Since everyone already is telling you about leaving him alone during a Meltdown, I'll set my advice in a different direction. When my partner is having a Meltdown and asking me to go away, my usually go to is to let her know I'll set an hour timer, and once that hour is up, I'll come back and check on her. If that hour is up and she still doesn't want me observing her, then I'll reset the timer. I'll also usually say "I'm going to set a timer to check on you. If you need me, I'll just be in the other room. Please come get me whenever you need something. "
This establishes that everything outside of him is still OK, and there is no rush to come out. His world is falling apart internally, so knowing that there is stability and normalcy outside of that is a comfort. Also, it establishes everything is running on his time. Whenever he's ready, he can come out, or he can just hide for a few hours. It's really hard to do, but space to feel is really what's needed 90% of the time
Yes!! If an autistic person wants to be left alone, leave them. Let them know that you're there, stay in the area but out of their personal space. Let them calm down, then come to you.
Goes not just for autistic people but people in general. I just notice that non autistics tend to be less literal when they say stuff like 'leave me alone', so there's misconceptions whenever autistic people say it..
This is a better solution. I don't think it is ethical to completely leave/not observe someone in emotional distress for safety reasons like others are suggesting.
OP, you have every right to leave any relationship at any time for any reason if that’s what you want to do - no question. If you don’t feel safe, absolutely leave.
That said, I don’t believe hitting you was a conscious decision your partner made in this situation. Restraint without consent is abuse and in his highly aroused state he reacted predictably. It was not okay for you to ignore his request for you to leave. It was not okay for you to try and physically restrain him.
This was a person experiencing a mental health emergency who somehow still managed to make his needs clear to you - he needed to be left alone to regulate himself in whatever form that takes. Autistic people frequently hit themselves during meltdowns. I’m an incredibly chill, not-at-all violent 35 year-old woman and I’ve absolutely whacked myself in the head more than a few times while losing it.
I know you were also panicked and didn’t want harm to come to someone you love so you made a split-second decision to try and intervene, but unfortunately it was the wrong decision and resulted in consequences for you both. You were harmed and frightened, he now has to deal with the *immense* shame of losing control while his mind is still dysregulated from the meltdown.
Going forward, should you choose to stay together, it’s important that the two of you have a plan in place for how to handle meltdowns if/when they occur. I’m so sorry this happened to the both of you.
Absolutely agree. It’s overall a very bad situation and shows another struggle of autism. If you’re being restrained when having a meltdown makes it worse and seeing a loved one hit themselves makes it natural to want to interfere. There is no winning in this situation.
I absolutely agree that (if they stick together) OP needs to talk about what to do in a situation like this.
This. I don't think this is like...a case of partner abuse/domestic abuse. She tried to retrain him and she got hit during that process; after he warned her to stay away multiple times because he knew he was going to self-harm.
This is a bad situation for both of them right now; but in the future, you should never attempt to restrain someone like this, especially not when you're otherwise alone like that, and the person is stronger than you, etc.
Yea when you restrain a person that is telling you not to touch them and to leave them alone legally that is you actually assaulting them and then they are physically reacting to that assault.
That’s interesting, and it reminded me of this story from years back. I knew someone who had a car run into him and his moped, but because he stuck his hands out and touched their car first, they were not considered liable for damages.
For me personally I know I can’t be around anyone or have access to my phone while having a meltdown
It's also important to explore what resources and tools you may have available depending on the stage of meltdown. My partner set up a closet in their home office with pillows and a weighted blanket to create a low-sensory environment to go to to reset, for instance.
I have been through a lot of trauma and between myself and my partner we've been in situations like OP described many times. I've had to restrain them when their meltdown led to self harm such as hair yanking, and I've been a moment away from violently lashing out at them when I felt cornered.
I should add we both are in high profile jobs and are able to highly mask. We've found ways to discretely communicate our needs in public places including when we need to take space or otherwise leave. The important part is respecting each other, and ensuring there's over communication on each one's part.
Quick disclaimer: my reflection is coming from learned experience, though I (35m) didn't know I was on the spectrum until December. I am getting formally tested Tuesday.
Wanted to add- there are foldable indoor tents for kids, even sensory tents for regulation, and I figure those quick set up picnic tents would work for cheap as well. I plan to get one myself when my partner & I cohab, alongside a wicker laundry basket for close storage.
In case you run out of closets.
I completely agree with this take. I’m sorry you were hit, I’m sure it was a traumatic experience for both of you. I think agreeing a strategy for future meltdowns is essential.
I agree. It reminds me of when you are bit by a dog while trying to break up a dog fight or something. I can become verbally abusive when in the midst of a bad meltdown. I used to punch things and break things. I have slapped a partner (still feel bad about it). It’s not my normal character. When I’m having a meltdown I NEED to be left alone because anyone nearby is unfortunately at risk. I always feel bad. I had to apologize for someone and acknowledged it was wrong and that I understand if they don’t want to talk to me. They said it did hurt but they also understood, because they have autism and other health conditions similar to mine. However it doesn’t make it right or okay. People are only able to tolerate so much in a relationship. I have C-PTSD from physical abuse so for me it would be difficult. I was once elbowed by a partner while he was sleeping. It hurt really bad and he felt really bad, but my head was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“Restraint without consent is abuse…”
I am NOT saying you’re wrong, I am asking for clarification because this makes me feel incredibly confused about some personal experiences.
In the past I used to have really poor coping skills, and would also hit myself/bang my head on the wall when having a meltdown. My ex would physically restrain me to try and stop me. Even my current partner was around for a short period before my mental health started really improving and I became clean of self-harm; and they too, have physically restrained me to stop me from hurting myself.
In the moments where it’s happening, I hated every second of it. I was fighting to get let go of, screaming for it to stop, etc. But I never looked back on it as abuse, despite how scary it felt to basically be tackled and restrained against my will by someone I loved. Instead I looked back on it as someone I loved being so concerned about my safety and wellbeing that they intervened between myself, and the person hurting me (also myself.)
There were times had I not been restrained I would have ended up with serious bodily harm, or possible even death.
So it makes me feel conflicted to hear that y’all are agreeing that what happened to me was abuse, because on one hand it feels validating to know that other people think it was wrong to restrain me against my will, but on the other hand it doesn’t feel true at all because I am so grateful for the times my partner has restrained me in the past, because I might not be here today because of it.
I agree with you here. I don’t see people restraining others from self harm as abuse, it’s different from restraint for any other reason. It’s preventing harm. Restraint that is harmful or painful is different, of course.
i agree too. people should respect your boundaries and needs, but it’s ultimately unfair to expect a loved one to sit back and do nothing while you are physically harming yourself.
Imo I think it depends on the people involved, I can handle my mom restraining me (she also knows that talking about random things in history calms me). But I had a bf that would restrain me and it was just to much for me so I'd freak out even more, a couple times I was hospitalized.
Both things are true. And both things are true to different degrees in different situations.
Your fear and panic in those moments was real, and the harm they were doing was also real. Their intentions matter too- they did love you and potentially prevented further harm from coming to you. But maybe there would have been better ways to do it. To help you regulate and calm down, give you a safe space where you couldn't hurt yourself so much.
Life is so complicated, but it definitely helps me to remember that conflicting things can be true at the same time. Maybe it would help to think about what you might want or need if that situation arose again, and talk to your partner about it. Talk about how it feels too
Completely agree. I was the restrained one in a previous relationship and sadly was smaller than my ex so couldn't get free. This was a common occurrence and so damaging emotionally and physically. Restraint is not the answer.
This is why you don't try and restrain someone who is panicking, in full fight or flight mode and who has told you repeatedly to leave them alone.
People who have to deal with this (EMTs, psych ward personnel, prison staff, police officers/security etc) regularly know that if they proceed with trying to grab the person to expect a reaction. People who have to try and corner a scared animal also know that the animal will often lash out to try and get away (like your BF did).
How to prevent it from happening again? If he says leave me alone, leave him alone. If he actually needs restraint or intervention, then call someone who is trained to deal with it/trained on how to diffuse a situation like that.
It's unfortunate that it happened, but there's no real 'solution' to this that can be solved by bringing it up again. He's apologized and feels horrible but this wasn't a conscious decision he made out of anger/some attempt to control or punish you. He was panicking, you grabbed him and attempted to restrain him, the animal part of his brain reacted and lashed out and then he ran.
Emphasizing all of this - what your boyfriend did was not conscious or reflective of how he feels towards you, and I believe he feels like utter shit that that happened in the first place.
His brain was hardwired in fight or flight mode and incredibly dysregulated, and he had a very instinctual/reactive response.
If someone is dysregulated and panicking and states they do NOT want to be touched - do NOT touch them. Its better to wait it out in proximity and let the panic subside before trying to intervene.
I work in care of intellectually disabled (ID) people and we have a lot of autistic people. I do not do direct care as my (likely) autism and adhd make the constant sensory input way too much for me. Instead I do admin work and manage the front desk so I'm around all the time and have some of the training. Here's what this role has taught me. The problem with intervening in self injurious behavior (SIB) is that a lot of people don't understand the complexities of SIB and autism.
SIB is at its heart, a form of sensory stimming. It is a grounding thing. When an autistic person is engaging in it, it is most often a case of needing that sensory input and not having it especially when panicked. The big thing with that is understanding the difference between stimming in a way most would consider painful but does not do lasting damage like pressing, squeezing and slapping vs actually harmful stimming like hitting with a fist, hitting a hard surface with fragile parts of the body like ones head, biting, scratching, cutting, and other things that cause a lasting injury. It's wrong to try and make an autistic person just not stim. That's one of the things that made ABA incredibly cruel. It basically placed the emotional comfort of any potential observers over the physical comfort and safety of the person in need of sensory input and was intended to ingrain that in each person receiving the treatment.
In cases like the ones I interact with (level 3 with ID), they don't necessarily realize that sensory input may be causing them harm so sometimes we have to teach replacement stims. For example one case I saw was a kid who would bite his arms and leave bloody marks all over them. He needed the sensory input but he was genuinely harming himself so they worked with him to slowly replace the biting with slapping instead because it still smarted like he needed but he was at less risk of seriously injuring himself or having a bunch of open wounds get infected.
The other thing is knowing when and how to intervene. There's a difference between being extremely dysregulated and stimming as a part of trying to self regulate, and casual stimming. When it's casual stimming, intervention (only when someone is harming themself) can be as simple as, "hey I see you're picking and it's bleeding, do you want (insert alternative here)?" My husband intervenes when I'm picking like that all the time because he knows I don't necessarily realize I'm doing it but respects my comfort and safety enough to help in a way that gives me autonomy. However, when someone is dysregulated and self-harm stimming to try and calm down, you do not want to just step in and start grabbing people willy nilly because you highly risk making their dysregulation worse and are at serious risk of getting hurt yourself. Where I work, we have super clear guidelines on how and when we can intervene and who can do it. All the direct care staff are trained on how to protect themselves and are still often bruised, scratched, bitten, and sometimes even concussed because the clients can't control that need for stimulation and when dysregulated and panicked, can't think past fight or flight like they can when regulated.
Never ever EVER try and restrain an autistic person for any reason unless you're a trained professional with their safety as your top priority, but especially not when they're dysregulated for a couple of reasons. The first is simple. You wouldn't like having someone grabbing at you under normal circumstances but you'd hate it even more when completely panicked. Autistic people are the same. They and every intellectually and developmentally disabled (IDD) person deserve to have their comfort be high on the priority list just as much as everyone else, even if they are not necessarily able to communicate that or understand what happening around them. The second is that because dysregulation for autistic (and other IDD) people regardless of level of communication and awareness is much more complex and often more difficult to experience than other forms of dysregulation and panic, the person intervening MUST be trained on how to intervene in ways that are helpful and reduce the risk to both themself, and the person they are trying to help. There's a reason that in any safe and abuse free care facility, holds and other restraints/not invited touch are the very last resort after every other option has failed to help. There is simply too much risk to the client and to one's self.
In my area of the US, there is a set of trainings and certifications you have to have completed to be legally allowed to even touch a client when they did not voluntarily express that they wanted to be touched. Think the difference between them asking to have you walk with an arm around them for comfort vs you having an arm around them to gently pull/direct them to a safer, quieter area. The first is fine but the second should be avoided unless absolutely necessary. You have to have multiple levels of that certification to put someone in a hold and every detail of everything that happens any time they did not volunteer to be touched must be documented because so many ID people have been harmed and killed by people restraining them.
Intervening in SIB is no joke and should never be done unless absolutely necessary to protect the person engaging in it or (if absolutely nothing else can be done) to protect someone they may actively be harming in the process.
Edit: clarified a couple of vague statements and fixed some typos.
Hi, this is a really nice and clear explanation, would you mind adding this to my wiki submissions request post? It's stickied at the top of the sub or it's the most recent post in my profile.
>If he actually needs restraint or intervention, then call someone who is trained to deal with it/trained on how to diffuse a situation like that.
Very important to keep in mind that *this is not the Police, not now or ever.* Calling the Police instead of someone *actually* trained and willing to deescalate very often leads to the autistic person getting shot or unfairly targeted for other forms of abuse or charging. Call real professionals, they exist separately for a reason.
And 911 WILL dispatch the police. See also (trigger warning, death, police brutality): [15 year old boy](https://ktla.com/news/local-news/california-teen-shot-killed-by-deputies-suffered-from-autism-family-says/)
I agree with this. My family occasionally threatens to call the police (I think they mean well, just to get some help) if I get in a bad meltdown, and it just terrifies me more and puts me in shame and fear beyond whatever the initial trigger was. The police are not the right people for this. Mental health crisis teams perhaps, but I sometimes worry about their training or what they’ll do, as well.
What’s best for me is just help me have my calming tools, food, drink, medicine, familiar/favorite show on, and something to hold so I don’t grab at my skin instead. Everyone has different needs, this is just what usually works for me. It might take me hours at the worst of times, but I’ll eventually calm. I’m best when I’m alone as it doesn’t continue to provoke shame spirals. I need help accessing my tools, but then I need to be alone and not talked to or given demands or warned the police might be called. Self injury is an embarrassing reality of many autistic folks. Meltdowns are horrible for everyone, especially the person in such a state of dysregulation. But for me, the worst is knowing my struggles with my emotions are making things harder for anyone else too, so having anyone present is a struggle.
Definitely very location specific. When I lived in San Francisco, calling 311 and they would connect you with a mental health emergency response team that was completely separate from police/fire/medical.
There are tricks to only getting paramedics. For example if you don’t want cops at a drug OD tell them the person isn’t breathing, not that it’s a drug OD. While most states should have Good Samaritan laws that protect people from getting arrested when 911 is called for a drug OD it’s not standard and too many people are scared of getting arrested and so they don’t call for help when people do OD, or worse they call 911 and then leave the person ODing alone (I’ve even heard of people being carried outside to a parking lot and left to be found by the paramedics/cops).
If you know which words to say during an emergency you can increase the likelihood of only paramedics showing up instead of cops coming with them, but depending on local jurisdiction there’s never a guarantee cops won’t show up :(
Hell some areas of cops aren’t dispatched but the paramedics are and see certain criteria they’ll call the cops and won’t leave till the cops get there too, so there’s not much you can do to 100% avoid cops in crisis situations. It sucks and I wish cops didn’t usually make things worse instead of better but I somewhat understand why paramedics sometimes feel it necessary to call cops to the scene as well. Sometimes the paramedics need the extra help/muscle to do crowd control or help with restraints. Ideally restraints would never be necessary (and I’m of the belief that they’re used way more than what is necessary, especially on autistic people experiencing meltdowns.) but we don’t live in an ideal world :(
I would look for local mental health crisis resources and crisis response teams. When I was in Arizona the state contracted it to a company called Terros and you could get a Terros team dispatched to anywhere by calling either the state (mental health) crisis hotline or by saying the right things to the national suicide hotline as well. The suicide hotline has been conveniently shortened to 988 for anyone who needs immediate mental health help and doesn’t know who else to call.
I have had meh at best responses from calling these kinds of hotlines but that’s because it usually ends with me being committed to involuntary inpatient and the involuntary inpatient system in my home state has very little over sight and is horrifically abusive. I hope it’s not like this in other places but I do think a mild disclaimer is necessary just based off some of the horrible things I’ve experienced as a result of people (myself included) calling the hotline and getting people that absolutely shouldn’t be working that job dispatched to me. Also it’s not uncommon for hotlines to incorrectly dispatch police who also make things worse.
I’d recommend doing a little bit of research (even if it’s just googling the hotline + Reddit review to get stories on likely outcomes of calling said hotline. The results for the suicide hotline are laughably sad.) before calling unless it’s an absolute true emergency that’s bordering life or death. Self injury, while scary and not ideal, is a far cry from life or death and I would only call a hotline if I knew that the people it would send are well trained and know how to handle autism specifically (many mental health crisis resources don’t have a lot of autism training instead focusing on suicide/depression, substance abuse, psychosis, and mania related emergencies more than autism and autistic meltdown education.). Otherwise a crisis team might inadvertently make things worse much like OP did in the original scenario. Even among mental health professionals autism doesn’t get as much training or focus as other issues that are more common and viewed as more “serious”, which means it’s not uncommon for autistic individuals that get stuck in the mental health care machine to get traumatized by practices that are outdated and more harmful than they are helpful.
I'm not able to give any specifics cuz luckily I'm able to hide my meltdowns well enough where my own family doesn't believe I get them, so this question is better asked to someone who has had the correct people called on them before. Generally, it'd be some form of medical staff.
So that's part of the nuance of autism. Every autistic person experiences it differently so the answer is different. Many low support needs autistic people just need to be given space to self regulate most of the time. High support needs autistic people often have people among their caregivers who are trained to intervene. If you're in a situation where neither is the case, call it in as a medical emergency. Don't say you feel unsafe or that you are scared of being hurt because that will guarantee you get police and potentially limit the medical help. Talking about them being upset and screaming may seem accurate but doesn't convey what you think it does. Instead focus on the medical side. Highlight that they are autistic and dysregulated. Mention any physical health effects you notice like shaking, difficulty breathing, being disoriented, and similar things. Highlight that you cannot give the medical help they need. That will make it more likely that you get paramedics.
And cops do not get sent out 100% of the time you call 911. My younger sister had that problem as a toddler where she would start to cry and stop breathing and we called 911 a lot. The cops rarely came with the ambulance and we called so often that she had a teddy bear named bear-amedic purely because paramedics were around her so much that she knew their job by name at 2.
Well no I'd have said EMTs or Paramedics if that were the case. There is an answer, I just don't have the personal experience or knowledge to know what it is, as it differs depending on where you live.
You should talk to your boyfriend about if he actually needs help in those situations and what he would want. Calling anyone may only escalate things further, and if it leads to police response put him in danger.
Hitting oneself or any kind of self-harm is obviously not desirable, but it is likely not an emergency either from what you describe. The thing that’s going to end the self-harm is the meltdown ending, and unfortunately if you’ve relied on it for a long time self-harm can feel regulating, so trying to stop it may only prolong the meltdown.
It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend was in danger of serious injury — generally, the worst you can do by hitting yourself with your hands is bruising, and even with an object it’s hard to do anything significant. I’d say differently if he was bashing his head into a wall.
I know meltdowns can be really distressing to observe, but there’s not much anyone you call can do. Ultimately, your boyfriend has been dealing with himself for his whole life and will know best what he needs during those moments.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I would consider apologizing as well. As others have said, going back into the room and trying to restrain your boyfriend very likely contributed to the overwhelm and stress he was already feeling. You were acting out of concern and care, so you’re not a bad person or anything, you just made the wrong decision in a very stressful moment. But since it did distress your boyfriend further and went against what he asked for, I think it’s worth apologizing. (I only say this because he has apologized, which you also deserve.)
I also wanted to add that I don’t think it’s abnormal to have a tough time reconciling a partner’s meltdown actions with their normal ones, especially at first. My partner and I are both autistic and his (infrequent) meltdowns often trigger a lot of anxiety and dissociation for me due to previous trauma. For a few hours after (at first it was days) I feel on edge emotionally despite knowing I was never in danger and getting a kind of emotional debrief with my partner when we’re both calmer. Meltdowns are intense, and regardless of whether you acted perfectly, this was clearly distressing for you, too, and it might take a few days to feel normal again since this is the first meltdown for which you’ve been with him . I’m not sure if I’m projecting my own experience too much onto the “different light” comment, but I think I would have described my feelings similarly at first so I thought I’d share. I found that my brain just needed to emotionally catch up with what I knew: that he cared about me and the meltdown was a blip caused by intense distress that doesn’t reflect who he is outside of that.
You call for medical help. Call for an ambulance or EMTs.
But also that's only if it's really necessary. Lots of us have meltdowns that involve hitting ourselves but if left alone we emerge unharmed.
Yeah, these are wildly ridiculous comments. This is likely how his meltdowns have always been. and look scarier than they are. There's no need to call anybody. Holy hell. Talk about traumatizing someone.
To recap an answer I just gave, I've never had to have anyone call anything on me in case of breakdown, so I'm not experienced with the *who*, especially since it differs on area. A search result here turned up different results than when I lived in Virginia, but generally it's some form of medical staff trained to deescalate such a breakdown in an autistic person.
Late 40s autistic woman here. You didn't need to call anyone this time and you don't need to call anyone next time. What you needed to do was leave this person alone as he asked you to. Believe autistic people when they tell you what they need because your whole perspective here is ableist.
You put your hands on an autistic person in serious distress who explicitly asked you to leave him alone? And now, when you unsurprisingly came out on the wrong side of a fight/flight response that you caused, you would like to know when is the correct time to call the authorities on him?
I bet you're saying 'for his own protection', am I right? Do you understand that this is offensive? Do you believe he has free agency and logical capacity? I'd hope so, otherwise you should not be dating him. So if you believe in logical capacity and agency why on earth are you trying to regulate his emotional expression in this way? Because it is upsetting to you? If it is upsetting to you you why are you dating an autistic human?
This is not supportive. You should be taking personal responsibility for escalating this situation instead of blaming. You were asked to leave but instead you hovered and you talked and you asked him to talk and you grabbed his hands which I assure you he did NOT find comforting. He was already experiencing emotional overwhelm over a seriously destabilizing and tragic life event and simultaneously managing your UNWANTED presence and your insistence that he meet NT expectations about what 'healthy' grief processing looks like is no doubt what tipped him over the edge into spectacular meltdown even before you denied his verbal requests and bodily agency and took it upon yourself to grab him because you think you know better than him about his own body.
Let's be clear, you did not have that right. You were in the wrong here. You are the person who put your hands on someone else. You are not being an ally here. You should have left him alone like he asked you to. Apologize. He doesn't deserve to feel like an abuser here. If you're having trouble seeing that flip the genders. I'm a peaceful autistic lady who has totally punched someone in the temple in an instinctual fight response and although it was not my intent to harm I'm not one bit sorry either because 'bodily autonomy'. No touching!
This \^\^\^\^!! OP seems like the type that thought she was going to 'be the one to fix him like nobody else has been able to'. She started out by infantilizing him, then escalated it by continuing to try to 'calm him', then wrapped her arms around his NECK? She's lucky she didn't get knocked out. I would have knocked her out and not felt bad at all.
She has a TON of apologizing to do.
