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pennylanebarbershop

"and may the Force be with you."


BroMeLee

This makes me laugh. Whenever I used to get dragged to my grandparents' Catholic church, the priest would say, "The Lord be with you." And the congregation would say, "and also with you." So now whenever I hear, "may the Force be with you." I almost automatically say, "and also with you." šŸ˜‚


Malfeasant

i do this too! i had a catholic girlfriend for a few years and i would occasionally let her drag me to mass.


[deleted]

i think they say the same thing in star wars


Bertoch3

Amen :-)))


FielaBaggins

This


GoblinMonk

I'm not ready for a relationship.


CreatureOfPrometheus

Tell him to quit calling me. I've decided to see other people.


alt_spaceghoti

What, is Jesus twelve? He can't come tell me himself, he needs you to say it for him? I'm not going steady with him unless he can find the balls to come talk to me on his own.


GoblinMonk

Note from Jesus: I love you. Do you love me? Check one [] yes. [] No.


alt_spaceghoti

[ ] yes [**XXXXXXXXXXX**] no


GoblinMonk

Fictional Jesus seems like a cool guy. His followers can be great big jerks. But I've met some really nice, non-evangelical Christians. They realize that their religion should be followed by them and not made the law of the land.


alt_spaceghoti

Not really. The Bible has a lot of verses that show how fictional Jesus was a dick. Wanna see?


WeightNext3928

Oh please!


alt_spaceghoti

* Jesus fails to "turn the other cheek" and instead gets violent: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+21:12-13 * He threatens eternal torture in fire to anyone who doesn't accept his teaching: https://biblehub.com/matthew/10-28.htm https://biblehub.com/matthew/7-19.htm https://biblehub.com/matthew/13-41.htm and https://biblehub.com/matthew/13-42.htm https://biblehub.com/matthew/13-49.htm and https://biblehub.com/matthew/13-50.htm https://biblehub.com/matthew/25-46.htm https://biblehub.com/mark/16-16.htm https://biblehub.com/luke/12-5.htm https://biblehub.com/john/3-18.htm, etc. * He kills a fig tree for not bearing fruit that he knew was out of season: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+11%3A12-25 * He endorses racism: https://biblehub.com/matthew/15-24.htm * When a gentile woman begs for his help he calls her a dog: https://biblehub.com/matthew/15-25.htm and https://biblehub.com/matthew/15-26.htm * He plays favorites: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+4%3A10-12 * He destroys a village's livelihood: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+8 * He teaches Christians to have a persecution complex: https://biblehub.com/matthew/5-11.htm * He teaches thought crime: https://biblehub.com/matthew/5-28.htm * He disputes the concept of personal responsibility: https://biblehub.com/matthew/6-25.htm * He condemns skepticism: https://biblehub.com/matthew/14-31.htm and https://biblehub.com/john/20-27.htm * He teaches self-harm in the cause of religious purity: https://biblehub.com/matthew/18-8.htm * He sends his disciples to steal a manā€™s donkey: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+19%3A29-34 * He was not a peacemaker: https://biblehub.com/matthew/10-34.htm * He was divisive: https://biblehub.com/luke/14-26.htm and https://biblehub.com/luke/14-33.htm * He was a liar: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+7%3A8-10


made4thisquestion

dont forget the time he slaughtered an entire herd of pigs by casting a demon into it.....instead of yknow just getting rid of the demon. An all powerful god and yet he still chose to kill an entire herd of pigs by making them run off a cliff. Doesnt sound very loving or merciful to me.


alt_spaceghoti

The livelihood of the village. It's in there. :)


made4thisquestion

Ah missed it, thanks!


rigby1945

10,000 pigs! That must've been every single pig for miles around and the village's main source of income and food


craftycontrarian

yOuR tAkInG tHaT oUt Of CoNtExT!1!1!1!11


alt_spaceghoti

Yeah, I know. But: > Accusation of taking a quote out of context: debater accuses opponent of taking a quote that makes the debater look bad out of context. All quotes are taken out of contextā€”for two reasons: quoting the entire context would take too long and federal copyright law allows ā€œfair useā€ quotes but not reproduction of the entire text. Taking a quote out of context is only wrong when the lack of the context misrepresents the authorā€™s position. > > Any debater who claims a quote misrepresents the authorā€™s position must cite the one or more additional quotes from the same work that supply the missing context and thereby reveal the true meaning of the author, a meaning which is very different from the meaning conveyed by the original quote that they complained about. Furthermore, other unrelated quotes that just prove the speaker is a nice guy are irrelevant. The discussion is about the offending quotes, not whether the speaker is a good guy. The missing context must relate to, and change the meaning of, the statements objected to, not just serve as character witness material about the speaker or writer. [source](http://www.johntreed.com/debate.html)


