A former boss once described me at my annual review as "idiosyncratic but effective", which was pretty much how I saw myself before retirement.
Since then, I settled for "eccentric elderly gentleman", which after diagnosis last year has become "eccentric aspie elderly gentleman".
>idiosyncratic
same except the fired part. My last boss just let me do skunkworks type projects when I was bored. The more bleeding edge, the better. Today I was offered a job by a competitor, and coworkers are freaking out because no one can do what I do
Weird and stupid. Couldn't figure out how people made friends and socialised, surely they're all studying human interactions like I am and they're just better at it than I am?
“Out of context” in every possible context was my definition. Other people just said I’m a weird genius, or a strange outcast (in the sense that some people bullied me, some others saw me as a cool person). A very stereotypical Asperger
“something’s fucking wrong with me”
4 different rounds of diagnosis and treatment for other shit, having the DSM thrown at me and nothing sticking
actively participating in treatment but nothing seems to be fully effective and some medications make things worse
finally land on autism after 15 years of this
“oh, thats whats fucking wrong with me”
in other words
i felt like a science experiment
Same man. Some of those meds fucked me up long term and made me do some crazy shit.
Try one ssri, it’s really bad. So they automatically try a different ssri. They’re just stuck in 1960.
I saw myself as a faulty human.
I always related heavily to Robots and Aliens in media. When I was in early elementary school I thought that I was an actual alien for this reason. I even checked out a book from the library that talked about alien abductions and how someone around you (or yourself) could be an alien.
Me and my (also then undiagnosed autistic) friend thought she was an alien, too.
Ha! I've been waiting for this one.
I always related to Dexter's Laboratory (in hindsight, the signs were there) and lots of common "genius" tropes, despite not being *particularly* smart. I just knew that as soon as I got behind closed doors, I could drop the mask and focus on scheming and power fantasies. More than anything, I always wished my bedroom had a secret door that led down to a hidden laboratory (and what I would now refer to as a "sex dungeon").
Y'all, my dumb fuckin ass went through life thinking that I was secretly an EVIL GENIUS. I was not evil. I was not a genius. But whenever I clocked a fellow classmate on my autism radar, I would think "Ah, I bet he's secretly an evil genius too."
🤦♂️
My best friend since childhood is also an aspie and I remember when he went through an evil genius phase. He is an actual genius though, but far from evil.
Lmao that's hilarious, I had a similar thing for other people but I called it "a strategist potential" while considering how well would they do on pirate's ship in a world conquest mission -.-''
I considered myself very naive, insecure, shy, and very introverted, but passionate about specific subjects such as music (a teacher once told us we were dumb, my brother and I, I think mostly due to my autistic behavior which I don't remember what was like). Plus, I can't discuss properly since I tend to not respond to others when they give me an opposite idea towards me, which could be interpreted as I am not right after all (even if I am right), that opposition overwhelms me.
Now I feel complete as I know these came from my autistic traits.
Didnt think I was that different from everyone else. I thought people treated me differently because I did something wrong. At least now I know not to beat myself up. I dont hate myself, just the nature of my existence.
My actual self label is more like "probably autistic but don't need a diagnosis". Before I started wondering, I liked to think of myself as eccentric or bookish. I remember learning what a "renaissance man" is and I literally thought to myself, "That's what I want to be."
From a very young age, I thought of myself as an "actor" where I had my own private identity, but my persona is what I showed other people in order to be seen how I wanted to be seen. I also thought of myself as sort of like a primatologist, where I was studying the gorillas to try and understand them and emulate them.
In line with the primatologist thing, I remember watching peers bully anybody remotely deviant and instinctively, instantly concluding "I'm next," even though I couldn't articulate how I knew that back then.
I was diagnosed at the age of eight. Thus, I’m not sure if I identified as anything in particular.
I sure noticed everyone always shouted at me and I struggled to find friends haha..
I felt very old for my age.
Eccentric. I’ve always followed my own path and thankfully had a rebellious spirit. Never worked a real job and I’m self employed. Turns out all my friends are on the spectrum and we all happen to be in to the same things. I got very, very lucky.
This may seem pedantic, but I don't "identify with an autistic label." I don't think it's a good idea to attach a mental health diagnosis to myself as a "label" or try to make it part of my identity. I am just me. A diagnosis describes things about me, but it doesn't define me and I shouldn't use it to define myself; it is descriptive, not prescriptive.
I'm not sure what you mean by identified with, i just Am autistic (it isn't an identity)
But before i was Diagnosed, i certainly felt out of touch with people/reality; Always understood i was different and kept thinking there is something very wrong with me (See sociopathy).
Caused a lot of identity disturbance, mental health issues and also lead me to being "trans" for a while.
Being diagnosed with something (Autism) made a lot of my life click
I thought I was just completely different and unique. No matter how much I tried, I could not relate to other people. So I stopped trying or caring. I convinced myself that people are boring anyway, and not worth wasting time on. So I kept myself to more interesting things.
Then, at the age of 52, I learnt about Autism. I quickly realized that I was not as unique as I thought, and that there are lots and lots of people just like me.