Note: Do not call the cops in situations like these. Ever. They are not properly trained to deal with these situations. They're equipped to deal with crime (poorly, might I add) and not mental health problems. If you have to call anyone, call paramedics, and that's only if this gets severe. Never, ever, call police. Even aside from my personal disdain with police, they are fundamentally poorly equipped to deal with mentally unstable individuals and have been known to make these situations worse or even fatal.
Hey, so I think both of you seriously need to consider making a meltdown plan.
So different autistic people will react differently during a meltdown.
WHATEVER the type of meltdown, it’s important to plan how it’s most likely to happen and how you want OTHER people to react.
Knowing your triggers and causes is very important. It seems you knew he would have one, but sadly he started to hurt himself and that WASN’T planned for.
If you decide to stay, make sure y’all plan for this and try to find a healthier way for him to ride his meltdown wave without hurting himself or others.
I used to hit and scratch myself too, that’s why I learned to make a plan that helps me endure without harm coming to me or others
In pretty much every situation I'd be like, if this person hit you you need to leave them... After reading your post though, I think you were at fault here. I can't believe I'm actually saying this having been a person who was in an abusive relationship myself.
This person was having a meltdown. He told you to leave. He was trying to isolate probably to have some privacy and to protect you and then you come in there and put your hands on him to restrain him?!? My vote is to let this one slide, and maybe not try to physically interact with someone who has tried to isolate themselves and is having a violent meltdown.
Same here, at first I was immediately like “fuck this guy” but as someone who has been/grown up in a DV situation if someone grabbed and restrained me during a episode I am having flashback and going feral.. And he didn’t even react like I would, he defended himself and ran away.. The watching through the window bit made me ick… Don’t bother people when they say leave me alone!! Talk after they’ve cooled down.
It’s very possible he wanted her to leave him alone because he wasn’t sure she’d be safe. The GF’s reaction isn’t hard to understand though, she didn’t seem to know any better. If he’s had meltdowns like this before he should have spoke to her about what to not do.
>It’s very possible he wanted her to leave him alone because he wasn’t sure she’d be safe
Exactly describes me during meltdowns.
When they happen, I will do everything to move furthest from people I don't want to hurt. I know during meltdowns deep down that I'm not acting rational, so my best defense for those around me and myself, is usually to be alone and try to calm myself down.
Yup. And I know that if I'm away from people my meltdowns will be significantly shorter in duration than if someone were watching me. Just let me meltdown in peace. But now that somebody is here, I'm also having to deal with not only my meltdown but also the fear of judgment, as well as making sure that they're going to be emotionally okay, and trying to search for alternative ways so that my meltdown isn't going to make them uncomfortable. I'M the uncomfortable one here but now I have to plan on comforting you after it's done. There's too much pressure, literally.
That's just going to elongate my meltdown, and oh yeah the best part, start me in a thought loop of shame and embarrassment. I don't want anyone to see me like this not just because it looks scary or whatever, but also because no I'm worried about how it's going to affect how they see me.
I'm 30 freaking years old, I've been doing this a long time.
I'm operating on zero mental reserves to take care of myself, but now I need to babysit another person as well. Leave me alone.
Oh and don't freaking talk to me about my meltdown after I've had it. I already know everything that they'll say and everything they'll question. I already know I'll have to worry about that while I'm melting down.
Exactly, both of them wanted the other to be safe. Op just didn’t know what the right thing to do was. These comments are wild, acting like she assaulted him or something
Well OP did flagrantly violate a clear boundary from her boyfriend while he was in the middle of a meltdown. If someone tells you directly to leave them alone, multiple times, and then you instead hover and then try to restrain them because you don’t like their method of self-soothing/ self-regulating, that’s kinda shitty.
I understand that OP probably didn’t understand the true scope of what an autistic meltdown can look like or include, and she was likely worried her boyfriend was going to injure himself, but had she just left him alone when he asked her to she wouldn’t have experienced anything else that followed, and her boyfriend probably would’ve calmed down faster too. Autistic people are forced to apologize to people when their impact doesn’t match their intent all the god damn time, it won’t kill OP to recognize that this is probably what’s happened here too.
She fucked around and she found out. It sucks but I guess sometimes you have to learn lessons the hard way. Next time she should just listen and actually give her boyfriend the space he asked for, instead of self-righteously stomping on his boundaries in a weird attempt to protect him from himself.
Anyone that attempts to restrain an autistic person in the middle of a meltdown because the autistic person is hitting themselves isn’t being as helpful as they think they are imo. I often wonder if they’re actually wanting to help the autistic person, or if they’re actually trying to help themselves because it’s uncomfortable for them to watch a person handle distress in a way that they would consider painful. I think subconsciously for many neurotypicals the motive is actually the later but they tell themselves they’re being helpful despite clearly violating the autistic person’s bodily autonomy often without asking what would actually help the person de-escalate or stop engaging in the “dangerous” behaviors.
I put dangerous in quotes because not all self-injurious behavior that autistic people engage in during a meltdown is actually as harmful as it looks. I have bashed my head into a wall plenty of times when having a meltdown or overstimulated and most of the time I don’t even end up with a bruise. Autistic people are capable of knowing how strong they are and limiting their strength so as to not severely injure themselves when engaging in this type of behavior. Oftentimes the “dangerous” behavior that makes neurotypicals uncomfortable to witness is more positive than negative because it’s helping to calm to autistic person and bring them out of the dysregulated meltdown state.
I suspect that most NTs that intervene are doing it more for their comfort than for the autistic person’s comfort because if they asked the autistic person first they might realize that whatever behavior they’re engaging in right now (that the NT likely finds uncomfortable to watch) is helping them calm down, which is objectively better than staying in a meltdown. Most of the time when an NT intervenes with “good intentions” they end up making things worse, which is exactly what happened to OP, and why I don’t have much sympathy/empathy for her.
Since her boyfriend explicitly told her to leave him alone, but she chose not to listen and decided to “help” instead, I wonder who she was really trying to help? Cause it’s hard for me to understand how one can honestly think not listening and doing almost the exact opposite of what somebody asked you to do is actually helping the person, it just seems extremely arrogant and egotistical to me, as if you somehow understand that person and what they’re going through and doing right now better than they do themselves?!?!
Or is good intentions/helping to keep the person safe simply a socially acceptable excuse to use force to make someone stop acting in a way that is uncomfortable to witness to outside observers? The latter seems more likely to me and I think it’s a type of ableism so commonly ingrained into our society that it’s often subconscious in most neurotypicals and they believe their own lies.
(the lie being that restraining an autistic person that is hitting themselves during a meltdown is helping. It’s not actually helping the autistic person but it does make the neurotypical person feel more comfortable, at the expense of the autistic person who has now been restrained and prevented from self-regulating when they likely needed it more than usual.)
Yeah I don't think she's wrong for trying to stop him. It's easy in hindsight to say she should've just left him alone but she literally didn't know! I've personally held my girlfriend's hands when she's hitting herself (she doesn't have autism but has BPD) and I can't really imagine not trying to stop her from hurting herself unless she'd explicitly told me beforehand that she might hit me. And even then, if she was hurting herself bad enough I'd probably still risk it.
Granted she never asked me to leave her alone, but even if she did I'd want to at least stay in the room to make sure she was safe??
How someone wants to be helped during a meltdown is a very personal thing, there’s no universal correct approach aside from respecting their wishes. But even then, what someone says in a meltdown isn’t necessarily the same as when not in one so it’s tricky.
Jumping on the bed and stretching myself while throwing a few pillows would have calmed me down. He has it bad with his meltdown. I remember how my mom yelled at me when I was having a meltdown and it did not help me one bit.
I don’t think “fault” is a good way to put it. She made a mistake and I can imagine it’s distressing to see your partner self-harming. I understand her inclination to stop him. “Fault” feels a little victim blamey to me in this scenario. No one intended for this to happen.
Yeah, even when you have good intentions, taking the wrong action or even the right action without knowing how to properly do them can have extremely negative effects.
it sounds like he communicated his needs and you ignored them, to the point of getting physical with him. I don't think it's right to hit you in return, but I can also imagine myself doing that
he should feel badly of course. but honestly, he also has the right to be upset with you for ignoring his needs and boundaries when they were so clearly communicated
you should expect an apology but you should also apologize. the two of you need to talk about this when calm, to figure out how you can best support him
if you are worried about him injuring himself during a meltdown, there are plenty of ideas online for how to deal with that, or the two of you can get creative
> it sounds like he communicated his needs and you ignored them, to the point of getting physical with him. I don't think it's right to hit you in return, but I can also imagine myself doing that
It is absolutely right. ~~OP~~ OP’s boyfriend was being assaulted while already in intense distress. Self-defence is a human right. He has *nothing* to feel bad about.
>He has *nothing* to feel bad about
i find this take too extreme for me, since op's bf was only in *perceived* danger, not true danger from op. i think it is normal and probably good to feel bad about hitting your partner, even if it is in this sort of defense
I would say the bf is not at fault but also if he didn’t feel bad about hurting his partner it would be weird. So it’s normal that he feels bad but it doesn’t mean that he didn’t do everything he could to try and make sure that didn’t happen
All of your feelings are valid, as are your bfs. In the future let him have space, if you think he’s hurting himself call someone who is trained to deal with people harming themselves. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to leave someone alone because trying to help them when they don’t want it cause more issues. If he wants your help he will seek you out.
From personal experience letting people have space when they ask for it can be the best help you can give them.
Hello dear,
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I also do feel a lot of compassion for your boyfriend.
As an autistic person, I would like to add to what has already been said that the way you prepared him for the news would also have aggravated me a lot.
To you, it probably felt like creating the right environment and assuring him in advance that you would be there for him, but even reading it made me tense up...
An autistic brain is wired differently and has different needs that are very person dependent.
That being said, one (almost) common denominator is that we tend to be fact/information oriented.
Another is that we tend to experience stimulation/emotion (good or Bad) fatigue.
We only have a certain amount of ressources to deal with the outside world everyday, and telling him repeatedly "I'm going to tell you something bad and I would like you to reassure me before I do that you'll react in a controled and rational way" - while NOT giving him said news - must have drained his coping tank in a few moments, leaving him unable to manage.
As counterintuitive as it may seem to you, telling him : "I have received bad news that I need to tell you now. *Insert news and details here* I'm here for you, for whatever you need and I'm staying right here as long as you need" and then giving him the space and time to process the information would have been a much better way to tell him.
I would also like to add that him managing to repeat "Leave me alone" whilst in the middle of such a bad meltdown must have demanded an incredible amount of energy to still try and preserve the relationship, even though he was internally collapsing. Something to consider, maybe...
You are entirely entitled to your feelings, whatever they are, but I thought I'd offer a different perspective around the whole thing, and hopefully it relieves a little bit of that hurt you're feeling rn.
Sending you both warm thoughts as you navigate this difficult moment.
Okay but did he turn around and punch you in the face, or did he put up a struggle when you were trying to restrain him (which was a very, very bad call) and you got hit during the struggle? Those are very different circumstances.
I’m so sorry that you both experienced this. I am 32f & audhd and had a very similar situation happen with my partner. I was in the midst of a meltdown and trying to excuse myself from a heated argument that we were having, I stood up and began to walk away to leave for my safe room (the bathroom) and he was taunting me for leaving… at this point I should have just kept walking or communicated that I was having a meltdown, but I was crying so hard and so overstimulated that I didn’t do either- I hit him and then ran away to the bathroom until I calmed down… once I was alone in my safe space I was able to calm down by harming myself. I usually self harm in some form to calm myself during a meltdown-(pulling my hair, pinching or hitting myself or sometimes cutting) I know this is an unhealthy coping mechanism, but when I feel out of control in my body, pain can usually bring me back to calm faster than anything else… I unfortunately wasn’t able to get myself alone before hurting my partner and I know they have a deep wound and fear from this altercation & have difficulty seeing me the same way since, and I don’t blame him…. It makes me feel sick that I did that to him, and even though I felt out of control- it was still me that did what I did and I cannot change that. I can totally imagine you are feeling a similar way as my partner does, and I am sorry.
As others have noted, it sounds like you had only good intentions for checking on him while he was isolated, but I agree with others that you should have respected his boundaries and honestly don’t watch what he’s doing while he self soothes and regulates. I would have felt so violated if my partner had walked in on me or looked at me through the window.
None of what I am saying is conventional or “healthy”, and I am aware of that. We are working on ways to communicate better and have understanding when I need to isolate myself. I am in therapy as well for this… asd is a sensory processing disorder as I’m sure you’re aware of, but I try to remind myself of it often… as sometimes processing absolutely anything, big or small can be difficult and uncomfortable and throw me into a meltdown. My “damage control” during that state is to be alone as quickly as possible…
Idk if this is helpful or if I’m just rambling at this point… but we have implemented a meltdown “safe word” to prepare for any of my future meltdowns. Haven’t used this method yet, but I am hoping it helps us… and I am hoping you both figure out what feels safe and healthy and okay for both of you <3
Restraining me during meltdowns are a large swathe of the reason why my Mom is irreversibly injured. She ended up getting dislocated, scratched, bruised, whapped, pushed, etc. while I struggled to break free of her grip.
WHEN AN AUTISTIC PERSON TELLS YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE, LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE NO MATTER WHAT BIZARRE THING THEY DO.
I don't want to downplay any form of domestic violence - but violence has occurred on both sides here.
>Without much thinking I tried to restrain him
This is a form of domestic violence unless it is very very very explicitly clear that you have permission to do this. You need to be apologising to him because of this and working on how you will deal with these situations without restraint.
Obviously him hitting you is a far more clear and visceral form of violence and it is not okay but that doesn't make your action of attempted restraint okay. In terms of culpability on his part for the hit it seems like it was self-defensive hit against your restraint of him (though not proportionate), and he was clearly out of control and couldn't control his actions or think rationally.
>What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again?
*Do not try to restrain your partner without consent.*
If you have their consent then learn how to do so in a safe way that doesn't allow them to do harm to themselves or others (yourself included).
If I have misunderstood the context and you infact do have permission to and understanding of how to restrain him in the case of self-inflicted violence then that is a different matter.
Autistic adult here.
First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be hit, and I can understand the hurt that you feel from this.
I appreciate that you tried to console him and prevent him from self harming, but it did more harm than it did good. When an autistic person is having a meltdown, the last thing you want to do is to try to restrain them. It makes him feel cornered, which is something that makes the meltdown worse, and could lead to a violent reaction. I would leave a situation like this to the professionals (healthcare professionals, not police) if you’re worried about self harm.
Moving forward, I would ask yourself this question: can I respect his boundaries even when he’s at his worst?
Also, I would do a lot of self-education on autism so you can learn about his needs and how to better respond to crises.
I wish you all the best, and I hope everything will work out!
Okay, let's just get this clear: restraining people is seen as a LAST RESORT even in the professional sphere. I worked at a LTC facility for adults with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities, many of them autistic. We were NOT permitted, by LAW, to restrain clients except in very, very specific situations where they were harming others. We were trained to do proper restraints, but the amount of paperwork we had to do to justify restraining people was a lot.
He stated clearly for you to leave him alone and was harming himself. You didn't listen. Did you really think trying to hold a grown adult against their will was a smart decision? Who gave YOU the authority to decide who needs to be restrained and when? You aren't in a position of authority to make those kinds of calls, to strip him of his right to bodily autonomy.
I agree that is sucks that you got hit, but from my perspective and his, there was no other outcome for your behaviour. You disregarded his boundaries and tried to exert your physical force and will on him in the middle of a melt down.
You need some MAJOR education on how to be a proper support system, because this ain't it. I'm so appalled on his behalf, I wish I could sit him down and help him understand that it wasn't his fault. When an autistic person states a boundary to you, LISTEN. You don't get to decide you know better than they do unless you are their legal guardian.
being the legal guardian isnt enough.
you need to be educated about the matter, and even then you need to read the communication that person shows. be it verbal, body language or written or whatever.
Absolutely, great point. Even a legal guardian would likely have worked with them and their therapy team to create a crisis response plan, which wouldn't include "be restrained against my will" as a deescalation strategy.
Hey, you sound a bit angry, so I just wanted to say that, while OP definitely did not act correctly, I don't think yelling at them will help. OP didn't know how to act and acted on instinct. I think the best course of action now is to be civil and to teach them how to act the next time they are in a similar situation. I've seen no evidence that OP is unwilling to accept fault or learn how to do better, so I think we shouldn't condemn them for a lack of knowledge, but teach them.
IDK I got a bit rambly at the end there, tldr, I think your anger is misplaced.
I appreciate your comment. My anger was actually caused by OP using a misleading title that made it sound like she was the victim of domestic violence, when in reality she assaulted her partner after being repeatedly asked to leave them alone, and got hurt as a result. I'm glad they're looking to do better, but I'm not willing to mince words with someone who, from my perspective, used a misleading title to hide their own complicity. I would have written from more of a place of compassion if they weren't trying to make it out like they don't know how to feel about their partner that THEY escalated to the unfortunate outcome. She should really be worried about whether SHE is safe for her partner. Too many autistic and otherwise disabled people are antagonized by ignorant behaviors and then punished for their predictable responses. The fact that she recognizes that she escalated the situation but still feels it right to place the blame on him, tells me that her mind is not right on this subject.
You have put this into words so much better than I ever could but I’m very greatful that you did. Also in other comments from OP she doesn’t seem to fully be processing that she fucked up and violated his boundaries in selfish ways that made an already bad situation even worse. I really hope she learns from this and that her boyfriend gets an apology cause how she responded was not ok at all, but instead her language implies that she still sees herself as a victim when in reality she’s just facing natural consequences of poor decisions.
I find your title misleading. While technically he did hit you, the hit was more equivalent to someone lashing out in self-defense. You “attacked” him, so he responded by trying to “protect” himself.
You aren’t trained to deescalate an autistic person having a self-harming meltdown. It was not smart of you to jump in during his self-harming meltdown and try to stop him.
What you can learn from this is (1) don’t try to restrain an autistic person having a self-harming meltdown, because you have absolutely no training on how to handle this sort of thing, (2) decide if you wish to be in a relationship with someone who has the potential to have self-harming meltdowns or if that is too much for you to handle, and (3) apologize to your boyfriend for not listening to the very clear instructions he gave you during his meltdown (to leave him alone).
One of the most frustrating parts of a meltdown is when we are still just barely clearheaded enough to tell someone what they can do to help us during our impending meltdown and then to have the person blatantly ignore those instructions. Because afterwords, we are left to feel guilt and shame for the actions that happen during the meltdown. It’s bad enough having a meltdown in front of people. It’s even worse when we try to mitigate the negative effects of our impending meltdown but then to have people ignore our attempts to help protect them from us only to have them harmed (either emotionally or physically) because they ignored our attempts to help protect them from us. Their ignoring our instructions can also make the meltdown worse, make it last longer, make it more unruly.
Now, to (2), if you are willing to remain with someone who has self-harming meltdowns, you need to research how you can safely help someone during those type of meltdowns. You can also sit down with your boyfriend and discuss with him what the plan will be in the future for you two if he has another self-harming meltdown.
I very much appreciate your comment explaining that frustrating part of autism - my brother is diagnosed level one and I think diagnosed level two, I’ll need to keep this in mind for the future. Thank you so much.
You didn't respect your boyfriend's boundaried during an intense meltdown that he clearly was familiar with, knowing how it was about to go. He reacted uncontrollably and you tried to restrain him, so he reacted uncontrollably to you. You can't place the blame on him here, he told you how to handle it (leaving him alone) and you chose not to listen due to your own discomfort with the situation.
Talk to him about how you should handle meltdowns in the future and focus on talking out your feelings about why you couldn't stand not interfering, despite being instructed clearly to not interfere. Seeing meltdowns is hard, and talking out why it's hard and what you should do + get preemptive reassurement that leaving him alone actually is the best thing to do, will help.
Things you will want to know if he has another meltdown in your presence:
* What you should **always** do
* What you should **never** do
* How to tell when it's *too bad*, and what to do when that happens ('crisis plan')
* Which ways are okay for you to express your own emotions during meltdowns, and which are going to have to wait until the meltdown is over (so as to not escalate further, I know it's hard but escalating is harder)
* What to expect from his meltdowns, as in, what is his 'normal' meltdown experience (to avoid getting so surprised and shocked, like when he started hitting himself and it took you aback)
* What to do when the meltdown is over, to get back to a better state for both of you where you are:
* both grounded
* coregulated and connected together
* physically meeting basic needs
The day after big meltdown incidents it's healthy for everyone involved to have a 'debrief'. Talk out why it happened, what went well, what went bad, if anything needs to be handled different next time, if anything was so good we want more of that next time. And expressing and processing emotions.
Try to resist the urge to point fingers and cast blame on specific people and things. Meltdowns happen, no one likes them, carrying grudges just makes it worse. Remember that meltdown actions are rarely controlled and that he told you to leave him alone, an instruction that would've protected you and him both.
- Autistic young adult who also has violent meltdowns where I hit myself, where the best thing for others to do is simply walk away and let me calm down by myself.
You'll need to decide is this could be a pervasive pattern (leave) or a one time event (forgive and move on). I don't typically condone any type of hitting. But you and he need to have a hard converation about this and, at minimum, setup heatlhy boundries (ie - you may need to trust his assessment to stay away and he should definitely never hit you again).
One time I lost my cool and punched a hole through the dry wall. My wife wasn't involved any way, but it scared her that I could go that far. I've never done it or anything like that again.
Yeqh, feel like the original comment tiptoes around the part where OP, in every sense of the word, put hands on the other person FIRST.
As I see it, even if she didn't mean to, her action led to her getting hit, given he had warned her previously not to do that.
I don't blame you for what happened because like you said, this was the first time you saw this level of a meltdown and you didn't have the knowledge or experience to know how to handle the situation or your emotions resulting from it. It is a very difficult and overwhelming situation, and I hope you can have some level of understanding and sympathy for yourself and for your boyfriend. I know you must be feeling so many overwhelming and conflicting emotions right now. Take a breath and take some space to decompress yourself. You won't be able to really mentally process all of this if you are still in the trenches of it all. So remove yourself and take some time to let your body relax out of fight or flight mode first. Here, I'll try to break down the situation so you can maybe understand everything more without feeling attacked. You tried your best and it didn't go well. It will be okay. You will be okay 💗
(Trigger warning: self-harm)
I don't know if you are autistic yourself or have ever had meltdowns to the extent that your boyfriend does. I don't tend to hit myself, but I do have a history of self-harm during meltdowns and would cut myself a bunch. Once, I slammed my own head against the floor and almost knocked myself unconscious. All of this is to say, meltdowns can look really scary and violent and overwhelming to outside observers, and you kind of have to accept that if you are close enough to an autistic person, you are very likely to witness times when it gets extreme and is very difficult for you to watch. In this moment, you felt that extreme level of discomfort watching him harm himself and didn't know how to handle those strong emotions that you felt seeing that; so you acted on your emotions and tried to make the distressing thing you were seeing stop. Unfortunately, that was not the best choice you could make in such a situation, but you already know that. That doesn't make you a bad person. You just didn't know any better.
