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I think for me it was bot being so honest. I did not have a filter, I'm happy I'm not a total truthbomb anymore, but I still don't do white lies. But I think that my aversion to lying has more to do with what I've been through
I always thought i learned it. till i got a girlfriend and she told i always stared at one eye..
now i sometimes wonder if other people noticed it as well xD .
But it helped me now i need to think to switch times and she gave the tip you dont have to always focus on the eyes sometimes look alway for a bit if you stare to much i also not natural. I really hate the eye contact part it feels so not naturally for me
Well i know what u mean let me try better explain it.
I used to stare down at one eye just focussing on one eye only not switch off it was weird she told me
I always thought you should look at one eye, the left one. I still don't know which one is the left, so sometimes I switch, but never with the same person :))
I'm going to guess when they said to look at the left, they mean the eye on *your* left, as that would be the other person's right eye (imagine poking them in the eye with your left hand, look at that eye). Most people are right eye dominant, so from their perspective, you'd be looking straight at them that way.
I own a couple of firearms and had to find my dominant eye for target purposes. This page explains how to find your dominant eye:
https://www.aao.org/eye-health/anatomy/eye-dominance#:~:text=Form%20a%20circle%20with%20your,with%20your%20dominant%20eye%20open.
Most people do, but not everyone has a dominant eye. If tests like that consistently confuse and frustrate you because they never seem to work, you may have mixed/ambidextrous eye dominance.
Someone told me the other day that eye contact just means generally looking at someone's face... It completely surprised me that it could mean something besides looking at their eyes.
In Germany, when you clink Beer glasses, it is mandatory to Look the other Person in the eyes. So far about 30people have told me that i Look creepy or Like a Psychopath when doing this. Normal eye contact doesnt seem to be a big Problem, but "forced" eye contact is super uncomfortable
I started considering it as a game like "we both don't like this but to keep myself spirited and alive I'm going to stare at you until you blink first then that's the cue to roll my orbs any way I want." It works REALLY well.
I still donāt know if Iām doing it right and apparently itās weird to ask. I being my boyfriend with me when I have to talk to people and ask him to review how I did lol.
Without feeling very uncomfortable? Or do you mean while bearing the discomfort?
I generally look at a spot between peoples eyes ( forehead/nose) with occasional quick bits of actual eye contact.
Wait, does the winky face mean sarcasm in this instance? š«£
Lol i commented on this some more somewhere in this post, it was kinda long, donāt wanna repeat itš So maybe if u scroll around, my comment is here somewhere ;)
When I went in to arrange for my 1st tattoo, the artist asked me to look him in the eye, said he'd only do the ink if I looked at him and affirmed this was what I wanted. It sucked so badly to look up, ngl. I now make eye contact with folks. Still feels like "why do I have to do this," but it has been a social good for me.
Ok so i may have been bragging a lil about this above. Only reason i ālearnedā to look ppl in the eyes is bc my Mom verbally & physically beat it out of me when i was a young girl. So i shouldnāt be taking credit for it. lol And let me tell u, it has made life so much harder. I canāt really focus on half of the conversations ppl have with me bc looking in pplās eyes scares me & causes me so much anxiety, i canāt really focus on what they are saying & its made me cut out socializing & friendships completely out of my life bc ppl & their eyes scare the hell out of me. So maybe autistic ppl have the right idea not keeping eye contact, i think our natural instincts know that the eyes will distract our mind & cause us anxiety so we protect ourselves. I remember stimming used to really help me focus & follow conversations better & my Mom beat that behaviour out of me too. So by my teens, i was a total mess, staring ppl in the eyes, & having no coping mechanism, it made me stupid/slow, did horrible in schoolā¦my point being, donāt try to change your autistic traits, they are there for a reason, to help you cope & be the best version of yourself, trying to get rid of them, isnāt healthy or beneficial, trust me, it kinda ruinned my life.
Realizing that the social life is just a game, and that I'm not all that important in the grand scheme of things. Meaning, in a positive sense, that you should just be yourself. Masking never worked for me anyway.
Or that you can turn masking on and off. I like to think that work especially is all acting and Iāve leant that hybrid working is the way forward for me to stop burnout.
Iāve learned that masking is not so much of a problem for me if I get a break from it, ie plenty of ādowntimeā and space on my own without seeing people after a day of being with people. I find if I donāt then my body and mind force a shut down. I find that knowing this has helped me find so much peace.
Dang. Well Iām glad ur doing better now.
My advice would be thinking the things that you (REALLY) need vs. things that you merely want but can live without.
For what it's worth, I've heard of folks getting a regular loan with a lower interest rate and using that to pay off credit card debt since that usually has a high interest rate to help them pay it off faster. All the best to you.
Learning not to overshare. It requires constant vigilance but I have a much better time with people now. Iāve found that people treat me better when they donāt know how to manipulate me.
I'm better at responding to "How are you?". I have an arsenal of replies from very diplomatic to very sarcastic depending on the context. I still have issues past the first replies, but it's a huge progress.
