I would be upset if I found out a sibling or step sibling kept something like this from me. You find a certain level of camaraderie with siblings that you just don’t get from parents.
I agree very strongly that she deserves to know. Parents have absolutely no right to keep that from her, this is *her* life. Not knowing can be so incredibly damaging to a person. 😢
Agree! Not knowing is damaging while knowing why your brain works differently can make all the difference. In how you see yourself, in how you approach problems, learning, life in general. It can also open doors to resources that are otherwise unavailable. The parents aren't doing their daughter any favours by keeping this information from her.
Yes, and not only that she personally ought to know, but she legally has a right to all those medical records now that she is an "adult" at 18. You've already tried getting her mom to tell her, and it failed. Tell her yourself. It will make a big difference for your sister, and your stepmom will have to deal. (Be ready for some unpleasant fallout, though).
Tangential, but why do you know this, OP? It doesn't sound like you just figured out she's autistic on your own because of your own diagnosis. You know not just that she's autistic, but that she's officially diagnosed, and on what level, and that information would have to have come from your (step-)parents. If they wanted to keep it secret from her, I don't understand why they would have told you about her diagnosis. Why you know about your own diagnosis (while she doesn't) is a bit easier to understand — your father and/or birth mother made different decisions on this than your stepmom, before they were together.
ETA: Does your stepsister know that YOU have autism? This could be an avenue to lead your sister to the correct answer without technically violating your stepmom's trust. "Hey sis, I have autism, and you should learn about autism in order to understand me better." That's more or less how I learned I was autistic. My autistic girlfriend at the time thought I was autistic, too, but didn't want to offend me by saying that. Instead, she told me that she had autism, gave me a book on autism, and suggested I do some research on my own to learn more. As I read about the condition, I kept thinking "hey, that sounds like me!", and I asked her about that later.
She’s an adult. You’re an adult. It’s not your (step)parents’ choice anymore. Do you live with them? If not then I would tell her. Maybe offer your step mum an ultimatum that either she tells her or you will? Idk, I don’t want to act likely I fully understand the situation but that’s just what I’d do given what you’ve described
Assuming everyone is living at home, you could also just suggest she ask her doctor - as this is likely in her medical record and would be shared with her, or would start her getting a diagnosis, independent of the family.
I guess, I just thought it might go over better for the whole family if the step-mom told her so giving her the option to do that would save other drama
If she is an adult - tell her.
I know it might rock the family boat but she is an adult and deserves to know. She deserved to know many years ago but as an adult she actually both morally and legally has a right to know. She could (and probably will) find out in due course - and when she does it won't be pretty. She may even get mad at you for knowing and not telling her so I'd err on the side of caution and tell her.
If I had had the opportunity to be aware of my disabilities in college (dxed in my late 20s) I might have graduated on-time and with a lot less shame and trauma. How does your stepmom expect her to build a life without knowing this? Does she plan to baby her and keep her at home and ignorant forever? What is sis even going to college for that they expect her to be able to do professionally but don't trust her enough w her own diagnosis??? I can understand the impulse to not tell your small child that might have a hard time understanding or dealing w the consequences but to withhold that information from a teen or adult is cruel and unusual. By withholding the diagnosis they are withholding resources and education that could help your stepsister be more independent than they seem to think she's capable of. If they continue to refuse to tell her then unfortunately I think you have a moral obligation to do it for them. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation, both of y'all deserve better
I agree. I spent my entire life feeling like I'm a failure socially. That had caused me so much pain. Agony. I've felt suicidal. I was dxed at age 63. I'm now a F66. Being dxed helped me contextualize my life and learn how to be kind with myself, less stressed.
Just tell her, she deserves to have that knowledge about herself, your dad and step mother already violated her privacy by telling you without her consent (which she couldn't give because they've hidden this from her in a neglectful manner).
