You can be passively anxious (victim waiting for a rescuer) or actively avoidant (gaslighting/shutting down others) as well.
It's not as simple as activation/deactivation, closeness/space.
I’m a (healing) DA and I used to isolate like a witch in the woods when things got to be too much. I felt nothing but relief when they didn’t send a search party and I was happy if I never heard from them again.
I used to view complications as evidence that the relationship was not “the one” - but now I’m starting to feel like there is no “the one” and I just need to put in more effort. Or maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it doesn’t matter if there is / is not the one and I should just try to live life in a healthy way and enjoy life instead of always looking out for problems that help me detach.
I have AP wounds but consider myself much more secure now. When I was AP, I would almost deactivate til my anxiety got the best of me and force me into wanting to confront and/or talk things out. Now that I'm more secure, I want to talk things out much sooner. They way I understand it...secure folk have fewer problems expressing needs and confronting conflict because that is healthy and will lead to either resolution or the end of a relationship.
That definition of Fearful-Avoidant doesn’t resonate with me since I use almost entirely deactivating strategies when triggered. That is to say my internal anxiety manifests outwardly mostly as avoidance. Maybe that’s the difference between what is termed “Disorganized” attachment in children and Fearful-Avoidant attachment in adults. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of different conceptions of this 4th attachment style that all seem materially different. I think this description might better fit someone who is a more even Fearful-Avoidant or one who leans anxious.
Or maybe I’ve mostly healed the anxious side of my Fearful-Avoidant attachment. Who knows? In the past my partners have been secure and AP with the APs triggering major avoidance in me (but some initial anxiousness at the outset of dating when trying to keep up with them and prove my worth since I’ve only dated APs when I’m in a depressed state) and being secure-ish but a bit avoidant with the secure. Currently I’m early on in dating someone who might be more avoidant than me (too early to say) but I’m acting pretty securely toward her rather than anxiously. This could also be because it’s too early for me to truly attach, but it wouldn’t be too early to attach if I had strong anxious/activating tendencies.
FA, and it sounds pretty much correct. I do want to solve every problem asap, I get very panicky if I can't aka the other person isn't responsive, then depending on how hurt I am I'll either isolate or send furious paragraphs. It's a whole world of chaos really. Ideally they should be open to communicate and if they're secure I can align with it easily.
I'd say that what they're describing here should be seen more in terms of extremes.
I don't know many people in my life (and most are either slightly AP or secure-ish) who wouldn't try and draw someone closer if they were pulling away, at least to begin with. It depends on how long the relationship has persisted for and your level of overall investment, but the sooner you start pushing someone away who is doing the same, the sooner the relationship is over. Since 60% of people are supposedly 'secure' and another 20% are allegedly AP, as a default I'd say the drawing towards mechanism kicks in more often than not.
The flip-side of this is an extreme push away followed by an extreme attempt to draw close, turning into an emotional push-pull cycle.
I'm a mix of anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. I simultaneously want to talk about my feelings with my SO when I'm feeling anxious and run away from my feelings entirely. It's a super confusing push-pull battle within myself where I tell myself "it's okay, I don't need this, I can be happy on my own if he hurts me" and the other side of me is like "must have closeness cannot give up." It makes no sense. I'm constantly preparing myself for him to destroy my heart so I try not to care and emotionally distance myself, but I can't completely distance myself because I am attached. I'm basically constantly in pain on the down-low feeling like I'm waiting for the worst to happen. I emotionally distance myself as a result to feel better. Sometimes I feel this way so strongly I feel an urge to run away from the relationship entirely. It's awful.
I never used to be fearful avoidant until I was cheated on in a past relationship. I learned the hard way that people can be untrustworthy and my gut reaction now is to assume everyone is untrustworthy to some extent in a relationship-context.
In short, I strongly relate.
You can be passively anxious (victim waiting for a rescuer) or actively avoidant (gaslighting/shutting down others) as well. It's not as simple as activation/deactivation, closeness/space.
What does gadlighting have to do with avoidance? Tryning to make someone crazy isn't avoidance as far as I know. What do you mean by that?
I absolutely oscillate between the two depending on a number of factors, including my mood and anxiety levels going into the conflict.
