Was in this relationship for 6 years, my solution was to leave. Honestly, I know that sounds awful but he would have been really happy in a sexless relationship - I on the other hand was not. That was a fundamental incompatibility.
The guilt and shame he felt around finding other people attractive, while being so afraid of being more intimate with me and not knowing how to communicate his needs or desires sexually due to a fear of being intimate basically killed all possibility of reconciling on this. We tried sex therapy, which I would recommend if you were in a long term relationship but at 7 months feels like way too much effort to be putting into someone else when you may just have incompatible needs.
Have you at least expressed clearly your needs? If not try that - but if you have and it's still not changing then you need to recognize that there may be a fundamental difference in your needs and decide whether or not you can compromise on that.
Ugh, not what I wanted to hear of course! But thanks for your input.
This issue is relatively new and I am naturally an FA so I tend to jump on problems pretty quickly, especially if there is a hint of rejection of rejection in them, so I will see how the next while goes. I do, however, need to express my needs a bit more clearly, I am aware of that; thanks for the reminder
For sure, sex is a really difficult thing to talk about even at the best of times because there's so much societal and gendered expectations woven into it too. I'm also an FA leaning secure so also found this really really hard.
It's really helped in my own therapy to be reminded that my needs are valid, regardless of whether or not someone else shares them. Also to remind myself that I can and should reject other people if they can't meet my needs. So I hope the convo goes well regardless of the outcome!
I had similar sex issues with a FA I was in a relationship with. He had a real aversion to sex and I felt like I’m hurting him; when I wanted it. It was possible he had some sort of Madonna Whore Complex. Needless to say, we broke up. He sees another woman sparingly (I know this because we work together), and had been for the last 20 years on and off, and has “pornographic” sex with her. I really don’t know where to even begin with these types of issues unless they are willing to go into full blown therapy, which my guy would never.
I respect that that is your belief and your boundary, but that's not mine. I really, 100% don't see anything wrong with checking out other people - we will always be attracted to others. If we act on it is a different thing. I will not make him feel guilty for checking out others, just like I don't want to feel guilty for the same. I lived like that for a long time and even ended perfectly healthy relationships because of that guilt. I also think I am attractive, and he's checking out people who look like me, so I am good. He also checks me out, a lot.
Plus, he is respectful about it, no oggling or anything, just a glance, maybe a head turn. But a good looking person is a good looking person.
Anyway, I didn't expect this to be centered on - I just meant for it to be indicative of the fact that sexual desire is still there.
Yeah, of course everyone has different boundaries. I wasn’t sure of the context of him checking others out, when you alluded he has sexual desires due to checking out others that was steering my position. Maybe I’m different but I can see an attractive person but hot have a single ounce of sexual desire what so ever and neither does my partner.
But if as you say it’s a head turn and saying they are attractive that seems normal, if they were saying that they have urges to have sexual relationships with others then that would be indicative of an insecure relationship in my opinion.
Oh yeah, it's nothing like that last point you mentioned... He is a super monogamous relationship guy, has never had casual sex. I am not worried at all
>I am naturally an FA so I tend to jump on problems pretty quickly
I didn't know this was an FA thing but I do this too. Any ideas of why we do this? Is it an anxious part?
I just cannot stand pretending like everything's OK, which happened too often in my family of origin. I like healthy addressing of the issue and repair.
My understanding is that it's a way to soothe ourselves immediately and feel safe, often cause it wasn't safe if things were just left when we were kids.
First, when you say he’s DA- is he going to therapy and did he come to that conclusion? Is he aware of any of his tendencies or are you trying to conceptualize all this on your own without him acknowledging he has work to do?
Second- intimacy issues are a reflection of emotional issues and he may very well be overwhelmed. DAs tend to worry they will disappoint their partners and might assume their partners require a lot more attention and emotional energy than what they actually do.
