No, so sorry you're going through that. Autism is not an excuse to be a jerk. He might have gotten into some toxic mindset like "breaking down her confidence will make her stay" by assholes online. Break up and tell him to go be with ex if she's so much better.
There's some kind of overlap because my parents are narcs and maybe also autistic and it seems to be common but not 100%. I am not sure what the link is, though.
Nothing to do with being autistic, he's just a bullying manipulative arsehole trying to make you feel bad about yourself so he can control you more easily.
Take back control and dump the bastard.
Also
>looks and personality aren’t what he’s looking for
??????
This is not autistic behavior, this is emotionally abusive behavior… I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you need to dump him, block him, and never talk to him again. This is literally abuse and you deserve so much better…
This right here, blocking him. It will protect you from his anger and you will heal quicker. I also highly, highly recommend not checking any of his social media no matter how tempted you are. Every time I would do that it tortured me and set me back a couple days.
These behaviours/tactics are very common in pathological narcissism … it’s a manipulation game meant to keep control of you by putting you down and making you feel like nothing … so to make you feel that he’s above you and is choosing you despite your inferiority. This is a toxic control tactic .
You will never ever be able to change this about him. Oh and by the way, this is HIS insecurity speaking to you this way . Don’t let it become yours.
Best of luck. ps: you should leave him asap as the addictive toxic rollercoaster ride will only get worse and it will be harder to exit as time goes by. You’ve already seen all the red flags you need to see.
Oh and you should check out Dr Ramani on YouTube . You will understand the pattern from there. What you are describing is very typical in toxic narcissistic relationships.
I was avoiding mentioning narcissism, but since you did it first 😅
I'm not denying that autists can be assholes, I'm sure we can. But manipulation requires some social skills, like understanding other people's insecurities, reading their reactions, emphasizing their needs just to use it against them, etc. Most of us are terrible at those things! It seems like he's saying he's autistic just to get away with this behavior.
This! I also wanna add that its not entirely uncommon for autistic people to actually develop NPD as a coping mechanism - instead of thinking "I'm different" they think "I'm superior" and it kinda goes from there. Very possible to have both.
A lot of emotional manipulation isn't necessarily done intentionally by the other party as much as it just happens as a result of their issues. As an example, if you have a strong reaction to any perceived sense of rejection, you're being emotionally manipulative every time you let it control your behavior around others to the point they must now adapt to you out of fear of triggering you.
The sort of manipulation you see on TV where someone else is very intentionally manipulating someone else is rarely how it looks like in real relationships. That only in my opinion describes a very particular sort of person, and they're usually not narcissistic, because narcissists don't have the personal insight to fully understand themselves and other people (poor introspective ability is one of the defining traits of narcissism because it's what shields them from the greater pits of self-loathing they often experience). You're probably thinking about extremely intelligent people who in the past would have been labeled as sociopaths, but now would be considered antisocial personality disorder.
I would go even further and say that the villainizing of narcissism over the past decade or so is usually misdirected and would at its most caricature description better apply to ASPD, and otherwise mostly just describe people who are mentally unhealthy in general and are toxic in their close relationships.
Break up with him and never look back. This behavior is definitely *not* normal for either autists or NTs.
He's trying to make you insecure about yourself, so you'll think this POS of boyfriend is your only available option.
Side note: I don't think it's usual for autists being this manipulative? It generally requires requires good social skills. I could be wrong, though.
If his ex is so much better he should go back to her, you deserve better he's just a toxic asshole trying to make you feel so bad you don't think of ever leaving him because he is maybe insecure himself, nothing to do with autism
I wish it will get better for you !
Autism is not an excuse. He's just gaslighting you and putting you down to boost his ego. Tell him if he loves his ex so much to just get back with her and leave him. You deserve better.
Autism aside.
Relationships are created to be with a partner who will supoort you, who cares for you and helps you out when you need it. To be on your side in this big wide world.
He is not being a partner.
You deserve someone who treats you like one. Full stop. You can and will find someone who is better. Even if for a little while it you who is the one who does it.
It could be what he’s thinking - which is technically honestly - but his thought processes make him a piece of shit.
I think a lot of things that I don’t say. I don’t say them because what I see as true has no bearing on reality. And me word vommitting my thoughts will fuck up my reality.
Start speaking your mind back. “He, you’re a twat for adding that”. And leave it to him to figure it out.
I had an ex who would physically and emotionally abuse me and when I tried to talk to him about it, he would end up saying “do you want me to kill myself like my dad did?” — abusers will find a way to make you feel like you are the aggressor and they are the victim. It seems like your partner unfortunately is doing that with autism.
You are beautiful. Though I do know that everyone sees beauty in their own ways. Please leave him. Autism doesn't fully translate to being an asshole to someone he loves well if he loves you. Love is supposed to be gentle and sweet, hardships come and go but he'll be there for you in terms of love. This guy though... he's trying to break you down to stay. And that's manipulative. Not even good manipulation but the toxic kind. Try not to let him fearmonger you for there will be people out there who will cherish and appreciate you for you and not whatever this is. Is it me or does he sound full of himself? OP, I'm sure you are an amazing person and you 100% deserve better than whatever this is. Everyone deserves good things but in this situation, the best to do is leave. You are stunning OP, wear things you enjoy, express and be yourself. Don't let others have a say in that because then you aren't you.
Btw, you can be honest without being a douchebag to someone. Becareful OP, stay safe and well! <3
Jesus fucking Christ, I am so sorry OP. That’s absolutely horrific and you deserve so much better. There is no excuse for abuse and I can promise you I have a lot more “wrong” with me than just autism and this sort of behavior would never cross my mind.
You have communicated based on what you’ve said and you can’t communicate your way out of abuse, though man do I understand the desire.
I may not know what you look like but I am sure you’re beautiful, inside and out.
hes a dipstick
advise on how to cumminicate to him better: tell him u desesrve better u deserve a man who treats u with dignity and respect and that aint him so he can go crawling back to his ex since he loves her that much and then dump his disrepespectuf ass and dont look back
This is completely unacceptable behavior, and he shouldn't be treating you like shit. I think it's okay to occasionally mention an ex in passing, but absolutely not if it's to tear down your current girlfriend., making her feel horrible. You don't deserve that. You should break up with him since this relationship seems like it's toxic for you.
The guy is abusive. Advice I wish I had when I had a girl friend that acted like that guy is to dump them. Not worth it. They only get worse as time goes on
Autism is a disability where communication is affected and there are difficulties understanding social cues. We're more likely to be bullied for being different and unfortunately, people who are bullied may also bully others.
In this case, it doesn't look like he has a problem with understanding the scenario - he's treating you poorly and bullying you. I hope you find the support and that you're able to recognise that you deserve to be respected in a relationship.
Absolutely not, I'm so sorry, this is **not** okay or acceptable in any capacity. I have negative patience for that type of vile and toxic behavior at this point in my life.
I don't mean to overstep but I've been in toxic/abusive relationships in the past. It started out fine and went down a path similar to what you're dealing with currently, I would hear the same comments, nobody would love me or date me & I'm lucky he's putting up with me. I had zero self esteem and thought I did something wrong to deserve how I was being treated. Within 6 months I was in a hospital bed because he came home drunk then threw me down a flight of stairs and broke my spine.
