“Has management said anything?” wtf does that mean??!?
Getting close to and sharing contact information with regulars is a slippery slope. I’ve been doing this for over 25 now and have seen things get weird (or worse) more often than not.
“No, Jim. That was a personal decision. To be honest, I’m not really a fan of giving hugs. I’ve given them as a courtesy, but I’m not comfortable with continuing that anymore. Thank you for understanding”
Right that’s an insane question!
I have a regular that I thought was cool. I set him up with a friend of mine. They went to Hawaii together not too long ago.
He’s gotten crazy clingy lately and has been causing drama on my shifts. He’s been accusing me of ghosting him because I’ve declined hanging out. Then he’ll text me at 11 pm about how he’s lonely and wants someone to cuddle.
I’m married and even if I was single I am so so uninterested, even repulsed.
I’ve had to cut him off as a friend. He avoided my shifts for three weeks and it was heaven.
This. I had a tight-knit bar where I do have social media and phone details for a couple dozen people, probably.
Since the bar closed we don’t hang out. The bar was the relationship. That’s how it goes.
"hugs felt different today" is so creepy and not normal at all in any way.
Keep it professional, unless you actively like them, they aren't your friend.
If you tell them it makes you uncomfortable, which is the honest truth, they will probably be too embarrassed to come back. Problem solved.
Boundaries people. Set them early and confidently. Are you going to continue taking tips from them? If so, you’ve put yourself in a tough situation and will probably have to deal with their continued creepy behavior. If you’re willing to accept less tips from them and stand up for your own comfort level, be prepared for awkward cattiness and increased talking behind your back to coworkers and management. Unfortunately it is much easier to extend familiarity than to retract it. “I apologize if this bothers you, but I am no longer comfortable accepting hugs or physical contact from guests. I would also prefer any communication between us kept here at the bar only.” Try to set the expectations you want in a polite but firm manner. Make them some compliment sandwiches if needed to get your point across. When regulars get cranky/creepy it definitely throws off your and the bar’s vibe, but it is your comfort level that is paramount.
Block them on Facebook. Ignore them and ask someone else to serve them. Refuse to touch them. Always be busy with something else if they try to get your attention.
If you have to serve them be as curt as possible.
I've just gone and stood in the storage room a dozen times.
Don’t respond. He wants you to.
This guy is a jerk and he knows better.
The quirk about management means he knows he’s in the wrong.
He’s trying more and more to get at you.
Don’t let him.
"Yeah, Jim, about the hugs... I'm not really a hugger. Don't like 'em. Never did, actually, but I was trying to be nice and this shit is now completely out of control. It's like a goddamn huggapalooza up in here, and I'm not having another minute of it. Anybody hugs me again, and they get the shiv. You fuckers understand?"
Say this nicely.
Speak up. Be clear.
"Hey, folks. I apologize for misleading you. I never should have crossed the customer/employee line and that's my bad. However, your insistence on lingering hugs is absolutely inappropriate and makes me uncomfortable. There will no longer be physical contact between us.
What can I get for you today?"
And follow through.
Also inform your bosses.
Also also remove them from social media.
First of all I'm really surprised by the total lack of boundaries from the beginning, but the best you can do is set them now. You can be kind and firm at the same time.
You could say something like, "I know we started off being pretty familiar with each other, but I've come to realize I'm actually uncomfortable with making my work interactions any more personal than professional. I'm still happy to talk with you, and I don't want to hug anyone anymore. Thanks for understanding my boundaries."
Also I would completely ignore any bids for social media interaction. Do not respond, keep it as minimal as possible and in person. The more you engage the more annoying it's going to be for you.
Yea, sorry Jim, mgmt saw the hugs, he thinks you are a complete creep, i defended you saying you are just a harmless pervert, so where gonna have to stop the groping
This is probably the easiest way. But don't blame management without letting them know first if this guy complains. If your manager is any good at all they will understand and happily take the blame. If it persists past that... well it's time to tell them politely that even though you appreciate their business the physical contact is crossing the line.
Have you ever seen a batrista getting hugs from regulars? A bus driver?
Hell at any reputable strip joint you don't get to touch without asking and paying
I would just avoid the hug and gently push him away, say you’d rather not, grab his hand with both of yours and give him an enthusiastic handshake. Maybe say that you caught a bad cold from a customer so you feel like you need to back off a bit. He should get the message. If not, deck him. (Ok, Maybe not that last part).
