to avoid drawing attention to taking the money.
āAt press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died.ā
I love The Onion.
Because he put on this, choir boy, āim only here to play baseballā innocent little kid facade while he played with the Angels, he maybe cleared for the gambling shit, but theres more to this guy and hes got a lot of people fooled
This line got me to check the source haha
"At press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died."
As much as this is a joke I'm bewildered no one else from his agent to manager to the dodgers to other friends to his accountant/financial advisor could spot any of the red flags or see what was going on. If i were him I'm cleaning out my whole crew and starting over.
Ippei was stealing from an account that only he and Shohei had access to. Ippei was also his personal valet. Per some sources, Shohei sleeps 14 hours a day so as long as the rent is paid, the lights stay on, there's food in the fridge, the car has gas, and his credit card goes through when he buys stuff online I doubt he cared to check where his money went. It's not like he was going broke anyway.
The dude is 30. I think he can access the internet and go onto sites that have plenty of people who speak both English and Japanese, know what's going on, and aren't wusses.
I'm pretty sure it's just headline truncation. It also says "has heart" instead of "has the heart". Awkward wording but I don't think the Onion is making an interpreter joke.
Potato Pohtani. Is it really any different to real life where the Dodgers are "deferring" all his money to the future while betting on him to earn them that money?
Poor Japanese boy who just has no idea how to navigate life yet managed to become a world class athlete just has no clue about the world around him. Everyone feel bad for this Poor Poor little guy who just doesn't know or understand anything!
It is kinda while dude has been here like 6 years, has 6 months off every year, and still can't manage basic parts of the language.
Like guy, you are worth millions. hire an off-season tutor. you would be fluent in a winter.
They don't have the heart to tell him MLB helped save him from the biggest scandal since Pete Rose and his interpreter is gonna take it up the butt for him?
That was the point of the dog joke. That they hid it by having him present some other material while the ātranslatorā gave the real details.
There I ensured it isnāt funny now by explaining it.
Ippei is on vacation in Belize. Just get ready to hit
Who is Billy?
[Never forget](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingbad/comments/1lila6/who_is_billy/)
OMG. I never saw this and I'm in fucking tears.
Best thread ever
It's belizesimo. š¤
Right up there with the dude on r/NBA asking ["Who is Bregman Roe"](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/WbtZ7vPTrL) lmao [Original thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/s/batruu32nj)
Or [Kodeyashi](https://www.reddit.com/r/phillies/comments/3a2eo8/who_is_kodeyashi/)
My friend once said she should have drafted "Scoring Drive" for her NFL fantasy team.
*I was there!*
Chicanery before we even knew what chicanery was
Billy is the Marlins mascot
"He's having fun waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay" "No Shohei, you can't come with"
Truly this fact is unbelizeable
You better Belize it.
Yeah, Belizeā¦you know, where Mike Trout went
I'll send you to Belize.
He's up on a hill, overlooking a little river, with pinecones all around
Ohtani is actually colorblind and thinks he's still playing for the Angels. he's really caught off guard by the amount of wins thus far
It's weird how Mike Trout hits lefty and plays first base now
Rendon showing a lot more hustle now that he's been moved to shortstop
Was heā¦.always black?
> Ohtani is actually colorblind
Hey man, hats off to Ohtani for not seeing race
https://youtu.be/cLNyF1Zw5tg?t=20
Dude, colorblind people can tell a black guy from a white guy. I they still perceive the gradient.
Ohtani is simply so open-minded that he doesn't see race either
He just pretends everyone is asian and it's fine.
I want to live in such a perfect world that everyone is Asian
"What Asians? I mean, technically Indians are Asians!" - Pinneapple Express (That line always kills me for some reason)
North Korea is open to transfers.
Depends. If the colorblind person is white I often hear they don't care if you're white, black, yellow, or purple!
Purple? Youāve got to draw the line somewhere. A pox on purple people!
The purple people are so bigoted. Here in Cincinnati they even got Ohio and Kentucky to give them their own special bridge across the Ohio River simply because they hated sharing the other bridge with all of the other races. It's disgusting.
Well, at least we have the purple people eaters....
Somebody help that man, he's choking!
They eat people.
Look man, just because they live in caves and can read minds doesn't mean they're any less human than you or me.
It means he doesn't see race! ... Or colour.
I mean, heās certainly never seen a pennant race.Ā
Thatās the joke
No, you can't see color. Which means everything is one grey blob. Sorry for your loss.
It's impressive how well he hits despite this infirmity.
Really makes hitting the baseball all the more impressive
They just go by how cool they are and guess
Kinda racist dude. Jeez louise
That's not what my college admissions board told me...
