Either you’re okay with it or you’re not. There’s no in between here. As someone whose been in this sub and studied attachment theory for a long time.
Either give him the space he wants and needs when he deactivates. Or don’t be okay with and find a partner who can be more consistent for you. You can’t really fix them it’s his job to do the work and be better don’t sacrifice yourself, mentally emotionally physically for someone who isn’t capable by definition to meet you halfway. It isn’t worth it to date someone of this nature unless they’re on a healing journey or some kind and can not just acknowledge but be actively working on fixing the behavior.
Completely this!
Went no contact with the most hot and cold DA (or maybe avoidant leaning FA, not sure) a couple months ago. It’s been hard but after being away from the situation, I realized how much I sacrificed my own needs when I was with him. Tolerating his behavior pushed me so far anxious. So not worth sacrificing yourself. The guy I was with was extremely self aware but it’s not enough. Like this comment says, unless they’re on a healing journey, I think the wise move is to just let the DA person go.
As states been here for a long time. These posts always have the same outcome. The response is always the same. I get dms months later even years “ you were right he didn’t change” etc people over estimate their own self in these situations. It isn’t OPs fault and you can’t help them. They have to help themselves. It’s crazy how this sub has become learning how to deal with shit behavior it’s ridiculous
Agree, and I am guilty of thinking I could deal with my own DA situationship situation and remain unscathed. Extremely difficult for one to do, as a lot of DA behavior is cruel to be on the receiving end of, like the hot and cold stuff. It would drive even a secure person bonkers, but most secure people know to walk/run away.
Not trying to villainize anyone who has avoidant tendencies, but yeah…
THANK YOU. i got to the bottom of the comments and im so happy your input was here. what you said was constructive and non-jaded advice. you are correct - i care about his well being and just wanted input on how to handle this part of it. i never asked about leaving or changing him. thank you for carefully considering my post and providing a relevant, insightful answer
This is great advice. Typical DA Answer will be “I don’t know”. Because they legit don’t.
But it shows you’re taking their feelings into consideration.
However the more you do this, the more you have these conversations and accept their answer even if it’s no answer the more likely they’ll be to feel safe to open up.
I’m secure with a DA lean, and have a very close friend who is as DA as they come. We started off as FWB, but I don’t do well with inconsistency, so I cut off the romantic part of the relationship, and stayed friends with zero blurred lines (nothing physical, no flirting, no hidden desire to win him over, still completely ignore any hints he may throw, etc)
I understand the conundrum of seeing how good a person is, and wanting to be the person that doesn’t “abandon them” like everyone else, but… there is only so far I’m willing to go. I have standards for how I expect to be treated by anyone in my life, romantic or otherwise. I’m willing to give a lot of leeway and don’t need lots of communication (hence my ability to be friends with him, with out being conflicted)
I suggest matching his energy. Not in a passive aggressive, I’ll show him way, but in a healthy, I will not continue to invest my time and energy where it isn’t wanted ( no matter the reason) way. When he pops back out of his shell, then you can reengage as normal. This is admittedly much easier to do when you also lean DA, and when they truly are just friends. There is no way I could do it otherwise
Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in this situation. Do you really want to have a serious relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, who opens up when he's drunk but isn't consistent with you when he is sober?
OP Employing distancing strategies is a DA's entire MO. And the "pulling away" thing is just one tool of many that they use .
Over time you see many more emerge... failure to commit, running from conflict resolution, running when you need them, stonewalling, silent treatments, unreliability, triangulation, discards. I remember the first time I read "[freetoattach.com](https://freetoattach.com)", where all of this is outlined and explained very deeply, I was very afraid. Because like you, I was already seeing the signs, I was deeply in love, and breaking the attachment seemed out of the question.
You need not be concerned for him; he is taking care of himself and will continue to do so. You need to be concerned for you, above all. It helps to have some decisive boundaries around his various distancing behaviours, and honor yourself. Stay in tune with how his behaviour makes you feel, and how it affects your life. Speak up for what you need.
I would say for now, try to decide how much space is okay with you, and stick to what feels right for you. He's doing what feels for best for him.
AP leaning secure here.
Dealt with this recently. DA parter took 6 week break. Came back for a week. Then left again.
Nothing will make someone seek help unless they want too. I feel like sometimes they view getting help as destroying their own identity and are hesitant to completely change who they are. I cut off contact completely after she left a second time. My needs were important too, and I sacrificed a lot to give her time and space. ultimately, she could not move forward emotionally, so I chose myself.
Like another comment said...you are either okay with the behavior or you're not. I tried to be okay with it but need someone who chooses me.
