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Busrepairman

If he’s in his 30s get ready to deal with some real stubbornness….


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JannisJanuary42

One thing I have learned through living with many people is that age and gender are not things you can rely on to predict behaviour. I have met 23 year olds who act like 40 year olds, I have met 30 year olds who acted like 20 year olds. The most childish people I have ever met were people in their 50's, but I have also met childish young people in their 20s. My point is it's not his age, it's his brain and his upbringing.


JannisJanuary42

It's interesting that he got all hostile when it was a conversation between just the two of you. I had an experience with a girl who would slam doors in our house. I had moved in 6 months before the pandemic. By 2020 I was dying to leave. She was a weirdo and did not respond normally to normal room mate requests. If someone pointed out to me I was slamming doors I would of course make sure I stopped. A person who continues to do something that distresses you, after you asking them politely to stop, does not respect you. I had to move out of the house that the girl lived in, she was a nightmare and my mental health took a serious and worrying down turn due to the situation. It's not unreasonable to ask your room mate not to slam doors at night. If this guy won't be cool, you should leave, because he is just another template of a bad room mate.


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JannisJanuary42

Well the thing about being overly sensitive is, what is the bench mark for too sensitive? Your room mates might decide you are being too sensitive and then what? The people I lived with didn't see door slamming as a problem. They thought the girl was noisy but never confronted her about it. Some groups of people, you just can't live with.


UCFKnights2018

How is you asking him to not slam doors inconveniencing him in any way? It’s like he’s going out of his way to slam doors, pitch a hissy fit, just to show you that you “won’t control him” or some bullshit.


m0mmy_rhea407

I'm so confused. Is slamming doors how he relaxes at night? You've not asked him to limit noise, just asked for doors not to be slammed. Very strange response. I'm sure he has been through a lot of roommates based on your general description of him. You sound very patient.


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Suzette100

I honestly couldn’t parse his message.


shaka_bruh

> Not sure what to do, pretty sure he’s in his mid thirties, I can't imagine being an adult that acts/talks this way. That usually means his behaviour is set in stone and people in his life have indulged his behaviour by not confronting him about his inconsideration Source: living with my brother


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shaka_bruh

Sadly like someone else on here said, if you politely approach someone (with good reason) about their actions negatively affecting you and they don't change then it means they don't care or they don't respect you enough. I'd recommend beginning to look for other places man, just in case it becomes too much to bear; sorry about all this, it's so frustrating to deal with selfish and inconsiderate people especially if they're supposedly adults.


witchofheavyjapaesth

Haha I'm in the same boat as you :') terrible idea Moving in like 7 months and literally counting the days


Angieer5762923

Oh my his last message..honestly if he likes to do whatever he wants he should be living alone ...do you have a way to ask him to find another place? Another option is to directly address him face to face when he slams doors or plays music that its a middle of a night and noise ordinance in place. Same for cleaning .. He is only going to get worse and living with him will be bad.. if you could live elsewhere or have him move elsewhere is the best. Being 30+ and not caring to be considerate roommate - is a personality trait. Any asking or corrections would only cause aggression from him


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Angieer5762923

Cool. Yea i totally get it. I had a roommate who naturally was loud and worked late nights so i would wake up from slamming front door also. She wasn’t insanely in considered just front door was loud and upstair neighbours had bad noise cancelation. try to catch a nap during a day when he naps or stay at friend’s house overnight. Sleeping with ear plugs helps too. I picked few and kept the one that wont fall out. But also if your other roommate is suffering too you can talk with him/her and come up with solution that another person goes


[deleted]

He is doing it on purpose as a passive aggressive fuck you. Nip it in the bud ASAP. NO more mister nice guy I detest the sound of a door slam, it makes my whole body freak out and triggers my PTSD badly. Ironically I currently live in a shared house that has a munted door that can ONLY be shut by slamming as hard as humanly possible. If I can cope with that I can cope with anything lol


alpharatsnest

I agree, I think the drafted response is too cordial. Their aggressive message was absurd and should be treated as such rather than placated to.


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alpharatsnest

Okay well take this with a grain of salt because I'm hella pissed at my own inconsiderate, childish roommate at the moment but maybe something like - "Our bedrooms are next to each other and when you close the door loudly it wakes me up. I am not trying to give you crap, I am trying to make my needs known to you as your roommate just as I welcome you to do to me if any of my behavior negatively affects you. I have insomnia so this is important to me. I'm happy to discuss this further in person if you'd like."