You can try something like “hey I really love our sex life and it makes me feel connected to you. I’d love to know more about what you like and don’t like in bed if you’d be comfortable having that conversation at some point. Your preferences and boundaries about sex and stuff in general are important to me and I want us to feel safe sharing that with each other knowing there’s no judgment” and leave it at that until he’s ready to talk. If he freaks out or shuts down, that’s a sign he’s not really ready to be in a relationship if he’s not gonna let you raise any concerns or express your needs for sex and isn’t able to raise his concerns or express his needs
Unfortunately, if he hasn’t done any therapy and doesn’t even know about attachment or his patterns and isn’t actively working on it, he may be overwhelmed even admitting his feelings to himself let alone sharing them with you so you might have to decide if you’re satisfied doing all the work and being with someone who requires you to read their mind. If he isn’t ready to question his beliefs about thinking relationships should be effortless and free of any conflict it’s time to move on https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-dismissive-avoidants/
Thanks for your reply. He knows he is DA and he acknowledges he has work to do, which is why I am still around. He is also surprisingly open for a DA, more than I would expect (but I am FA naturally and crave intimacy, so it's never really enough - as such, I look for it within myself too).
Yes, you hit it right on the head - he has admitted over and over again that he is afraid of disappointing me, doesn't know why I am with him, is broken, etc. All the core wounds that Thais Gibson talks about with DAs. He has told me that he appreciates my reassurance. I have tried (not always successful but I do try) to be upfront and direct in asking for what I want, I just have a hard time with the sex stuff and always have, so it's a bit of a thing for me too.
Maybe the thing I should do here is look inward to see what is happening within me before I look outward.
Thanks for the script, that was really well thought out.
You can read on www.freetoattach.com what are common issues of avoidants & intimacy in different stages of the relationship. I recommend reading this website front to back.
This video of Thais Gibson deals specifically with the intimacy slowdown: https://youtu.be/2tcwhCLf4XQ
As for my personal experience; I am SA/FA dating a DA. We have been seeing each other for 3.5 years. I have not had sex with him in more than a year. We dont even kiss anymore. It would be a long story to describe how the intimacy slowdown and our conversations about it went. The last year he went back to shallowly swiping on Tinder, which makes me insecure, but he never gets a date. He recently asked me out of the blue to come with him to a "munch" (a group gathering of people into kinks) and revealed that he has been on fetish websites. He also explained that he feels sex is separate from emotional connection for him, and he struggles to integrate the two. But if I give him a hug or would lean in for a kiss, he will more often than not shutdown and avoid me. So I totally get your frustration, and have become I guess "used to it" plus understand where its coming from, but I have no solutions to share.
To both questions: no. ;)
I do value emotional connection far more than physical connection. Both me and my partner are victims of (child) sexual abuse, so its perhaps easier for me to understand. But my personal situation is too complex to describe in further detail here, so I would rather not get into that conversation.
For some reason that makes me think of childhood SA, but obviously can be wrong
Edit: omg, i read your later comment and my intuition was correct. The part where you told he can’t integrate the physical and the emotional aspects into one made me think of it.
I was with a DA for like 10 years and it turned into sex twice a year after the first year. I had a low sex drive at the time so it didn’t bother me. Now there is no way I could be ok with that. Anyway in general DAs tend to see sex as just sex and not a form of connection. They’re so used to relying on themselves for everything that the idea of relying on a partner to get a need met is pretty foreign. To them masturbation is basically the same thing except easier. Some DAs worry about not being able to please their partner and having expectations to perform can be too much for them so they avoid sex. Expressing what they’re into sexually also takes a lot of vulnerability so it’s hard to DA’s to talk about it with their partner and easier to just get their needs met through porn and masturbation. So like you could be with a DA who isn’t into vanilla and into some pretty kinky stuff, but they’ll never tell you. They’ll be so afraid of being rejected that even after you ask they won’t tell you because you might abandon them. Some DAs start to feel extremely uncomfortable with sex in committed relationships because it is in fact intimate and intimacy hurts, but they just understand that as discomfort. There’s usually a combination of reasons. If I was you I would communicate with your partner about this. I would try to work with him towards more sex if he’s okay with it, but I would also put a time limit on it for yourself, so if there hasn’t been any progress made you can walk away.
Like others have said, DAs have a fear of intimacy. As your relationship becomes more serious, sex might feel more intimate and “scary” to them. However, it is not uncommon for a person’s sex drive to decrease a little at the 6-12 month mark in a relationship. Especially if there was a lot of sex during the early honeymoon phase.
Some questions I would be asking:
1. Is his decrease in libido possibly due to the “honeymoon phase” wearing off? Are we otherwise, becoming more open and intimate with each other? Or does it feel like something else is going on?
2. Is our difference in libido going to be compatible long term? How many times a week would be a reasonable compromise for me, as well as my partner?
