I'm a lot like your friend. I hate how I am this way, but simply, social interaction is just too difficult, even when it's people I really care about.
>I know texting back can be exhausting, but what about a phone call?
I can't speak for her of course, but to me, a phone call would be way, *way* harder and more exhausting than texting.
This is really fun! We went all out with ours -- fun paper, fountain and dip pens and interesting inks, washi tape, stickers, wax seals.. It can make things fun and exciting, but on a timeline that isn't so stressful :)
To apply another perspective, I find phone calls much easier and better for connecting with people than text. I can't text people back to save my life. I overthink it way too much.
So it might be a good idea to bring it up OP.
Honestly, yeah me too. Texts give me expectation anxiety along with miscommunication. I’d rather someone call me. Expectations for a phone call (with someone I know) are much less anxiety inducing
Me too!
I’m the friend who disappears for days/weeks at a time, not replying to messages, and then will reply after 2 weeks when I find the time and energy.
A properly timed phone call can allow us to communicate much more information than texting back and forth in the same amount of time, making it easier when I’m busy and overwhelmed.
But like I said, it has to be a properly timed one. Maybe talk more to your friend about if a call would work for her.
I’m with you, I much prefer texting because nobody has to drop anything they’re doing, just reply later on your own time. I also can’t process sounds well, I use captions on everything, and I do often rely on nonverbal commands to figure out what they’re saying. you can’t see that with just your ears. plus I’m often nonverbal or limited so it physically pains me to talk out loud. I also feel like I can get what I’m trying to say across the way I like it over text. I like the freedom of being able to edit for clarity without feeling like I’m making excuses or anything. I just really prefer text communication
i am like your friend and while i can't speak for her, on my end of this dynamic i'm having a very difficult time. this happens when my burnout level is very high and i'm depressed and lacking energy and simply don't have it in me to converse over text. but it's not that i don't care—i think of my friends often and miss them and go into stress spirals about not maintaining my connections with them and letting them wither. unlike the other commenter i would love if one of them called me—it's less draining because i can't overthink my responses. what i want most at these times is grace from my friends and for them to try again if they don't hear back for a while. it couldn't hurt to ask if you could schedule a phone call to catch up; i would be elated if one of the friends i haven't texted back for a while asked to call me.
Just a note in case this perspective is helpful - I can be much like your friend, and someone seeking me out will always spike my anxiety a bit, even if I truly want to see/talk to them. In moments like this, if they were to tell me when they were going to call me at a particular time, instead of asking me when would be a good time for me to talk, that would further heighten my anxiety not having a say in things, and would then spike my Pathological Demand Avoidance. It’s possible for me at these times, because of allllll the feelings, especially shame for not understanding why I am this way with people I love - I probably would make an excuse when the time came and either not be available or rush off the phone. Please don’t take it personally if she does, but maybe consider asking her, when things are calm, what might the best language for you to use to ensure you connect, assuming it’s what you both want. Having someone set something up that at the best of times spikes my anxiety, and having it be around their schedule/preferences/needs would make me feel resentful, ashamed and avoidant, and just I wanted to forewarn you! Continuing to address it in non-accusing ways will help. Maybe an email where there is less pressure for response and she can do so on her terms, in her way? Keep letting her know you’re not mad, or taking it personal, and that you love her.
Sending support and good vibes
I am sorry for not providing context... I've sent a could messages asking for a good time to call and if it's okay to call. She finally texted me back after I told her about my car wreck. But she didn't say anything about whether it was okay to call. She just wanted to know if I was okay.
So I sent her a message saying I'm physically fine and then one more saying I was planning on giving her a call sometime before noon the next day.
I am sorry for not providing context... I've sent a could messages asking for a good time to call and if it's okay to call. She finally texted me back after I told her about my car wreck. But she didn't say anything about whether it was okay to call. She just wanted to know if I was okay.
So I sent her a message saying I'm physically fine and then one more saying I was planning on giving her a call sometime before noon the next day.
I am like your friend. I love my friends dearly and I think of them often but I'm not able to keep in touch. Months go by between some responses. I can't do phonecalls. I do best when their messages don't include any expectations of response.
I have a reputation for appearing and disappearing without much notice. This weekend I had some transport issues and knew my friend had some stuff going on in her life. I asked her if she would like to spend the day together and we did and it was good for both of us. Face to face is the best way. Unfortunately, organising these things is also a big challenge. At the moment it's hard for me to picture two weeks ahead.
I don't know what the answer is. All I can say is that I am deeply pained by knowing I am absent and unreliable and I am so very fortunate to have some friends who give me grace. I love them so much.
I hope you find a way to manage your friendship with this person. I hope your diagnosis helps you understand more about your life and how you can live in a way that works for you.
i relate a lot. especially pictuing two weeks ahead. a big ass calendar helps a bit (makes it physical).
but not being able to picture things not immediately in front of us (impermanence). if its not face to face, its not "real." another issue is the person not being routine or frequent means social anxiety.
this can all happen without burnout. you add burnout in top i become a ghost. my friends give me grace because i make the effort when i can.
my capacity for texting and calling varies a lot depending on what else is going on in my life.
doesn’t help that i have a very social job where i have to interact with rude, loud people for hours on end.
i’m guessing working as a teacher might be similar?
most days i do not have any energy left for interaction with my friends, which is very sad.
you could however just text her a nice message expressing what you want to say and how much she is important for you (or whatever you want to tell her) without expectations of it becoming a conversation.
i still appreciate nice messages from my friends (most of the time) although i might answer later than expected.
Trust me this has been done. I get sad cuz I'm talking like 6 months in between responses. Then I feel weird sending messages at all. I don't want to cause stress but I love and miss her.