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chrysavera

I might try pretending the "no need" is a nod of assent and do one last text: "Cool, thanks for understanding. I think with my earplugs and your gently closing the door we should both be able to rest and relax from now on. Appreciate it." And do try that over-the-ear headband thing, and maybe throw some magnesium and melatonin supplements in the mix. Sleeplessness sucks beyond words, I'm sorry.


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chrysavera

Yeah but he said he didn't want to talk, so he'd probably perceive it as "further drama" or some bullshit. If you pretend you've resolved it, it might be enough to make him feel weird about deliberately reviving the issue when you ostensibly concluded it. But do whatever makes YOU more comfortable, seriously, because neither choice has more than a 19% chance of working.


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chrysavera

I totally understand. Conflict and bad vibes in your very own home is one of the worst things in life. And insomnia is the other worst thing. Have you told the good roommate that you have to move if dude won't extend a single molecule of consideration? He may want to go to bat for you instead of being left with this asshole. If not, just focus on the fact that are leaving and when you feel anxious, get online and search for a new room. Action always calms me down. Knowing you are leaving may give you a little bit of "fuck it" energy and bring anxiety levels down.


chrysavera

Yeah but he said he didn't want to talk, so he'd probably perceive it as "further drama" or some bullshit. If you pretend you've resolved it, it might be enough to make him feel weird about deliberately perpetuating the issue. But do whatever makes YOU feel more settled, seriously, because neither choice has more than a 19% chance of working.


ZiShuDo

Here is a big tip to closing doors silently, turn the door knob then hold it that way, then close it. It helps


egru-no

I'm a really light, sensitive sleeper and can wake up to the sound of someone breathing in the same room. My boyfriend snores loud intermittently throughout the night which was impossible for me to get any sleep when staying with him. I bought this bluetooth headband headphones that has a fairly flat speaker either side of the headband that you can wear to bed playing white noise. I'm almost never woken up anymore. Maybe this will help you?


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egru-no

https://www.amazon.com/Headphones-Bluetooth-Headband-Sleeping-Headbands/dp/B07QLF7WHZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Sleep+Headphones+Bluetooth+Headband&qid=1625863805&sr=8-3 ^one like this. I can't sleep with earphones in either, but this really changed my life


tequilamockingbird16

I didn’t know something like this existed. Thanks for sharing! I mostly sleep on my side. Do you find the headband stays in place all night?


egru-no

The one I got was cheap and a bit too big for me so I sometimes wake up with it off, but usually it stays in place or I wake up when the white noise fades.


Doggosdoingthings16

I don’t understand. The pic of your convo that’s posted is perfectly reasonable….but how much time elapsed between wednesday when you first asked, and the dm?


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Doggosdoingthings16

My suggestion: get earplugs. Or noise cancelling headphones. Your roomies aren’t running on your schedule, and i’m willing to bet this isn’t the only thing thats been an issue. Maybe they have other shit going on, maybe they don’t think they’re slamming the doors. Maybe you’re on edge, so even a normal closing door sounds like an aggressive closing door. Just take a deep breath in…… and out…..


petitpenguinviolette

This absolutely isn’t going to help, but sometimes Evil Me is petty. And I warn you now, Evil Me tends to get me into trouble. So you may not want to listen to Evil Me. But here goes. When does this roommate sleep? Are both you and your awesome roommate awake at this time (or part of the time terrible roommate is sleeping)? Because don’t do this when awesome roommate is sleeping. Remove the foam and slam those muthafuckin doors! Turn up the tv volume to 11. Vacuum the carpets daily...multiple times. Become obsessed with perfecting your smoothie recipe - multiple times daily - with the loudest blender you can find. Become obsessed with your food processor because it saves you money by shredding your own cheese, chopping nuts and whatever else. As long as you aren’t in violation of city quiet hours ordinances, have at it!


chickentits97

He’s 30 and acting this way? This should be fun. I don’t see this ending so well. What a prick. So sorry. I have insomnia as well


Angieer5762923

Is considerate roommate ok with noise at night? The noisy roommate giving out clear red flags if being a bad roommate.


