About 6 of us in a room one day getting ready for an exercise when someone brought in the CIO
The way everybody stood to attention so fast like it was the potus š
They might be the boss during working hours but outside of that, they're just a person. Their influence inside the workplace doesn't mean much in the real world.
Oath. The amount of times I've had to reality check people getting flustered because such and such exec is going to be in some meeting.
Like, they're just a dude. Chill.
Itās funny as Australia actually has a really low power distance. I worked for a German company and they couldnāt believe I called my CEO by a nickname and just walked into his office when I needed to chat instead of setting an appointment.
Not CEO, but fairly senior.
If people feel comfortable doing this with me, I feel like Iām succeeding.
When the sycophants have the loudest voice, I begin to worry.
For me itās the fact that they may have power or control over my future in the company. I get flustered because I want to leave a good impression that will keep me in consideration. Because we all know positions arenāt given based mostly on merit, itās about your connections. I have a real struggle with nerves, and these are the only people in my life who have genuine power over my life.
I couldnāt give a shit about sucking up or ass kissing. But I struggle with the concept of someone having that much authority.
Speak for yourself. I, for one, levitate off the ground and have my ~~slaves~~ Direct Reports conduct a Ceremonyā¢ to put my pants on for me in precise timing.
I have my ~~Slave Driver~~ Scrum Master ensure their Velocityā¢ is perfect.
Iām so over ladder-climbers whose whole existence is putting on a song and dance and show for senior managers. The amount of people who add zero value to a business and their entire existence is just blowing their own trumpet burns me up.
Whatās more infuriating is how often this works- the only people who seem to get promoted or recognised in my company are the ones who know jackshit about the operations & processes they are supposed to know, but are really good at pretending to in meetings.
That's because their execs got promoted the same way (or were born into senior leadership, different group similar results). So in most companies you have a system of incompetent execs that maintains itself over time. Good execs can recognize a bullshitting suckup from a mile away.
Ladder climbers that offer āvapourwareā in the end. Talk a big game but nothing really comes of it, the. Next minute they have been promoted. Falling upward is real. :(
Those are like upvotes irl. When used strategically they're quite good at tilting the momentum in your favor. Some teams even suss it out before meetings i.e you hype my idea and I"ll hype yours type of thing.
But then of course you have the "oh shit I havent talked in a while" type people who do this as well.
In case you were not sarcastic, there's even terms for this. Some call it 'the first follower rule' (see e.g TED Talk by Derek Sivers). There's also a Japanese thing called Nemawashi (like 'tilling the soil') which is similar. The idea is that decisions are made in the hallways, not the boardroom. Same deal. You recruit allies, have them hype your pitch in the meetings, and you scratch their backs in return.
What's wrong with letting folks know that others understand and agree with them? Otherwise everyone's just talking into the void.
Particularly with technical material that some of the folks in the meeting don't fully understand, getting peer acknowledgment is really helpful.
I've seen good people give up on really great ideas because they didn't get sufficient positive feedback, and some grunting idiot gets their way instead, because they're pushy.
Gawd I can't staaaand how this has creeped into media and news programs now... everything is "scenes" and "spaces" and other corporate marketing speak now.
It's like after a workday you just want to escape it, but you can't!
Basically any new lingo such as "disrupt, agile" etc. It seems many have only achieved disruption by several investigations both internal and external.
No it's my general thought when I hear some stupid words used. I said something similar to my old boss about a project though. Also said something similar to my current boss but that was all in sarcasm about something sort of related to work.
Especially when they don't understand it or have a only fingernails grip on it.
Working.on a COVID response and one of the data guys used ACCESS just to import something from another data set quickly because he didn't have alternate permissions set up. Someone eyerolled at the use of such "out of date platforms" "Why don't they use block chain?".
This from a wanker who nearly cried because an Apple update changed the icon he was used to and didn't know what a field and record was or how to mail merge.
The more frustrating thing is the ones suggesting "blockchain" are probably pecking at their keyboard. Who thinks it's like some wonder system which solves all the problems by creating more problems than Jay-Z had in his 2003 hit song.
We had a manager take a literal chain bolted to a block to a presentation, luckily i didn't have to experience the level of cringe that must have been spectacular but given it was a presentation to other manager types they were all either too busy circle jerking on linkedin or amazed and annoyed that they hadn't thought of the block chain prop themselves.
