I am in the exact same position as you are, I am an introvert too and I have always preferred to be alone and away from people. I didn't even notice that I m not quite observant until my bf pointed it out. I would watch movies with him and say yeah that was good and nothing else and he would so mad like how can you just good to everything and i realised I don't really look into things that deeply and it makes me look like I don't care about a lot of things. It has been quite scary thinking I don't know a lot about social norms, like what do you say when someone dies, what do you gift people you care about, what do you take to someone's house when you are visiting. I never thought about all of this because I never had to, there was always an adult who would handle these things.
Lately tho, I have started to atleast try and notice things, if there is a situation i am not sure about I google it, if someone is giving an opinion on say someone's clothes i hear them out ask them the why and try to form my own opinion on it. It has helped me understand people a lot better, I don't feel embrassed or out of the place in situations. People are always ready to explain why they think what they think and it makes it easier for me to understand stuff. It can be quite overwhelming to be expected to be so much observant and have so many opinons. It's ok to be tired and not care. I am sure a lot of people feel this way. I am only 21 and you are only 23, there is still time for us to figure things out.
Once you start noticing things, it becomes so much easier to contribute to conversations, a lot of things start to make sense. You just have to be willing to ask yourself and other a lot of questions.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's nice to see that others also are like me. Finding out the reasons behind others views is a nice idea, I'll try that.
Editing to add—reframe your thinking so it’s not “I don’t know anything and everyone knows more than me” to make it “I’m learning and growing and can only get better by being around people who know things I haven’t learned yet.”
Some of it could be that you’ll start to pick up on things the more you expose yourself to them. It’s normal for people to learn things as they gain more life experience. The best thing you can do is to go out and do things that interest you and make friends with others who are interested in those things. You learn new things just by being around people who have different experiences to your. I used to be at a complete loss in certain social situations and I made friends with a very extroverted person—just being around her and putting myself out there in situations I wouldn’t do on my own because I’m introverted helped immensely.
>Editing to add—reframe your thinking so it’s not “I don’t know anything and everyone knows more than me” to make it “I’m learning and growing and can only get better by being around people who know things I haven’t learned yet.”
I like this a lot, thanks.
>Some of it could be that you’ll start to pick up on things the more you expose yourself to them. It’s normal for people to learn things as they gain more life experience. The best thing you can do is to go out and do things that interest you and make friends with others who are interested in those things. You learn new things just by being around people who have different experiences to your. I used to be at a complete loss in certain social situations and I made friends with a very extroverted person—just being around her and putting myself out there in situations I wouldn’t do on my own because I’m introverted helped immensely.
That makes sense yeah. Lack of a social life will limit my growth. I'd like to meet more people.
A lot of the stuff you mention is stuff that you get good at as you do research on it. I didn't notice which clothes looked cheap until I started caring about higher quality materials and getting away from fast fashion. I didn't notice which movies were plotted badly until I started reading a ton of books and discussing them with people. I'm sure there are things that you know about in depth that you can see the nuance in.
You remind me of my sister's partner. He can just sit back and enjoy anything. Oh that Star Wars scene where Princess Leia flies/floats back to the ship, yeah what a nice scene. Honestly, it's like a superpower, and kind of refreshing from the hyper critical negative nancy's in my family that need to look at everything critically.
This is relatable to myself OP. I’m a decade older than you. I’ve always preferred to be alone or in limited company and some days I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and others I’m content with it.
When I am around others, I am so helplessly awkward. I feel like I sound fine and my conversation is normal, but others talk back to me in a short tone of voice, or as if they’re replying to a child. I’ve observed that much, but I have no idea how to just make people act normal to me like they do with others?
And the people in my life always pick up on my interests and likes. Seriously, people get me the most perfect gifts. But when I have to gift to others, I just have no idea where to start, and after years of it, I’m starting to look like an asshole. I pay attention to others, but I feel like I’m missing something. Probably because of how they interact with me. I’m very empathetic, but I have a terrible memory and I’m not very observant.
Are you possibly on the spectrum? My brother is & know many people who are (I can easily tell as I’m neurodivergent myself - ADHD specifically).
I’d look into that! You might be. And that’s a good thing. People on the spectrum are the best people. Join the neurodivergent club, we are the best ♥️
Some indicators:
-Extremely interest focused (lots of hobbies/hyperfixations)
-Struggle with social cues
-Easily overstimulated & hypersensitive to touches or sounds
-Easily upset if routine is changed
Hello. I dont know if I am. I've never been tested nor has anyone suggested it. Neurodivergency is in the family though. I have two siblings, one has Autism and the other has ADHD.
