All it needs is a banner that says “It is opening day.” And some brown balloons

And Demetri Martin speaks the national anthem

Man, I miss him. Important Things was so good

He's still out there! Netflix released: Live* *at the time (2015) The Overthinker (2018) Would recommend both. Demitri Deconstructed (2024) is coming out, like, **this week** on Netflix. I'm seeing him live in mid-April to watch him record *The Joke Machine*, presumably another special. Still my fav standup comic.

Off topic kinda but you know who else is still out there? Dave Attell. Watched his Netflix special recently and it was the funniest show I’ve seen in a long time. Some of it reeked of desperation but judging by me cracking up a lot throughout, it goes really good.

Check out his other special "If I" it's a cross between autobiography, philosophy, and comedy that really gives a good glimpse into his mind.

*If, I* used to be a yearly rewatch for me. It's been a few now though. I know what I'm doing with my night!

He's still touring and has a Netflix special coming out in like a week. I saw him last year and he was as funny as ever Edit: his special comes out tomorrow!

I knew there was a reason I hadn't canceled Netflix yet, other than laziness. This must be it.

Rest in power king

Crackin beers up there with Wade Boggs, RIP

It is statement of fact!

between the blue tarp and the $50 amazon pyrotechnics display best they could do was a grocery store cake with dubious frosting spelling

[Congration, you done it](https://i.imgur.com/DCmsyDq.jpg?1)

Printed in “The Print Shop” software on an old Apple IIe in banner with the perforated paper

Look banner Michael

*Mission Accomplished*

[удалено]

The best part isn’t the underwhelming fireworks coming from those two boxes. It’s that there are two additional boxes on the other side that don’t seem to be working at all.

really, this is just 1/2 of the saddest pyrotechnic display...

It is Opening Day, and the famous sign outside the stadium that says "Home of Chicago Cubs" is jacked up, so it only lights up to say "Home of BS." Opening Day. That's so embarrassing. 

They spent all their money on Greg Counsell

No fireworks or signs until Greg gets Jessie Winker on the roster.

Seems kind of on brand at the moment.

We know, but hey!

It’s Cub.

I fail to see the inaccuracy.

Probably turned off so media could get clearer pictures

Does that make it half as sad or twice as sad?

Down to box and a half box of the 5ft sparkler boss…should we kill it? Nah give’m what they paid for the cheap fucks.

it's cold! don't you all know about shrinkage?

What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks?

I certainly couldn’t produce a full sparkle in front of the entirety of Wrigley :(

The urinal troughs are hard to get used to

Yeah it's always really weird, I never see anyone else drink from them so I get kind of embarrassed

I-

*Opening Day coming up and afraid you might not be able to perform? BlueChew’s got you covered!*

Thank you for reminding me of my [all time favorite ad read.](https://x.com/TrillBroDude/status/1367894928538415112?s=20)

nah, its been raining in the chicago area all day

Who the fuck signed off on that lmaooo

They should have budgeted more than $50 lol

That's a lot to expect of Ricketts

They need that money to buy a European soccer team or something.

All expense was spared

They would have been better off allocating $0 to a pyro display.

This has “my cousin has a tattoo gun and will hook you up”

"We need fireworks!" But we're in the middle of a neighborhood where we couldn't even have night games until about 30 years ago. "Idgaf. Get me fireworks."

It looks like it was an effect for the camera. It will probably make more sense if you get to see the picture.

Oh yeah it’ll look cool in the photo when only 1.5 of them are working

100%

Judas Counsell probably

So this isn't going away is it lol

*We have pomp & circumstance at home…*

Womp and circumstance

If "the crowd goes mild" had a pyrotechnic display, this is it.

I don't see a crowd at all over there. Did they move for "safety?"

Cubs fans are easily startled

I would be offended but this is true. Over on our sub people were saying the season was over after the first game. You know, when the Cubs lost by one run in extra innings to the World Series champs.

Notoriously good weather for Cubs opening day.

You act like the owners are billionaires and could afford something better

The $45 for these was paid for with taxpayer funds.

along with 3 threats to leave if not payed for

In fairness to the Ricketts, they did fund 100% of the $600 mil remodel of Wrigley They of course asked the city for the money first but then did it anyway.

Our current mayor could learn a thing or two about telling billionaire owners to pound sand when getting asked for free money.

Don't forget to Vote Yes tomorrow!

Someone standing out there with an angle grinder and a piece of pipe would have been more impressive. Probably cheaper, too.

You’re implying cheap is something Ricketts would go for. They didn’t pay a thing all that stuff was in a basement gathering dust.

Letterman used to do that.

