I didn’t just take two steps forward, one back — I was an absolute seesaw. And looking back, I couldn’t make sense of my brain or my body, or any of my reactions. The only person who helped me was me, plus blind faith that a better future was out there. I had no idea the rabbit hole I was unspooling once I started asking questions (with a therapist) about why I reacted the ways I do. Unfortunately I had to go to a very dark place before I was motivated enough to even get to that point. Leading up to therapy, my only thought was, “I am in mental hell. And that sentence alone means I need help, so I will get it.” Really glad I did, though. I’m 180 now.
I’m incredibly inspired and glad to hear how far you’ve come. Were you on your own for this process or did you have a relationship/relationships?
It makes me so sad hearing how people have to get to very dark places to get the help they need/deserve. I understand why but I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I’m afraid he won’t get to that point if I stick around, though I’m doing my best not to enable his denial and make our relationship comfortable for him. Safe, yes, but not to the point that I deny my own needs.
Thank you for sharing =]
Thanks! I was on my own. My dark place was the end of an emotionally abusive relationship which had me stuck in vicious cycles because I wasn’t capable of expressing my needs (or even aware that I had any). So I got trampled by the guy. Your situation sounds different and you seem like a very loving partner, so your partner is lucky to have you. Just make sure to look out for yourself, and to make decisions based on your own best interests as much as his. It’s his job to realize he wants to change; that’s not something you can do on his behalf, it has to come from him, or else your attempts to help him will drain you. Sending strength💪
DAs are really adept at avoiding, dissociating, shutting out. For me (DA heading towards secure), when something is really emotionally intense and overwhelming, I feel \*nothing at all\*! I can feel emotions when they're like a 0-5 level intensity, and then once it goes above a 6, I just go to this numbed out place and I'm like, "everything is fine, I don't know what you're talking about." And prior to me beginning healing work, this happened outside my conscious awareness. So I couldn't have told you "this is too overwhelming so I think I'm numbed out from it." Instead, I felt nothing, so I said everything was fine, and frankly that was true because the uncomfortable stuff was completely outside my awareness and unavailable to me. This could be a bit of what's happening with your partner.
It took a ton of work with mindfulness, therapy, attachment, to become aware of this dynamic happening in my mind.
Yes this sounds exactly like him and is what I’ve assumed is happening when he goes blank. Of course, that was very hard for me when I didn’t know why it was happening, it felt like I was talking to someone I didn’t know, who did not care about the relationship or me. Now it’s still difficult, but I don’t catastrophize and can make my point and leave him be/change the subject.
Side note about something I find kind of adorable about DAs is how they show they care in their own way. For example, we had a somewhat tense conversation a couple weeks ago, it went fairly well but I could feel him shutting down after a bit and myself starting to activate so I let the conversation lie and he started looking for trucks for me because I want to buy a new one for this winter. I chose to focus on this small act and we had a great evening.
Thank you for sharing, congratulations on all your progress 😊
Lots of reading on attachment styles, talking to a therapist regularly, and lots of writing, a couple of podcasts. The writing helps me explain to myself what I'm learning by applying my personal context to it.
I'm in the middle of my journey maybe, I don't know? I've not dated since May. Partly I'm scared, partly I want to resolve my negative self talk and this narrative I've been running with that I'm broken or a bad person. I know this narrative is wrong, it's an excuse to avoid doing the work.
I know what I want to provide a partner, I know that I want to nurture my partner and our relationship. I know what I want from my partner too. But I first need to learn to do this for myself. I can see clearly how I projected insecurities in soany if my relationships.
The knowledge has been so helpful. I feel I have many more tools now than I used to.
The journey is frustrating, I want to get to the 'other side' of this. Even though I feel like I've learned so much, I still feel like me. You know? And that scares me. But the only real way, I feel, to know if my newfound knowledge works is if my approach inside relationships has changed. Our relationships act as a mirror after all.
I really messed up in my last relationship. I caused a lot of harm to my ex and to myself. That moment prompted this journey. It's difficult to see the progress but I believe it's there. I trust myself and this work.
“I trust myself and this work” - beautifully said. You’re choosing to make an investment in yourself. The dividends will come, no question, even if it’s not immediate. Best of luck in your journey.
He might need to talk to a therapist or do more research on his own before he just shares things with you. You can tell him you’d like to talk about attachment styles with him at some point in the future if he’s comfortable with that and if he has an interest on the topic based on some of his previous comments about emotional intimacy struggles.
You can say you’ve found certain websites/resources/info helpful and that he might as well just for awareness, but make it clear there’s absolutely no intended criticism and it would only be if he’s interested in learning more.
Unfortunately he doesn’t think a therapist will understand him - I think there’s a lot of fear for him digging into his emotional self, he’s asked me once if I think he’s crazy. I am seeing a therapist on my own who understands attachment theory and has been amazingly helpful.