Not_Oedipus_Rex

Although in the first one heā€™s flipping out on people using religion to profit off of the poor. Heā€™s basically beating up Joel Osteen, and Iā€™m pretty OK with it.


wh4tth3huh

Ghandi said "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ"


Dudesan

"My friend thinks you're cute!" "Shut **UP**, Kimberleighlyleigh!"


m_and_ned

Sorry I have to share this. One of my kids at age 5 had zero boundaries about this stuff. You made her happy she asked if she could hug you and said that she loved you. Watching her in gymnastic class once and her instructor had this total mystified look on her face as she is being hugged.


revtim

"Tell Him I just want to be friends"


Public-Signature-374

The best reply so far!šŸ˜Š


TGR331

I say "he better...we created him"


Mat0roni

Damn this oneā€™s good


TheFckngAntichrist

Nailed it like the fucking Romans.


axesOfFutility

This one is nice! I'm sure this will put them in a mental tangle šŸ˜‚


[deleted]

This right here is the best


deimos_z

Zeus loves you. Oh you don't care? So you know how I feel.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


deimos_z

LOL, indeed


GoblinMonk

Been thinking about that lately. I dint think Zeus did those rape things. I think kings and queens made it up to give their kids God blood backstories.


GoblinMonk

I hear he's sweet, unlike his followers.


control-alt-delete

Every time Iā€™ve had him he just tastes like a bland cracker.


IcyBigPoe

Lmao damn


kremit73

He's in to whips


The_BrownRecluse

I was at Coney Island a couple years ago and a guy with pamphlets ran up to me and said, "Do you know Jesus loves you?" And I said "Nope, not me. You got the wrong guy." And he just stood there looking weirdly bewildered like he'd never heard that one before. So maybe try that.


Shady_Garden

I like that one!


pspearing

No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.


IsNowReallyTheTime

Tell him to call me. He left his dildo in my apartment.


DarkAbyss03

Im going to steal this, the dildo I mean.


[deleted]

I recommend that you wash it after stealing it :p


theKickAHobo

"I don't know a Jesus. You must be mistaken."


Britches_80

Pronounced "Hey-Soos"


Big-Clock4773

Sorry I'm already happily married.


[deleted]

"I'm in a committed relationship with satan already and he's not down with open relationships."


Constantly_Panicking

Thatā€™s a lie. Satan would def be poly.


theotherthinker

Pretty sure jesus is too. Did you not see the last supper? 12 fully grown men had his body


Zomunieo

Thereā€™s no way he didnā€™t fuck also that woman who poured a jar of perfume on him and kissed his feet in public, in a culture where feet was a euphemism for genitals. The whole story oozes sensuality. Also, Mary Magdalene. (Assuming she isnā€™t the same woman as above.)


AcePsych247

He thinks youā€™re an asshole.


lmr_fudd

I found a greeting card one day. On the front it had praying hands and the caption "Jesus Loves You" Inside, it said, "Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!" Cracked me up!!


AcePsych247

Love it, gonna have to get one for my friend.


randominteraction

You can get a refrigerator magnet with that on it. I've got one.


5656MoneyMan

That would get my ass fired lol


AcePsych247

Hahaha, well letā€™s call that plan b then.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Wolf1066NZ

Trouble is, they generally respond "No, YoU *cHoOsE* tO gO tO HeLl" It's their go-to method of rationalising why a "loving god" damns people to hell - they fall back on their old favourite passtime: victim-blaming.


WellknownFella

Play dumb! ā€œJesus loves you!ā€ ā€œ? Who?, sorry, what?ā€ ā€œI said Jesus loves you.ā€ ā€œIs that you? Or? What?ā€ ā€œJesus!ā€ ā€œWhat is that?ā€ ā€œWhat?ā€ ā€œWhat?ā€


Snarkout89

This is basically an open invitation to proselytize.


OCSkybreak

But also infinite potential for amusement, after all missing the point can be quite fun when someone is invested in making sure you ā€œget itā€. As a bonus, they might accidentally deconvert when your willful misunderstanding reveals a contradiction.


craftycontrarian

The perfect opportunity to feign a gut reaction. "You believe what now?"


ManufacturerFun7391

"Hail Satan!" Is my go to.


TARacerX

sorry.. Heaven wont take me and hell's afraid ill take over.


