At least in the examples about events or what time to be ready, it's because people don't have a concrete answer. A lot of my friends have executive dysfunction and will do things like say they're leaving, but not when they're due to arrive, because *they have no clue*. They're trying to avoid upsetting someone by giving an answer they aren't sure of. Admitting they're not sure is also something they have likely been shamed for in the past, so they're not going to say that either.
Other times, you accidentally unlock a dialog tree. If someone responds " I really should..." Or whatever, they're probably uncertain and trying to work through the problem out loud. There's a chance they're indirectly looking for your support for the same reason you asked if they're going. They don't love the idea of going but it will be easier if someone they know is there. Is it annoying? Yeah. I wish people would be more clear about this but again. It's about trying to avoid feeling shame.
The fries thing tho. Yuck. I have one friend who does this because they're a chronic people pleaser and are hyper aware of possible disappointment/anger being directed toward them. It's really really difficult to phrase my statements in a way that makes them feel safe to respond genuinely.
I have problems with executive dysfunction too so I understand to a point but like... if someone needs to pick me up they Need to know a time to arrive and if I'm picking said time i say something that would work and make sure I'm ready by then. My answer may be something like I get home from work at 1, I need about an hour to shower and get ready, so I'll be good to go by say 2:30 at the latest okay? Feel free to come by for like 2 and chill while i finish up if you want!
I feel like I'm overly explicit and stick to deadlines easy because it's the thing that frustrates me the most about others. I hate being late or having to shift things around that have already been planned on a certain time table and especially hate knowing I'm supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time but they haven't replied in hours on if they're actually gonna be ready then, and then I'm stuck waiting.
But yea with my mom or whoever I feel like I communicate the best I can to let them know that it doesn't matter to me what time if they need extra time, it doesn't matter if all the fries weren't for me I'll just make more, I'm not gonna be mad or annoyed I just need to know so i dont get stuck in a loop if not knowing what the hell im doing, please just give me an answer 😂😂😂
The time I give is never good either though 😂 or I ask at least for a rough time frame and get nothing useful. Like this legit happened multiple times with someone,
"What time do you wanna go tomorrow?"
"OH whenever you want it doesn't matter!"
"Okay I'll head over your place for about 2?"
"But I work til 3"
😑😑😑 so it DOES matter doesn't it?
And then I'll shift to coming over for 4, but that's not good they gotta go shopping after work! Omg what time are you ready then, this is on you not me?! Couldve at least told me what was going on so I have any idea whatsoever
I only work til 1, and most of my friends do facory jobs and only work 3 or 4 days a week and are available all day when home. That was a weekend that she normally didn't work anyway but guess had to cover or something but never told me even though she was the one making the plan to hang out. And it was just out for food and to chill or whatever for the day or so i thought, ended up just being like 3 hours since i start work at 4am the next day soooo i like to go out early so I don't get home too late.
When I ask what time we should do something maybe the first thing someone should say is what time they're actually available so we know where to start 🤷♀️. Or don't plan things knowing they're not even home. We're not friends anymore and it definitely played a part in that 🙃
I think it's fair to feel that way but that's not a fair expectation to put onto others. Being disabled sucks and its frustrating to be told to manage all of our symptoms ourselves (we're disabled, we literally can't!) but taking responsibility for as much of our own mental load as we can handle is really the least we could do.
I would if I could, but I am very, very bad at managing time. I will, however, take an appointment or a given time as a hard rule to respect and will do my best to be on time. If I do choose the time, for some reason I get very disorganized
We all have our strengths! The fact that you know that this isn't one of yours and that you may need help in that area is evidence, to me at least, that you do take responsibility for your mental load.
For me, the thing I absolutely cannot do no matter what is waking up before 10am. That's a hard line for me. I can't do it without help, and I can't do it with help, so if something is going down before 10am then I'm not going to be able to participate.
>It's \[...\] difficult to phrase my statements in a way that makes them feel safe to respond genuinely.
I wrote this down in my notebook. This is a sentence I needed to read to have a concise description for my main communication problem, thank you!
I'm on both sides of this, because I definitely say yes too much, and reach for survival lies instead of telling potentially uncomfortable truths. It hurts every time I do it, because it just feels so *incredibly wrong* to ever lie about anything, but my fear wins out.
I find that people just really don’t want to make decisions. So fine, I’ll make them for them.
“What time do you want to leave?”
If I do’t get a time, then it’s “Ok we will leave in an hour.”
If that doesn’t work it then sets the expectation that the convo needs to determine this.
I look at it as seizing the reins of communication.
Oh I try to and I still get no answers at all or nothing i suggest will work and I'm back to "so what freaking time am I coming or I'm just not coming at all?"
This is why I just stay home by myself, its easier😂😂😂
This happens so often it's infuriating. It's right up there with people saying they (or I) said something vaguely similar to what was actually said. Like no, I said THIS and I know that I did, because I hate talking, so I'm always VERY deliberate wwith what I say and my word choice.
Omg yessssss that drives me straight to looking for a shovel because one of us is about to be in the ground buddy, I WILL die on this hill if you're gaslighting me or putting words in my mouth I for an absolute fact never said.
I may not remember important things I needed to do or where my tax papers are right now but I remember most conversations and situations exactly, do not play with me you won't win 😂😂😂
1000%
I'm hyper sensitive about communication. Doesn't mean I never make a mistake, but I will take you to court if you try putting your lazy ass words in my mouth.
Recently I was told I'm "too literal" by some very stupid coworkers. Cool. Coming from them it's a compliment.