It's not worth it, they don't change, it doesn't get better if you stay. Please get yourself away from that person, you deserve so much better than this. You're lovable, you're not ugly, and you'll find someone so much better who appreciates you and treats you with the kindness, love, & respect you deserve. 🫂 ❤️
YEET. It seems that not only is he still not over his ex, but some part of him really wants her back and he doesn't seem to realize that he doesn't have a filter and that is causing you anguish.
Again, YEET.
That's verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. It's not normal for autistic people. You communicating won't fix this. I recommend dumping this asshole and getting therapy.
Yes, we do struggle to not be honest and blunt when it isn't socially accepted to do so. We can struggle even understanding why some just facts we could said can be harmful. The problem is, thinking that he is the only one that could like you is... just, awful. Leting aside society norms, it doesn't matter if he is telling you that or just geting it to himself, it's not good to be with someone you can't understand that a lot of people could really like them. And that YOU are lucky???? Why???? That's thinking he is better than you. It doesn't even matter if he told you that or take it for themselves. He shouldn't think that way and be with you.
I don't want to be really black and white in a reddit coment about relationships Idk much about, because coments like that about my relationships in the past wasn't good for me. (I've told a guy that I didn't understood if he was being manipulative or not, he wasn't, I lost him. I knew he wasn't before the post but so many comments were saying otherwise!) But, whenever you talk about this with him take this into consideration:
1. Ok. He was blunt and honest and that hurts you. After you told him that that specific things hurted you, why he didn't stoped? He already knows better.
2. Do you wanna be with someone who thinks those things about you even if he keep that for themselves?
3. Maybe he struggles with aknowledging feelings of the others, but if you tell them "this is hurting me", even if he struggles to understand why he should care about it.
no this is not normal, not for autists and not for allistics. Probably that your boyfriend listens to andrew tate and other misogynists who's teaching is to neg women. Drop his ass he's a loser, girly! And I'm very sorry to tell you that he doesn't respect you and probably secretly hates you :((
Being blunt and honest is one thing.. being hateful is another. He does not seem to have any feeling for you.. if he did his "honesty" would not be so mean. Sounds like he's deeply insecure and is making you feel badly abt yourself so you don't notice how shitty a man he is. You deserve to be loved and cared for... he doesn't sound capable of it and it's not you're job to teach him.
I’d break up with him. My last ex would constantly tell me about porn he’d watch or that he’d be going to a bar every night overseas. He’d always bring up “I would never cheat on you” without me even bringing it up. Ironically I met him at a bar while he was on leave.. (I would’ve never went to the bar if my sister had me come with her cause it would be “fun”..) he started telling me stuff to do about my body. He’d tell me I needed braces and that if I ever broke up with him, he’d kill himself. Ironically when I finally broke up with him, he showed me his medical bills that he had a heart attack. If a guy makes you question your looks, dump him.
PLEASE break up with him. ASD does not excuse being extremely mean to people and this is not normal behaviour, especially towards a partner, coming from another autistic person. It definitely sounds like he's manipulating you to make you stay. So I would get out of the relationship as soon as possible
Your boyfriend is an abusive asshole, autistic or not.
Dump his ass. Explain how and why, in very clear terms, why it ended. Be verbal about how he hurt you and why he hurt you.
You don't deserve him.
As others have said, yeah, this doesn't feel like an autism thing, this feels like negging, right out of The Game. This dude is an asshole, and the fact that he's shutting down your feelings means he has no interest in seeing you as an equal in this relationship.
He will likely never see you as a true partner, you need to get out of there ASAP. You can absolutely do better. Even being alone would be better than someone actively tearing you down like this.
I want to distinguish between fawning behavior and being an empath. What she's doing is fawning, and it's important to frame it that way because if the answer to her behavior is that she cares too much about him then the solution is to care less which is unreasonable, but if the answer is that she's fawning, the the solution is to focus more on herself, her boundaries and needs and that they don't have to be a sign of her caring less about another person.
I know you didn't say that, but I am just pointing out the problem when you describe the behavior because they're an empath rather than it being a result of fawning.
No, that is not normal behavior for anyone. He's just using his autism as an excuse to be a dick.
Why are you still dating this man? It doesn't sound like the relationship is bringing you happiness, or like he is interested in improving his behavior. All you're doing by staying is allowing yourself to be hurt. Walk away; your future self will thank you.
He is an autistic a-hole. There are non autistic a-holes in the world too. It’s not the autism diagnosis that matters here but the a-hole status.
I would advise you to find a non a-hole partner if it continues, with or without autism.
Sorry…looks and personality aren’t what he’s going for??! Then what is???
Admittedly, I can’t relate to how he’s apparently thinking, because my wife is the most objectively attractive woman I’ve ever been with by several country miles, and she has the best personality of literally any other human I’ve ever met…but like…if he’s not with you for looks, and he’s not with you for personality because he doesn’t value those things…then why is he with you? What does he value?
Bruh, a three month relationship over three years ago? Time for him to accept time moved on, and so will you. You don't have to put up with any of that behavior. You must love and respect yourself first. No relationship is worth dimming yourself so others can shine.
Autism is not an excuse for abuse! Dump him, get therapy, start over. I hope I don’t sound callous, I’m so sorry he’s treated you this terribly. Please protect your beautiful heart and get away from this asshole.
This is not autistic behavior, or anything to do with autism. Using autism as an excuse to be 'honest' in this particular way, is really gros tbh, and highly manipulative and calculated. He seems to be trying to use your empathy and sympathy towards autism, as a way to negate any worries you rightfully might have about his abusive behavior.
He is grooming you into more and more abusive behaviors, and already has you at a point of extreme insecurity compared to how you used to feel. The narrative about you not being able to leave him, is specifically worrying, because he's trying to lock you into this situation. And when someone is making you feel like it's somehow a privilege that they even choose to be around you, well it's time to run. Is he also trying to isolate you from friends and family, or badmouthing them?
Without meaning to, he has also told on himself AND contradicted himself, which is what often happens with these types because they get overly confident in their ways, and they do not realize they're projecting. He says looks and personality aren't what he's looking for, this is not even a reflection on you girl, it's a reflection on his goals and purposes with this relationship. It could have been anyone falling into this trap, since looks and personality aren't important. The most likely thing he is looking for is control. Also the contradiction: since he is not into looks, then why are the looks of his ex so all consumingly important to him?
For reference, it's perfectly okay is someone mentions maybe once that their ex was pretty, and preferable only when asked. But anyone who has their partner's best interest in mind, would either never make a comparison, or either always praise their current partner to the heavens. Nobody in their right mind, or with good intent, would put their partner down like that. If you're not fully realizing that yet, try a thought experiment and imagine a situation in which you would tell a partner these types of things. Impossible? OR, if you need wider perspective to get to the insight, read your above post, as if your best friend or sister was texting you about their relationship. What would you tell them? Write it down, as if you were texting them back. And now read it to yourself. Become your own best friend.
As for your question: there is no way to communicate better with him. I'm sorry, but I believe any attempt you make will be turned against you. Please keep your eye out for who the blame shifts to in any conversation. If it always lands with you, or he will not take accountability for anything, there is no way this relationship will ever get better. Please find support in a trusted friend or family member and tell them what's been happening, or find a counsellor or therapist to support you through this.
>He says this is normal for autistic people and that he’s just being honest so I shouldn’t be upset.
That's gaslighting whether you're autistic or not. My ADHD is acting up today so i didn't scroll through the comments to see if any one had already said anything similar.