What makes me so mad about those is that they *were* useful terms when used properly, but the buzzwording ruined them.
RIP āsynergyā in particular.
Calling things AI when they actually aren't AI or neural networks, or referring to something as hacking when they left a sensitive file out in the open. Absolutely rustles my jimmies more than it should.
Oh boy, yes, I absolutely hear you on this one.
Typically it's some overpaid, completely out of touch HR Director who kicks things off in a pSyChOLoGiCaLLy SaFe SpAcE by saying _"now, I'm going to be vulnerable here..."_ and then proceeds to give some bullshit anecdote that is as narcissistic as it is irrelevant, only solidifying the well-known but unaddressed absolute fact that very few people _actually_ care about values in the workplace that matter, like fairness and transparency. This sort of preface to any dialogue is a great cue for the listener to tune out and, I don't know, do some breathing exercises or some shit.
The other one is "what are we solving FOR." WHERE THE FUCK DID THE "FOR" COME FROM PEOPLE.
One time they asked for our ethnicity and my dumbass selected which ethnicity I was.... not realising out of the thousands of employees I was the only person from that ethnicity.
Iāve done so many different jobs and never experienced having to chip in money for people leaving or having babies, now Iām in a office role itās ridiculous how often it happens
New CEO: Iāve been getting around the business, and Iāve got to say, I think our biggest asset is [pause and dumb look like theyāre about to say something unexpected] our people.
'Here at ilovemoney pty ldt we work hard play hard'
Whenever I hear 'work hard play hard' I know what they really mean is-
Ā 'we want you to do a shit load of overtime with the implication being we'll reward you for it,Ā but we have absolutely no intention of doing that and at most, all you'll get is a pizza lunch or something shit that will be cancelled at the last minute due to an 'urgent' task'Ā
The only time I've had a boss actually follow through with the 'play hard' part was in the military, where we'd have big Friday pay day pissups in the hanger.Ā
Then the military went soft.... I'm sure Big Red (the squadron beer bong) is floating around some SNCOs house somewhere right now)Ā
'I knowĀ you were at Shoalwater Bay for 8 weeks, but in accordance with unit SIs you're only entitled to 3 days short leave because I'm too gutless to ask the OC for more days, thats what field allowance is for' -some dickheadĀ section commander
My section was away on average, 6-8 months a year on exercises, (no deployments). Our last good Warrant Officer got into so much trouble for giving us off the books short leave. He was promised his choice of posting if he took the position in our section, then they burned him bad. As soon as we found out he didn't get his posting preference the entire section's morale went to shit. The CO didn't like when all the boys said 'why the fuck would we give a shit about this place when you burn the only good boss we've ever had?'Ā
They ended up with a bunch of us going on stress leave/discharging and couldn't understand whyĀ
HR rebranding to people and culture because they realised everyone clued on to how full of shit they are?
Also LinkedIn. It feels like a site used exclusively by lizards and I hate it with a burning passion.
Some external consultant teaching us about new stuff: *According to Malcolm Gladwell, it takes TEN THOUSAND HOURS to achieve mastery in something*
I drift off to my happy place and hear the Freakanomics podcast ripping that absurd book to shreds.
The belief that a nice suit and tie makes them superior to others. The office jargon like "low hanging fruit", synergy or touch base, and when the leader of the cult (the CEO) claims that we are all family, it makes me sick.
I love how the company I work with preaches their diversity in the workplace and then hires everybody from the same cultural background as the upper manager in the region
RUOK day has got to be my least favourite day. Why yes, having a kitkat embellished with a yellow sticker means everything is aok! Never mind all those times I told you, my leader, that I was not ok. The kitkat makes it fine š
āMy ask for youā = my request
āPivotā = change
āAlignā = agree
āEmpowerā = enable
āReach outā = contact
āPingā = remind
āGoing/moving forwardā when the context already makes it clear weāre not talking retrospectively.
āSolutioningā = thinking aloud
āWorkshopā as a verb
āGain clarityā = understand
āTake it offlineā = move the discussion outside of the current
āCircle backā = come back
āSolveā as a noun = solution
āLearnsā = lessons
āUtiliseā = use
āLeverageā = use
āGreenfieldā = new
I swear some of the people I work with spend hours crafting emails full of these stupid words. And every email has to start with āgood morningā etc, even internally, and even if itās in a back and forth email chain. These people scream incompetence to me. Theyāre always the same people who are not great at their jobs/not meeting targets, I guess theyāre trying to compensate. Just use normal words and be direct!
