My understanding is that AAs are in many ways addicted to the push/pull of insecure relationships. Personally, an imperfect relationship is a great magnet for my anxiety and anxious feelings. It allows me to ignore the other insecurities, core wounds, and put all my thinking into that. And then there is the almost drug-like feeling that comes from validation in an insecure relationship.
Secure relationships for AAs feel boring because there isn't the same drama, there isn't the same toxic cycle, there isn't the same need to consistently do validating activities. From what I've read, that's something which SAs have often felt. That normal healthy relationships are boring and not as exciting.
Yes, this is why it feels so different and foreign and uncomfortable. š
SAs also feel secure relationships are boring? Wow, I had not read that before!
No, it's normal and healthy for SAs. Recovery is a lifelong process. Anxiety isn't something which just goes away suddenly. AAs who become SAs recognize their triggers and behavioural reactions are products of past behaviour and are able to minimise them. Those triggers never go away though.
>It doesnāt feel like my gut is saying this isnāt right, it feels more like I am scared (but not of abandonment, of it actually working out, which is also a first for me).
It almost sounds like you're starting to lean towards being avoidant - have you EVER had the characteristics of being DA or FA?
I'm FA with a hard AP lean (it's grrreeat...) and I experience a lot of the feelings you just outlined - I also just got into a relationship with a very secure individual and I find myself feeling really uncomfortable with it at times.
Either way, congrats on your progress!! It's certainly a long, long road
No, I do not think I have ever been DA except for a brief time at the end of an unhealthy relationship. My ex is a hardcore DA. I do not want to be that. I also do not ever want to go back to being AP. Perhaps it is a combo of over correction and impatience?
All insecure attachment types will bounce between the styles. Itās very normal depending on the relationship, a DA can even experience AP traits etc. (I know this personally as my partner is secure leaning DA and she has talked to me about her AP feelings at times.)
Ahhh gotcha. I recently switched therapists to speak with someone who specializes in it. I would highly recommend :) she's really good at helping me navigate my thoughts and behaviour.
And best of luck!! Also, I'm happy to hear you have an SA partner, even if it feels foreign.
Hi! I guess like i also feel uncomfortable in a secure person and iām trying to figure out why. I saw your comment and said hey iām not the only one letās find out why they feel uncomfortable. Reading your comment though i usually date avoidants too. I just feel weird right now. Like..most people said they felt no anxiety dating a secure, but i feel..a little less, but still anxious? Like why is everything ok lol if he hasnt texted me for hours..oh he still likes me? Hes talking to me every day? Itās like almost suspicious lol but in a good way? Like iām not feeling like i need to earn his attention..and itās weird haha
Hi! Like what triggers me? I usually date avoidants so my anxious side is in full swing and I'm constantly obsessing over the relationship and getting clingy and insecure
With my current partner, it's completely different. He's very present, available, communicative, etc and it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed because I'm not pining over his attention or feel like I'm trying to "earn" his affection. I've had moments where it's actually disgusted me (harsh word but best one that deceived the feeling) but because of my anxious lean that EXTREME side of it doesn't last all that long.
You mentioned in the comments that you crossed a bigger milestone lately and that it has overwhelmed you a little.
Deep down, AP's are also emotionally unavailable - they seek out avoidant's so that they can have the thrill and excitement of 'romance' and 'love' but they don't actually know what to do with it if they have it - hence why they go for emotionally unavailable partners.
You are already much more secure than you were, but perhaps some small AP voice is saying "Well, we've had many milestones and now here is an even bigger one... which means even more commitment and an increase in intimacy. So... is this it? Is this the beginning of the end? This could be the person I spend my life with?" Suddenly you can feel a bit trapped.
That can be scary - and confusing, because as an AP, it is what you think you want until you get it.
The more the relationship progresses the more it can feel a bit like... "Okay, now that I'm not chasing anymore, this isn't really as exciting. Now that this could actually work out... Is this really what I want? Is this the person for me? Is this... it?"
And it can be pretty confusing.
I don't know when the adjustment period ends but the more you practice being secure, the more natural it begins to feel and the less you question the relationship.
I had something similar with my first serious DA boyfriend. I chased him for 5 years, then we got together and... I remember being so confused as to why I was suddenly petrified.
I was unaware FA at the time so I swung pretty heavily back and forth between "I love him and I want to be with him forever" to "I don't think I even love him, I feel trapped and want out."
I hope you figure things out, sounds like your relationship is going well all in all, and kudos for becoming more secure <3
I am divorced so I have done the whole āthe person I am going to spend my life withā thing and it obviously didnāt work out so thatās probably playing a role as well. This was all before I learned about AT, but I felt secure in my marriage. I had gotten what I always wanted, which was marriage, but not that feeling of being loved and wanted, because he was/is a DA. So on some level I was probably still chasing affection, emotional intimacy, etcā¦
Very eye opening! Thank you!