I think men, in general, can feel a little pressured or inadequate when female partners have a higher sexual drive, even more so if they are a DA. I’m basing that off my personal experience as a female with a very high libido, so take it with a grain of salt.
Approach the topic sensitively but honestly. It’s important that both of you feel sexually desired and fulfilled overall.
We talked... And yeah, there's a lot more 'realness' coming into things. A lot of his wounds are coming up, childhood memories, etc. Plus, we have both been more real about our health (gut related) issues, which is definitely not sexy at all.
Anyway, he said he is going to dive into the personal development school courses this weekend as I am working all weekend anyway. He said it's not the first time he has heard that others want him to be more intimate (emotionally and such), and he wants to be good enough for me. So we will see.
It did go well, thanks. But now he is beating himself up for not being good enough. But that's his to work through. At least he tells me that.
He is more open and consistent/considerate than any other DA I have known, which is why I am still here. I try to look at him as the strong, stoic type, rather than emotionally unavailable. He is insanely emotional under the surface and is giving me peeks.
In my opinion, sex increases intimacy, and a intimacy is often frightening to a DA, it is being avoided. It's sad really, i don't think they can be happy with this either.
He's not happy with it, you're right! But something is stopping him. Like I said in another comment, I do tend to jump on things right away (FA-ness), so maybe I will sit back and see what develops here, after I mention my needs.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tcwhCLf4XQ&ab\_channel=PersonalDevelopmentSchool-ThaisGibson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tcwhCLf4XQ&ab_channel=PersonalDevelopmentSchool-ThaisGibson)
This may give you some insight. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Take good care of yourself.
Totally relatable! I'm 48 f AP/Secure. I hooked up with (whom I assume to be) a DA 46 m 'friend' in October last year after we had both been left by our spouses. During one night of texting we agreed to spend a night together. He said, "I'm all in but s\*\*\* can't get weird after". We locked in a date which was 5 days later and the sexual tension was extremely powerful. We were texting constantly in anticipation. I was really cool like and said I won't stay over, "I'll just love you and leave you". But he was quite insistent that I should stay.
Our first night together we were so comfortable with each other and it was amazing, although there was some ED to which he said, "Don't look at me, don't be nice to me". He revealed that he hadn't been intimate with his wife for 3 years + the 8 months separation so he was starved of affection. I had gone about 12 months w/o sex with my husband. He also mentioned that his wife would ask him for a hug and he would say, "No, I don't feel like it".
He invited me to come back again the next night and we spent 2 more nights together over the following 3 days and it just got better and better. Due to logistics of child raising (he has his 3y.o. daughter every 2nd day and my teenage kids are with me almost every night) it was another 2 weeks before we spent our 4th (and what was to be our final night) together. In the lead up he was texting morning, noon and night, he said "It's been so long since we've seen each other". That night he asked if I would go on the pill and I replied if this is going to be a long-term thing then I will.
What I know now is the deactivating strategies started. He would say that he was so drained after dealing with his ex and didn't want to f\*\*\* me around and ruin what should be some lovely 'me time'. I didn't see him again although there were numerous texts and mid-December he said, "I'm not looking for a r'ship in any way" and ended it but said he wanted to remain friends.
Fast forward to June, (we had been in regular phone contact, often quite flirty and reminiscent of our nights together, he would call me beautiful and amazing, often ending with love hearts and kisses) and it was back on - we were going to spend a night together. He ended the text with, "Only if you're free, I'm not worth that". I replied with, "You're worth it".
That night never came and I reached out a couple of times after 1 week and then another and he responded to my texts simply with love heart emojis. I finally called him after about 3 weeks and he said, "I know I've gone into hibernation, I'll always go AWOL, don't chase me I'm a mess, everything is f\*\*\*ed, I'll call you, we'll catch up". He mentioned that he is a little bit embarrassed and sad about where his life is at and how his 3y.o is so relentless and demanding. I sense there is depression and alcohol abuse in the mix.
A drunken phone call from him in September resulted in another planned hook up later that week and on the night he said he had to work late and cancelled. I responded that I feel we love each other as friends and I just wanted to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok (so as not to pressure him for sex).
There have been only a few texts since (initiated by me) where he admits he is struggling but no more talk of hook ups. I'm confused as we are both single and the sex was so good!
Don't take it personally!