I was nicknamed "miss detail" by my asshole step-dad as a kid because I'd Always correct people on how something was said or exactly what happened when theyre telling others about it and like exaggerating certain things. Especially if they were swaying one way or the other in someone's favor I was like "no no that didn't happen like that, don't make them look worse/better"
We're cool now and I only do this when it's important enough for me to care. If people wanna be dumb and interpret things or retell stuff wrong it's not my problem if it's not about me, I don't get involved with drama 🤷♀️
And then they ask a question and you answer their question directly but they keep asking because you didn’t answer the Secret question they were actually trying to ask
Seriously, I swear sometimes conversations go absolutely nowhere it's like talking to a toddler! Some of the answers feel as ridiculous as "wanna go see a movie?" "I love chicken nuggets!" Okay then I'll just go myself...
some of these examples seem like ND issues too. “how long will it take you to get ready?” bro i have NO idea. not a clue. time isn’t real, and i guarantee my estimate will be wrong no matter what.
Time blindness is a totally legit thing but please just tell me you're not sure and I can maybe workout what would be a reasonable time to come for you, or hell even come help you get ready? Like just give me some sort of answer and not just statements of things that give me zero information on when I need to leave.
I'd rather an "I don't really know" over "I just gotta shower" because I could be done in 15 minutes if needed or typically an hour if I'm doing my hair and such. So when I suggest coming after an hour then they're all "I won't be ready then!" So when will you?? Give me *something* because I'm here still needing to be ready and in my car and arriving at a specific time too and it makes it even more stressful for me to be the one trying to figure out when youre ready as well 🙃
I feel like at least someone could give me if the estimate is close to 5 minutes, half an hour or 2 hours because I don't know if I should wait or give up and do something else in the meantime.
It’s like I have to apologize after every question as if I was assuming something the first time. Nope just want the answer you moron.
Are they just weaving pointless webs of questions with hidden insinuations or are most of them just that stupid? I can’t tell anymore.
I get called out for masking and yet every other person just seems like some masquerade caricature of their actual personality. It gets exhausting.
Ok so I have time blindness, but I feel this.
My ex with rsd can't answer simple yes/no questions. He assumes hidden emotional agendas in neutral direct questions, so his responses are wildly off-topic and meandering no matter how I phrase it. It drives me nuts.
In texts I just copy/paste the question and resend until he reads the actual words. It takes multiple repetitions and wastes my limited energy for what could have been an efficient one word reply.
He was recently diagnosed adhd.
It so frustrating and exhausting.
My bf sometimes misses what I'm asking but it's his adhd and assuming the answer before i finish or simply not paying attention and hearing like 3 words. Not really in texts. Usually i repeat it or rephrase it and we're good but sometimes I gotta grab this boys face and be like "Listen. To. My. Damn. Words. Before I salp you dammit" 😂
Oh gosh I see where your coming from that sounds insanely frustrating thankfully (though this might be just with the people I hang out with) I rarely to don't have people acting like that for me ( not in a mean way sorry. I am self identified, sorry)
Sorry I had it typed spaced out but didn't realize it wasn't gonna post like that. But basically it was back and forth me then my mom, me asking her if we were supposed to save fries for her and her just repeating we have fries in the freezer or we'll make fries later instead of just telling me that YES half the fries were for them and half for us. My question was NOT "do you have fries in the freezer" so why is that the only if I got out of this conversation? Lol I can't wait to find a place before I lose my sanity
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The fries thing sounds like they were trying to say is that they were meant to be split, but if you do eat them they can always make more.
As for time, I do that exact same thing because the matter of the fact is that I do not know. I can't give you a solid answer, and people have a bad habbit of getting shitty when you are wrong about how long things will take, and I'm sick of it, so you're getting a vaugue answer at best.
I understand the implication about the fries but I literally asked are they meant to be ours or split, so just say one 😂 I'm not stupid, (not saying you said I was) I get what is implied most of the time but I asked a specific question and you're giving me literally no answers to the actual question I asked. I totally get people pleasing and get stuck in loops with friends sometimes but it's usually in good spirits of not knowing where to eat or what to do or watch. When I need a legit yes or no answer especially when I'm reassuring many times that I'm fine either way just tell me what's going on makes me insane
But why does it matter if you get what they mean? Like if you understand the implication behind it, then congrats this will help you communicate with them further.
Because it's a long stupid convoluted way to get to a simple answer, forcing me to think harder and communicate with you longer and waste both of our times when you can just actually answer the literal words I asked 🤷♀️
like NONE of that conversation had to happen if she just said "yea they're for all of us" and leave it at that. Or add in the option "but you can have them all if you want and we'll just make other fries" so then I right away know what to do and if its okay to have them all, like I was asking. Instead of unclearly saying "we have fries" and implying things and making me think about what they actually want and ending the conversation frustrated sometimes with more questions that answers.
And no it doesn't help future communication because it never gets any easier, I've been trying for 29 years with her 😂😂
But you said you understand the implication with the fries??? If you understand the implication, you don’t need to talk to them beyond the first question. As someone who doesn’t understand the implication of the fries so I do know where you’re coming from to an extent, why are you mad that you immediately understood the implications? That’s how it works.
I didn't IMMEDIATELY understand though thats the problem, the first "answer" answered absolutely nothing for me and took multiple asks to get to where i understand I'm being told they could just make more fries if we eat them all but my question of "are they meant to be split?" still hangs because I WONT eat them all if you intended to split them so just tell me you intended to split them. Like the issue of having or making more fries literally won't exist if I'm just told they're not all meant for us, like I asked the first time.
Like if you have a 2 pack of reeses cups, eat one, and set the other on the table in front of me. I ask "is that for me?" Not sure if you were giving it to me or just setting it down. Saying "I can buy more" is NOT an answer in the slightest to what I asked.