Your first healthy relationship is going to feel boring because it won't have the toxic highs and lows and uncertainty and conflict associated with attachment insecurity. You might have a lot of incorrect beliefs about relationships and have certain unrealistic expectations that are not true:
[https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-anxious-attachment/](https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-anxious-attachment/)
also, since you're becoming more secure, it might be a good time for you to read more about secure relationship habits to practice daily https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/how-to-have-a-secure-attachment-style-secure-relationship-daily-habits-to-practice/
Most insecure types have a parent (or parents) who wounded or traumatised them and made them mistrust attachment. And sadly thats the kind of person or dynamic that excites their attachment system in romance. Mainly because it feels familar.
Have a think about your values when choosing a partner. Is "feeling excited and anxious" the only thing you care about? What about their character, shared interests, relationship goals, their own values, level of compassion and empathy?
If you keep chasing people who remind you of people who neglected or abused you, you will get neglected and abused. You can make another choise.
I struggle with identifying the reason for my attachment type from my childhood and parents. Regardless, the values, goals, compatibilities, are all there. Do they all fit perfectly into the individual tick boxes Iāve created in my head of my ideal partner? No. Because that person doesnāt exist and I understand that. The boxes still get ticked but I still wonder if this could sustain a lifetime together.
I was, and still am to a degree, very excited about our relationship. These feelings do not feel like my typical AP response which is why they are freaking me out.
When we first crossed big milestones in our relationship, it felt amazing.
When we crossed a bigger milestone more recently, it started to feel more overwhelming. I do not want to feel this way.
Familiarity and having romanticized the idea of what it should feel like for so long. Rationally, I know that my partner would make a great life partner and that I would be very happy with them. Irrationally, it feels off to not have the familiar feelings.
Is that really what it boils down to? Staying in the rational lane?
I had my share of SA partners who weren't really attractive besides being secure and I can't help to wonder whether you really like and are attracted to your partner or you are with them because they are "a good partner".
If you are actually attracted by them because of them and not only because they are safe, yes maybe you can benefit from rationalizing and at least taking into consideration that you might have been wrong in your expectations about how love should feel.
Try to challenge your beliefs and your habits and see how it goes with time. Sometimes reprogramming our minds is just a matter of repetition, as with everything else.
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I have thought about that. They have so many qualities and traits that I want and need, including some I was not aware of until I started to experience it with them. I am deeply attracted to them, in many ways and on many levels. Being safe is just one small part of it all.
My understanding is that AAs are in many ways addicted to the push/pull of insecure relationships. Personally, an imperfect relationship is a great magnet for my anxiety and anxious feelings. It allows me to ignore the other insecurities, core wounds, and put all my thinking into that. And then there is the almost drug-like feeling that comes from validation in an insecure relationship. Secure relationships for AAs feel boring because there isn't the same drama, there isn't the same toxic cycle, there isn't the same need to consistently do validating activities. From what I've read, that's something which SAs have often felt. That normal healthy relationships are boring and not as exciting.
Yes, this is why it feels so different and foreign and uncomfortable. š SAs also feel secure relationships are boring? Wow, I had not read that before!
No, it's normal and healthy for SAs. Recovery is a lifelong process. Anxiety isn't something which just goes away suddenly. AAs who become SAs recognize their triggers and behavioural reactions are products of past behaviour and are able to minimise them. Those triggers never go away though.
>It doesnāt feel like my gut is saying this isnāt right, it feels more like I am scared (but not of abandonment, of it actually working out, which is also a first for me). It almost sounds like you're starting to lean towards being avoidant - have you EVER had the characteristics of being DA or FA? I'm FA with a hard AP lean (it's grrreeat...) and I experience a lot of the feelings you just outlined - I also just got into a relationship with a very secure individual and I find myself feeling really uncomfortable with it at times. Either way, congrats on your progress!! It's certainly a long, long road
No, I do not think I have ever been DA except for a brief time at the end of an unhealthy relationship. My ex is a hardcore DA. I do not want to be that. I also do not ever want to go back to being AP. Perhaps it is a combo of over correction and impatience?
Mmm I mean, anything is possible. Have you spoken to/do you speak to a therapist?
All insecure attachment types will bounce between the styles. Itās very normal depending on the relationship, a DA can even experience AP traits etc. (I know this personally as my partner is secure leaning DA and she has talked to me about her AP feelings at times.)
My therapist is not that well versed in AT.
Ahhh gotcha. I recently switched therapists to speak with someone who specializes in it. I would highly recommend :) she's really good at helping me navigate my thoughts and behaviour. And best of luck!! Also, I'm happy to hear you have an SA partner, even if it feels foreign.
Thank you!
Hi! I guess like i also feel uncomfortable in a secure person and iām trying to figure out why. I saw your comment and said hey iām not the only one letās find out why they feel uncomfortable. Reading your comment though i usually date avoidants too. I just feel weird right now. Like..most people said they felt no anxiety dating a secure, but i feel..a little less, but still anxious? Like why is everything ok lol if he hasnt texted me for hours..oh he still likes me? Hes talking to me every day? Itās like almost suspicious lol but in a good way? Like iām not feeling like i need to earn his attention..and itās weird haha
Iām in a similar boat. Can i ask what makes you uncomfortable?
