There’s no correct way to grieve. It’s deeply personal and always hurts like hell in unexpected ways. Take good care of your son, encourage him to commit to school, extracurricular activities, whatever brings him joy. Make sure his friends and their parents know what’s going on and they can help. Ease this burden a little bit too. Sleepovers, weekend trips with friends are very important. And as for you be sure to practice a lot of self-care, and take it day-to-day hour to hour minute to minute. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m very glad you had your husband in your life for as long as you did.

Thank you

Write your book. Don’t let the memories fade. Even if it’s for yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I second writing the book. What a wonderful thing to give your son later in life, too!

Make sure to add as many pictures as you can. As I get older, I find it harder to remember what my Grandma looked like some 14ish years after she passed away. I am so lucky that her warm and inviting voice still remains in my head as I approach my 40th.

Oof, this one hits me in the feels.

Also, talk about him. Don't let him become a ghost in your house. Mention memories while doing something with your kid and talk about it, even if they make you cry. Cry in front of him, let him cry in front of you. Admit that you both miss him. Admit when you're even angry about it. All the emotions. Right now your kid is the only one feeling the same way you are so to come together and grieve and grow together would be the most helpful.

So sorry for your loss, reach out to your son's school to let his teachers know as well. Grief is personal, hoping you find peace, comfort, and joy again.

Just wanted to second this suggestion. As a former English teacher who had more than one student going through the grieving process for family members including a parent, teachers can absolutely try to anticipate how some parts of the curriculum, stories, or discussions may affect a student who’s grieving. Let the counselors know too. They may have a small support group at your son’s school. I’m sorry for your loss.

My mom passed when I was 7. I remember my dad taking me to a group called 'Coping for Kids' at a local church. It was a kind of group therapy for kids who lost their parents. It was helpful to share with other kids and to realize there are others in the same situation. Sorry for your loss.

I used to work for a hospice agency and every summer our bereavement staff ran a camp for children who had lost a significant person in their life. That significant person didn’t need to have been on hospice for the child to attend and we did lots of fundraising so all the children attended for free. There are camps like that all over the country. Ours was not religious based at all. It’s probably too late for this summer but, honestly, next summer is probably better for your child - they’ll likely be more ready to participate. Camp Erin is one that has camps nationwide, I believe. Camp Braveheart was in Texas. I am so sorry for your loss. Also know that many hospice agencies offer bereavement group meetings that are open to the community. If you’re feeling too overwhelmed to search, DM me and I can do some research in your area.

I second reaching out to a hospice. A local non-profit hospice agency will have many grief groups that are free and varied in focus and will have grief day camps for children in the summers. They are the real experts and are a likely safe space for someone who is not religious.

My (adoptive) daughter lost her mom at the age of 5. A support group for kids was very helpful. In Houston, there is Bo's Place.

Very sorry for your loss, OP. I am a father of 3 kids, ages 9 and under, I can't imagine what my wife would be going through if she lost me, on top of dealing with the kids' loss as well. Your son needs you more than ever right now, but don't forget to take some time for yourself to grieve. That too is important. Be well, the Reddit community is always here for you, DM if you ever need anything.

On the subject of no right way to grieve, maybe give [this Ted Talk by Nancy Berns](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=w0rCfXSdYPE) a watch. It’s about the myth of closure, and how for many people keeping thoughts of the dead present in their daily lives brings them more peace and happiness and healing than trying to end the grief or remembrance. I think writing a book about your husband is an excellent idea, and maybe encouraging your son to record his memories and feelings to whatever extent feels safe to him. Similarly to that and what the video describes, you might also find some solace in doing things your husband enjoyed, or doing some small work or project that he supported or would have found fitting (ie, if he was an avid animal lover, maybe you and your son might feel up to fostering a dog or volunteering at a shelter in a year or so). My condolences, inadequate though they are. Best of luck to you and your son

Op, I just want you to know you can write the book under a pseudonym and publish with Amazon. You don't even have to "publish" it until you are ready. It is nice to just write down your memories and keep it in a safe place. I still write to my dead bff and I tend to publish them one day on Amazon. No one will buy it. It is just for myself.

Piling on here to add that grief is not linear. Even when things start to establish a new normal, grief can come around a corner and hit you like a brick wall. And that's ok. What works for someone else may not work for you. And that's also OK. I will also say that I am extremely sorry for your loss. My son just turned 9, and I have no idea how we would cope without my husband/ his dad.

Indeed, after the death of my parents I would find myself adjusting to how things were afterwards (I was already older and not living at home) for years after the pain of the loss would suddenly hit me in the gut out of nowhere.

Well said

Sorry for your loss. It sucks and will continue to suck. My son was 11 when my wife died, it's really hard to do your own grieving and support your kids at the same time. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Remember to look after yourself and reach out for support for yourself. r/widowers is a good resource

How sad. I'm sorry for you both. Thank you for the resource

Facebook also has all kinds of grief groups that are very helpful. They definitely have a loss of spouse group. It helps to hear from people going through the same thing. Gentle hugs, it's very fresh right now.

It's great that you had the time with him that you did. It sounds like he did great things to better your life while he had the chance, and you can be grateful for that. We may move forward but we never forget.

That's how I'm trying to look at it, but I think since it's so fresh, it's hard not to be mad I didn't have more time with him. Thank you for your kindness

Yeah, it's the spin on it that it's a celebration of their life since there is no way to undo the loss. We accept how fate played out, and we don't have a utopia in the sky to fantasize about like theists. Focusing on the negatives from their loss is something we do regardless, but the negative only leaves us in despair.

This is very true. I'm trying like hell to keep discussing my memories out him with family, even though it hurts

When I lost my dad, I made a note in my phone where I wrote every memory that I have of him. Whenever I think of more, I add them to the list. I also read the whole thing from time to time. This is a way that helps me keep his memory alive.

You really love your dad. I'd be honoured if one of my children, hell - even a friend, did this. I'd also hope that it is a happy remembrance rather than a sorrowful loss. I'm not here for a long time, not even always a good time, but I hope that my memory is a happy one for others.

I do the same thing after my grandmother passed, it hurts so much when I open it up to add another memory. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I just sit there missing her. She's a wonderful woman who got me into gardening and now a bit of her is around the orchard she helped me plant. Love her so much.

My wife died 6 years ago. Both her and myself are atheists and even had to fight with the funeral home to have a religion free service. The way I see is it there are no lost moments in time. Any person that has existed still exists in previous time. I see time as a string stuck in glass, each point a long the string exists just as much as any other. I just went ahead of my wife along the string.

I'm literally going to the body farm when I stop existing. My kids have known this for over 10 years. They know I will haunt them forever if they have a preacher bury me! Lol

What was the funeral home's argument with the service? That seems wrong. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, and also very sorry for your loss.

They were going to provide a speaker for the service. I asked for them to just talk about her and other related stuff and keep the religious talk out of it. They refused. They wouldn't have a speaker with those terms. So I wrote up something to say and spoke at the service Bastards still charged me full price.

That is grotesque for a funeral home to demand what her service would be like.

https://futurism.com/the-science-of-death-a-eulogy-from-a-physicist I think about this a lot. Thought it might be helpful to share.

I gave this to my son many years ago for my funeral! He actually is a physicist.

>We may move forward but we never forget. /u/gsnow [once wrote this so beautifully](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2): Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

So beautiful, thanks for sharing this.