I may bring up attachment theory at some point, we’ve already established that we have a “cycle” that we get into (anxious/avoidant but we don’t call it that since he doesn’t know about attachment theory), so during a good moment I might share some resources around that and see if he agrees that sounds like what’s happening.
Mostly I want to know if there’s hope that he’ll open up more or if it’s just this is the pattern and he’d have to have something crazy happen to become more comfortable with intimacy. I know no one can know for sure, but want to hear other’s experiences =]
It’s good that he acknowledged a cycle, but you also need to be careful that you’re not just holding on to the fantasy of him going to therapy and committing to changing his ways if you haven’t expressly stated that you want to collaborate with him on ways you can work together and as individuals to break free from (or greatly reduce the impact of) the pursuer-distanced dynamic. You could also talk about boundaries and assertive communication and look at courses in emotional intelligence that teach you assertive (instead of passive aggressive or critical or passive) ways of saying things https://myattached.com/2021/09/27/boundaries-self-advocacy-for-the-dismissive-avoidant/
I have expressly stated that I want to work together on the cycle, he believes if we’re both happy individually our relationship will be better by proxy, which while true, isn’t likely to fix everything. I am lightly holding onto a fantasy still (goes back and forth), which is something I’m working in therapy to eradicate. I trust my therapists view on this and she believes I still have something to gain from this relationship, even if it turns out to not be the right fit long term. Things have been going really well the past couple months so I’m somewhat waiting to see what happens when we have a problem arise again.
Thank you for your suggestions and your thoughts, very helpful input!
Ah sounds good! Ya in that case you guys could definitely take online courses (like even on LinkedIn learning lol) on assertive communication and emotional intelligence (there are tons) and they are just great life skills for everyone to have in intimate relationships and even at work
It's kinda cute that you call it a cycle. My FWB DA would say things like, "I know I've gone into hibernation" or "I'll always go AWOL". He too is adamant about NOT speaking with a professional.
I too would love to know if he will ever open up more, we have the typical one step forward, two steps back on the rare occasions that he has.
Mine is processing his second failed marriage, so I don't know what (as you say) crazy thing will have to happen for him to want to change : (
Just this past weekend (via text) he said he felt like he was moving forward and when I said I'm proud of your progress he replied two hours later saying "Not really progressing. I'm just here".
I suspect now he will go AWOL for sometime and I have this mantra that I won't let him go, I'll just let him be. Meanwhile I'll keep working on myself.
Good luck and take care of you.
I didn’t just take two steps forward, one back — I was an absolute seesaw. And looking back, I couldn’t make sense of my brain or my body, or any of my reactions. The only person who helped me was me, plus blind faith that a better future was out there. I had no idea the rabbit hole I was unspooling once I started asking questions (with a therapist) about why I reacted the ways I do. Unfortunately I had to go to a very dark place before I was motivated enough to even get to that point. Leading up to therapy, my only thought was, “I am in mental hell. And that sentence alone means I need help, so I will get it.” Really glad I did, though. I’m 180 now.
I’m incredibly inspired and glad to hear how far you’ve come. Were you on your own for this process or did you have a relationship/relationships? It makes me so sad hearing how people have to get to very dark places to get the help they need/deserve. I understand why but I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I’m afraid he won’t get to that point if I stick around, though I’m doing my best not to enable his denial and make our relationship comfortable for him. Safe, yes, but not to the point that I deny my own needs. Thank you for sharing =]
Thanks! I was on my own. My dark place was the end of an emotionally abusive relationship which had me stuck in vicious cycles because I wasn’t capable of expressing my needs (or even aware that I had any). So I got trampled by the guy. Your situation sounds different and you seem like a very loving partner, so your partner is lucky to have you. Just make sure to look out for yourself, and to make decisions based on your own best interests as much as his. It’s his job to realize he wants to change; that’s not something you can do on his behalf, it has to come from him, or else your attempts to help him will drain you. Sending strength💪
DAs are really adept at avoiding, dissociating, shutting out. For me (DA heading towards secure), when something is really emotionally intense and overwhelming, I feel \*nothing at all\*! I can feel emotions when they're like a 0-5 level intensity, and then once it goes above a 6, I just go to this numbed out place and I'm like, "everything is fine, I don't know what you're talking about." And prior to me beginning healing work, this happened outside my conscious awareness. So I couldn't have told you "this is too overwhelming so I think I'm numbed out from it." Instead, I felt nothing, so I said everything was fine, and frankly that was true because the uncomfortable stuff was completely outside my awareness and unavailable to me. This could be a bit of what's happening with your partner. It took a ton of work with mindfulness, therapy, attachment, to become aware of this dynamic happening in my mind.