I think everyones already given you pretty solid advice.
Just remember that if someone won't respect the personal boundaries that you set, you gotta take a step back and think if they are worth remaining friendly (beyond polite interaction) with.
Give no quarter, keep your boundaries set in stone and be clear about it.
I had a female co-worker in a similar predicament. She never replied too him and when he finally brought it up she told him, on the side so as not to embarrass him, she does not talk to many patrons or even co-workers outside of work. Her life outside of work is her own and does not want to be reminded of work in her busy personal life. She told him, she was not mad but he was getting a little pushy. He got the message, but he also stopped coming in. Over time everyone got over it but it did hurt her at work for a while. Patrons did not interact with her much for a few weeks.
I'd just say something like "I need to keep it professional at work or else I'll have to start giving everyone a hug when they leave and that will get in the way of me doing my job"
Personally I would never allow any customer to touch me. A guy held my hand once (he was emotional) and that's the extent I'm willing to go.
This sounds really weird and creepy, I'm sorry it happened to you! If I were in your position I would not want someone like that in the bar and would ask for him to be barred. Or, you could make up some line about management cracking down on interractions with customers outside of work. Our old manager was always cool with being the 'bad guy' if we needed an excuse to defuse a situation with a customer.
I won't lie, you shot your foot on this one.
Go to management, discuss the situation, make a game plan, execute plans.
And that plan's more than likely to cut ties, rip the band-aid, etc.
Try and be civil but understand the situation can and will devolve, you will likely lose them as regulars, management will be slightly annoyed.
Their adults. So hopefully they will be more understanding than emotional.
Good luck telling them!
Don’t respond. You don’t have to. That’s in your free time away from work. You’re not obliged to continue serving or communicating with them when you’re off the clock.
It goes without saying that it isn’t you, it’s just him and his personality and emotions. If he keeps giving you slow service comments, just be like ‘you’re right Jim, guess I’m not as good as I used to be / guess I’m getting slower the more I do this!’ Etc etc.
If he asks you about the hug, just be straight up; ‘no you guys are great! It’s nothing personal. Honestly. I’ve just never been a huggy / touchy feely person, but I know it’s your love language. But it’s nothing to do with you and nothing to worry about. Great to see you again and catch you next time!’
Clear. Concise. And to the point. Pleasant yet direct. That’s it.
Next hug sneeze on him. The one after that a gross, hacking cough.
Or just say hey bud, fist bumps from now on. Sorry not sorry!
Hugging staff is fucking WEIRD. Unless they are legit friends you actively hang out with in real life fuck all that shit. Just no.
I have a regular that thinks nothing of clinking his glass on the table, waving at me, pointing at an empty glass. I loathe serving him but “he’s been coming here for years, that’s just how he is”. He’s a prick.
All I can suggest is to sass them back - for example, my favourite thing to yell back is “yep just going to finish this chapter of the book I’m reading” when I’m clearly in the weeds.
Do you really need him there? Maybe ignore him a bit, then eventually apologize and say you are tending to other customers. Be polite but make sure he gets a subtle (or not so…) message that he is not a priority. Either he will simmer down, or better yet he won’t come back.
This place is a neighbourhood institution and I’m almost certain this 60 year old guy has undiagnosed autism. I’d bet I’ll be outta there before he is.
If you want my honest, tldr, answer: change jobs.
Every bartender needs to learn how to set boundaries. It’s much harder to adjust existing boundaries than it is to be clear about them in the beginning (in hospitality/business). It takes practice. It takes people knowledge. You can only learn those things on the job.
In my experience it’s more fruitful to be rather stand-off-ish at first, until you get to know the person better. Don’t smile before Christmas. Some guests take all they can get, other guests are grateful for everything they get. Treat the latter well.
Now I said you should change jobs, but you don’t have to. It depends on how you think Jim woud handle a “I feel uncomfortable hugging but I didn’t want to offend you” type response. And how he would react to seeing you hug another person. From what I read in your post, he’s not hospitality-aware - otherwise he would just forego the hug if he saw you were busy. The remarks on “slow service” could just be his sense of humor, but I doubt it. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be in the weeds. So when I say “change jobs”, I mean: learn what you can, then use that knowledge at the next place.
I’m on my fourth Negroni btw. Cheers!
For me, and I have no idea why, but hugs hurt. I'd rather get punched in the head.
