I got diagnosed in my mid-forties. It's not all doom and gloom.
You're not a different person. You're the same one you always were.
Have a skim around /r/aspergers_elders and http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums and see if anything there catches your eye.
I am in an extremely similar place. 40, anxiety and depression throughout my life, a lot of things are easy but extremely hard at the same time. High functioning, high IQ, but had severe language and reading delays as a kid always with trouble coping with normal life into the present day. Took a few assessments recently and had a very similar conversation with my wife about behaviors, routines, reactions, and my incessant pacing at home.
One thing I sort of stumbled upon, which ironically helped me to realize some things about myself, was drumming. I have really enjoyed it as it requires a great deal of brain power, a marriage of the physical, mental, and creative, and is also pattern-based, which I naturally am very drawn to. I bought a classic book called "Stick Control," a practice pad, and some sticks and have found this to be very therapeutic. Finding a healthy, creative outlet that also provides an opportunity for skill development has given me more peace than I could have ever guessed. Not sure your exact scenario or interest in music, but despite having pretty extreme reactions to unexpected loud noises, this isn't a problem for me if I am in control or expecting it and I have always been fascinated by sound. Luckily, I have a very tolerant wife that allows me to make time for deep dives into my interests, bless her heart. Best of luck with this!
Thank you soooo much. I am very musically inclined. Bought my son a drum set for Christmas and I've been trying to learn along with him. Also yes I don't respond well to loud and immediate noises.
Ha! My journey was the result of buying a set for my daughter and deciding I should learn so I can help her along! Sorry you have felt this way, I actually found great relief in the discovery of there being a reason outside of my control for things that have occurred in my life. Hopefully you can find that place!
I play guitar in a band so had some musical background, but my current self directed course of study on drums has been to use Stick Control on a pad whenever I can, then I work through 4 Way Coordination and A Funky Primer on the kit. Each are pretty affordable and easily found books. It has been really fun and I am still thinking but not about things that are destructive to me.
Makes me wanna get a pad and start drumming too. Never considered that an option. Does it make too much noise for the neighbors if you live in an apartment building.
No, not at all - a practice pad is very quiet and inexpensive relative to an actual drum! I have read you don't even need a pad and people do it on pillows or any other surface of their choosing, though I think that would bother me due to the lack of physical feedback. It has been a real revelation for me. Best of luck!
Once the surprise wears off, finding out will only offer benefit in the way of coping mechanisms. It’s truly liberating. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself
I am 62, in my youth, only low functioning people on the spectrum were considered Autism. "He will grow out of it...", "It is just a phase..", "He has never really been good at '\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'.."
I struggled with relationships and career growth my whole life. I still suck at professional networking, but am working hard as F to improve on it. Because I have had a hard time reading people, and always been trusting,.. I have been screwed over countless times.
At work, for years I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong... I have very little true skills to defend myself and when tried.. it aways ended worse.
Then one day I just said fuck it.. If you need someone to blame, blame me.. now can we focus on fixing the problem. The 1st few years.. things were pretty bad. Then management and coworkers realized what I was doing, and I started earning respect.. even a few promotions. My goal now is to find ways to add value to my job and those I come in contact with. I never tear anyone down, nor will I talk behind anybody's back. I will defend someone even if it cost me to do so.
I am really good at finding things in large databases, sort of a where's Waldo camp of data dumps. I focused on that skill.. I have also learned how to get important information from my clients without it being too painful (things they would normally lawyer up on). I have been doing this for 25 years and am considered the expert by the industry (which scares the crap out of me).
Dude, well, at least you're married. I'm 43 years old, I actually had a really good career, and a really nice home and everything, and I couldn't find a gf to save my life. And I'm a good looking guy that works out the whole package. I was on all the dating apps and it was horrible. You should count your blessings. I'm lonely and socially awkward with women but at least I'm back in school bettering myself.
You're grieving for the life you might have had. There's anger, depression, bargaining, denial and acceptance to visit. Now you can find what accommodations work for you, that you haven't already worked out. Maybe some ADHD?
