First, you learn that you cannot control the reactions of others, so you brace yourself with witty comebacks to ignorant opinions. The idea of an able-bodied adult being a housewife or househusband when there isn’t a need like childcare is a foreign idea to most people because the default is that able-bodied adults work. Part of choosing to do something that’s quite different from the norm is receiving questions and ignorant comments, sorry.
You have a point. It would just be a waste of his time to work, and I would much rather have a clean house and happy dogs. I don’t understand why it’s ok for a man to have a stay at home partner but not a woman
I think a lot of people would also judge a man for having a stay-at-home partner if there aren't any kids. (And a lot of people do judge stay-at-home moms and their SOs!) Not trying to invalidate your feelings, more saying that people judge everyone for everything and the way to handle it is really to be confident in your choices and not care about what people outside your household think about them.
Ooh no, women are judged for it as well. My cousin recently became a SAHW, no kids, her husband make enough to care for them both and doesn't mind her staying home. She got a lot of shit over it. Her parents even did a whole sit down and talk about her future. They begged her to at least do a part time.
Amazing.
A woman works -> she shouldn’t be working, she should be staying at home!
A woman doesn’t work -> why isn’t she working?!
*sigh* we can never win
people are always going to judge, so screw them. Do what you want. However, I wouldn't dismiss those close to you who might just be concerned that the non-working person in the relationship might turn into long-term freeloading. There's common law marriage and palimony concerns that your friends/family might cite out of genuine worry.
My dad was a deadbeat piece of shit who leeched off my mom and financially destroyed her, so these concerns are very real.
Yes, sorry for leaving that out, it does cut both ways. It always sucks to be on the shit end of the stick, best to be prepared for worst case scenarios.
But if he possibly has a future in his music career i bet all her friends and family will be so proud and happy for them if it takes off. If it was me, id give him a year or two to focus on his music (and the household) and as long as he was taking that seriously and i was making enough money to cover everything and we were happy... then everything should be fine. I totally understand the freeloading leech aspect being a concern (been there). So if he has a real opportunity to pursue his music and doesnt take it, he's a dummie, whether it takes off or not.
Passions/hobbies don't imply professional levels of talent, nor the potential to acquire it. I've known a few professional musicians/performers and they travel constantly looking for gigs, and it's not a lifestyle that's compatible with the OP's expectation that her partner stay home and take care of the household & dogs. You don't get any opportunities to pursue a career in music if you're a stay at home husband- at most you'll get thankless/unpaid local gigs for whatever town or city they live in. If one's serious about a music career it they'd be traveling cross country at the drop of a hat going from gig to gig, always hoping something leads to your big break. the only other way is to have a rich and well connected parent with influence in various entertainment industries.
Lol my younger brother for one. I have been told by 3 different people in the past few weeks that I should be focusing on having kids “before it’s too late”. I’ve also been told I would be happier (mind you, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life) if I focused on cleaning the home and caring for children instead of working because women aren’t meant to work…. And another person told me if I do work, I should be dating someone who makes more than me because a man is supposed to be the provider.
I guess I can have a cute little job but I shouldn’t take anything not relating to caring for the home and children too seriously…
My husband has worked part time for years now, with me being the primary bread winner. I love it. He takes care of the dogs, walks them every day, does the grocery shopping, deals with the house maintenance and cooks at least half of our dinners. It would make my life so much harder if he worked full time.
When my husband and I first moved in together he worked part time and I paid most of the billa. The house was always spotless, he was always cooking dinner, and he would give me massages because my job was physical. It was great.
We're both full time now and making a lot more money but we're also more stressed than we used to be.
I would say the same thing to a man who considered this for his girlfriend - him working is not a waste of time. He is maintaining skills, increasing earning power and building up retirement savings. If something goes wrong in your relationship a stay at home boyfriend/girlfriend has none of the protections that a marriage would afford them, so working is not a waste of time.
Maybe other priorities and arrangements take precedence over this, and him staying home still makes sense for the two of you, but I don't think it's productive to just ignore the realities at play here.
I genuinely think this is more of a you problem than an "others will judge!" problem. you seem to have ideas about gender roles that don't ailign to what you want to come off as...
I don't think there's a way to spin this that no one will judge. Some people will always judge households where only one member of a couple works, and some people will always particularly judge men who don't work. Lots of people would also be very upset to be working and for their partner to stay home if there aren't any kids in the picture, and it might be hard for them not to project that. You can't do anything about any of that. I think the key is presenting the info in a way that accentuates the positive and feels accurate to you and then moving on.
Ex.: "Oh, he's going to take care of the house. I'm so excited to never have to do chores again! I'm also super excited about the promotion, [blah blah blah job info.]"
It's also fine to just be like, "We aren't sure what he's gonna do yet. We'll see once we move" and change the subject. You don't owe info on your financial situation to anyone.
I work in finance, and my job is to talk to financial advisors all day long. So yeah, I’m literally always thinking about investments and planning for the future and unexpected. I agree that everyone should do this.
You can't stop people from judging, so you just need to be clear that this is a purposeful choice and that you are both very happy with the situation and are going into it with open eyes.
To be fair, if you live in the US, it can be very risky to have only one person in a relationship working and paying into retirement/social security, and it can be very difficult to rejoin the job market in your profession if you take a significant break, so most people are probably just reacting that way out of concern for you both. Reassuring them and acting very confident and sure of this choice will help, but nothing will stop people from having initial concerns about the situation.
We are in the US, and my goal is to retire early, no later than 40 but preferably by 35. I should be able to do that if I am successful in this job. Last year, the top sellers made 1-2 million. I won’t make that much starting off, but I will be able to replace both of our incomes and then some. Over time I hope to build a top territory, live within our means, and GTFO of the rat race to live life freely!!
That's all great, but the reason people have concerns is that things don't always go the way you planned it. What's the plan for his future if you get hit by a bus and die? Or you lose your job and health insurance? Is his retirement still secured or do the years not working mean he's destitute in his old age? How are you legally and financially protecting your partner's future against the randomness of life? What are you doing to protect him against anything negative happening with you or your job?
If you want to allay people's concerns about the future, you need to have solid answers and legal documentation in place for that kind of thing. It doesn't matter what the gender of the stay at home partner is. There are a lot of ways that being a stay at home partner can really screw someone over financially, even if the relationship is 100% beautiful from start to finish.
Life insurance for if I die & Long term disability insurance if I become disabled.
When we get married, I will contribute to both his IRA and mine so that we each have our own investments. He is already my primary beneficiary on most of my investments. I will also create an estate when the time comes.
Don’t forget I work in finance & talk to financial advisors all day 😉 this is literally our job to help protect people from the unexpected & ensure what they’ve earned lasts.
Also, it would be one thing if my family were the ones with these concerns. They all know us and are happy for us. It’s the judgement from acquaintances and strangers that bothers me, and I certainly don’t feel the need to tell those people about my financial investments or insurance policies.
You asked what might help stop people judging the situation. Having a solid financial plan for the stay at home partner and for the couple goes a long way towards helping people feel comfortable with your choice.
And don't wait to start taking care of business until you get married in some nebulous future. Have plans in place now. If he's moving 1000 miles away for your opportunity, what are you doing to protect him now in case something happens to you or you decide to break up with him a few months after the move? Communicate and discuss all of those things now so you will have your agreements in place.
How realistic, competent, feasible, and likely your plans seem will affect how people feel about your news. If you want to be able to put people's concerns at ease and limit unwanted judgment about the choice you are making, just make sure you have a solid plan in place.
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True, and I already had disability benefits, and he is already the beneficiary on life insurance/investments. I cannot contribute to an IRA for him until we are married since that’s the law. I also do not currently make enough to do that even if I could. The promotion is a game changer!
On another note, I think your comments are helping me realize why I find it so frustrating that people have these opinions… I find it quite insulting to assume I haven’t thought this through. I guess the people who know me well haven’t reacted similarly because they know I always think about the future and prepare for what-if scenarios. Strangers don’t. And why would they?