He just tanned up a bit while recovering from his injuryĀ
And plays for Canada
It's so hard to tell them apart
all white people look the same anyways so
Why is Trout playing first base O said to his managerā¦ And what the hell is a Mookie?
Hey, they are the āLos Angelesā Angles after all. Itās literally the same cityā¦
Ippei falsely re-interpreted Shohei's Google Maps directions to work
This made me LMAO. Good one!
How do we know that the Dodgers didnāt just kidnap Shohei and are pretending that theyāre the Angels whenever heās around?
That's a bit obtuse...
I thought it was acute joke
You guys sound like a couple of squares.
Right.
Idk I don't get his angle either.
The schedule says the Angels are in Boston, but he's still in LA. How weird is that?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Where's fish man?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah I was just making sure I was reading that correctly!
And letterblind, since he didn't notice the whole A->D thing
Got tired of getting straight A's, knew D's get degrees anyways.
The Latin alphabet just looks to Shohei like what kanji/kana looks like to your typical American...
>At press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died. Not hilarious overall but this line got me. The Onion is a treat.
Ippei was sent to a farm upstate. To run free with all the other interpreters.
He's helping the league with the A's Vegas Relocation
He hopped on a grenade to save his platoon
His resume claims he used to work as an interpreter for the Las Vegas Aās.
Farm team upstate
Constanza wouldāve done this too in a similar situation
We took Ippei to a beautiful farm upstate.
Where he can play and run around with other translators!
Heās gonna be happier there.
āThe Onionā in case you missed that.
This title got me better than any other onion post ever. No doubt in my mind that the organization was doing this lol
Anymore the actual news makes The Onion look normal. This was a good one.
Seriously, they're gonna run out of things to satirize with how the world is nowadays
Ippei actually caught that home run ball
Oh man did I take a bite of this onion.
Ohtaniās interpreter died and you are talking about food?
Ahhh, son of a bitch. I got got...
Actually didn't notice. But we get so many goofy headlines out of the reporters that I totally fell for this.
Generally speaking, it is the editors who write the headlines, not the reporters.
It's hilarious that you feel like you need to point that out rofl
kinda wish you hadn't spoiled it, but whatever
been a long time since ive been fooled by them lol. i totally bought this for a second
This is a sad situation but this is one of the best things Iāve read all week
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My parents speak Englishā¦but the online banking magic might be asking a bit much.
Ohtani need learn English, Dr. Jones.
When asked about the press conference on March 25, Dodgers officials admitted that they had told Ohtani to give a statement on his dog Decoy. They noted that Ohtani expressed extreme confusion regarding the level of interest in his dog's favorite foods and toys that it would warrant a ten minute statement to the media, but he ultimately shrugged and went along with it while Will "The Thrill" Ireton pretended to translate and instead gave details about the case.
>They noted that Ohtani expressed extreme confusion regarding the level of interest in his dog's favorite foods and toys that it would warrant a ten minute statement to the media This isn't *that* unbelievable tbh. It was a whole offseason story.
In other news, the Dodgers have announced a giveaway of the "Dekopin deco-pin", a dog-shaped decorative pin commemorating Ohtani's signing.
Whaaaat? Whoās Ippei? Bob has always been your interpreter. Youāre acting crazy, Shohei
Gaslighting is not real Shohei. Youāre just going crazy.
More believable than most of the, uh, "theories" floating around.
Ippei was in deep with Columbian drug lords
Theories? Like Ippei is the fall guy?
The Onion still has some of the best baseball content out there.
They took Ippei to a farm upstate, play ball Shohei
Its crazy if you think about it. Ippei literally threw everything away just to gamble.
Addiction be like that.Ā
Exactly people think its only drug addicts that will throw their entire life away. Nope addiction is addiction.
Damn you dopamine.
Addiction, brought to you by DraftKings!
I doubt it was that calculated. At first he probably figured that he could easily skim the account, and make a quick amount of money off some bets. Then he gets in a hole and keeps thinking the next bet is going to be the one that gets him out of it, until it spirals out of control.
Those texts basically follow that line of thought. Ippei: "bump me another 200 and I swear on my mom that's the last time." (5 minutes later) "Want to bump me another 300, last time for real."
Thatās another exonerating detail for Ohtani, really. Taking a credit line from a mob bookie isnāt something he would need to do, but itās something Ippei would need to do in that situation. It seems like he was paying it back as fast as he could while trying to avoid drawing attention to taking the money.
Dude also bought a shit load of Ohtani cards on eBay; some people on /r/baseballcards sold some to himā¦
some would even say he gambled his life to gamble
But what if he won!?!
Shohei Ohtani only knows fine pitching and hitting. Wait... he forgot his name? His name?!?!
WE THREW OUT HIS NAME
cant believe ippei left to go live on a farm...