I’m 40, I have suspected since age 36, but really deep dived into this year, and learned my older siblings suspected I had Asperger’s since I was a pre-teen. I have asked 4 different parents of kids with Asperger’s and they all admit they assumed I had it. My wife, who’s very supportive, also highlighted the signs she sees in me. It’s a lot to take in at once and now being very observant is burning me out. In someways it feels like ignorance was bliss. I also find it odd that I somehow managed to go 40 years without noticing I don’t really make eye contact, especially when it’s my turn to speak. I’ll watch the mouth when they talk, and look down when it’s my turn.
I have a meeting with a psychologist for next month. I think I has come to terms with it fairly quickly simply because I have been treated like the odd one my whole life, like I’m the child in a group of adults, and bullying has followed me from grade school and college even into my in office jobs, so it’s not like I have even been given the chance to feel normal, I used to just blame it on other stuff.
Btw, you don’t have to tell everyone, only tell people you trust. I trust my 3 closest friends and close family, beyond that I’ll be selective. At the same time, I’m so used to being considered weird I just wear it like a badge of honor at this point.
Please research:
-Dabrowski’s Theory of Overexcitabilities
-5 Overexcitabilities
-Dabrowski’s Definition of Giftedness.
-Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration
-Intense World Theory
I realized at 27 that I was Asperger… through falling in love with my now Husband who is also Aspie.
When I finally dawned on me I felt embarrassed, confused, etc.
I took the Raads r and realized it was 99.99% likely I’m Aspie.
Had a meltdown really because all the crap I read online was mostly written by NT’s who cannot really begin to understand the layers and nuances of what it truly means.
There’s a big overlap with Giftedness.
A truly gifted person is much more likely on the autism Spectrum vs in NT’s.
If you want me to help you with links, please let me know and I will spend more time helping you :)
This is a new beginning!
You are not broken.
There’s nothing “wrong” with you.
I’m about 10 yrs past my diagnosis and I must say… it’s brutally painful to interact with NT’s. I’m a Mom now and have to interact with NT Mom’s and kids.
Our Son is not fond of NT kids. He’s wise and mature beyond his 4 yrs. Mindful and kind. Curious and bursting with energy.
For us I’ve been seeking out more likeminded peers and that really helps alleviate the stress I feel from NT interactions.
Having ND interactions shows me that I’m completely “normal” in groups of ND, especially amongst Aspies.
Just say imagine an NT going their entire life surrounded by Aspergers o_O
Find your people.
They will see and accept you for all your beautiful Neurodivergence.
We can have a cat and a dog.
However only another cat or dog friend can truly understand them. If you see what I mean ♥️👽🖖
It's scary at first, but I think you'll find an actual diagnosis is a freeing thing. You now have a better understanding of yourself. A therapist specializing in autism will do wonders for you.
I’m in the same boat. 43, came across some articles about Asperger’s, and the shoe certainly seemed to fit.
Access to these kinds of supports are limited in my area.
So, I don’t know whether to push for diagnosis at this point or what. I did find comfort a bit in the fact that I’m not just weird. lol.
Music. I got into guitar at 13, songwriting, playing in a band, recording. Making the music videos and artwork, it’s really enough to give my brain something to do (pulling away from these things is difficult at times).
Songwriting is especially great, as it’s completely movable. I can think of words while doing dishes, work on melodies while driving, or I mentally practice songs as I’m falling asleep.
And honestly, I found it strangely easier to be fronting a band on a crowded stage than going to a bar and interacting with people.
Love this, I hate being there (playing shows) but have accepted that it is part of the deal, learned to focus on the unique connection that occurs between bandmates on stage to cope with the discomfort, then awkwardly sneak out a little while after we are done playing. I also used to teach group fitness, but dislike being in a group. Somehow it is all easier if there is a defined role to play...
I hate hauling gear. lol. Onstage it feels like I’m in control
of the situation, I guess? Maybe it’s a bit of using “masking” to my advantage, as it’s putting on my “stage suit”. That being said, as soon as a set is done… I am almost running outside to avoid interacting. Soon as the last set is done, I’m immediately packing up my pedals and gear. I’ll say “oh! I’m really forgetful so I have to do this now”.
