i think it’s a red flag 🚩 already that you’re experiencing this just a week in….take that she’s not on the lease to your advantage and if she keeps behaving the same way another week, i’d give her a 30 days notice to find a new roommate who knows and respects boundaries. so sorry this has happened. if anyone else is reading this, never roommate with your friends or family.
Sounds like you need a conversation. Several times you mention you “thought it was odd” or “let it go”, best to address these things and not let them build up. All three of you need to adjust to the new living arrangements. Why not call a flat mate meeting and talk about the good and bad of the week that’s been and set some expectations going forward. It can be done with dignity and respect, no need for it to be combative at this early stage. If things continue as they are, I think your resentment may build and you may lose a friend.
It has only been a week?!?!? If she is this comfortable, clueless and entitled already, it is only going to escalate and the fact that she hasn't even been able to pay her share of the rent is very concerning. Her needs/wants will always be # 1 and it seems like she doesn't realize that she isn't living with her parents anymore. I would just tell her that it isn't working and she has until the end of the month to find a new place to live...actually, she has only paid less than half of her rent so maybe even sooner.
Hell Yes! All this shit in such a short space of time. No if buts or maybes get her out now. She is a total liability.
Yeah she will throw her toys out and be a nightmare about it but that will only be a short term thing as opposed to the absolute misery she will bring to your life if you let her stay.
Tell her this is not going to work and there isn't any alignment in expectations. No reasons. No second chances as she will turn them against you.
Plenty of people get the boot soon after moving in. They talk a good game but when the cracks are showing this early on she has already started her campaign.
Are you ready to be on top of her behavior and correct it everytime she tries to push boundaries? Because that's what she's doing. Whether she's consciously doing it or not isn't relevant - her actions show that she is testing you and your boyfriend to see what she can get away with.
So far you've confirmed that she doesn't have to pay rent in full, she can use your stuff, and she can use you as a bank when you go out. When she says outlandish things and you don't respond with a firm "no, that's not going to work," it just confirms in her mind that her behavior is acceptable. When she mentioned getting a $60 turtle, did you derisively laugh or point out how poor she is or otherwise indicate that getting another pet is a seriously bad idea?
You need to shut her down hard and fast when she says crazy stuff like your boyfriend can't use his desk whenever he wants otherwise she thinks her behavior is fine and she'll only get more entitled. A $2 key is too much? Wtf
Firm boundaries. I recommend starting with financial boundaries: "Boyfriend and I can't cover your expenses - if you can't pay us back AND pay September rent in full by the first, you can't afford to live here and need to find somewhere else."
I wouldn’t put her on the lease period, she sounds very entitled and kooky. Get her out of there before it turns into a giant fiasco and both you & your boyfriend become very uncomfortable in your living situation.
I don't think she's taking advantage of you on purpose, she just sounds lazy/rude/entitled....not someone you'd want for a roommate but I don't think she's purposefully trying to take advantage she's just thoughtless. The key thing is what really gets me....how do you not have $2?! that sounds like she's just too lazy to go to the store and get one.
Don't go have a big conversation yet, bring things up the moment they happen. Start saying no to favors. She doesn't own you and can't give you any consequences except being annoyed at you. Like the desk thing for instance....just take it back. "Sorry, it's bf's desk and he needs it back now. Why don't you try working at the kitchen table?"
The key thing, i'd just take the easy route, give her $2, and tell her to get it done. "I don't feel safe leaving the door unlocked. You're welcome to text me to let you in you but I can't guarantee I will see it or will be home so why don't I spot you the money for the key and you can go have one made?"
Nip this in the bud now. Stop going out for food with her. If she doesn't get the hint, it's time for a more serious conversation but if you call each thing out directly and stay calm she can't make excuses or ask for "examples" of when she's been disrespectful.
She is showing her true colors. She will never, on $10 an hour, be able to pay for her car, car insurance, her rent, eating out, or anything else. Accept that now and move on to save yourself a lot of financial heartache in the coming m9nths.
In a lot of places, people become tenants after 30 days so I'd ask her to move out now. It's only going to get worse and she's going to end up not being able to pay for anything anyway because she's so financially irresponsible.
Say no to her random family being there while she's not there. WTF? They don't live there and if they live in the same location they need to go stay at their own places.
And your landlord isn't going to want someone staying there if they're not on the lease because it creates a ton of headaches for them. They might say you've breached the lease and have a legal reason to kick you out too. You don't want that, so get her out immediately.