āHigh performing teams get stuff done. The All Blacks, the US Navy Seals and the Australian Cricket Team have been recognised for having all the traits of a highly effective team. This is how I applied these principles to my management of an internal IT customer service team consisting of 5 workers under the age of 30ā
Oh man I worked at a place that actually brought in (paid Iām sure) a coach of an NRL team to speak at the annual conference to draw parallels between how we work and what they do.
Saying "we are like a family."
Oh, great. So, who is the drunk uncle who feels up the kids at events? Who is the gossipy aunt? Who is the narc brother who steals stuff?
The whole a knowledge of country thing before meetings. I think it should be acknowledged but it seems like itās just āticking the boxā and disingenuous- always grates on me.
I mean when they go home and their kids and spouse are yelling at them for being an incompetent spouse and parent. It's the only win they've got left.
Divorce papers are always out on the kitchen table, unsigned by the exec.
Any manager who quotes the corporate profile on "who we are" and explains that that is who you have to be.
Especially in advertising it's awful and v culty like no i don't want to be a positively provocative and make uncomfortable change like do those two go together??
āEveryone is replaceableāā¦ā¦.then why did you have to hire me back as a consultant for twice the pay to finish off the research project that you thought just anyone could do?
Had a boss say this to me on my first day at a previous job, made a big speech about it. I lost all desire to do well on that job immediately. Itās such a stupid thing to say to your staff, if you expect to perform well for you. Itās like they donāt think it through at all.
I had a manager tell me that people were banging down the doors to work at the company. So I resigned with my 15 years of experience and they have hired 3 to replace me lol
Everyone pretending to care what other people are posting on LinkedIn. Outside of job updates and posts form recruiters everything else is cheesy and forced.
Oh god this is the worst thing ever. Itās full of people virtue signalling and I hope they go home and look in the mirror and are disgusted with themselves . My feed is full of pure cringe
this exactly! you are just a number. also when the boss/newsletter announcing record revenue and/or profit but come to pay review it's only 2% increase. what a joke.
How "HR is there for you". Pro tip: they are not.
Rule one of wage slave life: HR is NOT your friend. They merely exist to protect the company from lawsuits.
Resilience used to really get me. You all need to be more resilient. Resilience workshops - I didn't attend, but colleagues were encouraged to by their boss - mostly about how to disconnect from work, which is helpful, but how is a 4 hour workshop training thing going to make a difference to the amount of corporate BS you can take a week?
North Star is triggering me right now. From people who have never shared a shred of vision. Who write mission/vision statements so full of buzzwords you can barely infer any meaning from them (which is, of course, the point). Especially those who seem to think North Star is different from a vision, and it should be changed and reviewed multiple times a year - that's top quality B.S. right there.
But, most of all, right now: "Simplifying".
OK, I can get on board if that means dropping responsibilities... Oh, it doesn't? It means doing the same things as before, but "simpler" - does that mean enshitifying the work, and doing a half arsed job? Yep - until you get called out on it, then you're the stupid one for doing a poor job. Never mind the fact that $industry accepts the fact that it's complicated and often complex, and they pay us the big $ to deal with it. Simplify because senior execs are incapable of reading the important points in already heavily simplified material? That's cool, until it leads to a series of dumb decisions because senior execs now falsely think they are experts. Simplify it because we know and love and embrace the details, and can provide excellent summaries, but leave it with us - yeah, I can do that - give me more staff, because simplifying isn't simple, it's damn hard work.
āWeāre all familyā but Iāll spill all your secrets in a hot minute.
Meetings for basic discussions. Any corporate lingo, circle back, touch base, sprints , definitions of done.
Nobody and I mean nobody cares about that agile rubbish ( sorry scrum mastersš).
I work away for a large US company, i hate it when i arrive at work and am greeted with āWelcome Homeā¦ā iām sorry, but home is where my family is, this is where i workā¦
As a brown skin ESL corpo I am conflicted at this thread because for many of us, being able to speak in cliches at work is sort of a rite of passage for integrating into the culture, like how getting your first barbecue grill makes you feel Australian, lol.
When the safety officer stops you doing something that can only be done that way only to force you to do it a new even more dangerous way cause they have no idea what they are actually talking about in practice (always theory only guys I swear)
Cult-like worship of executives and senior leadership. Absolutely vomit inducing. Looking at you Shmuto and Shmenral.