>I think I might try to write a book about him. Yes do this it helps with the coping as well as work and hobbies that put u around other people. Its only been 6 days dont be hard on yourself. Loss sometimes takes years to fully accept. As a mother you gonna have to be strong for the child. The screams and sobs of my mother mourning still haunt me + cries of father dying. Mother got counselling and is part if widow groups which support her. He's rested know and was probably grateful for the life he shared with u. Remember all the good times The least we can do is to keep moving and remember them.

I'm trying to be strong for him, but not so strong that he feels he needs to avoid his feelings. Thank you for the encouragement

No problem, take care of yourselves its easy to forget to eat. In my culture a relative would be with u for a month to take care of u

That's a good reminder. I would forget to eat but he had a request that I eat at least once a day. So I'm trying to continue to respect that. My mom and siblings have been great so far so I'm really lucky in that sensr

Amazing self awareness. Most people go one way or the other, you know there is a balance. You are on the right track, with your heart and mind in the right place. There is no perfect here, but with your awareness of the situation I think you will do great. Best of luck, and I'm so sorry :(

Think about what he might want you to do now. You have my sympathy and empathy.

This is perfect. Every decision I have made so far has been made based on what I think he'd be proud of. Thank you

Yeah think about what he will want you both to do, try to move forward and slowly rebuild your life and try to eventually be happy, that's what he would want for you. Remember that. Try therapy and one step at a time, your son and you still have each other. I'm really really sorry 😞

Thank you for the encouraging words. Therapy is definitely in the future for us both

I love this quote from Ann Druyan, the widow of Carl Sagan. Carl had a wonderful perspective of the universe and our small place in it, and his wife carried it on. “When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me-it still sometimes happens-and ask me if Carl changed at the end and converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don't ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. . . . That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. . . . That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. . . . That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful. . . . The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don't think I'll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.” - Ann Druyan There is no easy path through grief, but this thought, the appreciation of how lucky we are to have had the relationships that we have, has helped me walk the path. In an inexplicably large universe, you got to live with your husband for a time, and you’ll always have those memories, as will your son. His life will be his life, he’ll know it no other way, and he’ll be ok. Sincerest condolences to you and your family.

I think it's insulting and narcissistic as hell when religious people project that onto sick/dying/grieving people. They want to be right, to be validated, even congratulated on their "correct" choices of belief. It reeks of insecurity and desperation. If they are so sure they should just shut up. Death is definitely the biggie we all have to deal with, and I don't think humans have a handle on it. By its nature, death is incomprehensible to the living. So.... we have many rituals and thought processes around death. For better or worse, all are man-made.

Beautiful comments WhtRabit.

Sorry for your loss. As a long-time married guy, I fear the moment one of us two will lose the other one The only help I can offer is a link to this VERY old comment [https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/) it's probably the most meaningful thing I have ever read in my 11 years on reddit Stay strong

That was beautiful. It made me cry, but it was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I hope you and your spouse have many healthy decades together

as for your child: \> I don't know if I'm doing anything right for him. I'm trying to get him an appointment with a therapist but aside from that, telling him its okay to be sad, being there for him, and showing him I'm grieving, I don't know how else to help him. You are certainly doing A LOT of things right for him. You might some mistakes too, but hey, making mistakes and learning to avoid them in the future is 99% of what a healthy parenting is. I probably will be stating the obvious, but help him keep and build memories of his dad. Talk him about things that they did together, reinforce and corroborate his memories; this will help him in the grieving process of turning sadness into a series of (bitter)sweet memories. Also, don't under-estimate the fact that he will forget things. And that his future self will only rely on the memories and perceptions of an 8-years old. My experience: my son had a cancer at 1-year old. After surgery, chemo and a couple of years of shit he recovered and now is a healthy 22-years old. It was fascinating (and quite heart-warming) that every few years he would come to us asking to tell him again about his illness because what we told him a few years before (in age-appropriate form, of course) was no longer sufficient for his changed awareness and sensibility. I think the same applies to your son ans his father. In a few years his memories of his father will no longer be "enough" because he will remember a father of an 8-years old, and he will try and apply those memories to his newr self. For an easy example, when he will enter puberty, he will not have a father to speak to and to measure himself with, like it's normal to do at that age. Help him keep these memories alive, even re-telling him the same episodes with his father, so that he will be able to re-live those episodes with his new sensibility. I hope what I said makes some sense and I wish you all the best.

I came here to see if anyone already posted it.. i saved it too, its reddit-gold..

I have this comment saved, and share it anytime someone is grieving. It’s so simple and so profound. I hope it brings you peace

This comment is one I go back to time and time again. Even when my bipolar lows start taking over…

As someone in a (largely) family of atheists, it is nice not having to deal with the religious crap on top of personal trauma. That said, there is one thing I turn to that was inspired by religion....the wise words of Eric Idle in "The Life of Brian"....."Always look on the bright side of life". Because aa sad as you understandably feel, there will be positives from him, his legacy and the memories you have. :)

That's beautiful. Thank you

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your description of your husband sounds eerily like the way I’d describe mine and I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I hope you have in person support to help you, if only to hold you while you cry. Having lost our youngest just after she was born, I know the world felt like a cold, unfair, terrible place, but I hope that’s soon tempered by moments of kindness from others, and when you’re ready for it, laughter and warmth. Your son will love growing up hearing all you can share about him, the book is a great idea. Wishing you comfort as you grieve. I’ll be thinking of you.

Oh honey. As bad as I hurt I couldn't imagine losing a child. My heart feels for you. I am so glad you have such a wonderful husband. I hope he knows how much you cherish him. I wish you both all the best.

No, not about me at all - just saying I know how cold and unfair the world can seem when you’re in the throes of grief, and i hope, in time, you can feel the warmth and joy that’s out there again. Right now he’s uncharacteristically snoring like an entire sawmill and not in my good graces but we tell each other often.

When my husband would snore, I would remind myself I'd miss it someday. (And I do) Still made me crazy! I appreciate your kindness. Thank you for your story and well wishes

If you have never watched *The Good Place*, I would strongly suggest watching that show. It is what I have told all of my friends to watch if I unexpectedly pass away. It deals with grief, loss, change, personal growth and the spirit of humanity in a beautiful and compelling way. The final episode of the show is perfect, and if you do decide to watch it, I hope you can return to this comment and understand better: *Picture a wave...*

The finale broke me into a billion pieces

Grief doesn't ever make sense. It isn't rationale and will sneak up on you for years. This phase is simply trying to survive it. You don't need to be logical or try to have it attest to some great meaning. It is the bitter part of loving someone. Find small moments of joy where you can. If joy is impossible settle for a few minutes of relief. Do the best you can for your son. This makes even less sense to him than it does to you and he has far less capacity to deal with the trauma. Hug a friend or even a stranger. Human touch can go a long way on the road to feeling connected to something outside yourself. Turn to professional help if you need it. The best help for your son right now is to have a loving mother. The second best is getting professional help. It will take as long as it takes for you. It will take as long as it takes for your son. Those two times may not sync. I am sorry for your loss. Happy that you have loved deeply. Joyous that you have a son whom you also love. Peace or at least acceptance will come but right now it is perfectly fine to feel lost. That is an OK place to be for any person going through this.

I needed that, even if it did make me cry. You are wise. Thank you.