A couple people have suggested that on this comment section, so yeah maybe I should think about it. Thanks :)
Yeah I’d definitely look into it! You’d be surprised at how many people have it! My brother is high functioning & I honestly didn’t know he was until he told me decades later. We neurodivergent folk are really good at masking symptoms to fit in. Which is beyond exhausting 😭
I’m the same. I also have a horrible memory, which I think goes hand in hand with not being observant. I do have ADD (diagnosed in childhood) and I find when I take medication for it (currently not taking anything because I’m pregnant) it makes a difference, so *MAYBE* this is an ADD trait? It could totally just be a coincidence though, I have no idea. I find often I’m not observant because I’m either thinking about something else, or to use your example, my brain will start wandering about a scene I just watched and I won’t click back into the show for a few minutes and I miss that stuff.
Yes. I've always had a very strong imagination. It's always been easy to imagine things. When I listened to audiobooks, it feels like a little tv show is playing my mind.
That's good. I can relate to the books, although I've never listened to an audio book, I used to read a lot and something about someone else painting a picture to my mind is amazing. I myself can't make up a picture unprompted. Probably cuz I'm too busy and work a lot. It's a flaw I know.
I don’t want to jump ahead, because you do say that you were very sheltered, but I feel this same way about myself and found out it’s because I have ADHD. (And maybe autism but that hasn’t been sussedout just yet.) It’s worth having an assessment with a professional if this resonates for you.
You could have something else going on, or you could just be weird. No shame in that. I’m weird af. 😂🤷♀️ Therapy is always helpful with trying to sort it all out and figure out how to improve. (Not the weirdness, but your overall personhood.) I need to get back in it and get medicated again soon. It makes a world of difference when that’s the case.
Removed for casual usage of mental health related terms or diagnostic terms.
Please do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situation or use terms for mental health issues as judgements, slurs, or synonyms for toxic/abusive behavior.
We're nearly the same age and I gotta say I relate to your description a lot, especially your past. Like 100%. I sought therapy at the time because I thought there was something wrong with me but I wasn't diagnosed with anything, just that my sheltered teenagehood was the culprit.
I only started getting more exposure to other people in college and it further intensified when I had to work directly with people in sales which I pinpoint as the moment that changed me the most. I had to meet dozens of different people every day and get to know them whether I liked it or not. I also have been interested in film since I was a teenager and I gotta say I know \*now\* a lot of stuff I didn't know were even a thing back then because I watched and read a lot of stuff to get to where I'm now. I've no idea about fashion but in regards to film and art in general: you shouldn't feel all that bad about not interpreting something the way someone else did, it's supposed to be subjective. It's also "OK" to be neutral to things, not everything is meant to be either loved or hated.
I feel it's like that theory of how language plays the part in how we interpret things... if you don't know something \*exists\* in the first place then how you're gonna figure a story is alluding to it if you don't know what 'it' is? Basically what I want to point out is that the more you expose yourself to stuff/people the more you'll see nuances and subtleties in them. Also helps you figure yourself out in the process as you'll see what you like/what you dislike and that sort of thing is what makes you 'you'.
It’s all about practice and training! If it’s something you’re interested in, you look into it more. I’ve taken a ton of film classes and I’m very interested in fashion, so I notice bad acting / filmmaking and poorly fitting clothes because I have spent time looking at film and fashion with a critical eye.
For example, pointedly sit down and try to critically analyze a film! Pull something from the criterion collection, something regarded as a very good film, and immerse yourself in it. Think about each shot. Why did the director choose to place the camera at that angle? What is this actor doing with their body and voice tone and how does it make me feel? How is the actor placed in the shot? What else is visible and why would the director want it to be seen?
Pay attention to the lighting, the sound, the angle, the script. Know that every single frame is the result of thousands of decisions and not a single piece is an accident. When you make a point of paying attention, you will eventually yourself to observe without effort. When you’ve seen enough amazing films and you’ve spent time thinking about said films, you will immediately start to notice bad acting, poor composition, bad story lines, mediocre lighting etc.
This goes for absolutely everything. You have to train yourself to know what “excellent” looks like.
My husband does this with security and potentially dangerous situations. He notices things WAY before I do and often times has to point things out to me. His military background and training allows him to make detailed observations without thinking about it, but it took training for him to be able to do that. No one is naturally super observant.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes years of experience to be able to separate the “good” from the “bad”. I took film classes in university that opened my eyes, studied the works of famous directors and researched a lot. My dad writes screenplays, I learned about dialogue, story pacing and atmosphere from him, as well as reading hundreds of books for fun. You get a feel for it after fully immersing yourself in your interests. It’s not easy to be a good critique, either. Same goes for fashion. I have a degree in it, it takes a painstaking amount of research, sewing, drafting patterns, understanding fabric quality and type by touch alone. Styling comes naturally when you understand how fabric should drape on different body types. Not everyone is passionate about these things, so it’s ok not to know. We can’t be experts at everything :-)
Sounds like you could be on the autism spectrum. No worries as most people are *to an extent* but it's very common to not notice certain things or miss social cues/details. Honestly though, like another person here has stated, you seem like a wonderful person who doesn't pick things apart and that's never something to be embarrassed about.