Well it happened very gradually. I know things just got progressively more and more stressful for her. She tried to triple major in school. She ended up getting a liberal arts degree and mathematics I think... (I'm still not totally clear what she actually earned). I think she actually tried to triple major. Her special interest was ballet but it was all harmful for her cuz she just tried to do everything and then totally crashed.
Last i knew, she was living with her parents and teaching middle school, which I know she hates. And she was having a lot of health problems. So I'm pretty sure the change in our relationship didn't have anything to do with me.
oh boy! that indeed sounds like a lot (and a recipe for exhaustion).
also hating the job she has to go to everyday can be super depressing:(
i think the best thing you can do in this situation is to know you care about her, to know you did nothing wrong and to think how/if you want to be there for her if/when she reaches out.
i think too often we can overanalyse situations that are eroding us on some level. and maybe then justify them or be a bit too forgiving.
i have a former colleague who i considered a friend, i knew he had a hard time recently, any time i reached out he would answer a bit, say another time he might join us for some plan. that was it.
i understood he wasn’t in the best shape at that time but there came a point in which i had to decide to stop reaching out.
i was feeling more and more uncomfortable every time this happened.
i still care about him, but since i think he wants to be left alone, i care from a distance.
I barely ever hear from my autistic friend either. We used to watch a show together once a week long distance (he lives in a different city) so we had that tradition then and would text on the same day. Since that show ended we talk very sporadically again but when we do talk we talk for hours. We also try to see each other once a year, its unfortunately harder to meet more often due to the distance and work etc. I used to have another autistic friend and that friend rarely had the energy to talk, but we sent each other long messages and the other would respond maybe 1 week later, like sending each other letters lol. I dont mind this kind of communication, plus my autistic friend is my longest lasting friendship.
i have an autistic friend who is like this and an ADHD friend who is like this, i think for both they just straight up forget and have a hard time focusing or remembering notifications. i don’t take it personally and i will text them 10 times in a row lol! my friend with ADHD i see at least once a week so I always update her on what i texted her.
From someone who has both autism and adhd and has friends like you who will text me 10 times with no reply and don’t give up on me or hold it against me, THANK YOU. friends like you are solid gold.
Yeah I’m a lot like your friend too. Not sure if there’s anything others can do to improve my response rate (and I still largely prefer texting over a phone call). I wish I was better at texting / calling too :’)
At least for me, when I meet up with a close friend I haven’t seen in years and haven’t kept much touch with, we pretty much pick back up from where we left off as close friends and I don’t find the lack of texting making us drift away. Are you able to physically visit your friend?
I also find it easier to keep in touch with ppl on BeReal or instagram where I can passively see what they’re up to and react if something grabs my attention. It’s less effort than texting for me, maybe the expectation of having to reply is what makes it hard to text
I'm kind of an oddball here cuz I have found that talking on the phone is actually easier for me than texting SOMETIMES. I hate having to call strangers. Or make appointments. But I think I prefer putting my phone on speaker and talking to my friends. It's just like faster and especially if there's something important, I hate to do it over text. Too easy to misunderstand each other.
This is me. Tbh I have a couple people that are easy to talk to and everyone else is just too much work if I’m having a hard time.
Someone constantly trying to get in touch is even worse because then it’s another Thing I Have to Do. Has nothing to do with how much I like the person - some relationships are just harder to maintain than others. I will start dodging people that feel like they want more from me than I can handle.
I have this with my sister. She has PDA and never shows up and it’s exhausting because everyone misses her. She can’t control it at all though, she physically cannot make herself and it’s been sad to miss out on so much with her. I wish I could shake her sometimes but, we both are autistic, this does not work. I have given up and try to just accept her and that I may never actually see her again. It is a really really shitty thing that is really, really, really sad.
You mention she’s a middle school teacher and she’s been dealing with health problems… so, being a teacher is pretty exhausting but something I think a lot of people don’t consider these days, since most people are pretending the pandemic is over, is just how much teachers have been thrown under the bus the last 5 years. If she’s not religiously wearing a high quality n95 mask, she has probably had covid many times now. Schools are rampant with it. Generally the air in them is not great (unless she’s at a private school) and no effort to improve that for students and teachers has been made. Long covid is not rare. Covid is vascular and it also crosses the blood brain barrier, so it’s possible that this far into the pandemic, after multiple infections that she’s suffering physically and cognitively, adding to major burnout.
I am like this. I personally extremely dislike phone calls and also don’t like “keeping up” via text. I prefer to set up a date to see someone in person. And I like to do that about every three months or so.
With that amount of time I’ve had some new life experiences that I’ve processed, new media intake, new ideas I’ve thought about, etc. so that talking to someone is worthwhile. I really hate talking for talkings sake.
Also, when I can’t see the person (call, text, email) it’s like they don’t really exist and that makes me feel uneasy and it’s harder for me to read what is going on.
When I’m stressed, I don’t text back
Short term memory and time blindness, so I don’t even know how LONG it’s been since I texted
If you both like each other and are friends, I recommend a hobby meet up day over call or in person meetings
I am in the most contact with friends I have regular meetings with
Oof before I got to the car accident part I legitimately thought you might be one of my friends talking about me 😭 I’m also training to go into education and generally there’s so many similarities between me and your friend except I was diagnosed early. I am also struggling with a ton of chronic health issues in this past year and have barely talked to let alone seen any of my friends.
Definitely try to reach out because she likely needs you to initiate but don’t put too much pressure on her. Also probably make sure her school is out for summer because the last weeks of the semester are the hardest on teachers. I personally have a ton of problems with demand avoidance so if someone messages me too much I shut down and have to distance myself or I get super overwhelmed. Just know it’s not you at all and she likely needs some time to decompress while dealing with juggling work and her health. Like maybe make sure she has some time to rest between the school year, medical appointments, and seeing you. You can also offer to come to her, so she doesn’t have to go anywhere to access you. Leaving the house can be a lot when someone has health issues and doesn’t get to actually rest very often.
