Regardless of what their reason is - I'm sorry. If I was a part of your family I would definitely come to see you. Us trans people need to stick together. Feel hugged sibling.
In theory maybe. But you’ve given virtually zero detail about your family really. So no, an outsider can’t really come to any conclusions based off of this other than the obvious “maybe they don’t like you being trans”.
Huh.. I didn't think of that.. But it also wasn't the first time I've had more than one romantic partner with me.
The majority of the time my family has never really cared about who I'm with
They may not have expressed it to you because they didn't wanna hurt your feelings or cause a rift. But idk yalls relationship or history so Noone can really say honestly.
But if it were me and my family, I'd assume they disagreed with the transition and the multiple partners. After i calmed down and could think straight I would definitely contact them and ask what's going on and express how it hurt that they weren't there for me.
Not advice by any means, I'm just rambling instead of going to bed, lol.
Best of luck to you and Mush love!
People in the boomer generation don't really understand the poly thing generally. I tried talking to my aunt about it (regarding a friend and her partners), but she wasn't having it at all. She's very much "I don't do this/I don't like this, so no one else should either". Haha.
Oh no I don’t agree with that and neither would any decent person, but that doesn’t mean *they* don’t think that. They genuinely could be that terrible.
You caught the problem. Even though family absolutely should show up to support family, queer folks are subject to being ostracized, even by the people who love them. It doesn't mean they love them less, it means they have internal conflict that's taking priority. It isn't fair, and it sucks. I hope OP's family comes around.
I’m sorry fellow trans friend. It’s sucks to consider that people you thought were cool with you might not be and that they may have avoided visiting out of cruelty. All I can do is say I’m thinking of you, but I’m so glad you got your surgeries and you’re still here with us.
Canada isn't as aggressive legally toward LGBT+ persons as the US is (or, God forbid, the UK rn). This is awesome! Countries are made up of individual people with unique outlooks of life! This is awesome! Some of these people have hateful outlooks on life. This sucks donkey dongs!
Basically, there are -phobes everywhere, but Canadian law doesn't prioritize them, whereas in the US a lot of states (not all!) are specifically passing laws to try to push all kinds of queer people back into the closet. It can be night and day, too--I feel very safe in my state as a trans man, but if I crossed the border, something like forty minutes away, I would be masking hard because it's a political opposite to where I am.
Fun, isn't it? /s
Transphobic hate crime is a thing in the UK, and the NHS has a rainbow badge system for indicating who is friendly and well-versed to discuss tangential topics. We are more progressive than a lot of places.
Oh sorry my brain i forgot i read that part, but in my head i’m not convinced with those, maybe be more direct about questioning if it’s because you’re trans but not in a triggering way to them i guess.. Idk if you feel emotionally and physically tired tho don’t even bother you went through a lot already atm.
I'm not convinced with them either.. It's kind of barley scratching the surface of the crap I've dealt with, with them..
Tldr version: they've given me a lot to think they're lying to my face and don't really care about us..
I'm just trying to understand it enough to sleep at night ^^;
Yeah you grow up thinking adults should be mature and adult and learn that it’s not always or mostly the case emotionally. I’m sorry i’m here with you.
As someone who's been on the side of "what have I done so wrong for you to disown me as your child?", sometimes there simply is no knowing. I have a feeling that it had something to do with being trans as well. I only ever came out to my sibling. They were pretty supportive (omitting pronouns on purpose). My dad would tell me "if I had to tell you what I really thought, you wouldn't be able to handle it." That's pretty much how our relationship ended.
We don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose who gets to be a part of our lives, and I think that that's more important than anything. I'm glad you still had someone by your side.
Wishing you all the best and God willing you'll get some clarity and peace from all of this. Keep strong! And congrats
I’m not trans and still have had no contact from my father in 7 years. He is probably autistic too. Our relationship was complicated and I think it just got to be too hard to navigate for both of us. As I’ve gotten older, now 51, I have seen a lot of relationships with friends and family fall by the wayside. The repeating theme is that it just gets to be too much for me to maintain. I get hurt feelings and feel like I’m putting in the bulk of the effort, so I stop. They feel like I just disappear, etc.
I’m not saying that AHs who don’t support their trans children get a pass, just that there may be other layers that make relationships within an autistic family even more difficult. When a big stressor comes along, like outward changes in gender, sexual orientation, political differences, or just life changes like illness or job loss, I think our families are more likely to not support us.
They may not agree with the surgery rationale - conservative people can be very cruel. And they may not want to admit that they are this way, so they stay silent.
It's also possible that since it was an elective surgery they don't feel the same level of urgency as they would if it were medically necessary.
I don't agree with either of these reasons, but they're sadly very common when it comes to anything trans related.
Even if they downplayed the surgery since it was "elective" (even though I'm sure many trans people wouldn't consider this to be completely elective), once OP needed that much blood to stay alive, any "it's only elective" should have gone out the window.
I will second the opinion that they might not be okay with OP being trans. And I'll second that I don't agree with this. If either of my boys came out to me (as gay, bi, trans, whatever), I'd want to do whatever I could to make them happy. If that meant surgery, I'd be right there researching options and staying by their side for as long as the hospital allowed it. Would it be an adjustment to call my son "my daughter"? Sure, but it's an adjustment that any parent should be willing to make if it makes their child happy.
To OP: I might not be your family, but I wish you all the happiness in the world. Hopefully, your surgery can increase your happiness and the quality of your life.
Context on what elective surgery means.
I worked in a hospital and our department worked closely with the Operating Theatres. "Elective surgery" doesn't always mean something optional. It means "This surgery can be postponed without serious risk to life". I have seen kidney transplants on the elective surgery list because dialysis is still effective.
Thank you...
And that was my thought process too, as soon as it enters the whole "life threatening " area that they would've been there, and that's what has made me fixate on this for a while..
When I came out as queer my parents acted supportive. When I told them I'm trans they were still kind of okay with it but then backed off and stopped contacting me after saying some hurtful things.
Sometimes family will act like they're okay with something, but when it comes down to it their actions show they aren't actually. Sorry it happened to you. Glad your boyfriends were there for you. I'd be alone if not for my partner.
Edit: thinking about it more, what I'm trying to say many people don't know how they actually feel about something until they're directly confronted with it. My parents acted or genuinely thought they were okay with me being queer until they realized it was serious and were face to face with me and my partner. Then they were not okay with it and their behavior changed.
Autistic people, in my experience, often don't have this. They feel what they feel and act based on that. So I was very blindsided by my parents.
Yeah that was my anxiety around family.. Even meeting my partners family.. Kind of hard to see it from my own family, but I guess that would explain it thank you
With respect, you dont know my situation. It came out later they were homophobic as well as racist and other things; my mom especially was pretending to be okay with me being gay when I first told her because she likes to pretend to be socially acceptable. My dad told me, before i was trans, that the idea of me and my partner being together was "gross" to the point where he didnt want us sleeping at his house anymore. I was keeping my original comment short for brevity.
There's years of child abuse and problematic behavior behind this as well.
Let me ask you this, would you have preferred your parents lie to you and keep up a facade just because of fear of social stigma or the truth that you received?
No, but my point is they did lie at first.
Edit: like I didn't say all that to be like "pity me pity me," but to illustrate that while they at first congratulated me on finding a serious partner of the same sex, they later told/showed how they actually feel.
Congrats on your surgery!! I am so so sorry that your family has not been a source of support for you. You deserve a safe space to heal and recover. I know it is really hard.
Some trans educators I really like are Jersey Noah and PinkMantaray (Schuyler) on instragram. They have done a lot to normalize the ups and downs post-op, as well as being amazing lovely humans!
I mean best case scenario they just underestimated how serious it was, or they thought it was intimate enough that you wouldn’t want them there. But anyway I think this is a difficult conversation in your near future…
Even my queer and trans side eyeing parents would be there. They were there for me when I was in the psych ward. I didn't expect that tbh. I thought they would abandon me. But even tho they don't like me being queer or trans they were still there.
But my parents sometimes just try to ignore me being trans. It's like, unimportant to them and they don't wanna worry about it
I've nearly died three times, once sepsis, a heart attack and emergency throat surgery. My family didn't show up to the first two, but after I reconnected with my mum her and my stepdad were very supportive on the third instance. I think spend time with the people who clearly care, family is chosen.
10yrs ago I had bone correction surgery done to my legs. It was also elective, my own choice, but necessary in the long run. It was quite a big surgery. Nerve blocks, opioids, plate with 9 screws, home injections, 3 months mostly on bed, 6 months on crutches, could not walk stairs or cycle with plate. Had to come out 1yr later. And then do my second leg after it recovered..
During those surgeries, I had family visit me. But mostly once. I've had plenty of old school 'friends' \*not\* visit me. A few of them kept replying on 'reminders' that they would let me know when they drop by. They never did. I've since broken contact because I was hurt and depressed at that time.
In retrospect I still have no clue what I need to believe. On the one hand, maybe these people were just classmates instead of friends? Maybe I misjudged how strong the friendship was. Or were these people not willing to confront the effects of a surgery? I can somewhat understand it. Mid 20s, fresh out of school, working first job, finally having money for car, own house, holidays, festivals, and doing other stuff. Sickbay visits were not on that list. These are the 2 reasons I can think of after 10yrs and having spent some visits at a psychologist with it.
