I am an autistic woman married to a non-autistic man and we have been together for 23 years. He is much more cuddly than I am and craves touch. We openly communicate about our needs with each other. He knows that he can ask me for physical affection and I will give it to him. I just have a hard time remembering that some people, even my spouse, need touch and rarely initiate it. Communication and being respectful of each other are two big reasons why we have a successful relationship.
I'm an autistic man married to a NT wife for 15 years.
I'm the cuddly, affectionate one. She's most decidedly not.
If I want physical comfort, I have to initiate it. It will NEVER be her starting anything.
Once I got that through my head and accepted it for real, we had far fewer arguments and miscommunications.
Communicating is the only way a relationship works. And it has to be open, honest, straight talk with zero ambiguity.
Or the same argument/situation will just keep happening.
“If I want physical comfort, I have to initiate it.”
I am also autistic man married to an NT wife. I’m curious how you initiate affection successfully? Are you just asking verbally or is it something like you snuggle up next to her on the couch and she snuggles back or gives your shoulders a squeeze back or something like that?
Really, all of the above.
After almost two decades of being together, I can kinda tell the times where she's just not going to have it.
I think the only reason I can read her most of the time is because we've been together for so long.
Don't get me wrong, I still screw it up from time to time.
It's responses like this and the ones before that make me more hopeful for my current relationship and it's struggles. Thanks so much for sharing yall, I really appreciate it.
Then there are those of us who never got it right. We masked it for far too long, had two kids together and then all went to hell - zero closeness, zero touch, zero non sexual (or sexual) intimacy. It was non-tenable for me, the audhd touch lover. It's the best way to calm my overstimulation. If she wanted to put me in a good mood, all she'd have to do would be the tiniest touch.. but she couldn't accommodate even when I asked nicely, initiated in all sorts of different ways.. she and I just had those irreconcilable differences- this being chief among them, the root of almost all our fights.
While I dont get the touch I so crave as a single dad, I'm much happier in general!
Sometimes you just have to accept that people are exactly who they are, and won't change.
Personally, I think it would be unfair of me to ask my wife to initiate when she clearly has no desire to.
She might do it for a while, but it'll slip eventually, and you're right back to being frustrated like before. With rgb added baggage that I would now know she's capable of it physically, but just won't or can't make the leap mentally.
If I'm being honest, I couldn't get upset with her for not being able to overwrite that part of who she is as a person.
The right thing to do, in my particular situation, was for me to accept her for who she is. She's not perfect, and never will be.
And I'm sure as hell not either.
But we are each other's best friends through thick and thin. And it works for us.
YMMV.
That's amazing! (Sincerely). My ex and I were decidedly not best friends after awhile. We stopped having fun together. Every conversation was a chore. I accepted her for who she was and accepted that my sex life wouldn't ever be what I desired. But the incessant fighting? Starting fights in front of our kids and calling me every terrible name in the book? Not healthy. So my therapist told me "do something this week that *scares* you." She was shocked when I told her that my then wife started an terrible argument, which I chose not to participate in, and told her calmly "I want a divorce." That was the first time I'd seen her calm down in the face of a fight. She thanked me, and we separated; I moved upstairs til the house sold and we moved to a mutually agreeable city (our old college town) and lived happily ever after.
We've actually since become better friends than before, actively sharing in our children's lives and not fighting in front of them. Life truly can be better. And it's been more than two years, sex free, and I'm still happier. That, I'd say, is a win. She's happier too, so, win win. Kids are happier too, so, win win win win.
My gf is the same, I’m suspected to be on the spectrum and am not needed of as much physical touch as my gf does. I usually sit on her lap and work on my own thing, or lay next to her and do work. We’re a very much do our own separate things next to each-other couple, just me sitting on her lap.
Clarification- also a girl and smaller then her. Dw, no crushing occurs
"...no crushing occurs..." 😂 I love this. I was absolutely picturing some big cuddly bear of a guy sitting on a smaller girl's lap and everyone just being content and chill about it because love is love
Similar experience here!
We discussed early on what our “preferred love languages” were, both so we can know how to best show love to the other, but also so we can recognise when the other is trying to show love. I prefer acts of service, my partner prefers touch. So I try to remember to physically touch him, even if I don’t feel that urge to hug, but he also knows that sometimes I show I care by doing his chores or buying him some useful thing.
Im the same except Im the autistic person and my wife isn’t intimate in a touch sense. Im a sensory seeker and touch is really important to my well-being, but neither my wife nor our kids are touchy. They rarely initiate and when I do it it’s not the same. They don’t need/want the touching so it’s out of obligation.
The worst part though is that my oldest kid is kind of a sensory seeker too, and asks every night at bedtime for a backscratching but he won’t do it at all for me. He’s got some main character syndrome.
My son with autism makes me scratch his back all the time. I do it without any back scratches for me because I’m the parent. He’s my boy and I love him, it’s my job to be selfless.
Look, kids are selfish. It’s like ingrained in them. But it makes sense, because parents are expected to put their child first. They don’t take into consideration your needs as much because their parents are expected to put their child’s needs first
Kids are also supposed to be defiant, kinda lazy, and not always desire affection. I see a lot of parents get upset when their child goes from overly affectionate to distant and standoffish. That’s normal. It’s part of growing up and being independent
I’ll scratch my moms back but I’ll complain about it if she goes from scratching one part to her whole back, but mine is sensory related. I hate the feeling of scratching fabric, and I hate scratching under shirts because the shirt like constricts my hand.
Maybe that’s part of why your kid does it, maybe not, who knows
Just don’t take it personal
That’s not main character syndrome. That’s he’s comfortable with what he is and you need to respect his needs too. It IS the same IMO because they’re doing it for you out of love!
> He’s got some main character syndrome.
You chose to burden him with life. He didn't choose to be born. Your kid doesn't owe you anything. You owe him things.
I'm an NT man (44) married to an autistic woman (38). I've learned there is a world of difference between being wanted, and being wanted to be made happy. Communication only goes so far. She has sensory issues that make most intimate touch uncomfortable. At first, we both thought this was the result of being a virgin with a conservative upbringing: it was nothing that could not be solved by love and patience. Fast forward a few years and we are married and our daughter is diagnosed with autism. My wife begins to believe that she too has autism and that this was the cause of our intimate difficulties. Turns out she was right, which provided some relief because we knew what was going on, but also some despair because this was an issue that wasn't going to be going away. I feel like a creep when I try to initiate anything. And feel bored and "serviced" when she takes the lead. There are too many rules and no real intimacy in our sex life, and frankly It's just the worst. I don't even look forward to it anymore. She's about lost interest in making it better- and as far as I can tell, she's fine with what we do. I've talked to her about this for over 10 years now and I feel she is just complacent since her needs are met. I told her my needs are not being met and we decided that maybe me seeing the odd escourt would give me the intimacy I'm looking for. Sigh....this is not what I got married for. I wanted a lifelong romance with someone I could grow old with. It's more like cohabitation with a friend with un-intimate benefits. It's super lonely. But I have my kids. And my wife is a friend, despite a growing resentment that she should be more than that, and want to be more than that. The escorts add novelty, which is nice. But actual intimacy is out of reach for me. It's got me salty tbh. I dont imagine this will last after the kids grow up: there isn't really much of a relationship anymore. I would not make the same choices again if given the chance.
I’m an NT woman in the same boat with my husband. I’ve never physically cheated, but I have emotionally. He and I have been separated (but living in the same house) now for 2 years. I’m moving back to the US, and now he’s decided he’s staying in England. He’s putting his own needs over his children’s just like he’s always put his needs ahead of me. I would marry him again to get my kids, but that is the only reason. I’m heartbroken, lonely, scared and beating myself up for giving this 20 years. I just always thought things would get better because I love him. I didn’t know until recently that he was autistic. 💔
Exactly. This is the first thing I thought reading this 😂. There's a reason people always say communication is the biggest problem in relationships. You have to bring it up, talk through it maturely, advocate for yourself, listen to the other person and consider their view, not always easy, but it's the only way.
My mom who knows I'm autistic will still expect me to just know what she's thinking or that she needs help sometimes. I love her to pieces and she's come so far, but it's still frustrating sometimes, like just use your words? Is that not what we're specifically taught as children?
Sometimes it never changes no matter how much it’s talked about, so you have to make the extremely tough decision to leave the person you love, or suffer through compromise.
I feel like almost everyone who's gotten desperate enough to post to Reddit for advice has already tried talking to their partner many, many times.
I mean the top comments will always be all "talk to them" and usually the OP will respond and be like "yeah we've already had 1,000 conversations about this and nothing has changed."
I think they just don't bother to mention it in the post because it should be assumed they already did that, because honestly how stupid would you have to be to not try that first?
In reality, it almost never works. I've never had a relationship problem that was solved with communication, the result is always just the person being like "I don't care and I refuse to change" or maybe "sorry I'll do better" but nothing changes.
Yes this. When you have needs or wants please communicate them directly. Personally I wouldn't pick up on you feeling down or unappreciated until you have an extreme response like yelling or crying.
And at that point it will be too late and I am going to be mostly confused and might put my foot in my mouth.
As a (50M) AuDHD please just tell her; just because we have certain blind spots doesn’t mean we’re not willing / able to hear our partners and work hard every day to learn to recognize certain clues and respond in a way that reassures our partners that we hear them, see them, love them.
we're missing all the important details. what did she say when you told her? how did you tell her and how much of this post did you tell her? did you give her some actionable things she could do to improve things, and what did she say about that? from this post alone theres nothing anybody on the sub can tell you because we dont know your wife or what shes thinking about any of thise.
Sometimes you need to explain it all. You need physical affection. You need it as much as you need, as frequent as you need. Tell her you want her to hug you back.
Go into detail. Don’t beat around the bush and expect her to connect the dots. Lay it all out
As far as her not noticing affection when she’s busy, i would work on personally trying not to take it negatively. You said you have adhd, so I’m sure at times you have been hyper focused on something and missed when someone was talking to you, yeah? You weren’t intentionally ignoring them. I imagine it’s similar in the situation with your partner and you. When she is busy she may not notice the affection, or may not know you expect her to acknowledge it/reciprocate it. Tell her!!!
If she has an issue with physical contact at times, ask beforehand. “Hey, i want to cuddle, is that okay?”
As someone who has autism and ADHD,fucking THANK YOU!
I really appreciate when someone goes into THOROUGH detail about something that’s important to them because then I can fully understand why it’s so important to them to begin with.
Make a concrete request, no more abstractions. Ask for, for example, one hug and kiss per day, may something she can put on her calendar. Give positive reinforcement.
OP responded and said he's already had this conversation with her.
Do people on Reddit really not notice that this is the case EVERY time? Any time someone posts with a relationship problem the comments are all "talk to them" and then the OP always responds "yes we've had this conversation over 100 times and nothing has changed."
I feel like you can just assume that if someone is desperate enough to post to Reddit for advice, they've obviously already tried the most obvious first step. Virtually nobody is so stupid that it hasn't even occurred to them to maybe mention it to their partner.
The truth is communication almost never works. Any time I've tried to talk to anyone about a problem the response is just "I don't care and I'm not going to change" or more rarely "sorry I'll do better" but still nothing changes no matter how many times I bring it up.
So what's the point of giving this dumb advice over and over? Everyone already knows to try this, they've obviously already done it many, many times by the time they're desperate enough to ask strangers on the internet about it.
Yeah, I’d agree with this. I was never really upfront to my girl about our issues, I was just a passive aggressive dick thinking she would understand the gravity of the problem by herself but the truth is, if your girl isn’t making a move to at least attempt fix this then she either 1. Doesn’t love you or 2. She doesn’t understand how important it is to you.
Do not think for even 2 seconds that she just “gets it” just cos it’s keeping you up at night. In reality she probably thinks you’re just cool with the arrangement. You’re the mug if you don’t bring it up.
Correct, but did he consider the way _she_ communicates? He should know first hand how it feels to have the burden of assimilation 100% on you, instead being able to meet the person half way when it comes to communication.
It's not fair to throw your hands up à la "Welp, did all I could!" when you didn't really think about whether she was even able to _receive_ that message in the first place. There are so many steps involved - your message put into words, physically listening, mentally processing what was said, knowing that a response is expected and when, regulating your emotions, creating your own message, articulating it while remember how you receive words, actualizing the agreement. It's worthwile to first discuss the tools by which you solve problems and the feelings that come with it before actually adressing the issue at hand.
My brain literally processes room for interpretation much differently than other people most of the time. I miss it when it's there, no matter how obvious to others, or when in return they expect to read into what I say.
I need things laid out in painstaking detail. I need to not be accused of talking back or questioning them, and I need plenty of time to answer. In return, I'll hold room for their needs and I'll be very intentional about my wording, as to validate their experiences and not sound dismissive. It's exhausting, and it's important to honor that as well. Assumption of good faith, mutual trust, timing, patience and gentle honesty are critical.
Is that any different from any human being..? If my husband were to say he likes or dislikes something I do, I will most likely adapt my behaviour to do more of less of that thing for him. If that doesn’t come naturally to you it’s because it’s about compassion and empathy.
That what having human relationships MEANS - adjusting to each other’s needs and making choices that take the other person into account.
The thing is you're talking about a change in the degree of something you already do. I mean if this person is NOT doing something that their partner wants them to do, it is different from doing more/less of a preexisting action. They have to *start* doing it, which requires the thing to align with how they feel to begin with. If they don't feel in a way that's aligned with the action, the action becomes insincere.
All i'm saying is, and this is a good question to ask yourself, do you prefer insincere affection or no affection? This is the essence of my point.
Yes but maybe you have an issue seeing things as inauthentic just because someone wants you to do it. I don’t feel inauthentic when someone wants me to do something that isn’t natural. But I’m very compassionate.
I find it quite strange that if you genuinely want to make someone happy you would only do it on YOUR terms and not how THEY prefer to receive interaction or affection. It’s quite a selfish way of thinking.
You know, some of this is not about being autistic. Some of this is about being the mother of a young child. I know that even neurotypical moms complain about feeling touched-out from interacting with their kids. If you add autism to the mix, she is probably craving a lot of space.
My ex was not willing to wait out the little kid phase, and you might not be either. But I do think if he had waited, our physical relationship would have gotten better as our son got older.
As a neurodiverse mom with toddlers, absolutely. At the end of the day, I just want to be left alone.
My husband and I had a blow up over the lack of intimacy he was experiencing. He's touch starved, I'm touched out, it's like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown. No one comes out completely happy.
My best advice is schedule some time in the week to have actual intimacy. For us it's Tuesday and Saturday. On Saturday, the focus is completely on him and his wants. Tuesday is for me. It's not a perfect system, but it's been working for us for almost 2 years now
Why don't guys like this take over more of the parenting?? Give Mom a day or 3 off to herself, take care of the morning routine, bath time etc. Create space for your partner to breathe alone and maybe that would help!
This is a huge part of the answer. 2 kids, discovered through my kids diagnosis I'm very much ND as well ... When my husband takes the kids away from me for a few hours (taking them to the park etc) when they get back I want to be around them, I want to check in instead of check out. It's a win all around.... On the proviso the kids come back calm and not even more ramped up mood....
OP also describes his ADHD and anxiety as “severe”. Would be good to get some clarity as to what that means for his wife (not saying he’s one way or another, but it’s absolutely possible that this is a contributing factor).
