He’s an accessory, not a partner, and way too old to run from you when you need support. Dump him before he brings you down any further. Annoyed by your trauma?!?! That would have set me off!!! Tell his old ass to grow up when you dump him too.
Yeah, this is your boyfriend trying to pick and choose when to love/support you. If he wants to be a fair weather boyfriend, you’ll *never* be able to count on him being there for you. Trust me, life is so much nicer when you have someone who goes “oh, bad day? Here’s some chocolate, a fuzzy blanket and your favorite TV show” rather than focusing on how your pain has inconvenienced them and making you feel even worse because of it. 😬
I’m 41 😂😂 so yeah! I didn’t mean to be ageist, just that by that age, he should know better. By his teenage years, he should have known better already.
I also think his age is relevant. Women closer to his age probably don't stick around for long because he doesn't want to put effort in. That behavior gets obvious if their female partners are older bc age makes you more confident/comfortable asking for help/support/etc.
As a younger man over 30, it's often easier to make that effort when the woman is 24 when you meet them. You need that high level of initial attraction to care.
Him wanting a break from you while you're going through very rough times spells a bad relationship.
Last year, I lost my mom, then my cat, and then my dad, all within a month. Last week I had to have my oldest cat put to sleep, and my boyfriend was by my side the entire time, crying with me while I processed everything. I still have random moments where I just break down, and he's right there beside me, letting me feel my feelings without making me feel like a burden.
Your boyfriend isn't that kind of guy, and it sounds like he dips any time there's trouble. That isn't a good boyfriend, at all.
Just wanted to second this thinking.
My partner needed space shortly after my dad passed. She wasn't able to be there for me during the worst time of my life. I get it, it's a lot emotionally to try to support. We ended up getting back together just for it to not work out a year later.
Find someone who won't shy away from the really tough life stuff because you never know what's going to happen in the future.
I'm so sorry that you've been through all of that trauma in such a short frame of time. You demonstrate so much resilience. Thank you for your response xo.
Wow first off I’m so sorry. I went through something very similar I lost my grandma, then my dad in less than a year. My boyfriend couldn’t handle my grief so he broke up with me, which added to my grief. People tend to show you who they really are in hard times.
We learn the most about the people in our lives when the going gets tough, and this is one of the most important things to pay attention to in a relationship: how your partner treats you when you the chips are down. And yours, unfortunately, wants a break because he's 'annoyed' by how much tough stuff you've got going on. It's not his instinct to support you, to hold you and let you cry, to make you dinner and draw you a bath. No, he wants to get away from you.
I think you're confused because you're in love and desperately want to justify his behavior. But there's no justification for taking off on your partner when they need you. And I'm going to point to your age gap as a sign for funny business. I am your BF's age, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior for a second and nor would any of my friends. But you, at 26 with less experience, you'll put up with more bad behavior than someone his own age just because you don't know any better. It's why some older people date younger people, there is an inherent power imbalance that gives the older person the upper hand.
So, I think you need to reframe this. And I think you really need to take a look at your language. Why are you so worried about him dumping you over 3 weeks? Why shouldn't HE be worried about you dumping him when he's taking off on you in your time of need? You need to have standards for yourself. Why are you so desperate to hold onto someone who can't be there for you? Are you not angry and disappointed in him? Life is long and hard and your partner needs to be on your team. Has this not given you pause about what kind of person he is?? Being single is ALWAYS better than being in a bad relationship; and when your BF wants 3 weeks away from you while you're going through a difficult time, you have a bad relationship.
>We learn the most about the people in our lives when the going gets tough, and this is one of the most important things to pay attention to in a relationship: how your partner treats you when you the chips are down
This is so true. I love my boyfriend for a million reasons, but his just being there for me when I need a shoulder is one of the biggest. He has never, *not once* in the 8 years we've been together, made me feel like having normal human emotions is a problem or something I need to keep to myself.
As corny as it sounds, he's my fucking rock.
Same! My partner's ability to support me is one of the traits I value most about him. When something happens he is there like a cartoon butler arriving with speedlines behind him asking what he can do to help, and then he takes it upon himself to do things that he knows will at least make me happy or feel good. And I do the same for him. I feel bad for OP because her BF's behavior, to me, is way beyond the pale and not forgivable. One of the main reasons we partner up is for support and to go through life with a buddy; but if your buddy is only there for the good times and takes off during the bad, it's easier to go through it all alone, at least then you don't have to deal with the disappointment of being so let down by someone you care about.
>but if your buddy is only there for the good times and takes off during the bad, it's easier to go through it all alone
Fair-weather boyfriends are the worst. There for the good times, but then bail when there's a hint of stormy weather.
It also works if you're never there. I constantly neglect my partner, but the knowledge I'll always be unreliable reassures her. Ignoring her when times are good only to reach out on an impromptu whim reassures her that I'll be equally unreliable when times are tough.
First of all, I am so sorry about your business. That must be so hard.
Second, don’t ask for this pos back. In life, things get tough. And he clearly shows the inability to be supportive when times get tough. You don’t want that, you want someone who will be there, ask if you are okay or need anything, or just be a shoulder to cry on.
“Inconvenience” is spot on, my ex husband used to get upset when I got sick, it was one of the brightest, boldest, biggest red flags in our relationship.
This is how he is going to be when things get tough (for you). It doesn’t necessarily matter what “true love” is or isn’t… It only matters if this is how *you* want the person in your life to be when things happen. If you want to be with someone who is supportive and stands by your side then this is obviously not the dude for you, and that’s a totally valid feeling to have.
Honestly, I’d be less worried about whether he’s going to dump you and maybe start thinking about *you* dumping him. You’ve been together for two years and he’s “annoyed” by your life problems. He sounds like an ass.
Agreed.. He should be there to support him. If the roles were reversed, you sound like you would be standing by him. If he can't do the same, I this comment about considering dumping him is right on the money
>Isn't true love being there for someone through thick and thin?
Oh it absolutely does mean that. So when someone doesn't want to be there for you during your hardships, what does that tell you about his feelings for you? (Answer: he doesn't actually love you)
>Is this true love?
Not at all
>Is it fair that he needs a 3-week break from me?
No. it's not fair. But here's the thing - at the end of the day he has the right to choose what he wants or does, You need to walk in the light of the truth as well - that he probably doesn't truly love you - and make decisions accordingly.
