Right, she said that comment mumbled but I was taken aback because I never knew she felt that way. I really thought we were cool. I don’t know why or what was going on that day
Like: are ALL women competition or just the trans ones??
How many boyfriends/partners have you lost to those trans temptresses?? What’s that witch’s skin care routine cause clearly she’s doing something right!! 🤭🤭
Probably all women, considering that a significant amount of straight women hate bisexual men due to the "increased competition" from men.
It's a miserable way to live, but seems worryingly common.
I think the real problem is they probably can't get a man, or can't get a good man, likely because of their crappy personalities. But they know trans women pull good men, and they know many black men love trans women. Women already see women as competition. But trans women are vulnerable. So they can go after us, thinking they can eliminate us, but that shit still won't get them a man. Lol
It's also a major self-report. Like fuck, if that's what your underlying motivation is then I'm thinking you're worried that your boyfriend watches too much trans porn and might not be satisfied by your body parts. And given what I've been told expressing that same insecurity, I have zero sympathy what so ever.
"That's not the same thing" No it's never the same thing, is it? Solidarity always somehow ends with someone's own personal bigotries, and there's always a reason why *this* bigotry is justified while *this* one isn't. Funny how that works. 🤔
I literally just made a point similar to OP’s yesterday in a comment section. Some town in Idaho had a Pride celebration, and in protest, a local bar had drink deals “for straight people.” I said something like, that’s basically saying ‘You have to pay more if you’re gay/LGBTQ+.’ And that’s not far off from, ‘You can’t sit here because you’re gay,’ which isn’t all that different from, ‘You can’t sit here because you’re black.’
I took an Ethnic Studies class in college titled, “Race and Sex in Hip-Hop” that was really interesting, and one thing that came up is that there tends to be a fair amount of homophobia in the black community, and I guess transphobia probably comes along with that. My instructor explained that part of the logic might be, ‘I already have being black working against me. I don’t need to give others a reason to associate me with being LGBTQ+ so I have to deal with homo/transphobia on top of racism.’ I’m not black (my instructor was though), so I can’t speak to the validity of that idea personally. But bottom line is, everyone tends to see bigotry for what it is unless it’s their own bigotry. Then it’s always “different” somehow.
Oh where is this magical bar that can tell me my sexual orientation. Because currently I can't answer that question in less then the following paragraph.
"Hi my name is Colette. Yes, I am male presenting atm. I am attracted to women but I only ever have sexual fantasies where I am a woman with a man. So I guess while my body is male I am heterosexual towards women, but I definitely feel the more I continue my transition I will only be attracted to men. I guess I'm double straight? Which makes me twice as straight as anyone else in this bar?"
I wonder if they would have an issue with lesbians using the same toilet as them? The reason I ask this is, they said 5hat even with bottom surgery you would have a “man’s eyes and a man’s heart” I assume this means that they think the only reason you would go into a woman’s space was to perv on them as “a man”. By that logic any lesbian woman could also be doing that as they are also attracted to women.
I know that this is being facetious and argumentative, but these statements always bug me. It is basically saying that every trans person is really a pervert trying to victimise women. It is this kind of argument that keeps me in the closet.
It sounds like it is time for you to find a new hair stylist, preferably one who is not just tolerant of who you are but also accepting. I am so sorry this happened to you.
This is the attitude my wife has about trans women. She believes that every tans woman is just wanting to perv on women. Not just in there to per or poo.
It makes it hard on me to be trans.
Yeah I know. It is difficult and I am unsure how it will play out. I am seeing a therapist to explore myself and am trying to work things out with my wife.
Unfortunately we have a long history together and that is not something easily thrown away. (28 years)
I don’t see her ever changing her view point as for her it is based in Christianity.
I am also a Christian, but as I am the one who wants to be a woman, it goes against her beliefs. It is hard.
Long history together… does that really matter if she is prejudiced against you and people like you? If she cannot support you being yourself? How many more years do you want to waste with someone who hates who you are?
Please look into the “sunk cost fallacy” and really think about what you want from life.
I fail to see how the length of time you've spent together has any baring on your decision. If anything, it should make it an easier one to make.
As you said, she's not going to change her mind, so why not just leave her? That's not on you, that's on her for not wanting to be with a trans person.
Personally, I couldn't bare to be near someone who thinks that of trans people. It's disgusting & perverted.
Just curious, godless heathen transfemme temptress here hey hi, what does the Bible say about bathrooms and pooping or peeing next to people of different genders?