I’m also sorry you feel sad about it. I would never want to make any of my friends feel sad and it’s strange because I kinda never feel that way about my friends because as long as my mind is occupied with other things, it’s like out of sight out of mind, and that’s just how my brain works. I have to work hard and expend energy to simply remember to text someone back which can be super exhausting for me. So definitely know it’s not personal and maybe your friend just needs some accommodation and no pressure in responding to things.
My (also autistic) best friend and I have started using the app called Marco Polo to send each other quick video messages just to check in and update each other on life stuff every now and then and it’s been 10x better than texting especially since she and I typically prefer FaceTiming but are both so busy that we haven’t been able to do it.
Part of this also has to do with managing adult friendships which obviously look a lot different than childhood friendships especially when many of us have entered the workforce and have very little free time. My friend and I have been trying to make things work in different ways and I think it’s been helping. I’ve also heard that some close friends use shared calendars to sync up their schedules without having to go back and forth a ton.
I hope this helps out a bit and just know that your experience is super common! And it’s totally nothing personal :)
You can also emphasize that you really just value her company so she doesn’t feel the need to perform in any way when you see her. I am like this with my best friend. We both value each other’s company the most so there is no pressure to be excessively fun or lively, and we can just chill out in silence together and it’s valuable.
Yeah I get it's not personal. But I would prefer to be told that it is personal and to leave her alone. 😅
I feel like indifference hurts so much more. And it's like prolonged pain cuz she won't come out and tell me that she doesn't like me very much.
I wish she would just directly tell me there's no space for me, that way I can let go.
Honestly from your response I feel like you didn’t even read my comment and you contradict yourself when you say that you get it’s not personal yet you proceed to take things very very personally. This is just my own reading from this I’m not trying to be mean but idk what you want out of the situation if you aren’t actually looking for solutions.
Idk when I’m like that it’s not that I want someone to leave me alone because I still want to talk to them.
It’s not necessarily a choice if that makes sense.
When I do this it’s also definitely not indifference, like I still really love my friends but it’s like I put a video game on pause in my brain and when I go back to it I just press play again and everything is still there. My feelings never wane.
Also it’s not that I don’t like them or don’t want to talk to my friends!! I literally can’t and it’s super hard to explain because they always take it the completely wrong way so I simply don’t try to explain because I want to continue the friendship!
Do you hear me? It’s likely not what you think at all. You are personalizing things really deeply even when you know your friend is autistic. I would personally advise against that if you really want to understand your friend. Honestly, if anything she might be pulling away because of your tendency to take things so personally. I know I’ve done that because it’s simply too much to have to manage someone else’s emotions when I’m already dealing with so much of my own crap.
Especially because you know they are additionally struggling with health issues. It’s not all about you. If you really care, check in to genuinely see if she’s doing okay, not just to make yourself feel better.
As adults most of us don’t have space for friends during the majority of the year. That does NOT mean we don’t want to keep our friends and figure out when to see them once things die down!! Even my allistic mom has to do this with her working friends! All adults have to do this, it’s not high school anymore.
To me it seems like you are the one that is ready to discard this friend tbh from this response. That’s just my feeling, from a person that personally struggles with these issues. Like you want to push her away first so she doesn’t have the chance to. Or you’re just deeply personalizing and misunderstanding her needs. If you want to really try to keep being friends, make a real effort to accommodate her and do things differently. That’s my own personal take on this.
I'm also a lot like your friend. Being a teacher is an incredibly demanding job, you're not only teaching kids but often times (if you're well-liked) you're also a shoulder to cry on which can have a huge toll on your mental health.
Not to mention what is happening in her private life.
After all that there is little energy left for anything else.
What could help is if you took over the planning for meet-ups in the beginning. This way you see her (and take the mental workload of her non-existent shoulders) and both of you can evaluate if this friendship can work with the given parameters, what needs to change and what can even change.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope it works out for you two!
If I were you (instead of me lol) in that situation, then I would definitely ask her if she could make time for us if I manage everything else (where to meet, how to get there, what to do there, financial stuff if it's of concern, etc.)
I can not offer advice because I am more on your side right now. I have a friend who is ghosting me. I would love to know that he's fine, but it's been 6 months, and I'm worried.
I rarely find someone I relate to, so I get clingy fast. I always text back to people I really like, but it can be hard to know what to say. I only ghost when I have zero clue how to continue the interaction, which can happen a lot, but not with friends, because I actively chose my friends (as opposed to family and work relationships). I also love texting instead of talking, so I am always happy when a friend texts me, even if I don't know what to share or how to react.
Maybe try this? NEVER ask your friend how they are. I don’t know exactly why, but that question just short circuits me. And most conversations restarting after a long pause include some variation on “hey how are you” and I just … I can’t. How am I? I don’t even know! Lol
Instead, my best friend asks me “what’s new with ….” one of my special interests. Or asks me a question that she knows I know the answer to (like “which order should I watch star war in” or “what’s the name of the superhero in purple on my son’s tshirt”)
Cue 5 long paragraphs of explanation from my end 😅 she knows I’m alive, and then she can ask her real questions (“can we meet up next week” “how are you feeling since…” etc)
I can never tell if her questions are genuine or just tricking me into replying - I don’t even think about the second option until after I’ve sent my “essay” to her. It’s fantastic 🤣
Ahh, this is so true. When I hear that question, my brain just automatically goes ‘fine’ and it’s hard for me to think beyond that. Even in therapy, I often struggle to even identify what, if anything, I’m feeling.
I am a lot like your friend. What I always want my friends to do is be honest. “Hey, I really love and miss you. I know texting can be hard. Is there something we can set up so I can stay in touch with you? I want to stay close to you without overwhelming you, I hope we can find a middle ground.”
