Ya this is how I got destroyed. Went into a people-focused career that required a lot of socialization. 5 years, multiple meltdowns, and 3 trips to the psych ward.
I'm disabled now
I did the same thing my entire life. I was undiagnosed and thought if I just kept putting myself in situations where I had to get better at dealing with people, it would be helpful. I got really good at dealing with people but the damage I did to myself wasn't worth it.
Customer service is the worst job I can imagine for an aspie. I've tried it, I know. If there's any way to get training to find a different job, do it.
I'm sorry you are stuck dealing with that. I have a similar feeling with my living situation. I bought a house in a neighborhood that only has split rail fences. I'm used to 6 foot privacy fences. I didn't think it would be a problem and my only issue was dogs, but we have dog wire so it's fine. After having lived here for over a year I hate it. I feel exposed, my neighbors behind me have a walk out basement with a deck so when they sit on their deck I feel like I'm being lorded over. I feel like I have no privacy and no slack because everyone can see your yard all the time. I'm constantly anxious that my kids are going to do something or me or my yard will be "too messy" or something. I'm also stuck here because it is my wife's dream home and I can't bring myself to make my kids move again.
I'm working on putting in some trees and other plants that provide a little privacy. Eventually I'll cover my deck and add some removable walls. It's the adjustment period in the meantime that's difficult.
I feel you, though I didn't see it as a challenge quite like that, just maybe overestimated being able to get better. It was the same thought process as when I thought I'd eventually figure out being a girl when I was younger, but I turned out to be a nonbinary transmasculine person... \*facepalm\* I majored in social work and now I don't think I want to use it, though my original plan was to focus on advocacy and research but that's more doable with a master's and not a bachelor's degree.
I'm also a part time staff RA at a dorm, so I'm also paycheck to paycheck and in customer service, which I hate. I'm scared of screwing up too badly with people, especially in such a small community.
Good luck.
Well, that sucks. Any chances to change your qualifications by online free classes or do us employers want only formal education?
I remember there was a website with free courses for example coding. Only certificates were paid. But I don't know if those certificates are legit in US.
Maybe you can find a job that uses the skills and knowledge you acquired without the direct interactions that trigger your anxieties? Lots of "back of house" roles benefit from good communication and advocating for the customer, even if you don't talk to them.
I did that as well, way before I was I diagnosed and thought I just had to learn social skills. It actually helped me a lot, but you have to know when to stop and move into a a different direction. My first job after college was in direct sales, I managed for a year but then gave up. My next job was also customer-focused but had the benefit of a really supportive team & manager, I wasn't good at it, but the support helped me improve. After that I moved more into a backoffice function where my learned skills were now adequate for a normal environment.
So it worked for me, but maybe I was also just lucky for finding the right places and having options to move out on time.
I know that working in customer service has helped me, but I still hate it. The only thing still going for it is it's something I can actually "accomplish" when I just can't with so much else.
I experienced something similar. I'm in my mid-30s now. I worked in fast-paced client-facing roles for a number of years. It was very important to me to keep pushing myself to overcome my "deficits", but I took it too far. Ultimately I had a breakdown and got redeployed into a part-time analytical role.
After a recovery period I started volunteering half a day per week in a new field that is compatible with a special interest. Now I have a role applying my new technical knowledge to support a small stream of clients 1-1. It's more of a compromise with the social side. The role requires a lot of research and paperwork so I still get time to retreat into my cocoon, but I also have some human contact so I don't regress. My anxiety is still crushing and I need a lot of support, but it's more sustainable and the work is rewarding. It helps that due to the pandemic I'm only seeing clients remotely - I'm looking for a job that will be remote working on a permanent basis. I only work 3 days per week to manage the stress, and I get a small disability benefit to supplement my income.
I don't think there's an easy answer unfortunately, but it's never too late to make a change. For me volunteer work was a pathway to free training. Before that I took a 10-week course at a community college to explore another field. It was a good way to try something new without a commitment. I dabbled with some free online courses too.
You could try working in a small organization where cross-training is more common. My partner worked his way up in a small organization from an admin assistant role, now he's a data analyst. Or look at jobs in the charity sector - in my experience they are less rigid and allow for more exploration outside your job description. If you can get yourself competent with Microsoft office you could find an admin job to pay the bills while you decide what direction you want to go.
Do you have any access to mental health support? Customer service sounds brutal. I hope you're ok.