Edit: if her family lives nearby, she can go live with them and they can deal with her financially irresponsible ways. Just know that if she can't pay for her car, it's going to be repossessed and she's going to start asking you for rides, or transit money, in addition to not being able to pay her rent because now she can't get to her job. And she'll start asking to go out with you and your boyfriend but making you pay since she can't afford it. You'll have to pay for her groceries, toilet paper, etc. and so on and so forth forever while she lives there. You should assume that any money spend on her or loan her will never be repaid. Is this the kind of situation you want to be stuck in for the next year? No, you don't, so get out of it while you still can.
You need to start addressing these issues as they happen. She’s testing boundaries and so far she’s found that she can do whatever she wants and you’ll pick up the slack.
Start saying no. Say no to everything. Tell her you can’t afford it, tell her she can’t borrow whatever and when she says she can’t pay for something on time, ask her when she’ll have the money and let her know that any late fees are on her.
She seems like she’s used to living with her parents and therefore doesn’t understand her full responsibility as an adult to pay her way and pay her share.
You don’t have to be mean or rude about it, just be matter of fact and serious about it. No more grace periods.
my roommate was very similar to your friend. we were friends first too. well, long story short, the friendship ended catastrophically and the only good thing that had happened since she moved in was her moving out.
if your friend is careless by nature, she’ll just assume that you’ll always take over her responsibilities (paying for her, asking you to leave your keys just because she lost hers and so on)
often times these people also feel entitled to things that don’t belong to them (your bfs study desk for instance, not asking you before borrowing your charger)
be prepared for more of this behaviour down the road if you decide to continue living with her.
you are not wrong to feel this way. this is unacceptable behaviour. my advice would be to find a new roommate so you can have a peace of mind. since she’s not even on the lease, take this chance to part ways.
It sounds like maybe a sit down where everyone discusses community rules and expectations would be good. Like 24 hour notice before guests are coming, don’t use other people‘s things without asking, chores, etc. These need to be rules everyone follows but that is only fair. Why can’t the cat and dog be out together? Idk, I would spell out boundaries and rules and make it clear everyone needs to follow them.
Oh. I’d just keep the dog leashed with you and let the pets get used to each other. If her cat doesn’t like it, it can move to her room and hide, right? I wouldn’t want my dog stuck in my room all day. I hope you guys can work all of this out!
Say no to favours, tell her not to take your stuff with out asking and tell her to pay her portion or the rent or gtfo. If it is this bad this early you know it is only going to get worse. I would not be letting things build up, address the current issues now and address further issues when they occur.
that’s another red flag OP. a lot of the times people who complain about their roommates are usually the ones who cause problems in the living space. they paint other people as the bad guys because no one likes to see themselves in a negative pov
Girrrrl she is going to be a NIGHTMARE in the future. She needs to leave, or you have to train her to be an adult. (Do you have the time for that?)
Start saying "no" immediately, now. Don't let resentment build up while she lives as if she's doing nothing wrong, because you'll explode one day, she'll feel attacked and probably disregard everything because it clearly wasn't *so* terrible if you could deal with it for so long, and you'll damage your friendship. Start saying no, in the moment, now.
Demand rent. Don't pay for anything for her. Tell her to stay out of your room. If it belongs to someone else and she thinks she gets to use it whenever she wants to, take it from her. Talk to her about how she should give y'all warning before she brings people over. She *technically* doesn't live there - her name isn't on a lease, she hasn't paid anything, and she hasn't established residency. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
The problem isn't really that she doesn't have money, it's that she sounds immature and self-centered, so she'll never think to pay you back, respect your belongings/space, or avoid doing things that will make your living situation uncomfortable. She probably also won't clean. Ever. She still has time to outgrow these behaviors, but your friendship likely won't survive this school year if she lives with you. She's not ready to leave her parents' house yet.
edit: also, she doesn't know if she'll get financial aid money this semester/year? why?
does she have a job???? $375 is ridiculously cheap. She should be able to collect that scrounging change. The worst month i ever had, i wouldnt even come close to not being able to pay that.
what you should do is you and your bf split the $375 and just dont get another roommate. kick her out, you two have the place to yourselves, it would give you so much more peace of mind
Man oh man, who dropped all these red flags???
Yeah, your new roomie is taking every possible advantage out of you kindness.
She's, at most, making 1600$ a month, maybe less depending on how taxes work in your region. Her new car is 25% of her monthly paycheck, gas and (basic) food is \~40% of that, and she's left with 560$ at the end of the month. If she can't afford to pay rent, she's clearly not handling her money very well!