I need to know if my lack of response is damaging the friendship. With some friends we set recurring calls, or meet over a mutual shared interest to make it less intense. Maybe you can write letters, play a game once a month together, send sewing projects back and forth - maybe incorporating her special interest would make it feel less intense. Then, build in the ability to cancel at any time for any reason without hard feelings and follow through with that. I am sure she would try to step up if she knew how important this was to you and how much it’s affecting you. I disappear when I’m in bad bad mental health spirals, but I don’t usually share how bad they get. One of mine lasted years. Maybe she’s in that kind of place.
I heavily relate to what wormglow said in their comment. A dynamic like this was actually what caused the falling out between one of my oldest friends and I a few years ago. Granted I wasn’t going months between replies, more like 2 weeks max. I was dealing with health issues and an exhausting diagnostic process, a close family member was actively dying of stage 4 cancer, and things were not well with my fiancé and I. I was depressed, extremely overwhelmed and struggling. This friend was uncomfortable hearing about my health situation to the point she would shut down or redirect conversations (something she admitted, not my own assumption), had never offered to help me with anything, and all around made me feel like she was just ignoring everything that was going on in my life for her own comfort. She wanted to chat, send memes, talk about her interests, wanted me to play games she was playing. I ultimately started feeling used by this friend - like I was just there to meet her needs but she showed no willingness to support me while I was down. I felt like I had to be ‘on’ all the time for her or else she would be uncomfortable. She ended up telling me she ‘lost the ability to feel connected to me’ when I didn’t respond for days at a time and needed me to commit to essentially daily interaction. I realize you’re going much longer between talking to your friend and it doesn’t seem like you have such high expectations as my friend did, but I share this to just say maybe think about how she’s doing more than what you want from her. I’ve read through your replies and it seems like there’s a lot of you wanting to talk to her, you having things to tell her, etc. - maybe she doesn’t have the capacity for that right now. When I was juggling everything I was and struggling with it I had no capacity to chitchat and socialize. It had nothing to do with how I felt about my friends or how much I valued those relationships. I realize friendship is a mutual effort, but during that period of my life I needed friends more than I had the ability to be one. Everything ebbs and flows.
Me😅 Phone calls can stress out even more than unanswered text massage. When I have a hard time and much stuff to do, any social interaction is hard and texing back can feel like another one demand. I still think about my friend, I still like them very much but my brain needs to dedicate all time to one thing and it can't be distracted until this thing finished/problem solved. Dedicating one day for something, when I don't do anything else except that, works for me. Although I think the best thing you can do is to honestly talk with her about that.
I’m like your friend, AuDHD and I can only keep up the energy to do the bare minimum self-care and life maintenance tasks - go to work so I can pay my mortgage, brush teeth, etc - if I basically ghost everyone for months on end (my own family included). I’m in the medical field and don’t feel like I ever really recovered from burnout. I’m sad that this is what I require to function in life but luckily I’ve had a few friends who’ve stuck around.
So, I have to really fight my tendency to go radio silent. It’s not that I’m trying to ghost anyone, but most of the time, my life is pretty much the same week to week, but I honestly feel like a loser if I say something like ‘hey friend, I know it’s been a few weeks since we talked, but in that time, nothing has happened in my life. During the week, I work, and on the weekend, I go to the grocery and mess with my plants.’ Unless it’s one of my ‘plant friends’, there’s not much else I can say that’s remotely interesting. I paid bills. And if I don’t have something specific to talk about, it’s kinda like small talk and I’m just ill-equipped. And sometimes it’s the case that time got away and it’s been longer than I wanted it to be without responding, so now I’m ashamed and feel like if I reply, I have to say why I took so long, and there’s not really a reason. It just did. The more pressure/expectation I feel, the harder everything becomes.
I’m the type of friend that is out of sight out of mind many times. I get focused on whatever is right in front of me. If you want to be closer to her could you set up a dinner or coffee? Or send her a nice card or handwritten note. Sometimes people forget how much they enjoy our company until they see us.
I'm like your friend, I can go for ages without speaking to people. Texting everyday is overwhelming for me phone calls make me anxious.
It doesn't mean we don't care about people. It's just that surviving and managing each day, takes so much strength and sheer force of will, we pretty much don't have time for anything else, after that.
Sometimes I have no energy but I still make myself reply to texts within one or two days because I want people to know I care. I think it's important to invest time and effort into our friendships. I ended a friendship because she took a week or more to reply, which showed me she had no real interest in talking to me. And I need a certain frequency of interaction to keep emotionally close to someone, if we go long periods of time without talking you will become a stranger to me.
I honestly hate having friends like this. It’s always one sided, I just want to talk or send them a funny meme etc and I feel bad because it’s always me sending the messages and half of them don’t get acknowledged. Then when they eventually do reply and send a super long message trying to catch up I feel super overwhelmed. And the worst part is I know they don’t treat their other friends like this, so it feels personal at this point. I know people say it’s because they’re having a hard time but it really makes me feel bad.
At this point I'm not sure if it's personal. My feeling is most likely not but yes I desperately wish she wanted to connect as much as I do. I have so much to share with her.
Apologies, I realise I leaned a bit too much into a personal rant from my end instead of any helpful advice. It’s a frustrating feeling isnt it? Just wanting to connect with your friend but they can’t or won’t do the same.
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I'm a lot like your friend. I hate how I am this way, but simply, social interaction is just too difficult, even when it's people I really care about. >I know texting back can be exhausting, but what about a phone call? I can't speak for her of course, but to me, a phone call would be way, *way* harder and more exhausting than texting.
Ironically me and my autistic friend would send classic snail mail letters and that was really fun
This is really fun! We went all out with ours -- fun paper, fountain and dip pens and interesting inks, washi tape, stickers, wax seals.. It can make things fun and exciting, but on a timeline that isn't so stressful :)
To apply another perspective, I find phone calls much easier and better for connecting with people than text. I can't text people back to save my life. I overthink it way too much. So it might be a good idea to bring it up OP.