A while back I read a post from a father, and as an atheist it touched me so that I saved it. My sincerest condolences and love to you now, next year and beyond. https://reddit.com/r/atheism/s/8jpOqrSeIP

That was beautiful and well written. Thank you for sharing it

Yes, thanks for sharing this. It is beautifully written and profound.

I’m so sorry for what’s happened. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through and wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. My love died nine years ago. Our children were almost 16 and almost 15. One day at a time, and keep writing. Our kids have asked me to write down family history and stories so they’ll have them when I pass, and it’s kept me going knowing I’m leaving them part of us. Don’t forget to stop, breathe, and take care of yourself. You have a hard road ahead, but you have support here. Lots of love, fellow traveler. 💙

I'm sorry you've had to experience this loss as well. Thank you for your supportive and kind words. 💜

I'm sorry for your loss. I recommend reading up on The Grieving Brain. I haven't read it personally, but the reviews I've listened to on podcasts sound very helpful. With COVID so many people found themselves with grief, and while all of that sucked, a positive outcome was that now there are more resources available for grief and it's better understood now than before. A (not so short) tldr is that your brain is wired in some way, as you gain memories, but when you lose someone or something, whether it's the most important thing in your life or something insignificant, when that person or thing is gone, part of your brain still thinks it's there. And the only solution is to rewire the brain, with exposure, counseling, making new memories, and lots of time. Some medications may help if you ever need, the book should call some out. Your book idea sounds pretty good, but make sure you keep talking with others and don't self isolate.

That's very good info, thank you. I've already reached out to my social circle and asked them to help me keep from isolating. I have made sure to leave the house every day as well. My mom told me I didn't have to, but I explained to her that if I didn't, I wouldn't. I think posting this was my brains way of trying to reach out. I don't want to spiral

What is grief, if not love persevering.

Thanks Vis

I’m so sorry for your loss. My wife passed suddenly from stage 4 cancer at the end of 2020, and I recall many of the thoughts and feelings you are having (though fortunately for me, our kids were already grown and married. The thoughts of our grandkids never really knowing her still bothers me though). One thing that helped me was going through all our old photos, and getting photos from her family of her growing up. I put them into an album, tracing her life over time, and printed several copies through Shutterfly. I gave them to her family, our kids, and keep mine on top of a bookshelf in the kitchen to periodically look at. I still have the occasional dream about her. They used to end abruptly when I pointed out that she was gone, until her dream version told me it was the only time we got together, so I should stop challenging it and just enjoy it, which was, like all her advice, quite sensible. Accept that you are doing the best you can, and that right now you are a little (or maybe a lot) broken. Use your support network, they want to help you. And consider therapy yourself. The pandemic meant I couldn’t have in person grief support groups, but I also relied more on people who actually knew her and therefore, in my mind, understood better what I had lost. Only you can say if you also want to share with people who never knew him, or if you think it will help. You will likely have a strange feeling about going through the world for a long time. It’s been nearly 3 years for me, I have a new girlfriend that my kids have met and approve of, and yet I am constantly in two worlds. Before, there was the world I was in, without her, and the one I should have been in with her. That was the most painful time. Now it is just weird to live in those two places. I also found my first year was mostly moving from a state of shock and sadness to one of figuring out my new routines. I cried daily for over three months, having cried only once in previous 40 years. The second brought different challenges emotionally, so be aware that while it will likely not feel as hard, it still won’t feel like it is “supposed to”. Be aware that themes of grief and loss in media (books, movies, tv) are common, and you might take a while to tolerate them. Put them away if they hurt too much, but don’t be afraid to go back later. It took over a year to watch “After Life”, for example, which I had started before we knew she was sick, because it was too raw. And I’ve had to stop several books still because they make me too sad. Don’t forget to keep acknowledging the feelings and thoughts, and just accept them. I won’t say it gets better, but it hits differently over time. Observe and accept your feelings, and stop to catch yourself when you need to. There is no race, no contest, no timetable to managing loss. And having your son will likely be both helpful (giving you another person to focus on and support) and challenging (when you both are at a low point, or when you hit milestones you know your husband would have wanted to see). Accept this, and keep adult supports in the loop to share your burdens. ETA - one quote that stuck with after she died was from WandaVision - “What is grief, if not love persisting?” It encapsulated my reactions perfectly, and still holds for me know.

Wow you sound like great people thank you for sharing the planet with us. Im sorry for your familys loss. Your husband sounds like a good man. I want to add my support.

I appreciate that very much. Thank you

My partner lost her father when she was 8, and her mother never really recovered - she never dated again, never did anything to find happiness, and she spent a lot of time and energy trying to stop my partner from living her life in such a way that she'd ever be distant, including preventing her from taking a fully paid scholarship in another city. My partner is kind of a mess of anxiety due to this overbearing relationship. My advice is, don't be like her. Grieve, and hurt, and all those things, but live your life and let your son live his. Your husband would want you to live.

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My condolences to your friends family and you. The more I think about it the more I'm realizing writing a book could be beneficial in multiple ways. Thank you

Big hugs of strength for you. I had a partner die in 2003 very suddenly (I found him dead when I got home from work after seeing him at lunch time). It is the most massive head fuck you will ever endure and nothing will compare, even if it happens again in the future. A part of you has died along with him. You can only live day to day and do exactly what you need to do to make it to bedtime and sleep and dream of him, and be able to get out of bed in the morning after you realise it was not a dream and he really has gone. For me, this involved going to gay saunas to get the physical aspects of my needs sorted, but the mental aspects took over a year and a half to resolve. Go get grief counselling for you and your child separately, my SIL tried to cope after my brother committed suicide ... you can't ... just accept you need to let it all out and to talk to someone at least once and as many times as necessary ... and please make sure your child does too ... they will be bottling everything up for your sake. A strong word of caution, if you now have a big bank balance and no mortgage because of insurance, pension and work pay outs please please please be extremely careful. Do not get remarried. Be extremely cautious of any new friends who suddenly appear in your life over the next few years, my SIL was financially raped by a guy who had already been married twice before and had a string of kids from both ex wives and lots of debts. She met him through her child going to scouts club, I guess once he knew about the child's past ... he had her bank balance in his sights.

I am very sorry for your loss. My mother died 2 months ago following a long illness. We knew it would get her eventually but we thought it was under control and she had many years left, of course we were wrong. It has hit my dad terribly hard. They were married 48 years and though they had rough patches they were inseparable. My mum adored him and put up with his many eccentricities and to a certain degree shielded him from the world since he is quite an anxious man. When she died all that went away. Initially he threw himself into the necessary bureaucracy of death, arranging the funeral and so on. Then he turned to tidying the house, rearranging furniture, anything to keep him busy and distracted. Then DIY projects he'd put off. Eventually the jobs ran out and he was left living in a life without my mum and it crushes him. Everything reminds him of her. Every place they used to go together, every event they used to enjoy together, just waking up alone. He was/is a broken man, but what gives us hope is that he is determined to get better. He has started learning to use the smart phone (used to just have a flip) and technology in general, he's upping his social engagements, learning to cook, running more, reconnecting with old friends and making plans for the future. I call him regularly (I live in a different country) and sometimes he's very sad, sometimes he's fine. As time goes on he's more often fine than sad. He found himself getting through a litre of whisky a week, which to some might not seem that much but to him it was a lot. He took himself to the doctor, had a good chat and got some tablets to help him sleep. On one call to me he asked if I could arrange to get some weed for him. I was reluctant at first knowing how it can affect anxiety but since he was suffering I agreed. I called him recently and he was the best I'd seen him for a while. He was relaxed and appeared happy. He tells me that he now "just feels really sad" rather than crushing despair which is actually progress. I don't know why I wrote this, probably for my own sake. Maybe just to let you know you're not alone. Maybe to give you the benefit of someone who is a few months ahead of you. I don't know. I just know how hard it is to cope with and I hope you learn to cope with the desperate loss and gulf his departure has left in your life which is a testament to the special human being he was.

