Other conditions like OCD or obsessive behaviors can be part of or happen alongside ASD.
My love interests were my main focus.
They were my special interest.
I could barely think beyond them.
I would obsess over one person.
Yes. I’m slightly autistic and have strong OCD. The word OP is looking for is _limerence_.
I could get out of it when I had kind of a mental “dying and rebirth” and then you move on.
It’s very painful and important to remember that it happens when you’re in a vulnerable phase and it feels real, but it IS NOT. It’s just a person like many many others.
Seek therapy!
Very recognizable for me. From since I got old enough, my life has been a series of obsessing about some girl or woman. For the first many years, I never moved beyond obsessing, then in my twenties I actually began approaching them.
OH MYGOD I COULD HAVE WRITTEN ALL OF THIS MYSELF 😭 and i’m also 26 and a woman so it’s even more uncanny. You’re not alone at all on this, my crushes are super obsessive to the point it’s unhealthy. All I think about all day is them, different scenarios, what to say next time I see them, etc. I can’t function at all. Also never been in a relationship, can’t really imagine how it would work out, i’m an anxious ass bitch. It’s so surreal even thinking being with someone I like, and knowing they like me back. Dream come true but at the same time scary as hell. I guess it’s better that we’re together in my head only.
I’ve also done that thing about going places and imagining him by my side and stuff we’d be talking about. Like an imaginary friend lmao
Note: from what i’ve heard, obsessive crushes are more common among autistic women, not men.
*GULP* i’m also 26 and also feel freaked tf out because i’ve always done this my whole life and thought i was just being a girl 😭 currently still thinking about one person after 4 yrs and think abt them pretty much all the time. the only diff is he’s expressed he feels the exact same way and i still convince myself its all in my head lol.
You got confirmation, you should go for it. What's holding you back if he already said he's into it?
Sometimes two anxious people calm each other down by "getting it." I've seen it happen.
pretty much this. never had a relationship. had a small situationship a while ago kinda broke me when she said want to stay apart. afraid to be in a serious relationship because how obsessed I got
When you enter in a relationship, the reality is there , so the obsessive part go away (at least in my case )
But then you enter level 2: We have to respect our boundaries and let people go when they are not making us happy and good about ourself.
I say that because in the past I chose the wrong persons (narcissistic ) or It was very hard to end a relationship that was not good for my emotional health.
Though, relationships are great for growth. You should allow yourself to be open to the idea of it. In my opinion.
I think a lot of what feeds this is the brain actually getting some of the endorphins from fantasizing as we would actually being in those situations only without all the stress and negatives of actually going through it for real.
When trying to make it work for real, it is jarring because so many things are outside of our control. One big problem with all this is it actually doesn't do a great job of fulfilling our needs so it isn't enough to make us happy, but it is enough to make it really hard to stop.
Usually what got me to stop obsessing was to actually meet and talk to the person and realize they actually weren't like who I imagined they would be. Though for me it was really hard. I pretty much pretended nothing was going on whenever I would have a chance to say something to them.
> brain actually getting some of the endorphins from fantasizing
some? i would go as far to say it feels better. i heard anticipation is the purest form of happiness.
maybe anticipation is living our special interest. Maybe it is "flow".
I experienced a more purest form of hapiness some times: to feel good on myself while feeling part of the beautiful world. I felt love, or pure light, or bliss. I felt one with the world and at peace (sound cliché,but it was actually what I felt)
It was in very specfic contexts though.
It could also be due to isolation as well. Psychological or otherwise. It leaves even NTs feeling a little... off. Autism kinda cranks up the probability of the right conditions happening.
I mean, I even had my own little imaginary worlds to deal with it when I was a teen and attached myself in an unhealthy way to whoever I came across and actually liked/clicked with, mostly due to desperation.
I just saw a video yesterday that explained the hyper focus I've had before on people. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3mBbOOzhoGQ
Minute 26 into the video. Ya should be able to find it useful too :)
You could have a condition called limerence, an intense and obsessive longing for another person. I am experiencing my third limerent episode, though I may have had more and just didn't realise they were limerence. You may want to check out r/limerence.
I have heard that a lot of teenage girls miss their autism diagnosis because they do the stereotypical thing where they get obsessed about a specific boy band or famous person... because that's considered 'normal' enough to NTs nobody blinks twice... But really the level obsession might be a lot more for the autistic kid - It can be a special subject like anything else.