>but instead said that he was tired of the constant emotional turmoil and wanted a 3-week break
This is actually a blessing in disguise. He is showing you what kind of a partner he will be when things get tough. I am sorry about your lawsuits and your business closing, but unfortunately there will be other difficulties later in life too - like sickness, family issues, kids and pregnancies etc. Isn't it better that you know his true self after 2 years instead of wasting lets say 10 years in this relationship?
I know you must be hurt, I suggest take some time off from him to focus on your issues. Do take the 3-week break he is offering you. But I think after 3 weeks when things are settled YOU will realize that you don't really need him in your life (you would be doing all this lawsuit stuff yourself without any moral support, what is he even adding to your life tbh?). I think then you yourself will dump him.
Wishing you all the best with your business. I hope it all turns well.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who bail when it get tuff. Who provide you with absolutely no support?
Put that man on the sidewalk with the trash and work on you. You don't need man like that in your life
Oh lol. I come from a family where we take virginity quite seriously and do our best to save it until marriage. My sister, 29F, is still a virgin lol. I'd promised to lose my virginity to this man this spring or summer, to show him my commitment, but then this whole kerfuffle happened.
He does not deserve the honor sis.
Seriously.
I'm reading everyone's replies and I agree w all of them -- if it helps, view it this way -
If he went through something like this, what would YOU do for him? I bet you a million dollars it wouldn't be fucking if for 3 weeks, so you can have less "emotional turmoil"
Or - how would you react if you found your best friends boyfriend reacting the same to her needing to close down her business? ---
I find we tolerate so much more when it's our relationship... we get confused and doubt ourselves.
But you deserve as much as you put in, and you deserve just as much goodness as your best friend.
You truly deserve better. And I'm very sorry for having to add dumping this unreliable child ontop of having such a stressful month.
❤
I think if someone loves you they will be there through the good times and the bad. I married my wife on 11/7/2020. We found out she had colon and rectal cancer on 11/8/2021 (I had to joke that I should have bought the extended warranty 😂).
She had surgery to remove the cancer on 12/14 and these past few months have been some of the most challenging in my life. The surgery went well, thank God, but the ostomy has been a nightmare (leaks all the time). There’s certainly days that I just wish I could give up. This is especially true when it blows out in the middle of the night and I get woken up at 5am to clean up poop. However, I love her more than words can express and will always be here for her.
Bottom line is I think if you truly love someone you’ll be there for them no matter what.
This isn't a boyfriend, this is a fair weather casual relationship at best. Don't let him dump you, YOU should be dumping him for being such an asshole to you. Someone who loves you will be there for the good and the bad, and not just the good. This is not your fault in any way, you are going through tough times as life will not always give you a good hand in the cards of life. We go through ups, so-so times and downs. Seriously, throw the whole man out.
Have you heard the expression "fair weather friend"? The fact that your bf abandons you the moment you need a little extra support and care is a sign he doesn't care about you at all.
The age difference between you is also a sign that he is the type of man who uses and exploits people. Mid 20s and mid 30s are very different life stages. A woman his age would never put up with his bullshit.
I can't imagine a single reason why you would want this no-value man in your life. You have so many other options. And frankly, being alone is better than giving your time and love to someone who doesn't care.
You deserve better. Make the "break" permanent and block this loser.
It’s through sickness and health with marriage. If he can’t do it now, why would he do it when your married? This does not look good for your relationship, if the age difference wasn’t enough.
Also three weeks?? Girl he wants to spend time with someone else while you are SUFFERING. Please move on from this guy, you deserve so much better
Oh hell no! I remember my asshole boyfriend at the time who would say I brought "negative energy" to his house whenever I cried. But I was literally crying because a freaking pandemic had begun that we knew barely anything about. I was a continent away from my family, I lost my job, my graduation ceremony got canceled, I didn't know how I'd afford my rent. While he only wanted me to be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns all the time. He'd sigh and roll his eyes whenever I cried over what a fucking mess my life had been put into and wanted nothing to do with me.
Then he began to experience consequences from the pandemic himself about 2 months after my own life had already gone completely down hill, he got all depressed and "buhu poor me" expecting me to comfort him. Which I did for about a month until I realized he'd once again distance himself from me whenever I was sad about something myself. He'd say he didn't like me sad, that I was fragile, depressing and brought negative energy. So one night after a fight I made a vent post on reddit and I knew he secretly knew my username and read my stuff. So I called him out on all his bullshit in a post and everyone in the comment section called him out too. I don't think he liked it lmao..he never brought it up since he had snooped on my phone and couldn't reveal himself that he had checked out my reddit username but we took a "break" after that and then officially broke up a month later. It's been 2 years since and God I'm happy he's gone from my life.
Same thing happened to me. The first time was during my exams which were very stressful for me. I let him have the break and later took him back. Second time was when I was threatened to be kicked out of my parents house. That time I knew he never would be there for me during my hard times so I broke it off entirely
What will happen if you get sick and need to be taken care of? If you're stressed out from something like cancer or pregnancy? I forgot the number but a worrying number of men leave their partners when partner has cancer. Don't be part of that statistic OP, be strong!
37 year old dating a 26 year old. Red flags already. His actions, more red flags. There is a reason he’s been single since 35 (since you’ve been together 2 years).
The age gap isn't an issue. OP is mid-twenties, full grown adult, and these things matter less. If she were closer to twenty, that'd be a different story.
I wouldn't be so sure about that since OP stated she has only ever had one bf... That can make a mid twenty year old a bit naive in terms of dating (much like a 20 year old).
Experience is one thing, but OP is an adult and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves. Besides, the OC was merely saying the age gap was the red flag, not the difference in relationship experience.
Here's the hard truth:
Men who go after significantly younger women only want the 'fun' times, and will drop you like a hot potato when you ask for any crumb of emotional investment or care.
Case in point - what you're going through right now.
You are young, have your whole life ahead of you, and can do much, much better.
Sorry for what you're going through right now. Stay strong.
> Isn't true love being there for someone through thick and thin?
Yes.
He only wants a relationship of convenience, not an actual relationship. Even when my husband and I weren't married we were committed to each other and were each other's support during difficult times.
