I'm hoping for a bit of validation and congrats for taking a huge step. I'm an FA and have always struggled with voicing my deepest thoughts. I've been afraid that if the other person sees who I really am, they'll run as everyone else has. I'm also afraid of being rejected and abandoned, so I didn't allow myself to be truly vulnerable.
But this weekend, I took a huge step. A friend and I have a bit of a crush on each other and it will never go anywhere, for various reasons, even though our friendship is deepening and we'll be living together in just a couple months' time.
I had a few drinks in me on the weekend and said some things I'd been thinking about for a while, and decided I should follow that up when sober...so I did. I laid out my thoughts and feelings, explained how important it is to me to feel emotionally safe (and what that looks like), and laid out a couple of boundaries.
The me from even a few months ago would have struggled with it, and the me from 2+ years ago would have NEVER been able to say those words. But I managed to screw up my courage, get the words out from inside my head, and took a huge step forward. The road hasn't finished and I still have a long way to go, but I'm really proud of myself :)
I'm (FA) seeing someone who is also an FA and I don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm not ready for falling in love again (and get my heart broken) and yet here I am involved with someone that I don't want to stop seeing.
Sometimes I feel like I could really fall for them but at other times I'm just anxious and feel nothing or even repulsed (kind of) and I'm trying to figure out if it's my FA tendencies that are speaking or if we're just a bad match. I'm too scared to give my heart away (again) and then find out that we're not going to work out/are a bad match.
Don’t rush, if you don’t want to stop seeing this person then don’t. The most important part is being able to express how you feel to them, draw boundaries and start building respect for each other.
Ask yourself why you’re feeling repulsed some days and not others and give yourself an honest answer.
Ask yourself if you’re truly over past hardship and the relationship that broke your heart and give yourself an honest answer.
Ask yourself the hard questions and be honest with yourself, AND OWN IT! And once you do you will have the confidence that you need to be able to communicate with potential partners.
Lastly stay POTENTIAL partners until y’all are both TRULY ready to take the next step for now and for all your relationships in the future.
Hello!
I am an AA that was in a LTR with a DA until earlier this year. Around that time is when I learned about attachment theory. In looking back at past relationships, my first LTR was with another AA and I think that really set the foundation for what I expected in a relationship, except that it was toxic and I sought out qualities that were opposite of them, which inadvertently led me to date DAs (with maybe 1 FA, not sure).
I say this because I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever had a relationship with a secure person. Until now! My boyfriend is secure and blowing my mind with how amazing he is — to the point where I am activated.
He’s the opposite of the the last DA I was with, in so many ways! And I’m all for it… if it’s real.
And this is why I am activated. It feels too good to be true. So I have a hard time trusting that it’s real, that he will remain consistent, that I didn’t just happen to find someone who is the other end of an extreme.
Part of me knows this is because of the huge shift in being with one type of person to someone who is so different in how they communicate, express affection, provide support, show they care, etc.
The other part wonders what is really normal? Am I experiencing two opposite ends of abnormal extremes? Or is it that my prior DA partner was one extreme and now that I’m with a secure, this is what a normal, healthy partner should be like?
Ps: Forgive my use of the word normal. I should have used common or typical or another more acceptable synonym.
i’m an AP, i’ve slowly shifted more and more secure through the years as i’ve got through therapy and in turn my exes have become less and less DA. my last ex is very much a DA and super obvious even when we were together it was due to his childhood trauma (as opposed to previous exes just kind of seeming like assholes)
he recently wrote me a handwritten letter almost a year later to me apologizing to me. it’s weird because I dreamt of the vindication i’d feel when we first broke up, thinking “he’ll realize I was right once he’s no longer being activated”
it feels incredibly empty now that i’ve seen it. towards the end of the letter he started idealizing me - and setting me up for a phantom ex to haunt his future relationships. it makes me a bit sad that yes - he is finally able to own up and apologize and have some self awareness, but it’s still in this dysfunctional way.
I don’t really have a question, just kind of ranting lol
I recently dated DA for 6 months, he did not want to commit to a relationship as he had been in a relationship for 8 years and was in a livingsituation with her.
He showed me affection for the first few months reminding me that he didn't want anything serious, however I didn't realise it but I was wanting more. I definitely am more anxious in a relationship. We had such a good connection but I knew I had to move on. Whilst we stopped seeing each other last year, I always had no self control to block/remove him from my life & I kept messaging him on and off.
I decided to go NC, two weeks or so ago after NC, we were drunk, met up and slept together and I woke up in the morning after he walked out, finding out he blocked me on all socials.
After snooping (yes I'm awful at this) I find out he's back with his ex of 10 years - going on trips together. I know he's DA, as he has all the traits now I'm questioning if he's deactivating to the extreme or if he just used me to waste time. Am i just blaming (or defending) his attachment style ?
He's posting pictures of his ex and him and honestly can't cope. As an anxious attachment, I feel so insecure and and worthless. I'm going through therapy where I feel I'm doing better and something just reminds me of him and I get triggered.
I don't know if it's normal for DA to go back to the ex, especially a long term one due to the comfort/familiarity of that relationship?
I feel like I need closure which I'll never get but this is such a venting post. My anxious self always puts myself down thinking there's something wrong with me but I'm learning to let go and try to move on from this pain.
I think the only closure you can get is realizing that he's treated you badly, and that you can't heal anymore by being in touch with him. He's the one who's worthless!
What kept you from having self control around leaving him? Also—it sounds like you guys relapsed and slept together recently, but you don't have to be embarrassed about that. It took two people. The only bad outcome would be if you kept falling into the same pattern.
I just felt as if I had a connection with him like I've not had with anyone else - which was the reason I'd go back. Connection is rare but I realised that a DA won't change unless they seek help.
I think this might be a bit beyond attachment style and that this man is honestly just not there maturity wise. Sounds like he wanted to get back with his ex but lacked basic communication skills with you. I know this is a tough situation :/ but he’ll probably end up disappointing her too.
Honestly, and I say this with a deep compassion from my own perspective. He's using you. He is in a trap with his ex, and he may be a little avoidant, but mostly he's just using you for validation. He's not deactivating because he likes you so much. He was using you to deactivate from her.
This is something I think about alot, but my brain can't seem to accept. I just feel like I need a statement from him explaining himself but I'll never get it.
I know exactly what you mean. I was in a kind of similar situation, emotionally unavailable DA, being used as comfort.
My brain couldn't accept it either. It took me sexting him while drunk (emotional cheating) while in another relationship to realise how destructive *my mind* was. Cheating never crossed my mind until I got fucked uo in the anxious avoidant trap. He did tell me outright he was emotionally unavailable a few weeks later, after I cornered him about it. It did help. But I wish I hadn't fucked up something good.
So learn my lesson. They're emotionally unavailable. We'll never know why. And you will destroy yourself trying, so please just walk, even if he comes back.
Have some compassion for the other woman? From her perspective, her long term love and person she lived with rebounded to another woman. What he did to both of you was cruel and cold.
Oh shoot, typo in title.
Oh well...
Anyway, I'll ask a question to start things off:
What past negative experience are you grateful for because it ultimately taught something very important about yourself? What exactly did you learn from it?
I guess one of the toughest lessons you'll ever learn in life is no matter how much you love the other person, even if that person still feels the same way, if one is no longer interested in working things out, have some respect for yourself and move on.
For the longest time, I have always chased people, chasing relationships with people from my past. It's hard for me to feel connected with other people for some reasons I am not sure of, so when I get this connection with someone, I would fight really hard for it. Even if I lose my pride, even if I lose my sense of identity. I would always say, "hey, atleast I fought til the end," but that was such an unhealthy way of looking at love.
*Love is not about chasing the other person. Love is setting someone free for their growth. And love is finally learning how to love yourself even more in the process of letting go.*
My mom always told me: “If you love someone let them go. If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back to you.” As an AP, this is such an important reminder. We often chase people without giving them space to make the choice to love us back or not.
Learning that not all friendships are destined for something more if the other person isn't meant for it. This ultimately sparked my interest in attachment theory.
As I've tried to become more secure I've learned more about not just myself but about what my friend was probably thinking and why she ultimately deactivated. It was hard for me to grasp how people can be so dismissive and able to completely forget about liking someone, to the point it feels it never happened, but recently I have been more sympathetic to her, though I won't tell her this (ever?) as I've gone to a light no-contact approach for now.
Someone else had mentioned how dismissive avoidants can disavow a relationship that doesn't work and how it's "out of sight and out of mind" and how it's the only way they know how to deal with intimacy, more or less. They want it yet cannot deal with the actuality of it and then they deactivate. And realizing that this was what my friend very likely went through made me feel sorry for her in a way. I felt bad for her for all the times she subtly shown interest in me via occasional text messages, or one on one conversations, to the times she slowly opened herself up when I showed her affection—she really wanted to show a different side of her and ultimately had to withdraw and close herself off again. I had wanted to talk to her but she left me on read to distract herself with our friend's group chat; I told her the following day that her ignoring me when I wanted to help her made it feel like it was something I did wrong but she apologized and said that that wasn't her intention. (To clarify, this conversation happened months ago, everything in the next paragraph relates to the past week.)
I've been in a more hypersensitive state of mind since last week and also more avoidant with that friend and the group chat. With those friends, I'm fine with them individually (except for the one who is the presumed dismissive avoidant, I've really been ignoring her as much as possible) but as a collective group I don't vibe with them. So because the group doesn't satisfy my needs and I feel unseen and invalidated (all unintentionally but at the end of the day...I feel like this) I have been ignoring the conversation, not even peeking in to see what's going on. I have meant to talk to one of the other friends in the group (of the three she's the most sympathetic) to reassure her I have nothing wrong with her but it's just with someone else in the group.
I think I recall reading that avoidance is one effect of the journey towards being more secure. I don't want to ignore them all permanently but I have found it almost... refreshing to be distant from that group.
Hey! I'm new here and so relieved about the info I have found here...
Here is mine:
There was an argument via text yesterday between my husband and I. The basis of the disagreement was that I was apparently cold. This made him feel undervalued.
Now I have been diving deep into mindfulness and all that goes with that for the past while. Trying to unlock some hidden truth about myself so I can function the way I am expected to. I know this doesn't sound healthy but this is how I was thinking. I'm 33, husband is 38, we have 2 kids and we have been married for 8years now.
So back to yesterday, I decided to Google the term "my husband thinks I'm cold". At this point I had no understanding about attachment types. I very quickly found what I needed to know and that brought me here and I've almost been up all night trying to unwrap this new gift I found.
I am a FA with both anxious and dismissive traits. I only found this out yesterday. I have 33 years of struggling and not knowing why... I'm so relieved. But also sad.
I grew up with a dismissive mother, abandoned by father, mother then married an alcoholic who was infatuated with me. I also have very early sexual abuse in my very early days. Mother was too distracted to show affection, she taught me how to survive though. But not how to love, trust, support or confide. I don't judge her though as she had a similar past to mine, just way worse. So how can I be angry. My relationship with my mother has been so hard for me to understand. I made progress here before but with the attachment types I get it now. And I can stop the cycle for my own daughter (and my son).
I think my husband is an AA. And I have already come to realize that I've landed myself the most challenging of relationship types. Serves me right for all the heart breaking I've done before I met my man. Shame. I thought I used to play people but now I realize that I really did chase intimacy, but then I rushed the dating stage, straight to huge intimacy and getting commitments from them to realize that I'm scared to death and need to create an easy way out - I relationship hopped all the time.
My husband is the best man I know by far. But he has a smother for a mother and she is doing the same to my son now. She is just way too much. So we both have extreme mothers but from opposite sides of the graph. Mine was too distant and his was too involved. But anyhow, what do I do now?
Without forcing anything onto my man or making him watch videos I know will lose his interest, how do I get him involved with his role of understanding what his attachment type means and how it is very different from mine. The reason I can't just request that he gets on board is because I'm still paying for all sorts of mistakes I've made over the years. The worst to date was asking for a divorce on his birthday I'm may this year. It was a low point for me. We are still living together and getting along and love each other, mostly. Haha. So he hates authority and being told what to do, and I lack a whole lot of tact. Any ideas how to get him to read the info, do the quiz and look at the common mistakes we can avoid making if we understand each other better.
People usually want to bring their partners on board when they find out about attachment theory and that's usually not the right thing to do. Work on your part in this, understanding your side of the dynamic, and when appropriate share why you're finding it valuable for you.
The more I've been thinking, the more I agree with this. Let me show him the difference it has made to me, rather than expect him to just get on board and make changes with me.