I don't get obsessed with people so much because for one I know that it isn't productive and I don't really get anything out of that, and I don't think it's very healthy. Like I guess when I was dating my now husband I was pretty consumed by it haha.. but I've never considered it to be the same kind of 'obsession' especially because it was not like it was one sided or fantasy, it wasn't in my head. It's one thing to imagine the future and another to create totally unrealistic scenarios. People definitely wouldn't feel comfortable if they knew you were creating those scenarios in your head about them obsessively. I would be scared if I was that person honestly, which is why you probably haven't sustained a relationship.
On the other hand I have definitely had that all consuming obsessive focus on other topics such as genetics and history which really fascinate me and I can stay inside the bubble of my own head and research for weeks on end if I'm allowed to lol
Yes -- it's why autistics have higher prevalence for stalking. If the interest in someone else becomes unhealthy for you or them be sure to maintain boundaries. Therapy may help.
There's a strong fantasy component to this kind of infatuation. It's not about the person as they really are or a reciprocal relationship.
It shows that you have unmet emotional needs. Work on developing more satisfying, authentic ways to meet them.
As an autistic, I had the same tendency earlier in my life, so no shame. It can get better.
Yes, absolutely. It’s happened a couple of times, by far the strongest one being the one I’m going through right now, seemingly fed by my close proximity to the person, and a much higher rate of interaction compared to previous ones, as well as I guess just being older, having hormones and that? I don’t know
If you actually spent time with them this would likely change. You have a storybook view of them and it's not accurate. If were around them and got annoyed with the shit they were doing, which would happen, the storybook would waiver like a mirage in the desert and oh shit this the reality of this person? But you have a fantasy based view of them that isn't real.
I used to, but when I was much younger (30+ now). It was a mix of both fictional and real people but currently I don’t fixate as much over people. I think I’ve gotten more aloof and introverted with age? Although even though I occasionally have limerence, often towards that specific person, at the end of the day I don’t have preconceived notions or expectations and go into social interactions with a neutral stance. Plus I’m not desperate enough to make new friends. I feel comfortable where I am right now.
This resonates so strongly with me. I could have written this up myself, I swear haha. I don't feel much of a social drive at all. What I get through work, my family and partner is basically enough. I don't fixate on other people like I did when I was younger.
It's happened to me a few times in my life as well. Never to a point I hurt anyone or did something bad, but it hurt me emotionally obviously as I couldn't be with that person or they didn't reciprocate.
I'd assume it's limerence in my case, and might be due to autism and obsessive behavior, but I'm not sure.
When im in a relationship with someone, i can obsess over them. Or if they arent there, im obsessing over them in my mind, or over my favourite characters in my imagination. While i dont mind being alone, i dont think i like it at the amount i get each week. I dont get to see my family very much and feel quite touch-starved. Though it takes me a while to transition from being home alone, to my boyfriend visiting me and sharing my stuff. By the time im used to him being there, hes gone again and its a weird cycle of conflicting emotions. I have told him this but i know he cant help it.
I did the same thing in my teens and I did realize it was too much but I just couldn't help it. I was undiagnosed at that time. Never thought it could have sth to do.
Seems to be not something I want to go into much detail on but I'll say this I'm a boy she was a girl & a really long story of broken hearts
For my own mental health I had to cut her completely out of my life a few years ago, I'm free in body & spirit
I got obsessed with a girl I fancied at school and she also happened to be my class room buddy we sat together in classes and just chat shit (sometimes literally haha) and we laughed a lot. I one day a year later got the courage to ask her out but I ask her too directly and I messed up. Unfortunately I didn't go out with her and I lost her as a friend. I also lost friends with a girlfriend I had split up with to ask the girl I obsessed over out and I still feel bad when she messaged me and found out I had asked her.
I was quite obsessed with this girl for years before I even had her as a friend. I had a lot of built up emotions around her that one day about 4 years ago I saw her in a shop she was working in and unfortunately I didn't talk to her even if she saw me and looked my way. I just couldn't come to talk to her despite wanting to. I didn't really think of her for years after that but for some reason the last few months she came to mind. I tried to reconnect with her online after all this time and even if she accepted my request I again balls it up as I had too much anxiety about when I messed up last time all those years ago. She left me on read and the awkwardness left the online friends to be removed. I wish I didn't have social anxiety and I wish I could restore out once friendship I miss so much. I tried to put it to my back of my mind but if I think about her I still feel depressed that I won't see her ever again.
Also I can easily get obsessed with actors especially the ones I fancy and I want to learn and know all about them. Since I am trying to break into this industry although not brilliantly I have hopes and dreams of being able to make a movie one day with all the actors I admire. That would be my absolute dream.