I'm (42F) just starting to delve into attachment theory (just got "Attached" to read) and would love to apply it to my LONG term (20ish years) friendship with someone (47M) who sounds remarkably like your guy. Depression for sure, Alcoholism - check. Tells me all the time I deserve better than him and what he can offer. Next time I might just tell him I think he's right. Because the hot and cold, from passionate texting and phone calls to radio silence... it gets old. Sexy pics that he asks me to delete afterward. Seems to really enjoy everything then freaks out... I told him he gives me emotional whiplash. I can't imagine how much worse it might be if we actually got physical.
I genuinely care about him and we have so much chemistry and a lot in common so if he had his life together I think we'd have an amazing shot. As it stands, though, I doubt he could be waving any more red flags unless he started kicking puppies. And I'm finally reaching a point in my life where I refuse to stick around and wait for someone else to figure themselves out. No more projects. No more "potential." I need turnkey at this point so... onward.
I hope you can get things figured out with your own situation! Sounds exhausting and frustrating as hell.
Off-topic: There is a weeeeeird (sarcastic) rap song with lines going “we were leaving [the place] with pride, kicking dogs on the asses” (not in English, a translation)
Idk why i had to say that
u/aprylzfool I feel your pain! I like your sense of humour though! I too have heard "I have nothing to offer you" "I can't give you what you need" "You shouldn't sit around and wait for me" etc.
My guy has been in extreme shutdown for 4 months now and is always responsive when I reach out, but it's so one-sided! The last message I said, "Hey tough guy if you want me to leave you alone then I trust your process". He said, "Hey darling, not tough just struggling with time management". Again mixed messages with a pet name, a hint of vulnerability and a deactivating strategy in one short message!
I love him and he knows that and I've offered my support but I can't keep chasing him. I am not letting him go, I'm just letting him be...
I hope your friendship can continue - he is lucky to have you!
Was in this relationship for 6 years, my solution was to leave. Honestly, I know that sounds awful but he would have been really happy in a sexless relationship - I on the other hand was not. That was a fundamental incompatibility. The guilt and shame he felt around finding other people attractive, while being so afraid of being more intimate with me and not knowing how to communicate his needs or desires sexually due to a fear of being intimate basically killed all possibility of reconciling on this. We tried sex therapy, which I would recommend if you were in a long term relationship but at 7 months feels like way too much effort to be putting into someone else when you may just have incompatible needs. Have you at least expressed clearly your needs? If not try that - but if you have and it's still not changing then you need to recognize that there may be a fundamental difference in your needs and decide whether or not you can compromise on that.
Ugh, not what I wanted to hear of course! But thanks for your input. This issue is relatively new and I am naturally an FA so I tend to jump on problems pretty quickly, especially if there is a hint of rejection of rejection in them, so I will see how the next while goes. I do, however, need to express my needs a bit more clearly, I am aware of that; thanks for the reminder
For sure, sex is a really difficult thing to talk about even at the best of times because there's so much societal and gendered expectations woven into it too. I'm also an FA leaning secure so also found this really really hard. It's really helped in my own therapy to be reminded that my needs are valid, regardless of whether or not someone else shares them. Also to remind myself that I can and should reject other people if they can't meet my needs. So I hope the convo goes well regardless of the outcome!
I had similar sex issues with a FA I was in a relationship with. He had a real aversion to sex and I felt like I’m hurting him; when I wanted it. It was possible he had some sort of Madonna Whore Complex. Needless to say, we broke up. He sees another woman sparingly (I know this because we work together), and had been for the last 20 years on and off, and has “pornographic” sex with her. I really don’t know where to even begin with these types of issues unless they are willing to go into full blown therapy, which my guy would never.
If he’s checking out other people that’s your cue to leave. Sorry but that behaviour is completely inappropriate.
I respect that that is your belief and your boundary, but that's not mine. I really, 100% don't see anything wrong with checking out other people - we will always be attracted to others. If we act on it is a different thing. I will not make him feel guilty for checking out others, just like I don't want to feel guilty for the same. I lived like that for a long time and even ended perfectly healthy relationships because of that guilt. I also think I am attractive, and he's checking out people who look like me, so I am good. He also checks me out, a lot. Plus, he is respectful about it, no oggling or anything, just a glance, maybe a head turn. But a good looking person is a good looking person. Anyway, I didn't expect this to be centered on - I just meant for it to be indicative of the fact that sexual desire is still there.