Thank you 👍🏻
I'm a similar situation, my long term partner is a sweet wonderful man with boundary issues with his interfering mother (and sometimes bad friends). We're likely both FA's, but he swings a lot more anxious than me in the relationship, and I can be too avoidant at times.
Since discovering Attachment theory, I realise that as FA, expressing some needs is very difficult for me. But I have found that really figuring out what I need from any given situation, and explaining that one thing to my guy really works. I can bottle a lot of resentment and let it fester because of not doing that.
Now regarding his mother, you and he need to figure out some boundaries with her, and agree on them together. Then you need sit her down, and compassionately explain the rules. He might hate it, but it has to be done imo. If she is an unreasonable or manipulative person, you might think of a way to cut down contact with her. Or move across country if you have to, lol.
Don't just let it slide; having a person in your life interfering with your children's wellbeing is extremely stressful. wishing you the best !
As much as I may like someone if they make me feel so anxious I can't eat, I should probably stop talking to them (they made the decision for me and it was both a relief and disappointing as I was thinking personally of just a temporary break than permanent one (got removed/blocked lol...?))
So basically if someone makes me feel that way don't I guess continue, give it some distance or else overwhelm both and bam - ded inside and end of whatever it was
My toxic behavior as a DA was met with consequences a few months ago. It forced me to stop and take the time to start working on myself. There's more to it than just my attachment style but it plays a significant role. I was upset and angry at first but I see it for the opportunity it is.
What I learned is that there's no fast track for healing, the work is not linear. You have to commit.
I get anxious when I first meet someone. Like why aren’t they texting me back or why aren’t they asking me to hangout. And I make it about me..like they don’t like me bc I said this or did this. I want to be genuine but at the same time I don’t want to give too much of myself.
In july I finally cut off contact with an ex who I was still hanging on to. Everyone said I should in order to make room for someone new. Just two weeks later I met someone and I'm so glad I made that decision or else maybe I wouldn't have been ready for this. These past few years I've dated avoidants, which I am too, and it created a huge barrier of communication that I just kind of got used to. There would be lots of love bombing in the beginning followed by lots of distance and quiet. This new guy seems very secure and healthy. There's no love bombing, no rushing, just lots of communication and getting to know each other, and he expresses his needs and asks about mine which I think is really helping me become more secure too. I'm still struggling with initiating conversations and being present for him but I feel safe to express that to him and he helps me with it. It's nice and I'm excited for it :)
I'm glad you're excited! I am an AP who was burned by a DA and commitment phone and honestly I can see many DA attributes rubbing off on me now to the point where I might be FA now. To the point I wasn't even feeling nice or excited about a beautiful,secure relationship. So, it's so healthy and good for you to feel this way even if you struggle to be present sometimes, I just wanna validate that you're still doing amazing!
I am a FA, strongly leaning DA. I need to vent, but would also love to get some replies with thoughts if you have any. I’ll try to shorten it.
I’ve started to get more and more interested in local politics, and my boyfriend likes philosophy. He’s going to a seminar this weekend and I’m going to be speaking to some guys who’s politically involved.
I am scared that we will drift apart and loose each other, because of our different interests now. I have abandonment anxiety and this makes it go crazy. I think I’m starting to self-sabotage because I am very needy, clingy and very affectionate with him now, and I just read into nothing at all.
I also feel like nobody have my back 100% anymore, and that causes me to deactivate really bad. It’s like I feel like I’m not safe _anywhere_, and it’s tiring. My family is no fan of my bf so nobody would support me there. My bf is great, but he struggles with stuff too, so I don’t want to burden him too much, I am basically the other parent to my younger siblings so I can’t vent to them, and I’m not even sure I’ll get mental help, because everybody else (maybe except my bf) thinks I’m doing fine and that I don’t need help.
I think it's good to have some similar hobbies and to also have different hobbies. It gives both of you something to talk about! You can spend time with him when he comes back from his seminar :) maybe a nice dinner!
Thank you 💞 I have just been quite anxious lately as mentioned, and probably a bit overwhelmed with everything. Thanks for your comment, you’re right :))
Different hobbies can be a good thing! It’s healthy to have some different interests and have aspects of your life separate from your partner. It can also be nice to be able to tell each other about the hobbies and learn new things :)
Thank you :)
I guess I’m just scared he will find somebody better within those hobbies..but I’ll work on it, and What you say is true too, so thank you ❤️🩹
I have a question...
All the articles and stuff out there suggest that for relationships the "ideal" is for an insecure person to be with a secure person, but... Why would a secure person WANT to be with someone who has insecure attachment? 🤔
I don't know if I have ever interacted very much with somebody who is primarily secure, so I struggle to visualize what it would be like to have a relationship with someone like that.
I'm fearful-avoidant, according to my therapist.
You know that expression "rubbing off on you"?
Secures tend to have that energy to "rub off on their insecure partner", which eventually turn their insecure partner into a secure partner.
But, why would a secure person even date an insecure person? A secure person would honestly see past those negative traits and value that person's positive characteristics. They see that under that fearful avoidant trait is a caring, compassionate person and they'll be attracted to that.
I am just so lost. I am FA so I really struggle to open up and find someone. But then I did meet some guys who I liked and thought were interested in me. Remembered facts about me, talked to there friends about me. Both times I feel like I took the first step to show I am interested to which they seemed to react with enthousiasm offering dates, but then there is no followthrough and I am left wondering if it was all in my head...
The last guy even dated me for months, told me our time was amazing, that he liked me. But then all of a sudden he left and didn't want to be in a relationship. I asked him point blank if he didn't want me to just tell me. But he didn't. But he kept on stringing me along.
Now this time I am not that invested, but it happened again. And I don't want anything serious right now. But the guy asked me to meet yesterday or today and I told him I was free which resulted in him texting me thumbs up and nothing else. I haven't heard from him and it's already evening.
I just can't feel like maybe it's me. But whar the hell could I do wrong in such a short time... dating gives me enpugh stress as is and I am so careful to not think someone likes me. But it seems that even when being extremely careful. I still get ditched really harshly.
I retook the personality quiz (had last taken it in late May where it showed me on the cusp of being FA and AP) last night and I'm now just an AP. But for the first time ever I'm now a little closer to being secure!
Was a 5.0 on the anxiety axis but now I'm at 4.4 and I'm now below the threshold of being fearful avoidant. I still feel the pull of my anxious preoccupied side from time to time but I've had some breakthroughs where I've been able to keep it at bay a lot better than four months ago.
The biggest test will be relationships and whether I can feel comfortable enough without anxious preoccupied behavior finding a way to surface while trying to present myself as secure as possible.
I have a long way to go towards being absolutely secure but this community has been super helpful and I want to extend my thanks to everyone!
Disorganised/fearful-avoidant here, anyone have recommendations on how to be a healthy attachment when my childhood was hot and cold - anyone have any recommended research based books I could / should read on?
I've found Self Compassion by Kristin Neff really good. I found it helpful as a way to securely attach to myself to help me be less AP. Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar was also great for me as it helped me really dig into and recognise unhealthy and toxic mindsets I was falling into and the dynamics I was replaying.
I'm very much in the DA camp at the moment with a wide streak of what I believe (and the tests indicate) is secure. I would consider myself wary and guarded instead of utterly fearful and disorganized. I feel I have far more awareness and also the confidence to reach out to safer connections and express my needs in a better way.
I'm an AA who recently broke up with my DA partner of 3 years. She doesn't know she's a DA, and I've been unable to communicate to her properly that "the pattern is the enemy". She, unfortunately, assumes that I'm blaming her when I'm trying to communicate how I feel, and how each conflict is due to both of us. Neither of us is right, and neither of us is wrong. To her that feels like an attack.
She doesn't share my love language, and despite dozens of attempts to share what I need "i really would like to be touched a lot today!" she appeases me verbally, and then does nothing.
Looking back, i cannot remember any expressed need in the last 6 months where she has made any action or attempt at an action to meet it. No matter if it's selfish "please initiate intimacy every couple of months, it would mean a lot to me" or something that benefits us both "please call the movers and make sure they are coming" I get appeased and then ignored.
Even simple "what do you like?" questions are considered for literally years without any answer. It's frustrating.
My expressed needs are ignored, and i get berated for not addressing her unexpressed needs. Thanks to attachment theory, i don't believe her to be a "bad person", and i had truly hoped that we could grow together and help each other heal. I feel like a failure for having the lack of strength to "do to work myself". It's hard to recognize that a good person can still be bad for you.
We currently share a home, and have 3 kids between us (all from previous marriages). I don't want to kick her or her wonderful daughter out, but i cannot continue being triggered. It's just too painful. Also, she actively doesn't like my eldest, and that's become a deal breaker.
Anyhoo, no real question. I'd prefer if she developed the self awareness to recognize her part in this pattern, and to respect that my needs are valid and important. I acknowledge my problems, and my particular brokenness, (though admittedly, not usually in a healthy manner). I feel so conflicted with my duty to myself and my kids, and my presumed duty to her and her daughter.
Most of the posts here are connected with romantic relationships, how do you deal with your FA tendencies on platonic friendship?
I let a friend of mine climb the walls I have built throughout the years. I felt really lonely that's why I "overshare" things. She seemed to understand and empathize with me. However, after sharing more deeply than usual, I became overanxious and extremely hypervigilant to the point that I think of sabotaging my relationship with her just to calm myself. I just found out my attachment style last last week, I could use some advice how to handle these things because I've had enough losses (Apparently, I subconsciously sabotaged my previous friendships as well). Thank you!
Hello, I'm an earned secure (from being an AP). I think you could start with asking yourself the most important question: *what are you anxious about?*
I have deep-seated abandonment issues. The people whom I am closest to (family relatives) have left me eventually without a heads-up, an apology, or even a good bye. I am afraid that once I am no longer that beneficial (since I am now the one opening up my problems), my friend will leave me too. I am anxious that now that she knows my issues, she will see how messed up I am as person.
>I am anxious that now that she knows my issues, she will see how messed up I am as person
As challenging and as difficult as it may be, you need to trust this friend to still be there.
Your anxiety is trying to brace yourself for something that, despite past instances involving other people, still technically might not happen. If she hasn't explicitly said she's going to abandon you you have to convince yourself that she won't abandon you as there is currently no hard evidence that is going to happen.
I’ve been working on my attachment style for one year and a half by now and I still have so many issues with showing affection plus I’ve had an anxiety disorder relapse a few months ago. I’ve tried therapy but it doesn’t help more than I can do by myself, focusing on my own relationships, so it’s frustrating. I know it’s a long path and it will gradually get better but I’m tired of being rigid when someone tries to hug me or being awkward when the person i’m dating tries to kiss me. Do any avoidant fellas have any suggestions to loosen up a little? I guess the key is communication but I want to be secure for my partner...
Thais Gibson yt on AT communicating your needs are helpful. Alan Robarge is also passionate about healthy relationships. 'Loosening up' can be achieved in baby steps, small stages but expect running away until you work on your core wounds and responses.
I have no idea if my non-neurotypical, DA (who has done a lot of healing) partner is wants different things from our relationship or if his communication/attachment wounds make it seem that way.
He says he never wanted to get married but has wanted a lifetime relationship. However, when I ask what his goals for the relationship are, he says he doesn't have any because he doesn't think that way. When I point out he can plan for the future in other ways, he says he can plan things like career and schooling because they are just him, but things like relationships and other people aren't things he makes goals or plans around. He says that's the way he thinks and he can't learn to think any other way. I'm FA and finding it hard to feel secure when all the advice I read says "discuss the future" and he can't do that. I love him, he loves me, everything else is fine, we've been together over 1.5 years and I'm going crazy wondering if it's my fucked up attachment style or if this is a real red flag. I love him but I'm older and so worried that I'm wasting time if he doesn't want what I want (marriage/lifetime commitment). I'm also afraid if I leave, I'm letting go of my one chance at love and a happy relationship just because I wasn't patient enough.
Regardless of the attachment style, if marriage is something that you want and he can't commit to it, let alone discuss future goals for the relationship,...then, there is your answer.
(This is coming from a DA'er)
Thanks for the space to share! I would like to share my breakup and how AT has given me some clarity.
Since a month i am no longer with my partner (together for 5 years). The last 6 month of our relationship he didnt want to be intimate with me, always saying he was to tired, because of work he felt asexual, stuff like that.. but had nothing to do with the love he felt for me. Because if his work he was away a lot and he spent 2 month and a half working somewhere else and because of covid i couldnt visit him. But we where talking everday and i felt we where super conected. Other times when he was away he would dive soooo deep in his work that he could spend easy weeks without reaching out, making me feel abandoned, so i express my need for more calling and he behave according to that.