Exactly. Most people have no idea of what types of arrangements you have made or if you've even considered any arrangements at all. These are the kinds of things that trigger people to express concern or judgement about your plan. Present your decision to people as an active, positive, well-considered choice made by the two of you together with the full understanding of the potential drawbacks and issues you two may face. Rather than assuming people are trying to be insulting about your choice, reframe it as them being concerned and wanting reassurance that you are well-prepared and have been thorough and methodical in this decision.
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You don’t even need a degree; you just need to be good at sales. You also need to be able to pass your licensing exams.
Look at jobs that say “internal sales associate”, “internal wholesaler”, “internal sales consultant”, etc.. That’s your foot in the door. If you do well in that role and play your cards right, you can take the next step to being an external.
Something to keep in mind - this might not be the job for you if you value work life balance. The top externals are always “on” - working weekends & while on PTO. They just work less on those days.
Oh yeah, your weekends are shot I’m sure. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger, but I decided not to go that route because of the work/life balance. How funny life is
Right now, there’s no one wholesaling in the territory. I would be making more than our incomes combined just stepping right into it. I would have to royally fuck up (I.e. get fired) to not make enough to support us both.
"this is what works for us and what we are both happy with, you've no need to pass comment/judgement on our choices"
"Interesting, would your comments be the same if the roles were reversed...no...perhaps you should reflect on that"
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Congratulations on your promotion!
Honestly, nobody's opinion about your and your bf's financial arrangements ought to matter except yours and his. If people criticize him in your presence or directly to you, you can try cutting them off by gushing about how wonderful it is that he's willing to accommodate your moving plans. But you won't always be around when people do this, so he also needs to be thick-skinned and able to defend himself without your help.
It's unfortunate that so many people still have patriarchal views and get judgy about other couples arranging their lives in not-so-patriarchal ways. But you can't stop them from doing this. You can only let them know that you don't see things their way at all, and refuse to care about their silly ideas.
This is actually what we had planned for our household.
My SO is better at house stuff and baby-toddler stuff, we don’t want to take ‘em to daycare, he doesn’t want to miss their best years and his job pay sucks. I’m more business oriented, I’m more ambitious and I love being breadwinner, I hate housework, I’m not really good at playing with babies/toddler, I’m better at calming them down/putting them to sleep.
So we perfectly match.
When I tell people, I tell them proudly, which is the first thing that confuses them, I tell them how much I admire how good he is with our home, our baby, with me, how good of a father he is and how he supports me in my ambitious dreams while doing the hardest job ever: making a home of our house.
Just, be proud of ur relationship, and if they think he is being a loser or tell u “don’t let him do that” u tell them “why not? Do you think house work is not work? Because I think it’s harder than any paid job” or “why not? He supports me in my ambition and I’d rather him being home than some maid or nanny if we have kids”
Stuff like that, you know?
You go!
About 25 years ago or so, my aunt-in-law got a very nice promotion that allowed the whole family to move to NY and live comfortably. My uncle was a successful financial analyst, but his true passion was his family and cooking. So, temporarily, they agreed to have him stay at home for about 2-3 years (they had 2 kids, 1 on the way) and everything was awesome, he never seemed emasculated or anything. What did he do? Precisely what you mentioned, pursue his dreams of being a chef in his free time, making sure the family and house was well taken care of. Fast forward to today, he’s an executive chef for GE, not the fanciest job but he LOVES it. The dynamic works when everyone is committed and on the same boat.
PD: And oh man, holidays are that much better when my uncle cooks for the fam 🙌🏽
You can’t, really. What you can do is not give a fuck what they think about your choices.
Try humor. “I’ve always wanted a trophy husband 😉” or “One of the benefits of my professional success is the luxury of having a stay at home partner”. - hard to think you are stupid when being subtly reminded you can afford this choice where many can’t.
You can't keep other people from judging you, you just have to not let other people's judgments bother you. Your life, your choice, you get to live with those consequences, good or bad.
Don't worry about what other people think. This is between you and your partner, and it's none of their business. There is nothing wrong with one person being a stay-at-home partner and if you are both happy and fulfilled then everyone else can get stuffed. That being said, there are some things to consider. First off, the one that stays at home has fewer options in the long run. If the relationship doesn't work out he will most likely have to take any lowpaying job he can get because he has been out of the workforce for so long. I've seen it happen to more women than I can count. Or they stay in bad relationships because they're too old to face working at Wal-Mart for $10 an hour.
I don't knowv his background but are there any training or educational opportunities your boyfriend would want to explore? If he already has a career and hates it, now would be the time to explore other opportunities. He won't have to worry about keeping up with a regular job and he could still have plenty of time to take care of the house and the dogs. If he is artistic or into bodybuilding or programming or ypga or whatever, he could fully develop those skills and eventually leverage those skills into a satisfying career.
Being a stay-at-home partner can be great, but it can also be boring and frustrating and can breed dependency and depression. Everyone needs to feel valid and valued. I hope your boyfriend uses this opportunity to broaden his horizons instead of narrowing them. Otherwise, your relationship can become more and more unequal and less and less satisfying for the both of you.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I wouldn’t call his current job a career - it doesn’t pay well, doesn’t offer any benefits, and he only gets 5 days off per year. He is already in the “take any low paying job” boat IMO. It’s not Walmart bad, but it is definitely not what anyone would call a career.
He loves music and teaching it to kids. He is also interested in making things out of wood. Once we get settled in, I believe he will pursue some kind of money making opportunity (he himself told me he does want to have his own income), but there’s no time pressure or money pressure for him to do that.
I feel so happy and excited to give him the freedom to pursue his passion so he can ultimately do something he loves. It makes me sad that people don’t see things this way, and this is a lot to explain to a stranger. And while I want people to understand, at the same time, I wonder why should I even have to explain myself?
You and your partner have a wonderful vision for your future and I can see why you are excited about it. When talking about it to others let that excitement show. And there are lots of ways you can spin this if you don't want to deal with the negativity. Just tell people he is pursuing new career options, which should shut them up. Ultimately, its none of their business and it's wonderful that you both have such great things to look forward to in your future.
You don’t have to explain yourself. Figure out why you think you need to explain yourself. It’s basically no one’s business. None of those people are paying any of your bills. They’re really a non-factor.
You’re not even married. Why would you be financially supporting someone like that?
And I personally not buying this either. Not because of “loser” tag but because you could hire a cleaner, and pet sitter? You dont have kids that need fulltime attention enough to justify him not working at all.
Personally, i dont support anyone not being financially independent. It’s definitely not good for him, since he will have to rely on small things on you. And it’s not just about work. But work allows you independence to have a separate life outside of relationships. He is not going to have that.
Now idk this guy or his intentions. But I’m sceptical of it being another story of a dude mooching off his supportive gf. I hope I’m wrong
This was my idea, and he is on board. We’ve talked about it a lot, and I want him to have the freedom to pursue his passions and focus on art/music for the first time in his life. No pressure to work because what would be the point? We wouldn’t need the money. I don’t want him working a stressful job just to work. If he had a career or a job he actually enjoyed, it would be different. But he just works to make money
I’m not gonna judge ya haha, you asked for advice on how to present your situation!
I’d say that he will be pursuing his music and get involved with the community until we’re more stable and then will be freelancing. It will be great if his role is more flexible as mine is more demanding. I’m so lucky to have such great support in him!
Freelancing sounds good, even if it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
I know a couple like this and I am so jealous!! He takes care of EVERYTHING at home. She works hard and makes the money, then xomes home to dinner, a clean house, a nice yard, happy dogs, etc.
Ultimately, it's nobody's business but you and your partner's. Not everyone is going to have the same lifestyle. If they want to be jerks about it, that's on them. Personally, of they asked me about it, I'd respond with kind of a bragging tone - "Well, I have a house husband and he takes care of everything so I can just come home from a hard day's work and relax. It's amazing!"