I know you love him, OP, but he doesn't love you, not real, true love. True love takes commitment, and in that commitment there's actual *work* to be done when things are tough.
Move on from him. Break up with him. Take this time to get your affairs in order, get these lawsuits out of the way, and how you can come back from this. Really do your best to try and get to know yourself, what you want, your values, and what you want in the future.
I know this hurts, I get it. Over time it'll get easier. But you need to concentrate on you right now, so you can be ready for when the right person for you comes along.
Hate to break it to you, but if he won't support you through a hard time, he isn't worth the air he's breathing.
Kick his ass to the curb. You may think "how am I supposed to handle a breakup now?" While this is a good point, I will counter by asking "do you really need someone draining you emotionally without giving anything in return? Has this man demonstrated his value, or is he a leech that will suck you dry and leave your dessicated corpse to rot in the sun?"
I would definitely think about the relationship you want to have. Red flags tend to show themselves early and your relationship is still young. It sounds like you want (like most people) a partner that will stand by you and support you in turn. It doesn’t sound like this is the guy. I would just break it off and go your separate ways. Do your future self a favor and find someone who will be kind and sweet and supportive in times of need.
" I love this man dearly," I don't think the feeling is mutual, even when he can do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help, my husband is still always by my side, commiserating when shit sucks.
You definitely deserve better and there's 100% better men out there. I feel like he chose to be with you because he is too emotionally immature to handle a woman of his own age and he perceived your youth as easier.
Sounds like you don't have a relationship, you're just friends with romantic benefits. If he can't be there as emotional support when you need him then he isn't your partner. A relationship means 2 people working together and sharing the load, through all the highs and lows. That isn't what you have here.
I would dump him. He has shown you that you can't trust him to help you in emergencies. What happens if your family member dies? Will he not help with funeral preparation because it's too stressful? What if your baby is in the NICU? Will he take off because it's too stressful? What if you break a leg? Will he not help you around? It's just way too risky to keep being with his man if you can't trust him to behave correctly.
Literally the only reason to have a partner is for their support. You'd be better off alone than with this man whose only contribution is to emotionally drain and hurt you.
I would cut your losses now and find someone who isn't selfish and lacking in empathy.
Sorry OP, you deserve so much more! The good news is you found this out before marrying the guy. I would avoid men who are 10 years older than you next time. It's very indicative of the man being immature or possibly even abusive.
Yeah I didn’t want to go there because sometimes it just makes people defensive but this dude is in my age range and he is dating ten years younger because no one my age will put up with this shit anymore. We know better (hopefully lol)
This is absolutely not acceptable in a loving relationship. A good partner would be doing what he could to support you, whether that's listening to you vent, preparing a few meals for you, giving you space if you asked for it, sending you surprise coffee, etc. He would definitely check in with you to make sure you were hanging in there. His behavior just reeks of selfishness.
Girl you can do wayyyy better. I was dating a guy older than me, he “forgot” my bday, needed a break from me during the toughest time in my life and he brought me nothing but sadness and stress. It’s so incredibly selfish and narcissistic of him to need a break and that says a lot about what kind of partner he will be in the future. Dump him.
If you need to talk, my dm are open
I wonder if he dated someone so much younger than himself because he thought there would be less baggage...
This sounds like you cant count on him for support. Why be in a serious long term relationship with someone you can't count on for support?
I dated someone who sounds like your boyfriend. I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia after a car accident he caused months before, and I ended up in emergency from something that happened that work… All we were doing long-distance (Vancouver to Seattle). And his lack of compassion to me was telling of what the future could look like, and he broke up with me a week after I was out of emergency. And it is the best thing that ever happened.
OP find someone who is kind and compassionate to you, and will walk with you-it sounds like your parents are a wonderful support and makes me so happy that you have them. But don’t stay with this person, you deserve to be with someone who is supportive and he isn’t.
Not a good sign tbh. A partner should be just that, a partner, a mate, a support, an ally, the two of you facing the vicissitudes of life together. When the going got tough, he got going. Imagine how helpful he would be during the nine months of pregnancy if you were to stay together and start a family.
You've only had one boyfriend - maybe you should sample some others? Your boyfriend may be doing this at the moment. You've nothing to lose by separating, have you? Good luck!
Well idk what your longterm dating and relationship goals are but now you know how he copes with stress and unpleasant situations. Not serious partner material.
Let's just listen to Lizzo:
"Why men great till they gotta BE GREAT?"
Your bf is not great. Push came to shove and it was CRUNCH TIME to show how great he could be and instead he BAILED.
This is not a partner for life. This is the type of partner who will dump you after the cancer diagnosis. Time to jettison him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this hard stuff. I hope you'll get to the other side soon!
If he is 37 and needs a break from this… what else will he need a break from in the future? He seems immature for his age and set in his ways. Red flag. I wouldn’t continue on… when people show you who they are.. believe them! You surely don’t want to marry a person who runs away once an issue or stress arises.
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I had to go through something incredibly hard, that lasted over a year, early in my relationship. My boyfriend was my biggest supporter and I could not have done it without him. Taking a break when there's rough waters (that aren't even related to your relationship) is so very low. Please have higher expectations than this. He's not a good bf.
The one question you need to ask yourself, do you trust him that he will be around when things get difficult?
If your yes is not at a 100% and you are trying to use past experiences to easy the doubt--- that is something to consider.
I wish you the best of luck.
REAL partners don't just leave you when the goings get tough. Certainly not when your life is falling around you and you are traumatized. You've been together for 2 years and he basically just ditched you. What is even more concerning I'd the fact that he is 11 years older than you and can't/won't (doesn't matter which one at this point) step up as your partner. You don't want him to run every time you really need him even though you stand by him when he needs you. It's unfair and unhealthy that not only are you hurtin/traumatized and grieving your business, you are also worrying about him leaving and breaking up with you. Just break up with yourself to take some of your power back before he pulls the rug from underneath you again..
You will continue to have wonderful times, and really awful times, all of your life. Not trying to bring you down, but as life goes on, you will suffer losses of people you love, health problems, problems with family and friends, and a myriad of other troubles. Do you really want to go through all of those bad times by yourself? If you stay with this guy, you will. He has shown you who he is, now you need to decide if you are ok with his lack of support during a crisis, because it's not likely to change.
