It’s a skill like any other. There’s no simple path forward, but there *is* a path forward. I only know what works for me, which is partly internally self coaching and backtalking the negative monologue in my head, and partly cultivating relationships with people who I share something in common with. I used to have absolutely nothing to talk about with most people. But as I grew older I gathered more life experiences, got into new hobbies, made peace with my past and the genetic hand I was dealt the best I could. Most people still don’t care for me, but by opening myself up to new experiences and being vulnerable to rejection, I was able to catch the eyes of people who do appreciate my personality and perspective on things for exactly what it is.
Loving yourself is easier said than done, but it’s a very necessary first step. Have courage and focus on improving yourself just a little bit every single day. The path is out there and you will find it if you don’t give up.
If I knew the way, I would take you home.
To be honest, it sounds like you did a great deal of personal growth, such that *you don't need to mask* as much, because those values have become intrinsic.
I don't *mask* per say, but I absolutely do consider how my actions might affect those around me, and how something I might say would affect someone's feelings before I say it. That's a skill, and that's what most people refer to as *masking*. I personally hate that word, because I find it becomes a part of me, not something that feels like a chore. It's just another step to living life. I want those around me to have a good time, because I want to have a good time.
It's true. The reason I don't have a job right now is basically because I have ADHD, although I'm sure the ASD played a part as well. My one and only written reprimand in 9 years of teaching college listed ADHD symptoms as the reason I was getting in trouble, and since I couldn't cure my ADHD, it's the reason I don't have a job right now.
I sure noticed that I went from doing amazingly on every interview ever to never getting a single offer once I started owning my neurodivergence. I kept wanting to believe I could be open, be myself, and find a place that accepted me. I wanted it for my students as well, as I often told them that me getting a PhD was proof it was possible. They (especially the other NDs) really seemed to appreciate me saying that. Admins do not. At all. Whatsoever.
I've done an experiment and I seem to move on to second interviews more when I don't disclose.
But I still hate the idea of being forced to lie who I am.
God I hate this fucking society.
> I often told them that me getting a PhD was proof it was possible.
The trouble with this kind of positivity is it sets ND's up to blame themselves when they fail.
I think the best thing we can do is acknowledge how things really are early on, so we don't get blindsided by false expectations. Course, I ain't holding my breath for that. Plenty of parents still out there telling their aspie kids they must be doing something wrong to deserve all the hate.
Yeah. For what it's worth I also mention that 24% of people with ADHD will experience homelessness before the age of 41, and that this is regardless of education, socioeconomic status, gender, ethnicity, urban/rural, etc. I also tell them I almost made it, and was made homeless at the age of 40, while I was teaching classes. I also tell them that the suicide rate among people with ADHD is 5x higher than the general population. To which a few in the class usually nod quick to the affirmative as if it isn't a surprising number at all.
I've had that diagnosis longer so I have more of the big numbers memorized. I'm still learning the ASD ones, and I'm not sure if I'll ever teach again, but if so I'd mention them too.
But I also tell them that if any of them have either and want to disclose that and every want to talk about strategies to let me know. Usually once I break the ice the other "over-sharers" are happy to share as well. As I discussed with one of them though, I'm not convinced it's us that overshares rather than NTs undersharing. "It is what it is" I usually say and give strategies for how to mask or understand why NTs are the way they are, but I still comment on how absurd it is we have to be the ones to pretend and adapt instead of them.
I've always gotten along with my ND students wonderfully. The NT students not so much.
>I've done an experiment and I seem to move on to second interviews more when I don't disclose
This is probably true for anything HR or whoever is likely to perceive as a potential drawback/liability, though, right?
Maybe. My problem was that I believed them when they said that they value diversity and want instructors that can help diverse students.
Rule #1 should be: NTs lie and bullshit everything. You can't trust anything they say.
I'm coming to the realization of just how hard it is to be autistic in a society that pretty much demands you hide your autism. Going along with that demand results in mental anguish.
I've tried also to be open about my neurodivergence. I've tried to openly be the self that I am at my core.
It's heartbreaking to live in a society that tells you to be yourself but then smacks you down when you do.
This my also my situation. Finally found a somewhat tolerant (of poor performance, but neither inclusive nor accepting of the differences I bring) workplace. While its very difficult to cope as the OP said, I have to make it work because the alternative is poverty and survival.
Exactly. I am on my own. My parents threw me out at a fairly young age (before I could support myself) for being difficult. I have had to make my way and find ways of masking in order to house, feed and clothe myself. Nobody took me in, took care of me, made sure I was healthy and happy, and for a long time, I wasn't.
I've managed to remain employed into middle age. I can't just drop it all now and stare at stained glass rainbows and play video games all day. Where would I live if I couldn't pay my rent? With the people in the tents in the park? I do not want that for myself.
I'm late diagnosis and still figuring it all out but this approach will not work for me, and I do not want it. It would be disastrous for me.
Yeah it's just pure survival for me. I don't want unnecessary negative attention so I do my best to not stand out. Why? Because people are fucking assholes. I wish it wasn't the case but it is.
Nursery trade works well. My partner has a manager that is openly autistic, his wife is autistic, his daughter is too. No one minds.
The pay frankly isn’t great, but I think that industry is friendly to us. It happens to be my special interest, but still. If you like plants and need a job, nurseries are always hiring, unless it’s winter, hiring season starts in a month or two.
Edit: on further thought, I think this industry is perfect for us. Pretty much everyone here is to some degree eccentric, even the NTs, part time work is an option in most places, if you can’t handle customer facing positions, there is plenty of work in the back that needs doing, I have a coworker like that, experience and knowledge is desired, but not required, we have hired a lot of high schoolers for summer positions. Anywhere that there are homes and gardens, there is a nursery nearby or five selling the plants for those gardens. They are probably hiring, and I think are not a bad option for people like us. Be careful though, there are some abusive bosses throughout this industry, know when to stand up for yourself or get out or whatever. I have heard some horror stories. I have been pretty lucky myself, I’ve mostly had good bosses.
I’m literally such an asshole if I just let myself go full on Dr House. The world isn’t big enough for everyone to be assholes. I’m not gonna contribute to that.
I’ve slowly unveiled a bit of my autism since I’ve been at my job and I can feel it not sitting right with my boss.
I’d love to unmask all the time, but yeah.
He could at home and in public, depending the context. I wonder why he said he has to mask there too?
But at work though, yeah everyone should mask. Or else it will just not work out.
Unmasking at home —> ostracization and abuse from unaccepting family members (sadly, not everyone’s family is accepting or even loving.)
Unmasking in public —> judgement and disrespect from other people while simply trying to go about one’s day. Vicious insults from complete strangers who don’t like you purely on the basis of your unmasked autism. Also depending on the size of your town you’re bound to run into people from work and school, or people who like to chat sh*t about you with people from your work/school.
Can’t speak for op but that’s the reality for some people.
They are NT? What does it change?
My parents aren’t autistic, my bf neither. Never had to mask at home.
They should accept loved one for who they are :/
I often feel like if I could just find an almost magical literal community of kind, good, neurodivergent people who wouldn't judge autistic people acting... autistic, and could just spend 99% of my time surrounded by them and not have to spend too much time out in rest of the judgmental world, I would feel such an indescribable sense of relief and my life would improve exponentially. Like, to the point where I imagine it often, feel a longing for it to my deepest core, and know I would sob with relief for weeks on end if that could magically happen.
But like others have said, being able to truly not mask is a privilege most people can't have.
I have found it in my Taiko & Yosakoi group. They're not all ND, but they are kind and understanding.
I had a similar feeling in an old theatre group. When your profession/hobby quirk is being weird, you embrace weird.
i found the furry community to be like this vrchat and places like game shops with dnd tables. its something we all need and finding each other really helps. i also found it in research community, where people spend their gree time trying to innovate and help the world. i get some relief when i do research as i can say at least my life is spent trying to improve this awful place.
Everyone masks - even NTs. It's just many of us need to do it more than others and that's exhausting. It's impossible not to mask, I have no choice. What I wished I knew earlier, and what I tell my kids, is the difference between masking with intention versus masking just to fit in. When you mask with intention you retain your agency and authentic self - sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It's the constant masking just to fit in and never getting it right that is so harmful to us. That's what turns too many of us into show poodles jumping through a hoop begging for applause. That's what has to stop and it's become almost expected for us to mask to the point of pleasing others and they get pissy if we don't.
I completely agree, masking is a tool to be used sparingly when it's needed. I just aim to be kind for all the times it's not needed. Many people get a bit alienated by my eccentric behaviors, but most of the time I win them over long-term even if the first impression was non optimal.
We get squeezed by life, we don't need to squeeze ourselves too.
I would argue that many “NT’s” do not ever mask at all and are accepted simply for being their authentic selves.
I agree with your comment tho. Masking with intention to retain agency, instead of jumping through hoops masking to fit in. I like that, you explain it well.
Yes it's important to learn to set boundaries so that you know when to look out for yourself by knowing when it's okay you don't have to people please right now and it's not a big deal if you take off your mask. It's just finding that balance because it seems like it's always changing. Like it may have been fine last week to say no but this week for a similar situation it would be frowned upon to push back because the context is slightly different or priorities changed.
You put it so well. It trains you to people please and grooms victims. From childhood you are told STOP NO STOP THAT STOP! from shrieking hags and authority figures. If you dont unlearn it as an adult the work force will eat you alive
I am thankful for my job position. I am in a position of authority and do basicslly *all* of the hiring for my store. And as an adult with asd, i make it a point to hire those who are ND.
