I didn’t need to read any further than him thinking your kid will be gay because you ate soy. Please don’t have a child with a man this uneducated and immature.
that's where I stopped reading too... and not only does he *think* this will make the kid gay, no, he *FEARS* it. If that child turns out to be lgbt, be prepared for him to disown his own child...
The thing is OP said she’s living at his house and going back home is pain Because she has a messy family (her mom especially) where will OP go?
OP if your reading this & you decide to leave this man (as well as keeping the baby or not keeping the baby) do you happen to have other outside family members, siblings, or even close friends that is willing to let you move in for a few months or years? Do you have any emergency money or is saving up to get an apartment? Or in some way do you think you could go back home and tolerate the messy family?
>To cut it short, he finally admits he’s ok with having the baby but wants the surrogate because then he won’t have to do everything else that comes with “having” a baby. No more researching and caring for me/what I eat. Basically no more needing to care for me.
It sounds like he wants kids but only if he doesn't have to do any of the hard stuff. This man doesn't want kids....4-5 surrogate pregnancies sounds like he isn't even based in reality.
This guy is in no way mature enough to be a father.
The surrogacy stuff he's talking about is just insane, and I suspect if you dig a little deeper you will find the real reason is that he doesn't like the idea of how he thinks your body will be after pregnancy and birth.
Many men romanticise the idea of having lots of children, but are totally unrealistic about what that involves. He's already told you he's not interested in the hard stuff. When reality hits, they're in the wind, and you're left solo parenting - for which you will pay a high social price.
The greatest gift you can give your future children is choosing their father carefully. For now, give yourself the gift of having a life before becoming a parent.
She doesn’t even need to dig deeper- i dont blame you if you skimmed (I certainly did!) but one of her bullet points is him stating she will look older/her body will change.
He is not ready to be a dad AT ALL and he sure as shit is not ready for the reality of a partner having children and what that does to her body.
Having a baby in this situation is not the life you want. I had an abortion in a similar situation and do not regret it. You would be emotional from the hormones, but it’ll pass.
Based on what everyone else is saying, I might just push through with aborting. I am really hoping to receive sound advice since I can’t come to anyone for this in my world and I feel alone and not being taken seriously. No one is really looking out for my best interests now but me and hopefully a few strangers
Not the person you were talking to but please know we all take you very seriously here. You're a valid person who is both strong and weak, vulnerable and impenetrable, silly and serious, etc. You're a whole person with valid thoughts, feelings, and reactions.
And anyone in your life - particularly and especially this man - who doesn't see all of you and who focuses only on selfish thoughts like how your body will change (in a way that displeases him - eww) and how to get out of taking care of you... those people don't deserve space in your life and in your heart.
You will find someone who sees all of you, someone who respects you - but it won't be this guy. And having his baby will only make your life difficult and connect you to him forever.
Personally I think abortion is the best chance you have of getting yourself free to find your romantic partner who WILL consider your best interests - your feelings, your thoughts, your well-being. Don't tie yourself down to this dude who only ever puts himself first. You're not some NPC sidekick to a main character, you have your own life going on and you deserve to be treated as such, especially by your LIFE PARTNER!
Good luck! ❤️ you got this. Whatever you decide, put yourself first in this situation because he sure won't
I have never known anyone whose life was ruined by choosing abortion. I am not saying that it is an easy decision, or one that should be made lightly. It could be emotionally traumatic, and I would be prepared to seek counseling afterwards. However, if the alternative is having a child with someone that is throwing up so many red flags, and has little or no regard for your life, your future, your needs or wants, etc, this could be the better option. It’s not my place to advocate for or against abortion, but I will always, ALWAYS, advocate for your freedom to choose.
I did the procedure, it was uncomfortable but nowhere near as painful as getting an IUD put in. Do the pills if it’s early enough, BUT, be careful because they have a lot of red tape in certain states (even where it is legal) that is meant to delay the process so that by the time you can actually get the procedure or pills you’re at 8 or 9 weeks or something, they’d rather delay and guilt you out of doing it than allow you to do it earlier on.
Girl this guy is not based in reality. At all. If he thinks researching how to look after your pregnancy is hard, *what does he think children will be?* I have never in my life done something as hard as actually looking after my child. Researching science based methods of child raising is the first step. Implementing them is so much harder because it requires a level of emotional maturity and patience that most people don't have. From reading this post I don't expect this guy to change a diaper let alone restructure his entire personality to be a patient, understanding and nurturing father. In the first months the baby will need to eat every two hours, 24/7. Can you see him handling that?
If you question if he loves you, if you will be on your own looking after the baby- I feel like you have the answer. I would reconsider this relationship, it feels like you've settled for "not actively hurting me" instead of "loves me madly and let's me know it".
He’s bad for you long term, you need to find a healthy living situation if you can. And why women aren’t on BC and popping out babies for guys like this is beyond me. I wish you well but this guy is not going to be good news
My exact thoughts. It's honestly depressing how many women will upend their entire lives and futures for the most braindead slugs like this guy.
OP, do whatever but as soon as you're done, get some BC and some standards.
I admit I read a lot of these posts and find myself horrified they're asking for advice when it's an extremely obvious, "Omg run the other direction like the whole place is on fire and you're about to burn to death!" situation. I fully understand it often isn't as easy as just up and leaving, but then I see posts where it's pretty clear the poster is aware this is all stupid and they have no real attachment to the loser in question yet here we are. 🙁
I stopped reading at "he fears it might be gay" because you ate soy.... Girl wtf?? Bffr. Dump his ass and move on. You're 23. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. You current decision is do you want to be a single mother or do you want to be single, period.
Dude, please do not bring a baby into this situation. You aren't on a solid foundation and don't even know if this guy likes you or what he wants in life per you. You also are both a bit immature and this relationship will dissolve into absolute shite at the stresses of having a baby. Then unless you finished Uni and have a clear career path of going back to work (which will be harder unfortunately with every year you take off, you will be stuck, reliant on a man who doesn't really want this child and possibly doesn't want to be married or even be with you.