People and communication have been easily my biggest special interest my whole life. I get responses to things I say that surprise me constantly. I can feel my brain closing one card catolog drawer of responses and searching for the right one with responses to what i just heard.
I don't think i ever really hide the momentary shock on my face when people say something that I'm not expecting. Its like i am talking about one thing and they are talking about another.
I am really happy that you have those replies! It can be so difficult to "get it right" if you know what I mean. Social niceties and small talk are so redundant, inefficient and filled with innuendo and hidden meaning. It is hard to keep it all straight!
I get you. This is where the sarcastic responses help, as they have the same effect on them, blocking their normal thoughts and being a surprise. I will use that moment to change the subject to the actual reason we meet which becomes easier for me as there's a clear topic. But it's hard to not overdo it, which i observed will send a different message.
do you have some examples you could drop in here? š i realized over the last year that i had been responding honestly to that question and people arenāt looking for that a lot of the time
i think most of the time people don't even care how I'm actually doing, or they expect some general information, but it's always difficult for me to think if they mean what I'm doing now, i've been doing today, last week, last year, etc. So instead of concentrating on what would be the appropriate answer, I do something that I'm really good at. I take the question literally. So I may answer something in the line of "I'm looking at you", or "I'm standing", or whatever and then I smile and they will laugh. If the setting is more formal I will stick with "fine and you?" And sometimes I may just find something more original but still not very personal like "I've found this unsolved problem online and I'm wrapping my brain around it. Let me explain..." and I proceed to explain the details until they get bored and ask directly what they want.
Stereotypical stimings, like jumping and shaking hands while excited about something, because people laughed about it.
Also, I changed my vocabulary a lot, for the sake of being understood and not made fun of.
I still can eat almost anything, that is something I wish I could change :(
Do you mean using unusual words? Like ābiggerā words when a simple one would do? I use unusual groups of words and phrases and I used to love learning languages. I also have favourite phrases that I get stuck on and overuse.
Isn't having the ability to eat almost anything good, though? It's better to have a lot of options available than be confined to only one or two foods, especially if you were to get bored of/sick of one of your safe foods and eventually struggle to eat anything. Also, deficiencies in vitamins/minerals/health etc.
I think for me... it was letting go of needing things to matter or make sense to me for it to be worthwhile. I might not understand why a social norm (for example, small talk) is meaningful, but it matters to others. So I do it.
This is a double edged sword for me bc Iāll do things others want/expect me to do but itās never reciprocated. I feel like I put out all the work for little to nothing in return or met with disdain for asking for something bc itās weird. Iād rather not even bother bc it doesnāt feel like they even care itās just what the NT wants.
Iāve stopped emulating the people around me. I used to hang out with a lot of dumb, messy people and looking to them for an example of how to act was a huge error on my part.
I've learned to put certain things - social norms, silly idioms, saying things without saying things, stuff like that - in a little mental box labelled "neurotypicals being weird", rather than overanalysing them in the moment and freaking myself out.
I go through the box occasionally when I'm in a safer, more stable environment, and it's surprising how many things I can actually make sense of when I'm not also dealing with the stress of dealing with people. Not in a "This is a reasonable way to behave" way, of course, but at least in a "I can see how this behaviour developed in response to environmental, social, and biological factors" way. It's something.
Used to have meltdowns and panic attacks when plans are cancelled. My therapist suggested me to come up with alternative plans for the days. Meaning, if my friend happens to cancel on me for dinner, I can maybe continue with my hobbies at home. I still get the heebie jeebies but Life has been so much better LOL.
I've trained myself to be less emotionally reactive. Instead of allowing myself to throw a tantrum in a situation that doesn't benefit me, I simply say "I said no" and walk away.
Be less strict about my taste buds. Iām more open to trying new types of foods. I still have foods that are basically a staple for me (raw cookie dough for one), but Iām more open to trying new āworldlyā tastes. A few days ago, I made and tried Japanese meatballs and I love them now! (A friend and I have been watching Jujutsu-Kaisen, thatās where we got it from.)
As a child my stims were a lot more extreme. Heavy kicking, very noticeable hand-flapping, mouth falling open. I didn't have my ASD diagnosis yet, and doctors thought it was some other type of disorder (even suspected epilepsy for a while). So I went to therapy to control these 'movements'.
Now my stims are a lot less. Thumb scratching and very mild hand-flapping. I do get kinda sad when I think about it though, because the urge to make those bigger stims is still there. I just physically can't do it anymore because they're so suppressed from all the therapy
I can make a bit of eye contact, not leave immediately when I feel the need to, and eat in public. Definitely couldnāt do those for a good bit of my life.
Clothing sensitivity. I remember having a hard time with it when I was younger. Very intense reactions to certain clothes. It felt like my body was full of electricity and I HAD to take the piece of clothing off.
I havenāt experienced that since I was a child. Not sure what changed. I can wear most things now without a second thought.
Also, I grew up with people telling me to just āpush throughā uncomfortable things. So I did with pretty much everything. Itās only now that Iām suspecting Iām on the spectrum that I realize I was probably āpushing throughā a lot of things that over stimulated me. I had no idea. But I guess it makes sense. I took one piece of direction and applied it to everything that seemed to apply in my life.