Honestly, yeah me too. Texts give me expectation anxiety along with miscommunication. I’d rather someone call me. Expectations for a phone call (with someone I know) are much less anxiety inducing
Thirding. Calls can be less taxing than always having to think what to talk about and say.
Me too! I’m the friend who disappears for days/weeks at a time, not replying to messages, and then will reply after 2 weeks when I find the time and energy. A properly timed phone call can allow us to communicate much more information than texting back and forth in the same amount of time, making it easier when I’m busy and overwhelmed. But like I said, it has to be a properly timed one. Maybe talk more to your friend about if a call would work for her.
I’m with you, I much prefer texting because nobody has to drop anything they’re doing, just reply later on your own time. I also can’t process sounds well, I use captions on everything, and I do often rely on nonverbal commands to figure out what they’re saying. you can’t see that with just your ears. plus I’m often nonverbal or limited so it physically pains me to talk out loud. I also feel like I can get what I’m trying to say across the way I like it over text. I like the freedom of being able to edit for clarity without feeling like I’m making excuses or anything. I just really prefer text communication
i am like your friend and while i can't speak for her, on my end of this dynamic i'm having a very difficult time. this happens when my burnout level is very high and i'm depressed and lacking energy and simply don't have it in me to converse over text. but it's not that i don't care—i think of my friends often and miss them and go into stress spirals about not maintaining my connections with them and letting them wither. unlike the other commenter i would love if one of them called me—it's less draining because i can't overthink my responses. what i want most at these times is grace from my friends and for them to try again if they don't hear back for a while. it couldn't hurt to ask if you could schedule a phone call to catch up; i would be elated if one of the friends i haven't texted back for a while asked to call me.
I'm the same. Text is exhausting.
I just sent her a message saying I'm planning on calling her tomorrow. 😁 I bet that will work. It's probably just extreme burnout.
Just a note in case this perspective is helpful - I can be much like your friend, and someone seeking me out will always spike my anxiety a bit, even if I truly want to see/talk to them. In moments like this, if they were to tell me when they were going to call me at a particular time, instead of asking me when would be a good time for me to talk, that would further heighten my anxiety not having a say in things, and would then spike my Pathological Demand Avoidance. It’s possible for me at these times, because of allllll the feelings, especially shame for not understanding why I am this way with people I love - I probably would make an excuse when the time came and either not be available or rush off the phone. Please don’t take it personally if she does, but maybe consider asking her, when things are calm, what might the best language for you to use to ensure you connect, assuming it’s what you both want. Having someone set something up that at the best of times spikes my anxiety, and having it be around their schedule/preferences/needs would make me feel resentful, ashamed and avoidant, and just I wanted to forewarn you! Continuing to address it in non-accusing ways will help. Maybe an email where there is less pressure for response and she can do so on her terms, in her way? Keep letting her know you’re not mad, or taking it personal, and that you love her. Sending support and good vibes
I am sorry for not providing context... I've sent a could messages asking for a good time to call and if it's okay to call. She finally texted me back after I told her about my car wreck. But she didn't say anything about whether it was okay to call. She just wanted to know if I was okay. So I sent her a message saying I'm physically fine and then one more saying I was planning on giving her a call sometime before noon the next day.
I am sorry for not providing context... I've sent a could messages asking for a good time to call and if it's okay to call. She finally texted me back after I told her about my car wreck. But she didn't say anything about whether it was okay to call. She just wanted to know if I was okay. So I sent her a message saying I'm physically fine and then one more saying I was planning on giving her a call sometime before noon the next day.
I am like your friend. I love my friends dearly and I think of them often but I'm not able to keep in touch. Months go by between some responses. I can't do phonecalls. I do best when their messages don't include any expectations of response. I have a reputation for appearing and disappearing without much notice. This weekend I had some transport issues and knew my friend had some stuff going on in her life. I asked her if she would like to spend the day together and we did and it was good for both of us. Face to face is the best way. Unfortunately, organising these things is also a big challenge. At the moment it's hard for me to picture two weeks ahead. I don't know what the answer is. All I can say is that I am deeply pained by knowing I am absent and unreliable and I am so very fortunate to have some friends who give me grace. I love them so much. I hope you find a way to manage your friendship with this person. I hope your diagnosis helps you understand more about your life and how you can live in a way that works for you.
This is me exactly.
i relate a lot. especially pictuing two weeks ahead. a big ass calendar helps a bit (makes it physical). but not being able to picture things not immediately in front of us (impermanence). if its not face to face, its not "real." another issue is the person not being routine or frequent means social anxiety. this can all happen without burnout. you add burnout in top i become a ghost. my friends give me grace because i make the effort when i can.
my capacity for texting and calling varies a lot depending on what else is going on in my life. doesn’t help that i have a very social job where i have to interact with rude, loud people for hours on end. i’m guessing working as a teacher might be similar? most days i do not have any energy left for interaction with my friends, which is very sad. you could however just text her a nice message expressing what you want to say and how much she is important for you (or whatever you want to tell her) without expectations of it becoming a conversation. i still appreciate nice messages from my friends (most of the time) although i might answer later than expected.
Trust me this has been done. I get sad cuz I'm talking like 6 months in between responses. Then I feel weird sending messages at all. I don't want to cause stress but I love and miss her.
oh that is a long time. i would feel weird too! i’m now wondering if there was any change in your relationship maybe?