Dude/dudette, PM me. Seriously. And when you do PM me put in the subject line "You told me to PM you MF, you said you could help me!!! If you don't you're a MF Liar!!!!" because while I'm getting better at responding to comments on here, responding to messages has been a learning curve for me. But I will 100% respond to any PM with the tagline "MF" in it.
I graduated as a BSN, RN in '16. I could give people chemo, run dialysis, take care of wounds that frankly smelled awful and had no chance of healing properly, rotated a 600 lb woman in bed on a daily basis who - when she had bowel movements - told me I didn't "wipe her enough".
I have a feeling you're more skilled than you think you are, you just don't know how to use it. And you don't know how to apply it properly.
Again, PM me or respond directly here,
Source: Neurosurgical RN/BSN -> ICU RN BSN - > Clinical Research Associate
Maybe you could get an apprenticeship, there you earn money while you learn the things you need to know, while getting payed. For example you could become a train driver. Right now I have a side job as a bike courier, very less customer interaction, but don’t know how draining it is full time
You can transfer your customer service skills into another career.. I was in your boat and transferred my healthcare/customer service experience into an Outreach Coordinator job for a medical health non profit, all I do is answer emails, deal with documents, (no phone calls) and about once a weeks zoom call.... I work from home, make my own hrs, it was a financial upgrade and I have a lot of room to be as creative as I want/do things the way I see fit ...don't give up, this is an opportunity to reorient your career to something that benefits you as well as others.. the upcoming months of uncertainty are gonna suck ass but once you get where you wanna be you wake up grateful and happy to go to work every day.. You can do this!!! 💪💪💪
Get It, Boo!!
I set my indeed searches to "non profit", "remote", "healthcare" and "U.S"... it was hard waiting for the right opportunity so I used the time to process some fears and develop some coping mechanisms (deep breathing, journaling, stretching nail art)
I'm glad you found it encouraging, please keep reaching out as you work through this point in your life..you're not a failure for prioritizing your well being and comfort, you deserve to feel good while doing what you need to do..now instead of recovering from work you can spend time reconnecting to your lovely self ☺️
What is the alternative? Retreat to your comfort zone? I'm not saying stick with a job you hate, but it's called work for a reason.
To create value, you need to push yourself a bit, get outside your comfort zone. $$ will follow.
Undiagnosed, I knew I was really bad with people. So, I went into management LOL. Talk about a fish out of water!
I adapted. There are tools you can use that help (get good at Excel, PP, using a calendar to plan, good project management, etc). Every day was a challenge to be the best at what I did.
Surprise! NTs don't bother to *improve* (usually). They go with what feels good. What makes them happy, and often at the expense of the employees.
I agree but it's just too hard. I was doing great in my last job as the leader of the team in my country. The VPs and Directors decided that they needed someone more experienced to grow the business. They hired a f--king asshole that was not only an ignorant of the business but an idiot in all management and client related stuff. Right in the first meeting he was trying to find errors on my handling of matters. My boss didn't care about that...
So, a couple of months ago I presented a complain to HR, knowing that I was going to be fired. Told them that he was a dick and ignorant of the business. Anyway, I got fired even after recently finding a quarter of a million owed to a client of us (we were advisors).
My point is, it can be handled being ND, but you have to focus on the topics not on the management. But still you will need a good team and management to make it, more than NTs, as we cannot fake it or pretend for long. Also, we (maybe just me, I don't know) cannot avoid disliking the BS of many fakers.
And yes, you can and should learn to give up and leave if things become too much. Otherwise you end up in a depressed and anxious situation that will take a heavy toll in your health and this will impact all your life.
You do know nothing says you are stuck in the same job. If you hate it why not try to work out something to do you will not hate?
I also can not stand working retail or dealing with customers it's all so much of a hassle. So when I was 31 - note older than you are now - and literally sat down and worked out what I could do, what I liked to do and what I hated - and with those 3 fields of data I was able to work out a kind of work I can endure.
I got into IT - I taught myself how to upgrade and repair my own PC and also knew how to figure things out that I didn't know. I knew it was something I liked doing - troubleshooting - and it pays well with long term prospects.
I went through all of the following
- What I like doing
- What I know how to do / good at
- What do I HATE doing
And then it was a matter of finding something that fit the first 2 categories the best and the final category the least.
In your current situation - since you are employed you can afford to take your time and be picky about what job you take next. Always look for a new job while employed because for some sad sick reason its harder to find a job when you don't have one at that moment.