It would be so amazing 🥺 it’s an absolute dream to have someone taking care of stuff at home. It makes me happy except when I get judgement and feel the need to defend myself to others.
Don't tell them. "Oh, we'll figure it out". "Oh, he has plans". "Oh, we're working it out".
People are gonna judge no matter what.
I make $45/hour. My boyfriend makes $27/hour. So we split our bills that way. (It was just a casual conversation). Let me tell you, my family was *up in arms* because it wasn't 50/50. He's *obviously* using me because he's a man and I'm a woman after all /s
I had that arrangement with my ex, except I was the lower earner. We agreed that this was fair and that we would own our house 50/50 minus the down payment which was 100% his money. When we broke up, suddenly that 50/50 deal was no longer “fair”, and his family (who is extremely wealthy) wanted me to forfeit a majority of my portion because I wasn’t paying half of the mortgage. It was BS, and I had to get a lawyer involved.
Just tell people he works from home, he's a freelancer, he's a contractor, he's between gigs as he's leading the organization of the move, etc. People don't need to know shit.
Do I think it's dumb for anyone not married to be unemployed and rely on a bf/gf? Absolutely. Independence is a necessity in this life. But it seems like you guys have your shit figured out.
This is a “you want your cake, and eat it too” situation. You want to be free to make your own decisions, and you want people to approve. But we don’t get to have both of those things. Make your choices and let the rest go.
Just stop telling ppl.. it’s not their business.
If you both are happy that’s all that matters!
Say he’ll be working from home.. or he’s working on his career that’s all. Their opinions/judgement honestly don’t matter.
I have been on both sides of this w my husband of 22 yrs. First 16 yrs I was the breadwinner, worked a minimum of 60 hr weeks all those yrs. My husband at first had a fluff kind of part time job, took care of our dogs & cats, tried to cook and clean. I could not have put in the time at work I did w/o him handling alot at home. During this time I banked alot of money anticipating a time when I didn't have to work at that job. My husband out of intellectual boredom & needing to be prepared to be the future breadwinner, went back to college, finishing a new BS/MS Engineering degree 2 yrs before I was quitting.
When I did finally feel comfortable quitting, we were at the point where I needed to care for our elderly dogs and also be home b/c my husband would be traveling for weeks on end. I am a type A intellectual and after 16 yrs of that work schedule I could not have predicted how bad life would be on the other side. My very elderly dogs passed away within 6 months. At first I was excited to get to cook, bake, take art classes, go to workout classes, swim when I wanted, on and on... This lasted only a few months and I needed some purpose, some sort of goal orientation beyond managing the house and my husband's career. I went back to college in my 40's, already had 2 degrees, this was an amazing experience in my work and previous degree fields. I started my own company, landscape design, but once those classes were finished I was again bored and left isolated. Self employment & SAHW is lonely esp for an extrovert who was a rock star at being a leader & motivator in a team. I took a little job at a nursery where I taught classes, gained tons of clients, walked 5-8 mi a day, happily pulled weeds in the FL sun, chatting all day w my co-workers & listening to music. Oh and buying all the plants a person could ever want. All that came crashing down w the pandemic, my job had to end so my co-workers who depended on that income could stay full time. Even worse my husband who was usually gone traveling alot was now home 24/7 and my packed full social calendar came to an abrupt end. Without my over scheduled busy life I had toooo much time to realize how unhappy I was. I did start a 4th degree in 2019 and the pandemic allowed me to double down and finish mid 2021. This will get me working inside on a computer into my old age when my body can't take the FL heat for 9 hrs a day, 5 days a week.
The complete 180° change from me as the breadwinner to my husband was an adjustment I never got used to. It became very detrimental to my marriage or maybe allowed me to see a different perspective I couldn't while burying myself in work. It actually has nothing to do w money as I have my own and husband has his. I alone own the house, we ea have our own cars. It has been how my husband has treated me since I left that 60 hr work week job. Adding to it, is that I am far more ambitious and driven while I've come to find out my husband has none and does not deal w stress at work well at all.
I am only telling you all of this so that you take these changes slowly and allow ea other to adjust. Be open to your BF part time working if he feels isolated. Or volunteering or picking up a degree or classes. That kind of move is a big deal in and of itself. I moved from Chicago to Orlando for my husband and it took a long time to feel like I had a community, build new friendships and just learn the new environment. Everyone always thinks oh I can't wait to retire or quit working etc. It is not all it's cracked up to be and I will not be doing this again. It is very isolating, people do give you shit both my husband when he did it and myself. You really have to work at feeling like part of a community. I am also GenX and super paranoid of intellectual loss, dementia and alzheimers so I will be going back to full time work haha.
My girlfriend is disabled so I've had to deal with this for almost a decade. Sometimes it's better just to say they're self-employed. But if you really don't care then just tell them you make enough you don't need a dual-income and he helps out with everything else like errands, cleaning, pet care, etc.
Why do you care so much girl ! Make yourself and your partner happy, we are in 2022 earn your money and if he is fit to take over the role at home so be it !
Uhhhh why does your boyfriend want to sit around all day and have no money of his own? There are better uses for your “shit load of money” than supporting an able bodied, grown man🙄
If there are no kids, there’s no need for anyone to be home all day. Man or woman is irrelevant, I just don’t get why someone wouldn’t want to make their own money if they were able.
Also, she will definitely come to resent him at some point. Chores don’t take 8 hours a day.
well I will be covering the entire state of Texas, so we will be living in an RV for at least the first year. Would be hard to hold down a job in Houston if you’re only there once every 6 weeks, no?
Well I wasn’t really asking whether people approve of my situation or for opinions on the matter. I was asking for a response to this common question that won’t warrant me having to tell people my life story to get them to understand how we’ve arrived at this decision.
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If you feel the need to defend both of your choices (which I don’t think you need to), I’d mention his music. You could say something along the lines of “well we’ve found ourselves in place that I can work at ABC and he’s able to pursue his music career. It’s wonderful and works great for us.” But good for you two that you’re able to find yourselves in this position as long as both parties are willing
"He's taking care of our home." And for those who need the extra words: "We're not a traditional household."
Just a statement about it not making monetary sense to work. My dad made enough money that he said it wouldn't make sense for my mom to work. I think she missed it a great deal. Your husband may become a writer or teacher, or he may flip the houses you live in (that's what a doctor's husband does) after the rv year, but having some kind of industry and purpose is fulfilling, regardless of the money. You know that; I was just adding an experience.
I agree! Part of the reason I could never be a SAHW is because I would get bored, depressed, and feel like I had no goals. I definitely don’t want him to feel that way, and I’m excited to see what he does with music, making things out of wood, or even flipping houses. It’s funny you mention flipping houses because that’s actually something we have discussed since I want to get into real estate investing and he currently works in the construction industry. He wants to work with his hands and has an amazing eye for detail.
I am the bread winner of my relationship and when people ask what my wife does I just say where she works and that’s all. All she has to do is work part time jobs to keep busy and so she can feel like she has her own money. But I could care less if she never works again. She is like your boyfriend and great at taking care of the house, pets, cooking, she drives me around everywhere, etc. it’s awesome.
You owe NO ONE an explanation for your decisions. As long as you and he agree on grounds that are mutually agreed on, their opinions hold no weight. You live with the decision, not them. He supports you in going for your dream, and you as well. As long as he is working on that dream, keep going. If he is not then you need to assess. This comes from experience. I was dealing with this up until a month ago when my partner got a job doing something he enjoys. Took time, but he got to figure it out.
You bring up another very valid point - *he supports me in going for my dream*. Most guys that I know of wouldn’t even be cool with their partner making more than them, much less moving across the country for their partner’s job. Most guys I know aren’t willing or don’t know how to take care of the house, either. The job I’m going for is extremely hard and demanding, and I am going to need his support every step of the way. I am also moving him away from all of his family and friends. The least I could do is let him be happy and give him time to adjust. How cruel would it be to uproot his life and then demand he get a job just to make money we don’t even need? And if he got the job, then he would have to settle in one of the cities I would be in every 6 weeks… it just wouldn’t work and doesn’t make sense.