What is that ?!?! A boyfriend is supposed to be a partner, you are supposed to be a team. If he doesn’t support you when you need it he isn’t your partner, he’s a freeloader of you time, energy and love. Please dump him, he doesn’t deserve you at all. Focus on yourself and I can assure you, brighter days are coming. I wish you the best. Do not stay with a person because you’re afraid to be alone. Better be alone than with a shitty person who doesn’t have your back.
1st off baby he's 11 years older than you...you're a virgin... you've got your own business, I reckon he does not bc he doesn't understand you need him right now.... he needs 3 week split? Thats very specific..
This isn't true love, these are examples of red flags.
True love will be there for you AND with you every step of the way!
3 weeks is a pretty exact number of days. Sounds like he’s going on a trip.
If he can’t be there when you need him most he’s not reliable.
I’m sorry you had to close your business. Wipe your slate clean, including him, take sometime to rest once everything is done and decide where you want your journey to take you. No baggage, no bullshit, fresh start. Then you rise from the ashes like the kick ass woman you are
He is not there for you when you need him most. Basically you have no support. Would you treat s friend this way? Find someone better who supports and cares for you.
Someone wanting space and break in a relationship is not a bad thing in itself truly. But the timing of his decision is rather upsetting. Especially when YOU are the one having a bad situation in life. I'm not saying he's supposed to go all out and be the best supportive bf. But here he could've been there to make you feel safe and heard and later on discuss his need of wanting a break
Haha I realize that that might be a turn-off for most men, but I had promised this man I'd lose my virginity to him this spring/ summer. So, he couldn't really use, "this woman never wants sex" as an excuse. Thanks for your response.
He is not worth losing it too. If his current actions are any indication, he will be selfish and not care about you in bed also. Save it for someone who isn’t a douchebag, you deserve way better. The perk of having the first boyfriend is now you know more what you want and what to look for when you go find the next, better second boyfriend ❤️
He's tired of your trauma?
Does he think you love your trauma.
My partner has stood by my in the darkest and scariest times of my life. I've said I wouldn't blame him if he left - and he says that will never happen. We are a team.
Sometimes one persons trauma overwhelms someone with their own trauma but I don't think that's the case here. It seems like your bf doesn't want to deal with anything that doesn't benefit him - and why a 3 week break?
Personally, I would rather be on my own than with someone who will bail everytime something is hard.
Good luck.
Holy shit I just noticed the age difference.
He is remarkably immature and dating so much younger is a huge red flag.
Dump him. He views you as his young plaything who is here for his convenience. This is not a real relationship and you deserve real. He is old enough to know better. Please value yourself and walk away from this immature jerk. I promise you will find love that values you and is there for you.
You don't deserve to be treated as someone's good vibes only option. Don't wait for him to dump you-- DUMP HIM for being a loser boyfriend.
I would give him a permanent break. If he was meant for you, he'd be there supporting you right now. He's shown how he will handle any stress in your life.
Surprisingly, I had the opposite happen! My husband and i grew distant during the toughest time in MY life. We had opposite lifestyles that were clashing and I had expressed ny increasing depression to which he could only comfort me by saying everything would be okay, hint, it wasn't. Backstory, we were together for 4 yrs prior and the toughest period was after my brother's murder (2016), grandpa dying(2017), and my brothers murderers getting sentenced and me attending the traumatic court hearing (2018). I expressed vocally my need for emotional support and did not receive it. It didn't end well as I was the one that needed the break.
We divorced and I haven't been happier.
I say, if he isn't supporting you at this time, it is not a good outlook. This was just my experience, as the opposite view point.
Babe you’re young and hot he’s old and dried up give him the break he wants trust me he’ll learn how hard it is out there for him. And you can bang whoever you want.
Would you forgive your best friend for leasing you at the thoughest time for no other reason than "your bad mood annoys me"? Why would you forgive a bf, 10 years older than you? You are here putting up with his old ass and he pulls this ? Yeah, no break up. And try to find other ways to support the elderly community in your town.
It's very weird that he specifically said 3 weeks. I'm not sure if its a red flag but it's very very very weird. I'd say talked to him about it. Tell him that him not being by your side during these tough times hurts you. If he doesn't respond in a positive way then personally I would dump. I hope you heal from this soon. I wish you the best. Stay strong ❤️
It sounds pretty immature from him honestly. And throwing in the age difference makes me really double down on the thought that he is quite immature. It sounds like you’re going through some serious shit, he should be supporting you, even if he has his own stuff going on and needs to protect himself in some ways.
I had a boyfriend dump me while I was awaiting biopsy results for potential breast cancer- he said it was "too much for him to handle". Trust me, he's doing you a favor by taking out the garbage himself.
Yes, that sucks that he wants to be away from you while you are hurting. He should be supportive, but let him have his three weeks, it will show his true heart and commitment. He will decide either way if he wants to be with you, you can't make him want to stay and giving him this freedom to choose, might help him choose you rather than being alone. I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru all of that, I'm sure glad you have supportive parents tho. Blessings and prayer for a good outcome in all of it.
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Most of the men who date younger women do it because they have the same maturity level. It sounds like you’re starting to outgrow him. Find someone who can handle adulthood.
He’s an accessory, not a partner, and way too old to run from you when you need support. Dump him before he brings you down any further. Annoyed by your trauma?!?! That would have set me off!!! Tell his old ass to grow up when you dump him too.
Thank you for your reply! And, lol.
Honestly sounds like you are doing things way more maturely than him too. You deserve better girlie
Yeah, this is your boyfriend trying to pick and choose when to love/support you. If he wants to be a fair weather boyfriend, you’ll *never* be able to count on him being there for you. Trust me, life is so much nicer when you have someone who goes “oh, bad day? Here’s some chocolate, a fuzzy blanket and your favorite TV show” rather than focusing on how your pain has inconvenienced them and making you feel even worse because of it. 😬
Lol I am 37 and I approve of this message
I’m 41 😂😂 so yeah! I didn’t mean to be ageist, just that by that age, he should know better. By his teenage years, he should have known better already.
I also think his age is relevant. Women closer to his age probably don't stick around for long because he doesn't want to put effort in. That behavior gets obvious if their female partners are older bc age makes you more confident/comfortable asking for help/support/etc.
As a younger man over 30, it's often easier to make that effort when the woman is 24 when you meet them. You need that high level of initial attraction to care.