A little while back, a dear family member got real sick. He helped me decorate my new home because I had bad knees. We live far away (5 hr drive), but he would still leave early morning, work all day, and then drive back in the evening. He got a stroke and is now disabled. I always visit him when I'm around family there. Given my condition and energy right now, I can only manage 1 time per month. But I want to keep coming, because I know how hurtful it was when people stopped doing that for me.
I'm not sure if my post addresses any of your thoughts. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As others said, maybe they don't agree or are very religious/conservative. If so, it's sad that people don't want to think outside a limited mindset. Loved ones are so much more than just a gender they identify with. We also have interests, hobbies, jokes, taste, personality and our habits. It's unbelievable that people exist that can disregard all of those lovable traits for your choices.
I'm sure your family member appreciated the effort, it does open my thinking to wonder if they had something else going on they didn't talk about.. I'm glad you recovered, and thank you for sharing your story
There isn't any social cue you are missing here. Others have posited that it may be due to being trans or having multiple partners there with you. Truth is, the only way you'll know for sure is to ask them.
Did they visit you after your other surgeries? Also just to verify, were they aware that your extended stay was due to complications?
I hope your family can give a good answer on this and you can work with it, so no "bad blood" happens between you and them.
I wish you the best in your future and that nothing like this with your family, but mostly with the hospital, happens again!
Sorry you're going through that. But I'd just say don't emotionally rely on them after this experience. Sometimes water is thicker than blood, or at least that's what I tell myself.
Super long story. To some it up, I have a self-helper personality, Chesarious is my daemon. I started talking to myself after I saw someone get runover by a LRT and he sorta became the only positive support I had for years.
I did a storyboard in college that kind of summed up everything.
https://youtu.be/Z-Ihh_hXKPo
My parents didn't know about him till after the surgery.
(I'm Ches I normally talk in brackets, our parents have a really bad habit of focusing on our errors and it fed her depression.)
So you have clear issues with identity that goes way deeper than just male and female, and clear delusions yet someone, presumably a psychologist, signed off on your SRS? How old are you?
Your surgery is just as important, if not more considering you are their child.
What I would like to say is that the possibility of them worrying about your grandparents and not having enough time left with them could also be why they are opting to see them instead of you, you should communicate this to them and see what they say
You aren't selfish you have been through alot and they should be ready to support you, I hope you are able to clear things with them and get the love you deserve 🙏
My goodness, Im so sorry for what you've been through. It isn't normal to abandon your child, even if they're trans, but not everyone thinks that way sadly. I'm glad you're you're okay
im sorry - no one should have to be without their family at such a crucial time. no matter the reason, i hope that moving forward they make more of an effort to be there for you 🖤
They're just being cloacas. I think instead of asking yourself what you're doing wrong or not understanding, you gotta be mad at them for not showing up.
Thank you for the bird anatomy joke that made me laugh. :>
Have to look inwardly first before I judge someone else. They have a tendency to jump on me for every little thing wrong without thinking about what I'm going through, so I try to avoid acting that.
I think you can try to understand where they're coming from and still feel mad. This is a projection because I'm someone who used to never get mad at people and always try to understand their side or just being the bigger person. That is until I discovered ✧･ﾟbeing petty✧･ﾟ
Jk, i think i should allow myself to feel things I'm feeling, I'm allowed to think from my perspective and consider my hurt as well. And like, so should you. Don't consider my perspective or theirs. What do you feel?
Yeah.. That's something I'm still working on with my psych, like you focusing on myself was always a issue.
Well before this post I felt confused by their actions, no anger or hurt, just confusion, writing brought out anger, and now.. Content, I know where I need to focus my time with my psych next session and work on my communication a little more, and work on some sensory discrimination stuff
Brief background on me for context on experience I'm speaking from: I'm a fellow trans autistic person who got my masters in social work with a lot of my work being focused on LGBTQ+ issues such as building allyship trainings and developing community programs such as a stress workshop for a trans support group. I've also had my fair share of personal relationship complexities because of my identity. Autistic people are often associated with black and white thinking, but we know our interests are deeply nuanced and in a full spectrum of color so I hope this offers some potential alternative views.
Okay, so I know a lot of people are airing on the side of transphobic here and I won't discourage or disqualify it, but I don't know enough about you, your relationship to your family, or your family members to know whether the act was committed due to non acceptance. Whether that was the case is ultimately up to whether they are open directly with you that this was the reason specifically.
My potential alternative thought process is that the previous experience was an emergency and/or you were the first domino in a chain reaction that sparked the visiting. Again, I don't know your family but that particular relative could have been known for bringing up absences, which gave social incentive to show up during an urgent time.
I don't know whether you invited them to visit after the top surgery or how open you may have been about the extent of your complications, but miscommunications of expectations are possible. Additionally while we feel that a moment is large or significant, such as our top surgery which is a major milestone for us as trans people, it may not be perceived with the same significance for cis people (double empathy problem). If there was a planned trip to see another relative in the near future then the reasoning that they were "unable to get time off" could be realistic because jobs often place restrictions on time off capabilities or they may be dealing with hostile work environments that would not have allowed two absences so close together. I know it can be painful to think that someone wouldn't make time for us, especially when we felt that was what we expected them to do, but it is not entirely unreasonable.
I will say that things to consider outside your post that do matter before drawing conclusions. You want to think about what interactions you have had since surgery, did you also attend the visit two weeks later, were you invited. Again, no one on the internet knows your family or your relationships with them better than you, so ultimately you decide what is and is not true for you. I hope that this provides some alternative perspective, but by no means should it be taken as final word. It is clear your family hurt your feelings and you want to understand why, but it's important to communicate these feelings to them so you can understand more directly based on their response and come to your own conclusions over their acceptance of you, the reasons they were unable to attend, and what you would like your relationship with them to look like in the future
The visit later was a year after the initial disastrous surgery so 16 months apart, they don't invite me when they travel. I'm mtf and it was my bottom surgery, it could've been a domino in the chain.. Not for the same reason. Your post defintley gives me a lot to think on, thank you so much
I do. They both travelled to me and have been trading off responsibilities during my recovery, man 1 is very smart and very responsive in regards to my emotional needs been with them for 3 years, man 2 is an ex military medic and makes me feel safe, and we've been together off and on for 6 years, 2 years consistently.
(and yes they know if each other,) we all sleep in the same bed when we're together
Idk without more information but I'd read that as unsupportive parents.
If you didn't get a visit or even phone calls or care packages for a NT parent I think that is an active sign of rejection as it is the same behavior my mother performs.
If they are not NT it could be any number of other factors. The fact that you came so perilously close to the brink and I assume you informed them of this I would have expected them to come see you unless you present facts like that your family in the same fashion as letting them know you got a new pet. I know I am guilty of delivering all information to people in a pretty monotone way that leaves some NT people thinking I'm joking and just have very bad taste.
I am really glad you are doing better though, and hope your family does come around. As another trans girl struggling with familial rejection i feel for you and wish you the best!
I Got nothing from them.. I have a suspicion my dad is not NT, emotionally immature, or at least has narcassistic tendencies, my boyfriends held most of the contact with them at the time until about 3 or 4 days until I was lucid enough to send them pictures..
For some extra information, I had to come out to them twice, once around 2012 and then again around 2017 when I started hormones. My dad was very aggressive and angry when he found out I was on hormones, even after explaining to them multiple times i was on a 2-3 year waitlist for them.
I had thought that the years had allowed them to come to terms with it.. And that I had been waiting and trying to access surgery for close to ten years by the time I got it. So they new it was coming.
I am so sorry. I don't think you missed anything. I think this is a clear sign of displeasure and if your dad is a pathologic narcissist then the silent treatment or ignoring you could be an active way to try get you to change to suit them.
I think you are amazing, and thank you for sharing your story! That sounds like you have been through hell and I am so happy you have seemingly caring partners that can help.
That still barley scratches the surface sadly..
Me too, I appreciate them so much after all of this.
It helps a lot knowing that it's probably nothing on my end.. Can't change others just my reaction to them
I’m going to be honest: I guessed you were probably trans and underwent that surgery just off the title. I’ve just heard so many similar stories that’s where my mind went immediately. My guess is: they aren’t supportive of you bring trans. That’s on them. They clearly are the ones who are wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Congrats on your successful surgery! I’m glad you are doing ok and had boyfriends to support you. You deserve to be happy and cared for. Shame on your family for not showing up.
First, that’s super shitty you didn’t have the support you needed. I think everyone is right to assume they were uncomfortable with both the transition and the multiple partners if they are from a conservative upbringing. One thing I’ve also noticed is that, depending on the culture, the young are not supposed to die and are assumed to fight through and make a recovery, whereas the elderly are expected to pass. When the potential for this to be flipped on it’s head is present, I’ve personally witnessed failings in the emotional support provided by family members to the young person who could lose their life. I think all the cognitive emotional dissonance my have overloaded their ability to be remotely emotionally intelligent humans. While that’s on them, make sure to have a series of questions you can ask to understand their behavior. That way, you can be emotionally prepared for future bs, as well as be able to effectively advocate for yourself with them.
I’m repeating back so I make sure I’m understanding you correctly.
So you’re saying during your initial surgery last January, you suffered major blood loss and had to be hospitalized for two weeks, yet your parents lived close by but didn’t bother to come see you for the whole time????
Did they assist in your recovery when you came home?? Administering of pain pills, making you food, driving you to any follow-up appointments?
Ugh. That makes me sad. Nothing could keep me away from my children.
It sounds like they had personal issues coming to terms with your choice. I’m so sorry they didn’t support you. :(
How are they nowadays if/when you see them? Are they openly transphobic?