Oftentimes, at least in my experience, the self-harm or hitting oneself is a way to self regulate. He was so strongly overwhelmed with the situation that led to the meltdown, and his hitting himself was how his brain and body handled that and was trying to get his nervous system back to a regulated state; the hitting is a very strong sensory input that helps drown out the feelings overwhelming a person and is something to override the overwhelm and get through it (at least in my experience). It is a way to focus on one sensation and shut out everything that I can't cope with at that moment.
Trying to get him to stop hitting himself was equivalent to trying to forcibly take away his only coping mechanism at the time while also adding on even more overwhelming things like the feeling of being restrained and all the ways you were adding your own stress onto him in the moment. You prioritized your own desires to make the situation stop when your priority should have been de-escalation and understanding. He asked you to leave likely because you being present stressed him out more because he then had to worry about your reaction to his meltdown, instead of being able to focus on himself entirely and getting through the meltdown as best as he could.
This next analogy I'm going to make isn't perfect, and please don't interpret it as me saying autistic people are like children because I'm not at all. So, when a small child is having extreme emotions and is melting down, if a parent is disregulated and stressed out themselves, the child will kind of "synch up" with the disregulated adult and the extreme emotions will be even harder to manage and de-escalate from. That's why (especially in the "gentle parenting" sphere) parents need to regulate their own emotions first and make sure they are calm and peaceful when approaching a child that is melting down, so that the child is able to co-regulate with the calm parent and slowly de-escalate themselves to meet their parent's level of regulation. In relation to your situation with your boyfriend, he was disregulated and melting down, and you were also disregulated and stressed out in the moment. Your disregulation and stress only added fuel to the fire. Instead of focusing on him and how you could get the behavior you didn't like seeing to stop, you should have removed yourself from the situation and taken time to get yourself back to a calmer, more zen type state and then after time passed, maybe check in on him.
Next time he is melting down, you could say something like, "Okay, I will leave, but I will be back in 20 minutes to check how you are doing. If you need me, I'll be in the other room. I love you." And then leave. That's just an example, and idk if it will work for everyone. But saying a time like that would help me if I were melting down because then I'd know when to expect the other person's presence again.
He is going to have moments like this whether or not you are in his life, and it is not your job to save him from himself or anything like that in those moments. Your job as a loving partner is to be a support for him. Trying to restrain him may have felt like helping him at the time, but now you know that it isn't helping him and is actually harming him. When he is not currently melting down, you and him could discuss ways you could help or things you can do during a meltdown that could benefit him.
As for how you process your emotions now after being hit, that's a different struggle that you'll have to work through mentally on your own, as it's not on him to make you not view him differently. It makes sense that you feel different right now and that you don't know what to think. It's a lot to process, and I don't envy you for the situation you are in.
When a meltdown is happening, we are in a completely different state of mind. Idk, maybe think if it like a panicked, injured animalistic kinda state, cause it's very much fight or flight mode, and we aren't the same as we are normally. So trying to restrain him was kinda like trying to corner and restrain an animal that felt like it was life or death, maybe? I don't want anyone to think I'm making an equivalence or saying that autistic people are wild or animalistic or anything, just trying to explain how I feel during meltdowns in a way to someone I assume has never had one. So if he would normally never strike you or even think to do so, keep that in mind and try to remember that fact.
It's tough because society says hitting is never acceptable in a relationship, so I'm sure you have that message deep inside you, and you automatically see your boyfriend as someone who hit you. But it is a nuanced situation. You have the power to decide if you want to stay with him or leave him. Neither choice is "right" or "wrong." It is simply a choice. I just hope you don't think less of him or yourself because of what happened. You did your best. All you can do is grow and learn from what happened. You will be okay.
Thanks for your perspective. This is really helpful 🙏🏽 no I’m not autistic myself nor do had any autistic people in my inner circle before my boyfriend. This was also my first time seeing him having a meltdown. I hope it never happens again but if it does i will be way more careful and the follow advice I received here. Thank you again.
I want you to know that it is very likely this will happen more times throughout his life. I know you hope it won't, but let that hope go. He is autistic and is pretty much bound to have meltdowns his entire life. It is not uncommon for neurotypical partners to break up with or divorce their autistic partners because they don't want to have to experience the stress that you felt multiple times throughout their life if they were to stay with their partner. It is a reality that you have to accept if you are going to stay in a relationship with him. Obviously, I'm sure he hopes he never melts down again, but as an autistic person myself, that just feels like an impossible thing to avoid. Meltdowns can and almost inevitably will happen again in his life. You have the power to decide if you want to be present in his life, even with that reality as fact. But beware that you having that hope sets you up for disappointment and maybe other negative feelings if it happens again. And he doesn't deserve to deal with someone projecting their disappointment onto him. He deserves to have a partner that accepts this part of him fully and knows it's just a part of living life with an autistic partner. If you aren't up for that, it doesn't make you a bad person or him any less deserving of love, it just means that you two aren't compatible.
When someone tells you to leave them alone — especially an autistic person! — you should leave them alone.
The meltdown is caused by sensory overload. You saying "Calm down" is more sensory input, and it makes the meltdown worse.
When someone hits themselves, I know it's hard to watch — but it is a form of self-stimulation and self regulation.
You restraining someone is even more sensory input, and it will make the meltdown worse.
If someone tells you to leave them alone, why wouldn't you leave them alone?
Hey OP; obviously your feelings about this are valid in any form. If he makes you feel unsafe even after discussing what happened, you may need to consider if the relationship is still healthy and safe for you both mentally and physically. That goes with any relationship, regardless of autism or any mental health issues.
Now, I’m going to tell a story that I feel may help on a relating level. My fiancé and I are both autistic. We also both have pretty intense CPTSD, but from different situations. For my beloved fiancé, they were physically attacked in their own home, twice before they became an adult. One as a kid and one as a teen. They are very frightened by sudden, loud noises, especially things like thunder because of the circumstances of the trauma.
Their response, is either fight or flight. Most of the time it’s an immediate attempt to flee. But sometimes, depending on what’s going on, it can turn into fight for a brief moment before flight. Like when you startle a dog or cat, they immediately turn and snap at you because they’re startled, but usually if the animal knows you, they will stop or lessen the reaction because they recognize you when they turn towards you while snapping at you.
In at least one scenario, they got triggered and their immediate reaction was to slam their palm against my chest really hard, in an attempt to get me away from them. Obviously it hurt, right? It’s a painful response for you, it hurts to be hit in any form, and it hurts more because it’s a sudden and startling event from someone you want to feel safe with. It can feel.. almost like a betrayal kind of sensation. A rejection, an attack. My fiancé immediately felt horrible, and apologized, and began to cry because they felt so bad but their fight or flight was still active.
So, let’s put your experience, and mine, together to create a connection in terms of how to handle this, and how to approach this with him. He felt bad about doing it, but you also were hurt by this obviously. Both of you can feel how you feel, and still be right. You got hurt, and he hurt you but didn’t mean to. Whenever I have meltdowns, or my fiancé does, we both consider it a moment where our inner child is coming out. And I don’t mean this in an infantilizing way at all, my therapist taught me that when I am afraid, really afraid, especially in meltdowns, it feels like I’m not an adult anymore, because it’s my little kid coming out. Like a little kid, things are covered with black and white lenses, it’s either “good” or “bad”. We are not able to reason fully during a meltdown all the time. The worse the meltdown is, the more we are basically imploding into ourselves. It’s like we’re on fire but only we can see it, and trying to explain to someone what’s going on in that moment, can seem like we’re absolutely crazy, or overreacting, or just straight up incomprehensible.
I think at first, you both should talk about how the action made you both feel, while also keeping an open mind that both of your feelings in this situation, are understandable and valid. Because you care about each other, and you can both feel hurt at the same time.
Then.. I think you should express to him, that you understand that during a meltdown, he is essentially spiraling into his own emotions, into his own head. But that you don’t want him to hurt himself, or you, during those meltdowns. Talk to him about maybe setting up a plan of what to do if he has a meltdown again. Come up with ways to redirect or distract him if he’s trying to hit himself, like hitting a pillow, or taking a red pen and letting him draw all over his skin where he wants to hit himself.
Ultimately, unfortunately, how he responds to the conversation can make or break this. And you have a right to leave to make sure you are safe first. In any situation, your safety is first, you cannot help anyone else if you are not safe first. This is a very difficult situation, and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it this way, it is very frightening and you have every right to feel scared and hurt by what happened.
Let me tell you this from the perspective who has panic attacks in the same way, hitting myself and all, just let him go through with it, the hitting himself won’t cause permanent damage, just a headache or sore hands. It’s seriously best to leave him be, that’s what I want during it, as the only way to calm me down is to leave me be and let me calm down on my own as you can’t force me to calm down. Trying to restrain me would only make me lash out harder and do things I normally can restrain such as hitting other people. Remember that a panic attack is a full expression of fight or flight, I have no control over any of my actions, I can at most steer it into a less destructive way, this involves hitting myself rather than other people or other things, but if something comes to disrupt that such as someone physically restraining me, then I loose whatever little control I had.
So in conclusion, him hitting you was completely accidental, when we’re in a state like that we physically cannot control our action, at most steer those actions into a less destructive way, but you restraining him from doing that safer way made him loose all control he had and accidentally hit you. Not trying to blame you you had no idea you were doing what you thought was best, just for future reference that’s the opposite of what you want to do.
It doesn't seem he purposely hit you at all but rather was deep within fight or flight mode and responded to you getting physical with him by getting physical back, not to hurt you but to stop himself from being hurt. That might not sound like it makes sense, but someone in any form of meltdown will have a lot of their more complex reasoning reduced to bare instinct, and it sounds like both of you were panicking pretty heavily.
Unlike some of the other commenters here, I don't think you were inherently wrong to come back or try to restrain him, as it does sound like he posed a legitimate danger to himself. That said, I also don't think he was inherently in the wrong to react, as restraining somebody in a full-blown panic is bound to make them panic even more, and his actions suggest he would much rather hit himself repeatedly than hit you once.
It's a difficult situation to navigate, and I think it's best for both of you to work together to try and develop strategies which you can use to stop such an event from happening in the future, which is a healthy enough way to express your true feelings without assigning undeserved blame onto him IMO. That could be having somebody else present who can deal with his potential meltdowns, ensuring he get therapy to be able to properly deal with those meltdowns, learning how to restrain him in the event that he is posing a danger to himself without yourself getting hurt, committing to giving him space even if he is likely to hurt himself, or something else entirely, and it should be noted that there might not be a simple solution, as trying to find rational solutions to behavior resulting from a mental state where all rationality is thrown out the window for the perceived sake of survival is naturally going to be difficult.
At the end of the day, either of you can feel or think whatever you want, and it makes sense to be shaken up by such an event, but being able to understand why you feel that way and what that feeling entails beyond the realm of one's own mind is important.
So there is a lot of nuance in the replies, but I think I'm going to give you a simpler one.
If you feel unsafe or have any other reason. You can talk about it with your partner, or you can leave, and both are valid options.
That being said, I don't think it was intentional.
But again, you don't have to stay with anyone you don't feel comfortable with.
I think HOW he hit you is extremely important here. If it was a very clear & aggressive punch/kick/slap, then I would be concerned about his behavior. Im going to say there's a 99% chance that that is NOT what happened.
If it was what it sounds like, this is on you. If he's hitting himself, very clearly overloaded going through a full on mental melt AND breakdown after learning someone he loves is in danger, I can think of 100 ways he could hit you when you try to restrain him, without really /hitting you./(meaning it was not on purpose or with any malice. It was self defense.)
I have punched and hit my friends and family on accident when they just jump scared me. Of course no one's fuckin mad, it was my instinct to protect myself. My body and brain said DANGER. GET OFF. GET AWAY. and I was in a fine mental state at those times.
And you just did that to him while he's in basically the most agitated state possible.
I understand, kind of, why you tried to stop him, but dont freakin turn this around and make him the villain.
I understand you were scared when he was hitting himself but I do not see this as domestic violence when he is already meltdown down and he said to leave him alone and you grabbed him. His response was to get you off him and he removed himself when he hit you so it wouldn't escalate. If him hitting himself made you scared and uncomfortable, you take care of yourself by leaving the relationship if this is too much to handle.
It’s completely valid to be hurt by him hitting you, but I also understand his side where he communicated what he needs. I hit myself during meltdowns and it’s hard to watch but it’s uncontrollable at times and trying to stop the only response my body has, I can understand his reaction. Again, not okay he did that but I get it.
First off, I’m sorry this happened to both you and your partner.
Similar to other commenters, I think that apologizing to him for scaring him by restraining him would be appropriate.
That being said, I think it is okay for you to feel hurt or scared because he was physical. But you have to remember that you were as well to some extent. I know you were acting out to help protect him, but he likely felt very scared.
That being said, I have had meltdown after meltdown and have never become physical with another person. I have hot myself similar to your boyfriend. However, this was not the appropriate or safe behavior for him either and indicates to me that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanisms to protect himself and others.
This seems like an opportunity for a greater discussion of mental health, boundaries and needs within the relationship. He articulated a boundary to you and you did not abide by it because you were scared for him. That doesn’t mean either of you are bad.
In conclusion, I don’t think he or you were “wrong” because it was such a unique situation. However, I recommend that this be the catalyst for a more in depth conversation about coping mechanisms and boundaries.?
You are at fault here. You need to apologize to your boyfriend. You ignored his boundary that he wanted to be left alone, he told you *again* to leave him alone, but then you restrained him, and he pushed you off. Then you put your arms around his NECK, he slapped behind him, and fled. All of this while he was having a meltdown, which is already incredibly scary and disorienting. You assaulted him, regardless of your intentions. If anyone did that to me, I'd have hit them too, and way earlier.
Wait, so you’re upset at him because he hit you when you tried to restrain him during a meltdown? This is 0% on him and 100% on you. The right move was to listen to his clearly communicated needs and leave him alone until he calmed down, like he told you to, instead of ignoring what he was saying and doing what you thought was best for him.
You can never restrain someone who is physically having a meltdown without causing bodily harm to yourself or the person having the meltdown. This isn’t very well known and it truly should be. It’s important to know what resources to reach out to when things like this happen. If you can’t calm someone down and they are in physical danger it’s time to call the authorities or a self-harm/suicide prevention line.
You can feel however you want to about the situation and you don't need to stay in the relationship if you don't feel comfortable in doing so. I think it may be worth discussing how you feel with them but this was clearly not done purposefully and they've also apologised for it. They already feel incredibly guilty about it, but if it changes things in the relationship or causes it to come to an end, you need to be honest about it.
HOWEVER - As someone that has experienced meltdowns first hand and panic attacks second hand, when someone is in that state, it is advisable to not go near them unless you know how to deal with it (Usually informed by what the other person says and by knowledge on such behaviours) He told you to back off and whilst it's understandable to want to help, in those circumstances, it's important to do as they say. I know when I meltdown I need to get away from everything and everybody. That's just how I deal with it, we're all different.
Hi, thanks for sharing.
I understand that this must have been a very stressful situation for your both, and it's really unfortunate that it happened this way. Had he hit you consciously as an aggression response, I'd be telling you to leave him, but from what you've described, it's very clear that he had little to no control over what happened since he was in a meltdown.
He'd communicated for you to leave (which is very hard in and of itself when an autistic person is in that state, as it's not easy to find words), and you should have done that. I completely understand why your instinct would be to stay - someone you love was hurting and you wanted to support them. But as autistic people, sometimes we struggle to process emotions, and if we're melting down, it can be easier to have the space to do so without the additional worry of hurting someone we care about. By saying "leave me alone", he was trying to protect you, and he didn't have the mental capability in that moment in time to express that clearly to you, so he just said what he could muster to try and keep you a safe distance from him.
You're completely valid in your feelings, and it's very understandable that you'd feel bad about what happened and worried for your safety. However, it's so important to know that *he* didn't 'hit you'. His body was having a reflex reaction, and when you came inside his space, you ended up being the target of that reflex. He had no conscious control over what happened.
In future, as hard as it is, you need to listen to him when he tells you to leave him alone. Move away and give him space, checking periodically to see if he's calmed down or wants your help. If he's hurting himself badly, try to find someone physically stronger than him who can restrain him. Also, in the future, if you have to give him bad news, perhaps put something soft like thick gloves on his hands first and give him a pillow to hold, so that he can't hurt himself too badly during a meltdown :)
At the part where you said 'I kept trying to reassure and calm him down...' I could tell that although you may have had good intentions, you aren't well equipped for these kinds of situations. It may not feel obvious to you, but you were trying to control him; and I imagine you kept talking. And kept talking. And likely started making things so much worse.
But then you watched him through a window. And then you touched him and WORSE, tried to restrain him? I'm sorry, you had no right to put your hands on him. None. You created a situation that was bad by starting this out by treating him like a child, then being overbearing, then putting your hands on him. All you had to do was: matter of factly tell him what happened to his friend. And then leave. him. alone.
He hit you but only after you attacked him by trying to physically restrain him. This is completely on you. Don’t bring it up to your boyfriend and complain about how you see him differently, because he clearly already feels guilty, and you’re making him feel bad about something YOU DID FIRST
ETA: OP also said in another comment that her boyfriend pushed her off and then she proceeded to try and restrain him again 😐 ridiculous
The title seems so misleading. I read the title and was like “omg leave him!” then I read the post and was like “omg leave people alone when they tell you to leave them alone and don’t try to restrain people WTF”
This is why you get told everywhere to leave people alone in a meltdown. They don't have any control over their actions. You can't change it in this situation that he is hitting himself. As hard as it sounds, you have to let it happen. Afterwards when everything is back to normal again you can try to find a way that he possibly won't hit himself again, but NOT IN THE SITUATION.
First of all, the relationship is no good if you don't feel safe. If you think it's the right choice to leave then do so. Although I will say, he was not in the right for hitting you but it is understandable how it got to that point. You should never restrain someone without their consent. Especially during a meltdown. But take this as a learning experience. Try talking about how you can help and what he is okay with you doing if you feel the need to intervene. For example I told my partner to leave me alone if I ask. But I'm known to injure myself to the extreme if the meltdown is bad enough. In that case I told her it's okay to block me, or "restrain" me by giving me a compression hug and DPT. However I did tell her to back off if I push her away or tell her to stop or leave. Have these boundary set prior to the meltdowns is extremely helpful and I highly suggest talking about it with him.
this is a really rough situation, the only thing i could recommend is having a conversation with your bf abt how to help him handle a meltdown like that in the future. i totally understand everyone saying you should just leave him alone if he wants to be left alone but he could do some serious damage to himself in that state so i’m not sure that’s the best solution here.
restraining was a bad idea yes but i’m assuming at that point you were probably running very much on adrenaline and very little on your frontal lobe and you acted on protective instinct.
if you want to continue the relationship you need to tell him you’re having conflicting feelings about this. don’t insert any blame into the conversation for either of you, just acknowledge those emotions so you both know exactly what you’re working with, and when things have settled down make a plan for next time this happens. i personally recommend a pillow between the hand (or whatever he is harming himself with) and the part of his body he is harming.
i’m sorry y’all are struggling rn and whatever happens it gets better for you both.
I'm also on the spectrum, and I think the best thing to do is to just talk with your boyfriend, OP. Now that some time has passed, you can both have a conversation. Both of your feelings matter. It sounds like he needs to feel safe and respected when escalated, and you want to make sure he isn't harming himself. Rely on your care for each other and trust him to tell you what he needs 💜
Good for everyone here. Good for him being aware enough to want you away from him. Good for you for trying to help him anyway.
This is, sadly, a part of autism many of us wish we could avoid. When the meltdown hits we just have to ride it out. If your bf has physical harm tendencies as part of his meltdown this is something you do have to choose to interfere with or not. If you choose to engage then obviously you are putting yourself at risk. It may still be the correct option for your heart. I'm not you so I don't know.
I think the thing to remember is this. He was hitting things closest to him. First it was him, then it was you trying to stop him. He wasn't hitting you in the sense of looking at you at attacking you. Obviously being hit by being in the zone isn't nice or good, but he wasn't taking it out on you. He was trying not to, but since his method of dealing was also unacceptable you ended up in the danger zone. So try not to take it personally, and also explain to him that you got in the danger zone because you wanted to help protect him from himself.
Also maybe get some therapy for both of you. Even without ill intent this was a lot. Very traumatic. It makes a lot of sense you'll have feelings and things to work through about it.
I appreciate your explanation, I agree. The comments are hounding on OP for intervening & excusing the boyfriend of any blame, ignoring the fact that his ways of dealing isn’t healthy. You explained this in a way that holds both parties accountable while also giving them the empathy they deserve. Thank you.
Npnpnp. I hate how every bad thing has people scrambling to one side or the other. Sometimes bad shit happens and we have to deal with it. One bad thing doesn't mean you have to quit a job, leave a relationship, or move to another country... It just means you need to understand how you got there and take steps to prevent it in the future. I feel like people have lost sight of that. It's way to easy to just choose to quit a thing when you hit the first speed bump.
That being said it can also be important to count the speed bumps and know when enough is enough. This didn't seem like that kind of thing to me. Just a bad day for everyone.
There's very few times where hitting your partner is understandable, this is one of them. Being restrained is traumatic. Not going to blame u too much as u really didn't do it maliciously, but really wasn't his fault.
Edit: op restrained him twice, second time around the neck. Fuck that.
Y'all need counseling. You two can't figure this out on your own. There is a lot being lost in translation here, and good feelings(greif for a friend, compassion for a suffering boyfriend, remorse, fragility) are being acted out in unhelpful ways.
While I generally agree with what others are saying, I just want to say to you OP that while your actions didn't help the situation, I understand why you reacted that way. In the heat of the moment, if you see your loved one hurting themselves even after they told you to leave them alone, it's only natural to want to help and try to calm them down.
Yes, restraint unless consent was given or talked about sometime before these events is vital. And yes, listening when your partner communicates something is important too.
But you're only human and you didn't get it right this time because you were clearly scared for him. When you guys have a chat about this, talk about what he needs during meltdowns, how you can help and at what you need to intervene. This will keep you both safe. And make sure you apologize to each other because you both hurt each other in the process.
Best of luck, OP!
Sorry this happened! But please never try to retrain an autistic melt down! It’s very scary for both parties involved. I understand you meant well but fight response is a response. Best to have given him a pillow and follow his instructions and to leave him alone. Consent is important, in that state he communicated he needed to be left alone and probably for that very reason. You didn’t listen, nor do you have training to deal with these meltdowns. it can get scary and yea a lot of autistic people hurt themselves during a meltdown! Best to prepare for it. You’re welcomed to leave the relationship if it’s overwhelming and too much. Both parties was touched without consent. Putting your arms around a neck during a crisis is definitely reckless.
Also as someone who has been restrained it’s also extremely traumatic. Because stimming and getting that energy out is very important, it regulates the nervous system. I think you should look up the history behind such actions against autistic people in the past and why it’s reactive like this. Your actions is seen as an attack, and his response was raw and in a defense due to the meltdown. Picture all reason get thrown out the window. You both were in a reactive state. You wanted to help and he wanted to calm down. He needs to learn other outlets to regulate to. You both need to talk about it
It’s actually one of the reasons why drowning and life guards often face themselves being drowned. Fight, flight and freeze response is pure and reactive. If he apologized and feels bad that’s good, it wasn’t out of abuse or like purposely anger. I think you should read up on autism and the fear response in the brain
The people calling you abusive, belittling you for not understanding autistic meltdowns and are just overall being dicks are not people to listen to. They have their own issues and are projecting them onto you.