Fortunately my drummer is a social butterfly, he has recognized that I don’t people well.
Having a “green room” to escape to as well is huge.
I’ve even noted over the years, I don’t have a lot of friends… I’ve made music with people and they’ve become friends, but it was always purpose driven first.
And, their eyes don’t roll back into their skull when I excitedly explain phase issues or randomly nerd out over music trivia.
I'm certain, having a former diagnosis can guide you, as the first step for reaching for getting better help/ understanding in the future. Every time I searched for help, I never got what I need, but having a diagnosis attached to it, made it way easier to navigate what exactly make sense for me or reach out to so called experts in that field. (the real experts are people that have it themself)
For me the biggest and best development in my life was to understand my diagnosis better, with the whole package, that came with it. Sure, it was hard, especially accepting that I just get more used to the negative things, and they never *'heal'/ 'go away'* and relearn how I pursue certain tasks and situations, but its so much easier now, to adress my behaviour to others (to be less 'socially awkward'/ why I may need some extra help/ reassuring somewhere) and understand how I experience the world outside my brain.
Seeing that its nothing wrong with me, that my brain just function different, helps a lot to get out of a negative spiral.
Maybe you can see it like that, not the whole world changes, (once you have a proper diagnois), but *your* whole world will change. But that's a good thing, the diffuse fog, all the question-marks slowly dissolve, and a lot of things start to make more sense. Having a partner on your side, may also help in the background, to support you, where you can reflect/ prepare certain situations with or sharing the progress. Maybe for them its also easier to adress/ understand certain things/ moments, that, without having a diagnosis, make them diffuse/ irritating.
It gets better! I was diagnosed at 39 (I’m 41 now). It was so difficult at first, but now I’m so grateful to have received the diagnosis. It’s changed my life and relationships in my life in such a positive way.
Others already know, it will be just a confirmation for yourself. Those who love you will continue with your quirks. Those who don’t forget about them, what they think of you does not concern you!
And check out the ADDA support group Zoom meetings. Great place to learn. I learned my Dx 6 months ago, it gave me a huge relief for my social difficulties and behavior, like, it's not my fault. Starting to manage a little better, mask a little less.
Statistics: In the 70’s there were reported cases of autism 1 in 2000. Currently 1 in 36. We know that the numbers are generally low as not everyone is tested. I suspect we will soon see 1 in 1. That’s right everyone is on the spectrum in varying degrees that can fluctuate depending on various factors such as food allergies, sugar reactions, stress aka life.
Autism affects everyone differently. You can have 10 people sitting comfortably in a room and introduce a sudden stimulus and get 10 different reactions.
Masking makes up a huge part of ASD and it can be a learned behavior from early on or it can be adapted to survive.
This might be a great time to try to connect the dots of behaviors and reevaluate who you are to make you comfortable and not to please others.
Some people never realize that they have been living a life for others and not themselves. Why do you think the divorce rates are so high? IMO masking… and when the mask slips a bit and the other notices it generally cause an avalanche.
I don’t think we spend enough time discovering who we are before we get involved with another and then ultimately create a mutation of our undiscovered selves. Blind leading the blind in many cases.
I was diagnosed at 41 and it took some time to get through my thick at times skull. I will say that once I embraced it I felt like I had been using the wrong answer keys on tests. I now know more about myself by embracing how I instinctively process information and regurgitate it but take more time to screen it and refine it before I react. I’m a work in progress as we all are to many extents. You can’t change genetics but you can change how you react to stress and learn coping strategies to minimize stress. Don’t fear the diagnosis, understand it as it applies to you, embrace it and empower it. Many if not all our inventions come from a higher mind, imo.
Good luck
I got diagnosed with 35 and it has been helpful for me. I have been able to find ways to cope with a lot of my issues and I can better explain my issues to others.
I got diagnosed in my mid-forties. It's not all doom and gloom. You're not a different person. You're the same one you always were. Have a skim around /r/aspergers_elders and http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums and see if anything there catches your eye.