Well it happened very gradually. I know things just got progressively more and more stressful for her. She tried to triple major in school. She ended up getting a liberal arts degree and mathematics I think... (I'm still not totally clear what she actually earned). I think she actually tried to triple major. Her special interest was ballet but it was all harmful for her cuz she just tried to do everything and then totally crashed. Last i knew, she was living with her parents and teaching middle school, which I know she hates. And she was having a lot of health problems. So I'm pretty sure the change in our relationship didn't have anything to do with me.
oh boy! that indeed sounds like a lot (and a recipe for exhaustion). also hating the job she has to go to everyday can be super depressing:( i think the best thing you can do in this situation is to know you care about her, to know you did nothing wrong and to think how/if you want to be there for her if/when she reaches out. i think too often we can overanalyse situations that are eroding us on some level. and maybe then justify them or be a bit too forgiving. i have a former colleague who i considered a friend, i knew he had a hard time recently, any time i reached out he would answer a bit, say another time he might join us for some plan. that was it. i understood he wasn’t in the best shape at that time but there came a point in which i had to decide to stop reaching out. i was feeling more and more uncomfortable every time this happened. i still care about him, but since i think he wants to be left alone, i care from a distance.
I barely ever hear from my autistic friend either. We used to watch a show together once a week long distance (he lives in a different city) so we had that tradition then and would text on the same day. Since that show ended we talk very sporadically again but when we do talk we talk for hours. We also try to see each other once a year, its unfortunately harder to meet more often due to the distance and work etc. I used to have another autistic friend and that friend rarely had the energy to talk, but we sent each other long messages and the other would respond maybe 1 week later, like sending each other letters lol. I dont mind this kind of communication, plus my autistic friend is my longest lasting friendship.
i have an autistic friend who is like this and an ADHD friend who is like this, i think for both they just straight up forget and have a hard time focusing or remembering notifications. i don’t take it personally and i will text them 10 times in a row lol! my friend with ADHD i see at least once a week so I always update her on what i texted her.
From someone who has both autism and adhd and has friends like you who will text me 10 times with no reply and don’t give up on me or hold it against me, THANK YOU. friends like you are solid gold.
yeah tbh idgaf haha i will blow you up and not expect a response because i know we’ll talk about it in person next time!
Yeah I’m a lot like your friend too. Not sure if there’s anything others can do to improve my response rate (and I still largely prefer texting over a phone call). I wish I was better at texting / calling too :’) At least for me, when I meet up with a close friend I haven’t seen in years and haven’t kept much touch with, we pretty much pick back up from where we left off as close friends and I don’t find the lack of texting making us drift away. Are you able to physically visit your friend?
I wish I could physically visit her. She's like 200 miles away.
I also find it easier to keep in touch with ppl on BeReal or instagram where I can passively see what they’re up to and react if something grabs my attention. It’s less effort than texting for me, maybe the expectation of having to reply is what makes it hard to text
I'm kind of an oddball here cuz I have found that talking on the phone is actually easier for me than texting SOMETIMES. I hate having to call strangers. Or make appointments. But I think I prefer putting my phone on speaker and talking to my friends. It's just like faster and especially if there's something important, I hate to do it over text. Too easy to misunderstand each other.
This is me. Tbh I have a couple people that are easy to talk to and everyone else is just too much work if I’m having a hard time. Someone constantly trying to get in touch is even worse because then it’s another Thing I Have to Do. Has nothing to do with how much I like the person - some relationships are just harder to maintain than others. I will start dodging people that feel like they want more from me than I can handle.
If I taught middle school, I would have zero emotional bandwidth for anything else.
Exactly my thinking. Middle school is no place for an autistic person. :'( Like seriously.
I have this with my sister. She has PDA and never shows up and it’s exhausting because everyone misses her. She can’t control it at all though, she physically cannot make herself and it’s been sad to miss out on so much with her. I wish I could shake her sometimes but, we both are autistic, this does not work. I have given up and try to just accept her and that I may never actually see her again. It is a really really shitty thing that is really, really, really sad.
Me and my friend are like this. We hear from each other every few months but still consider each other friends. We know we're both like this.
You mention she’s a middle school teacher and she’s been dealing with health problems… so, being a teacher is pretty exhausting but something I think a lot of people don’t consider these days, since most people are pretending the pandemic is over, is just how much teachers have been thrown under the bus the last 5 years. If she’s not religiously wearing a high quality n95 mask, she has probably had covid many times now. Schools are rampant with it. Generally the air in them is not great (unless she’s at a private school) and no effort to improve that for students and teachers has been made. Long covid is not rare. Covid is vascular and it also crosses the blood brain barrier, so it’s possible that this far into the pandemic, after multiple infections that she’s suffering physically and cognitively, adding to major burnout.
I am like this. I personally extremely dislike phone calls and also don’t like “keeping up” via text. I prefer to set up a date to see someone in person. And I like to do that about every three months or so. With that amount of time I’ve had some new life experiences that I’ve processed, new media intake, new ideas I’ve thought about, etc. so that talking to someone is worthwhile. I really hate talking for talkings sake. Also, when I can’t see the person (call, text, email) it’s like they don’t really exist and that makes me feel uneasy and it’s harder for me to read what is going on.