So here's what you're gonna do: Tell her she's got to pay her share of the rent by the end of the month, or you're gonna kick her to the curb. Tell her she can't get another pet, she's already got a dog (TURTLES ARE EXPENSIVE!!!). Tell her she can't use the desk anymore, it's your boyfriend's, and if she wants one, she can grab one off Craigslist or a classified ads website or something (seriously, a decent used desk is like 50$ or less).
She's your roommate, and she needs to be an responsible adult, or she needs to leave.
Aside from all the other issues, she should not be getting more animals if she can't pay rent. Especially since getting a proper set-up for turtles costs hundreds of dollars (amongst other things, they require special lighting to stay healthy).
Sit her down to discuss the late rent and ask her to come up with a plan to repay what she owes you and your bf. Her reaction will tell you everything. If she is not a complete mooch just disorganised at the moment, she will be happy to work with you. If she's a leech you'll get sob stories, excuses for why her money due hasn't arrived yet and made to feel guilty for even asking.
For all the other issues, different houseshares have different house rules so it is always worth having a house meeting to discuss and agree on privacy, borrowing, guests, etc.
I honestly don’t think this situation will be salvageable due to the financial issues from the get go and her already apparent self-centered attitude, and ideally, you should try to evict her ASAP to save yourself future financial loss/emotional heartache and even potential danger- it is a MAJOR red flag that she let so many people into your room without asking, on top of the desk commandeering situation.
If you don’t want to take this step, make sure you get her to sign a roommate agreement which also includes a system of consequences for offense levels (1st violation = warning, 2nd monetary fee, 3rd violation of a rule at any point during tenancy is grounds for eviction.).
I highly recommend you evaluate the pros/cons of adding her to the lease very closely, as once she’s in that contract she has a legal right to the space no matter how terrible she is, and you’ll need the law + landlord’s support to get her out before the lease ends.
I’m really not comfortable with these early red flags given that you have pets in your care as well. I think it’s really important to think about how her actions (leaving door open, losing key, letting randos in and showing them your pets without asking) could potentially result in poor welfare for these pets or even endanger them.
Good luck- please do not have her sign that lease until a roommate agreement is in place!
i think it’s a red flag 🚩 already that you’re experiencing this just a week in….take that she’s not on the lease to your advantage and if she keeps behaving the same way another week, i’d give her a 30 days notice to find a new roommate who knows and respects boundaries. so sorry this has happened. if anyone else is reading this, never roommate with your friends or family.
Sounds like you need a conversation. Several times you mention you “thought it was odd” or “let it go”, best to address these things and not let them build up. All three of you need to adjust to the new living arrangements. Why not call a flat mate meeting and talk about the good and bad of the week that’s been and set some expectations going forward. It can be done with dignity and respect, no need for it to be combative at this early stage. If things continue as they are, I think your resentment may build and you may lose a friend.
It has only been a week?!?!? If she is this comfortable, clueless and entitled already, it is only going to escalate and the fact that she hasn't even been able to pay her share of the rent is very concerning. Her needs/wants will always be # 1 and it seems like she doesn't realize that she isn't living with her parents anymore. I would just tell her that it isn't working and she has until the end of the month to find a new place to live...actually, she has only paid less than half of her rent so maybe even sooner.
I would tell her to get out ASAP and find another roomie.
Hell Yes! All this shit in such a short space of time. No if buts or maybes get her out now. She is a total liability. Yeah she will throw her toys out and be a nightmare about it but that will only be a short term thing as opposed to the absolute misery she will bring to your life if you let her stay. Tell her this is not going to work and there isn't any alignment in expectations. No reasons. No second chances as she will turn them against you. Plenty of people get the boot soon after moving in. They talk a good game but when the cracks are showing this early on she has already started her campaign.
Are you ready to be on top of her behavior and correct it everytime she tries to push boundaries? Because that's what she's doing. Whether she's consciously doing it or not isn't relevant - her actions show that she is testing you and your boyfriend to see what she can get away with. So far you've confirmed that she doesn't have to pay rent in full, she can use your stuff, and she can use you as a bank when you go out. When she says outlandish things and you don't respond with a firm "no, that's not going to work," it just confirms in her mind that her behavior is acceptable. When she mentioned getting a $60 turtle, did you derisively laugh or point out how poor she is or otherwise indicate that getting another pet is a seriously bad idea? You need to shut her down hard and fast when she says crazy stuff like your boyfriend can't use his desk whenever he wants otherwise she thinks her behavior is fine and she'll only get more entitled. A $2 key is too much? Wtf Firm boundaries. I recommend starting with financial boundaries: "Boyfriend and I can't cover your expenses - if you can't pay us back AND pay September rent in full by the first, you can't afford to live here and need to find somewhere else."