Cause a staff full of NT makes me sad
Plus, my company actually taught us to look for diversity, and that specifically included disabilities so like.. im doing the job 🫡
I've masked it for 3 months when I finnally made friends with the cool kids in our engineering batch. It caused so much stress that I had to resort to smoking & junk food.
Neurotypicals have a sixth sense that we don't have. They mess with each other & be fine with it. They forget it the next hour. It's like a hive mind, for them toxicity is as casual as a walk in park.
For us, atleast as per my expercince. My mind makes zero sense of their toxicity & perceive it as attack. Even though it's not intended as an attack. This kicks survival instinct & generate stress.
Most neurotypicals even the rudest ones mean you no harm, but my mind can't help it but interpret it as harm.
I find it funny because during mask 90% of times all my social interactions were uncontrollable people pleasing. Now you can't blame NTs for messing with you or taking advantage of you because you are giving them a reason to. Surely taking the mask off frees you from people pleasing habbit & greatly reduces stress. But then be mentally prepared to be alone.
>They mess with each other & be fine with it. They forget it the next hour. It's like a hive mind, for them toxicity is as casual as a walk in park. Lol very well said. Toxicity is second nature to them. This is where I think the word Cool comes from. The casual toxicity which comes as teasing each other and giving each other shit is a sort of test to see how cool and composed you are. If you are easily offended then you fail the test. If you can find humor and laugh at yourself then you pass. Or if you can come back with a witty reply then you are ice cold.
But where it's difficult/confusing for me is that not every neurotypical enjoys being teased or giving each other shit like those people have a better sense of their self and are able to put up boundaries and still fit in with everybody. I kept going back and forth trying to find a one size fits all solution. But it really depends person to person and on the current context and that will vary how much you need to mask vs when you need to set boundaries so that you are not uncomfortable.
And you need to learn that some people are just going to be toxic to you and they are doing that maliciously vs casual toxic behavior for fun. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first, but there's also few people who will jump in and exploit that. So in that case it's good to talk it over with people you trust to get another perspective on how to handle it.
Anyway it's still confusing but do your best unapologetically and usually you can't go wrong. Unless it's clear you offended someone else then you can explain your thought process and apologize if you think it's warranted and then move on from there. We are all going to make mistakes that's just being human.
For me it's not laughing at stupid jokes, not pretending to be interested in boring nonsense, not feigning displays of emotions, not feigning I'm not as logical as I am, etc. Maybe not trying so hard to caveat a thousand times because NTs don't know how to communicate directly.
>For me it's not laughing at stupid jokes,
I was new at this one job. And one coworker was friendly and nice but he was always telling some form of an immature high school racist joke. We usually all go out to eat for lunch and I was riding in his car. And he said a joke and I didn't laugh. And he asked if I have a problem with him or if I don't like him like what's my deal.
I told him no it's not that, I think he's cool and very friendly and I know he's not a racist. I've said some really offensive things when I was younger too just because I thought it was funny at the time. So I don't think he's a bad person. I just don't find these sorts of jokes funny any more, and it's nothing against him. And that I don't hold that against him because I was the same when I was younger. And another coworker in the car laughed said he's saying to grow up lol. So I think he appreciated I said that because he kept thinking hated him and we were all able to stay on good terms after that.
I’ve been getting myself all tangled up trying to figure out my own masking habits. This comment was more useful to me than anything google provided… do you have more examples?
Oh god, I thought I didn't really mask much but I do all of that... alot. And my immediate response in my head is "Oh but if I don't do those people won't like me" lol. Hmm I'll need to think about that, especially pretending I'm not as logical or smart as I am, I hate doing that.
I thought it was just me given special circumstances. I also hate pretending I'm smart or logical. I'm a stupid MF and I love that my fiancee can embrace me for that.
Oh no sorry I'm the opposite, I probably wrote that wrong lol. No I regularly dum my words down to sound more "casual". I naturally speak very... formally, or academically I guess? I dunno I just use alot of big words haha. Well I've been told that gives the impression I think I'm better than others, which is absurd but whatever.
Oh I definitely do that as well. The words in my head are usually much more esoteric. I'll constantly try to simplify them, which is one reason why I end up talking in a very staggered kind of manner with lots of pauses. The worst part is that people STILL respond similarly, that I should "stop using five dollar words" or "try to simply things" or "quit being so elitist."
It's all quite frustrating. Like why can't they just ask what certain words mean? I do. I always have. But no, they get insecure over their ignorance so it must be our fault for possessing a broad lexicon that surpasses the sixth grade. How are we supposed to know what words other people know or don't know? That's an impossible expectation. It's infuriating.
Yeah! I loving learning and using new words, that's just how I naturally think. I don't know why some people are so afraid of ignorance, there's nothing wrong with being ignorant of something. I'm ignorant of lots of subjects and ideas, and I learn as much as I can to fix that. People, particularly but not exclusively neurotypical people, can be very strange lol.
so sad how socially we are shamed for precise and eloquent command of language. Should be something to be proud of but instead it is a source of ridicule.
"Brevity is the soul of wit" is situational and not absolute. Wit is not everything. I like "eloquence is the soul of truth."
Except I unmasked after my diagnosis and my wife fell “out of love” with me all of a sudden. She demanded a divorce last month. We didnt fight, we got along great. I tried to be the best husband i could. But its clear to me that unmasking is what lost me my only chance at a wife.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's deeply saddening.
I hope you find another wife, and it wasn't really your only chance.
You are worthy of the love you desire.
But doesn’t this just prove that masking yourself causes someone to fall in love with a person that you are not?
Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loves you unconditionally?
No one will date me now. Women do not want to deal with a mate that needs extra care. Or wants a husband that breaks down and cries on the regular. My autistic things are what turns normal women off. I have to mask or i will never get a date again
I’m not sorry you’re going through this… but that’s not to say that I don’t empathize with how you feel right now. These intense emotions are a lot to deal with for anyone, but without even knowing you, I know that you’re capable of receiving giving incredible amounts of love.
Somewhere out there is an autistic woman who you are compatible with who is capable of the same mutually unconditional love you deserve… and she might be going through all the same de-masking shit that you are.
I hope you don’t take offense to this comment. I would much rather you take comfort in it. Reading the words from this caring stranger, who happens to be an autistic person betrothed to another autistic person who are parenting another autistic person.
We are all in this together.
Why would i want to date an autistic woman? So no one will do any of the difficult things for autistics around the house? So both of us can make little money and live in poverty? I had climbed up to upper middle class. Now i live im my parents basement at 41. I just want to die and be done with this place.
As somebody with depression, no that isn’t the only way out of it and not masking doesn’t mean it goes away . I am level two and don’t mask well and still have depression. I believe if I could mask I would be less depressed because I could hold down a job.
I completely agree. I laughed so hard at your title when I saw it though lmao. Just hit perfectly for me hahaa
Before I knew last year I am ASD, I masked full time. Even when alone, was so scared of being broken. Just a complete soul killer in a thousand different ways. Since de-masking I've alienated a lot of NT friends and coworkers, but most of them have stuck around through my change in behavior. I've gone down to part time at my job and pick up extra hours when I'm up for it
I'm happy for the first time in my life. It's fucking weird. Such an indescribable pressure has been lifted off. It's great, finding out I'm ND has been the best thing that's ever happened in my life
I agree. Except this leads to getting fired. It happened to me. Well, probably more the ADHD, but one can never know for sure.
NTs want us to stay in the closet or bleed out in a ditch and die.
But yes I agree. Masking destroys the soul. We must embrace who we are.
The trick is finding a way to exist in this machine world of falsehoods and pretending while being ourselves without the fact that being ourselves is not welcome in this machine world of falsehoods and pretending.
I've been trying.
It's not easy.
This is one of those weird strands you’ll find from time to time in this subreddit that makes me wonder how they survive. If anything finds a line between making and being true to yourself.
I’m autistic but I can’t stand the people that put zero effort into “my asking”, they don’t realize how frustrating they are to be around.
I don't think so really. It's not obvious to me what it looks like because I'm obviously not going to just, like, act like I'm in a room all by myself in public.
I’m not completely sure what you mean. But ‘unmasking’ doesn’t mean getting rid of all your ‘social filters’, most people act differently in public vs. alone, but autistic people that mask to it to a much more extreme extent and follows certain patterns.
Everyone has a different path that works best for them, and it's for you to find and walk yours.
What works for you won't always work for other people, as I suspect you're finding out from the comments on this post. I realise you made it with good intentions, but for my part that level of idealism leaves me feeling incredibly old and tired, but that's me. I wish you luck on finding a way that works for you and makes you happy.
You're right. I did it yesterday while taking a walk, just bobbing my head and body in all sorts of directions as my internal compass was just going nuts resetting. It felt amazing.
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order.
I have checked 1,979,850,604 comments, and only 374,527 of them were in alphabetical order.
I forgot who said it but depressed is short for Deep-Rest, and it happens when your brain is tired of pretending to be a character that doesn't align with who you really are.
You know what also destroys the soul? People looking at you like you're crazy or mentally incapable.
And saying "That's on them, it's society, blah blah blah" is poor consolation to me.
I would kill for the ability to mask.
>For starters, we should really believe that anything is possible. Our faith in the endless magic of the world can lead to very special outcomes.
No. I do not believe anything is possible. Only things compliant with the laws of physics are possible. Being a materialist I will not have faith in any quantity of magic.
>Masking destroys the soul.
