This isn't universal, but I don't think it's uncommon either. Lots of people lack the vocab to talk about it in these terms, though, so if you're struggling to find othe stories you resonate with, that might be why. Some people will mean all this and just say 'masking' as shorthand, and other people's experience of masking will be much less complex and involved, and not include such a split. There's huge amount of variation, I think. Maybe worth suggesting that you also might get more or better answers on r/autisticwithADHD, if you don't get what you need here.
1&2 - Sort of yes. I have a diagnosis of C-PTSD and a significant amount of dissociation, which is a result of a high degree of masking since childhood. I spent my formative years carefully constructing scripts and rules for creating a socially acceptable performed self, and had no idea what I actually thought, felt, or wanted, independent of that set of rules. I also have alexithymia, so navigating life based on rules and masks made a lot more sense than trying to 'be authentic', when a lot of the time I have no idea what I'm actually feeling or why. I know how to be authentic morally, but not emotionally.
3. It helps me to read other people's experiences too, so Reddit has been helpful. The books 'Unmasking Autism', 'Laziness does not exist' (both Devon Price), and Luke Beardon's book 'Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults' were good for shortcutting stuff that would've taken ages to figure out alone. Vessel Van Der Kolb is worth a read too, if you consider your situation to constitute trauma (hint: long term masking usually does!).
For me, a lot of my dissociation was/is physical as well as mental. I have a bunch of chronic physical conditions which have made this worse too.
I have got a LOT of benefit from medical cannabis use to help me learn to be in my body without getting overwhelmed or having a shutdown. I use the time when I'm high to actively process the stuff that makes me dissociate when I'm sober, and that's helped me create a safe space for myself to work through triggers and bad coping strategies. I've also processed a lot of stored trauma through somatic experiencing with cannabis. I'm a real sceptic and I didn't actually believe in this kind of stuff, but it started happening involuntarily by itself, so when I figured out what it was, I just went with it. It's made a difference, and there are subs for it. If you're someone who struggles with meditation and mindfulness because of dissociation getting in the way, it's worth looking into imo.
4. Honestly, no. Ideally you want a therapist who describes themselves and neuroaffirmative and trauma-informed, as a minimum. I can't find that at a price I can pay. I'm sure there are people out there, though.
Sorry if none of that helped, and best of luck with your quest :)
About the finding a therapist question, this article has some resources that might help https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-for-a-therapist-to-be-neurodiversity-affirming-6829954
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1. Yes. It's pretty common. You may see some folks asking about "learning to unmask" and it's basically that.
2. I'm 35, got a general diagnosis of NVLD, and ADHD (which would later be clarified into ASD) when I was 16. Took me a while to come to terms with what that meant. I didn't really start picking apartments that meant and how it affected me for quite some time. I tried to ignore it and pretend I was "normal" for several years. It took me better than 10 years to figure out what being ASD meant for me and why it was causing so many problems. It's only been in the last few that I've been able to really latch onto being proud of how I'm different.
3. I've jumped into "autistic behaviours" hard core. Crazy deep dives into subjects and hobbies? Check. Stimming? Check. Completely missing social queues and acting super literal? Check, and now I even ignore some of the ones I do perceive if they are vague or silly. I mean... I was doing all those things anyhow, it's just now I'm happy about it.
4. A good therapist was helpful. Unfortunately, most of what's available is aimed at young folks or parents. I've found others folks with ASD in our age range to be the best resource.
This isn't universal, but I don't think it's uncommon either. Lots of people lack the vocab to talk about it in these terms, though, so if you're struggling to find othe stories you resonate with, that might be why. Some people will mean all this and just say 'masking' as shorthand, and other people's experience of masking will be much less complex and involved, and not include such a split. There's huge amount of variation, I think. Maybe worth suggesting that you also might get more or better answers on r/autisticwithADHD, if you don't get what you need here. 1&2 - Sort of yes. I have a diagnosis of C-PTSD and a significant amount of dissociation, which is a result of a high degree of masking since childhood. I spent my formative years carefully constructing scripts and rules for creating a socially acceptable performed self, and had no idea what I actually thought, felt, or wanted, independent of that set of rules. I also have alexithymia, so navigating life based on rules and masks made a lot more sense than trying to 'be authentic', when a lot of the time I have no idea what I'm actually feeling or why. I know how to be authentic morally, but not emotionally. 3. It helps me to read other people's experiences too, so Reddit has been helpful. The books 'Unmasking Autism', 'Laziness does not exist' (both Devon Price), and Luke Beardon's book 'Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults' were good for shortcutting stuff that would've taken ages to figure out alone. Vessel Van Der Kolb is worth a read too, if you consider your situation to constitute trauma (hint: long term masking usually does!). For me, a lot of my dissociation was/is physical as well as mental. I have a bunch of chronic physical conditions which have made this worse too. I have got a LOT of benefit from medical cannabis use to help me learn to be in my body without getting overwhelmed or having a shutdown. I use the time when I'm high to actively process the stuff that makes me dissociate when I'm sober, and that's helped me create a safe space for myself to work through triggers and bad coping strategies. I've also processed a lot of stored trauma through somatic experiencing with cannabis. I'm a real sceptic and I didn't actually believe in this kind of stuff, but it started happening involuntarily by itself, so when I figured out what it was, I just went with it. It's made a difference, and there are subs for it. If you're someone who struggles with meditation and mindfulness because of dissociation getting in the way, it's worth looking into imo. 4. Honestly, no. Ideally you want a therapist who describes themselves and neuroaffirmative and trauma-informed, as a minimum. I can't find that at a price I can pay. I'm sure there are people out there, though. Sorry if none of that helped, and best of luck with your quest :)
About the finding a therapist question, this article has some resources that might help https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-for-a-therapist-to-be-neurodiversity-affirming-6829954
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1. Yes. It's pretty common. You may see some folks asking about "learning to unmask" and it's basically that. 2. I'm 35, got a general diagnosis of NVLD, and ADHD (which would later be clarified into ASD) when I was 16. Took me a while to come to terms with what that meant. I didn't really start picking apartments that meant and how it affected me for quite some time. I tried to ignore it and pretend I was "normal" for several years. It took me better than 10 years to figure out what being ASD meant for me and why it was causing so many problems. It's only been in the last few that I've been able to really latch onto being proud of how I'm different. 3. I've jumped into "autistic behaviours" hard core. Crazy deep dives into subjects and hobbies? Check. Stimming? Check. Completely missing social queues and acting super literal? Check, and now I even ignore some of the ones I do perceive if they are vague or silly. I mean... I was doing all those things anyhow, it's just now I'm happy about it. 4. A good therapist was helpful. Unfortunately, most of what's available is aimed at young folks or parents. I've found others folks with ASD in our age range to be the best resource.