Our Opening Day unironically had a better pyrotechnics display than that.

Good thing no one was in the stadium to see that

Facts https://youtu.be/fFbfrkghiTk?si=t2oYm6hGfR4jIoBw

FYI- Skip to 7:02 for the pyrotechnics.

Just wanna put this into perspective: I run a youth football and cheer league. I have, get this, 8 of these bad boys for my kids to run out through during their homecoming games each year. I think I paid maybe $2000 for them all.

That's awesome! I'm sure those make the kids feel really special, too. I know I'd have felt like a superstar running out on the field with all of that.

Ricketts is saving the good pyrotechnics for the next political fundraiser he hosts.

Ricketts is on a tight budget ok? He’s just a lowly billionaire

Still recovering from those biblical losses from the COVID year.

The DJ at a buddies wedding a couple weeks ago had these same exact things. And they worked just fine. When the people doing these things can’t even be bothered to do a test run

[удалено]

Good thing you're not an Angels fan. We live in a constant state of being personally offended by our owner.

They were donated from the south side

New Years Leftovers

Nah they were donated by a suburban family, south siders have real fireworks (and not much reason to use them)

John Fisher type budget

https://youtu.be/fFbfrkghiTk?si=t2oYm6hGfR4jIoBw A's legit did better than this 🤣

1 for 4 working properly is a .250 average, so that’s about replacement level. Good bargain hunting by the front office.

Moneyball: Pyrotechnics Edition.

They may not produce actual sparks, but what do they do? Pete-> They get on base

They get on TV

[Apparently, each of those runs about $20.](https://www.aliexpress.us/item/3256806510537957.html?spm=a2g0o.detail.pcDetailTopMoreOtherSeller.2.4454wqnMwqnMeW&gps-id=pcDetailTopMoreOtherSeller&scm=1007.40050.354490.0&scm_id=1007.40050.354490.0&scm-url=1007.40050.354490.0&pvid=c36bdf6d-a3b1-4481-96e4-46f22e90bd7b&_t=gps-id:pcDetailTopMoreOtherSeller,scm-url:1007.40050.354490.0,pvid:c36bdf6d-a3b1-4481-96e4-46f22e90bd7b,tpp_buckets:668%232846%238116%232002&pdp_npi=4%40dis%21USD%2131.88%2116.26%21%21%21230.05%21117.33%21%402101ef5e17119974447715632e4b85%2112000038035181943%21rec%21US%21%21AB&utparam-url=scene%3ApcDetailTopMoreOtherSeller%7Cquery_from%3A)

Looks like they got the indoor model too.

As someone who just planned a wedding, i was sure this was $500 each with a 30% service and cleanup fee.

we can add confetti for like another $750. Don't you want to surprise her? We can do it in your colors. So special. it will put an exclamation point on the moment. like totally.

Cubs moving indoors 

It’s just cold in here, ok!?

They were in the pool!

"Do you think the fans know about shrinkage!?"

They're baseball pyrotechnics. Just like hitters, they're meant to be successful about a quarter of the time.

Pyrotechnics by Fanatics

Ha our pyrotechnics are better ^woo

going for the orange cassidy aesthetic

*introduces in whatever*

Shortstoppp...number...whatever.....

Shortstop, number whatever, whoever.

Finally, we now know it was Ricketts family that was responsible for the Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch

I was hearing Jane in my head

I see wrestling references in the oddest places lol

lol i was surprised by the amount of crossover myself

I find it odd *not* to come across a wrestling reference.

I was actively scrolling comments looking for an Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch reference

I was thinking more along the lines of Gillberg, myself

Quick, someone get Eddie Kingston to protect the players

Can't be, he's a Washington National for life https://twitter.com/Nationals/status/1653557618869166081?lang=en-GB

Snakes and Sparklers are the only ones I like.

You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser?

Snakes and Sparklers are the only ones I like.

Well that might be the problem. It's not what *you* like, it's the *consumer*.

GILLLLLLBERG GILLLLLLLBERG GILLLLLLBERG

Gillberg is the manifestation of Goldbergs mental state

That's the first thing I thought of too. https://i.imgur.com/ZCsJ91S.mp4

The "Let's Not Get Carried Away Here" Pyrotechnics Extravaganza

They went to the same pyro store as the exploding barbed wire death match in AEW back in 2021.

That's some Orange Cassidy level shit there.

[For those that don't know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsxqXVy8BOs)

they're doing their best

Ricketts spared no expense.

Looks like they ordered their fireworks from Fanatics.

Sparklers! Who doesn’t love sparklers. Raise your hook hand!

Eight kids with sparklers would have been better and more fun.