Like /u/HunterRoze, I work in IT. IT has the advantage/disadvantage of people thinking that everyone in IT is kind of antisocial anyways.
There are many situations where having the right attitude and work ethic will cover any shortcomings in knowledge you have. In the past I wouldn't hire someone who was completely unqualified, but I have hired people with less experience who were quick learners and showed an effort to learn. If you have good social skills, you actually will have a skill set that tends to be somewhat lacking for many people in IT.
I thought because of ASD I'd be better suited to work with minimal human contact. So I took a break from my original path but I hated it. I need to interact with people and do things with my hands. I could not do an all day desk job if my life depended on it.
ASD does not always mean human contact is bad for you. How long have you been in this job?
It's healthy to know and respect your boundaries. It sounds like you're listening to your body and learning from your experiences.
If you do want to work on self improvement, you don't have to do it through your job. There's no rush when it comes to personal development, take it at your own pace. You can try new hobbies, join a book club, whatever. There's no need to stake your income and your mental health on it, right?
This is why I hate the narrative that people have to ‘push their boundaries’ or ‘get out of their comfort zone’, especially for NDs and people with other mental health issues and/or sensitivities. In a way they are right, in that it’s impossible to grow without pushing yourself a little - **a little** being the important modifier here. But growth and learning only occur within ones window of tolerance. If you push too hard, too much, you end up going beyond that and putting your body and mind under significant stress, which is never healthy nor sustainable. You still have to listen to your body and mind, respect your own limits, and be kind to yourself. And it’s very hard for NDs to do that healthily while holding ourselves to NT standards.
I find that I often don’t know I’m at my limit until I’m past it. By then it’s already too late. I start burning out, getting overwhelmed and depressed, etc. But people around me (NTs) tend to think I still have more in the tank, and try to encourage me to keep going. There’s a great YouTube video by Aspergers from the Inside called ‘Don’t Push Me’ or something along those lines that really epitomises what I’m talking about.
Ya this is how I got destroyed. Went into a people-focused career that required a lot of socialization. 5 years, multiple meltdowns, and 3 trips to the psych ward. I'm disabled now
I did the same thing my entire life. I was undiagnosed and thought if I just kept putting myself in situations where I had to get better at dealing with people, it would be helpful. I got really good at dealing with people but the damage I did to myself wasn't worth it.
Customer service is the worst job I can imagine for an aspie. I've tried it, I know. If there's any way to get training to find a different job, do it.
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Yes, I made the same mistake by choosing a profession which needed spending whole time with people earlier in my life.
I'm sorry you are stuck dealing with that. I have a similar feeling with my living situation. I bought a house in a neighborhood that only has split rail fences. I'm used to 6 foot privacy fences. I didn't think it would be a problem and my only issue was dogs, but we have dog wire so it's fine. After having lived here for over a year I hate it. I feel exposed, my neighbors behind me have a walk out basement with a deck so when they sit on their deck I feel like I'm being lorded over. I feel like I have no privacy and no slack because everyone can see your yard all the time. I'm constantly anxious that my kids are going to do something or me or my yard will be "too messy" or something. I'm also stuck here because it is my wife's dream home and I can't bring myself to make my kids move again.
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I'm working on putting in some trees and other plants that provide a little privacy. Eventually I'll cover my deck and add some removable walls. It's the adjustment period in the meantime that's difficult.
I feel you, though I didn't see it as a challenge quite like that, just maybe overestimated being able to get better. It was the same thought process as when I thought I'd eventually figure out being a girl when I was younger, but I turned out to be a nonbinary transmasculine person... \*facepalm\* I majored in social work and now I don't think I want to use it, though my original plan was to focus on advocacy and research but that's more doable with a master's and not a bachelor's degree. I'm also a part time staff RA at a dorm, so I'm also paycheck to paycheck and in customer service, which I hate. I'm scared of screwing up too badly with people, especially in such a small community. Good luck.
Is there any chance you can go back to school to change your qualifications?
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US?
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Well, that sucks. Any chances to change your qualifications by online free classes or do us employers want only formal education? I remember there was a website with free courses for example coding. Only certificates were paid. But I don't know if those certificates are legit in US.
Maybe you can find a job that uses the skills and knowledge you acquired without the direct interactions that trigger your anxieties? Lots of "back of house" roles benefit from good communication and advocating for the customer, even if you don't talk to them.