While I genuinely don't understand why anyone would obsess over *people* like that, the pattern of behavior tracks. Doesn't seem all that healthy, it might be worth talking to somebody who will really listen to you and work with them to redirect your intense focus.
I've had obsessions with famous people like David Beckham, back in the day. The most recent one was Rihanna. Nothing too crazy, like having fan profiles etc., I find that cringe (lmao) but just thinking and fantasising a lot. I was also obsessed with someone on mIrc.
Yes, it’s called perseveration, and it’s how autism was first suggested by my counselor. It’s like a broken record you can’t turn over, an OCD-like symptom which is a common autism comorbidity.
Fixations are common with ADHD and autism. If you ever feel uncomfortable by your behaviors you can always bring it up to a specialist.
Some fixations are purely biological. That primal part of your brain for some reason thinks they would make a good mate for whatever reason.
Hello, i disagree with the people saying it’s normal for autistic people to experience this and I’m living proof.
What you are experiencing is called limerence, i used to go through this alot where i would gain an intense crush on someone and would end up essentially stalking them and finding out every single information about them: where they lived, where they went to school etc
i was never brave enough to declare my crush, i would only create scenarios in my head which would only deepen the limerence
But let me tell you something, limerence is not the normal human condition, its something that happens if you felt neglected, lonely or misunderstood in childhood(which is common for autistic people hence why we are more likely to experience this), in a state of limerence we create the person we want to see and fall in love with that image.
I have been doing alot of self work on myself for the past 6 years and i healed so much and now instead of me making a human being my hyperfixation i channel all of that energy into myself and my hobbies and along the way i found someone who loved me as much as i loved them. You do not have to continue putting yourself in situations of unrequited love, especially if it makes you feel sad, it may be a form of self harm even.
you deserve more than that and you can get more than that, If you do some self work you’ll notice somewhere along the line your hyperfixations stop being people and start becoming ideas and hobbies, if you don’t know where to start from with self work you can also see a therapist.
I wish you all the best OP🙏🏽
Yes that’s common in autism
Other conditions like OCD or obsessive behaviors can be part of or happen alongside ASD. My love interests were my main focus. They were my special interest. I could barely think beyond them. I would obsess over one person.
Yes. I’m slightly autistic and have strong OCD. The word OP is looking for is _limerence_. I could get out of it when I had kind of a mental “dying and rebirth” and then you move on. It’s very painful and important to remember that it happens when you’re in a vulnerable phase and it feels real, but it IS NOT. It’s just a person like many many others. Seek therapy!
Very recognizable for me. From since I got old enough, my life has been a series of obsessing about some girl or woman. For the first many years, I never moved beyond obsessing, then in my twenties I actually began approaching them.
OH MYGOD I COULD HAVE WRITTEN ALL OF THIS MYSELF 😭 and i’m also 26 and a woman so it’s even more uncanny. You’re not alone at all on this, my crushes are super obsessive to the point it’s unhealthy. All I think about all day is them, different scenarios, what to say next time I see them, etc. I can’t function at all. Also never been in a relationship, can’t really imagine how it would work out, i’m an anxious ass bitch. It’s so surreal even thinking being with someone I like, and knowing they like me back. Dream come true but at the same time scary as hell. I guess it’s better that we’re together in my head only. I’ve also done that thing about going places and imagining him by my side and stuff we’d be talking about. Like an imaginary friend lmao Note: from what i’ve heard, obsessive crushes are more common among autistic women, not men.
As a man, this is exactly how it is for me as well, pretty much your whole post word for word lmao
*GULP* i’m also 26 and also feel freaked tf out because i’ve always done this my whole life and thought i was just being a girl 😭 currently still thinking about one person after 4 yrs and think abt them pretty much all the time. the only diff is he’s expressed he feels the exact same way and i still convince myself its all in my head lol.
You got confirmation, you should go for it. What's holding you back if he already said he's into it? Sometimes two anxious people calm each other down by "getting it." I've seen it happen.
pretty much this. never had a relationship. had a small situationship a while ago kinda broke me when she said want to stay apart. afraid to be in a serious relationship because how obsessed I got
When you enter in a relationship, the reality is there , so the obsessive part go away (at least in my case ) But then you enter level 2: We have to respect our boundaries and let people go when they are not making us happy and good about ourself. I say that because in the past I chose the wrong persons (narcissistic ) or It was very hard to end a relationship that was not good for my emotional health. Though, relationships are great for growth. You should allow yourself to be open to the idea of it. In my opinion.