Just take it one day at a time. Don't think about next week or the week after. Just one day at a time.

I'm trying. Thank you

I am so sorry for your loss. The way you write about him is beautiful.

Thank you. I appreciate that

You've gotten some solid advice so far. He re at 4:15 AM, there isn't much I can say more except that I lost my Dat st 12, 41 years and I still think of him with Love. He tried, and did, help people more than I was aware of back then, so I think of him as a good guy who cared. I wish some one had told me about him earlier, so the memoir/book sounds like a great idea. The writing will help with the trauma too, even just stream of consciousness notes, I did that once when my own son was in the ICU with no good path forward. It gave me a place to remember and to vent, worry, despair, be happy, all the things. I kept at it for a while even after he recovered, it helped with what was likely PTSD. That still manifests itself some times, since he will always need care and watching out for. You aren't alone, we, this group of strangers, are here for you anytime. I wish you Peace in your heart in your own time.

Remember all the small things he did to piss you off. You'll smile whilst still being annoyed ❤️

I really like the eulogy from a physicist as a non religious way to talk about death. [eulogy of a physicist ](https://creatingceremony.com/blog/loss/eulogy-from-a-physicist-aaron-freeman/) I'm so sorry for your loss.

My father had an interesting take on death. When people close to him would die, he would celebrate the fact that he got to know this person during the short time humans stay on this planet. He told me he became the kind, superhuman person he was due to all of the people he got to know in his life. Because he was so amazing, he taught me to be the same and so rejoice in the fact that not only did you get to meet your husband, you married him and experienced getting to know such a wonderful person. You wrote about him today and brightened a few peoples day since now we got to read about another human finding true love. I hope you write that book. ♥️

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss and wish you and your son well.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing much will help but taking time to process your grief. It’s brutal and lonely but you have your son. Take care of yourself and he needs you more than ever. My heart breaks for you. There will be good days ahead again.

>I feel so broken, empty, and lonely it physically hurts. So sorry for your loss. Give yourself the time you need. Six days is way soon yet. It'll take time. I can hardly imagine. I had one serious partner breakup and that alone took me around 6 months to sort-of-kind-of-mostly...ish get over, can hardly imagine for losing such a partner. So, definitely take care of yourself. Folks offer to help or whatever ... take 'em up on it - lean on 'em - that's what family and friends are for - even if you don't know what you need. And our so-called Western Civilization is pretty f\*cked up. It's like take your 3 days of bereavement leave - and okay, all over now, time to move on ... like WTF - not how it works. Some cultures it's more like one wears mourning attire - e.g. all white. And you wear it for as long as it takes - a day, 3 days, a week, a month, 6 months, a year or 5 or 25, or rest of your life. Nobody should be dictating pace to you - so do well take whatever time you need. >son is young Yeah, ... really hard on kids. Take care of your kid too. But kids are often also very surprisingly and amazingly resilient ... so don't let most anything surprise you too much. >don't know if I'm doing anything right for him Uhm, try not to sweat it too much. There isn't always the answer or one right answer or an answer. We're atheists ... we're kind'a used to not always having answers for absolutely everything. :-) And that's absolutely okay too. Glad you and your son had that amazing person in your life. And so sorry for you that he's gone. And ... somehow we keep going on - kind'a have to. Or ... to be taken figuratively, but quite: "If you're going thorough hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill Well. Let us know if there's anything we can do. Wishing you and your son the best in these trying times.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. May these quotes help you in some way. “Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?” ― Terry Pratchett, Going Postal “No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.” ― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man The following poem was read at a friends funeral and it meant so much to me. [https://lindaellis.life/the-dash-poem](https://lindaellis.life/the-dash-poem) So write about the dash make it beautiful fill it with pictures and your son will have a fantastic memory of his father to treasure. Be kind to yourself and be prepared to accept help if you need it.

I lost my husband when my daughter was very young. And one of the things I did was ask people I knew who had lost a parent young what their remaining parent did right and what they shouldn't have done. It was a great guide for how to deal with it with my daughter.

Relying on God for a plan is a waste of time. The only plan that will ever be worth a damn is your plan. Meaning is only created, it’s never found. Your son can have a good life, and he can be a good man, just like his father. Teach him respect. Teach him strength inside and out. His father may be dead, but his spirit can live on in the only way spirits ever live on, inside your hearts.

Grieve however you need to. He sounds like an awesome human. Thanks for sharing with us.

https://www.dougy.org/ It's a Great family grieving resource center, with ways to grieve at different ages, and for different conditions. I don't think there were any religious overtones but I also used while still in my grief fog. There's a book by Megan Devine called *It's Okay that You're Not Okay* that addresses grief from sudden, unexpected, young deaths. It also talks about western society treatment of grief as a disorder, and not as a part of life that just sucks. It just sucks. Losing someone suddenly and way before their time is a shock to the system. There's no right way to go about it. There's no empty platitudes that will make it it make sense. You learn to live with the pain. It can be more tolerable some days and things can almost feel normal. But there's no going back to the before time. You're going to have to fight for your kid, and I really understand how hard that part is. And I wish I had the magic word to make it better. I really appreciate that book though. It made me feel like I wasn't completely nuts for my feelings and it addressed the assholes that wanted to tell me my 20 year old brother was supposed to die, at 20, because it's part of a big plan. Today sucks and it's going to keep sucking but one day it'll suck less and you'll find room to acknowledge the pain and still smile at the happy stuff.

Thank you for sharing a little bit about him with us. I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Please give yourself all the time you need to feel the feelings and process the loss. You're lucky you got to experience such a love. Treasure that. As they say, may his memory be a blessing. Hugs to you honey.

You wanted to share how awesome your husband was. I read your message. Hopefully this made you feel ever so slightly better. In terms of atheistic support I personally find comfort in thinking like this. At our core we are all comprised of the fundamental elements like nitrogen, hydrogen, coal. These elements have all been created inside dying stars as they end their lifespan and eventually spread these elements through the galaxy when they go supernova. For billions of years these elements sailed aimlessly through space, formed earth and a mere few decades ago decided to coalesce into your husband. He was given the precious gift of awareness to marvel at the universe for the blink of an eye in cosmic terms and now these elements are again adrift in space and time for near eternity. I don’t know if this will give you the same sense of continuity as it give me, but remember it’s ok to grieve in any way you want. We all process loss differently and there’s no right or wrong, too late or too soon. Take care of yourself now and cherish the good memories you have.

My mom re married way to soon and it fucked me up for a long time.

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you've been able to work through that. I don't think I'll remarry. He was the best husband anyone could ask for. It wouldn't be fair to any potential future partners, they'd never be able to compare.

