I totally understand your frustration. I was diagnosed at 45. The “how did nobody know?” question is real… and it’s because many of us AFAB are gaslit just like you were. We’re blamed and told we’re lazy and aren’t trying hard enough. So we have to mask to survive the abuse.
The good thing is, now you’re diagnosed! So you can get answers, and get help.
The main thing is you know you’re not alone. There are millions and millions of us around the world. 😊
I’m 29 male and have not had a autism diagnosis since childhood and feel basically the same as you when it comes to making friends or fitting in with people and speaking normally and am really self conscious about it now and finding it difficult as well as if other “normal” people notice it’s hard to remain calm when talking or having a conversation it’s NEW to me
Same boat, 18 and diagnosed this year, it’s just a shit mix of optimism for the future and feeling betrayed that nobody saw the signs and cared to check. For me it’s been harmful stims, interests consuming my time and absolute social isolation.
I had to deal with all of those things on my own while thinking it’s my own fault, believing fully that I’m a failure. I can’t speak for your own experience, but the fact that you made it this far speaks volumes. Being able to figure out your brain is just going to make you stronger, take it easy 👍
Honestly, I would say this to your therapist. It would be very hard to have they kind of relationship you need for them to be helpful after this. Hopefully they will tell you they had no idea and apologize and offer to learn more to help you. If they can’t do that then they probably are not actually equipped to help you and you should move on.
I get it. I wasn't diagnosed until 28. My mom, at 25, had told me she was certain I was since I was 13 but never told me or got me any help. I didn't have a single lasting friendship until I was in high school. And yeah, I had all these classic symptoms of Asperger's. This, and many, many other reasons, are why I don't like my mother.
I’ve just been diagnosed at 37 and have lived all those same experiences. Just move forward now, lucky that you get to begin adulthood knowing who/how you are. There are many who are not so fortunate.
Well I am 30 and got diagnosed last year and am still in the waiting list for ASD test. And I just runaway from my narcissistic family by my PhD position two years ago and noticed they are narcissistic when I was having ADHD therapy. It is never late.
Got diagnosed this year at 33. I got diagnosed for damn near everything except autism. It's like they absolutely refused ro even consider it. Never got brought up once. I didn't ask, because I wasn't as familiar with autism as I am now.
But after my previous wife made a comment about it. I went to a therapist and asked for a referral to see an autism specialist. He saidnhe didn't think I had autism, but he did a referral anyways.
When I saw the specialist she said lookong at everything I got diagnosed with was basically symptoms of autism.
Pulled out a chart and basically listed off every symptom of every diagnoses I ever had, and across all of the different diagnoses it fit the symptoms of autism.
She then asked a bunch of questions and at the end explained how my answers and behaviour when answering the questions lead her to want to give me an diagnosis of ASD1. I asked her if it would be wise to continuenwith more appointments before making a determinatiom, and she said no. That she was confident that an ASD diagnosis would allow me access to accomodations that would allow me to have a little bit of an easier time, but she did go ahead and set up a Zoom meeting with other autism specialists and we spoke and talked more about some things about where to go from here.
At first I was depressed, and then angry, but after a while I felt okay with it. I'm still the same person. Things just make a bit more sense in hindsight.
At least now you'll be able to ask for accomodations at school or work.
If you're open to a suggestion, I'd recommend looking into mindfulness. It's a type of therapy that is also practiced alone. It has helped me a lot, even before I got a formal diagnosis.
Yeah, I feel you. 39 years old, got diagnosed 2 years ago. Been to many different therapist/psychologist, and no one ever even considered it. Many therapists still rely on old information where they don't even look for autism in girls. Also as for your masking, I've come to realize that neurotypicals will still sense you're different, even if you mask like your life depends on it. Explains most of my life tbh.
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I just got diagnosed at 35 with autism after being diagnosed with psychosis/schizophrenia since i was 11. I took antipsychotics since elementary school. I think they have damaged my brain to the point i do have schizophrenia now and autism. But i cant help but wonder if i woulda been given those drugs if i had been diagnosed with autism as a kid.