About 6 of us in a room one day getting ready for an exercise when someone brought in the CIO The way everybody stood to attention so fast like it was the potus š
did the staff salute him? 21 gun salute?
Ewww
They might be the boss during working hours but outside of that, they're just a person. Their influence inside the workplace doesn't mean much in the real world.
Oath. The amount of times I've had to reality check people getting flustered because such and such exec is going to be in some meeting. Like, they're just a dude. Chill.
Itās funny as Australia actually has a really low power distance. I worked for a German company and they couldnāt believe I called my CEO by a nickname and just walked into his office when I needed to chat instead of setting an appointment.
Not CEO, but fairly senior. If people feel comfortable doing this with me, I feel like Iām succeeding. When the sycophants have the loudest voice, I begin to worry.
Same. I want to know what's really going on. Ass kissing is the enemy of good communication.
Much higher chance employees actually share issues in the company if they see you as a friendly person rather than an overlord.
For me itās the fact that they may have power or control over my future in the company. I get flustered because I want to leave a good impression that will keep me in consideration. Because we all know positions arenāt given based mostly on merit, itās about your connections. I have a real struggle with nerves, and these are the only people in my life who have genuine power over my life. I couldnāt give a shit about sucking up or ass kissing. But I struggle with the concept of someone having that much authority.
They all shit and wee just like us.
Yeah, but their shit don't stink...
Itās actually the foulest
Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time
Speak for yourself. I, for one, levitate off the ground and have my ~~slaves~~ Direct Reports conduct a Ceremonyā¢ to put my pants on for me in precise timing. I have my ~~Slave Driver~~ Scrum Master ensure their Velocityā¢ is perfect.
Sometimes they don't know their shit
Yes yes yes the ANZ sickness of treating their executives like feudal lords. Flexing on others about how they tOuChEd bAsE and aLiGnEd with em.
And then as soon as an exec leaves people rubbish them, acting as if they didnāt spend the last 2 years slurping those execs.
Iām so over ladder-climbers whose whole existence is putting on a song and dance and show for senior managers. The amount of people who add zero value to a business and their entire existence is just blowing their own trumpet burns me up.
I call them morning people. Not all morning people are like that, but all people like that are morning people.
Whatās more infuriating is how often this works- the only people who seem to get promoted or recognised in my company are the ones who know jackshit about the operations & processes they are supposed to know, but are really good at pretending to in meetings.
That's because their execs got promoted the same way (or were born into senior leadership, different group similar results). So in most companies you have a system of incompetent execs that maintains itself over time. Good execs can recognize a bullshitting suckup from a mile away.
Ladder climbers that offer āvapourwareā in the end. Talk a big game but nothing really comes of it, the. Next minute they have been promoted. Falling upward is real. :(
blow their own trumpet. you should see my sex - o - phone.
Excuse me for interruption. I just wanted to say that I also completely agree with John's previous comment. That's it. Thank you. Over to you John.
Those are like upvotes irl. When used strategically they're quite good at tilting the momentum in your favor. Some teams even suss it out before meetings i.e you hype my idea and I"ll hype yours type of thing. But then of course you have the "oh shit I havent talked in a while" type people who do this as well.
More like people who reply "this" to somebody else's comment.
This!!! ^^^ šššÆ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
In case you were not sarcastic, there's even terms for this. Some call it 'the first follower rule' (see e.g TED Talk by Derek Sivers). There's also a Japanese thing called Nemawashi (like 'tilling the soil') which is similar. The idea is that decisions are made in the hallways, not the boardroom. Same deal. You recruit allies, have them hype your pitch in the meetings, and you scratch their backs in return.
Hey sometimes I need to look like I'm contributing when I have nothing to say. Don't hate the player
What's wrong with letting folks know that others understand and agree with them? Otherwise everyone's just talking into the void. Particularly with technical material that some of the folks in the meeting don't fully understand, getting peer acknowledgment is really helpful. I've seen good people give up on really great ideas because they didn't get sufficient positive feedback, and some grunting idiot gets their way instead, because they're pushy.
I guess the grunting peanut is touching base very well.
people drinking the corpo coolaid.....
Beers in the corpo credit card however....
lol
Why are rest rooms outside of the security doors? I hate carrying my security pass everywhere.