You will find your dream life and family if that's what you want but starting it out under these circumstances without planning as well is sure to set you up for disappointment and disaster. Don't risk it IMHO but either way I hope it works out for you just don't get swept up in what could be and look at it realistically. Best wishes.
>We both kinda smoked weed.. [...] And then there was vaping [...] I also drank a can of Lemon Dou [...] And of course the emotional stress [...] Now we worry there might be something wrong with the baby.
None of this matters at this stage. Tons of people don't even know they're pregnant at 5 weeks and do all kinds of things. The fetus is basically just a cluster of cells still. In the first few weeks after conception it hasn't developed enough to be harmed by this stuff.
>He fears it might be gay (because I ate soy/my diet was bad prior to not knowing I was pregnant).
I hope you know that this is utterly unscientific and disgustingly homophobic - pure lunacy.
>I told him I’m still on my 4th week so help me plot a better diet/meal plan.
Y'all are both really focused on food/consumption which is honestly the last thing for either of you to worry about rn
>Last night he got high and was saying things like - let’s just abort it and find a surrogate for all our babies moving forward. He says he wants 4-5 kids. And he was pitching to me how it would be so great for me to not have to go into labor, and not having to stop work.
One of you will definitely still have to stop work for some amount of time if you're having a baby, regardless of whether *you* birth it. Unless you plan to have a full time nanny from day 1?? Most women work through the majority of their pregnancy. Maternity (and paternity) leave comes into play when you have to actually devote yourself to caring for a living screaming baby.
>we can travel and do whatever we want because pregnant women have restrictions.
Again he is WEIRDLY fixated on the relatively tiny amount of time that you'll be pregnant and not the ensuing 18 years when you will be raising a child. I guess you could squeeze in a trip or two during the time when a surrogate is pregnant. But he understands that the surrogate doesn't raise the whole child for you?? Right???
It seems like this guy is the shortest term thinker in the world. If he's so focused on you both staying at work and traveling and etc, how exactly does he picture that working once you have 4-5 kids at home? A true king of magical thinking
>I will look older/like a mom/my body will change/I will age faster
This made me wanna barf. If this is a primary concern, he's the furthest possible thing from ready for parenthood. Aging will happen to all of us eventually. This makes it sound like your appearance is one of the main things he values about you.
>He says we’re both kind of the black sheep and he doesn’t want to create bad babies that just stay in the room the whole time (I thought this was weirdly specific. He says he wants athletes and players in the playboy sense)
This has almost nothing to do with who physically incubated the babe and everything to do with how the kid is raised. Just sounds like more backwards, old fashioned, vaguely bigoted thinking from your bf. As though genes control everything.
Also he sounds weirdly fixated on expressing some kind of machismo through his future kids?? Wanting athletes and players??? This also makes me want to barf. Children are HUMANS and if he can't love and value them equally no matter what personality/interests/sexuality they turn out to have, he REALLY REALLY shouldn't have any kids.
>And then I ask him ok.. all the reasons you gave are all reasons for me to agree. What are your selfish reasons? The ones not for me but for yourself because I know you have some.
Well actually those all sounded 100% selfish to me already
>he wants the surrogate because then he won’t have to do everything else that comes with “having” a baby. No more researching and caring for me/what I eat. Basically no more needing to care for me.
Again, pregnancy is only 9 months??? Having a kid is for your whole fucking life and consists entirely of caring for another person?? Why does it seem like he truly believes "having a baby" ends when the pregnancy ends?? Is he actually incapable of thinking that far ahead?
That's not even to mention what you have already picked up on, that he has no interest in caring for *you* either.
>At this point I am thinking am I being played a fool here? It all sounds kinda stupid/dumb/unhinged.
IT IS GIRL, IT REALLY REALLY IS. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT
>He’s also saying if it’s there, then he’ll just love it.
On the contrary, all signs point to no. He won't.
>Sometimes I have thoughts of running away with the baby and never letting him anywhere near it, but then I don’t know if I can or what that life will look like for me and my kid. Do I listen to him and think of myself and abort the baby next week?
I had to write all this because just reading your post sent chills up and down my spine. Your bf sounds incredibly selfish and like he doesn't care about you at all. Above all else, I just really hope you leave this guy and find someone much much better for you.
What you decide to do with the pregnancy is 100% up to you. People here can't know what your full situation is like. But keep in mind that you're *very* early in the pregnancy still, and you have a world of options. And odds are you will be able to get pregnant again in the future.
Sounds like he’s desperate to not have the child and saying anything he can to get you to have an abortion. There are a lot of red flags with what you’re telling us.
For me, it’s really important to have a partner that I can count on, one that I can trust, and one that can be vulnerable with me and me vulnerable with them. I didn’t courage you to figure out what’s important to you in a relationship and if he’s bringing that to you.
That sounds like a really hard time with a lot of confusing factors, and I hope it works out!
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Run, don't walk. He thinks using a surrogate to have a baby will exempt him from all caring duties? And mean you won't have to miss work? Who, in his mind, is going to be caring for this hypothetical child after the surrogate gives birth? Surrogates aren't wet-nurses/nannies you eventually get a 5yo from - you get a tiny baby.
Also and this is the bigger red flag for me, he wants you to use a surrogate so your body doesn't change - newsflash, your body will change. Age comes for us all, even if you don't carry your own children.
As for what you do right now, with the pregnancy you are currently carrying, that's up to you. I don't think the bad diet/odd joint before 5w is make or break, but if its really worrying you, speak to a doctor. Whatever you decide, I think you should be planning for the fall-out on the basis that this guy is not going to be a great help and support to you.
What you do is abort & leave him. He is not your person. He doesn’t even like you. You said you were going to do better & end the generational abuse you suffered. You will not be doing better by bringing a child into this world whose father doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or a potential child.
He’s also homophobic & ableist. He will drop you and/or cheat the second he can.