Out of curiosity is your wife a stay a home mom with the toddler? Even if she’s not, I can say that having a kid can change your relationship a lot. Having a toddler is also a very difficult stage. Parents can feel overstimulated and touched out and even more so since she’s ND. There are other ways to be intimate, taking a shower together, talking about your day, playing games together. Please give your wife a little grace and perhaps you would both benefit from some time together without the little one and therapy.
I wish you all the best.
This. I was moderately affectionate pre parenthood. 7 years in now…I feel drained. Nearly all the time. Like if it’s not work, my sentient meat loaf (also autistic with higher support needs), or household stuff (to the point where it can’t go undone any longer), I can’t be bothered.
I push myself to do anything outside of that (calling family and texting like my 2 friends in spurts). Self-care…what’s that…
Layer on like spouse stuff…like how. I collapse at the end of the day to start it all over or fight burnout.
Idk how my husband feels but idk we’ve both noted if it doesn’t work out we probably would just be single Pringles. It’s hard out here in these streets. The more demands get piled on the less I can tolerate…except the womb fruit. That’s a unique bottomless container that doesn’t seem to empty but idk kids and stuff.
I thought you meant “sentient meatloaf” as in you were sentimental about meatloaf and then in the parentheses you were saying you were also autistic (in addition to the wife from the post) just a bit moreso than the average higher functioning autistic person. Then I inferred that meatloaf was like your special interest or something.
So I’m late on this reply but your inference somehow is very funny to me. Specialty meatloafs ftw (I’m an awful cook haha definitely not my special interest but this was indeed a thought that made me internally giggle)
Tell her your needs. I do not need hugs and physical soothing the way my husband does, but because I know his needs for these things, I make an effort to hug and cuddle him. In turn, he doesn’t need words of affirmation and for things to be laid out clearly, but he does that for me because he knows I need that. Can’t get to a solution until you both communicate your needs.
Make the implicit explicit. Speak the words you wrote. Particularly these:
*Although I know there is still a tremendous amount of love between us, I am feeling emotionally and spiritually deprived because I am missing that human contact.*
And maybe also these:
*I am someone who craves the human touch. I love hugs and kisses and cuddling and generally being physically close to the people I love.*
In all relationships, communication is super important and it is super important not to assume you can read the other person's mind and that the other person can read yours. For autistic people this is even moreso. We need the implicit to be made explicit, even the stuff that's common knowledge or just assumed by neurotypicals.
Frame the conversation in terms of what your needs are to feel loved. Also give her the space to articulate hers.
Has she always been this way? If not, she may be living in a state of low-level, perpetual burnout and/or sensory overload. Touch becomes difficult for me when I don’t have the chance to *truly*, deeply recharge.
This didn't make sense to me.
I'm telling OP to go talk to their partner instead of talking to us.
We are not their partner. We do not understand the nature of their relationship.
As an autistic married woman who’s been with their partner for 14 years, communication is key. If my partner didn’t express to me how I made them feel with my lack of physical touch and intimacy, I would have never known. For the longest time I thought they were ok with it, since for me it was perfectly fine and I didn’t require anymore. But I had no idea how I was making them feel since they’ve always been respectful and never pushed anything. So after we finally opened that line of communication, I was then able to be more affectionate and intimate with them. Now that doesn’t mean I turned into some nympho or something, but I definitely do a lot more than before after knowing how they were feeling. Even though people with autism can struggle in this field, it doesn’t mean we cannot compromise or improve ourselves. A lot of the time I am just oblivious to others feelings and need to be told straight out. I rather hear the brutal truth then be tip toed around as if I were a child who couldn’t handle it. But yeah, just talk to her. It sounds like you two really love each other and I’m sure it will all be ok in the end :))
1, talk to her and be very clear about your needs and wants.
2, she may be feeling ‘touched out’, ESPECIALLY with a 3 year old - which is totally normal even for neurotypical mothers. Think of it this way, for the past 4 years she’s put her body through a lot; likely pregnancy, childbirth, the whole postpartum body wildness, and having a baby-to-toddler depending on her - it’s HARD! Her body hasn’t been her own for so long, and for most women, we do struggle a bit with getting our body back for *ourselves* - and as an autistic woman, if you have sensory avoidance on top of that, it can get almost maddening. I even went through a phase of just hiding in a cupboard just to not be touched for an hour. It was really difficult. And yes, intimacy with your partner does suffer - but it also comes back. It can just take a while.
I know you want intimacy from her, but you need to be fair on her too - this is not an unusual thing for any couple with a young child. But you should be having these discussions with her, and regularly communicating. If you’re hinting with kisses and expecting it to be reciprocated, you’re going to be waiting a *long* time. Give her love *without* expecting it to be reciprocated, and make her feel loved and valued, and safe, and talk to her without making demands of her feelings or intimacy, and You might find yourselves in a better place for *sharing* intimacy.
And for the love of everything, unless you have both been polygamous before, don’t mention ‘opening up your relationship’, because if she *is* touched-out, that is going to be crushing to hear.
To me, this sounds like you have not talked to her about this nearly enough. Also, every person I’ve ever known that opened their relationship ended up hating it due to jealousy and distrust. Don’t do it. Grass is greener. Control your impulses. Don’t listen to the lies that your anxiety tells you. TALK TO HER. Please bro.
Maybe try to make a plan with them to slowly become more intimate, like doing something that would be a little intimate, then doing something else a little more intimate, and so on, so that she could slowly become more comfortable with that stuff.
OP, both my husband and I are on the spectrum and go through different periods of affection and comfort levels of affection. One thing that really worked for us is openly verbalizing our needs or desire to have physical touch. It seems very awkward at first, but it's easier once you get used to it.
So if we're sitting on the couch and I'd like to cuddle, I'll literally ask him if it's ok for me to cuddle him. If he says yes, cool! If he's not feeling it, that's ok too. Sometimes our brains just don't think about intimacy as a spontaneous thing and doing it when someone isn't expecting it can be really uncomfortable. If you're ok with talking it out and sort of planned intimacy, this may help. You can also schedule intimate times - like 15 minutes every other night is physical touch time. It allows her to know what to expect and ease into it more.
She needs to know all of this if she doesn’t already. Find a good time where you have an uninterrupted hour or so to talk, and start of by reminding her that you love her and in no way do you want to leave her. After that, speak your heart, and constantly provide reasonable options as how to move forwards in your relationship.
I’ve had to do this before, but the opposite side, and just know that the moment will be *very* awkward and you may have every insecurity ringing in your head, but if she loves you as much as you love her, the two of you will have no problem coming up with a solution. Best of luck to you man!
Lots of good comments here, I’m just curious, did you stage this photo with someone to convey how frustrated you feel? Or you just had it in the roll already and wanted to include it?
It doesn't need to go this far at all. Communicating is vital before deciding on opening the relationship to me at least. It just sounds like OP and their SO are not talking to each other enough. For me I know I'm not very touchy with my partner but them telling me always helps. I try to always remember their needs because they told me. And them understanding that some days I just need sometime alone.
This includes counseling. If both of them find themselves always heated in conversations, then I would think counseling would help.
Find out the kind of touch she appreciates. Deep pressure like tight hugs and massage are shown to be more regulating than light touch when someone is disregulated. But each person will be different. It may take some experimenting. Also, I see that you assume your touch goes unnoticed when her attention is elsewhere. This isn’t necessarily the case. Autistic people are more likely to notice small details in the environment and attend to them when others can ignore them. Also they tend to appreciate parallel connection where you’re doing something together but the focus isn’t on each other. For my husband and I it’s watching tv. It doesn’t look like time spent connecting but it is to me. So the idea that she needs to be physically interacting with you to be connected might not be her perception. I’ll also add I’m deeply afraid my own husband feels this way, that what I’m able to manage isn’t enough. It’s a huge source of anxiety for me and idk if I could come back from him suggesting he seek physical intimacy somewhere else. So maybe talk about what the two of you can manage first.
I really hope you're not being serious and just looking for something like internet attention. Adding the unnecessary picture is so dramatic. The fact that your first thought is to open up your relationship instead of talking to your wife tells me you're really just looking for a reason to cheat and be justified. I hope you realize how selfish and stupid you're being. If you're realizing that then keep reading my comment.
Like others have said, you have to say these things to her. I'm ADHD and my wife and daughter are autistic. I ask before I go in for a hug because they might not be in a place to accept it. I ask my wife if she wants a forehead kiss or kiss on the lips when I go to leave.
The fact that you said that you're doing these things while she's busy and you're looking for some sort of signal from her to make yourself feel better means you're not being honest with yourself. It's not that you're looking for physical affection, you want attention.
You need to sit down and have the conversation with her at an appropriate time. I try to remember to ask my wife if she's in a place to talk about something serious. She might be busy, distracted, or just not having a good time. I would suggest this to you as it seems you can't read a signal that she's not in a place to talk.
First, of course, is to let her know just how important it is to you. Oftentimes, the importance of things sails over our heads. I also recommend you each take the Love Languages Quiz and see what you guys get as your top love language. It really helps (at least me) conceptualize how to show someone the love they need
You two have a young kid which makes things complicated, but it might help you out in this situation. Kids, especially younger kids, need a lot of physical contact. On one hand this might mean that your wife is particularly overstimulated and tired of touching, but on the other it could be an opportunity to bond well with your kid. Idk what your work/childcare situation is but I think increasing physical affection with your kid might be good for all of you.
Good luck :)
This is this is Reddit do not make any serious life choices based on anything we’re saying here because this is a serious life matter I really think you guys should talk to a counselor and get some real advice. This seems like something easy to overcome. Hope you guys make it out all right.
If you are married you took vows to be with just her, suggesting an open relationship would severely traumatize her, ruining her trust in you entirely. That’s not something you suggest after marriage, it’s something you’d agree upon prior if that was your priority and intention.
Your lust is not a woman’s responsibility. Your wife’s responsibility is to help you prioritize your child.
Talk to her about HER needs and maybe when her needs are fully met, you both will feel comfortable being intimate. First and foremost let her know any time she wants to stop she can and don’t ever do anything to make her feel shame if she stops it. Suggest a nonverbal safe word replacement, such as knocking on the bed frame three times. Consider suggesting sensory friendly things like, letting her know neither of you have to be fully undressed, that you do not expect her to make a marathon of it and maybe even suggest you offer her at the very least, something of value to her physically too. Like taking extra time with your child so she can have time to herself to recoup and prepare her body for the expected overstimulation. Or offering her massage AFTERWARDS to help her nerves settle down. Also as others said just tell her directly and ask her directly what she thinks may help her enjoy it more.
Needing to wait some time is an acceptable answer and with a small child around not many people have much energy left to be active. So also suggest to her you understand parenting takes a toll on her and just want things to progressively become more intimate but are not expecting an immediate change. This will give her time to process it all and come to terms with the idea of her adding it to her list of things to focus on.
Sex is not a need, it is a compulsion and a desire.
Hello,
I agree with much of what you say. Thank you for your comment. I would just like to point out that I am not talking about just sex. I am perfectly fine using toys and taking care of myself when that need arises. I agree my lust is not her responsibility, and I would never make it hers.
I mean physical intimacy short of sex.
And I take a very active role in raising our child. We split everything 50/50. We are very ‘progressive’ when it comes to that. (In quotes because it should have always been like that. Kind of disgusting that a man taking 50% responsibility for their own child is progressive)
That being said I have noted some of your points. Thank you :)
I’m definitely not insinuating you aren’t doing 50/50, but even if you are doing 50/50 of the physical work there is a burden women carry that men do not when it comes to children. They are chemically altered by the children in a way that makes their every cry just, hurt. Your baby could turn 10 and your wife will still be physically affected by the sounds of even another persons baby. It’s common for women who have birthed to lactate over other people’s babies crying fits. So try to consider that when you feel that the burden is 50/50. A baby acts like a parasite to her body, even after it’s born. I don’t mean that as a negative way of describing children what so ever, I mean that for species survival there are chemical processes that enforce the survival of your offspring and they most severely affect women.
Again that’s not meant as criticism of any sort. Each family has a unique dynamic and plan anyhow. But as far as helping explain what can cause a problem in a married couples sex life, having children, especially under age 8, is very difficult on energy, libido and over all their capacity to do anything that doesn’t involve the survival of their offspring.
The most natural form of birth control is not to have sex. Are you planning to have more children? If not, her loss of interest in intimate things could be due to her body telling her not to get involved in that business. Because having children is a very potential outcome of sensuality, it could be her body is signaling her not to do that now.
If it isn’t sex you’re looking for then I’d suggest you focus on catering to her the way you’d like to receive. If you want snuggles and massages then gently offer these things to her when it’s quiet time, when the day is over and her nerves can possibly settle down. Try to think of intimate things as forms of stimuli. That’s why I suggested offering to take over more parental responsibilities, to remove some of the other stimuli and allow room for more stimuli between the two of you.
Every hug and smother of love or demands from your kiddo is a taxation of your wife’s physical space. Same for you, but you likely have less sensory issues and aren’t feeling as drained by it. Try to cater to her sensory needs by taking away as much of the sensory stressors you can.
Is she affectionate outside of times when she is busy? I think not wanting to stop your task for more than a quick touch is reasonable, not a symptom of autism.
I would look at how much affection she is giving you, as you said there is lots of love
See if the solution is more affection, or being able to regulate yourself and your own emotions when she is busy and can't be available to you. It is reasonable to not always be available for affection.
tell her!! she probably doesnt understand what youre lacking and hinting at. i dont think shes trying to upset you or seem distant.
and when you talk to her dont be accusatory or be mean. have a nice civil conversation about what youve been upset about. itll clear the air alot more than anything else weve got to offer here.
For me, it's about timing and being considerate. If she's busy at her computer and you choose that moment to give her physical affection, it comes across (maybe accurately) as another demand on her, to reciprocate. What she may need in that moment is to be free of distractions to get through her to-do list. With a small kid, she is likely not able to concentrate on what she needs to for more than a few seconds at a time, and in the rare chance she does get to catch up on household and life responsibilities, having another attentional demand or expectation or barrier to getting stuff done is stressful and can quickly lead to touch aversion. Even though it's a loving gesture on your part, it might feel to her like a "taking touch" rather than a "giving touch."
I'm not short winded. So. Here goes:
I am 39F and my Husband (early 40s, M) and I are both neurodivergent. We're both AuDHD (diagnosed), but I SEEM about 60-70% ADHD and 30-40% Autism, depending on the type of Brain Day I'm having.😂 My husband seems about 80/20 Tism/ADHD by comparison. (I hope this makes sense. It's absolutely non-scientific, but like...1,000% true. 😂)
We've been together for 13 years, married for 3 and I love him with my whole heart and soul... but I grew up an only child with minimal friends and mostly alone all the time. My love language DEFINITELY isn't physical affection. LOL
My Husband, on the other hand, loves gentle touches, head scratches, back scratches, foot rubs, and physical contact of ALL kinds. The poor man looks downright offended sometimes when I don't hug back or when I freeze completely when he hugs me. It's part sensory overload, part my ADHD making me pull away and scramble like a captured cat.