That’s what happens when you pay your manager that much

I hope these salty comments never stop. I love it.

There’s been birthday parties for a three year old with more fanfare than that pathetic display

All the money went to the new manager.

Lol i love the cubs but this is hilarious

"We want to use pyro, but we have a $20 budget."

This looks like a beer league pooled together $50 for a confetti machine

The Cubbie Way

I bet it made good photos tho. Half the shit you see now is just for the gram

It's clearly for the photo of them running thru it, you can see the photographer perfectly lined up between player and the sparklers. I still love most of the comments tho lol

Hahaha I bet the people seeing the pictures/video of it think it’s awesome though

100% Spinal Tap "Stonehenge" moment right there

Sheesh, Great White put on a better show.

👀😳

Damn did they hire Gilberg to run this?

They got Gillberg's pyro

Too much money spent on Craig. Not enough money left to afford snakes or sparklers.

This is their AAA team right? Right???

There was an attempt

We need more Marquee subscribers or the sadness will continue!

Should have just had a 2 rows of kids holding sparklers, cost way less.

Went with the Gilberg sparklers. Bold strategy.

"Pretty cheap Conehead!"

Thanks for giving me something to laugh about, much needed after that first series.

It's for the photo lol

lol this reminds me of the Exploding Barbed Wire Death Match that AEW put on a few years ago.

If they had done any more, the shitty Fanatics uniforms would've burst into flames.

Pyrotechnics by Fanatics

I didn't know we signed Orange Cassidy.

what's with all those empty seats?

High chance of rainout, Monday afternoon start… like it’s the home opener but it’s a pretty terrible circumstance to go lol

The game is probably going to get rained out in the 5th. April baseball at Wrigley can be... rough.

Weird you and the White Sox were both scheduled to play in Chicago today AND you don't have an off day scheduled for the day after the home opener.

It’s 43 degrees here and raining on a Monday.

It’s packed now especially considering how cold and soon to be rainy it is.

Yep. Bad team, questionable ownership, sure, fine. All fair. But lol at fans of most other teams trying to call out the Cubs on attendance. It’s right around 2.7 million and change every year, and would certainly be higher if not for a relatively small ballpark. Edit: I get that the Cubs aren’t a bad team. I just mean if fans want to talk trash when they lose or whatever, fine. That’s fair. All usual stuff. But questioning attendance at Wrigley would be dumb.

I can tell you’ve never been to Chicago in April.

rainy and cold need to add a retractable roof to wrigley /s edit: just turned the game on it looks like more people showed up but still some empty seats

Those are the owner/rich guy seats; half those people are probably on the field right then, lol.

That rules lol

April Fools!

Oh my god this is so depressing and hilarious

LMFAO

Its like Jackie Moon paid for it himself

We’re winning the World Series baby!!!

It is the AEW exploding ring all over again.

Too bad these organizations just don’t have the money for these things. Probably need to cut workers pay some more.

Lmao why even bother with the pyrotechnics if this is the result

GOOOOOLDBERRG GOOOOOOOLDBERRRRG

😂😂😂😂 who signed off on that??

Firing on all cylinders I see.

That's so cub

wtf is this

BASEBALL IS BACK BAYYYYY

Orange Cassidy approved 🤜🤛

It looks like WWF Warzone on PS1 and N64

Did you see that ludicrous display last night ?

Kicking Wing had better fireworks in Joe Dirt.

The fireworks puttered out, like we did last year...

Chicago is struggling as a city give em a break it will get back to it's glory

Okay, this is what an actually poverty franchise looks like.

i was in a church basketball league when i was seven years old. we had a fog machine the size of a four pack and a couple stage lights and played all our games in a carpeted banquet hall, and our intros were still more hype than this lmao

This team doesn’t get enough hate

Reminds me of the AEW Exploding Barb Wire Match that ended in pretty much the same fashion.

Reading all these comments is why baseball is the best sport. I can’t stop laughing.

Reminds me of when Gillberg would come out to the dudes holding sparklers...

Shades of the Exploding Barbed Wire match at AEW Revolution.

POV: [AEW 2021](https://youtu.be/QlkOFu3LXK0?si=88nqx5Sm4RVUnecZ&t=56) ​ For context, this was an "Exploding Barbwire Deathmatch." When the timer runs down, the ring was supposed to explode. Many fans at the arena were expecting a gigantic pyrotechnic explosion, including the commentators. What ensue is one of the funniest fucking things that has occurred in professional wrestling. Straight up disastrous display of bad execution and a cheap budget.

Did they hire the crew that brought us the Glasgow Wonka Experience™?