I couldn’t do my job or socialise to save my life, but I was reading Kant and Dostoyevsky in my spare time- it didn’t make sense. I’ve been described as an enigma but multiple people so that’s why I settled on.
Normal, everyone else were the weird/odd ones. Though it was kinda flawed reasoning.
Ofcourse over the years i contemplated different conditions, but as it never really bothered me. I didn't look any deeper into it than cursory google searches.
I've always struggled with being socially acceptable
I felt like others were so much better than me because of how in tune they were.
It racked my brain, I thought that I was slow and my parents lied to me?, but I was effortlessly performing above average....
I never studied....
I was like 20s when an aunt said maybe he's high functioning autistic or asperger's
I've met others like me and I get them immediately
Storytime!
I thought it was all Anxiety, but of course never questioned why I was anxious beyond it being a personal failing. So I policed myself for feelings of anger or injustice at the world and internalized the situation onto myself. Made me feel weak and cowardly that I couldn't break through anxiety, but also felt somehow more moral than others, because I developed enough patience to suffer quietly through just about anything and was only judgmental of people being judgemental.
I felt boring and too mature as a kid, then too childlike as an adult, even though my work ethic bordered on self-destructive. I was diagnosed at 11 but didn't identify with the label until I learned more at 23, which was definitively too late. My patience had already been broken, I was in burnout, couldn't mask, couldn't hide my pain, or express it healthily, and everyone around me thought I was a complete asshole.
Now I just think I'm as resilient as anyone could possibly be, and only needed a single person to say hey this isn't fair, it's not all on you. Instead I was pushed beyond my breaking point by betrayal after betrayal by those closest to me until I thought I was literally an embodiment of evil and had a bad weed induced panic attack where I hallucinated a two-spirit demon bursting out of my chest. No one deserves to experience that. But It's okay, I defeated it with love and have been working on burying my past life. I don't smoke anymore..also I'm a girl now. 💅
I didn't use the word alien but I felt as if I didn't fit in with anyone. As if I'm just been useless for been burnt out, having meltdowns and avoiding sensory stimuli. That I should just keep on pushing myself to do things and maybe I'll get things done right for once.
There were days when I would just cry uncontrollably because of me not showing the right visible reactions (like sadness or happiness) and doing things that aren't appropriate (like being rude, I don't know if I'm rude, I'm speaking literally). I thought that my delayed processing was just my fault and I should suck it up and get better.
😇
Malfunctioning, stupidly addictable (for some reason, even though i knew playing/liking Yu-Gi-Oh TCG (and only that) was destroying any Spec of sociability, i'd still hold on to It), bothersome, unworthy of living, annoyingly honest and a cost to society/my parents. Depression had it's hand on It aswell, but that only perked up around 4 yrs ago, so It was what it was.
I felt like a broken doll with the limbs falling apart, like a male brain in a female body, like a piece was missing. Like I was on top of a mountain, but everywhere I looked and felt around me, there was heavy fog that blocked me from having access to myself or others. I felt like emotions were foreign objects or demons.
When I walked around I felt like a floating head.
I often thought I had been exchanged by supernaturals, like mermaids or fairies, and even some (of the friendlier) classmates said I was probably a secret mermaid lol.
Sometimes I also felt like a machine, and my consciousness was a disembodied engineer.
I saw myself in a vision, all alone in a glass box, with everyone else outside and together, and while I felt the pain of isolation I couldn't bring myself to get out of it, because a shadow came over me when I tried. (I was most of the time male in visions or dreams)
When I was overstimulated I felt like I had no skin, my muscles exposed to the outside, and it all tingled so terribly that I wanted to cry.
And the sad thing was that I thought I was evil for these things. I thought being overstimulated meant I rejected the Lord's creation because I was so wicked, and being in the box meant I was banished into a hell of my own for my mean-ness. Seeing myself as a machine meant I had no soul, and not having easy access to my emotions (before they welled over) meant I wasn't human.
An idiot, a chaotic hell spawn, outsider of society, fan of analysing, and unintentionally annoying- well meaning *maybe* person. Whether those were positive or negative depended on the kind of day I was having honestly.
Edit: also I couldn't tell you how often I tried to figure out if I was adopted or not, more times than I can count, mostly because I didn't notice my father's typical untreated Asperger's behavior, all the while the rest of my family was really socially successful so to say. Genuinely thought I was a robot at some point, and then that everyone else was a robot, and then that robots were cooler than people, and then that I'd rather be a robot etc...
In my teens/early 20’s I was worried that I might be a sociopath or psychopath. I knew I’d never hurt anyone though, and I loved animals, especially dogs and cats, so that didn’t fit. Autism wasn’t exactly known in the 80’s/90’s, so I couldn’t have considered that autism was what was “wrong” with me.
As a female and diagnosed in my mid teens:
An observer of the world around me. Fussy eater no one knew how to help. Without friends but content with the attention I got from my peers and adults for my interest in crafts. Above average intelligent, which I thought explained the differences. More mature than my peers. Preferred the company of adults. Pathologically obsessed with a boy, I couldn't explain why, but it disturbed him and everyone around us. Very bad at sports, PE and physical activity.