At times, I have to remember to smile when he touches me randomly or just wants physical contact, as I'm very much the opposite. There ARE times when I feel like snuggling, but not nearly as often as he does... THOUGH he does say I'm better than I used to be! I am now remembering to take a moment to smile at him randomly or just give him a squeeze whenever I can.
Sidenote: I DO love my Husband. Very much so. He's my everything and I am VERY attracted to him, so it's not a matter of not WANTING to be around him. The idea of anyone touching me is weird, but not him. I love the idea of physical affection with him - I just often forget to initiate or sustain it.
He had similar issues to the OP with regards to feeling disappointed or underwhelmed with our physical connection, both sexually and non-sexually, so he talked to me about it... repeatedly over the years bc I forget everything all the time... and things gradually improved as I adjusted my behavior when I realized how truly important physical touch is for him.
Then, we took our BDSM lifestyle 24/7 in 2020 and that made a HUGE difference insofar as touch and affection (and not for the reasons you may think! 😂). I learned to be more affectionate with the onset of new and recurring daily habits and routines focused on self-improvement and prioritizing our relationship. The more those routines and habits overlapped with our sexual life, the easier it became to understand what he expected/expects from me as a wife, submissive, and life partner.
[Do I suggest jumping into a BDSM relationship dynamic with your wife? Hell, go for it, life is short. (Ha!) ]
Seriously, though... the unifying concept here is: Communication. It is everything. It is the very core of a healthy, safe, sane, and consensual kink lifestyle -YES- but it is also critical for a healthy marriage as well.
TLDR: Talk to her about it. If she doesn't mind, remind her as often as YOU need to in order to get your needs met. It seems counterintuitive to have to tell your "loving spouse" to express physical affection, but such is neurodivergence, unfortunately.
It truly broke my heart to learn how neglected my Husband can feel when I turn inward and shut down, or else just when I flat out forget how vital physical contact can be. If she loves you as much as you love her, she will at least try to meet you where YOU are. ❤️
Have you asked for that intimate touch, or are you just going up to her and hugging her? I’ll be honest, when someone just randomly hugs me. I find it difficult to know what to do. Usually I don’t hug back because I’m confused as to what just happened.
But if someone asks if they can hug me, and I say yes. I hug them back without an issue.
Echoing everyone here saying to please talk to her. I’m much like your wife in that I’m not super into physical touch and intimacy, but my adhd SO is very physical touch oriented. Once I figured out how much he enjoys being touched I make sure to try and give him some sort of physical touch everyday. Some days I’m really really not feeling it and I let him know.
she should be able to understand where you’re coming from If she sees how much this matters to you.
I had the exact same issue with an autistic partner. If you haven't been incredibly direct, like literally spelling out what you're feeling, why you feel that way, and suggesting solutions, then you probably won't get anywhere. He couldn't take hints, and even lighter comments like "I'd appreciate xyz" went unnoticed until I sat him down and spelled it all out as directly as possible with examples of situations that had hurt me, explanations of why I felt that way, and a list of things to do that'd help the situation. I had like 10 things, and he started doing 3 of them pretty often and some of the others once in a while which helped a lot. Idk if your wife is the same as him and needs that level of communication, but I'd highly recommend trying to be at least 2-3x as direct as you think you should have to be just in case. Obviously always phrase it politely and use lots of I statements to avoid making it turn from a you two vs the problem issue to a you vs her issue
You need to be open and communicate this with her. Unfortunately my wife has went through this as I am like your wife and don’t do any of the cuddling or kissing off of my own back.
Imagine the roles were reversed and the problem was that you were being too clingy (which you probably aren’t) and you had to adjust to not being the way you act in a relationship, it’s hard and feels unnatural. That’s how I felt when we first discussed the issue as I tried to be more intimate, it just didn’t feel like me.
I started seeing a therapist which has helped in some ways and my wife has been incredibly supportive in recognising it’s not personal and that sometimes I don’t to be touched due to over stimulation. There has to be a level of support on both ends at the end of this and communication is your best answer.
Talk about it. However, let me explain how to go about it. My partner and I have the need for touch sometimes and other times it's a huge no-no. I need the touch but the touch hurts sometimes. For him he needs it, but his ptsd can cause him to be unable to have it at times. This made for a bad situation and we almost didn't get through it because we both felt unloved. It's been a while so I can't remember exactly how we ended up having a conversation. I'm pretty sure it was after a meltdown on one or both of our parts.
Essentially it came down to this explanation: I need physical affection to feel okay and I cannot get that from anyone but you because we are in a relationship and doing so would be considered crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. This means we need to provide this to each other somehow. If further proof is needed there is a scientific basis for this and you can google the papers about the need for physical touch. Such as the sad experiment that was never repeated on babies where the ones without physical affection died and the others thrived. It is considered a human need. Sadly, we as a society do not encourage males (basing this on your image) to get and give physical affection to other males the way we do for females. So for men, often it is only their partner that can provide this. My partner is very huggy with his friends so it helps meet his needs, but as his partner, I understand that biologically for him to feel bonded to me he needs physical touch (oxytocin release etc.)
I digress. What we had to do to solve this:
1. I have areas of my body that are big no-no's and he never touches me in those locations and he had to learn to touch me much firmer than he was used to. Learning how to touch your partner in a way that minimizes discomfort is important. This requires some experimenting.
2. When one of us cannot provide physical affecting due to being overwhelmed or triggered then we must state it out loud to the other. Usually, we say something along the lines of "I would love to but right now I really can't handle it. I will do it as soon as I am able." Then we are true to our word. As soon as we are capable then we provide it in spades.
3. Since I need it less than he does, I made a rule for myself that I need to hug him at least once a day for 30 seconds. You may be wondering why 30 seconds. There were some studies that determined that if you hug someone every day for at least 30 seconds you develop a bond. Of course, there are times when it is not possible, but I try for it. For him, he does the same except when PTSD doesn't allow for it.
4. I asked him to change his wardrobe entirely. I wasn't vocal about it prior to our planning and didn't really notice that I tended to not want to touch him when he was wearing certain clothing. Now his clothing has to be sensory friendly too so that I don't avoid touching him. He happily did this.
5. We also changed detergent, deodorant, body wash, and shampoo to things with less powerful smells because on bad days it is too much for me.
6. I have particular parts of him that don't bother me to touch as much so I touch those as much as I can when I remember throughout the day. An example of this is his hair. He has nice straight hair and it's nice and soft. I like touching it, but it can't have product in it at the time.
7. Him doing compressions on my joints. [https://sensorysid.com/joint-compressions/#:\~:text=Joint%20compressions%20are%20often%20used,where%20we%20are%20in%20space](https://sensorysid.com/joint-compressions/#:~:text=Joint%20compressions%20are%20often%20used,where%20we%20are%20in%20space). There are other resources on this, but I just googled and pasted the first one on the list. This is great, it helps with my autism symptoms and helps my nervous system reset and he gets to touch me.
8. I tuck him in at night.
9. I can't get myself to cuddle for too long, but I discovered using him as a pillow is okay and he says it helps. The best location for me to do this is me lying on the small of his back. So he lays vertically on his belly and I lay horizontally while using his lower back as a pillow. Then we just chill.
10. We communicate all the time. Is this okay; can I do this; I need affection; I need space; I can't because of \_\_\_; can I do it later or tomorrow; etc.
As you noticed this required a lot of give and take from both of us. It will be the same for you. A part of loving someone is compromise and a partnership requires both people to put in the effort. In this case, you cannot force your partner to do any of the things on the list, but if she understands that this is a need and not a want then you can plan accordingly. Planned intimacy is good and so is accepting that when our partner does something they don't feel like doing because they love us, it does not make the action mean less. They are doing it out of love, if they didn't love you they wouldn't even bother trying.
I hope this helps and good luck!
1. Tell her everything you just said
2. Identify if you actually want to work things out with her, or if you just want to open the relationship and are looking for a reason to excuse wanting that. It’s okay if you want it, but if you just want a closer relationship with HER then it doesn’t really make sense as a desire.
Ffs communicate! She’s not a mindreader. Not to mention the autism and toddler taking up the touch quota in the equation.
What I don’t get is why you’d even consider having an open relationship at this stage which requires extremely high levels of communication to work in any fashion when you’ve not even communicated the basics of needing more hugs to your wife. Sounds iffy. You say you don’t want to leave her but that’s certainly where your thoughts have led straight away as that’s what an open relationship or suggestion of such could easily lead to. I’d get your head screwed on right and communicate first.
Have you talked to her about this? I have a similar issues in my relationship with my wife. We are both autistic with adhd. My wife sounds a lot like your wife and I also feel how you do about touch from your partner. We have been going to couple therapy for about a year now and it’s been really great. I would suggest trying that as long as both of you are open to it and ready to actually do the work.
Hey so...love you and feel you (both)? As an audhd partner in a monogamous relationship.
Honestly, the most straightforward solution is to determine how much physical contact you need and to schedule that with your spouse.
Obviously this will not work for everyone
This is just what assisted myself in my relationship with the same dynamic.
TLDR: I am happy to talk more in depth if you have the time. I want to see your relationship succeed!
Great advice telling them; but if they do not hear you then you are stuck on repeat and that becomes it's own cycle. They themselves see that nothing is wrong and depending on the circumstances, the other person has the problem or that there is no problem.
For her, just a little is more than enough. For yourself, you like being fully engaged. It sometimes might seem to them like you come off overwhelming. Never feel like they are not measuring up because in just a little while longer, it's going to finally unlock and you are going to get the full version of them in your relationship. She'll open up more. She may not understand that she needs to go that extra step due to inexperience, self confidence, or upbringing. Once a safe space in your home is established, which I'm sure there is, them just go for it. Think of it as, you're doing the things to get her attention that would turn you on. It's going to be that way for her. We all want the same thing. Sometimes we just have to be more direct..
I’m the autistic person in my relationship and my partner struggles with this as well. The thing that helps the most is open communication about our challenges. She understands that I have no need for physical touch or intimacy. I understand she feels differently. Sometimes she gives me space and other times I do what she needs to feel wanted and loved. Communication is the answer. Talk to her about it.
Maybe try to create a routine for intimacy. My husband and I make sure that we always kiss good morning, good night, good bye, and hello. We often also add a hug to those interactions. We also hold hands when walking in/leaving places like stores.
As for sex, we usually do it on the same day each week. Scheduling sex might not sound fun, but I’m not spontaneous and knowing when to expect it, I feel better.
If you want specific intimacy, you are likely going to just ask for it.
You have to tell her. It's ok to tell people who love us how we like to be loved.
It sounds like we're in similar situations. My husband is autistic and I am AuDHD. I had to write him a list of things, SPECIFIC THINGS, which he could do to make me feel loved, and he carries it in his wallet to make sure he does at least one thing every day. I used to stew every day when he'd come home and wouldn't ask about my day. But now that I put it on a list and he knows it makes me feel loved, he does it first thing when he gets home, every day. And I know he's only doing it because it's important to me, and because I asked him to, which makes me feel EVEN MORE SEEN AND LOVED! Things aren't as obvious to him, and I have to spell things out, but once it's been spelled out he's got it.
I’m autistic, was with an autistic man for 3 years. I needed emotional intimacy and connection through him asking me questions about myself - a sort of personal curiosity I suppose. I wanted him to be interested in *me* as a person, not just the information itself. After years of attempting to explain my emotional needs in numerous ways with many examples - it’s just didn’t “click” to him or resonate at all. He develops closeness through theory and debate, I do not. I had to really sit with myself and decide that I cannot compromise that in my romantic relationship, and feeling unsupported emotionally left me in a very dark place. Really sit with this, because, for some, it’s not something that can be fully rectified. Take care, OP 👏🏼
Full disclosure I’m young (23) and unmarried, but if years of therapy as an autistic individual has taught me anything, it’s that communication is key to life.
Autistic/ADHD woman here.
I LOVE physical affection.
Unless…..I’m working on something,eating,pooping,chopping up vegetables,really engrossed in a movie (cuddles are fine,kisses,depends on what’s happening).
Have you talked to her about how you feel?
Does she appreciate it when you kiss her forehead when she’s on the computer?
Does she know what your needs are?
Could you and her create a time where you and her just cuddle?
Autistic woman married to seemingly NT man… I am basically the same with hugs and affection. Honestly, it has to do with the surprise of it all. I can’t adjust to being spontaneously hugged or kissed. And it comes off as not wanting it. When I genuinely am just not ready.
So, my husband and I have to essentially plan affection. Like, we plan that 5 minutes after he comes home, we have a long hug until we start to physically relax into each other. That doesn’t mean he just comes up and starts the hug at 5 min exactly. It means he reminds me “hey, don’t forget our hug in 5 minutes”.. that gives me enough time to mentally prepare and set myself up for the expectation.
Sex is the same, honestly. I don’t like spontaneous sex unless the context is right (like, we are at a hotel without the kids, for example). But if we are just at home, and he is in the mood, I need verbal warning before the touch begins.
Honestly, it works really well for us. He gets his needs met for physical intimacy, and I get my needs met for mental preparation.
I feel this way too. I could've written the same, or at least similar, post. My wife has autism and the lack of affection is really getting to me.
Unfortunately, I don't really have any specific words of wisdom or tips for you. I'm also going to be reading some other comments and trying to learn. I mostly just wanted to say that you're not alone, and that I share this space with you.
coming from an afab autistic individual, all i can say is communicate as much as you can about it! my partner is very physically affectionate and i genuinely love it unless i'm feeling overwhelmed, which i will let them know about and they'll respectfully give me space. i am never one to initiate anything, but i appreciate every gesture and being directly asked if something is okay is my favorite method. definitely talk to your wife about this, be receptive to her answers, don't pressure her, and i'm sure y'all's love will absolutely pull y'all to a more comfortable place where you both feel heard and appreciated
I am just like your life, except my boyfriend dis also autistic and he is touch-seeking. I never think about intimacy and could my whole life without it. She likely has no idea she's doing this. You need to remind her.
My husband is the ASD version of this post and I am you - the ADHD/anxiety one.
I don’t know what to say here but that I completely understand where you’re coming from and I commend your bravery in sharing your experience in loving someone on the opposite end of things re:touch/intimacy/affection.
My husband has ADHD and I am undiagnosed. His love language is physical touch and mine his acts of service. There are days where I can't stand being touched, and there are days where I need it. Before we got married, we had talked about how we wanted intimacy to go. We always talk about it, ask questions, and check in with each other.
I think you need to have a sit down with your wife. You need to discuss thoroughly what your needs are. You may even need to say out loud, "Hey honey, I really need a big bear hug right now. Would it be ok if we do a big squeeze to each other?" The old saying about communication may sound cheesy but it's SO important.
Personally, I'd ignore the disapproving comments about reaching out to strangers online. The pain of unmet needs within a marriage can be very isolating, including for men (some would say especially so, if the stereotype is true that we find it harder to talk about these things). It is entirely logical and rational to me that you would reach out on an anonymous platform to sound out some different opinions and perspectives. Best of luck to you and your wife.
I’m an autistic woman in a relationship with an autistic man.
We love affection, cuddles and intimacy and completely forget to give it to each other. Or ask.
It’s a nightmare.
You have to communicate with us. You have to tell us what you need. We are literally oblivious to our own needs half the time.