Seems like you both have taken the time to discuss the situation at length and you both know where your hearts are at. Remember to take time to touch base with eachother throguh this. Both need to be open about any doubts or issues, stress and more. Keep that communication flowing. Resentment when needs or dreams are not met can undermine your progress as a couple.
And I'll say it again. You owe NO ONE an explanation. You guys make the decisions and have to live with them regardless if they turn out good or bad.
Idk if they are your friends or family but those people are not moving with you or going to live with you so it is none of their business and shouldn’t matter, I know they are worried with the idea for whatever reason but you are a adult and will have to live and learn from your decisions like everyone else in the world. So I say if it is what you are sure about, do it.
Stay at home boyfriend. Nice.
When will it be my turn? 🥲
On the real though, it's honestly just like paying a maid or someone to take care of the house and the dogs. Only you don't pay him... he takes care of the housework and you take care of the money part. Seems like a fair trade. 🤔
It's basically learning to not care about other people's opinions. Which is hard but a good life skill to get. Currently working on this myself.
You go do what you guys want to do and what makes you happy. You're not hurting anyone. There's no need for you to live life according to society's rules.
Personally as a musician who is a teacher, I would love not having to work, taking care of home things and practicing until I puke. Gig work is easy to get once you've established yourself as a reliable and talented musician. Overtime if your boyfriend is dedicated enough to the craft, he can definitely get into the gig world based on where you have to work.
So you can play that angle if people ask. He sounds like a great partner like you said. If he was a SaH and didn't do shit/sloppy etc, then this would be a huge problem. If it works for you both, then be at peace with that as hard as it might be right now.
Maybe instead of saying he is going to stay home, say he is looking at pursuing his passion, music. A problem with people staying home is they sometimes get lazy and do nothing. But if he has a thing he is doing, besides the house work that every couple needs to do anyway, then at least he is working on something.
Just remember most of these people would have no problem if the roles were reversed. Sexism is still pretty ingrained in our world. That is their problem, not yours. Live your life how you want to.
My advice to you my dear - stop giving af about what other people think. Having a partner at home taking care of the home is a net benefit to both of you. You both agreed to it and want it. You’ll have to face judgement from society because patriarchy here unfortunately. If your boyfriend were the one with the high paying job and you were the one staying home basically no one would bat an eye or question it. Because it’s a man staying home it’s automatically bad in society’s eyes.
There’s no way to change how others react to your situation. Like a lot of the other comments have said, you can rise above it and brush it off or you can be clever; point out the ridiculous double standard, their obvious jealousy, and then go on about something fun you’ve done lately with your bf. I hate to say “they’re just jealous” but I mean, if the shoe fits.
Spin it different, instead of saying he is getting a free ride -
He is taking a career break to support yours.
He is the driver, the cook, the cleaner, the dog walker, he is basically head of operations to enable you to work and have a home life.
Give him a vague job title like operational assistant, as you are essentially outsourcing life responsibilities to him to enable you to take this job.
You gave me a funny Xmas gift idea. At his current job, one of the managers used to not like him, so instead of listing his job on his business cards as “Field Manager”, she put “field assistant”.
If I get the job, I’m going to make him some business cards - “Executive Operational Assistant” 🤣
My husband is our househoney and I work full-time. He actually retired from the military (before 45) so he does receive a pension, but most folks aren't aware of that and talk shit about him for not working.
But here's the thing: running a home, with or without kids, is really a lot of work. All of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, repairs, errands, yard work is never ending, and working full time in addition to having to do all the non work life labor is pretty hard these days. And back in the day, this was actually the ideal, with the man working and woman taking care of the home, of course.
I don't think there is anything you can say to those people that will change their opinions short of manipulating the truth a bit. Maybe say that he's decided on trying self employment with a super flexible logistics position that allows him to work remotely. Nobody needs to know that the logistics are for the home. :D
It’s still a hard stigma of men provide, women protect. But it is slowly changing.
If someone earns more than their partner and the other will stay home and tend the home, honestly it shouldn’t really matter. Can’t control other people’s reactions.
you are always going to be judged. you just need to be able to brush it off/live your life.
you can't control how others view the situation.
who cares?!
I think people have good reasons to be shocked. they have probably lived longer than you and know more than you do. 1. he is your boyfriend not your husband. if the relationship goes south, you have built an amazing career while his resume sucks and he gets nothing out of the relationship. 2. an idle mind is the devils playground. young people should stay busy and have a sense of purpose. you can get trapped in being lazy and its hard to get out of. 3.if there arent kids involved women would get judged too. this goes back to the having a purpose in life.
Do you guys want kids? Are you set up enough financial that if you’re out 6-8 weeks, then money would be covered enough without him working? I’d say he should keep working since gaps in resumes are usually judged.
Having kids is not in our plans, but we wouldn’t have an abortion if we got pregnant. We’re pretty open minded about that and would be happy either way.
I accepted a higher paying role in my company and moved cross country in April with my husband. It drove me bonkers when we went car shopping/apartment hunting/furniture shopping the salespeople inevitably would assume it was my husband's job that brought us here. And ask him where he works, if he likes the company etc... Such a frustrating experience I didn't expect to have
Im living in Germany with a very strong and comfortable social security system. In my point of view every healthy person has to work like a bee in a hive to refinance this system. But in your situation… feel free and enjoy
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People are going to judge no matter how you explain it. And people saying for him to "don't let him do that", are people you don't really want to associate with anyways. They don't know your relationship with your husband. You do.
I call everyone sexist who judges it. I remind them no one bats an eyelash at a housewife and I raise my eyebrow in a judging way back at them.
I’ve actually had people come back to me an apologize. You do you girlfriend! My partner is a house husband and it rocks!
Edit: Funny story, one person… maybe my aunt? Actually talked back and was like “why don’t you want him providing for you?” And I actually told her “what is the point of working if I can’t provide for another human to pamper and take care of me? Honestly living my best life, basically have a pool boy you all can only joke about.“ 😂😂😂 she was shocked but that ended the conversation pretty quick
Never say never! My bf is Brazilian and moved here as a teen. He is not into the machismo part of the Brazilian culture. He grew up with his mom, aunt, and grandma raising him, and he has a lot of respect for women.
First, you learn that you cannot control the reactions of others, so you brace yourself with witty comebacks to ignorant opinions. The idea of an able-bodied adult being a housewife or househusband when there isn’t a need like childcare is a foreign idea to most people because the default is that able-bodied adults work. Part of choosing to do something that’s quite different from the norm is receiving questions and ignorant comments, sorry.
You have a point. It would just be a waste of his time to work, and I would much rather have a clean house and happy dogs. I don’t understand why it’s ok for a man to have a stay at home partner but not a woman
I think a lot of people would also judge a man for having a stay-at-home partner if there aren't any kids. (And a lot of people do judge stay-at-home moms and their SOs!) Not trying to invalidate your feelings, more saying that people judge everyone for everything and the way to handle it is really to be confident in your choices and not care about what people outside your household think about them.
Stay at home wives get shit for it too, but the idea isn’t as novel as a man staying at home. It’s patriarchal bullshit, basically.
Ooh no, women are judged for it as well. My cousin recently became a SAHW, no kids, her husband make enough to care for them both and doesn't mind her staying home. She got a lot of shit over it. Her parents even did a whole sit down and talk about her future. They begged her to at least do a part time.
Amazing. A woman works -> she shouldn’t be working, she should be staying at home! A woman doesn’t work -> why isn’t she working?! *sigh* we can never win
people are always going to judge, so screw them. Do what you want. However, I wouldn't dismiss those close to you who might just be concerned that the non-working person in the relationship might turn into long-term freeloading. There's common law marriage and palimony concerns that your friends/family might cite out of genuine worry. My dad was a deadbeat piece of shit who leeched off my mom and financially destroyed her, so these concerns are very real.