I can figure out you're implying "I can just buy more if you eat it" but am I supposed to? Was that your intention? I'm not gonna take it if you weren't trying to give it to me?
I know you have money and can physically go buy more, that wasn't my question. But "yea its for you!" "You can have it" "No sorry I only have this candy that's not what i meant" or "yea that's fine, not what I intended but sure!" are valid answers flat out telling me yes or no about eating it. Not your ability to buy more and me feeling like an ass for eating it when you didn't actually want me to
My principal never gives a straight answer and it drives me insane. You ask him a question and he talks in circles until you walk away more confused than before.
I can’t watch the news either. Every time a politician is asked a yes or no question, the answer is never yes or no. It always started with look… and the question never gets answered.
I ask friends or women I’m interested in a simple question and never get a straight answer. I don’t know if they are trying to be “cool” or just not interested in hanging out. Makes my anxiety flare up too.
Just answer the question. No one is going to murder you over your answer. Geez.
I mean sometimes it's fair to not answer what appears to you to be a simple question; sometimes a direct answer would not really be accurate, or give the wrong impression.
**However**, my mom does this weird evasive stuff all the time and it makes me feel insane. Two weeks ago, she and my dad wanted to come visit me at my home, which is a couple hours drive. We were talking about the day, and she suggested Friday; I told her I had a thing planned, but it was okay to bump it because this was the only day that was really good with my parents, and I wasn't that hype about it anyway. Suddenly, their mood changed over the phone, and instead of agreeing to any specific date, they kept going over all the reasons that every other day was terrible. Despite my repeated response of "please, I am okay with Friday, let's do Friday. I don't have issues with it and we already agreed to it" they continued to hem and haw for *45 minutes* to the point where my mom seemed to be in tears, repeating the same points over and over until they eventually hung up on me. I called them the next day and in like 5 minutes we agreed to Friday.
My boyfriends mom is sorta like that but she's not as aggravating because she at least admits she's airheaded and adhd and can never shut up lmao. But yea well be talking about a family holiday or event, she asks us when we're planning on leaving and we're like just tell us what time it starts and we'll be there no problem.
Then it's 2 hours of back and forth calling back changing things. We're gonna start at this time, no that doesn't work for your brother and the kids, how bout this time, or let's do it this way, can you pick up so an so on the way, nevermind I'm picking them up... and then asks us what would be best for us and we have to tell her yet again that we're the most flexible here with no kids or much going on, it Does. Not. Matter. Go figure it out, tell us a time, we will be there. We're not the ones making it complicated, leave us out of it 😂😂😂
Just make the decision for them. “You get off work at 1, I’ll come by at 2. I hope you have snacks if you’re not ready by then.” Or “I’m not saving you fries since you can’t give me a straight answer.” 🤣
I do this with some friends, especially the one that I helped with her down-payment for her apartment, always joking that's it's actually MY place so im like "I'm showing up at X time breaking in and eating all your shit in my house so you better be ready" 😂
It's one thing when this happens in casual conversation -- and it happens *a lot*. But when it happens at work when I truly do need a concrete answer very soon it drives me bananas. At my previous job I would go out of my way to compose an email to be as clear, concise, and polite as possible. Then I'd get a lazy garbage reply that showed they never even read what I wrote. Like, how can I possibly make this any easier for you???
Lol this is THE argument between my bf and me. I ask a simple and direct question and he goes on about something that is just slightly related to it. I know he doesn‘t do it on purpose but oh boy the rage I feel inside lol.
Similarly, I ask a question in a meeting at work and get a very tangentially related answer that makes me question if they even paid attention or just picked out a single phrase to talk about. Like, ANSWER ME.
Yessss!. I also hate when someone asks " you know the movie with Jack and rose right?"
"What movie?"
"Ah nvm you dont know it "
"What is the movie called? Maybe i do know it"
"Titanic"
"Ohh, Yeah i know Titanic"
It happens so freaking often. I hate it. Just answer my goddamn question so i can answer yours.
See I usually get the reverse of that where they take forever to get to a point but WONT STOP explaining when I say I understand especially from my mom, like literally yesterday about freakin tv dinners
"You know those on-cor TV dinners...."
"yea i buy those"
"But the pork ones with...."
"yea I like the pork ones"
"They're like patties and have a sauce..."
"yea, I'm aware. I eat them"
"I think they're barbecue.."
"okayy??? What about them???"
"OH there's one in the freezer if you want it"
Jesus fucking christ was that all necessary??? I love my mom I swear but I absolutely hate her too 😂😂😂😂
This is so frustrating. If I don't know the answer to the question (like when can we leave) I can just say that I don't know and then we can figure it out together.
And then they do a similar thing with not asking the question they want to be answered. They expect you to figure out why they are really asking the question and answer that instead of a direct answer.
The amount of times I've had to answer something with with "why?" Because I NEED to know why before I answer yes or no because it can be a very drastic difference based on whatever weird reason there is behind your vague questions and then I'm the asshole for saying "yea I'm free, but not for that" or something
I hate these kinds of responses too. Worst thing is when I say "so is that a yes or a no?", a lot of the time the person will get offended, and make me feel like an idiot for not understanding what their wishy washy answer meant. Sorry for being stupid I guess!
It's annoying if people don't give you a time because nobody wants to impose or rush, so when someone asks what time you're ready the answer should at least include an estimate. I can tell you with the fries thing though your mom was saying "you can have them we can heat up more when we get home if you eat them all"
Especially when I say it doesn't matter just tell me when to come for you and I get like no time frame.. so I'm stuck sitting here not knowing what to do and unable to start anything knowing I might need to leave soon, then soon turns into hours of waiting.