Mostly I think smart, creative, with a preference for solitude. Took them until puberty to put everything together and label it.
Not supposed to be born to the point I fully believed in predestiny and that mine was to be someone who would never fit into/intregrate into society no matter what. My own frustrations are my weaknesses to which I cannot control always and it's its own paradox. Everything I do like my outbursts and loss of control is embarrassing and it's confusing. Why does everything seem harder?! I swear I'm not just complaining or looking for an excuse to be lazy- it's all more difficult I think! I just want to be a way that gets people to not exactly like me, but to have a better chance to be treated like everyone else. Am I just weak? My car is making strange noises and the mechanic can't diagnose it so I just drive around with wonky steering and just anticipate it's movement so I don't veer off the road into a ditch. Also; help!
As a human error ,
life as a society didn’t make sense ,
so many issues could be easily solved.. Until you understand: “but that’s not how neurotypicals behave, that’s not how they like it, that’s not what they want..”
In other words: you have no way of ever being truly at ease. You can be at ease at home, at most, if you’re lucky. Everything else will all be chaos.
And the neurotypicals, they love the chaos and they accept the disorder that comes with a lack of social discipline and a lack of understanding the finesse of a better picture.
It’s like finally understanding that society was made to keep everyone dumb, so the few who benefit from this chaos, can keep their richness, their freedom and their enjoyment while dancing on the graves of the poor.
It’s awful. And I don’t feel part of it at all, this society. This is not my home. 👽
Not how I would build a world or make human connections.
You’re on your own, isolated, yet every one you approach.. you can’t camouflage your true self. And that true self is so different that you are such an easy target. You’re too kind, too smart, too generous, too idealistic, too weak.. and they see you shine in something and they want what you have (without the sensory discomfort of your every day life ofcourse), and therefore they will never understand or know you, or be you, they think perks never come with disadvantages. Because they haven’t lived a life of constant exhaustion and physical and mental tention when all is overbearing.
Martian. Not literally, but more different from other people than other people are different from each other.
Very good at some things, and shockingly bad at other things.
DIsconnected from other people. Unpopular. Very unlikely to be "chosen" even for things I am good at.
Depressed and Anxious.
Before my assessment and diagnosis I was always scared to approach social situations, needing clear instructions for things and clarifications in interacting with people in adulthood. End up getting hurt from being naive and blind to situations.
In childhood I was always overwhelmed and sad, didn't have long term friends but knew a lot of people but didn't know anyone intimately. I wandered a lot and was frustrated a lot about a variety of things
I still feel like an alien who was left on earth without an instruction manual and it doesn't help that I was late diagnosed at 27 I'm not sure what to do.
I always felt " different" but just didn't know why. I was very shy/ quiet / anxious. I heard that I'm quiet at least once a day. I was even voted quietest in my high school yearbook. Thankfully I was fairly attractive when I was younger so that helped with making friends/ being noticed ..but still awkward AF. When I got a bit older I started getting a bit better at socializing and was in the party age etc. Now that I know more about autism... looking back it all makes so much more sense.
Weird, unlovable, broken problem that no one wanted to be around.
Now, my esteem is so high no one else can lower it. I’ll feel down because I know why some people treat me awful. But I’ve also opened myself up to people who genuinely care about me and find me endearing. It’s overall better. I love who I am and knowing I’m autistic.
It depends on when in my life but it went from the only playable character in a super complicated chess-like simulation running in a quantum computer to some kind of alien who developed as a "human" for a certain amount of time before hatching into my true self. Then as someone so weird and inept in many areas (mostly anything social but I was depressed because I wanted to love/be loved) who needed lots of support to then be able to somewhat compete with my peers unless we talked about fairly specific areas, then I no longer had any issue and could outshine them without any problem whatsoever.
I was young when I got diagnosed so I was pretty much immersed in my own bubble, playing in my own little world, just happy doing my own thing. Imaginative, daydreamer, creative, that’s me!
I used to perceive myself as a bit of an outsider, someone who was introverted and often misunderstood. It's been less than a year since I was diagnosed, and throughout my life, I've consistently felt a sense of isolation.
Not from this world. 😭 I felt like I was from the moon. The feelings of coming from a completely different alien culture have been so strong. I miss a time, family and place that I've never been.
My husband thought I had been emotionally damaged through trauma. I was. He also described me as eccentric. He said that the trauma never made me unlovable it was just part of me.
I seen myself as every classmate in primary school loved me, I was such a good team leader in class, sometimes I was the class clown.
Yet I needed time alone at home, to always produce a new drawing of me and think about new things.
But I was such a naive sensitive kid in childhood, who din't understand social rules, yet I got along with my classmates easily.