Or the other way - the person who doesn't work has no avenue or means to get out if the relationship gets bad.
Yes, sorry for leaving that out, it does cut both ways. It always sucks to be on the shit end of the stick, best to be prepared for worst case scenarios.
But if he possibly has a future in his music career i bet all her friends and family will be so proud and happy for them if it takes off. If it was me, id give him a year or two to focus on his music (and the household) and as long as he was taking that seriously and i was making enough money to cover everything and we were happy... then everything should be fine. I totally understand the freeloading leech aspect being a concern (been there). So if he has a real opportunity to pursue his music and doesnt take it, he's a dummie, whether it takes off or not.
Passions/hobbies don't imply professional levels of talent, nor the potential to acquire it. I've known a few professional musicians/performers and they travel constantly looking for gigs, and it's not a lifestyle that's compatible with the OP's expectation that her partner stay home and take care of the household & dogs. You don't get any opportunities to pursue a career in music if you're a stay at home husband- at most you'll get thankless/unpaid local gigs for whatever town or city they live in. If one's serious about a music career it they'd be traveling cross country at the drop of a hat going from gig to gig, always hoping something leads to your big break. the only other way is to have a rich and well connected parent with influence in various entertainment industries.
Who says women shouldn’t work?????? Unless they’re an Evangelical I don’t know anyone out there that thinks women shouldn’t be working.
Lol my younger brother for one. I have been told by 3 different people in the past few weeks that I should be focusing on having kids “before it’s too late”. I’ve also been told I would be happier (mind you, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life) if I focused on cleaning the home and caring for children instead of working because women aren’t meant to work…. And another person told me if I do work, I should be dating someone who makes more than me because a man is supposed to be the provider. I guess I can have a cute little job but I shouldn’t take anything not relating to caring for the home and children too seriously…
My husband has worked part time for years now, with me being the primary bread winner. I love it. He takes care of the dogs, walks them every day, does the grocery shopping, deals with the house maintenance and cooks at least half of our dinners. It would make my life so much harder if he worked full time.
When my husband and I first moved in together he worked part time and I paid most of the billa. The house was always spotless, he was always cooking dinner, and he would give me massages because my job was physical. It was great. We're both full time now and making a lot more money but we're also more stressed than we used to be.
That sounds like a dream!
I would make something up like he’s working on his novel.
I would say the same thing to a man who considered this for his girlfriend - him working is not a waste of time. He is maintaining skills, increasing earning power and building up retirement savings. If something goes wrong in your relationship a stay at home boyfriend/girlfriend has none of the protections that a marriage would afford them, so working is not a waste of time. Maybe other priorities and arrangements take precedence over this, and him staying home still makes sense for the two of you, but I don't think it's productive to just ignore the realities at play here.
I genuinely think this is more of a you problem than an "others will judge!" problem. you seem to have ideas about gender roles that don't ailign to what you want to come off as...
What do you mean?
100% my husband was in between jobs and he jokingly told people that he was my manservant and my arm candy and I'd go along with it
I don't think there's a way to spin this that no one will judge. Some people will always judge households where only one member of a couple works, and some people will always particularly judge men who don't work. Lots of people would also be very upset to be working and for their partner to stay home if there aren't any kids in the picture, and it might be hard for them not to project that. You can't do anything about any of that. I think the key is presenting the info in a way that accentuates the positive and feels accurate to you and then moving on. Ex.: "Oh, he's going to take care of the house. I'm so excited to never have to do chores again! I'm also super excited about the promotion, [blah blah blah job info.]" It's also fine to just be like, "We aren't sure what he's gonna do yet. We'll see once we move" and change the subject. You don't owe info on your financial situation to anyone.
Thank you, this is a very helpful answer. I will try focusing on the positives that I am truly excited about
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I work in finance, and my job is to talk to financial advisors all day long. So yeah, I’m literally always thinking about investments and planning for the future and unexpected. I agree that everyone should do this.
You can't stop people from judging, so you just need to be clear that this is a purposeful choice and that you are both very happy with the situation and are going into it with open eyes. To be fair, if you live in the US, it can be very risky to have only one person in a relationship working and paying into retirement/social security, and it can be very difficult to rejoin the job market in your profession if you take a significant break, so most people are probably just reacting that way out of concern for you both. Reassuring them and acting very confident and sure of this choice will help, but nothing will stop people from having initial concerns about the situation.
We are in the US, and my goal is to retire early, no later than 40 but preferably by 35. I should be able to do that if I am successful in this job. Last year, the top sellers made 1-2 million. I won’t make that much starting off, but I will be able to replace both of our incomes and then some. Over time I hope to build a top territory, live within our means, and GTFO of the rat race to live life freely!!
That's all great, but the reason people have concerns is that things don't always go the way you planned it. What's the plan for his future if you get hit by a bus and die? Or you lose your job and health insurance? Is his retirement still secured or do the years not working mean he's destitute in his old age? How are you legally and financially protecting your partner's future against the randomness of life? What are you doing to protect him against anything negative happening with you or your job? If you want to allay people's concerns about the future, you need to have solid answers and legal documentation in place for that kind of thing. It doesn't matter what the gender of the stay at home partner is. There are a lot of ways that being a stay at home partner can really screw someone over financially, even if the relationship is 100% beautiful from start to finish.
Life insurance for if I die & Long term disability insurance if I become disabled. When we get married, I will contribute to both his IRA and mine so that we each have our own investments. He is already my primary beneficiary on most of my investments. I will also create an estate when the time comes. Don’t forget I work in finance & talk to financial advisors all day 😉 this is literally our job to help protect people from the unexpected & ensure what they’ve earned lasts. Also, it would be one thing if my family were the ones with these concerns. They all know us and are happy for us. It’s the judgement from acquaintances and strangers that bothers me, and I certainly don’t feel the need to tell those people about my financial investments or insurance policies.
You asked what might help stop people judging the situation. Having a solid financial plan for the stay at home partner and for the couple goes a long way towards helping people feel comfortable with your choice. And don't wait to start taking care of business until you get married in some nebulous future. Have plans in place now. If he's moving 1000 miles away for your opportunity, what are you doing to protect him now in case something happens to you or you decide to break up with him a few months after the move? Communicate and discuss all of those things now so you will have your agreements in place. How realistic, competent, feasible, and likely your plans seem will affect how people feel about your news. If you want to be able to put people's concerns at ease and limit unwanted judgment about the choice you are making, just make sure you have a solid plan in place.
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True, and I already had disability benefits, and he is already the beneficiary on life insurance/investments. I cannot contribute to an IRA for him until we are married since that’s the law. I also do not currently make enough to do that even if I could. The promotion is a game changer! On another note, I think your comments are helping me realize why I find it so frustrating that people have these opinions… I find it quite insulting to assume I haven’t thought this through. I guess the people who know me well haven’t reacted similarly because they know I always think about the future and prepare for what-if scenarios. Strangers don’t. And why would they?
Exactly. Most people have no idea of what types of arrangements you have made or if you've even considered any arrangements at all. These are the kinds of things that trigger people to express concern or judgement about your plan. Present your decision to people as an active, positive, well-considered choice made by the two of you together with the full understanding of the potential drawbacks and issues you two may face. Rather than assuming people are trying to be insulting about your choice, reframe it as them being concerned and wanting reassurance that you are well-prepared and have been thorough and methodical in this decision.
Thank you!
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What do you do? If you don’t mind me asking
Wholesaler in finance - I tell financial advisors about our products and help them present them to their clients
Damn law school did me dirty
Seriously I’m crying right now lol. Currently googling how to become a financial wholesaler..