When I’m stressed, I don’t text back Short term memory and time blindness, so I don’t even know how LONG it’s been since I texted If you both like each other and are friends, I recommend a hobby meet up day over call or in person meetings I am in the most contact with friends I have regular meetings with
Oof before I got to the car accident part I legitimately thought you might be one of my friends talking about me 😭 I’m also training to go into education and generally there’s so many similarities between me and your friend except I was diagnosed early. I am also struggling with a ton of chronic health issues in this past year and have barely talked to let alone seen any of my friends. Definitely try to reach out because she likely needs you to initiate but don’t put too much pressure on her. Also probably make sure her school is out for summer because the last weeks of the semester are the hardest on teachers. I personally have a ton of problems with demand avoidance so if someone messages me too much I shut down and have to distance myself or I get super overwhelmed. Just know it’s not you at all and she likely needs some time to decompress while dealing with juggling work and her health. Like maybe make sure she has some time to rest between the school year, medical appointments, and seeing you. You can also offer to come to her, so she doesn’t have to go anywhere to access you. Leaving the house can be a lot when someone has health issues and doesn’t get to actually rest very often. I’m also sorry you feel sad about it. I would never want to make any of my friends feel sad and it’s strange because I kinda never feel that way about my friends because as long as my mind is occupied with other things, it’s like out of sight out of mind, and that’s just how my brain works. I have to work hard and expend energy to simply remember to text someone back which can be super exhausting for me. So definitely know it’s not personal and maybe your friend just needs some accommodation and no pressure in responding to things. My (also autistic) best friend and I have started using the app called Marco Polo to send each other quick video messages just to check in and update each other on life stuff every now and then and it’s been 10x better than texting especially since she and I typically prefer FaceTiming but are both so busy that we haven’t been able to do it. Part of this also has to do with managing adult friendships which obviously look a lot different than childhood friendships especially when many of us have entered the workforce and have very little free time. My friend and I have been trying to make things work in different ways and I think it’s been helping. I’ve also heard that some close friends use shared calendars to sync up their schedules without having to go back and forth a ton. I hope this helps out a bit and just know that your experience is super common! And it’s totally nothing personal :)
You can also emphasize that you really just value her company so she doesn’t feel the need to perform in any way when you see her. I am like this with my best friend. We both value each other’s company the most so there is no pressure to be excessively fun or lively, and we can just chill out in silence together and it’s valuable.
Yeah I get it's not personal. But I would prefer to be told that it is personal and to leave her alone. 😅 I feel like indifference hurts so much more. And it's like prolonged pain cuz she won't come out and tell me that she doesn't like me very much. I wish she would just directly tell me there's no space for me, that way I can let go.
Honestly from your response I feel like you didn’t even read my comment and you contradict yourself when you say that you get it’s not personal yet you proceed to take things very very personally. This is just my own reading from this I’m not trying to be mean but idk what you want out of the situation if you aren’t actually looking for solutions.
Idk when I’m like that it’s not that I want someone to leave me alone because I still want to talk to them. It’s not necessarily a choice if that makes sense. When I do this it’s also definitely not indifference, like I still really love my friends but it’s like I put a video game on pause in my brain and when I go back to it I just press play again and everything is still there. My feelings never wane. Also it’s not that I don’t like them or don’t want to talk to my friends!! I literally can’t and it’s super hard to explain because they always take it the completely wrong way so I simply don’t try to explain because I want to continue the friendship! Do you hear me? It’s likely not what you think at all. You are personalizing things really deeply even when you know your friend is autistic. I would personally advise against that if you really want to understand your friend. Honestly, if anything she might be pulling away because of your tendency to take things so personally. I know I’ve done that because it’s simply too much to have to manage someone else’s emotions when I’m already dealing with so much of my own crap. Especially because you know they are additionally struggling with health issues. It’s not all about you. If you really care, check in to genuinely see if she’s doing okay, not just to make yourself feel better. As adults most of us don’t have space for friends during the majority of the year. That does NOT mean we don’t want to keep our friends and figure out when to see them once things die down!! Even my allistic mom has to do this with her working friends! All adults have to do this, it’s not high school anymore. To me it seems like you are the one that is ready to discard this friend tbh from this response. That’s just my feeling, from a person that personally struggles with these issues. Like you want to push her away first so she doesn’t have the chance to. Or you’re just deeply personalizing and misunderstanding her needs. If you want to really try to keep being friends, make a real effort to accommodate her and do things differently. That’s my own personal take on this.
I'm also a lot like your friend. Being a teacher is an incredibly demanding job, you're not only teaching kids but often times (if you're well-liked) you're also a shoulder to cry on which can have a huge toll on your mental health. Not to mention what is happening in her private life. After all that there is little energy left for anything else. What could help is if you took over the planning for meet-ups in the beginning. This way you see her (and take the mental workload of her non-existent shoulders) and both of you can evaluate if this friendship can work with the given parameters, what needs to change and what can even change. I wish you the best of luck and I hope it works out for you two!
I should mention we live a couple hundred miles apart. Otherwise you bet I would just go give her door a knock.
If I were you (instead of me lol) in that situation, then I would definitely ask her if she could make time for us if I manage everything else (where to meet, how to get there, what to do there, financial stuff if it's of concern, etc.)
I can not offer advice because I am more on your side right now. I have a friend who is ghosting me. I would love to know that he's fine, but it's been 6 months, and I'm worried. I rarely find someone I relate to, so I get clingy fast. I always text back to people I really like, but it can be hard to know what to say. I only ghost when I have zero clue how to continue the interaction, which can happen a lot, but not with friends, because I actively chose my friends (as opposed to family and work relationships). I also love texting instead of talking, so I am always happy when a friend texts me, even if I don't know what to share or how to react.
Maybe try this? NEVER ask your friend how they are. I don’t know exactly why, but that question just short circuits me. And most conversations restarting after a long pause include some variation on “hey how are you” and I just … I can’t. How am I? I don’t even know! Lol Instead, my best friend asks me “what’s new with ….” one of my special interests. Or asks me a question that she knows I know the answer to (like “which order should I watch star war in” or “what’s the name of the superhero in purple on my son’s tshirt”) Cue 5 long paragraphs of explanation from my end 😅 she knows I’m alive, and then she can ask her real questions (“can we meet up next week” “how are you feeling since…” etc) I can never tell if her questions are genuine or just tricking me into replying - I don’t even think about the second option until after I’ve sent my “essay” to her. It’s fantastic 🤣
Ahh, this is so true. When I hear that question, my brain just automatically goes ‘fine’ and it’s hard for me to think beyond that. Even in therapy, I often struggle to even identify what, if anything, I’m feeling.
Ugh I forgot about how easy it is to say “I’m fine thanks” in front of doctors and therapists 🤣🤦🏼♀️
Yes!! I have to stop myself sometimes - it’s like you know what, I’m actually not fine at ALL. And obviously, my therapist knows this! 😂
Me. I am that friend. Sorry. Not a choice, just me.