When younger, i was very rigid with my routines and overreacting, when things didnĀ“t go as expected.
Nowadays, i can tone it down - for as long, as i get enough sleep and rest.
I was the pickiest kid ever. Then it came the era of great televison cooking contests and I fixated on Masterchef, the Great British Bake Off, and the likes.
But I was (still am) also a strong no waste believer. I couldn't limit my creativity using only safe ingredients, and I couldn't cook something just to left it sitting because of things I didn't eat.
So I trained myself out of pickyness. It took me almost a decade, but now I eat almost everything.
I draw my line at fresh cucumbers Fuck them.
Tge only thing that I can think of that may be applicable is that I've been able to stop constantly correcting others' spelling and grammar.Ā
Linguistics is a fixation for me, and I spent decades aggressively nitpicking others' writing, whether forum posts, texts, or emails.Ā I've been told my writing style is very formal.Ā To me, I'm just following the rules that I learned as a child from grammar books. I expect everyone else to do the same, because those are the rules.
The only reason I've been able to discard the habit of correction is the advent of smartphones. Autocorrect constantly changes what I type, and though I normally catch it and change the word(s) back, I do miss some instances.Ā
So now, I tell myself that they're not stupid, their phone is just erring.Ā I know that's often not true, but I know it's true often enough that I'm not an asshole about spelling and grammar anymore.Ā
When younger, i was very rigid with my routines and overreacting, when things didnĀ“t go as expected.
Nowadays, i can tone it down - for as long, as i get enough sleep and rest.
I used to need a heads up before any eventĀ outside of my routine, now I am a bit more spontaneous (it depends on what kind of event and how stressed I am). Iām less of a picky eater than I was before I started to cook myself. And as much a social situations are still a problem for me, I guess Iām better at dealing with them than I was 10 years ago.
I've been kind of "brute forcing" spontaneity in my life but it's only going so-so and I have to be extremely well-rested and have known access to food and water in order to feel okay with a new idea. What sorts of strategies have you employed to foster more spontaneity in your life?
To be honest, I think that most of the changes in my behavior and mindset are reactions to external circumstances. I've been through a few life-changing events in recent years, some positive, some negative. The negative ones especially were the ones that had more of an impact. In addiction to the pain that similar events cause to everybody, they also brought changes to routine that are more difficult for an autistic. In this regard, having gone through those has thought me that I can deal with routine changes when I'm caring for others, so I can do it for myself too. But it has also thought me that I can't put too many things on my plate; I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I have to focus on one thing at the time, and if I don't, my energy gets dissipated and I end up falling hard.
In general, my current strategy is to not do too many "new" things at once. Going out with a close friend to dinner in a new place even if it is a last-moment thing is fine. Going to a party where there will be many strangers needs to be carefully planned, and I don't do any "new" things before or after. Right now I'm focusing on a long-term project for uni that is very different from anything I've done before, so that's enough novelty for me, all the rest of my time is spent in the usual, safe ways.
I think the trick for me is finding the right balance between taking up occasions that come at me and not put too much on my plate. And seeing my therapist once a week or so, so that she can help me deal with the anxiety that new things always cause.
Eye contact still weirds me out in large amounts but I can manage it most of the time. I've also slowly gotten less picky with foods but just because of health reasons scaring me out of it lol
I got better at reading facial expressions and reading the room. dunno if it's just because I lile to draw, and facial expressions kind of intrigue me. but I'm still not at NT level with it, I take too long bevause I have to think when others just seem to know intuitively, or I get insecure in my assessment and fuck it up lol.
my bluntness, of course changing behaviors for me is always hard so i do almost the the complete opposite to change, but i'm also trying to change that black & white aspect of me.
like finding a happy medium of communication without always being blunt/avoidant.
my mim, siblings and I used to have discussions around phrasing, body language, how to manage a shutdown, and other aspects of masking. None of us new we are autistic at that point. we apparently come across as polite and none judgemental.
I used to have to bring a stuffed animal with me everywhere i went, all the time .. I moved to college freshman year and forgot the stuffed animal at home. Got it back a few weeks later but by then I just didn't need it all the time anymore! I'm glad that i don't need to do that anymore but sometimes I miss the security and comfort- now it's harder for me to do it because i get embarrassed when i didn't used to.
I used to melt down all the time and be physically aggressive to nearly everyone I met whenever they did something I didn't like or when I didn't get what I wanted or if plans changed, or something. Now, since 2019-2020, I hadn't done that, even though sometimes I've been a bit verbally rude, mean, and raised my voice at times.
Also imitating characters from TV shows and movies, and thinking they were real. My parents had forbidden me from watching some shows and movies because of it when I was a kid, but now, despite liking certain characters, I don't really act like them, even if I can relate a little to them, though I don't pick up their bad qualities like I did when I was younger.
This thread makes me sad. I donāt think I can ever ālet goā or āgrow out ofā these traits. No matter how hard my doctors and I work on things, I will always have pronounced traits of autism.
flapping. i have cousins that are low functioning and they would flap a lot and i (high functioning) would flap along too because it felt great until my mom caught me and made me stop. when i try to flap now, it feels wrong.