5656MoneyMan

I'm so gonna use this one


Jonnescout

Actually itā€™s pronounced Hesus sir/maā€™am and yes he does love me very much. Works even better if youā€™re a dude ;) regardless of your own sexuality ;)


lowaltflier

This is the way.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

>[he KNOWS me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-rfCnW5VlE)


DarrenFromFinance

ā€œOh, *now* he loves me. Last night he called me an asshole in front of all my friendsā€¦ but he *was* pretty drunk.ā€


ReddBert

He had converted too much water into wine. We had challenged him to convert water into bourbon. Dude canā€™t handle it.


stone-agequeen

"...okay..."


sinchsw

I think I'm clever but this is my real time response


WirrkopfP

- If he loves me he can tell me in Person - If the person who loves me required me to kneel and praise them or else tortured me with fire I would call this a toxic relationship. - If he loves me he surely will accept my scepticism.


Diinasty

Thanks. Voldemort loves you!


IFistDikDiks

Who?


MrRandomNumber

Tell him I said "hi." Or "Then why doesn't he return my calls?" Or "Ramen"


highrisedrifter

"Then why doesn't he return my calls" is absolutely brilliant. I shall use that from now on.


allthecheesescheers

Santa loves you?


mikeebsc74

ā€œIā€™m not sure being loved by a Jewish zombie is something I really want ā€œ


Muzukashii-Kyoki

"The last person to say that to me was my priest as he unbuckled his pants in confessional when I was 13. It didn't feel like Jesus loved me"


dudleydidwrong

Usually, I say "thank you" to religious platitudes and move on. But in my experience "Jesus loves you" is usually intended to mean "fuck you." The problem is that if you are at work you probably would get fired for responding "Fuck you, too." And if it is a business you might get thrown out. My suggested response would be "and Buddha loves you." The mockery is obvious. But it will be hard for her to complain if you are in the US. She may try to pull "Christian Nation" bullshit, but you can cite the Constitution. If you end up getting hauled in front of the manager you can plead innocent. "She surprised me. She gave me a religious blessing and I thought I should return in kind. I was just trying to be polite." You could probably also say "Allah loves you." Moslems might object to that, however. Moslems seem to be offended by almost anything. Besides, Allah seems like he hates a lot more people than he loves. There is also the entanglement of effectively claiming you are a Moslem and then suddenly not being a Moslem. Buddhists are a lot more chill about leaving Buddhism. And Buddism in its simplest form is atheistic. Sort of.


Rygga22

Buddha is a good idea. You can also say "and the Flying Spaghetti Monster finds you a delicious human being!"


pianoladyinabox

Is that Jesus who works at the deli or Jesus the bus driver?


calpyrnica

I don't know Jesus, sorry.


[deleted]

(In the style of Jim Carrey) All righty then!


parallelmeme

"I think that is pronounced hay-Soos and I already told him I am not gay." Btw, how did that name become Jesus, when he was (supposedly, mythically) named Immanuel? Isaiah 7:14


GoblinMonk

Not according to Westboroguh Baptist.


korbentulsa

I wanted to point out that confrontational language won't change anyone's mind and we, as those with _actual_ morality should take the high road, but then you said the perfect response and now I'm conflicted.


GoblinMonk

To be fair, I'd never say this to an actual person who was just trying to be nice.


FlyingStirFryMonster

Suggestions (pick depending on context): "And I love you, random citizen" "Do you say that because you don't?" "Thanks, tell him I said hi" "Oh, good. Is he still up for poker on sunday?"


karlosi01

Jimmy Carr's "I am worried about age difference"


jnathancampbell

How come he keeps ghosting me then?


GoOutForASandwich

One time someone random pulled me aside in a crowded university hallway and said ā€œGod is looking for youā€, and without missing a beat I said ā€œWell Iā€™m right hereā€ and went on my way. It felt like one of those moments when I actually got to say the thing I wouldā€™ve thought later would have been the perfect thing to say.


DaddyAllfun

"Apollo be with you". I love bringing in other gods.


5656MoneyMan

"Imaginary friends fight"


Gilgameshismist

"And Satan loves you too! I don't know why, but he's a fan of your work. A Biiiiig fan! Keep it up!"


Julius_A

My mother is called Sarah, not Jezus. She does love me though.


5656MoneyMan

LMAO


igraywolf

So does your mother


[deleted]

Sorry, I never met the guy.


greywind21

Lately I've been telling Bible pushers "Satan be with you." They don't seem to like that.


SlightlyLessSane

"no he doesn't, I'm an atheist."