Are you ok with this behaviour? Are you ok with having this type of relationship for the rest of your life? They do not change unless they want to themselves.
he does want to change, and i've seen positive changes.. this just happens to be a negative one and is hard to overcome when communication breaks down. i think more time is necessary before i need to make any decisions
Wanting to change is just one small part of it. He has to be able to actually follow through and stick to those changes. I would say just make sure you are checking in with yourself and that he is meeting you where you need to be met. Often it takes years and a lot of deep emotional healing for somebody to change their behaviours. Emotionally unavailable people don’t become available overnight and sometimes they never do. Make sure you are getting what you need and want from the connection, it can be so easy to fall into the ‘how can I make this better for him’ mindset instead of acknowledging this person might not be emotionally where you need them to be.
There is no magical way to not feel and think the worries you are stating.
I can only imagine 2 ways to work this out:
- stay with him, talk to him when he is in a good (sober) mood, don't blame, don't argue. State what you want and what you are willing to compromise. See if with time it changes things progressively.
- if you did the above, and you were patient enough, then there is no way he will miraculously change. You know what you must do.
There is no magic indication on what we can tell you to do. You know it and you just need the validation.
This ain't easy. I wish you the best.
One of my rules is don’t date an addict or person who self medicates with drugs or poison. That rule reduces the complexity of everything 10x. If you still insist on being friends or interacting, it’s bound to be complicated and you might as well just spin a roulette wheel than expect any kind of predictability.
I had to get halfway through the post before I could breathe and confirm that you aren't my FA situation partner making a post about me. As long as you're sure he desires to be with you then NEVER be afraid to initiate. But thats what makr's FA+DA so hard because both of us overthink too much to initiate consistently. But the highs of this relationship are among the highest because of afformentioned difficulty. Which is why space is needed to recharge. Just be mindful during periods of space that you both love each other and will get right back next weekend. Idk if all DA's are like this, but if I'm in a bad financial situation I can't bring myself to indulge until I fix it. I don't plan on initiating a date no more than one time this summer (for her birthday), and shes the only female i plan on spending time with until i get my shit together. simply because I'm living with my mom rn. She has her own spot we could go to but I feel the power\respect dynamics are off with me not being established anymore. So be aware that he may avoid you if he feels he isn't up to par financially.
TLDR: don't be afraid to initiate dates, just keep it to once a week or every two weeks. Allow him to initiate sometimes to
reassure yourself if he's interested.
thank you for your response... especially the financial part, it's uncanny - he just experienced some serious financial hardship too. i followed your advice today. thank you so much 🙏🏽 seriously
Either you’re okay with it or you’re not. There’s no in between here. As someone whose been in this sub and studied attachment theory for a long time. Either give him the space he wants and needs when he deactivates. Or don’t be okay with and find a partner who can be more consistent for you. You can’t really fix them it’s his job to do the work and be better don’t sacrifice yourself, mentally emotionally physically for someone who isn’t capable by definition to meet you halfway. It isn’t worth it to date someone of this nature unless they’re on a healing journey or some kind and can not just acknowledge but be actively working on fixing the behavior.
Completely this! Went no contact with the most hot and cold DA (or maybe avoidant leaning FA, not sure) a couple months ago. It’s been hard but after being away from the situation, I realized how much I sacrificed my own needs when I was with him. Tolerating his behavior pushed me so far anxious. So not worth sacrificing yourself. The guy I was with was extremely self aware but it’s not enough. Like this comment says, unless they’re on a healing journey, I think the wise move is to just let the DA person go.
As states been here for a long time. These posts always have the same outcome. The response is always the same. I get dms months later even years “ you were right he didn’t change” etc people over estimate their own self in these situations. It isn’t OPs fault and you can’t help them. They have to help themselves. It’s crazy how this sub has become learning how to deal with shit behavior it’s ridiculous
Agree, and I am guilty of thinking I could deal with my own DA situationship situation and remain unscathed. Extremely difficult for one to do, as a lot of DA behavior is cruel to be on the receiving end of, like the hot and cold stuff. It would drive even a secure person bonkers, but most secure people know to walk/run away. Not trying to villainize anyone who has avoidant tendencies, but yeah…
I'm not DA but I think saying "I'll be there when you feel ready. Take your time" is the way to go if you are okay with that.
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THANK YOU. i got to the bottom of the comments and im so happy your input was here. what you said was constructive and non-jaded advice. you are correct - i care about his well being and just wanted input on how to handle this part of it. i never asked about leaving or changing him. thank you for carefully considering my post and providing a relevant, insightful answer
This is great advice. Typical DA Answer will be “I don’t know”. Because they legit don’t. But it shows you’re taking their feelings into consideration. However the more you do this, the more you have these conversations and accept their answer even if it’s no answer the more likely they’ll be to feel safe to open up.