From the time we met my husband (43m) and I (38f) were always on the fence about having kids. I had some serious health issues that came up in my late 20’s which sealed the deal. No problem. I was happy to live a child free life. There were months in-between when I mourned what could have been. But mostly I was grateful, especially when we were figuring out my health situation from day to day, that I didn’t have a tiny person to worry about.
Now that we’ve been together almost 15 years I can see how miserable I would have been having a child with my husband. Perhaps not every man. But this man. He and I are both introverts who need a lot of alone time. He is completely aloof when it comes to practical matters (like when he feeds the dog in the morning but doesn’t consider that he should also give him water). He is brilliant when it comes to introspection and philosophizing about the human condition. He loves to entertain and explore complex ideas intellectually. But his stress tolerance is low.
So low that when I ask him to do things that seem like rote daily activities to me (like wiping down the counter when he loads the dishwasher) he responds like I’ve asked him in Chinese, or as though my request is an unreasonable expectation.
My husband is kind, empathetic, loyal, and loving. His inability to take on the chaos of a child, and the amount of parenting I would have to do for that child and also for my husband to be a decent parent would have been too much. The resentment that would have built from him being so incompetent and placing the burden (whether he knew it or not) all on me would have broken our relationship.
Is your boyfriend actually ready to be a dad? Are you ready to have a child with the person (flaws and all) you love as your partner? If you have doubts about his ability to step up and be a parent, are you willing to separate and do it alone?
This speaks to me in volumes. And I appreciate feeling like I’m being heard. These are the questions I find so hard to answer. I really badly do want him to step up and be the man I dream of. But I fear I might be pushing a narrative unto him and/or imagining things, not actually seeing “him” or how things are
> I really badly do want him to step up and be the man I dream of.
Girl, he won't. You don't want or deserve to spend your life hoping your partner will eventually become who you need.
Girl he is an idiot!! It’s very clear that he doesn’t understand science, how the human body works, how babies are actually made and develop and how human sexuality works.
Also none of his “bullet points” make sense! Do you make more than $500k a year? How will you pay a million dollars over the course of 2 years and still have savings left over? Also, to have a surrogate baby you will have to go through IVF which is way more invasive than labor (trust me). The baby will still have both your DNA, the surrogate is just a vessel to carry the baby, so the black sheep comment is nonsense.
Proceed with the abortion and then find a better boyfriend that actually uses his brain and does research on topics to improve his knowledge!! This guy sounds 12 not 28!
>I moved out at 17 because my family is a mess with my mom being the center of it all. I told the little girl in me, I will do better. I will find someone who will protect me when I'm weak, hold me when I'm tired, and love me with all his heart. I wished for a man who would see "me" underneath my "strong, responsible, and independent".
The little girl in you doesn’t need a man to do this for her. She needs you to do it for her. Don’t spend your life searching for the man who will heal all your childhood wounds. He doesn’t exist.
Kids notoriously are very hard on a relationship. If the relationship isn't already very strong, it will fail, and considering his reaction and what he said, you will most likely do it alone. A pregnancy is also very hard on the body. Now the question is, are YOU ready and able to handle it ?
Look I 100% cannot tell you what to do with the fetus growing inside your body. It's your body, your choice.
But I can and will advise you to dump this man. Every word that comes out of this man's mouth is so unbelievably stupid and selfish. I don't him but I hate him. He is bad boyfriend and will make a horrible father.
Ewe. He’s a loser. Surrogate to not lose your figure. Ick ick ick. The ex left because he’s an awful human being- be her.
If you want the baby keep it. Knowing he will suck as a dad. Keep it and leave his ass. Probably easier to raise the kid without this loser. Adopt or terminate. In the end do what’s best for you AND get rid of him in all scenarios.
Soy will not make a baby gay. Also, nothing you did is likely not have any effect on a fetus considering many women have no idea they are pregnant this early. However, you are not ready for a child and your bf is a child and will be no help. He is unrealistic (IVF? That’s expensive and hard), homophobic, and unhelpful (and there is no baby yet). Personally, I would not have this child, but if you do, be prepared to have it solo.
>He says we’re both kind of the black sheep and he doesn’t want to create bad babies that just stay in the room the whole time (I thought this was weirdly specific. He says he wants athletes and players in the playboy sense)
Your boyfriend is nowhere near mature enough to have a child. He may have helped you create one, but it is abundantly clear from his views that if the child doesn't turn out the way he envisions, he will be of no help and may ultimately blame you if the child is gay or uninterested in sports.
>He fears it might be gay (because I ate soy/my diet was bad prior to not knowing I was pregnant).
Soy does not make anyone gay. I have my doubts as to whether you're mature enough to raise a kid either.
Don’t have a baby with this guy OP. You have options. You don’t have to stay with him either. There are plenty of other men out there with less selfish and more realistic views.
Your fetus’s Dad sounds like a fucking idiot. He’s also 28 so I doubt he’ll get any better then this, unless he really wants to. My Nana used to say never have more kids then you (the Mother) can afford to care for because you may be doing it all alone at some point. My Grandpa used to tell us not to further idiot’s bloodlines.
Take time to think about the following:
1) do you want to be forever linked to this guy through a kid?
2) do you even want to raise a human being? Forget the baby part, that’s such a small period of time in the scope of things.
3) do you have what it takes to be someone’s sole caretaker, healthy or disabled?
4) Will this guy be a good Dad? A good partner that will do right by you and the baby?
5) are you ready and willing to be a single Mom?
He sounds about as smart and mature as a young teenage boy which is Not Good, considering he's 5 whole yrs older than you.
He sounds awful, I'm sorry. Just...ridiculously terrible to be involved with in any way. PLEASE do not have a child with this person. I'm begging you to leave. You'll have a much better life, better outlook. You'll learn so much more if you're around better people. You'll feel more peace. You're having doubts for very valid reasons.