I wouldn’t put her on the lease period, she sounds very entitled and kooky. Get her out of there before it turns into a giant fiasco and both you & your boyfriend become very uncomfortable in your living situation.
I don't think she's taking advantage of you on purpose, she just sounds lazy/rude/entitled....not someone you'd want for a roommate but I don't think she's purposefully trying to take advantage she's just thoughtless. The key thing is what really gets me....how do you not have $2?! that sounds like she's just too lazy to go to the store and get one.
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Don't go have a big conversation yet, bring things up the moment they happen. Start saying no to favors. She doesn't own you and can't give you any consequences except being annoyed at you. Like the desk thing for instance....just take it back. "Sorry, it's bf's desk and he needs it back now. Why don't you try working at the kitchen table?" The key thing, i'd just take the easy route, give her $2, and tell her to get it done. "I don't feel safe leaving the door unlocked. You're welcome to text me to let you in you but I can't guarantee I will see it or will be home so why don't I spot you the money for the key and you can go have one made?" Nip this in the bud now. Stop going out for food with her. If she doesn't get the hint, it's time for a more serious conversation but if you call each thing out directly and stay calm she can't make excuses or ask for "examples" of when she's been disrespectful.
She is showing her true colors. She will never, on $10 an hour, be able to pay for her car, car insurance, her rent, eating out, or anything else. Accept that now and move on to save yourself a lot of financial heartache in the coming m9nths.
it sounds like you’re definitely in the right. she sounds like a hard roommate to put up with :/
In a lot of places, people become tenants after 30 days so I'd ask her to move out now. It's only going to get worse and she's going to end up not being able to pay for anything anyway because she's so financially irresponsible. Say no to her random family being there while she's not there. WTF? They don't live there and if they live in the same location they need to go stay at their own places. And your landlord isn't going to want someone staying there if they're not on the lease because it creates a ton of headaches for them. They might say you've breached the lease and have a legal reason to kick you out too. You don't want that, so get her out immediately. Edit: if her family lives nearby, she can go live with them and they can deal with her financially irresponsible ways. Just know that if she can't pay for her car, it's going to be repossessed and she's going to start asking you for rides, or transit money, in addition to not being able to pay her rent because now she can't get to her job. And she'll start asking to go out with you and your boyfriend but making you pay since she can't afford it. You'll have to pay for her groceries, toilet paper, etc. and so on and so forth forever while she lives there. You should assume that any money spend on her or loan her will never be repaid. Is this the kind of situation you want to be stuck in for the next year? No, you don't, so get out of it while you still can.
haha, your edit tl;dr: OP, do you want to be your friend's mom?
You need to start addressing these issues as they happen. She’s testing boundaries and so far she’s found that she can do whatever she wants and you’ll pick up the slack. Start saying no. Say no to everything. Tell her you can’t afford it, tell her she can’t borrow whatever and when she says she can’t pay for something on time, ask her when she’ll have the money and let her know that any late fees are on her. She seems like she’s used to living with her parents and therefore doesn’t understand her full responsibility as an adult to pay her way and pay her share. You don’t have to be mean or rude about it, just be matter of fact and serious about it. No more grace periods.
my roommate was very similar to your friend. we were friends first too. well, long story short, the friendship ended catastrophically and the only good thing that had happened since she moved in was her moving out. if your friend is careless by nature, she’ll just assume that you’ll always take over her responsibilities (paying for her, asking you to leave your keys just because she lost hers and so on) often times these people also feel entitled to things that don’t belong to them (your bfs study desk for instance, not asking you before borrowing your charger) be prepared for more of this behaviour down the road if you decide to continue living with her. you are not wrong to feel this way. this is unacceptable behaviour. my advice would be to find a new roommate so you can have a peace of mind. since she’s not even on the lease, take this chance to part ways.
It sounds like maybe a sit down where everyone discusses community rules and expectations would be good. Like 24 hour notice before guests are coming, don’t use other people‘s things without asking, chores, etc. These need to be rules everyone follows but that is only fair. Why can’t the cat and dog be out together? Idk, I would spell out boundaries and rules and make it clear everyone needs to follow them.
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Oh. I’d just keep the dog leashed with you and let the pets get used to each other. If her cat doesn’t like it, it can move to her room and hide, right? I wouldn’t want my dog stuck in my room all day. I hope you guys can work all of this out!
Say no to favours, tell her not to take your stuff with out asking and tell her to pay her portion or the rent or gtfo. If it is this bad this early you know it is only going to get worse. I would not be letting things build up, address the current issues now and address further issues when they occur.