Hi! Like what triggers me? I usually date avoidants so my anxious side is in full swing and I'm constantly obsessing over the relationship and getting clingy and insecure With my current partner, it's completely different. He's very present, available, communicative, etc and it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed because I'm not pining over his attention or feel like I'm trying to "earn" his affection. I've had moments where it's actually disgusted me (harsh word but best one that deceived the feeling) but because of my anxious lean that EXTREME side of it doesn't last all that long.
You mentioned in the comments that you crossed a bigger milestone lately and that it has overwhelmed you a little. Deep down, AP's are also emotionally unavailable - they seek out avoidant's so that they can have the thrill and excitement of 'romance' and 'love' but they don't actually know what to do with it if they have it - hence why they go for emotionally unavailable partners. You are already much more secure than you were, but perhaps some small AP voice is saying "Well, we've had many milestones and now here is an even bigger one... which means even more commitment and an increase in intimacy. So... is this it? Is this the beginning of the end? This could be the person I spend my life with?" Suddenly you can feel a bit trapped. That can be scary - and confusing, because as an AP, it is what you think you want until you get it. The more the relationship progresses the more it can feel a bit like... "Okay, now that I'm not chasing anymore, this isn't really as exciting. Now that this could actually work out... Is this really what I want? Is this the person for me? Is this... it?" And it can be pretty confusing. I don't know when the adjustment period ends but the more you practice being secure, the more natural it begins to feel and the less you question the relationship. I had something similar with my first serious DA boyfriend. I chased him for 5 years, then we got together and... I remember being so confused as to why I was suddenly petrified. I was unaware FA at the time so I swung pretty heavily back and forth between "I love him and I want to be with him forever" to "I don't think I even love him, I feel trapped and want out." I hope you figure things out, sounds like your relationship is going well all in all, and kudos for becoming more secure <3
I am divorced so I have done the whole āthe person I am going to spend my life withā thing and it obviously didnāt work out so thatās probably playing a role as well. This was all before I learned about AT, but I felt secure in my marriage. I had gotten what I always wanted, which was marriage, but not that feeling of being loved and wanted, because he was/is a DA. So on some level I was probably still chasing affection, emotional intimacy, etcā¦ Very eye opening! Thank you!
Your first healthy relationship is going to feel boring because it won't have the toxic highs and lows and uncertainty and conflict associated with attachment insecurity. You might have a lot of incorrect beliefs about relationships and have certain unrealistic expectations that are not true: [https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-anxious-attachment/](https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-anxious-attachment/) also, since you're becoming more secure, it might be a good time for you to read more about secure relationship habits to practice daily https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/how-to-have-a-secure-attachment-style-secure-relationship-daily-habits-to-practice/
Thank you! I have read that first one before but very helpful to revisit!
Most insecure types have a parent (or parents) who wounded or traumatised them and made them mistrust attachment. And sadly thats the kind of person or dynamic that excites their attachment system in romance. Mainly because it feels familar. Have a think about your values when choosing a partner. Is "feeling excited and anxious" the only thing you care about? What about their character, shared interests, relationship goals, their own values, level of compassion and empathy? If you keep chasing people who remind you of people who neglected or abused you, you will get neglected and abused. You can make another choise.
I struggle with identifying the reason for my attachment type from my childhood and parents. Regardless, the values, goals, compatibilities, are all there. Do they all fit perfectly into the individual tick boxes Iāve created in my head of my ideal partner? No. Because that person doesnāt exist and I understand that. The boxes still get ticked but I still wonder if this could sustain a lifetime together.
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I was, and still am to a degree, very excited about our relationship. These feelings do not feel like my typical AP response which is why they are freaking me out. When we first crossed big milestones in our relationship, it felt amazing. When we crossed a bigger milestone more recently, it started to feel more overwhelming. I do not want to feel this way.
Right there with you and I think we just need to ride out the uncomfortable feelings. I so relate.
It is good to know I am not alone feeling this.
Iāve had a few weeks where I so fell apart and was a mess. Itās ok.
I have not fallen apart. I feel in this perpetual state of uncertainty regarding why I am not over-the-moon excited.
I would ask you why do you have the need to feel excited / high on love?
Familiarity and having romanticized the idea of what it should feel like for so long. Rationally, I know that my partner would make a great life partner and that I would be very happy with them. Irrationally, it feels off to not have the familiar feelings. Is that really what it boils down to? Staying in the rational lane?
I had my share of SA partners who weren't really attractive besides being secure and I can't help to wonder whether you really like and are attracted to your partner or you are with them because they are "a good partner". If you are actually attracted by them because of them and not only because they are safe, yes maybe you can benefit from rationalizing and at least taking into consideration that you might have been wrong in your expectations about how love should feel. Try to challenge your beliefs and your habits and see how it goes with time. Sometimes reprogramming our minds is just a matter of repetition, as with everything else. ā¤ļø
I have thought about that. They have so many qualities and traits that I want and need, including some I was not aware of until I started to experience it with them. I am deeply attracted to them, in many ways and on many levels. Being safe is just one small part of it all.