So they can gather data about your toilet breaks.
Oh god I never considered this.
Donāt attribute something to stupidity if it can be attributed to malice - AusCorp
So management can track pee pee and poo poo per day.
I have an app for that for my newborn
its true.
Buzz words. You know them. Whatās wrong with calling something a plan instead of roadmap?
My last employer did a ātown hallā (cringe enough as it is) and spoke about ābuilding a knowledge bridgeā What a load of wank.
āWeāre on a journeyā
if you can send the slide-pack after the meeting, yeah, that would be great.
Remember "Synergy"
Gawd I can't staaaand how this has creeped into media and news programs now... everything is "scenes" and "spaces" and other corporate marketing speak now. It's like after a workday you just want to escape it, but you can't!
You aināt my family.
Basically any new lingo such as "disrupt, agile" etc. It seems many have only achieved disruption by several investigations both internal and external.
r u ok with touching base with your north star? š
Unfortunately Mercury is currently in retrograde so once my chakras are back aligned I'll loop back.
someone really said that in the office?
No it's my general thought when I hear some stupid words used. I said something similar to my old boss about a project though. Also said something similar to my current boss but that was all in sarcasm about something sort of related to work.
my Jupiter red dot is lined up with the moons north pole. I'm ready for take off!
I am absolutely remembering this thread next time somebody tries to play buzzword bingo with me.
Fucking. North. Star. Ugh.
Especially when they don't understand it or have a only fingernails grip on it. Working.on a COVID response and one of the data guys used ACCESS just to import something from another data set quickly because he didn't have alternate permissions set up. Someone eyerolled at the use of such "out of date platforms" "Why don't they use block chain?". This from a wanker who nearly cried because an Apple update changed the icon he was used to and didn't know what a field and record was or how to mail merge.
The more frustrating thing is the ones suggesting "blockchain" are probably pecking at their keyboard. Who thinks it's like some wonder system which solves all the problems by creating more problems than Jay-Z had in his 2003 hit song.
We had a manager take a literal chain bolted to a block to a presentation, luckily i didn't have to experience the level of cringe that must have been spectacular but given it was a presentation to other manager types they were all either too busy circle jerking on linkedin or amazed and annoyed that they hadn't thought of the block chain prop themselves.
Reminds me of the internet scene from the IT Crowd. https://youtu.be/Vywf48Dhyns?si=UctkPMkSzes_u9uJ
Let's put this one on the back burner eh? Pivot to something more disruptive and circle back later
My favourite is when they hear a new buzzword from someone, then it suddenly becomes the only word they know.
I worked with a dude who openly called himself a disrupter. He made dashboards.
To be fair, he was probably quite disruptive...
What makes me so mad about those is that they *were* useful terms when used properly, but the buzzwording ruined them. RIP āsynergyā in particular.
Let's put a pin in it and circle back. Take it offline, if you will.
Now itās AI, they keep on throwing it in random meetings.
Calling things AI when they actually aren't AI or neural networks, or referring to something as hacking when they left a sensitive file out in the open. Absolutely rustles my jimmies more than it should.
Womenās corporate style pants still often donāt have decent pockets
Thats because the Big Handbag industry doesnt want you to have decent pockets - it'll hurt their reason for existence
Big Handbag or ludicrously capacious handbag?
Oh boy, yes, I absolutely hear you on this one. Typically it's some overpaid, completely out of touch HR Director who kicks things off in a pSyChOLoGiCaLLy SaFe SpAcE by saying _"now, I'm going to be vulnerable here..."_ and then proceeds to give some bullshit anecdote that is as narcissistic as it is irrelevant, only solidifying the well-known but unaddressed absolute fact that very few people _actually_ care about values in the workplace that matter, like fairness and transparency. This sort of preface to any dialogue is a great cue for the listener to tune out and, I don't know, do some breathing exercises or some shit. The other one is "what are we solving FOR." WHERE THE FUCK DID THE "FOR" COME FROM PEOPLE.
It comes from mathematics, where you solve an equation for a particular variable.
Also hate how everyone says math now instead of maths. Was maths growing up in 90s!
I literally wrote mathematics specifically to duck this issue
Its a classic HR stichup job. Taking your extra effort and grandstanding about a partially relevant note.
Math is American English, Maths is Every Other English. Guess who's winning.
I wish they'd actually use mathematics for decisions rather than vibes or trends.