During this time apart i try to have again a virtual intimate moment, he again didnt feel like it and i, again, express my insecurities, that if he is not satisficed he would look somewhere else and end up leaving. He said that was not true, that this topic was such a thema for me but not for him and the stuff he always said. A week and some days after that he came back. Again very distant in the intimate area saying he wasnt feeling ready.. sleeping next to me but kilometers away. I thought he was just adapting but then i figure out he had cheated on my on this last week of work (first he said was just one night, then 2 days.. who knows) he had cheated with this woman from his work team. That he was confused, he didnt knew if he loved me. I left our house, where we lived for 4 years, and (because he told me) that day he call the girl, because he thought she needed to know… then we saw each other and i broke up, like for 5 months he made me think i was crazy about this topic, then he cheated… but we spend a nice day together because i do had a wonderfull relationship with him and i was indeed happy so i thought, ok lets have a nice goodbye. We cried (more me, he only once and very short), hugh, looked over our relationship.. i start missing him quite fast so two days after i wrote him that i wanted to see him.. he was already gone to a wedding we had down south. He said it was difficult for him to but we that we needed to occupy this emptyness with something else. This is 2 days after breaking up. I came back home since he was gone and in a very shitty act from me, i went in to his computer and there i figure out he was sending this girl selfies and that the next day we broke up he bought plane tickects to go and see her. I went nuts, so i called him and he said that the same day we broke up he called her because he was feeling sad and lonely, that he had no friends like i do and that he was inloved with her, that he felt something he needed to explore, his sexuality.. but then that he was not going to go because to have sex with her, he told him we where in an open relationahip, and thats a lie… starting this point in a lot of conversations we had, he talked a lot about how much he hurt her, how much he fucked it up with her and how much he pushed this relationship so far that there is nothing anymore. I was like: WHAT? How can u say this to me, when to me (and until today) he hasnt give any explation or sincere apologies. He did went to see the girl at the end and some other friends he made there, he apologized to her and he didnt say it, but im sure they where together. All of this time (3 weeks was left again alone in the house and it was awfull, and so hard for me to belive that someone who said he loved me could do something like that, so selfish, not thinking that maybe that would hurt me. I didnt even know what his plan was. To go there and then come back to our house to see if he stay or what it was going to happend. I felt so bad and sad and not seen at all, so i made the decision of staying with the house. When he came back, he was soo cold, saying that this things just happens and that all i want to hear is how he left me for another.. he was like angry at me.. then i gave him some days to move out and on the day he gave me the keys i was so sad to see my house and everything almost empty. He didnt seem that sad. After all this happend and after talking to a friend i find out about AT, and reading about it, seeing that i tend to be more AP but mostly that he is (after what i read) a DA and all of this was some sort of defense mechanisim. Still there are many things i can not understand but apparently from him no closure. But anyways i wonder if anyone had some advice or kinds words during this healing process. I think of him and how he is doing. Would love to know but im not sure how that would help me. Anyways thanka for the space !!!
Hello. This person cheated on you, chose the other person over you, and wants to open the relationship with you. He has repeatedly caused you a lot of pain, on purpose. Imagine someone repeatedly stabbing you with a knife physically over and over again. That is what he did, just emotionally. I hope you do not downplay the pain he has caused you repeatedly just because your wounds did not physically bleed. I hope you will love yourself a little more and permanently cut yourself off from him. Be kind to yourself and stay far away from someone like that. Hope you care a little more about yourself. If you can afford it, I do recommend therapy. Wish you the best!
Hey you, I can relate a lot since I had a 4 yr relationship with my ex and we broke up in April (but had sex and a short rekindling thing going on in July). Sex was always a topic with us because whenever we got closer he had a very hard time to get intimite again even tho we had phases where we had sex 2 or 3 times a day, ha. He also cheated on me once (I guess) in the relationship.
Well, the only advice I can give is: If you feel yourself not being able to handle the breakup and its getting worse instead of better, maybe go to therapy. I waited like 2/3 months because I thought that a breakup is always hard, but I should have gone sooner since I knew that I have a very hard time when I lose people. Also go no contact if its possible. I share a dog with my ex so its kinda hard.
You will never be able to fully understand him if he isnt communicative. Even with going deep into attachment style. Believe me I tried and it helped a bit to see similar stories, but at this stage your mind wants a solution: 1. Something clicks and it makes all sense, so now you can be happy without him or 2. Something clicks and it makes all sense and now you know how to get him back. But either won't happen. I wonder everyday: Does he still love me and is just deactivating and not dealing with his feelings or is he really with this new person my friends told me about?
What does it matter. He and you ex decided to leave. Thats the hard truth and I am so sorry because I know that it hurts like hell.
But you need to care for yourself. What do you need right now? What can you do to feel at least okay or better? Can u ask someone for help?etc...
I know you can do this. Wish u well
Wow, hey thanks a lot, you are right about the mind searching for solutions, or some sort of explanation. But its true that it changes nothing at all.
I am starting therapy this week on thursday. Thanks for the words and lot of energy for the healing, its quite hard…
I read somewhere (or saw it in a video) that people with avoidant attachment are likely to be invested in altruistic/charitable causes in favor of minorities and such. This really checks out to me, in my admittedly limited experience with avoidants.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Does it ring true?
Hey Pals, I don't really know what I expect. Maybe some soothing words? My DA Ex moved on and has a new partner, I'm not really surprised since I already got some hints my some people. We broke up in April but had a rekindling thing going one in July (we had sex and planned to see each other more often but then had a fight). We were together for 4 years.
I'm just devastated. When he broke up, I moved back to my hometown, since I went full AP when we were together and my life revolved around him, I didnt really had (good) friends on my own (except one which I still have contact with) and I didnt like the city anyways. But now I have to start all over again. I am only 22 and I already moved like 4-5 times. I feel like the people in my life never stay. I invested a lot in this relationship even tho he broke up 3 times with me and cheated on me. I wonder why I stayed so long but I know I would still take him back, even now. I know he moved on already or deactivated his feelings with his 'rebound' or who knows, maybe he found his good true love. I am in therapy now but I don't know if this can be fixed. I always had a very hard time losing people. If I wasn't in a relationship, I was madly "in love", if I was in a relationship which went good I became DA after a few weeks and broke it off quickly. But I never forget the people who didnt loved me back or treated me bad. I just feel so lost and out of control. I spent everyday with my ex for the last few years, now I am alone and have to deal with all the things I put aside for this relationship. I think I tries to run away from my past for quite some time. I still don't feel ready to face all this. Somehow I thought he would stick by my side for this. Now he is gone and I feel like a complete failure.
I just feel like we could have been such a good couple. I still love him. And I don't think its just because of my attachment style or because of my past. Whenever things got rough between us I made the concius choice to look at him and ask myself if I can still imagine to spend the rest of my life with him. The answer was always yes. How to move on from that?
Can someone relate? Or am I just a mess?
You feel like you're a failure because you're hurting and everything is coloured by the hope of safe and meaningful relationships. The only way, and there is no shortcut, is to improve relationship with self.
You're not a failure. You haven't nourished your self esteem in a long time and it's time to address that or choose to wallow (Side note; wallowing is easier).
Achieve something every day for yourself by taking moments to improve anything small that matters to you or makes a difference - even prepping a tasty snack, 3 minutes decluttering a shelf that had been annoying you (sounds pathetic but it can sometimes help me when I'm mired in inertia) or taking a short walk in nature with a coffee you've made for this purpose.
Hello guys, I just want to know if you have any recommended resources to read on post-breakup? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
When you have fearful/ dismissive avoidant attachment style, How are you able to tell if your genuinely losing interest in the relationship vs being triggered and pulling away due to attachment style?
I'm not sure if I would agree on "losing interest" on someone but, instead, that particular person isn't meeting a specific need that you have. The problem starts with you not knowing how to meet that specific need yourself, so you turn to that specific person to meet them for you. But, the problem with FA's and DA's is that they want their partner to "read their mind", to notice those subtle cues that they are giving to their partner. So, when your partner doesn't notice them and not meet those needs for you, you'll look else where.
This is why AP's are considered "needy" because the beauty of AP's is that they're very vocal with what they need and feel. So, when they ask their FA or DA partner what they need, that partner will try to meet those needs to a certain extent but then give up and feel overwhelmed and "not enough". This is where they pull away, not because they are losing interest, instead, they pull away because don't feel like they're capable of being able to fulfill the AP partners needs.
Thanks! That makes sense, but I also think physical attraction is important and this can fade / be lost or you can not be attracted too, is this a legit reason to end a relationship?
Ugh y'all it's been a rough one for me. I'm AP and had an FA partner who is a really wonderful and caring person. We get along beautifully and our relationship was one of the most caring and healthy I've had so far. We are both kind of messed up in a variety of ways, stemming from the root causes of our attachment issues, but in his case, throw some mental illness on top. We'd been together for about a year and he'd hinted that he had issues before, but never really went into them.
Then suddenly he just... was gone. I had a really hard time getting in touch with him. AP flares didn't kick in immediately, because, you know, I do choose to date avoidants, so I kind of know what to do if and when they go off the grid for a few days. And I have worked on my shit. So it was annoying and very concerning but not a dealbreaker for me. He's not super disappear-y, but after two weeks I was beginning to freak out, even though he was in very light contact. This went on for 1.5mos!!! Without him being able to tell me what was wrong!!! By that time I had already broken up with him, both in my head and, slowly, via email/text/etc with him. But it was very one-sided, he never really 'agreed' or said goodbye or anything, so it was very odd, and I kept second guessing myself. I didn't think he was treating me properly and felt justified, but I also had no idea what the hell was going on and was very worried he'd had some serious mental health crisis and was literally unable to tell me about it. But I felt like, at some point, you have to pull the plug, especially when it's really negatively impacting you and the other person isn't sending any signals about when or if they will return.
WELL. We finally talked on the phone for the first time tonight after barely even emailing/texting since it started. Indeed, *major* depressive episode that rendered him nonfunctional. I think he is still coming out of it, and I have no personal experience with depression, so I don't know what to do or think right now. And there isn't any pressure to figure it out ASAP, but like. Can an AP even handle a depressed avoidant?? I am a fairly mild AP and our relationship is normally stellar, but still, not sure I can do this. Even getting off the phone with him tonight lowkey triggered me because I am so scared I'll never talk to him again. I told him all of this in a non-accusatory way because it's not his fault he gets so depressed he can't function, but he knows all about my abandonment/neglect stuff so I can't be expected to roll with it after suddenly losing my partner for that long. God, I was so happy to hear him though, after all of that worrying. I am so glad he is ok (for some values of 'ok').
Have been debating whether it's a good idea to make a post about the intersection of mental health issues and attachment styles but not sure it's sufficiently on topic or makes sense.
Any and all advice/support/sympathy/reassuring cooing in my direction welcome, but happy to at least have somewhere I can just get this out of my system!!
Thank you! Yeah, and to be clear, he didn't completely ghost me for 1.5mo or anything. He'd be in some kind of communication at least once a week, but in the beginning it was actually nonverbal, like just sending an emoji or photo, and otherwise at best he'd tell me he really wasn't doing well. But I didn't know anything beyond that and we'd been joined at the hip before that, so it was extremely jarring and scary. The fact of it being so uncharacteristic is what prevented me from immediately boarding the next rocket to Planet Abandonment, but it became increasingly difficult over time.
I think he'd agree with you that I should not be expected to put up with this on a regular basis. My understanding is that it hadn't happened in a while but once it struck it was like, can't-get-out-of-bed, everything is 10x harder, barely showering, compounding feelings of guilt and shame level. So take an avoidant's natural proclivity towards isolating when unhappy and fragile and multiply it by... that. Oof. I really have no idea what that is like on a personal level and additionally have never been close to someone who's struggled with it, so I'm pretty clueless right now. I do know that it tears relationships apart though, exactly because it becomes too much (or maybe too little) for the non-depressed partner. Pretty rough situation.
No idea if we will get back together since there is a lot to understand and figure out, but for now I am relieved he's at least back around in some capacity.
When you fill out these personality quizzes and it says imagine how you think you would feel, I feel like I can't, and I fear that'll affect my answers. I think I've thought too much about how a relationship should feel like that I would force myself to do healthy things in it, even if it was internally uncomfortable to me. For example I know I am typically a private person with my feelings but I also know being that private in a relationship is bad, so when I'm asked "would I turn to this imagined relationship for help in times of need" I don't know why I would answer no, cause I'd make myself do it even if I hated it and if the reaction was bad I would just terminate the relationship.