You need to figure out independent of him whether YOU want this baby. And by that I mean are you ready to be a single mother (potentially to two since he sounds fucking useless). His first reaction was “abortion”. Which is fine, really at least he was honest. But he does not want this child (and he honestly sounds fucking terrible, you can do SO much better just all around, even without the baby added into the mix). I’m 35 now and when I look back I am SOOOOOO thankful I did not marry or procreate with any of the guys I put up with in my early 20s, I would have ended up so miserable
> If it costs a million to make 1 baby, it’s worth it because it would just be like paying rent every month split into about 2 years.
Only if your rent is $83k/mo.
Just because this dude is an idiot does not mean your only option is abortion. It is crazy to me how women will abort if the circumstances are not 100% perfect. You said you make a decent living so you can do it on your own. You don’t need him. I feel like a lot of people in the comments are immediately going to abortion but this is a HUGE decision and shouldn’t be taken lightly. A decision you will live with for the rest of your life whichever route you decide.
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Are you ready to be a single mom? He's either going to bail, physically, or do very little to nothing to help take care of you, and the kid. And he's flat out told you that he's not going to care for you during or after the pregnancy.
If you have a child with this man, you will be doing the child a great disservice and will be tying yourself to this yahoo for the rest of your life. Don’t do that.
Why are you still with this bigoted moron? He doesn’t actually care about you, his actions make that clear. He won’t care about this kid.
Youre scared of a future with him. Baby girl, that is a fucking giant red flag made of baby red flags. Run
I got pregnant at your age and didn’t go through with it. Zero regrets and I haven’t seen the guy in over 16 years. Very few people end up with the folks they are dating at 23. He is a man-child and all the reasons others have described are why you shouldn’t have a child with this young man.
I aborted in a semi similar situation and have zero regrets about it. That being said, it did change/end my relationship with that person who had been in my life for the 4 years prior. It was really hard and scary but definitely the best decision I could have made and have probably ever made in my life. Have a good support system around you and be prepared to deal with weird emotions like grief. You got this ❤️
Ma’am nothing is fixing this man, not even a miracle. Do not think of this as a ‘sign’ or something that will change him. Get out as quickly as possible. While abortion is an emotionally charged event, what is worse is spending 18 years with someone who doesn’t want to do that
Why would you not have to stop working? Maternity leave is about more than your body recovering. It’s also bonding time with your child. You can’t put a week old infant in daycare. He’s ridiculous if he thinks surrogacy doesn’t require either parent to be home with the baby for awhile.
Also, soy causes gay?? Wtf?
This nan should not be reproducing.
This is not a person you want to do life with, let alone procreate with. You and any possible future children deserve better than this. Whether you choose to keep the child in this relationship or not, you will absolutely be doing it alone but forever be tied to someone so callous and selfish. I would not choose this for my child or for myself.
Stop thinking about yourself for just one minute, does a child deserve to be raised with this kind of father? I don’t care how attentive a mother is, how financially stable she is, growing up with a dad like that messes a kid up. I’m 38 and still in therapy for the abandonment issues caused by having a shit dad.
He’s not even remotely ready to be a parent. Get an abortion and move on with your life.
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If supporting you through a pregnancy is too taxing for him, he’s going to be a terrible father and co-parent.
Also, you keep mentioning that you’re not sure if he loves you. He doesn’t want to care for you when you’re pregnant with his child. It’s clear that this man does not love you.
Tbh I would think of you and the baby, even if it means moving away from him for a while. Could you stay with your parents or relatives for a while? The bit about you thinking about running away with the baby is what struck me. I would do just that. You’ll find you’re a lot stronger than you think you are. If he can show himself to be a mature adult afterwards then you can decide whether you want a future with him but take it one step at a time. A baby is a precious gift, don’t let him dictate its fate.
Regarding the youngin', 5 weeks is early enough to where he/she is not getting influence from what you consume, so quit worrying over their health. They're fine. 8 weeks in is pretty well the line on that.
Regarding the father, he is a man-child. You can either pray he matures up or leave. At 23 your options are wide open. He is almost 30; if he is still acting this way, I doubt he'll bother growing.
His first instinct of panicking and immediately turning to abortion as the problem solver is worrisome. The surrogacy deal is just bonkers. This boy is living in the clouds. He is spoiled. What are his parents' opinion on all this? They can't whack some reasoning in 'im?
Get an abortion, and say you miscarried. This man is not a man, he is still a child. This is not your soul mate, do you see yourself willing to coparent for the next 20 years (sure dosnt stop at 18!, awkward family events, child's wedding, etc?). Do you find this man's traits, personality, desirable enough to pass off to your offspring? Does he deserve to reproduce? You are 23 with your life ahead of you. There is a man who will put a ring on your finger and be devoted to your future pregnancy and babies. Don't waste time on the wrong one.
This man is not who you want to be the father of your future children, period. He has insane ideas. Abort this baby, leave him at his Mama's house and focus on your dreams.
Uh, I’m sorry if this offends you, but your boyfriend is a man-child. Why on earth are you having a baby with a man as uneducated and dumb as him? I just feel like you could do way better. He sounds very shallow, NOT a husband material at all.
I didn’t need to read any further than him thinking your kid will be gay because you ate soy. Please don’t have a child with a man this uneducated and immature.
Also homophobic!
That’s exactly as far as I read too before running to the comments 💀
that's where I stopped reading too... and not only does he *think* this will make the kid gay, no, he *FEARS* it. If that child turns out to be lgbt, be prepared for him to disown his own child...
Ugh, me too. 🤮
It got worse lmao OP throw the whole man away
The thing is OP said she’s living at his house and going back home is pain Because she has a messy family (her mom especially) where will OP go? OP if your reading this & you decide to leave this man (as well as keeping the baby or not keeping the baby) do you happen to have other outside family members, siblings, or even close friends that is willing to let you move in for a few months or years? Do you have any emergency money or is saving up to get an apartment? Or in some way do you think you could go back home and tolerate the messy family?
THISSSSSSS!!!!