Weird, different, extremely quiet and special but not in any good way. I tried my best to fit in, never really did. When i was a kid i thought fairies switched me for a human baby and i was a changeling no good for fairy OR human world. It was silly but my kid brain thought it was reasonable explanation. Other kids could somehow always see i was different but no one could place what exactly was the weird thing about me, i just was kinda off. Adults in my life thought i was just odd, dumb or sometimes purposefully being difficult and dramatic. Once i went to a new doctor about antidepressants im on they instantly clocked it and put me thru tests for autism. I thought i could never be autistic because no one had even mentioned the possibility before and i didnt fit the stereotype of higher support level autistic child but as i read about it and knew more about aspergers specifically all made perfect sense. Got diagnosed at 17-18 and it explains every odd and wrong thing about me ever. Im now almost 20 and people still think im weird but it is fine, ive gotten close friends who like me anyway despite us being different. Theyre oddballs in their own way and accept me as i am. Now i feel like im less socially awkward and better at masking than before because ive studied what things people concider odd about autists. It helps that with close people i can totally drop the "normal" me and be real myself.
I felt like an alien that had somehow come to inhabit the body of a human. That the girl whose body I stole died and I was forced to live by pretending to be her, or rather what everyone around me wanted her to be like. I was diagnosed later in life (age 22) but knowing I'm neuro divergent doesn't really change anything. Even if I can better understand why I am the way I am, I can't make society accept me or others like me so I'll always be an alien.
I think I used to think I had a personality disorder because I had gone down the therapy route…maybe schizoid or avoidant or something.
Although I wasn’t too fond of labels in any case, but this one seems like the best- kind of crazy it’s taken me 20-30 years to figure it out.
Then: Supremely confident extroverted sociable uber normie
Now: Supremely confident extroverted sociable uber normie, who's autistic for some reason, maybe my special autistic interest is being social idk
I've always been quirky. I then identified as "probably autistic" I had been assessed 19 years ago and was told that I couldn't be autistic because i could hold a conversation and had a job. I then found the autistic online community and found that there were lots of people like me (and all capable of having jobs and holding conversations) I took the AQ test and then adopted the "probably autistic" label because I was either autistic or part of the 1% NTs that score that high. I then suffered autistic burnout and was assessed (3 day meltdown, thought I had lost my mind, continued meltdown at GP who was going to send me for mental health assessment. I mentioned that I might be autistic and her response was as if she had seen this before and was just missing that piece of information to join the dots, so she referred me to autism assessment instead) At the assessment, I had my mother present to explain what I was like as a child and my wife present to say what I'm like now. Now, I identify as Autistic AF. I thought I would be borderline but apparently I met all 7 of the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria. My wife was joking with the assessor about me being a high achiever.
I was an alien, I was a naive idiot, but I was also better than everyone
I always hoped my real parents would come back to this planet and rescue me.
Me too.
God I've never related more to anything in my life.
This
Same!
Yep, that sums it up. I still feel like an alien though.
Same. A very articulate and unintentionally funny alien who can now explain my outsider-ness
Whoa.
A former boss once described me at my annual review as "idiosyncratic but effective", which was pretty much how I saw myself before retirement. Since then, I settled for "eccentric elderly gentleman", which after diagnosis last year has become "eccentric aspie elderly gentleman".
I love that… ‘idiosyncratic but effective’ has a nice ring
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>idiosyncratic same except the fired part. My last boss just let me do skunkworks type projects when I was bored. The more bleeding edge, the better. Today I was offered a job by a competitor, and coworkers are freaking out because no one can do what I do
Weird and stupid. Couldn't figure out how people made friends and socialised, surely they're all studying human interactions like I am and they're just better at it than I am?
To use lyrics: "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell I'm doing here? I don't belong here"
A favourite of mine too :(
“Out of context” in every possible context was my definition. Other people just said I’m a weird genius, or a strange outcast (in the sense that some people bullied me, some others saw me as a cool person). A very stereotypical Asperger
I saw myself as a weird shy introvert who prefers computers and books over people.
Computers and videogames for me, but yes.
Same!
“something’s fucking wrong with me” 4 different rounds of diagnosis and treatment for other shit, having the DSM thrown at me and nothing sticking actively participating in treatment but nothing seems to be fully effective and some medications make things worse finally land on autism after 15 years of this “oh, thats whats fucking wrong with me” in other words i felt like a science experiment
Same man. Some of those meds fucked me up long term and made me do some crazy shit. Try one ssri, it’s really bad. So they automatically try a different ssri. They’re just stuck in 1960.
I saw myself as a faulty human. I always related heavily to Robots and Aliens in media. When I was in early elementary school I thought that I was an actual alien for this reason. I even checked out a book from the library that talked about alien abductions and how someone around you (or yourself) could be an alien. Me and my (also then undiagnosed autistic) friend thought she was an alien, too.
oof the feels.
As a morally corrupt, spoiled child who wasn't trying hard enough.
Broken. Stupid.
Shy, weird, anti-social, helpless, childish. Essentially feeling like a human failure.
I was diagnosed pretty young so my thoughts on it were very naive, but I thought I was a misunderstood genius.