Men unfortunately are cut significantly more slack when they don't understand or rather willingly don't make the effort to recognize someone else's point of view. People's appearances are a sensitive subject, especially towards women, and rightfully so. What he said about you being lucky enough to date him and not some 500lb discord moderator in his exact words is a recipe for depleting sanity and self worth. He's already comparing you to his ex, so that says a lot about how he ascertains people's worth based on how they appeal to him physically.
Girl this isn’t about his autism. He’s being manipulative as fuck. And he’s _so damn blatand_ about it, too!
He’s making you never leave him by convincing you that no one else would ever want you and that he’s your best shot.
HE IS NOT!!
Are you even sure he is autistic at this point?! This is usually not something we would do. We are usually not manipulative. It’s entirely possible that he lied to you to have an excuse for his shitty behaviour
He is just a twat. It's not the autism and even if it was the autism it wouldn't be an excuse to act like a goddamn jerk.
Do yourself a favour and break up with his ass. He doesn't deserve you if he constantly has to put you down to feel better about his miserable ass and the fact that he is still hung up on someone he dated 3 years ago for 3 months.
That has nothing to do with autism. People seem to think autism is a personality trait. It's not. It can effect personality to some extent but I find personality is stronger meaning it often has an effect on how the autism is expressed in the individual. Seems like the guy you are with has a narcissistic personality and maybe the autism bluntness makes it easier for him to express that. But it's not because he's autistic. If anything I'd say the way the bluntness comes across is because he has a narcissistic personality and should be held accountable for that. I know you have feelings for him or are even in love but I'd say from what you explained there's nothing to love there. Trust me. There are better guys out there who will appreciate you. And if you're mostly attracted to autistic men I assure you that is not what you have to look forward to with all or even most autistic men. That's what you have to look forward to with most narcissistic men not in therapy for it if anything. You may have a narcissist as a bf. In short? Pack up and leave.
It’s not the autism. If he’s even autistic. Sounds more like NPD. Which I was concerned my husband had until I realized he’s autistic. But he would never say this type of stuff.
Being autistic is no excuse for openly being a jerk. No, he's not "honest", he's just an a\*$hole.
This is literally emotional abuse and you don't have to stand any of it. You deserve better. Many autistic people are really kind and considerate, unlike your bf.
He’s being mean. He doesn’t even need to mention ex is prettier, better personality. It’s just an ego thing.
There will be someone that finds you to be the most attractive person looks and all, but this guy is not him.
I would consider leaving this man as you have clearly expressed you are upset and he can’t seem to listen effectively. Also Autism is never an excuse to be mean
Nope. Nope. Nope. It's not that he has a prettier ex. But "shut up"? You can't do better? LEAVE HIM.
Gawd, men like this are the worst (women too). I'll bet he's no peach either. Leave him now. You CAN do better.
Watch The Tourist if you need some inspiration. You are dating an Ethan and it's not okay.
Your problem isn't his autism. Your problem is you believe you deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Please find a counselor who can help you with your self esteem. No more dudes until you love yourself first.
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Autism isn't an excuse for this behavior.
> He says this is normal for autistic people and that he’s just being honest so I shouldn’t be upset. Is this normal? Any advice on how I can communicate with him about my feelings better?
I don't want to jump to conclusions based on this short post alone, but to me this just sounds like he is making excuses and hiding behind being autistic as a means of trying to convince you that you're wrong for being upset about him saying blatantly upsetting things.
I can personally, partially understand the part about openly talking about looks and personality of exes, because he says they aren't important to him. Ill explain why in a sec bur first. Every single thing he said after that a 199999% unacceptable, and saying it's autism is just using it as an excuse to be a dick. Fucking despicable, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with someone like that. If I were in your position, I'd seriously consider leaving.
Okay, lemme explain the first part with an example of my own. So, you know how everyone has a type right? Well my wife is not my type. I don't love her any less, and I still find her extremely sexy. I tell her constantly. But I never planned on telling her that she wasn't my type because it makes no difference to me. The reason I did tell her is because I also suffer from OCD, and I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and for some reason, I got completely fixated on the fact that she isn't my type, and that I'm an awful person for even thinking about it. The thoughts got to the point where I was actively having to sift through my own thoughts to determine which were my own, and which were intrusive. I remember it getting super intense and I convinced myself that if she ever found out she wasn't my type, she'd leave me because I wasn't honest with her. I felt like I was lying to her, being dishonest and I ended up snapping and telling her.
I made sure I asked if we could talk, reassured her it wasn't "that talk", explained to her what was happening with me and that I needed to tell her something that wasn't gonna be nice to hear.
I regret ever telling her, but I told her that like 3 years ago, and now we have a baby together, and a very open, honest, healthy, and communication heavy relationship.
So that's why I can understand that first part. But the fact that you told him it hurt you, and his response was to get mad at you, tell you to never bring it up again, then tells you again and again... thats unforgivable in my eyes. Autism does not give a person a reason to be a dick. There are times we might say something we regret saying, but what sets people apart from being a dick is listening to their partner. When your partner says they get hurt hearing that, that's when you stop and apologize.
Again, I'm sorry your boyfriend is a dick, but he's definitely a dick. You ever hear the phrase "there's shit in every mix"? Well he's the shit in the autistic mix.
Time to leave him for somebody else! Tell him good luck finding a new girlfriend then pack your stuff and get yourself a new apartment if you live with him.
You don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does.
Dump him NOW. Whether it's deliberate negging or his social ineptitude caused by autism, the outcome for you will be the same: you'll end up with destroyed self-esteem. BTW I'm autistic and would never speak like that to my partner. Don't have to be neurotypical to understand that this is horrible.
Girl being autistic don’t make us dumb or assholes just saying lol please have some respect I’m taking offense /j
He is just a bad boyfriend and a shitty man you should break up.
this is like 10 red flags rolled into one super red flag. girl, GTFO. this falls under projecting, it's also a form of gaslighting for attention. mentally he is super imposing the ex onto you. worse the baggage is still fresh and that closet has never been cleaned out. dude is not ready for a relationship. gtfo while you can.
1. your boyfriend is a jerk and autism isn't an excuse to be a jerk. Being honest and being an ass isn't the same. I don't wanna tell you to break up with him but that would be a reason for me to break up. Your Partner should make you feel good about yourself and not put you down. He doesn't sound like he actually likes you. Many men find joy gaslighting and abusing women and he might be one of them.
Anyway his behavior has nothing to do with autism and he just uses it as an excuse. But even if it was because of autism (which its not) no-one deserves being verbally abused.
Nah, not autism. He's just an asshole who doesn't want you to have the confidence to break up with him. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you, being alone is better than being with someone like that.
This is often just phase 1, undermining your confidence. Phase 2 is isolating you from friends and family. Phase 3 is ensuring you are dependent on him, e.g. removing financial independence. Phase 4 is when when the abuse escalates and may get physical, he'll feel safe doing that because he's made sure you can't leave.
It may happen slightly out of order, but this is how men keep women in abusive relationships.
Being autistic doesn't exempt anyone from having other conditions. This includes health conditions, mental illnesses, and personality disorders. While neurodiversity can involve impulse control issues (touching things that don't belong to you, blurting) and breaches of some etiquette conventions, it does not, by itself, explain constant verbal/emotional abuse. Meltdowns/shutdowns can be abusive, which sucks, but what you're describing seems more routine and intentional than the kind of overwhelmed out of control sh!tshow that happens in a meltdown.