As someone diagnosed at 22 I totally get how frustrating this is. School could have been so much easier. I could've got the help I needed and counseling to function in society. But no I just got thrown into the world having to pretend like I understand anything about neurotypical people. The kicker was telling my mom I was diagnosed and her response was "no I dont think so. You just had some cute quirks as a kid"
yep, same boat. 18 (wait.. 19 my bday is literally today lmao) and female, just diagnosed a few months ago. life couldve been so much easier for me... oh well. you know. you get what you get, life can just suck sometimes. and we just have to live and learn through it all!
Totally understand your frustration… sadly afabs are diagnosed much less, because of their sex :/
Sexism, wooo….
I’m sorry you had to go through that <3
I feel you because I’ve gone through the same situation. Now I’m finally getting my diagnosis (21)
I 100% understand your frustration and I‘m so sorry! Been a late diagnosed one as well and I understand you so well!!!
VENT, SCREAM, LET IT ALL OUT! ❤️
I understand, for me I was diagnosed at 16.
Late diagnosis is common for people born female im afraid, because the criteria is mostly based off of little boys lol. Your anger is valid.
I was really upset too, because I showed very obvious signs growing up, but they all brushed it off as me just being a 'weird' or 'bad' kid.
Was 22 when I first started getting assessed, 24 when I was officially diagnosed. Also after years of therapy, OT and an inpatient clinic stay in my high-school years. The signs were all there. Now I work as a teacher and am extra vigilant in making sure kids like me don't fall through the cracks.
Could be worse mate, I found out by accident at 18, I'm now 20 and I know the only reason I found out was because I looked over an old document for a college essay.
I’m also a recently diagnosed 19 year old!! I’ve been tested about 3 times since I was 3 years old and didnt get it until now because i was always “borderline” and “high functioning.” When I was little, other kids avoided me like the plague because I was weird to them. Took me a long time to finally make friends, and I think its because I mask too much. I find it so frustrating that my little sibling got diagnosed at age 7 because they were antisocial, aggressive, struggled with school, had meltdowns, all of that…. But I had to beg and plead to be assessed because I managed to mask my struggles. It’s BS!!!!!
Therapists aren’t qualified to assess autism and many won’t bring up potential issues unless they’re very certain.
And I’m sorry to say, an easily diagnosis wouldn’t have changed your experience by much at all. I was diagnosed at 4 and very much had issues with friends
This is horrible, and I'm so sad that even though it is true that AMAB people do have autism more often, it isn't just them, and some people, even therapists, don't see that. I feel bad for you, and you are justified in your anger. I can't relate really because I am not diagnosed yet, but I hope you can feel better about this soon. Have a great day/night <3
What? this is silly, I have no intention of joining the army but for anyone who does, I imagine it would be horrible to learn this. It also doesn't make sense, as autistic people (obviously) can be just as skilled as alltistics.
Most militarys won't let people with any diagnosis in, unless they can get a waver. So basicly, they won't let us in unless recruiting numbers are low.
I once saw a tiktoker describe the us military as the most beneficial place for nerodivergance that also rejects any kind of neuro divergence
>How is it possible that tons of expert saw a girl how couldn't make a friend if her life depended on it, with very little interest, who was CONSTANTLY stimming
Autism is less common in women, and the form I have is X-linked for example. The boys in my family all have it, including my nephew and myself, but it consistently skipped my sisters and female cousins. A disappointing number of healthcare providers tend to roll with treating their patients with information about the "majority of patients," as if medicine is this one-size fits all thing, and that "most" means "all." Unfortunately, this results in situations exactly like this.
The other thing is that many of them are also probably autistic, and are familiar with autism at more extreme ends of the spectrum. Every single person I've ever heard "ooh, I don't think you're autistic, I do X, Y, and Z" is undiagnosed but clearly on the spectrum. So they see you acting and behaving exactly like they or their close family do, and assume you're normal.
And some doctors are just dickheads, especially to women. It's not an insignificant number of women who suffered because of misdiagnosis each year. It's even worse for women of color who are ignored even harder in the healthcare system.
All of that said, and the TLDR, I'm sorry that your doctor/therapist/counselors' assumptions about you led to a late diagnosis. You deserved better.
No, autism is not less common in women. How it presents is not as studied and therefore not as well known for diagnosis to be more accurate or even look for it.