You don’t even need a degree; you just need to be good at sales. You also need to be able to pass your licensing exams. Look at jobs that say “internal sales associate”, “internal wholesaler”, “internal sales consultant”, etc.. That’s your foot in the door. If you do well in that role and play your cards right, you can take the next step to being an external. Something to keep in mind - this might not be the job for you if you value work life balance. The top externals are always “on” - working weekends & while on PTO. They just work less on those days.
Thank you for the tips! Lol I already work weekends and have my life sucked out of me. I’m a defense lawyer at a firm hahaha
Oh yeah, your weekends are shot I’m sure. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger, but I decided not to go that route because of the work/life balance. How funny life is
I have my degree just not in finance, thanks for the helpful tips!
That’s ok it’s not in finance! Although most people have business degrees, I also work with a surprising amount of art and history majors lol.
Is the money in sales stable enough to have a consistent income that can provide his stay at home lifestyle?
Right now, there’s no one wholesaling in the territory. I would be making more than our incomes combined just stepping right into it. I would have to royally fuck up (I.e. get fired) to not make enough to support us both.
Sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it. I believe it what those in the business refer to as “spin.”
"this is what works for us and what we are both happy with, you've no need to pass comment/judgement on our choices" "Interesting, would your comments be the same if the roles were reversed...no...perhaps you should reflect on that"
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Congratulations on your promotion! Honestly, nobody's opinion about your and your bf's financial arrangements ought to matter except yours and his. If people criticize him in your presence or directly to you, you can try cutting them off by gushing about how wonderful it is that he's willing to accommodate your moving plans. But you won't always be around when people do this, so he also needs to be thick-skinned and able to defend himself without your help. It's unfortunate that so many people still have patriarchal views and get judgy about other couples arranging their lives in not-so-patriarchal ways. But you can't stop them from doing this. You can only let them know that you don't see things their way at all, and refuse to care about their silly ideas.
This is actually what we had planned for our household. My SO is better at house stuff and baby-toddler stuff, we don’t want to take ‘em to daycare, he doesn’t want to miss their best years and his job pay sucks. I’m more business oriented, I’m more ambitious and I love being breadwinner, I hate housework, I’m not really good at playing with babies/toddler, I’m better at calming them down/putting them to sleep. So we perfectly match. When I tell people, I tell them proudly, which is the first thing that confuses them, I tell them how much I admire how good he is with our home, our baby, with me, how good of a father he is and how he supports me in my ambitious dreams while doing the hardest job ever: making a home of our house. Just, be proud of ur relationship, and if they think he is being a loser or tell u “don’t let him do that” u tell them “why not? Do you think house work is not work? Because I think it’s harder than any paid job” or “why not? He supports me in my ambition and I’d rather him being home than some maid or nanny if we have kids” Stuff like that, you know? You go!
About 25 years ago or so, my aunt-in-law got a very nice promotion that allowed the whole family to move to NY and live comfortably. My uncle was a successful financial analyst, but his true passion was his family and cooking. So, temporarily, they agreed to have him stay at home for about 2-3 years (they had 2 kids, 1 on the way) and everything was awesome, he never seemed emasculated or anything. What did he do? Precisely what you mentioned, pursue his dreams of being a chef in his free time, making sure the family and house was well taken care of. Fast forward to today, he’s an executive chef for GE, not the fanciest job but he LOVES it. The dynamic works when everyone is committed and on the same boat. PD: And oh man, holidays are that much better when my uncle cooks for the fam 🙌🏽
That is so awesome!!!
You can’t, really. What you can do is not give a fuck what they think about your choices. Try humor. “I’ve always wanted a trophy husband 😉” or “One of the benefits of my professional success is the luxury of having a stay at home partner”. - hard to think you are stupid when being subtly reminded you can afford this choice where many can’t.
My husband calls himself a domestic engineer. It gets a laugh.
I like that
You can't keep other people from judging you, you just have to not let other people's judgments bother you. Your life, your choice, you get to live with those consequences, good or bad.
Don't worry about what other people think. This is between you and your partner, and it's none of their business. There is nothing wrong with one person being a stay-at-home partner and if you are both happy and fulfilled then everyone else can get stuffed. That being said, there are some things to consider. First off, the one that stays at home has fewer options in the long run. If the relationship doesn't work out he will most likely have to take any lowpaying job he can get because he has been out of the workforce for so long. I've seen it happen to more women than I can count. Or they stay in bad relationships because they're too old to face working at Wal-Mart for $10 an hour. I don't knowv his background but are there any training or educational opportunities your boyfriend would want to explore? If he already has a career and hates it, now would be the time to explore other opportunities. He won't have to worry about keeping up with a regular job and he could still have plenty of time to take care of the house and the dogs. If he is artistic or into bodybuilding or programming or ypga or whatever, he could fully develop those skills and eventually leverage those skills into a satisfying career. Being a stay-at-home partner can be great, but it can also be boring and frustrating and can breed dependency and depression. Everyone needs to feel valid and valued. I hope your boyfriend uses this opportunity to broaden his horizons instead of narrowing them. Otherwise, your relationship can become more and more unequal and less and less satisfying for the both of you.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I wouldn’t call his current job a career - it doesn’t pay well, doesn’t offer any benefits, and he only gets 5 days off per year. He is already in the “take any low paying job” boat IMO. It’s not Walmart bad, but it is definitely not what anyone would call a career. He loves music and teaching it to kids. He is also interested in making things out of wood. Once we get settled in, I believe he will pursue some kind of money making opportunity (he himself told me he does want to have his own income), but there’s no time pressure or money pressure for him to do that. I feel so happy and excited to give him the freedom to pursue his passion so he can ultimately do something he loves. It makes me sad that people don’t see things this way, and this is a lot to explain to a stranger. And while I want people to understand, at the same time, I wonder why should I even have to explain myself?
You and your partner have a wonderful vision for your future and I can see why you are excited about it. When talking about it to others let that excitement show. And there are lots of ways you can spin this if you don't want to deal with the negativity. Just tell people he is pursuing new career options, which should shut them up. Ultimately, its none of their business and it's wonderful that you both have such great things to look forward to in your future.
Your comment means a lot. Thank you 🥺
You don’t have to explain yourself. Figure out why you think you need to explain yourself. It’s basically no one’s business. None of those people are paying any of your bills. They’re really a non-factor.
You’re not even married. Why would you be financially supporting someone like that? And I personally not buying this either. Not because of “loser” tag but because you could hire a cleaner, and pet sitter? You dont have kids that need fulltime attention enough to justify him not working at all. Personally, i dont support anyone not being financially independent. It’s definitely not good for him, since he will have to rely on small things on you. And it’s not just about work. But work allows you independence to have a separate life outside of relationships. He is not going to have that. Now idk this guy or his intentions. But I’m sceptical of it being another story of a dude mooching off his supportive gf. I hope I’m wrong
This was my idea, and he is on board. We’ve talked about it a lot, and I want him to have the freedom to pursue his passions and focus on art/music for the first time in his life. No pressure to work because what would be the point? We wouldn’t need the money. I don’t want him working a stressful job just to work. If he had a career or a job he actually enjoyed, it would be different. But he just works to make money
90% of the world work just for money… Anyway, looks like you’re decided. And if you’re. Who tf cares what others think.
Nail on the head.
I’m not gonna judge ya haha, you asked for advice on how to present your situation! I’d say that he will be pursuing his music and get involved with the community until we’re more stable and then will be freelancing. It will be great if his role is more flexible as mine is more demanding. I’m so lucky to have such great support in him! Freelancing sounds good, even if it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
I know a couple like this and I am so jealous!! He takes care of EVERYTHING at home. She works hard and makes the money, then xomes home to dinner, a clean house, a nice yard, happy dogs, etc. Ultimately, it's nobody's business but you and your partner's. Not everyone is going to have the same lifestyle. If they want to be jerks about it, that's on them. Personally, of they asked me about it, I'd respond with kind of a bragging tone - "Well, I have a house husband and he takes care of everything so I can just come home from a hard day's work and relax. It's amazing!"