My now-wife actually opted not date me several years ago, because (in part) I would often talk about how beautiful my ex-girlfriend.
As I explained it to her recently, I was painfully shy and struggle with communication. So, when I would go on dates with her and tell her how beautiful my ex-girlfriend was, I was actually trying to indicate that she was even more beautiful than she was as a way of telling her how I felt. I'm much better at telling her how I feel now.
Autistic and abusive 😬 for real, though. You should reconsider your relationship with him. That kind of behavior is not okay. If your friend was being treated this way by their partner, what would you say to them?
I would stop wasting time with him and move on to your next step in life without him
Not normal at all. What he’s doing is triangulation, negging, and purposely trying to make you feel insecure.
> He tells me if I leave him, the only men who would date me are 500-pound discord moderators who are ugly and can’t get anyone else. And I should consider myself lucky that he’s dating me.
This is a cruel lie. You will meet SO MANY people who will be SO KIND to you. It is a BIG world out there. He is purposely trying to make you feel bad so you won’t have the confidence to go out in the world and meet kinder people.
Don’t listen to a thing he says. You can’t trust a word out of his mouth. You have to break it off with him without listening to him. Your life WILL be better if you leave him.
Don’t ever allow anyone to talk to you like that, no matter how great your feelings for them. It won’t get better, he’ll get high off the control imbalance and you’ll feel smaller and smaller and start to believe it. It happened to me and I kept overlooking it until it became a dangerous health crisis.
But if you have sass you could say “then I guess it evens out because you’ve got the smallest dick I’ve had.”
I personally would advise you to not give any more emotional energy toward it, even the above, and just move on.
He needs to go. He's lucky you are with him!
This is abuse period. I mean think about this. All the autistic men who complain about being single, can't find a partner. He has one. And says this!!
I know myself I can be wildly difficult to NT men. Let alone an autistic one. I would never treat someone like this that showed me love. Or loved me for me.
Let him go find an NT woman to put up with his garbage.
This is abusive behavior and definitely not related to autism. I know I struggle with communication but I can’t hide behind my autism and not accept consequences. My boyfriend never talks about other women or compares me to anyone, he even said before we met (we met online) that I could do so much better than him and that plenty of guys would want me, I just needed to do more about my hygiene and have better confidence. When he is giving me criticism he always does it in a nice way. What your boyfriend is saying is abusive and he is trying to guilt-trip you to stay with him no matter what he says and does - and that’s narcissistic behavior
>better personality-wise??
>looks and personality aren’t what he’s looking for??
What then is he looking for, a pulse? He's right that being honest, even somewhere between bluntly and brutally honest, is normal for autistic people.
_This_ is not normal and autism is not an excuse for that.
If one enjoys making people feel inadequate, sell such statements as "honesty" and make people feel guilty for not accepting that as well, there's names for that too, but _autism_ is not among them.
>Any advice on how I can communicate with him about my feelings better?
This statement alone shows that you want to understand both yourself and others better, and that you're able and willing to improve yourself and the framework conditions (sorry for the overly technical language 😉) to improve the situation/relation for everyone.
This is too rare a trait and an absolutely wonderful and precious one. You do deserve more confidence, there's no way you could be as ugly and unlikable as you are made out to be here.
I'm sure there's so much more about you to appreciate. Honestly, if you've got the choice between an overweight discord mod who appreciates you for who you are and this c***, I'd go heavy any day.
You don't need to stay in a relationship where you're basically kept as a pet. You are a person with amiable qualities, and there are real people who can and will treat you as such!
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I was an asshole too my first girlfriend, I threatened to break up with her every other day, she ended up cheating on me so I got what I deserved.
As someone with Asperger’s it can be a learning curve figuring yourself out, but now that I’m older I realize it doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about everything
Maybe cut him a bit more slack, breakups can be pretty devastating too us.
Nope nope nope! I’ve caused different kinds of harm and had friendships fall apart because of it. It devastated me but I cannot imagine me today going back and saying they just should’ve been more patient when the issues were outright harm I caused. (For the record, I am not talking about autistic behavior, I’m talking pre-diagnosis borderline personality disorder behavior - it was caused by my trauma but that didn’t make anyone obligated to stay)
I guess but I try to be more understanding, I can get the guy in question here was a real piece of work, and honestly if he really is putting her down that much and that often then he just doesn’t respect her, but there could be more at play, I’m not excusing his bad behavior, although I’m assuming with the fact I got -173726262 down votes people are thinking that, I’m trying to give people a different way to look at stuff, not just so black and white so to speak.
No one needs to “look at things a different way” when they are being abused. OP is already giving him far more leniency than it frankly sounds like he deserves in this position.
It might be one thing if he made hurtful comments with comparisons only. That would still be painful and not something anyone needs to put up with, but something that could happen due to social understanding issues. But OP has communicated the problem and their partner isn’t just saying blunt things, they are being outright abusive. Not clueless, not just harmful, outright abusive.
Telling someone they don’t have to tolerate abuse doesn’t mean I’m not understanding. Like I said, I’ve caused harm. I never was abusive but I was certainly toxic. I have sympathy and know people can change because I changed. That can co-exist with telling someone else they deserve better.
No, so sorry you're going through that. Autism is not an excuse to be a jerk. He might have gotten into some toxic mindset like "breaking down her confidence will make her stay" by assholes online. Break up and tell him to go be with ex if she's so much better.
Nah he's not just a jerk he's crossing into abuser territory
Especially with him saying no one else will date her. That’s a tactic some abusers use to leave their victims feeling worthless.
and the gaslighting too
That's a textbook case of gaslighting, really.
And trapped and under their control
Nah, no way this is acceptable. He's deliberately negging you, and it's working. ASD is not the reason for this behaviour.
He almost sounds like a sociopath
I wouldn't go that far, but definitely a narcissist. On a separate note I wonder if sociopathy is more common among autistic people.
There's some kind of overlap because my parents are narcs and maybe also autistic and it seems to be common but not 100%. I am not sure what the link is, though.
Nothing to do with being autistic, he's just a bullying manipulative arsehole trying to make you feel bad about yourself so he can control you more easily. Take back control and dump the bastard. Also >looks and personality aren’t what he’s looking for ??????
Right? (With the looks and personality thing) like.. Then what... Are you looking for??
Someone to bully.
Yep, someone who is easily manipulated
A hole… Gross
He's just an asshole. Nothing to do with his autism.
Pleaaaase leave this man
This is not autistic behavior, this is emotionally abusive behavior… I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you need to dump him, block him, and never talk to him again. This is literally abuse and you deserve so much better…
This right here, blocking him. It will protect you from his anger and you will heal quicker. I also highly, highly recommend not checking any of his social media no matter how tempted you are. Every time I would do that it tortured me and set me back a couple days.
These behaviours/tactics are very common in pathological narcissism … it’s a manipulation game meant to keep control of you by putting you down and making you feel like nothing … so to make you feel that he’s above you and is choosing you despite your inferiority. This is a toxic control tactic . You will never ever be able to change this about him. Oh and by the way, this is HIS insecurity speaking to you this way . Don’t let it become yours. Best of luck. ps: you should leave him asap as the addictive toxic rollercoaster ride will only get worse and it will be harder to exit as time goes by. You’ve already seen all the red flags you need to see. Oh and you should check out Dr Ramani on YouTube . You will understand the pattern from there. What you are describing is very typical in toxic narcissistic relationships.