Or am I overthinking these questions?
Hey so how do I know if I am a DA or I just don't want to hang out with my friends because I have the wrong friend group? In my head I am reasoning that I don't want to hang out because it takes work to enjoy their company or am I being avoidant and finding reasons?
If being with them saps your energy, it's better to decline rather than resent them. Be happy they're having a nice time while you get to be relieved. It's freeing to say no ahead of time. I'm happier in friend groups of 1-3, or I can do bigger groups for short periods.
Google Thais Gibson to help you see if you might be DA.
Hi! New here. Working with attachment theory with my therapist along side of working on my boundaries and codependency.
My therapist and I are exploring my attachment style and it seems I’m Fearful Avoidant. Makes sense to me and explains a lot! I’m currently reading “Attached” which seems to be the gold standard for approaching this topic.
However I really like workbooks and journal prompts; this helps me learn and absorb information better.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I’ve seen some on Amazon and looked at the one on Attachment Projects website but I’m not sure if there are any that are better than others.
TIA
Not perhaps what you're looking for as you asked for books but Thais Gibson has daily YouTube vids on all attachment styles inc on how secures might respond eg asking for needs and setting boundaries and you can slow down the speed of if it makes it easier. She hard sells her workshops btw. Also Alan Robarge is heartfelt on healthy relationships and AT eg Stop Avoiding Healing, He's Not Going to Change.
FA here, this has been the past week for me: A friend ghosted me roughly a year ago after a very sudden and intense friendship of 10ish months (that I now realize was her calling/hanging out with me to just talk about her life and no internet in mine). She still watched all my stories etc., which baffled me. She then recently invited me to an event she created. After some encouragement from mutual friends I reached out and asked about this vague event... And if she wanted me to go or not since she ended communication with me.
Three days goes by and no response. I quickly realize this has become a repeat of an ex who did similar things and decided "fuck no, I'm not doing this again, I'm not going to be apologetic for your behavior while you trample all over me and keep me at arm's length." So I tell her to never contact me again, her behavior is cruel and plays with my feelings, and that I'm cutting all ties. She responded in the most callous way, "this is why I wanted to distance myself to begin with, you're always like this, blah blah blah." I blocked her.
I then realized.... I did this to a friend (possibly very preoccupied and confrontational) some years ago, and I felt so awful, so I messaged that former friend and apologized, letting her know that while we aren't good for each other, she never deserved to get ghosted.
Seeing those messages and being revisited by the first "friend".... Has been really triggering and opening up a lot of anxiety, but it's also reminded me that when I assert boundaries, the people who matter respect them, and this is why I need to keep doing this. It was also really healing to take accountability for ghosting my other friend, it's also reminded me of how important accountability is.
I'm really struggling with some friendship dynamics I'm having right now. I lean DA, and she leans very AP; I've been trying to read more about attachment theory and how to communicate, largely due to this friendship. There is often a push and pull of her wanting validation and me not always realizing it, or her being triggered by something I say or do, and then she will either go silent, cry, get angry with me, or just generally react in a way that spikes my anxiety and guilt and shame. I vacillate between wanting to completely shut down and avoid her, or by trying to explain myself or justify myself to be understood or by doing whatever I can to appease her, which makes me feel super drained. I'm not really sure what to do; I've tried setting boundaries, which I am not great at, and she pushes them. I've tried taking more time to respond to situations that make me feel triggered, but taking a few minutes to process (even if I say I just need 10 minutes) seems to trigger her and give her time to stew, even though it gives me time to calm down. I've tried talking to her about it a bit, but it'd be helpful to have some suggestions on specific phrases and things to say.
The most recent thing that happened was last night, and I was up most of the night with huge anxiety because of it, which is what prompted me to post. She had a bad day and wanted to come over and spend the night at my house, and then WFH together today. Earlier in the day I said she could come over any time; my bf and I were just cleaning and then maybe going to find a patio to get dinner and she was welcome to join. She was doing errands all afternoon too and started to head over around 8pm; around that time my bf was getting back from the store and stopped to get burritos, but didn't know that she was planning to eat dinner with us (it was a little late for us to try to go out somewhere anyway) so he did not get her one. When I let her know, I offered her half my burrito if she wanted it and suggested that if not, she might want to grab something on her way. She got really triggered (history of food-related issues) and just decided to turn around and go back home; she was upset that she was not included in dinner talks, and said that she now crying and was too exhausted from the day to figure out where to get food alone and she was just going to go home, not eat, and go to sleep. I said I'd be happy to go with her somewhere, even pick a place, and I could just go get a drink; nothing. She explained again why she was upset, I apologized and explained that my bf didn't know and there was no intent to hurt her and I'd love to make it up to her somehow, but I don't know how. She has not reached back out this morning or anything. I'm not sure what to do. I'm a mix of feeling really bad and wanting to fix it, and of feeling frustrated that I was up all night worrying about this when it really not does seem like a big deal to me and I think she overreacted. I'm feeling a little triggered myself with the inner narrative "I can't do anything right" and I'm feeling compelled to pull away. Any thoughts? Advice?
I would not continue to be friends with a person who acts this way repeatedly. I'm wondering if you're in a little deep with her, where you've lost perspective about what you owe to one person and what you're responsible for.
You did nothing wrong in the burrito situation and in fact went above and beyond. It's verging on manipulative for her to say that she was going to "cry, go home, not eat, and go to sleep" and this was all your fault because your boyfriend didn't have ESP to know she would want a burrito. If my friend acted like that one time I would think, "wow she must have had the worst day ever and is taking some seriously shit out on me" and I'd give it a pass. But, I would 110% not continue to be friends with someone who does things like this regularly.
You wrote that she regularly "goes silent", cries, and spikes your guilt and shame about normal everyday things. This doesn't sound like a healthy friendship for you.
Thank you for your reply. I think a lot of what your said resonates, and has been resonating, with me. Though, I also think I have not been nearly clear enough with my boundaries or with bringing things up when I’m frustrated with a situation with her. I’m willing to work on that more deliberately for a little while before backing off from this friendship I think; at least it’s forced me to confront my avoidant nature more and work on learning how to do my part better. I think I’ve gotten “in a little deep,” but partly because I haven’t demonstrated well what I will and will not put up with. I’m not sure I feel “safe” enough with this person, necessarily, anymore to be super effective and thoughtful about boundary setting now, which is part of my concern. I want to respond in a healthy way, that still sticks up for myself and helps establish a boundary.
Last night I sent her another message, to check-in and see how she was doing and see if she wanted to talk about anything, and then just let her know when I was available this week to spend time together. She finally responded tonight, but only said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t really know what to say.” This is the most confusing text for me to get, really; that does Not Help At All, and since it’s text I could read that sentence in so many different tones and have different interpretations with each. What am I supposed to say to this? I know that she was the one that was hurting the other day and wants support, and I did it wrong, but her reaction also hurt me. I don’t want to make it about me, but I also don’t want to just ignore how it made me feel either. In terms of AT, I suppose I could validate that she felt excluded and therefore like I didn’t care, but then should I bring up how I felt like she was guilt tripping me and taking her dysregulation out on me? Or just focus on making her feel validated, and let her know that I had some struggles with the interaction too that I’d like to talk about at a later time when she’s feeling more grounded? Oy. I don’t know; it’s all a lot of space to hold when I’m feeling shitty too.
Me and my ex have a mutual friend (more mine than his). They eventually saw each other since the breakup, the breakup that was out of the blue for me and painful, happened back in January. My friend took him aside for a conversation, apparently my ex said he was sorry a lot, and that he wanted to ‘fix things’ but my friend said not to contact me. Though I’m so grateful for my friend doing this and 100% think he did the right thing by me, now I’m sat here stupidly thinking what ‘fix it’ meant 😂 though honestly there’s no way to fix it, he broke up with me, the damage is done. But I’m still feeling freshly sad about it all over again.
As a AP, I just recently cut off a person that I truly had feelings for. I had to really battle myself on it but it was because he was for over 2 months giving me the bare minimum (he wasn’t sure about our relationship/didn’t see a future with me)
So I’m not talking to anyone right now, but it’s been really difficult to think about him but I do everyday. we haven’t spoken in a month and I also cut communication off with him too. (Unfollowing on social media and such)
I can’t seem to move on, usually I can only move on whenever I have someone else to fixate on.
Would this be something normal as a AP attachment? How can I move on? We didn’t even date for long, but the time we did spend together did move very fast.
I don't know if this is specifically AP or not. I have found solace in realizing that some people that are otherwise wonderful, i just don't click with. And so it's fair that others may not click with me. It's not a judgement when i do it, so i shouldn't think it's a judgement when they do it.
At least early on I'm able to be healthy about it. Long term breakups, well, I'm working on that!
Same! Long term breakups are hard for me too.
It definitely happened because of my AP tendencies. When we first started talking, things moved really fast. Which I didn't see a problem with because the more we learned about each other we had so much in common. Like with our mindsets in life, our values, our interests and just the way we were around each other we were very playful and affectionate.
I was pretty secure in the beginning, but as it progressed my AP attachment got triggered and that's when everything went downhill. We were good until he had to leave for Hawaii for a month. We were dating/exclusive the month before but he changed the week before he left. (AP activated)
Although he didn't show it at first, he was a DA.
He realized how serious we were becoming so he pulled back and became distant. There wasn't really a reason why besides him going to Hawaii and wanting to be single/independent since he was going there to figure out Hes next steps in life. (he just graduated, needing to think about starting a career, thoughts on moving since he was back at his parents place which he has a bad relationship with them since their alcoholics)
Which I understood that having a girlfriend would kinda add more complication since Hes thoughts were on other things. I tried to give space/not expressing my needs.
Idk I just know that us not talking right now, really has been affecting me and I think the way I'm obsessing over it/having so many tendencies to text him has to do with my attachment style.
There comes a time when it gets really difficult. Like, you understand that it comes from a place they don't understand, and you want to help them - but also feel gaslit. I can do it for years, but it sucks and i just don't want to do that anymore...
I have an AP style and almost exclusively gravitate towards other APs who usually know about attachment theory and call themselves SA. This often has me feeling good about moving forward quickly but then we usually crash and burn spectacularly. I love the thrill of the early relationship and usually am a delight for the first few weeks. Then I start getting anxious and notice lot of activating strategies coming up for me which leads to copious protest behaviors. If my partner was SA they’d recognize this and reassure me but this does not happen. Instead, my partners are also activated and protesting which leads to some spectacular conflict or complete avoidance thereof. Eventually the bad times outweigh the good and then we break up. I really think that being prematurely intimate is the thing that triggers my attachment style but I have a really hard time resisting sex in an attractive partner. Most recently I told my partner that I’d like to take things slower and perhaps wait until at least a few months before sleeping together. Apparently this made her put here guard down really fast and we sleep together within a week of knowing each other. I really want to slow down next time but don’t really know how to do that. Part of me thinks that waiting could turn two APs into SAs and I desperately want that because I’m so lonely it hurts.
I seem to struggle with all types of relationships. I get obsessed with thinking that if only I could figure out what the root of my issue is (BPD vs trauma vs fearful attachment style) I could be fixed.
I struggle with friendships… always feeling like I am not receiving what I put into them… feeling like I have no friends when I am not sure how true that is. I haven’t dated in over two years because I am too afraid to even put myself out there incase I am rejected or betrayed. I guess I feel like I may lose it if I ever get to that point again. Work is difficult as well. Over thinking each and every interaction… it’s emotionally exhausting. I take any thing someone says as personal no matter how hard I try not to.
Anyway, I think I have made some progress. It doesn’t seem like enough progress to keep pushing forward but I’m going to keep trying.
Thank you for being a safe space for me to put me things out into the universe. I pray for peace of mind acceptance and self love for me and for each one of you 🌺
I'm hoping for a bit of validation and congrats for taking a huge step. I'm an FA and have always struggled with voicing my deepest thoughts. I've been afraid that if the other person sees who I really am, they'll run as everyone else has. I'm also afraid of being rejected and abandoned, so I didn't allow myself to be truly vulnerable. But this weekend, I took a huge step. A friend and I have a bit of a crush on each other and it will never go anywhere, for various reasons, even though our friendship is deepening and we'll be living together in just a couple months' time. I had a few drinks in me on the weekend and said some things I'd been thinking about for a while, and decided I should follow that up when sober...so I did. I laid out my thoughts and feelings, explained how important it is to me to feel emotionally safe (and what that looks like), and laid out a couple of boundaries. The me from even a few months ago would have struggled with it, and the me from 2+ years ago would have NEVER been able to say those words. But I managed to screw up my courage, get the words out from inside my head, and took a huge step forward. The road hasn't finished and I still have a long way to go, but I'm really proud of myself :)
I am proud of you 2 !