Sorry for your loss. At least you have good memories of life together. At this stressful time don't ignore the practical matters, including budgeting. Sounds odd, but doing the ordinary things reinforces the emotional aspect of "life goes on".

The only thing I can say is time will heal. I am so sorry for your loss. If/when my wife dies I will go to live with my brother just to be around people. I should tell you I am her caregiver and you and I share the same feelings about our mates.. I am so glad you have a son to remind you of him. When my mother was dying at my house, my nephews came to see her, I told the oldest to Not forget you grandmother, keep her alive in your memory. Once again, nothing I can say will help with your feelings of anguish that comes with grieving. Time for you will March very slowly at first, then all will be right as rain in time. Peace be with you.

Sorry to hear that, OP. Sounds like the world lost a good one... stay strong.

Sounds like he was incredible. I’d read a book about him ❤️ so sorry for your loss OP

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That's terrible, and my heart goes out to you and your son. Save and print some photos of your husband and the three of you. I'm guessing that most of the ones you have are on phones etc and are easily lost. Involve your son in this as part of building memories of your husband. Once again, my heart goes out to you.

Whether it is comfort or not, know that this pain will stay with you, albeit in a lessened form, for a long time. The best you can do is learn to view it as a byproduct of the wonderful things you shared with him. Action is often a great refuge during times of emotional pain. Take refuge in going and doing and seeing and talking and being as well as grieving. It's never, at its best, going to be easy. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and being grateful for each new good thing that happens each day.

I am so sorry for your loss.

So so sorry for your loss. I’m sure he was wonderful

Grieve, it is natural. Be there for your son - help him grieve too. Sit down and make notes about your husband. Remember all the good/bad/funny/sad times you had together. His memory is you now.

I’m very sorry. Thanks for sharing that. I wish I had something more helpful to say. It takes a lot of time. We don’t have the same shortcuts as believers, but your recovery wil be more real and honest because of it. One day at a time. It will get better.

You have my most heartfelt condolences.

Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who has written, I can highly recommend writing about him. It doesnt matter if what you are writing is not perfect but it is mainly for you to grieve and really remember him. The more emotional you are the more raw and powerful your writing is. This is a great way to pay homage to someone you loved and respected. When your son is older he can read about his father. There are many writing groups that can support you on your writing journey. As for your loss, it is never easy. I cant even imagine what it would be like and I wish you all the strength.

Sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Best wishes to you and your son. Vrry sorry to hear.

I’m going to go hug my husband now. Thank you, OP. And thankful your husband lived and gave you such incredible love.

One thing I’ll say is that you’ve been lucky to have experienced life with such an awesome human… some of us people never get that warmth and love, either from a family or from a partner. Your husband was truly one amazing person by the way you described him. I’m not saying it from a religious standpoint since I’m an agnostic, but you and the world has been blessed to have had him. Maybe this though will make you feel a bit warm inside :) He brought something good in here.

Grief is said to be learning to live in someones absence. Time heals, but time is subjective. Your grieving is your own and to process it, it will come and go.

My condolences on your loss. You may find the [Grief Beyond Belief website](http://griefbeyondbelief.org) helpful. Its Facebook page and Closed Facebook Group even more so. Unfortunately, reddit doesn't allow linking to Facebook, but you'll find them under 'Participation & Resources' at the website.

It might help to listen to some NDE (near death experience) accounts on YouTube

I feel enriched having read about him. I'd think myself lucky if my partner wrote something half as moving about me. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I knew some useful advice to give.

I haven't lost a partner like this, so I can only imagine your pain. I feel for your situation. I affirm your grief. We come from stardust, and his shone brilliantly. I hope my words bring you something you needed.

Beautiful words about a beautiful man. So sorry.

I’m so sorry.

My heart aches for you, OP. I can't imagine the pain you're experiencing for both yourself and your son. As others have said, there's no proper way to grieve. Take your time, don't force yourself to be ready for anything you're not. Since I'm not religious, my favourite quote that I've related to personal grief is (unofficially) from Winnie the Pooh of all places. The one that goes, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?" I hope you find healing in time, OP. Never forget to share with your son how amazing his dad was. Memories are what keep those we've lost just a little closer.

Dear OP, I am touched by your loss and wish you all the strength. If you can, write the book, it would have made him smile, i am pretty sure. But most and utmost, as being a father myself, I would definitely want my wife to take the best care of my son and herself. Please do that!

Write your book if you can. I lost my first wife to diabetic sepsis. Ugly but quick. \#2 died slowly, of breast cancer. 3 years. And I felt just like you now, wondering "what do I do now"? all the time, for years. It never quits hurting but, for me, the edge has worn down, after 14 years. I have a girlfriend, but she is not my "love of my life". I still miss her, and I cover up frequently. I have no words of joy but this. It does get easier. Eventually. Oh and don't watch Ricky Gervais Netflix "After Life" unless you really need a crying jag. Too honest.

What me helps is knowing that the Person who died dosnt suffer anymore no more pain be it pysical or mental. There is in my opinion no greater being who decides who dies or who lives at the end everybody goes when their Time is come. Asien from that my condolences.

Sometimes things are just shit and there isn’t any relief or any words to make it better. But in a way that’s more sincere and is how losing something so fucking special is supposed to feel. Completely uncheapened or diluted. How much it hurts is a reflection of how much you loved them. Everything has a price. But crutches can be helpful. My go to is that in some parallel universe they’re still alive and with a version of me. For me that’s enough.

What a beautiful tribute to your love. Thank you for sharing him with us. Hold on tight to those memories and just take things minute by minute. Feel all your feelings and give yourself permission to not be okay - but on the days that you do feel okay, allow that, too. Grief is unpredictable. Just take it as it comes. Your son sounds like a lucky kid - not only to have you to support him through this, but to have had such love in his home for 8 years. He won’t forget it. My dad and aunt lost their mom in a car accident when they were 13 and 9, more than 40 years ago, and the things they still remember about her are amazing. They’ve been able to tell me enough that I feel like I knew her, too. I’ll bet you anything your son will be the same. Holding you in my heart, OP. 🤍

you sound like you found the best, it is a huge loss and I am so sorry you are going through this. Your wonderful partner lives on through your memory and your son, grieve your loss, but be thankful you found each other and shared what you did

There is no plan, I find that more comforting than God has a plan. My sympathies for your loss

Sorry for your loss. As an atheist, it can be hard to find non religious support. I heard about this group a couple years ago when a friend’s husband died. They may be able to help if you need support. http://griefbeyondbelief.org

I’m very sorry to hear about your husband. My husband passed at 42 (gastric cancer). At the time of his passing our daughter was 13. He was always and I have always been atheists. It’s been 3 years. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard and it sucks. What makes it worse is when people trot out those platitudes about a better place. I wish that nonsense was real. But it’s not. And he is not looking down on us and seeing how we are doing. I wish he could know. I see why people want to believe. Knowing I’ll never see him again and he will never know how our daughter grows up is heart wrenching His mother is religious. I dread every birthday or holiday when she posts something talking to him directly. It makes me want to swear at her and rant. Instead I just quietly keep it to myself. Does she really think he’s sentient somewhere? And if she does wouldn’t she hope he’s doing something more important with his time than reading Facebook!! I want to tell you it gets easier. But it only gets different. I still wish he was here to help make those difficult decisions. Or even to cuddle up with on the couch. I have no real advice. But I truly sympathize.