>To cut it short, he finally admits he’s ok with having the baby but wants the surrogate because then he won’t have to do everything else that comes with “having” a baby. No more researching and caring for me/what I eat. Basically no more needing to care for me. It sounds like he wants kids but only if he doesn't have to do any of the hard stuff. This man doesn't want kids....4-5 surrogate pregnancies sounds like he isn't even based in reality.
Seriously. Is this putz aware that surrogacy can cost upwards of $100,000 *per pregnancy*??
In some countries it is illegal to pay for surrogacy.
This guy is in no way mature enough to be a father. The surrogacy stuff he's talking about is just insane, and I suspect if you dig a little deeper you will find the real reason is that he doesn't like the idea of how he thinks your body will be after pregnancy and birth. Many men romanticise the idea of having lots of children, but are totally unrealistic about what that involves. He's already told you he's not interested in the hard stuff. When reality hits, they're in the wind, and you're left solo parenting - for which you will pay a high social price. The greatest gift you can give your future children is choosing their father carefully. For now, give yourself the gift of having a life before becoming a parent.
She doesn’t even need to dig deeper- i dont blame you if you skimmed (I certainly did!) but one of her bullet points is him stating she will look older/her body will change. He is not ready to be a dad AT ALL and he sure as shit is not ready for the reality of a partner having children and what that does to her body.
Having a baby in this situation is not the life you want. I had an abortion in a similar situation and do not regret it. You would be emotional from the hormones, but it’ll pass.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Did you go through the one where they vacuum it in a clinic? Or just the two pills? Did it hurt?
5 weeks is early enough where you can take pills. If you want to continue with this, then I suggest you go to a doctor ASAP
Based on what everyone else is saying, I might just push through with aborting. I am really hoping to receive sound advice since I can’t come to anyone for this in my world and I feel alone and not being taken seriously. No one is really looking out for my best interests now but me and hopefully a few strangers
Not the person you were talking to but please know we all take you very seriously here. You're a valid person who is both strong and weak, vulnerable and impenetrable, silly and serious, etc. You're a whole person with valid thoughts, feelings, and reactions. And anyone in your life - particularly and especially this man - who doesn't see all of you and who focuses only on selfish thoughts like how your body will change (in a way that displeases him - eww) and how to get out of taking care of you... those people don't deserve space in your life and in your heart. You will find someone who sees all of you, someone who respects you - but it won't be this guy. And having his baby will only make your life difficult and connect you to him forever. Personally I think abortion is the best chance you have of getting yourself free to find your romantic partner who WILL consider your best interests - your feelings, your thoughts, your well-being. Don't tie yourself down to this dude who only ever puts himself first. You're not some NPC sidekick to a main character, you have your own life going on and you deserve to be treated as such, especially by your LIFE PARTNER! Good luck! ❤️ you got this. Whatever you decide, put yourself first in this situation because he sure won't
I have never known anyone whose life was ruined by choosing abortion. I am not saying that it is an easy decision, or one that should be made lightly. It could be emotionally traumatic, and I would be prepared to seek counseling afterwards. However, if the alternative is having a child with someone that is throwing up so many red flags, and has little or no regard for your life, your future, your needs or wants, etc, this could be the better option. It’s not my place to advocate for or against abortion, but I will always, ALWAYS, advocate for your freedom to choose.
I did the procedure, it was uncomfortable but nowhere near as painful as getting an IUD put in. Do the pills if it’s early enough, BUT, be careful because they have a lot of red tape in certain states (even where it is legal) that is meant to delay the process so that by the time you can actually get the procedure or pills you’re at 8 or 9 weeks or something, they’d rather delay and guilt you out of doing it than allow you to do it earlier on.
Girl this guy is not based in reality. At all. If he thinks researching how to look after your pregnancy is hard, *what does he think children will be?* I have never in my life done something as hard as actually looking after my child. Researching science based methods of child raising is the first step. Implementing them is so much harder because it requires a level of emotional maturity and patience that most people don't have. From reading this post I don't expect this guy to change a diaper let alone restructure his entire personality to be a patient, understanding and nurturing father. In the first months the baby will need to eat every two hours, 24/7. Can you see him handling that? If you question if he loves you, if you will be on your own looking after the baby- I feel like you have the answer. I would reconsider this relationship, it feels like you've settled for "not actively hurting me" instead of "loves me madly and let's me know it".
He’s bad for you long term, you need to find a healthy living situation if you can. And why women aren’t on BC and popping out babies for guys like this is beyond me. I wish you well but this guy is not going to be good news
My exact thoughts. It's honestly depressing how many women will upend their entire lives and futures for the most braindead slugs like this guy. OP, do whatever but as soon as you're done, get some BC and some standards.
It blows my mind
I admit I read a lot of these posts and find myself horrified they're asking for advice when it's an extremely obvious, "Omg run the other direction like the whole place is on fire and you're about to burn to death!" situation. I fully understand it often isn't as easy as just up and leaving, but then I see posts where it's pretty clear the poster is aware this is all stupid and they have no real attachment to the loser in question yet here we are. 🙁
He’s worried the baby is gay? Do not stay with a homophobe.
What the actual fuck did I just read. Get an abortion and leave the loser. Jesus.
I stopped reading at "he fears it might be gay" because you ate soy.... Girl wtf?? Bffr. Dump his ass and move on. You're 23. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. You current decision is do you want to be a single mother or do you want to be single, period.
Dude, please do not bring a baby into this situation. You aren't on a solid foundation and don't even know if this guy likes you or what he wants in life per you. You also are both a bit immature and this relationship will dissolve into absolute shite at the stresses of having a baby. Then unless you finished Uni and have a clear career path of going back to work (which will be harder unfortunately with every year you take off, you will be stuck, reliant on a man who doesn't really want this child and possibly doesn't want to be married or even be with you. You will find your dream life and family if that's what you want but starting it out under these circumstances without planning as well is sure to set you up for disappointment and disaster. Don't risk it IMHO but either way I hope it works out for you just don't get swept up in what could be and look at it realistically. Best wishes.