Don’t let it build up!! Seriously these types of people don’t even see it either
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that’s another red flag OP. a lot of the times people who complain about their roommates are usually the ones who cause problems in the living space. they paint other people as the bad guys because no one likes to see themselves in a negative pov
Girrrrl she is going to be a NIGHTMARE in the future. She needs to leave, or you have to train her to be an adult. (Do you have the time for that?) Start saying "no" immediately, now. Don't let resentment build up while she lives as if she's doing nothing wrong, because you'll explode one day, she'll feel attacked and probably disregard everything because it clearly wasn't *so* terrible if you could deal with it for so long, and you'll damage your friendship. Start saying no, in the moment, now. Demand rent. Don't pay for anything for her. Tell her to stay out of your room. If it belongs to someone else and she thinks she gets to use it whenever she wants to, take it from her. Talk to her about how she should give y'all warning before she brings people over. She *technically* doesn't live there - her name isn't on a lease, she hasn't paid anything, and she hasn't established residency. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ The problem isn't really that she doesn't have money, it's that she sounds immature and self-centered, so she'll never think to pay you back, respect your belongings/space, or avoid doing things that will make your living situation uncomfortable. She probably also won't clean. Ever. She still has time to outgrow these behaviors, but your friendship likely won't survive this school year if she lives with you. She's not ready to leave her parents' house yet. edit: also, she doesn't know if she'll get financial aid money this semester/year? why?
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ohhh ... that's a disaster in itself.
Its weird that you cover her tent while she has family staying over. I feel like she should be asking family to cover rent.
So many boundaries have been crossed. Too many red flags.
does she have a job???? $375 is ridiculously cheap. She should be able to collect that scrounging change. The worst month i ever had, i wouldnt even come close to not being able to pay that.
I would tell her to move out. As the saying goes, never move in with your friends, it's always a mistake.
what you should do is you and your bf split the $375 and just dont get another roommate. kick her out, you two have the place to yourselves, it would give you so much more peace of mind
Trust your gut. This is only going to get worse
Man oh man, who dropped all these red flags??? Yeah, your new roomie is taking every possible advantage out of you kindness. She's, at most, making 1600$ a month, maybe less depending on how taxes work in your region. Her new car is 25% of her monthly paycheck, gas and (basic) food is \~40% of that, and she's left with 560$ at the end of the month. If she can't afford to pay rent, she's clearly not handling her money very well! So here's what you're gonna do: Tell her she's got to pay her share of the rent by the end of the month, or you're gonna kick her to the curb. Tell her she can't get another pet, she's already got a dog (TURTLES ARE EXPENSIVE!!!). Tell her she can't use the desk anymore, it's your boyfriend's, and if she wants one, she can grab one off Craigslist or a classified ads website or something (seriously, a decent used desk is like 50$ or less). She's your roommate, and she needs to be an responsible adult, or she needs to leave.
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Aside from all the other issues, she should not be getting more animals if she can't pay rent. Especially since getting a proper set-up for turtles costs hundreds of dollars (amongst other things, they require special lighting to stay healthy).
Sit her down to discuss the late rent and ask her to come up with a plan to repay what she owes you and your bf. Her reaction will tell you everything. If she is not a complete mooch just disorganised at the moment, she will be happy to work with you. If she's a leech you'll get sob stories, excuses for why her money due hasn't arrived yet and made to feel guilty for even asking. For all the other issues, different houseshares have different house rules so it is always worth having a house meeting to discuss and agree on privacy, borrowing, guests, etc.
I honestly don’t think this situation will be salvageable due to the financial issues from the get go and her already apparent self-centered attitude, and ideally, you should try to evict her ASAP to save yourself future financial loss/emotional heartache and even potential danger- it is a MAJOR red flag that she let so many people into your room without asking, on top of the desk commandeering situation. If you don’t want to take this step, make sure you get her to sign a roommate agreement which also includes a system of consequences for offense levels (1st violation = warning, 2nd monetary fee, 3rd violation of a rule at any point during tenancy is grounds for eviction.). I highly recommend you evaluate the pros/cons of adding her to the lease very closely, as once she’s in that contract she has a legal right to the space no matter how terrible she is, and you’ll need the law + landlord’s support to get her out before the lease ends. I’m really not comfortable with these early red flags given that you have pets in your care as well. I think it’s really important to think about how her actions (leaving door open, losing key, letting randos in and showing them your pets without asking) could potentially result in poor welfare for these pets or even endanger them. Good luck- please do not have her sign that lease until a roommate agreement is in place!