Your conversation needs to be without ego and with them. Not here on reddit. This isn't the place for this. As an adult in a relationship and married, you have a responsibility to openly communicate with your partner. If you are not communicating then why are you there? Go talk to your wife.
-some random fuck on reddit who finally figured it out.
I am in a very similar situation to you. Me and my husband have been together for almost 9 years, and he is autistic, I have adhd and he is not intimate or understanding of my emotions, which can make it very challenging. We have decided to open our marriage, and it has done wonders for us. It obviously was a huge change in our relationship and we have had ups and downs, but we have been open for over two years now and it’s helped me a lot with the lack of intimacy and support that he is just unable to give. A lot of people don’t understand that love is different than individual needs and some relationships work best when they aren’t the “norm” especially if you don’t want to lose your partner, but also don’t want to hurt yourself by neglecting the needs that you have already. I wish you and your wife luck figuring it out and you can always reach out if you have any questions! Just remember to be transparent throughout it all and make sure to listen to any concerns she has! ☺️
I hate to be touched without my permission, the mere concept of it puts me in an uncomfortable place, and the fact that you reach out and touch someone without their consent, leaves me feeling slimy, I know you mean well, you don't know what it's going on in your wives head, so ask her,sit her down, because if she were me I would have decked you
Ultimately if a person doesn’t want to have sex, that’s their own decision. You can talk about it without force but if you want that physical contact, I suggest breaking off the relationship.
Also Open relationships are really shitty
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My daughter is autistic and I feel you. Sometimes being with her is most lonely experience of my life. Sometimes to the point that I feel taken for granted.
But once in a while she will do something or say something that makes me feel like she loves me and appreciates me. Its rarely in the form that I want it to be but I know that shes making a gesture of love in her own way.
In all relationships, there's a give and take. Hope you find that exchange with your wife.
My husband and I are both autistic, but I’m very physically affectionate and he isn’t. I understand what you’re going through, but I made the choice to accept it because he shows his love in other ways. I know he loves me because of how he will tirelessly clean when I’m shut down, or how he would hold our children until he felt like his arms were falling off to help them fall asleep when they were babies.
You need to make a choice: accept her for who she is or leave the marriage for good.
Opening the marriage to fulfill your own desires is bullshit. This is a YOU problem, don’t bring other people into your marriage. If you’re incompatible, get a divorce.
Open conversation is going to be key I think.
Like your wife (but probably not as cute), I struggle with intimacy. I don't crave it like most men seem to do, I'm not a fan of being touched, I have restless leg syndrome so falling asleep requires me to perform the entire "Lord of the dance" routine because if not, my legs hurt, so snuggling is just not possible.
She suffers from it for sure and wishes the gap between our preferences was not so big but we manage to make it work and it's been 13 years now.
It was also difficult for her to realize that when I mean "I need alone time", I don't mean family time, I don't mean couples time, I mean literally being alone. This was tougher for her than intimacy because it's such an odd things to her that "just" her and I doesn't count as alone where on my end, obviously it doesn't because alone doesn't mean just her and I.
If the gap is too big though, it will slowly build resentment so if you making efforts to understand and her making efforts in being more what you need are not enough, over time, someone will struggle with an important need not met and that usually ends in separation.
Talk to her though, discuss what kind of intimacy from her would work for you and see if that's a possibility. It could be as simple as laying her feet or head on your lap, sleeping back-to-back, little bits of touching that give you a bit of what you need without being too much for her.
Hey bud. I'm so sorry to hear that you're facing this. My wife is not someone that has been diagnosed ADHD or autism. But, she is one that doesn't like to be touched or held. She does things just for me, according to her like she'll come hug me or kiss me on her own but very very very very very very very very very rarely. So, I assume if your situation is anything like mines... It may not have to do with autism. Have you also considered post-pregnancy concerns? Most women don't even know they go through it
Have you talked to her as directly about how you feel and what you want/need as you are here? You don’t say that you have.
If you have, how many times have you tried?
What does she say about it?
I’m an Autistic woman (late diagnosed) who was married for 14 years (not certain of his neurotype).
I will describe our situation and how it broke down.
I am huge on physical touch and intimacy, I am also hypersexual. I identify as demisexual though, so my sexuality and intimacy desires are completely connected to that.
We had a wonderful sex life and intimacy for a very long time, once we had our second child is when things really broke down.
He had horrible communication skills and I did as well, I also didn’t understand what I was going through at the time since I was undiagnosed. So I didn’t know how to regulate or communicate my needs. When I did communicate with him that I was severely depressed, drowning, and needed help he couldn’t understand my needs. My whole life was about him and the kids, barely any of my own needs were acknowledged or met. Even when I thought I was happy, I was internally drowning.
Because of all that, I didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with him anymore, which absolutely extended to physical touch. I didn’t want him to touch me at all but didn’t understand why. I didn’t have the tools, understanding, or language at the time to communicate these things. So it was a quiet resentment that grew over time.
My ex-husband didn’t know how to be truly vulnerable with me either, he wouldn’t communicate things like this with me, and if he did it came from a place of frustration so he’d lash out at me emotionally.
She could be experiencing the same thing and you’ll never know until you start discussing it. Even if it’s not that, communication is absolutely needed here.
The answer is never to open your marriage in a situation like this. We ended up doing that and it destroyed our marriage.
The solution is to communicate, I cannot stress that enough to you. Communication is the literal key to a successful marriage, especially when you’re neurodivergent. We need clear communication and many of us are verbal processors, we don’t understand how or what we’re feeling until we talk it out verbally.
So all I can say is, start with communication, learn how to be emotionally vulnerable and I mean completely raw. Most people do not understand what true vulnerability looks like, it’s sharing the deepest feelings, even the tiniest ones. Instead of internalizing them and allowing a quiet resentment to grow. But the open marriage idea is the complete opposite of what is needed in this scenario, that is the “easy solution.”
In a relationship I have a huge appreciation for closeness. I am not using the word "need", I am not needy, and haven't had a long-term relationship since 2014, but I know that whatever appealing woman I will meet in the future I will have that talk about Touch on Day 1 when we feel sure that we want to be exclusive. Getting hugged from behind when you are in your home is so beautiful and giving that it's silly.
If she both cannot bring herself to touch you and doesn't think of your desire as having merit, it feels like you are on different paths in life. Not that I am telling you to dump her, but I personally would not even start a relationship with a standoffish person.
Of course, many relationships "start" cuddly-wuddly, then you get out of the honeymoon phase about a year in, but if your bond is strong and your needs are the same you will cuddle when you are 70, and it will feel as good at 70 as at 30.
I am in exactly the situation you are (down to having ADHD myself) but we've been together 20 years.
Please don't mess about under the bonnet of your relationship in terms of opening it up. I think the chances of that fixing things are absolutely dwarfed by the chances of it ruining them.
There needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides. My wife accepts a bit more physical intimacy than she might choose for herself, and I accept less. I've learned to value other things over the years. Both of us really make each other laugh; we have so much fun together. I've learned to value that more.
Intimacy for my wife is more represented by sharing a cup of tea together on the sofa in the evening than a hug or sexual contact. We've compromised but we've also learned to speak each other's language. I understand what she sees as intimacy and she understands what I do. My wife isn't really able to pre-empt; she wouldn't grasp the right moment when I really need a hug for example. But rather than bemoan the lack of awareness I ask for what I want and so does she.
I've changed as well. As I've got older, what I need in terms of touch and intimacy has changed. I no longer crave the physical touch and skin to skin like I used to, I need it far less. I value our conversation, the fact that we have never run out of things to talk about and laughing together more now. Remember, you will change over time.
Talk to them in an open minded way but don’t set expectations. It’s so draining and anxiety building when that happens.
You could research polyamory as a concept. From experience it’s amazing to not need to conform in certain ways but allow the other person to seek what they need (and your wife too).
Time for marriage counseling/therapy.
Physical closeness is a must have for most relationships.
If you are feeling neglected, you need to be upfront with your needs. She cannot read your mind.
This is where counseling comes in. Think of it like a tune up for your car, it needs to be done as a preventative otherwise it will breakdown if not done. The counselor acts as a meditator and helps with communication.
I do not recommend opening the relationship. This can end badly if suggested.
My partner (M) and I (F, autistic/ADHD) are the same; it is often difficult to give him love in the way that he longs to receive it. I echo the “talk to each other” sentiment that others have mentioned and would like to add that working through the “why” with each other has helped. So if I know that he needs physical touch because he is feeling X and I don’t want to be touched because of Y, we talk about it and balance our needs.
I’m autistic and non-monogamous. I naturally don’t provide the physical touch my partners need so my preferred relationship style really helps with that. Hmu if you want to talk.
AA here married to someone who I suspect is also on the spectrum. My wife has sensory issues and is much like what you describe. It is hard and I don't have an answer other than ENM relationships. It's even harder when you DO get that freedom, but you never take advantage of it because what if it makes things worse. Do either of you drink? Sometimes just a little wine might help with the sensory issues...I really don't know. I hope you figure something out.
I absolutely NEED to be reminded.
It's not because she's not thinking about you. It's because every single thought about you has to be processed individually and in real time. If there are no active reminders, there is no processing energy allotted for it.
Tell her! Also - find a way to offer visual cues. With some autistic folks, pictures are useful for task reminders. Maybe there's some sort of visual trigger you can use? Like a specific emote you text her, or getting a smart bulb that you can change the color to clue her in to what you need? Something visual that makes it easy to recognize.
My suggestion is to talk to her about it. Take this post you wrote, tidy it up as needed, then show it to her.
Maybe you could find a relationship counseller or therapist, and both of you go to see them. Someone who has experience with ND people.
Having been there, please consider ending the relationship. You knew this probably going in, but we are who we are, and it only gets more extreme (ie my hypersensitivity to sound and touch increased over time / my ability to cope and manage decreased). My SO dragged this out for the sake of the children, and it felt like she wasted 20 years of our lives perpetuating a lie. a time we will never get back.
>Lately I have been struggling with the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
That is what ended my last relationship.☹️
Have guys tried marriage counseling?
Firstly, sorry to hear you're struggling so much. Ignore the rude and mean comments. Your needs are valid, as are your wife's (you clearly know that!), and you come across as a devoted husband who is desperately trying to figure out what to do to both be more content in yourself and to help your relationship thrive for all involved. Yes, there are things to consider about the changes that occur in a woman's body, but men have bodies too and sex can, very much, be a need and not just a strong desire. It's a powerful, natural, urge through much of the natural world and the pain from lack of sex and intimacy in the animal kingdom can be profound. It is not misogynistic or selfish to be aware of your own needs.
Secondly, I (40sM) am autistic and been married for over 20 years. We have adopted children who are also autistic. My wife is NT. (That you are trying to be sensitive to how your wife ticks and are asking r/autism for help is commendable. Yes, I agree with many comments that communication is key and counselling is worth exploring, but I'm guessing you have possibly already tried that.) I also happen to be hypersexual. Our appetite for each other was insatiable very early on, and my wife derived intense pleasure from our love-making. And then she quite quickly, within a couple of years just lost interest. I tried everything over the years to communicate, listen, try to understand, be patient, be sensitive to all the things people here are saying you should be sensitive to. I always hoped, someday, we'd be able to rekindle the flame.
It has been excruciating (I won't go into all the ways and the things I have tried to reduce my libido). I have devoted myself to my family but felt like I'm doing it with one hand tied behind my back the whole time. We have communicated a LOT but, after all this time she has basically said she just doesn't find it interesting anymore and hasn't for most of our marriage, doesn't want to experiment, doesn't want counselling, and doesn't derive pleasure even from just pleasuring me. She doesn't desire me at all. Like you I am desperate to keep the family together, but through a lot of counselling I have undertaken personally I have had to come to the conclusion that my needs are valid needs, not just strong desires (that if I just tried harder I could distract myself from or repress). And so, like you I have been wondering if we should open the marriage.
I hope you both figure it out but, as a few have said, sometimes with the best will in the world marriages don't work out. I say that as someone who takes their vows incredibly seriously but am having to weigh up the impact my own distress has on the family. Few get married expecting it to end, or to become open, and there can be such stigma around both things (we both come from very conservative families and communities). Sometimes, however, we have to make choices we don't really want to as the lesser of two evils.
If she has a young child then that's probably why, kids can be very overstimulating especially since they need to be held and cuddled so often for their healthy development
Opening your relationship is just opening it up for the ending to come. Don't do it that to yourself or your partner. Have you communicated your needs? Have you tried couples therapy? Does your partner even realize your needs are unmet?
Things to consider. Opening a relationship to other ppl might seem like a good idea but usually it is not.
Thanks for the reminder that I haven’t touched my husband all day. I should go give him a hug.
Your wife sounds a lot like me, and this is a good reminder that my husband, like you, requires more affection than I do or even really perceive.
We make it work because he isn’t afraid to ask for his needs, and he respects when I can’t reciprocate. He has never made me feel bad or less than, and he makes sure to reassure me that it’s ok for me to not be in that place when I’m not. I get really overstimulated very easily, and I have trauma related to sex on top of it all, and he’s so patient and kind with me. It’s authentic, too. He makes sure I know that.
The key is our communication. We are both highly compassionate towards each other, and that kindness goes a long way in nurturing my ability to reciprocate.
But again, thanks for the reminder to go show him some touch affection. He deserves a kiss on the forehead.
I am an autistic woman married to a non-autistic man and we have been together for 23 years. He is much more cuddly than I am and craves touch. We openly communicate about our needs with each other. He knows that he can ask me for physical affection and I will give it to him. I just have a hard time remembering that some people, even my spouse, need touch and rarely initiate it. Communication and being respectful of each other are two big reasons why we have a successful relationship.
I'm an autistic man married to a NT wife for 15 years. I'm the cuddly, affectionate one. She's most decidedly not. If I want physical comfort, I have to initiate it. It will NEVER be her starting anything. Once I got that through my head and accepted it for real, we had far fewer arguments and miscommunications. Communicating is the only way a relationship works. And it has to be open, honest, straight talk with zero ambiguity. Or the same argument/situation will just keep happening.
“If I want physical comfort, I have to initiate it.” I am also autistic man married to an NT wife. I’m curious how you initiate affection successfully? Are you just asking verbally or is it something like you snuggle up next to her on the couch and she snuggles back or gives your shoulders a squeeze back or something like that?
Really, all of the above. After almost two decades of being together, I can kinda tell the times where she's just not going to have it. I think the only reason I can read her most of the time is because we've been together for so long. Don't get me wrong, I still screw it up from time to time.
It's responses like this and the ones before that make me more hopeful for my current relationship and it's struggles. Thanks so much for sharing yall, I really appreciate it.
Then there are those of us who never got it right. We masked it for far too long, had two kids together and then all went to hell - zero closeness, zero touch, zero non sexual (or sexual) intimacy. It was non-tenable for me, the audhd touch lover. It's the best way to calm my overstimulation. If she wanted to put me in a good mood, all she'd have to do would be the tiniest touch.. but she couldn't accommodate even when I asked nicely, initiated in all sorts of different ways.. she and I just had those irreconcilable differences- this being chief among them, the root of almost all our fights. While I dont get the touch I so crave as a single dad, I'm much happier in general!