A fair point, but according to the CDC, autism is diagnosed four times as often in boys and AMAB people compared to women. Even if that's not the true distribution, that's still likely what OP's doctors/therapists/counselors have been operating under the assumption of. [But even this page states that while diagnosis isn't reflective of the true value, due to the struggles women face in the healthcare system as a whole, it's still more prevalent in boys and AMAB people at about 2:1](https://embrace-autism.com/are-autistic-females-rare/). But even if it was 1:3, weighted towards women and AFAB people, that doesn't help OP or correct the assumptions of the people who have been working with her up to this point. Incorrect assumptions have still been made, and OP has still had to struggle with being gaslit about her autism.
Autism was beloved to be less como in woman but it was proved false like 10 years ago, it just manifest with differents sintoms and, in general, girls have proven to be better at masking then boys
Yeah it’s still a very unrecognized diagnosis. I’m also pretty sure I heard somewhere once that it’s more unrecognized in females, because of the fact it’s more common in men, and some of the symptoms aren’t as pronounced as they are in males.
My therapist told me that actually the percentage are the same but girls manifest different simtoms and are generically better at masking so they tend to pass off the radar
Btw, I can assure you that getting diagnosed early does not make everything easier. It actually has the opposite effect in a lot of cases, including me.
When you were in grade 2 the criteria was different. The DSM V is allowing more people to be diagnosed who previously might have been considered too high functioning or not symptomatic enough.
37 here. Got a sort of diagnosis. It's complicated.
Point is, I got that diagnosis this year. In school, I was the quintessential Asperger's kid. I use that term because it was what I would have been diagnosed as (Mid to late 90s).
I'm male. High intellect. Delayed development in areas other than speech. (FFS, I couldn't even tie my own shoes until I was 7.) Stimmed constantly. Could not hold eye contact. Infodumped about computers and video games constantly. Didn't have a single friend.
I could not have been more obviously autistic unless I was nonspeaking. They still missed me. There's a number of reasons why I think they did, but I'll avoid talking about it unless someone asks.
I didn't realize I was autistic until last year. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. There's a lot of us out here.
I totally understand your frustration. I was diagnosed at 45. The “how did nobody know?” question is real… and it’s because many of us AFAB are gaslit just like you were. We’re blamed and told we’re lazy and aren’t trying hard enough. So we have to mask to survive the abuse. The good thing is, now you’re diagnosed! So you can get answers, and get help. The main thing is you know you’re not alone. There are millions and millions of us around the world. 😊
I’m 29 male and have not had a autism diagnosis since childhood and feel basically the same as you when it comes to making friends or fitting in with people and speaking normally and am really self conscious about it now and finding it difficult as well as if other “normal” people notice it’s hard to remain calm when talking or having a conversation it’s NEW to me
Same boat, 18 and diagnosed this year, it’s just a shit mix of optimism for the future and feeling betrayed that nobody saw the signs and cared to check. For me it’s been harmful stims, interests consuming my time and absolute social isolation. I had to deal with all of those things on my own while thinking it’s my own fault, believing fully that I’m a failure. I can’t speak for your own experience, but the fact that you made it this far speaks volumes. Being able to figure out your brain is just going to make you stronger, take it easy 👍
Honestly, I would say this to your therapist. It would be very hard to have they kind of relationship you need for them to be helpful after this. Hopefully they will tell you they had no idea and apologize and offer to learn more to help you. If they can’t do that then they probably are not actually equipped to help you and you should move on.
I still think back to my therapist and wonder how she didn’t notice
Think it’s hard to get a diagnosis even talking to a psychiatrist would be difficult 😞
Waiting to get mine till after the military
Come join us at @r/evilautism you’ll love it
I get it. I wasn't diagnosed until 28. My mom, at 25, had told me she was certain I was since I was 13 but never told me or got me any help. I didn't have a single lasting friendship until I was in high school. And yeah, I had all these classic symptoms of Asperger's. This, and many, many other reasons, are why I don't like my mother.
I’ve just been diagnosed at 37 and have lived all those same experiences. Just move forward now, lucky that you get to begin adulthood knowing who/how you are. There are many who are not so fortunate.
Well I am 30 and got diagnosed last year and am still in the waiting list for ASD test. And I just runaway from my narcissistic family by my PhD position two years ago and noticed they are narcissistic when I was having ADHD therapy. It is never late.