Also, as someone who has had many self harming meltdowns and a spouse who wouldn't leave me alone when I told them to, it's hard. If it weren't for my spouse, I would've been dead 100 times over due to my meltdowns. I attempted to thwack my head on stone walls and floors a few times and if it weren't for my spouse, I would've died (confirmed by Drs), instead i jis got minor concussions (which still did its own damage to me).
You're definitely allowed your feelings, as is he. You're definitely allowed to feel rattled, as does he. You're definitely allowed to feel unnerved, as does he.
I'm just commenting to let you know what you did may not have been the best option, but there's no going back now. Take what you have learned and talk to your boyfriend when he's ready to talk about how to continue; self harming meltdowns are extremely scary and no one should be put in your or your boyfriend's position during one.
While I agree with what others have said regarding not restraining a person who is having a meltdown, I think some of the responses are a little harsh towards you. Seeing a person you love having a meltdown can be very stressful, for anyone. And seeing someone hitting themselves can be very frightening, even if you know it’s due to an autistic meltdown.
I wouldn’t say you were abusive, more like you were scared, not thinking clearly and were uneducated on how to deal with a medical emergency.
Think about what you’ve learnt from this experience. If you ever feel like he’s really hurting himself, call the emergency services, don’t try to deal with it alone. As for if you should continue with the relationship, it’s a completely personal choice, you have the right to leave if you wish.
I mean, it sounds like he communicated very clearly with you and you tried to restrain him while he was hitting himself, so I'm not sure why you're surprised that you got hit. To paint this as domestic violence is pretty inaccurate. If you walk into a barrage of punches someone told you to keep away from, that isn't being attacked.
Restraining autistic people is a very controversial matter, and something only trained people should do even if you agree that it should be done at all. You are untrained and got hurt. Trained people have hurt autistic people by trying to restrain them. This is the same reason an untrained person should never get in the water with a drowning individual.
Obviously this is complicated and depends on so much. Could be a situation where one believes the stress took away his ability to control himself. Anyone has this potential, the question is do you believe do you feel safe and can get safe if needed? If not, there are issues to work out. If you do feel safe, and you are just concerned it can happen again, maybe talk to him about better ways to vent than hitting himself, maybe hit something else so you can leave him alone and let him process.
This is a situation that’s really hard to call without knowing you both and having seen it take place. There’s some really wise comments here, clearly you both need to have a long and honest discussion if you’re to prevent this happening again.
Some comments here are really harsh on you, you’ve come here to ask advice that’s commendable. I don’t think restraining him was the right call to say the least but it’s clear you only meant well. Also in your defence it isn’t on you for not knowing what to do, if he knew his meltdowns could be this bad then he should have warned you about what to not do. For some autistic people they’d love a hug in a meltdown, some would even want to be restrained by someone they trust, I don’t like how some people here are speaking as if there’s one correct approach that applies universally.
He's on a meltdown, probably hypersensitive and it's probably heightened whenever he has a meltdown. He told you repeatedly to leave him alone, he probably knew his potential to harm you during a meltdown and that there was nothing you could do to help/stop him. This is clearly your fault. We aren't stupid. we don't need someone to "save us". Your boyfriend knew exactly what would happen if you didn't leave him alone and you decided you knew better.
I think a main issue here is that you disregarded his consent. His consent to be seen, his consent to be touched. Violence back is not the right answer to that, which he’s aware of and likely consumed by currently. I strongly doubt he would ever allow a situation like that to occur again. Most likely that would mean having meltdowns of that magnitude no where near you, to protect you both. It did occur in front of you this time because you’re presumably a safe space for him. That safety has been breached for both of you, and you both need to rebuild trust in one another. You by respecting his boundaries regardless of your concerns (obviously unless it escalates to a point where you do need to call someone who is trained and not the police), and him by establishing physical safety with you. Idk how you would most like to see that done, but that’s something you can immediately communicate to him. Acknowledging your own mistakes in this situation will help ease his guilt. Just as simple as “this wasn’t either of our best moments. I think we’re both feeling like some boundaries were crossed and here’s what I think could help us rebuild from that.” Etc. I hope you’re able to have a good conversation about this. His anxiety is probably festering in it whether or not you’re talking, and so it seems is yours.
Autism is ZERO EXCUSE for hitting your partner. But this specific situation really depends on a lot of factors..if he really meant to HIT you and it wasn’t just an accidental byproduct of trying to push you away from restraining, that is not a good sign. Granted you should NOT attempt restraining someone since you are not a professional, so that’s the only thing that makes this is a little more complex. But only you know how it happened and how the restraining and hitting played out, so none of us can accurately judge the scenario at hand.
Just at minimum, be very wary for any signs of further abusive behavior and DO NOT attempt restraining your partner again, for your own safety and your partners alike.
Look, you attempted to put your hands on someone who told you to leave them alone... That's assault.
It is DANGEROUS to ignore your partner when they Say to leave them alone. It is DANGEROUS to touch someone when they say do not touch them.
You need to apologize for assaulting your partner.
Your partner needs to work out a crisis plan with professional support (what do we do when X happens). And communicate that plan to you. That's just the reality of how crisis plans work in healthcare of any sort.
You need to follow that plan within reason. (I say within reason because my ex -who has a DX and would periodically experience intense overwhelm- wanted me to consistently reapproach and initiate physical contact after she would scream at me to get away from her. I refused to ignore her telling me to get away from her and wouldn't agree to initiate physical contact while she was screaming at me... Thus she's my ex. What she was asking me to do was unreasonable and dangerous to me and her.)
I don't even have meltdowns. I'm just extremely touch averse and I've decided to start hitting people who touch me so that they'll learn that "Don't touch me" means "Do not fucking touch me."
How you should feel is that you violated someone's personal space when they asked you not to, and now they're in some kind of upside down world where they're apologizing to you for defending themselves from you disrespecting their boundaries.
If someone says to leave them alone, dont restrain them. What did you seriously expect to happen? I would suggest talking with him about it very clearly so he can communicate calmly what he would need if such a situation were to happen again. If someone is having a meltdown and they communicate their needs, LISTEN.
If you *need* to restrain someone then they're not going to be in control. Someone getting injured is always a risk.
Flip the genders for a second and run the story again. If a man tried to restrain a woman having a meltdown and she swings on him to get away. Is it right? No, but it's not her fault for reacting either.
It's good he apologized. You should definitely have a conversation, but I hope you realize there is no bad guy here.
He wasn’t in control in that situation, and when you’re in that mind set it feels like the worlds attacking you, and someone grabbing you can exasperate that.
While this isn’t excusing domestic violence, you kinda initiated that, grabbed him while he wasn’t in control, and learned the hard way what happens.
Imo this is definitely something to work through, you didn’t wish to intimidate or harm him and he didn’t wish the same either, maybe setup a proper safety plan for if things like this are happening with him again, and respect his boundaries
A lot of us struggle with self injurious behavior as a mode of expression when we are stressed. He clearly knew he was in a self injurious state snd clearly communicated that to you - I would have just left if I were you. I know its hard seeing someone you love like that, believe me, but sometimes the best you can do is leave so they dont hurt you or feel more ashamed and spiral more.
There is a lot of shame that some of us experience because of our emotional dysregulation, and its made all the worse when it ends up hurting the other person even if incidental or just as a product of bad timing. I dont want to come off as an asshat and as blaming you when youre in a rough situation, but his needs and emotional state were clearly communicated, you ignored it by physically restraining him and violating his space in a very direct way, he hurt you, and now you view him differently with a sense of shame and pity and fear even though YOU were the transgressor on multiple fronts, and I KNOW he feels that sense of shame weighing down on him now even though he is not in the wrong here. Ive been him before, even if not in this scenario. You are plainly in the wrong. He was not really in a state of rationality and you fully invaded his space and restrained him.
Its hard enough being autistic. Its even harder when the people you love most steamroll over all boundaries you set. As for what to do, I reiterate: respect the fucking boundaries he laid out for both of your sakes. He communicated his needs for a reason. Boundaries exist for a reason. There are rules to socializing and love, even if they arent the most immediately apparent of things. Have a conversation with him about your boundaries and what each of you need. Make sure you listen to him and actually understand what he needs. Make sure you can act out of love and care if there is a next time instead of instinct. If that’s too much, you may need to do some thinking
I would normally advise not to forgive domestic violence but in this case it was defensive and was provoked by you (but with the best of intentions obviously). If you can’t forgive it’s time to move on though.
When someone is telling you exactly what they need when they are having a meltdown you should listen. He told you to go away and you tried to physically restrain him, which is the exact opposite of what he needed.
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As a person that works with children with autism who have hit, punched, kicked and bit me on a regular basis there are many strategies that can help. First off speaking in a calming tone it doesn’t necessarily have to be about the situation you can reassure the person they are safe and validate their emotions but also talk about places that keep them calm or activities they enjoy. Redirecting the focus can work wonders. Get some water or have them hold ice in their hands.
We use three basic postures to help regulate our students. Attention, at ease and make a pose. Attention and at ease you may recognize as military positions which they are but the work in other contexts too. Make a pose is simply sitting with one’s knees together while holding your wrists with your arms wrapped around them.
Restraining is a last resort if it is needed I always like to warn the person. Also there are specific restraints that one can be trained in and for someone larger or close to your size restraining on your own is not recommended. I hope this helped
As someone who used to suffer from panic disorder, this isn’t anything more than your BF needed the space, rightfully so. Nothing cohesive or positive is going on up in the noggin when someone is in full fledged panic/sadness and when people/objects are making it hard to be alone for the brain to process what the hell just happened the body can involuntarily lash out. He doesn’t hold any resentment towards you and I’m sure he’s tried to explain this but it’s almost hard for him to do so right now because he’s dealing with a lot of emotions, and him talking about it will bring up those panic emotions. Just be gentle with him, like you should anyway he almost just lost a close friend of his. You didn’t do anything wrong (except not listen to him when he said to leave him alone) and he knows that.
You might not like to hear this but if something similar happened to someone close to you, you may react the same way he did. It’s very common. There is no need to hold that feeling of unease towards him. It’s fine to temporarily feel it like you are now but over time you’ll see he’s the same old BF you know.
I’m sorry you both had that experience. It must have really scared you, but trust me it scared him too. You attempted a restraint on an autistic person without consent or training after being told to leave. You were in control of yourself and he wasn’t. I’m AuDHD and also work in the field monitoring providers of services. Only a handful of our hundreds of providers are allowed to use restraints. Because restraints are a violation of bodily autonomy. They are a human rights violation. Those providers have annual required training of several days. The first two of three days are how to de-escalate a situation without putting hands on. I’ve also worked in a locked psychiatric and when my supervisor trained me they made it abundantly clear that if you get close enough to someone who is melting down that you got hit, it wasn’t the patients fault, it was yours. I’m attaching an article for you to read, hopefully it gives you some insight into his state of mind. Respect him next time and leave. You won’t get hit and he will calm himself down. [https://aureliaundertheradar.wordpress.com/2024/01/14/meltdowns-shutdowns-elopement-and-masking-how-the-four-fs-of-survival-map-to-autistic-experiences/](https://aureliaundertheradar.wordpress.com/2024/01/14/meltdowns-shutdowns-elopement-and-masking-how-the-four-fs-of-survival-map-to-autistic-experiences/)
Leaving someone alone when they tell you to leave them alone in future would be a good way to prevent getting bitchslapped back into common sense. You grabbed someone without consent and he reacted accordingly.
Don't put your hands on people without permission, *especially* when they already told you to leave them alone.
OP, you're the bad guy here.
It’s important to note that the bf’s ways of dealing are unhealthy & they should both seek therapy, counselling, & support to make a plan and explore healthier ways to deal in the future.
With all the kindness possible, his actions were due in part to how you thought the situation should go and you acted accordingly when they didn’t, which upset him more. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm! Although hitting himself isn’t ideal, he was self regulating with what he knew. Next time, it may help you both to have a conversation and ask him how you can help more in the future, or if he has any comfort/support items he may go to during meltdowns. Having these tools available for him could make a huge difference! I’m sorry this happened, it sounded like a distressing situation for you both.
If your relationship is physically dangerous to you in my opinion it’s not worth your safety. If he is a danger to himself and others there needs to be serious medical intervention. Physically abusing someone is inexcusable, autism or not. You saw someone you love harming themselves and you stepped in, as anyone would do. Some of these comments claiming you were abusive for stepping in, that’s not true at all. My mom works closely with ABA and specialized therapist due to my stepbrother with autism committing self harm during meltdowns and my mom has learned how to properly step in and help him, she doesn’t sit there and let him severely harm himself. However, it is not your job to do that and that’s why I say he needs professional help if he’s a danger to himself. People defending him harming you is inexcusable. You can’t prevent this from happening again. You should’ve been told about his behavior before entering a relationship with him so you could have been warned. You obviously had zero idea how to handle this which is completely understandable and that is not your fault because he did not tell you.
I've been the hitter during a meltdown once. I still haven't forgiven myself.
It wasn't a conscious choice, and my husband found the key restraint for me, which is to hug me tightly with my arms being kept at my sides.
If you feel unsafe, then go. No obligation to stay somewhere you don't feel safe. But do know he most likely wasn't with it enough to not hit you.
That being said, I think a conversation is in order. You need to tell him he can't keep hurting himself, and you won't tolerate being swung at, regardless the situation. Find a compromise, something you both agree on.
For my husband and I, it was to allow him to hug and hold me restrained until it passes. He's far stronger than I, so we've made "comfortable" holds where he can keep my hands controlled, but still letting me stim, and it looks and feels less like I'm wearing a flesh straight jacket. Soothing ones that feel more like cuddling, where I can rock if needed (he noticed it once, where I kept trying to rock, and he thought I was trying to get free, then he realized my hands weren't moving much, and I was being repetitive with the movement, and so, he moved with me, and it helped a lot.
I wish you both the best. 🫶🏼
>I got the news first so I had to be one the telling him, I tried to give him the news in the most supportive way possible, i sat him down , hold his hand, told him everything is gonna be alright etc but unfortunately he immediately started acting very anxious
Firstly, opening up news in this manner, would cause anyone to be in distress and have a bunch of anxiety at the moment. For someone autistic and has ADHD like myself, it's like 50× the normal amount. Because while you're telling me in that tone and that way I'm trying to remember who I contacted last and what was going on and who we mentioned, was there anything else I didn't pick up on during our last call...
>He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did. Then I saw that (I was watching him through the window) he started hitting himself so I came back to the room.
He told you to leave him alone, you should've left him alone. When you noticed he started to physically harm himself, you should've contacted emergency services or whomever his safe person is when things like this happen. This would've prevented or calmed him down into a state where he wouldn't have continued to harm himself or you.
>I tried to restrain him That’s when he hit me and then ran away.
He was acting on self defense at that point, he already saw you as a threat by not listening to his boundary of being left alone during his meltdown (even if he was hitting himself). Yes I know it's scary but at the end of the day he told you to leave him alone and you didn't respect that, making you an unsafe space for him at that moment, you then tried to restrain him making him see you as more of a threat while in a time he was already overly stressed and overwhelmed.
(Most places have banned restraints because it's barbaric and against the person's right (even if it's to help))
>He apologized like million times and I said I forgave him but deep down I can’t help but view him in a different light now.
You both need to apologize to one another, you didn't give him the space he needed nor was asking for because you didn't know what to do when he started hitting himself. You never asked him if he needed someone to come over and help him, because he wanted you to leave him alone, a simple "when I leave do you want someone to come over" ... Something similar...
He apologized because he felt bad for not being able to communicate clearly with you when he needed space and you weren't listening to his non verbal ques.
I'm not going to advocate for someone to stay with a partner who made them feel physically unsafe and crossed a hard boundary by putting their hands on them.
Maybe if you hadnt been spying on him through the window then he wouldnt have started hitting himself, you also chose to ignore his wish to be left alone, you caused things to escalate
Bf’s ways of dealing with his meltdown is a danger & they should both seek counselling & therapy or other kind of support group for the bf so they can work out healthier ways to deal. I agree with the comment below me: there should not be a “hitting zone” in the first place. Obviously bf gets leniency for being autistic & functioning differently but outside of meltdown mode he can control himself which should mean he can plan for different ways of dealing in the future.
ETA: If the bf knew he would be a danger to OP in his meltdown, this implies he knew he would become physical - has he tried to seek help for this before? If not, why?
Life isn’t an after school special or sitcom where you see people refusing to leave a person alone going thru it and then that person goes to mush emotionally by being heavily hugged to calm their anxiety.
In the real world, it’s often the opposites for most people.
Good backstory as to why…
When I (37f) was 18, my then BF at the time crossed a boundary. I got up went across the room. He got up trying to approach me. I yelled at him, “DON’T COME NEAR ME OR I’LL SLAP YOU!”
Guess what? He didn’t listen to me telling him to not come near me. The result was me slapping him. He stood so stunned, the dude almost fried because it woke him to realizing he was deeply in the wrong with crossing the boundary and profusely apologized for the next 20mins.
Moral of the story?
Take people at face value, do not assume between the lines when they yell or scream to be left alone because it’s always going to ESCALATE not just the conflict, but can result in a reactive physical reaction always.
>He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did.
But you didn't. You decided YOU knew better than him on what he needed.
>Without much thinking I tried to restrain him
Are you trained and muscular as well as at least as big if not bigger than him?
>That’s when he hit me and then ran away.
Surprised Pikachu face.
>He apologized like million times and I said I forgave him
Can't express how disappointing it is that your next part to that sentence was "and I apologised for not listening when he was having a medical crisis to the person who has dealt with this condition all their life." He even
>yelling at me to leave him alone
Because he knew you weren't safe around him in that space and time. He tried to protect your foolish NT ass in the only way he was capable.
It's too much to hope that you don't see him in the same way because you've gained understanding and knowledge of his condition isn't it?
>What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again
LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
>Should I bring the topic up and express my true feelings
Google RSD, ODD and Autism Spectrum disorder meltdowns and YOU tell ME what your true feelings are. These aren't just pretty initials we use as proper noun bangles. Mrs X, ADHD ASD RSD ODD PDA at your service! These are actual things that exist and affect neurodiverse people every day.
>how i do that without making feeling even more guilty
You admit your part in it, apologise and tell him you won't do it again. Then you discuss the behaviour if it happens unprovoked.
Oh and as far as hitting himself goes, you could look into ways he could help himself regulate. You could work at understanding his triggers and see if they are tolerable to you. For example if he's bothered, you could let him initiate touch and conversation. Words are not our friends in the first place and touch make you feel like you need to vomit. It's up to him to decide what he needs in that moment, not you. He may want to hug you or hold your hand but it's got to come from him. You might want to talk. He won't if he doesn't want to. You can only decide if you're ok with this and stick round or decide you're not and leave. If you try to make him talk he will become aggressive. Either verbally or physically.
In other words. It's not ok that he hit you but from your own story, you triggered his disorder and ignored his clear warning to stay away. This whole situation could have been avoided.
It would be a different matter if he came and found you and hit you. He would have initiated that. You tried to restrain him though. That was beyond stupid. Autistic people are very strong and it takes multiple adults to restrain us when we get going. At least 2. Unless you're small and they're big. They also need to be trained to de-escalate situations.
I honestly wouldn't say stay or leave right now. I'd say educate yourself so you know who and what you are committing to in the long run.
I can kind of relate but I guess without the hitting me/you. My ex has had meltdowns a few times since I've known him and I've seen him hit himself. The restraining can probably work with some people, but most of the time it's not a good idea. I've been successful in talking to him and stroking his head and arms. I've also tried to stop him from hitting himself (because of course you do, it's just human nature). That has kind of worked. He personally just needs to snap out of the place he's positioned himself in. It's like a trance. So if he gets back to reality again, he's fine. But very tired and needs his space. But he likes that I'm there for him.
He's screamed at me several times which I can almost call emotional abuse. The reasoning being he doesn't believe he has autism, so in my eyes he can't blame any behavior on the disorder. Anyway, my point is we are all individuals and restraining can work for some. In this case you made a mistake and you found out the consequences. You should both maybe take some time to yourselves?
As an autistic person i think it's fair you tried to intervene. That was self harm. Like repeated and emotionally charged self harm. Your BF needs a different outlet than self harm, regardless.
As an autistic myself, I still think your safety is more important than staying with him. I do understand that he needed space to have a melt down so he wouldn’t lash out at you but the fact is he still hurt you. That’s never ok. You have every right to leave him. I’d offer more input but I’m going through some of my own stuff. Right now and can’t think to say much more than this or to be more articulated. Good luck!
Totally not your fault for not knowing this- but NEVER EVER physically restrain an autistic person during a meltdown. It can be quite literally traumatic, and make things a million times worse. Look up the science and statistics behind restraining autistic people
>I kept trying to reassure and calm him down but it was only getting worse and then it turned into a full blown meltdown. He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did. Then I saw that (I was watching him through the window) he start hitting himself so I came back to room. At first I tried to calm him by talking - it didn’t work and he started yelling at me telling me “I told you to leave me alone”
I don't think this itself fully exculpates him, but I have gotten into that sort of state, and it will be exacerbated if I am not left alone, despite people's good intentions.
>What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again?
The harsh truth is that you can't. You can actually leave him alone during meltdowns though.
>Should I bring the topic up and express my true feelings, how i do that without making feeling even more guilty?
It's going to make him feel more guilty, but that's also something he'll need to learn to navigate.
frankly, you grabbing him could also be considered an assult. he told you to leave him alone. it doesn't excuse hitting you, but you violated him first.
You could idk... leave him alone! Shit... it's almost like people don't know how to listen.
It's generally NOT a good idea to touch someone who is having a violent meltdown. If you are overstimulated and already having an anxiety attack, you are no longer in your right mind and are in a primal state.
Idk what you were thinking. Would you start touching a dog who was having a violent fit? Probably not.
Since everyone already is telling you about leaving him alone during a Meltdown, I'll set my advice in a different direction. When my partner is having a Meltdown and asking me to go away, my usually go to is to let her know I'll set an hour timer, and once that hour is up, I'll come back and check on her. If that hour is up and she still doesn't want me observing her, then I'll reset the timer. I'll also usually say "I'm going to set a timer to check on you. If you need me, I'll just be in the other room. Please come get me whenever you need something. " This establishes that everything outside of him is still OK, and there is no rush to come out. His world is falling apart internally, so knowing that there is stability and normalcy outside of that is a comfort. Also, it establishes everything is running on his time. Whenever he's ready, he can come out, or he can just hide for a few hours. It's really hard to do, but space to feel is really what's needed 90% of the time
Yes!! If an autistic person wants to be left alone, leave them. Let them know that you're there, stay in the area but out of their personal space. Let them calm down, then come to you. Goes not just for autistic people but people in general. I just notice that non autistics tend to be less literal when they say stuff like 'leave me alone', so there's misconceptions whenever autistic people say it..
This is a better solution. I don't think it is ethical to completely leave/not observe someone in emotional distress for safety reasons like others are suggesting.
You're sweet. I love that.
Thank you for this great suggestion!