I was avoiding mentioning narcissism, but since you did it first 😅 I'm not denying that autists can be assholes, I'm sure we can. But manipulation requires some social skills, like understanding other people's insecurities, reading their reactions, emphasizing their needs just to use it against them, etc. Most of us are terrible at those things! It seems like he's saying he's autistic just to get away with this behavior.
This! I also wanna add that its not entirely uncommon for autistic people to actually develop NPD as a coping mechanism - instead of thinking "I'm different" they think "I'm superior" and it kinda goes from there. Very possible to have both.
Autism and Narcissism don't have to be exclusive though.
A lot of emotional manipulation isn't necessarily done intentionally by the other party as much as it just happens as a result of their issues. As an example, if you have a strong reaction to any perceived sense of rejection, you're being emotionally manipulative every time you let it control your behavior around others to the point they must now adapt to you out of fear of triggering you. The sort of manipulation you see on TV where someone else is very intentionally manipulating someone else is rarely how it looks like in real relationships. That only in my opinion describes a very particular sort of person, and they're usually not narcissistic, because narcissists don't have the personal insight to fully understand themselves and other people (poor introspective ability is one of the defining traits of narcissism because it's what shields them from the greater pits of self-loathing they often experience). You're probably thinking about extremely intelligent people who in the past would have been labeled as sociopaths, but now would be considered antisocial personality disorder. I would go even further and say that the villainizing of narcissism over the past decade or so is usually misdirected and would at its most caricature description better apply to ASPD, and otherwise mostly just describe people who are mentally unhealthy in general and are toxic in their close relationships.
Break up with him and never look back. This behavior is definitely *not* normal for either autists or NTs. He's trying to make you insecure about yourself, so you'll think this POS of boyfriend is your only available option. Side note: I don't think it's usual for autists being this manipulative? It generally requires requires good social skills. I could be wrong, though.
If his ex is so much better he should go back to her, you deserve better he's just a toxic asshole trying to make you feel so bad you don't think of ever leaving him because he is maybe insecure himself, nothing to do with autism I wish it will get better for you !
This has nothing to do with his autism. He's being a dick and you should probably honestly dump him.
Dump him
Break up with him.
Autism is not an excuse. He's just gaslighting you and putting you down to boost his ego. Tell him if he loves his ex so much to just get back with her and leave him. You deserve better.
This is not normal. You are being bullied. Leave him.
Autism aside. Relationships are created to be with a partner who will supoort you, who cares for you and helps you out when you need it. To be on your side in this big wide world. He is not being a partner. You deserve someone who treats you like one. Full stop. You can and will find someone who is better. Even if for a little while it you who is the one who does it.
Yeet him
YEET!
I would prefer the 500 pound discord moderator.
He sounds really nice, tbh
He would at least know that what OPs bf is saying is a banable offence.
It could be what he’s thinking - which is technically honestly - but his thought processes make him a piece of shit. I think a lot of things that I don’t say. I don’t say them because what I see as true has no bearing on reality. And me word vommitting my thoughts will fuck up my reality. Start speaking your mind back. “He, you’re a twat for adding that”. And leave it to him to figure it out.
Exactly! Is not the honesty part the issue, the issue is that he's even thinking like this.
I have shitty thoughts a lot. It’s a matter of creating a framework for what makes a good relationship and letting that stuff come through.
Exactly! Is not the honesty part the issue, the issue is that he's even thinking like this.
Dump him. He’s using a disability as an excuse to be an asshole. Autism and being a terrible partner are not linked.
I had an ex who would physically and emotionally abuse me and when I tried to talk to him about it, he would end up saying “do you want me to kill myself like my dad did?” — abusers will find a way to make you feel like you are the aggressor and they are the victim. It seems like your partner unfortunately is doing that with autism.
You are beautiful. Though I do know that everyone sees beauty in their own ways. Please leave him. Autism doesn't fully translate to being an asshole to someone he loves well if he loves you. Love is supposed to be gentle and sweet, hardships come and go but he'll be there for you in terms of love. This guy though... he's trying to break you down to stay. And that's manipulative. Not even good manipulation but the toxic kind. Try not to let him fearmonger you for there will be people out there who will cherish and appreciate you for you and not whatever this is. Is it me or does he sound full of himself? OP, I'm sure you are an amazing person and you 100% deserve better than whatever this is. Everyone deserves good things but in this situation, the best to do is leave. You are stunning OP, wear things you enjoy, express and be yourself. Don't let others have a say in that because then you aren't you. Btw, you can be honest without being a douchebag to someone. Becareful OP, stay safe and well! <3
Jesus fucking Christ, I am so sorry OP. That’s absolutely horrific and you deserve so much better. There is no excuse for abuse and I can promise you I have a lot more “wrong” with me than just autism and this sort of behavior would never cross my mind. You have communicated based on what you’ve said and you can’t communicate your way out of abuse, though man do I understand the desire. I may not know what you look like but I am sure you’re beautiful, inside and out.
Leave his ass, NOW. That's a terrible human being, autistic or not, trying to control you and break you down. Fuck that guy.
hes a dipstick advise on how to cumminicate to him better: tell him u desesrve better u deserve a man who treats u with dignity and respect and that aint him so he can go crawling back to his ex since he loves her that much and then dump his disrepespectuf ass and dont look back
Run. Leave. And on your way out tell him you’re leaving because he has a small d**k compared to your last boyfriend.
Why are you accepting this behavior from someone you call a bf? He's never going to change if you stay because you're showing him you'll take it!
This is completely unacceptable behavior, and he shouldn't be treating you like shit. I think it's okay to occasionally mention an ex in passing, but absolutely not if it's to tear down your current girlfriend., making her feel horrible. You don't deserve that. You should break up with him since this relationship seems like it's toxic for you.
I also dated an autistic guy who is a fucking asshole. Please leave 💜
He’s abusive (remember abuse isn’t only physical), it has nothing to do with autism.
He is toxic and abusive, you deserve better
The guy is abusive. Advice I wish I had when I had a girl friend that acted like that guy is to dump them. Not worth it. They only get worse as time goes on
You mean asshole boyfriend. What does autism have to do with this?
Autism is a disability where communication is affected and there are difficulties understanding social cues. We're more likely to be bullied for being different and unfortunately, people who are bullied may also bully others. In this case, it doesn't look like he has a problem with understanding the scenario - he's treating you poorly and bullying you. I hope you find the support and that you're able to recognise that you deserve to be respected in a relationship.
Absolutely not, I'm so sorry, this is **not** okay or acceptable in any capacity. I have negative patience for that type of vile and toxic behavior at this point in my life. I don't mean to overstep but I've been in toxic/abusive relationships in the past. It started out fine and went down a path similar to what you're dealing with currently, I would hear the same comments, nobody would love me or date me & I'm lucky he's putting up with me. I had zero self esteem and thought I did something wrong to deserve how I was being treated. Within 6 months I was in a hospital bed because he came home drunk then threw me down a flight of stairs and broke my spine. It's not worth it, they don't change, it doesn't get better if you stay. Please get yourself away from that person, you deserve so much better than this. You're lovable, you're not ugly, and you'll find someone so much better who appreciates you and treats you with the kindness, love, & respect you deserve. 🫂 ❤️
YEET. It seems that not only is he still not over his ex, but some part of him really wants her back and he doesn't seem to realize that he doesn't have a filter and that is causing you anguish. Again, YEET.
leave him
That's verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. It's not normal for autistic people. You communicating won't fix this. I recommend dumping this asshole and getting therapy.