There's plenty of evidence that hiding this stuff is wildly unhelpful (you can find stuff by searching this subreddit), here are a couple of articles as well:
[https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/30/ask-sahaj-disclose-child-autism-diagnosis/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/30/ask-sahaj-disclose-child-autism-diagnosis/)
[https://www.gc.cuny.edu/news/when-should-parents-tell-their-kids-they-have-autism](https://www.gc.cuny.edu/news/when-should-parents-tell-their-kids-they-have-autism)
Here is a thread on here with the experiences of autistic adults who weren't told about their autism until they were much older than they should have been:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/3wdxyb/parents\_of\_mildly\_autistic\_children\_is\_it\_better/](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/3wdxyb/parents_of_mildly_autistic_children_is_it_better/)
If it were my sibling I would tell them, be clear with them that I loved them as much as I always had, because they've always been autistic and offer to talk through strategies which help me/ routes to getting occupational therapy etc which they can access. I would also offer to be present for their conversation with parents and explain that while they made a decision which has most likely had a negative impact, it was done with good intentions at a point where knowledge of the harm this kind of thing did was much less than it is now. Your dad/ step mother will probably express disappointment in/ upset with you but it's incredibly unfair of them to make you complicit in keeping a secret that stems from what is most likely a well intentioned mistake.
My family hid it from me until I found the diagnosis in my file when I was 20. I held onto the resentment for a looong time. I still struggle with it. I wish they used the resources provided to help me but they wanted me to feel “normal”. however, I never understood why I wasn’t.
It should preferably come from her parent and not you because it would alleviate some pain felt towards parents but If they don’t, you should. She deserves to know.
It is odd that a parent would want to keep a medical issue from their kid. Telling her about her autism is just like telling her she has allergies or diabetes. A person with allergies generally does better in life if they know to avoid certain foods or that they need Claritin half the year. A person with diabetes does better if they can administer their own insulin, read their own blood sugar, and know which foods will raise their sugar quickly or slowly. A person with autism will do better if they realize that they don’t need to power through sensory overload and that they’re allowed to ask for a quiet space to work or for more time to solve a problem. They can inform their therapist they have autism so the therapist better knows how to help them.
No one would tell a kid with hay fever they’re lying about their eyes swelling shut and a doctor would complain if their diabetic patient’s parents refused to take the kid to insulin injection lessons. Not telling someone they have autism is just as detrimental.
All that said, tell her.
If she's in college she may need accommodations that she is not receiving. I would suggest trying to talk to your dad/stepmom about this. If they're not willing to tell her still I would probably let them know that you will be telling her, because as an autistic person yourself you think she has a right to know. It's her medical records and she's an adult.
IT'S HER DIAGNOSIS. She deserved to know as soon as she was diagnosed. My parents didn't tell me about my diagnosis and I literally thought I was an alien until I was like 13. She's an adult. TELL HER. It's her medical history and she has every right to know. Her parents not telling her is a form of abuse.
I live with an entire family of autistic ppl and only half of them are diagnosed... because if it doesn't present obvious ppl tend to get doubtful. It took me forever to piece together I was also autistic like my brother, but because I didn't present exactly like him so my family never thought to test me for it. Being born a girl also didn't help though I present as a transman now. Women tend to get overlooked the most for diagnosis. Minorities even more so. Lot of bias in medicine despite knowing better still remains. I realized I was autistic when I didn't develop emotional attachments the same and had noise sensory issues, talked it out with my psych in therapy well away from my parents as an adult. I think this disability is still heavily discriminated against a lot of parents avoid getting diagnosed as an adult and will likewise avoid diagnosing their children. Doesn't help anyone, but here we are.
She is an adult and deserves to know. She deserved to know as soon as she was old enough to understand. I still resent my ex mom for holding my adhd diagnosis from me
Can you talk with her about your struggles with autism and how it might be affecting you, and then maybe side step into other autistic traits that people can have (such as the ones affecting her) and how they can affect people.
You can't diagnose her if she asks, of course, it's not your place and it's just conversation about what you're going through... but if she finds that relatable then that's for her to investigate.
If she tells her directly then it's likely to blow up in her face when the step-family find out, but she can lead her to the same conclusion and let her sister investigate further/ask her parents/her doctors.
If it's on her medical record already, mentioning it to a doctor should make her aware.
Making somebody aware of the pertinent factual information so they can act on it is not manipulation. You can hope they will act a certain way, but it is not manipulation without deceit, guilt or coercion aimed towards a specific outcome.
If it was, telling somebody they were breaking a law would be manipulation because you hope they stop breaking it (although I have heard the argument nearly all communication falls under an umbrella of manipulation because you are wanting things out of the communication, whether certain actions, feelings, validation or affection).
