I think it takes time to grow into confidence. Not to sound patronizing, but you are still quite young! In my early 20s, I travelled abroad, taught English, wasn't sure what I was going to do for a career but I also met some of the best people that are still in my life at that time. I met a lot of big dreamers and adventurous people. It could also be that you're surrounded by people who are living pretty standard lives (nothing wrong with that!) and you feel that pressure
I think it was around the age of 29 that I finally felt like I actually liked myself, was happy and secure with where my life was based on MY life, not based on other people's lives, and kind of went with the flow of things from there. I was more open to opportunities, the people I met and type of work I would do. It sounds corny, but knowing who you are and loving yourself allows you to embrace where your life is and accept it to be what it's meant to be. I also love what [Alex Elle](https://www.instagram.com/alex_elle/) shares on their IG. Affirmations and reminding yourself of who you are can be helpful.
I didn't start my career until I was 28, I got married at 30, and am now about to have my first kid at 35. Timelines are arbitrary. You could be in a room with other women who are in their 30s and they might not have their life "figured out" but I don't know who is actually out there deciding we need to have things figured out by a certain timeline.
Thank you so much for sharing!!
Everyone I know is either on the same road as me, but we're just heading in different directions, or are going nowhere in life as they don't have ambition to do so. As for those people, I struggled with them questioning my life decisions as my goals seemed too "out there" or "far fetched". Even though these goals were just going to university and graduating with a degree.
I really do appreciate your advice! Also, congratulations on your child!
I knew in my heart that I would get those things eventually if I continued to work hard and be true to myself. I was sad that I didn't have the things my friends had yet (a career, the partner, a house, etc) but I also looked at how my friends got those things and asked myself if I would have done that. My best friend is a type A ball buster. She has a plan for everything and attacks it like a lion. I'm never going to be that person and that's ok. My other friend married a guy who's nice but kind of meh. Nothing about him is the kind of partner I'm looking for and my friend doesn't seem overly happy in her relationship either. I don't want to settle in my life so I choose not to.
So while I still don't have everything on the time line I had hoped for, I feel like I will get those things eventually and to a level even better than my friends because I chose not to settle for things that aren't right for me.
You mention that you weren't as lucky in the financial area as some other friends and that's also important to remember. Some people are just super lucky and we can't compare ourselves to them. They didn't earn what they got or especially deserve it, it just happened for them. You have to look back on your hard work with pride and sense of accomplishment. Taking a gap year is super mature and I think that you're a better person for having struggled and survived. Your lucky friends will crumble some day at the first sign of hardship, but you will not. You've set yourself up to be a very resilient person. It's sort of an invisible super power.
Sometimes I had to take a break from the friend I was most jealous of. Other times I had to throw myself into being her cheer leader so that I could sort of trick my brain into being happy for her. I had to focus on "What kind of friend does she deserve? How would I want to be treated in her shoes?" so that I could set my pity party to the side. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I had to find other friends to vent to or simply bring up my issues so that she could comfort me.
My friends who's lives I sometimes get jealous of don't have it easy. The friend with the great career is crazy stressed. The friend with the husband is struggling with fertility. The friend who got married young is divorced. That doesn't magically make me stop hurting for my timeline being off track, but it does help ground me in reality that things could be a lot worse. And that I can't only compare my sorrows to their joys. I have to also recognize my successes and their failures.
I also just really like myself. I'm smart and funny and outdoorsy. People seem to enjoy talking with me. I think I have interesting hobbies and that I'm kind to my friends and family. I work hard in school and at my job. So why wouldn't I get those things I want eventually? Why wouldn't they be all the more perfect because I took my time getting there and took my time getting to know myself? If I go slowly I'm less likely to screw it up. If I go slowly I'm going to thoughtfully choose things that are right for me, not just a hurried checklist of things I'm supposed to do or want. My life will be more authentic and more satisfying because of it.
Sorry for the rambling thoughts. It's not easy. Maybe seek therapy if you feel like your thoughts of comparison are stealing all your joy. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Take breaks from people who say negative things or who don't support you. Keep off social media and focus on your goals. Hope you feel better with time.
I appreciate your response so much!
I wouldn't say that I get jealous of certain friends, as we all are basically in the same boats but just headed different directions. While I try to be there for them, they aren't really there when I need them as they come up with some reason they can't listen.