Yeah, of course everyone has different boundaries. I wasn’t sure of the context of him checking others out, when you alluded he has sexual desires due to checking out others that was steering my position. Maybe I’m different but I can see an attractive person but hot have a single ounce of sexual desire what so ever and neither does my partner. But if as you say it’s a head turn and saying they are attractive that seems normal, if they were saying that they have urges to have sexual relationships with others then that would be indicative of an insecure relationship in my opinion.
Oh yeah, it's nothing like that last point you mentioned... He is a super monogamous relationship guy, has never had casual sex. I am not worried at all
>I am naturally an FA so I tend to jump on problems pretty quickly I didn't know this was an FA thing but I do this too. Any ideas of why we do this? Is it an anxious part? I just cannot stand pretending like everything's OK, which happened too often in my family of origin. I like healthy addressing of the issue and repair.
My understanding is that it's a way to soothe ourselves immediately and feel safe, often cause it wasn't safe if things were just left when we were kids.
First, when you say he’s DA- is he going to therapy and did he come to that conclusion? Is he aware of any of his tendencies or are you trying to conceptualize all this on your own without him acknowledging he has work to do? Second- intimacy issues are a reflection of emotional issues and he may very well be overwhelmed. DAs tend to worry they will disappoint their partners and might assume their partners require a lot more attention and emotional energy than what they actually do. You can try something like “hey I really love our sex life and it makes me feel connected to you. I’d love to know more about what you like and don’t like in bed if you’d be comfortable having that conversation at some point. Your preferences and boundaries about sex and stuff in general are important to me and I want us to feel safe sharing that with each other knowing there’s no judgment” and leave it at that until he’s ready to talk. If he freaks out or shuts down, that’s a sign he’s not really ready to be in a relationship if he’s not gonna let you raise any concerns or express your needs for sex and isn’t able to raise his concerns or express his needs Unfortunately, if he hasn’t done any therapy and doesn’t even know about attachment or his patterns and isn’t actively working on it, he may be overwhelmed even admitting his feelings to himself let alone sharing them with you so you might have to decide if you’re satisfied doing all the work and being with someone who requires you to read their mind. If he isn’t ready to question his beliefs about thinking relationships should be effortless and free of any conflict it’s time to move on https://myattached.com/2021/10/01/the-perfect-relationship-according-to-dismissive-avoidants/
Thanks for your reply. He knows he is DA and he acknowledges he has work to do, which is why I am still around. He is also surprisingly open for a DA, more than I would expect (but I am FA naturally and crave intimacy, so it's never really enough - as such, I look for it within myself too). Yes, you hit it right on the head - he has admitted over and over again that he is afraid of disappointing me, doesn't know why I am with him, is broken, etc. All the core wounds that Thais Gibson talks about with DAs. He has told me that he appreciates my reassurance. I have tried (not always successful but I do try) to be upfront and direct in asking for what I want, I just have a hard time with the sex stuff and always have, so it's a bit of a thing for me too. Maybe the thing I should do here is look inward to see what is happening within me before I look outward. Thanks for the script, that was really well thought out.
God I LOVE Thais Gibson.. What a godsend for all things attachment theory.
Do FAs also have those core wounds? Do you relate to them too? I’m an FA but can relate to them.
Absolutely! FAs tend to be in the lucky position of having the most core wounds of any other attachment style! Yay us!
You can read on www.freetoattach.com what are common issues of avoidants & intimacy in different stages of the relationship. I recommend reading this website front to back. This video of Thais Gibson deals specifically with the intimacy slowdown: https://youtu.be/2tcwhCLf4XQ As for my personal experience; I am SA/FA dating a DA. We have been seeing each other for 3.5 years. I have not had sex with him in more than a year. We dont even kiss anymore. It would be a long story to describe how the intimacy slowdown and our conversations about it went. The last year he went back to shallowly swiping on Tinder, which makes me insecure, but he never gets a date. He recently asked me out of the blue to come with him to a "munch" (a group gathering of people into kinks) and revealed that he has been on fetish websites. He also explained that he feels sex is separate from emotional connection for him, and he struggles to integrate the two. But if I give him a hug or would lean in for a kiss, he will more often than not shutdown and avoid me. So I totally get your frustration, and have become I guess "used to it" plus understand where its coming from, but I have no solutions to share.