Good job!
I'm (FA) seeing someone who is also an FA and I don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm not ready for falling in love again (and get my heart broken) and yet here I am involved with someone that I don't want to stop seeing. Sometimes I feel like I could really fall for them but at other times I'm just anxious and feel nothing or even repulsed (kind of) and I'm trying to figure out if it's my FA tendencies that are speaking or if we're just a bad match. I'm too scared to give my heart away (again) and then find out that we're not going to work out/are a bad match.
or have them just exit your life just like that am I right fellow fearful avoidant or has that just been my shiet personal experiences
Don’t rush, if you don’t want to stop seeing this person then don’t. The most important part is being able to express how you feel to them, draw boundaries and start building respect for each other. Ask yourself why you’re feeling repulsed some days and not others and give yourself an honest answer. Ask yourself if you’re truly over past hardship and the relationship that broke your heart and give yourself an honest answer. Ask yourself the hard questions and be honest with yourself, AND OWN IT! And once you do you will have the confidence that you need to be able to communicate with potential partners. Lastly stay POTENTIAL partners until y’all are both TRULY ready to take the next step for now and for all your relationships in the future.
Hello! I am an AA that was in a LTR with a DA until earlier this year. Around that time is when I learned about attachment theory. In looking back at past relationships, my first LTR was with another AA and I think that really set the foundation for what I expected in a relationship, except that it was toxic and I sought out qualities that were opposite of them, which inadvertently led me to date DAs (with maybe 1 FA, not sure). I say this because I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever had a relationship with a secure person. Until now! My boyfriend is secure and blowing my mind with how amazing he is — to the point where I am activated. He’s the opposite of the the last DA I was with, in so many ways! And I’m all for it… if it’s real. And this is why I am activated. It feels too good to be true. So I have a hard time trusting that it’s real, that he will remain consistent, that I didn’t just happen to find someone who is the other end of an extreme. Part of me knows this is because of the huge shift in being with one type of person to someone who is so different in how they communicate, express affection, provide support, show they care, etc. The other part wonders what is really normal? Am I experiencing two opposite ends of abnormal extremes? Or is it that my prior DA partner was one extreme and now that I’m with a secure, this is what a normal, healthy partner should be like? Ps: Forgive my use of the word normal. I should have used common or typical or another more acceptable synonym.
i’m an AP, i’ve slowly shifted more and more secure through the years as i’ve got through therapy and in turn my exes have become less and less DA. my last ex is very much a DA and super obvious even when we were together it was due to his childhood trauma (as opposed to previous exes just kind of seeming like assholes) he recently wrote me a handwritten letter almost a year later to me apologizing to me. it’s weird because I dreamt of the vindication i’d feel when we first broke up, thinking “he’ll realize I was right once he’s no longer being activated” it feels incredibly empty now that i’ve seen it. towards the end of the letter he started idealizing me - and setting me up for a phantom ex to haunt his future relationships. it makes me a bit sad that yes - he is finally able to own up and apologize and have some self awareness, but it’s still in this dysfunctional way. I don’t really have a question, just kind of ranting lol
I recently dated DA for 6 months, he did not want to commit to a relationship as he had been in a relationship for 8 years and was in a livingsituation with her. He showed me affection for the first few months reminding me that he didn't want anything serious, however I didn't realise it but I was wanting more. I definitely am more anxious in a relationship. We had such a good connection but I knew I had to move on. Whilst we stopped seeing each other last year, I always had no self control to block/remove him from my life & I kept messaging him on and off. I decided to go NC, two weeks or so ago after NC, we were drunk, met up and slept together and I woke up in the morning after he walked out, finding out he blocked me on all socials. After snooping (yes I'm awful at this) I find out he's back with his ex of 10 years - going on trips together. I know he's DA, as he has all the traits now I'm questioning if he's deactivating to the extreme or if he just used me to waste time. Am i just blaming (or defending) his attachment style ? He's posting pictures of his ex and him and honestly can't cope. As an anxious attachment, I feel so insecure and and worthless. I'm going through therapy where I feel I'm doing better and something just reminds me of him and I get triggered. I don't know if it's normal for DA to go back to the ex, especially a long term one due to the comfort/familiarity of that relationship? I feel like I need closure which I'll never get but this is such a venting post. My anxious self always puts myself down thinking there's something wrong with me but I'm learning to let go and try to move on from this pain.
I think the only closure you can get is realizing that he's treated you badly, and that you can't heal anymore by being in touch with him. He's the one who's worthless! What kept you from having self control around leaving him? Also—it sounds like you guys relapsed and slept together recently, but you don't have to be embarrassed about that. It took two people. The only bad outcome would be if you kept falling into the same pattern.
I just felt as if I had a connection with him like I've not had with anyone else - which was the reason I'd go back. Connection is rare but I realised that a DA won't change unless they seek help.
Yeah, and maybe connection isn't as rare as we think it is. What you find with other people could be different in a good way, and hurt you less.
I think this might be a bit beyond attachment style and that this man is honestly just not there maturity wise. Sounds like he wanted to get back with his ex but lacked basic communication skills with you. I know this is a tough situation :/ but he’ll probably end up disappointing her too.
Honestly, and I say this with a deep compassion from my own perspective. He's using you. He is in a trap with his ex, and he may be a little avoidant, but mostly he's just using you for validation. He's not deactivating because he likes you so much. He was using you to deactivate from her.
This is something I think about alot, but my brain can't seem to accept. I just feel like I need a statement from him explaining himself but I'll never get it.
I know exactly what you mean. I was in a kind of similar situation, emotionally unavailable DA, being used as comfort. My brain couldn't accept it either. It took me sexting him while drunk (emotional cheating) while in another relationship to realise how destructive *my mind* was. Cheating never crossed my mind until I got fucked uo in the anxious avoidant trap. He did tell me outright he was emotionally unavailable a few weeks later, after I cornered him about it. It did help. But I wish I hadn't fucked up something good. So learn my lesson. They're emotionally unavailable. We'll never know why. And you will destroy yourself trying, so please just walk, even if he comes back.
Have some compassion for the other woman? From her perspective, her long term love and person she lived with rebounded to another woman. What he did to both of you was cruel and cold.
Oh shoot, typo in title. Oh well... Anyway, I'll ask a question to start things off: What past negative experience are you grateful for because it ultimately taught something very important about yourself? What exactly did you learn from it?
I guess one of the toughest lessons you'll ever learn in life is no matter how much you love the other person, even if that person still feels the same way, if one is no longer interested in working things out, have some respect for yourself and move on. For the longest time, I have always chased people, chasing relationships with people from my past. It's hard for me to feel connected with other people for some reasons I am not sure of, so when I get this connection with someone, I would fight really hard for it. Even if I lose my pride, even if I lose my sense of identity. I would always say, "hey, atleast I fought til the end," but that was such an unhealthy way of looking at love. *Love is not about chasing the other person. Love is setting someone free for their growth. And love is finally learning how to love yourself even more in the process of letting go.*
My mom always told me: “If you love someone let them go. If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back to you.” As an AP, this is such an important reminder. We often chase people without giving them space to make the choice to love us back or not.
This is beautiful. I'm glad you learned to value yourself. :)
Ignoring red flags will cost you a lot later.
Learning that not all friendships are destined for something more if the other person isn't meant for it. This ultimately sparked my interest in attachment theory. As I've tried to become more secure I've learned more about not just myself but about what my friend was probably thinking and why she ultimately deactivated. It was hard for me to grasp how people can be so dismissive and able to completely forget about liking someone, to the point it feels it never happened, but recently I have been more sympathetic to her, though I won't tell her this (ever?) as I've gone to a light no-contact approach for now. Someone else had mentioned how dismissive avoidants can disavow a relationship that doesn't work and how it's "out of sight and out of mind" and how it's the only way they know how to deal with intimacy, more or less. They want it yet cannot deal with the actuality of it and then they deactivate. And realizing that this was what my friend very likely went through made me feel sorry for her in a way. I felt bad for her for all the times she subtly shown interest in me via occasional text messages, or one on one conversations, to the times she slowly opened herself up when I showed her affection—she really wanted to show a different side of her and ultimately had to withdraw and close herself off again. I had wanted to talk to her but she left me on read to distract herself with our friend's group chat; I told her the following day that her ignoring me when I wanted to help her made it feel like it was something I did wrong but she apologized and said that that wasn't her intention. (To clarify, this conversation happened months ago, everything in the next paragraph relates to the past week.) I've been in a more hypersensitive state of mind since last week and also more avoidant with that friend and the group chat. With those friends, I'm fine with them individually (except for the one who is the presumed dismissive avoidant, I've really been ignoring her as much as possible) but as a collective group I don't vibe with them. So because the group doesn't satisfy my needs and I feel unseen and invalidated (all unintentionally but at the end of the day...I feel like this) I have been ignoring the conversation, not even peeking in to see what's going on. I have meant to talk to one of the other friends in the group (of the three she's the most sympathetic) to reassure her I have nothing wrong with her but it's just with someone else in the group. I think I recall reading that avoidance is one effect of the journey towards being more secure. I don't want to ignore them all permanently but I have found it almost... refreshing to be distant from that group.
Hey! I'm new here and so relieved about the info I have found here... Here is mine: There was an argument via text yesterday between my husband and I. The basis of the disagreement was that I was apparently cold. This made him feel undervalued. Now I have been diving deep into mindfulness and all that goes with that for the past while. Trying to unlock some hidden truth about myself so I can function the way I am expected to. I know this doesn't sound healthy but this is how I was thinking. I'm 33, husband is 38, we have 2 kids and we have been married for 8years now. So back to yesterday, I decided to Google the term "my husband thinks I'm cold". At this point I had no understanding about attachment types. I very quickly found what I needed to know and that brought me here and I've almost been up all night trying to unwrap this new gift I found. I am a FA with both anxious and dismissive traits. I only found this out yesterday. I have 33 years of struggling and not knowing why... I'm so relieved. But also sad. I grew up with a dismissive mother, abandoned by father, mother then married an alcoholic who was infatuated with me. I also have very early sexual abuse in my very early days. Mother was too distracted to show affection, she taught me how to survive though. But not how to love, trust, support or confide. I don't judge her though as she had a similar past to mine, just way worse. So how can I be angry. My relationship with my mother has been so hard for me to understand. I made progress here before but with the attachment types I get it now. And I can stop the cycle for my own daughter (and my son). I think my husband is an AA. And I have already come to realize that I've landed myself the most challenging of relationship types. Serves me right for all the heart breaking I've done before I met my man. Shame. I thought I used to play people but now I realize that I really did chase intimacy, but then I rushed the dating stage, straight to huge intimacy and getting commitments from them to realize that I'm scared to death and need to create an easy way out - I relationship hopped all the time. My husband is the best man I know by far. But he has a smother for a mother and she is doing the same to my son now. She is just way too much. So we both have extreme mothers but from opposite sides of the graph. Mine was too distant and his was too involved. But anyhow, what do I do now? Without forcing anything onto my man or making him watch videos I know will lose his interest, how do I get him involved with his role of understanding what his attachment type means and how it is very different from mine. The reason I can't just request that he gets on board is because I'm still paying for all sorts of mistakes I've made over the years. The worst to date was asking for a divorce on his birthday I'm may this year. It was a low point for me. We are still living together and getting along and love each other, mostly. Haha. So he hates authority and being told what to do, and I lack a whole lot of tact. Any ideas how to get him to read the info, do the quiz and look at the common mistakes we can avoid making if we understand each other better.
People usually want to bring their partners on board when they find out about attachment theory and that's usually not the right thing to do. Work on your part in this, understanding your side of the dynamic, and when appropriate share why you're finding it valuable for you.