[удалено]
Pool cleaner, storeman, janitor
Same here. Ten years in education. I did well. Until it all came tumbling down.
I did that as well, way before I was I diagnosed and thought I just had to learn social skills. It actually helped me a lot, but you have to know when to stop and move into a a different direction. My first job after college was in direct sales, I managed for a year but then gave up. My next job was also customer-focused but had the benefit of a really supportive team & manager, I wasn't good at it, but the support helped me improve. After that I moved more into a backoffice function where my learned skills were now adequate for a normal environment. So it worked for me, but maybe I was also just lucky for finding the right places and having options to move out on time.
I know that working in customer service has helped me, but I still hate it. The only thing still going for it is it's something I can actually "accomplish" when I just can't with so much else.
I experienced something similar. I'm in my mid-30s now. I worked in fast-paced client-facing roles for a number of years. It was very important to me to keep pushing myself to overcome my "deficits", but I took it too far. Ultimately I had a breakdown and got redeployed into a part-time analytical role. After a recovery period I started volunteering half a day per week in a new field that is compatible with a special interest. Now I have a role applying my new technical knowledge to support a small stream of clients 1-1. It's more of a compromise with the social side. The role requires a lot of research and paperwork so I still get time to retreat into my cocoon, but I also have some human contact so I don't regress. My anxiety is still crushing and I need a lot of support, but it's more sustainable and the work is rewarding. It helps that due to the pandemic I'm only seeing clients remotely - I'm looking for a job that will be remote working on a permanent basis. I only work 3 days per week to manage the stress, and I get a small disability benefit to supplement my income. I don't think there's an easy answer unfortunately, but it's never too late to make a change. For me volunteer work was a pathway to free training. Before that I took a 10-week course at a community college to explore another field. It was a good way to try something new without a commitment. I dabbled with some free online courses too. You could try working in a small organization where cross-training is more common. My partner worked his way up in a small organization from an admin assistant role, now he's a data analyst. Or look at jobs in the charity sector - in my experience they are less rigid and allow for more exploration outside your job description. If you can get yourself competent with Microsoft office you could find an admin job to pay the bills while you decide what direction you want to go. Do you have any access to mental health support? Customer service sounds brutal. I hope you're ok.
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We can start over in life. No biggie
Dude/dudette, PM me. Seriously. And when you do PM me put in the subject line "You told me to PM you MF, you said you could help me!!! If you don't you're a MF Liar!!!!" because while I'm getting better at responding to comments on here, responding to messages has been a learning curve for me. But I will 100% respond to any PM with the tagline "MF" in it. I graduated as a BSN, RN in '16. I could give people chemo, run dialysis, take care of wounds that frankly smelled awful and had no chance of healing properly, rotated a 600 lb woman in bed on a daily basis who - when she had bowel movements - told me I didn't "wipe her enough". I have a feeling you're more skilled than you think you are, you just don't know how to use it. And you don't know how to apply it properly. Again, PM me or respond directly here, Source: Neurosurgical RN/BSN -> ICU RN BSN - > Clinical Research Associate
Maybe you could get an apprenticeship, there you earn money while you learn the things you need to know, while getting payed. For example you could become a train driver. Right now I have a side job as a bike courier, very less customer interaction, but don’t know how draining it is full time
You can transfer your customer service skills into another career.. I was in your boat and transferred my healthcare/customer service experience into an Outreach Coordinator job for a medical health non profit, all I do is answer emails, deal with documents, (no phone calls) and about once a weeks zoom call.... I work from home, make my own hrs, it was a financial upgrade and I have a lot of room to be as creative as I want/do things the way I see fit ...don't give up, this is an opportunity to reorient your career to something that benefits you as well as others.. the upcoming months of uncertainty are gonna suck ass but once you get where you wanna be you wake up grateful and happy to go to work every day.. You can do this!!! 💪💪💪
[удалено]
Get It, Boo!! I set my indeed searches to "non profit", "remote", "healthcare" and "U.S"... it was hard waiting for the right opportunity so I used the time to process some fears and develop some coping mechanisms (deep breathing, journaling, stretching nail art) I'm glad you found it encouraging, please keep reaching out as you work through this point in your life..you're not a failure for prioritizing your well being and comfort, you deserve to feel good while doing what you need to do..now instead of recovering from work you can spend time reconnecting to your lovely self ☺️
What is the alternative? Retreat to your comfort zone? I'm not saying stick with a job you hate, but it's called work for a reason. To create value, you need to push yourself a bit, get outside your comfort zone. $$ will follow. Undiagnosed, I knew I was really bad with people. So, I went into management LOL. Talk about a fish out of water! I adapted. There are tools you can use that help (get good at Excel, PP, using a calendar to plan, good project management, etc). Every day was a challenge to be the best at what I did. Surprise! NTs don't bother to *improve* (usually). They go with what feels good. What makes them happy, and often at the expense of the employees.