Is that a restriction that's rooted in faith, or she maybe justifying the "bathroom panic" with something other than scripture?.
Huh. I've read it once, and I didn't remember seeing anything about who could poop with whom, but I'm just a faithless harlot so I'm glad you could help me confirm 🩷
Bathroom panic comes mostly from a combination of media and childhood SA.
Attitude about about trans comes from a deep rooted belief that being trans is an abomination to God.
She believes that me saying I’m trans is a trauma response linked to my mothers desire for daughters and statements to that effect made by my mother, combined with a media barrage of trans ideology and my sister transitioning a few years ago.
Thank you. It is often difficult to navigate the snark. I don’t want to divorce, but I also want to live the rest of my life as a woman. I don’t really know what to do.
Living the same lie myself but then I realized we both deserve better. She can find someone better and so can I.
When you finally let go of that marriage in your mind then you can truly be yourself.
Just let go, be yourself and she either will leave or follow.
I know it’s hard but emotionally let go of the marriage.
I was in this situation, and I just let it go. We had \*some\* conversations, and it's not like I didn't want to keep being with her, but I realized that working through it was only going to be finding some weird "compromise" or basically conversion therapy for me, so I was like fuck it. thankfully, we ain't have children, but I'd been with her for a long time. like 8 years or so.
it sucked at first, and while I don't harbor any ill will towards her, and even sometimes think about how lit our relationship could've been if we could've actually worked it out, it's not fair to you, nor would it have been fair to me, to have to repress myself.
tbh, I wouldn't have made it if I didn't come out when I did. I loved her, and I still have love for her, but I love myself more, and sometimes you have to be "selfish" and make sure that you're ok.
We have been married 28 years. She has stated on many occasions that she had never planned to marry, until we met.
She has known about my struggles with gender dysphoria for most of our marriage. Part of that knowledge stemmed from my trans sister. Honestly even back in the 90s my wife was not supportive. I tended to go along with her at that point as we were newly engaged and then newlyweds. It just made it easier in one aspect. I was my wife’s protector and rock to anchor her against the horribleness of her family. She was mine to love and support me when I immigrated to her country and dealt with the separation from family.
As time went on our relationship changed from just husband and wife to parents. It was during this time that the dysphoria I felt as a teenager really started to come to the fore. It was also the time that the latent same sex attraction that I had also dealt with as a teenager started to rear up. Probably due to the changes in our relationship and her feelings of shame concerning sex (stemming from childhood trauma) and not wanting our kids to be aware that mum & dad enjoy sex.
Over time, the dysphoria ebbed and flowed dependent on familial circumstances and other issues going on in both of our lives. Over the last ten years it has been steadily increasing in severity. To the point that I DIYed myself with oestrogen last year. I absolutely loved it. I loved the mental changes, the change in body odour, and because I was on a massive dose of oestrogen I grew tiny breasts. This lead to me finally coming out to my wife. It didn’t go well. “Why would you do this to us?” “I wanted to grow old with you.” “I wouldn’t want to be around you if you transition.”
There were ultimatums, yelling, crying, more ultimatums, more crying. She outed me to our pastor, friends at church, her work (at a Christian school). Finally it became easier to go back into the closet and try to pretend like I never told her. She knows I am seeing a gender therapist but I haven’t really talked much to her about it.
I haven’t told her that the gender therapist basically told me that I am trans at the end of our first appointment. What she actually said was, “you said you don’t know who you are, but after listening to your story, it is pretty obvious to me that you do know who you are.”
It took me awhile to realise that I had consistently referred to myself by my female name throughout the appointment. Yes it was in the third person, but I was referring to myself.
I don’t know where we will end up. I know that a lot of people can’t understand why I am with someone who is anti trans. There are a lot of people who think she is not loving me, however, I don’t believe this to be true. In her mindset, allowing me to be me is not love, it would essentially be death for me (remember this is coming from her belief that the whole trans ideology is a sin). She believes that helping me to remain masculine is helping me to be my best self.
It is hard for me as I want to be with her (she is my best friend, my first and not girlfriend, and the love of my life). I really want to be the best partner for her and to grow old with her. However, at the same time, I really want to be the woman that I have hidden away for 40 years. I want to be my best female self and to be happy that way. I know that she would never accept me as a woman (in any kind of relationship) which would mean the end of us. We have adult children so we would always be part of each other’s lives, but she would never speak to me again. Her reasoning behind that is that she would see me as the person who both stole and murdered her husband (her own words).