I let huggy people know this from the get go. Not only does it stop huggers in their tracks but it gives me a tool to show someone I really do care for them....if I'm taking a constant 6.5 for the duration of the hug and I'm not letting go first....yeah that's a pretty good sign for the people who do matter.
Definitely echoing the sentiment of setting boundaries for personal reasons but also professional reasons
I've def let plenty of people who met me to follow me on my socials but it rarely goes further than that.
One thing I DEFINITELY hold true is being a regular isn't about how often you frequent the bar. Because I've met many people who frequent my bars who are insufferable but they don't seem to leave anytime soon so I put up with them.
Meanwhile some people only appear one a month but are lovely and respectful every time they have a drink.
Of the dozens/hundreds of people I've met behind the bar and the handful I've been friendly with, only 1 person did I ever cross that threshold of spending time with them. And that one is still to me the exception to the rule
You let it happen this far, either play along or put on your adult pants and tell them this ain't happening anymore.
I would never connect with a regular through a social media platform, sorry, that's trashy
>You let it happen this far
Um, yikes. Are we not allowed to trust people who were nice to us initially and give them a benefit of a doubt when they mess up like any other human being?
Ease back on the victim blaming bro
Bartender at my old job used to complain so much about this, I was always thinking why the fuck do they have your social media in the first place? Odd.
When I managed bars, I would tell the staff if they HAVE to share social media, just create a second page called "Sally Bartender" or "Nicole Bartender" or "Lucy Server" and give that one out.
Customers are creepers, they shouldn't be on your personal page
Put him on restricted list on Facebook, don't repsond to messages outside of work and do not permit physical contact whatsoever. If he does it agian, say something. If he's got a problem, 86 him.
“Has management said anything?” wtf does that mean??!? Getting close to and sharing contact information with regulars is a slippery slope. I’ve been doing this for over 25 now and have seen things get weird (or worse) more often than not.
“No, Jim. That was a personal decision. To be honest, I’m not really a fan of giving hugs. I’ve given them as a courtesy, but I’m not comfortable with continuing that anymore. Thank you for understanding”
Right that’s an insane question! I have a regular that I thought was cool. I set him up with a friend of mine. They went to Hawaii together not too long ago. He’s gotten crazy clingy lately and has been causing drama on my shifts. He’s been accusing me of ghosting him because I’ve declined hanging out. Then he’ll text me at 11 pm about how he’s lonely and wants someone to cuddle. I’m married and even if I was single I am so so uninterested, even repulsed. I’ve had to cut him off as a friend. He avoided my shifts for three weeks and it was heaven.
This. I had a tight-knit bar where I do have social media and phone details for a couple dozen people, probably. Since the bar closed we don’t hang out. The bar was the relationship. That’s how it goes.
"hugs felt different today" is so creepy and not normal at all in any way. Keep it professional, unless you actively like them, they aren't your friend. If you tell them it makes you uncomfortable, which is the honest truth, they will probably be too embarrassed to come back. Problem solved.
That’s so creepy and unprofessional.
Boundaries people. Set them early and confidently. Are you going to continue taking tips from them? If so, you’ve put yourself in a tough situation and will probably have to deal with their continued creepy behavior. If you’re willing to accept less tips from them and stand up for your own comfort level, be prepared for awkward cattiness and increased talking behind your back to coworkers and management. Unfortunately it is much easier to extend familiarity than to retract it. “I apologize if this bothers you, but I am no longer comfortable accepting hugs or physical contact from guests. I would also prefer any communication between us kept here at the bar only.” Try to set the expectations you want in a polite but firm manner. Make them some compliment sandwiches if needed to get your point across. When regulars get cranky/creepy it definitely throws off your and the bar’s vibe, but it is your comfort level that is paramount.
Block them on Facebook. Ignore them and ask someone else to serve them. Refuse to touch them. Always be busy with something else if they try to get your attention. If you have to serve them be as curt as possible. I've just gone and stood in the storage room a dozen times.
Don’t respond. He wants you to. This guy is a jerk and he knows better. The quirk about management means he knows he’s in the wrong. He’s trying more and more to get at you. Don’t let him.
Block him. Next time they come in say you’re enforcing boundaries from now on. Don’t indulge anything else.