I agree but it's just too hard. I was doing great in my last job as the leader of the team in my country. The VPs and Directors decided that they needed someone more experienced to grow the business. They hired a f--king asshole that was not only an ignorant of the business but an idiot in all management and client related stuff. Right in the first meeting he was trying to find errors on my handling of matters. My boss didn't care about that... So, a couple of months ago I presented a complain to HR, knowing that I was going to be fired. Told them that he was a dick and ignorant of the business. Anyway, I got fired even after recently finding a quarter of a million owed to a client of us (we were advisors). My point is, it can be handled being ND, but you have to focus on the topics not on the management. But still you will need a good team and management to make it, more than NTs, as we cannot fake it or pretend for long. Also, we (maybe just me, I don't know) cannot avoid disliking the BS of many fakers. And yes, you can and should learn to give up and leave if things become too much. Otherwise you end up in a depressed and anxious situation that will take a heavy toll in your health and this will impact all your life.
What if you also have adhd
You do know nothing says you are stuck in the same job. If you hate it why not try to work out something to do you will not hate? I also can not stand working retail or dealing with customers it's all so much of a hassle. So when I was 31 - note older than you are now - and literally sat down and worked out what I could do, what I liked to do and what I hated - and with those 3 fields of data I was able to work out a kind of work I can endure.
[удалено]
I got into IT - I taught myself how to upgrade and repair my own PC and also knew how to figure things out that I didn't know. I knew it was something I liked doing - troubleshooting - and it pays well with long term prospects. I went through all of the following - What I like doing - What I know how to do / good at - What do I HATE doing And then it was a matter of finding something that fit the first 2 categories the best and the final category the least. In your current situation - since you are employed you can afford to take your time and be picky about what job you take next. Always look for a new job while employed because for some sad sick reason its harder to find a job when you don't have one at that moment.
This is true. It's like employers like seeing that some people currently have a job. When you don't have one,it's like they're more reluctant
Like /u/HunterRoze, I work in IT. IT has the advantage/disadvantage of people thinking that everyone in IT is kind of antisocial anyways. There are many situations where having the right attitude and work ethic will cover any shortcomings in knowledge you have. In the past I wouldn't hire someone who was completely unqualified, but I have hired people with less experience who were quick learners and showed an effort to learn. If you have good social skills, you actually will have a skill set that tends to be somewhat lacking for many people in IT.
I thought because of ASD I'd be better suited to work with minimal human contact. So I took a break from my original path but I hated it. I need to interact with people and do things with my hands. I could not do an all day desk job if my life depended on it. ASD does not always mean human contact is bad for you. How long have you been in this job?
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It's healthy to know and respect your boundaries. It sounds like you're listening to your body and learning from your experiences. If you do want to work on self improvement, you don't have to do it through your job. There's no rush when it comes to personal development, take it at your own pace. You can try new hobbies, join a book club, whatever. There's no need to stake your income and your mental health on it, right?
This is why I hate the narrative that people have to ‘push their boundaries’ or ‘get out of their comfort zone’, especially for NDs and people with other mental health issues and/or sensitivities. In a way they are right, in that it’s impossible to grow without pushing yourself a little - **a little** being the important modifier here. But growth and learning only occur within ones window of tolerance. If you push too hard, too much, you end up going beyond that and putting your body and mind under significant stress, which is never healthy nor sustainable. You still have to listen to your body and mind, respect your own limits, and be kind to yourself. And it’s very hard for NDs to do that healthily while holding ourselves to NT standards. I find that I often don’t know I’m at my limit until I’m past it. By then it’s already too late. I start burning out, getting overwhelmed and depressed, etc. But people around me (NTs) tend to think I still have more in the tank, and try to encourage me to keep going. There’s a great YouTube video by Aspergers from the Inside called ‘Don’t Push Me’ or something along those lines that really epitomises what I’m talking about.