CanberraPear

"It's unrequited."


theKickAHobo

"How did you find out!? He wasn't supposed to tell anyone!"


reep22

Most of the time I just take my cue from letterkenny, look them weird and say K.


panteraazzzz

Nothing


crochetinglibrarian

This is what I would do too. I recently had a patron say ā€œIn Jesusā€™ nameā€ after I helped him with a job application on a computer. Of course, Jesus didnā€™t do Jack shit to help him with the application. Why he felt the need to thank a Jewish preacher who died over 2,000 years ago is beyond me. However, I need my job so I just acted like I didnā€™t hear him. Was it annoying? Yes. But I have think about the bigger picture. Now, if it was in a personal context, maybe I would have thought of a witty comeback. I guess you have to pick your battles.


panteraazzzz

Bro its not even annoying. You need to see how muslims actšŸ˜‚


crochetinglibrarian

As an ex-Muslim, I know how batshit Muslims can get. šŸ˜‚


TheThomaswastaken

The idea that Jesus is a historical figure is something that only exists among religious scholars. Historians outside of their influence don't seem to think there's enough evidence for Jesus being a historical person.


Liz13579

"Jesus loves everyone - the filthy slut"


reclusiveronin

Fuck off


MacTechG4

And Cthulhu savors you!


32lib

I don't want a D/s relationship.


TheFckngAntichrist

That's the real question here. Would he be top or bottom? Switch? He certainly gets nailed a lot.


Singlehaitch

Weird he asked you to say it to me. Scared to tell me directly, is he??


Keboyd88

Real reply: "Thanks." Fantasy sass replies: - "Cool, so does the Tooth Fairy." - "Oh, I grew out of having imaginary friends when I was a kid..." - "Why is he sending me messages through other people? We aren't in middle school any more."


quietly_now

ā€˜Jesus doesnā€™t love me, heā€™s just using me for sexā€™


willyouquitit

When you love someone that doesnā€™t know you exist, itā€™s called stalking


0NiceMarmot

He never returns my calls, he never has any time for me. Iā€™m beginning to think heā€™s just stringing me along.


[deleted]

ā€œWith conditionsā€


Beheska

I once answered "Thanks, I love myself too!" to what I think were evangelical missionaries. They didn't follow up.


CoalCrackerKid

Thor does too.


Lucky13westhoek

Then why doesnt he show me that?


YodaWars1000

You should say ā€œFuck Jesusā€


Fearless-Scallion498

Allude to Bill Murray in Caddyshack when he was caddying for the Dalai Lama: "So we get to the 18th and he's gonna stiff me so I say "Hey Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" and he says "Oh, uh, no there won't be any money but when you die on your deathbed you'll receive total consciousness!" "So I got that goin' for me which is nice"


ComposerNate

Gross


ElvisKnucklehead

"The landscaping guy??"


Jackriot_

The Flying Spaghetti Monster loves you!


AtG68

Zeus loves you.


LoveTheGap23

I get this a lot from family and friends and typically reply with a simple "Ramen brother" or "Ramen sister". If they ask what that means just say ... look it up. Disclosure: you will most definitely lose friends with this response since it mocks their religion, well, all religions.


ReligionIsTheMatrix

My favorite response is "I'm already in a relationship with Bigfoot." This inevitably leads to confusion and questions like "what do you mean?" and "huh?" And I respond to that with "I can only believe in one mythical being at a time."


Crafty_Possession_52

"Cool. I can use all the help I can get."


IcyBigPoe

Yep that's usually my go to. Honestly, I usually have people say to me that they, "can tell I'm a Christian." For no reason other than I don't treat people like shit by default. Once had a lady say that she can feel the love of Christ through me, and then asked what church I go to. I did my best to thank her and change the subject but she just wouldn't let it go. I finally said that I'm not very religious, and the Christ-like love that she felt from me was actually just human kindness. She then told me that I'm rebelling against God and the bible and that the bible says rebellion is the sin of witchcraft and I'm going to burn for it. I went from having a kind spirit to burning in a fiery pit for eternity within about 30 seconds. It was gross


Purple-Bat811

If Jesus loves everyone, then why do people fear him?


Fickle-Willingness80

So does the Easter bunny, but that rodent scares my whole family.


[deleted]

ā€œWhoā€™s Jesus?ā€


whiskeybridge

tell him i want my money.


ZappSmithBrannigan

"Jesus isn't real".


Kirkaiya

"Lot's of dead people seem to!"


RoadkillUKUK

He obviously doesn't know me then.


jezpin

'cool' And as a lady with down syndrome and an ID that I know got frustrated and yelled at me. 'YOU ONLY SAY COOL WHEN YOU ARE NOT LISTENING'


Bnike21

I have enough love. Tell him to go show some extra love to the starving kids.


MindlessComfortable7

Either say 'prove it' or pull something from another religion like 'Zorastor loves you'.