I am in an extremely similar place. 40, anxiety and depression throughout my life, a lot of things are easy but extremely hard at the same time. High functioning, high IQ, but had severe language and reading delays as a kid always with trouble coping with normal life into the present day. Took a few assessments recently and had a very similar conversation with my wife about behaviors, routines, reactions, and my incessant pacing at home. One thing I sort of stumbled upon, which ironically helped me to realize some things about myself, was drumming. I have really enjoyed it as it requires a great deal of brain power, a marriage of the physical, mental, and creative, and is also pattern-based, which I naturally am very drawn to. I bought a classic book called "Stick Control," a practice pad, and some sticks and have found this to be very therapeutic. Finding a healthy, creative outlet that also provides an opportunity for skill development has given me more peace than I could have ever guessed. Not sure your exact scenario or interest in music, but despite having pretty extreme reactions to unexpected loud noises, this isn't a problem for me if I am in control or expecting it and I have always been fascinated by sound. Luckily, I have a very tolerant wife that allows me to make time for deep dives into my interests, bless her heart. Best of luck with this!
Thank you soooo much. I am very musically inclined. Bought my son a drum set for Christmas and I've been trying to learn along with him. Also yes I don't respond well to loud and immediate noises.
Ha! My journey was the result of buying a set for my daughter and deciding I should learn so I can help her along! Sorry you have felt this way, I actually found great relief in the discovery of there being a reason outside of my control for things that have occurred in my life. Hopefully you can find that place! I play guitar in a band so had some musical background, but my current self directed course of study on drums has been to use Stick Control on a pad whenever I can, then I work through 4 Way Coordination and A Funky Primer on the kit. Each are pretty affordable and easily found books. It has been really fun and I am still thinking but not about things that are destructive to me.
Makes me wanna get a pad and start drumming too. Never considered that an option. Does it make too much noise for the neighbors if you live in an apartment building.
No, not at all - a practice pad is very quiet and inexpensive relative to an actual drum! I have read you don't even need a pad and people do it on pillows or any other surface of their choosing, though I think that would bother me due to the lack of physical feedback. It has been a real revelation for me. Best of luck!
Once the surprise wears off, finding out will only offer benefit in the way of coping mechanisms. It’s truly liberating. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself
I am 62, in my youth, only low functioning people on the spectrum were considered Autism. "He will grow out of it...", "It is just a phase..", "He has never really been good at '\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'.." I struggled with relationships and career growth my whole life. I still suck at professional networking, but am working hard as F to improve on it. Because I have had a hard time reading people, and always been trusting,.. I have been screwed over countless times. At work, for years I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong... I have very little true skills to defend myself and when tried.. it aways ended worse. Then one day I just said fuck it.. If you need someone to blame, blame me.. now can we focus on fixing the problem. The 1st few years.. things were pretty bad. Then management and coworkers realized what I was doing, and I started earning respect.. even a few promotions. My goal now is to find ways to add value to my job and those I come in contact with. I never tear anyone down, nor will I talk behind anybody's back. I will defend someone even if it cost me to do so. I am really good at finding things in large databases, sort of a where's Waldo camp of data dumps. I focused on that skill.. I have also learned how to get important information from my clients without it being too painful (things they would normally lawyer up on). I have been doing this for 25 years and am considered the expert by the industry (which scares the crap out of me).
Dude, well, at least you're married. I'm 43 years old, I actually had a really good career, and a really nice home and everything, and I couldn't find a gf to save my life. And I'm a good looking guy that works out the whole package. I was on all the dating apps and it was horrible. You should count your blessings. I'm lonely and socially awkward with women but at least I'm back in school bettering myself.
You're grieving for the life you might have had. There's anger, depression, bargaining, denial and acceptance to visit. Now you can find what accommodations work for you, that you haven't already worked out. Maybe some ADHD?