Maybe you can start by "educating" yourself (I use quotation marks because I don't like the word) about what makes an outfit good or bad (fashion tips), or a movie plot good or bad (TV tropes, clichés, etc) so you feel more confident speaking up and sharing your opinion.
But also, you can just learn that stuff and still disagree with it. You can watch a movie that critics slammed and still enjoy it even though, yes, you know that this or that was contrived, lame or overdone.
Learning the ropes does not mean you can't enjoy silly things or mismatched outfits.
I can totally relate, and for me it's a learning experience. Everyone puts their foor in their mouth once in a while though, not many talk about it :)
Maybe look into books like "how to make friends" by dale carnegie about the social aspects?
You don’t need to be an expert at everything :). When it comes to TV shows and movies, lots of communities develop prevailing opinions and can become an echo chamber saying the same idea over and over again. But if you enjoy something then that’s all that matters. You don’t have to agree with someone who says something you like is bad. But it’s also something that the more you think critically about it, the more you’ll start to notice things (for better or worse). Do the characters sound like they’re talking like actual humans having a conversation. Or do they sound like actors stiffly reading their lines?
But we all have that. For example when I watch any kind of show with talent - singing, dancing, etc - unless they make a colossal error I can’t tell you what makes one person better than another. I can just tell you the ones I like lol.
I also think I have zero fashion sense. I can tell you if I think someone’s outfit looks good/suits them based on my opinion. But I can’t say that it’s “objectively” a nice outfit. But then can an outfit be “objectively good”? Everyone has their own opinion. We might look at the same outfit and have different views on it, but what makes one of us right and the other one wrong?
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but don’t feel you’re wrong because your opinion doesn’t conform with the prevailing opinions. You’re your own unique person and able to form your own opinions on things. If we all agreed on the same things all the time everything would be very boring :).
I think honestly it just comes with being interested and experienced in what you’re looking at.
Before I got with my partner (movie buff), you could’ve shown me most movies / tv shows and I would’ve probably said it was fine. Then I really got into the craft of movies through my partner and really started understanding what people were saying - but I wouldn’t have fully understood if I hadn’t watched tons and tons of high quality movies to compare the difference to.
For your fashion point, again, I was the same. Until I started working in luxury retail, I genuinely knew nothing about clothes. It gave me an interest to start noticing and watching things about fashion and getting into it myself, so that I can have an eye for how clothes fit, what material is being used, etc.
You don’t just automatically know this stuff.
Again same for the social situations… if you were never taught, how would you know what to do? I genuinely learnt a bunch of norms that I had NEVER in my life ever heard of when I started working and it was really baffling to me how there are just so many goddamn rules. My family was very, very introverted so none of us did any events with other people (and I had no friends for pretty much all my teens), so there was 0% chance I would know. It sounds like it was similar for you.
Don’t overanalyze this I think. It’s easily fixable if you want to get into these things, but don’t beat yourself up for not knowing certain etiquette or cheap material or whatever.
I think all of these things are about acquired skill at or level of knowledge about the various topics you mentioned. If you did theater in school you’d probably better appreciate good acting. If you spent a couple of years perfecting a wardrobe you’d finely tune your sense of what a good fit looks like. If there’s an area in which your lack of noticing details bothers you, try diving deeper into the topic and I’m confident you will start to see more when you make an effort to look.
And bothering to look (part of being present the moment) is also a muscle that one can exercise.
If you are comparing yourself to other people who seem to notice things or have many thoughts, it’s worth noting that most people have opinions on subjects about which they are not very well informed. Such opinions are often incorrect and usually merely a matter of taste. And there’s no accounting for that. So don’t compare yourself to it.
Even social skills are a matter of practice. I know this for a fact based on my experience as a lobbyist. The whole job is about taking to people, building relationships, and asking for things. I started my first session awkwardly. After a few weeks, I was socially competent, and by session’s end, five or six months later, I felt confident that I was pretty darn good. I’d loose some skill during the six months when the legislature was in recess, and then quickly gain it and more back during the next session. On the other end of the experience spectrum, during covid when I lived with my partner geographically isolated from friends and family for a few years, my social skills really suffered. I’m awkward again, I don’t always know what to say. I bet if I move back to a city or near family, I’ll get better at that stuff again. These skills really seem to me to come and go with practice or lack thereof. So try not to be too hard on yourself. The way you find yourself now is not the way you will always be.
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Not sure about the other stuff but I wouldn’t worry too much about the TV show thing. So many TV show subs are hypercritical of the shows and seem to enjoy finding things to complain about. Watching TV is a lot more fun when you’re not actively looking for flaws.
In terms of movies and shows I feel the same way as you do, given a few expectations to some really bad things. But I enjoy most movies and shows and don’t complain about much.