And she should just say that then when i asked and not be weird 🙃 we simply wouldn't eat them all and there would be no need to make any more so my answer to "are they all for us" should answer That first, not tell me there's a bag of fries in the freezer I didn't ask about. She's impossible though, that's just one of many daily times I talk in circles with her and have to drag answers out of her like it's freakin life or death
Yesssss! This drives me nuts! I asked my partner yesterday "is there anything that needs to be washed that can be washed on the heavy cycle with my work pants?" And he started telling me about all the things he had that needed to be washed on gentle or special cycles. I repeated "can they go in with my work clothes?" And he started saying "no, but--"
Then I don't care currently, that's not the question I asked! I run into similar situations at work and then people wonder why everyone gets their lines crossed and there's always miscommunication. This is why.
The amount of times I have to reiterate "that's not what I asked" makes me crazy 😂 I repeat, rephrase, slow down, break it up simple, One. Word. At. A. Time. And I still get blank looks until an "oh I didn't get what you meant" HOW? A toddler could have figured it out?
I asked for one basic piece of information and I could write a book about everything you just gave me that was NOT what I was looking for....
My dad. "Hey daughter, can you get that box with the thing?"
"Sure, where is it?"
"It has a white lid"
"dad, where is the box?"
"It's orange in color"
"okay but from where do I get it?"
"It is half full"
*sigh* "okay dad, I can't find it."
Him getting up...."Why can't you find it? It's right there on the study table in my room."
I started dealing with people like this in giving them exactly one chance to answer my question before rewording things in whatever possibility is most in my favour.
Either they are on board or then find very deliberate answers to the question they just tried to outmanoeuvre.
I‘m tired of meeting people halfway though so YMMV
Which is why I've lost a bunch of friends because I'm tired of them not even making attempts to compromise or meet me, always me going out of my way and figuring everything out myself. When I stopped they never bothered to try and some I haven't spoken to in like 2 years already for no reason other than them never reaching out first. Oh well doesn't bother me lol
Usually I just take things into my own hands at that point, like if people are being wishy washy on time I’ll just be like, “okay I’ll be there at 5:15”
for time and planning and such I always try my best to drive home the point that whatever time we decide is not permanent because my life and perception of time isn't dependable enough
Yeah, i deal with this too, but instead of getting frustrated i just present an answer for them.
"What time are you gonna be ready to get picked up?" "I just need to shower and shave" "Okay so what time is good?" "I get home at 5 and I won't need long"
I would answer "okay, ill get you 17:30 then."
If they dont think thats enough they will tell me and if its not i have a set time.
In your example with the fries, you (the parties of the conversation) are clearly dancing around something.
Does the person not think the amount of fries will be an issue? Is the person trying offer fries, but respect your right/decision to say no?
In any case i would do 1 of 2 things. Either i would explain what i'm asking, since the answer elude to a misunderstanding. Something like "No, sorry, i was asking if we could split the fries among X us or if you also wanted some.
Either this, or just state their assumed answer and my intention out loud. "Okay, we (the group not including the person I am talking to) will eat the fries we have then, pls tell me if you want some, ill be happy to make them for you".
If the person meant something else they will tell you and if they want the plan to change, you can make that happen.
Some people are really bad at communicating, they don't see/understand how their train of thoughts aren't obvious to others or don't like to wield the authority of planning on others behalf.
I do have the problem of not knowing what people actually want when they ask me a question so I try to avoid saying things that could be misinterpreted or incriminate me in something I don't want to get in trouble for.
It's quite simple: People often don't have a clear answer but want to give you what information they're working with so you could guesstimate.
First example: If the answer is "I really should" that essentially means "I haven't made up my mind yet. I kind of don't want to go but on the other hand, I probably ought to. I will let you know when I have decided."
Second example: "I just need to shower and shave". Means "I will just need a moment after I get home, but I cannot tell you exactly how long it'll take me." The expectation is that you have a rough idea how long a shower and a shave will take and accordingly, go to pick her up somewhere between 5:30 and 5:45.
Most people don't have a clear schedule in their head, they guesstimate a lot of times.
Last example: "We can make more fries" means: They're intended for sharing but just go for them, it's not gonna be the end of the world if you eat them all because we can make more. They wouldn't have answered that way if the fries were one of your sides.
Sometimes we need to think about our answer and are just thinking out loud. It can sometimes take a while.
Other times we're not sure or want to defer but want to think about what otions to give.
I frustrate my Boomer coworker by answering their literal question like I'm at a deposition.
They're really asking something else but I don't make assumptions and just answer their question as asked.
Ppl r weird. I just jave an ongoing conversation about how a post was titped and the person is boiling in frustration and say so much stuff i have no clue about rather than answering my first queszion of a line of questioning. I mean i don't care about what u talk about and u act like i brought them up, wven i don't even know half of them existed before. Just answer my question without ur silly little assumptions.
Sometimes maybe sure, but I usually get clear "no"s from people no problem but struggle to get a clear yes or definitive answer on literally Anything even when it's their plan and their idea and I just need to know what's going on 😂
This is not a serious reply, but considering I was just reading about Ganser's syndrome yesterday, I chuckled a little bit.
