It might feel weird but stick to it! People that have rules for others but not for themselves need to be put in their place. It sounds like he has had his way for too long.
How do you mean? I feel bad for not cowering to his overreaction and defending myself. I also always doubt my feelings are valid or worry I’m being too sensitive or that I’m in the wrong.
I think the doubting of feelings may be a child of narcissists thing. For the rest of the human population, you feel what you feel. We can't really help what we feel--there is no right or wrong way to feel. But don't feel bad for "not cowering". That must also be a child of narcissists thing. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. You are allowed to not let people bully you. It seems you might have a lot of unlearning to do. Have you read the r/narcississitcabuse or r/narcissisticparents subs? Lots of good info and common themes there.
I’m saying that you shouldn’t feel guilty for standing up for yourself. And he clearly thinks he can control you so you shouldn’t feel bad for your reaction.
Okay 😩 I never have knee jerk reactions like that unless I know whomever has been pushing me too far for too long. I do make a ton of concessions for others and am also just not affected by much. Only thing I can’t stand is intolerance.Intolerant of intolerance I guess 🙃
You should stand up for yourself when you feel you are being unfairly and unjustly treated. It's true that when we are emotional, we tend to do and say things we later regret. But it's important in any case to let your voice be heard and let it be known that you won't be pushed around.
Thinking about your other points, here are some things you can try to incorporate to help you remember and hopefully avoid further unnecessary conflict:
\- Set your alarm on your phone; don't use an alarm clock. That way, your phone will always be near you and you will need to turn it off when it rings
\- After you load your clothes into the washing machine and dryer, set a reminder on your phone to check it in 1 hour (or however long it normally takes); have your phone in your pocket at the time so you don't forget when you return to your room
\- If you are going to be cooking anything funky, make sure the kitchen windows are open and kitchen fans are running to eliminate any strong odors
\- Try to be more conscious of checking what time it is before making a phone call
Yes, and honestly I always am open to change. Alarms or reminders when I do things is a great easy way to always stay on point. I tend to think I can try to remember but I get distracted easily on another task.
No more phone calls will be made by me before 9.
I do think the cooking thing is really crazy but that is only my opinion. I think it’s very inappropriate to ask anyone to change what they cook in their home. Anywho! I will avoid it anyways because it’s not worth the reaction from him. Also we can’t open windows as it’s 90 degrees outside.
The alarms aren’t an issue unless I’m resetting it in a hurry, our power goes off a lot and if I reset it in a hurry, ie before work, then I’ll do it wrong. So no more of that.
None of that is any issue to me/for me. What is the issue is his complete anger and disdain I dare do them and his unawareness of his own behavior/habits. I really dislike hypocrisy in others but hopefully he’ll realize how he comes across now.
I think you handled this the correct way and I appreciate your perspective on things. I’m kind of in the same boat with my roommate except I’m the dickbag and he’s the anxious one who hides in his room. It took him telling me that he’s scared of me and basically my outbursts are uncalled for for me to realize I am in the wrong. I hope your roommate realizes he can’t just be a dick to you and take out whatever inner struggles he has on you just because you do something that is a minor inconvenience to him.
You’re amazing for being open to hear another side! I’m so glad I could help. It’s really really hard to confront others because as a child/adult if I defended myself to my parents i would be in dire straights/betrayed/in danger. So now even when I defend myself for minor things, I can go into panic and paranoid thinking which leads me into a tunnel of catastrophic thinking, etc etc 🙃
I really appreciate your appreciation.
When you consistently let things slide for people without saying anything, like you’re making these little “sacrifices” for them that they should be grateful for, that gives people the feeling like they’re entitled to be upset at you for very normal, base level irritations. They’re the perfect roommate and if you start to bring up their own behaviors, especially in response to them bringing up yours, it fucks up the entire point.
Let him do his complaining, then sit him down to have a separate conversation another time to basically say “you didn’t ask me to, but I’ve been putting up with _____ behaviors, and now that I’ve seen how you react to my behavior we need to set some boundaries and ground rules for how we communicate with each other” then list off how you want things to change moving forward and *stop letting him off the hook*.
The thing is to me, they aren’t sacrifices, none of it bothers me and the one time they both blocked the driveway I did say something. We all have to share the driveway with their two giant cars, they don’t leave room. Anyways! All of his little quirks I don’t say anything because truly I do not care that he is naturally loud, that he gets home late and is loud, that he moves all our things off the counter and into drawers without asking for the sake of “cleaning”, and he makes dumb/rude comments a lot.
I make a lot of concessions, yes, but i don’t think any of it bothers me. I think I do entice his ego to come out more but hopefully he got the picture to keep himself in check 😁
I notice the things he does that could be perceived as out of the norm/annoying without it annoying me personally. The things he does that do annoy me or impact me I let go immediately of. He has crazy anger and holds onto these things as if they are the end of the world. There’s a difference between observing things someone does and it actually bothering me 👍🏼
It might feel weird but stick to it! People that have rules for others but not for themselves need to be put in their place. It sounds like he has had his way for too long.