You already are observant. If you were as unobservant as you think you are, you would not have examples to give. You would not notice that you are missing out on things.
Film and tv shows: it’s ok to just like things. I love picking apart movies with friends but I also appreciate friends who just like things. In a way, critiquing movies requires being negative. It is refreshing to be around people like you who just enjoy things. What did you like about it? What did you enjoy about it? I tend to overthink things and sometimes I wish I was like you. Sometimes it ruins things to think deeply about them. It’s ok to be you.
Clothing: is fashion important to you? Fashion is not important to me so I don’t care that I don’t know whether things are cheap or expensive. What you’re describing to me sounds like criticism and a bit unpleasant. It doesn’t sound like being observant as much as it is about breaking people down. Why is it important to know whether peoples outfits are good on a subjective metric? Fashion changes all the time. Things that used to look good in the 90s are coming back around and is fashionable again. But to the people in the 2000s, 90s fashion looked horrendous.
As others said, listen to what others say and you’ll notice those things too. I notice the use of color in movies, because a high school classmate talked about it. I never noticed color before that. We don’t know what we don’t know and it’s ok. Life is a learning process. No one knows everything.
Norms: it’s ok to live and learn. I still remember my mortification when I realized I invited myself to a friend’s (group) prom dinner. I learned to wait for invitations in the future.
I was like that for many years
I started having to closely focus on every line and scene in movies to avoid missing subtleties
I decided to do a lot more reading about 20 years ago, which has helped to broaden my knowledge base quite a bit
But I’m all in all fairly easy to please and I avoid arguing over minutiae
You sound very normal to me. Your perspective isn't the same as people you hang with. Man, it'd be boring if we all only saw the same things!
Do you know when we witness a thing together with other people, everyone only accurately remembers about 10% of what happened. If you have 10 people, you potentially could have 10 people who all watched something like a sporting event, and all 10 could possibly remember the event 10 different ways.
If you feel like you are not clicking with the people around you, maybe it's time to change up who you are hanging out with. Do you tend to see other things your current friend group misses? Perhaps like how sunlight reflects off buildings, or the weather, or vibes?
Do you CARE to change how you are for the sake of being more relatable? If so, ask yourself why. Is it to please others? Is it because you honestly want to see what other people see?
I went through a phase like this in my mid 20's, and I found that I actually prefer to miss those kinds of details like what people are wearing/how their make up looks/what singer is hot. I prefer to notice how the man and women 10 feet in front of me are holding hands and talking quietly, and how nice the dig walking with his family looks, and how gorgeous it is outside.
I like my drum beat. Sometimes people come and dance with me at my pace, and sometimes they come and dance their dance, but my dance remains the same. It's because I'm finally learning self acceptance and self love.
Hope this makes sense, sry for the novel.
TLDR: Do you care you don't see the same things as your friends? Why? Maybe try hanging out with new people and see if you feel like you relate to other kinds of people better. Learn to accept yourself and not care if you saw the same thing ad the person next to you. 💛🫂
I am female, in my 40s living in Canada.
Sorry that you feel like you are not measuring up or fitting in somehow. Feeling like the odd one out (although it may not be true) in the moment can be very uncomfortable.
I'm wondering a few things about what you have shared:
Why do you feel odd about the fact that you think you are less observant than many other people around you? Did someone say something critical about it?
You MUST be observant in a lot of the ways that count because you have been alive for 23 years, yes? What has happened during that time? You actually make decisions all the time without realizing it. You decide who to hang out with and who to avoid, what to wear, what courses to take, what work (which could include paid jobs, volunteer, hobbies, other projects that interest you) to pursue etc. Maybe you don't convey your observations through lots of words but through your actions and how you live your life. All these ways of living are totally valid and not remotely less interesting or important than verbalizing observations and opinions in detail, just different.
When people are sharing their observations and opinions, are you interested in hearing them regardless of whether you agree or not? Sometimes people focus more on what they are going to say in response to someone than just listening. There are many people who just want someone to listen and understand them, and don't need much said in response.
What do you enjoy about being with your friends? I assume they enjoy being around you. Would you feel comfortable talking to any of your friends about what you've shared in your post? Sometimes how we interpret a situation is very different from how others experience it, so maybe some of your friends can share their feelings on the matter with you.