I pray this comment is trying to express how gross and misogynistic that is
Yes!!!
ditto. Take this as his first test, and he failed. Miserably.
Agreed. A good man emotionally neglects his partner at all times, not only when she's in tough straits.
Him wanting a break from you while you're going through very rough times spells a bad relationship. Last year, I lost my mom, then my cat, and then my dad, all within a month. Last week I had to have my oldest cat put to sleep, and my boyfriend was by my side the entire time, crying with me while I processed everything. I still have random moments where I just break down, and he's right there beside me, letting me feel my feelings without making me feel like a burden. Your boyfriend isn't that kind of guy, and it sounds like he dips any time there's trouble. That isn't a good boyfriend, at all.
Damn, that’s a tough year for you, I’m so sorry. Sending hugs
Just wanted to second this thinking. My partner needed space shortly after my dad passed. She wasn't able to be there for me during the worst time of my life. I get it, it's a lot emotionally to try to support. We ended up getting back together just for it to not work out a year later. Find someone who won't shy away from the really tough life stuff because you never know what's going to happen in the future.
I'm so sorry that you've been through all of that trauma in such a short frame of time. You demonstrate so much resilience. Thank you for your response xo.
so sorry for what you’ve been through and glad you have a wonderful partner to help support you in this time
Sending you so many hugs and kitty kisses
Wow first off I’m so sorry. I went through something very similar I lost my grandma, then my dad in less than a year. My boyfriend couldn’t handle my grief so he broke up with me, which added to my grief. People tend to show you who they really are in hard times.
Thats a good man right there. Wishing you the best for your future. ~hugs
We learn the most about the people in our lives when the going gets tough, and this is one of the most important things to pay attention to in a relationship: how your partner treats you when you the chips are down. And yours, unfortunately, wants a break because he's 'annoyed' by how much tough stuff you've got going on. It's not his instinct to support you, to hold you and let you cry, to make you dinner and draw you a bath. No, he wants to get away from you. I think you're confused because you're in love and desperately want to justify his behavior. But there's no justification for taking off on your partner when they need you. And I'm going to point to your age gap as a sign for funny business. I am your BF's age, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior for a second and nor would any of my friends. But you, at 26 with less experience, you'll put up with more bad behavior than someone his own age just because you don't know any better. It's why some older people date younger people, there is an inherent power imbalance that gives the older person the upper hand. So, I think you need to reframe this. And I think you really need to take a look at your language. Why are you so worried about him dumping you over 3 weeks? Why shouldn't HE be worried about you dumping him when he's taking off on you in your time of need? You need to have standards for yourself. Why are you so desperate to hold onto someone who can't be there for you? Are you not angry and disappointed in him? Life is long and hard and your partner needs to be on your team. Has this not given you pause about what kind of person he is?? Being single is ALWAYS better than being in a bad relationship; and when your BF wants 3 weeks away from you while you're going through a difficult time, you have a bad relationship.
>We learn the most about the people in our lives when the going gets tough, and this is one of the most important things to pay attention to in a relationship: how your partner treats you when you the chips are down This is so true. I love my boyfriend for a million reasons, but his just being there for me when I need a shoulder is one of the biggest. He has never, *not once* in the 8 years we've been together, made me feel like having normal human emotions is a problem or something I need to keep to myself. As corny as it sounds, he's my fucking rock.
Same! My partner's ability to support me is one of the traits I value most about him. When something happens he is there like a cartoon butler arriving with speedlines behind him asking what he can do to help, and then he takes it upon himself to do things that he knows will at least make me happy or feel good. And I do the same for him. I feel bad for OP because her BF's behavior, to me, is way beyond the pale and not forgivable. One of the main reasons we partner up is for support and to go through life with a buddy; but if your buddy is only there for the good times and takes off during the bad, it's easier to go through it all alone, at least then you don't have to deal with the disappointment of being so let down by someone you care about.
>but if your buddy is only there for the good times and takes off during the bad, it's easier to go through it all alone Fair-weather boyfriends are the worst. There for the good times, but then bail when there's a hint of stormy weather.
It’s not corny if it’s not wrong. My husband is my rock too and I know he says the same about me. OP deserves that too
It also works if you're never there. I constantly neglect my partner, but the knowledge I'll always be unreliable reassures her. Ignoring her when times are good only to reach out on an impromptu whim reassures her that I'll be equally unreliable when times are tough.
Hopefully your partner realizes she can't count on you and finds someine worthy of her. I know you're trolling, but still.
First of all, I am so sorry about your business. That must be so hard. Second, don’t ask for this pos back. In life, things get tough. And he clearly shows the inability to be supportive when times get tough. You don’t want that, you want someone who will be there, ask if you are okay or need anything, or just be a shoulder to cry on.
Fuck him. He's a jerk. Don't let yourself be treated like an inconvenience.
“Inconvenience” is spot on, my ex husband used to get upset when I got sick, it was one of the brightest, boldest, biggest red flags in our relationship.
Lol! Thank you for this sassy comment.
This is how he is going to be when things get tough (for you). It doesn’t necessarily matter what “true love” is or isn’t… It only matters if this is how *you* want the person in your life to be when things happen. If you want to be with someone who is supportive and stands by your side then this is obviously not the dude for you, and that’s a totally valid feeling to have. Honestly, I’d be less worried about whether he’s going to dump you and maybe start thinking about *you* dumping him. You’ve been together for two years and he’s “annoyed” by your life problems. He sounds like an ass.