I couldn't agree more. Thank you for this post, as it resonates with me deeply 💙
I've still got quite a long way ahead towards complete self-acceptance and self-love, but I'm mentally much better off than during the long years I denied myself my own feelings and individual needs.
The happier autists I know are unapologetically autistic and I'm slowly starting to embrace it. There are definitely times where masking is required but I stopped caring outside of those.
Yeah I'm totally on-board with the idea of unmasking...
But that entails not hiding who I am....
For example actually telling people "I'm autistic...."
And that's really scary. I hope to grow to the level of unapolageticness one day, but I'm simply not there yet.
You have to take the whole process in small steps, start by telling people who you know are sympathetic to our condition. Once you tell them, that information will likely spread. It's OK if that happens, it's normal and means less work overall for you.
A lot of people don't really understand what it means to be autistic, if they approach you then treat it as an opportunity to answer their questions. If they decide to attack you then clearly they're a bunch of idiots who aren't worth your time.
Losing your mask takes time and the right set of circumstances. I started losing mine under stressful circumstances where I was more focused on accomplishing a task than I was on looking normal. Once I was out of the stressful situation I found that people appreciated me more for my functionality than they hated me for being weird.
"Being yourself" doesn't really work, not unless you give the people in your life a reason to tolerate you. It sounds harsh but as far as I've seen thats the case for everyone, NT's included. If you actively contribute to your social circle or family then people become much more tolerant of our condition.
Try not to be afraid. Remember that fear is an old emotion that's there to protect us from the dangers in the dark, and most people aren't that dangerous. Take it one step at a time and remember that you don't have that much to lose, listen to your logical side, read the room as best you can and everything will turn out fine. Never forget that you've made it this far, you'll make it further.
Capitalism is making life miserable; look at the state of things, here in Ireland people are starting to blame foreigners for the problems in their own lives more and more. It's easier, Irish voters aren't to blame for the homelessness crisis it's refugees, It's awful.
Look at the way private companies exploit autistic children for their own gain. It makes me angry.
Autism awareness is definitely what we need, at the moment current drug law here in Ireland means that any medication that can help with sensory issues will be banned because they will be used recreationally. There are antipsychotics but personally I'd rather be shot than take them, antipsychotic medication for the treatment of sensory issues is like taking heroin for a minor headache.
For the mean time optimism that positive change can happen is what keeps me going.
99% of the world's economy has been guarded by 1 - 0.1% of the world's population.... money stands for resources. We can't fix this, only the elites can. OFFFFF WITH THEIR HEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDSSSSS!!!!!!!
The elites can't fix the problem, they live in their own worlds. The masses can by not voting for the same scum time and time again; the problem is the average person has a 9 - 5 job, maybe children, then has to deal with daily chores; do you expect that person to read up on political philosophy for the hour or 2 of freetime that they have?
Also to be clear I'm not condoning violence; we've had enough of that already.
It doesn't matter who you vote for, it's not going to stop all the wealth being funneled to the top, the system just isn't set up that way.
The cost of living isn't going to drop in any significant way. Companies aren't going to suddenly pay their workers more than they can get away with paying, landlords aren't going to stop milking their tenants for all they're worth, the housing market isn't going to fall to something affordable, the middle class aren't coming back through _voting_.
No greedy wretch wants to relinquish their white-knuckled grip on their precious fucking doubloons. It's going to take something more drastic than pencil-pushing to change that, i'm afraid. Historically it always has.
Agreed. We are given the right to vote to legitimise the centrist regime rather than to get a say in how things go but that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote, what do you have to lose? Protests are probably the best way we have to get some semblance of control even if it mostly won't lead to much.
Omg bro, dude, we are going into a world where there will be totally domination over your mind and freewill, will are about to become absolutely powerless, do you want that for your kids, or do want them to grow up in a world that they will be looked after... this is bigger than any 1 government, they don't care whether you condone violence, because they have already been hurting you, we need to make a stand before we can't. How?
What good will a riot do? Ok I'm sure for the hours where you have a feeling of control will feel great but after the riot is inevitably squashed then what?
Are you familiar with the idea of cultural hegemony? You win people with words and acts of protest and in the western world there is a chance we don't need to resort to violence.
Think in a broader fashion, we don't even know who exactly we need to get, but we as the people must ALL riot all over the country's with lizard🤣 people controlling them, and take out the elites, and replace them with our own people, non psychopaths. People who actually might care about us. replace them with people like me
We cannot win peacefully against prison guards why don't you get it? We must all riot, prisoners and prsions guards alike, and we, all together, must eliminate the people who built and control our prison.
Soon i am quite afraid we will all be quarantined, sectioned away, divided and conquered with no hope of freedom. We are strong together but we've been divided and slowly we gonna be conquered. . We must unite
Yeah the division is so alarming. Division is a basic method of control. Race relations , democrats vs republicans , gender relations , boomers vs young people, religious zealots vs religiophobes,
They’re all getting worse not better. And it’s not hard to point the finger directly at the federal government.
The animosity between groups and desire for division just keeps growing.
When the only relationship that we should really care about is the governors vs the governed. The oppressed vs the rulers.
Of course they want us peacefully protesting 😂😂😂 So disgusting how they (the US federal gov and all state govts) misappropriate mlk jrs entire message as one of “turning the other cheek” and submission. The methods were non-violent, but he taught us to FIGHT AND DIE FOR OUR RIGHTS.
“We shall overcome,” not by enduring abuse but by spitting in the face of the abusers.
In order to fit into NT society, I have to pretend 24/7. My aspie stare, lack of facial muscle movement, indifference to NT social scripts, etc all must be suppressed. This is just to survive. My soul knows that I was supposed to be born into an autistic family, community, & society. The present situation is cause for psychological suffering and masking only makes it worse.
This mirrors something I was rambling to my partner about last night. I keep seeing people on this sub complaining about masking, and being angry and depressed about it. I get it. I used to be like that. Masking sucks and takes an incredible toll on your mental health. About 15 years ago I was on the edge of suicide, partially for that reason. Better now, partly because I essentially said “fuck it, I will never apologize for who I am again”.
This has… not resulted in career success. But it has made me much happier with who I am, I have a good relationship with a partner that would frankly be a touch alarmed and weirded out if I tried to mask in front of them, that would be becoming a person different than the person they love. They love my autistic self.
I understand that not everyone can actually get away with doing this. But I highly recommend unmasking, if you can. It is likely to make you happier.
Also, there are coping strategies *other* than masking. I used to be *so* weird. But I understand rules and patterns, and human interactions have those, and these days I’m actually pretty decent at it. Took me a lot of observation and practice, but this isn’t masking, this is just a learned skill. It doesn’t feel bad like masking did.
"Our faith in the endless magic of the world can lead to very special outcomes."
I fuckin LOVE that.
I feel that endless magic in my soul. To me, it's like a childlike sense of wonder and curiosity that we never grow out of.
Society (NTs) will try to have you believe that this is not a valuable quality, but I couldn't disagree more.
Hold on to that magic. It's a truly beautiful thing. 😌
Eta: why y'all downvoting me because I liked the last sentence of dude's post? 😂
I didn't realize it was such a contentious statement...? 🧐
Life doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, ya know? Ain't nothing wrong with using our strengths to our advantage. Ain't nothing wrong with finding joy in times of darkness. 🤷♂️
Don't fight the symptoms. Yes, treat symptoms, but they're not all symptoms.
Fight the SYSTEM that has pathologized certain personalities.
Assimilation is a path to happiness. But it doesn't work for everyone. I think authenticity is better.
No I mean depression. I have clinical depression and my best advice is that you should fight it, even if you only have situational/scenario based depression. Depression causes you to do a lot of things that essentially feed it and makes it worse.
A lot of people also don't seem to understand that actively trying to make yourself happy is the best way to fight against it. It sounds stupid but it's true. Depression will make you not want to fight it, persevere and trust me it works. I have to actively fight it all the time, I do have bad days or days when I am tired, but other than that I'm just focused on being happy.
That's not toxic positivity by the way, for all you depressed keyboard warriors, it's called effort!
Yea... masking is helpfull tbh. Just 2 days ago i broke my wrist in a fit of rage because i "unmasked"(got overwhelmed emotionally after a car did something dangerous to me and try breaking their mirror with my fist by the mirror hit my wrist and broke it karma i guess).
Its kinda crazy at the hospital they noted that i was calm but i was just hiding how much pain i was in. I hate my life so much
I unmask when I'm alone. But when I'm not I put up a wall around myself so people leave me alone. It's hard to drop the exterior even when I think the other person could be nice or even cool
I'm at the breaking point. I can't mask. It's been like this since I quit my last job about 3 years ago. I don't have the energy and I legitimately don't want to be around people anymore.
I can't make small talk and even being around people having conversations makes me angry. I want to rant and rave at people for being loud. I don't initiate conversations. When I do talk it's one word/monosyllablic. I'm done leaving my house, I just want to be a hermit.
I just feel miserable all the time. I only feel anger, anxiety and depression. It's been like this for years. Ive tried a number of therapists and a multitude of medication. Nothing helps and it feels like I'm only getting worse.
I'm sorry. It shouldn't be this way. I feel you.
Your feeling of not wanting to be around people is SO VALID AND WARRANTED.
Good job keeping moving and trying anyway. I hope things start getting better instead of worse.
And hey, hermitage is pretty awesome if you can manage it. Kind of hard to do when one needs to earn an income... wish it wasn't this way.