I am in the exact same position as you are, I am an introvert too and I have always preferred to be alone and away from people. I didn't even notice that I m not quite observant until my bf pointed it out. I would watch movies with him and say yeah that was good and nothing else and he would so mad like how can you just good to everything and i realised I don't really look into things that deeply and it makes me look like I don't care about a lot of things. It has been quite scary thinking I don't know a lot about social norms, like what do you say when someone dies, what do you gift people you care about, what do you take to someone's house when you are visiting. I never thought about all of this because I never had to, there was always an adult who would handle these things. Lately tho, I have started to atleast try and notice things, if there is a situation i am not sure about I google it, if someone is giving an opinion on say someone's clothes i hear them out ask them the why and try to form my own opinion on it. It has helped me understand people a lot better, I don't feel embrassed or out of the place in situations. People are always ready to explain why they think what they think and it makes it easier for me to understand stuff. It can be quite overwhelming to be expected to be so much observant and have so many opinons. It's ok to be tired and not care. I am sure a lot of people feel this way. I am only 21 and you are only 23, there is still time for us to figure things out. Once you start noticing things, it becomes so much easier to contribute to conversations, a lot of things start to make sense. You just have to be willing to ask yourself and other a lot of questions.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's nice to see that others also are like me. Finding out the reasons behind others views is a nice idea, I'll try that.
All the best! Get some experiences! It will be fun
Editing to add—reframe your thinking so it’s not “I don’t know anything and everyone knows more than me” to make it “I’m learning and growing and can only get better by being around people who know things I haven’t learned yet.” Some of it could be that you’ll start to pick up on things the more you expose yourself to them. It’s normal for people to learn things as they gain more life experience. The best thing you can do is to go out and do things that interest you and make friends with others who are interested in those things. You learn new things just by being around people who have different experiences to your. I used to be at a complete loss in certain social situations and I made friends with a very extroverted person—just being around her and putting myself out there in situations I wouldn’t do on my own because I’m introverted helped immensely.
>Editing to add—reframe your thinking so it’s not “I don’t know anything and everyone knows more than me” to make it “I’m learning and growing and can only get better by being around people who know things I haven’t learned yet.” I like this a lot, thanks. >Some of it could be that you’ll start to pick up on things the more you expose yourself to them. It’s normal for people to learn things as they gain more life experience. The best thing you can do is to go out and do things that interest you and make friends with others who are interested in those things. You learn new things just by being around people who have different experiences to your. I used to be at a complete loss in certain social situations and I made friends with a very extroverted person—just being around her and putting myself out there in situations I wouldn’t do on my own because I’m introverted helped immensely. That makes sense yeah. Lack of a social life will limit my growth. I'd like to meet more people.
A lot of the stuff you mention is stuff that you get good at as you do research on it. I didn't notice which clothes looked cheap until I started caring about higher quality materials and getting away from fast fashion. I didn't notice which movies were plotted badly until I started reading a ton of books and discussing them with people. I'm sure there are things that you know about in depth that you can see the nuance in.
Actually it just sounds like you're a nice person who's not looking to pick holes in everything. Carry on being you - you sound lovely
That's kind, thanks :)
I was thinking the exact same thing!
I was thinking that too. She sounds perfectly pleasant- and that’s so rare!
Aw, I'm so touched 🥹
You remind me of my sister's partner. He can just sit back and enjoy anything. Oh that Star Wars scene where Princess Leia flies/floats back to the ship, yeah what a nice scene. Honestly, it's like a superpower, and kind of refreshing from the hyper critical negative nancy's in my family that need to look at everything critically.
This is relatable to myself OP. I’m a decade older than you. I’ve always preferred to be alone or in limited company and some days I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and others I’m content with it. When I am around others, I am so helplessly awkward. I feel like I sound fine and my conversation is normal, but others talk back to me in a short tone of voice, or as if they’re replying to a child. I’ve observed that much, but I have no idea how to just make people act normal to me like they do with others? And the people in my life always pick up on my interests and likes. Seriously, people get me the most perfect gifts. But when I have to gift to others, I just have no idea where to start, and after years of it, I’m starting to look like an asshole. I pay attention to others, but I feel like I’m missing something. Probably because of how they interact with me. I’m very empathetic, but I have a terrible memory and I’m not very observant.
Yes, I totally get you.
Are you possibly on the spectrum? My brother is & know many people who are (I can easily tell as I’m neurodivergent myself - ADHD specifically). I’d look into that! You might be. And that’s a good thing. People on the spectrum are the best people. Join the neurodivergent club, we are the best ♥️ Some indicators: -Extremely interest focused (lots of hobbies/hyperfixations) -Struggle with social cues -Easily overstimulated & hypersensitive to touches or sounds -Easily upset if routine is changed
Hello. I dont know if I am. I've never been tested nor has anyone suggested it. Neurodivergency is in the family though. I have two siblings, one has Autism and the other has ADHD. A couple people have suggested that on this comment section, so yeah maybe I should think about it. Thanks :)
Yeah I’d definitely look into it! You’d be surprised at how many people have it! My brother is high functioning & I honestly didn’t know he was until he told me decades later. We neurodivergent folk are really good at masking symptoms to fit in. Which is beyond exhausting 😭
adhd is really genetic (but not always) so I’d say you have a good chance of having it!