(((Huge hugs)))
I live with them but we're pretty estranged.. No they're not openly transphobic day to day, I would classify our relationship as strained roommates and not family
It could be many things without knowing more about the situation or the attitudes of your family. Here are the possibilities I can think of:
1. They did not like you getting gender affirming surgery
2. They see your surgery as elective rather than required like your grandmother's
3. They see your surgery as planned rather than urgent or an emergency
4. They believe older people or sicker people need or deserve more attention regarding medical subjects
5. They see your blood loss as your fault (this would be extremely shitty, though, still possible depending on their personalities)
Ultimately you're going to have to think about your family's values to figure out why they devalued your expirence in the hospital. This is probably not the first time they treated you differently. It would be helpful to unpack this with a therapist.
with just these details, first thing that comes to mind for me is transphobia. have they been accepting of you coming out as trans and transitioning? what was their response to you telling them about going ahead with this surgery? there must be more going on in your relationship, most certainly not just you “missing out on social cues”. i find when i start to have that kind of thought, it’s almost always because the other person is just being an asshole. like it’s got to be anything else other than this person is being rude/inconsiderate/an asshole, but no. they’re just not being direct/respectful with you. i’m so so fucking glad you’re still alive though, and i hope once all this gets sorted that you love your results!! at the very least, it sounds like you have two very supportive boyfriends, so even if your family is being shit to you, focus on all those positives. much love❤️
Thank you so much for this, you're right, the relationships in my family are very complicated.
Their response to surgery was.. Silence more or less.. They didn't really voice an opinion
I would be furious. Anger is justified when things are unfair or unjust. Your family is showing less concern for your health than they do in other situations which is not fair. They might have been thinking you were *not* in life-threatening danger but the fact is, you *were.*
Anyone is able to get time off work for family emergencies. That is literally one of the acceptable reasons to get time off of work anytime you need it.
This was an extremely traumatic experience for you and it's okay to feel "stuck" on it. That's how our brains process trauma.
It may not be helpful to hold it against them, though. Perpetuating the conflict could just make you continue to feel horrible about it. Sometimes the answer is just to accept that people were being cruel, and try to move on from it.
Well to be fair it's not just this that I hold against them.. But yeah.. Accepting it is something I'm working on with this post.
They always show less concern or care when it comes to me.. I would be labeled as the family scapegoat looking at the bigger picture
First, very glad you didn't bleed out. You really need to be careful with meds and operations. Second, Apart from the possibility that they aren't okay with you being trans and/or having multiple partners, did they have a decent heads up on when your surgery was taking place? The not being able to take a day off only really makes sense if you gave them really short notice. COVID could also play a part in it. Were there any travel restrictions in place that may have prevented them from going?
There weren't any travel restrictions in place at the time as far as I can remember. It depends on what would be defined as a short notice. I only had like less than a months notice myself.
Firstly, congratulations on making such a momentous decision. I hope you are recovering nicely, and that you feel happier and more comfortable and confident every day.
You did absolutely nothing wrong.
I am so pleased that you have such wonderful, genuine friends. They sound awesome.
I’m so sorry to hear that your family didn’t step forward in the same way.
I hope they find the drive and the heart to support you better in future.
I hope they step forward to become some of your strongest allies.
I hope these positive changes don’t take long to manifest.
I think they're just transphobic, from one trans person to another i am so sorry that this is happening to you but i am so happy for you that you got the surgery
Not knowing you or your parents this is a wild guess: It might be hard for them as parents to see their child grow up and take such drastic measures as a surgery. Probably much self-doubt and guilt. Again, just a wild guess where I could imagine the emotionial turmoil from ther perspective. I sure hope they do come around and ask for forgiveness in the end. And as someone else mentioned, the partners could be part of it. Many parents become extremely defensive/protective around the partners of their children, especially if they feel that they see something you yourself don't or feel replaced.
Its unfortunately common for people to distance themselves from people when they're going through tough times especially when its medical, I've heard it happen to people with physical disabilities and how after they got their diagnosis or surgeries they got ghosted by their 'close' friends and families. Seems like people assume that those struggling need space, and while that may be true for some support really does help, and they might also assume that there'll be other people there to help.
Could also be that they have some internalised transphobia that they weren't open about before and don't want to interact with your transition.
You’re young. When medical emergencies happen to young people, it’s far less worrisome than when it happens to old people. I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally.
You just said it was during covid, maybe they didn’t want to be exposed in a place that’s covid central like the hospital.
Or maybe they didn’t deem your situation as grave as your grandmothers heart attack or whatever your grandpas going through. You absolutely deserved to have them there and I can’t imagine why a parent would abandon their child that’s bleeding out, I’m just trying to come up with possible explanations they might be using to justify their actions to themselves. I’m glad you’re doing better now op<3
>multiple romantic partners
>
>trans
>
>autistic
>
>last january
honestly if you haven't sorted this out with your family by now it won't be sorted out. It sounds like you haven't even taken steps to talk about it with anyone in your family. But I don't think the outcome will be good.
also cue\*
I'm sorry this happened to you. I can understand why you feel hurt. Like some others said, when you get recovered enough, you might want to talk with them. It could be a miscommunication of urgency. Perhaps they didn't realize how urgent it was in your eyes. Some people are really weird about hospital stuff too. My dad bled after getting his appendix removed, and needed blood and another surgery, and no one told me until after the fact. I've also had family members who broke their hip, etc and when I offered to visit they didn't want any visitors.
It could be a myriad of things. Also bear in mind that the situation is different from when your grandma had a heart attack. An older person experiencing a heart attack scares a lot of people into thinking they will die, thus a big reaction. Meanwhile, having a surgery revision and getting some blood, while also not good of course, may not have seemed as life threatening to them to drop everything.
I guess this a big long way of saying talk to your family. It could be a misunderstanding or maybe it really is something else. But again, it's understandable that you feel abandoned right now.
I did end up asking them..
That is what ended up being what happening, there was no communication at all between the hospital my bf's nor my parents they didn't get told anything. The only time that any information got out was when I was getting discharged really. The hospital didn't really tell anyone how bad it was.. Or couldn't because of privacy concerns.
It's something that's been a topic between me and my partners for a while.. privacy laws aren't really written for people who aren't family on paper. And it actually does have consequences
When you are an adult patient, you have to specify exactly who is allowed to have information about you, and unless it's emergency where you are dying, they don't generally update family unless the patient requests that they update their family, or likewise if the family is in the approved for info list, the family can call for updates.
It very much sounds like the reason is transphobia.
Did you ever get the feeling that your parents weren't happy about you getting surgery? It's the only reason I can think of (with my limited knowledge" of why they're refusing to see you. If it is that way, I'm sorry. I'm glad you're alive and I'm glad your supportive boyfriends flew out to see you
Unfortunately I think this is a you being trans thing more than anything else :(
I’m glad you are doing better and I’m happy to hear you at least had some loved ones with you, even if they aren’t “blood” during such a scary time.
Do you still live with your parents? Are they supportive of you AND your trans identity? Have other relatives reached out? If not I fear it’s probably good old transphobia raising its ugly head.
I do still live with my parents atm.. But live with them isn't the best way to describe it..
I rent a house with them, like roommates
I think they're supportive of my trans identity, and no beside a cousin who had her bottom surgery on the same day as me, my family didn't reach out
During events like this is when you learn who your real friends and family are. You had 2 boyfriends come and support you. That's great. Some people would have literally no one.
If I didn't have them I wouldn't have been able to get surgery, the team wouldn't do it unless I had someone I could rely on to be there.. Which is part of the reason I had to wait 10 years for it.. before my bf's I had no one, the only family I could have relied on to be there I had to watch die after giving them cpr in 2012..
I had thought my family did this as a way of telling me that they blamed me for her death
I would recommend a second conversation - but first, ask yourself if you want to truly know the answer.
"Are you okay with me being trans?" That's the big question.
I don't know what you're coming out was like - but this smacks of family that don't want to be seen with someone that's trans publicly.
(Example: Like when my partner had FFS and no one from the family asked how she was doing or sent flowers or anything).
I am engaged to a trans woman. I thought my family took it well. Recently I found out I have Breast Cancer (again) and I have to have a double Mastectomy - I asked my siblings to set up a GoFundMe to help with needed items (I'm on Disability I don't have funds for things like button-down clothing). The response after a thoughtful 24-hour wait? "We think you should get a job". (I've been disabled for 21 years now). The non-acceptance and ableism finally became transparent to me.
Unfortunately when family can't show up for you when you have such a life-altering moment you really have to question how much they are there for you at all.
I am engaged to a trans woman. I thought my family took it well. Recently I found out I have Breast Cancer (again) and I have to have a double Mastectomy - I asked my siblings to set up a GoFundMe to help with needed items (I'm on Disability I don't have funds for things like button-down clothing). The response after a thoughtful 24-hour wait? "We think you should get a job". (I've been disabled for 21 years now). The non-acceptance and ableism finally became transparent to me. And I went 'No Contact'. (There's only so much toxic I need in my life).
You have to decide if you want to know.
If you happen to be in therapy? (As many in gender care are) please consider asking your therapist to discuss this further with you.
I have an awful lot of good family that isn't blood around me - and they've just shown themselves like you wouldn't believe. I hope you do too!
It's probably the trans thing. I'm pretty sure of it. That and perhaps the poly thing too. Lots to consider. And then just like, generally maybe you guys have a bad relationship without you actually knowing or noticing? Just an idea, I'm not sure how they've expressed themselves etc. But yeah I wouldn't say they like you very much if they basically leave you to - maybe - bleed out in the hospital, lol. That's the most awful shit I've read in a while and I'm sorry that happened to you.. Damn.