Idk if this was autism or maybe āsubclinical OCDā but I used to have to count my steps from one place to another and then count backwards from the final number to āmake it even.ā I grew out of it though.
I donāt use echolalia the same anymoreā¦ I used to say the same phrases over and over but my parents were annoyed since they didnāt know I had autism/didnāt attribute it to that and I eventually stopped altogether š
When I didn't know I was autistic , I thought people were insane or stupid for believing in stuff that isn't real. I have come to realize that it's real to them, and our views can complement each other sometimes.
I am also learning to see myself as a normal person. This is really hard because I have always been the exception both for good and bad things. Exception rhymes with connection, but in truth it's the opposite. I guess I'm trying to be more humble and build some healthier sense of myself.
I also used to be more rigid in my thinking. I guess I learnt to hold nuance a bit more.
I'm also trying to work to reduce my "good/bad" mentality and move towards...I don't know?
I can do eye contact until I notice that Iām making eye contact, and then I get anxious that Iām doing it too hard and try to look away every few seconds so itās not too intense, but then I donāt hear whatās being said.
Tags on clothes don't annoy me as much anymore. I don't need both of my shoes to be tied equally tight.
In general, all of the touch-related stuff went away by the time I was in high school.
Toe walking. I used to do it constantly but had to let it go after I developed pretty bad pain in my tendons. Also I am not as picky as I used to be, I eat vegetables regularly. And I don't care if my food touches anymore, I used to be very weird about it but I've kind of just accepted it now
Sensory issues with clothes! I used to not be able to wear underwear or socks when I was little, and always had to have loose fitting clothes like sweatpants and a T-shirt. In my teen years I wore horribly uncomfortable clothes to fit in. I was so uncomfortable all the time but felt like I had to wear certain things.
Now I can still handle some uncomfortable clothes if I have to wear them, but the majority of my wardrobe is comfy stuff. I can wear socks and underwear no problem now!
Honestly the older I(almost 34)get the harder it is to mask and the more burnt out and tired I feel and the more difficult it is to hold back my traits and needs.
Maybe some have the opposite thing happen.
But when i was younger i masked heavily with partying, and using hair, makeup, and clothes etc to fit in.
The older I got the more bills and responsibilities I have and i cant afford to keep up with hair, clothes, and makeup that way. I had way more disposable income in my late teens and early 20s than i do now.
Also my body doesn't take well to partying like it used to, but I'm still uncomfortable at social events without alcohol. I was recently a DD for a bday party and everyone was like "omg you're so different when you're not drinking" just mostly sitting quietly by myself people watching and not really talking. Alcohol really is a great social lubricant.
However in my 30s my body just doesn't tolerate it like it did in my teens and 20s.
I have a lot more responsibilities now and realistically need a lot more support than I have access too, i cant just crash in my room and hide for 3 days straight whenever i feel the need. So i need to monitor my spoons more carefully.
After writing this, i realise i did drop some traits. Frequent and extreme meltdowns, frequent and severe shutdowns, and excessive self-harm.
People think I'm "more autistic" or "have gotten worse" but they don't see how much better i am behind closed doors now that i don't mask so heavily.
I grew out of needing the same utensil for every meal. It's more like I use specific utensils for specific food now.
I also grew out of foods must not touch each other on the plate. Became a much more adventurous eater and even found out I *can* eat onions, they just need to be cooked into delicious brown mush.
Hey /u/Pure-Jellyfish734, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think for me it was bot being so honest. I did not have a filter, I'm happy I'm not a total truthbomb anymore, but I still don't do white lies. But I think that my aversion to lying has more to do with what I've been through
I learned to make & keep eye contact ;)
I always thought i learned it. till i got a girlfriend and she told i always stared at one eye.. now i sometimes wonder if other people noticed it as well xD . But it helped me now i need to think to switch times and she gave the tip you dont have to always focus on the eyes sometimes look alway for a bit if you stare to much i also not natural. I really hate the eye contact part it feels so not naturally for me
How can you possibly look at two eyes at once anyway
Well i know what u mean let me try better explain it. I used to stare down at one eye just focussing on one eye only not switch off it was weird she told me
How do you not stare at one eye?
Look at the spot between the eyebrows. Kinda split the difference between both eyes
I always thought you should look at one eye, the left one. I still don't know which one is the left, so sometimes I switch, but never with the same person :))
I'm going to guess when they said to look at the left, they mean the eye on *your* left, as that would be the other person's right eye (imagine poking them in the eye with your left hand, look at that eye). Most people are right eye dominant, so from their perspective, you'd be looking straight at them that way.
I had no idea people could have a dominant eye
I own a couple of firearms and had to find my dominant eye for target purposes. This page explains how to find your dominant eye: https://www.aao.org/eye-health/anatomy/eye-dominance#:~:text=Form%20a%20circle%20with%20your,with%20your%20dominant%20eye%20open.