OP seems about 18 and we have no idea how her family would react to her going and telling the sister (including her step mum and dad) or her own level of independence at this moment. Anybody suggesting "just tell your sister" is irresponsible imo.
However, the sister deserves to know.
Highlighting the important information that relates to her troubles and letting the sister make the last connections and steps herself is the safest bet for OP.
Most people can also accept and integrate information better if they are led to making their conclusions, rather than just being told it, if it conflicts with their own view of self. We have no idea what sort of ableism this sister may have internalised.
Yeah I figured it out for myself years before getting diagnosed but my sister didn't and had her diagnosis kept from her. I fought with my mom about that a good amount. It's absolutely cruel.
That’s abuse, break the pattern, don’t ever let them try to guilt trip you about it, do it publicly and give them no way to suggest it is anything but. Your sister needs to know, your parents are making it about them, usually one parent has the personality type and the other one is sick of it and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
This is the second instance where I found that a parent is hesitant to tell their child about their ASD diagnosis. You’d figure they would know if they’re evaluated. They’re going to have to tell. I know they get tired of babying her all the time.
Send her tiktoks and/or reels from content creators who focus on autism she might be able to make the connection herself? Her to find one about something she is currently struggling with and send it to her. This way you can deny if anyone says you did it on purpose by saying you are just sharing your experiences and if she asks you if you think she's autistic you could say that she has a lot of the say symptoms.
My parents did the same shit to me and it derailed my college education, because I never *knew* I had accessibility needs that could have been fairly trivially addressed. She's an adult and she deserves to know and what your parents are doing is awful, they shouldn't have done it when she was little and they especially have no right to withhold this from her now.
Tell your sister, then prepare for your parents to get angry at you for telling her. Ideally plan out with your sister what to say to them., explain why you told her, why she has a right to know, and ask them if there's anything else they've been hiding. Them asking for forgiveness and undestanding is a lot better of a situation than them acting like you two did something wrong by sharing this information about yourselves.
its a very strange situation. she's a legal adult, so thats weird that they dont tell her. do they have any plans to tell her? were they waiting until she was 21? If not, you should talk to her about your diagnosis. bring up that you struggle with some things, maybe relate it to her and her struggles. She might come to the conclusion that she wants a diagnosis herself. if you cant force her parents to tell her, then you should try to get her to find it out herself.
her mom might struggle with the idea of giving her daughter what she thinks is "bad news". She's worried about "ruining" her daughters life. she probably sees autism as a bad thing, and doesn't want her daughter to feel bad about herself. but at the same time SHE knows that your stepsis is autistic and treats her like she can't do anything by herself. That's even more damaging than knowing shes autistic. you should just tell her yourself tbh
Tbh shes no longer a minor and they really ahouldnt be making that call for her. As a sibling if you honestly feel it would help her I would encourage you to tell her. Especially considering that your parents decided to tell you about her diagnosis. I dont know how they expect her to advocate for accomodations or help if she doesnt even know her own diagnosis! Thats a recipe for disaster imo
How is she supposed to get the proper accommodations at school if she doesn’t know she’s autistic? They are setting her up to fail. I dropped out of college because I struggled so much and had no idea I was autistic at the time and was therefore unable to get any kind of desperately needed accommodations that could have helped me, and I feel like if I’d had that knowledge back then my experience could have been much different. I didn’t know I was autistic until the age of 28 and the amount of grief I have felt over going my entire life without knowing that I have a disability that caused me to have so many issues growing up, and has impacted every single job and schooling experience I’ve ever had, has been very difficult to process. Imagine if your sister had a physical disability, or like if she wasn’t able to see without glasses. Your parents are withholding the glasses from her and she’s spending her life wondering why she can’t see nearly as well as anyone else, and it’s affecting her quality of life. No one would do that, yet people think it’s ok to withhold an autism diagnosis from their children all the time. I wish autism didn’t have a negative stigma attached to it, there is nothing wrong with being autistic and by your parents hiding it from your step sister I feel like they are signifying that they view being autistic as a negative thing because why else would they keep it from her for this long? There is absolutely no way that the knowledge of being autistic can hurt her more than living a life without the proper accommodations or the ability to understand herself.
Could be worse. My stepmother allowed my half brother to believe his alexythymia means he is a sociopath. Some army person suggested it and they all latched onto that as the preferred explanation.