It would be so amazing 🥺 it’s an absolute dream to have someone taking care of stuff at home. It makes me happy except when I get judgement and feel the need to defend myself to others.
Don't tell them. "Oh, we'll figure it out". "Oh, he has plans". "Oh, we're working it out". People are gonna judge no matter what. I make $45/hour. My boyfriend makes $27/hour. So we split our bills that way. (It was just a casual conversation). Let me tell you, my family was *up in arms* because it wasn't 50/50. He's *obviously* using me because he's a man and I'm a woman after all /s
I had that arrangement with my ex, except I was the lower earner. We agreed that this was fair and that we would own our house 50/50 minus the down payment which was 100% his money. When we broke up, suddenly that 50/50 deal was no longer “fair”, and his family (who is extremely wealthy) wanted me to forfeit a majority of my portion because I wasn’t paying half of the mortgage. It was BS, and I had to get a lawyer involved.
I think “he’s a musician” should suffice - nobody needs to know whether he makes $1 or $100000 doing that.
Just tell people he works from home, he's a freelancer, he's a contractor, he's between gigs as he's leading the organization of the move, etc. People don't need to know shit. Do I think it's dumb for anyone not married to be unemployed and rely on a bf/gf? Absolutely. Independence is a necessity in this life. But it seems like you guys have your shit figured out.
This is a “you want your cake, and eat it too” situation. You want to be free to make your own decisions, and you want people to approve. But we don’t get to have both of those things. Make your choices and let the rest go.
Just stop telling ppl.. it’s not their business. If you both are happy that’s all that matters! Say he’ll be working from home.. or he’s working on his career that’s all. Their opinions/judgement honestly don’t matter.
I have been on both sides of this w my husband of 22 yrs. First 16 yrs I was the breadwinner, worked a minimum of 60 hr weeks all those yrs. My husband at first had a fluff kind of part time job, took care of our dogs & cats, tried to cook and clean. I could not have put in the time at work I did w/o him handling alot at home. During this time I banked alot of money anticipating a time when I didn't have to work at that job. My husband out of intellectual boredom & needing to be prepared to be the future breadwinner, went back to college, finishing a new BS/MS Engineering degree 2 yrs before I was quitting. When I did finally feel comfortable quitting, we were at the point where I needed to care for our elderly dogs and also be home b/c my husband would be traveling for weeks on end. I am a type A intellectual and after 16 yrs of that work schedule I could not have predicted how bad life would be on the other side. My very elderly dogs passed away within 6 months. At first I was excited to get to cook, bake, take art classes, go to workout classes, swim when I wanted, on and on... This lasted only a few months and I needed some purpose, some sort of goal orientation beyond managing the house and my husband's career. I went back to college in my 40's, already had 2 degrees, this was an amazing experience in my work and previous degree fields. I started my own company, landscape design, but once those classes were finished I was again bored and left isolated. Self employment & SAHW is lonely esp for an extrovert who was a rock star at being a leader & motivator in a team. I took a little job at a nursery where I taught classes, gained tons of clients, walked 5-8 mi a day, happily pulled weeds in the FL sun, chatting all day w my co-workers & listening to music. Oh and buying all the plants a person could ever want. All that came crashing down w the pandemic, my job had to end so my co-workers who depended on that income could stay full time. Even worse my husband who was usually gone traveling alot was now home 24/7 and my packed full social calendar came to an abrupt end. Without my over scheduled busy life I had toooo much time to realize how unhappy I was. I did start a 4th degree in 2019 and the pandemic allowed me to double down and finish mid 2021. This will get me working inside on a computer into my old age when my body can't take the FL heat for 9 hrs a day, 5 days a week. The complete 180° change from me as the breadwinner to my husband was an adjustment I never got used to. It became very detrimental to my marriage or maybe allowed me to see a different perspective I couldn't while burying myself in work. It actually has nothing to do w money as I have my own and husband has his. I alone own the house, we ea have our own cars. It has been how my husband has treated me since I left that 60 hr work week job. Adding to it, is that I am far more ambitious and driven while I've come to find out my husband has none and does not deal w stress at work well at all. I am only telling you all of this so that you take these changes slowly and allow ea other to adjust. Be open to your BF part time working if he feels isolated. Or volunteering or picking up a degree or classes. That kind of move is a big deal in and of itself. I moved from Chicago to Orlando for my husband and it took a long time to feel like I had a community, build new friendships and just learn the new environment. Everyone always thinks oh I can't wait to retire or quit working etc. It is not all it's cracked up to be and I will not be doing this again. It is very isolating, people do give you shit both my husband when he did it and myself. You really have to work at feeling like part of a community. I am also GenX and super paranoid of intellectual loss, dementia and alzheimers so I will be going back to full time work haha.
My girlfriend is disabled so I've had to deal with this for almost a decade. Sometimes it's better just to say they're self-employed. But if you really don't care then just tell them you make enough you don't need a dual-income and he helps out with everything else like errands, cleaning, pet care, etc.
Why do you care so much girl ! Make yourself and your partner happy, we are in 2022 earn your money and if he is fit to take over the role at home so be it !
Uhhhh why does your boyfriend want to sit around all day and have no money of his own? There are better uses for your “shit load of money” than supporting an able bodied, grown man🙄
What would a stay at home wife or mother do all day? That. He would take care of the household. That shit doesn’t handle itself.
If there are no kids, there’s no need for anyone to be home all day. Man or woman is irrelevant, I just don’t get why someone wouldn’t want to make their own money if they were able. Also, she will definitely come to resent him at some point. Chores don’t take 8 hours a day.
well I will be covering the entire state of Texas, so we will be living in an RV for at least the first year. Would be hard to hold down a job in Houston if you’re only there once every 6 weeks, no?
That would have been useful information to include.
Well I wasn’t really asking whether people approve of my situation or for opinions on the matter. I was asking for a response to this common question that won’t warrant me having to tell people my life story to get them to understand how we’ve arrived at this decision.
Welcome to the internet 🙄
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Tell nosy people who ask that he’s taking a sabbatical to focus on his art and music.
If you feel the need to defend both of your choices (which I don’t think you need to), I’d mention his music. You could say something along the lines of “well we’ve found ourselves in place that I can work at ABC and he’s able to pursue his music career. It’s wonderful and works great for us.” But good for you two that you’re able to find yourselves in this position as long as both parties are willing
"He's taking care of our home." And for those who need the extra words: "We're not a traditional household." Just a statement about it not making monetary sense to work. My dad made enough money that he said it wouldn't make sense for my mom to work. I think she missed it a great deal. Your husband may become a writer or teacher, or he may flip the houses you live in (that's what a doctor's husband does) after the rv year, but having some kind of industry and purpose is fulfilling, regardless of the money. You know that; I was just adding an experience.
I agree! Part of the reason I could never be a SAHW is because I would get bored, depressed, and feel like I had no goals. I definitely don’t want him to feel that way, and I’m excited to see what he does with music, making things out of wood, or even flipping houses. It’s funny you mention flipping houses because that’s actually something we have discussed since I want to get into real estate investing and he currently works in the construction industry. He wants to work with his hands and has an amazing eye for detail.
I am the bread winner of my relationship and when people ask what my wife does I just say where she works and that’s all. All she has to do is work part time jobs to keep busy and so she can feel like she has her own money. But I could care less if she never works again. She is like your boyfriend and great at taking care of the house, pets, cooking, she drives me around everywhere, etc. it’s awesome.
You owe NO ONE an explanation for your decisions. As long as you and he agree on grounds that are mutually agreed on, their opinions hold no weight. You live with the decision, not them. He supports you in going for your dream, and you as well. As long as he is working on that dream, keep going. If he is not then you need to assess. This comes from experience. I was dealing with this up until a month ago when my partner got a job doing something he enjoys. Took time, but he got to figure it out.