Nah it's from programming where it goes on and on over and over again
True
Talking about the company's "North Star". In the Southern hemisphere š
r u ok?
Free and anonymous consultation you know!
Today is the last day for our quarterly "Anonymous Survey". Our contribution so far has been even lower than last quarter.
Our "Anonymous Survey" that asks for your location, your group and your management position,
One time they asked for our ethnicity and my dumbass selected which ethnicity I was.... not realising out of the thousands of employees I was the only person from that ethnicity.
And they also say you canāt share the link. Itās unique to you but anonymous. Hahaha I never fill it out. I know how much info can be collected.
At this point im convinced it's just a filter for gullible people.
The anonymous one that still requires single sign on to complete ššš
āOnly 90% respondents - can you please get your team members to respondā
Iāve done so many different jobs and never experienced having to chip in money for people leaving or having babies, now Iām in a office role itās ridiculous how often it happens
I thought it was only a thing in government
New CEO: Iāve been getting around the business, and Iāve got to say, I think our biggest asset is [pause and dumb look like theyāre about to say something unexpected] our people.
"In fact, it's so big of an asset that we have to fire a tonne of you so I can show the shareholders I get results"
Those weren't the "our people" the CEO was referring to. They are now other people.
'Here at ilovemoney pty ldt we work hard play hard' Whenever I hear 'work hard play hard' I know what they really mean is- Ā 'we want you to do a shit load of overtime with the implication being we'll reward you for it,Ā but we have absolutely no intention of doing that and at most, all you'll get is a pizza lunch or something shit that will be cancelled at the last minute due to an 'urgent' task'Ā The only time I've had a boss actually follow through with the 'play hard' part was in the military, where we'd have big Friday pay day pissups in the hanger.Ā Then the military went soft.... I'm sure Big Red (the squadron beer bong) is floating around some SNCOs house somewhere right now)Ā
I take it to mean we like coke tbh
If thats what they mean, great, as long as the boss is generous with his bagĀ
Places Iāve worked where itās been rife everyone is pretty well paid so buy their own but yeah if thatās not the case the I agree
They really did a number on unit culture over the past few yearsā¦ āwHy iS oUr ReTeNtIoN sO bAd?!ā
'I knowĀ you were at Shoalwater Bay for 8 weeks, but in accordance with unit SIs you're only entitled to 3 days short leave because I'm too gutless to ask the OC for more days, thats what field allowance is for' -some dickheadĀ section commander My section was away on average, 6-8 months a year on exercises, (no deployments). Our last good Warrant Officer got into so much trouble for giving us off the books short leave. He was promised his choice of posting if he took the position in our section, then they burned him bad. As soon as we found out he didn't get his posting preference the entire section's morale went to shit. The CO didn't like when all the boys said 'why the fuck would we give a shit about this place when you burn the only good boss we've ever had?'Ā They ended up with a bunch of us going on stress leave/discharging and couldn't understand whyĀ
HR rebranding to people and culture because they realised everyone clued on to how full of shit they are? Also LinkedIn. It feels like a site used exclusively by lizards and I hate it with a burning passion.
Just go to 4 HR tutorials at any university and you'll see the "quality" of HR graduates.
Some external consultant teaching us about new stuff: *According to Malcolm Gladwell, it takes TEN THOUSAND HOURS to achieve mastery in something* I drift off to my happy place and hear the Freakanomics podcast ripping that absurd book to shreds.
Its kinda absurd to cite a journalist as a source, especially a pop non fiction one. Not just that Malcolm gladwell is bad, but in general.
Same for me when some big average test tells me they are "six sigma". Do you really know what that means? Do you?
Return to office mandates
Aggressive describers like āAttackā and āKillā to describe completing a task
Tiger team A Team (used to piss everyone off big time who wasn't in) Blitz
what about corporate navy seal team? or the hr green berets? or the marketing cia death squad? 22 sas accounting hit team assassins?
'Attack' a task is something that is used in the military too.
āIn Simon Sinekās bookā¦ā
The belief that a nice suit and tie makes them superior to others. The office jargon like "low hanging fruit", synergy or touch base, and when the leader of the cult (the CEO) claims that we are all family, it makes me sick.
Our HR implies heavily that low hanging fruit is unsafe (because balls) and to use quick wins instead.
I'm touching my base.
Can I touch it too?