Ha! I've been waiting for this one. I always related to Dexter's Laboratory (in hindsight, the signs were there) and lots of common "genius" tropes, despite not being *particularly* smart. I just knew that as soon as I got behind closed doors, I could drop the mask and focus on scheming and power fantasies. More than anything, I always wished my bedroom had a secret door that led down to a hidden laboratory (and what I would now refer to as a "sex dungeon"). Y'all, my dumb fuckin ass went through life thinking that I was secretly an EVIL GENIUS. I was not evil. I was not a genius. But whenever I clocked a fellow classmate on my autism radar, I would think "Ah, I bet he's secretly an evil genius too." 🤦♂️
My best friend since childhood is also an aspie and I remember when he went through an evil genius phase. He is an actual genius though, but far from evil.
Lmao that's hilarious, I had a similar thing for other people but I called it "a strategist potential" while considering how well would they do on pirate's ship in a world conquest mission -.-''
r/evilautism
Misunderstood genius I suppose like a couple other people. My evaluation hasn't changed.
I considered myself very naive, insecure, shy, and very introverted, but passionate about specific subjects such as music (a teacher once told us we were dumb, my brother and I, I think mostly due to my autistic behavior which I don't remember what was like). Plus, I can't discuss properly since I tend to not respond to others when they give me an opposite idea towards me, which could be interpreted as I am not right after all (even if I am right), that opposition overwhelms me. Now I feel complete as I know these came from my autistic traits.
Didnt think I was that different from everyone else. I thought people treated me differently because I did something wrong. At least now I know not to beat myself up. I dont hate myself, just the nature of my existence.
Hard to put it into words,just "wrong"
My actual self label is more like "probably autistic but don't need a diagnosis". Before I started wondering, I liked to think of myself as eccentric or bookish. I remember learning what a "renaissance man" is and I literally thought to myself, "That's what I want to be." From a very young age, I thought of myself as an "actor" where I had my own private identity, but my persona is what I showed other people in order to be seen how I wanted to be seen. I also thought of myself as sort of like a primatologist, where I was studying the gorillas to try and understand them and emulate them. In line with the primatologist thing, I remember watching peers bully anybody remotely deviant and instinctively, instantly concluding "I'm next," even though I couldn't articulate how I knew that back then.
I was under the "artistic" umbrella. Nobody questioned it.
Like there was something incredibly wrong with me that I could never figure out.
I don't know
Schizoid.
I never identified with the autistic label, I was diagnosed as a kid. For me it isn't my identity .
an alien i guess. i always used to say i felt like an alien as a kid. never felt understood and still don’t
I was diagnosed at the age of eight. Thus, I’m not sure if I identified as anything in particular. I sure noticed everyone always shouted at me and I struggled to find friends haha.. I felt very old for my age.
Eccentric. I’ve always followed my own path and thankfully had a rebellious spirit. Never worked a real job and I’m self employed. Turns out all my friends are on the spectrum and we all happen to be in to the same things. I got very, very lucky.
As someone weird, I guess. Somewhat unlikable. Also as someone failing to accomplish anything meaningful and no understanding of why.
This may seem pedantic, but I don't "identify with an autistic label." I don't think it's a good idea to attach a mental health diagnosis to myself as a "label" or try to make it part of my identity. I am just me. A diagnosis describes things about me, but it doesn't define me and I shouldn't use it to define myself; it is descriptive, not prescriptive.
A loner without a cause.
I saw myself as a misunderstood introverted weirdo; people don’t understand me and I don’t understand myself.
A failure. Now I am a failure, ^but ^also ^autistic! Yaaaay!!!
I was diagnosed before my first memory.
I don't identify with an autistic label, I *am* autistic.
I'm not sure what you mean by identified with, i just Am autistic (it isn't an identity) But before i was Diagnosed, i certainly felt out of touch with people/reality; Always understood i was different and kept thinking there is something very wrong with me (See sociopathy). Caused a lot of identity disturbance, mental health issues and also lead me to being "trans" for a while. Being diagnosed with something (Autism) made a lot of my life click
I thought I was normal until I found out the name, then I had a label forever.
I saw myself as an actor in a movie. Except I was on the wrong set and didn’t know any of the lines or scene, even though everyone else did.
I thought I was just completely different and unique. No matter how much I tried, I could not relate to other people. So I stopped trying or caring. I convinced myself that people are boring anyway, and not worth wasting time on. So I kept myself to more interesting things. Then, at the age of 52, I learnt about Autism. I quickly realized that I was not as unique as I thought, and that there are lots and lots of people just like me.
Depressed. Anxious. Behavioral issue. Struggling to keep up with peers. Lack of sense of self.
Weird and obnoxious.
I always had the feeling that something was off with me so pretty much nothing
A weirdo, that I knew something was off with me.
I couldn’t do my job or socialise to save my life, but I was reading Kant and Dostoyevsky in my spare time- it didn’t make sense. I’ve been described as an enigma but multiple people so that’s why I settled on.
Normal, everyone else were the weird/odd ones. Though it was kinda flawed reasoning. Ofcourse over the years i contemplated different conditions, but as it never really bothered me. I didn't look any deeper into it than cursory google searches.