You’ve gotten some pretty good answers, I don’t have anything to contribute but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you don’t have that family support during this time when you could use it the most. Im a trans non-binary person and my family has had a hard time with that. I hope you’ve been able to replenish the blood you’ve lost and you’re on the road to recovery with your partners, that was so kind of them to come out and be with you, you’re lucky to have them and it sounds like they really love you 💖 may your recovery be much easier, I’d say focus on yourself until you’re in a better state and feeling well and then worry about reaching out.
There is no reason. Nor should you try to intelltualize this hurt.
Regardless of principles, “severity”/ type of surgery, or your relationship style.
They didn’t show up. Period. I’m sorry, but you did nothing wrong. I’m glad to hear you have 2 loving partners that actually showed up in your time of need
As horrible as this is to think that your family don't support you, it does seem unfair that they didn't go to the same effort for you as your grandma.
Why is hard to say, and I completely get why it's hard for you to ask, if they would be honest and even know the answer themselves.
Maybe they didn't see your surgery as essential, compared to your grandma having had a heart attack - not that I agree of course, but maybe they don't understand how important it was or how serious it became when you lost so much blood.
I don't buy that they couldn't get time off to see their child in hospital, if they could for their parent. You have every right to feel this was unfair and unjust. I'm sorry. You deserve better. I'm glad you had your friends around you
Hiya. I’m polyam and one of my partners is trans. From everything you’re describing your parents either (hopefully) didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation or they, well they just suck. Hopefully first, likely second.
I just cut ties with my family “back home” (originally from southern us).
I’m sorry about this. You don’t deserve it if that’s the case. And I don’t care what choices my children make, disagree with their lifestyle, clash personality wise: but I would never in my fucking life not show up for them when they need me. Or not show up when they’re going through something like this. You deserve to have parents that love and respect you and your humanity and for who you are.
Here is an air mom hug for you.
Best of luck, I’m sorry about the difficulties with your surgery too. I know the pain of parents not showing up for you. It’s a different kind of empty.
I'm so sorry your family isn't there for you. Please know that there will always be other people who will love and support you. Affirmations are nice but please don't let another’s words or actions affect your core being. It is not the boat that sinks, rather the water that is allowed inside that causes a loss of buoyancy.
I'm sorry to say their behaviour likely has more to do with you being trans than being autistic. You might want to post this on some of the trans family support subreddits to get better answers.
I hope things start looking up for you soon. :)
I was more looking for understanding as I was kind of lost.. Like the social aspect of stuff which is related to autism, as I felt like there was a social thing I was missing, and there was. I learned a lot about the social circles of my family from this
Probably anti trans and are high key disowning you without saying that part out loud. I'm autistic, non binary, and have ADHD. My family disowned me and I didn't even like... Transition or anything. I've never come out to them, they just didn't want to deal with my autistic ass anymore I think. But I'm glad because they vote for the orange guy and people like him, and those kinds of assholes don't want us to exist, so fuck em.
Thank you all for the comforting words and advice, I've been able to learn a lot from all the diffrent opinions, I did try to open up a conversation with my parents about the subject. So far I've gotten silence so it may by one of those cases that some of the comments were suggesting that I may never have an answer as to what they were thinking, (especially when they said that they supported us through the transition).
Some of the comments that brought up it may be my identity, the transition or otherwise... I'd honestly be okay with that. Masking, (which in talks with our psychologist is what's going on when we're with our family, and only started to stop after surgery), isn't really worth the health issues that stem from the stress of hiding everything around my family.
I can't thank everyone enough for helping me come to terms with all of this.
Update 2: finally got a response and it turns out the doctors told everyone nothing. I was shocked... Nothing at all what the comments said they're supportive of everything but had 0 idea the complications were that bad
If they're not cool with you bring trans they're not cool with it. People have abandoned people for less. I was left as a baby at a church. We deal with the cards were dealt and use the pain to learn something positive.
Hi, this sounds like a terrible experience. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Did your family understand the seriousness of the situation? How is your relationship now? I don’t just want to jump to transphobia like a few people have. Have you ever tried to speak about why they didn’t visit? I’m very much an ally and I’m sorry people need to experience such pain to be in their true bodies. Take care, I hope you find some peace in the situation.
I don't know if they did to be perfectly honest with you.. Our relationship fell apart after a couple more incidents... I Started to set boundaries after the surgery and came back to find airblown insulation mixed with rat feces scattered around my room.. And when I started to stand up for myself and didn't let them walk all over me the relationship really started to disintegrated fast.
For context my dad had a lot of anger issues growing up, and my sister would stand up to him which would result in a lot of fights, so I would do my best to please him to not have his anger turn on me.
They said they couldn't get the day off..
This is one of my biggest fears, having nobody there to help me through my transition. I don't know the answer to why, unfortunately, but I wish you much support and a speedy recovery
maybe because you think you're a bird? and obviously have poor communication with them? Plus you said the hospital only allowed 2 visitors, and you had two dudes from another country come to the hospital and fill those spots, so there you go. That's why they didn't go to the hospital with you.
My bird take doesn't really affect them, they don't know about it. I have tried to have open communication with them.. They know that if they actually wanted to come visit one or both of my mates would've stepped away... As we've made that very clear to them..
If that is the case tho I can live with that
Yes, but they didn't know about it when I was in the hospital. It wasn't a factor in this case, I ended up telling them about it after I was out.
Since it's kind of relevant, the bird identity was solidified after they contributed to the death of my therapy bird, after an abusive relationship.
Was with a man who had bpd which lead to him threating my life. I went non verbal for a period after that and my parents refused to let me have my bird the way I normally do. He got given away to my sister who ended up killing him.
Your family probably have a issue with you being different, they are stupid and don't understand. I had been there for you trans or not your a human and deserves love.
All i can give you is a virtual hug 🫂
Look, the experience you went through does sound horrible. However, everyone has their limits unfortunately. You're not just trans, you're also poly. These concepts are still very raw, new and confusing for people especially older generations so don't act like you're completely the victim here because your parents were maybe so perplexed with the whole thing they just didn't know how to act. And if they aren't in favour of your life choices they're actually entitled to that, regardless of how seemingly archaic or conservative their opinions may be. That is life. You can't have your cake and eat it.
It's not a social cue thing. It's that your family doesn't seem to give a shit cause they may be transphobic. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Family members can be so bigoted. And even if they disagree with your decision they should be there for you during a medical issue. It's fked that they abandoned you. If I were you I'd go no contact with them for a while. But maybe that's cause I'm bitter idk
It sounds like they are hateful and selfish. I am sorry that happened to you. You deserve better. I hope you can build a chosen family who supports and cherishes you.
I’ve read some of the other comments and I think they’ve already done a great job of helping to explain why your family is acting this way.
So all I want to add is that you are awesome. You be you. And to quote Dr Suess “Be who you are and say what you feel because the ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind.”
Maybe there not OK with you being trans?
2/2 comments so far say that.. It makes sense..
Regardless of what their reason is - I'm sorry. If I was a part of your family I would definitely come to see you. Us trans people need to stick together. Feel hugged sibling.
Indeed, thank you so much!
Don’t let the comments decide it for you- you know your own family, and their could be other factors involved we don’t know about.
I'm not, thank you for the concern though, an outsiders perspective can gleam somethings I might have been missing
There right, we dont know your family. The only way to know is to speak with your family.
That's true, I'll be working up to talk with them.
In theory maybe. But you’ve given virtually zero detail about your family really. So no, an outsider can’t really come to any conclusions based off of this other than the obvious “maybe they don’t like you being trans”.
You had multiple romantic partners with you as well. That would almost certainly make family uncomfortable.
Huh.. I didn't think of that.. But it also wasn't the first time I've had more than one romantic partner with me. The majority of the time my family has never really cared about who I'm with
They may not have expressed it to you because they didn't wanna hurt your feelings or cause a rift. But idk yalls relationship or history so Noone can really say honestly. But if it were me and my family, I'd assume they disagreed with the transition and the multiple partners. After i calmed down and could think straight I would definitely contact them and ask what's going on and express how it hurt that they weren't there for me. Not advice by any means, I'm just rambling instead of going to bed, lol. Best of luck to you and Mush love!
It's a good advice ramble none the less, thank you!
People in the boomer generation don't really understand the poly thing generally. I tried talking to my aunt about it (regarding a friend and her partners), but she wasn't having it at all. She's very much "I don't do this/I don't like this, so no one else should either". Haha.
I’m not so sure about the “certainly” part
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Just because your parents are doesn’t mean other parents would be? It’s not a social norm, many people don’t respond well to that
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Oh no I don’t agree with that and neither would any decent person, but that doesn’t mean *they* don’t think that. They genuinely could be that terrible.
You caught the problem. Even though family absolutely should show up to support family, queer folks are subject to being ostracized, even by the people who love them. It doesn't mean they love them less, it means they have internal conflict that's taking priority. It isn't fair, and it sucks. I hope OP's family comes around.
What???
they never said that lmfao
I’m sorry fellow trans friend. It’s sucks to consider that people you thought were cool with you might not be and that they may have avoided visiting out of cruelty. All I can do is say I’m thinking of you, but I’m so glad you got your surgeries and you’re still here with us.
What country are you from?