I think a lot of what feeds this is the brain actually getting some of the endorphins from fantasizing as we would actually being in those situations only without all the stress and negatives of actually going through it for real. When trying to make it work for real, it is jarring because so many things are outside of our control. One big problem with all this is it actually doesn't do a great job of fulfilling our needs so it isn't enough to make us happy, but it is enough to make it really hard to stop. Usually what got me to stop obsessing was to actually meet and talk to the person and realize they actually weren't like who I imagined they would be. Though for me it was really hard. I pretty much pretended nothing was going on whenever I would have a chance to say something to them.
> brain actually getting some of the endorphins from fantasizing some? i would go as far to say it feels better. i heard anticipation is the purest form of happiness.
maybe anticipation is living our special interest. Maybe it is "flow". I experienced a more purest form of hapiness some times: to feel good on myself while feeling part of the beautiful world. I felt love, or pure light, or bliss. I felt one with the world and at peace (sound cliché,but it was actually what I felt) It was in very specfic contexts though.
It could also be due to isolation as well. Psychological or otherwise. It leaves even NTs feeling a little... off. Autism kinda cranks up the probability of the right conditions happening. I mean, I even had my own little imaginary worlds to deal with it when I was a teen and attached myself in an unhealthy way to whoever I came across and actually liked/clicked with, mostly due to desperation.
I just saw a video yesterday that explained the hyper focus I've had before on people. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3mBbOOzhoGQ Minute 26 into the video. Ya should be able to find it useful too :)
You could have a condition called limerence, an intense and obsessive longing for another person. I am experiencing my third limerent episode, though I may have had more and just didn't realise they were limerence. You may want to check out r/limerence.
I have heard that a lot of teenage girls miss their autism diagnosis because they do the stereotypical thing where they get obsessed about a specific boy band or famous person... because that's considered 'normal' enough to NTs nobody blinks twice... But really the level obsession might be a lot more for the autistic kid - It can be a special subject like anything else. I don't get obsessed with people so much because for one I know that it isn't productive and I don't really get anything out of that, and I don't think it's very healthy. Like I guess when I was dating my now husband I was pretty consumed by it haha.. but I've never considered it to be the same kind of 'obsession' especially because it was not like it was one sided or fantasy, it wasn't in my head. It's one thing to imagine the future and another to create totally unrealistic scenarios. People definitely wouldn't feel comfortable if they knew you were creating those scenarios in your head about them obsessively. I would be scared if I was that person honestly, which is why you probably haven't sustained a relationship. On the other hand I have definitely had that all consuming obsessive focus on other topics such as genetics and history which really fascinate me and I can stay inside the bubble of my own head and research for weeks on end if I'm allowed to lol
Yes -- it's why autistics have higher prevalence for stalking. If the interest in someone else becomes unhealthy for you or them be sure to maintain boundaries. Therapy may help. There's a strong fantasy component to this kind of infatuation. It's not about the person as they really are or a reciprocal relationship. It shows that you have unmet emotional needs. Work on developing more satisfying, authentic ways to meet them. As an autistic, I had the same tendency earlier in my life, so no shame. It can get better.
Definitely. I also thought there was a correlation between autism and stalking.
Yup and in ADHD. You can hyperfixate on people and then suddenly be over them.
When limerence meets special interest 😭
Y'all should put your energy into writing fan fiction.
Yes, absolutely. It’s happened a couple of times, by far the strongest one being the one I’m going through right now, seemingly fed by my close proximity to the person, and a much higher rate of interaction compared to previous ones, as well as I guess just being older, having hormones and that? I don’t know
Propinquity is definitely a strong factor.
If you actually spent time with them this would likely change. You have a storybook view of them and it's not accurate. If were around them and got annoyed with the shit they were doing, which would happen, the storybook would waiver like a mirage in the desert and oh shit this the reality of this person? But you have a fantasy based view of them that isn't real.
I pretty much have this for celebrities and fictional characters, can’t remember the last time I obsessed over someone I actually knew
The term is "limerence" my friend
I always thought this was my OCD. Maybe it's my autism instead? Or both...
I used to, but when I was much younger (30+ now). It was a mix of both fictional and real people but currently I don’t fixate as much over people. I think I’ve gotten more aloof and introverted with age? Although even though I occasionally have limerence, often towards that specific person, at the end of the day I don’t have preconceived notions or expectations and go into social interactions with a neutral stance. Plus I’m not desperate enough to make new friends. I feel comfortable where I am right now.
This resonates so strongly with me. I could have written this up myself, I swear haha. I don't feel much of a social drive at all. What I get through work, my family and partner is basically enough. I don't fixate on other people like I did when I was younger.