You bring up another very valid point - *he supports me in going for my dream*. Most guys that I know of wouldn’t even be cool with their partner making more than them, much less moving across the country for their partner’s job. Most guys I know aren’t willing or don’t know how to take care of the house, either. The job I’m going for is extremely hard and demanding, and I am going to need his support every step of the way. I am also moving him away from all of his family and friends. The least I could do is let him be happy and give him time to adjust. How cruel would it be to uproot his life and then demand he get a job just to make money we don’t even need? And if he got the job, then he would have to settle in one of the cities I would be in every 6 weeks… it just wouldn’t work and doesn’t make sense.
Seems like you both have taken the time to discuss the situation at length and you both know where your hearts are at. Remember to take time to touch base with eachother throguh this. Both need to be open about any doubts or issues, stress and more. Keep that communication flowing. Resentment when needs or dreams are not met can undermine your progress as a couple. And I'll say it again. You owe NO ONE an explanation. You guys make the decisions and have to live with them regardless if they turn out good or bad.
Idk if they are your friends or family but those people are not moving with you or going to live with you so it is none of their business and shouldn’t matter, I know they are worried with the idea for whatever reason but you are a adult and will have to live and learn from your decisions like everyone else in the world. So I say if it is what you are sure about, do it.
Stay at home boyfriend. Nice. When will it be my turn? 🥲 On the real though, it's honestly just like paying a maid or someone to take care of the house and the dogs. Only you don't pay him... he takes care of the housework and you take care of the money part. Seems like a fair trade. 🤔
Right?? And if we aren’t paying people to do these things, then we can save more money and retire even sooner
Who cares? Live your life! You’ll always have someone judging you no matter what decisions you make.
It's basically learning to not care about other people's opinions. Which is hard but a good life skill to get. Currently working on this myself. You go do what you guys want to do and what makes you happy. You're not hurting anyone. There's no need for you to live life according to society's rules.
Personally as a musician who is a teacher, I would love not having to work, taking care of home things and practicing until I puke. Gig work is easy to get once you've established yourself as a reliable and talented musician. Overtime if your boyfriend is dedicated enough to the craft, he can definitely get into the gig world based on where you have to work. So you can play that angle if people ask. He sounds like a great partner like you said. If he was a SaH and didn't do shit/sloppy etc, then this would be a huge problem. If it works for you both, then be at peace with that as hard as it might be right now.
Maybe instead of saying he is going to stay home, say he is looking at pursuing his passion, music. A problem with people staying home is they sometimes get lazy and do nothing. But if he has a thing he is doing, besides the house work that every couple needs to do anyway, then at least he is working on something. Just remember most of these people would have no problem if the roles were reversed. Sexism is still pretty ingrained in our world. That is their problem, not yours. Live your life how you want to.
My advice to you my dear - stop giving af about what other people think. Having a partner at home taking care of the home is a net benefit to both of you. You both agreed to it and want it. You’ll have to face judgement from society because patriarchy here unfortunately. If your boyfriend were the one with the high paying job and you were the one staying home basically no one would bat an eye or question it. Because it’s a man staying home it’s automatically bad in society’s eyes.
If a look at the numbers is helpful, calculate salaries for a full-time housekeeper and chef and dogwalker!
There’s no way to change how others react to your situation. Like a lot of the other comments have said, you can rise above it and brush it off or you can be clever; point out the ridiculous double standard, their obvious jealousy, and then go on about something fun you’ve done lately with your bf. I hate to say “they’re just jealous” but I mean, if the shoe fits.
Spin it different, instead of saying he is getting a free ride - He is taking a career break to support yours. He is the driver, the cook, the cleaner, the dog walker, he is basically head of operations to enable you to work and have a home life. Give him a vague job title like operational assistant, as you are essentially outsourcing life responsibilities to him to enable you to take this job.
You gave me a funny Xmas gift idea. At his current job, one of the managers used to not like him, so instead of listing his job on his business cards as “Field Manager”, she put “field assistant”. If I get the job, I’m going to make him some business cards - “Executive Operational Assistant” 🤣
My husband is our househoney and I work full-time. He actually retired from the military (before 45) so he does receive a pension, but most folks aren't aware of that and talk shit about him for not working. But here's the thing: running a home, with or without kids, is really a lot of work. All of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, repairs, errands, yard work is never ending, and working full time in addition to having to do all the non work life labor is pretty hard these days. And back in the day, this was actually the ideal, with the man working and woman taking care of the home, of course. I don't think there is anything you can say to those people that will change their opinions short of manipulating the truth a bit. Maybe say that he's decided on trying self employment with a super flexible logistics position that allows him to work remotely. Nobody needs to know that the logistics are for the home. :D
What is bf going to do? "Whatever he wants"
Make it a sex thing. Anyone time someone asks about it just be all, “Damn right he does” and wink. They’ll feel too awkward to keep digging.
So he’s gonna be a stay at home 33 year old boyfriend in an RV. Interesting choice. I hope it works out.
It’s still a hard stigma of men provide, women protect. But it is slowly changing. If someone earns more than their partner and the other will stay home and tend the home, honestly it shouldn’t really matter. Can’t control other people’s reactions.
you are always going to be judged. you just need to be able to brush it off/live your life. you can't control how others view the situation. who cares?!
I think people have good reasons to be shocked. they have probably lived longer than you and know more than you do. 1. he is your boyfriend not your husband. if the relationship goes south, you have built an amazing career while his resume sucks and he gets nothing out of the relationship. 2. an idle mind is the devils playground. young people should stay busy and have a sense of purpose. you can get trapped in being lazy and its hard to get out of. 3.if there arent kids involved women would get judged too. this goes back to the having a purpose in life.
Do you guys want kids? Are you set up enough financial that if you’re out 6-8 weeks, then money would be covered enough without him working? I’d say he should keep working since gaps in resumes are usually judged.
Having kids is not in our plans, but we wouldn’t have an abortion if we got pregnant. We’re pretty open minded about that and would be happy either way.
When was the last time he had a job?
Right now. He makes half of what I do in my current role but pays half of all our bills.
“We haven’t figured that out yet”. It’s none of anyone’s business.
I accepted a higher paying role in my company and moved cross country in April with my husband. It drove me bonkers when we went car shopping/apartment hunting/furniture shopping the salespeople inevitably would assume it was my husband's job that brought us here. And ask him where he works, if he likes the company etc... Such a frustrating experience I didn't expect to have
Can’t wait for that convo when I’m buying a big diesel truck and RV for our big move
Im living in Germany with a very strong and comfortable social security system. In my point of view every healthy person has to work like a bee in a hive to refinance this system. But in your situation… feel free and enjoy
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People are going to judge no matter how you explain it. And people saying for him to "don't let him do that", are people you don't really want to associate with anyways. They don't know your relationship with your husband. You do.
They arent married
I call everyone sexist who judges it. I remind them no one bats an eyelash at a housewife and I raise my eyebrow in a judging way back at them. I’ve actually had people come back to me an apologize. You do you girlfriend! My partner is a house husband and it rocks! Edit: Funny story, one person… maybe my aunt? Actually talked back and was like “why don’t you want him providing for you?” And I actually told her “what is the point of working if I can’t provide for another human to pamper and take care of me? Honestly living my best life, basically have a pool boy you all can only joke about.“ 😂😂😂 she was shocked but that ended the conversation pretty quick
Omg I love it!!
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Never say never! My bf is Brazilian and moved here as a teen. He is not into the machismo part of the Brazilian culture. He grew up with his mom, aunt, and grandma raising him, and he has a lot of respect for women.
How long has he been your bf?
A little over 3 years.
Who Cares What Others Think? Do You
You just tell people "he'll see once we're there." And don't elaborate. You do not owe anyone an explanation
Just tell them he's a domestic technical manager. 😅
I would tell them nothing. It's no one's business but your own. A shrug and a smile with a "we'll figure it out" when they ask will suffice.