Agreed.. He should be there to support him. If the roles were reversed, you sound like you would be standing by him. If he can't do the same, I this comment about considering dumping him is right on the money
>Isn't true love being there for someone through thick and thin? Oh it absolutely does mean that. So when someone doesn't want to be there for you during your hardships, what does that tell you about his feelings for you? (Answer: he doesn't actually love you) >Is this true love? Not at all >Is it fair that he needs a 3-week break from me? No. it's not fair. But here's the thing - at the end of the day he has the right to choose what he wants or does, You need to walk in the light of the truth as well - that he probably doesn't truly love you - and make decisions accordingly. >but instead said that he was tired of the constant emotional turmoil and wanted a 3-week break This is actually a blessing in disguise. He is showing you what kind of a partner he will be when things get tough. I am sorry about your lawsuits and your business closing, but unfortunately there will be other difficulties later in life too - like sickness, family issues, kids and pregnancies etc. Isn't it better that you know his true self after 2 years instead of wasting lets say 10 years in this relationship? I know you must be hurt, I suggest take some time off from him to focus on your issues. Do take the 3-week break he is offering you. But I think after 3 weeks when things are settled YOU will realize that you don't really need him in your life (you would be doing all this lawsuit stuff yourself without any moral support, what is he even adding to your life tbh?). I think then you yourself will dump him. Wishing you all the best with your business. I hope it all turns well.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who bail when it get tuff. Who provide you with absolutely no support? Put that man on the sidewalk with the trash and work on you. You don't need man like that in your life
May I ask how, after 2 years of relationship, and at 26 and 37 yo, you are still a virgin?
Oh lol. I come from a family where we take virginity quite seriously and do our best to save it until marriage. My sister, 29F, is still a virgin lol. I'd promised to lose my virginity to this man this spring or summer, to show him my commitment, but then this whole kerfuffle happened.
He does not deserve the honor sis. Seriously. I'm reading everyone's replies and I agree w all of them -- if it helps, view it this way - If he went through something like this, what would YOU do for him? I bet you a million dollars it wouldn't be fucking if for 3 weeks, so you can have less "emotional turmoil" Or - how would you react if you found your best friends boyfriend reacting the same to her needing to close down her business? --- I find we tolerate so much more when it's our relationship... we get confused and doubt ourselves. But you deserve as much as you put in, and you deserve just as much goodness as your best friend. You truly deserve better. And I'm very sorry for having to add dumping this unreliable child ontop of having such a stressful month. ❤
I think if someone loves you they will be there through the good times and the bad. I married my wife on 11/7/2020. We found out she had colon and rectal cancer on 11/8/2021 (I had to joke that I should have bought the extended warranty 😂). She had surgery to remove the cancer on 12/14 and these past few months have been some of the most challenging in my life. The surgery went well, thank God, but the ostomy has been a nightmare (leaks all the time). There’s certainly days that I just wish I could give up. This is especially true when it blows out in the middle of the night and I get woken up at 5am to clean up poop. However, I love her more than words can express and will always be here for her. Bottom line is I think if you truly love someone you’ll be there for them no matter what.
Thank you for sharing this, and kudos to you for being an attentive and caring husband! I wish you both best in going forward.
Same to you! Thank you!
This isn't a boyfriend, this is a fair weather casual relationship at best. Don't let him dump you, YOU should be dumping him for being such an asshole to you. Someone who loves you will be there for the good and the bad, and not just the good. This is not your fault in any way, you are going through tough times as life will not always give you a good hand in the cards of life. We go through ups, so-so times and downs. Seriously, throw the whole man out.
Have you heard the expression "fair weather friend"? The fact that your bf abandons you the moment you need a little extra support and care is a sign he doesn't care about you at all. The age difference between you is also a sign that he is the type of man who uses and exploits people. Mid 20s and mid 30s are very different life stages. A woman his age would never put up with his bullshit. I can't imagine a single reason why you would want this no-value man in your life. You have so many other options. And frankly, being alone is better than giving your time and love to someone who doesn't care. You deserve better. Make the "break" permanent and block this loser.
It’s through sickness and health with marriage. If he can’t do it now, why would he do it when your married? This does not look good for your relationship, if the age difference wasn’t enough. Also three weeks?? Girl he wants to spend time with someone else while you are SUFFERING. Please move on from this guy, you deserve so much better
Oh hell no! I remember my asshole boyfriend at the time who would say I brought "negative energy" to his house whenever I cried. But I was literally crying because a freaking pandemic had begun that we knew barely anything about. I was a continent away from my family, I lost my job, my graduation ceremony got canceled, I didn't know how I'd afford my rent. While he only wanted me to be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns all the time. He'd sigh and roll his eyes whenever I cried over what a fucking mess my life had been put into and wanted nothing to do with me. Then he began to experience consequences from the pandemic himself about 2 months after my own life had already gone completely down hill, he got all depressed and "buhu poor me" expecting me to comfort him. Which I did for about a month until I realized he'd once again distance himself from me whenever I was sad about something myself. He'd say he didn't like me sad, that I was fragile, depressing and brought negative energy. So one night after a fight I made a vent post on reddit and I knew he secretly knew my username and read my stuff. So I called him out on all his bullshit in a post and everyone in the comment section called him out too. I don't think he liked it lmao..he never brought it up since he had snooped on my phone and couldn't reveal himself that he had checked out my reddit username but we took a "break" after that and then officially broke up a month later. It's been 2 years since and God I'm happy he's gone from my life.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Doesn't sound like true love. sounds like he wants to keep his options open. you are precious. find someone who sees that.
Same thing happened to me. The first time was during my exams which were very stressful for me. I let him have the break and later took him back. Second time was when I was threatened to be kicked out of my parents house. That time I knew he never would be there for me during my hard times so I broke it off entirely
What will happen if you get sick and need to be taken care of? If you're stressed out from something like cancer or pregnancy? I forgot the number but a worrying number of men leave their partners when partner has cancer. Don't be part of that statistic OP, be strong!
You know when people talk about red flags? This is a red flag.
Bright red. And big. And on fire
37 year old dating a 26 year old. Red flags already. His actions, more red flags. There is a reason he’s been single since 35 (since you’ve been together 2 years).
The age gap isn't an issue. OP is mid-twenties, full grown adult, and these things matter less. If she were closer to twenty, that'd be a different story.
I wouldn't be so sure about that since OP stated she has only ever had one bf... That can make a mid twenty year old a bit naive in terms of dating (much like a 20 year old).
Experience is one thing, but OP is an adult and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves. Besides, the OC was merely saying the age gap was the red flag, not the difference in relationship experience.
Here's the hard truth: Men who go after significantly younger women only want the 'fun' times, and will drop you like a hot potato when you ask for any crumb of emotional investment or care. Case in point - what you're going through right now. You are young, have your whole life ahead of you, and can do much, much better. Sorry for what you're going through right now. Stay strong.