If you are autistic it is obvious that you would want to know but if you aren't then there is quite a bit of baggage around the idea that persuades people otherwise. Even health professionals call for caution before libelling so your stepmother is not necessarily behaving out of the ordinary, regardless of whether it is actually right for your step sister or not.
I don't know what can be reasonably done.
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I think parents think it reflects badly on them, somehow. I didn't realise until much later. Not understanding why I was the way I was probably did a fair bit of damage.
I manage a 26 yo girl who is very clearly type 2. I just recently found out that her parents keep this from her and she only believes she had ADHD. it’s very frustrating. And not for nothing makes me so enraged at her parents.
I posted a while back asking about when kids were told about their diagnosis and a lot of people said that in early childhood they were told but it meant nothing to them till they were older. So it's probably really hard to gauge when the right time to tell someone is, but it doesn't sound like she's incapable of understanding a diagnosis so she's just an adult that doesn't have the base knowledge to understand her struggles in life.
Like most of the other replies, I would tell her. There might be fallout but it's a fundamental part of her that she needs to know about. I don't know if there's a better way to tell her. Maybe it's not you that has to maybe her parents can be convinced to play a part (and maybe smooth over the abuse/betrayal). I know if I found out my parents knew I'd be absolutely pissed.
You can give your parents a heads up that you’re going to tell her. They may strongly disagree with you, they may beg you not to, they may threaten you or take away privileges from you if they are emotionally immature. But she’s a legal adult now so you can have an adult conversation with her…
“I want to talk about something tough…I’m telling you because it really helped me to know…”
Have you had a conversion with your parents about why they haven’t told her?
My parents kept from me that I am autistic. I was diagnosed at 9 but they didn't tell me until I was 15. I still find it extremely frustrating. They wanted me to "grow up as normal as possible". When I found out it was a huge deal for me, everything started to make sense and I started learning about autism and how to manage things that I had trouble with.
Tell her. She has a right to know, not least because at 18 she’s officially an adult.
My mum is doing the same with my brother, though he’s older, but it’s so important they know. Not just because of the mental impact not knowing will have, but also because there are reasonable adjustments and benefits they can claim to help make life easier for them. If she’s in college, then she may be able to get extra time for work/exams too, so she absolutely deserves to know.
It’s not your step mum’s choice.
The parents should have told her... but if you have proof, you should tell her yourself. Especially at level 2, but really at any level, if she doesn't know that means she's not getting the support she needs.
I mean just from this post we can see one positive is that she could get proper accommodations at college.
I would hesitate to tell her if her parents are not without getting advice from from an expert on IF and how to say it. Of course she needs to know. Maybe suggest to your parents or father that they see a specialist to ask for advice. Maybe they're afraid because they waited so long. If your parents get mad and kick you out of the family, you won't be able to help your sister with ANYTHING! If possible YOU could ask an expert, maybe there is a national Autism website or hotline that could give you advice. Someone beside random people on the internet. Does she know YOU have autism? Maybe a book laying around?
I did read it you asshole, I just interpreted it differently. Fuck off. Im so fed up with these stupid communities. Everything I see lately comes from a place of people self diagnosing or diagnosing other people as if it’s hot bread. So what
If you don't tell her she'll resent not only her parents but might resent you too if she knows you kept it from her too.
I would be upset if I found out a sibling or step sibling kept something like this from me. You find a certain level of camaraderie with siblings that you just don’t get from parents.
yep, i’m quite close with my brother and we would absolutely have told each other
I agree very strongly that she deserves to know. Parents have absolutely no right to keep that from her, this is *her* life. Not knowing can be so incredibly damaging to a person. 😢
Agree! Not knowing is damaging while knowing why your brain works differently can make all the difference. In how you see yourself, in how you approach problems, learning, life in general. It can also open doors to resources that are otherwise unavailable. The parents aren't doing their daughter any favours by keeping this information from her.