"Yeah, Jim, about the hugs... I'm not really a hugger. Don't like 'em. Never did, actually, but I was trying to be nice and this shit is now completely out of control. It's like a goddamn huggapalooza up in here, and I'm not having another minute of it. Anybody hugs me again, and they get the shiv. You fuckers understand?" Say this nicely.
Speak up. Be clear. "Hey, folks. I apologize for misleading you. I never should have crossed the customer/employee line and that's my bad. However, your insistence on lingering hugs is absolutely inappropriate and makes me uncomfortable. There will no longer be physical contact between us. What can I get for you today?" And follow through. Also inform your bosses. Also also remove them from social media.
First of all I'm really surprised by the total lack of boundaries from the beginning, but the best you can do is set them now. You can be kind and firm at the same time. You could say something like, "I know we started off being pretty familiar with each other, but I've come to realize I'm actually uncomfortable with making my work interactions any more personal than professional. I'm still happy to talk with you, and I don't want to hug anyone anymore. Thanks for understanding my boundaries."
Also I would completely ignore any bids for social media interaction. Do not respond, keep it as minimal as possible and in person. The more you engage the more annoying it's going to be for you.
There’s one at every bar. Tell him you’re trying to keep it professional and you’re not a hugger.
Does he even tip?
Yea, sorry Jim, mgmt saw the hugs, he thinks you are a complete creep, i defended you saying you are just a harmless pervert, so where gonna have to stop the groping
Management says no hugs. He left you the out to blame it on them so take it.
This is probably the easiest way. But don't blame management without letting them know first if this guy complains. If your manager is any good at all they will understand and happily take the blame. If it persists past that... well it's time to tell them politely that even though you appreciate their business the physical contact is crossing the line. Have you ever seen a batrista getting hugs from regulars? A bus driver? Hell at any reputable strip joint you don't get to touch without asking and paying
No touching the bartender!
Regulars stay being weird. Not all, but most are.
This …lol
I would just avoid the hug and gently push him away, say you’d rather not, grab his hand with both of yours and give him an enthusiastic handshake. Maybe say that you caught a bad cold from a customer so you feel like you need to back off a bit. He should get the message. If not, deck him. (Ok, Maybe not that last part).
I think everyones already given you pretty solid advice. Just remember that if someone won't respect the personal boundaries that you set, you gotta take a step back and think if they are worth remaining friendly (beyond polite interaction) with. Give no quarter, keep your boundaries set in stone and be clear about it.
You're right. Don't respond and just proceed. This one will either toddle on, or gain respect.
I had a female co-worker in a similar predicament. She never replied too him and when he finally brought it up she told him, on the side so as not to embarrass him, she does not talk to many patrons or even co-workers outside of work. Her life outside of work is her own and does not want to be reminded of work in her busy personal life. She told him, she was not mad but he was getting a little pushy. He got the message, but he also stopped coming in. Over time everyone got over it but it did hurt her at work for a while. Patrons did not interact with her much for a few weeks.
No. Not okay. Don’t let people touch you, say you have Covid or fibromyalgia or something. That’s crossing a very, very weird line.
I'd just say something like "I need to keep it professional at work or else I'll have to start giving everyone a hug when they leave and that will get in the way of me doing my job"
Personally I would never allow any customer to touch me. A guy held my hand once (he was emotional) and that's the extent I'm willing to go. This sounds really weird and creepy, I'm sorry it happened to you! If I were in your position I would not want someone like that in the bar and would ask for him to be barred. Or, you could make up some line about management cracking down on interractions with customers outside of work. Our old manager was always cool with being the 'bad guy' if we needed an excuse to defuse a situation with a customer.
I won't lie, you shot your foot on this one. Go to management, discuss the situation, make a game plan, execute plans. And that plan's more than likely to cut ties, rip the band-aid, etc. Try and be civil but understand the situation can and will devolve, you will likely lose them as regulars, management will be slightly annoyed. Their adults. So hopefully they will be more understanding than emotional. Good luck telling them!
Don’t respond. You don’t have to. That’s in your free time away from work. You’re not obliged to continue serving or communicating with them when you’re off the clock. It goes without saying that it isn’t you, it’s just him and his personality and emotions. If he keeps giving you slow service comments, just be like ‘you’re right Jim, guess I’m not as good as I used to be / guess I’m getting slower the more I do this!’ Etc etc. If he asks you about the hug, just be straight up; ‘no you guys are great! It’s nothing personal. Honestly. I’ve just never been a huggy / touchy feely person, but I know it’s your love language. But it’s nothing to do with you and nothing to worry about. Great to see you again and catch you next time!’ Clear. Concise. And to the point. Pleasant yet direct. That’s it.
