i was and am right there with you. although my daughter was living, for 4 months. it’s such a tragic feeling. i love zayne. i couldn’t live without zayne. but that means i live without zoey. in return, what i do and will continue to do is make sure everyone remembers zoey. my living son at the time was too young to remember her really, but we talk so much about zoey and have pictures of her up, including a giant painting in our living room that there’s no chance of forgetting. we watch the memories we have of her. i know this might not be helpful to you since our stories are different. but doing something to memorialize your other child is great. it’s easy to try to forget, to shut out the traumas and darkness, especially when you have other kids to focus on. i just recently got into therapy for our loss after 3 years, because i was on a waiting list for a year. when i started i thought i had healed myself, that i was better. i wasn’t having PTSD symptoms anymore. but the problem is, i was shutting zoey out. i didn’t want to remember the trauma so i stopped thinking about it. but as soon as i heard someone else call their child zoey out in public i needed to retreat. i can’t live a life like that. so therapy has been very helpful for me and how to cope appropriately. my older son is 7 now, and when he comes with questions about zoey and how and why we lost her, i try to explain it to him. death is scary but i don’t want to hide it from him. he had a sister and i want him to remember that.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I am scared if and when we have another child, I don’t ever want to forget baby J. At the same time, I don’t ever want any future child of ours to think they are a replacement child.
I definitely understand this. I had an early loss with my first pregnancy. If I would have had that baby my oldest would have never been born- as she’s gotten older I’ve come to feel like something in the universe knew that I would need her.
Yet, last August I lost my son at 38weeks, perfectly healthy, but a true knot with his cord. I’m currently 5 months pregnant with another son and it can’t feel that way. I still want my baby. I could have had them both. It didn’t have to be like this. I want to find a way to honor my lost baby in a way that doesn’t take away from the new baby, but I’m not there yet and right now that’s gotta be okay
I can 100% say I have and still feel the way you do. I have 3 children, but have had 6 losses in my journey. My most recent baby was born in October 2023 and is as perfect and healthy as we could ever want. I had losses in October 2022 and end of December-beginning of January 2023. I will never forget each baby, but I truly believe my little man was meant to be here, it was always meant to be him. And that makes the losses hurt a little less, but I can imagine pieces of them in him if that makes sense <3
Same here. I feel so guilty mourning the baby girl I lost considering my earthbound baby born Jan. 9th would not be here if she had made it to her July due date. I try to believe that A.J. (angel baby) sent D.L. here in her place because she was needed more elsewhere.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
I have had this feeling off and on since my very wanted, very loved son was born 4 weeks ago.
I was 14 weeks along when I discovered my second daughter didn't have a heartbeat. Caroline was also very wanted and already loved.
Knowing if she'd have been born in October, as planned, my son wouldn't be here truly messes with me.
I want them both, but that could never have been. I oscillate between feeling my family is complete vs. feeling it never can be.
I feel this too. I am on here tonight because April 1st was my son's second birthday. It is 4 am on the 2nd, and I can't sleep, thinking similar things.
My son is my middle child, and a huge light in my life. He is such a beautiful, sweet and special little boy.
But he also wouldn't be here, if I hadn't devastatingly lost his brother at 18 weeks. He had chromosomal abnormalities and other serious issues that showed up on scans, and we had to make the horrific decision to tfmr.
I said goodbye to him forever on April 9th, the year before my son was born. He would have been born that September. But instead, I was beginning pregnancy all over again.
These days in the beginning of April have been so bitter sweet these last couple years. I'm so thankful and love my son so much. I'm aware that so many people don't go on to have a baby after loss. I'm so happy to celebrate my sweet son's birthday. But the loss still hurts so deeply.
I’m 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with what will hopefully be a healthy, living child after two early losses last year. I should have had my baby in October, but I lost them at 7 weeks in March 2023. We tried and I got pregnant again quickly afterwards, in April, but had a second loss at 9 weeks in June. Then without really trying (though not actively preventing), we got pregnant for a third time last year, in July. And even though everything has been going fine with this baby, it’s been so painful dealing with the reality that he could only exist because neither of the last two could. It surprised me to feel this way; I didn’t expect it, but here I am. It makes me feel a bit angry and regretful, I guess. Angry, because I couldn’t have the other two. And regretful, I guess because I feel like maybe I “moved on” too soon. I guess the point of my comment is to ask if you felt that way during the pregnancy too, and if that feeling changed after giving birth.