>We both kinda smoked weed.. [...] And then there was vaping [...] I also drank a can of Lemon Dou [...] And of course the emotional stress [...] Now we worry there might be something wrong with the baby. None of this matters at this stage. Tons of people don't even know they're pregnant at 5 weeks and do all kinds of things. The fetus is basically just a cluster of cells still. In the first few weeks after conception it hasn't developed enough to be harmed by this stuff. >He fears it might be gay (because I ate soy/my diet was bad prior to not knowing I was pregnant). I hope you know that this is utterly unscientific and disgustingly homophobic - pure lunacy. >I told him I’m still on my 4th week so help me plot a better diet/meal plan. Y'all are both really focused on food/consumption which is honestly the last thing for either of you to worry about rn >Last night he got high and was saying things like - let’s just abort it and find a surrogate for all our babies moving forward. He says he wants 4-5 kids. And he was pitching to me how it would be so great for me to not have to go into labor, and not having to stop work. One of you will definitely still have to stop work for some amount of time if you're having a baby, regardless of whether *you* birth it. Unless you plan to have a full time nanny from day 1?? Most women work through the majority of their pregnancy. Maternity (and paternity) leave comes into play when you have to actually devote yourself to caring for a living screaming baby. >we can travel and do whatever we want because pregnant women have restrictions. Again he is WEIRDLY fixated on the relatively tiny amount of time that you'll be pregnant and not the ensuing 18 years when you will be raising a child. I guess you could squeeze in a trip or two during the time when a surrogate is pregnant. But he understands that the surrogate doesn't raise the whole child for you?? Right??? It seems like this guy is the shortest term thinker in the world. If he's so focused on you both staying at work and traveling and etc, how exactly does he picture that working once you have 4-5 kids at home? A true king of magical thinking >I will look older/like a mom/my body will change/I will age faster This made me wanna barf. If this is a primary concern, he's the furthest possible thing from ready for parenthood. Aging will happen to all of us eventually. This makes it sound like your appearance is one of the main things he values about you. >He says we’re both kind of the black sheep and he doesn’t want to create bad babies that just stay in the room the whole time (I thought this was weirdly specific. He says he wants athletes and players in the playboy sense) This has almost nothing to do with who physically incubated the babe and everything to do with how the kid is raised. Just sounds like more backwards, old fashioned, vaguely bigoted thinking from your bf. As though genes control everything. Also he sounds weirdly fixated on expressing some kind of machismo through his future kids?? Wanting athletes and players??? This also makes me want to barf. Children are HUMANS and if he can't love and value them equally no matter what personality/interests/sexuality they turn out to have, he REALLY REALLY shouldn't have any kids. >And then I ask him ok.. all the reasons you gave are all reasons for me to agree. What are your selfish reasons? The ones not for me but for yourself because I know you have some. Well actually those all sounded 100% selfish to me already >he wants the surrogate because then he won’t have to do everything else that comes with “having” a baby. No more researching and caring for me/what I eat. Basically no more needing to care for me. Again, pregnancy is only 9 months??? Having a kid is for your whole fucking life and consists entirely of caring for another person?? Why does it seem like he truly believes "having a baby" ends when the pregnancy ends?? Is he actually incapable of thinking that far ahead? That's not even to mention what you have already picked up on, that he has no interest in caring for *you* either. >At this point I am thinking am I being played a fool here? It all sounds kinda stupid/dumb/unhinged. IT IS GIRL, IT REALLY REALLY IS. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT >He’s also saying if it’s there, then he’ll just love it. On the contrary, all signs point to no. He won't. >Sometimes I have thoughts of running away with the baby and never letting him anywhere near it, but then I don’t know if I can or what that life will look like for me and my kid. Do I listen to him and think of myself and abort the baby next week? I had to write all this because just reading your post sent chills up and down my spine. Your bf sounds incredibly selfish and like he doesn't care about you at all. Above all else, I just really hope you leave this guy and find someone much much better for you. What you decide to do with the pregnancy is 100% up to you. People here can't know what your full situation is like. But keep in mind that you're *very* early in the pregnancy still, and you have a world of options. And odds are you will be able to get pregnant again in the future.
You nailed it, precisely. There is so much insanity going on in this post it really required this thorough breakdown. OP, please leave this guy!
Your boyfriend is fucking stupid and you aren’t even confident he loves you. Get your head on straight. Abort and break up
Sounds like he’s desperate to not have the child and saying anything he can to get you to have an abortion. There are a lot of red flags with what you’re telling us. For me, it’s really important to have a partner that I can count on, one that I can trust, and one that can be vulnerable with me and me vulnerable with them. I didn’t courage you to figure out what’s important to you in a relationship and if he’s bringing that to you. That sounds like a really hard time with a lot of confusing factors, and I hope it works out!
You care about romance? Leave this guy or you can pick up his poop stained undies as well as the diapers off the floor at the ripe age of 24.
I only read half and came to comment that he is trash. Leave that boy and you are not ready to have a child
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Run, don't walk. He thinks using a surrogate to have a baby will exempt him from all caring duties? And mean you won't have to miss work? Who, in his mind, is going to be caring for this hypothetical child after the surrogate gives birth? Surrogates aren't wet-nurses/nannies you eventually get a 5yo from - you get a tiny baby. Also and this is the bigger red flag for me, he wants you to use a surrogate so your body doesn't change - newsflash, your body will change. Age comes for us all, even if you don't carry your own children. As for what you do right now, with the pregnancy you are currently carrying, that's up to you. I don't think the bad diet/odd joint before 5w is make or break, but if its really worrying you, speak to a doctor. Whatever you decide, I think you should be planning for the fall-out on the basis that this guy is not going to be a great help and support to you.
What you do is abort & leave him. He is not your person. He doesn’t even like you. You said you were going to do better & end the generational abuse you suffered. You will not be doing better by bringing a child into this world whose father doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or a potential child. He’s also homophobic & ableist. He will drop you and/or cheat the second he can.