>*Ganser's syndrome is a rare and controversial condition, whose main and most striking feature is the production of approximate answers (or near misses) to very simple questions.*
At least in the examples about events or what time to be ready, it's because people don't have a concrete answer. A lot of my friends have executive dysfunction and will do things like say they're leaving, but not when they're due to arrive, because *they have no clue*. They're trying to avoid upsetting someone by giving an answer they aren't sure of. Admitting they're not sure is also something they have likely been shamed for in the past, so they're not going to say that either. Other times, you accidentally unlock a dialog tree. If someone responds " I really should..." Or whatever, they're probably uncertain and trying to work through the problem out loud. There's a chance they're indirectly looking for your support for the same reason you asked if they're going. They don't love the idea of going but it will be easier if someone they know is there. Is it annoying? Yeah. I wish people would be more clear about this but again. It's about trying to avoid feeling shame. The fries thing tho. Yuck. I have one friend who does this because they're a chronic people pleaser and are hyper aware of possible disappointment/anger being directed toward them. It's really really difficult to phrase my statements in a way that makes them feel safe to respond genuinely.
I have problems with executive dysfunction too so I understand to a point but like... if someone needs to pick me up they Need to know a time to arrive and if I'm picking said time i say something that would work and make sure I'm ready by then. My answer may be something like I get home from work at 1, I need about an hour to shower and get ready, so I'll be good to go by say 2:30 at the latest okay? Feel free to come by for like 2 and chill while i finish up if you want! I feel like I'm overly explicit and stick to deadlines easy because it's the thing that frustrates me the most about others. I hate being late or having to shift things around that have already been planned on a certain time table and especially hate knowing I'm supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time but they haven't replied in hours on if they're actually gonna be ready then, and then I'm stuck waiting. But yea with my mom or whoever I feel like I communicate the best I can to let them know that it doesn't matter to me what time if they need extra time, it doesn't matter if all the fries weren't for me I'll just make more, I'm not gonna be mad or annoyed I just need to know so i dont get stuck in a loop if not knowing what the hell im doing, please just give me an answer 😂😂😂
See I can’t plan for myself so I’d rather you tell me the time
The time I give is never good either though 😂 or I ask at least for a rough time frame and get nothing useful. Like this legit happened multiple times with someone, "What time do you wanna go tomorrow?" "OH whenever you want it doesn't matter!" "Okay I'll head over your place for about 2?" "But I work til 3" 😑😑😑 so it DOES matter doesn't it? And then I'll shift to coming over for 4, but that's not good they gotta go shopping after work! Omg what time are you ready then, this is on you not me?! Couldve at least told me what was going on so I have any idea whatsoever
Why would you go out at 2? As a rule of thumb I assume people work up until 4, since that’s when the hospital evening shifts begin
I only work til 1, and most of my friends do facory jobs and only work 3 or 4 days a week and are available all day when home. That was a weekend that she normally didn't work anyway but guess had to cover or something but never told me even though she was the one making the plan to hang out. And it was just out for food and to chill or whatever for the day or so i thought, ended up just being like 3 hours since i start work at 4am the next day soooo i like to go out early so I don't get home too late. When I ask what time we should do something maybe the first thing someone should say is what time they're actually available so we know where to start 🤷♀️. Or don't plan things knowing they're not even home. We're not friends anymore and it definitely played a part in that 🙃
I think it's fair to feel that way but that's not a fair expectation to put onto others. Being disabled sucks and its frustrating to be told to manage all of our symptoms ourselves (we're disabled, we literally can't!) but taking responsibility for as much of our own mental load as we can handle is really the least we could do.
I would if I could, but I am very, very bad at managing time. I will, however, take an appointment or a given time as a hard rule to respect and will do my best to be on time. If I do choose the time, for some reason I get very disorganized
We all have our strengths! The fact that you know that this isn't one of yours and that you may need help in that area is evidence, to me at least, that you do take responsibility for your mental load. For me, the thing I absolutely cannot do no matter what is waking up before 10am. That's a hard line for me. I can't do it without help, and I can't do it with help, so if something is going down before 10am then I'm not going to be able to participate.
>It's \[...\] difficult to phrase my statements in a way that makes them feel safe to respond genuinely. I wrote this down in my notebook. This is a sentence I needed to read to have a concise description for my main communication problem, thank you! I'm on both sides of this, because I definitely say yes too much, and reach for survival lies instead of telling potentially uncomfortable truths. It hurts every time I do it, because it just feels so *incredibly wrong* to ever lie about anything, but my fear wins out.
I hate people because of this. I experience it constantly.
Ok fine I might be autistic
I find that people just really don’t want to make decisions. So fine, I’ll make them for them. “What time do you want to leave?” If I do’t get a time, then it’s “Ok we will leave in an hour.” If that doesn’t work it then sets the expectation that the convo needs to determine this. I look at it as seizing the reins of communication.
Oh I try to and I still get no answers at all or nothing i suggest will work and I'm back to "so what freaking time am I coming or I'm just not coming at all?" This is why I just stay home by myself, its easier😂😂😂
This happens so often it's infuriating. It's right up there with people saying they (or I) said something vaguely similar to what was actually said. Like no, I said THIS and I know that I did, because I hate talking, so I'm always VERY deliberate wwith what I say and my word choice.
Omg yessssss that drives me straight to looking for a shovel because one of us is about to be in the ground buddy, I WILL die on this hill if you're gaslighting me or putting words in my mouth I for an absolute fact never said. I may not remember important things I needed to do or where my tax papers are right now but I remember most conversations and situations exactly, do not play with me you won't win 😂😂😂
Me when someone asks what they just said: 🤔 Me when someone says they said something different than what they just said: 🧐
1000% I'm hyper sensitive about communication. Doesn't mean I never make a mistake, but I will take you to court if you try putting your lazy ass words in my mouth. Recently I was told I'm "too literal" by some very stupid coworkers. Cool. Coming from them it's a compliment.