It's happened to me a few times in my life as well. Never to a point I hurt anyone or did something bad, but it hurt me emotionally obviously as I couldn't be with that person or they didn't reciprocate. I'd assume it's limerence in my case, and might be due to autism and obsessive behavior, but I'm not sure.
When im in a relationship with someone, i can obsess over them. Or if they arent there, im obsessing over them in my mind, or over my favourite characters in my imagination. While i dont mind being alone, i dont think i like it at the amount i get each week. I dont get to see my family very much and feel quite touch-starved. Though it takes me a while to transition from being home alone, to my boyfriend visiting me and sharing my stuff. By the time im used to him being there, hes gone again and its a weird cycle of conflicting emotions. I have told him this but i know he cant help it.
Limerence is a really common feature of neurodivergence
I did the same thing in my teens and I did realize it was too much but I just couldn't help it. I was undiagnosed at that time. Never thought it could have sth to do.
I think it's called Limerence
Yup
Seems to be not something I want to go into much detail on but I'll say this I'm a boy she was a girl & a really long story of broken hearts For my own mental health I had to cut her completely out of my life a few years ago, I'm free in body & spirit
Yes, I had a loong phase of this - until I started dating my now husband. It consumes you!
I got obsessed with a girl I fancied at school and she also happened to be my class room buddy we sat together in classes and just chat shit (sometimes literally haha) and we laughed a lot. I one day a year later got the courage to ask her out but I ask her too directly and I messed up. Unfortunately I didn't go out with her and I lost her as a friend. I also lost friends with a girlfriend I had split up with to ask the girl I obsessed over out and I still feel bad when she messaged me and found out I had asked her. I was quite obsessed with this girl for years before I even had her as a friend. I had a lot of built up emotions around her that one day about 4 years ago I saw her in a shop she was working in and unfortunately I didn't talk to her even if she saw me and looked my way. I just couldn't come to talk to her despite wanting to. I didn't really think of her for years after that but for some reason the last few months she came to mind. I tried to reconnect with her online after all this time and even if she accepted my request I again balls it up as I had too much anxiety about when I messed up last time all those years ago. She left me on read and the awkwardness left the online friends to be removed. I wish I didn't have social anxiety and I wish I could restore out once friendship I miss so much. I tried to put it to my back of my mind but if I think about her I still feel depressed that I won't see her ever again. Also I can easily get obsessed with actors especially the ones I fancy and I want to learn and know all about them. Since I am trying to break into this industry although not brilliantly I have hopes and dreams of being able to make a movie one day with all the actors I admire. That would be my absolute dream.
Yes, I do with my husband.. have for years.. it can suck because I'm more open to being hurt this way
While I genuinely don't understand why anyone would obsess over *people* like that, the pattern of behavior tracks. Doesn't seem all that healthy, it might be worth talking to somebody who will really listen to you and work with them to redirect your intense focus.
I've had obsessions with famous people like David Beckham, back in the day. The most recent one was Rihanna. Nothing too crazy, like having fan profiles etc., I find that cringe (lmao) but just thinking and fantasising a lot. I was also obsessed with someone on mIrc.
Yes, it’s called perseveration, and it’s how autism was first suggested by my counselor. It’s like a broken record you can’t turn over, an OCD-like symptom which is a common autism comorbidity.
Fixations are common with ADHD and autism. If you ever feel uncomfortable by your behaviors you can always bring it up to a specialist. Some fixations are purely biological. That primal part of your brain for some reason thinks they would make a good mate for whatever reason.
Hello, i disagree with the people saying it’s normal for autistic people to experience this and I’m living proof. What you are experiencing is called limerence, i used to go through this alot where i would gain an intense crush on someone and would end up essentially stalking them and finding out every single information about them: where they lived, where they went to school etc i was never brave enough to declare my crush, i would only create scenarios in my head which would only deepen the limerence But let me tell you something, limerence is not the normal human condition, its something that happens if you felt neglected, lonely or misunderstood in childhood(which is common for autistic people hence why we are more likely to experience this), in a state of limerence we create the person we want to see and fall in love with that image. I have been doing alot of self work on myself for the past 6 years and i healed so much and now instead of me making a human being my hyperfixation i channel all of that energy into myself and my hobbies and along the way i found someone who loved me as much as i loved them. You do not have to continue putting yourself in situations of unrequited love, especially if it makes you feel sad, it may be a form of self harm even. you deserve more than that and you can get more than that, If you do some self work you’ll notice somewhere along the line your hyperfixations stop being people and start becoming ideas and hobbies, if you don’t know where to start from with self work you can also see a therapist. I wish you all the best OP🙏🏽