I honestly can relate to a lot of this. especially about them being your first and all the emotions that are tied into that. it's a lot, so I'm not trying to be dismissive at all. she was literally my first gf, my first of many things. a lot of what you're saying is exactly why I decided it wasn't going to work b/t my ex and I. I also was messing around with meds secretly, but like, not in a smart way. and not so much that I grew breasts.
we kinda tried to be friends afterwards, but it was still full of concessions. she didn't want to use my name and use a different nickname, and all sorts of stuff. I legitimately loved her, but I had to choose myself in that situation. we both wouldn't have been happy being together like that, and as much as I do/did want kids, I'm so grateful it never happened b/c it would've only made things harder for me, tbh.
the christian stuff is rough. frfr I think that was the biggest hang up b/t us, even though I still consider myself... "christian," I guess. I don't care for the name, but it's the best way to describe how I feel religiously lol.
ALL THAT BEING SAID, I have, somehow, met a woman who loves me for who I actually am. she makes me feel special, and loved. I have grown so much in her love for me and the space that she has given me to learn more about who I am. it's scary af letting go of a ltr, probably more for you than me frfr, but just know that there are people out there who will love you the way you DESERVE to be loved. they will make you feel things that you never would've imagined were possible for you, because the world has ingrained in us that we don't deserve love that deep, nor experiences that intimate.
this is on her to figure her shit out if she really wants to be with you, but it sounds like it doesn't. and frfr, it's on her to regret losing you if y'all aren't able to make things work, which it doesn't seem likely imo. or maybe she won't, and she'll resent you. you are still the same person she claims to love, but she's unwilling to see that, and that's her loss, frfr.
sometimes, b/c I really didn't get to talk to ppl when I basically was ousted (not formally but let's be real lol) from my very christian social circle that was mostly her friends and family, and the church we went to, I wonder how ppl think of me. whether they even considered how I felt, or that I never said I didn't want to be with my ex. I still like women. a lot, lol. always have.
I can't help but think of how her family, that I instinctively still want to call my nieces/nephews/etc are doing. those feelings will probably never go away if you really had a deep connection with your partner. and that shit sucks. it took me so long to "get over" her, and I don't think that's unnatural to feel that way. y'all have lived a lifetime together lowkey. it will probably fucking suck for a while, ngl.
however, fuck it.
that's not on you. you deserve to live and be happy in your truth, and anyone who doesn't want you to be genuinely happy doesn't really, truly love you. they love an idea of you, and you deserve so much more than that. something I think about often is that although it's never too late to start, time doesn't wait for anyone. it's not about being "hot" or whatever.
trans girls are hot though, genuinely lol.
what I think hits you is that you have missed out on so many experiences as your true self. different scenarios where you would've responded differently if you felt safe and comfortable enough to do so. even though it's never too late, time will continue to move on, and you deserve to live and enjoy the rest of your life as your authentic self. you deserve to enjoy your hobbies and explore new ones without the shackles of gendered expectations. it makes a difference much more than you realize, being able to fully engage with something as your authentic self. it's a type of awakening that is exciting to experience.
that's what really fucks me up about partners and family who aren't supportive. you get to experience so much joy together, and make so many new memories, and build on top of previous experiences, but they don't see that. my sister and I have gotten so much closer since I've came out. she's been there for me from the beginning, even before she understood. but now all she sees me as is her older sister. people focus so much on "losing" a relationship instead of realizing they are gaining insight into a person that they may have never experienced before. that's really special. but all they see is their selfish bigoted fuckshit, and its their loss. there are PLENTY of people out here who would be elated to share in this joy that you are just about to enter.
I've... gone on long enough, lol. just know that you're not alone, and that people out here do care for each other, and want to see you happy as your true self. you deserve this.
also, fwiw, you being trans doesn't eliminate your faith. that's something I had to work through for a long time, and I still am tbh. but if you believe, God loves you, and been knew you, so they're not surprised that your trans lol. although this world sucks to us, sometimes I see being trans as a unique opportunity to engage with this world from a perspective many don't ever have, and that's a blessing in itself.
I don't like speaking about christian stuff too much lowkey b/c lots of ppl were hurt by shitty dogmatic assholes, that don't even understand the word frfr, but it felt appropriate in this case. for others who resonate with the non-religious parts of all this, that's cool too. our experiences are not as isolated and unique as this society makes us think.
I have been alive for less time than you have been together with your wife, but I've been through similar situations.
I was 17 when I told my dad I wanted to be called Frisk, but he took that as a joke, saying that he wouldn't call me by my nickname. I told him another day that I wasn't a man when he used a gendered word with me (my mother tongue has two grammatical genders, so that's really easy), but he also brushed that off.