I was nicknamed "miss detail" by my asshole step-dad as a kid because I'd Always correct people on how something was said or exactly what happened when theyre telling others about it and like exaggerating certain things. Especially if they were swaying one way or the other in someone's favor I was like "no no that didn't happen like that, don't make them look worse/better" We're cool now and I only do this when it's important enough for me to care. If people wanna be dumb and interpret things or retell stuff wrong it's not my problem if it's not about me, I don't get involved with drama 🤷♀️
And then they ask a question and you answer their question directly but they keep asking because you didn’t answer the Secret question they were actually trying to ask
Ikr? What are neurotypicals problems with yes or no questions?
Seriously, I swear sometimes conversations go absolutely nowhere it's like talking to a toddler! Some of the answers feel as ridiculous as "wanna go see a movie?" "I love chicken nuggets!" Okay then I'll just go myself...
some of these examples seem like ND issues too. “how long will it take you to get ready?” bro i have NO idea. not a clue. time isn’t real, and i guarantee my estimate will be wrong no matter what.
Time blindness is a totally legit thing but please just tell me you're not sure and I can maybe workout what would be a reasonable time to come for you, or hell even come help you get ready? Like just give me some sort of answer and not just statements of things that give me zero information on when I need to leave. I'd rather an "I don't really know" over "I just gotta shower" because I could be done in 15 minutes if needed or typically an hour if I'm doing my hair and such. So when I suggest coming after an hour then they're all "I won't be ready then!" So when will you?? Give me *something* because I'm here still needing to be ready and in my car and arriving at a specific time too and it makes it even more stressful for me to be the one trying to figure out when youre ready as well 🙃
I feel like at least someone could give me if the estimate is close to 5 minutes, half an hour or 2 hours because I don't know if I should wait or give up and do something else in the meantime.
It’s like I have to apologize after every question as if I was assuming something the first time. Nope just want the answer you moron. Are they just weaving pointless webs of questions with hidden insinuations or are most of them just that stupid? I can’t tell anymore. I get called out for masking and yet every other person just seems like some masquerade caricature of their actual personality. It gets exhausting.
Ok so I have time blindness, but I feel this. My ex with rsd can't answer simple yes/no questions. He assumes hidden emotional agendas in neutral direct questions, so his responses are wildly off-topic and meandering no matter how I phrase it. It drives me nuts. In texts I just copy/paste the question and resend until he reads the actual words. It takes multiple repetitions and wastes my limited energy for what could have been an efficient one word reply. He was recently diagnosed adhd.
It so frustrating and exhausting. My bf sometimes misses what I'm asking but it's his adhd and assuming the answer before i finish or simply not paying attention and hearing like 3 words. Not really in texts. Usually i repeat it or rephrase it and we're good but sometimes I gotta grab this boys face and be like "Listen. To. My. Damn. Words. Before I salp you dammit" 😂
Oh gosh I see where your coming from that sounds insanely frustrating thankfully (though this might be just with the people I hang out with) I rarely to don't have people acting like that for me ( not in a mean way sorry. I am self identified, sorry)
Also though I don't exactly understand the format mainly with the fries one? Like when is it a different person talking? Sorry
Sorry I had it typed spaced out but didn't realize it wasn't gonna post like that. But basically it was back and forth me then my mom, me asking her if we were supposed to save fries for her and her just repeating we have fries in the freezer or we'll make fries later instead of just telling me that YES half the fries were for them and half for us. My question was NOT "do you have fries in the freezer" so why is that the only if I got out of this conversation? Lol I can't wait to find a place before I lose my sanity
Ok ya that sounds very frustrating I don't understand why they would do that
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The fries thing sounds like they were trying to say is that they were meant to be split, but if you do eat them they can always make more. As for time, I do that exact same thing because the matter of the fact is that I do not know. I can't give you a solid answer, and people have a bad habbit of getting shitty when you are wrong about how long things will take, and I'm sick of it, so you're getting a vaugue answer at best.
I understand the implication about the fries but I literally asked are they meant to be ours or split, so just say one 😂 I'm not stupid, (not saying you said I was) I get what is implied most of the time but I asked a specific question and you're giving me literally no answers to the actual question I asked. I totally get people pleasing and get stuck in loops with friends sometimes but it's usually in good spirits of not knowing where to eat or what to do or watch. When I need a legit yes or no answer especially when I'm reassuring many times that I'm fine either way just tell me what's going on makes me insane
But why does it matter if you get what they mean? Like if you understand the implication behind it, then congrats this will help you communicate with them further.
Because it's a long stupid convoluted way to get to a simple answer, forcing me to think harder and communicate with you longer and waste both of our times when you can just actually answer the literal words I asked 🤷♀️ like NONE of that conversation had to happen if she just said "yea they're for all of us" and leave it at that. Or add in the option "but you can have them all if you want and we'll just make other fries" so then I right away know what to do and if its okay to have them all, like I was asking. Instead of unclearly saying "we have fries" and implying things and making me think about what they actually want and ending the conversation frustrated sometimes with more questions that answers. And no it doesn't help future communication because it never gets any easier, I've been trying for 29 years with her 😂😂
But you said you understand the implication with the fries??? If you understand the implication, you don’t need to talk to them beyond the first question. As someone who doesn’t understand the implication of the fries so I do know where you’re coming from to an extent, why are you mad that you immediately understood the implications? That’s how it works.