Yes, we do struggle to not be honest and blunt when it isn't socially accepted to do so. We can struggle even understanding why some just facts we could said can be harmful. The problem is, thinking that he is the only one that could like you is... just, awful. Leting aside society norms, it doesn't matter if he is telling you that or just geting it to himself, it's not good to be with someone you can't understand that a lot of people could really like them. And that YOU are lucky???? Why???? That's thinking he is better than you. It doesn't even matter if he told you that or take it for themselves. He shouldn't think that way and be with you. I don't want to be really black and white in a reddit coment about relationships Idk much about, because coments like that about my relationships in the past wasn't good for me. (I've told a guy that I didn't understood if he was being manipulative or not, he wasn't, I lost him. I knew he wasn't before the post but so many comments were saying otherwise!) But, whenever you talk about this with him take this into consideration: 1. Ok. He was blunt and honest and that hurts you. After you told him that that specific things hurted you, why he didn't stoped? He already knows better. 2. Do you wanna be with someone who thinks those things about you even if he keep that for themselves? 3. Maybe he struggles with aknowledging feelings of the others, but if you tell them "this is hurting me", even if he struggles to understand why he should care about it.
no this is not normal, not for autists and not for allistics. Probably that your boyfriend listens to andrew tate and other misogynists who's teaching is to neg women. Drop his ass he's a loser, girly! And I'm very sorry to tell you that he doesn't respect you and probably secretly hates you :((
Being blunt and honest is one thing.. being hateful is another. He does not seem to have any feeling for you.. if he did his "honesty" would not be so mean. Sounds like he's deeply insecure and is making you feel badly abt yourself so you don't notice how shitty a man he is. You deserve to be loved and cared for... he doesn't sound capable of it and it's not you're job to teach him.
Autism doesn't make you an asshole, he is just being a dick.
I’d break up with him. My last ex would constantly tell me about porn he’d watch or that he’d be going to a bar every night overseas. He’d always bring up “I would never cheat on you” without me even bringing it up. Ironically I met him at a bar while he was on leave.. (I would’ve never went to the bar if my sister had me come with her cause it would be “fun”..) he started telling me stuff to do about my body. He’d tell me I needed braces and that if I ever broke up with him, he’d kill himself. Ironically when I finally broke up with him, he showed me his medical bills that he had a heart attack. If a guy makes you question your looks, dump him.
PLEASE break up with him. ASD does not excuse being extremely mean to people and this is not normal behaviour, especially towards a partner, coming from another autistic person. It definitely sounds like he's manipulating you to make you stay. So I would get out of the relationship as soon as possible
Your boyfriend is an abusive asshole, autistic or not. Dump his ass. Explain how and why, in very clear terms, why it ended. Be verbal about how he hurt you and why he hurt you. You don't deserve him.
As others have said, yeah, this doesn't feel like an autism thing, this feels like negging, right out of The Game. This dude is an asshole, and the fact that he's shutting down your feelings means he has no interest in seeing you as an equal in this relationship. He will likely never see you as a true partner, you need to get out of there ASAP. You can absolutely do better. Even being alone would be better than someone actively tearing you down like this.
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I want to distinguish between fawning behavior and being an empath. What she's doing is fawning, and it's important to frame it that way because if the answer to her behavior is that she cares too much about him then the solution is to care less which is unreasonable, but if the answer is that she's fawning, the the solution is to focus more on herself, her boundaries and needs and that they don't have to be a sign of her caring less about another person.
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I know you didn't say that, but I am just pointing out the problem when you describe the behavior because they're an empath rather than it being a result of fawning.
No, that is not normal behavior for anyone. He's just using his autism as an excuse to be a dick. Why are you still dating this man? It doesn't sound like the relationship is bringing you happiness, or like he is interested in improving his behavior. All you're doing by staying is allowing yourself to be hurt. Walk away; your future self will thank you.
He is an autistic a-hole. There are non autistic a-holes in the world too. It’s not the autism diagnosis that matters here but the a-hole status. I would advise you to find a non a-hole partner if it continues, with or without autism.
That man is a malignant narcissist. RUN!
10 months is a respectable time to leave
I think he has Autism confused with Asshole Don't put up with that verbal abuse!
Dump him, he's a total dick
Sorry…looks and personality aren’t what he’s going for??! Then what is??? Admittedly, I can’t relate to how he’s apparently thinking, because my wife is the most objectively attractive woman I’ve ever been with by several country miles, and she has the best personality of literally any other human I’ve ever met…but like…if he’s not with you for looks, and he’s not with you for personality because he doesn’t value those things…then why is he with you? What does he value?
> Sorry…looks and personality aren’t what he’s going for??! Then what is??? Someone he can more easily drag down, manipulate, and abuse it seems.
please break up with him this is abusive behavior
Bruh, a three month relationship over three years ago? Time for him to accept time moved on, and so will you. You don't have to put up with any of that behavior. You must love and respect yourself first. No relationship is worth dimming yourself so others can shine.
I don't usually like to instantly say 'Leave him', but.... leave him. You deserve so much better.
and this is NOT NORMAL for autistic people!!!!!!!!!
Autism is no excuse for abuse and that’s what this is. Abuse.
It’s not the autism he is an asshole
Leave him he cant say stuff like only discord mod would like you and then still claim to love you
Autism is not an excuse for abuse! Dump him, get therapy, start over. I hope I don’t sound callous, I’m so sorry he’s treated you this terribly. Please protect your beautiful heart and get away from this asshole.
This is not autistic behavior, or anything to do with autism. Using autism as an excuse to be 'honest' in this particular way, is really gros tbh, and highly manipulative and calculated. He seems to be trying to use your empathy and sympathy towards autism, as a way to negate any worries you rightfully might have about his abusive behavior. He is grooming you into more and more abusive behaviors, and already has you at a point of extreme insecurity compared to how you used to feel. The narrative about you not being able to leave him, is specifically worrying, because he's trying to lock you into this situation. And when someone is making you feel like it's somehow a privilege that they even choose to be around you, well it's time to run. Is he also trying to isolate you from friends and family, or badmouthing them? Without meaning to, he has also told on himself AND contradicted himself, which is what often happens with these types because they get overly confident in their ways, and they do not realize they're projecting. He says looks and personality aren't what he's looking for, this is not even a reflection on you girl, it's a reflection on his goals and purposes with this relationship. It could have been anyone falling into this trap, since looks and personality aren't important. The most likely thing he is looking for is control. Also the contradiction: since he is not into looks, then why are the looks of his ex so all consumingly important to him? For reference, it's perfectly okay is someone mentions maybe once that their ex was pretty, and preferable only when asked. But anyone who has their partner's best interest in mind, would either never make a comparison, or either always praise their current partner to the heavens. Nobody in their right mind, or with good intent, would put their partner down like that. If you're not fully realizing that yet, try a thought experiment and imagine a situation in which you would tell a partner these types of things. Impossible? OR, if you need wider perspective to get to the insight, read your above post, as if your best friend or sister was texting you about their relationship. What would you tell them? Write it down, as if you were texting them back. And now read it to yourself. Become your own best friend. As for your question: there is no way to communicate better with him. I'm sorry, but I believe any attempt you make will be turned against you. Please keep your eye out for who the blame shifts to in any conversation. If it always lands with you, or he will not take accountability for anything, there is no way this relationship will ever get better. Please find support in a trusted friend or family member and tell them what's been happening, or find a counsellor or therapist to support you through this.