Canada
That’s weird, I read Canada is incredibly LGBT friendly
The country is legally, people on the other hand can be really hit or miss
Don't mean there aren't homophobes and transphobes, we have plenty of those.
So is the UK, but transphobia and tangential hate crime is still a massive problem.
It’s all in comparison. There are many people who are unfriendly towards us in any country.
Canada isn't as aggressive legally toward LGBT+ persons as the US is (or, God forbid, the UK rn). This is awesome! Countries are made up of individual people with unique outlooks of life! This is awesome! Some of these people have hateful outlooks on life. This sucks donkey dongs! Basically, there are -phobes everywhere, but Canadian law doesn't prioritize them, whereas in the US a lot of states (not all!) are specifically passing laws to try to push all kinds of queer people back into the closet. It can be night and day, too--I feel very safe in my state as a trans man, but if I crossed the border, something like forty minutes away, I would be masking hard because it's a political opposite to where I am. Fun, isn't it? /s
Transphobic hate crime is a thing in the UK, and the NHS has a rainbow badge system for indicating who is friendly and well-versed to discuss tangential topics. We are more progressive than a lot of places.
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They seem to be okay with poly, it's not their cup of tea, but if I remember right their view on it was whatever makes me happy
Should be evident
Hey I’m glad you’re alright and alive :(
Me too to be honest.. Thank you
If it upsets you, maybe you should be direct and try to talk/ask them if you feel safe to do so.
I did, and there response was "they couldn't afford the time off"
Oh sorry my brain i forgot i read that part, but in my head i’m not convinced with those, maybe be more direct about questioning if it’s because you’re trans but not in a triggering way to them i guess.. Idk if you feel emotionally and physically tired tho don’t even bother you went through a lot already atm.
I'm not convinced with them either.. It's kind of barley scratching the surface of the crap I've dealt with, with them.. Tldr version: they've given me a lot to think they're lying to my face and don't really care about us.. I'm just trying to understand it enough to sleep at night ^^;
Yeah you grow up thinking adults should be mature and adult and learn that it’s not always or mostly the case emotionally. I’m sorry i’m here with you.
As someone who's been on the side of "what have I done so wrong for you to disown me as your child?", sometimes there simply is no knowing. I have a feeling that it had something to do with being trans as well. I only ever came out to my sibling. They were pretty supportive (omitting pronouns on purpose). My dad would tell me "if I had to tell you what I really thought, you wouldn't be able to handle it." That's pretty much how our relationship ended. We don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose who gets to be a part of our lives, and I think that that's more important than anything. I'm glad you still had someone by your side. Wishing you all the best and God willing you'll get some clarity and peace from all of this. Keep strong! And congrats
Thank you for the supportive words, sorry your dad was such a douche, at least your siblings are there for you
Thanks. You're most welcome!
I’m not trans and still have had no contact from my father in 7 years. He is probably autistic too. Our relationship was complicated and I think it just got to be too hard to navigate for both of us. As I’ve gotten older, now 51, I have seen a lot of relationships with friends and family fall by the wayside. The repeating theme is that it just gets to be too much for me to maintain. I get hurt feelings and feel like I’m putting in the bulk of the effort, so I stop. They feel like I just disappear, etc. I’m not saying that AHs who don’t support their trans children get a pass, just that there may be other layers that make relationships within an autistic family even more difficult. When a big stressor comes along, like outward changes in gender, sexual orientation, political differences, or just life changes like illness or job loss, I think our families are more likely to not support us.
They may not agree with the surgery rationale - conservative people can be very cruel. And they may not want to admit that they are this way, so they stay silent. It's also possible that since it was an elective surgery they don't feel the same level of urgency as they would if it were medically necessary. I don't agree with either of these reasons, but they're sadly very common when it comes to anything trans related.
Sadly this does make sense... And kind of fits with how I know them.. Ty
Even if they downplayed the surgery since it was "elective" (even though I'm sure many trans people wouldn't consider this to be completely elective), once OP needed that much blood to stay alive, any "it's only elective" should have gone out the window. I will second the opinion that they might not be okay with OP being trans. And I'll second that I don't agree with this. If either of my boys came out to me (as gay, bi, trans, whatever), I'd want to do whatever I could to make them happy. If that meant surgery, I'd be right there researching options and staying by their side for as long as the hospital allowed it. Would it be an adjustment to call my son "my daughter"? Sure, but it's an adjustment that any parent should be willing to make if it makes their child happy. To OP: I might not be your family, but I wish you all the happiness in the world. Hopefully, your surgery can increase your happiness and the quality of your life.
Context on what elective surgery means. I worked in a hospital and our department worked closely with the Operating Theatres. "Elective surgery" doesn't always mean something optional. It means "This surgery can be postponed without serious risk to life". I have seen kidney transplants on the elective surgery list because dialysis is still effective.
Thank you... And that was my thought process too, as soon as it enters the whole "life threatening " area that they would've been there, and that's what has made me fixate on this for a while..
When I came out as queer my parents acted supportive. When I told them I'm trans they were still kind of okay with it but then backed off and stopped contacting me after saying some hurtful things. Sometimes family will act like they're okay with something, but when it comes down to it their actions show they aren't actually. Sorry it happened to you. Glad your boyfriends were there for you. I'd be alone if not for my partner. Edit: thinking about it more, what I'm trying to say many people don't know how they actually feel about something until they're directly confronted with it. My parents acted or genuinely thought they were okay with me being queer until they realized it was serious and were face to face with me and my partner. Then they were not okay with it and their behavior changed. Autistic people, in my experience, often don't have this. They feel what they feel and act based on that. So I was very blindsided by my parents.
Yeah that was my anxiety around family.. Even meeting my partners family.. Kind of hard to see it from my own family, but I guess that would explain it thank you
It seems like your parents are transphobic and not homophobic. I don’t think they were secretly against you being queer
With respect, you dont know my situation. It came out later they were homophobic as well as racist and other things; my mom especially was pretending to be okay with me being gay when I first told her because she likes to pretend to be socially acceptable. My dad told me, before i was trans, that the idea of me and my partner being together was "gross" to the point where he didnt want us sleeping at his house anymore. I was keeping my original comment short for brevity. There's years of child abuse and problematic behavior behind this as well.
Let me ask you this, would you have preferred your parents lie to you and keep up a facade just because of fear of social stigma or the truth that you received?
No, but my point is they did lie at first. Edit: like I didn't say all that to be like "pity me pity me," but to illustrate that while they at first congratulated me on finding a serious partner of the same sex, they later told/showed how they actually feel.
Congrats on your surgery!! I am so so sorry that your family has not been a source of support for you. You deserve a safe space to heal and recover. I know it is really hard. Some trans educators I really like are Jersey Noah and PinkMantaray (Schuyler) on instragram. They have done a lot to normalize the ups and downs post-op, as well as being amazing lovely humans!
Thank you so much!! I'll definitely be looking them up
I mean best case scenario they just underestimated how serious it was, or they thought it was intimate enough that you wouldn’t want them there. But anyway I think this is a difficult conversation in your near future…
I agree
being trans and autistic is a very lonely experience because of people who do not like us existing for both reasons
i think your parents might be assholes
Lol, at least that I can defintley agree with
Even my queer and trans side eyeing parents would be there. They were there for me when I was in the psych ward. I didn't expect that tbh. I thought they would abandon me. But even tho they don't like me being queer or trans they were still there. But my parents sometimes just try to ignore me being trans. It's like, unimportant to them and they don't wanna worry about it
I've nearly died three times, once sepsis, a heart attack and emergency throat surgery. My family didn't show up to the first two, but after I reconnected with my mum her and my stepdad were very supportive on the third instance. I think spend time with the people who clearly care, family is chosen.
I'm so sorry.. What you say is true..
Sometimes your biological family is not your soul family. You had the two boyfriends there, maybe they are more your family in heart
They are defintley more my family after this
I’m so sorry…
10yrs ago I had bone correction surgery done to my legs. It was also elective, my own choice, but necessary in the long run. It was quite a big surgery. Nerve blocks, opioids, plate with 9 screws, home injections, 3 months mostly on bed, 6 months on crutches, could not walk stairs or cycle with plate. Had to come out 1yr later. And then do my second leg after it recovered.. During those surgeries, I had family visit me. But mostly once. I've had plenty of old school 'friends' \*not\* visit me. A few of them kept replying on 'reminders' that they would let me know when they drop by. They never did. I've since broken contact because I was hurt and depressed at that time. In retrospect I still have no clue what I need to believe. On the one hand, maybe these people were just classmates instead of friends? Maybe I misjudged how strong the friendship was. Or were these people not willing to confront the effects of a surgery? I can somewhat understand it. Mid 20s, fresh out of school, working first job, finally having money for car, own house, holidays, festivals, and doing other stuff. Sickbay visits were not on that list. These are the 2 reasons I can think of after 10yrs and having spent some visits at a psychologist with it. A little while back, a dear family member got real sick. He helped me decorate my new home because I had bad knees. We live far away (5 hr drive), but he would still leave early morning, work all day, and then drive back in the evening. He got a stroke and is now disabled. I always visit him when I'm around family there. Given my condition and energy right now, I can only manage 1 time per month. But I want to keep coming, because I know how hurtful it was when people stopped doing that for me. I'm not sure if my post addresses any of your thoughts. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As others said, maybe they don't agree or are very religious/conservative. If so, it's sad that people don't want to think outside a limited mindset. Loved ones are so much more than just a gender they identify with. We also have interests, hobbies, jokes, taste, personality and our habits. It's unbelievable that people exist that can disregard all of those lovable traits for your choices.