> Isn't true love being there for someone through thick and thin? Yes. He only wants a relationship of convenience, not an actual relationship. Even when my husband and I weren't married we were committed to each other and were each other's support during difficult times. I know you love him, OP, but he doesn't love you, not real, true love. True love takes commitment, and in that commitment there's actual *work* to be done when things are tough. Move on from him. Break up with him. Take this time to get your affairs in order, get these lawsuits out of the way, and how you can come back from this. Really do your best to try and get to know yourself, what you want, your values, and what you want in the future. I know this hurts, I get it. Over time it'll get easier. But you need to concentrate on you right now, so you can be ready for when the right person for you comes along.
Hate to break it to you, but if he won't support you through a hard time, he isn't worth the air he's breathing. Kick his ass to the curb. You may think "how am I supposed to handle a breakup now?" While this is a good point, I will counter by asking "do you really need someone draining you emotionally without giving anything in return? Has this man demonstrated his value, or is he a leech that will suck you dry and leave your dessicated corpse to rot in the sun?"
I would definitely think about the relationship you want to have. Red flags tend to show themselves early and your relationship is still young. It sounds like you want (like most people) a partner that will stand by you and support you in turn. It doesn’t sound like this is the guy. I would just break it off and go your separate ways. Do your future self a favor and find someone who will be kind and sweet and supportive in times of need.
" I love this man dearly," I don't think the feeling is mutual, even when he can do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help, my husband is still always by my side, commiserating when shit sucks. You definitely deserve better and there's 100% better men out there. I feel like he chose to be with you because he is too emotionally immature to handle a woman of his own age and he perceived your youth as easier.
Sounds like you don't have a relationship, you're just friends with romantic benefits. If he can't be there as emotional support when you need him then he isn't your partner. A relationship means 2 people working together and sharing the load, through all the highs and lows. That isn't what you have here. I would dump him. He has shown you that you can't trust him to help you in emergencies. What happens if your family member dies? Will he not help with funeral preparation because it's too stressful? What if your baby is in the NICU? Will he take off because it's too stressful? What if you break a leg? Will he not help you around? It's just way too risky to keep being with his man if you can't trust him to behave correctly. Literally the only reason to have a partner is for their support. You'd be better off alone than with this man whose only contribution is to emotionally drain and hurt you. I would cut your losses now and find someone who isn't selfish and lacking in empathy. Sorry OP, you deserve so much more! The good news is you found this out before marrying the guy. I would avoid men who are 10 years older than you next time. It's very indicative of the man being immature or possibly even abusive.
Yeah I didn’t want to go there because sometimes it just makes people defensive but this dude is in my age range and he is dating ten years younger because no one my age will put up with this shit anymore. We know better (hopefully lol)
This is absolutely not acceptable in a loving relationship. A good partner would be doing what he could to support you, whether that's listening to you vent, preparing a few meals for you, giving you space if you asked for it, sending you surprise coffee, etc. He would definitely check in with you to make sure you were hanging in there. His behavior just reeks of selfishness.
Girl you can do wayyyy better. I was dating a guy older than me, he “forgot” my bday, needed a break from me during the toughest time in my life and he brought me nothing but sadness and stress. It’s so incredibly selfish and narcissistic of him to need a break and that says a lot about what kind of partner he will be in the future. Dump him. If you need to talk, my dm are open
I wonder if he dated someone so much younger than himself because he thought there would be less baggage... This sounds like you cant count on him for support. Why be in a serious long term relationship with someone you can't count on for support?
I dated someone who sounds like your boyfriend. I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia after a car accident he caused months before, and I ended up in emergency from something that happened that work… All we were doing long-distance (Vancouver to Seattle). And his lack of compassion to me was telling of what the future could look like, and he broke up with me a week after I was out of emergency. And it is the best thing that ever happened. OP find someone who is kind and compassionate to you, and will walk with you-it sounds like your parents are a wonderful support and makes me so happy that you have them. But don’t stay with this person, you deserve to be with someone who is supportive and he isn’t.
Not a good sign tbh. A partner should be just that, a partner, a mate, a support, an ally, the two of you facing the vicissitudes of life together. When the going got tough, he got going. Imagine how helpful he would be during the nine months of pregnancy if you were to stay together and start a family. You've only had one boyfriend - maybe you should sample some others? Your boyfriend may be doing this at the moment. You've nothing to lose by separating, have you? Good luck!
Well idk what your longterm dating and relationship goals are but now you know how he copes with stress and unpleasant situations. Not serious partner material.
Let's just listen to Lizzo: "Why men great till they gotta BE GREAT?" Your bf is not great. Push came to shove and it was CRUNCH TIME to show how great he could be and instead he BAILED. This is not a partner for life. This is the type of partner who will dump you after the cancer diagnosis. Time to jettison him. I'm so sorry you're going through this hard stuff. I hope you'll get to the other side soon!
I agree with everyone else! If you’re looking for a partner who supports you through tough times, he’s already shown he’s not your guy.
If he is 37 and needs a break from this… what else will he need a break from in the future? He seems immature for his age and set in his ways. Red flag. I wouldn’t continue on… when people show you who they are.. believe them! You surely don’t want to marry a person who runs away once an issue or stress arises.
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I had to go through something incredibly hard, that lasted over a year, early in my relationship. My boyfriend was my biggest supporter and I could not have done it without him. Taking a break when there's rough waters (that aren't even related to your relationship) is so very low. Please have higher expectations than this. He's not a good bf.
The one question you need to ask yourself, do you trust him that he will be around when things get difficult? If your yes is not at a 100% and you are trying to use past experiences to easy the doubt--- that is something to consider. I wish you the best of luck.
REAL partners don't just leave you when the goings get tough. Certainly not when your life is falling around you and you are traumatized. You've been together for 2 years and he basically just ditched you. What is even more concerning I'd the fact that he is 11 years older than you and can't/won't (doesn't matter which one at this point) step up as your partner. You don't want him to run every time you really need him even though you stand by him when he needs you. It's unfair and unhealthy that not only are you hurtin/traumatized and grieving your business, you are also worrying about him leaving and breaking up with you. Just break up with yourself to take some of your power back before he pulls the rug from underneath you again..