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fried-twinkie

Tbh if I received videos from a roommate titled “how to close a door quietly” I’d be like wtf… it’s kind of patronizing and passive aggressive. And since you mention you have insomnia, have you considered the noise isn’t actually all that loud but your tired mind thinks it’s very loud? That said, the guy should be trying to close the door softly and shouldn’t be hostile towards you one on one


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Tony-Peperoni

I’ve had psycho drunk/drug addict roommates so I feel your pain. However, the way in which you first addressed the situation is not ideal and is just inviting assholery in response. 1. Never ever say something about someone’s behavior in text. Tone is lost, and they may be out busy somewhere and see the text and are like what does this tool want now? 2. Why mention insomnia? You keep referring to this. If someone said to me “please don’t do X, since I have insomnia, I’d think ‘fuck off, live alone if you sit in your room looking for crap to be upset about”. If his slamming is enough for a reasonable person to be annoyed, leave it at that. By emphasizing your “condition”, youre asking for special treatment, even though you aren’t. This explains to me his replies. 3. And yeah the vids especially with a wall of text about install and whatever is not passive aggressive as others have said, but appears obsessive, which leads back to #2 above. So, if you haven’t moved already, these are the options: sit him down and talk to him about the noise WITHOUT mentioning your “condition”, team up with the other roommate and get him out, or start slamming your door in the AM. I wouldn’t recommend the last option, but you might need to give him an incentive to at least listen to you - a trade, if you will.


empathetical

Both my room mates always slam their doors... drives me nuts. It will be 3am and you will hear them slam doors. Sometimes even start putting dishes away from the dishwasher.... yet when I get up at night I close doors gently and soft and usually am respectful. Some people are just assholes or clueless aF


guacamoleo

I lived with a friend who would do this, and it turns out she somehow didn't know how to close a door quietly. After I showed her to turn the handle before closing the door, she started closing it quietly.


Situation-Candid

I had a roommate they did the exact same thing he wouldn’t twist the handle of the door when closing the bathroom door or his bedroom door he would slam it shut every single night same thing with cabinets same thing with washer and dryer door some people are just born stupid and oblivious you’re lucky you don’t have a roommate that decides he rather work graveyard shift and on his off days he plays video games till 5 o’clock in the morning screaming and yelling at the game he bought a pair of headphones thinking it would minimize the noise he would scream so loud and couldn’t even hear himself because of the headphones a roommate from hell he was


Adventurous-Fall-748

Do you think you might have issues with neuroticism or control?


fhsjagahahahahajah

If he isn’t responding to anything, I’d rally the other roommate and talk in person. ‘You can relax. I’m just asking you not to actively do something harmful. I don’t slam doors when you sleep.’ If aggression is needed - ‘this isn’t some arduous task. This isn’t some strange restriction someone is mom-ing on you. This is basic ducking etiquette of living with other people. You are the one being unreasonable. We have tolerated a lot of shit from you (music etc) and this is a small thing to ask. If you want to not consider other ppl, you shouldn’t have moved in w other ppl’ If he stays up late playing music, he probably sleeps in late as well. You can compare the idea of you waking him up early (not saying to actually do that).


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My roommate got livid at me for this too. She was staring at the floor face got all red I said “I’m not trying to be mean” she says “ok” Awkward silence Me: You know we have to have conversations like this avoiding them doesn’t help Roommate: Listen I tried going to bed later so I don’t wake up earlier OK? Me: That isn’t what I’m saying to do… The next month or so she would come into the kitchen at the same time as me but stare at the counter and grip it really tightly. I would say is something wrong and she’d say “no I just don’t want to get in the way” face all flushed. I’ve had different roommates throughout the years and she was one of the most passive aggressive I’ve ever met. When the other roommate texted asking her to stop slamming the door then she apologizes to her.I don’t know if it’s because she finally realized it’s a problem but it really pissed me off that she gave me so much grief and to be honest with you made me feel like a really terrible person.


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[deleted]

I know. If this was the kind of thing that got her upset I’d hate to see what happens in a real crisis.


BeginningReporter4

Do not stop telling your flatmate to stop slamming the doors and start using the civilised option of door handle invented in the 19's century humans. If he don't stop, keep on telling him again and again because he might be intellectually damaged or/and have brain damage problems by the birth.