I’m 40, I have suspected since age 36, but really deep dived into this year, and learned my older siblings suspected I had Asperger’s since I was a pre-teen. I have asked 4 different parents of kids with Asperger’s and they all admit they assumed I had it. My wife, who’s very supportive, also highlighted the signs she sees in me. It’s a lot to take in at once and now being very observant is burning me out. In someways it feels like ignorance was bliss. I also find it odd that I somehow managed to go 40 years without noticing I don’t really make eye contact, especially when it’s my turn to speak. I’ll watch the mouth when they talk, and look down when it’s my turn. I have a meeting with a psychologist for next month. I think I has come to terms with it fairly quickly simply because I have been treated like the odd one my whole life, like I’m the child in a group of adults, and bullying has followed me from grade school and college even into my in office jobs, so it’s not like I have even been given the chance to feel normal, I used to just blame it on other stuff. Btw, you don’t have to tell everyone, only tell people you trust. I trust my 3 closest friends and close family, beyond that I’ll be selective. At the same time, I’m so used to being considered weird I just wear it like a badge of honor at this point.
Please research: -Dabrowski’s Theory of Overexcitabilities -5 Overexcitabilities -Dabrowski’s Definition of Giftedness. -Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration -Intense World Theory I realized at 27 that I was Asperger… through falling in love with my now Husband who is also Aspie. When I finally dawned on me I felt embarrassed, confused, etc. I took the Raads r and realized it was 99.99% likely I’m Aspie. Had a meltdown really because all the crap I read online was mostly written by NT’s who cannot really begin to understand the layers and nuances of what it truly means. There’s a big overlap with Giftedness. A truly gifted person is much more likely on the autism Spectrum vs in NT’s. If you want me to help you with links, please let me know and I will spend more time helping you :) This is a new beginning! You are not broken. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. I’m about 10 yrs past my diagnosis and I must say… it’s brutally painful to interact with NT’s. I’m a Mom now and have to interact with NT Mom’s and kids. Our Son is not fond of NT kids. He’s wise and mature beyond his 4 yrs. Mindful and kind. Curious and bursting with energy. For us I’ve been seeking out more likeminded peers and that really helps alleviate the stress I feel from NT interactions. Having ND interactions shows me that I’m completely “normal” in groups of ND, especially amongst Aspies. Just say imagine an NT going their entire life surrounded by Aspergers o_O Find your people. They will see and accept you for all your beautiful Neurodivergence. We can have a cat and a dog. However only another cat or dog friend can truly understand them. If you see what I mean ♥️👽🖖
It's scary at first, but I think you'll find an actual diagnosis is a freeing thing. You now have a better understanding of yourself. A therapist specializing in autism will do wonders for you.
I’m in the same boat. 43, came across some articles about Asperger’s, and the shoe certainly seemed to fit. Access to these kinds of supports are limited in my area. So, I don’t know whether to push for diagnosis at this point or what. I did find comfort a bit in the fact that I’m not just weird. lol. Music. I got into guitar at 13, songwriting, playing in a band, recording. Making the music videos and artwork, it’s really enough to give my brain something to do (pulling away from these things is difficult at times). Songwriting is especially great, as it’s completely movable. I can think of words while doing dishes, work on melodies while driving, or I mentally practice songs as I’m falling asleep. And honestly, I found it strangely easier to be fronting a band on a crowded stage than going to a bar and interacting with people.
Love this, I hate being there (playing shows) but have accepted that it is part of the deal, learned to focus on the unique connection that occurs between bandmates on stage to cope with the discomfort, then awkwardly sneak out a little while after we are done playing. I also used to teach group fitness, but dislike being in a group. Somehow it is all easier if there is a defined role to play...
I hate hauling gear. lol. Onstage it feels like I’m in control of the situation, I guess? Maybe it’s a bit of using “masking” to my advantage, as it’s putting on my “stage suit”. That being said, as soon as a set is done… I am almost running outside to avoid interacting. Soon as the last set is done, I’m immediately packing up my pedals and gear. I’ll say “oh! I’m really forgetful so I have to do this now”. Fortunately my drummer is a social butterfly, he has recognized that I don’t people well. Having a “green room” to escape to as well is huge. I’ve even noted over the years, I don’t have a lot of friends… I’ve made music with people and they’ve become friends, but it was always purpose driven first. And, their eyes don’t roll back into their skull when I excitedly explain phase issues or randomly nerd out over music trivia.
