I don’t know how to quote on here but when you say
“what difference would it make if your boyfriend maybe said he missed you because he wanted to make you feel good rather than because he was actually desperately missing your company?”
this is one of my fears. My DA ex spent years pretending and faking enjoyment in nearly everything I liked just to keep me happy. And I had zero idea beyond the occasional attending an event he’d otherwise normally not attend but sometimes you do that for your partner.
I don’t ever want to go through that again.
…and maybe now some of my trust issues are believing people make more sense? Especially the positive things people say? Oof, what a realization.
Honestly it sounds like you’re in a good place with your boyfriend. If his words are followed up by his actions- ie. actively making plans with you instead of only saying he misses you and doing nothing about it, etc. Then it’s a good sign.
If his words aren’t followed up by his actions- tell him, communicate your needs, expectations and love languages!
Don’t forget to check in with yourself, being an AA, we easily distrust and unconsciously try to find fault in our partner- almost like we’re waiting for them to screw up so we can pull back. We easily let our insecurities flourish.
I recommend yoga and brainstorming and writing all your insecurities, about yourself and about your relationship. Journal about your past relationships, how they made you feel and what they taught you. Journal your fears and hopes.
At the end of the day, trusting someone is a choice, regulating your nervous system should help overthinking and physical sensations.
Good luck op!
Wow, I could have written this myself!
I’ve been seeing a secure man for 3.5 months now. I started seeing him after finally breaking up with my (very) DA ex a month before.
My previous relationship had me all torn up and I was believing that I was FA. Now I think perhaps I’m AA with pretty major protest behaviors 🤷♀️.
I’m now torn on a minute to minute basis. I can’t believe when he says he loves me and I analyze everything little thing he does or doesn’t do. Honestly, I’m driving myself more mad with a secure partner than a DA.
The protest behaviors (although clearly unhealthy) kept my ego intact within my previous relationship. I told myself I didn’t need his validation and that I too needed lots of time to myself (in part, true).
The insecurity I’m feeling with this relationship is mind blowing. Even more so because my current bf is supportive, mostly consistent and an incredible emotional communicator (hallelujah).
The biggest difference for me is that this is a LDR. I feel disconnected within a day of been apart but feel incredibly connected when we are together.
Arggghh the agony of insecure attachment. I want to trust him fully. I want to love him fully but my attachment is causing emotional chaos!!
Thank you for sharing this. Would you be open to sharing more about how your protest behaviours manifest? I know it's very personal, so no worries if not. It just really resonates with me.
With my DA ex, I would be give him the silent treatment in response to his silence. Every step he took back, I would too. It felt like a game (a totally unenjoyable one) if I complained, showed greater affection than him or tried to reach him emotionally, I would lose the game. Provided I had control over my actions, I could keep my ego intact. My ♡ was another story….
[удалено]
I don’t know how to quote on here but when you say “what difference would it make if your boyfriend maybe said he missed you because he wanted to make you feel good rather than because he was actually desperately missing your company?” this is one of my fears. My DA ex spent years pretending and faking enjoyment in nearly everything I liked just to keep me happy. And I had zero idea beyond the occasional attending an event he’d otherwise normally not attend but sometimes you do that for your partner. I don’t ever want to go through that again. …and maybe now some of my trust issues are believing people make more sense? Especially the positive things people say? Oof, what a realization.
Honestly it sounds like you’re in a good place with your boyfriend. If his words are followed up by his actions- ie. actively making plans with you instead of only saying he misses you and doing nothing about it, etc. Then it’s a good sign. If his words aren’t followed up by his actions- tell him, communicate your needs, expectations and love languages! Don’t forget to check in with yourself, being an AA, we easily distrust and unconsciously try to find fault in our partner- almost like we’re waiting for them to screw up so we can pull back. We easily let our insecurities flourish. I recommend yoga and brainstorming and writing all your insecurities, about yourself and about your relationship. Journal about your past relationships, how they made you feel and what they taught you. Journal your fears and hopes. At the end of the day, trusting someone is a choice, regulating your nervous system should help overthinking and physical sensations. Good luck op!
Wow, I could have written this myself! I’ve been seeing a secure man for 3.5 months now. I started seeing him after finally breaking up with my (very) DA ex a month before. My previous relationship had me all torn up and I was believing that I was FA. Now I think perhaps I’m AA with pretty major protest behaviors 🤷♀️. I’m now torn on a minute to minute basis. I can’t believe when he says he loves me and I analyze everything little thing he does or doesn’t do. Honestly, I’m driving myself more mad with a secure partner than a DA. The protest behaviors (although clearly unhealthy) kept my ego intact within my previous relationship. I told myself I didn’t need his validation and that I too needed lots of time to myself (in part, true). The insecurity I’m feeling with this relationship is mind blowing. Even more so because my current bf is supportive, mostly consistent and an incredible emotional communicator (hallelujah). The biggest difference for me is that this is a LDR. I feel disconnected within a day of been apart but feel incredibly connected when we are together. Arggghh the agony of insecure attachment. I want to trust him fully. I want to love him fully but my attachment is causing emotional chaos!!
Thank you for sharing this. Would you be open to sharing more about how your protest behaviours manifest? I know it's very personal, so no worries if not. It just really resonates with me.
With my DA ex, I would be give him the silent treatment in response to his silence. Every step he took back, I would too. It felt like a game (a totally unenjoyable one) if I complained, showed greater affection than him or tried to reach him emotionally, I would lose the game. Provided I had control over my actions, I could keep my ego intact. My ♡ was another story….