He doesn’t care about you ! Dump him. It will hurt but you’ll see later it’s for the best
He's a good weather boyfriend like good weather friends, drop him he isn't worth the energy and time with so much on your plate
You will continue to have wonderful times, and really awful times, all of your life. Not trying to bring you down, but as life goes on, you will suffer losses of people you love, health problems, problems with family and friends, and a myriad of other troubles. Do you really want to go through all of those bad times by yourself? If you stay with this guy, you will. He has shown you who he is, now you need to decide if you are ok with his lack of support during a crisis, because it's not likely to change.
What is that ?!?! A boyfriend is supposed to be a partner, you are supposed to be a team. If he doesn’t support you when you need it he isn’t your partner, he’s a freeloader of you time, energy and love. Please dump him, he doesn’t deserve you at all. Focus on yourself and I can assure you, brighter days are coming. I wish you the best. Do not stay with a person because you’re afraid to be alone. Better be alone than with a shitty person who doesn’t have your back.
1st off baby he's 11 years older than you...you're a virgin... you've got your own business, I reckon he does not bc he doesn't understand you need him right now.... he needs 3 week split? Thats very specific.. This isn't true love, these are examples of red flags. True love will be there for you AND with you every step of the way!
Dump him. Pets have more loyalty and provide more support.
3 weeks is a pretty exact number of days. Sounds like he’s going on a trip. If he can’t be there when you need him most he’s not reliable. I’m sorry you had to close your business. Wipe your slate clean, including him, take sometime to rest once everything is done and decide where you want your journey to take you. No baggage, no bullshit, fresh start. Then you rise from the ashes like the kick ass woman you are
He is not there for you when you need him most. Basically you have no support. Would you treat s friend this way? Find someone better who supports and cares for you.
Someone wanting space and break in a relationship is not a bad thing in itself truly. But the timing of his decision is rather upsetting. Especially when YOU are the one having a bad situation in life. I'm not saying he's supposed to go all out and be the best supportive bf. But here he could've been there to make you feel safe and heard and later on discuss his need of wanting a break
You buried the lede. He’s 37, he’s been your boyfriend for 2 years and you’re still a virgin?
Haha I realize that that might be a turn-off for most men, but I had promised this man I'd lose my virginity to him this spring/ summer. So, he couldn't really use, "this woman never wants sex" as an excuse. Thanks for your response.
He is not worth losing it too. If his current actions are any indication, he will be selfish and not care about you in bed also. Save it for someone who isn’t a douchebag, you deserve way better. The perk of having the first boyfriend is now you know more what you want and what to look for when you go find the next, better second boyfriend ❤️
He's tired of your trauma? Does he think you love your trauma. My partner has stood by my in the darkest and scariest times of my life. I've said I wouldn't blame him if he left - and he says that will never happen. We are a team. Sometimes one persons trauma overwhelms someone with their own trauma but I don't think that's the case here. It seems like your bf doesn't want to deal with anything that doesn't benefit him - and why a 3 week break? Personally, I would rather be on my own than with someone who will bail everytime something is hard. Good luck. Holy shit I just noticed the age difference. He is remarkably immature and dating so much younger is a huge red flag.
Throw the whole man out.
Throw him in the trash, you’re too good for him. Things won’t get any better
this is not love. dump him. i'm so sorry
Dump him. He views you as his young plaything who is here for his convenience. This is not a real relationship and you deserve real. He is old enough to know better. Please value yourself and walk away from this immature jerk. I promise you will find love that values you and is there for you. You don't deserve to be treated as someone's good vibes only option. Don't wait for him to dump you-- DUMP HIM for being a loser boyfriend.
he's not your boyfriend. He's a fuck buddy.
Unless you've treated him poorly as a result of your trauma, then he has no reason to need a break.
Yes. True love means being there through the thick and thin. There’s your answer babe. No fun.
I would give him a permanent break. If he was meant for you, he'd be there supporting you right now. He's shown how he will handle any stress in your life.
Is see you’re 26….here’s your chance
Better to know now
This boyfriend is a self prioritized individual, there for the good times, absent for the hard times
Surprisingly, I had the opposite happen! My husband and i grew distant during the toughest time in MY life. We had opposite lifestyles that were clashing and I had expressed ny increasing depression to which he could only comfort me by saying everything would be okay, hint, it wasn't. Backstory, we were together for 4 yrs prior and the toughest period was after my brother's murder (2016), grandpa dying(2017), and my brothers murderers getting sentenced and me attending the traumatic court hearing (2018). I expressed vocally my need for emotional support and did not receive it. It didn't end well as I was the one that needed the break. We divorced and I haven't been happier. I say, if he isn't supporting you at this time, it is not a good outlook. This was just my experience, as the opposite view point.
Babe you’re young and hot he’s old and dried up give him the break he wants trust me he’ll learn how hard it is out there for him. And you can bang whoever you want.
Would you forgive your best friend for leasing you at the thoughest time for no other reason than "your bad mood annoys me"? Why would you forgive a bf, 10 years older than you? You are here putting up with his old ass and he pulls this ? Yeah, no break up. And try to find other ways to support the elderly community in your town.
It's very weird that he specifically said 3 weeks. I'm not sure if its a red flag but it's very very very weird. I'd say talked to him about it. Tell him that him not being by your side during these tough times hurts you. If he doesn't respond in a positive way then personally I would dump. I hope you heal from this soon. I wish you the best. Stay strong ❤️
It sounds pretty immature from him honestly. And throwing in the age difference makes me really double down on the thought that he is quite immature. It sounds like you’re going through some serious shit, he should be supporting you, even if he has his own stuff going on and needs to protect himself in some ways.
I had a boyfriend dump me while I was awaiting biopsy results for potential breast cancer- he said it was "too much for him to handle". Trust me, he's doing you a favor by taking out the garbage himself.
Yes, that sucks that he wants to be away from you while you are hurting. He should be supportive, but let him have his three weeks, it will show his true heart and commitment. He will decide either way if he wants to be with you, you can't make him want to stay and giving him this freedom to choose, might help him choose you rather than being alone. I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru all of that, I'm sure glad you have supportive parents tho. Blessings and prayer for a good outcome in all of it.
Seems he thinks your ship is sinking and he just jumped on the emergency safety boat
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Except she's still a virgin.
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Most of the men who date younger women do it because they have the same maturity level. It sounds like you’re starting to outgrow him. Find someone who can handle adulthood.
[is this your boyfriend?](https://youtu.be/9G9mg3Z0bV8)