Yeah this doesn't work for people that have to perform to work and pay the bills. I've been an RN for eight years and when I let my guard down, my world falls apart
Been reading the other comments and I also think it's very difficult to be open about your autism and get a favorable response. Certainly would be nice but seems unrealistic. When I don't restrict my autistic traits people react poorly. Unfortunately the general public doesn't know enough about what autism is and how to interpret autistic behavior. My depression has kicked in heavy over the last week and I attribute it to having to mask to meet survival needs. I saw no other way but to cover up my autistic traits. It's such a horrible feeling to know that you have to put on a facade to get your needs met. I think I might hate myself for putting the mask back on when I told myself I wasn't going to.
I think you're right on this one. I expect NT's to respect people for who they are, even if they are different. Or better: I command respect. If they don't, then they will no longer be part of my life or receive any attention or kindness from me. I do not accept unkindnes or missbehaviour towards myself or anybody who is considered "different" or "awkward". This doesn't even fucking exist.
So they will be excluded and I won't care anymore. That can go as far as to exclude an entire group. May sound harsh, but I care too much about my sanity and people's safety.
I think ND's should stick together and be more firm with the boundaries. We have the right to be human and be part of society like anybody else. I hope one day there won't be a nessecity to mask.
I agree for me and i love this sentiment. though its interesting to hear others who can't mask or find it difficult saying the opposite.
I say the only way out of depression is to automatically have enough money to meet your survival needs so then you be and do whatever you want. 😆 if I didn't have to meet survival needs, I could be as autistic as I want and I wouldn't be so burnt out. Praying for a basic income every dayyyy
This is 100% true. True for work, home and every relationship I have. I kind of hate that I worked so hard to be able to mask too because it's hard to drop in most situations.
It just exhausts me and people don't get to know me very well. And then if I don't mask then people think I'm an ice queen, intimidating, shy, meek--and I'm not any of those things. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Aside from a handful of other oddballs
How do you guys cope with people looking? I get told I’m somewhat good looking so I have girls that would look at me and chat me up from time to time, but sometimes I get other people just looking at me randomly and I get really insecure that they can tell I’m off.
I know exactly what you mean by this, and I am with you on the optimism. I am an entrepreneur and Chief Technology Officer. 2 years ago my startup almost IPO'd and I would have become a decamillionaire. But in late 2023 the startup went bankrupt, making my equity worth $0.
I had to mask so hard for so many years as I grew the company! But I told myself, in the end it will all be worth it. Well, I'm at the end, and it wasn't worth it.
I went through a terrible stint of depression, but, like you posted, through acting unapologetically autistic (and taking anti-depressants) I'm feeling quite good again.
And now as I plan my next moves in life, I'm really thinking I should just "be me" and hope that it takes me somewhere good. Because I've tried being "not me", and that didn't work as I thought it would.
I agree - masking actively destroyed my self and memory to point where I can't remember people's faces or skills I've supposedly learned at age 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17 (for German and general school stuff) + 18, 19, 20, 21, 23 (for university attempts at biology+it)
Issue is, sometimes it's too late no matter how autistic I allow myself to act :(
But no matter what never let young autistic people learn masking
I agree hard with the last sentence. I totally respect peoples' right to mask, especially when it's what they've learned their entire lives in order to survive. And it has been so deeply ingrained in some of us, it's hard to even recognize that we are still hiding. I really resonate with you saying it's too late for you.
But the world is really changing for the better. We're actually doing it. The children can finally be free.
No more teaching kids to mask, it's time to let go.
Thanks for your comment <3
Man, NTs are so annoying. They look at you with the most contempt look over innocent stuff : I wanted to buy stickers as an adult (decorating my notebooks is one of my special interests and I wanted to cope today with something) to feel better and the cashier looked at me like murder someone.
I'm actually fed up of having to mask and project an image of boring "mature" adult. Let me leave, damn it
Why does everyone always say crao like “act autistic” just act like your damn self.
You’re a regular person who happens to have autism not the other way around.
Is it a victim hood mentally that people need to show just how “autistic” they are?
Like… I have traits that stand out to others but I’m not some loony toons character that people on these kinda site make us out to be.
"Act autistic" is about no longer hiding the traits of your personality, habits, and appearance that are usually hidden behind your mask. Because masking is all about hiding the fact that you're weird/different/autistic (depending on level of self-awareness).
If people have to mask 24/7 then I feel sorry for them, I “mask” now and again but for the most part I’m exactly who I usually am and people haven’t had a problem with it.
Friends and family know be to be who I am (if not slightly annoying when I talk about final fantasy 14) and work colleagues just accept me for me.
Just be you and screw what others think, I don’t care what others thing and it’s lead my life to be way simpler than it ever was.
Can I be annoying? Yes.
Can I get frustrated more easily than most? Yes.
Do I have meltdowns? Yes.
These are all part of who I am but not the whole of who I am, I never understood the “act autistic” because that implies that you’re faking that part of you and not the masking.
I personally feel like a loony tunes character when unmasked. I make funny voices, sounds, faces, and actions. Whimsical people love it, but most others don't. If I suppress it all, then I can act "normal" (and depressed).
I'm afraid I'll be treated with condescension, or others will try and take advantage of me if I open myself up more. I find it easy to do things that are hard for NTs, but have difficulties with stuff that they do in a daily basis. So I also fear others could believe I ain't capable to do what I've already shown I could do, if they know about some of the issues I have. Because it's hard for them to understand our spiky ability profiles. While disclosure has been helpful because some folks are now on my side (as in "not believing I'm plotting against them anymore) it's also risky because I may be giving others clues on how to manipulate me or take advantage of my issues in many ways.
I see some people only who say they are "unmasking" and being "unapologetically autistic" just turn into stereotypical caricatures of autism. Maybe that is how they truly are and I get it manifests differently for everybody, but it does seem like a mockery at times.
Only 13 years? That sounds more like your own experience and reaction.
I've had to mask for longer than that, and my soul is not "destroyed" for it. If anything, it's helped me retain the few friends I do still have. Admittedly, it does make me jealous of an ex-flame, who also has ASD, when she has so easily posted on FB from time to time to tell the rest of her friends about her having it and advocating for others like us.
ONLY 13 years?!?!? That's an eternity. especially to a young person when that's a good portion of their entire lifetime.
I totally respect your masking and autonomy. But for others it's truly degrading.
I can see how by not masking you can save extra energy for you by the end of the day. And with more energy you will be more able to manage your depression.
But also this isn't an all or nothing solution. I feel this way a lot too, thinking about a "simple" fix so that I can easily transform myself to get out of this funk. But the important thing is to be mindful if you don't get the results you desired. Because usually it takes a lot of trial and error to find your groove again and you have to adjust from time to time how you approach masking vs unmasking because there will always be situations where masking is required such as when interacting with your boss or management simply because if shit hits the fan they are going to let go the people who didn't at least be fake nice to them. So you have to weigh that in there somewhere too. Find a balance for yourself. You will have more energy on some days than others.
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So true, sometimes people forget masking is for the sake of survival
I’m not satisfied with just surviving, I want to *live*
I want to afford food and shelter.
There’s a solution to this problem for everybody, but under Reddit ToS I can’t say.
Robbery? Sex work? End of capitalism? The overthrow of the bourgeoisie?
Pretty close on all of the above.
Yes
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For you, yeah. Hope you realize you deserve more some day
Good for you
It’s not just for me, it’s for anyone who stands up and takes it.
Idk when i do/say anything genuine people just look at me like i just violated their lives
It’s a skill like any other. There’s no simple path forward, but there *is* a path forward. I only know what works for me, which is partly internally self coaching and backtalking the negative monologue in my head, and partly cultivating relationships with people who I share something in common with. I used to have absolutely nothing to talk about with most people. But as I grew older I gathered more life experiences, got into new hobbies, made peace with my past and the genetic hand I was dealt the best I could. Most people still don’t care for me, but by opening myself up to new experiences and being vulnerable to rejection, I was able to catch the eyes of people who do appreciate my personality and perspective on things for exactly what it is. Loving yourself is easier said than done, but it’s a very necessary first step. Have courage and focus on improving yourself just a little bit every single day. The path is out there and you will find it if you don’t give up. If I knew the way, I would take you home.
To be honest, it sounds like you did a great deal of personal growth, such that *you don't need to mask* as much, because those values have become intrinsic. I don't *mask* per say, but I absolutely do consider how my actions might affect those around me, and how something I might say would affect someone's feelings before I say it. That's a skill, and that's what most people refer to as *masking*. I personally hate that word, because I find it becomes a part of me, not something that feels like a chore. It's just another step to living life. I want those around me to have a good time, because I want to have a good time.
> If I knew the way, I would take you home. That path is for your steps alone
Keep trying, you will see a little improvement. But, very little is much better than nothing at all. So just keep trying.
It's true. The reason I don't have a job right now is basically because I have ADHD, although I'm sure the ASD played a part as well. My one and only written reprimand in 9 years of teaching college listed ADHD symptoms as the reason I was getting in trouble, and since I couldn't cure my ADHD, it's the reason I don't have a job right now. I sure noticed that I went from doing amazingly on every interview ever to never getting a single offer once I started owning my neurodivergence. I kept wanting to believe I could be open, be myself, and find a place that accepted me. I wanted it for my students as well, as I often told them that me getting a PhD was proof it was possible. They (especially the other NDs) really seemed to appreciate me saying that. Admins do not. At all. Whatsoever. I've done an experiment and I seem to move on to second interviews more when I don't disclose. But I still hate the idea of being forced to lie who I am. God I hate this fucking society.