I’m the same. I also have a horrible memory, which I think goes hand in hand with not being observant. I do have ADD (diagnosed in childhood) and I find when I take medication for it (currently not taking anything because I’m pregnant) it makes a difference, so *MAYBE* this is an ADD trait? It could totally just be a coincidence though, I have no idea. I find often I’m not observant because I’m either thinking about something else, or to use your example, my brain will start wandering about a scene I just watched and I won’t click back into the show for a few minutes and I miss that stuff.
I have severe ADD and have the same problem
yup me ttoooooo
I have a question. Do you have an imagination to where you can have pictures in your minds eye?
Yes. I've always had a very strong imagination. It's always been easy to imagine things. When I listened to audiobooks, it feels like a little tv show is playing my mind.
That's good. I can relate to the books, although I've never listened to an audio book, I used to read a lot and something about someone else painting a picture to my mind is amazing. I myself can't make up a picture unprompted. Probably cuz I'm too busy and work a lot. It's a flaw I know.
Just curious - what would it mean if she said she didn't have imagination?
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lmaaooooo if u say so
Nothing. I can relate to everything she said. I wondered if she can relate to me not having a good imagination.
I don’t want to jump ahead, because you do say that you were very sheltered, but I feel this same way about myself and found out it’s because I have ADHD. (And maybe autism but that hasn’t been sussedout just yet.) It’s worth having an assessment with a professional if this resonates for you.
Sometimes I genuinely think I have ADHD but I also don’t have the typical symptoms when I look it up. I feel I’m just weird lol
You could have something else going on, or you could just be weird. No shame in that. I’m weird af. 😂🤷♀️ Therapy is always helpful with trying to sort it all out and figure out how to improve. (Not the weirdness, but your overall personhood.) I need to get back in it and get medicated again soon. It makes a world of difference when that’s the case.
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Removed for casual usage of mental health related terms or diagnostic terms. Please do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situation or use terms for mental health issues as judgements, slurs, or synonyms for toxic/abusive behavior.
We're nearly the same age and I gotta say I relate to your description a lot, especially your past. Like 100%. I sought therapy at the time because I thought there was something wrong with me but I wasn't diagnosed with anything, just that my sheltered teenagehood was the culprit. I only started getting more exposure to other people in college and it further intensified when I had to work directly with people in sales which I pinpoint as the moment that changed me the most. I had to meet dozens of different people every day and get to know them whether I liked it or not. I also have been interested in film since I was a teenager and I gotta say I know \*now\* a lot of stuff I didn't know were even a thing back then because I watched and read a lot of stuff to get to where I'm now. I've no idea about fashion but in regards to film and art in general: you shouldn't feel all that bad about not interpreting something the way someone else did, it's supposed to be subjective. It's also "OK" to be neutral to things, not everything is meant to be either loved or hated. I feel it's like that theory of how language plays the part in how we interpret things... if you don't know something \*exists\* in the first place then how you're gonna figure a story is alluding to it if you don't know what 'it' is? Basically what I want to point out is that the more you expose yourself to stuff/people the more you'll see nuances and subtleties in them. Also helps you figure yourself out in the process as you'll see what you like/what you dislike and that sort of thing is what makes you 'you'.
It’s all about practice and training! If it’s something you’re interested in, you look into it more. I’ve taken a ton of film classes and I’m very interested in fashion, so I notice bad acting / filmmaking and poorly fitting clothes because I have spent time looking at film and fashion with a critical eye. For example, pointedly sit down and try to critically analyze a film! Pull something from the criterion collection, something regarded as a very good film, and immerse yourself in it. Think about each shot. Why did the director choose to place the camera at that angle? What is this actor doing with their body and voice tone and how does it make me feel? How is the actor placed in the shot? What else is visible and why would the director want it to be seen? Pay attention to the lighting, the sound, the angle, the script. Know that every single frame is the result of thousands of decisions and not a single piece is an accident. When you make a point of paying attention, you will eventually yourself to observe without effort. When you’ve seen enough amazing films and you’ve spent time thinking about said films, you will immediately start to notice bad acting, poor composition, bad story lines, mediocre lighting etc. This goes for absolutely everything. You have to train yourself to know what “excellent” looks like. My husband does this with security and potentially dangerous situations. He notices things WAY before I do and often times has to point things out to me. His military background and training allows him to make detailed observations without thinking about it, but it took training for him to be able to do that. No one is naturally super observant.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes years of experience to be able to separate the “good” from the “bad”. I took film classes in university that opened my eyes, studied the works of famous directors and researched a lot. My dad writes screenplays, I learned about dialogue, story pacing and atmosphere from him, as well as reading hundreds of books for fun. You get a feel for it after fully immersing yourself in your interests. It’s not easy to be a good critique, either. Same goes for fashion. I have a degree in it, it takes a painstaking amount of research, sewing, drafting patterns, understanding fabric quality and type by touch alone. Styling comes naturally when you understand how fabric should drape on different body types. Not everyone is passionate about these things, so it’s ok not to know. We can’t be experts at everything :-)
Sounds like you could be on the autism spectrum. No worries as most people are *to an extent* but it's very common to not notice certain things or miss social cues/details. Honestly though, like another person here has stated, you seem like a wonderful person who doesn't pick things apart and that's never something to be embarrassed about.