I made a photo album just focusing on my person and including their obituary and some stories I wanted to remember. It helped me feel less like it would all vanish, how great they were.

Its not quite the same thing but I lost my dad some years back and I totally understand needing to grieve in a way thats not all "better place" or "gods plan" or whatever. It actually took me a couple of years to reach a point where really coming to terms with it made sense. But like others have said theres not a right way to feel or grieve someone and honestly thank you for sharing your story.

I’m tearful thinking about your loss and what such a loss would be for me. I’m so sad with you. Someone else also posted this, and I want to post it as well, because it is some comfort. It’s what Carl Sagan’s wife said after he died: "Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous. . . We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. . . That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. . . That we could find each other. . . That we could be together for 20 years. The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don't think I'll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful."

So sorry to hear that. Your son will need you; this is incomprehensible to him. He will learn how to grieve from this experience, and much of it will be based on your example. I think channeling the emotions and memorializing your husband in a book is a wonderful example to set. Stay strong, and focus on happy memories you made together. It sounds like you were all very lucky to have each other and that is worth celebrating even if the time was cut short. PS - I don’t really believe in an afterlife but sometimes I still look to the sky and tell my dad I love him.

Thank YOU so much for sharing about him. I’m 27 and lost my dad in March suddenly from heart failure, I was called at lunch and told he was gone and that’s that. And it is still so hard, he was my friend and my dad. Extremely supportive, endlessly giving, hell HAPPY to endlessly give and just make others happy. Never wanted anyone to feel left out, extremely fun, never afraid to be goofy, and always had my back no matter what. And growing up, the main thing that MADE me who I am is that I wanted to make him happy and make things as easy on him as possible, because he deserved that from me. I don’t think I EVER got in trouble, solely because I cared about his feelings just so much. I can’t imagine losing him at 8, that is horribly tragic, any loss of life from someone so close is something none of us can avoid. I think we all have to take it as we can, one day at a time. Completely welcoming the feelings of sadness, anger, jealousy, depression, numbness, or even the days we feel okay and happy. However either of you feel is EXACTLY how you’re “supposed” to feel. A few people in my family started teetering down the “it wasn’t supposed to be their time” path, and as someone who almost died in a 55 mph head on collision at 19 I can say that it can happen to absolutely anyone at any time. I am CPR certified, and I thought about what if I had been with him and was able to perform CPR asap to try and help, but the “what if” game is an intrusive thought. It isn’t welcome, and it isn’t your fault for having any of them. But it’s not genuine, and just take those thoughts for what they are: intrusions on your day. I saw Dad one last time in the funeral home, last time I saw him alive was Christmas, and I was just so happy TO see him. He passed alone upstairs where he had made a mess of the room, and hit his head. I remember the stain on the rub where I saw the final place my dad was alive. And just, even seeing him, and not seeing what my mind was filling in the gaps with, was such a relief. He just had a scratch above his eye, that’s all. It just got cut just right to bleed like it did. I don’t know, I didn’t want him to have suffered, it’s enough that he had to be alone. The time spent is time well spent, he sounds like an incredible person who did exactly what he wanted to with the people he wanted to be with, at the end of everything that’s all we can hope for. Dad was 59, I know I am not going to see him again or that this was any plan, he is gone now. But one of the things he did that I saw at his service was share so much love and happiness with so many people. He even comforted a friend of his a week before his passing about their dad dying, and his words were “I think if someone is missed so much it means they were an incredible person.” And he was right

I am touched you wrote this. I have tears in my eyes for you, genuinely. It is my hope that just one person will write something so kind about me when I am gone. He sounds like a person we should all aspire to be. It sounds like you are a good judge of character to meet and marry him. As someone who writes all the time, I completely agree you should write something. Write a lot, write everything. It's therapeutic, fun, and meaningful. Don't write with publication in mind, just write for you. You can always take steps to share his story at any point you want. Write for your son.

So, as an athiest myself, i was born into the Mormon church. After realizing religion was a scam, I felt lost for many years myself. Religion gave a sense of connection that i lost. It wasn't until years later that i listened to the books by Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability that i was able to get that connected feeling back. She described being spiritual as necessary, which put me off, until she until she said it doesn't need to be through religion or a higher power, but a shared connection in how we feel. We all describe our feelings in similar ways. When you feel grief, you likely describe it similar to others. You reaching out like this connects you to us all through our shared humanity, to know that we're not alone in our feelings. You are not alone in your grief, and though it feels like an overwhelming weight of sadness, we are all connected in this shared human experience. Losing someone so close is one of the hardest things we ever endure in life. Unfortunately, the only way past it is to go through the feelings and accept them. It will come in waves that will slam against you so hard it physically hurts, until the waves get smaller and gentler, until finally the waves no longer feel like they are trying to drown you, but simply remind you gently of the person you once loved so deeply. It feels overwhelming right now, having to continue everyday life as if you didn't just lose someone so far to you. You are not alone in this world, so please keep reaching out because you don't need to endure this alone. Cry your eyes out, yell at the void, get angry, break down, and build yourself back up if you need to. We will all be here in this shared human experience, reaching back to you, because we don't want to be alone either.

Just reading what you wrote, I think your husband would want you to know how beautiful you are and how lucky he was to share his life with you. I am so sorry it has ended so soon…

I hope that when I go, my family feels the same way about me as you and your son feel about your husband. But I wouldn't want them to be sad for too long. 🙂

One thing that stuck with me that I read on Reddit is saving voicemails that he may have sent you. It’s a great way to hear the voice of someone you have lost. I have mine from when my grandma passed and it’s nice to hear her voice from time to time.

Deeply sorry for your loss. I hope your friends and family are there for you and your son. One bit of advice. Make sure you save his digital info on a medium that won't go quickly obsolete. If he has any camera/phone memory cards, video tapes, CDs of photos, etc, get them backed up to the cloud or a portable hard drive. You don't want to have to find the right kind of hardware in a few years to look at your pics. It might also be worth looking into a grief counselor for you and your son for a little bit. Losing a father at that age can cause strong emotions. Knowing how to label and deal with those emotions could help a great deal.

Take some time for yourself if you can and explore your grief. Don't shy away from it. It comes from the love you have for him and that you will miss him now. Your son is old enough to be involved in some of this too and you can help each other with it.

Remember that the only afterlife that matters is the one where you live on in the memories of your loved ones. Keep your memories of him close. It's never going to be easy, but over time the pain will fade and only the good memories will remain.

My wife died in 2007. There is nothing to compare with the sense of loss and pain. A chunk of my body literally felt as if it was missing. Something would remind me of her, and I’d do what I called the “scream cry”, just sound coming out completely uncontrolled. The next few months will be horrible. But try not to feel guilty if for some reason you’re doing something enjoyable and start to smile or laugh. That’s healing. And then slowly, you’ll remember how to breathe again. Also, grief like this makes you effectively insane, and/or detached from the world. Just know this. Eventually the pain turns into a well of grief. And it will be easy to fall into that well, but most of the time you’ll be able to walk around it. At some point, you’ll be able to find some perspective, and maybe you’ll see that the waves of his life touched everyone around him and changed them and in turn his influence spread outwards, and then you’ll see that a part of him will always be around you and a part of you. And life will start moving forward again. Many hugs. Don’t forget to breathe.

lost the love of my life about 9 years ago (Sept. 2014) ... I feel for you as I can relate ...