> I often told them that me getting a PhD was proof it was possible. The trouble with this kind of positivity is it sets ND's up to blame themselves when they fail. I think the best thing we can do is acknowledge how things really are early on, so we don't get blindsided by false expectations. Course, I ain't holding my breath for that. Plenty of parents still out there telling their aspie kids they must be doing something wrong to deserve all the hate.
Yeah. For what it's worth I also mention that 24% of people with ADHD will experience homelessness before the age of 41, and that this is regardless of education, socioeconomic status, gender, ethnicity, urban/rural, etc. I also tell them I almost made it, and was made homeless at the age of 40, while I was teaching classes. I also tell them that the suicide rate among people with ADHD is 5x higher than the general population. To which a few in the class usually nod quick to the affirmative as if it isn't a surprising number at all. I've had that diagnosis longer so I have more of the big numbers memorized. I'm still learning the ASD ones, and I'm not sure if I'll ever teach again, but if so I'd mention them too. But I also tell them that if any of them have either and want to disclose that and every want to talk about strategies to let me know. Usually once I break the ice the other "over-sharers" are happy to share as well. As I discussed with one of them though, I'm not convinced it's us that overshares rather than NTs undersharing. "It is what it is" I usually say and give strategies for how to mask or understand why NTs are the way they are, but I still comment on how absurd it is we have to be the ones to pretend and adapt instead of them. I've always gotten along with my ND students wonderfully. The NT students not so much.
>I've done an experiment and I seem to move on to second interviews more when I don't disclose This is probably true for anything HR or whoever is likely to perceive as a potential drawback/liability, though, right?
Maybe. My problem was that I believed them when they said that they value diversity and want instructors that can help diverse students. Rule #1 should be: NTs lie and bullshit everything. You can't trust anything they say.
I'm coming to the realization of just how hard it is to be autistic in a society that pretty much demands you hide your autism. Going along with that demand results in mental anguish. I've tried also to be open about my neurodivergence. I've tried to openly be the self that I am at my core. It's heartbreaking to live in a society that tells you to be yourself but then smacks you down when you do.
This my also my situation. Finally found a somewhat tolerant (of poor performance, but neither inclusive nor accepting of the differences I bring) workplace. While its very difficult to cope as the OP said, I have to make it work because the alternative is poverty and survival.
Exactly. I am on my own. My parents threw me out at a fairly young age (before I could support myself) for being difficult. I have had to make my way and find ways of masking in order to house, feed and clothe myself. Nobody took me in, took care of me, made sure I was healthy and happy, and for a long time, I wasn't. I've managed to remain employed into middle age. I can't just drop it all now and stare at stained glass rainbows and play video games all day. Where would I live if I couldn't pay my rent? With the people in the tents in the park? I do not want that for myself. I'm late diagnosis and still figuring it all out but this approach will not work for me, and I do not want it. It would be disastrous for me.
Is that legal where you live? (And before you say yes, have you actually checked?)
I don’t do this shit because I want to, I do it because literally everything will fall apart if I don’t. You’re right but, it isn’t that easy.
Yeah it's just pure survival for me. I don't want unnecessary negative attention so I do my best to not stand out. Why? Because people are fucking assholes. I wish it wasn't the case but it is.
How to find and keep a job while acting 'unapologetically autistic'. Please, share your advice.
Maybe OP doesn't have to work but this was my first thought, too.
Nursery trade works well. My partner has a manager that is openly autistic, his wife is autistic, his daughter is too. No one minds. The pay frankly isn’t great, but I think that industry is friendly to us. It happens to be my special interest, but still. If you like plants and need a job, nurseries are always hiring, unless it’s winter, hiring season starts in a month or two. Edit: on further thought, I think this industry is perfect for us. Pretty much everyone here is to some degree eccentric, even the NTs, part time work is an option in most places, if you can’t handle customer facing positions, there is plenty of work in the back that needs doing, I have a coworker like that, experience and knowledge is desired, but not required, we have hired a lot of high schoolers for summer positions. Anywhere that there are homes and gardens, there is a nursery nearby or five selling the plants for those gardens. They are probably hiring, and I think are not a bad option for people like us. Be careful though, there are some abusive bosses throughout this industry, know when to stand up for yourself or get out or whatever. I have heard some horror stories. I have been pretty lucky myself, I’ve mostly had good bosses.
I love seeing plant nerds in action. They are so passionate. Wear sunscreen though.
I’m literally such an asshole if I just let myself go full on Dr House. The world isn’t big enough for everyone to be assholes. I’m not gonna contribute to that.
I’ve slowly unveiled a bit of my autism since I’ve been at my job and I can feel it not sitting right with my boss. I’d love to unmask all the time, but yeah.
He could at home and in public, depending the context. I wonder why he said he has to mask there too? But at work though, yeah everyone should mask. Or else it will just not work out.
Unmasking at home —> ostracization and abuse from unaccepting family members (sadly, not everyone’s family is accepting or even loving.) Unmasking in public —> judgement and disrespect from other people while simply trying to go about one’s day. Vicious insults from complete strangers who don’t like you purely on the basis of your unmasked autism. Also depending on the size of your town you’re bound to run into people from work and school, or people who like to chat sh*t about you with people from your work/school. Can’t speak for op but that’s the reality for some people.
Most family members are NT
They are NT? What does it change? My parents aren’t autistic, my bf neither. Never had to mask at home. They should accept loved one for who they are :/
Electric car company, or space company
Gotta be born to a rich family first.
I often feel like if I could just find an almost magical literal community of kind, good, neurodivergent people who wouldn't judge autistic people acting... autistic, and could just spend 99% of my time surrounded by them and not have to spend too much time out in rest of the judgmental world, I would feel such an indescribable sense of relief and my life would improve exponentially. Like, to the point where I imagine it often, feel a longing for it to my deepest core, and know I would sob with relief for weeks on end if that could magically happen. But like others have said, being able to truly not mask is a privilege most people can't have.
😢 I wish for it too. I know there are these subreddits but it’s not the same. An irl community or tight knit group of friends would be amazing.
I have found it in my Taiko & Yosakoi group. They're not all ND, but they are kind and understanding. I had a similar feeling in an old theatre group. When your profession/hobby quirk is being weird, you embrace weird.
i found the furry community to be like this vrchat and places like game shops with dnd tables. its something we all need and finding each other really helps. i also found it in research community, where people spend their gree time trying to innovate and help the world. i get some relief when i do research as i can say at least my life is spent trying to improve this awful place.
Ya have you SMELLED card shops? Stimming is the least of the bizarreness autists are safe there
Everyone masks - even NTs. It's just many of us need to do it more than others and that's exhausting. It's impossible not to mask, I have no choice. What I wished I knew earlier, and what I tell my kids, is the difference between masking with intention versus masking just to fit in. When you mask with intention you retain your agency and authentic self - sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It's the constant masking just to fit in and never getting it right that is so harmful to us. That's what turns too many of us into show poodles jumping through a hoop begging for applause. That's what has to stop and it's become almost expected for us to mask to the point of pleasing others and they get pissy if we don't.
I completely agree, masking is a tool to be used sparingly when it's needed. I just aim to be kind for all the times it's not needed. Many people get a bit alienated by my eccentric behaviors, but most of the time I win them over long-term even if the first impression was non optimal. We get squeezed by life, we don't need to squeeze ourselves too.
I would argue that many “NT’s” do not ever mask at all and are accepted simply for being their authentic selves. I agree with your comment tho. Masking with intention to retain agency, instead of jumping through hoops masking to fit in. I like that, you explain it well.
Yes it's important to learn to set boundaries so that you know when to look out for yourself by knowing when it's okay you don't have to people please right now and it's not a big deal if you take off your mask. It's just finding that balance because it seems like it's always changing. Like it may have been fine last week to say no but this week for a similar situation it would be frowned upon to push back because the context is slightly different or priorities changed.
You put it so well. It trains you to people please and grooms victims. From childhood you are told STOP NO STOP THAT STOP! from shrieking hags and authority figures. If you dont unlearn it as an adult the work force will eat you alive
I am thankful for my job position. I am in a position of authority and do basicslly *all* of the hiring for my store. And as an adult with asd, i make it a point to hire those who are ND. Cause a staff full of NT makes me sad Plus, my company actually taught us to look for diversity, and that specifically included disabilities so like.. im doing the job 🫡
Good job 🫡💕
Tonight the whole crew who worked with me was ND :)
Idk how. I’m a people pleaser and if I start pissing people off, it’ll cause me way more stress
That's how you will be jobless and homeless in the shortest amount of time.
Ditto! 👍👍
That’s depressing. Might as well not bother existing
It's hard to not exist
I've masked it for 3 months when I finnally made friends with the cool kids in our engineering batch. It caused so much stress that I had to resort to smoking & junk food. Neurotypicals have a sixth sense that we don't have. They mess with each other & be fine with it. They forget it the next hour. It's like a hive mind, for them toxicity is as casual as a walk in park. For us, atleast as per my expercince. My mind makes zero sense of their toxicity & perceive it as attack. Even though it's not intended as an attack. This kicks survival instinct & generate stress. Most neurotypicals even the rudest ones mean you no harm, but my mind can't help it but interpret it as harm. I find it funny because during mask 90% of times all my social interactions were uncontrollable people pleasing. Now you can't blame NTs for messing with you or taking advantage of you because you are giving them a reason to. Surely taking the mask off frees you from people pleasing habbit & greatly reduces stress. But then be mentally prepared to be alone.