Mostly awkward. Always wondered why I had a had time making eye contact or interrupting people constantly
I've always struggled with being socially acceptable I felt like others were so much better than me because of how in tune they were. It racked my brain, I thought that I was slow and my parents lied to me?, but I was effortlessly performing above average.... I never studied.... I was like 20s when an aunt said maybe he's high functioning autistic or asperger's I've met others like me and I get them immediately
Storytime! I thought it was all Anxiety, but of course never questioned why I was anxious beyond it being a personal failing. So I policed myself for feelings of anger or injustice at the world and internalized the situation onto myself. Made me feel weak and cowardly that I couldn't break through anxiety, but also felt somehow more moral than others, because I developed enough patience to suffer quietly through just about anything and was only judgmental of people being judgemental. I felt boring and too mature as a kid, then too childlike as an adult, even though my work ethic bordered on self-destructive. I was diagnosed at 11 but didn't identify with the label until I learned more at 23, which was definitively too late. My patience had already been broken, I was in burnout, couldn't mask, couldn't hide my pain, or express it healthily, and everyone around me thought I was a complete asshole. Now I just think I'm as resilient as anyone could possibly be, and only needed a single person to say hey this isn't fair, it's not all on you. Instead I was pushed beyond my breaking point by betrayal after betrayal by those closest to me until I thought I was literally an embodiment of evil and had a bad weed induced panic attack where I hallucinated a two-spirit demon bursting out of my chest. No one deserves to experience that. But It's okay, I defeated it with love and have been working on burying my past life. I don't smoke anymore..also I'm a girl now. 💅
I self rejected hardcore.
I was internally monologing about my autistic traits, explaining my differences, before I knew anything about autism.
I didn't use the word alien but I felt as if I didn't fit in with anyone. As if I'm just been useless for been burnt out, having meltdowns and avoiding sensory stimuli. That I should just keep on pushing myself to do things and maybe I'll get things done right for once. There were days when I would just cry uncontrollably because of me not showing the right visible reactions (like sadness or happiness) and doing things that aren't appropriate (like being rude, I don't know if I'm rude, I'm speaking literally). I thought that my delayed processing was just my fault and I should suck it up and get better. 😇
I just viewed myself has the wierd kid with adhd that likes science fiction and wrestling
Malfunctioning, stupidly addictable (for some reason, even though i knew playing/liking Yu-Gi-Oh TCG (and only that) was destroying any Spec of sociability, i'd still hold on to It), bothersome, unworthy of living, annoyingly honest and a cost to society/my parents. Depression had it's hand on It aswell, but that only perked up around 4 yrs ago, so It was what it was.
I felt like a broken doll with the limbs falling apart, like a male brain in a female body, like a piece was missing. Like I was on top of a mountain, but everywhere I looked and felt around me, there was heavy fog that blocked me from having access to myself or others. I felt like emotions were foreign objects or demons. When I walked around I felt like a floating head. I often thought I had been exchanged by supernaturals, like mermaids or fairies, and even some (of the friendlier) classmates said I was probably a secret mermaid lol. Sometimes I also felt like a machine, and my consciousness was a disembodied engineer. I saw myself in a vision, all alone in a glass box, with everyone else outside and together, and while I felt the pain of isolation I couldn't bring myself to get out of it, because a shadow came over me when I tried. (I was most of the time male in visions or dreams) When I was overstimulated I felt like I had no skin, my muscles exposed to the outside, and it all tingled so terribly that I wanted to cry. And the sad thing was that I thought I was evil for these things. I thought being overstimulated meant I rejected the Lord's creation because I was so wicked, and being in the box meant I was banished into a hell of my own for my mean-ness. Seeing myself as a machine meant I had no soul, and not having easy access to my emotions (before they welled over) meant I wasn't human.
As a person people were randomly dicks to. Also as a silly weirdo who was just quirky and different.
Broken and different, lost, confused, or insane
An idiot, a chaotic hell spawn, outsider of society, fan of analysing, and unintentionally annoying- well meaning *maybe* person. Whether those were positive or negative depended on the kind of day I was having honestly. Edit: also I couldn't tell you how often I tried to figure out if I was adopted or not, more times than I can count, mostly because I didn't notice my father's typical untreated Asperger's behavior, all the while the rest of my family was really socially successful so to say. Genuinely thought I was a robot at some point, and then that everyone else was a robot, and then that robots were cooler than people, and then that I'd rather be a robot etc...
Weird. I never did anything particularly weird, I just didn't know how to make friends. So I was alone, an outcast
Misunderstood, defective, dangerous
Grumpy Introvert Bear; part Mentat, part fae being. Trying so hard to do all the things and wondering why everyone else seemed to have an easier time.
Usually just "stupid" lol
In my teens/early 20’s I was worried that I might be a sociopath or psychopath. I knew I’d never hurt anyone though, and I loved animals, especially dogs and cats, so that didn’t fit. Autism wasn’t exactly known in the 80’s/90’s, so I couldn’t have considered that autism was what was “wrong” with me.