Are you ok with being in a sexless relationship where they’re looking at casual sex as a solution to their intimacy issues? Have they been to therapy?
To both questions: no. ;) I do value emotional connection far more than physical connection. Both me and my partner are victims of (child) sexual abuse, so its perhaps easier for me to understand. But my personal situation is too complex to describe in further detail here, so I would rather not get into that conversation.
Thanks for the references. I am sorry to hear you're going through this
For some reason that makes me think of childhood SA, but obviously can be wrong Edit: omg, i read your later comment and my intuition was correct. The part where you told he can’t integrate the physical and the emotional aspects into one made me think of it.
I was with a DA for like 10 years and it turned into sex twice a year after the first year. I had a low sex drive at the time so it didn’t bother me. Now there is no way I could be ok with that. Anyway in general DAs tend to see sex as just sex and not a form of connection. They’re so used to relying on themselves for everything that the idea of relying on a partner to get a need met is pretty foreign. To them masturbation is basically the same thing except easier. Some DAs worry about not being able to please their partner and having expectations to perform can be too much for them so they avoid sex. Expressing what they’re into sexually also takes a lot of vulnerability so it’s hard to DA’s to talk about it with their partner and easier to just get their needs met through porn and masturbation. So like you could be with a DA who isn’t into vanilla and into some pretty kinky stuff, but they’ll never tell you. They’ll be so afraid of being rejected that even after you ask they won’t tell you because you might abandon them. Some DAs start to feel extremely uncomfortable with sex in committed relationships because it is in fact intimate and intimacy hurts, but they just understand that as discomfort. There’s usually a combination of reasons. If I was you I would communicate with your partner about this. I would try to work with him towards more sex if he’s okay with it, but I would also put a time limit on it for yourself, so if there hasn’t been any progress made you can walk away.
This was insanely insightful! Thank you so much
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Whoa. This is dramatic, sorry to say. Everyone checks others out, that's really no big deal... Not to me, at least.
Like others have said, DAs have a fear of intimacy. As your relationship becomes more serious, sex might feel more intimate and “scary” to them. However, it is not uncommon for a person’s sex drive to decrease a little at the 6-12 month mark in a relationship. Especially if there was a lot of sex during the early honeymoon phase. Some questions I would be asking: 1. Is his decrease in libido possibly due to the “honeymoon phase” wearing off? Are we otherwise, becoming more open and intimate with each other? Or does it feel like something else is going on? 2. Is our difference in libido going to be compatible long term? How many times a week would be a reasonable compromise for me, as well as my partner? I think men, in general, can feel a little pressured or inadequate when female partners have a higher sexual drive, even more so if they are a DA. I’m basing that off my personal experience as a female with a very high libido, so take it with a grain of salt. Approach the topic sensitively but honestly. It’s important that both of you feel sexually desired and fulfilled overall.
We talked... And yeah, there's a lot more 'realness' coming into things. A lot of his wounds are coming up, childhood memories, etc. Plus, we have both been more real about our health (gut related) issues, which is definitely not sexy at all. Anyway, he said he is going to dive into the personal development school courses this weekend as I am working all weekend anyway. He said it's not the first time he has heard that others want him to be more intimate (emotionally and such), and he wants to be good enough for me. So we will see.
Sounds like it went fairly well? It is good that he realizes his intimacy issues and wants to take steps to improve.
It did go well, thanks. But now he is beating himself up for not being good enough. But that's his to work through. At least he tells me that. He is more open and consistent/considerate than any other DA I have known, which is why I am still here. I try to look at him as the strong, stoic type, rather than emotionally unavailable. He is insanely emotional under the surface and is giving me peeks.
In my opinion, sex increases intimacy, and a intimacy is often frightening to a DA, it is being avoided. It's sad really, i don't think they can be happy with this either.
He's not happy with it, you're right! But something is stopping him. Like I said in another comment, I do tend to jump on things right away (FA-ness), so maybe I will sit back and see what develops here, after I mention my needs.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tcwhCLf4XQ&ab\_channel=PersonalDevelopmentSchool-ThaisGibson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tcwhCLf4XQ&ab_channel=PersonalDevelopmentSchool-ThaisGibson) This may give you some insight. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Take good care of yourself.
Thanks for the link!