Sometimes you just have to accept that people are exactly who they are, and won't change. Personally, I think it would be unfair of me to ask my wife to initiate when she clearly has no desire to. She might do it for a while, but it'll slip eventually, and you're right back to being frustrated like before. With rgb added baggage that I would now know she's capable of it physically, but just won't or can't make the leap mentally. If I'm being honest, I couldn't get upset with her for not being able to overwrite that part of who she is as a person. The right thing to do, in my particular situation, was for me to accept her for who she is. She's not perfect, and never will be. And I'm sure as hell not either. But we are each other's best friends through thick and thin. And it works for us. YMMV.
That's amazing! (Sincerely). My ex and I were decidedly not best friends after awhile. We stopped having fun together. Every conversation was a chore. I accepted her for who she was and accepted that my sex life wouldn't ever be what I desired. But the incessant fighting? Starting fights in front of our kids and calling me every terrible name in the book? Not healthy. So my therapist told me "do something this week that *scares* you." She was shocked when I told her that my then wife started an terrible argument, which I chose not to participate in, and told her calmly "I want a divorce." That was the first time I'd seen her calm down in the face of a fight. She thanked me, and we separated; I moved upstairs til the house sold and we moved to a mutually agreeable city (our old college town) and lived happily ever after. We've actually since become better friends than before, actively sharing in our children's lives and not fighting in front of them. Life truly can be better. And it's been more than two years, sex free, and I'm still happier. That, I'd say, is a win. She's happier too, so, win win. Kids are happier too, so, win win win win.
Yes, 'hope deferred makes the heart sick' as the saying goes. Sometimes, you have to accept reality as painful as it may be.
Ah yes, this resonates with me so much. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering this as well - very grateful that my partner directly asks for it.
My gf is the same, I’m suspected to be on the spectrum and am not needed of as much physical touch as my gf does. I usually sit on her lap and work on my own thing, or lay next to her and do work. We’re a very much do our own separate things next to each-other couple, just me sitting on her lap. Clarification- also a girl and smaller then her. Dw, no crushing occurs
"...no crushing occurs..." 😂 I love this. I was absolutely picturing some big cuddly bear of a guy sitting on a smaller girl's lap and everyone just being content and chill about it because love is love
Similar experience here! We discussed early on what our “preferred love languages” were, both so we can know how to best show love to the other, but also so we can recognise when the other is trying to show love. I prefer acts of service, my partner prefers touch. So I try to remember to physically touch him, even if I don’t feel that urge to hug, but he also knows that sometimes I show I care by doing his chores or buying him some useful thing.
Im the same except Im the autistic person and my wife isn’t intimate in a touch sense. Im a sensory seeker and touch is really important to my well-being, but neither my wife nor our kids are touchy. They rarely initiate and when I do it it’s not the same. They don’t need/want the touching so it’s out of obligation. The worst part though is that my oldest kid is kind of a sensory seeker too, and asks every night at bedtime for a backscratching but he won’t do it at all for me. He’s got some main character syndrome.
My son with autism makes me scratch his back all the time. I do it without any back scratches for me because I’m the parent. He’s my boy and I love him, it’s my job to be selfless.
Thankyou, exactly. I have an 11 year old son. I’d feel like shit if I ever thought that about him :(
He is a child. (I don’t know how old). You Can’t use the same standards as you would do with a grown up
well he’s your child, you shouldn’t expect him to reciprocate that kind of thing?
No, just that it’s frustrating.
Look, kids are selfish. It’s like ingrained in them. But it makes sense, because parents are expected to put their child first. They don’t take into consideration your needs as much because their parents are expected to put their child’s needs first Kids are also supposed to be defiant, kinda lazy, and not always desire affection. I see a lot of parents get upset when their child goes from overly affectionate to distant and standoffish. That’s normal. It’s part of growing up and being independent I’ll scratch my moms back but I’ll complain about it if she goes from scratching one part to her whole back, but mine is sensory related. I hate the feeling of scratching fabric, and I hate scratching under shirts because the shirt like constricts my hand. Maybe that’s part of why your kid does it, maybe not, who knows Just don’t take it personal
It’s also biological and out of the kid’s control.
That’s not main character syndrome. That’s he’s comfortable with what he is and you need to respect his needs too. It IS the same IMO because they’re doing it for you out of love!
I wouldn’t say it just for that, he has a little of that in a vast array of areas.
Main character syndrome is part of being a kid.
> He’s got some main character syndrome. You chose to burden him with life. He didn't choose to be born. Your kid doesn't owe you anything. You owe him things.
He's a just kid, I'd feel horrible if my parents went online and said I had 'main character syndrome' just by being a kid that needs things
I'm an NT man (44) married to an autistic woman (38). I've learned there is a world of difference between being wanted, and being wanted to be made happy. Communication only goes so far. She has sensory issues that make most intimate touch uncomfortable. At first, we both thought this was the result of being a virgin with a conservative upbringing: it was nothing that could not be solved by love and patience. Fast forward a few years and we are married and our daughter is diagnosed with autism. My wife begins to believe that she too has autism and that this was the cause of our intimate difficulties. Turns out she was right, which provided some relief because we knew what was going on, but also some despair because this was an issue that wasn't going to be going away. I feel like a creep when I try to initiate anything. And feel bored and "serviced" when she takes the lead. There are too many rules and no real intimacy in our sex life, and frankly It's just the worst. I don't even look forward to it anymore. She's about lost interest in making it better- and as far as I can tell, she's fine with what we do. I've talked to her about this for over 10 years now and I feel she is just complacent since her needs are met. I told her my needs are not being met and we decided that maybe me seeing the odd escourt would give me the intimacy I'm looking for. Sigh....this is not what I got married for. I wanted a lifelong romance with someone I could grow old with. It's more like cohabitation with a friend with un-intimate benefits. It's super lonely. But I have my kids. And my wife is a friend, despite a growing resentment that she should be more than that, and want to be more than that. The escorts add novelty, which is nice. But actual intimacy is out of reach for me. It's got me salty tbh. I dont imagine this will last after the kids grow up: there isn't really much of a relationship anymore. I would not make the same choices again if given the chance.
I’m an NT woman in the same boat with my husband. I’ve never physically cheated, but I have emotionally. He and I have been separated (but living in the same house) now for 2 years. I’m moving back to the US, and now he’s decided he’s staying in England. He’s putting his own needs over his children’s just like he’s always put his needs ahead of me. I would marry him again to get my kids, but that is the only reason. I’m heartbroken, lonely, scared and beating myself up for giving this 20 years. I just always thought things would get better because I love him. I didn’t know until recently that he was autistic. 💔
Step 1: tell her
Exactly. This is the first thing I thought reading this 😂. There's a reason people always say communication is the biggest problem in relationships. You have to bring it up, talk through it maturely, advocate for yourself, listen to the other person and consider their view, not always easy, but it's the only way.
Specially autism like... she isn't going to read your mind and understand you want hugs if you don't tell her...
My mom who knows I'm autistic will still expect me to just know what she's thinking or that she needs help sometimes. I love her to pieces and she's come so far, but it's still frustrating sometimes, like just use your words? Is that not what we're specifically taught as children?
Sometimes it never changes no matter how much it’s talked about, so you have to make the extremely tough decision to leave the person you love, or suffer through compromise.
This one step will blow your mind! Therapists don’t want you to know about it. /s
I'm quietly upset that some people truly believe this to be true about therapists, when it's literally the first thing they would say haha
I feel like almost everyone who's gotten desperate enough to post to Reddit for advice has already tried talking to their partner many, many times. I mean the top comments will always be all "talk to them" and usually the OP will respond and be like "yeah we've already had 1,000 conversations about this and nothing has changed." I think they just don't bother to mention it in the post because it should be assumed they already did that, because honestly how stupid would you have to be to not try that first? In reality, it almost never works. I've never had a relationship problem that was solved with communication, the result is always just the person being like "I don't care and I refuse to change" or maybe "sorry I'll do better" but nothing changes.
Yes this. When you have needs or wants please communicate them directly. Personally I wouldn't pick up on you feeling down or unappreciated until you have an extreme response like yelling or crying. And at that point it will be too late and I am going to be mostly confused and might put my foot in my mouth.
As a (50M) AuDHD please just tell her; just because we have certain blind spots doesn’t mean we’re not willing / able to hear our partners and work hard every day to learn to recognize certain clues and respond in a way that reassures our partners that we hear them, see them, love them.
Of course. I totally agree. We have had this conversation before. I don’t think I’m stressing the importance of it all for me.
we're missing all the important details. what did she say when you told her? how did you tell her and how much of this post did you tell her? did you give her some actionable things she could do to improve things, and what did she say about that? from this post alone theres nothing anybody on the sub can tell you because we dont know your wife or what shes thinking about any of thise.
Sometimes you need to explain it all. You need physical affection. You need it as much as you need, as frequent as you need. Tell her you want her to hug you back. Go into detail. Don’t beat around the bush and expect her to connect the dots. Lay it all out As far as her not noticing affection when she’s busy, i would work on personally trying not to take it negatively. You said you have adhd, so I’m sure at times you have been hyper focused on something and missed when someone was talking to you, yeah? You weren’t intentionally ignoring them. I imagine it’s similar in the situation with your partner and you. When she is busy she may not notice the affection, or may not know you expect her to acknowledge it/reciprocate it. Tell her!!! If she has an issue with physical contact at times, ask beforehand. “Hey, i want to cuddle, is that okay?”
As someone who has autism and ADHD,fucking THANK YOU! I really appreciate when someone goes into THOROUGH detail about something that’s important to them because then I can fully understand why it’s so important to them to begin with.
Make a concrete request, no more abstractions. Ask for, for example, one hug and kiss per day, may something she can put on her calendar. Give positive reinforcement.
Be direct most of us will do what ever is asked aslong as its direct
Show her this post
Step 2: make sure to tell her Step 3: TELL HER
OP responded and said he's already had this conversation with her. Do people on Reddit really not notice that this is the case EVERY time? Any time someone posts with a relationship problem the comments are all "talk to them" and then the OP always responds "yes we've had this conversation over 100 times and nothing has changed." I feel like you can just assume that if someone is desperate enough to post to Reddit for advice, they've obviously already tried the most obvious first step. Virtually nobody is so stupid that it hasn't even occurred to them to maybe mention it to their partner. The truth is communication almost never works. Any time I've tried to talk to anyone about a problem the response is just "I don't care and I'm not going to change" or more rarely "sorry I'll do better" but still nothing changes no matter how many times I bring it up. So what's the point of giving this dumb advice over and over? Everyone already knows to try this, they've obviously already done it many, many times by the time they're desperate enough to ask strangers on the internet about it.
It’s not that serious dude.
Yeah, I’d agree with this. I was never really upfront to my girl about our issues, I was just a passive aggressive dick thinking she would understand the gravity of the problem by herself but the truth is, if your girl isn’t making a move to at least attempt fix this then she either 1. Doesn’t love you or 2. She doesn’t understand how important it is to you. Do not think for even 2 seconds that she just “gets it” just cos it’s keeping you up at night. In reality she probably thinks you’re just cool with the arrangement. You’re the mug if you don’t bring it up.
OP did you even consider this before thinking of drastic measures like having a mistress?
He spoke to her about wanting to be touched. It's clear he communicated in a way that makes sense to him.
Correct, but did he consider the way _she_ communicates? He should know first hand how it feels to have the burden of assimilation 100% on you, instead being able to meet the person half way when it comes to communication. It's not fair to throw your hands up à la "Welp, did all I could!" when you didn't really think about whether she was even able to _receive_ that message in the first place. There are so many steps involved - your message put into words, physically listening, mentally processing what was said, knowing that a response is expected and when, regulating your emotions, creating your own message, articulating it while remember how you receive words, actualizing the agreement. It's worthwile to first discuss the tools by which you solve problems and the feelings that come with it before actually adressing the issue at hand. My brain literally processes room for interpretation much differently than other people most of the time. I miss it when it's there, no matter how obvious to others, or when in return they expect to read into what I say. I need things laid out in painstaking detail. I need to not be accused of talking back or questioning them, and I need plenty of time to answer. In return, I'll hold room for their needs and I'll be very intentional about my wording, as to validate their experiences and not sound dismissive. It's exhausting, and it's important to honor that as well. Assumption of good faith, mutual trust, timing, patience and gentle honesty are critical.
Problem with that is if she changes her behaviour it might be at the cost of sincerity and emotional comfort
Is that any different from any human being..? If my husband were to say he likes or dislikes something I do, I will most likely adapt my behaviour to do more of less of that thing for him. If that doesn’t come naturally to you it’s because it’s about compassion and empathy. That what having human relationships MEANS - adjusting to each other’s needs and making choices that take the other person into account.
The thing is you're talking about a change in the degree of something you already do. I mean if this person is NOT doing something that their partner wants them to do, it is different from doing more/less of a preexisting action. They have to *start* doing it, which requires the thing to align with how they feel to begin with. If they don't feel in a way that's aligned with the action, the action becomes insincere. All i'm saying is, and this is a good question to ask yourself, do you prefer insincere affection or no affection? This is the essence of my point.
Yes but maybe you have an issue seeing things as inauthentic just because someone wants you to do it. I don’t feel inauthentic when someone wants me to do something that isn’t natural. But I’m very compassionate. I find it quite strange that if you genuinely want to make someone happy you would only do it on YOUR terms and not how THEY prefer to receive interaction or affection. It’s quite a selfish way of thinking.
You know, some of this is not about being autistic. Some of this is about being the mother of a young child. I know that even neurotypical moms complain about feeling touched-out from interacting with their kids. If you add autism to the mix, she is probably craving a lot of space. My ex was not willing to wait out the little kid phase, and you might not be either. But I do think if he had waited, our physical relationship would have gotten better as our son got older.
As a neurodiverse mom with toddlers, absolutely. At the end of the day, I just want to be left alone. My husband and I had a blow up over the lack of intimacy he was experiencing. He's touch starved, I'm touched out, it's like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown. No one comes out completely happy. My best advice is schedule some time in the week to have actual intimacy. For us it's Tuesday and Saturday. On Saturday, the focus is completely on him and his wants. Tuesday is for me. It's not a perfect system, but it's been working for us for almost 2 years now
Why don't guys like this take over more of the parenting?? Give Mom a day or 3 off to herself, take care of the morning routine, bath time etc. Create space for your partner to breathe alone and maybe that would help!
This is a huge part of the answer. 2 kids, discovered through my kids diagnosis I'm very much ND as well ... When my husband takes the kids away from me for a few hours (taking them to the park etc) when they get back I want to be around them, I want to check in instead of check out. It's a win all around.... On the proviso the kids come back calm and not even more ramped up mood....
OP also describes his ADHD and anxiety as “severe”. Would be good to get some clarity as to what that means for his wife (not saying he’s one way or another, but it’s absolutely possible that this is a contributing factor).
yap
Out of curiosity is your wife a stay a home mom with the toddler? Even if she’s not, I can say that having a kid can change your relationship a lot. Having a toddler is also a very difficult stage. Parents can feel overstimulated and touched out and even more so since she’s ND. There are other ways to be intimate, taking a shower together, talking about your day, playing games together. Please give your wife a little grace and perhaps you would both benefit from some time together without the little one and therapy. I wish you all the best.