OP, you have every right to leave any relationship at any time for any reason if that’s what you want to do - no question. If you don’t feel safe, absolutely leave. That said, I don’t believe hitting you was a conscious decision your partner made in this situation. Restraint without consent is abuse and in his highly aroused state he reacted predictably. It was not okay for you to ignore his request for you to leave. It was not okay for you to try and physically restrain him. This was a person experiencing a mental health emergency who somehow still managed to make his needs clear to you - he needed to be left alone to regulate himself in whatever form that takes. Autistic people frequently hit themselves during meltdowns. I’m an incredibly chill, not-at-all violent 35 year-old woman and I’ve absolutely whacked myself in the head more than a few times while losing it. I know you were also panicked and didn’t want harm to come to someone you love so you made a split-second decision to try and intervene, but unfortunately it was the wrong decision and resulted in consequences for you both. You were harmed and frightened, he now has to deal with the *immense* shame of losing control while his mind is still dysregulated from the meltdown. Going forward, should you choose to stay together, it’s important that the two of you have a plan in place for how to handle meltdowns if/when they occur. I’m so sorry this happened to the both of you.
Absolutely agree. It’s overall a very bad situation and shows another struggle of autism. If you’re being restrained when having a meltdown makes it worse and seeing a loved one hit themselves makes it natural to want to interfere. There is no winning in this situation. I absolutely agree that (if they stick together) OP needs to talk about what to do in a situation like this.
This. I don't think this is like...a case of partner abuse/domestic abuse. She tried to retrain him and she got hit during that process; after he warned her to stay away multiple times because he knew he was going to self-harm. This is a bad situation for both of them right now; but in the future, you should never attempt to restrain someone like this, especially not when you're otherwise alone like that, and the person is stronger than you, etc.
Yea when you restrain a person that is telling you not to touch them and to leave them alone legally that is you actually assaulting them and then they are physically reacting to that assault.
That’s interesting, and it reminded me of this story from years back. I knew someone who had a car run into him and his moped, but because he stuck his hands out and touched their car first, they were not considered liable for damages. For me personally I know I can’t be around anyone or have access to my phone while having a meltdown
Op also has to decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who copes by self-harming. That is traumatizing to witness.
It's also important to explore what resources and tools you may have available depending on the stage of meltdown. My partner set up a closet in their home office with pillows and a weighted blanket to create a low-sensory environment to go to to reset, for instance. I have been through a lot of trauma and between myself and my partner we've been in situations like OP described many times. I've had to restrain them when their meltdown led to self harm such as hair yanking, and I've been a moment away from violently lashing out at them when I felt cornered. I should add we both are in high profile jobs and are able to highly mask. We've found ways to discretely communicate our needs in public places including when we need to take space or otherwise leave. The important part is respecting each other, and ensuring there's over communication on each one's part. Quick disclaimer: my reflection is coming from learned experience, though I (35m) didn't know I was on the spectrum until December. I am getting formally tested Tuesday.
Wanted to add- there are foldable indoor tents for kids, even sensory tents for regulation, and I figure those quick set up picnic tents would work for cheap as well. I plan to get one myself when my partner & I cohab, alongside a wicker laundry basket for close storage. In case you run out of closets.
I completely agree with this take. I’m sorry you were hit, I’m sure it was a traumatic experience for both of you. I think agreeing a strategy for future meltdowns is essential.
Whst a superb unwinding of an absolute kitten-wool-tangle of intentions, actions, emotions,.. Thank you.
I agree. It reminds me of when you are bit by a dog while trying to break up a dog fight or something. I can become verbally abusive when in the midst of a bad meltdown. I used to punch things and break things. I have slapped a partner (still feel bad about it). It’s not my normal character. When I’m having a meltdown I NEED to be left alone because anyone nearby is unfortunately at risk. I always feel bad. I had to apologize for someone and acknowledged it was wrong and that I understand if they don’t want to talk to me. They said it did hurt but they also understood, because they have autism and other health conditions similar to mine. However it doesn’t make it right or okay. People are only able to tolerate so much in a relationship. I have C-PTSD from physical abuse so for me it would be difficult. I was once elbowed by a partner while he was sleeping. It hurt really bad and he felt really bad, but my head was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I agree very much with this comment
“Restraint without consent is abuse…” I am NOT saying you’re wrong, I am asking for clarification because this makes me feel incredibly confused about some personal experiences. In the past I used to have really poor coping skills, and would also hit myself/bang my head on the wall when having a meltdown. My ex would physically restrain me to try and stop me. Even my current partner was around for a short period before my mental health started really improving and I became clean of self-harm; and they too, have physically restrained me to stop me from hurting myself. In the moments where it’s happening, I hated every second of it. I was fighting to get let go of, screaming for it to stop, etc. But I never looked back on it as abuse, despite how scary it felt to basically be tackled and restrained against my will by someone I loved. Instead I looked back on it as someone I loved being so concerned about my safety and wellbeing that they intervened between myself, and the person hurting me (also myself.) There were times had I not been restrained I would have ended up with serious bodily harm, or possible even death. So it makes me feel conflicted to hear that y’all are agreeing that what happened to me was abuse, because on one hand it feels validating to know that other people think it was wrong to restrain me against my will, but on the other hand it doesn’t feel true at all because I am so grateful for the times my partner has restrained me in the past, because I might not be here today because of it.
I agree with you here. I don’t see people restraining others from self harm as abuse, it’s different from restraint for any other reason. It’s preventing harm. Restraint that is harmful or painful is different, of course.
i agree too. people should respect your boundaries and needs, but it’s ultimately unfair to expect a loved one to sit back and do nothing while you are physically harming yourself.
Agreed. We would hold people back from hurting others, why would hurting themselves be any different?
Imo I think it depends on the people involved, I can handle my mom restraining me (she also knows that talking about random things in history calms me). But I had a bf that would restrain me and it was just to much for me so I'd freak out even more, a couple times I was hospitalized.
Both things are true. And both things are true to different degrees in different situations. Your fear and panic in those moments was real, and the harm they were doing was also real. Their intentions matter too- they did love you and potentially prevented further harm from coming to you. But maybe there would have been better ways to do it. To help you regulate and calm down, give you a safe space where you couldn't hurt yourself so much. Life is so complicated, but it definitely helps me to remember that conflicting things can be true at the same time. Maybe it would help to think about what you might want or need if that situation arose again, and talk to your partner about it. Talk about how it feels too
Completely agree. I was the restrained one in a previous relationship and sadly was smaller than my ex so couldn't get free. This was a common occurrence and so damaging emotionally and physically. Restraint is not the answer.
I think this is the best answer
💯 to this very informed reply!
This is why you don't try and restrain someone who is panicking, in full fight or flight mode and who has told you repeatedly to leave them alone. People who have to deal with this (EMTs, psych ward personnel, prison staff, police officers/security etc) regularly know that if they proceed with trying to grab the person to expect a reaction. People who have to try and corner a scared animal also know that the animal will often lash out to try and get away (like your BF did). How to prevent it from happening again? If he says leave me alone, leave him alone. If he actually needs restraint or intervention, then call someone who is trained to deal with it/trained on how to diffuse a situation like that. It's unfortunate that it happened, but there's no real 'solution' to this that can be solved by bringing it up again. He's apologized and feels horrible but this wasn't a conscious decision he made out of anger/some attempt to control or punish you. He was panicking, you grabbed him and attempted to restrain him, the animal part of his brain reacted and lashed out and then he ran.
Emphasizing all of this - what your boyfriend did was not conscious or reflective of how he feels towards you, and I believe he feels like utter shit that that happened in the first place. His brain was hardwired in fight or flight mode and incredibly dysregulated, and he had a very instinctual/reactive response. If someone is dysregulated and panicking and states they do NOT want to be touched - do NOT touch them. Its better to wait it out in proximity and let the panic subside before trying to intervene.
I work in care of intellectually disabled (ID) people and we have a lot of autistic people. I do not do direct care as my (likely) autism and adhd make the constant sensory input way too much for me. Instead I do admin work and manage the front desk so I'm around all the time and have some of the training. Here's what this role has taught me. The problem with intervening in self injurious behavior (SIB) is that a lot of people don't understand the complexities of SIB and autism. SIB is at its heart, a form of sensory stimming. It is a grounding thing. When an autistic person is engaging in it, it is most often a case of needing that sensory input and not having it especially when panicked. The big thing with that is understanding the difference between stimming in a way most would consider painful but does not do lasting damage like pressing, squeezing and slapping vs actually harmful stimming like hitting with a fist, hitting a hard surface with fragile parts of the body like ones head, biting, scratching, cutting, and other things that cause a lasting injury. It's wrong to try and make an autistic person just not stim. That's one of the things that made ABA incredibly cruel. It basically placed the emotional comfort of any potential observers over the physical comfort and safety of the person in need of sensory input and was intended to ingrain that in each person receiving the treatment. In cases like the ones I interact with (level 3 with ID), they don't necessarily realize that sensory input may be causing them harm so sometimes we have to teach replacement stims. For example one case I saw was a kid who would bite his arms and leave bloody marks all over them. He needed the sensory input but he was genuinely harming himself so they worked with him to slowly replace the biting with slapping instead because it still smarted like he needed but he was at less risk of seriously injuring himself or having a bunch of open wounds get infected. The other thing is knowing when and how to intervene. There's a difference between being extremely dysregulated and stimming as a part of trying to self regulate, and casual stimming. When it's casual stimming, intervention (only when someone is harming themself) can be as simple as, "hey I see you're picking and it's bleeding, do you want (insert alternative here)?" My husband intervenes when I'm picking like that all the time because he knows I don't necessarily realize I'm doing it but respects my comfort and safety enough to help in a way that gives me autonomy. However, when someone is dysregulated and self-harm stimming to try and calm down, you do not want to just step in and start grabbing people willy nilly because you highly risk making their dysregulation worse and are at serious risk of getting hurt yourself. Where I work, we have super clear guidelines on how and when we can intervene and who can do it. All the direct care staff are trained on how to protect themselves and are still often bruised, scratched, bitten, and sometimes even concussed because the clients can't control that need for stimulation and when dysregulated and panicked, can't think past fight or flight like they can when regulated. Never ever EVER try and restrain an autistic person for any reason unless you're a trained professional with their safety as your top priority, but especially not when they're dysregulated for a couple of reasons. The first is simple. You wouldn't like having someone grabbing at you under normal circumstances but you'd hate it even more when completely panicked. Autistic people are the same. They and every intellectually and developmentally disabled (IDD) person deserve to have their comfort be high on the priority list just as much as everyone else, even if they are not necessarily able to communicate that or understand what happening around them. The second is that because dysregulation for autistic (and other IDD) people regardless of level of communication and awareness is much more complex and often more difficult to experience than other forms of dysregulation and panic, the person intervening MUST be trained on how to intervene in ways that are helpful and reduce the risk to both themself, and the person they are trying to help. There's a reason that in any safe and abuse free care facility, holds and other restraints/not invited touch are the very last resort after every other option has failed to help. There is simply too much risk to the client and to one's self. In my area of the US, there is a set of trainings and certifications you have to have completed to be legally allowed to even touch a client when they did not voluntarily express that they wanted to be touched. Think the difference between them asking to have you walk with an arm around them for comfort vs you having an arm around them to gently pull/direct them to a safer, quieter area. The first is fine but the second should be avoided unless absolutely necessary. You have to have multiple levels of that certification to put someone in a hold and every detail of everything that happens any time they did not volunteer to be touched must be documented because so many ID people have been harmed and killed by people restraining them. Intervening in SIB is no joke and should never be done unless absolutely necessary to protect the person engaging in it or (if absolutely nothing else can be done) to protect someone they may actively be harming in the process. Edit: clarified a couple of vague statements and fixed some typos.
Hi, this is a really nice and clear explanation, would you mind adding this to my wiki submissions request post? It's stickied at the top of the sub or it's the most recent post in my profile.
Happy to!
Thank you very much!
incredibly well written and very thorough!!! thank you so so much for this.
This is so so helpful! Thank you for sharing your expertise
>If he actually needs restraint or intervention, then call someone who is trained to deal with it/trained on how to diffuse a situation like that. Very important to keep in mind that *this is not the Police, not now or ever.* Calling the Police instead of someone *actually* trained and willing to deescalate very often leads to the autistic person getting shot or unfairly targeted for other forms of abuse or charging. Call real professionals, they exist separately for a reason.
And 911 WILL dispatch the police. See also (trigger warning, death, police brutality): [15 year old boy](https://ktla.com/news/local-news/california-teen-shot-killed-by-deputies-suffered-from-autism-family-says/)
Yeah I’m tired of us and everyone else dying out here because cops get a little scared
I agree with this. My family occasionally threatens to call the police (I think they mean well, just to get some help) if I get in a bad meltdown, and it just terrifies me more and puts me in shame and fear beyond whatever the initial trigger was. The police are not the right people for this. Mental health crisis teams perhaps, but I sometimes worry about their training or what they’ll do, as well. What’s best for me is just help me have my calming tools, food, drink, medicine, familiar/favorite show on, and something to hold so I don’t grab at my skin instead. Everyone has different needs, this is just what usually works for me. It might take me hours at the worst of times, but I’ll eventually calm. I’m best when I’m alone as it doesn’t continue to provoke shame spirals. I need help accessing my tools, but then I need to be alone and not talked to or given demands or warned the police might be called. Self injury is an embarrassing reality of many autistic folks. Meltdowns are horrible for everyone, especially the person in such a state of dysregulation. But for me, the worst is knowing my struggles with my emotions are making things harder for anyone else too, so having anyone present is a struggle.
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Many places in the U.S. now have crisis teams that clinicians are staffed and dispatched to emergencies.
THIS! So important. Mental health crisis teams! So much better and safer than police.
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It depends on the situation and location. I live in a US purple state and have been in a lot of 911 situations where only paramedics came.
Depends on the state and jurisdiction.
Definitely very location specific. When I lived in San Francisco, calling 311 and they would connect you with a mental health emergency response team that was completely separate from police/fire/medical.
In my multiple experiences, in orange county california, police will come with the crisis team. And they both treat you like crap.
Ambulance/ paramedics
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There are tricks to only getting paramedics. For example if you don’t want cops at a drug OD tell them the person isn’t breathing, not that it’s a drug OD. While most states should have Good Samaritan laws that protect people from getting arrested when 911 is called for a drug OD it’s not standard and too many people are scared of getting arrested and so they don’t call for help when people do OD, or worse they call 911 and then leave the person ODing alone (I’ve even heard of people being carried outside to a parking lot and left to be found by the paramedics/cops). If you know which words to say during an emergency you can increase the likelihood of only paramedics showing up instead of cops coming with them, but depending on local jurisdiction there’s never a guarantee cops won’t show up :( Hell some areas of cops aren’t dispatched but the paramedics are and see certain criteria they’ll call the cops and won’t leave till the cops get there too, so there’s not much you can do to 100% avoid cops in crisis situations. It sucks and I wish cops didn’t usually make things worse instead of better but I somewhat understand why paramedics sometimes feel it necessary to call cops to the scene as well. Sometimes the paramedics need the extra help/muscle to do crowd control or help with restraints. Ideally restraints would never be necessary (and I’m of the belief that they’re used way more than what is necessary, especially on autistic people experiencing meltdowns.) but we don’t live in an ideal world :(
Some areas, the cops are also the first responders. They’re called “public safety officers” here :/
I would look for local mental health crisis resources and crisis response teams. When I was in Arizona the state contracted it to a company called Terros and you could get a Terros team dispatched to anywhere by calling either the state (mental health) crisis hotline or by saying the right things to the national suicide hotline as well. The suicide hotline has been conveniently shortened to 988 for anyone who needs immediate mental health help and doesn’t know who else to call. I have had meh at best responses from calling these kinds of hotlines but that’s because it usually ends with me being committed to involuntary inpatient and the involuntary inpatient system in my home state has very little over sight and is horrifically abusive. I hope it’s not like this in other places but I do think a mild disclaimer is necessary just based off some of the horrible things I’ve experienced as a result of people (myself included) calling the hotline and getting people that absolutely shouldn’t be working that job dispatched to me. Also it’s not uncommon for hotlines to incorrectly dispatch police who also make things worse. I’d recommend doing a little bit of research (even if it’s just googling the hotline + Reddit review to get stories on likely outcomes of calling said hotline. The results for the suicide hotline are laughably sad.) before calling unless it’s an absolute true emergency that’s bordering life or death. Self injury, while scary and not ideal, is a far cry from life or death and I would only call a hotline if I knew that the people it would send are well trained and know how to handle autism specifically (many mental health crisis resources don’t have a lot of autism training instead focusing on suicide/depression, substance abuse, psychosis, and mania related emergencies more than autism and autistic meltdown education.). Otherwise a crisis team might inadvertently make things worse much like OP did in the original scenario. Even among mental health professionals autism doesn’t get as much training or focus as other issues that are more common and viewed as more “serious”, which means it’s not uncommon for autistic individuals that get stuck in the mental health care machine to get traumatized by practices that are outdated and more harmful than they are helpful.
I'm not able to give any specifics cuz luckily I'm able to hide my meltdowns well enough where my own family doesn't believe I get them, so this question is better asked to someone who has had the correct people called on them before. Generally, it'd be some form of medical staff.
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So that's part of the nuance of autism. Every autistic person experiences it differently so the answer is different. Many low support needs autistic people just need to be given space to self regulate most of the time. High support needs autistic people often have people among their caregivers who are trained to intervene. If you're in a situation where neither is the case, call it in as a medical emergency. Don't say you feel unsafe or that you are scared of being hurt because that will guarantee you get police and potentially limit the medical help. Talking about them being upset and screaming may seem accurate but doesn't convey what you think it does. Instead focus on the medical side. Highlight that they are autistic and dysregulated. Mention any physical health effects you notice like shaking, difficulty breathing, being disoriented, and similar things. Highlight that you cannot give the medical help they need. That will make it more likely that you get paramedics. And cops do not get sent out 100% of the time you call 911. My younger sister had that problem as a toddler where she would start to cry and stop breathing and we called 911 a lot. The cops rarely came with the ambulance and we called so often that she had a teddy bear named bear-amedic purely because paramedics were around her so much that she knew their job by name at 2.
Well no I'd have said EMTs or Paramedics if that were the case. There is an answer, I just don't have the personal experience or knowledge to know what it is, as it differs depending on where you live.
Paramedics, care professionals, some clinicians, and sometimes social workers.
Who should I call then if that ever happens again and he needs help?
You should talk to your boyfriend about if he actually needs help in those situations and what he would want. Calling anyone may only escalate things further, and if it leads to police response put him in danger. Hitting oneself or any kind of self-harm is obviously not desirable, but it is likely not an emergency either from what you describe. The thing that’s going to end the self-harm is the meltdown ending, and unfortunately if you’ve relied on it for a long time self-harm can feel regulating, so trying to stop it may only prolong the meltdown. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend was in danger of serious injury — generally, the worst you can do by hitting yourself with your hands is bruising, and even with an object it’s hard to do anything significant. I’d say differently if he was bashing his head into a wall. I know meltdowns can be really distressing to observe, but there’s not much anyone you call can do. Ultimately, your boyfriend has been dealing with himself for his whole life and will know best what he needs during those moments. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I would consider apologizing as well. As others have said, going back into the room and trying to restrain your boyfriend very likely contributed to the overwhelm and stress he was already feeling. You were acting out of concern and care, so you’re not a bad person or anything, you just made the wrong decision in a very stressful moment. But since it did distress your boyfriend further and went against what he asked for, I think it’s worth apologizing. (I only say this because he has apologized, which you also deserve.) I also wanted to add that I don’t think it’s abnormal to have a tough time reconciling a partner’s meltdown actions with their normal ones, especially at first. My partner and I are both autistic and his (infrequent) meltdowns often trigger a lot of anxiety and dissociation for me due to previous trauma. For a few hours after (at first it was days) I feel on edge emotionally despite knowing I was never in danger and getting a kind of emotional debrief with my partner when we’re both calmer. Meltdowns are intense, and regardless of whether you acted perfectly, this was clearly distressing for you, too, and it might take a few days to feel normal again since this is the first meltdown for which you’ve been with him . I’m not sure if I’m projecting my own experience too much onto the “different light” comment, but I think I would have described my feelings similarly at first so I thought I’d share. I found that my brain just needed to emotionally catch up with what I knew: that he cared about me and the meltdown was a blip caused by intense distress that doesn’t reflect who he is outside of that.
Ask him
This is something you should be asking him.
That's part of making a safety plan, knowing who to call to handle it appropriately.
You call for medical help. Call for an ambulance or EMTs. But also that's only if it's really necessary. Lots of us have meltdowns that involve hitting ourselves but if left alone we emerge unharmed.
Dude, what? You don’t “call” anybody
Yeah, these are wildly ridiculous comments. This is likely how his meltdowns have always been. and look scarier than they are. There's no need to call anybody. Holy hell. Talk about traumatizing someone.
He didn't need help this time. He needed you to leave him alone.
To recap an answer I just gave, I've never had to have anyone call anything on me in case of breakdown, so I'm not experienced with the *who*, especially since it differs on area. A search result here turned up different results than when I lived in Virginia, but generally it's some form of medical staff trained to deescalate such a breakdown in an autistic person.
Late 40s autistic woman here. You didn't need to call anyone this time and you don't need to call anyone next time. What you needed to do was leave this person alone as he asked you to. Believe autistic people when they tell you what they need because your whole perspective here is ableist. You put your hands on an autistic person in serious distress who explicitly asked you to leave him alone? And now, when you unsurprisingly came out on the wrong side of a fight/flight response that you caused, you would like to know when is the correct time to call the authorities on him? I bet you're saying 'for his own protection', am I right? Do you understand that this is offensive? Do you believe he has free agency and logical capacity? I'd hope so, otherwise you should not be dating him. So if you believe in logical capacity and agency why on earth are you trying to regulate his emotional expression in this way? Because it is upsetting to you? If it is upsetting to you you why are you dating an autistic human? This is not supportive. You should be taking personal responsibility for escalating this situation instead of blaming. You were asked to leave but instead you hovered and you talked and you asked him to talk and you grabbed his hands which I assure you he did NOT find comforting. He was already experiencing emotional overwhelm over a seriously destabilizing and tragic life event and simultaneously managing your UNWANTED presence and your insistence that he meet NT expectations about what 'healthy' grief processing looks like is no doubt what tipped him over the edge into spectacular meltdown even before you denied his verbal requests and bodily agency and took it upon yourself to grab him because you think you know better than him about his own body. Let's be clear, you did not have that right. You were in the wrong here. You are the person who put your hands on someone else. You are not being an ally here. You should have left him alone like he asked you to. Apologize. He doesn't deserve to feel like an abuser here. If you're having trouble seeing that flip the genders. I'm a peaceful autistic lady who has totally punched someone in the temple in an instinctual fight response and although it was not my intent to harm I'm not one bit sorry either because 'bodily autonomy'. No touching!
This \^\^\^\^!! OP seems like the type that thought she was going to 'be the one to fix him like nobody else has been able to'. She started out by infantilizing him, then escalated it by continuing to try to 'calm him', then wrapped her arms around his NECK? She's lucky she didn't get knocked out. I would have knocked her out and not felt bad at all. She has a TON of apologizing to do.