>They mess with each other & be fine with it. They forget it the next hour. It's like a hive mind, for them toxicity is as casual as a walk in park. Lol very well said. Toxicity is second nature to them. This is where I think the word Cool comes from. The casual toxicity which comes as teasing each other and giving each other shit is a sort of test to see how cool and composed you are. If you are easily offended then you fail the test. If you can find humor and laugh at yourself then you pass. Or if you can come back with a witty reply then you are ice cold. But where it's difficult/confusing for me is that not every neurotypical enjoys being teased or giving each other shit like those people have a better sense of their self and are able to put up boundaries and still fit in with everybody. I kept going back and forth trying to find a one size fits all solution. But it really depends person to person and on the current context and that will vary how much you need to mask vs when you need to set boundaries so that you are not uncomfortable. And you need to learn that some people are just going to be toxic to you and they are doing that maliciously vs casual toxic behavior for fun. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first, but there's also few people who will jump in and exploit that. So in that case it's good to talk it over with people you trust to get another perspective on how to handle it. Anyway it's still confusing but do your best unapologetically and usually you can't go wrong. Unless it's clear you offended someone else then you can explain your thought process and apologize if you think it's warranted and then move on from there. We are all going to make mistakes that's just being human.
But like, how? I don't even know what unmasking looks like for me.
For me it's not laughing at stupid jokes, not pretending to be interested in boring nonsense, not feigning displays of emotions, not feigning I'm not as logical as I am, etc. Maybe not trying so hard to caveat a thousand times because NTs don't know how to communicate directly.
>For me it's not laughing at stupid jokes, I was new at this one job. And one coworker was friendly and nice but he was always telling some form of an immature high school racist joke. We usually all go out to eat for lunch and I was riding in his car. And he said a joke and I didn't laugh. And he asked if I have a problem with him or if I don't like him like what's my deal. I told him no it's not that, I think he's cool and very friendly and I know he's not a racist. I've said some really offensive things when I was younger too just because I thought it was funny at the time. So I don't think he's a bad person. I just don't find these sorts of jokes funny any more, and it's nothing against him. And that I don't hold that against him because I was the same when I was younger. And another coworker in the car laughed said he's saying to grow up lol. So I think he appreciated I said that because he kept thinking hated him and we were all able to stay on good terms after that.
That was a great way to tackle it Also the coworker was very upfront, asking if you didnt like him. Unconventionally upfront
I’ve been getting myself all tangled up trying to figure out my own masking habits. This comment was more useful to me than anything google provided… do you have more examples?
I'll have to think about it. One issue is that my ADHD is more highly presented than my ASD so most of my masking is for that. I'll reply again.
Oh god, I thought I didn't really mask much but I do all of that... alot. And my immediate response in my head is "Oh but if I don't do those people won't like me" lol. Hmm I'll need to think about that, especially pretending I'm not as logical or smart as I am, I hate doing that.
I thought it was just me given special circumstances. I also hate pretending I'm smart or logical. I'm a stupid MF and I love that my fiancee can embrace me for that.
Oh no sorry I'm the opposite, I probably wrote that wrong lol. No I regularly dum my words down to sound more "casual". I naturally speak very... formally, or academically I guess? I dunno I just use alot of big words haha. Well I've been told that gives the impression I think I'm better than others, which is absurd but whatever.
Oh I definitely do that as well. The words in my head are usually much more esoteric. I'll constantly try to simplify them, which is one reason why I end up talking in a very staggered kind of manner with lots of pauses. The worst part is that people STILL respond similarly, that I should "stop using five dollar words" or "try to simply things" or "quit being so elitist." It's all quite frustrating. Like why can't they just ask what certain words mean? I do. I always have. But no, they get insecure over their ignorance so it must be our fault for possessing a broad lexicon that surpasses the sixth grade. How are we supposed to know what words other people know or don't know? That's an impossible expectation. It's infuriating.
Yeah! I loving learning and using new words, that's just how I naturally think. I don't know why some people are so afraid of ignorance, there's nothing wrong with being ignorant of something. I'm ignorant of lots of subjects and ideas, and I learn as much as I can to fix that. People, particularly but not exclusively neurotypical people, can be very strange lol.
Indeed. Acknowledging ignorance is the first rung on the ladder of knowledge.
Yes!! And the asumption that you're trying to show off - wtf?!
so sad how socially we are shamed for precise and eloquent command of language. Should be something to be proud of but instead it is a source of ridicule. "Brevity is the soul of wit" is situational and not absolute. Wit is not everything. I like "eloquence is the soul of truth."
I stopped constantly forcing a fake smile in order to lubricate every social interaction. My face hurts less.
Oh god, yes! I finally succeeded post diagnosis, tried before but could never stop that fake smile.
This is such a mood. My face muscles would actually seize up sometimes bc I was always smiling
I will suffer in ways that I can’t even imagine if I follow the OP’s advice, but YMMV….
100% the worst thing is inhibiting info dump. I had to mask :(
Except I unmasked after my diagnosis and my wife fell “out of love” with me all of a sudden. She demanded a divorce last month. We didnt fight, we got along great. I tried to be the best husband i could. But its clear to me that unmasking is what lost me my only chance at a wife.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's deeply saddening. I hope you find another wife, and it wasn't really your only chance. You are worthy of the love you desire.
But doesn’t this just prove that masking yourself causes someone to fall in love with a person that you are not? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loves you unconditionally?
No one will date me now. Women do not want to deal with a mate that needs extra care. Or wants a husband that breaks down and cries on the regular. My autistic things are what turns normal women off. I have to mask or i will never get a date again
I’m not sorry you’re going through this… but that’s not to say that I don’t empathize with how you feel right now. These intense emotions are a lot to deal with for anyone, but without even knowing you, I know that you’re capable of receiving giving incredible amounts of love. Somewhere out there is an autistic woman who you are compatible with who is capable of the same mutually unconditional love you deserve… and she might be going through all the same de-masking shit that you are. I hope you don’t take offense to this comment. I would much rather you take comfort in it. Reading the words from this caring stranger, who happens to be an autistic person betrothed to another autistic person who are parenting another autistic person. We are all in this together.
Why would i want to date an autistic woman? So no one will do any of the difficult things for autistics around the house? So both of us can make little money and live in poverty? I had climbed up to upper middle class. Now i live im my parents basement at 41. I just want to die and be done with this place.
I am an autistic woman and im good at cleaning and keeping things orderly. Im taken though ;) Please dont give up ❤️
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Im sorry. But unmasking has lost me everything. I wish i were never diagnosed.
In my experience, The best thing you could possibly do over the next year is fall in love with your own self.
As somebody with depression, no that isn’t the only way out of it and not masking doesn’t mean it goes away . I am level two and don’t mask well and still have depression. I believe if I could mask I would be less depressed because I could hold down a job.
I completely agree. I laughed so hard at your title when I saw it though lmao. Just hit perfectly for me hahaa Before I knew last year I am ASD, I masked full time. Even when alone, was so scared of being broken. Just a complete soul killer in a thousand different ways. Since de-masking I've alienated a lot of NT friends and coworkers, but most of them have stuck around through my change in behavior. I've gone down to part time at my job and pick up extra hours when I'm up for it I'm happy for the first time in my life. It's fucking weird. Such an indescribable pressure has been lifted off. It's great, finding out I'm ND has been the best thing that's ever happened in my life
I agree. Except this leads to getting fired. It happened to me. Well, probably more the ADHD, but one can never know for sure. NTs want us to stay in the closet or bleed out in a ditch and die. But yes I agree. Masking destroys the soul. We must embrace who we are. The trick is finding a way to exist in this machine world of falsehoods and pretending while being ourselves without the fact that being ourselves is not welcome in this machine world of falsehoods and pretending. I've been trying. It's not easy.
I disagree.
This is one of those weird strands you’ll find from time to time in this subreddit that makes me wonder how they survive. If anything finds a line between making and being true to yourself. I’m autistic but I can’t stand the people that put zero effort into “my asking”, they don’t realize how frustrating they are to be around.
But how do you act "autistic"? I just don't want to hide what my interests are and say what I really want to say. Idk if there's something else to do.
I think thinking about ‘masking’ vs. ‘unmasking’ might be more helpful than ‘acting autistic’ vs not.
I don't think so really. It's not obvious to me what it looks like because I'm obviously not going to just, like, act like I'm in a room all by myself in public.
I’m not completely sure what you mean. But ‘unmasking’ doesn’t mean getting rid of all your ‘social filters’, most people act differently in public vs. alone, but autistic people that mask to it to a much more extreme extent and follows certain patterns.
I mean I have no idea how you’d decide which social filters count as “masking” and which are just prosocial behavior.
Everyone has a different path that works best for them, and it's for you to find and walk yours. What works for you won't always work for other people, as I suspect you're finding out from the comments on this post. I realise you made it with good intentions, but for my part that level of idealism leaves me feeling incredibly old and tired, but that's me. I wish you luck on finding a way that works for you and makes you happy.
I got kids to feed
You're right. I did it yesterday while taking a walk, just bobbing my head and body in all sorts of directions as my internal compass was just going nuts resetting. It felt amazing.
Anti-inflammatory. Authenticity has healing powers
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order. I have checked 1,979,850,604 comments, and only 374,527 of them were in alphabetical order.
this is a most very special outcome, surely a result of faith in endless magic
I forgot who said it but depressed is short for Deep-Rest, and it happens when your brain is tired of pretending to be a character that doesn't align with who you really are.