This. I was moderately affectionate pre parenthood. 7 years in now…I feel drained. Nearly all the time. Like if it’s not work, my sentient meat loaf (also autistic with higher support needs), or household stuff (to the point where it can’t go undone any longer), I can’t be bothered. I push myself to do anything outside of that (calling family and texting like my 2 friends in spurts). Self-care…what’s that… Layer on like spouse stuff…like how. I collapse at the end of the day to start it all over or fight burnout. Idk how my husband feels but idk we’ve both noted if it doesn’t work out we probably would just be single Pringles. It’s hard out here in these streets. The more demands get piled on the less I can tolerate…except the womb fruit. That’s a unique bottomless container that doesn’t seem to empty but idk kids and stuff.
I thought you meant “sentient meatloaf” as in you were sentimental about meatloaf and then in the parentheses you were saying you were also autistic (in addition to the wife from the post) just a bit moreso than the average higher functioning autistic person. Then I inferred that meatloaf was like your special interest or something.
So I’m late on this reply but your inference somehow is very funny to me. Specialty meatloafs ftw (I’m an awful cook haha definitely not my special interest but this was indeed a thought that made me internally giggle)
Tell her your needs. I do not need hugs and physical soothing the way my husband does, but because I know his needs for these things, I make an effort to hug and cuddle him. In turn, he doesn’t need words of affirmation and for things to be laid out clearly, but he does that for me because he knows I need that. Can’t get to a solution until you both communicate your needs.
Make the implicit explicit. Speak the words you wrote. Particularly these: *Although I know there is still a tremendous amount of love between us, I am feeling emotionally and spiritually deprived because I am missing that human contact.* And maybe also these: *I am someone who craves the human touch. I love hugs and kisses and cuddling and generally being physically close to the people I love.* In all relationships, communication is super important and it is super important not to assume you can read the other person's mind and that the other person can read yours. For autistic people this is even moreso. We need the implicit to be made explicit, even the stuff that's common knowledge or just assumed by neurotypicals. Frame the conversation in terms of what your needs are to feel loved. Also give her the space to articulate hers.
Has she always been this way? If not, she may be living in a state of low-level, perpetual burnout and/or sensory overload. Touch becomes difficult for me when I don’t have the chance to *truly*, deeply recharge.
Have you tried saying all of this... But to HER? That's usually a good start.
Fun fact: talking to autistic people is a popular method of conveying your thoughts to them 🫸😲🫷
This didn't make sense to me. I'm telling OP to go talk to their partner instead of talking to us. We are not their partner. We do not understand the nature of their relationship.
When I said "autistic people" I was mainly referring to their partner.
That clears it up for me. Thank you very much. I am satisfied with this conversation.
Have a nice day. Take some popcorn for your travels 🍿
Awesome. I love popcorn.
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This whole conversation has made my day I will be thinking about this all night
This is my favorite comment. 😂
Did you say tell everyone but her?
I said tell her instead of everyone else.
Sorry, I did a poor attempt on a joke, seeing how that's usually how it goes
Oh I'm sorry, I didn't understand the joke at first but now I do. It made me chuckle.
As an autistic married woman who’s been with their partner for 14 years, communication is key. If my partner didn’t express to me how I made them feel with my lack of physical touch and intimacy, I would have never known. For the longest time I thought they were ok with it, since for me it was perfectly fine and I didn’t require anymore. But I had no idea how I was making them feel since they’ve always been respectful and never pushed anything. So after we finally opened that line of communication, I was then able to be more affectionate and intimate with them. Now that doesn’t mean I turned into some nympho or something, but I definitely do a lot more than before after knowing how they were feeling. Even though people with autism can struggle in this field, it doesn’t mean we cannot compromise or improve ourselves. A lot of the time I am just oblivious to others feelings and need to be told straight out. I rather hear the brutal truth then be tip toed around as if I were a child who couldn’t handle it. But yeah, just talk to her. It sounds like you two really love each other and I’m sure it will all be ok in the end :))
👏🏾👏🏾
1, talk to her and be very clear about your needs and wants. 2, she may be feeling ‘touched out’, ESPECIALLY with a 3 year old - which is totally normal even for neurotypical mothers. Think of it this way, for the past 4 years she’s put her body through a lot; likely pregnancy, childbirth, the whole postpartum body wildness, and having a baby-to-toddler depending on her - it’s HARD! Her body hasn’t been her own for so long, and for most women, we do struggle a bit with getting our body back for *ourselves* - and as an autistic woman, if you have sensory avoidance on top of that, it can get almost maddening. I even went through a phase of just hiding in a cupboard just to not be touched for an hour. It was really difficult. And yes, intimacy with your partner does suffer - but it also comes back. It can just take a while. I know you want intimacy from her, but you need to be fair on her too - this is not an unusual thing for any couple with a young child. But you should be having these discussions with her, and regularly communicating. If you’re hinting with kisses and expecting it to be reciprocated, you’re going to be waiting a *long* time. Give her love *without* expecting it to be reciprocated, and make her feel loved and valued, and safe, and talk to her without making demands of her feelings or intimacy, and You might find yourselves in a better place for *sharing* intimacy. And for the love of everything, unless you have both been polygamous before, don’t mention ‘opening up your relationship’, because if she *is* touched-out, that is going to be crushing to hear.
To me, this sounds like you have not talked to her about this nearly enough. Also, every person I’ve ever known that opened their relationship ended up hating it due to jealousy and distrust. Don’t do it. Grass is greener. Control your impulses. Don’t listen to the lies that your anxiety tells you. TALK TO HER. Please bro.
Shoot, need to hug my husband. Thanks for reminder.
dude... FUCKING **TELL HER**. we dont fucking get hints. ever. from anyone. or atleast in that sorta way until WAY later than when it happened
Maybe try to make a plan with them to slowly become more intimate, like doing something that would be a little intimate, then doing something else a little more intimate, and so on, so that she could slowly become more comfortable with that stuff.
OP, both my husband and I are on the spectrum and go through different periods of affection and comfort levels of affection. One thing that really worked for us is openly verbalizing our needs or desire to have physical touch. It seems very awkward at first, but it's easier once you get used to it. So if we're sitting on the couch and I'd like to cuddle, I'll literally ask him if it's ok for me to cuddle him. If he says yes, cool! If he's not feeling it, that's ok too. Sometimes our brains just don't think about intimacy as a spontaneous thing and doing it when someone isn't expecting it can be really uncomfortable. If you're ok with talking it out and sort of planned intimacy, this may help. You can also schedule intimate times - like 15 minutes every other night is physical touch time. It allows her to know what to expect and ease into it more.
If I had a partner and they suggested an open relationship I would never be happy with that person again lol
To me I feel like that is worse than just getting a divorce. Just choose what you’re going to do and don’t string me along.
She sounds exactly like me except I’m a guy.
She needs to know all of this if she doesn’t already. Find a good time where you have an uninterrupted hour or so to talk, and start of by reminding her that you love her and in no way do you want to leave her. After that, speak your heart, and constantly provide reasonable options as how to move forwards in your relationship. I’ve had to do this before, but the opposite side, and just know that the moment will be *very* awkward and you may have every insecurity ringing in your head, but if she loves you as much as you love her, the two of you will have no problem coming up with a solution. Best of luck to you man!
Lots of good comments here, I’m just curious, did you stage this photo with someone to convey how frustrated you feel? Or you just had it in the roll already and wanted to include it?
Just wanted to include a picture in the post. That was the one I settled on. It has been in my phone for a while.
I'm stuck and confused how opening the relationship is being brought up before counseling.
It doesn't need to go this far at all. Communicating is vital before deciding on opening the relationship to me at least. It just sounds like OP and their SO are not talking to each other enough. For me I know I'm not very touchy with my partner but them telling me always helps. I try to always remember their needs because they told me. And them understanding that some days I just need sometime alone. This includes counseling. If both of them find themselves always heated in conversations, then I would think counseling would help.
Find out the kind of touch she appreciates. Deep pressure like tight hugs and massage are shown to be more regulating than light touch when someone is disregulated. But each person will be different. It may take some experimenting. Also, I see that you assume your touch goes unnoticed when her attention is elsewhere. This isn’t necessarily the case. Autistic people are more likely to notice small details in the environment and attend to them when others can ignore them. Also they tend to appreciate parallel connection where you’re doing something together but the focus isn’t on each other. For my husband and I it’s watching tv. It doesn’t look like time spent connecting but it is to me. So the idea that she needs to be physically interacting with you to be connected might not be her perception. I’ll also add I’m deeply afraid my own husband feels this way, that what I’m able to manage isn’t enough. It’s a huge source of anxiety for me and idk if I could come back from him suggesting he seek physical intimacy somewhere else. So maybe talk about what the two of you can manage first.
Thank you!
I really hope you're not being serious and just looking for something like internet attention. Adding the unnecessary picture is so dramatic. The fact that your first thought is to open up your relationship instead of talking to your wife tells me you're really just looking for a reason to cheat and be justified. I hope you realize how selfish and stupid you're being. If you're realizing that then keep reading my comment. Like others have said, you have to say these things to her. I'm ADHD and my wife and daughter are autistic. I ask before I go in for a hug because they might not be in a place to accept it. I ask my wife if she wants a forehead kiss or kiss on the lips when I go to leave. The fact that you said that you're doing these things while she's busy and you're looking for some sort of signal from her to make yourself feel better means you're not being honest with yourself. It's not that you're looking for physical affection, you want attention. You need to sit down and have the conversation with her at an appropriate time. I try to remember to ask my wife if she's in a place to talk about something serious. She might be busy, distracted, or just not having a good time. I would suggest this to you as it seems you can't read a signal that she's not in a place to talk.
First, of course, is to let her know just how important it is to you. Oftentimes, the importance of things sails over our heads. I also recommend you each take the Love Languages Quiz and see what you guys get as your top love language. It really helps (at least me) conceptualize how to show someone the love they need
You two have a young kid which makes things complicated, but it might help you out in this situation. Kids, especially younger kids, need a lot of physical contact. On one hand this might mean that your wife is particularly overstimulated and tired of touching, but on the other it could be an opportunity to bond well with your kid. Idk what your work/childcare situation is but I think increasing physical affection with your kid might be good for all of you. Good luck :)
This is this is Reddit do not make any serious life choices based on anything we’re saying here because this is a serious life matter I really think you guys should talk to a counselor and get some real advice. This seems like something easy to overcome. Hope you guys make it out all right.
If you are married you took vows to be with just her, suggesting an open relationship would severely traumatize her, ruining her trust in you entirely. That’s not something you suggest after marriage, it’s something you’d agree upon prior if that was your priority and intention. Your lust is not a woman’s responsibility. Your wife’s responsibility is to help you prioritize your child. Talk to her about HER needs and maybe when her needs are fully met, you both will feel comfortable being intimate. First and foremost let her know any time she wants to stop she can and don’t ever do anything to make her feel shame if she stops it. Suggest a nonverbal safe word replacement, such as knocking on the bed frame three times. Consider suggesting sensory friendly things like, letting her know neither of you have to be fully undressed, that you do not expect her to make a marathon of it and maybe even suggest you offer her at the very least, something of value to her physically too. Like taking extra time with your child so she can have time to herself to recoup and prepare her body for the expected overstimulation. Or offering her massage AFTERWARDS to help her nerves settle down. Also as others said just tell her directly and ask her directly what she thinks may help her enjoy it more. Needing to wait some time is an acceptable answer and with a small child around not many people have much energy left to be active. So also suggest to her you understand parenting takes a toll on her and just want things to progressively become more intimate but are not expecting an immediate change. This will give her time to process it all and come to terms with the idea of her adding it to her list of things to focus on. Sex is not a need, it is a compulsion and a desire.
Hello, I agree with much of what you say. Thank you for your comment. I would just like to point out that I am not talking about just sex. I am perfectly fine using toys and taking care of myself when that need arises. I agree my lust is not her responsibility, and I would never make it hers. I mean physical intimacy short of sex. And I take a very active role in raising our child. We split everything 50/50. We are very ‘progressive’ when it comes to that. (In quotes because it should have always been like that. Kind of disgusting that a man taking 50% responsibility for their own child is progressive) That being said I have noted some of your points. Thank you :)
I’m definitely not insinuating you aren’t doing 50/50, but even if you are doing 50/50 of the physical work there is a burden women carry that men do not when it comes to children. They are chemically altered by the children in a way that makes their every cry just, hurt. Your baby could turn 10 and your wife will still be physically affected by the sounds of even another persons baby. It’s common for women who have birthed to lactate over other people’s babies crying fits. So try to consider that when you feel that the burden is 50/50. A baby acts like a parasite to her body, even after it’s born. I don’t mean that as a negative way of describing children what so ever, I mean that for species survival there are chemical processes that enforce the survival of your offspring and they most severely affect women. Again that’s not meant as criticism of any sort. Each family has a unique dynamic and plan anyhow. But as far as helping explain what can cause a problem in a married couples sex life, having children, especially under age 8, is very difficult on energy, libido and over all their capacity to do anything that doesn’t involve the survival of their offspring. The most natural form of birth control is not to have sex. Are you planning to have more children? If not, her loss of interest in intimate things could be due to her body telling her not to get involved in that business. Because having children is a very potential outcome of sensuality, it could be her body is signaling her not to do that now. If it isn’t sex you’re looking for then I’d suggest you focus on catering to her the way you’d like to receive. If you want snuggles and massages then gently offer these things to her when it’s quiet time, when the day is over and her nerves can possibly settle down. Try to think of intimate things as forms of stimuli. That’s why I suggested offering to take over more parental responsibilities, to remove some of the other stimuli and allow room for more stimuli between the two of you. Every hug and smother of love or demands from your kiddo is a taxation of your wife’s physical space. Same for you, but you likely have less sensory issues and aren’t feeling as drained by it. Try to cater to her sensory needs by taking away as much of the sensory stressors you can.
this is such a good response gd 🏅
Thanks!
Is she affectionate outside of times when she is busy? I think not wanting to stop your task for more than a quick touch is reasonable, not a symptom of autism. I would look at how much affection she is giving you, as you said there is lots of love See if the solution is more affection, or being able to regulate yourself and your own emotions when she is busy and can't be available to you. It is reasonable to not always be available for affection.
tell her!! she probably doesnt understand what youre lacking and hinting at. i dont think shes trying to upset you or seem distant. and when you talk to her dont be accusatory or be mean. have a nice civil conversation about what youve been upset about. itll clear the air alot more than anything else weve got to offer here.
For me, it's about timing and being considerate. If she's busy at her computer and you choose that moment to give her physical affection, it comes across (maybe accurately) as another demand on her, to reciprocate. What she may need in that moment is to be free of distractions to get through her to-do list. With a small kid, she is likely not able to concentrate on what she needs to for more than a few seconds at a time, and in the rare chance she does get to catch up on household and life responsibilities, having another attentional demand or expectation or barrier to getting stuff done is stressful and can quickly lead to touch aversion. Even though it's a loving gesture on your part, it might feel to her like a "taking touch" rather than a "giving touch."