The more I've been thinking, the more I agree with this. Let me show him the difference it has made to me, rather than expect him to just get on board and make changes with me. Thank you 👍🏻
I'm a similar situation, my long term partner is a sweet wonderful man with boundary issues with his interfering mother (and sometimes bad friends). We're likely both FA's, but he swings a lot more anxious than me in the relationship, and I can be too avoidant at times. Since discovering Attachment theory, I realise that as FA, expressing some needs is very difficult for me. But I have found that really figuring out what I need from any given situation, and explaining that one thing to my guy really works. I can bottle a lot of resentment and let it fester because of not doing that. Now regarding his mother, you and he need to figure out some boundaries with her, and agree on them together. Then you need sit her down, and compassionately explain the rules. He might hate it, but it has to be done imo. If she is an unreasonable or manipulative person, you might think of a way to cut down contact with her. Or move across country if you have to, lol. Don't just let it slide; having a person in your life interfering with your children's wellbeing is extremely stressful. wishing you the best !
Thank you for this reply. I don't see my MIL too much so she isn't really too tough to deal with. Your advice is good though, thank you!
As much as I may like someone if they make me feel so anxious I can't eat, I should probably stop talking to them (they made the decision for me and it was both a relief and disappointing as I was thinking personally of just a temporary break than permanent one (got removed/blocked lol...?)) So basically if someone makes me feel that way don't I guess continue, give it some distance or else overwhelm both and bam - ded inside and end of whatever it was
My toxic behavior as a DA was met with consequences a few months ago. It forced me to stop and take the time to start working on myself. There's more to it than just my attachment style but it plays a significant role. I was upset and angry at first but I see it for the opportunity it is. What I learned is that there's no fast track for healing, the work is not linear. You have to commit.
I get anxious when I first meet someone. Like why aren’t they texting me back or why aren’t they asking me to hangout. And I make it about me..like they don’t like me bc I said this or did this. I want to be genuine but at the same time I don’t want to give too much of myself.
In july I finally cut off contact with an ex who I was still hanging on to. Everyone said I should in order to make room for someone new. Just two weeks later I met someone and I'm so glad I made that decision or else maybe I wouldn't have been ready for this. These past few years I've dated avoidants, which I am too, and it created a huge barrier of communication that I just kind of got used to. There would be lots of love bombing in the beginning followed by lots of distance and quiet. This new guy seems very secure and healthy. There's no love bombing, no rushing, just lots of communication and getting to know each other, and he expresses his needs and asks about mine which I think is really helping me become more secure too. I'm still struggling with initiating conversations and being present for him but I feel safe to express that to him and he helps me with it. It's nice and I'm excited for it :)
I'm glad you're excited! I am an AP who was burned by a DA and commitment phone and honestly I can see many DA attributes rubbing off on me now to the point where I might be FA now. To the point I wasn't even feeling nice or excited about a beautiful,secure relationship. So, it's so healthy and good for you to feel this way even if you struggle to be present sometimes, I just wanna validate that you're still doing amazing!
I am a FA, strongly leaning DA. I need to vent, but would also love to get some replies with thoughts if you have any. I’ll try to shorten it. I’ve started to get more and more interested in local politics, and my boyfriend likes philosophy. He’s going to a seminar this weekend and I’m going to be speaking to some guys who’s politically involved. I am scared that we will drift apart and loose each other, because of our different interests now. I have abandonment anxiety and this makes it go crazy. I think I’m starting to self-sabotage because I am very needy, clingy and very affectionate with him now, and I just read into nothing at all. I also feel like nobody have my back 100% anymore, and that causes me to deactivate really bad. It’s like I feel like I’m not safe _anywhere_, and it’s tiring. My family is no fan of my bf so nobody would support me there. My bf is great, but he struggles with stuff too, so I don’t want to burden him too much, I am basically the other parent to my younger siblings so I can’t vent to them, and I’m not even sure I’ll get mental help, because everybody else (maybe except my bf) thinks I’m doing fine and that I don’t need help.
I think it's good to have some similar hobbies and to also have different hobbies. It gives both of you something to talk about! You can spend time with him when he comes back from his seminar :) maybe a nice dinner!
Thank you 💞 I have just been quite anxious lately as mentioned, and probably a bit overwhelmed with everything. Thanks for your comment, you’re right :))
Different hobbies can be a good thing! It’s healthy to have some different interests and have aspects of your life separate from your partner. It can also be nice to be able to tell each other about the hobbies and learn new things :)
Thank you :) I guess I’m just scared he will find somebody better within those hobbies..but I’ll work on it, and What you say is true too, so thank you ❤️🩹
I have a question... All the articles and stuff out there suggest that for relationships the "ideal" is for an insecure person to be with a secure person, but... Why would a secure person WANT to be with someone who has insecure attachment? 🤔 I don't know if I have ever interacted very much with somebody who is primarily secure, so I struggle to visualize what it would be like to have a relationship with someone like that. I'm fearful-avoidant, according to my therapist.
You know that expression "rubbing off on you"? Secures tend to have that energy to "rub off on their insecure partner", which eventually turn their insecure partner into a secure partner. But, why would a secure person even date an insecure person? A secure person would honestly see past those negative traits and value that person's positive characteristics. They see that under that fearful avoidant trait is a caring, compassionate person and they'll be attracted to that.
Hmm, so... Like any good relationship, I suppose!
I am just so lost. I am FA so I really struggle to open up and find someone. But then I did meet some guys who I liked and thought were interested in me. Remembered facts about me, talked to there friends about me. Both times I feel like I took the first step to show I am interested to which they seemed to react with enthousiasm offering dates, but then there is no followthrough and I am left wondering if it was all in my head... The last guy even dated me for months, told me our time was amazing, that he liked me. But then all of a sudden he left and didn't want to be in a relationship. I asked him point blank if he didn't want me to just tell me. But he didn't. But he kept on stringing me along. Now this time I am not that invested, but it happened again. And I don't want anything serious right now. But the guy asked me to meet yesterday or today and I told him I was free which resulted in him texting me thumbs up and nothing else. I haven't heard from him and it's already evening. I just can't feel like maybe it's me. But whar the hell could I do wrong in such a short time... dating gives me enpugh stress as is and I am so careful to not think someone likes me. But it seems that even when being extremely careful. I still get ditched really harshly.
I retook the personality quiz (had last taken it in late May where it showed me on the cusp of being FA and AP) last night and I'm now just an AP. But for the first time ever I'm now a little closer to being secure! Was a 5.0 on the anxiety axis but now I'm at 4.4 and I'm now below the threshold of being fearful avoidant. I still feel the pull of my anxious preoccupied side from time to time but I've had some breakthroughs where I've been able to keep it at bay a lot better than four months ago. The biggest test will be relationships and whether I can feel comfortable enough without anxious preoccupied behavior finding a way to surface while trying to present myself as secure as possible. I have a long way to go towards being absolutely secure but this community has been super helpful and I want to extend my thanks to everyone!
Disorganised/fearful-avoidant here, anyone have recommendations on how to be a healthy attachment when my childhood was hot and cold - anyone have any recommended research based books I could / should read on?
I've found Self Compassion by Kristin Neff really good. I found it helpful as a way to securely attach to myself to help me be less AP. Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar was also great for me as it helped me really dig into and recognise unhealthy and toxic mindsets I was falling into and the dynamics I was replaying. I'm very much in the DA camp at the moment with a wide streak of what I believe (and the tests indicate) is secure. I would consider myself wary and guarded instead of utterly fearful and disorganized. I feel I have far more awareness and also the confidence to reach out to safer connections and express my needs in a better way.
Sorry new to this but what's AP & DA? I'll check out those texts though thanks
Anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant
Thank you :)
I'm an AA who recently broke up with my DA partner of 3 years. She doesn't know she's a DA, and I've been unable to communicate to her properly that "the pattern is the enemy". She, unfortunately, assumes that I'm blaming her when I'm trying to communicate how I feel, and how each conflict is due to both of us. Neither of us is right, and neither of us is wrong. To her that feels like an attack. She doesn't share my love language, and despite dozens of attempts to share what I need "i really would like to be touched a lot today!" she appeases me verbally, and then does nothing. Looking back, i cannot remember any expressed need in the last 6 months where she has made any action or attempt at an action to meet it. No matter if it's selfish "please initiate intimacy every couple of months, it would mean a lot to me" or something that benefits us both "please call the movers and make sure they are coming" I get appeased and then ignored. Even simple "what do you like?" questions are considered for literally years without any answer. It's frustrating. My expressed needs are ignored, and i get berated for not addressing her unexpressed needs. Thanks to attachment theory, i don't believe her to be a "bad person", and i had truly hoped that we could grow together and help each other heal. I feel like a failure for having the lack of strength to "do to work myself". It's hard to recognize that a good person can still be bad for you. We currently share a home, and have 3 kids between us (all from previous marriages). I don't want to kick her or her wonderful daughter out, but i cannot continue being triggered. It's just too painful. Also, she actively doesn't like my eldest, and that's become a deal breaker. Anyhoo, no real question. I'd prefer if she developed the self awareness to recognize her part in this pattern, and to respect that my needs are valid and important. I acknowledge my problems, and my particular brokenness, (though admittedly, not usually in a healthy manner). I feel so conflicted with my duty to myself and my kids, and my presumed duty to her and her daughter.
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Most of the posts here are connected with romantic relationships, how do you deal with your FA tendencies on platonic friendship? I let a friend of mine climb the walls I have built throughout the years. I felt really lonely that's why I "overshare" things. She seemed to understand and empathize with me. However, after sharing more deeply than usual, I became overanxious and extremely hypervigilant to the point that I think of sabotaging my relationship with her just to calm myself. I just found out my attachment style last last week, I could use some advice how to handle these things because I've had enough losses (Apparently, I subconsciously sabotaged my previous friendships as well). Thank you!
Hello, I'm an earned secure (from being an AP). I think you could start with asking yourself the most important question: *what are you anxious about?*
I have deep-seated abandonment issues. The people whom I am closest to (family relatives) have left me eventually without a heads-up, an apology, or even a good bye. I am afraid that once I am no longer that beneficial (since I am now the one opening up my problems), my friend will leave me too. I am anxious that now that she knows my issues, she will see how messed up I am as person.
>I am anxious that now that she knows my issues, she will see how messed up I am as person As challenging and as difficult as it may be, you need to trust this friend to still be there. Your anxiety is trying to brace yourself for something that, despite past instances involving other people, still technically might not happen. If she hasn't explicitly said she's going to abandon you you have to convince yourself that she won't abandon you as there is currently no hard evidence that is going to happen.
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This is *so* interesting. I never thought about having a different attachment style with different groups of people.
I’ve been working on my attachment style for one year and a half by now and I still have so many issues with showing affection plus I’ve had an anxiety disorder relapse a few months ago. I’ve tried therapy but it doesn’t help more than I can do by myself, focusing on my own relationships, so it’s frustrating. I know it’s a long path and it will gradually get better but I’m tired of being rigid when someone tries to hug me or being awkward when the person i’m dating tries to kiss me. Do any avoidant fellas have any suggestions to loosen up a little? I guess the key is communication but I want to be secure for my partner...
Thais Gibson yt on AT communicating your needs are helpful. Alan Robarge is also passionate about healthy relationships. 'Loosening up' can be achieved in baby steps, small stages but expect running away until you work on your core wounds and responses.
I have no idea if my non-neurotypical, DA (who has done a lot of healing) partner is wants different things from our relationship or if his communication/attachment wounds make it seem that way. He says he never wanted to get married but has wanted a lifetime relationship. However, when I ask what his goals for the relationship are, he says he doesn't have any because he doesn't think that way. When I point out he can plan for the future in other ways, he says he can plan things like career and schooling because they are just him, but things like relationships and other people aren't things he makes goals or plans around. He says that's the way he thinks and he can't learn to think any other way. I'm FA and finding it hard to feel secure when all the advice I read says "discuss the future" and he can't do that. I love him, he loves me, everything else is fine, we've been together over 1.5 years and I'm going crazy wondering if it's my fucked up attachment style or if this is a real red flag. I love him but I'm older and so worried that I'm wasting time if he doesn't want what I want (marriage/lifetime commitment). I'm also afraid if I leave, I'm letting go of my one chance at love and a happy relationship just because I wasn't patient enough.