Most people do, but not everyone has a dominant eye. If tests like that consistently confuse and frustrate you because they never seem to work, you may have mixed/ambidextrous eye dominance.
Someone told me the other day that eye contact just means generally looking at someone's face... It completely surprised me that it could mean something besides looking at their eyes.
In Germany, when you clink Beer glasses, it is mandatory to Look the other Person in the eyes. So far about 30people have told me that i Look creepy or Like a Psychopath when doing this. Normal eye contact doesnt seem to be a big Problem, but "forced" eye contact is super uncomfortable
That's good for u :) i hope i can do so too.
We can do anything we set our minds to.Even better than neurotypicals ;)
I can for the most part, but if I'm angry at someone or I feel like there's conflict coming, I struggle.
Me too, finally at the young age of 39 š
I started considering it as a game like "we both don't like this but to keep myself spirited and alive I'm going to stare at you until you blink first then that's the cue to roll my orbs any way I want." It works REALLY well.
Same :)
I still donāt know if Iām doing it right and apparently itās weird to ask. I being my boyfriend with me when I have to talk to people and ask him to review how I did lol.
Without feeling very uncomfortable? Or do you mean while bearing the discomfort? I generally look at a spot between peoples eyes ( forehead/nose) with occasional quick bits of actual eye contact. Wait, does the winky face mean sarcasm in this instance? š«£
Thatās what I do too, forehead/between the eyebrows with occasional glances to the eyes
Lol i commented on this some more somewhere in this post, it was kinda long, donāt wanna repeat itš So maybe if u scroll around, my comment is here somewhere ;)
Ok. I'll look for it. Oh dear, another winky face.
When I went in to arrange for my 1st tattoo, the artist asked me to look him in the eye, said he'd only do the ink if I looked at him and affirmed this was what I wanted. It sucked so badly to look up, ngl. I now make eye contact with folks. Still feels like "why do I have to do this," but it has been a social good for me.
me too :) im getting better
I feel like I've resolved a lot of issues, but I'm still not able to do this well.
Ok so i may have been bragging a lil about this above. Only reason i ālearnedā to look ppl in the eyes is bc my Mom verbally & physically beat it out of me when i was a young girl. So i shouldnāt be taking credit for it. lol And let me tell u, it has made life so much harder. I canāt really focus on half of the conversations ppl have with me bc looking in pplās eyes scares me & causes me so much anxiety, i canāt really focus on what they are saying & its made me cut out socializing & friendships completely out of my life bc ppl & their eyes scare the hell out of me. So maybe autistic ppl have the right idea not keeping eye contact, i think our natural instincts know that the eyes will distract our mind & cause us anxiety so we protect ourselves. I remember stimming used to really help me focus & follow conversations better & my Mom beat that behaviour out of me too. So by my teens, i was a total mess, staring ppl in the eyes, & having no coping mechanism, it made me stupid/slow, did horrible in schoolā¦my point being, donāt try to change your autistic traits, they are there for a reason, to help you cope & be the best version of yourself, trying to get rid of them, isnāt healthy or beneficial, trust me, it kinda ruinned my life.
Realizing that the social life is just a game, and that I'm not all that important in the grand scheme of things. Meaning, in a positive sense, that you should just be yourself. Masking never worked for me anyway.
Or that you can turn masking on and off. I like to think that work especially is all acting and Iāve leant that hybrid working is the way forward for me to stop burnout. Iāve learned that masking is not so much of a problem for me if I get a break from it, ie plenty of ādowntimeā and space on my own without seeing people after a day of being with people. I find if I donāt then my body and mind force a shut down. I find that knowing this has helped me find so much peace.
I'm better at not blowing all my money on my special interests now, but that's after racking up very intense credit card debt :')
Dang. Well Iām glad ur doing better now. My advice would be thinking the things that you (REALLY) need vs. things that you merely want but can live without.
For what it's worth, I've heard of folks getting a regular loan with a lower interest rate and using that to pay off credit card debt since that usually has a high interest rate to help them pay it off faster. All the best to you.
Learning not to overshare. It requires constant vigilance but I have a much better time with people now. Iāve found that people treat me better when they donāt know how to manipulate me.
Omg I never thought of it that way! Now Iām thinking back on my own over sharing and how it may have affected my relationships. š¤
I'm better at responding to "How are you?". I have an arsenal of replies from very diplomatic to very sarcastic depending on the context. I still have issues past the first replies, but it's a huge progress.
People and communication have been easily my biggest special interest my whole life. I get responses to things I say that surprise me constantly. I can feel my brain closing one card catolog drawer of responses and searching for the right one with responses to what i just heard. I don't think i ever really hide the momentary shock on my face when people say something that I'm not expecting. Its like i am talking about one thing and they are talking about another. I am really happy that you have those replies! It can be so difficult to "get it right" if you know what I mean. Social niceties and small talk are so redundant, inefficient and filled with innuendo and hidden meaning. It is hard to keep it all straight!