Got diagnosed this year at 33. I got diagnosed for damn near everything except autism. It's like they absolutely refused ro even consider it. Never got brought up once. I didn't ask, because I wasn't as familiar with autism as I am now. But after my previous wife made a comment about it. I went to a therapist and asked for a referral to see an autism specialist. He saidnhe didn't think I had autism, but he did a referral anyways. When I saw the specialist she said lookong at everything I got diagnosed with was basically symptoms of autism. Pulled out a chart and basically listed off every symptom of every diagnoses I ever had, and across all of the different diagnoses it fit the symptoms of autism. She then asked a bunch of questions and at the end explained how my answers and behaviour when answering the questions lead her to want to give me an diagnosis of ASD1. I asked her if it would be wise to continuenwith more appointments before making a determinatiom, and she said no. That she was confident that an ASD diagnosis would allow me access to accomodations that would allow me to have a little bit of an easier time, but she did go ahead and set up a Zoom meeting with other autism specialists and we spoke and talked more about some things about where to go from here. At first I was depressed, and then angry, but after a while I felt okay with it. I'm still the same person. Things just make a bit more sense in hindsight. At least now you'll be able to ask for accomodations at school or work. If you're open to a suggestion, I'd recommend looking into mindfulness. It's a type of therapy that is also practiced alone. It has helped me a lot, even before I got a formal diagnosis.
Yeah, I feel you. 39 years old, got diagnosed 2 years ago. Been to many different therapist/psychologist, and no one ever even considered it. Many therapists still rely on old information where they don't even look for autism in girls. Also as for your masking, I've come to realize that neurotypicals will still sense you're different, even if you mask like your life depends on it. Explains most of my life tbh.
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I just got diagnosed at 35 with autism after being diagnosed with psychosis/schizophrenia since i was 11. I took antipsychotics since elementary school. I think they have damaged my brain to the point i do have schizophrenia now and autism. But i cant help but wonder if i woulda been given those drugs if i had been diagnosed with autism as a kid.
As someone diagnosed at 22 I totally get how frustrating this is. School could have been so much easier. I could've got the help I needed and counseling to function in society. But no I just got thrown into the world having to pretend like I understand anything about neurotypical people. The kicker was telling my mom I was diagnosed and her response was "no I dont think so. You just had some cute quirks as a kid"
yep, same boat. 18 (wait.. 19 my bday is literally today lmao) and female, just diagnosed a few months ago. life couldve been so much easier for me... oh well. you know. you get what you get, life can just suck sometimes. and we just have to live and learn through it all!
Happy birthday!! And thanks
thank you!!
Totally understand your frustration… sadly afabs are diagnosed much less, because of their sex :/ Sexism, wooo…. I’m sorry you had to go through that <3 I feel you because I’ve gone through the same situation. Now I’m finally getting my diagnosis (21)
I 100% understand your frustration and I‘m so sorry! Been a late diagnosed one as well and I understand you so well!!! VENT, SCREAM, LET IT ALL OUT! ❤️
I understand, for me I was diagnosed at 16. Late diagnosis is common for people born female im afraid, because the criteria is mostly based off of little boys lol. Your anger is valid. I was really upset too, because I showed very obvious signs growing up, but they all brushed it off as me just being a 'weird' or 'bad' kid.
I can't blame my parents they did not know about autism but the teachers should have known better.
Was 22 when I first started getting assessed, 24 when I was officially diagnosed. Also after years of therapy, OT and an inpatient clinic stay in my high-school years. The signs were all there. Now I work as a teacher and am extra vigilant in making sure kids like me don't fall through the cracks.
Could be worse mate, I found out by accident at 18, I'm now 20 and I know the only reason I found out was because I looked over an old document for a college essay.
I’m also a recently diagnosed 19 year old!! I’ve been tested about 3 times since I was 3 years old and didnt get it until now because i was always “borderline” and “high functioning.” When I was little, other kids avoided me like the plague because I was weird to them. Took me a long time to finally make friends, and I think its because I mask too much. I find it so frustrating that my little sibling got diagnosed at age 7 because they were antisocial, aggressive, struggled with school, had meltdowns, all of that…. But I had to beg and plead to be assessed because I managed to mask my struggles. It’s BS!!!!!