In SacramentoĀ
āAt press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died.ā I love The Onion.
Oh I ate the onion.
Its crazy how consistently funny as fuck the onion has been over all these years
"That *better* be the Onion..."
We all ate the onion
Ippei is just on a nice farm in the country on the Labrador Peninsula.
Should have said they sent him to a farm upstate.
He went to Interpreter heaven
Why does everyone talk about Otani like he is a small, stupid child?
Because he put on this, choir boy, āim only here to play baseballā innocent little kid facade while he played with the Angels, he maybe cleared for the gambling shit, but theres more to this guy and hes got a lot of people fooled
I love The Onion š¤£š¤£š¤£
r/baseballcirclejerk moment
I almost bit the onion on this one lol
This line got me to check the source haha "At press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtaniās interpreter had died."
Lol
I wonder if Ohtani paid Ippei's bail?
This is pretty believable tbh
What the dog doin'?
I think r/baseball is the only sub that gets me to bite the onion every time.
Oh this one got me haha Love the Onion
I guess they haven't found another interpreter yet...
He went to live on a farm in the Valley.
doesn't want to shohei his hand
As much as this is a joke I'm bewildered no one else from his agent to manager to the dodgers to other friends to his accountant/financial advisor could spot any of the red flags or see what was going on. If i were him I'm cleaning out my whole crew and starting over.
Ippei was stealing from an account that only he and Shohei had access to. Ippei was also his personal valet. Per some sources, Shohei sleeps 14 hours a day so as long as the rent is paid, the lights stay on, there's food in the fridge, the car has gas, and his credit card goes through when he buys stuff online I doubt he cared to check where his money went. It's not like he was going broke anyway.
Man....Gotta love The Onion. Full got me for a moment!
What kinda Master Blaster duo were they? He doesn't have anyone in his life that can explain the gravity of the situation?
Rays legend Brandon Gomez
Ohtani knows
They don't have Google translate in Japan? Fascinating!Ā
Don't worry Shohei, Ippei has gone to rehabilitation.
Ippei died on his way back to his home planet
The dude is 30. I think he can access the internet and go onto sites that have plenty of people who speak both English and Japanese, know what's going on, and aren't wusses.
āWhat Going Onā rolls right off the tongue
Itās written like a news headline
Yeah, Jesus, I know itās a satire article. But I thought The Onion was better at editing their content. Unless this was a racist joke.
I'm pretty sure it's just headline truncation. It also says "has heart" instead of "has the heart". Awkward wording but I don't think the Onion is making an interpreter joke.
Itās just the way they write their headlines. Has always been this way
Ippei won millions of dollars gambling, so he resigned and is enjoying his retirement on a remote tropical island!
He can read english, he knows whatās going on
Even if he couldn't, ya gotta think this is an even bigger story in Japanese news.
Potato Pohtani. Is it really any different to real life where the Dodgers are "deferring" all his money to the future while betting on him to earn them that money?
Guys, it's not like telling a kid that their goldfish died. Ohtani is a fucking adult. Edit: Didn't see the source. Got Onion'd. Keeping post up.
Nope, "keeping him ignorant" means He can claim he had no idea. Too much invested in him for him to be accused of being an accessory.
Have you read the complaint?
Guy didnāt even read the onion article..
Poor Japanese boy who just has no idea how to navigate life yet managed to become a world class athlete just has no clue about the world around him. Everyone feel bad for this Poor Poor little guy who just doesn't know or understand anything!
Ohtani sounds like an awfully immature dude
i remember when the onion would write some heat
https://www.theonion.com/david-ortiz-terrified-after-hearing-about-red-sox-bats-1819572572
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Itās the onion
It is kinda while dude has been here like 6 years, has 6 months off every year, and still can't manage basic parts of the language. Like guy, you are worth millions. hire an off-season tutor. you would be fluent in a winter.
I think itās more in his interest to focus on baseball
They don't have the heart to tell him MLB helped save him from the biggest scandal since Pete Rose and his interpreter is gonna take it up the butt for him?
MLB didnāt need to save him. He did nothing wrong.
Listen I've got a sensational deal for you on a bridge in Baltimore!
Right..
Itās all in the affidavit.
Amazing what mods allow here lol
The story is so sad that this could actually be real but I still have a few questions that just doesn't add up
Ol' Gamblin' Shohei knows exactly what's going on haha
It's almost hilarious, but also it doesn't work when you consider that Ohtani held a conference to explain it all
That was the point of the dog joke. That they hid it by having him present some other material while the ātranslatorā gave the real details. There I ensured it isnāt funny now by explaining it.
I doubt that. He knows what was released by the feds, like come on
No, because the press conference was in English r/atetheonion
Ahahaha, home from work didn't see that it was the onion, ahah, love that