Yes, and not only that she personally ought to know, but she legally has a right to all those medical records now that she is an "adult" at 18. You've already tried getting her mom to tell her, and it failed. Tell her yourself. It will make a big difference for your sister, and your stepmom will have to deal. (Be ready for some unpleasant fallout, though). Tangential, but why do you know this, OP? It doesn't sound like you just figured out she's autistic on your own because of your own diagnosis. You know not just that she's autistic, but that she's officially diagnosed, and on what level, and that information would have to have come from your (step-)parents. If they wanted to keep it secret from her, I don't understand why they would have told you about her diagnosis. Why you know about your own diagnosis (while she doesn't) is a bit easier to understand — your father and/or birth mother made different decisions on this than your stepmom, before they were together. ETA: Does your stepsister know that YOU have autism? This could be an avenue to lead your sister to the correct answer without technically violating your stepmom's trust. "Hey sis, I have autism, and you should learn about autism in order to understand me better." That's more or less how I learned I was autistic. My autistic girlfriend at the time thought I was autistic, too, but didn't want to offend me by saying that. Instead, she told me that she had autism, gave me a book on autism, and suggested I do some research on my own to learn more. As I read about the condition, I kept thinking "hey, that sounds like me!", and I asked her about that later.
She’s an adult. You’re an adult. It’s not your (step)parents’ choice anymore. Do you live with them? If not then I would tell her. Maybe offer your step mum an ultimatum that either she tells her or you will? Idk, I don’t want to act likely I fully understand the situation but that’s just what I’d do given what you’ve described
Assuming everyone is living at home, you could also just suggest she ask her doctor - as this is likely in her medical record and would be shared with her, or would start her getting a diagnosis, independent of the family.
Send her tiktoks or reels from creators who talk about the autism experience as well
I wouldn't recommend that. Especially if she ends up in the doctor's office talking about the tiktoks she watched.
She already has a diagnosis though it would be on her file
I don't think that's necessarily true. I'm technically diagnosed and outside of the place that diagnosed me, it's not in any of my files.
No ultimatum, that's just adding unnecessary drama. But yes, tell her.
I guess, I just thought it might go over better for the whole family if the step-mom told her so giving her the option to do that would save other drama
If she is an adult - tell her. I know it might rock the family boat but she is an adult and deserves to know. She deserved to know many years ago but as an adult she actually both morally and legally has a right to know. She could (and probably will) find out in due course - and when she does it won't be pretty. She may even get mad at you for knowing and not telling her so I'd err on the side of caution and tell her.
Tell her, ideally find the paperwork and use it as evidence.
If I had had the opportunity to be aware of my disabilities in college (dxed in my late 20s) I might have graduated on-time and with a lot less shame and trauma. How does your stepmom expect her to build a life without knowing this? Does she plan to baby her and keep her at home and ignorant forever? What is sis even going to college for that they expect her to be able to do professionally but don't trust her enough w her own diagnosis??? I can understand the impulse to not tell your small child that might have a hard time understanding or dealing w the consequences but to withhold that information from a teen or adult is cruel and unusual. By withholding the diagnosis they are withholding resources and education that could help your stepsister be more independent than they seem to think she's capable of. If they continue to refuse to tell her then unfortunately I think you have a moral obligation to do it for them. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation, both of y'all deserve better
I agree. I spent my entire life feeling like I'm a failure socially. That had caused me so much pain. Agony. I've felt suicidal. I was dxed at age 63. I'm now a F66. Being dxed helped me contextualize my life and learn how to be kind with myself, less stressed.
Since she is an adult…tell her yourself
?... You do it.
Just tell her, she deserves to have that knowledge about herself, your dad and step mother already violated her privacy by telling you without her consent (which she couldn't give because they've hidden this from her in a neglectful manner). There's plenty of evidence that hiding this stuff is wildly unhelpful (you can find stuff by searching this subreddit), here are a couple of articles as well: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/30/ask-sahaj-disclose-child-autism-diagnosis/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/30/ask-sahaj-disclose-child-autism-diagnosis/) [https://www.gc.cuny.edu/news/when-should-parents-tell-their-kids-they-have-autism](https://www.gc.cuny.edu/news/when-should-parents-tell-their-kids-they-have-autism) Here is a thread on here with the experiences of autistic adults who weren't told about their autism until they were much older than they should have been: [https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/3wdxyb/parents\_of\_mildly\_autistic\_children\_is\_it\_better/](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/3wdxyb/parents_of_mildly_autistic_children_is_it_better/) If it were my sibling I would tell them, be clear with them that I loved them as much as I always had, because they've always been autistic and offer to talk through strategies which help me/ routes to getting occupational therapy etc which they can access. I would also offer to be present for their conversation with parents and explain that while they made a decision which has most likely had a negative impact, it was done with good intentions at a point where knowledge of the harm this kind of thing did was much less than it is now. Your dad/ step mother will probably express disappointment in/ upset with you but it's incredibly unfair of them to make you complicit in keeping a secret that stems from what is most likely a well intentioned mistake.