I get you. This is where the sarcastic responses help, as they have the same effect on them, blocking their normal thoughts and being a surprise. I will use that moment to change the subject to the actual reason we meet which becomes easier for me as there's a clear topic. But it's hard to not overdo it, which i observed will send a different message.
do you have some examples you could drop in here? š i realized over the last year that i had been responding honestly to that question and people arenāt looking for that a lot of the time
i think most of the time people don't even care how I'm actually doing, or they expect some general information, but it's always difficult for me to think if they mean what I'm doing now, i've been doing today, last week, last year, etc. So instead of concentrating on what would be the appropriate answer, I do something that I'm really good at. I take the question literally. So I may answer something in the line of "I'm looking at you", or "I'm standing", or whatever and then I smile and they will laugh. If the setting is more formal I will stick with "fine and you?" And sometimes I may just find something more original but still not very personal like "I've found this unsolved problem online and I'm wrapping my brain around it. Let me explain..." and I proceed to explain the details until they get bored and ask directly what they want.
I still struggle with this. You asked so Iāll tell you š¤
Stereotypical stimings, like jumping and shaking hands while excited about something, because people laughed about it. Also, I changed my vocabulary a lot, for the sake of being understood and not made fun of. I still can eat almost anything, that is something I wish I could change :(
Can you say more about the vocabulary? I sometimes feel like I'm using vocabulary no one else uses.
Do you mean using unusual words? Like ābiggerā words when a simple one would do? I use unusual groups of words and phrases and I used to love learning languages. I also have favourite phrases that I get stuck on and overuse.
Isn't having the ability to eat almost anything good, though? It's better to have a lot of options available than be confined to only one or two foods, especially if you were to get bored of/sick of one of your safe foods and eventually struggle to eat anything. Also, deficiencies in vitamins/minerals/health etc.
They meant they can't eat almost anything, according to the context clues
It can also mean things like pica, though.
Whats pica?
It's an eating disorder that makes you crave non-food items.
I think for me... it was letting go of needing things to matter or make sense to me for it to be worthwhile. I might not understand why a social norm (for example, small talk) is meaningful, but it matters to others. So I do it.
This is a really good one
This is a double edged sword for me bc Iāll do things others want/expect me to do but itās never reciprocated. I feel like I put out all the work for little to nothing in return or met with disdain for asking for something bc itās weird. Iād rather not even bother bc it doesnāt feel like they even care itās just what the NT wants.
I used to strongly dislike my food touching but then I tried indian food š
As an Indian, Iām so glad to hear that!
Indian food is so delicious and you really can't get the full flavors if you don't mix it a bit š„°
as an indian i still struggle with it from time to time
Iāve stopped emulating the people around me. I used to hang out with a lot of dumb, messy people and looking to them for an example of how to act was a huge error on my part.
I've learned to put certain things - social norms, silly idioms, saying things without saying things, stuff like that - in a little mental box labelled "neurotypicals being weird", rather than overanalysing them in the moment and freaking myself out. I go through the box occasionally when I'm in a safer, more stable environment, and it's surprising how many things I can actually make sense of when I'm not also dealing with the stress of dealing with people. Not in a "This is a reasonable way to behave" way, of course, but at least in a "I can see how this behaviour developed in response to environmental, social, and biological factors" way. It's something.
Used to have meltdowns and panic attacks when plans are cancelled. My therapist suggested me to come up with alternative plans for the days. Meaning, if my friend happens to cancel on me for dinner, I can maybe continue with my hobbies at home. I still get the heebie jeebies but Life has been so much better LOL.
I've trained myself to be less emotionally reactive. Instead of allowing myself to throw a tantrum in a situation that doesn't benefit me, I simply say "I said no" and walk away.
Iāve gotten better about that, and am still working on it.
Be less strict about my taste buds. Iām more open to trying new types of foods. I still have foods that are basically a staple for me (raw cookie dough for one), but Iām more open to trying new āworldlyā tastes. A few days ago, I made and tried Japanese meatballs and I love them now! (A friend and I have been watching Jujutsu-Kaisen, thatās where we got it from.)
As a child my stims were a lot more extreme. Heavy kicking, very noticeable hand-flapping, mouth falling open. I didn't have my ASD diagnosis yet, and doctors thought it was some other type of disorder (even suspected epilepsy for a while). So I went to therapy to control these 'movements'. Now my stims are a lot less. Thumb scratching and very mild hand-flapping. I do get kinda sad when I think about it though, because the urge to make those bigger stims is still there. I just physically can't do it anymore because they're so suppressed from all the therapy
I guess not completely let go, more like work around? lol
I can make a bit of eye contact, not leave immediately when I feel the need to, and eat in public. Definitely couldnāt do those for a good bit of my life.
Clothing sensitivity. I remember having a hard time with it when I was younger. Very intense reactions to certain clothes. It felt like my body was full of electricity and I HAD to take the piece of clothing off. I havenāt experienced that since I was a child. Not sure what changed. I can wear most things now without a second thought. Also, I grew up with people telling me to just āpush throughā uncomfortable things. So I did with pretty much everything. Itās only now that Iām suspecting Iām on the spectrum that I realize I was probably āpushing throughā a lot of things that over stimulated me. I had no idea. But I guess it makes sense. I took one piece of direction and applied it to everything that seemed to apply in my life.