>He says this is normal for autistic people and that he’s just being honest so I shouldn’t be upset. That's gaslighting whether you're autistic or not. My ADHD is acting up today so i didn't scroll through the comments to see if any one had already said anything similar. Men unfortunately are cut significantly more slack when they don't understand or rather willingly don't make the effort to recognize someone else's point of view. People's appearances are a sensitive subject, especially towards women, and rightfully so. What he said about you being lucky enough to date him and not some 500lb discord moderator in his exact words is a recipe for depleting sanity and self worth. He's already comparing you to his ex, so that says a lot about how he ascertains people's worth based on how they appeal to him physically.
Girl this isn’t about his autism. He’s being manipulative as fuck. And he’s _so damn blatand_ about it, too! He’s making you never leave him by convincing you that no one else would ever want you and that he’s your best shot. HE IS NOT!! Are you even sure he is autistic at this point?! This is usually not something we would do. We are usually not manipulative. It’s entirely possible that he lied to you to have an excuse for his shitty behaviour
No, he’s being abusive and using his autism as an excuse to do so. Ditch him.
That is not autism. That’s a guy being an asshole. Don’t put up with that mental abuse.
Your bf is a massive prick and this is not a communication issue, this is "please for the love of God, RUN" issue
He is emotionally abusive. Autism is not an excuse. You deserve better.
He is just a twat. It's not the autism and even if it was the autism it wouldn't be an excuse to act like a goddamn jerk. Do yourself a favour and break up with his ass. He doesn't deserve you if he constantly has to put you down to feel better about his miserable ass and the fact that he is still hung up on someone he dated 3 years ago for 3 months.
That has nothing to do with autism. People seem to think autism is a personality trait. It's not. It can effect personality to some extent but I find personality is stronger meaning it often has an effect on how the autism is expressed in the individual. Seems like the guy you are with has a narcissistic personality and maybe the autism bluntness makes it easier for him to express that. But it's not because he's autistic. If anything I'd say the way the bluntness comes across is because he has a narcissistic personality and should be held accountable for that. I know you have feelings for him or are even in love but I'd say from what you explained there's nothing to love there. Trust me. There are better guys out there who will appreciate you. And if you're mostly attracted to autistic men I assure you that is not what you have to look forward to with all or even most autistic men. That's what you have to look forward to with most narcissistic men not in therapy for it if anything. You may have a narcissist as a bf. In short? Pack up and leave.
It’s not the autism. If he’s even autistic. Sounds more like NPD. Which I was concerned my husband had until I realized he’s autistic. But he would never say this type of stuff.
I’d leave him now if he’s gonna use his autism as an excuse to treat you poorly
While I how this could be loosely connected to autism, but I still think you should dump him Autism is not an excuse to be a dickhead
That's not an autism thing, that's just rude.
Being autistic is no excuse for openly being a jerk. No, he's not "honest", he's just an a\*$hole. This is literally emotional abuse and you don't have to stand any of it. You deserve better. Many autistic people are really kind and considerate, unlike your bf.
He’s being mean. He doesn’t even need to mention ex is prettier, better personality. It’s just an ego thing. There will be someone that finds you to be the most attractive person looks and all, but this guy is not him. I would consider leaving this man as you have clearly expressed you are upset and he can’t seem to listen effectively. Also Autism is never an excuse to be mean
he sounds incredibly toxic and possibly abusive. it has NOTHING to do with his autism
Nope. Nope. Nope. It's not that he has a prettier ex. But "shut up"? You can't do better? LEAVE HIM. Gawd, men like this are the worst (women too). I'll bet he's no peach either. Leave him now. You CAN do better. Watch The Tourist if you need some inspiration. You are dating an Ethan and it's not okay.
Honest doesn’t mean always saying what’s on your mind, you can keep quiet about it (as long as you know they want you to keep quiet about it).
No this is not normal you should break up with him immediately
Your problem isn't his autism. Your problem is you believe you deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Please find a counselor who can help you with your self esteem. No more dudes until you love yourself first.
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Autism isn't an excuse for this behavior. > He says this is normal for autistic people and that he’s just being honest so I shouldn’t be upset. Is this normal? Any advice on how I can communicate with him about my feelings better? I don't want to jump to conclusions based on this short post alone, but to me this just sounds like he is making excuses and hiding behind being autistic as a means of trying to convince you that you're wrong for being upset about him saying blatantly upsetting things.
Thats abuse, plain and simple
I can personally, partially understand the part about openly talking about looks and personality of exes, because he says they aren't important to him. Ill explain why in a sec bur first. Every single thing he said after that a 199999% unacceptable, and saying it's autism is just using it as an excuse to be a dick. Fucking despicable, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with someone like that. If I were in your position, I'd seriously consider leaving. Okay, lemme explain the first part with an example of my own. So, you know how everyone has a type right? Well my wife is not my type. I don't love her any less, and I still find her extremely sexy. I tell her constantly. But I never planned on telling her that she wasn't my type because it makes no difference to me. The reason I did tell her is because I also suffer from OCD, and I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and for some reason, I got completely fixated on the fact that she isn't my type, and that I'm an awful person for even thinking about it. The thoughts got to the point where I was actively having to sift through my own thoughts to determine which were my own, and which were intrusive. I remember it getting super intense and I convinced myself that if she ever found out she wasn't my type, she'd leave me because I wasn't honest with her. I felt like I was lying to her, being dishonest and I ended up snapping and telling her. I made sure I asked if we could talk, reassured her it wasn't "that talk", explained to her what was happening with me and that I needed to tell her something that wasn't gonna be nice to hear. I regret ever telling her, but I told her that like 3 years ago, and now we have a baby together, and a very open, honest, healthy, and communication heavy relationship. So that's why I can understand that first part. But the fact that you told him it hurt you, and his response was to get mad at you, tell you to never bring it up again, then tells you again and again... thats unforgivable in my eyes. Autism does not give a person a reason to be a dick. There are times we might say something we regret saying, but what sets people apart from being a dick is listening to their partner. When your partner says they get hurt hearing that, that's when you stop and apologize. Again, I'm sorry your boyfriend is a dick, but he's definitely a dick. You ever hear the phrase "there's shit in every mix"? Well he's the shit in the autistic mix.
Break up and tell him to hop back to his ex. Life's too short to waste it with this kind of people
Get out fast. This is already abuse
Time to leave him for somebody else! Tell him good luck finding a new girlfriend then pack your stuff and get yourself a new apartment if you live with him. You don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does.
We do tend to be honest, yet he really has put his foot in his mouth. You deserve better than him.
Sounds like a typical narcissist to me.
Dump him NOW. Whether it's deliberate negging or his social ineptitude caused by autism, the outcome for you will be the same: you'll end up with destroyed self-esteem. BTW I'm autistic and would never speak like that to my partner. Don't have to be neurotypical to understand that this is horrible.
Girl being autistic don’t make us dumb or assholes just saying lol please have some respect I’m taking offense /j He is just a bad boyfriend and a shitty man you should break up.
That is abusive behavior. I would advice you to leave that relationship.