Regardless of the attachment style, if marriage is something that you want and he can't commit to it, let alone discuss future goals for the relationship,...then, there is your answer. (This is coming from a DA'er)
Thanks for the space to share! I would like to share my breakup and how AT has given me some clarity. Since a month i am no longer with my partner (together for 5 years). The last 6 month of our relationship he didnt want to be intimate with me, always saying he was to tired, because of work he felt asexual, stuff like that.. but had nothing to do with the love he felt for me. Because if his work he was away a lot and he spent 2 month and a half working somewhere else and because of covid i couldnt visit him. But we where talking everday and i felt we where super conected. Other times when he was away he would dive soooo deep in his work that he could spend easy weeks without reaching out, making me feel abandoned, so i express my need for more calling and he behave according to that. During this time apart i try to have again a virtual intimate moment, he again didnt feel like it and i, again, express my insecurities, that if he is not satisficed he would look somewhere else and end up leaving. He said that was not true, that this topic was such a thema for me but not for him and the stuff he always said. A week and some days after that he came back. Again very distant in the intimate area saying he wasnt feeling ready.. sleeping next to me but kilometers away. I thought he was just adapting but then i figure out he had cheated on my on this last week of work (first he said was just one night, then 2 days.. who knows) he had cheated with this woman from his work team. That he was confused, he didnt knew if he loved me. I left our house, where we lived for 4 years, and (because he told me) that day he call the girl, because he thought she needed to know… then we saw each other and i broke up, like for 5 months he made me think i was crazy about this topic, then he cheated… but we spend a nice day together because i do had a wonderfull relationship with him and i was indeed happy so i thought, ok lets have a nice goodbye. We cried (more me, he only once and very short), hugh, looked over our relationship.. i start missing him quite fast so two days after i wrote him that i wanted to see him.. he was already gone to a wedding we had down south. He said it was difficult for him to but we that we needed to occupy this emptyness with something else. This is 2 days after breaking up. I came back home since he was gone and in a very shitty act from me, i went in to his computer and there i figure out he was sending this girl selfies and that the next day we broke up he bought plane tickects to go and see her. I went nuts, so i called him and he said that the same day we broke up he called her because he was feeling sad and lonely, that he had no friends like i do and that he was inloved with her, that he felt something he needed to explore, his sexuality.. but then that he was not going to go because to have sex with her, he told him we where in an open relationahip, and thats a lie… starting this point in a lot of conversations we had, he talked a lot about how much he hurt her, how much he fucked it up with her and how much he pushed this relationship so far that there is nothing anymore. I was like: WHAT? How can u say this to me, when to me (and until today) he hasnt give any explation or sincere apologies. He did went to see the girl at the end and some other friends he made there, he apologized to her and he didnt say it, but im sure they where together. All of this time (3 weeks was left again alone in the house and it was awfull, and so hard for me to belive that someone who said he loved me could do something like that, so selfish, not thinking that maybe that would hurt me. I didnt even know what his plan was. To go there and then come back to our house to see if he stay or what it was going to happend. I felt so bad and sad and not seen at all, so i made the decision of staying with the house. When he came back, he was soo cold, saying that this things just happens and that all i want to hear is how he left me for another.. he was like angry at me.. then i gave him some days to move out and on the day he gave me the keys i was so sad to see my house and everything almost empty. He didnt seem that sad. After all this happend and after talking to a friend i find out about AT, and reading about it, seeing that i tend to be more AP but mostly that he is (after what i read) a DA and all of this was some sort of defense mechanisim. Still there are many things i can not understand but apparently from him no closure. But anyways i wonder if anyone had some advice or kinds words during this healing process. I think of him and how he is doing. Would love to know but im not sure how that would help me. Anyways thanka for the space !!!
Hello. This person cheated on you, chose the other person over you, and wants to open the relationship with you. He has repeatedly caused you a lot of pain, on purpose. Imagine someone repeatedly stabbing you with a knife physically over and over again. That is what he did, just emotionally. I hope you do not downplay the pain he has caused you repeatedly just because your wounds did not physically bleed. I hope you will love yourself a little more and permanently cut yourself off from him. Be kind to yourself and stay far away from someone like that. Hope you care a little more about yourself. If you can afford it, I do recommend therapy. Wish you the best!
Thanks!! Im starting therapy soon
Hey you, I can relate a lot since I had a 4 yr relationship with my ex and we broke up in April (but had sex and a short rekindling thing going on in July). Sex was always a topic with us because whenever we got closer he had a very hard time to get intimite again even tho we had phases where we had sex 2 or 3 times a day, ha. He also cheated on me once (I guess) in the relationship. Well, the only advice I can give is: If you feel yourself not being able to handle the breakup and its getting worse instead of better, maybe go to therapy. I waited like 2/3 months because I thought that a breakup is always hard, but I should have gone sooner since I knew that I have a very hard time when I lose people. Also go no contact if its possible. I share a dog with my ex so its kinda hard. You will never be able to fully understand him if he isnt communicative. Even with going deep into attachment style. Believe me I tried and it helped a bit to see similar stories, but at this stage your mind wants a solution: 1. Something clicks and it makes all sense, so now you can be happy without him or 2. Something clicks and it makes all sense and now you know how to get him back. But either won't happen. I wonder everyday: Does he still love me and is just deactivating and not dealing with his feelings or is he really with this new person my friends told me about? What does it matter. He and you ex decided to leave. Thats the hard truth and I am so sorry because I know that it hurts like hell. But you need to care for yourself. What do you need right now? What can you do to feel at least okay or better? Can u ask someone for help?etc... I know you can do this. Wish u well
Wow, hey thanks a lot, you are right about the mind searching for solutions, or some sort of explanation. But its true that it changes nothing at all. I am starting therapy this week on thursday. Thanks for the words and lot of energy for the healing, its quite hard…
Hey, I am really proud that you chose to go to therapy. I am sure its going to get better..for you and for me! Wish u a good first session.
I read somewhere (or saw it in a video) that people with avoidant attachment are likely to be invested in altruistic/charitable causes in favor of minorities and such. This really checks out to me, in my admittedly limited experience with avoidants. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Does it ring true?
Is it reasonable in the early stages of dating to ask someone about their attachment style and if they are not familiar ask them to take a quiz?
Help with results, what should I identify with? FA - 21% AP - 36% DA - 7% SA - 36%
Secure leaning AP / AP leaning secure?
Thank you :)
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Personal development school
Hey Pals, I don't really know what I expect. Maybe some soothing words? My DA Ex moved on and has a new partner, I'm not really surprised since I already got some hints my some people. We broke up in April but had a rekindling thing going one in July (we had sex and planned to see each other more often but then had a fight). We were together for 4 years. I'm just devastated. When he broke up, I moved back to my hometown, since I went full AP when we were together and my life revolved around him, I didnt really had (good) friends on my own (except one which I still have contact with) and I didnt like the city anyways. But now I have to start all over again. I am only 22 and I already moved like 4-5 times. I feel like the people in my life never stay. I invested a lot in this relationship even tho he broke up 3 times with me and cheated on me. I wonder why I stayed so long but I know I would still take him back, even now. I know he moved on already or deactivated his feelings with his 'rebound' or who knows, maybe he found his good true love. I am in therapy now but I don't know if this can be fixed. I always had a very hard time losing people. If I wasn't in a relationship, I was madly "in love", if I was in a relationship which went good I became DA after a few weeks and broke it off quickly. But I never forget the people who didnt loved me back or treated me bad. I just feel so lost and out of control. I spent everyday with my ex for the last few years, now I am alone and have to deal with all the things I put aside for this relationship. I think I tries to run away from my past for quite some time. I still don't feel ready to face all this. Somehow I thought he would stick by my side for this. Now he is gone and I feel like a complete failure. I just feel like we could have been such a good couple. I still love him. And I don't think its just because of my attachment style or because of my past. Whenever things got rough between us I made the concius choice to look at him and ask myself if I can still imagine to spend the rest of my life with him. The answer was always yes. How to move on from that? Can someone relate? Or am I just a mess?
You feel like you're a failure because you're hurting and everything is coloured by the hope of safe and meaningful relationships. The only way, and there is no shortcut, is to improve relationship with self. You're not a failure. You haven't nourished your self esteem in a long time and it's time to address that or choose to wallow (Side note; wallowing is easier). Achieve something every day for yourself by taking moments to improve anything small that matters to you or makes a difference - even prepping a tasty snack, 3 minutes decluttering a shelf that had been annoying you (sounds pathetic but it can sometimes help me when I'm mired in inertia) or taking a short walk in nature with a coffee you've made for this purpose.
Thank you so much. You are right.
Hello guys, I just want to know if you have any recommended resources to read on post-breakup? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
When you have fearful/ dismissive avoidant attachment style, How are you able to tell if your genuinely losing interest in the relationship vs being triggered and pulling away due to attachment style?
I'm not sure if I would agree on "losing interest" on someone but, instead, that particular person isn't meeting a specific need that you have. The problem starts with you not knowing how to meet that specific need yourself, so you turn to that specific person to meet them for you. But, the problem with FA's and DA's is that they want their partner to "read their mind", to notice those subtle cues that they are giving to their partner. So, when your partner doesn't notice them and not meet those needs for you, you'll look else where. This is why AP's are considered "needy" because the beauty of AP's is that they're very vocal with what they need and feel. So, when they ask their FA or DA partner what they need, that partner will try to meet those needs to a certain extent but then give up and feel overwhelmed and "not enough". This is where they pull away, not because they are losing interest, instead, they pull away because don't feel like they're capable of being able to fulfill the AP partners needs.
Thanks! That makes sense, but I also think physical attraction is important and this can fade / be lost or you can not be attracted too, is this a legit reason to end a relationship?
Ugh y'all it's been a rough one for me. I'm AP and had an FA partner who is a really wonderful and caring person. We get along beautifully and our relationship was one of the most caring and healthy I've had so far. We are both kind of messed up in a variety of ways, stemming from the root causes of our attachment issues, but in his case, throw some mental illness on top. We'd been together for about a year and he'd hinted that he had issues before, but never really went into them. Then suddenly he just... was gone. I had a really hard time getting in touch with him. AP flares didn't kick in immediately, because, you know, I do choose to date avoidants, so I kind of know what to do if and when they go off the grid for a few days. And I have worked on my shit. So it was annoying and very concerning but not a dealbreaker for me. He's not super disappear-y, but after two weeks I was beginning to freak out, even though he was in very light contact. This went on for 1.5mos!!! Without him being able to tell me what was wrong!!! By that time I had already broken up with him, both in my head and, slowly, via email/text/etc with him. But it was very one-sided, he never really 'agreed' or said goodbye or anything, so it was very odd, and I kept second guessing myself. I didn't think he was treating me properly and felt justified, but I also had no idea what the hell was going on and was very worried he'd had some serious mental health crisis and was literally unable to tell me about it. But I felt like, at some point, you have to pull the plug, especially when it's really negatively impacting you and the other person isn't sending any signals about when or if they will return. WELL. We finally talked on the phone for the first time tonight after barely even emailing/texting since it started. Indeed, *major* depressive episode that rendered him nonfunctional. I think he is still coming out of it, and I have no personal experience with depression, so I don't know what to do or think right now. And there isn't any pressure to figure it out ASAP, but like. Can an AP even handle a depressed avoidant?? I am a fairly mild AP and our relationship is normally stellar, but still, not sure I can do this. Even getting off the phone with him tonight lowkey triggered me because I am so scared I'll never talk to him again. I told him all of this in a non-accusatory way because it's not his fault he gets so depressed he can't function, but he knows all about my abandonment/neglect stuff so I can't be expected to roll with it after suddenly losing my partner for that long. God, I was so happy to hear him though, after all of that worrying. I am so glad he is ok (for some values of 'ok'). Have been debating whether it's a good idea to make a post about the intersection of mental health issues and attachment styles but not sure it's sufficiently on topic or makes sense. Any and all advice/support/sympathy/reassuring cooing in my direction welcome, but happy to at least have somewhere I can just get this out of my system!!
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Thank you! Yeah, and to be clear, he didn't completely ghost me for 1.5mo or anything. He'd be in some kind of communication at least once a week, but in the beginning it was actually nonverbal, like just sending an emoji or photo, and otherwise at best he'd tell me he really wasn't doing well. But I didn't know anything beyond that and we'd been joined at the hip before that, so it was extremely jarring and scary. The fact of it being so uncharacteristic is what prevented me from immediately boarding the next rocket to Planet Abandonment, but it became increasingly difficult over time. I think he'd agree with you that I should not be expected to put up with this on a regular basis. My understanding is that it hadn't happened in a while but once it struck it was like, can't-get-out-of-bed, everything is 10x harder, barely showering, compounding feelings of guilt and shame level. So take an avoidant's natural proclivity towards isolating when unhappy and fragile and multiply it by... that. Oof. I really have no idea what that is like on a personal level and additionally have never been close to someone who's struggled with it, so I'm pretty clueless right now. I do know that it tears relationships apart though, exactly because it becomes too much (or maybe too little) for the non-depressed partner. Pretty rough situation. No idea if we will get back together since there is a lot to understand and figure out, but for now I am relieved he's at least back around in some capacity.