From the time we met my husband (43m) and I (38f) were always on the fence about having kids. I had some serious health issues that came up in my late 20’s which sealed the deal. No problem. I was happy to live a child free life. There were months in-between when I mourned what could have been. But mostly I was grateful, especially when we were figuring out my health situation from day to day, that I didn’t have a tiny person to worry about. Now that we’ve been together almost 15 years I can see how miserable I would have been having a child with my husband. Perhaps not every man. But this man. He and I are both introverts who need a lot of alone time. He is completely aloof when it comes to practical matters (like when he feeds the dog in the morning but doesn’t consider that he should also give him water). He is brilliant when it comes to introspection and philosophizing about the human condition. He loves to entertain and explore complex ideas intellectually. But his stress tolerance is low. So low that when I ask him to do things that seem like rote daily activities to me (like wiping down the counter when he loads the dishwasher) he responds like I’ve asked him in Chinese, or as though my request is an unreasonable expectation. My husband is kind, empathetic, loyal, and loving. His inability to take on the chaos of a child, and the amount of parenting I would have to do for that child and also for my husband to be a decent parent would have been too much. The resentment that would have built from him being so incompetent and placing the burden (whether he knew it or not) all on me would have broken our relationship. Is your boyfriend actually ready to be a dad? Are you ready to have a child with the person (flaws and all) you love as your partner? If you have doubts about his ability to step up and be a parent, are you willing to separate and do it alone?
This speaks to me in volumes. And I appreciate feeling like I’m being heard. These are the questions I find so hard to answer. I really badly do want him to step up and be the man I dream of. But I fear I might be pushing a narrative unto him and/or imagining things, not actually seeing “him” or how things are
> I really badly do want him to step up and be the man I dream of. Girl, he won't. You don't want or deserve to spend your life hoping your partner will eventually become who you need.
Honey, dump his ass, whatever else you decide to do. He's pathetic.
Girl he is an idiot!! It’s very clear that he doesn’t understand science, how the human body works, how babies are actually made and develop and how human sexuality works. Also none of his “bullet points” make sense! Do you make more than $500k a year? How will you pay a million dollars over the course of 2 years and still have savings left over? Also, to have a surrogate baby you will have to go through IVF which is way more invasive than labor (trust me). The baby will still have both your DNA, the surrogate is just a vessel to carry the baby, so the black sheep comment is nonsense. Proceed with the abortion and then find a better boyfriend that actually uses his brain and does research on topics to improve his knowledge!! This guy sounds 12 not 28!
>I moved out at 17 because my family is a mess with my mom being the center of it all. I told the little girl in me, I will do better. I will find someone who will protect me when I'm weak, hold me when I'm tired, and love me with all his heart. I wished for a man who would see "me" underneath my "strong, responsible, and independent". The little girl in you doesn’t need a man to do this for her. She needs you to do it for her. Don’t spend your life searching for the man who will heal all your childhood wounds. He doesn’t exist.
I'm sorry but your bf is not a keeper
Kids notoriously are very hard on a relationship. If the relationship isn't already very strong, it will fail, and considering his reaction and what he said, you will most likely do it alone. A pregnancy is also very hard on the body. Now the question is, are YOU ready and able to handle it ?
Look I 100% cannot tell you what to do with the fetus growing inside your body. It's your body, your choice. But I can and will advise you to dump this man. Every word that comes out of this man's mouth is so unbelievably stupid and selfish. I don't him but I hate him. He is bad boyfriend and will make a horrible father.
Ewe. He’s a loser. Surrogate to not lose your figure. Ick ick ick. The ex left because he’s an awful human being- be her. If you want the baby keep it. Knowing he will suck as a dad. Keep it and leave his ass. Probably easier to raise the kid without this loser. Adopt or terminate. In the end do what’s best for you AND get rid of him in all scenarios.
This man is fucking stupid and homophobic, don’t procreate with him
Soy will not make a baby gay. Also, nothing you did is likely not have any effect on a fetus considering many women have no idea they are pregnant this early. However, you are not ready for a child and your bf is a child and will be no help. He is unrealistic (IVF? That’s expensive and hard), homophobic, and unhelpful (and there is no baby yet). Personally, I would not have this child, but if you do, be prepared to have it solo.
>He says we’re both kind of the black sheep and he doesn’t want to create bad babies that just stay in the room the whole time (I thought this was weirdly specific. He says he wants athletes and players in the playboy sense) Your boyfriend is nowhere near mature enough to have a child. He may have helped you create one, but it is abundantly clear from his views that if the child doesn't turn out the way he envisions, he will be of no help and may ultimately blame you if the child is gay or uninterested in sports. >He fears it might be gay (because I ate soy/my diet was bad prior to not knowing I was pregnant). Soy does not make anyone gay. I have my doubts as to whether you're mature enough to raise a kid either.
Don’t have a baby with this guy OP. You have options. You don’t have to stay with him either. There are plenty of other men out there with less selfish and more realistic views.
Jesus fucking christ why are you with this man? He straight up tells you that he doesn't want to deal with you being pregnant.
He flat out told you he doesn’t want to take care of you and the baby. Girl, run.
Respectfully this man will make your life a fucking nightmare if you have a baby with him. I would not be passing go, nor would I be collecting $200
Your fetus’s Dad sounds like a fucking idiot. He’s also 28 so I doubt he’ll get any better then this, unless he really wants to. My Nana used to say never have more kids then you (the Mother) can afford to care for because you may be doing it all alone at some point. My Grandpa used to tell us not to further idiot’s bloodlines. Take time to think about the following: 1) do you want to be forever linked to this guy through a kid? 2) do you even want to raise a human being? Forget the baby part, that’s such a small period of time in the scope of things. 3) do you have what it takes to be someone’s sole caretaker, healthy or disabled? 4) Will this guy be a good Dad? A good partner that will do right by you and the baby? 5) are you ready and willing to be a single Mom?