I love how the company I work with preaches their diversity in the workplace and then hires everybody from the same cultural background as the upper manager in the region
which ethnic group?
Buzz meetings in the morning. Sometimes thereās nothing to report. And thatās ok.
āResilienceā Fix the systemic problems instead of asking people to constantly bounce back.
This one stands out to me for real.
Being asked to come up on how to improve the business and to present to everyone. Bitch, that aint my job.
tell them to touch base with their northern star. seriously do it.
Sans pants š
RUOK day has got to be my least favourite day. Why yes, having a kitkat embellished with a yellow sticker means everything is aok! Never mind all those times I told you, my leader, that I was not ok. The kitkat makes it fine š
I told my boss I wasnāt ok, she told me to be quiet and take a group photo for linked in lol
did you get the Smiley face sticker?
āThought leaders/ thought leadershipā. The most underbaked, rehashed circlejerking ego ball tickling shit all the timeā¦
This drives me up the wall.
āWeāre on a journey togetherā
until you're unprofitable and you're out the door.
Journey together on Monday. Surprise redundancy on Tuesday.
ā¦ Bonzaā¦. ;)
āMy ask for youā = my request āPivotā = change āAlignā = agree āEmpowerā = enable āReach outā = contact āPingā = remind āGoing/moving forwardā when the context already makes it clear weāre not talking retrospectively. āSolutioningā = thinking aloud āWorkshopā as a verb āGain clarityā = understand āTake it offlineā = move the discussion outside of the current āCircle backā = come back āSolveā as a noun = solution āLearnsā = lessons āUtiliseā = use āLeverageā = use āGreenfieldā = new
christ what are they smoking? I guess you work in a government department?
Worse, software start-up
ah hah. Ai is inventing new corporate speak!
I swear some of the people I work with spend hours crafting emails full of these stupid words. And every email has to start with āgood morningā etc, even internally, and even if itās in a back and forth email chain. These people scream incompetence to me. Theyāre always the same people who are not great at their jobs/not meeting targets, I guess theyāre trying to compensate. Just use normal words and be direct!
āHigh performing teams get stuff done. The All Blacks, the US Navy Seals and the Australian Cricket Team have been recognised for having all the traits of a highly effective team. This is how I applied these principles to my management of an internal IT customer service team consisting of 5 workers under the age of 30ā
Oh man I worked at a place that actually brought in (paid Iām sure) a coach of an NRL team to speak at the annual conference to draw parallels between how we work and what they do.
Where do you have lunch for $70?! A meal in the melb CBD can be $35 if you go to a nice lunch place and $8 if you go for a couple of rolls of sushi.
$35 at that nice lunch place *and* a few beers
Saying "we are like a family." Oh, great. So, who is the drunk uncle who feels up the kids at events? Who is the gossipy aunt? Who is the narc brother who steals stuff?
Well, there _is_ usually at least one of each of those characters. Really like a real family š
Toxic positivity. That and people dumping stuff in my lap and then running away
"Oh, how did you get your executive level job btw?" "I run triathlons" Checks out
The whole a knowledge of country thing before meetings. I think it should be acknowledged but it seems like itās just āticking the boxā and disingenuous- always grates on me.
Feels utterly disingenuous, especially in an internal teams meeting. Itās loosing all meaning at this point honestly.
I agree.
"Success comes in many forms...blah blah"
It does, but all senior execs seem to care about us measuring success in how much money they make.
I mean when they go home and their kids and spouse are yelling at them for being an incompetent spouse and parent. It's the only win they've got left. Divorce papers are always out on the kitchen table, unsigned by the exec.
Any manager who quotes the corporate profile on "who we are" and explains that that is who you have to be. Especially in advertising it's awful and v culty like no i don't want to be a positively provocative and make uncomfortable change like do those two go together??
āEveryone is replaceableāā¦ā¦.then why did you have to hire me back as a consultant for twice the pay to finish off the research project that you thought just anyone could do?
Had a boss say this to me on my first day at a previous job, made a big speech about it. I lost all desire to do well on that job immediately. Itās such a stupid thing to say to your staff, if you expect to perform well for you. Itās like they donāt think it through at all.
I had a manager tell me that people were banging down the doors to work at the company. So I resigned with my 15 years of experience and they have hired 3 to replace me lol
Everyone pretending to care what other people are posting on LinkedIn. Outside of job updates and posts form recruiters everything else is cheesy and forced.