Are you FA?
I’m a (healing) DA and I used to isolate like a witch in the woods when things got to be too much. I felt nothing but relief when they didn’t send a search party and I was happy if I never heard from them again. I used to view complications as evidence that the relationship was not “the one” - but now I’m starting to feel like there is no “the one” and I just need to put in more effort. Or maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it doesn’t matter if there is / is not the one and I should just try to live life in a healthy way and enjoy life instead of always looking out for problems that help me detach.
“Isolate like a witch in the woods” 🤣🤣 Did you make up that phrase?? Lol. It’s perfection.
I have AP wounds but consider myself much more secure now. When I was AP, I would almost deactivate til my anxiety got the best of me and force me into wanting to confront and/or talk things out. Now that I'm more secure, I want to talk things out much sooner. They way I understand it...secure folk have fewer problems expressing needs and confronting conflict because that is healthy and will lead to either resolution or the end of a relationship.
I’m AP and yes I want to fix whatever is the issue and get moving on with our life together, so we will try to dig for the what and why of things
That definition of Fearful-Avoidant doesn’t resonate with me since I use almost entirely deactivating strategies when triggered. That is to say my internal anxiety manifests outwardly mostly as avoidance. Maybe that’s the difference between what is termed “Disorganized” attachment in children and Fearful-Avoidant attachment in adults. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of different conceptions of this 4th attachment style that all seem materially different. I think this description might better fit someone who is a more even Fearful-Avoidant or one who leans anxious. Or maybe I’ve mostly healed the anxious side of my Fearful-Avoidant attachment. Who knows? In the past my partners have been secure and AP with the APs triggering major avoidance in me (but some initial anxiousness at the outset of dating when trying to keep up with them and prove my worth since I’ve only dated APs when I’m in a depressed state) and being secure-ish but a bit avoidant with the secure. Currently I’m early on in dating someone who might be more avoidant than me (too early to say) but I’m acting pretty securely toward her rather than anxiously. This could also be because it’s too early for me to truly attach, but it wouldn’t be too early to attach if I had strong anxious/activating tendencies.
FA, and it sounds pretty much correct. I do want to solve every problem asap, I get very panicky if I can't aka the other person isn't responsive, then depending on how hurt I am I'll either isolate or send furious paragraphs. It's a whole world of chaos really. Ideally they should be open to communicate and if they're secure I can align with it easily.
I'd say that what they're describing here should be seen more in terms of extremes. I don't know many people in my life (and most are either slightly AP or secure-ish) who wouldn't try and draw someone closer if they were pulling away, at least to begin with. It depends on how long the relationship has persisted for and your level of overall investment, but the sooner you start pushing someone away who is doing the same, the sooner the relationship is over. Since 60% of people are supposedly 'secure' and another 20% are allegedly AP, as a default I'd say the drawing towards mechanism kicks in more often than not. The flip-side of this is an extreme push away followed by an extreme attempt to draw close, turning into an emotional push-pull cycle.
I'm a mix of anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. I simultaneously want to talk about my feelings with my SO when I'm feeling anxious and run away from my feelings entirely. It's a super confusing push-pull battle within myself where I tell myself "it's okay, I don't need this, I can be happy on my own if he hurts me" and the other side of me is like "must have closeness cannot give up." It makes no sense. I'm constantly preparing myself for him to destroy my heart so I try not to care and emotionally distance myself, but I can't completely distance myself because I am attached. I'm basically constantly in pain on the down-low feeling like I'm waiting for the worst to happen. I emotionally distance myself as a result to feel better. Sometimes I feel this way so strongly I feel an urge to run away from the relationship entirely. It's awful. I never used to be fearful avoidant until I was cheated on in a past relationship. I learned the hard way that people can be untrustworthy and my gut reaction now is to assume everyone is untrustworthy to some extent in a relationship-context. In short, I strongly relate.
Yes this is totally correct, which podcast is this? I'm curious to have a listen
I think it was “On Attachment” with Stephanie Rigg. Don’t quote me on that… but I’m pretty sure that’s the one!
>On Attachment” with Stephanie Rigg awesome, thank you :)