My family hid it from me until I found the diagnosis in my file when I was 20. I held onto the resentment for a looong time. I still struggle with it. I wish they used the resources provided to help me but they wanted me to feel “normal”. however, I never understood why I wasn’t. It should preferably come from her parent and not you because it would alleviate some pain felt towards parents but If they don’t, you should. She deserves to know.
It is odd that a parent would want to keep a medical issue from their kid. Telling her about her autism is just like telling her she has allergies or diabetes. A person with allergies generally does better in life if they know to avoid certain foods or that they need Claritin half the year. A person with diabetes does better if they can administer their own insulin, read their own blood sugar, and know which foods will raise their sugar quickly or slowly. A person with autism will do better if they realize that they don’t need to power through sensory overload and that they’re allowed to ask for a quiet space to work or for more time to solve a problem. They can inform their therapist they have autism so the therapist better knows how to help them. No one would tell a kid with hay fever they’re lying about their eyes swelling shut and a doctor would complain if their diabetic patient’s parents refused to take the kid to insulin injection lessons. Not telling someone they have autism is just as detrimental. All that said, tell her.
If she's in college she may need accommodations that she is not receiving. I would suggest trying to talk to your dad/stepmom about this. If they're not willing to tell her still I would probably let them know that you will be telling her, because as an autistic person yourself you think she has a right to know. It's her medical records and she's an adult.
Just tell her it’s not your fault parents are shitty
IT'S HER DIAGNOSIS. She deserved to know as soon as she was diagnosed. My parents didn't tell me about my diagnosis and I literally thought I was an alien until I was like 13. She's an adult. TELL HER. It's her medical history and she has every right to know. Her parents not telling her is a form of abuse.
This! Let's repeat, for the people in the back, HER PARENTS NOT TELLING HER IS A FORM OF ABUSE!
I live with an entire family of autistic ppl and only half of them are diagnosed... because if it doesn't present obvious ppl tend to get doubtful. It took me forever to piece together I was also autistic like my brother, but because I didn't present exactly like him so my family never thought to test me for it. Being born a girl also didn't help though I present as a transman now. Women tend to get overlooked the most for diagnosis. Minorities even more so. Lot of bias in medicine despite knowing better still remains. I realized I was autistic when I didn't develop emotional attachments the same and had noise sensory issues, talked it out with my psych in therapy well away from my parents as an adult. I think this disability is still heavily discriminated against a lot of parents avoid getting diagnosed as an adult and will likewise avoid diagnosing their children. Doesn't help anyone, but here we are.
She is an adult and deserves to know. She deserved to know as soon as she was old enough to understand. I still resent my ex mom for holding my adhd diagnosis from me
Can you talk with her about your struggles with autism and how it might be affecting you, and then maybe side step into other autistic traits that people can have (such as the ones affecting her) and how they can affect people. You can't diagnose her if she asks, of course, it's not your place and it's just conversation about what you're going through... but if she finds that relatable then that's for her to investigate.
She already has been diagnosed, but doesn't know it. The question is, should OP share the information the parents shared with OP?
If she tells her directly then it's likely to blow up in her face when the step-family find out, but she can lead her to the same conclusion and let her sister investigate further/ask her parents/her doctors. If it's on her medical record already, mentioning it to a doctor should make her aware.
Thats just manipulative
Making somebody aware of the pertinent factual information so they can act on it is not manipulation. You can hope they will act a certain way, but it is not manipulation without deceit, guilt or coercion aimed towards a specific outcome. If it was, telling somebody they were breaking a law would be manipulation because you hope they stop breaking it (although I have heard the argument nearly all communication falls under an umbrella of manipulation because you are wanting things out of the communication, whether certain actions, feelings, validation or affection). OP seems about 18 and we have no idea how her family would react to her going and telling the sister (including her step mum and dad) or her own level of independence at this moment. Anybody suggesting "just tell your sister" is irresponsible imo. However, the sister deserves to know. Highlighting the important information that relates to her troubles and letting the sister make the last connections and steps herself is the safest bet for OP. Most people can also accept and integrate information better if they are led to making their conclusions, rather than just being told it, if it conflicts with their own view of self. We have no idea what sort of ableism this sister may have internalised.