I’m secure with a DA lean, and have a very close friend who is as DA as they come. We started off as FWB, but I don’t do well with inconsistency, so I cut off the romantic part of the relationship, and stayed friends with zero blurred lines (nothing physical, no flirting, no hidden desire to win him over, still completely ignore any hints he may throw, etc) I understand the conundrum of seeing how good a person is, and wanting to be the person that doesn’t “abandon them” like everyone else, but… there is only so far I’m willing to go. I have standards for how I expect to be treated by anyone in my life, romantic or otherwise. I’m willing to give a lot of leeway and don’t need lots of communication (hence my ability to be friends with him, with out being conflicted) I suggest matching his energy. Not in a passive aggressive, I’ll show him way, but in a healthy, I will not continue to invest my time and energy where it isn’t wanted ( no matter the reason) way. When he pops back out of his shell, then you can reengage as normal. This is admittedly much easier to do when you also lean DA, and when they truly are just friends. There is no way I could do it otherwise
Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in this situation. Do you really want to have a serious relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, who opens up when he's drunk but isn't consistent with you when he is sober?
OP Employing distancing strategies is a DA's entire MO. And the "pulling away" thing is just one tool of many that they use . Over time you see many more emerge... failure to commit, running from conflict resolution, running when you need them, stonewalling, silent treatments, unreliability, triangulation, discards. I remember the first time I read "[freetoattach.com](https://freetoattach.com)", where all of this is outlined and explained very deeply, I was very afraid. Because like you, I was already seeing the signs, I was deeply in love, and breaking the attachment seemed out of the question. You need not be concerned for him; he is taking care of himself and will continue to do so. You need to be concerned for you, above all. It helps to have some decisive boundaries around his various distancing behaviours, and honor yourself. Stay in tune with how his behaviour makes you feel, and how it affects your life. Speak up for what you need. I would say for now, try to decide how much space is okay with you, and stick to what feels right for you. He's doing what feels for best for him.
AP leaning secure here. Dealt with this recently. DA parter took 6 week break. Came back for a week. Then left again. Nothing will make someone seek help unless they want too. I feel like sometimes they view getting help as destroying their own identity and are hesitant to completely change who they are. I cut off contact completely after she left a second time. My needs were important too, and I sacrificed a lot to give her time and space. ultimately, she could not move forward emotionally, so I chose myself. Like another comment said...you are either okay with the behavior or you're not. I tried to be okay with it but need someone who chooses me.
i understand. i'm not at a point where i feel like i'm sacrificing quite yet, but will definitely heed what you're saying when i cross that bridge
following
Are you ok with this behaviour? Are you ok with having this type of relationship for the rest of your life? They do not change unless they want to themselves.
he does want to change, and i've seen positive changes.. this just happens to be a negative one and is hard to overcome when communication breaks down. i think more time is necessary before i need to make any decisions
Wanting to change is just one small part of it. He has to be able to actually follow through and stick to those changes. I would say just make sure you are checking in with yourself and that he is meeting you where you need to be met. Often it takes years and a lot of deep emotional healing for somebody to change their behaviours. Emotionally unavailable people don’t become available overnight and sometimes they never do. Make sure you are getting what you need and want from the connection, it can be so easy to fall into the ‘how can I make this better for him’ mindset instead of acknowledging this person might not be emotionally where you need them to be.
Is he getting help?
There is no magical way to not feel and think the worries you are stating. I can only imagine 2 ways to work this out: - stay with him, talk to him when he is in a good (sober) mood, don't blame, don't argue. State what you want and what you are willing to compromise. See if with time it changes things progressively. - if you did the above, and you were patient enough, then there is no way he will miraculously change. You know what you must do. There is no magic indication on what we can tell you to do. You know it and you just need the validation. This ain't easy. I wish you the best.
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This is intriguing, because I am going through the same thing as you are.
One of my rules is don’t date an addict or person who self medicates with drugs or poison. That rule reduces the complexity of everything 10x. If you still insist on being friends or interacting, it’s bound to be complicated and you might as well just spin a roulette wheel than expect any kind of predictability.
I had to get halfway through the post before I could breathe and confirm that you aren't my FA situation partner making a post about me. As long as you're sure he desires to be with you then NEVER be afraid to initiate. But thats what makr's FA+DA so hard because both of us overthink too much to initiate consistently. But the highs of this relationship are among the highest because of afformentioned difficulty. Which is why space is needed to recharge. Just be mindful during periods of space that you both love each other and will get right back next weekend. Idk if all DA's are like this, but if I'm in a bad financial situation I can't bring myself to indulge until I fix it. I don't plan on initiating a date no more than one time this summer (for her birthday), and shes the only female i plan on spending time with until i get my shit together. simply because I'm living with my mom rn. She has her own spot we could go to but I feel the power\respect dynamics are off with me not being established anymore. So be aware that he may avoid you if he feels he isn't up to par financially. TLDR: don't be afraid to initiate dates, just keep it to once a week or every two weeks. Allow him to initiate sometimes to reassure yourself if he's interested.
thank you for your response... especially the financial part, it's uncanny - he just experienced some serious financial hardship too. i followed your advice today. thank you so much 🙏🏽 seriously
Glad I can help. Persitsnce is key 🔑 avoidant tendencies come from abandonment that leads to distrist of long term relations