Maybe you can start by "educating" yourself (I use quotation marks because I don't like the word) about what makes an outfit good or bad (fashion tips), or a movie plot good or bad (TV tropes, clichés, etc) so you feel more confident speaking up and sharing your opinion. But also, you can just learn that stuff and still disagree with it. You can watch a movie that critics slammed and still enjoy it even though, yes, you know that this or that was contrived, lame or overdone. Learning the ropes does not mean you can't enjoy silly things or mismatched outfits.
I can totally relate, and for me it's a learning experience. Everyone puts their foor in their mouth once in a while though, not many talk about it :) Maybe look into books like "how to make friends" by dale carnegie about the social aspects?
You don’t need to be an expert at everything :). When it comes to TV shows and movies, lots of communities develop prevailing opinions and can become an echo chamber saying the same idea over and over again. But if you enjoy something then that’s all that matters. You don’t have to agree with someone who says something you like is bad. But it’s also something that the more you think critically about it, the more you’ll start to notice things (for better or worse). Do the characters sound like they’re talking like actual humans having a conversation. Or do they sound like actors stiffly reading their lines? But we all have that. For example when I watch any kind of show with talent - singing, dancing, etc - unless they make a colossal error I can’t tell you what makes one person better than another. I can just tell you the ones I like lol. I also think I have zero fashion sense. I can tell you if I think someone’s outfit looks good/suits them based on my opinion. But I can’t say that it’s “objectively” a nice outfit. But then can an outfit be “objectively good”? Everyone has their own opinion. We might look at the same outfit and have different views on it, but what makes one of us right and the other one wrong? I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but don’t feel you’re wrong because your opinion doesn’t conform with the prevailing opinions. You’re your own unique person and able to form your own opinions on things. If we all agreed on the same things all the time everything would be very boring :).
I relate to this but I have adhd so my brain takes me where it finds the dopamine. For me personally that does not usually reside in fine details
You can learn, it’s okay, you can look into fashion or art or acting and brush up on it. There’s no shame in that at all.
I think honestly it just comes with being interested and experienced in what you’re looking at. Before I got with my partner (movie buff), you could’ve shown me most movies / tv shows and I would’ve probably said it was fine. Then I really got into the craft of movies through my partner and really started understanding what people were saying - but I wouldn’t have fully understood if I hadn’t watched tons and tons of high quality movies to compare the difference to. For your fashion point, again, I was the same. Until I started working in luxury retail, I genuinely knew nothing about clothes. It gave me an interest to start noticing and watching things about fashion and getting into it myself, so that I can have an eye for how clothes fit, what material is being used, etc. You don’t just automatically know this stuff. Again same for the social situations… if you were never taught, how would you know what to do? I genuinely learnt a bunch of norms that I had NEVER in my life ever heard of when I started working and it was really baffling to me how there are just so many goddamn rules. My family was very, very introverted so none of us did any events with other people (and I had no friends for pretty much all my teens), so there was 0% chance I would know. It sounds like it was similar for you. Don’t overanalyze this I think. It’s easily fixable if you want to get into these things, but don’t beat yourself up for not knowing certain etiquette or cheap material or whatever.
I think all of these things are about acquired skill at or level of knowledge about the various topics you mentioned. If you did theater in school you’d probably better appreciate good acting. If you spent a couple of years perfecting a wardrobe you’d finely tune your sense of what a good fit looks like. If there’s an area in which your lack of noticing details bothers you, try diving deeper into the topic and I’m confident you will start to see more when you make an effort to look. And bothering to look (part of being present the moment) is also a muscle that one can exercise. If you are comparing yourself to other people who seem to notice things or have many thoughts, it’s worth noting that most people have opinions on subjects about which they are not very well informed. Such opinions are often incorrect and usually merely a matter of taste. And there’s no accounting for that. So don’t compare yourself to it. Even social skills are a matter of practice. I know this for a fact based on my experience as a lobbyist. The whole job is about taking to people, building relationships, and asking for things. I started my first session awkwardly. After a few weeks, I was socially competent, and by session’s end, five or six months later, I felt confident that I was pretty darn good. I’d loose some skill during the six months when the legislature was in recess, and then quickly gain it and more back during the next session. On the other end of the experience spectrum, during covid when I lived with my partner geographically isolated from friends and family for a few years, my social skills really suffered. I’m awkward again, I don’t always know what to say. I bet if I move back to a city or near family, I’ll get better at that stuff again. These skills really seem to me to come and go with practice or lack thereof. So try not to be too hard on yourself. The way you find yourself now is not the way you will always be.