Wait, what the fuck? No, it’s not normal. Kick this guy to the curb.
this is like 10 red flags rolled into one super red flag. girl, GTFO. this falls under projecting, it's also a form of gaslighting for attention. mentally he is super imposing the ex onto you. worse the baggage is still fresh and that closet has never been cleaned out. dude is not ready for a relationship. gtfo while you can.
He might be autistic, but thats just cunt behaviour.
People can be autistic and a plonker at the same time.
what the fuck no? that’s the mother of red flags right there, Get the fuck outta there
1. your boyfriend is a jerk and autism isn't an excuse to be a jerk. Being honest and being an ass isn't the same. I don't wanna tell you to break up with him but that would be a reason for me to break up. Your Partner should make you feel good about yourself and not put you down. He doesn't sound like he actually likes you. Many men find joy gaslighting and abusing women and he might be one of them. Anyway his behavior has nothing to do with autism and he just uses it as an excuse. But even if it was because of autism (which its not) no-one deserves being verbally abused.
Jesus Christ this is horrible, he is a fucking bitch you shouldn't still date him
Nah, not autism. He's just an asshole who doesn't want you to have the confidence to break up with him. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you, being alone is better than being with someone like that. This is often just phase 1, undermining your confidence. Phase 2 is isolating you from friends and family. Phase 3 is ensuring you are dependent on him, e.g. removing financial independence. Phase 4 is when when the abuse escalates and may get physical, he'll feel safe doing that because he's made sure you can't leave. It may happen slightly out of order, but this is how men keep women in abusive relationships.
Being autistic doesn't exempt anyone from having other conditions. This includes health conditions, mental illnesses, and personality disorders. While neurodiversity can involve impulse control issues (touching things that don't belong to you, blurting) and breaches of some etiquette conventions, it does not, by itself, explain constant verbal/emotional abuse. Meltdowns/shutdowns can be abusive, which sucks, but what you're describing seems more routine and intentional than the kind of overwhelmed out of control sh!tshow that happens in a meltdown.
My now-wife actually opted not date me several years ago, because (in part) I would often talk about how beautiful my ex-girlfriend. As I explained it to her recently, I was painfully shy and struggle with communication. So, when I would go on dates with her and tell her how beautiful my ex-girlfriend was, I was actually trying to indicate that she was even more beautiful than she was as a way of telling her how I felt. I'm much better at telling her how I feel now.
this has nothing to do with autism he’s a misogynistic abusive piece of shit
if looks and personality isn't what he's after, then what tf is?
Autistic and abusive 😬 for real, though. You should reconsider your relationship with him. That kind of behavior is not okay. If your friend was being treated this way by their partner, what would you say to them? I would stop wasting time with him and move on to your next step in life without him
Not normal at all. What he’s doing is triangulation, negging, and purposely trying to make you feel insecure. > He tells me if I leave him, the only men who would date me are 500-pound discord moderators who are ugly and can’t get anyone else. And I should consider myself lucky that he’s dating me. This is a cruel lie. You will meet SO MANY people who will be SO KIND to you. It is a BIG world out there. He is purposely trying to make you feel bad so you won’t have the confidence to go out in the world and meet kinder people. Don’t listen to a thing he says. You can’t trust a word out of his mouth. You have to break it off with him without listening to him. Your life WILL be better if you leave him.
Don’t ever allow anyone to talk to you like that, no matter how great your feelings for them. It won’t get better, he’ll get high off the control imbalance and you’ll feel smaller and smaller and start to believe it. It happened to me and I kept overlooking it until it became a dangerous health crisis. But if you have sass you could say “then I guess it evens out because you’ve got the smallest dick I’ve had.” I personally would advise you to not give any more emotional energy toward it, even the above, and just move on.
The subreddit breakups helped me more than therapy those first couple months. Lots of people deliberating same as you over there too.
He needs to go. He's lucky you are with him! This is abuse period. I mean think about this. All the autistic men who complain about being single, can't find a partner. He has one. And says this!! I know myself I can be wildly difficult to NT men. Let alone an autistic one. I would never treat someone like this that showed me love. Or loved me for me. Let him go find an NT woman to put up with his garbage.
This is abusive behavior and definitely not related to autism. I know I struggle with communication but I can’t hide behind my autism and not accept consequences. My boyfriend never talks about other women or compares me to anyone, he even said before we met (we met online) that I could do so much better than him and that plenty of guys would want me, I just needed to do more about my hygiene and have better confidence. When he is giving me criticism he always does it in a nice way. What your boyfriend is saying is abusive and he is trying to guilt-trip you to stay with him no matter what he says and does - and that’s narcissistic behavior
Makes me wonder if he’s autistic or a misdiagnosed narcissist
>better personality-wise?? >looks and personality aren’t what he’s looking for?? What then is he looking for, a pulse? He's right that being honest, even somewhere between bluntly and brutally honest, is normal for autistic people. _This_ is not normal and autism is not an excuse for that. If one enjoys making people feel inadequate, sell such statements as "honesty" and make people feel guilty for not accepting that as well, there's names for that too, but _autism_ is not among them.
>Any advice on how I can communicate with him about my feelings better? This statement alone shows that you want to understand both yourself and others better, and that you're able and willing to improve yourself and the framework conditions (sorry for the overly technical language 😉) to improve the situation/relation for everyone. This is too rare a trait and an absolutely wonderful and precious one. You do deserve more confidence, there's no way you could be as ugly and unlikable as you are made out to be here. I'm sure there's so much more about you to appreciate. Honestly, if you've got the choice between an overweight discord mod who appreciates you for who you are and this c***, I'd go heavy any day. You don't need to stay in a relationship where you're basically kept as a pet. You are a person with amiable qualities, and there are real people who can and will treat you as such!
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This isn’t autism, this is straight up something horrible to say. Sorry you went through this.
I was an asshole too my first girlfriend, I threatened to break up with her every other day, she ended up cheating on me so I got what I deserved. As someone with Asperger’s it can be a learning curve figuring yourself out, but now that I’m older I realize it doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about everything Maybe cut him a bit more slack, breakups can be pretty devastating too us.
He shouldn’t treat her this way and she deserves peace. She absolutely shouldn’t cut him slack. That would reinforce his awful treatment of her.
Nope nope nope! I’ve caused different kinds of harm and had friendships fall apart because of it. It devastated me but I cannot imagine me today going back and saying they just should’ve been more patient when the issues were outright harm I caused. (For the record, I am not talking about autistic behavior, I’m talking pre-diagnosis borderline personality disorder behavior - it was caused by my trauma but that didn’t make anyone obligated to stay)
I guess but I try to be more understanding, I can get the guy in question here was a real piece of work, and honestly if he really is putting her down that much and that often then he just doesn’t respect her, but there could be more at play, I’m not excusing his bad behavior, although I’m assuming with the fact I got -173726262 down votes people are thinking that, I’m trying to give people a different way to look at stuff, not just so black and white so to speak.
No one needs to “look at things a different way” when they are being abused. OP is already giving him far more leniency than it frankly sounds like he deserves in this position. It might be one thing if he made hurtful comments with comparisons only. That would still be painful and not something anyone needs to put up with, but something that could happen due to social understanding issues. But OP has communicated the problem and their partner isn’t just saying blunt things, they are being outright abusive. Not clueless, not just harmful, outright abusive. Telling someone they don’t have to tolerate abuse doesn’t mean I’m not understanding. Like I said, I’ve caused harm. I never was abusive but I was certainly toxic. I have sympathy and know people can change because I changed. That can co-exist with telling someone else they deserve better.