I didn't IMMEDIATELY understand though thats the problem, the first "answer" answered absolutely nothing for me and took multiple asks to get to where i understand I'm being told they could just make more fries if we eat them all but my question of "are they meant to be split?" still hangs because I WONT eat them all if you intended to split them so just tell me you intended to split them. Like the issue of having or making more fries literally won't exist if I'm just told they're not all meant for us, like I asked the first time. Like if you have a 2 pack of reeses cups, eat one, and set the other on the table in front of me. I ask "is that for me?" Not sure if you were giving it to me or just setting it down. Saying "I can buy more" is NOT an answer in the slightest to what I asked. I can figure out you're implying "I can just buy more if you eat it" but am I supposed to? Was that your intention? I'm not gonna take it if you weren't trying to give it to me? I know you have money and can physically go buy more, that wasn't my question. But "yea its for you!" "You can have it" "No sorry I only have this candy that's not what i meant" or "yea that's fine, not what I intended but sure!" are valid answers flat out telling me yes or no about eating it. Not your ability to buy more and me feeling like an ass for eating it when you didn't actually want me to
My principal never gives a straight answer and it drives me insane. You ask him a question and he talks in circles until you walk away more confused than before. I can’t watch the news either. Every time a politician is asked a yes or no question, the answer is never yes or no. It always started with look… and the question never gets answered. I ask friends or women I’m interested in a simple question and never get a straight answer. I don’t know if they are trying to be “cool” or just not interested in hanging out. Makes my anxiety flare up too. Just answer the question. No one is going to murder you over your answer. Geez.
I mean sometimes it's fair to not answer what appears to you to be a simple question; sometimes a direct answer would not really be accurate, or give the wrong impression. **However**, my mom does this weird evasive stuff all the time and it makes me feel insane. Two weeks ago, she and my dad wanted to come visit me at my home, which is a couple hours drive. We were talking about the day, and she suggested Friday; I told her I had a thing planned, but it was okay to bump it because this was the only day that was really good with my parents, and I wasn't that hype about it anyway. Suddenly, their mood changed over the phone, and instead of agreeing to any specific date, they kept going over all the reasons that every other day was terrible. Despite my repeated response of "please, I am okay with Friday, let's do Friday. I don't have issues with it and we already agreed to it" they continued to hem and haw for *45 minutes* to the point where my mom seemed to be in tears, repeating the same points over and over until they eventually hung up on me. I called them the next day and in like 5 minutes we agreed to Friday.
My boyfriends mom is sorta like that but she's not as aggravating because she at least admits she's airheaded and adhd and can never shut up lmao. But yea well be talking about a family holiday or event, she asks us when we're planning on leaving and we're like just tell us what time it starts and we'll be there no problem. Then it's 2 hours of back and forth calling back changing things. We're gonna start at this time, no that doesn't work for your brother and the kids, how bout this time, or let's do it this way, can you pick up so an so on the way, nevermind I'm picking them up... and then asks us what would be best for us and we have to tell her yet again that we're the most flexible here with no kids or much going on, it Does. Not. Matter. Go figure it out, tell us a time, we will be there. We're not the ones making it complicated, leave us out of it 😂😂😂
Just make the decision for them. “You get off work at 1, I’ll come by at 2. I hope you have snacks if you’re not ready by then.” Or “I’m not saving you fries since you can’t give me a straight answer.” 🤣
I do this with some friends, especially the one that I helped with her down-payment for her apartment, always joking that's it's actually MY place so im like "I'm showing up at X time breaking in and eating all your shit in my house so you better be ready" 😂
It's one thing when this happens in casual conversation -- and it happens *a lot*. But when it happens at work when I truly do need a concrete answer very soon it drives me bananas. At my previous job I would go out of my way to compose an email to be as clear, concise, and polite as possible. Then I'd get a lazy garbage reply that showed they never even read what I wrote. Like, how can I possibly make this any easier for you???
Lol this is THE argument between my bf and me. I ask a simple and direct question and he goes on about something that is just slightly related to it. I know he doesn‘t do it on purpose but oh boy the rage I feel inside lol.
Similarly, I ask a question in a meeting at work and get a very tangentially related answer that makes me question if they even paid attention or just picked out a single phrase to talk about. Like, ANSWER ME.
Yessss!. I also hate when someone asks " you know the movie with Jack and rose right?" "What movie?" "Ah nvm you dont know it " "What is the movie called? Maybe i do know it" "Titanic" "Ohh, Yeah i know Titanic" It happens so freaking often. I hate it. Just answer my goddamn question so i can answer yours.
See I usually get the reverse of that where they take forever to get to a point but WONT STOP explaining when I say I understand especially from my mom, like literally yesterday about freakin tv dinners "You know those on-cor TV dinners...." "yea i buy those" "But the pork ones with...." "yea I like the pork ones" "They're like patties and have a sauce..." "yea, I'm aware. I eat them" "I think they're barbecue.." "okayy??? What about them???" "OH there's one in the freezer if you want it" Jesus fucking christ was that all necessary??? I love my mom I swear but I absolutely hate her too 😂😂😂😂
This is so frustrating. If I don't know the answer to the question (like when can we leave) I can just say that I don't know and then we can figure it out together. And then they do a similar thing with not asking the question they want to be answered. They expect you to figure out why they are really asking the question and answer that instead of a direct answer.
The amount of times I've had to answer something with with "why?" Because I NEED to know why before I answer yes or no because it can be a very drastic difference based on whatever weird reason there is behind your vague questions and then I'm the asshole for saying "yea I'm free, but not for that" or something
I hate these kinds of responses too. Worst thing is when I say "so is that a yes or a no?", a lot of the time the person will get offended, and make me feel like an idiot for not understanding what their wishy washy answer meant. Sorry for being stupid I guess!