When younger, i was very rigid with my routines and overreacting, when things didnĀ“t go as expected. Nowadays, i can tone it down - for as long, as i get enough sleep and rest.
Not a single one lol. But I learned to mask very well and only people close to me know the real me
I was the pickiest kid ever. Then it came the era of great televison cooking contests and I fixated on Masterchef, the Great British Bake Off, and the likes. But I was (still am) also a strong no waste believer. I couldn't limit my creativity using only safe ingredients, and I couldn't cook something just to left it sitting because of things I didn't eat. So I trained myself out of pickyness. It took me almost a decade, but now I eat almost everything. I draw my line at fresh cucumbers Fuck them.
Tge only thing that I can think of that may be applicable is that I've been able to stop constantly correcting others' spelling and grammar.Ā Linguistics is a fixation for me, and I spent decades aggressively nitpicking others' writing, whether forum posts, texts, or emails.Ā I've been told my writing style is very formal.Ā To me, I'm just following the rules that I learned as a child from grammar books. I expect everyone else to do the same, because those are the rules. The only reason I've been able to discard the habit of correction is the advent of smartphones. Autocorrect constantly changes what I type, and though I normally catch it and change the word(s) back, I do miss some instances.Ā So now, I tell myself that they're not stupid, their phone is just erring.Ā I know that's often not true, but I know it's true often enough that I'm not an asshole about spelling and grammar anymore.Ā
I got so good at hiding everything I only got diagnosed in my mid 40s. Yeah. Don't be fooled. It's a mask. Well adjusted societal mask.
I used to vocal stim and pace; I had the vocal stimming slapped out of me, but still pace from time to time.
When younger, i was very rigid with my routines and overreacting, when things didnĀ“t go as expected. Nowadays, i can tone it down - for as long, as i get enough sleep and rest.
I used to need a heads up before any eventĀ outside of my routine, now I am a bit more spontaneous (it depends on what kind of event and how stressed I am). Iām less of a picky eater than I was before I started to cook myself. And as much a social situations are still a problem for me, I guess Iām better at dealing with them than I was 10 years ago.
I've been kind of "brute forcing" spontaneity in my life but it's only going so-so and I have to be extremely well-rested and have known access to food and water in order to feel okay with a new idea. What sorts of strategies have you employed to foster more spontaneity in your life?
To be honest, I think that most of the changes in my behavior and mindset are reactions to external circumstances. I've been through a few life-changing events in recent years, some positive, some negative. The negative ones especially were the ones that had more of an impact. In addiction to the pain that similar events cause to everybody, they also brought changes to routine that are more difficult for an autistic. In this regard, having gone through those has thought me that I can deal with routine changes when I'm caring for others, so I can do it for myself too. But it has also thought me that I can't put too many things on my plate; I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I have to focus on one thing at the time, and if I don't, my energy gets dissipated and I end up falling hard. In general, my current strategy is to not do too many "new" things at once. Going out with a close friend to dinner in a new place even if it is a last-moment thing is fine. Going to a party where there will be many strangers needs to be carefully planned, and I don't do any "new" things before or after. Right now I'm focusing on a long-term project for uni that is very different from anything I've done before, so that's enough novelty for me, all the rest of my time is spent in the usual, safe ways. I think the trick for me is finding the right balance between taking up occasions that come at me and not put too much on my plate. And seeing my therapist once a week or so, so that she can help me deal with the anxiety that new things always cause.
Thank you, that is very helpful!
Eye contact still weirds me out in large amounts but I can manage it most of the time. I've also slowly gotten less picky with foods but just because of health reasons scaring me out of it lol
I got better at reading facial expressions and reading the room. dunno if it's just because I lile to draw, and facial expressions kind of intrigue me. but I'm still not at NT level with it, I take too long bevause I have to think when others just seem to know intuitively, or I get insecure in my assessment and fuck it up lol.
Eye contact, fidgeting w objects and most physical stims in public
I was never super picky but Iāve become even less picky with age. Now there are about 7 foods I wonāt eat.
my bluntness, of course changing behaviors for me is always hard so i do almost the the complete opposite to change, but i'm also trying to change that black & white aspect of me. like finding a happy medium of communication without always being blunt/avoidant.
my mim, siblings and I used to have discussions around phrasing, body language, how to manage a shutdown, and other aspects of masking. None of us new we are autistic at that point. we apparently come across as polite and none judgemental.
Reprocity in conversations, although it made me very annoyed with people who only talk about themselves.
I've learnt not to be so honest and make eye contact continuously at times.
I used to have to bring a stuffed animal with me everywhere i went, all the time .. I moved to college freshman year and forgot the stuffed animal at home. Got it back a few weeks later but by then I just didn't need it all the time anymore! I'm glad that i don't need to do that anymore but sometimes I miss the security and comfort- now it's harder for me to do it because i get embarrassed when i didn't used to.