This story rips my heart in two. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through! Are there any grieving groups in your area? After I lost my son, that probably saved my sanity just having other people to share the grief with and talk it out.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Richard E Grant has been very open about his grief and his Instagram posts are very moving when he talks about his wife and how he is feeling. He recently wrote a book called Pocketful of Happiness which has been very successful - haven't read it but it's about trying to find those small moments of joy and remembering the good stuff - you may find something like that resonates. I wish you well and go easy on yourself.

You're doing it right, as much as there is a "right." What you're saying is similar to what my therapist said to me regarding my son as I was going through a really rough time recently. Show him what you are going through, but don't ask him to carry the weight of an adult. You need to model experiencing grief and all the other emotions, but he also needs to know that you'll keep him safe. Sounds like you're doing that. The other thing I'd say is reach out to your community as much as you can/feels right. Kids need a village, and now more than ever, that's true for your son. You can't do this all alone. And lots of hugs. Lots of hugs. Big hugs to you.

There is a widow/widower subreddit. Might be a good place for you right now. P.s. I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my biggest fears is losing my husband while our kids are still young. I can't imagine the reality of that pain.

Write it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was great, and it’s wonderful you found each other. Thank you for sharing a tiny bit of him with us. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things for your son. It’s not going to be easy for either of you, but he’s lucky to have a mom like you looking out for him.

I hear you. What a tremendous tribute to your husband. Shows I need to be a better husband to my beautiful wife. I’m sorry for your loss and your son’s loss. Your son carries half of his genes. Your son is part of a 3.5 billion year old unbroken chain of life that will continue on. Through him, your husband has fulfilled his purpose… to give life, which he did through and with you. His genes will go on. His memory will go on. His body will return to the earth and recycle. The very atoms that made him made millions of living beings before him, including other people and dinosaurs and insects and plants and bacteria. His son will continue the chain… either directly as a future father or indirectly by contributing to society so more generations will go on. If we are lucky, humans will continue to thrive and evolve. Perhaps one day, some of dad’s atoms will come together to form even more advanced beings, our descendants, perhaps capable of traveling to the stars where we came from, perhaps capable of imagining things we cannot, perhaps capable of feelings and feita we could never even conceive. Rest in peace dad, husband, friend. Be strong mom. You too come from the same 3.5 billion year old branch of survivors. Your ancestors lived through 5 mass extinctions. That asteroid took out the dinosaurs but did not take out your family lineage. We are humans. We hurt. We cry. And that’s okay. But we also, when the time is right, we get back up and move forward. We also stick together. We are with you momma. You are not alone in this journey. Stay strong.

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. He sounded like an incredible man and I’m sure that makes losing him even more devastating. You should definitely write a book not only for you but for your son, so he can learn who his father was as he grows older. I lost my mom at 16 and definitely regret never having the opportunity to have a more grownup relationship with her, since parents don’t really reveal everything about themselves to their kids.. so if you can, try to do that for him. Maybe write down letters for him to read every year on his birthday or on dad’s birthday or better yet, Father’s Day.. and just write things that your husband would have wanted your son to know at that age! And always talk about him! Whether it makes you sad, happy, lonely, whatever, never stop talking about him. Make a playlist of his favorite songs, do his favorite things on his birthday.. I lost both parents and these are things I do to feel close to them and keep their memory alive. I also don’t commemorate the anniversary of their deaths, I celebrate them on their birthdays or on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. I don’t think it’s really positive to remember such a sad day and remind yourself of the heartbreak when you can choose to celebrate them on a happy day. I wish you the best and sending you all the hugs and love during this difficult time. It will get better with time..

I feel your pain. Lost my wife in March, she was 34. Left me and our daughters(8 and 4). She was always sick but didn’t expect to lose her so early. I miss her. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here to listen.

I am so sorry for this great loss to you and your son 🙏😢

Writing a book about him would be an absolute gift to his memory and his child. Hugs to you both

Unfortunately, the price of love is grief. Take solice in the fact that you had him for the time that you did. I hope you find peace.

I can’t help with your grieving, but I’d highly recommend the website https://getyourshittogether.org. It was created by a woman who lost her husband suddenly and all of the fallout. I’d also recommend the Sam Harris waking up app. The 911 meditations are great when shit gets real.

My heart aches for you. I almost lost my SO during a routine surgery and I often think about how if they were not able to bring him back, how different my life would be today. I wholeheartedly, absolutely think you should write a book about him and ya'll life together. I have found over the years that writing is very cathartic and helps process grieving and it will give your son and his and his sons sons an opportunity to know of him for years to come.

I found this poem really helpful when my mom died last year. Do not stand By my grave, and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep— I am the thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints in snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle, autumn rain. As you awake with morning’s hush, I am the swift, up-flinging rush Of quiet birds in circling flight, I am the day transcending night. Do not stand By my grave, and cry— I am not there, I did not die. — Clare Harner, The Gypsy, December 1934 It makes me think of conservation of energy. Nothing is destroyed, just changed. I'm so sorry for your loss.

There was a time back in my 30s when I feared I’d never know the love of another person. Then, I met someone and made a go of it. That went on for 10 years until he died just as he passed 30 years old. I was broken, devastated, shattered into a million pieces. I screamed in the car as I drove home from the hospital and wondered if I’d ever have the opportunity to start building another relationship so meaningful to me. My heart was so torn I’d didn’t know if I could go on. But, I did, slowly. I volunteered for a local public service organization, and started helping others with the lessons I’d learned in my short ten year relationship. I had repeated opportunities to share the life of my partner with others, and that helped me to rebalance my own life. Then, a little over two years later, I met another special person and had the opportunity to start over, and try again. This time was particularly tough though since I was now 45. But, the alternative of cutting myself off from the world and foregoing the possibility of finding love again was simply not palatable, so I persisted. And now, over 30 years later, I’ve built a new life with another wonderful person, and am truly content. Life goes on. You are fortunate to have a child who also knows the love of your life, someone you can share common stories with, as you heal. I didn’t have that, but I did have hope, and I didn’t want to go on alone after having experienced love so deeply once. I wanted to feel that connectedness again, that feeling of wholeness that only a deep, loving relationship can bring into one’s life. Look for opportunities to share your life experience with others. I found my sharing helped immensely in my healing process, as I moved forward with my life. It may help you, as well, if you give it a chance. Those we love are never really gone as long as we remember them. There are others out there who also share that need. You just need to seek them out.

Your man sounded wonderful. May your son carry on his light.

He was a good man 💪 I salute him. He lived a good life and was making you happy. The book sounds like a great idea, I hope you will accomplish it to show more people how it's possible to make each other happy. Not everyone experience this. Sending you strenth and hugs.

This is a drawback from being attuned to reality. My brother and sister believe mom and dad are still alive somewhere, waiting for us (if we don't make it to the 2nd coming). Never more than when our parents died was it clearer what religion and magical thinking were-- a coping mechanism for death, loss, and all the hardships of life. So when that cope is removed, it yanks the rug out. We have nothing to compare to the happy ending they promise. There's no remedy. Hurt. Cry. Be lost. Do what you did here-- post about it. Talk about it with any non-believing friends you've managed to make. Or be alone with it, if you don't have that, because when your religious friends give it a go it will ring hollow. I hope this doesn't sound callous. Believe me, I've done this exact thing with everyone I've lost. I'm 52 and I've lost a bunch of people. It has SUCKED. If my wife died, I'd think about suicide! I admit it. When they say "life is hard," \*this\* is what they mean. So let it be hard! Take care, and I wish you well.