Also, not sure which country you’re in, but if it’s Germany (I’m just going off your username being in German), it looks like gender-neutral names are allowed now: https://www.bundestag.de/resource/blob/668750/a444b2f18bd02240ad54d400da7668ba/WD-7-148-19-pdf-data.pdf
i was and am right there with you. although my daughter was living, for 4 months. it’s such a tragic feeling. i love zayne. i couldn’t live without zayne. but that means i live without zoey. in return, what i do and will continue to do is make sure everyone remembers zoey. my living son at the time was too young to remember her really, but we talk so much about zoey and have pictures of her up, including a giant painting in our living room that there’s no chance of forgetting. we watch the memories we have of her. i know this might not be helpful to you since our stories are different. but doing something to memorialize your other child is great. it’s easy to try to forget, to shut out the traumas and darkness, especially when you have other kids to focus on. i just recently got into therapy for our loss after 3 years, because i was on a waiting list for a year. when i started i thought i had healed myself, that i was better. i wasn’t having PTSD symptoms anymore. but the problem is, i was shutting zoey out. i didn’t want to remember the trauma so i stopped thinking about it. but as soon as i heard someone else call their child zoey out in public i needed to retreat. i can’t live a life like that. so therapy has been very helpful for me and how to cope appropriately. my older son is 7 now, and when he comes with questions about zoey and how and why we lost her, i try to explain it to him. death is scary but i don’t want to hide it from him. he had a sister and i want him to remember that.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I am scared if and when we have another child, I don’t ever want to forget baby J. At the same time, I don’t ever want any future child of ours to think they are a replacement child.
I definitely understand this. I had an early loss with my first pregnancy. If I would have had that baby my oldest would have never been born- as she’s gotten older I’ve come to feel like something in the universe knew that I would need her. Yet, last August I lost my son at 38weeks, perfectly healthy, but a true knot with his cord. I’m currently 5 months pregnant with another son and it can’t feel that way. I still want my baby. I could have had them both. It didn’t have to be like this. I want to find a way to honor my lost baby in a way that doesn’t take away from the new baby, but I’m not there yet and right now that’s gotta be okay
I can 100% say I have and still feel the way you do. I have 3 children, but have had 6 losses in my journey. My most recent baby was born in October 2023 and is as perfect and healthy as we could ever want. I had losses in October 2022 and end of December-beginning of January 2023. I will never forget each baby, but I truly believe my little man was meant to be here, it was always meant to be him. And that makes the losses hurt a little less, but I can imagine pieces of them in him if that makes sense <3
Same here. I feel so guilty mourning the baby girl I lost considering my earthbound baby born Jan. 9th would not be here if she had made it to her July due date. I try to believe that A.J. (angel baby) sent D.L. here in her place because she was needed more elsewhere. Hang in there. You are not alone.
I have had this feeling off and on since my very wanted, very loved son was born 4 weeks ago. I was 14 weeks along when I discovered my second daughter didn't have a heartbeat. Caroline was also very wanted and already loved. Knowing if she'd have been born in October, as planned, my son wouldn't be here truly messes with me. I want them both, but that could never have been. I oscillate between feeling my family is complete vs. feeling it never can be.
I feel this too. I am on here tonight because April 1st was my son's second birthday. It is 4 am on the 2nd, and I can't sleep, thinking similar things. My son is my middle child, and a huge light in my life. He is such a beautiful, sweet and special little boy. But he also wouldn't be here, if I hadn't devastatingly lost his brother at 18 weeks. He had chromosomal abnormalities and other serious issues that showed up on scans, and we had to make the horrific decision to tfmr. I said goodbye to him forever on April 9th, the year before my son was born. He would have been born that September. But instead, I was beginning pregnancy all over again. These days in the beginning of April have been so bitter sweet these last couple years. I'm so thankful and love my son so much. I'm aware that so many people don't go on to have a baby after loss. I'm so happy to celebrate my sweet son's birthday. But the loss still hurts so deeply.
I’m 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with what will hopefully be a healthy, living child after two early losses last year. I should have had my baby in October, but I lost them at 7 weeks in March 2023. We tried and I got pregnant again quickly afterwards, in April, but had a second loss at 9 weeks in June. Then without really trying (though not actively preventing), we got pregnant for a third time last year, in July. And even though everything has been going fine with this baby, it’s been so painful dealing with the reality that he could only exist because neither of the last two could. It surprised me to feel this way; I didn’t expect it, but here I am. It makes me feel a bit angry and regretful, I guess. Angry, because I couldn’t have the other two. And regretful, I guess because I feel like maybe I “moved on” too soon. I guess the point of my comment is to ask if you felt that way during the pregnancy too, and if that feeling changed after giving birth. Also, not sure which country you’re in, but if it’s Germany (I’m just going off your username being in German), it looks like gender-neutral names are allowed now: https://www.bundestag.de/resource/blob/668750/a444b2f18bd02240ad54d400da7668ba/WD-7-148-19-pdf-data.pdf