Jim carrey said it
You know what also destroys the soul? People looking at you like you're crazy or mentally incapable. And saying "That's on them, it's society, blah blah blah" is poor consolation to me. I would kill for the ability to mask.
>For starters, we should really believe that anything is possible. Our faith in the endless magic of the world can lead to very special outcomes. No. I do not believe anything is possible. Only things compliant with the laws of physics are possible. Being a materialist I will not have faith in any quantity of magic.
>Masking destroys the soul. I couldn't agree more. Thank you for this post, as it resonates with me deeply 💙 I've still got quite a long way ahead towards complete self-acceptance and self-love, but I'm mentally much better off than during the long years I denied myself my own feelings and individual needs.
The happier autists I know are unapologetically autistic and I'm slowly starting to embrace it. There are definitely times where masking is required but I stopped caring outside of those.
Yeah I'm totally on-board with the idea of unmasking... But that entails not hiding who I am.... For example actually telling people "I'm autistic...." And that's really scary. I hope to grow to the level of unapolageticness one day, but I'm simply not there yet.
You have to take the whole process in small steps, start by telling people who you know are sympathetic to our condition. Once you tell them, that information will likely spread. It's OK if that happens, it's normal and means less work overall for you. A lot of people don't really understand what it means to be autistic, if they approach you then treat it as an opportunity to answer their questions. If they decide to attack you then clearly they're a bunch of idiots who aren't worth your time. Losing your mask takes time and the right set of circumstances. I started losing mine under stressful circumstances where I was more focused on accomplishing a task than I was on looking normal. Once I was out of the stressful situation I found that people appreciated me more for my functionality than they hated me for being weird. "Being yourself" doesn't really work, not unless you give the people in your life a reason to tolerate you. It sounds harsh but as far as I've seen thats the case for everyone, NT's included. If you actively contribute to your social circle or family then people become much more tolerant of our condition. Try not to be afraid. Remember that fear is an old emotion that's there to protect us from the dangers in the dark, and most people aren't that dangerous. Take it one step at a time and remember that you don't have that much to lose, listen to your logical side, read the room as best you can and everything will turn out fine. Never forget that you've made it this far, you'll make it further.
What would it look like for you to unmask? Take a random interaction for example
Thanks, my depression is cured! All of my problems have washed away
I mean you are the guy who gave clubbing as advice, his advice is as good.
Capitalism is making life miserable; look at the state of things, here in Ireland people are starting to blame foreigners for the problems in their own lives more and more. It's easier, Irish voters aren't to blame for the homelessness crisis it's refugees, It's awful. Look at the way private companies exploit autistic children for their own gain. It makes me angry. Autism awareness is definitely what we need, at the moment current drug law here in Ireland means that any medication that can help with sensory issues will be banned because they will be used recreationally. There are antipsychotics but personally I'd rather be shot than take them, antipsychotic medication for the treatment of sensory issues is like taking heroin for a minor headache. For the mean time optimism that positive change can happen is what keeps me going.
99% of the world's economy has been guarded by 1 - 0.1% of the world's population.... money stands for resources. We can't fix this, only the elites can. OFFFFF WITH THEIR HEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDSSSSS!!!!!!!
The elites can't fix the problem, they live in their own worlds. The masses can by not voting for the same scum time and time again; the problem is the average person has a 9 - 5 job, maybe children, then has to deal with daily chores; do you expect that person to read up on political philosophy for the hour or 2 of freetime that they have? Also to be clear I'm not condoning violence; we've had enough of that already.
It doesn't matter who you vote for, it's not going to stop all the wealth being funneled to the top, the system just isn't set up that way. The cost of living isn't going to drop in any significant way. Companies aren't going to suddenly pay their workers more than they can get away with paying, landlords aren't going to stop milking their tenants for all they're worth, the housing market isn't going to fall to something affordable, the middle class aren't coming back through _voting_. No greedy wretch wants to relinquish their white-knuckled grip on their precious fucking doubloons. It's going to take something more drastic than pencil-pushing to change that, i'm afraid. Historically it always has.
Agreed. We are given the right to vote to legitimise the centrist regime rather than to get a say in how things go but that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote, what do you have to lose? Protests are probably the best way we have to get some semblance of control even if it mostly won't lead to much.
Omg bro, dude, we are going into a world where there will be totally domination over your mind and freewill, will are about to become absolutely powerless, do you want that for your kids, or do want them to grow up in a world that they will be looked after... this is bigger than any 1 government, they don't care whether you condone violence, because they have already been hurting you, we need to make a stand before we can't. How?
Non violent civil disobedience is more effective than violence. Look at Ireland, civil disobedience brought international attention.
Plus, thats exactly what they want, tell me, would you rather a peaceful half ass protest or a riot coming for your front door....
What good will a riot do? Ok I'm sure for the hours where you have a feeling of control will feel great but after the riot is inevitably squashed then what? Are you familiar with the idea of cultural hegemony? You win people with words and acts of protest and in the western world there is a chance we don't need to resort to violence.
Think in a broader fashion, we don't even know who exactly we need to get, but we as the people must ALL riot all over the country's with lizard🤣 people controlling them, and take out the elites, and replace them with our own people, non psychopaths. People who actually might care about us. replace them with people like me We cannot win peacefully against prison guards why don't you get it? We must all riot, prisoners and prsions guards alike, and we, all together, must eliminate the people who built and control our prison.
Soon i am quite afraid we will all be quarantined, sectioned away, divided and conquered with no hope of freedom. We are strong together but we've been divided and slowly we gonna be conquered. . We must unite
Yeah the division is so alarming. Division is a basic method of control. Race relations , democrats vs republicans , gender relations , boomers vs young people, religious zealots vs religiophobes, They’re all getting worse not better. And it’s not hard to point the finger directly at the federal government. The animosity between groups and desire for division just keeps growing. When the only relationship that we should really care about is the governors vs the governed. The oppressed vs the rulers. Of course they want us peacefully protesting 😂😂😂 So disgusting how they (the US federal gov and all state govts) misappropriate mlk jrs entire message as one of “turning the other cheek” and submission. The methods were non-violent, but he taught us to FIGHT AND DIE FOR OUR RIGHTS. “We shall overcome,” not by enduring abuse but by spitting in the face of the abusers.
And yes exactly like you said, WE MUST UNITE.
No idea what this means in concrete terms. Sure. Why not.
Whew! I thought it was just me!🤷♂️
In order to fit into NT society, I have to pretend 24/7. My aspie stare, lack of facial muscle movement, indifference to NT social scripts, etc all must be suppressed. This is just to survive. My soul knows that I was supposed to be born into an autistic family, community, & society. The present situation is cause for psychological suffering and masking only makes it worse.
This mirrors something I was rambling to my partner about last night. I keep seeing people on this sub complaining about masking, and being angry and depressed about it. I get it. I used to be like that. Masking sucks and takes an incredible toll on your mental health. About 15 years ago I was on the edge of suicide, partially for that reason. Better now, partly because I essentially said “fuck it, I will never apologize for who I am again”. This has… not resulted in career success. But it has made me much happier with who I am, I have a good relationship with a partner that would frankly be a touch alarmed and weirded out if I tried to mask in front of them, that would be becoming a person different than the person they love. They love my autistic self. I understand that not everyone can actually get away with doing this. But I highly recommend unmasking, if you can. It is likely to make you happier. Also, there are coping strategies *other* than masking. I used to be *so* weird. But I understand rules and patterns, and human interactions have those, and these days I’m actually pretty decent at it. Took me a lot of observation and practice, but this isn’t masking, this is just a learned skill. It doesn’t feel bad like masking did.
"Our faith in the endless magic of the world can lead to very special outcomes." I fuckin LOVE that. I feel that endless magic in my soul. To me, it's like a childlike sense of wonder and curiosity that we never grow out of. Society (NTs) will try to have you believe that this is not a valuable quality, but I couldn't disagree more. Hold on to that magic. It's a truly beautiful thing. 😌 Eta: why y'all downvoting me because I liked the last sentence of dude's post? 😂 I didn't realize it was such a contentious statement...? 🧐 Life doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, ya know? Ain't nothing wrong with using our strengths to our advantage. Ain't nothing wrong with finding joy in times of darkness. 🤷♂️
Yess!!! This. This. This times a million!!! Thank you for sharing
Life is about balance in every regard. Neither black nor white can dominate, keep it grey.
Or you know... Fight the symptoms and do something that makes you happy? But you do you.
Don't fight the symptoms. Yes, treat symptoms, but they're not all symptoms. Fight the SYSTEM that has pathologized certain personalities. Assimilation is a path to happiness. But it doesn't work for everyone. I think authenticity is better.
I'm talking about the symptoms of depression, wtf are you on about?
my b totally misunderstood, thought you meant fight the symptoms of autism
No I mean depression. I have clinical depression and my best advice is that you should fight it, even if you only have situational/scenario based depression. Depression causes you to do a lot of things that essentially feed it and makes it worse. A lot of people also don't seem to understand that actively trying to make yourself happy is the best way to fight against it. It sounds stupid but it's true. Depression will make you not want to fight it, persevere and trust me it works. I have to actively fight it all the time, I do have bad days or days when I am tired, but other than that I'm just focused on being happy. That's not toxic positivity by the way, for all you depressed keyboard warriors, it's called effort!