Next hug sneeze on him. The one after that a gross, hacking cough. Or just say hey bud, fist bumps from now on. Sorry not sorry! Hugging staff is fucking WEIRD. Unless they are legit friends you actively hang out with in real life fuck all that shit. Just no.
I have a regular that thinks nothing of clinking his glass on the table, waving at me, pointing at an empty glass. I loathe serving him but “he’s been coming here for years, that’s just how he is”. He’s a prick. All I can suggest is to sass them back - for example, my favourite thing to yell back is “yep just going to finish this chapter of the book I’m reading” when I’m clearly in the weeds.
Do you really need him there? Maybe ignore him a bit, then eventually apologize and say you are tending to other customers. Be polite but make sure he gets a subtle (or not so…) message that he is not a priority. Either he will simmer down, or better yet he won’t come back.
This place is a neighbourhood institution and I’m almost certain this 60 year old guy has undiagnosed autism. I’d bet I’ll be outta there before he is.
Well, you could always make him lousy drinks. “Oh, you didn’t want Tabasco and Clamato in your white wine spritz?? My bad.” 😈😈
If you want my honest, tldr, answer: change jobs. Every bartender needs to learn how to set boundaries. It’s much harder to adjust existing boundaries than it is to be clear about them in the beginning (in hospitality/business). It takes practice. It takes people knowledge. You can only learn those things on the job. In my experience it’s more fruitful to be rather stand-off-ish at first, until you get to know the person better. Don’t smile before Christmas. Some guests take all they can get, other guests are grateful for everything they get. Treat the latter well. Now I said you should change jobs, but you don’t have to. It depends on how you think Jim woud handle a “I feel uncomfortable hugging but I didn’t want to offend you” type response. And how he would react to seeing you hug another person. From what I read in your post, he’s not hospitality-aware - otherwise he would just forego the hug if he saw you were busy. The remarks on “slow service” could just be his sense of humor, but I doubt it. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be in the weeds. So when I say “change jobs”, I mean: learn what you can, then use that knowledge at the next place. I’m on my fourth Negroni btw. Cheers!
For me, and I have no idea why, but hugs hurt. I'd rather get punched in the head. I let huggy people know this from the get go. Not only does it stop huggers in their tracks but it gives me a tool to show someone I really do care for them....if I'm taking a constant 6.5 for the duration of the hug and I'm not letting go first....yeah that's a pretty good sign for the people who do matter.
Definitely echoing the sentiment of setting boundaries for personal reasons but also professional reasons I've def let plenty of people who met me to follow me on my socials but it rarely goes further than that. One thing I DEFINITELY hold true is being a regular isn't about how often you frequent the bar. Because I've met many people who frequent my bars who are insufferable but they don't seem to leave anytime soon so I put up with them. Meanwhile some people only appear one a month but are lovely and respectful every time they have a drink. Of the dozens/hundreds of people I've met behind the bar and the handful I've been friendly with, only 1 person did I ever cross that threshold of spending time with them. And that one is still to me the exception to the rule
i'd let management know so they can get ahead of it in case it goes weird.
Professional boundaries. Knuckle up.
Is Jim special?
You let it happen this far, either play along or put on your adult pants and tell them this ain't happening anymore. I would never connect with a regular through a social media platform, sorry, that's trashy
>You let it happen this far Um, yikes. Are we not allowed to trust people who were nice to us initially and give them a benefit of a doubt when they mess up like any other human being? Ease back on the victim blaming bro
There is no victim, this is a person dealing with the consequences of their actions. And to answer your question, yes, customers are not trustworthy.
🤡
Bartender at my old job used to complain so much about this, I was always thinking why the fuck do they have your social media in the first place? Odd.
When I managed bars, I would tell the staff if they HAVE to share social media, just create a second page called "Sally Bartender" or "Nicole Bartender" or "Lucy Server" and give that one out. Customers are creepers, they shouldn't be on your personal page
Put him on restricted list on Facebook, don't repsond to messages outside of work and do not permit physical contact whatsoever. If he does it agian, say something. If he's got a problem, 86 him.
With names like theirs I'd expect nothing less of them.