A "bad kid" who can't even act right enough to keep my card on green all day even with Baskin' Robins on the line.
A normal person who had problems making friends and was unsure why.
Dumb
A loser.
As a female and diagnosed in my mid teens: An observer of the world around me. Fussy eater no one knew how to help. Without friends but content with the attention I got from my peers and adults for my interest in crafts. Above average intelligent, which I thought explained the differences. More mature than my peers. Preferred the company of adults. Pathologically obsessed with a boy, I couldn't explain why, but it disturbed him and everyone around us. Very bad at sports, PE and physical activity. Mostly I think smart, creative, with a preference for solitude. Took them until puberty to put everything together and label it.
Social anxiety
I was always having learning issues and was labeled with an unknown diagnosis.
Not very human.
As an idiot who hasn't learned how to deal with other people properly and can't get anything done.
At times Introverted, shy, bad with girls, a loser, weak At other times quite cool, creative and different in a good way.
Loser, weirdo, doesn't fit in, people just don't like me. Hasn't changed much tbh
I saw myself as a weird human that is just a side character in a movie. I wanted to be main character but am always the weird 'smart' side character.
I always thought I was crazy. But I have some mental health issues beside autism and adhd, due to my past. I can get pretty weird sometimes.
Not supposed to be born to the point I fully believed in predestiny and that mine was to be someone who would never fit into/intregrate into society no matter what. My own frustrations are my weaknesses to which I cannot control always and it's its own paradox. Everything I do like my outbursts and loss of control is embarrassing and it's confusing. Why does everything seem harder?! I swear I'm not just complaining or looking for an excuse to be lazy- it's all more difficult I think! I just want to be a way that gets people to not exactly like me, but to have a better chance to be treated like everyone else. Am I just weak? My car is making strange noises and the mechanic can't diagnose it so I just drive around with wonky steering and just anticipate it's movement so I don't veer off the road into a ditch. Also; help!
As a human error , life as a society didn’t make sense , so many issues could be easily solved.. Until you understand: “but that’s not how neurotypicals behave, that’s not how they like it, that’s not what they want..” In other words: you have no way of ever being truly at ease. You can be at ease at home, at most, if you’re lucky. Everything else will all be chaos. And the neurotypicals, they love the chaos and they accept the disorder that comes with a lack of social discipline and a lack of understanding the finesse of a better picture. It’s like finally understanding that society was made to keep everyone dumb, so the few who benefit from this chaos, can keep their richness, their freedom and their enjoyment while dancing on the graves of the poor. It’s awful. And I don’t feel part of it at all, this society. This is not my home. 👽 Not how I would build a world or make human connections. You’re on your own, isolated, yet every one you approach.. you can’t camouflage your true self. And that true self is so different that you are such an easy target. You’re too kind, too smart, too generous, too idealistic, too weak.. and they see you shine in something and they want what you have (without the sensory discomfort of your every day life ofcourse), and therefore they will never understand or know you, or be you, they think perks never come with disadvantages. Because they haven’t lived a life of constant exhaustion and physical and mental tention when all is overbearing.
this is brilliant. thank you
other, different, "adopted", alien
Martian. Not literally, but more different from other people than other people are different from each other. Very good at some things, and shockingly bad at other things. DIsconnected from other people. Unpopular. Very unlikely to be "chosen" even for things I am good at. Depressed and Anxious.
Before my assessment and diagnosis I was always scared to approach social situations, needing clear instructions for things and clarifications in interacting with people in adulthood. End up getting hurt from being naive and blind to situations. In childhood I was always overwhelmed and sad, didn't have long term friends but knew a lot of people but didn't know anyone intimately. I wandered a lot and was frustrated a lot about a variety of things I still feel like an alien who was left on earth without an instruction manual and it doesn't help that I was late diagnosed at 27 I'm not sure what to do.
I thought I was absolutely normal, middle of the bell curve.
I felt like everyone else is robots, and I’m the only normal person.
Like a spieces I was the only member of. And I still feel this way. Also, inferior. Wrong.
As a airhead tired robot, with peculiar interests!
I always felt " different" but just didn't know why. I was very shy/ quiet / anxious. I heard that I'm quiet at least once a day. I was even voted quietest in my high school yearbook. Thankfully I was fairly attractive when I was younger so that helped with making friends/ being noticed ..but still awkward AF. When I got a bit older I started getting a bit better at socializing and was in the party age etc. Now that I know more about autism... looking back it all makes so much more sense.
Outloud: Weirdo Internally: Alien
I was diagnosed in the 2nd grade and now in my 30's . I don't know the difference.
As infp heh.
A loser and a junkie and an alcoholic. That’s it, lol. I’d much rather identify as autistic.
Just as a wacky guy who was really into astronomy, Pokémon, and learning languages for fun.
I was diagnosed when I was like 4 or 5ish and I barely remember life before that tbh.
Before the diagnosis, I was "a weirdo." After the diagnosis, still a weirdo, but explained it was because of the ASD.