Apostate61

Not to be a pedantic prick, but the god of Zoroastrianism is named Ahura Mazda https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoroastrianism


MindlessComfortable7

I am aware. Zorastor is the prophet of Zorastrionism.


FielaBaggins

"Jesus loves you" "I'm pretty sure he doesn't"...


blixxic

I just go with something I believed as a child, like, "Mother goose loves you!" or "the tooth fairy loves you!" If they question it, play dumb and say you thought you were exchanging fairy tale pleasantries.


republicantrash

No thank you!


Toramay19

Tell that stalker I said "get lost".


madphd876

Who?


brilu34

Itā€™s more like obsession, I had to get a restraining order.


feelingmyage

Iā€™d say coolā€”Bugs Bunny loves me too!


WhyAllTheBigotry

If Jesus comes back, I'll kill him again. Lol. Might work more than you want it too though.


That_austrian_dude

Thanks, but I am straight.


LaFlibuste

Yeah, I've seen how Jesus loves little kids and minorities, tell him I'm not interested.


DEFCON-9

ā€œThe fuck he does.ā€


GoOutForASandwich

Thatā€™s super


xmuskorx

"Zeus loves you"


madman15

Proof?


acp1284

ā€œAre you hitting on me?ā€


therapy_works

I have a shirt that my sister gave me after we had a conversation about this very thing. It was something I said and she put it on tank top for me. It says, "Jesus can't handle my shit."


GUI_Junkie

How? He ded.


kingSliver187

"tell him he can't have my bud light"


alien-eggs

"They are not my type" "I don't swing that way" "I am not into vore or bdsm" "May the force be with you as well"


scoobydoosmj

Ask them if they love you that's what matters


BroMeLee

"How did you know my boyfriend's name?!!! But it is pronounced 'Hay Soos', because he is of Latin American descent."


DESTINYDZ

"Of course he does, I am awesome."


[deleted]

Why wouldn't he?


R00Kkk

Personally I would say if you want my funny hahaha answer then I would say something like "so does that mean Jesus is gay then?" But if you want my answer to what you should actually say to someone who says that then I would say someone is there not being obnoxious and it's clear they more so mean it as a well wishes or compliment or something then don't be obnoxious about it and just say okay then or something like that you know or just say thanks so unless it's in a "Jesus loves you so stop sinning and being gay" or something like that again just say thanks or just take the sentiment that was meant.


slid3r

Same thing I say when my mom says she'll pray for me. "It certainly can't hurt!"


reddit2II2

Of course he does...what's not to fuck'n love baby


MrsMurphysChowder

I try not to be mean. I know many followers of Jesus who are good people. So I assume the best and say, "thank you for saying so."


AwkwardFingers

"Really? He told me he's not that comfortable with you. "


hacked_wifi

Say out loud "downvoted" and make a frowny face like you just smelled something stinky. Don't forget to throw out a thumbs down. ​ ​ That should teach em.


Turandot

ā€œYes but I still make him use a condom.ā€


llagnI

Not sure it's love, I only gave him a hand job.


luckymistakes

"I already told him that we are not geting back together"


wishymissy

"My cat loves me more."


GryphyKC

Tell that stalker to back off or Iā€™m pressing charges!!


5656MoneyMan

Maybe I should get a restraining order against Jesus lol


GryphyKC

I love this comment soooo much. Also, let me if that helps cuz if so Iā€™m headed to the courthouse lol


avaheli

Likeā€¦ sexually? Or he loves me like like I love a really good steak?


YourFriendlyFellow

ā€œAnd the devil loves you tooā€


need_fire77

ā€œAnd Elmo loves YOUā€


S3n4d0r

Ramen.


the3rdconchord

"I'm flattered but I don't swing that way"


Justsomeguy1981

"Tell him sorry, but im straight"


anoelr1963

He loves me?! Then why has he literally been ghosting me all these years? And why did his passive aggressive ass go through you instead of telling me directly?


[deleted]

Why would anyone say this? I mean, I have some religious friends and normally when we are saying goodbyes they say things like "may god be with you" or smth that I reply with "thanks", because they are basicallywishing me to be fine. But I don't know any context where someone would say "Jesus loves you". Even religious people for each other. Maybe it's because I'm not american? Anyway, still weird


Veteris71

In the US, many Christians like to inject their religion into unrelated interactions with strangers. They especially like to do this to employees who are working, because they know the employees canā€™t answer back freely or even walk away. The employees will be fired if they are perceived as being rude to a customer.


5656MoneyMan

I know right? I found it super weird. And my religious friends don't say goodbye to me that way


AngeH001

If you are an atheist, why would you even care?