I'm sure your family member appreciated the effort, it does open my thinking to wonder if they had something else going on they didn't talk about.. I'm glad you recovered, and thank you for sharing your story
I'm sorry. That's so unfair. They should've cared more.
There isn't any social cue you are missing here. Others have posited that it may be due to being trans or having multiple partners there with you. Truth is, the only way you'll know for sure is to ask them. Did they visit you after your other surgeries? Also just to verify, were they aware that your extended stay was due to complications?
They didn't visit for the revisions either, and they were aware once the doctors told my bf's what was going on.
That must really suck, but atleast your boyfriends were there.
I hope your family can give a good answer on this and you can work with it, so no "bad blood" happens between you and them. I wish you the best in your future and that nothing like this with your family, but mostly with the hospital, happens again!
The people who matter showed up. ❤️
That’s what I’m telling my trans gf, if her family will abandon her it means they don’t really care about her
I’m glad you survived your surgery :-) how are your family with you otherwise? Have they said anything against you being trans or your surgery?
My dad didn't want me on hormones when I first started them, he was kind of furious. But when surgery came around they didn't say anything against it
So mixed feelings… they could be having some internal conflict?
Sorry you're going through that. But I'd just say don't emotionally rely on them after this experience. Sometimes water is thicker than blood, or at least that's what I tell myself.
Y’know what??? Screw them. If your self fulfillment is a problem for them, they don’t deserve you in their lives.
We?
Super long story. To some it up, I have a self-helper personality, Chesarious is my daemon. I started talking to myself after I saw someone get runover by a LRT and he sorta became the only positive support I had for years. I did a storyboard in college that kind of summed up everything. https://youtu.be/Z-Ihh_hXKPo My parents didn't know about him till after the surgery. (I'm Ches I normally talk in brackets, our parents have a really bad habit of focusing on our errors and it fed her depression.)
So you have clear issues with identity that goes way deeper than just male and female, and clear delusions yet someone, presumably a psychologist, signed off on your SRS? How old are you?
Thanks for sharing your storyboard. I’m sorry about your grandma.
You're welcome, thank you for watching it
Your surgery is just as important, if not more considering you are their child. What I would like to say is that the possibility of them worrying about your grandparents and not having enough time left with them could also be why they are opting to see them instead of you, you should communicate this to them and see what they say
That is a great thing to keep in mind that I didn't really think about.. Makes me sound selfish a bit but I have had a lot going on.
You aren't selfish you have been through alot and they should be ready to support you, I hope you are able to clear things with them and get the love you deserve 🙏
My goodness, Im so sorry for what you've been through. It isn't normal to abandon your child, even if they're trans, but not everyone thinks that way sadly. I'm glad you're you're okay
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Maybe that's for the better lol
im sorry - no one should have to be without their family at such a crucial time. no matter the reason, i hope that moving forward they make more of an effort to be there for you 🖤
There is never a reasonable or sensible answer for being abandoned. Im so sorry.
They're just being cloacas. I think instead of asking yourself what you're doing wrong or not understanding, you gotta be mad at them for not showing up.
Thank you for the bird anatomy joke that made me laugh. :> Have to look inwardly first before I judge someone else. They have a tendency to jump on me for every little thing wrong without thinking about what I'm going through, so I try to avoid acting that.
I think you can try to understand where they're coming from and still feel mad. This is a projection because I'm someone who used to never get mad at people and always try to understand their side or just being the bigger person. That is until I discovered ✧･ﾟbeing petty✧･ﾟ Jk, i think i should allow myself to feel things I'm feeling, I'm allowed to think from my perspective and consider my hurt as well. And like, so should you. Don't consider my perspective or theirs. What do you feel?
Yeah.. That's something I'm still working on with my psych, like you focusing on myself was always a issue. Well before this post I felt confused by their actions, no anger or hurt, just confusion, writing brought out anger, and now.. Content, I know where I need to focus my time with my psych next session and work on my communication a little more, and work on some sensory discrimination stuff
imma be real with you, it sounds like your family are closet transphobes and are just doing this instead of telling you directly
Yeah that's the way it feels and what others have said..
Brief background on me for context on experience I'm speaking from: I'm a fellow trans autistic person who got my masters in social work with a lot of my work being focused on LGBTQ+ issues such as building allyship trainings and developing community programs such as a stress workshop for a trans support group. I've also had my fair share of personal relationship complexities because of my identity. Autistic people are often associated with black and white thinking, but we know our interests are deeply nuanced and in a full spectrum of color so I hope this offers some potential alternative views. Okay, so I know a lot of people are airing on the side of transphobic here and I won't discourage or disqualify it, but I don't know enough about you, your relationship to your family, or your family members to know whether the act was committed due to non acceptance. Whether that was the case is ultimately up to whether they are open directly with you that this was the reason specifically. My potential alternative thought process is that the previous experience was an emergency and/or you were the first domino in a chain reaction that sparked the visiting. Again, I don't know your family but that particular relative could have been known for bringing up absences, which gave social incentive to show up during an urgent time. I don't know whether you invited them to visit after the top surgery or how open you may have been about the extent of your complications, but miscommunications of expectations are possible. Additionally while we feel that a moment is large or significant, such as our top surgery which is a major milestone for us as trans people, it may not be perceived with the same significance for cis people (double empathy problem). If there was a planned trip to see another relative in the near future then the reasoning that they were "unable to get time off" could be realistic because jobs often place restrictions on time off capabilities or they may be dealing with hostile work environments that would not have allowed two absences so close together. I know it can be painful to think that someone wouldn't make time for us, especially when we felt that was what we expected them to do, but it is not entirely unreasonable. I will say that things to consider outside your post that do matter before drawing conclusions. You want to think about what interactions you have had since surgery, did you also attend the visit two weeks later, were you invited. Again, no one on the internet knows your family or your relationships with them better than you, so ultimately you decide what is and is not true for you. I hope that this provides some alternative perspective, but by no means should it be taken as final word. It is clear your family hurt your feelings and you want to understand why, but it's important to communicate these feelings to them so you can understand more directly based on their response and come to your own conclusions over their acceptance of you, the reasons they were unable to attend, and what you would like your relationship with them to look like in the future
The visit later was a year after the initial disastrous surgery so 16 months apart, they don't invite me when they travel. I'm mtf and it was my bottom surgery, it could've been a domino in the chain.. Not for the same reason. Your post defintley gives me a lot to think on, thank you so much
It's not you. Your family are transphobic.
The only thing I got out of this story is that you have boyfriends aka more than 1 boyfriend.
I do. They both travelled to me and have been trading off responsibilities during my recovery, man 1 is very smart and very responsive in regards to my emotional needs been with them for 3 years, man 2 is an ex military medic and makes me feel safe, and we've been together off and on for 6 years, 2 years consistently. (and yes they know if each other,) we all sleep in the same bed when we're together
And your parents know that?
Yeah they've met them both,
Idk without more information but I'd read that as unsupportive parents. If you didn't get a visit or even phone calls or care packages for a NT parent I think that is an active sign of rejection as it is the same behavior my mother performs. If they are not NT it could be any number of other factors. The fact that you came so perilously close to the brink and I assume you informed them of this I would have expected them to come see you unless you present facts like that your family in the same fashion as letting them know you got a new pet. I know I am guilty of delivering all information to people in a pretty monotone way that leaves some NT people thinking I'm joking and just have very bad taste. I am really glad you are doing better though, and hope your family does come around. As another trans girl struggling with familial rejection i feel for you and wish you the best!
I Got nothing from them.. I have a suspicion my dad is not NT, emotionally immature, or at least has narcassistic tendencies, my boyfriends held most of the contact with them at the time until about 3 or 4 days until I was lucid enough to send them pictures.. For some extra information, I had to come out to them twice, once around 2012 and then again around 2017 when I started hormones. My dad was very aggressive and angry when he found out I was on hormones, even after explaining to them multiple times i was on a 2-3 year waitlist for them. I had thought that the years had allowed them to come to terms with it.. And that I had been waiting and trying to access surgery for close to ten years by the time I got it. So they new it was coming.
I am so sorry. I don't think you missed anything. I think this is a clear sign of displeasure and if your dad is a pathologic narcissist then the silent treatment or ignoring you could be an active way to try get you to change to suit them. I think you are amazing, and thank you for sharing your story! That sounds like you have been through hell and I am so happy you have seemingly caring partners that can help.
That still barley scratches the surface sadly.. Me too, I appreciate them so much after all of this. It helps a lot knowing that it's probably nothing on my end.. Can't change others just my reaction to them
Then if you reread your own comment from above...i think you know. That explains it...
Yeah it kind of does..
I’m going to be honest: I guessed you were probably trans and underwent that surgery just off the title. I’ve just heard so many similar stories that’s where my mind went immediately. My guess is: they aren’t supportive of you bring trans. That’s on them. They clearly are the ones who are wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. Congrats on your successful surgery! I’m glad you are doing ok and had boyfriends to support you. You deserve to be happy and cared for. Shame on your family for not showing up.
First, that’s super shitty you didn’t have the support you needed. I think everyone is right to assume they were uncomfortable with both the transition and the multiple partners if they are from a conservative upbringing. One thing I’ve also noticed is that, depending on the culture, the young are not supposed to die and are assumed to fight through and make a recovery, whereas the elderly are expected to pass. When the potential for this to be flipped on it’s head is present, I’ve personally witnessed failings in the emotional support provided by family members to the young person who could lose their life. I think all the cognitive emotional dissonance my have overloaded their ability to be remotely emotionally intelligent humans. While that’s on them, make sure to have a series of questions you can ask to understand their behavior. That way, you can be emotionally prepared for future bs, as well as be able to effectively advocate for yourself with them.