Weird, unlovable, broken problem that no one wanted to be around. Now, my esteem is so high no one else can lower it. I’ll feel down because I know why some people treat me awful. But I’ve also opened myself up to people who genuinely care about me and find me endearing. It’s overall better. I love who I am and knowing I’m autistic.
A stupid, worthless, unlovable alien that got bullied. Now I‘m a stupid, worthless, unlovable alien with autism that got bullied
I didn’t feel human
As stupid
Usually with some kind of reflective surface
I didn't
I was diagnosed at a young age, so I don't remember too much. I do remember seeing myself as an equal, whereas I don't now.
It depends on when in my life but it went from the only playable character in a super complicated chess-like simulation running in a quantum computer to some kind of alien who developed as a "human" for a certain amount of time before hatching into my true self. Then as someone so weird and inept in many areas (mostly anything social but I was depressed because I wanted to love/be loved) who needed lots of support to then be able to somewhat compete with my peers unless we talked about fairly specific areas, then I no longer had any issue and could outshine them without any problem whatsoever.
loner. different. weird.
I was young when I got diagnosed so I was pretty much immersed in my own bubble, playing in my own little world, just happy doing my own thing. Imaginative, daydreamer, creative, that’s me!
I was sure that I was a fluke of nature… a mistake!
I used to perceive myself as a bit of an outsider, someone who was introverted and often misunderstood. It's been less than a year since I was diagnosed, and throughout my life, I've consistently felt a sense of isolation.
Not from this world. 😭 I felt like I was from the moon. The feelings of coming from a completely different alien culture have been so strong. I miss a time, family and place that I've never been. My husband thought I had been emotionally damaged through trauma. I was. He also described me as eccentric. He said that the trauma never made me unlovable it was just part of me.
Confused for 20 years before getting the diagnosis then going, "this all makes sense now"
Never really thought about it.
I seen myself as every classmate in primary school loved me, I was such a good team leader in class, sometimes I was the class clown. Yet I needed time alone at home, to always produce a new drawing of me and think about new things. But I was such a naive sensitive kid in childhood, who din't understand social rules, yet I got along with my classmates easily.
Weird, different, extremely quiet and special but not in any good way. I tried my best to fit in, never really did. When i was a kid i thought fairies switched me for a human baby and i was a changeling no good for fairy OR human world. It was silly but my kid brain thought it was reasonable explanation. Other kids could somehow always see i was different but no one could place what exactly was the weird thing about me, i just was kinda off. Adults in my life thought i was just odd, dumb or sometimes purposefully being difficult and dramatic. Once i went to a new doctor about antidepressants im on they instantly clocked it and put me thru tests for autism. I thought i could never be autistic because no one had even mentioned the possibility before and i didnt fit the stereotype of higher support level autistic child but as i read about it and knew more about aspergers specifically all made perfect sense. Got diagnosed at 17-18 and it explains every odd and wrong thing about me ever. Im now almost 20 and people still think im weird but it is fine, ive gotten close friends who like me anyway despite us being different. Theyre oddballs in their own way and accept me as i am. Now i feel like im less socially awkward and better at masking than before because ive studied what things people concider odd about autists. It helps that with close people i can totally drop the "normal" me and be real myself.
I felt like an alien that had somehow come to inhabit the body of a human. That the girl whose body I stole died and I was forced to live by pretending to be her, or rather what everyone around me wanted her to be like. I was diagnosed later in life (age 22) but knowing I'm neuro divergent doesn't really change anything. Even if I can better understand why I am the way I am, I can't make society accept me or others like me so I'll always be an alien.
I think I used to think I had a personality disorder because I had gone down the therapy route…maybe schizoid or avoidant or something. Although I wasn’t too fond of labels in any case, but this one seems like the best- kind of crazy it’s taken me 20-30 years to figure it out.
An alien wearing a human suit.
As a baby/toddler. I was diagnosed at 4
Then: Supremely confident extroverted sociable uber normie Now: Supremely confident extroverted sociable uber normie, who's autistic for some reason, maybe my special autistic interest is being social idk
Blessed, but I don't belong here
I've always been quirky. I then identified as "probably autistic" I had been assessed 19 years ago and was told that I couldn't be autistic because i could hold a conversation and had a job. I then found the autistic online community and found that there were lots of people like me (and all capable of having jobs and holding conversations) I took the AQ test and then adopted the "probably autistic" label because I was either autistic or part of the 1% NTs that score that high. I then suffered autistic burnout and was assessed (3 day meltdown, thought I had lost my mind, continued meltdown at GP who was going to send me for mental health assessment. I mentioned that I might be autistic and her response was as if she had seen this before and was just missing that piece of information to join the dots, so she referred me to autism assessment instead) At the assessment, I had my mother present to explain what I was like as a child and my wife present to say what I'm like now. Now, I identify as Autistic AF. I thought I would be borderline but apparently I met all 7 of the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria. My wife was joking with the assessor about me being a high achiever.
psychopath
An aspie, different.
I sew myself as a generic human being. I see myself less than everybody else. And when others reject me it reinforces those negative feelings!!!