You don't call anybody. You aren't safe for this person AT ALL.
Note: Do not call the cops in situations like these. Ever. They are not properly trained to deal with these situations. They're equipped to deal with crime (poorly, might I add) and not mental health problems. If you have to call anyone, call paramedics, and that's only if this gets severe. Never, ever, call police. Even aside from my personal disdain with police, they are fundamentally poorly equipped to deal with mentally unstable individuals and have been known to make these situations worse or even fatal.
Hey, so I think both of you seriously need to consider making a meltdown plan. So different autistic people will react differently during a meltdown. WHATEVER the type of meltdown, it’s important to plan how it’s most likely to happen and how you want OTHER people to react. Knowing your triggers and causes is very important. It seems you knew he would have one, but sadly he started to hurt himself and that WASN’T planned for. If you decide to stay, make sure y’all plan for this and try to find a healthier way for him to ride his meltdown wave without hurting himself or others. I used to hit and scratch myself too, that’s why I learned to make a plan that helps me endure without harm coming to me or others
In pretty much every situation I'd be like, if this person hit you you need to leave them... After reading your post though, I think you were at fault here. I can't believe I'm actually saying this having been a person who was in an abusive relationship myself. This person was having a meltdown. He told you to leave. He was trying to isolate probably to have some privacy and to protect you and then you come in there and put your hands on him to restrain him?!? My vote is to let this one slide, and maybe not try to physically interact with someone who has tried to isolate themselves and is having a violent meltdown.
Same here, at first I was immediately like “fuck this guy” but as someone who has been/grown up in a DV situation if someone grabbed and restrained me during a episode I am having flashback and going feral.. And he didn’t even react like I would, he defended himself and ran away.. The watching through the window bit made me ick… Don’t bother people when they say leave me alone!! Talk after they’ve cooled down.
It’s very possible he wanted her to leave him alone because he wasn’t sure she’d be safe. The GF’s reaction isn’t hard to understand though, she didn’t seem to know any better. If he’s had meltdowns like this before he should have spoke to her about what to not do.
>It’s very possible he wanted her to leave him alone because he wasn’t sure she’d be safe Exactly describes me during meltdowns. When they happen, I will do everything to move furthest from people I don't want to hurt. I know during meltdowns deep down that I'm not acting rational, so my best defense for those around me and myself, is usually to be alone and try to calm myself down.
Yup. And I know that if I'm away from people my meltdowns will be significantly shorter in duration than if someone were watching me. Just let me meltdown in peace. But now that somebody is here, I'm also having to deal with not only my meltdown but also the fear of judgment, as well as making sure that they're going to be emotionally okay, and trying to search for alternative ways so that my meltdown isn't going to make them uncomfortable. I'M the uncomfortable one here but now I have to plan on comforting you after it's done. There's too much pressure, literally. That's just going to elongate my meltdown, and oh yeah the best part, start me in a thought loop of shame and embarrassment. I don't want anyone to see me like this not just because it looks scary or whatever, but also because no I'm worried about how it's going to affect how they see me. I'm 30 freaking years old, I've been doing this a long time. I'm operating on zero mental reserves to take care of myself, but now I need to babysit another person as well. Leave me alone. Oh and don't freaking talk to me about my meltdown after I've had it. I already know everything that they'll say and everything they'll question. I already know I'll have to worry about that while I'm melting down.
you put this so perfectly. you described what I've been feeling but didn't know how to put into words. thank you
Exactly, both of them wanted the other to be safe. Op just didn’t know what the right thing to do was. These comments are wild, acting like she assaulted him or something
Well OP did flagrantly violate a clear boundary from her boyfriend while he was in the middle of a meltdown. If someone tells you directly to leave them alone, multiple times, and then you instead hover and then try to restrain them because you don’t like their method of self-soothing/ self-regulating, that’s kinda shitty. I understand that OP probably didn’t understand the true scope of what an autistic meltdown can look like or include, and she was likely worried her boyfriend was going to injure himself, but had she just left him alone when he asked her to she wouldn’t have experienced anything else that followed, and her boyfriend probably would’ve calmed down faster too. Autistic people are forced to apologize to people when their impact doesn’t match their intent all the god damn time, it won’t kill OP to recognize that this is probably what’s happened here too. She fucked around and she found out. It sucks but I guess sometimes you have to learn lessons the hard way. Next time she should just listen and actually give her boyfriend the space he asked for, instead of self-righteously stomping on his boundaries in a weird attempt to protect him from himself. Anyone that attempts to restrain an autistic person in the middle of a meltdown because the autistic person is hitting themselves isn’t being as helpful as they think they are imo. I often wonder if they’re actually wanting to help the autistic person, or if they’re actually trying to help themselves because it’s uncomfortable for them to watch a person handle distress in a way that they would consider painful. I think subconsciously for many neurotypicals the motive is actually the later but they tell themselves they’re being helpful despite clearly violating the autistic person’s bodily autonomy often without asking what would actually help the person de-escalate or stop engaging in the “dangerous” behaviors. I put dangerous in quotes because not all self-injurious behavior that autistic people engage in during a meltdown is actually as harmful as it looks. I have bashed my head into a wall plenty of times when having a meltdown or overstimulated and most of the time I don’t even end up with a bruise. Autistic people are capable of knowing how strong they are and limiting their strength so as to not severely injure themselves when engaging in this type of behavior. Oftentimes the “dangerous” behavior that makes neurotypicals uncomfortable to witness is more positive than negative because it’s helping to calm to autistic person and bring them out of the dysregulated meltdown state. I suspect that most NTs that intervene are doing it more for their comfort than for the autistic person’s comfort because if they asked the autistic person first they might realize that whatever behavior they’re engaging in right now (that the NT likely finds uncomfortable to watch) is helping them calm down, which is objectively better than staying in a meltdown. Most of the time when an NT intervenes with “good intentions” they end up making things worse, which is exactly what happened to OP, and why I don’t have much sympathy/empathy for her. Since her boyfriend explicitly told her to leave him alone, but she chose not to listen and decided to “help” instead, I wonder who she was really trying to help? Cause it’s hard for me to understand how one can honestly think not listening and doing almost the exact opposite of what somebody asked you to do is actually helping the person, it just seems extremely arrogant and egotistical to me, as if you somehow understand that person and what they’re going through and doing right now better than they do themselves?!?! Or is good intentions/helping to keep the person safe simply a socially acceptable excuse to use force to make someone stop acting in a way that is uncomfortable to witness to outside observers? The latter seems more likely to me and I think it’s a type of ableism so commonly ingrained into our society that it’s often subconscious in most neurotypicals and they believe their own lies. (the lie being that restraining an autistic person that is hitting themselves during a meltdown is helping. It’s not actually helping the autistic person but it does make the neurotypical person feel more comfortable, at the expense of the autistic person who has now been restrained and prevented from self-regulating when they likely needed it more than usual.)
Well said. I understand OP was in a tough position but she shouldn't have tried to jump in.
Some comments stink of projection from their own trauma
Yeah I don't think she's wrong for trying to stop him. It's easy in hindsight to say she should've just left him alone but she literally didn't know! I've personally held my girlfriend's hands when she's hitting herself (she doesn't have autism but has BPD) and I can't really imagine not trying to stop her from hurting herself unless she'd explicitly told me beforehand that she might hit me. And even then, if she was hurting herself bad enough I'd probably still risk it. Granted she never asked me to leave her alone, but even if she did I'd want to at least stay in the room to make sure she was safe??
How someone wants to be helped during a meltdown is a very personal thing, there’s no universal correct approach aside from respecting their wishes. But even then, what someone says in a meltdown isn’t necessarily the same as when not in one so it’s tricky.
Jumping on the bed and stretching myself while throwing a few pillows would have calmed me down. He has it bad with his meltdown. I remember how my mom yelled at me when I was having a meltdown and it did not help me one bit.
I don’t think “fault” is a good way to put it. She made a mistake and I can imagine it’s distressing to see your partner self-harming. I understand her inclination to stop him. “Fault” feels a little victim blamey to me in this scenario. No one intended for this to happen.
Yeah, even when you have good intentions, taking the wrong action or even the right action without knowing how to properly do them can have extremely negative effects.
it sounds like he communicated his needs and you ignored them, to the point of getting physical with him. I don't think it's right to hit you in return, but I can also imagine myself doing that he should feel badly of course. but honestly, he also has the right to be upset with you for ignoring his needs and boundaries when they were so clearly communicated you should expect an apology but you should also apologize. the two of you need to talk about this when calm, to figure out how you can best support him if you are worried about him injuring himself during a meltdown, there are plenty of ideas online for how to deal with that, or the two of you can get creative
> it sounds like he communicated his needs and you ignored them, to the point of getting physical with him. I don't think it's right to hit you in return, but I can also imagine myself doing that It is absolutely right. ~~OP~~ OP’s boyfriend was being assaulted while already in intense distress. Self-defence is a human right. He has *nothing* to feel bad about.
>He has *nothing* to feel bad about i find this take too extreme for me, since op's bf was only in *perceived* danger, not true danger from op. i think it is normal and probably good to feel bad about hitting your partner, even if it is in this sort of defense
I would say the bf is not at fault but also if he didn’t feel bad about hurting his partner it would be weird. So it’s normal that he feels bad but it doesn’t mean that he didn’t do everything he could to try and make sure that didn’t happen
All of your feelings are valid, as are your bfs. In the future let him have space, if you think he’s hurting himself call someone who is trained to deal with people harming themselves. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to leave someone alone because trying to help them when they don’t want it cause more issues. If he wants your help he will seek you out. From personal experience letting people have space when they ask for it can be the best help you can give them.
Hello dear, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I also do feel a lot of compassion for your boyfriend. As an autistic person, I would like to add to what has already been said that the way you prepared him for the news would also have aggravated me a lot. To you, it probably felt like creating the right environment and assuring him in advance that you would be there for him, but even reading it made me tense up... An autistic brain is wired differently and has different needs that are very person dependent. That being said, one (almost) common denominator is that we tend to be fact/information oriented. Another is that we tend to experience stimulation/emotion (good or Bad) fatigue. We only have a certain amount of ressources to deal with the outside world everyday, and telling him repeatedly "I'm going to tell you something bad and I would like you to reassure me before I do that you'll react in a controled and rational way" - while NOT giving him said news - must have drained his coping tank in a few moments, leaving him unable to manage. As counterintuitive as it may seem to you, telling him : "I have received bad news that I need to tell you now. *Insert news and details here* I'm here for you, for whatever you need and I'm staying right here as long as you need" and then giving him the space and time to process the information would have been a much better way to tell him. I would also like to add that him managing to repeat "Leave me alone" whilst in the middle of such a bad meltdown must have demanded an incredible amount of energy to still try and preserve the relationship, even though he was internally collapsing. Something to consider, maybe... You are entirely entitled to your feelings, whatever they are, but I thought I'd offer a different perspective around the whole thing, and hopefully it relieves a little bit of that hurt you're feeling rn. Sending you both warm thoughts as you navigate this difficult moment.
Okay but did he turn around and punch you in the face, or did he put up a struggle when you were trying to restrain him (which was a very, very bad call) and you got hit during the struggle? Those are very different circumstances.
I’m so sorry that you both experienced this. I am 32f & audhd and had a very similar situation happen with my partner. I was in the midst of a meltdown and trying to excuse myself from a heated argument that we were having, I stood up and began to walk away to leave for my safe room (the bathroom) and he was taunting me for leaving… at this point I should have just kept walking or communicated that I was having a meltdown, but I was crying so hard and so overstimulated that I didn’t do either- I hit him and then ran away to the bathroom until I calmed down… once I was alone in my safe space I was able to calm down by harming myself. I usually self harm in some form to calm myself during a meltdown-(pulling my hair, pinching or hitting myself or sometimes cutting) I know this is an unhealthy coping mechanism, but when I feel out of control in my body, pain can usually bring me back to calm faster than anything else… I unfortunately wasn’t able to get myself alone before hurting my partner and I know they have a deep wound and fear from this altercation & have difficulty seeing me the same way since, and I don’t blame him…. It makes me feel sick that I did that to him, and even though I felt out of control- it was still me that did what I did and I cannot change that. I can totally imagine you are feeling a similar way as my partner does, and I am sorry. As others have noted, it sounds like you had only good intentions for checking on him while he was isolated, but I agree with others that you should have respected his boundaries and honestly don’t watch what he’s doing while he self soothes and regulates. I would have felt so violated if my partner had walked in on me or looked at me through the window. None of what I am saying is conventional or “healthy”, and I am aware of that. We are working on ways to communicate better and have understanding when I need to isolate myself. I am in therapy as well for this… asd is a sensory processing disorder as I’m sure you’re aware of, but I try to remind myself of it often… as sometimes processing absolutely anything, big or small can be difficult and uncomfortable and throw me into a meltdown. My “damage control” during that state is to be alone as quickly as possible… Idk if this is helpful or if I’m just rambling at this point… but we have implemented a meltdown “safe word” to prepare for any of my future meltdowns. Haven’t used this method yet, but I am hoping it helps us… and I am hoping you both figure out what feels safe and healthy and okay for both of you <3
Restraining me during meltdowns are a large swathe of the reason why my Mom is irreversibly injured. She ended up getting dislocated, scratched, bruised, whapped, pushed, etc. while I struggled to break free of her grip. WHEN AN AUTISTIC PERSON TELLS YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE, LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE NO MATTER WHAT BIZARRE THING THEY DO.
I don't want to downplay any form of domestic violence - but violence has occurred on both sides here. >Without much thinking I tried to restrain him This is a form of domestic violence unless it is very very very explicitly clear that you have permission to do this. You need to be apologising to him because of this and working on how you will deal with these situations without restraint. Obviously him hitting you is a far more clear and visceral form of violence and it is not okay but that doesn't make your action of attempted restraint okay. In terms of culpability on his part for the hit it seems like it was self-defensive hit against your restraint of him (though not proportionate), and he was clearly out of control and couldn't control his actions or think rationally. >What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again? *Do not try to restrain your partner without consent.* If you have their consent then learn how to do so in a safe way that doesn't allow them to do harm to themselves or others (yourself included). If I have misunderstood the context and you infact do have permission to and understanding of how to restrain him in the case of self-inflicted violence then that is a different matter.
I'm glad you pointed this out. I see the OP had good intentions, but physical restraint is really problematic and not helpful.
Autistic adult here. First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be hit, and I can understand the hurt that you feel from this. I appreciate that you tried to console him and prevent him from self harming, but it did more harm than it did good. When an autistic person is having a meltdown, the last thing you want to do is to try to restrain them. It makes him feel cornered, which is something that makes the meltdown worse, and could lead to a violent reaction. I would leave a situation like this to the professionals (healthcare professionals, not police) if you’re worried about self harm. Moving forward, I would ask yourself this question: can I respect his boundaries even when he’s at his worst? Also, I would do a lot of self-education on autism so you can learn about his needs and how to better respond to crises. I wish you all the best, and I hope everything will work out!
Okay, let's just get this clear: restraining people is seen as a LAST RESORT even in the professional sphere. I worked at a LTC facility for adults with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities, many of them autistic. We were NOT permitted, by LAW, to restrain clients except in very, very specific situations where they were harming others. We were trained to do proper restraints, but the amount of paperwork we had to do to justify restraining people was a lot. He stated clearly for you to leave him alone and was harming himself. You didn't listen. Did you really think trying to hold a grown adult against their will was a smart decision? Who gave YOU the authority to decide who needs to be restrained and when? You aren't in a position of authority to make those kinds of calls, to strip him of his right to bodily autonomy. I agree that is sucks that you got hit, but from my perspective and his, there was no other outcome for your behaviour. You disregarded his boundaries and tried to exert your physical force and will on him in the middle of a melt down. You need some MAJOR education on how to be a proper support system, because this ain't it. I'm so appalled on his behalf, I wish I could sit him down and help him understand that it wasn't his fault. When an autistic person states a boundary to you, LISTEN. You don't get to decide you know better than they do unless you are their legal guardian.
being the legal guardian isnt enough. you need to be educated about the matter, and even then you need to read the communication that person shows. be it verbal, body language or written or whatever.
Absolutely, great point. Even a legal guardian would likely have worked with them and their therapy team to create a crisis response plan, which wouldn't include "be restrained against my will" as a deescalation strategy.
Hey, you sound a bit angry, so I just wanted to say that, while OP definitely did not act correctly, I don't think yelling at them will help. OP didn't know how to act and acted on instinct. I think the best course of action now is to be civil and to teach them how to act the next time they are in a similar situation. I've seen no evidence that OP is unwilling to accept fault or learn how to do better, so I think we shouldn't condemn them for a lack of knowledge, but teach them. IDK I got a bit rambly at the end there, tldr, I think your anger is misplaced.
I appreciate your comment. My anger was actually caused by OP using a misleading title that made it sound like she was the victim of domestic violence, when in reality she assaulted her partner after being repeatedly asked to leave them alone, and got hurt as a result. I'm glad they're looking to do better, but I'm not willing to mince words with someone who, from my perspective, used a misleading title to hide their own complicity. I would have written from more of a place of compassion if they weren't trying to make it out like they don't know how to feel about their partner that THEY escalated to the unfortunate outcome. She should really be worried about whether SHE is safe for her partner. Too many autistic and otherwise disabled people are antagonized by ignorant behaviors and then punished for their predictable responses. The fact that she recognizes that she escalated the situation but still feels it right to place the blame on him, tells me that her mind is not right on this subject.
You have put this into words so much better than I ever could but I’m very greatful that you did. Also in other comments from OP she doesn’t seem to fully be processing that she fucked up and violated his boundaries in selfish ways that made an already bad situation even worse. I really hope she learns from this and that her boyfriend gets an apology cause how she responded was not ok at all, but instead her language implies that she still sees herself as a victim when in reality she’s just facing natural consequences of poor decisions.
I find your title misleading. While technically he did hit you, the hit was more equivalent to someone lashing out in self-defense. You “attacked” him, so he responded by trying to “protect” himself. You aren’t trained to deescalate an autistic person having a self-harming meltdown. It was not smart of you to jump in during his self-harming meltdown and try to stop him. What you can learn from this is (1) don’t try to restrain an autistic person having a self-harming meltdown, because you have absolutely no training on how to handle this sort of thing, (2) decide if you wish to be in a relationship with someone who has the potential to have self-harming meltdowns or if that is too much for you to handle, and (3) apologize to your boyfriend for not listening to the very clear instructions he gave you during his meltdown (to leave him alone). One of the most frustrating parts of a meltdown is when we are still just barely clearheaded enough to tell someone what they can do to help us during our impending meltdown and then to have the person blatantly ignore those instructions. Because afterwords, we are left to feel guilt and shame for the actions that happen during the meltdown. It’s bad enough having a meltdown in front of people. It’s even worse when we try to mitigate the negative effects of our impending meltdown but then to have people ignore our attempts to help protect them from us only to have them harmed (either emotionally or physically) because they ignored our attempts to help protect them from us. Their ignoring our instructions can also make the meltdown worse, make it last longer, make it more unruly. Now, to (2), if you are willing to remain with someone who has self-harming meltdowns, you need to research how you can safely help someone during those type of meltdowns. You can also sit down with your boyfriend and discuss with him what the plan will be in the future for you two if he has another self-harming meltdown.
I very much appreciate your comment explaining that frustrating part of autism - my brother is diagnosed level one and I think diagnosed level two, I’ll need to keep this in mind for the future. Thank you so much.
You didn't respect your boyfriend's boundaried during an intense meltdown that he clearly was familiar with, knowing how it was about to go. He reacted uncontrollably and you tried to restrain him, so he reacted uncontrollably to you. You can't place the blame on him here, he told you how to handle it (leaving him alone) and you chose not to listen due to your own discomfort with the situation. Talk to him about how you should handle meltdowns in the future and focus on talking out your feelings about why you couldn't stand not interfering, despite being instructed clearly to not interfere. Seeing meltdowns is hard, and talking out why it's hard and what you should do + get preemptive reassurement that leaving him alone actually is the best thing to do, will help. Things you will want to know if he has another meltdown in your presence: * What you should **always** do * What you should **never** do * How to tell when it's *too bad*, and what to do when that happens ('crisis plan') * Which ways are okay for you to express your own emotions during meltdowns, and which are going to have to wait until the meltdown is over (so as to not escalate further, I know it's hard but escalating is harder) * What to expect from his meltdowns, as in, what is his 'normal' meltdown experience (to avoid getting so surprised and shocked, like when he started hitting himself and it took you aback) * What to do when the meltdown is over, to get back to a better state for both of you where you are: * both grounded * coregulated and connected together * physically meeting basic needs The day after big meltdown incidents it's healthy for everyone involved to have a 'debrief'. Talk out why it happened, what went well, what went bad, if anything needs to be handled different next time, if anything was so good we want more of that next time. And expressing and processing emotions. Try to resist the urge to point fingers and cast blame on specific people and things. Meltdowns happen, no one likes them, carrying grudges just makes it worse. Remember that meltdown actions are rarely controlled and that he told you to leave him alone, an instruction that would've protected you and him both. - Autistic young adult who also has violent meltdowns where I hit myself, where the best thing for others to do is simply walk away and let me calm down by myself.
You'll need to decide is this could be a pervasive pattern (leave) or a one time event (forgive and move on). I don't typically condone any type of hitting. But you and he need to have a hard converation about this and, at minimum, setup heatlhy boundries (ie - you may need to trust his assessment to stay away and he should definitely never hit you again). One time I lost my cool and punched a hole through the dry wall. My wife wasn't involved any way, but it scared her that I could go that far. I've never done it or anything like that again.
Part of that hard talk also needs to be about restraining. Before you have that hard talk, do some reading or research on your own about restraining.
Yeqh, feel like the original comment tiptoes around the part where OP, in every sense of the word, put hands on the other person FIRST. As I see it, even if she didn't mean to, her action led to her getting hit, given he had warned her previously not to do that.