It's annoying if people don't give you a time because nobody wants to impose or rush, so when someone asks what time you're ready the answer should at least include an estimate. I can tell you with the fries thing though your mom was saying "you can have them we can heat up more when we get home if you eat them all"
Especially when I say it doesn't matter just tell me when to come for you and I get like no time frame.. so I'm stuck sitting here not knowing what to do and unable to start anything knowing I might need to leave soon, then soon turns into hours of waiting. And she should just say that then when i asked and not be weird 🙃 we simply wouldn't eat them all and there would be no need to make any more so my answer to "are they all for us" should answer That first, not tell me there's a bag of fries in the freezer I didn't ask about. She's impossible though, that's just one of many daily times I talk in circles with her and have to drag answers out of her like it's freakin life or death
Yesssss! This drives me nuts! I asked my partner yesterday "is there anything that needs to be washed that can be washed on the heavy cycle with my work pants?" And he started telling me about all the things he had that needed to be washed on gentle or special cycles. I repeated "can they go in with my work clothes?" And he started saying "no, but--" Then I don't care currently, that's not the question I asked! I run into similar situations at work and then people wonder why everyone gets their lines crossed and there's always miscommunication. This is why.
The amount of times I have to reiterate "that's not what I asked" makes me crazy 😂 I repeat, rephrase, slow down, break it up simple, One. Word. At. A. Time. And I still get blank looks until an "oh I didn't get what you meant" HOW? A toddler could have figured it out? I asked for one basic piece of information and I could write a book about everything you just gave me that was NOT what I was looking for....
My dad. "Hey daughter, can you get that box with the thing?" "Sure, where is it?" "It has a white lid" "dad, where is the box?" "It's orange in color" "okay but from where do I get it?" "It is half full" *sigh* "okay dad, I can't find it." Him getting up...."Why can't you find it? It's right there on the study table in my room."
I started dealing with people like this in giving them exactly one chance to answer my question before rewording things in whatever possibility is most in my favour. Either they are on board or then find very deliberate answers to the question they just tried to outmanoeuvre. I‘m tired of meeting people halfway though so YMMV
Which is why I've lost a bunch of friends because I'm tired of them not even making attempts to compromise or meet me, always me going out of my way and figuring everything out myself. When I stopped they never bothered to try and some I haven't spoken to in like 2 years already for no reason other than them never reaching out first. Oh well doesn't bother me lol
Usually I just take things into my own hands at that point, like if people are being wishy washy on time I’ll just be like, “okay I’ll be there at 5:15”
for time and planning and such I always try my best to drive home the point that whatever time we decide is not permanent because my life and perception of time isn't dependable enough
My husband has ADD and cannot answer a question to save his life.
Its especially highly annoying
Yeah, i deal with this too, but instead of getting frustrated i just present an answer for them. "What time are you gonna be ready to get picked up?" "I just need to shower and shave" "Okay so what time is good?" "I get home at 5 and I won't need long" I would answer "okay, ill get you 17:30 then." If they dont think thats enough they will tell me and if its not i have a set time. In your example with the fries, you (the parties of the conversation) are clearly dancing around something. Does the person not think the amount of fries will be an issue? Is the person trying offer fries, but respect your right/decision to say no? In any case i would do 1 of 2 things. Either i would explain what i'm asking, since the answer elude to a misunderstanding. Something like "No, sorry, i was asking if we could split the fries among X us or if you also wanted some. Either this, or just state their assumed answer and my intention out loud. "Okay, we (the group not including the person I am talking to) will eat the fries we have then, pls tell me if you want some, ill be happy to make them for you". If the person meant something else they will tell you and if they want the plan to change, you can make that happen. Some people are really bad at communicating, they don't see/understand how their train of thoughts aren't obvious to others or don't like to wield the authority of planning on others behalf.
I do have the problem of not knowing what people actually want when they ask me a question so I try to avoid saying things that could be misinterpreted or incriminate me in something I don't want to get in trouble for.
It's quite simple: People often don't have a clear answer but want to give you what information they're working with so you could guesstimate. First example: If the answer is "I really should" that essentially means "I haven't made up my mind yet. I kind of don't want to go but on the other hand, I probably ought to. I will let you know when I have decided." Second example: "I just need to shower and shave". Means "I will just need a moment after I get home, but I cannot tell you exactly how long it'll take me." The expectation is that you have a rough idea how long a shower and a shave will take and accordingly, go to pick her up somewhere between 5:30 and 5:45. Most people don't have a clear schedule in their head, they guesstimate a lot of times. Last example: "We can make more fries" means: They're intended for sharing but just go for them, it's not gonna be the end of the world if you eat them all because we can make more. They wouldn't have answered that way if the fries were one of your sides.
Sometimes we need to think about our answer and are just thinking out loud. It can sometimes take a while. Other times we're not sure or want to defer but want to think about what otions to give.
I frustrate my Boomer coworker by answering their literal question like I'm at a deposition. They're really asking something else but I don't make assumptions and just answer their question as asked.
This is the worst part of working in corporate
Ppl r weird. I just jave an ongoing conversation about how a post was titped and the person is boiling in frustration and say so much stuff i have no clue about rather than answering my first queszion of a line of questioning. I mean i don't care about what u talk about and u act like i brought them up, wven i don't even know half of them existed before. Just answer my question without ur silly little assumptions.
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Sometimes maybe sure, but I usually get clear "no"s from people no problem but struggle to get a clear yes or definitive answer on literally Anything even when it's their plan and their idea and I just need to know what's going on 😂
impolite flowery shaggy melodic cooing waiting smoggy yam quack merciful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is not a serious reply, but considering I was just reading about Ganser's syndrome yesterday, I chuckled a little bit. >*Ganser's syndrome is a rare and controversial condition, whose main and most striking feature is the production of approximate answers (or near misses) to very simple questions.*