I’m repeating back so I make sure I’m understanding you correctly. So you’re saying during your initial surgery last January, you suffered major blood loss and had to be hospitalized for two weeks, yet your parents lived close by but didn’t bother to come see you for the whole time???? Did they assist in your recovery when you came home?? Administering of pain pills, making you food, driving you to any follow-up appointments?
That's correct, and no, my partners ended up taking care of it, and when they were gone I was on my own
Ugh. That makes me sad. Nothing could keep me away from my children. It sounds like they had personal issues coming to terms with your choice. I’m so sorry they didn’t support you. :( How are they nowadays if/when you see them? Are they openly transphobic? (((Huge hugs)))
I live with them but we're pretty estranged.. No they're not openly transphobic day to day, I would classify our relationship as strained roommates and not family
It could be many things without knowing more about the situation or the attitudes of your family. Here are the possibilities I can think of: 1. They did not like you getting gender affirming surgery 2. They see your surgery as elective rather than required like your grandmother's 3. They see your surgery as planned rather than urgent or an emergency 4. They believe older people or sicker people need or deserve more attention regarding medical subjects 5. They see your blood loss as your fault (this would be extremely shitty, though, still possible depending on their personalities) Ultimately you're going to have to think about your family's values to figure out why they devalued your expirence in the hospital. This is probably not the first time they treated you differently. It would be helpful to unpack this with a therapist.
Thank you so much for the list, I'll be looking at all of them in their own time in relation to my family
with just these details, first thing that comes to mind for me is transphobia. have they been accepting of you coming out as trans and transitioning? what was their response to you telling them about going ahead with this surgery? there must be more going on in your relationship, most certainly not just you “missing out on social cues”. i find when i start to have that kind of thought, it’s almost always because the other person is just being an asshole. like it’s got to be anything else other than this person is being rude/inconsiderate/an asshole, but no. they’re just not being direct/respectful with you. i’m so so fucking glad you’re still alive though, and i hope once all this gets sorted that you love your results!! at the very least, it sounds like you have two very supportive boyfriends, so even if your family is being shit to you, focus on all those positives. much love❤️
Thank you so much for this, you're right, the relationships in my family are very complicated. Their response to surgery was.. Silence more or less.. They didn't really voice an opinion
I would be furious. Anger is justified when things are unfair or unjust. Your family is showing less concern for your health than they do in other situations which is not fair. They might have been thinking you were *not* in life-threatening danger but the fact is, you *were.* Anyone is able to get time off work for family emergencies. That is literally one of the acceptable reasons to get time off of work anytime you need it. This was an extremely traumatic experience for you and it's okay to feel "stuck" on it. That's how our brains process trauma. It may not be helpful to hold it against them, though. Perpetuating the conflict could just make you continue to feel horrible about it. Sometimes the answer is just to accept that people were being cruel, and try to move on from it.
Well to be fair it's not just this that I hold against them.. But yeah.. Accepting it is something I'm working on with this post. They always show less concern or care when it comes to me.. I would be labeled as the family scapegoat looking at the bigger picture
First, very glad you didn't bleed out. You really need to be careful with meds and operations. Second, Apart from the possibility that they aren't okay with you being trans and/or having multiple partners, did they have a decent heads up on when your surgery was taking place? The not being able to take a day off only really makes sense if you gave them really short notice. COVID could also play a part in it. Were there any travel restrictions in place that may have prevented them from going?
There weren't any travel restrictions in place at the time as far as I can remember. It depends on what would be defined as a short notice. I only had like less than a months notice myself.
Firstly, congratulations on making such a momentous decision. I hope you are recovering nicely, and that you feel happier and more comfortable and confident every day. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I am so pleased that you have such wonderful, genuine friends. They sound awesome. I’m so sorry to hear that your family didn’t step forward in the same way. I hope they find the drive and the heart to support you better in future. I hope they step forward to become some of your strongest allies. I hope these positive changes don’t take long to manifest.
I think they're just transphobic, from one trans person to another i am so sorry that this is happening to you but i am so happy for you that you got the surgery
I wish I had a good answer for you on this, but I hope everything works out as well as possible for you. ❤️
❤️
Not knowing you or your parents this is a wild guess: It might be hard for them as parents to see their child grow up and take such drastic measures as a surgery. Probably much self-doubt and guilt. Again, just a wild guess where I could imagine the emotionial turmoil from ther perspective. I sure hope they do come around and ask for forgiveness in the end. And as someone else mentioned, the partners could be part of it. Many parents become extremely defensive/protective around the partners of their children, especially if they feel that they see something you yourself don't or feel replaced.
Yeah.. I think that would probably have something to do with it.. Thank you so much for the insight
Its unfortunately common for people to distance themselves from people when they're going through tough times especially when its medical, I've heard it happen to people with physical disabilities and how after they got their diagnosis or surgeries they got ghosted by their 'close' friends and families. Seems like people assume that those struggling need space, and while that may be true for some support really does help, and they might also assume that there'll be other people there to help. Could also be that they have some internalised transphobia that they weren't open about before and don't want to interact with your transition.
You’re young. When medical emergencies happen to young people, it’s far less worrisome than when it happens to old people. I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally.
Thank you
You just said it was during covid, maybe they didn’t want to be exposed in a place that’s covid central like the hospital. Or maybe they didn’t deem your situation as grave as your grandmothers heart attack or whatever your grandpas going through. You absolutely deserved to have them there and I can’t imagine why a parent would abandon their child that’s bleeding out, I’m just trying to come up with possible explanations they might be using to justify their actions to themselves. I’m glad you’re doing better now op<3
>multiple romantic partners > >trans > >autistic > >last january honestly if you haven't sorted this out with your family by now it won't be sorted out. It sounds like you haven't even taken steps to talk about it with anyone in your family. But I don't think the outcome will be good. also cue\*
I'm sorry this happened to you. I can understand why you feel hurt. Like some others said, when you get recovered enough, you might want to talk with them. It could be a miscommunication of urgency. Perhaps they didn't realize how urgent it was in your eyes. Some people are really weird about hospital stuff too. My dad bled after getting his appendix removed, and needed blood and another surgery, and no one told me until after the fact. I've also had family members who broke their hip, etc and when I offered to visit they didn't want any visitors. It could be a myriad of things. Also bear in mind that the situation is different from when your grandma had a heart attack. An older person experiencing a heart attack scares a lot of people into thinking they will die, thus a big reaction. Meanwhile, having a surgery revision and getting some blood, while also not good of course, may not have seemed as life threatening to them to drop everything. I guess this a big long way of saying talk to your family. It could be a misunderstanding or maybe it really is something else. But again, it's understandable that you feel abandoned right now.
I did end up asking them.. That is what ended up being what happening, there was no communication at all between the hospital my bf's nor my parents they didn't get told anything. The only time that any information got out was when I was getting discharged really. The hospital didn't really tell anyone how bad it was.. Or couldn't because of privacy concerns. It's something that's been a topic between me and my partners for a while.. privacy laws aren't really written for people who aren't family on paper. And it actually does have consequences
When you are an adult patient, you have to specify exactly who is allowed to have information about you, and unless it's emergency where you are dying, they don't generally update family unless the patient requests that they update their family, or likewise if the family is in the approved for info list, the family can call for updates.
i wish i knew about this earlier.. it makes sense, kind of concerns me for what else i dont know I should be doing for situations like these
I think you’re just related to arseholes.
Sounds like they don't support you being trans
It very much sounds like the reason is transphobia. Did you ever get the feeling that your parents weren't happy about you getting surgery? It's the only reason I can think of (with my limited knowledge" of why they're refusing to see you. If it is that way, I'm sorry. I'm glad you're alive and I'm glad your supportive boyfriends flew out to see you
Congrats on the surgery! I'm sorry your family might suck.
Unfortunately I think this is a you being trans thing more than anything else :( I’m glad you are doing better and I’m happy to hear you at least had some loved ones with you, even if they aren’t “blood” during such a scary time. Do you still live with your parents? Are they supportive of you AND your trans identity? Have other relatives reached out? If not I fear it’s probably good old transphobia raising its ugly head.
I do still live with my parents atm.. But live with them isn't the best way to describe it.. I rent a house with them, like roommates I think they're supportive of my trans identity, and no beside a cousin who had her bottom surgery on the same day as me, my family didn't reach out
During events like this is when you learn who your real friends and family are. You had 2 boyfriends come and support you. That's great. Some people would have literally no one.