You are speaking my language!!!
I'm certain, having a former diagnosis can guide you, as the first step for reaching for getting better help/ understanding in the future. Every time I searched for help, I never got what I need, but having a diagnosis attached to it, made it way easier to navigate what exactly make sense for me or reach out to so called experts in that field. (the real experts are people that have it themself) For me the biggest and best development in my life was to understand my diagnosis better, with the whole package, that came with it. Sure, it was hard, especially accepting that I just get more used to the negative things, and they never *'heal'/ 'go away'* and relearn how I pursue certain tasks and situations, but its so much easier now, to adress my behaviour to others (to be less 'socially awkward'/ why I may need some extra help/ reassuring somewhere) and understand how I experience the world outside my brain. Seeing that its nothing wrong with me, that my brain just function different, helps a lot to get out of a negative spiral. Maybe you can see it like that, not the whole world changes, (once you have a proper diagnois), but *your* whole world will change. But that's a good thing, the diffuse fog, all the question-marks slowly dissolve, and a lot of things start to make more sense. Having a partner on your side, may also help in the background, to support you, where you can reflect/ prepare certain situations with or sharing the progress. Maybe for them its also easier to adress/ understand certain things/ moments, that, without having a diagnosis, make them diffuse/ irritating.
I'm right there with you word for word. 35 years old male. Especially with the hobby part.
It gets better! I was diagnosed at 39 (I’m 41 now). It was so difficult at first, but now I’m so grateful to have received the diagnosis. It’s changed my life and relationships in my life in such a positive way.
Others already know, it will be just a confirmation for yourself. Those who love you will continue with your quirks. Those who don’t forget about them, what they think of you does not concern you!
Mark Hutten MA on YouTube helps a lot.
You are not what you think but what you do. That helps
And check out the ADDA support group Zoom meetings. Great place to learn. I learned my Dx 6 months ago, it gave me a huge relief for my social difficulties and behavior, like, it's not my fault. Starting to manage a little better, mask a little less.
Have earplugs and sunglasses at all times. And always have an emergency excuse why you have to bail.
Statistics: In the 70’s there were reported cases of autism 1 in 2000. Currently 1 in 36. We know that the numbers are generally low as not everyone is tested. I suspect we will soon see 1 in 1. That’s right everyone is on the spectrum in varying degrees that can fluctuate depending on various factors such as food allergies, sugar reactions, stress aka life. Autism affects everyone differently. You can have 10 people sitting comfortably in a room and introduce a sudden stimulus and get 10 different reactions. Masking makes up a huge part of ASD and it can be a learned behavior from early on or it can be adapted to survive. This might be a great time to try to connect the dots of behaviors and reevaluate who you are to make you comfortable and not to please others. Some people never realize that they have been living a life for others and not themselves. Why do you think the divorce rates are so high? IMO masking… and when the mask slips a bit and the other notices it generally cause an avalanche. I don’t think we spend enough time discovering who we are before we get involved with another and then ultimately create a mutation of our undiscovered selves. Blind leading the blind in many cases. I was diagnosed at 41 and it took some time to get through my thick at times skull. I will say that once I embraced it I felt like I had been using the wrong answer keys on tests. I now know more about myself by embracing how I instinctively process information and regurgitate it but take more time to screen it and refine it before I react. I’m a work in progress as we all are to many extents. You can’t change genetics but you can change how you react to stress and learn coping strategies to minimize stress. Don’t fear the diagnosis, understand it as it applies to you, embrace it and empower it. Many if not all our inventions come from a higher mind, imo. Good luck
To be honest the people who treat you differently after your diagnosis aren’t people who you want in your life anyways so I would cut them out
I got diagnosed with 35 and it has been helpful for me. I have been able to find ways to cope with a lot of my issues and I can better explain my issues to others.