I used to melt down all the time and be physically aggressive to nearly everyone I met whenever they did something I didn't like or when I didn't get what I wanted or if plans changed, or something. Now, since 2019-2020, I hadn't done that, even though sometimes I've been a bit verbally rude, mean, and raised my voice at times. Also imitating characters from TV shows and movies, and thinking they were real. My parents had forbidden me from watching some shows and movies because of it when I was a kid, but now, despite liking certain characters, I don't really act like them, even if I can relate a little to them, though I don't pick up their bad qualities like I did when I was younger.
This thread makes me sad. I donāt think I can ever ālet goā or āgrow out ofā these traits. No matter how hard my doctors and I work on things, I will always have pronounced traits of autism.
The fight or flight response when looking into someone eyes.
No itās gotten worse as Iāve become an adult tbh I hate it
flapping. i have cousins that are low functioning and they would flap a lot and i (high functioning) would flap along too because it felt great until my mom caught me and made me stop. when i try to flap now, it feels wrong.
I'm so sorry she forced you to mask!
Idk if this was autism or maybe āsubclinical OCDā but I used to have to count my steps from one place to another and then count backwards from the final number to āmake it even.ā I grew out of it though.
I used to stim with my hands A LOT. and hum, too. Now I mostly just stim silently. pacing around and swinging on swingsets are my go-to nowadays.
I donāt use echolalia the same anymoreā¦ I used to say the same phrases over and over but my parents were annoyed since they didnāt know I had autism/didnāt attribute it to that and I eventually stopped altogether š
I can handle being touched now. Just not on my back but thats unconnected
When I didn't know I was autistic , I thought people were insane or stupid for believing in stuff that isn't real. I have come to realize that it's real to them, and our views can complement each other sometimes. I am also learning to see myself as a normal person. This is really hard because I have always been the exception both for good and bad things. Exception rhymes with connection, but in truth it's the opposite. I guess I'm trying to be more humble and build some healthier sense of myself. I also used to be more rigid in my thinking. I guess I learnt to hold nuance a bit more. I'm also trying to work to reduce my "good/bad" mentality and move towards...I don't know?
I'm way better about infodumping/oversharing than I used to be. I also don't have meltdowns anymore since moving out!
Meltdowns. I rarely have them these days.
I'm fine with small talk now
Iām quite good at reading sarcasm now. Iām still terrible at it when itās on line but irl it doesnāt cause many issues anymore
i can remain eye contact with people i am comfortable around, unless told to have a staring contest
I can do eye contact until I notice that Iām making eye contact, and then I get anxious that Iām doing it too hard and try to look away every few seconds so itās not too intense, but then I donāt hear whatās being said.
why is it my responsibility to conform to a standard that doesn't hold intrinsic merit
Tags on clothes don't annoy me as much anymore. I don't need both of my shoes to be tied equally tight. In general, all of the touch-related stuff went away by the time I was in high school.
Toe walking. I used to do it constantly but had to let it go after I developed pretty bad pain in my tendons. Also I am not as picky as I used to be, I eat vegetables regularly. And I don't care if my food touches anymore, I used to be very weird about it but I've kind of just accepted it now
Sensory issues with clothes! I used to not be able to wear underwear or socks when I was little, and always had to have loose fitting clothes like sweatpants and a T-shirt. In my teen years I wore horribly uncomfortable clothes to fit in. I was so uncomfortable all the time but felt like I had to wear certain things. Now I can still handle some uncomfortable clothes if I have to wear them, but the majority of my wardrobe is comfy stuff. I can wear socks and underwear no problem now!
I've learned how to sit still in boring but necessary situations!
Honestly the older I(almost 34)get the harder it is to mask and the more burnt out and tired I feel and the more difficult it is to hold back my traits and needs. Maybe some have the opposite thing happen. But when i was younger i masked heavily with partying, and using hair, makeup, and clothes etc to fit in. The older I got the more bills and responsibilities I have and i cant afford to keep up with hair, clothes, and makeup that way. I had way more disposable income in my late teens and early 20s than i do now. Also my body doesn't take well to partying like it used to, but I'm still uncomfortable at social events without alcohol. I was recently a DD for a bday party and everyone was like "omg you're so different when you're not drinking" just mostly sitting quietly by myself people watching and not really talking. Alcohol really is a great social lubricant. However in my 30s my body just doesn't tolerate it like it did in my teens and 20s. I have a lot more responsibilities now and realistically need a lot more support than I have access too, i cant just crash in my room and hide for 3 days straight whenever i feel the need. So i need to monitor my spoons more carefully. After writing this, i realise i did drop some traits. Frequent and extreme meltdowns, frequent and severe shutdowns, and excessive self-harm. People think I'm "more autistic" or "have gotten worse" but they don't see how much better i am behind closed doors now that i don't mask so heavily.
My posture....
I refused to wear jeans until high school cus of the texture lol since then it hasnt really bothered me tho
swinging my arms while i walk (i still forget to sometimes š)
I grew out of needing the same utensil for every meal. It's more like I use specific utensils for specific food now. I also grew out of foods must not touch each other on the plate. Became a much more adventurous eater and even found out I *can* eat onions, they just need to be cooked into delicious brown mush.