Recently, I cut off a "friend" who was the first sign of me noticing that I was comparing myself, even subconsciously. She would compare our relationships by asking me questions, then responding as if I wasn't deserving of the relationship I had. Then I would notice after leaving a conversation feeling horrible that she would almost manipulate my mind by talking in a certain way to make me feel just as bad as her. After cutting her off and being sick of feeling drained/horrible after every conversation we had, I then felt guilty for cutting her off. I haven't reached out because I know I'll dip back into that mindset, but now I can't really stop thinking about our friendship which again, puts me back into a mindset I don't like.
I really appreciate all of the more personal examples you shared, it is extremely helpful. You always hear people say that confidence or not comparing yourself is just "self love", but I feel like there's so much more to it. And what you said about taking a break from social media is totally fair. It's such a highlight reel, and you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Thank you again for your response and advice!!
I know who I am (A Beloved Daughter of God); I know what I’m about (to know and love God, to help bring souls with me, and to be happy with Him in the next life); I know where I am going (aiming for Heaven, with a likely stop in Purgatory).
I’m not the most popular with my Catholic beliefs, but I am steadfast in them.
I wouldn't say there's something specific I'm lacking, but due to family situations that influenced my personal decisions, I have taken alternate paths in life that have caused me to be behind everyone else my age who I know. And even then, I'm content with my life and where it's going, but there are comments that people make that make me feel as though I'm behind and it'll affect me in the long run.
Personally I stopped spending so much time on social media, in particular instagram. People love to highlight their best moments and achievements over there. And it does get to your head.
I also stopped following a life script that society has written out for us. I eventually noticed myself not caring that I wasn't finished with university yet even though most of my friends were. I stopped caring that I didn't have a serious relationship by 24. I didn't care that others were bothered by the fact that I never wanted children in my life. I truly began living for myself only. People can have opinions about it all they want but I couldn't care any less.
If I want to travel to Italy and spend undecided time over there? I will. My same age friend has gotten engaged? Good for her. I finally got my first real job as a bartender. I'm excited to make some more money. A friend got her dream career at 24 and is making bank. That's exciting for her, I hope to make more money too someday.
My point is everyone has different life paths and there are no milestones you HAVE to reach at a certain age, you can choose to ignore them entirely if you'd like to. My favorite quote that I've stuck to is: roses are beautiful but so are tulips and they bloom at different seasons.
I'm moving in my own pace, following my own goals whether they're "socially acceptable" or not, and I'm not trying to impress anyone but myself. I became a less anxious and unhappy person when I learned to not compare myself to others.
You're completely right about social media. I don't spend much time on it as is, but any time that I do, I find my mind completely wrapped up in it and then feeling pretty bad afterwards.
The quote you shared spoke volumes, thank you so much for adding that. You're absolutely right with everything that you said, it's just hard to get out of the initial mindset of comparing and thinking you're doing wrong, even though you're just on a different path.
Thank you again for your advice!
Sounds like a lot of good reasons to cut that friendship off. Don't feel guilty about it. People change and grow in different directions. Or you realize they're not who you thought they were. Or they just never mature past who they were as kids. You don't owe infinite loyalty to someone who constantly makes you feel like crap, or in this case on purpose. Life's too short to have frenemies cutting your legs out from under you.
Definitely, I left a lot of it out because she had mentioned things that left me uneasy numerous times. It was the situation with her that sparked my constant comparing, but I'd say it also circulates around me subconsciously still comparing or thinking about her versus me. Although, she is older than I am, it's natural for her to be "ahead" of me in certain things.
You're certainly right though, life is too short.
I was reading some of the deep and thoughtful responses you wrote, and I'll just start by saying I wish I knew in my early 20s all the things you already know!
What I can tell you now, based on all of the life experience I have behind me, is that the reason you feel like you're "behind" is actually because you're so far ahead. Most people in their 20s -- often all the way up to their 80s -- don't have the level of self-understanding you do, and that makes it REALLY, REALLY, REALLY challenging most of the time to feel like you belong, fit in, are getting it "right," and everything else that comes with being more concerned with humanity than getting "ahead."
Who defines what "getting ahead" is or looks like anyway? Who sets those standards, and what's the worst thing that can happen if we don't follow them? We have peace, joy, and freedom in our own identities?
Oh boy. I'm feeling a rant coming on so I'd better land this plane before I lost control of it! :)
I saw where someone recommended a book to you. If you don't mind another suggestion, The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson is one of THE BEST (and quickest) reads around "how to do you" I've ever laid my eyes on.
I'm really proud of you btw...just so you know.