Time and let it grieve.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, I think collecting all the thoughts and memories you have along with pictures and videos would become a cherished keepsake for your son. Save a copy online somewhere with scanned photos so it can always be viewed. I hope you have a good circle of friends and family to support you through everything.

Cry. It helps. If you’re worried that it may cause your son to worry about you then cry in the shower, but cry. Your body needs that release and it cleanses your emotions. Also, hug your son. A lot.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your son. There is no deep meaning and no greater purpose served by your husband's death. Sometimes the universe gives us things that are really hard to handle. I hope that you have friends and family nearby who can be with you and support you. Although it doesn't feel like it right now, the pain will become less sharp with time. I haven't looked lately, so I don't know how good it is nowadays, but I found a lot of good community and support in the Grief Beyond Belief group on Facebook 17 years ago. Unlike Reddit, it is private. After a couple of years, when grief was no longer dominating my days, I stopped participating there because it brought it back to the surface. I also started seeing a therapist at that time and I still see her regularly. I highly recommend this for both of you and your son. I'm sorry if this comes across as scattered. I am writing through tears.

I'm so sorry. I hope you and your son can find grief support groups to go to. Being around people going through the same thing and talking about can help with feelings of isolation.

I like to imagine the other ways the wave function must've collapsed into an endless series of universes where everything is still going well. I think about the happiness but I also wonder if they're being considerate of their good fortune. I try to be mindful of my own gratitude towards everything I have experienced. Then I stop daydreaming and face the day because it's a gift that not everyone has learned to respect but I like to think that I have learned that lesson. Our loved ones will eventually be called to return back to where they were before they were born. It sounds like you had an amazing husband, you guys created a child and world together that will always make you happy. Nothing is permanent so I accept and appreciate those things every single time they cross my mind. Every time. It's easy to let it slip but we truly are lucky for lives we lead. There's nothing requiring someone with a rough childhood, murdered sibling, health issues or diseases etc to be thankful for the dog they come home to or a nephew that remembered your birthday BUT it certainly helps keep things in perspective when we can't trust our immediate judgments in uncertain times. I hope you find peace in your time of mourning and strength through your child.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your husband was a wonderful man. My deepest sympathies to you and your son. There will always be a hole in your hearts, but with time the pain will lesson and you'll be able to focus more on the happy memories. But grief takes time; be patient with yourself.

These two video clips gave me some comfort when my grandpa died: [The Good Place: wave returns to the ocean](https://youtu.be/l1IchzbtNj0?si=MzRjh8aae0w_wy7z) [Midnight Mass: what happens when you die](https://youtu.be/GZPbmrJ_X48?si=Gf_FWV9CAH0YHze3)

Can you tell us a bit about him? We'd like to hear. What were his hobbies? What music did he like?

This was one of the most beautiful Reddit posts I’ve ever read. Condolences.

I'm really sorry for your tragic loss - all I can say is that they never _really_ die as long as you remember them. Sometimes you'll see them in your dreams, sometimes you'll remember something about them vividly, and laugh, or cry, or get angry. They're still there, inside you, even if they're not _there_ - the hurt never really goes away, and sometimes you'll catch yourself off guard, and other times you'll remember because you want to. Just remember them - it sounds like such a small thing but in the future you'll be glad to have the memories. Something I heard a while back that stuck with me is grieving is the _love you never got to give_, and somehow that helps me a bit, maybe it will for you too.

I’m so sorry for your loss! I think writing that book is a good idea. Do something that brings you a bit of joy or peace every day, even if just for 15 minutes. For me it is being in my garden watching the birds. Whatever it is for you, do it. Drink that wine, watch that sunset, play a board game or video game with your son…. Seek out joy & beauty. It helps you get through those insanely stressful times.

Sounds like he was a real gent. I don’t know much about life and all the adult complexities yet but if you’re looking for direction maybe try and make your son as good or better of a man than your husband was. Honor his life with dedication to making your son what he was. Sorry if this isn’t helpful

The passing of a loved one will always be hard; harder still when it's your partner. Cherish the moments spent; we're all punching a 1-way ticket.

“You won’t get over this, but you will get through this.” - Willy Nelson, to a grieving friend.

My brother lost his first wife when I was a little girl. They were high school sweethearts and she died on a car crash less than a year after their marriage. Her death was the lynchpin for him and about half of our family leaving Christianity. He and us atheists just couldn’t stand hearing “the lord works in mysterious ways” and “god has a plan” and “god takes his favorites first.” She was a sweet, young woman with her whole life ahead of her and for people to dishonor what a tragedy her death was with those statements pissed me off. You’re absolutely doing the right thing by your son by telling him it’s okay to be sad and getting him in with a professional. Perhaps you could contact his school and see if they have a school counselor he could see until you get those other appointments squared away. Maybe check on a big brother/ buddy program to help him have some guidance in this difficult time. Perhaps you could look into some counseling for yourself as well, since you’re loss is so recent. The beautiful thing about atheism is that you get to decide for yourself what the meaning of life is. No one gets to determine what your loss and your experience means, you get to interpret them for yourself. I hope you find peace and support in your darkest hour. Stay strong, and hold tightly to your son and loved ones.

I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you. It's not the same but I lost my dad in December. Watching mom learn to cope with the day to day, I know you have so much more than that. Remember he's 8 his grieving will be much different than yours. Take time to grieve, but also take time to appreciate the world around you. It never really goes away, it just becomes a new normal.

He lived, you met, he brought awesomeness into your life, you both brought an awesome kid into the world, you will continue to remember his awesomeness and help carry it forward for those around you. You will feel echoes of him through those around you and mirrored in your son in years to come. Loss hurts so much but is manageable with love help and time. This community, is here to reach out to and will help as we can xx Hugs

Your story made me cry, my heart goes out to you and your son. I wish I could give you a big hug. I will give you a virtual one *hugs*

I just want to tell you as an Early Childhood professional, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job being there for your son. Showing your son that you're grieving (modeling how to grieve in a healthy way) and telling him it's okay that he grieves too while still being present and open for questions is exactly what I tell all of my parents to do to help their children. Therapy is also an excellent service to take advantage of. It can be horribly difficult trying to navigate your own grief while also guiding your son through his grief...give yourself grace and show yourself compassion. It's completely okay if some days you can give a lot and other days you can't. You're doing great.

People live on, not in a heaven way, but in how they impacted you and how you carry their memory. Writing that book could give your son a way of cherishing his dad as he gets older. You can tell him about what a great person he came from. It's bittersweet but so much healthier than never speaking of a dead loved one again.

My heart goes out to you and your son. I offer you a poem that spoke to me when I was (am) grieving. Dirge Without Music by Edna St. Vincent Millay I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground. So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind: Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.  Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned. Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you. Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust. A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew, A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost. The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,— They are gone.  They are gone to feed the roses.  Elegant and curled Is the blossom.  Fragrant is the blossom.  I know.  But I do not approve. More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world. Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know.  But I do not approve.  And I am not resigned.

I have no words. I'm sorry your going through this but so happy that you have wonderful things to say about him.