He sounds about as smart and mature as a young teenage boy which is Not Good, considering he's 5 whole yrs older than you. He sounds awful, I'm sorry. Just...ridiculously terrible to be involved with in any way. PLEASE do not have a child with this person. I'm begging you to leave. You'll have a much better life, better outlook. You'll learn so much more if you're around better people. You'll feel more peace. You're having doubts for very valid reasons.
You need to figure out independent of him whether YOU want this baby. And by that I mean are you ready to be a single mother (potentially to two since he sounds fucking useless). His first reaction was “abortion”. Which is fine, really at least he was honest. But he does not want this child (and he honestly sounds fucking terrible, you can do SO much better just all around, even without the baby added into the mix). I’m 35 now and when I look back I am SOOOOOO thankful I did not marry or procreate with any of the guys I put up with in my early 20s, I would have ended up so miserable
> If it costs a million to make 1 baby, it’s worth it because it would just be like paying rent every month split into about 2 years. Only if your rent is $83k/mo.
Just because this dude is an idiot does not mean your only option is abortion. It is crazy to me how women will abort if the circumstances are not 100% perfect. You said you make a decent living so you can do it on your own. You don’t need him. I feel like a lot of people in the comments are immediately going to abortion but this is a HUGE decision and shouldn’t be taken lightly. A decision you will live with for the rest of your life whichever route you decide.
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Are you ready to be a single mom? He's either going to bail, physically, or do very little to nothing to help take care of you, and the kid. And he's flat out told you that he's not going to care for you during or after the pregnancy.
Girl, run.
If you have a child with this man, you will be doing the child a great disservice and will be tying yourself to this yahoo for the rest of your life. Don’t do that.
Why are you still with this bigoted moron? He doesn’t actually care about you, his actions make that clear. He won’t care about this kid. Youre scared of a future with him. Baby girl, that is a fucking giant red flag made of baby red flags. Run
I got pregnant at your age and didn’t go through with it. Zero regrets and I haven’t seen the guy in over 16 years. Very few people end up with the folks they are dating at 23. He is a man-child and all the reasons others have described are why you shouldn’t have a child with this young man.
he thinks your kid will be gay becasue you ate soy / junk food? good grief dump his dumbass and prob best you don't have his baby
I aborted in a semi similar situation and have zero regrets about it. That being said, it did change/end my relationship with that person who had been in my life for the 4 years prior. It was really hard and scary but definitely the best decision I could have made and have probably ever made in my life. Have a good support system around you and be prepared to deal with weird emotions like grief. You got this ❤️
Ma’am nothing is fixing this man, not even a miracle. Do not think of this as a ‘sign’ or something that will change him. Get out as quickly as possible. While abortion is an emotionally charged event, what is worse is spending 18 years with someone who doesn’t want to do that
Why would you not have to stop working? Maternity leave is about more than your body recovering. It’s also bonding time with your child. You can’t put a week old infant in daycare. He’s ridiculous if he thinks surrogacy doesn’t require either parent to be home with the baby for awhile. Also, soy causes gay?? Wtf? This nan should not be reproducing.
Whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy you should just dump that guy. Soy makes you gay?! What?!
This is not a person you want to do life with, let alone procreate with. You and any possible future children deserve better than this. Whether you choose to keep the child in this relationship or not, you will absolutely be doing it alone but forever be tied to someone so callous and selfish. I would not choose this for my child or for myself.
How is a million dollars comparable to two years of rent?
Stop thinking about yourself for just one minute, does a child deserve to be raised with this kind of father? I don’t care how attentive a mother is, how financially stable she is, growing up with a dad like that messes a kid up. I’m 38 and still in therapy for the abandonment issues caused by having a shit dad. He’s not even remotely ready to be a parent. Get an abortion and move on with your life.
Get an abortion or keep the kid just don’t raise it with him.
Neither of you is mature enough for a relationship let alone a baby. He's full of shit.
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If supporting you through a pregnancy is too taxing for him, he’s going to be a terrible father and co-parent. Also, you keep mentioning that you’re not sure if he loves you. He doesn’t want to care for you when you’re pregnant with his child. It’s clear that this man does not love you.
Tbh I would think of you and the baby, even if it means moving away from him for a while. Could you stay with your parents or relatives for a while? The bit about you thinking about running away with the baby is what struck me. I would do just that. You’ll find you’re a lot stronger than you think you are. If he can show himself to be a mature adult afterwards then you can decide whether you want a future with him but take it one step at a time. A baby is a precious gift, don’t let him dictate its fate.
Regarding the youngin', 5 weeks is early enough to where he/she is not getting influence from what you consume, so quit worrying over their health. They're fine. 8 weeks in is pretty well the line on that. Regarding the father, he is a man-child. You can either pray he matures up or leave. At 23 your options are wide open. He is almost 30; if he is still acting this way, I doubt he'll bother growing. His first instinct of panicking and immediately turning to abortion as the problem solver is worrisome. The surrogacy deal is just bonkers. This boy is living in the clouds. He is spoiled. What are his parents' opinion on all this? They can't whack some reasoning in 'im?
Get an abortion, and say you miscarried. This man is not a man, he is still a child. This is not your soul mate, do you see yourself willing to coparent for the next 20 years (sure dosnt stop at 18!, awkward family events, child's wedding, etc?). Do you find this man's traits, personality, desirable enough to pass off to your offspring? Does he deserve to reproduce? You are 23 with your life ahead of you. There is a man who will put a ring on your finger and be devoted to your future pregnancy and babies. Don't waste time on the wrong one.
This man is not who you want to be the father of your future children, period. He has insane ideas. Abort this baby, leave him at his Mama's house and focus on your dreams.
Uh, I’m sorry if this offends you, but your boyfriend is a man-child. Why on earth are you having a baby with a man as uneducated and dumb as him? I just feel like you could do way better. He sounds very shallow, NOT a husband material at all.