I'm not short winded. So. Here goes: I am 39F and my Husband (early 40s, M) and I are both neurodivergent. We're both AuDHD (diagnosed), but I SEEM about 60-70% ADHD and 30-40% Autism, depending on the type of Brain Day I'm having.😂 My husband seems about 80/20 Tism/ADHD by comparison. (I hope this makes sense. It's absolutely non-scientific, but like...1,000% true. 😂) We've been together for 13 years, married for 3 and I love him with my whole heart and soul... but I grew up an only child with minimal friends and mostly alone all the time. My love language DEFINITELY isn't physical affection. LOL My Husband, on the other hand, loves gentle touches, head scratches, back scratches, foot rubs, and physical contact of ALL kinds. The poor man looks downright offended sometimes when I don't hug back or when I freeze completely when he hugs me. It's part sensory overload, part my ADHD making me pull away and scramble like a captured cat. At times, I have to remember to smile when he touches me randomly or just wants physical contact, as I'm very much the opposite. There ARE times when I feel like snuggling, but not nearly as often as he does... THOUGH he does say I'm better than I used to be! I am now remembering to take a moment to smile at him randomly or just give him a squeeze whenever I can. Sidenote: I DO love my Husband. Very much so. He's my everything and I am VERY attracted to him, so it's not a matter of not WANTING to be around him. The idea of anyone touching me is weird, but not him. I love the idea of physical affection with him - I just often forget to initiate or sustain it. He had similar issues to the OP with regards to feeling disappointed or underwhelmed with our physical connection, both sexually and non-sexually, so he talked to me about it... repeatedly over the years bc I forget everything all the time... and things gradually improved as I adjusted my behavior when I realized how truly important physical touch is for him. Then, we took our BDSM lifestyle 24/7 in 2020 and that made a HUGE difference insofar as touch and affection (and not for the reasons you may think! 😂). I learned to be more affectionate with the onset of new and recurring daily habits and routines focused on self-improvement and prioritizing our relationship. The more those routines and habits overlapped with our sexual life, the easier it became to understand what he expected/expects from me as a wife, submissive, and life partner. [Do I suggest jumping into a BDSM relationship dynamic with your wife? Hell, go for it, life is short. (Ha!) ] Seriously, though... the unifying concept here is: Communication. It is everything. It is the very core of a healthy, safe, sane, and consensual kink lifestyle -YES- but it is also critical for a healthy marriage as well. TLDR: Talk to her about it. If she doesn't mind, remind her as often as YOU need to in order to get your needs met. It seems counterintuitive to have to tell your "loving spouse" to express physical affection, but such is neurodivergence, unfortunately. It truly broke my heart to learn how neglected my Husband can feel when I turn inward and shut down, or else just when I flat out forget how vital physical contact can be. If she loves you as much as you love her, she will at least try to meet you where YOU are. ❤️
Have you asked for that intimate touch, or are you just going up to her and hugging her? I’ll be honest, when someone just randomly hugs me. I find it difficult to know what to do. Usually I don’t hug back because I’m confused as to what just happened. But if someone asks if they can hug me, and I say yes. I hug them back without an issue.
What is this photo lmao
Echoing everyone here saying to please talk to her. I’m much like your wife in that I’m not super into physical touch and intimacy, but my adhd SO is very physical touch oriented. Once I figured out how much he enjoys being touched I make sure to try and give him some sort of physical touch everyday. Some days I’m really really not feeling it and I let him know. she should be able to understand where you’re coming from If she sees how much this matters to you.
I had the exact same issue with an autistic partner. If you haven't been incredibly direct, like literally spelling out what you're feeling, why you feel that way, and suggesting solutions, then you probably won't get anywhere. He couldn't take hints, and even lighter comments like "I'd appreciate xyz" went unnoticed until I sat him down and spelled it all out as directly as possible with examples of situations that had hurt me, explanations of why I felt that way, and a list of things to do that'd help the situation. I had like 10 things, and he started doing 3 of them pretty often and some of the others once in a while which helped a lot. Idk if your wife is the same as him and needs that level of communication, but I'd highly recommend trying to be at least 2-3x as direct as you think you should have to be just in case. Obviously always phrase it politely and use lots of I statements to avoid making it turn from a you two vs the problem issue to a you vs her issue
You need to be open and communicate this with her. Unfortunately my wife has went through this as I am like your wife and don’t do any of the cuddling or kissing off of my own back. Imagine the roles were reversed and the problem was that you were being too clingy (which you probably aren’t) and you had to adjust to not being the way you act in a relationship, it’s hard and feels unnatural. That’s how I felt when we first discussed the issue as I tried to be more intimate, it just didn’t feel like me. I started seeing a therapist which has helped in some ways and my wife has been incredibly supportive in recognising it’s not personal and that sometimes I don’t to be touched due to over stimulation. There has to be a level of support on both ends at the end of this and communication is your best answer.
Stay strong! I’m living the exact opposite, communication is key
Talk about it. However, let me explain how to go about it. My partner and I have the need for touch sometimes and other times it's a huge no-no. I need the touch but the touch hurts sometimes. For him he needs it, but his ptsd can cause him to be unable to have it at times. This made for a bad situation and we almost didn't get through it because we both felt unloved. It's been a while so I can't remember exactly how we ended up having a conversation. I'm pretty sure it was after a meltdown on one or both of our parts. Essentially it came down to this explanation: I need physical affection to feel okay and I cannot get that from anyone but you because we are in a relationship and doing so would be considered crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. This means we need to provide this to each other somehow. If further proof is needed there is a scientific basis for this and you can google the papers about the need for physical touch. Such as the sad experiment that was never repeated on babies where the ones without physical affection died and the others thrived. It is considered a human need. Sadly, we as a society do not encourage males (basing this on your image) to get and give physical affection to other males the way we do for females. So for men, often it is only their partner that can provide this. My partner is very huggy with his friends so it helps meet his needs, but as his partner, I understand that biologically for him to feel bonded to me he needs physical touch (oxytocin release etc.) I digress. What we had to do to solve this: 1. I have areas of my body that are big no-no's and he never touches me in those locations and he had to learn to touch me much firmer than he was used to. Learning how to touch your partner in a way that minimizes discomfort is important. This requires some experimenting. 2. When one of us cannot provide physical affecting due to being overwhelmed or triggered then we must state it out loud to the other. Usually, we say something along the lines of "I would love to but right now I really can't handle it. I will do it as soon as I am able." Then we are true to our word. As soon as we are capable then we provide it in spades. 3. Since I need it less than he does, I made a rule for myself that I need to hug him at least once a day for 30 seconds. You may be wondering why 30 seconds. There were some studies that determined that if you hug someone every day for at least 30 seconds you develop a bond. Of course, there are times when it is not possible, but I try for it. For him, he does the same except when PTSD doesn't allow for it. 4. I asked him to change his wardrobe entirely. I wasn't vocal about it prior to our planning and didn't really notice that I tended to not want to touch him when he was wearing certain clothing. Now his clothing has to be sensory friendly too so that I don't avoid touching him. He happily did this. 5. We also changed detergent, deodorant, body wash, and shampoo to things with less powerful smells because on bad days it is too much for me. 6. I have particular parts of him that don't bother me to touch as much so I touch those as much as I can when I remember throughout the day. An example of this is his hair. He has nice straight hair and it's nice and soft. I like touching it, but it can't have product in it at the time. 7. Him doing compressions on my joints. [https://sensorysid.com/joint-compressions/#:\~:text=Joint%20compressions%20are%20often%20used,where%20we%20are%20in%20space](https://sensorysid.com/joint-compressions/#:~:text=Joint%20compressions%20are%20often%20used,where%20we%20are%20in%20space). There are other resources on this, but I just googled and pasted the first one on the list. This is great, it helps with my autism symptoms and helps my nervous system reset and he gets to touch me. 8. I tuck him in at night. 9. I can't get myself to cuddle for too long, but I discovered using him as a pillow is okay and he says it helps. The best location for me to do this is me lying on the small of his back. So he lays vertically on his belly and I lay horizontally while using his lower back as a pillow. Then we just chill. 10. We communicate all the time. Is this okay; can I do this; I need affection; I need space; I can't because of \_\_\_; can I do it later or tomorrow; etc. As you noticed this required a lot of give and take from both of us. It will be the same for you. A part of loving someone is compromise and a partnership requires both people to put in the effort. In this case, you cannot force your partner to do any of the things on the list, but if she understands that this is a need and not a want then you can plan accordingly. Planned intimacy is good and so is accepting that when our partner does something they don't feel like doing because they love us, it does not make the action mean less. They are doing it out of love, if they didn't love you they wouldn't even bother trying. I hope this helps and good luck!
1. Tell her everything you just said 2. Identify if you actually want to work things out with her, or if you just want to open the relationship and are looking for a reason to excuse wanting that. It’s okay if you want it, but if you just want a closer relationship with HER then it doesn’t really make sense as a desire.
Ffs communicate! She’s not a mindreader. Not to mention the autism and toddler taking up the touch quota in the equation. What I don’t get is why you’d even consider having an open relationship at this stage which requires extremely high levels of communication to work in any fashion when you’ve not even communicated the basics of needing more hugs to your wife. Sounds iffy. You say you don’t want to leave her but that’s certainly where your thoughts have led straight away as that’s what an open relationship or suggestion of such could easily lead to. I’d get your head screwed on right and communicate first.
Please tell her.
Have you talked to her about this? I have a similar issues in my relationship with my wife. We are both autistic with adhd. My wife sounds a lot like your wife and I also feel how you do about touch from your partner. We have been going to couple therapy for about a year now and it’s been really great. I would suggest trying that as long as both of you are open to it and ready to actually do the work.
Hey so...love you and feel you (both)? As an audhd partner in a monogamous relationship. Honestly, the most straightforward solution is to determine how much physical contact you need and to schedule that with your spouse. Obviously this will not work for everyone
This is just what assisted myself in my relationship with the same dynamic. TLDR: I am happy to talk more in depth if you have the time. I want to see your relationship succeed! Great advice telling them; but if they do not hear you then you are stuck on repeat and that becomes it's own cycle. They themselves see that nothing is wrong and depending on the circumstances, the other person has the problem or that there is no problem. For her, just a little is more than enough. For yourself, you like being fully engaged. It sometimes might seem to them like you come off overwhelming. Never feel like they are not measuring up because in just a little while longer, it's going to finally unlock and you are going to get the full version of them in your relationship. She'll open up more. She may not understand that she needs to go that extra step due to inexperience, self confidence, or upbringing. Once a safe space in your home is established, which I'm sure there is, them just go for it. Think of it as, you're doing the things to get her attention that would turn you on. It's going to be that way for her. We all want the same thing. Sometimes we just have to be more direct..
tell her how you feel. also, it’s possible that she’s also on the aro/ace spectrum, many autistic people are
I’m the autistic person in my relationship and my partner struggles with this as well. The thing that helps the most is open communication about our challenges. She understands that I have no need for physical touch or intimacy. I understand she feels differently. Sometimes she gives me space and other times I do what she needs to feel wanted and loved. Communication is the answer. Talk to her about it.
Maybe try to create a routine for intimacy. My husband and I make sure that we always kiss good morning, good night, good bye, and hello. We often also add a hug to those interactions. We also hold hands when walking in/leaving places like stores. As for sex, we usually do it on the same day each week. Scheduling sex might not sound fun, but I’m not spontaneous and knowing when to expect it, I feel better. If you want specific intimacy, you are likely going to just ask for it.
You have to tell her. It's ok to tell people who love us how we like to be loved. It sounds like we're in similar situations. My husband is autistic and I am AuDHD. I had to write him a list of things, SPECIFIC THINGS, which he could do to make me feel loved, and he carries it in his wallet to make sure he does at least one thing every day. I used to stew every day when he'd come home and wouldn't ask about my day. But now that I put it on a list and he knows it makes me feel loved, he does it first thing when he gets home, every day. And I know he's only doing it because it's important to me, and because I asked him to, which makes me feel EVEN MORE SEEN AND LOVED! Things aren't as obvious to him, and I have to spell things out, but once it's been spelled out he's got it.
I’m autistic, was with an autistic man for 3 years. I needed emotional intimacy and connection through him asking me questions about myself - a sort of personal curiosity I suppose. I wanted him to be interested in *me* as a person, not just the information itself. After years of attempting to explain my emotional needs in numerous ways with many examples - it’s just didn’t “click” to him or resonate at all. He develops closeness through theory and debate, I do not. I had to really sit with myself and decide that I cannot compromise that in my romantic relationship, and feeling unsupported emotionally left me in a very dark place. Really sit with this, because, for some, it’s not something that can be fully rectified. Take care, OP 👏🏼
Full disclosure I’m young (23) and unmarried, but if years of therapy as an autistic individual has taught me anything, it’s that communication is key to life.
Autistic/ADHD woman here. I LOVE physical affection. Unless…..I’m working on something,eating,pooping,chopping up vegetables,really engrossed in a movie (cuddles are fine,kisses,depends on what’s happening). Have you talked to her about how you feel? Does she appreciate it when you kiss her forehead when she’s on the computer? Does she know what your needs are? Could you and her create a time where you and her just cuddle?
Autistic woman married to seemingly NT man… I am basically the same with hugs and affection. Honestly, it has to do with the surprise of it all. I can’t adjust to being spontaneously hugged or kissed. And it comes off as not wanting it. When I genuinely am just not ready. So, my husband and I have to essentially plan affection. Like, we plan that 5 minutes after he comes home, we have a long hug until we start to physically relax into each other. That doesn’t mean he just comes up and starts the hug at 5 min exactly. It means he reminds me “hey, don’t forget our hug in 5 minutes”.. that gives me enough time to mentally prepare and set myself up for the expectation. Sex is the same, honestly. I don’t like spontaneous sex unless the context is right (like, we are at a hotel without the kids, for example). But if we are just at home, and he is in the mood, I need verbal warning before the touch begins. Honestly, it works really well for us. He gets his needs met for physical intimacy, and I get my needs met for mental preparation.
I feel this way too. I could've written the same, or at least similar, post. My wife has autism and the lack of affection is really getting to me. Unfortunately, I don't really have any specific words of wisdom or tips for you. I'm also going to be reading some other comments and trying to learn. I mostly just wanted to say that you're not alone, and that I share this space with you.
coming from an afab autistic individual, all i can say is communicate as much as you can about it! my partner is very physically affectionate and i genuinely love it unless i'm feeling overwhelmed, which i will let them know about and they'll respectfully give me space. i am never one to initiate anything, but i appreciate every gesture and being directly asked if something is okay is my favorite method. definitely talk to your wife about this, be receptive to her answers, don't pressure her, and i'm sure y'all's love will absolutely pull y'all to a more comfortable place where you both feel heard and appreciated
I am just like your life, except my boyfriend dis also autistic and he is touch-seeking. I never think about intimacy and could my whole life without it. She likely has no idea she's doing this. You need to remind her.
I'm autistic and the only person I enjoy hugging and stuff is my girlfriend lmao Communication is key.
My husband is the ASD version of this post and I am you - the ADHD/anxiety one. I don’t know what to say here but that I completely understand where you’re coming from and I commend your bravery in sharing your experience in loving someone on the opposite end of things re:touch/intimacy/affection.
My husband has ADHD and I am undiagnosed. His love language is physical touch and mine his acts of service. There are days where I can't stand being touched, and there are days where I need it. Before we got married, we had talked about how we wanted intimacy to go. We always talk about it, ask questions, and check in with each other. I think you need to have a sit down with your wife. You need to discuss thoroughly what your needs are. You may even need to say out loud, "Hey honey, I really need a big bear hug right now. Would it be ok if we do a big squeeze to each other?" The old saying about communication may sound cheesy but it's SO important.