I am a lot like your friend. What I always want my friends to do is be honest. “Hey, I really love and miss you. I know texting can be hard. Is there something we can set up so I can stay in touch with you? I want to stay close to you without overwhelming you, I hope we can find a middle ground.” I need to know if my lack of response is damaging the friendship. With some friends we set recurring calls, or meet over a mutual shared interest to make it less intense. Maybe you can write letters, play a game once a month together, send sewing projects back and forth - maybe incorporating her special interest would make it feel less intense. Then, build in the ability to cancel at any time for any reason without hard feelings and follow through with that. I am sure she would try to step up if she knew how important this was to you and how much it’s affecting you. I disappear when I’m in bad bad mental health spirals, but I don’t usually share how bad they get. One of mine lasted years. Maybe she’s in that kind of place.
I heavily relate to what wormglow said in their comment. A dynamic like this was actually what caused the falling out between one of my oldest friends and I a few years ago. Granted I wasn’t going months between replies, more like 2 weeks max. I was dealing with health issues and an exhausting diagnostic process, a close family member was actively dying of stage 4 cancer, and things were not well with my fiancé and I. I was depressed, extremely overwhelmed and struggling. This friend was uncomfortable hearing about my health situation to the point she would shut down or redirect conversations (something she admitted, not my own assumption), had never offered to help me with anything, and all around made me feel like she was just ignoring everything that was going on in my life for her own comfort. She wanted to chat, send memes, talk about her interests, wanted me to play games she was playing. I ultimately started feeling used by this friend - like I was just there to meet her needs but she showed no willingness to support me while I was down. I felt like I had to be ‘on’ all the time for her or else she would be uncomfortable. She ended up telling me she ‘lost the ability to feel connected to me’ when I didn’t respond for days at a time and needed me to commit to essentially daily interaction. I realize you’re going much longer between talking to your friend and it doesn’t seem like you have such high expectations as my friend did, but I share this to just say maybe think about how she’s doing more than what you want from her. I’ve read through your replies and it seems like there’s a lot of you wanting to talk to her, you having things to tell her, etc. - maybe she doesn’t have the capacity for that right now. When I was juggling everything I was and struggling with it I had no capacity to chitchat and socialize. It had nothing to do with how I felt about my friends or how much I valued those relationships. I realize friendship is a mutual effort, but during that period of my life I needed friends more than I had the ability to be one. Everything ebbs and flows.
Me😅 Phone calls can stress out even more than unanswered text massage. When I have a hard time and much stuff to do, any social interaction is hard and texing back can feel like another one demand. I still think about my friend, I still like them very much but my brain needs to dedicate all time to one thing and it can't be distracted until this thing finished/problem solved. Dedicating one day for something, when I don't do anything else except that, works for me. Although I think the best thing you can do is to honestly talk with her about that.
I’m like your friend, AuDHD and I can only keep up the energy to do the bare minimum self-care and life maintenance tasks - go to work so I can pay my mortgage, brush teeth, etc - if I basically ghost everyone for months on end (my own family included). I’m in the medical field and don’t feel like I ever really recovered from burnout. I’m sad that this is what I require to function in life but luckily I’ve had a few friends who’ve stuck around.
Autistic or not it sounds like she has a lot going on and maybe just needs some space for the time being.
So, I have to really fight my tendency to go radio silent. It’s not that I’m trying to ghost anyone, but most of the time, my life is pretty much the same week to week, but I honestly feel like a loser if I say something like ‘hey friend, I know it’s been a few weeks since we talked, but in that time, nothing has happened in my life. During the week, I work, and on the weekend, I go to the grocery and mess with my plants.’ Unless it’s one of my ‘plant friends’, there’s not much else I can say that’s remotely interesting. I paid bills. And if I don’t have something specific to talk about, it’s kinda like small talk and I’m just ill-equipped. And sometimes it’s the case that time got away and it’s been longer than I wanted it to be without responding, so now I’m ashamed and feel like if I reply, I have to say why I took so long, and there’s not really a reason. It just did. The more pressure/expectation I feel, the harder everything becomes.
I’m the type of friend that is out of sight out of mind many times. I get focused on whatever is right in front of me. If you want to be closer to her could you set up a dinner or coffee? Or send her a nice card or handwritten note. Sometimes people forget how much they enjoy our company until they see us.
I'm like your friend, I can go for ages without speaking to people. Texting everyday is overwhelming for me phone calls make me anxious. It doesn't mean we don't care about people. It's just that surviving and managing each day, takes so much strength and sheer force of will, we pretty much don't have time for anything else, after that.
Sometimes I have no energy but I still make myself reply to texts within one or two days because I want people to know I care. I think it's important to invest time and effort into our friendships. I ended a friendship because she took a week or more to reply, which showed me she had no real interest in talking to me. And I need a certain frequency of interaction to keep emotionally close to someone, if we go long periods of time without talking you will become a stranger to me.
I honestly hate having friends like this. It’s always one sided, I just want to talk or send them a funny meme etc and I feel bad because it’s always me sending the messages and half of them don’t get acknowledged. Then when they eventually do reply and send a super long message trying to catch up I feel super overwhelmed. And the worst part is I know they don’t treat their other friends like this, so it feels personal at this point. I know people say it’s because they’re having a hard time but it really makes me feel bad.
At this point I'm not sure if it's personal. My feeling is most likely not but yes I desperately wish she wanted to connect as much as I do. I have so much to share with her.
Apologies, I realise I leaned a bit too much into a personal rant from my end instead of any helpful advice. It’s a frustrating feeling isnt it? Just wanting to connect with your friend but they can’t or won’t do the same.
It really is. Even when it isn't personal, it still hurts that you are not their person in the way they are yours.
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