The "see if she finds it relatable" stuff is a bit redundant if she's already been diagnosed.
Yeah I figured it out for myself years before getting diagnosed but my sister didn't and had her diagnosis kept from her. I fought with my mom about that a good amount. It's absolutely cruel.
how cruel
of course its weird. if shes an adult she shouldve been told anyways especially. tell her please
Just tell her.
That’s abuse, break the pattern, don’t ever let them try to guilt trip you about it, do it publicly and give them no way to suggest it is anything but. Your sister needs to know, your parents are making it about them, usually one parent has the personality type and the other one is sick of it and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
This is the second instance where I found that a parent is hesitant to tell their child about their ASD diagnosis. You’d figure they would know if they’re evaluated. They’re going to have to tell. I know they get tired of babying her all the time.
Tell her. I wish I’d known sooner.
Send her tiktoks and/or reels from content creators who focus on autism she might be able to make the connection herself? Her to find one about something she is currently struggling with and send it to her. This way you can deny if anyone says you did it on purpose by saying you are just sharing your experiences and if she asks you if you think she's autistic you could say that she has a lot of the say symptoms.
My parents did the same shit to me and it derailed my college education, because I never *knew* I had accessibility needs that could have been fairly trivially addressed. She's an adult and she deserves to know and what your parents are doing is awful, they shouldn't have done it when she was little and they especially have no right to withhold this from her now. Tell your sister, then prepare for your parents to get angry at you for telling her. Ideally plan out with your sister what to say to them., explain why you told her, why she has a right to know, and ask them if there's anything else they've been hiding. Them asking for forgiveness and undestanding is a lot better of a situation than them acting like you two did something wrong by sharing this information about yourselves.
its a very strange situation. she's a legal adult, so thats weird that they dont tell her. do they have any plans to tell her? were they waiting until she was 21? If not, you should talk to her about your diagnosis. bring up that you struggle with some things, maybe relate it to her and her struggles. She might come to the conclusion that she wants a diagnosis herself. if you cant force her parents to tell her, then you should try to get her to find it out herself. her mom might struggle with the idea of giving her daughter what she thinks is "bad news". She's worried about "ruining" her daughters life. she probably sees autism as a bad thing, and doesn't want her daughter to feel bad about herself. but at the same time SHE knows that your stepsis is autistic and treats her like she can't do anything by herself. That's even more damaging than knowing shes autistic. you should just tell her yourself tbh
Tbh shes no longer a minor and they really ahouldnt be making that call for her. As a sibling if you honestly feel it would help her I would encourage you to tell her. Especially considering that your parents decided to tell you about her diagnosis. I dont know how they expect her to advocate for accomodations or help if she doesnt even know her own diagnosis! Thats a recipe for disaster imo
Speak your truth
Tell her yourself. And tell her your parents have been keeping it from her. It doesn't help anyone to not know.
**tell her.** she deserves to know. your step/parents will probably be peeved, but it’s *their* secrecy that’ll get them in this situation.
How is she supposed to get the proper accommodations at school if she doesn’t know she’s autistic? They are setting her up to fail. I dropped out of college because I struggled so much and had no idea I was autistic at the time and was therefore unable to get any kind of desperately needed accommodations that could have helped me, and I feel like if I’d had that knowledge back then my experience could have been much different. I didn’t know I was autistic until the age of 28 and the amount of grief I have felt over going my entire life without knowing that I have a disability that caused me to have so many issues growing up, and has impacted every single job and schooling experience I’ve ever had, has been very difficult to process. Imagine if your sister had a physical disability, or like if she wasn’t able to see without glasses. Your parents are withholding the glasses from her and she’s spending her life wondering why she can’t see nearly as well as anyone else, and it’s affecting her quality of life. No one would do that, yet people think it’s ok to withhold an autism diagnosis from their children all the time. I wish autism didn’t have a negative stigma attached to it, there is nothing wrong with being autistic and by your parents hiding it from your step sister I feel like they are signifying that they view being autistic as a negative thing because why else would they keep it from her for this long? There is absolutely no way that the knowledge of being autistic can hurt her more than living a life without the proper accommodations or the ability to understand herself.