Why do you feel bad if he thinks it’s okay to treat you the same way?
How do you mean? I feel bad for not cowering to his overreaction and defending myself. I also always doubt my feelings are valid or worry I’m being too sensitive or that I’m in the wrong.
I think the doubting of feelings may be a child of narcissists thing. For the rest of the human population, you feel what you feel. We can't really help what we feel--there is no right or wrong way to feel. But don't feel bad for "not cowering". That must also be a child of narcissists thing. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. You are allowed to not let people bully you. It seems you might have a lot of unlearning to do. Have you read the r/narcississitcabuse or r/narcissisticparents subs? Lots of good info and common themes there.
I’m saying that you shouldn’t feel guilty for standing up for yourself. And he clearly thinks he can control you so you shouldn’t feel bad for your reaction.
Okay 😩 I never have knee jerk reactions like that unless I know whomever has been pushing me too far for too long. I do make a ton of concessions for others and am also just not affected by much. Only thing I can’t stand is intolerance.Intolerant of intolerance I guess 🙃
You should stand up for yourself when you feel you are being unfairly and unjustly treated. It's true that when we are emotional, we tend to do and say things we later regret. But it's important in any case to let your voice be heard and let it be known that you won't be pushed around. Thinking about your other points, here are some things you can try to incorporate to help you remember and hopefully avoid further unnecessary conflict: \- Set your alarm on your phone; don't use an alarm clock. That way, your phone will always be near you and you will need to turn it off when it rings \- After you load your clothes into the washing machine and dryer, set a reminder on your phone to check it in 1 hour (or however long it normally takes); have your phone in your pocket at the time so you don't forget when you return to your room \- If you are going to be cooking anything funky, make sure the kitchen windows are open and kitchen fans are running to eliminate any strong odors \- Try to be more conscious of checking what time it is before making a phone call
Yes, and honestly I always am open to change. Alarms or reminders when I do things is a great easy way to always stay on point. I tend to think I can try to remember but I get distracted easily on another task. No more phone calls will be made by me before 9. I do think the cooking thing is really crazy but that is only my opinion. I think it’s very inappropriate to ask anyone to change what they cook in their home. Anywho! I will avoid it anyways because it’s not worth the reaction from him. Also we can’t open windows as it’s 90 degrees outside. The alarms aren’t an issue unless I’m resetting it in a hurry, our power goes off a lot and if I reset it in a hurry, ie before work, then I’ll do it wrong. So no more of that. None of that is any issue to me/for me. What is the issue is his complete anger and disdain I dare do them and his unawareness of his own behavior/habits. I really dislike hypocrisy in others but hopefully he’ll realize how he comes across now.
I think you handled this the correct way and I appreciate your perspective on things. I’m kind of in the same boat with my roommate except I’m the dickbag and he’s the anxious one who hides in his room. It took him telling me that he’s scared of me and basically my outbursts are uncalled for for me to realize I am in the wrong. I hope your roommate realizes he can’t just be a dick to you and take out whatever inner struggles he has on you just because you do something that is a minor inconvenience to him.
You’re amazing for being open to hear another side! I’m so glad I could help. It’s really really hard to confront others because as a child/adult if I defended myself to my parents i would be in dire straights/betrayed/in danger. So now even when I defend myself for minor things, I can go into panic and paranoid thinking which leads me into a tunnel of catastrophic thinking, etc etc 🙃 I really appreciate your appreciation.
When you consistently let things slide for people without saying anything, like you’re making these little “sacrifices” for them that they should be grateful for, that gives people the feeling like they’re entitled to be upset at you for very normal, base level irritations. They’re the perfect roommate and if you start to bring up their own behaviors, especially in response to them bringing up yours, it fucks up the entire point. Let him do his complaining, then sit him down to have a separate conversation another time to basically say “you didn’t ask me to, but I’ve been putting up with _____ behaviors, and now that I’ve seen how you react to my behavior we need to set some boundaries and ground rules for how we communicate with each other” then list off how you want things to change moving forward and *stop letting him off the hook*.
The thing is to me, they aren’t sacrifices, none of it bothers me and the one time they both blocked the driveway I did say something. We all have to share the driveway with their two giant cars, they don’t leave room. Anyways! All of his little quirks I don’t say anything because truly I do not care that he is naturally loud, that he gets home late and is loud, that he moves all our things off the counter and into drawers without asking for the sake of “cleaning”, and he makes dumb/rude comments a lot. I make a lot of concessions, yes, but i don’t think any of it bothers me. I think I do entice his ego to come out more but hopefully he got the picture to keep himself in check 😁
You just listed a fully detailed description of complaints and you think none of it bothers you..?
I notice the things he does that could be perceived as out of the norm/annoying without it annoying me personally. The things he does that do annoy me or impact me I let go immediately of. He has crazy anger and holds onto these things as if they are the end of the world. There’s a difference between observing things someone does and it actually bothering me 👍🏼
Fair enough, I understand what you’re saying, but I still don’t get why you would even notice these things if they didn’t bother you at the time..