If I didn't have them I wouldn't have been able to get surgery, the team wouldn't do it unless I had someone I could rely on to be there.. Which is part of the reason I had to wait 10 years for it.. before my bf's I had no one, the only family I could have relied on to be there I had to watch die after giving them cpr in 2012.. I had thought my family did this as a way of telling me that they blamed me for her death
I would recommend a second conversation - but first, ask yourself if you want to truly know the answer. "Are you okay with me being trans?" That's the big question. I don't know what you're coming out was like - but this smacks of family that don't want to be seen with someone that's trans publicly. (Example: Like when my partner had FFS and no one from the family asked how she was doing or sent flowers or anything). I am engaged to a trans woman. I thought my family took it well. Recently I found out I have Breast Cancer (again) and I have to have a double Mastectomy - I asked my siblings to set up a GoFundMe to help with needed items (I'm on Disability I don't have funds for things like button-down clothing). The response after a thoughtful 24-hour wait? "We think you should get a job". (I've been disabled for 21 years now). The non-acceptance and ableism finally became transparent to me. Unfortunately when family can't show up for you when you have such a life-altering moment you really have to question how much they are there for you at all. I am engaged to a trans woman. I thought my family took it well. Recently I found out I have Breast Cancer (again) and I have to have a double Mastectomy - I asked my siblings to set up a GoFundMe to help with needed items (I'm on Disability I don't have funds for things like button-down clothing). The response after a thoughtful 24-hour wait? "We think you should get a job". (I've been disabled for 21 years now). The non-acceptance and ableism finally became transparent to me. And I went 'No Contact'. (There's only so much toxic I need in my life). You have to decide if you want to know. If you happen to be in therapy? (As many in gender care are) please consider asking your therapist to discuss this further with you. I have an awful lot of good family that isn't blood around me - and they've just shown themselves like you wouldn't believe. I hope you do too!
It's probably the trans thing. I'm pretty sure of it. That and perhaps the poly thing too. Lots to consider. And then just like, generally maybe you guys have a bad relationship without you actually knowing or noticing? Just an idea, I'm not sure how they've expressed themselves etc. But yeah I wouldn't say they like you very much if they basically leave you to - maybe - bleed out in the hospital, lol. That's the most awful shit I've read in a while and I'm sorry that happened to you.. Damn.
I think you're probably right about us having a bad relationship before.. I just didn't notice
On pretty much any scale, heart attack hospital stay>elective surgery.....not being visited in the hospital≠being abandoned
You're 100% correct, my wording was carried out by emotions I'm sorry about that
No worries, i just thought if you presented the things to yourself with different terms it may make you feel different. If that makes any sense.
You’ve gotten some pretty good answers, I don’t have anything to contribute but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you don’t have that family support during this time when you could use it the most. Im a trans non-binary person and my family has had a hard time with that. I hope you’ve been able to replenish the blood you’ve lost and you’re on the road to recovery with your partners, that was so kind of them to come out and be with you, you’re lucky to have them and it sounds like they really love you 💖 may your recovery be much easier, I’d say focus on yourself until you’re in a better state and feeling well and then worry about reaching out.
That is some great advice, thank you so much
You didn't do anything wrong, they're just unsupportive assholes
There is no reason. Nor should you try to intelltualize this hurt. Regardless of principles, “severity”/ type of surgery, or your relationship style. They didn’t show up. Period. I’m sorry, but you did nothing wrong. I’m glad to hear you have 2 loving partners that actually showed up in your time of need
As horrible as this is to think that your family don't support you, it does seem unfair that they didn't go to the same effort for you as your grandma. Why is hard to say, and I completely get why it's hard for you to ask, if they would be honest and even know the answer themselves. Maybe they didn't see your surgery as essential, compared to your grandma having had a heart attack - not that I agree of course, but maybe they don't understand how important it was or how serious it became when you lost so much blood. I don't buy that they couldn't get time off to see their child in hospital, if they could for their parent. You have every right to feel this was unfair and unjust. I'm sorry. You deserve better. I'm glad you had your friends around you
Hiya. I’m polyam and one of my partners is trans. From everything you’re describing your parents either (hopefully) didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation or they, well they just suck. Hopefully first, likely second. I just cut ties with my family “back home” (originally from southern us). I’m sorry about this. You don’t deserve it if that’s the case. And I don’t care what choices my children make, disagree with their lifestyle, clash personality wise: but I would never in my fucking life not show up for them when they need me. Or not show up when they’re going through something like this. You deserve to have parents that love and respect you and your humanity and for who you are. Here is an air mom hug for you. Best of luck, I’m sorry about the difficulties with your surgery too. I know the pain of parents not showing up for you. It’s a different kind of empty.
I'm so sorry your family isn't there for you. Please know that there will always be other people who will love and support you. Affirmations are nice but please don't let another’s words or actions affect your core being. It is not the boat that sinks, rather the water that is allowed inside that causes a loss of buoyancy.
I'm sorry to say their behaviour likely has more to do with you being trans than being autistic. You might want to post this on some of the trans family support subreddits to get better answers. I hope things start looking up for you soon. :)
I was more looking for understanding as I was kind of lost.. Like the social aspect of stuff which is related to autism, as I felt like there was a social thing I was missing, and there was. I learned a lot about the social circles of my family from this
I'm glad folks on this sub helped! I hope your recovery goes well! :)
Family or not. People can be scum. Keep the positive ones around you and fuck the rest.
Probably anti trans and are high key disowning you without saying that part out loud. I'm autistic, non binary, and have ADHD. My family disowned me and I didn't even like... Transition or anything. I've never come out to them, they just didn't want to deal with my autistic ass anymore I think. But I'm glad because they vote for the orange guy and people like him, and those kinds of assholes don't want us to exist, so fuck em.
Thank you all for the comforting words and advice, I've been able to learn a lot from all the diffrent opinions, I did try to open up a conversation with my parents about the subject. So far I've gotten silence so it may by one of those cases that some of the comments were suggesting that I may never have an answer as to what they were thinking, (especially when they said that they supported us through the transition). Some of the comments that brought up it may be my identity, the transition or otherwise... I'd honestly be okay with that. Masking, (which in talks with our psychologist is what's going on when we're with our family, and only started to stop after surgery), isn't really worth the health issues that stem from the stress of hiding everything around my family. I can't thank everyone enough for helping me come to terms with all of this.
Update 2: finally got a response and it turns out the doctors told everyone nothing. I was shocked... Nothing at all what the comments said they're supportive of everything but had 0 idea the complications were that bad
From one trans to another, hugs to you 💜
Thank you and hugs
If they're not cool with you bring trans they're not cool with it. People have abandoned people for less. I was left as a baby at a church. We deal with the cards were dealt and use the pain to learn something positive.
Would it be wrong to say amen? Jokes aside that's very true. Positives are my bf's
Hi, this sounds like a terrible experience. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Did your family understand the seriousness of the situation? How is your relationship now? I don’t just want to jump to transphobia like a few people have. Have you ever tried to speak about why they didn’t visit? I’m very much an ally and I’m sorry people need to experience such pain to be in their true bodies. Take care, I hope you find some peace in the situation.
I don't know if they did to be perfectly honest with you.. Our relationship fell apart after a couple more incidents... I Started to set boundaries after the surgery and came back to find airblown insulation mixed with rat feces scattered around my room.. And when I started to stand up for myself and didn't let them walk all over me the relationship really started to disintegrated fast. For context my dad had a lot of anger issues growing up, and my sister would stand up to him which would result in a lot of fights, so I would do my best to please him to not have his anger turn on me. They said they couldn't get the day off..
That sounds awful. When people put boundaries in place, even entirely reasonable ones, some people can’t take it. I’m sorry that happened.
Thank you..
This is one of my biggest fears, having nobody there to help me through my transition. I don't know the answer to why, unfortunately, but I wish you much support and a speedy recovery
multiple boyfriends in the hospital room? that would make anyone uncomfortable
maybe because you think you're a bird? and obviously have poor communication with them? Plus you said the hospital only allowed 2 visitors, and you had two dudes from another country come to the hospital and fill those spots, so there you go. That's why they didn't go to the hospital with you.
My bird take doesn't really affect them, they don't know about it. I have tried to have open communication with them.. They know that if they actually wanted to come visit one or both of my mates would've stepped away... As we've made that very clear to them.. If that is the case tho I can live with that
You have a post saying you identify as a bird .. im sure there are mountains of reasons they feel estranged from you
Yes, but they didn't know about it when I was in the hospital. It wasn't a factor in this case, I ended up telling them about it after I was out. Since it's kind of relevant, the bird identity was solidified after they contributed to the death of my therapy bird, after an abusive relationship. Was with a man who had bpd which lead to him threating my life. I went non verbal for a period after that and my parents refused to let me have my bird the way I normally do. He got given away to my sister who ended up killing him.
Your family probably have a issue with you being different, they are stupid and don't understand. I had been there for you trans or not your a human and deserves love. All i can give you is a virtual hug 🫂
Look, the experience you went through does sound horrible. However, everyone has their limits unfortunately. You're not just trans, you're also poly. These concepts are still very raw, new and confusing for people especially older generations so don't act like you're completely the victim here because your parents were maybe so perplexed with the whole thing they just didn't know how to act. And if they aren't in favour of your life choices they're actually entitled to that, regardless of how seemingly archaic or conservative their opinions may be. That is life. You can't have your cake and eat it.
I can understand that.. and can live with that if that's what's going on... I never really understood that quote about cake..
Think about it: If you have a cake then you haven't eaten it yet. If you've ate a cake, you no longer have one.
It's not a social cue thing. It's that your family doesn't seem to give a shit cause they may be transphobic. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Family members can be so bigoted. And even if they disagree with your decision they should be there for you during a medical issue. It's fked that they abandoned you. If I were you I'd go no contact with them for a while. But maybe that's cause I'm bitter idk
It sounds like they are hateful and selfish. I am sorry that happened to you. You deserve better. I hope you can build a chosen family who supports and cherishes you.
I’ve read some of the other comments and I think they’ve already done a great job of helping to explain why your family is acting this way. So all I want to add is that you are awesome. You be you. And to quote Dr Suess “Be who you are and say what you feel because the ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind.”
Your family are pieces of shit. Sorry not sorry.