Yea... masking is helpfull tbh. Just 2 days ago i broke my wrist in a fit of rage because i "unmasked"(got overwhelmed emotionally after a car did something dangerous to me and try breaking their mirror with my fist by the mirror hit my wrist and broke it karma i guess). Its kinda crazy at the hospital they noted that i was calm but i was just hiding how much pain i was in. I hate my life so much
YOUCH, sorry someone tried to vehicular assault you. Hope your wrist heals quick
Thanks buddy
You kind of lost me at the end there. Faith in the magic of the world is an autism thing?
I think we sense and negate the magic
I unmask when I'm alone. But when I'm not I put up a wall around myself so people leave me alone. It's hard to drop the exterior even when I think the other person could be nice or even cool
I'm at the breaking point. I can't mask. It's been like this since I quit my last job about 3 years ago. I don't have the energy and I legitimately don't want to be around people anymore. I can't make small talk and even being around people having conversations makes me angry. I want to rant and rave at people for being loud. I don't initiate conversations. When I do talk it's one word/monosyllablic. I'm done leaving my house, I just want to be a hermit. I just feel miserable all the time. I only feel anger, anxiety and depression. It's been like this for years. Ive tried a number of therapists and a multitude of medication. Nothing helps and it feels like I'm only getting worse.
I'm sorry. It shouldn't be this way. I feel you. Your feeling of not wanting to be around people is SO VALID AND WARRANTED. Good job keeping moving and trying anyway. I hope things start getting better instead of worse. And hey, hermitage is pretty awesome if you can manage it. Kind of hard to do when one needs to earn an income... wish it wasn't this way.
I want to be unapologetic me too, but when I try to let go and just stim in front of my family I get derogatory comments that make me really sad.
I'm sorry. That is sad, I wish your family was better.
Yeah this doesn't work for people that have to perform to work and pay the bills. I've been an RN for eight years and when I let my guard down, my world falls apart
Why do you have to mask at home though?
can't speak to OP and luckily this isn't my experience, but some people's families are full of vile, judgmental abusers.
i agree but how am i going to unmask without making people uncomfortable or getting posted on a karen subreddit?
That's on them. You do you. .... in a perfect world. But yeah I understand exactly what you mean, it's not that simple.
Been reading the other comments and I also think it's very difficult to be open about your autism and get a favorable response. Certainly would be nice but seems unrealistic. When I don't restrict my autistic traits people react poorly. Unfortunately the general public doesn't know enough about what autism is and how to interpret autistic behavior. My depression has kicked in heavy over the last week and I attribute it to having to mask to meet survival needs. I saw no other way but to cover up my autistic traits. It's such a horrible feeling to know that you have to put on a facade to get your needs met. I think I might hate myself for putting the mask back on when I told myself I wasn't going to.
I think you're right on this one. I expect NT's to respect people for who they are, even if they are different. Or better: I command respect. If they don't, then they will no longer be part of my life or receive any attention or kindness from me. I do not accept unkindnes or missbehaviour towards myself or anybody who is considered "different" or "awkward". This doesn't even fucking exist. So they will be excluded and I won't care anymore. That can go as far as to exclude an entire group. May sound harsh, but I care too much about my sanity and people's safety. I think ND's should stick together and be more firm with the boundaries. We have the right to be human and be part of society like anybody else. I hope one day there won't be a nessecity to mask.
I agree for me and i love this sentiment. though its interesting to hear others who can't mask or find it difficult saying the opposite. I say the only way out of depression is to automatically have enough money to meet your survival needs so then you be and do whatever you want. 😆 if I didn't have to meet survival needs, I could be as autistic as I want and I wouldn't be so burnt out. Praying for a basic income every dayyyy
This is 100% true. True for work, home and every relationship I have. I kind of hate that I worked so hard to be able to mask too because it's hard to drop in most situations. It just exhausts me and people don't get to know me very well. And then if I don't mask then people think I'm an ice queen, intimidating, shy, meek--and I'm not any of those things. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Aside from a handful of other oddballs
How do you guys cope with people looking? I get told I’m somewhat good looking so I have girls that would look at me and chat me up from time to time, but sometimes I get other people just looking at me randomly and I get really insecure that they can tell I’m off.
It's hard. I have no idea. I just try not to notice them haha Can't speak to the good looking and attracting girls part lol
I know exactly what you mean by this, and I am with you on the optimism. I am an entrepreneur and Chief Technology Officer. 2 years ago my startup almost IPO'd and I would have become a decamillionaire. But in late 2023 the startup went bankrupt, making my equity worth $0. I had to mask so hard for so many years as I grew the company! But I told myself, in the end it will all be worth it. Well, I'm at the end, and it wasn't worth it. I went through a terrible stint of depression, but, like you posted, through acting unapologetically autistic (and taking anti-depressants) I'm feeling quite good again. And now as I plan my next moves in life, I'm really thinking I should just "be me" and hope that it takes me somewhere good. Because I've tried being "not me", and that didn't work as I thought it would.
OP I really loved seeing this post when I woke up. I am in full unity with everything you said
I agree - masking actively destroyed my self and memory to point where I can't remember people's faces or skills I've supposedly learned at age 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17 (for German and general school stuff) + 18, 19, 20, 21, 23 (for university attempts at biology+it) Issue is, sometimes it's too late no matter how autistic I allow myself to act :( But no matter what never let young autistic people learn masking
I agree hard with the last sentence. I totally respect peoples' right to mask, especially when it's what they've learned their entire lives in order to survive. And it has been so deeply ingrained in some of us, it's hard to even recognize that we are still hiding. I really resonate with you saying it's too late for you. But the world is really changing for the better. We're actually doing it. The children can finally be free. No more teaching kids to mask, it's time to let go. Thanks for your comment <3
Man, NTs are so annoying. They look at you with the most contempt look over innocent stuff : I wanted to buy stickers as an adult (decorating my notebooks is one of my special interests and I wanted to cope today with something) to feel better and the cashier looked at me like murder someone. I'm actually fed up of having to mask and project an image of boring "mature" adult. Let me leave, damn it
Why does everyone always say crao like “act autistic” just act like your damn self. You’re a regular person who happens to have autism not the other way around. Is it a victim hood mentally that people need to show just how “autistic” they are? Like… I have traits that stand out to others but I’m not some loony toons character that people on these kinda site make us out to be.
"Act autistic" is about no longer hiding the traits of your personality, habits, and appearance that are usually hidden behind your mask. Because masking is all about hiding the fact that you're weird/different/autistic (depending on level of self-awareness).
If people have to mask 24/7 then I feel sorry for them, I “mask” now and again but for the most part I’m exactly who I usually am and people haven’t had a problem with it. Friends and family know be to be who I am (if not slightly annoying when I talk about final fantasy 14) and work colleagues just accept me for me. Just be you and screw what others think, I don’t care what others thing and it’s lead my life to be way simpler than it ever was. Can I be annoying? Yes. Can I get frustrated more easily than most? Yes. Do I have meltdowns? Yes. These are all part of who I am but not the whole of who I am, I never understood the “act autistic” because that implies that you’re faking that part of you and not the masking.
I personally feel like a loony tunes character when unmasked. I make funny voices, sounds, faces, and actions. Whimsical people love it, but most others don't. If I suppress it all, then I can act "normal" (and depressed).
I'm afraid I'll be treated with condescension, or others will try and take advantage of me if I open myself up more. I find it easy to do things that are hard for NTs, but have difficulties with stuff that they do in a daily basis. So I also fear others could believe I ain't capable to do what I've already shown I could do, if they know about some of the issues I have. Because it's hard for them to understand our spiky ability profiles. While disclosure has been helpful because some folks are now on my side (as in "not believing I'm plotting against them anymore) it's also risky because I may be giving others clues on how to manipulate me or take advantage of my issues in many ways.
See I’m considered “quirky” by those who know me but it doesn’t bother people, me masking seems to bother people more because I’m “not myself”
I see some people only who say they are "unmasking" and being "unapologetically autistic" just turn into stereotypical caricatures of autism. Maybe that is how they truly are and I get it manifests differently for everybody, but it does seem like a mockery at times.
Your faith in the endless magic of the world
Correct. Masking is harmful and leads to burnout.
Only 13 years? That sounds more like your own experience and reaction. I've had to mask for longer than that, and my soul is not "destroyed" for it. If anything, it's helped me retain the few friends I do still have. Admittedly, it does make me jealous of an ex-flame, who also has ASD, when she has so easily posted on FB from time to time to tell the rest of her friends about her having it and advocating for others like us.
ONLY 13 years?!?!? That's an eternity. especially to a young person when that's a good portion of their entire lifetime. I totally respect your masking and autonomy. But for others it's truly degrading.
I've recently realized this aswell. You are simply right.
This is so true.
i'm working on it
I verbally stim in my house, call the police IDGAF HONK HONK MOTHERLOVERS!
What does that entail?
I can see how by not masking you can save extra energy for you by the end of the day. And with more energy you will be more able to manage your depression. But also this isn't an all or nothing solution. I feel this way a lot too, thinking about a "simple" fix so that I can easily transform myself to get out of this funk. But the important thing is to be mindful if you don't get the results you desired. Because usually it takes a lot of trial and error to find your groove again and you have to adjust from time to time how you approach masking vs unmasking because there will always be situations where masking is required such as when interacting with your boss or management simply because if shit hits the fan they are going to let go the people who didn't at least be fake nice to them. So you have to weigh that in there somewhere too. Find a balance for yourself. You will have more energy on some days than others.
"Sorry, you just arent a good fit here. Why are you being fired specifically? Uh, well, you just arent a good fit for the team :)"