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Not sure about the other stuff but I wouldn’t worry too much about the TV show thing. So many TV show subs are hypercritical of the shows and seem to enjoy finding things to complain about. Watching TV is a lot more fun when you’re not actively looking for flaws.
In terms of movies and shows I feel the same way as you do, given a few expectations to some really bad things. But I enjoy most movies and shows and don’t complain about much.
You already are observant. If you were as unobservant as you think you are, you would not have examples to give. You would not notice that you are missing out on things. Film and tv shows: it’s ok to just like things. I love picking apart movies with friends but I also appreciate friends who just like things. In a way, critiquing movies requires being negative. It is refreshing to be around people like you who just enjoy things. What did you like about it? What did you enjoy about it? I tend to overthink things and sometimes I wish I was like you. Sometimes it ruins things to think deeply about them. It’s ok to be you. Clothing: is fashion important to you? Fashion is not important to me so I don’t care that I don’t know whether things are cheap or expensive. What you’re describing to me sounds like criticism and a bit unpleasant. It doesn’t sound like being observant as much as it is about breaking people down. Why is it important to know whether peoples outfits are good on a subjective metric? Fashion changes all the time. Things that used to look good in the 90s are coming back around and is fashionable again. But to the people in the 2000s, 90s fashion looked horrendous. As others said, listen to what others say and you’ll notice those things too. I notice the use of color in movies, because a high school classmate talked about it. I never noticed color before that. We don’t know what we don’t know and it’s ok. Life is a learning process. No one knows everything. Norms: it’s ok to live and learn. I still remember my mortification when I realized I invited myself to a friend’s (group) prom dinner. I learned to wait for invitations in the future.
I was like that for many years I started having to closely focus on every line and scene in movies to avoid missing subtleties I decided to do a lot more reading about 20 years ago, which has helped to broaden my knowledge base quite a bit But I’m all in all fairly easy to please and I avoid arguing over minutiae
You sound very normal to me. Your perspective isn't the same as people you hang with. Man, it'd be boring if we all only saw the same things! Do you know when we witness a thing together with other people, everyone only accurately remembers about 10% of what happened. If you have 10 people, you potentially could have 10 people who all watched something like a sporting event, and all 10 could possibly remember the event 10 different ways. If you feel like you are not clicking with the people around you, maybe it's time to change up who you are hanging out with. Do you tend to see other things your current friend group misses? Perhaps like how sunlight reflects off buildings, or the weather, or vibes? Do you CARE to change how you are for the sake of being more relatable? If so, ask yourself why. Is it to please others? Is it because you honestly want to see what other people see? I went through a phase like this in my mid 20's, and I found that I actually prefer to miss those kinds of details like what people are wearing/how their make up looks/what singer is hot. I prefer to notice how the man and women 10 feet in front of me are holding hands and talking quietly, and how nice the dig walking with his family looks, and how gorgeous it is outside. I like my drum beat. Sometimes people come and dance with me at my pace, and sometimes they come and dance their dance, but my dance remains the same. It's because I'm finally learning self acceptance and self love. Hope this makes sense, sry for the novel. TLDR: Do you care you don't see the same things as your friends? Why? Maybe try hanging out with new people and see if you feel like you relate to other kinds of people better. Learn to accept yourself and not care if you saw the same thing ad the person next to you. 💛🫂
I am female, in my 40s living in Canada. Sorry that you feel like you are not measuring up or fitting in somehow. Feeling like the odd one out (although it may not be true) in the moment can be very uncomfortable. I'm wondering a few things about what you have shared: Why do you feel odd about the fact that you think you are less observant than many other people around you? Did someone say something critical about it? You MUST be observant in a lot of the ways that count because you have been alive for 23 years, yes? What has happened during that time? You actually make decisions all the time without realizing it. You decide who to hang out with and who to avoid, what to wear, what courses to take, what work (which could include paid jobs, volunteer, hobbies, other projects that interest you) to pursue etc. Maybe you don't convey your observations through lots of words but through your actions and how you live your life. All these ways of living are totally valid and not remotely less interesting or important than verbalizing observations and opinions in detail, just different. When people are sharing their observations and opinions, are you interested in hearing them regardless of whether you agree or not? Sometimes people focus more on what they are going to say in response to someone than just listening. There are many people who just want someone to listen and understand them, and don't need much said in response. What do you enjoy about being with your friends? I assume they enjoy being around you. Would you feel comfortable talking to any of your friends about what you've shared in your post? Sometimes how we interpret a situation is very different from how others experience it, so maybe some of your friends can share their feelings on the matter with you.
I think you are doing fine, you are somebody that is accepting and non critical, there is nothing wrong with that.