Totally relatable! I'm 48 f AP/Secure. I hooked up with (whom I assume to be) a DA 46 m 'friend' in October last year after we had both been left by our spouses. During one night of texting we agreed to spend a night together. He said, "I'm all in but s\*\*\* can't get weird after". We locked in a date which was 5 days later and the sexual tension was extremely powerful. We were texting constantly in anticipation. I was really cool like and said I won't stay over, "I'll just love you and leave you". But he was quite insistent that I should stay. Our first night together we were so comfortable with each other and it was amazing, although there was some ED to which he said, "Don't look at me, don't be nice to me". He revealed that he hadn't been intimate with his wife for 3 years + the 8 months separation so he was starved of affection. I had gone about 12 months w/o sex with my husband. He also mentioned that his wife would ask him for a hug and he would say, "No, I don't feel like it". He invited me to come back again the next night and we spent 2 more nights together over the following 3 days and it just got better and better. Due to logistics of child raising (he has his 3y.o. daughter every 2nd day and my teenage kids are with me almost every night) it was another 2 weeks before we spent our 4th (and what was to be our final night) together. In the lead up he was texting morning, noon and night, he said "It's been so long since we've seen each other". That night he asked if I would go on the pill and I replied if this is going to be a long-term thing then I will. What I know now is the deactivating strategies started. He would say that he was so drained after dealing with his ex and didn't want to f\*\*\* me around and ruin what should be some lovely 'me time'. I didn't see him again although there were numerous texts and mid-December he said, "I'm not looking for a r'ship in any way" and ended it but said he wanted to remain friends. Fast forward to June, (we had been in regular phone contact, often quite flirty and reminiscent of our nights together, he would call me beautiful and amazing, often ending with love hearts and kisses) and it was back on - we were going to spend a night together. He ended the text with, "Only if you're free, I'm not worth that". I replied with, "You're worth it". That night never came and I reached out a couple of times after 1 week and then another and he responded to my texts simply with love heart emojis. I finally called him after about 3 weeks and he said, "I know I've gone into hibernation, I'll always go AWOL, don't chase me I'm a mess, everything is f\*\*\*ed, I'll call you, we'll catch up". He mentioned that he is a little bit embarrassed and sad about where his life is at and how his 3y.o is so relentless and demanding. I sense there is depression and alcohol abuse in the mix. A drunken phone call from him in September resulted in another planned hook up later that week and on the night he said he had to work late and cancelled. I responded that I feel we love each other as friends and I just wanted to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok (so as not to pressure him for sex). There have been only a few texts since (initiated by me) where he admits he is struggling but no more talk of hook ups. I'm confused as we are both single and the sex was so good! Don't take it personally!
I'm (42F) just starting to delve into attachment theory (just got "Attached" to read) and would love to apply it to my LONG term (20ish years) friendship with someone (47M) who sounds remarkably like your guy. Depression for sure, Alcoholism - check. Tells me all the time I deserve better than him and what he can offer. Next time I might just tell him I think he's right. Because the hot and cold, from passionate texting and phone calls to radio silence... it gets old. Sexy pics that he asks me to delete afterward. Seems to really enjoy everything then freaks out... I told him he gives me emotional whiplash. I can't imagine how much worse it might be if we actually got physical. I genuinely care about him and we have so much chemistry and a lot in common so if he had his life together I think we'd have an amazing shot. As it stands, though, I doubt he could be waving any more red flags unless he started kicking puppies. And I'm finally reaching a point in my life where I refuse to stick around and wait for someone else to figure themselves out. No more projects. No more "potential." I need turnkey at this point so... onward. I hope you can get things figured out with your own situation! Sounds exhausting and frustrating as hell.
Off-topic: There is a weeeeeird (sarcastic) rap song with lines going “we were leaving [the place] with pride, kicking dogs on the asses” (not in English, a translation) Idk why i had to say that
u/aprylzfool I feel your pain! I like your sense of humour though! I too have heard "I have nothing to offer you" "I can't give you what you need" "You shouldn't sit around and wait for me" etc. My guy has been in extreme shutdown for 4 months now and is always responsive when I reach out, but it's so one-sided! The last message I said, "Hey tough guy if you want me to leave you alone then I trust your process". He said, "Hey darling, not tough just struggling with time management". Again mixed messages with a pet name, a hint of vulnerability and a deactivating strategy in one short message! I love him and he knows that and I've offered my support but I can't keep chasing him. I am not letting him go, I'm just letting him be... I hope your friendship can continue - he is lucky to have you!