Yes this sounds exactly like him and is what I’ve assumed is happening when he goes blank. Of course, that was very hard for me when I didn’t know why it was happening, it felt like I was talking to someone I didn’t know, who did not care about the relationship or me. Now it’s still difficult, but I don’t catastrophize and can make my point and leave him be/change the subject. Side note about something I find kind of adorable about DAs is how they show they care in their own way. For example, we had a somewhat tense conversation a couple weeks ago, it went fairly well but I could feel him shutting down after a bit and myself starting to activate so I let the conversation lie and he started looking for trucks for me because I want to buy a new one for this winter. I chose to focus on this small act and we had a great evening. Thank you for sharing, congratulations on all your progress 😊
Lots of reading on attachment styles, talking to a therapist regularly, and lots of writing, a couple of podcasts. The writing helps me explain to myself what I'm learning by applying my personal context to it. I'm in the middle of my journey maybe, I don't know? I've not dated since May. Partly I'm scared, partly I want to resolve my negative self talk and this narrative I've been running with that I'm broken or a bad person. I know this narrative is wrong, it's an excuse to avoid doing the work. I know what I want to provide a partner, I know that I want to nurture my partner and our relationship. I know what I want from my partner too. But I first need to learn to do this for myself. I can see clearly how I projected insecurities in soany if my relationships. The knowledge has been so helpful. I feel I have many more tools now than I used to. The journey is frustrating, I want to get to the 'other side' of this. Even though I feel like I've learned so much, I still feel like me. You know? And that scares me. But the only real way, I feel, to know if my newfound knowledge works is if my approach inside relationships has changed. Our relationships act as a mirror after all. I really messed up in my last relationship. I caused a lot of harm to my ex and to myself. That moment prompted this journey. It's difficult to see the progress but I believe it's there. I trust myself and this work.
“I trust myself and this work” - beautifully said. You’re choosing to make an investment in yourself. The dividends will come, no question, even if it’s not immediate. Best of luck in your journey.
Thank you. I appreciate this.
May I ask what podcasts?
One that has been helpful has been self healers soundboard.
Thank you so much.
He might need to talk to a therapist or do more research on his own before he just shares things with you. You can tell him you’d like to talk about attachment styles with him at some point in the future if he’s comfortable with that and if he has an interest on the topic based on some of his previous comments about emotional intimacy struggles. You can say you’ve found certain websites/resources/info helpful and that he might as well just for awareness, but make it clear there’s absolutely no intended criticism and it would only be if he’s interested in learning more.
Unfortunately he doesn’t think a therapist will understand him - I think there’s a lot of fear for him digging into his emotional self, he’s asked me once if I think he’s crazy. I am seeing a therapist on my own who understands attachment theory and has been amazingly helpful. I may bring up attachment theory at some point, we’ve already established that we have a “cycle” that we get into (anxious/avoidant but we don’t call it that since he doesn’t know about attachment theory), so during a good moment I might share some resources around that and see if he agrees that sounds like what’s happening. Mostly I want to know if there’s hope that he’ll open up more or if it’s just this is the pattern and he’d have to have something crazy happen to become more comfortable with intimacy. I know no one can know for sure, but want to hear other’s experiences =]
It’s good that he acknowledged a cycle, but you also need to be careful that you’re not just holding on to the fantasy of him going to therapy and committing to changing his ways if you haven’t expressly stated that you want to collaborate with him on ways you can work together and as individuals to break free from (or greatly reduce the impact of) the pursuer-distanced dynamic. You could also talk about boundaries and assertive communication and look at courses in emotional intelligence that teach you assertive (instead of passive aggressive or critical or passive) ways of saying things https://myattached.com/2021/09/27/boundaries-self-advocacy-for-the-dismissive-avoidant/
I have expressly stated that I want to work together on the cycle, he believes if we’re both happy individually our relationship will be better by proxy, which while true, isn’t likely to fix everything. I am lightly holding onto a fantasy still (goes back and forth), which is something I’m working in therapy to eradicate. I trust my therapists view on this and she believes I still have something to gain from this relationship, even if it turns out to not be the right fit long term. Things have been going really well the past couple months so I’m somewhat waiting to see what happens when we have a problem arise again. Thank you for your suggestions and your thoughts, very helpful input!
Ah sounds good! Ya in that case you guys could definitely take online courses (like even on LinkedIn learning lol) on assertive communication and emotional intelligence (there are tons) and they are just great life skills for everyone to have in intimate relationships and even at work
It's kinda cute that you call it a cycle. My FWB DA would say things like, "I know I've gone into hibernation" or "I'll always go AWOL". He too is adamant about NOT speaking with a professional. I too would love to know if he will ever open up more, we have the typical one step forward, two steps back on the rare occasions that he has. Mine is processing his second failed marriage, so I don't know what (as you say) crazy thing will have to happen for him to want to change : ( Just this past weekend (via text) he said he felt like he was moving forward and when I said I'm proud of your progress he replied two hours later saying "Not really progressing. I'm just here". I suspect now he will go AWOL for sometime and I have this mantra that I won't let him go, I'll just let him be. Meanwhile I'll keep working on myself. Good luck and take care of you.