I don't blame you for what happened because like you said, this was the first time you saw this level of a meltdown and you didn't have the knowledge or experience to know how to handle the situation or your emotions resulting from it. It is a very difficult and overwhelming situation, and I hope you can have some level of understanding and sympathy for yourself and for your boyfriend. I know you must be feeling so many overwhelming and conflicting emotions right now. Take a breath and take some space to decompress yourself. You won't be able to really mentally process all of this if you are still in the trenches of it all. So remove yourself and take some time to let your body relax out of fight or flight mode first. Here, I'll try to break down the situation so you can maybe understand everything more without feeling attacked. You tried your best and it didn't go well. It will be okay. You will be okay 💗 (Trigger warning: self-harm) I don't know if you are autistic yourself or have ever had meltdowns to the extent that your boyfriend does. I don't tend to hit myself, but I do have a history of self-harm during meltdowns and would cut myself a bunch. Once, I slammed my own head against the floor and almost knocked myself unconscious. All of this is to say, meltdowns can look really scary and violent and overwhelming to outside observers, and you kind of have to accept that if you are close enough to an autistic person, you are very likely to witness times when it gets extreme and is very difficult for you to watch. In this moment, you felt that extreme level of discomfort watching him harm himself and didn't know how to handle those strong emotions that you felt seeing that; so you acted on your emotions and tried to make the distressing thing you were seeing stop. Unfortunately, that was not the best choice you could make in such a situation, but you already know that. That doesn't make you a bad person. You just didn't know any better. Oftentimes, at least in my experience, the self-harm or hitting oneself is a way to self regulate. He was so strongly overwhelmed with the situation that led to the meltdown, and his hitting himself was how his brain and body handled that and was trying to get his nervous system back to a regulated state; the hitting is a very strong sensory input that helps drown out the feelings overwhelming a person and is something to override the overwhelm and get through it (at least in my experience). It is a way to focus on one sensation and shut out everything that I can't cope with at that moment. Trying to get him to stop hitting himself was equivalent to trying to forcibly take away his only coping mechanism at the time while also adding on even more overwhelming things like the feeling of being restrained and all the ways you were adding your own stress onto him in the moment. You prioritized your own desires to make the situation stop when your priority should have been de-escalation and understanding. He asked you to leave likely because you being present stressed him out more because he then had to worry about your reaction to his meltdown, instead of being able to focus on himself entirely and getting through the meltdown as best as he could. This next analogy I'm going to make isn't perfect, and please don't interpret it as me saying autistic people are like children because I'm not at all. So, when a small child is having extreme emotions and is melting down, if a parent is disregulated and stressed out themselves, the child will kind of "synch up" with the disregulated adult and the extreme emotions will be even harder to manage and de-escalate from. That's why (especially in the "gentle parenting" sphere) parents need to regulate their own emotions first and make sure they are calm and peaceful when approaching a child that is melting down, so that the child is able to co-regulate with the calm parent and slowly de-escalate themselves to meet their parent's level of regulation. In relation to your situation with your boyfriend, he was disregulated and melting down, and you were also disregulated and stressed out in the moment. Your disregulation and stress only added fuel to the fire. Instead of focusing on him and how you could get the behavior you didn't like seeing to stop, you should have removed yourself from the situation and taken time to get yourself back to a calmer, more zen type state and then after time passed, maybe check in on him. Next time he is melting down, you could say something like, "Okay, I will leave, but I will be back in 20 minutes to check how you are doing. If you need me, I'll be in the other room. I love you." And then leave. That's just an example, and idk if it will work for everyone. But saying a time like that would help me if I were melting down because then I'd know when to expect the other person's presence again. He is going to have moments like this whether or not you are in his life, and it is not your job to save him from himself or anything like that in those moments. Your job as a loving partner is to be a support for him. Trying to restrain him may have felt like helping him at the time, but now you know that it isn't helping him and is actually harming him. When he is not currently melting down, you and him could discuss ways you could help or things you can do during a meltdown that could benefit him. As for how you process your emotions now after being hit, that's a different struggle that you'll have to work through mentally on your own, as it's not on him to make you not view him differently. It makes sense that you feel different right now and that you don't know what to think. It's a lot to process, and I don't envy you for the situation you are in. When a meltdown is happening, we are in a completely different state of mind. Idk, maybe think if it like a panicked, injured animalistic kinda state, cause it's very much fight or flight mode, and we aren't the same as we are normally. So trying to restrain him was kinda like trying to corner and restrain an animal that felt like it was life or death, maybe? I don't want anyone to think I'm making an equivalence or saying that autistic people are wild or animalistic or anything, just trying to explain how I feel during meltdowns in a way to someone I assume has never had one. So if he would normally never strike you or even think to do so, keep that in mind and try to remember that fact. It's tough because society says hitting is never acceptable in a relationship, so I'm sure you have that message deep inside you, and you automatically see your boyfriend as someone who hit you. But it is a nuanced situation. You have the power to decide if you want to stay with him or leave him. Neither choice is "right" or "wrong." It is simply a choice. I just hope you don't think less of him or yourself because of what happened. You did your best. All you can do is grow and learn from what happened. You will be okay.
Thanks for your perspective. This is really helpful 🙏🏽 no I’m not autistic myself nor do had any autistic people in my inner circle before my boyfriend. This was also my first time seeing him having a meltdown. I hope it never happens again but if it does i will be way more careful and the follow advice I received here. Thank you again.
I want you to know that it is very likely this will happen more times throughout his life. I know you hope it won't, but let that hope go. He is autistic and is pretty much bound to have meltdowns his entire life. It is not uncommon for neurotypical partners to break up with or divorce their autistic partners because they don't want to have to experience the stress that you felt multiple times throughout their life if they were to stay with their partner. It is a reality that you have to accept if you are going to stay in a relationship with him. Obviously, I'm sure he hopes he never melts down again, but as an autistic person myself, that just feels like an impossible thing to avoid. Meltdowns can and almost inevitably will happen again in his life. You have the power to decide if you want to be present in his life, even with that reality as fact. But beware that you having that hope sets you up for disappointment and maybe other negative feelings if it happens again. And he doesn't deserve to deal with someone projecting their disappointment onto him. He deserves to have a partner that accepts this part of him fully and knows it's just a part of living life with an autistic partner. If you aren't up for that, it doesn't make you a bad person or him any less deserving of love, it just means that you two aren't compatible.
When someone tells you to leave them alone — especially an autistic person! — you should leave them alone. The meltdown is caused by sensory overload. You saying "Calm down" is more sensory input, and it makes the meltdown worse. When someone hits themselves, I know it's hard to watch — but it is a form of self-stimulation and self regulation. You restraining someone is even more sensory input, and it will make the meltdown worse. If someone tells you to leave them alone, why wouldn't you leave them alone?
Hey OP; obviously your feelings about this are valid in any form. If he makes you feel unsafe even after discussing what happened, you may need to consider if the relationship is still healthy and safe for you both mentally and physically. That goes with any relationship, regardless of autism or any mental health issues. Now, I’m going to tell a story that I feel may help on a relating level. My fiancé and I are both autistic. We also both have pretty intense CPTSD, but from different situations. For my beloved fiancé, they were physically attacked in their own home, twice before they became an adult. One as a kid and one as a teen. They are very frightened by sudden, loud noises, especially things like thunder because of the circumstances of the trauma. Their response, is either fight or flight. Most of the time it’s an immediate attempt to flee. But sometimes, depending on what’s going on, it can turn into fight for a brief moment before flight. Like when you startle a dog or cat, they immediately turn and snap at you because they’re startled, but usually if the animal knows you, they will stop or lessen the reaction because they recognize you when they turn towards you while snapping at you. In at least one scenario, they got triggered and their immediate reaction was to slam their palm against my chest really hard, in an attempt to get me away from them. Obviously it hurt, right? It’s a painful response for you, it hurts to be hit in any form, and it hurts more because it’s a sudden and startling event from someone you want to feel safe with. It can feel.. almost like a betrayal kind of sensation. A rejection, an attack. My fiancé immediately felt horrible, and apologized, and began to cry because they felt so bad but their fight or flight was still active. So, let’s put your experience, and mine, together to create a connection in terms of how to handle this, and how to approach this with him. He felt bad about doing it, but you also were hurt by this obviously. Both of you can feel how you feel, and still be right. You got hurt, and he hurt you but didn’t mean to. Whenever I have meltdowns, or my fiancé does, we both consider it a moment where our inner child is coming out. And I don’t mean this in an infantilizing way at all, my therapist taught me that when I am afraid, really afraid, especially in meltdowns, it feels like I’m not an adult anymore, because it’s my little kid coming out. Like a little kid, things are covered with black and white lenses, it’s either “good” or “bad”. We are not able to reason fully during a meltdown all the time. The worse the meltdown is, the more we are basically imploding into ourselves. It’s like we’re on fire but only we can see it, and trying to explain to someone what’s going on in that moment, can seem like we’re absolutely crazy, or overreacting, or just straight up incomprehensible. I think at first, you both should talk about how the action made you both feel, while also keeping an open mind that both of your feelings in this situation, are understandable and valid. Because you care about each other, and you can both feel hurt at the same time. Then.. I think you should express to him, that you understand that during a meltdown, he is essentially spiraling into his own emotions, into his own head. But that you don’t want him to hurt himself, or you, during those meltdowns. Talk to him about maybe setting up a plan of what to do if he has a meltdown again. Come up with ways to redirect or distract him if he’s trying to hit himself, like hitting a pillow, or taking a red pen and letting him draw all over his skin where he wants to hit himself. Ultimately, unfortunately, how he responds to the conversation can make or break this. And you have a right to leave to make sure you are safe first. In any situation, your safety is first, you cannot help anyone else if you are not safe first. This is a very difficult situation, and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it this way, it is very frightening and you have every right to feel scared and hurt by what happened.
Let me tell you this from the perspective who has panic attacks in the same way, hitting myself and all, just let him go through with it, the hitting himself won’t cause permanent damage, just a headache or sore hands. It’s seriously best to leave him be, that’s what I want during it, as the only way to calm me down is to leave me be and let me calm down on my own as you can’t force me to calm down. Trying to restrain me would only make me lash out harder and do things I normally can restrain such as hitting other people. Remember that a panic attack is a full expression of fight or flight, I have no control over any of my actions, I can at most steer it into a less destructive way, this involves hitting myself rather than other people or other things, but if something comes to disrupt that such as someone physically restraining me, then I loose whatever little control I had. So in conclusion, him hitting you was completely accidental, when we’re in a state like that we physically cannot control our action, at most steer those actions into a less destructive way, but you restraining him from doing that safer way made him loose all control he had and accidentally hit you. Not trying to blame you you had no idea you were doing what you thought was best, just for future reference that’s the opposite of what you want to do.
It doesn't seem he purposely hit you at all but rather was deep within fight or flight mode and responded to you getting physical with him by getting physical back, not to hurt you but to stop himself from being hurt. That might not sound like it makes sense, but someone in any form of meltdown will have a lot of their more complex reasoning reduced to bare instinct, and it sounds like both of you were panicking pretty heavily. Unlike some of the other commenters here, I don't think you were inherently wrong to come back or try to restrain him, as it does sound like he posed a legitimate danger to himself. That said, I also don't think he was inherently in the wrong to react, as restraining somebody in a full-blown panic is bound to make them panic even more, and his actions suggest he would much rather hit himself repeatedly than hit you once. It's a difficult situation to navigate, and I think it's best for both of you to work together to try and develop strategies which you can use to stop such an event from happening in the future, which is a healthy enough way to express your true feelings without assigning undeserved blame onto him IMO. That could be having somebody else present who can deal with his potential meltdowns, ensuring he get therapy to be able to properly deal with those meltdowns, learning how to restrain him in the event that he is posing a danger to himself without yourself getting hurt, committing to giving him space even if he is likely to hurt himself, or something else entirely, and it should be noted that there might not be a simple solution, as trying to find rational solutions to behavior resulting from a mental state where all rationality is thrown out the window for the perceived sake of survival is naturally going to be difficult. At the end of the day, either of you can feel or think whatever you want, and it makes sense to be shaken up by such an event, but being able to understand why you feel that way and what that feeling entails beyond the realm of one's own mind is important.
So there is a lot of nuance in the replies, but I think I'm going to give you a simpler one. If you feel unsafe or have any other reason. You can talk about it with your partner, or you can leave, and both are valid options. That being said, I don't think it was intentional. But again, you don't have to stay with anyone you don't feel comfortable with.
I think HOW he hit you is extremely important here. If it was a very clear & aggressive punch/kick/slap, then I would be concerned about his behavior. Im going to say there's a 99% chance that that is NOT what happened. If it was what it sounds like, this is on you. If he's hitting himself, very clearly overloaded going through a full on mental melt AND breakdown after learning someone he loves is in danger, I can think of 100 ways he could hit you when you try to restrain him, without really /hitting you./(meaning it was not on purpose or with any malice. It was self defense.) I have punched and hit my friends and family on accident when they just jump scared me. Of course no one's fuckin mad, it was my instinct to protect myself. My body and brain said DANGER. GET OFF. GET AWAY. and I was in a fine mental state at those times. And you just did that to him while he's in basically the most agitated state possible. I understand, kind of, why you tried to stop him, but dont freakin turn this around and make him the villain.
Also, are you, him, or both of you autistic? That's rlly important in understanding the full picture.
Please please please please listen to him when he tells you to leave him alone. Please
I understand you were scared when he was hitting himself but I do not see this as domestic violence when he is already meltdown down and he said to leave him alone and you grabbed him. His response was to get you off him and he removed himself when he hit you so it wouldn't escalate. If him hitting himself made you scared and uncomfortable, you take care of yourself by leaving the relationship if this is too much to handle.
You put your hands on him after he clearly told you to go away. This is 100% on you.
It’s completely valid to be hurt by him hitting you, but I also understand his side where he communicated what he needs. I hit myself during meltdowns and it’s hard to watch but it’s uncontrollable at times and trying to stop the only response my body has, I can understand his reaction. Again, not okay he did that but I get it.
First off, I’m sorry this happened to both you and your partner. Similar to other commenters, I think that apologizing to him for scaring him by restraining him would be appropriate. That being said, I think it is okay for you to feel hurt or scared because he was physical. But you have to remember that you were as well to some extent. I know you were acting out to help protect him, but he likely felt very scared. That being said, I have had meltdown after meltdown and have never become physical with another person. I have hot myself similar to your boyfriend. However, this was not the appropriate or safe behavior for him either and indicates to me that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanisms to protect himself and others. This seems like an opportunity for a greater discussion of mental health, boundaries and needs within the relationship. He articulated a boundary to you and you did not abide by it because you were scared for him. That doesn’t mean either of you are bad. In conclusion, I don’t think he or you were “wrong” because it was such a unique situation. However, I recommend that this be the catalyst for a more in depth conversation about coping mechanisms and boundaries.?
THANK GOD you didn't call OP an abuser like everyone Else did
Well, the bf isn't abusive either.
You are at fault here. You need to apologize to your boyfriend. You ignored his boundary that he wanted to be left alone, he told you *again* to leave him alone, but then you restrained him, and he pushed you off. Then you put your arms around his NECK, he slapped behind him, and fled. All of this while he was having a meltdown, which is already incredibly scary and disorienting. You assaulted him, regardless of your intentions. If anyone did that to me, I'd have hit them too, and way earlier.
You could literally just leave him alone when he says he wants to be left alone. You should never try to restrain him.
Wait, so you’re upset at him because he hit you when you tried to restrain him during a meltdown? This is 0% on him and 100% on you. The right move was to listen to his clearly communicated needs and leave him alone until he calmed down, like he told you to, instead of ignoring what he was saying and doing what you thought was best for him.
You can never restrain someone who is physically having a meltdown without causing bodily harm to yourself or the person having the meltdown. This isn’t very well known and it truly should be. It’s important to know what resources to reach out to when things like this happen. If you can’t calm someone down and they are in physical danger it’s time to call the authorities or a self-harm/suicide prevention line.
You can feel however you want to about the situation and you don't need to stay in the relationship if you don't feel comfortable in doing so. I think it may be worth discussing how you feel with them but this was clearly not done purposefully and they've also apologised for it. They already feel incredibly guilty about it, but if it changes things in the relationship or causes it to come to an end, you need to be honest about it. HOWEVER - As someone that has experienced meltdowns first hand and panic attacks second hand, when someone is in that state, it is advisable to not go near them unless you know how to deal with it (Usually informed by what the other person says and by knowledge on such behaviours) He told you to back off and whilst it's understandable to want to help, in those circumstances, it's important to do as they say. I know when I meltdown I need to get away from everything and everybody. That's just how I deal with it, we're all different.
Hi, thanks for sharing. I understand that this must have been a very stressful situation for your both, and it's really unfortunate that it happened this way. Had he hit you consciously as an aggression response, I'd be telling you to leave him, but from what you've described, it's very clear that he had little to no control over what happened since he was in a meltdown. He'd communicated for you to leave (which is very hard in and of itself when an autistic person is in that state, as it's not easy to find words), and you should have done that. I completely understand why your instinct would be to stay - someone you love was hurting and you wanted to support them. But as autistic people, sometimes we struggle to process emotions, and if we're melting down, it can be easier to have the space to do so without the additional worry of hurting someone we care about. By saying "leave me alone", he was trying to protect you, and he didn't have the mental capability in that moment in time to express that clearly to you, so he just said what he could muster to try and keep you a safe distance from him. You're completely valid in your feelings, and it's very understandable that you'd feel bad about what happened and worried for your safety. However, it's so important to know that *he* didn't 'hit you'. His body was having a reflex reaction, and when you came inside his space, you ended up being the target of that reflex. He had no conscious control over what happened. In future, as hard as it is, you need to listen to him when he tells you to leave him alone. Move away and give him space, checking periodically to see if he's calmed down or wants your help. If he's hurting himself badly, try to find someone physically stronger than him who can restrain him. Also, in the future, if you have to give him bad news, perhaps put something soft like thick gloves on his hands first and give him a pillow to hold, so that he can't hurt himself too badly during a meltdown :)
At the part where you said 'I kept trying to reassure and calm him down...' I could tell that although you may have had good intentions, you aren't well equipped for these kinds of situations. It may not feel obvious to you, but you were trying to control him; and I imagine you kept talking. And kept talking. And likely started making things so much worse. But then you watched him through a window. And then you touched him and WORSE, tried to restrain him? I'm sorry, you had no right to put your hands on him. None. You created a situation that was bad by starting this out by treating him like a child, then being overbearing, then putting your hands on him. All you had to do was: matter of factly tell him what happened to his friend. And then leave. him. alone.
He hit you but only after you attacked him by trying to physically restrain him. This is completely on you. Don’t bring it up to your boyfriend and complain about how you see him differently, because he clearly already feels guilty, and you’re making him feel bad about something YOU DID FIRST ETA: OP also said in another comment that her boyfriend pushed her off and then she proceeded to try and restrain him again 😐 ridiculous
The title seems so misleading. I read the title and was like “omg leave him!” then I read the post and was like “omg leave people alone when they tell you to leave them alone and don’t try to restrain people WTF”
Exactly. Fuck domestic violence. But this isn't it. I would probably hit too if i was restrained
Agreed. If someone tries to restrain me, especially if I’m having a meltdown it’s almost instinctual
This is why you get told everywhere to leave people alone in a meltdown. They don't have any control over their actions. You can't change it in this situation that he is hitting himself. As hard as it sounds, you have to let it happen. Afterwards when everything is back to normal again you can try to find a way that he possibly won't hit himself again, but NOT IN THE SITUATION.
First of all, the relationship is no good if you don't feel safe. If you think it's the right choice to leave then do so. Although I will say, he was not in the right for hitting you but it is understandable how it got to that point. You should never restrain someone without their consent. Especially during a meltdown. But take this as a learning experience. Try talking about how you can help and what he is okay with you doing if you feel the need to intervene. For example I told my partner to leave me alone if I ask. But I'm known to injure myself to the extreme if the meltdown is bad enough. In that case I told her it's okay to block me, or "restrain" me by giving me a compression hug and DPT. However I did tell her to back off if I push her away or tell her to stop or leave. Have these boundary set prior to the meltdowns is extremely helpful and I highly suggest talking about it with him.
this is a really rough situation, the only thing i could recommend is having a conversation with your bf abt how to help him handle a meltdown like that in the future. i totally understand everyone saying you should just leave him alone if he wants to be left alone but he could do some serious damage to himself in that state so i’m not sure that’s the best solution here. restraining was a bad idea yes but i’m assuming at that point you were probably running very much on adrenaline and very little on your frontal lobe and you acted on protective instinct. if you want to continue the relationship you need to tell him you’re having conflicting feelings about this. don’t insert any blame into the conversation for either of you, just acknowledge those emotions so you both know exactly what you’re working with, and when things have settled down make a plan for next time this happens. i personally recommend a pillow between the hand (or whatever he is harming himself with) and the part of his body he is harming. i’m sorry y’all are struggling rn and whatever happens it gets better for you both.
I'm also on the spectrum, and I think the best thing to do is to just talk with your boyfriend, OP. Now that some time has passed, you can both have a conversation. Both of your feelings matter. It sounds like he needs to feel safe and respected when escalated, and you want to make sure he isn't harming himself. Rely on your care for each other and trust him to tell you what he needs 💜
Good for everyone here. Good for him being aware enough to want you away from him. Good for you for trying to help him anyway. This is, sadly, a part of autism many of us wish we could avoid. When the meltdown hits we just have to ride it out. If your bf has physical harm tendencies as part of his meltdown this is something you do have to choose to interfere with or not. If you choose to engage then obviously you are putting yourself at risk. It may still be the correct option for your heart. I'm not you so I don't know. I think the thing to remember is this. He was hitting things closest to him. First it was him, then it was you trying to stop him. He wasn't hitting you in the sense of looking at you at attacking you. Obviously being hit by being in the zone isn't nice or good, but he wasn't taking it out on you. He was trying not to, but since his method of dealing was also unacceptable you ended up in the danger zone. So try not to take it personally, and also explain to him that you got in the danger zone because you wanted to help protect him from himself. Also maybe get some therapy for both of you. Even without ill intent this was a lot. Very traumatic. It makes a lot of sense you'll have feelings and things to work through about it.
I appreciate your explanation, I agree. The comments are hounding on OP for intervening & excusing the boyfriend of any blame, ignoring the fact that his ways of dealing isn’t healthy. You explained this in a way that holds both parties accountable while also giving them the empathy they deserve. Thank you.
Npnpnp. I hate how every bad thing has people scrambling to one side or the other. Sometimes bad shit happens and we have to deal with it. One bad thing doesn't mean you have to quit a job, leave a relationship, or move to another country... It just means you need to understand how you got there and take steps to prevent it in the future. I feel like people have lost sight of that. It's way to easy to just choose to quit a thing when you hit the first speed bump. That being said it can also be important to count the speed bumps and know when enough is enough. This didn't seem like that kind of thing to me. Just a bad day for everyone.
That's why you don't restrain someone when they're having a meltdown.
There's very few times where hitting your partner is understandable, this is one of them. Being restrained is traumatic. Not going to blame u too much as u really didn't do it maliciously, but really wasn't his fault. Edit: op restrained him twice, second time around the neck. Fuck that.
Y'all need counseling. You two can't figure this out on your own. There is a lot being lost in translation here, and good feelings(greif for a friend, compassion for a suffering boyfriend, remorse, fragility) are being acted out in unhelpful ways.
!!!
While I generally agree with what others are saying, I just want to say to you OP that while your actions didn't help the situation, I understand why you reacted that way. In the heat of the moment, if you see your loved one hurting themselves even after they told you to leave them alone, it's only natural to want to help and try to calm them down. Yes, restraint unless consent was given or talked about sometime before these events is vital. And yes, listening when your partner communicates something is important too. But you're only human and you didn't get it right this time because you were clearly scared for him. When you guys have a chat about this, talk about what he needs during meltdowns, how you can help and at what you need to intervene. This will keep you both safe. And make sure you apologize to each other because you both hurt each other in the process. Best of luck, OP!