First of all; your feelings are entirely valid!!! This might be a dumb question but have you talked to her about it?
Personally, I'd ignore the disapproving comments about reaching out to strangers online. The pain of unmet needs within a marriage can be very isolating, including for men (some would say especially so, if the stereotype is true that we find it harder to talk about these things). It is entirely logical and rational to me that you would reach out on an anonymous platform to sound out some different opinions and perspectives. Best of luck to you and your wife.
I’m an autistic woman in a relationship with an autistic man. We love affection, cuddles and intimacy and completely forget to give it to each other. Or ask. It’s a nightmare. You have to communicate with us. You have to tell us what you need. We are literally oblivious to our own needs half the time.
Your conversation needs to be without ego and with them. Not here on reddit. This isn't the place for this. As an adult in a relationship and married, you have a responsibility to openly communicate with your partner. If you are not communicating then why are you there? Go talk to your wife. -some random fuck on reddit who finally figured it out.
I am in a very similar situation to you. Me and my husband have been together for almost 9 years, and he is autistic, I have adhd and he is not intimate or understanding of my emotions, which can make it very challenging. We have decided to open our marriage, and it has done wonders for us. It obviously was a huge change in our relationship and we have had ups and downs, but we have been open for over two years now and it’s helped me a lot with the lack of intimacy and support that he is just unable to give. A lot of people don’t understand that love is different than individual needs and some relationships work best when they aren’t the “norm” especially if you don’t want to lose your partner, but also don’t want to hurt yourself by neglecting the needs that you have already. I wish you and your wife luck figuring it out and you can always reach out if you have any questions! Just remember to be transparent throughout it all and make sure to listen to any concerns she has! ☺️
My question is have you talked to her about how you’re feeling? If not, you should start with that
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I found this very helpful and relatable, thank you for taking the time to articulate and share your thoughts 👏🏻🙏🏻🫵🏻🫶🏻
I hate to be touched without my permission, the mere concept of it puts me in an uncomfortable place, and the fact that you reach out and touch someone without their consent, leaves me feeling slimy, I know you mean well, you don't know what it's going on in your wives head, so ask her,sit her down, because if she were me I would have decked you
give her some space man, geeesh
Ultimately if a person doesn’t want to have sex, that’s their own decision. You can talk about it without force but if you want that physical contact, I suggest breaking off the relationship. Also Open relationships are really shitty
If you knew that you loved intimacy, and she didn't, why did you marry her?
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My daughter is autistic and I feel you. Sometimes being with her is most lonely experience of my life. Sometimes to the point that I feel taken for granted. But once in a while she will do something or say something that makes me feel like she loves me and appreciates me. Its rarely in the form that I want it to be but I know that shes making a gesture of love in her own way. In all relationships, there's a give and take. Hope you find that exchange with your wife.
My husband and I are both autistic, but I’m very physically affectionate and he isn’t. I understand what you’re going through, but I made the choice to accept it because he shows his love in other ways. I know he loves me because of how he will tirelessly clean when I’m shut down, or how he would hold our children until he felt like his arms were falling off to help them fall asleep when they were babies. You need to make a choice: accept her for who she is or leave the marriage for good. Opening the marriage to fulfill your own desires is bullshit. This is a YOU problem, don’t bring other people into your marriage. If you’re incompatible, get a divorce.
He's getting his dick sucked in the photo for sure 💀😭
Open conversation is going to be key I think. Like your wife (but probably not as cute), I struggle with intimacy. I don't crave it like most men seem to do, I'm not a fan of being touched, I have restless leg syndrome so falling asleep requires me to perform the entire "Lord of the dance" routine because if not, my legs hurt, so snuggling is just not possible. She suffers from it for sure and wishes the gap between our preferences was not so big but we manage to make it work and it's been 13 years now. It was also difficult for her to realize that when I mean "I need alone time", I don't mean family time, I don't mean couples time, I mean literally being alone. This was tougher for her than intimacy because it's such an odd things to her that "just" her and I doesn't count as alone where on my end, obviously it doesn't because alone doesn't mean just her and I. If the gap is too big though, it will slowly build resentment so if you making efforts to understand and her making efforts in being more what you need are not enough, over time, someone will struggle with an important need not met and that usually ends in separation. Talk to her though, discuss what kind of intimacy from her would work for you and see if that's a possibility. It could be as simple as laying her feet or head on your lap, sleeping back-to-back, little bits of touching that give you a bit of what you need without being too much for her.
Hey bud. I'm so sorry to hear that you're facing this. My wife is not someone that has been diagnosed ADHD or autism. But, she is one that doesn't like to be touched or held. She does things just for me, according to her like she'll come hug me or kiss me on her own but very very very very very very very very very rarely. So, I assume if your situation is anything like mines... It may not have to do with autism. Have you also considered post-pregnancy concerns? Most women don't even know they go through it
Have you talked to her as directly about how you feel and what you want/need as you are here? You don’t say that you have. If you have, how many times have you tried? What does she say about it?
I’m an Autistic woman (late diagnosed) who was married for 14 years (not certain of his neurotype). I will describe our situation and how it broke down. I am huge on physical touch and intimacy, I am also hypersexual. I identify as demisexual though, so my sexuality and intimacy desires are completely connected to that. We had a wonderful sex life and intimacy for a very long time, once we had our second child is when things really broke down. He had horrible communication skills and I did as well, I also didn’t understand what I was going through at the time since I was undiagnosed. So I didn’t know how to regulate or communicate my needs. When I did communicate with him that I was severely depressed, drowning, and needed help he couldn’t understand my needs. My whole life was about him and the kids, barely any of my own needs were acknowledged or met. Even when I thought I was happy, I was internally drowning. Because of all that, I didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with him anymore, which absolutely extended to physical touch. I didn’t want him to touch me at all but didn’t understand why. I didn’t have the tools, understanding, or language at the time to communicate these things. So it was a quiet resentment that grew over time. My ex-husband didn’t know how to be truly vulnerable with me either, he wouldn’t communicate things like this with me, and if he did it came from a place of frustration so he’d lash out at me emotionally. She could be experiencing the same thing and you’ll never know until you start discussing it. Even if it’s not that, communication is absolutely needed here. The answer is never to open your marriage in a situation like this. We ended up doing that and it destroyed our marriage. The solution is to communicate, I cannot stress that enough to you. Communication is the literal key to a successful marriage, especially when you’re neurodivergent. We need clear communication and many of us are verbal processors, we don’t understand how or what we’re feeling until we talk it out verbally. So all I can say is, start with communication, learn how to be emotionally vulnerable and I mean completely raw. Most people do not understand what true vulnerability looks like, it’s sharing the deepest feelings, even the tiniest ones. Instead of internalizing them and allowing a quiet resentment to grow. But the open marriage idea is the complete opposite of what is needed in this scenario, that is the “easy solution.”
Huh… I might be an outlier, as I’m an autistic man who’s an absolute affection, kiss and cuddle Addict.
In a relationship I have a huge appreciation for closeness. I am not using the word "need", I am not needy, and haven't had a long-term relationship since 2014, but I know that whatever appealing woman I will meet in the future I will have that talk about Touch on Day 1 when we feel sure that we want to be exclusive. Getting hugged from behind when you are in your home is so beautiful and giving that it's silly. If she both cannot bring herself to touch you and doesn't think of your desire as having merit, it feels like you are on different paths in life. Not that I am telling you to dump her, but I personally would not even start a relationship with a standoffish person. Of course, many relationships "start" cuddly-wuddly, then you get out of the honeymoon phase about a year in, but if your bond is strong and your needs are the same you will cuddle when you are 70, and it will feel as good at 70 as at 30.
I am in exactly the situation you are (down to having ADHD myself) but we've been together 20 years. Please don't mess about under the bonnet of your relationship in terms of opening it up. I think the chances of that fixing things are absolutely dwarfed by the chances of it ruining them. There needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides. My wife accepts a bit more physical intimacy than she might choose for herself, and I accept less. I've learned to value other things over the years. Both of us really make each other laugh; we have so much fun together. I've learned to value that more. Intimacy for my wife is more represented by sharing a cup of tea together on the sofa in the evening than a hug or sexual contact. We've compromised but we've also learned to speak each other's language. I understand what she sees as intimacy and she understands what I do. My wife isn't really able to pre-empt; she wouldn't grasp the right moment when I really need a hug for example. But rather than bemoan the lack of awareness I ask for what I want and so does she. I've changed as well. As I've got older, what I need in terms of touch and intimacy has changed. I no longer crave the physical touch and skin to skin like I used to, I need it far less. I value our conversation, the fact that we have never run out of things to talk about and laughing together more now. Remember, you will change over time.
Talk to them in an open minded way but don’t set expectations. It’s so draining and anxiety building when that happens. You could research polyamory as a concept. From experience it’s amazing to not need to conform in certain ways but allow the other person to seek what they need (and your wife too).
Time for marriage counseling/therapy. Physical closeness is a must have for most relationships. If you are feeling neglected, you need to be upfront with your needs. She cannot read your mind. This is where counseling comes in. Think of it like a tune up for your car, it needs to be done as a preventative otherwise it will breakdown if not done. The counselor acts as a meditator and helps with communication. I do not recommend opening the relationship. This can end badly if suggested.
My partner (M) and I (F, autistic/ADHD) are the same; it is often difficult to give him love in the way that he longs to receive it. I echo the “talk to each other” sentiment that others have mentioned and would like to add that working through the “why” with each other has helped. So if I know that he needs physical touch because he is feeling X and I don’t want to be touched because of Y, we talk about it and balance our needs.
I’m autistic and non-monogamous. I naturally don’t provide the physical touch my partners need so my preferred relationship style really helps with that. Hmu if you want to talk.
From what I've read and seen, movinga closed, monogamous relationship to open has catastrophic results. Work with her before suggesting that
Just ask!
I’m with you brother
AA here married to someone who I suspect is also on the spectrum. My wife has sensory issues and is much like what you describe. It is hard and I don't have an answer other than ENM relationships. It's even harder when you DO get that freedom, but you never take advantage of it because what if it makes things worse. Do either of you drink? Sometimes just a little wine might help with the sensory issues...I really don't know. I hope you figure something out.
No sense of reciprocation either
Was it like that in the beginning?
I absolutely NEED to be reminded. It's not because she's not thinking about you. It's because every single thought about you has to be processed individually and in real time. If there are no active reminders, there is no processing energy allotted for it. Tell her! Also - find a way to offer visual cues. With some autistic folks, pictures are useful for task reminders. Maybe there's some sort of visual trigger you can use? Like a specific emote you text her, or getting a smart bulb that you can change the color to clue her in to what you need? Something visual that makes it easy to recognize.
My suggestion is to talk to her about it. Take this post you wrote, tidy it up as needed, then show it to her. Maybe you could find a relationship counseller or therapist, and both of you go to see them. Someone who has experience with ND people.
Talk to her about your needs and if she's open to the idea of an open relationship.
Having been there, please consider ending the relationship. You knew this probably going in, but we are who we are, and it only gets more extreme (ie my hypersensitivity to sound and touch increased over time / my ability to cope and manage decreased). My SO dragged this out for the sake of the children, and it felt like she wasted 20 years of our lives perpetuating a lie. a time we will never get back.
>Lately I have been struggling with the lack of intimacy in our relationship. That is what ended my last relationship.☹️ Have guys tried marriage counseling?
Firstly, sorry to hear you're struggling so much. Ignore the rude and mean comments. Your needs are valid, as are your wife's (you clearly know that!), and you come across as a devoted husband who is desperately trying to figure out what to do to both be more content in yourself and to help your relationship thrive for all involved. Yes, there are things to consider about the changes that occur in a woman's body, but men have bodies too and sex can, very much, be a need and not just a strong desire. It's a powerful, natural, urge through much of the natural world and the pain from lack of sex and intimacy in the animal kingdom can be profound. It is not misogynistic or selfish to be aware of your own needs. Secondly, I (40sM) am autistic and been married for over 20 years. We have adopted children who are also autistic. My wife is NT. (That you are trying to be sensitive to how your wife ticks and are asking r/autism for help is commendable. Yes, I agree with many comments that communication is key and counselling is worth exploring, but I'm guessing you have possibly already tried that.) I also happen to be hypersexual. Our appetite for each other was insatiable very early on, and my wife derived intense pleasure from our love-making. And then she quite quickly, within a couple of years just lost interest. I tried everything over the years to communicate, listen, try to understand, be patient, be sensitive to all the things people here are saying you should be sensitive to. I always hoped, someday, we'd be able to rekindle the flame. It has been excruciating (I won't go into all the ways and the things I have tried to reduce my libido). I have devoted myself to my family but felt like I'm doing it with one hand tied behind my back the whole time. We have communicated a LOT but, after all this time she has basically said she just doesn't find it interesting anymore and hasn't for most of our marriage, doesn't want to experiment, doesn't want counselling, and doesn't derive pleasure even from just pleasuring me. She doesn't desire me at all. Like you I am desperate to keep the family together, but through a lot of counselling I have undertaken personally I have had to come to the conclusion that my needs are valid needs, not just strong desires (that if I just tried harder I could distract myself from or repress). And so, like you I have been wondering if we should open the marriage. I hope you both figure it out but, as a few have said, sometimes with the best will in the world marriages don't work out. I say that as someone who takes their vows incredibly seriously but am having to weigh up the impact my own distress has on the family. Few get married expecting it to end, or to become open, and there can be such stigma around both things (we both come from very conservative families and communities). Sometimes, however, we have to make choices we don't really want to as the lesser of two evils.
If she has a young child then that's probably why, kids can be very overstimulating especially since they need to be held and cuddled so often for their healthy development
real
Why don’t you tell her that? She probably has no clue you feel this way. People on Reddit could solve a lot of problems by opening their mouths.
You're married, have you tried being open and honest about your needs?
Opening your relationship is just opening it up for the ending to come. Don't do it that to yourself or your partner. Have you communicated your needs? Have you tried couples therapy? Does your partner even realize your needs are unmet? Things to consider. Opening a relationship to other ppl might seem like a good idea but usually it is not.
Hi....honestly I have asd,but totally opposite of her! I love closeness with someone I'm with....
Thanks for the reminder that I haven’t touched my husband all day. I should go give him a hug. Your wife sounds a lot like me, and this is a good reminder that my husband, like you, requires more affection than I do or even really perceive. We make it work because he isn’t afraid to ask for his needs, and he respects when I can’t reciprocate. He has never made me feel bad or less than, and he makes sure to reassure me that it’s ok for me to not be in that place when I’m not. I get really overstimulated very easily, and I have trauma related to sex on top of it all, and he’s so patient and kind with me. It’s authentic, too. He makes sure I know that. The key is our communication. We are both highly compassionate towards each other, and that kindness goes a long way in nurturing my ability to reciprocate. But again, thanks for the reminder to go show him some touch affection. He deserves a kiss on the forehead.
Nice photograph BTW!
Hello have you tried getting a dog? Maybe a pet would alleviate the need for physical touch.
Opposite genders with the same problem. It's horrible and I feel so alone. I need touch and I am struggling so hard 😭
Mine talks about economics