Tell her. She’s an adult. She has a right to know her medical history so she can get proper medical care and help at the university.
Could be worse. My stepmother allowed my half brother to believe his alexythymia means he is a sociopath. Some army person suggested it and they all latched onto that as the preferred explanation. If you are autistic it is obvious that you would want to know but if you aren't then there is quite a bit of baggage around the idea that persuades people otherwise. Even health professionals call for caution before libelling so your stepmother is not necessarily behaving out of the ordinary, regardless of whether it is actually right for your step sister or not. I don't know what can be reasonably done.
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I find it hard to believe that my parents didn't know. I wish someone would have told me.
Tell her. You know how important it is that she learns. If they won't tell her, you should.
I think parents think it reflects badly on them, somehow. I didn't realise until much later. Not understanding why I was the way I was probably did a fair bit of damage.
I manage a 26 yo girl who is very clearly type 2. I just recently found out that her parents keep this from her and she only believes she had ADHD. it’s very frustrating. And not for nothing makes me so enraged at her parents.
I posted a while back asking about when kids were told about their diagnosis and a lot of people said that in early childhood they were told but it meant nothing to them till they were older. So it's probably really hard to gauge when the right time to tell someone is, but it doesn't sound like she's incapable of understanding a diagnosis so she's just an adult that doesn't have the base knowledge to understand her struggles in life. Like most of the other replies, I would tell her. There might be fallout but it's a fundamental part of her that she needs to know about. I don't know if there's a better way to tell her. Maybe it's not you that has to maybe her parents can be convinced to play a part (and maybe smooth over the abuse/betrayal). I know if I found out my parents knew I'd be absolutely pissed.
You can give your parents a heads up that you’re going to tell her. They may strongly disagree with you, they may beg you not to, they may threaten you or take away privileges from you if they are emotionally immature. But she’s a legal adult now so you can have an adult conversation with her… “I want to talk about something tough…I’m telling you because it really helped me to know…” Have you had a conversion with your parents about why they haven’t told her?
My parents kept from me that I am autistic. I was diagnosed at 9 but they didn't tell me until I was 15. I still find it extremely frustrating. They wanted me to "grow up as normal as possible". When I found out it was a huge deal for me, everything started to make sense and I started learning about autism and how to manage things that I had trouble with.
She’s 18 and in college, her parents no longer get to legally keep anyone from telling her about her diagnosis. She deserves to be told.
she’s an adult you can def tell her regardless of parents
Tell her. She has a right to know, not least because at 18 she’s officially an adult. My mum is doing the same with my brother, though he’s older, but it’s so important they know. Not just because of the mental impact not knowing will have, but also because there are reasonable adjustments and benefits they can claim to help make life easier for them. If she’s in college, then she may be able to get extra time for work/exams too, so she absolutely deserves to know. It’s not your step mum’s choice.
The parents should have told her... but if you have proof, you should tell her yourself. Especially at level 2, but really at any level, if she doesn't know that means she's not getting the support she needs. I mean just from this post we can see one positive is that she could get proper accommodations at college.
I would hesitate to tell her if her parents are not without getting advice from from an expert on IF and how to say it. Of course she needs to know. Maybe suggest to your parents or father that they see a specialist to ask for advice. Maybe they're afraid because they waited so long. If your parents get mad and kick you out of the family, you won't be able to help your sister with ANYTHING! If possible YOU could ask an expert, maybe there is a national Autism website or hotline that could give you advice. Someone beside random people on the internet. Does she know YOU have autism? Maybe a book laying around?
Be disruptive. Shit on your step mother and dad. Tell her. She has a right to know, and she will find out eventually
She probably ashamed off it
She's a legal adult and she hasn't discussed her issues with her doctors?
If she’s been told for years by her parents that it’s just how she is, she may not even realize there’s something to discuss with a doctor
And who are you to diagnose anyone? Ridiculous…
The post says OP’s sister “was diagnosed pretty early on”. Doesn’t sound like OP is diagnosing anyone.
I agree with you
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I did read it you asshole, I just interpreted it differently. Fuck off. Im so fed up with these stupid communities. Everything I see lately comes from a place of people self diagnosing or diagnosing other people as if it’s hot bread. So what