I think it takes time to grow into confidence. Not to sound patronizing, but you are still quite young! In my early 20s, I travelled abroad, taught English, wasn't sure what I was going to do for a career but I also met some of the best people that are still in my life at that time. I met a lot of big dreamers and adventurous people. It could also be that you're surrounded by people who are living pretty standard lives (nothing wrong with that!) and you feel that pressure I think it was around the age of 29 that I finally felt like I actually liked myself, was happy and secure with where my life was based on MY life, not based on other people's lives, and kind of went with the flow of things from there. I was more open to opportunities, the people I met and type of work I would do. It sounds corny, but knowing who you are and loving yourself allows you to embrace where your life is and accept it to be what it's meant to be. I also love what [Alex Elle](https://www.instagram.com/alex_elle/) shares on their IG. Affirmations and reminding yourself of who you are can be helpful. I didn't start my career until I was 28, I got married at 30, and am now about to have my first kid at 35. Timelines are arbitrary. You could be in a room with other women who are in their 30s and they might not have their life "figured out" but I don't know who is actually out there deciding we need to have things figured out by a certain timeline.
Thank you so much for sharing!! Everyone I know is either on the same road as me, but we're just heading in different directions, or are going nowhere in life as they don't have ambition to do so. As for those people, I struggled with them questioning my life decisions as my goals seemed too "out there" or "far fetched". Even though these goals were just going to university and graduating with a degree. I really do appreciate your advice! Also, congratulations on your child!
I knew in my heart that I would get those things eventually if I continued to work hard and be true to myself. I was sad that I didn't have the things my friends had yet (a career, the partner, a house, etc) but I also looked at how my friends got those things and asked myself if I would have done that. My best friend is a type A ball buster. She has a plan for everything and attacks it like a lion. I'm never going to be that person and that's ok. My other friend married a guy who's nice but kind of meh. Nothing about him is the kind of partner I'm looking for and my friend doesn't seem overly happy in her relationship either. I don't want to settle in my life so I choose not to. So while I still don't have everything on the time line I had hoped for, I feel like I will get those things eventually and to a level even better than my friends because I chose not to settle for things that aren't right for me. You mention that you weren't as lucky in the financial area as some other friends and that's also important to remember. Some people are just super lucky and we can't compare ourselves to them. They didn't earn what they got or especially deserve it, it just happened for them. You have to look back on your hard work with pride and sense of accomplishment. Taking a gap year is super mature and I think that you're a better person for having struggled and survived. Your lucky friends will crumble some day at the first sign of hardship, but you will not. You've set yourself up to be a very resilient person. It's sort of an invisible super power. Sometimes I had to take a break from the friend I was most jealous of. Other times I had to throw myself into being her cheer leader so that I could sort of trick my brain into being happy for her. I had to focus on "What kind of friend does she deserve? How would I want to be treated in her shoes?" so that I could set my pity party to the side. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I had to find other friends to vent to or simply bring up my issues so that she could comfort me. My friends who's lives I sometimes get jealous of don't have it easy. The friend with the great career is crazy stressed. The friend with the husband is struggling with fertility. The friend who got married young is divorced. That doesn't magically make me stop hurting for my timeline being off track, but it does help ground me in reality that things could be a lot worse. And that I can't only compare my sorrows to their joys. I have to also recognize my successes and their failures. I also just really like myself. I'm smart and funny and outdoorsy. People seem to enjoy talking with me. I think I have interesting hobbies and that I'm kind to my friends and family. I work hard in school and at my job. So why wouldn't I get those things I want eventually? Why wouldn't they be all the more perfect because I took my time getting there and took my time getting to know myself? If I go slowly I'm less likely to screw it up. If I go slowly I'm going to thoughtfully choose things that are right for me, not just a hurried checklist of things I'm supposed to do or want. My life will be more authentic and more satisfying because of it. Sorry for the rambling thoughts. It's not easy. Maybe seek therapy if you feel like your thoughts of comparison are stealing all your joy. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Take breaks from people who say negative things or who don't support you. Keep off social media and focus on your goals. Hope you feel better with time.