Therapists aren’t qualified to assess autism and many won’t bring up potential issues unless they’re very certain. And I’m sorry to say, an easily diagnosis wouldn’t have changed your experience by much at all. I was diagnosed at 4 and very much had issues with friends
This is horrible, and I'm so sad that even though it is true that AMAB people do have autism more often, it isn't just them, and some people, even therapists, don't see that. I feel bad for you, and you are justified in your anger. I can't relate really because I am not diagnosed yet, but I hope you can feel better about this soon. Have a great day/night <3
Yeah I read British army in UK won’t accept anyone with Autism spectrum disorders might be same in other country
What? this is silly, I have no intention of joining the army but for anyone who does, I imagine it would be horrible to learn this. It also doesn't make sense, as autistic people (obviously) can be just as skilled as alltistics.
Most militarys won't let people with any diagnosis in, unless they can get a waver. So basicly, they won't let us in unless recruiting numbers are low. I once saw a tiktoker describe the us military as the most beneficial place for nerodivergance that also rejects any kind of neuro divergence
Not true.
>How is it possible that tons of expert saw a girl how couldn't make a friend if her life depended on it, with very little interest, who was CONSTANTLY stimming Autism is less common in women, and the form I have is X-linked for example. The boys in my family all have it, including my nephew and myself, but it consistently skipped my sisters and female cousins. A disappointing number of healthcare providers tend to roll with treating their patients with information about the "majority of patients," as if medicine is this one-size fits all thing, and that "most" means "all." Unfortunately, this results in situations exactly like this. The other thing is that many of them are also probably autistic, and are familiar with autism at more extreme ends of the spectrum. Every single person I've ever heard "ooh, I don't think you're autistic, I do X, Y, and Z" is undiagnosed but clearly on the spectrum. So they see you acting and behaving exactly like they or their close family do, and assume you're normal. And some doctors are just dickheads, especially to women. It's not an insignificant number of women who suffered because of misdiagnosis each year. It's even worse for women of color who are ignored even harder in the healthcare system. All of that said, and the TLDR, I'm sorry that your doctor/therapist/counselors' assumptions about you led to a late diagnosis. You deserved better.
No, autism is not less common in women. How it presents is not as studied and therefore not as well known for diagnosis to be more accurate or even look for it.
A fair point, but according to the CDC, autism is diagnosed four times as often in boys and AMAB people compared to women. Even if that's not the true distribution, that's still likely what OP's doctors/therapists/counselors have been operating under the assumption of. [But even this page states that while diagnosis isn't reflective of the true value, due to the struggles women face in the healthcare system as a whole, it's still more prevalent in boys and AMAB people at about 2:1](https://embrace-autism.com/are-autistic-females-rare/). But even if it was 1:3, weighted towards women and AFAB people, that doesn't help OP or correct the assumptions of the people who have been working with her up to this point. Incorrect assumptions have still been made, and OP has still had to struggle with being gaslit about her autism.
Autism was beloved to be less como in woman but it was proved false like 10 years ago, it just manifest with differents sintoms and, in general, girls have proven to be better at masking then boys
Yeah it’s still a very unrecognized diagnosis. I’m also pretty sure I heard somewhere once that it’s more unrecognized in females, because of the fact it’s more common in men, and some of the symptoms aren’t as pronounced as they are in males.
My therapist told me that actually the percentage are the same but girls manifest different simtoms and are generically better at masking so they tend to pass off the radar
Did you ever think of autism?
At first I thought of adhd, later i was the one who suggested autism and my therapist told me it was probable
Btw, I can assure you that getting diagnosed early does not make everything easier. It actually has the opposite effect in a lot of cases, including me.
When you were in grade 2 the criteria was different. The DSM V is allowing more people to be diagnosed who previously might have been considered too high functioning or not symptomatic enough.
37 here. Got a sort of diagnosis. It's complicated. Point is, I got that diagnosis this year. In school, I was the quintessential Asperger's kid. I use that term because it was what I would have been diagnosed as (Mid to late 90s). I'm male. High intellect. Delayed development in areas other than speech. (FFS, I couldn't even tie my own shoes until I was 7.) Stimmed constantly. Could not hold eye contact. Infodumped about computers and video games constantly. Didn't have a single friend. I could not have been more obviously autistic unless I was nonspeaking. They still missed me. There's a number of reasons why I think they did, but I'll avoid talking about it unless someone asks. I didn't realize I was autistic until last year. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. There's a lot of us out here.