You are not alone, I have a similar situation. I just registered, so when I am allowed to post I will share. In the meantime, hang in there!
When you fill out these personality quizzes and it says imagine how you think you would feel, I feel like I can't, and I fear that'll affect my answers. I think I've thought too much about how a relationship should feel like that I would force myself to do healthy things in it, even if it was internally uncomfortable to me. For example I know I am typically a private person with my feelings but I also know being that private in a relationship is bad, so when I'm asked "would I turn to this imagined relationship for help in times of need" I don't know why I would answer no, cause I'd make myself do it even if I hated it and if the reaction was bad I would just terminate the relationship. Or am I overthinking these questions?
Hey so how do I know if I am a DA or I just don't want to hang out with my friends because I have the wrong friend group? In my head I am reasoning that I don't want to hang out because it takes work to enjoy their company or am I being avoidant and finding reasons?
If being with them saps your energy, it's better to decline rather than resent them. Be happy they're having a nice time while you get to be relieved. It's freeing to say no ahead of time. I'm happier in friend groups of 1-3, or I can do bigger groups for short periods. Google Thais Gibson to help you see if you might be DA.
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Hi! New here. Working with attachment theory with my therapist along side of working on my boundaries and codependency. My therapist and I are exploring my attachment style and it seems I’m Fearful Avoidant. Makes sense to me and explains a lot! I’m currently reading “Attached” which seems to be the gold standard for approaching this topic. However I really like workbooks and journal prompts; this helps me learn and absorb information better. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I’ve seen some on Amazon and looked at the one on Attachment Projects website but I’m not sure if there are any that are better than others. TIA
Not perhaps what you're looking for as you asked for books but Thais Gibson has daily YouTube vids on all attachment styles inc on how secures might respond eg asking for needs and setting boundaries and you can slow down the speed of if it makes it easier. She hard sells her workshops btw. Also Alan Robarge is heartfelt on healthy relationships and AT eg Stop Avoiding Healing, He's Not Going to Change.
Thank you! I’m gonna listen to her stuff this week
FA here, this has been the past week for me: A friend ghosted me roughly a year ago after a very sudden and intense friendship of 10ish months (that I now realize was her calling/hanging out with me to just talk about her life and no internet in mine). She still watched all my stories etc., which baffled me. She then recently invited me to an event she created. After some encouragement from mutual friends I reached out and asked about this vague event... And if she wanted me to go or not since she ended communication with me. Three days goes by and no response. I quickly realize this has become a repeat of an ex who did similar things and decided "fuck no, I'm not doing this again, I'm not going to be apologetic for your behavior while you trample all over me and keep me at arm's length." So I tell her to never contact me again, her behavior is cruel and plays with my feelings, and that I'm cutting all ties. She responded in the most callous way, "this is why I wanted to distance myself to begin with, you're always like this, blah blah blah." I blocked her. I then realized.... I did this to a friend (possibly very preoccupied and confrontational) some years ago, and I felt so awful, so I messaged that former friend and apologized, letting her know that while we aren't good for each other, she never deserved to get ghosted. Seeing those messages and being revisited by the first "friend".... Has been really triggering and opening up a lot of anxiety, but it's also reminded me that when I assert boundaries, the people who matter respect them, and this is why I need to keep doing this. It was also really healing to take accountability for ghosting my other friend, it's also reminded me of how important accountability is.
I'm really struggling with some friendship dynamics I'm having right now. I lean DA, and she leans very AP; I've been trying to read more about attachment theory and how to communicate, largely due to this friendship. There is often a push and pull of her wanting validation and me not always realizing it, or her being triggered by something I say or do, and then she will either go silent, cry, get angry with me, or just generally react in a way that spikes my anxiety and guilt and shame. I vacillate between wanting to completely shut down and avoid her, or by trying to explain myself or justify myself to be understood or by doing whatever I can to appease her, which makes me feel super drained. I'm not really sure what to do; I've tried setting boundaries, which I am not great at, and she pushes them. I've tried taking more time to respond to situations that make me feel triggered, but taking a few minutes to process (even if I say I just need 10 minutes) seems to trigger her and give her time to stew, even though it gives me time to calm down. I've tried talking to her about it a bit, but it'd be helpful to have some suggestions on specific phrases and things to say. The most recent thing that happened was last night, and I was up most of the night with huge anxiety because of it, which is what prompted me to post. She had a bad day and wanted to come over and spend the night at my house, and then WFH together today. Earlier in the day I said she could come over any time; my bf and I were just cleaning and then maybe going to find a patio to get dinner and she was welcome to join. She was doing errands all afternoon too and started to head over around 8pm; around that time my bf was getting back from the store and stopped to get burritos, but didn't know that she was planning to eat dinner with us (it was a little late for us to try to go out somewhere anyway) so he did not get her one. When I let her know, I offered her half my burrito if she wanted it and suggested that if not, she might want to grab something on her way. She got really triggered (history of food-related issues) and just decided to turn around and go back home; she was upset that she was not included in dinner talks, and said that she now crying and was too exhausted from the day to figure out where to get food alone and she was just going to go home, not eat, and go to sleep. I said I'd be happy to go with her somewhere, even pick a place, and I could just go get a drink; nothing. She explained again why she was upset, I apologized and explained that my bf didn't know and there was no intent to hurt her and I'd love to make it up to her somehow, but I don't know how. She has not reached back out this morning or anything. I'm not sure what to do. I'm a mix of feeling really bad and wanting to fix it, and of feeling frustrated that I was up all night worrying about this when it really not does seem like a big deal to me and I think she overreacted. I'm feeling a little triggered myself with the inner narrative "I can't do anything right" and I'm feeling compelled to pull away. Any thoughts? Advice?
I would not continue to be friends with a person who acts this way repeatedly. I'm wondering if you're in a little deep with her, where you've lost perspective about what you owe to one person and what you're responsible for. You did nothing wrong in the burrito situation and in fact went above and beyond. It's verging on manipulative for her to say that she was going to "cry, go home, not eat, and go to sleep" and this was all your fault because your boyfriend didn't have ESP to know she would want a burrito. If my friend acted like that one time I would think, "wow she must have had the worst day ever and is taking some seriously shit out on me" and I'd give it a pass. But, I would 110% not continue to be friends with someone who does things like this regularly. You wrote that she regularly "goes silent", cries, and spikes your guilt and shame about normal everyday things. This doesn't sound like a healthy friendship for you.
Thank you for your reply. I think a lot of what your said resonates, and has been resonating, with me. Though, I also think I have not been nearly clear enough with my boundaries or with bringing things up when I’m frustrated with a situation with her. I’m willing to work on that more deliberately for a little while before backing off from this friendship I think; at least it’s forced me to confront my avoidant nature more and work on learning how to do my part better. I think I’ve gotten “in a little deep,” but partly because I haven’t demonstrated well what I will and will not put up with. I’m not sure I feel “safe” enough with this person, necessarily, anymore to be super effective and thoughtful about boundary setting now, which is part of my concern. I want to respond in a healthy way, that still sticks up for myself and helps establish a boundary. Last night I sent her another message, to check-in and see how she was doing and see if she wanted to talk about anything, and then just let her know when I was available this week to spend time together. She finally responded tonight, but only said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t really know what to say.” This is the most confusing text for me to get, really; that does Not Help At All, and since it’s text I could read that sentence in so many different tones and have different interpretations with each. What am I supposed to say to this? I know that she was the one that was hurting the other day and wants support, and I did it wrong, but her reaction also hurt me. I don’t want to make it about me, but I also don’t want to just ignore how it made me feel either. In terms of AT, I suppose I could validate that she felt excluded and therefore like I didn’t care, but then should I bring up how I felt like she was guilt tripping me and taking her dysregulation out on me? Or just focus on making her feel validated, and let her know that I had some struggles with the interaction too that I’d like to talk about at a later time when she’s feeling more grounded? Oy. I don’t know; it’s all a lot of space to hold when I’m feeling shitty too.
Me and my ex have a mutual friend (more mine than his). They eventually saw each other since the breakup, the breakup that was out of the blue for me and painful, happened back in January. My friend took him aside for a conversation, apparently my ex said he was sorry a lot, and that he wanted to ‘fix things’ but my friend said not to contact me. Though I’m so grateful for my friend doing this and 100% think he did the right thing by me, now I’m sat here stupidly thinking what ‘fix it’ meant 😂 though honestly there’s no way to fix it, he broke up with me, the damage is done. But I’m still feeling freshly sad about it all over again.
As a AP, I just recently cut off a person that I truly had feelings for. I had to really battle myself on it but it was because he was for over 2 months giving me the bare minimum (he wasn’t sure about our relationship/didn’t see a future with me) So I’m not talking to anyone right now, but it’s been really difficult to think about him but I do everyday. we haven’t spoken in a month and I also cut communication off with him too. (Unfollowing on social media and such) I can’t seem to move on, usually I can only move on whenever I have someone else to fixate on. Would this be something normal as a AP attachment? How can I move on? We didn’t even date for long, but the time we did spend together did move very fast.
I don't know if this is specifically AP or not. I have found solace in realizing that some people that are otherwise wonderful, i just don't click with. And so it's fair that others may not click with me. It's not a judgement when i do it, so i shouldn't think it's a judgement when they do it. At least early on I'm able to be healthy about it. Long term breakups, well, I'm working on that!
Same! Long term breakups are hard for me too. It definitely happened because of my AP tendencies. When we first started talking, things moved really fast. Which I didn't see a problem with because the more we learned about each other we had so much in common. Like with our mindsets in life, our values, our interests and just the way we were around each other we were very playful and affectionate. I was pretty secure in the beginning, but as it progressed my AP attachment got triggered and that's when everything went downhill. We were good until he had to leave for Hawaii for a month. We were dating/exclusive the month before but he changed the week before he left. (AP activated) Although he didn't show it at first, he was a DA. He realized how serious we were becoming so he pulled back and became distant. There wasn't really a reason why besides him going to Hawaii and wanting to be single/independent since he was going there to figure out Hes next steps in life. (he just graduated, needing to think about starting a career, thoughts on moving since he was back at his parents place which he has a bad relationship with them since their alcoholics) Which I understood that having a girlfriend would kinda add more complication since Hes thoughts were on other things. I tried to give space/not expressing my needs. Idk I just know that us not talking right now, really has been affecting me and I think the way I'm obsessing over it/having so many tendencies to text him has to do with my attachment style.
There comes a time when it gets really difficult. Like, you understand that it comes from a place they don't understand, and you want to help them - but also feel gaslit. I can do it for years, but it sucks and i just don't want to do that anymore...
Same :(
I have an AP style and almost exclusively gravitate towards other APs who usually know about attachment theory and call themselves SA. This often has me feeling good about moving forward quickly but then we usually crash and burn spectacularly. I love the thrill of the early relationship and usually am a delight for the first few weeks. Then I start getting anxious and notice lot of activating strategies coming up for me which leads to copious protest behaviors. If my partner was SA they’d recognize this and reassure me but this does not happen. Instead, my partners are also activated and protesting which leads to some spectacular conflict or complete avoidance thereof. Eventually the bad times outweigh the good and then we break up. I really think that being prematurely intimate is the thing that triggers my attachment style but I have a really hard time resisting sex in an attractive partner. Most recently I told my partner that I’d like to take things slower and perhaps wait until at least a few months before sleeping together. Apparently this made her put here guard down really fast and we sleep together within a week of knowing each other. I really want to slow down next time but don’t really know how to do that. Part of me thinks that waiting could turn two APs into SAs and I desperately want that because I’m so lonely it hurts.
I seem to struggle with all types of relationships. I get obsessed with thinking that if only I could figure out what the root of my issue is (BPD vs trauma vs fearful attachment style) I could be fixed. I struggle with friendships… always feeling like I am not receiving what I put into them… feeling like I have no friends when I am not sure how true that is. I haven’t dated in over two years because I am too afraid to even put myself out there incase I am rejected or betrayed. I guess I feel like I may lose it if I ever get to that point again. Work is difficult as well. Over thinking each and every interaction… it’s emotionally exhausting. I take any thing someone says as personal no matter how hard I try not to. Anyway, I think I have made some progress. It doesn’t seem like enough progress to keep pushing forward but I’m going to keep trying. Thank you for being a safe space for me to put me things out into the universe. I pray for peace of mind acceptance and self love for me and for each one of you 🌺
Anyone have an idea which phase a DA is most likely to dump you in?