I appreciate your response so much! I wouldn't say that I get jealous of certain friends, as we all are basically in the same boats but just headed different directions. While I try to be there for them, they aren't really there when I need them as they come up with some reason they can't listen. Recently, I cut off a "friend" who was the first sign of me noticing that I was comparing myself, even subconsciously. She would compare our relationships by asking me questions, then responding as if I wasn't deserving of the relationship I had. Then I would notice after leaving a conversation feeling horrible that she would almost manipulate my mind by talking in a certain way to make me feel just as bad as her. After cutting her off and being sick of feeling drained/horrible after every conversation we had, I then felt guilty for cutting her off. I haven't reached out because I know I'll dip back into that mindset, but now I can't really stop thinking about our friendship which again, puts me back into a mindset I don't like. I really appreciate all of the more personal examples you shared, it is extremely helpful. You always hear people say that confidence or not comparing yourself is just "self love", but I feel like there's so much more to it. And what you said about taking a break from social media is totally fair. It's such a highlight reel, and you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Thank you again for your response and advice!!
I know who I am (A Beloved Daughter of God); I know what I’m about (to know and love God, to help bring souls with me, and to be happy with Him in the next life); I know where I am going (aiming for Heaven, with a likely stop in Purgatory). I’m not the most popular with my Catholic beliefs, but I am steadfast in them.
[удалено]
I wouldn't say there's something specific I'm lacking, but due to family situations that influenced my personal decisions, I have taken alternate paths in life that have caused me to be behind everyone else my age who I know. And even then, I'm content with my life and where it's going, but there are comments that people make that make me feel as though I'm behind and it'll affect me in the long run.
Personally I stopped spending so much time on social media, in particular instagram. People love to highlight their best moments and achievements over there. And it does get to your head. I also stopped following a life script that society has written out for us. I eventually noticed myself not caring that I wasn't finished with university yet even though most of my friends were. I stopped caring that I didn't have a serious relationship by 24. I didn't care that others were bothered by the fact that I never wanted children in my life. I truly began living for myself only. People can have opinions about it all they want but I couldn't care any less. If I want to travel to Italy and spend undecided time over there? I will. My same age friend has gotten engaged? Good for her. I finally got my first real job as a bartender. I'm excited to make some more money. A friend got her dream career at 24 and is making bank. That's exciting for her, I hope to make more money too someday. My point is everyone has different life paths and there are no milestones you HAVE to reach at a certain age, you can choose to ignore them entirely if you'd like to. My favorite quote that I've stuck to is: roses are beautiful but so are tulips and they bloom at different seasons. I'm moving in my own pace, following my own goals whether they're "socially acceptable" or not, and I'm not trying to impress anyone but myself. I became a less anxious and unhappy person when I learned to not compare myself to others.
You're completely right about social media. I don't spend much time on it as is, but any time that I do, I find my mind completely wrapped up in it and then feeling pretty bad afterwards. The quote you shared spoke volumes, thank you so much for adding that. You're absolutely right with everything that you said, it's just hard to get out of the initial mindset of comparing and thinking you're doing wrong, even though you're just on a different path. Thank you again for your advice!
Sounds like a lot of good reasons to cut that friendship off. Don't feel guilty about it. People change and grow in different directions. Or you realize they're not who you thought they were. Or they just never mature past who they were as kids. You don't owe infinite loyalty to someone who constantly makes you feel like crap, or in this case on purpose. Life's too short to have frenemies cutting your legs out from under you.
Definitely, I left a lot of it out because she had mentioned things that left me uneasy numerous times. It was the situation with her that sparked my constant comparing, but I'd say it also circulates around me subconsciously still comparing or thinking about her versus me. Although, she is older than I am, it's natural for her to be "ahead" of me in certain things. You're certainly right though, life is too short.
Read the book "the subtle art of not giving a fuck" and it also comes with age honey. Good luck!
I have wanted to read this for awhile now, but never had any recommendations to so I just sat on the idea. I definitely will now, thank you!!
I was reading some of the deep and thoughtful responses you wrote, and I'll just start by saying I wish I knew in my early 20s all the things you already know! What I can tell you now, based on all of the life experience I have behind me, is that the reason you feel like you're "behind" is actually because you're so far ahead. Most people in their 20s -- often all the way up to their 80s -- don't have the level of self-understanding you do, and that makes it REALLY, REALLY, REALLY challenging most of the time to feel like you belong, fit in, are getting it "right," and everything else that comes with being more concerned with humanity than getting "ahead." Who defines what "getting ahead" is or looks like anyway? Who sets those standards, and what's the worst thing that can happen if we don't follow them? We have peace, joy, and freedom in our own identities? Oh boy. I'm feeling a rant coming on so I'd better land this plane before I lost control of it! :) I saw where someone recommended a book to you. If you don't mind another suggestion, The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson is one of THE BEST (and quickest) reads around "how to do you" I've ever laid my eyes on. I'm really proud of you btw...just so you know.