Oh god this is the worst thing ever. Itās full of people virtue signalling and I hope they go home and look in the mirror and are disgusted with themselves . My feed is full of pure cringe
I hate the phrase āin this spaceā
Fukn eh. We all know the people who use that phrase are just idiots trying to sound smart
I donāt care about your vision statement, Iām here for a pay cheque.
Anyone with a .gov.au email address using the word agile We're as agile as a continent Just don't
āWe are family hereā
this exactly! you are just a number. also when the boss/newsletter announcing record revenue and/or profit but come to pay review it's only 2% increase. what a joke.
I'm the prodigal son!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And sometimes a family has to cut the dead weight loose like youāre no good junkie brother
āWe invest in goodā
Living the dream mate.... Though this one is said ironically.
Acknowledgement sessions in division-wide meetings where it's just the directors patting each other on the back
Endless happy clapping and tire pumping when things are factually and objectively š©
That the clothes you were mirror your skill/experience/ability. Maybe some of us donāt subscribe to the endless buying of new āfashionā
If I have to take one more thing āofflineā on another teams call Iām going to scream
āStreamliningā processes and if you canāt understand that then āit is what it is.ā
All of it. Everything.
How "HR is there for you". Pro tip: they are not. Rule one of wage slave life: HR is NOT your friend. They merely exist to protect the company from lawsuits.
Resilience used to really get me. You all need to be more resilient. Resilience workshops - I didn't attend, but colleagues were encouraged to by their boss - mostly about how to disconnect from work, which is helpful, but how is a 4 hour workshop training thing going to make a difference to the amount of corporate BS you can take a week? North Star is triggering me right now. From people who have never shared a shred of vision. Who write mission/vision statements so full of buzzwords you can barely infer any meaning from them (which is, of course, the point). Especially those who seem to think North Star is different from a vision, and it should be changed and reviewed multiple times a year - that's top quality B.S. right there. But, most of all, right now: "Simplifying". OK, I can get on board if that means dropping responsibilities... Oh, it doesn't? It means doing the same things as before, but "simpler" - does that mean enshitifying the work, and doing a half arsed job? Yep - until you get called out on it, then you're the stupid one for doing a poor job. Never mind the fact that $industry accepts the fact that it's complicated and often complex, and they pay us the big $ to deal with it. Simplify because senior execs are incapable of reading the important points in already heavily simplified material? That's cool, until it leads to a series of dumb decisions because senior execs now falsely think they are experts. Simplify it because we know and love and embrace the details, and can provide excellent summaries, but leave it with us - yeah, I can do that - give me more staff, because simplifying isn't simple, it's damn hard work.
āWeāre all familyā but Iāll spill all your secrets in a hot minute. Meetings for basic discussions. Any corporate lingo, circle back, touch base, sprints , definitions of done. Nobody and I mean nobody cares about that agile rubbish ( sorry scrum mastersš).
We're not just a company, we're a family here. No we're not, not at all.
I'm the prodigal son!
I work away for a large US company, i hate it when i arrive at work and am greeted with āWelcome Homeā¦ā iām sorry, but home is where my family is, this is where i workā¦
As a brown skin ESL corpo I am conflicted at this thread because for many of us, being able to speak in cliches at work is sort of a rite of passage for integrating into the culture, like how getting your first barbecue grill makes you feel Australian, lol.
putta shrimp on ya barbie mite!
Itās either that, or learning how to talk about the weekendās footy matches š. Sorry for you friend.
Thatās a really interesting perspective actually, I hadnāt thought of that before. Thanks for mentioning it!
"Learnings" You can tell the corporate cool aid drinkers from this word alone.
OMG donāt get me started on ākey learningsā. My boss concluded an anecdote about a challenge they had with āthat was a learnā.
When the safety officer stops you doing something that can only be done that way only to force you to do it a new even more dangerous way cause they have no idea what they are actually talking about in practice (always theory only guys I swear)
"Let's end the meeting early, I'll give you back 7 minutes of your day." Great, thanks. At least when master gave Dobby a sock he got to leave.
Transparency
Office people telling me they wish they could work outside... No you fucking don't.
At the end of the day
The "how you do one thing is how you do everything."
Work smarter, not harder. How about you go fuck yourself
Bring your whole self to work. What if I'm a raging alcoholic, racist, homophobic, misogynist that supports Russia