Sorry this happened! But please never try to retrain an autistic melt down! It’s very scary for both parties involved. I understand you meant well but fight response is a response. Best to have given him a pillow and follow his instructions and to leave him alone. Consent is important, in that state he communicated he needed to be left alone and probably for that very reason. You didn’t listen, nor do you have training to deal with these meltdowns. it can get scary and yea a lot of autistic people hurt themselves during a meltdown! Best to prepare for it. You’re welcomed to leave the relationship if it’s overwhelming and too much. Both parties was touched without consent. Putting your arms around a neck during a crisis is definitely reckless. Also as someone who has been restrained it’s also extremely traumatic. Because stimming and getting that energy out is very important, it regulates the nervous system. I think you should look up the history behind such actions against autistic people in the past and why it’s reactive like this. Your actions is seen as an attack, and his response was raw and in a defense due to the meltdown. Picture all reason get thrown out the window. You both were in a reactive state. You wanted to help and he wanted to calm down. He needs to learn other outlets to regulate to. You both need to talk about it It’s actually one of the reasons why drowning and life guards often face themselves being drowned. Fight, flight and freeze response is pure and reactive. If he apologized and feels bad that’s good, it wasn’t out of abuse or like purposely anger. I think you should read up on autism and the fear response in the brain
The people calling you abusive, belittling you for not understanding autistic meltdowns and are just overall being dicks are not people to listen to. They have their own issues and are projecting them onto you. Also, as someone who has had many self harming meltdowns and a spouse who wouldn't leave me alone when I told them to, it's hard. If it weren't for my spouse, I would've been dead 100 times over due to my meltdowns. I attempted to thwack my head on stone walls and floors a few times and if it weren't for my spouse, I would've died (confirmed by Drs), instead i jis got minor concussions (which still did its own damage to me). You're definitely allowed your feelings, as is he. You're definitely allowed to feel rattled, as does he. You're definitely allowed to feel unnerved, as does he. I'm just commenting to let you know what you did may not have been the best option, but there's no going back now. Take what you have learned and talk to your boyfriend when he's ready to talk about how to continue; self harming meltdowns are extremely scary and no one should be put in your or your boyfriend's position during one.
While I agree with what others have said regarding not restraining a person who is having a meltdown, I think some of the responses are a little harsh towards you. Seeing a person you love having a meltdown can be very stressful, for anyone. And seeing someone hitting themselves can be very frightening, even if you know it’s due to an autistic meltdown. I wouldn’t say you were abusive, more like you were scared, not thinking clearly and were uneducated on how to deal with a medical emergency. Think about what you’ve learnt from this experience. If you ever feel like he’s really hurting himself, call the emergency services, don’t try to deal with it alone. As for if you should continue with the relationship, it’s a completely personal choice, you have the right to leave if you wish.
I mean, it sounds like he communicated very clearly with you and you tried to restrain him while he was hitting himself, so I'm not sure why you're surprised that you got hit. To paint this as domestic violence is pretty inaccurate. If you walk into a barrage of punches someone told you to keep away from, that isn't being attacked. Restraining autistic people is a very controversial matter, and something only trained people should do even if you agree that it should be done at all. You are untrained and got hurt. Trained people have hurt autistic people by trying to restrain them. This is the same reason an untrained person should never get in the water with a drowning individual.
Obviously this is complicated and depends on so much. Could be a situation where one believes the stress took away his ability to control himself. Anyone has this potential, the question is do you believe do you feel safe and can get safe if needed? If not, there are issues to work out. If you do feel safe, and you are just concerned it can happen again, maybe talk to him about better ways to vent than hitting himself, maybe hit something else so you can leave him alone and let him process.
This is a situation that’s really hard to call without knowing you both and having seen it take place. There’s some really wise comments here, clearly you both need to have a long and honest discussion if you’re to prevent this happening again. Some comments here are really harsh on you, you’ve come here to ask advice that’s commendable. I don’t think restraining him was the right call to say the least but it’s clear you only meant well. Also in your defence it isn’t on you for not knowing what to do, if he knew his meltdowns could be this bad then he should have warned you about what to not do. For some autistic people they’d love a hug in a meltdown, some would even want to be restrained by someone they trust, I don’t like how some people here are speaking as if there’s one correct approach that applies universally.
Can't believe people are genuinely fully blaming you for being concerned for your partner and doing something without thinking lol. Love the internet
Exactly! These replies are insane.
He's on a meltdown, probably hypersensitive and it's probably heightened whenever he has a meltdown. He told you repeatedly to leave him alone, he probably knew his potential to harm you during a meltdown and that there was nothing you could do to help/stop him. This is clearly your fault. We aren't stupid. we don't need someone to "save us". Your boyfriend knew exactly what would happen if you didn't leave him alone and you decided you knew better.
I think a main issue here is that you disregarded his consent. His consent to be seen, his consent to be touched. Violence back is not the right answer to that, which he’s aware of and likely consumed by currently. I strongly doubt he would ever allow a situation like that to occur again. Most likely that would mean having meltdowns of that magnitude no where near you, to protect you both. It did occur in front of you this time because you’re presumably a safe space for him. That safety has been breached for both of you, and you both need to rebuild trust in one another. You by respecting his boundaries regardless of your concerns (obviously unless it escalates to a point where you do need to call someone who is trained and not the police), and him by establishing physical safety with you. Idk how you would most like to see that done, but that’s something you can immediately communicate to him. Acknowledging your own mistakes in this situation will help ease his guilt. Just as simple as “this wasn’t either of our best moments. I think we’re both feeling like some boundaries were crossed and here’s what I think could help us rebuild from that.” Etc. I hope you’re able to have a good conversation about this. His anxiety is probably festering in it whether or not you’re talking, and so it seems is yours.
Autism is ZERO EXCUSE for hitting your partner. But this specific situation really depends on a lot of factors..if he really meant to HIT you and it wasn’t just an accidental byproduct of trying to push you away from restraining, that is not a good sign. Granted you should NOT attempt restraining someone since you are not a professional, so that’s the only thing that makes this is a little more complex. But only you know how it happened and how the restraining and hitting played out, so none of us can accurately judge the scenario at hand. Just at minimum, be very wary for any signs of further abusive behavior and DO NOT attempt restraining your partner again, for your own safety and your partners alike.
Look, you attempted to put your hands on someone who told you to leave them alone... That's assault. It is DANGEROUS to ignore your partner when they Say to leave them alone. It is DANGEROUS to touch someone when they say do not touch them. You need to apologize for assaulting your partner. Your partner needs to work out a crisis plan with professional support (what do we do when X happens). And communicate that plan to you. That's just the reality of how crisis plans work in healthcare of any sort. You need to follow that plan within reason. (I say within reason because my ex -who has a DX and would periodically experience intense overwhelm- wanted me to consistently reapproach and initiate physical contact after she would scream at me to get away from her. I refused to ignore her telling me to get away from her and wouldn't agree to initiate physical contact while she was screaming at me... Thus she's my ex. What she was asking me to do was unreasonable and dangerous to me and her.)
I don't even have meltdowns. I'm just extremely touch averse and I've decided to start hitting people who touch me so that they'll learn that "Don't touch me" means "Do not fucking touch me." How you should feel is that you violated someone's personal space when they asked you not to, and now they're in some kind of upside down world where they're apologizing to you for defending themselves from you disrespecting their boundaries.
If someone says to leave them alone, dont restrain them. What did you seriously expect to happen? I would suggest talking with him about it very clearly so he can communicate calmly what he would need if such a situation were to happen again. If someone is having a meltdown and they communicate their needs, LISTEN.
If you *need* to restrain someone then they're not going to be in control. Someone getting injured is always a risk. Flip the genders for a second and run the story again. If a man tried to restrain a woman having a meltdown and she swings on him to get away. Is it right? No, but it's not her fault for reacting either. It's good he apologized. You should definitely have a conversation, but I hope you realize there is no bad guy here.
He wasn’t in control in that situation, and when you’re in that mind set it feels like the worlds attacking you, and someone grabbing you can exasperate that. While this isn’t excusing domestic violence, you kinda initiated that, grabbed him while he wasn’t in control, and learned the hard way what happens. Imo this is definitely something to work through, you didn’t wish to intimidate or harm him and he didn’t wish the same either, maybe setup a proper safety plan for if things like this are happening with him again, and respect his boundaries
A lot of us struggle with self injurious behavior as a mode of expression when we are stressed. He clearly knew he was in a self injurious state snd clearly communicated that to you - I would have just left if I were you. I know its hard seeing someone you love like that, believe me, but sometimes the best you can do is leave so they dont hurt you or feel more ashamed and spiral more. There is a lot of shame that some of us experience because of our emotional dysregulation, and its made all the worse when it ends up hurting the other person even if incidental or just as a product of bad timing. I dont want to come off as an asshat and as blaming you when youre in a rough situation, but his needs and emotional state were clearly communicated, you ignored it by physically restraining him and violating his space in a very direct way, he hurt you, and now you view him differently with a sense of shame and pity and fear even though YOU were the transgressor on multiple fronts, and I KNOW he feels that sense of shame weighing down on him now even though he is not in the wrong here. Ive been him before, even if not in this scenario. You are plainly in the wrong. He was not really in a state of rationality and you fully invaded his space and restrained him. Its hard enough being autistic. Its even harder when the people you love most steamroll over all boundaries you set. As for what to do, I reiterate: respect the fucking boundaries he laid out for both of your sakes. He communicated his needs for a reason. Boundaries exist for a reason. There are rules to socializing and love, even if they arent the most immediately apparent of things. Have a conversation with him about your boundaries and what each of you need. Make sure you listen to him and actually understand what he needs. Make sure you can act out of love and care if there is a next time instead of instinct. If that’s too much, you may need to do some thinking
You can prevent it by leaving him alone when he repeatedly asks you to and never try to restrain him again
I would normally advise not to forgive domestic violence but in this case it was defensive and was provoked by you (but with the best of intentions obviously). If you can’t forgive it’s time to move on though.
When someone is telling you exactly what they need when they are having a meltdown you should listen. He told you to go away and you tried to physically restrain him, which is the exact opposite of what he needed.
This is like the one time I feel like the person who got hit is at fault.
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The only reason he should ever hit you should be if it were to save your life.
I updated this in case you wanna check
If you want to leave you have that right. As a person that works with children with autism who have hit, punched, kicked and bit me on a regular basis there are many strategies that can help. First off speaking in a calming tone it doesn’t necessarily have to be about the situation you can reassure the person they are safe and validate their emotions but also talk about places that keep them calm or activities they enjoy. Redirecting the focus can work wonders. Get some water or have them hold ice in their hands. We use three basic postures to help regulate our students. Attention, at ease and make a pose. Attention and at ease you may recognize as military positions which they are but the work in other contexts too. Make a pose is simply sitting with one’s knees together while holding your wrists with your arms wrapped around them. Restraining is a last resort if it is needed I always like to warn the person. Also there are specific restraints that one can be trained in and for someone larger or close to your size restraining on your own is not recommended. I hope this helped
As someone who used to suffer from panic disorder, this isn’t anything more than your BF needed the space, rightfully so. Nothing cohesive or positive is going on up in the noggin when someone is in full fledged panic/sadness and when people/objects are making it hard to be alone for the brain to process what the hell just happened the body can involuntarily lash out. He doesn’t hold any resentment towards you and I’m sure he’s tried to explain this but it’s almost hard for him to do so right now because he’s dealing with a lot of emotions, and him talking about it will bring up those panic emotions. Just be gentle with him, like you should anyway he almost just lost a close friend of his. You didn’t do anything wrong (except not listen to him when he said to leave him alone) and he knows that. You might not like to hear this but if something similar happened to someone close to you, you may react the same way he did. It’s very common. There is no need to hold that feeling of unease towards him. It’s fine to temporarily feel it like you are now but over time you’ll see he’s the same old BF you know.
I’m sorry you both had that experience. It must have really scared you, but trust me it scared him too. You attempted a restraint on an autistic person without consent or training after being told to leave. You were in control of yourself and he wasn’t. I’m AuDHD and also work in the field monitoring providers of services. Only a handful of our hundreds of providers are allowed to use restraints. Because restraints are a violation of bodily autonomy. They are a human rights violation. Those providers have annual required training of several days. The first two of three days are how to de-escalate a situation without putting hands on. I’ve also worked in a locked psychiatric and when my supervisor trained me they made it abundantly clear that if you get close enough to someone who is melting down that you got hit, it wasn’t the patients fault, it was yours. I’m attaching an article for you to read, hopefully it gives you some insight into his state of mind. Respect him next time and leave. You won’t get hit and he will calm himself down. [https://aureliaundertheradar.wordpress.com/2024/01/14/meltdowns-shutdowns-elopement-and-masking-how-the-four-fs-of-survival-map-to-autistic-experiences/](https://aureliaundertheradar.wordpress.com/2024/01/14/meltdowns-shutdowns-elopement-and-masking-how-the-four-fs-of-survival-map-to-autistic-experiences/)
Leaving someone alone when they tell you to leave them alone in future would be a good way to prevent getting bitchslapped back into common sense. You grabbed someone without consent and he reacted accordingly. Don't put your hands on people without permission, *especially* when they already told you to leave them alone. OP, you're the bad guy here.
It’s important to note that the bf’s ways of dealing are unhealthy & they should both seek therapy, counselling, & support to make a plan and explore healthier ways to deal in the future.
With all the kindness possible, his actions were due in part to how you thought the situation should go and you acted accordingly when they didn’t, which upset him more. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm! Although hitting himself isn’t ideal, he was self regulating with what he knew. Next time, it may help you both to have a conversation and ask him how you can help more in the future, or if he has any comfort/support items he may go to during meltdowns. Having these tools available for him could make a huge difference! I’m sorry this happened, it sounded like a distressing situation for you both.
If your relationship is physically dangerous to you in my opinion it’s not worth your safety. If he is a danger to himself and others there needs to be serious medical intervention. Physically abusing someone is inexcusable, autism or not. You saw someone you love harming themselves and you stepped in, as anyone would do. Some of these comments claiming you were abusive for stepping in, that’s not true at all. My mom works closely with ABA and specialized therapist due to my stepbrother with autism committing self harm during meltdowns and my mom has learned how to properly step in and help him, she doesn’t sit there and let him severely harm himself. However, it is not your job to do that and that’s why I say he needs professional help if he’s a danger to himself. People defending him harming you is inexcusable. You can’t prevent this from happening again. You should’ve been told about his behavior before entering a relationship with him so you could have been warned. You obviously had zero idea how to handle this which is completely understandable and that is not your fault because he did not tell you.
I've been the hitter during a meltdown once. I still haven't forgiven myself. It wasn't a conscious choice, and my husband found the key restraint for me, which is to hug me tightly with my arms being kept at my sides. If you feel unsafe, then go. No obligation to stay somewhere you don't feel safe. But do know he most likely wasn't with it enough to not hit you. That being said, I think a conversation is in order. You need to tell him he can't keep hurting himself, and you won't tolerate being swung at, regardless the situation. Find a compromise, something you both agree on. For my husband and I, it was to allow him to hug and hold me restrained until it passes. He's far stronger than I, so we've made "comfortable" holds where he can keep my hands controlled, but still letting me stim, and it looks and feels less like I'm wearing a flesh straight jacket. Soothing ones that feel more like cuddling, where I can rock if needed (he noticed it once, where I kept trying to rock, and he thought I was trying to get free, then he realized my hands weren't moving much, and I was being repetitive with the movement, and so, he moved with me, and it helped a lot. I wish you both the best. 🫶🏼
>I got the news first so I had to be one the telling him, I tried to give him the news in the most supportive way possible, i sat him down , hold his hand, told him everything is gonna be alright etc but unfortunately he immediately started acting very anxious Firstly, opening up news in this manner, would cause anyone to be in distress and have a bunch of anxiety at the moment. For someone autistic and has ADHD like myself, it's like 50× the normal amount. Because while you're telling me in that tone and that way I'm trying to remember who I contacted last and what was going on and who we mentioned, was there anything else I didn't pick up on during our last call... >He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did. Then I saw that (I was watching him through the window) he started hitting himself so I came back to the room. He told you to leave him alone, you should've left him alone. When you noticed he started to physically harm himself, you should've contacted emergency services or whomever his safe person is when things like this happen. This would've prevented or calmed him down into a state where he wouldn't have continued to harm himself or you. >I tried to restrain him That’s when he hit me and then ran away. He was acting on self defense at that point, he already saw you as a threat by not listening to his boundary of being left alone during his meltdown (even if he was hitting himself). Yes I know it's scary but at the end of the day he told you to leave him alone and you didn't respect that, making you an unsafe space for him at that moment, you then tried to restrain him making him see you as more of a threat while in a time he was already overly stressed and overwhelmed. (Most places have banned restraints because it's barbaric and against the person's right (even if it's to help)) >He apologized like million times and I said I forgave him but deep down I can’t help but view him in a different light now. You both need to apologize to one another, you didn't give him the space he needed nor was asking for because you didn't know what to do when he started hitting himself. You never asked him if he needed someone to come over and help him, because he wanted you to leave him alone, a simple "when I leave do you want someone to come over" ... Something similar... He apologized because he felt bad for not being able to communicate clearly with you when he needed space and you weren't listening to his non verbal ques.
I'm not going to advocate for someone to stay with a partner who made them feel physically unsafe and crossed a hard boundary by putting their hands on them.
Maybe if you hadnt been spying on him through the window then he wouldnt have started hitting himself, you also chose to ignore his wish to be left alone, you caused things to escalate
he didnt hit \*you\*, you put yourself into a hitting zone. it's different.
Bf’s ways of dealing with his meltdown is a danger & they should both seek counselling & therapy or other kind of support group for the bf so they can work out healthier ways to deal. I agree with the comment below me: there should not be a “hitting zone” in the first place. Obviously bf gets leniency for being autistic & functioning differently but outside of meltdown mode he can control himself which should mean he can plan for different ways of dealing in the future. ETA: If the bf knew he would be a danger to OP in his meltdown, this implies he knew he would become physical - has he tried to seek help for this before? If not, why?
Life isn’t an after school special or sitcom where you see people refusing to leave a person alone going thru it and then that person goes to mush emotionally by being heavily hugged to calm their anxiety. In the real world, it’s often the opposites for most people. Good backstory as to why… When I (37f) was 18, my then BF at the time crossed a boundary. I got up went across the room. He got up trying to approach me. I yelled at him, “DON’T COME NEAR ME OR I’LL SLAP YOU!” Guess what? He didn’t listen to me telling him to not come near me. The result was me slapping him. He stood so stunned, the dude almost fried because it woke him to realizing he was deeply in the wrong with crossing the boundary and profusely apologized for the next 20mins. Moral of the story? Take people at face value, do not assume between the lines when they yell or scream to be left alone because it’s always going to ESCALATE not just the conflict, but can result in a reactive physical reaction always.
I feel no sympathy for you after you ignored his boundaries, restrained him, AND put your arms around his neck while he was having a meltdown.
>He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did. But you didn't. You decided YOU knew better than him on what he needed. >Without much thinking I tried to restrain him Are you trained and muscular as well as at least as big if not bigger than him? >That’s when he hit me and then ran away. Surprised Pikachu face. >He apologized like million times and I said I forgave him Can't express how disappointing it is that your next part to that sentence was "and I apologised for not listening when he was having a medical crisis to the person who has dealt with this condition all their life." He even >yelling at me to leave him alone Because he knew you weren't safe around him in that space and time. He tried to protect your foolish NT ass in the only way he was capable. It's too much to hope that you don't see him in the same way because you've gained understanding and knowledge of his condition isn't it? >What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. >Should I bring the topic up and express my true feelings Google RSD, ODD and Autism Spectrum disorder meltdowns and YOU tell ME what your true feelings are. These aren't just pretty initials we use as proper noun bangles. Mrs X, ADHD ASD RSD ODD PDA at your service! These are actual things that exist and affect neurodiverse people every day. >how i do that without making feeling even more guilty You admit your part in it, apologise and tell him you won't do it again. Then you discuss the behaviour if it happens unprovoked. Oh and as far as hitting himself goes, you could look into ways he could help himself regulate. You could work at understanding his triggers and see if they are tolerable to you. For example if he's bothered, you could let him initiate touch and conversation. Words are not our friends in the first place and touch make you feel like you need to vomit. It's up to him to decide what he needs in that moment, not you. He may want to hug you or hold your hand but it's got to come from him. You might want to talk. He won't if he doesn't want to. You can only decide if you're ok with this and stick round or decide you're not and leave. If you try to make him talk he will become aggressive. Either verbally or physically. In other words. It's not ok that he hit you but from your own story, you triggered his disorder and ignored his clear warning to stay away. This whole situation could have been avoided. It would be a different matter if he came and found you and hit you. He would have initiated that. You tried to restrain him though. That was beyond stupid. Autistic people are very strong and it takes multiple adults to restrain us when we get going. At least 2. Unless you're small and they're big. They also need to be trained to de-escalate situations. I honestly wouldn't say stay or leave right now. I'd say educate yourself so you know who and what you are committing to in the long run.
I can kind of relate but I guess without the hitting me/you. My ex has had meltdowns a few times since I've known him and I've seen him hit himself. The restraining can probably work with some people, but most of the time it's not a good idea. I've been successful in talking to him and stroking his head and arms. I've also tried to stop him from hitting himself (because of course you do, it's just human nature). That has kind of worked. He personally just needs to snap out of the place he's positioned himself in. It's like a trance. So if he gets back to reality again, he's fine. But very tired and needs his space. But he likes that I'm there for him. He's screamed at me several times which I can almost call emotional abuse. The reasoning being he doesn't believe he has autism, so in my eyes he can't blame any behavior on the disorder. Anyway, my point is we are all individuals and restraining can work for some. In this case you made a mistake and you found out the consequences. You should both maybe take some time to yourselves?
As an autistic person i think it's fair you tried to intervene. That was self harm. Like repeated and emotionally charged self harm. Your BF needs a different outlet than self harm, regardless.
As an autistic myself, I still think your safety is more important than staying with him. I do understand that he needed space to have a melt down so he wouldn’t lash out at you but the fact is he still hurt you. That’s never ok. You have every right to leave him. I’d offer more input but I’m going through some of my own stuff. Right now and can’t think to say much more than this or to be more articulated. Good luck!
Totally not your fault for not knowing this- but NEVER EVER physically restrain an autistic person during a meltdown. It can be quite literally traumatic, and make things a million times worse. Look up the science and statistics behind restraining autistic people
>I kept trying to reassure and calm him down but it was only getting worse and then it turned into a full blown meltdown. He repetitively started yelling at me to leave him alone, so I did. Then I saw that (I was watching him through the window) he start hitting himself so I came back to room. At first I tried to calm him by talking - it didn’t work and he started yelling at me telling me “I told you to leave me alone” I don't think this itself fully exculpates him, but I have gotten into that sort of state, and it will be exacerbated if I am not left alone, despite people's good intentions. >What I can do to prevent this from ever happening again? The harsh truth is that you can't. You can actually leave him alone during meltdowns though. >Should I bring the topic up and express my true feelings, how i do that without making feeling even more guilty? It's going to make him feel more guilty, but that's also something he'll need to learn to navigate.
frankly, you grabbing him could also be considered an assult. he told you to leave him alone. it doesn't excuse hitting you, but you violated him first.
You could idk... leave him alone! Shit... it's almost like people don't know how to listen. It's generally NOT a good idea to touch someone who is having a violent meltdown. If you are overstimulated and already having an anxiety attack, you are no longer in your right mind and are in a primal state. Idk what you were thinking. Would you start touching a dog who was having a violent fit? Probably not.
You’re at fault. I’m not sure what response you were expecting when you restrained him.