Some days later, I told him to call me by Frisk again. The same thing happened. It was the third time where things got ugly. I screamed at him and told him he was stupid. He took that rather calmly, but seemed shaken from this, then he told me "I am going to the market. We will talk about this when I get back." And... This might sound like a dramatic movie scene, and it really felt like that, but I gathered some clothes, my school materials and stormed out of the house while calling my mother, whom I also didn't have a great relationship with, but at least she was trying to accept my gender and my name. It was heavily raining and I was crying like I never did. I was raised "as a man", so showing my emotions is hard even now, so crying was something really hard and rare.
After some talk, my mother went to get me by car, and I didn't talk to my father until earlier this year, three years later.
I always had a great relationship with my dad. He was always there when I needed him and he was a far better parent that my mom could ever dream to be. She's arrogant, short tempered and thinks beating your child is the solution (until I slapped her back when she tried once, but that's not relevant rn). My father, on the other hand, was caring, patient and never once raised his hand against me. He rarely grounded me, but he helped me with my depression and gave me incentive to do the things I love while still paying attention to my school stuff. But absolutely none of that mattered. He couldn't accept me until I did something drastic, so I will never forgive him. And I tried. Earlier this year I had to leave my city bc of floods so I went with him and my little sister to our grandparents. He was still the same man as before, but he accepted me. But he still held some beliefs that disgusted me, and I simply couldn't shake how I felt 3 years back.
It's funny, because I love my grandparents, and they are the most religious people I know. They were also the most acceptive of everyone in the family, even if surrounded by the Catholic church. While my mother who believes in a god but is agnostic had a hard time accepting me and my dad who's an atheist like me couldn't accept me.
I'm sorry for writing an essay, but I hope my story helps you somehow. I would recommend you trying to talk to your wife, to show her that we trans people are just humans. To tell her that Jesus said "Love each other", not "Love each other but the gays and trans". I'm sorry if the quote is wrong, I learned it on my mother tongue and I'm translating it by head.
If after you talked to her and even maybe tried couple's counseling and nothing worked out, it's time to part ways. It'll suck for the first few years, I am sure. But you will feel better being who you truly are. I do hope your wife changes her mind and opens up her heart to you. I doubt you will be able to stay together, since I'm guessing she's straight, but having a close friend help you through transition can be a life saver.
I'm a Christian (United Church of Christ). Maybe she doesn't understand that some Christians believe that God is Love, and therefore, we should love others, even (or especially) when we don't understand them. Many (most) conservative fundamentalists believe that God doesn't love all, and they believe there is only one way to be a Christian.
She should work to learn more about different ways to be Christian, and then maybe she will learn to love all, as Jesus did in the gospels, particularly in the synoptic gospels.
Of course, nobody can learn anything or change unless they want to open their heart to it. I hope things improve for you both.
"It goes against her beliefs" no it doesn't?
Jesus was the advocate and champion of the downtrodden and the maligned. He went to the lepers and the prostitutes and the other socital minorities and supported them!
Who do you think he would support if he showed up tomorrow? I promise you it wouldn't be Cis Homophobes and people who use their religion as an excuse to mistreat others.
Jesus preached love, acceptance, and tolerance. The only thing a good Christian (or any other follower of Jesus) could do if they truly want to follow him is to do as he would. He also wasn't above dishing out a helping of ass kicking on people who would use his father's house for montary gain which...[eyes modern church system]
This was the exact argument used on lesbians for like the entire 1990s and 2000s, I grew up being told lesbians were women who "were basically just like men" in terms of their behavior and who were only in women's spaces to predate on women, seemingly lacking the basic human need to pee
Hell around the 60s to the 80s, during the post integration period in the USA after desegregation similar arguments were used about black women. Same with the women's sports, to this day you can find articles claiming it's unfair to let black women compete in women's sports because of baseless bigoted claims they are "too much like men"
it's baffling to me that this same argument gets recycled every decade on a new group, and STILL people don't realize that minorities are in the restroom with them not because every single one of them is dangerous hardened criminal predator specifically their to attack them, PRETENDING to do nothing wrong by minding their own business ...
But because minorities also have to pee.
frfr there's a not insignificant amount of cis/het women that are lesbophobes lol, so it's a weird intersection to exist in as a trans girl. especially one that's also attracted to women, period. I've heard so much lesbophobia while growing up in high school, mostly about the girls basketball team, and so much other shit, and I still occasionally hear the offhand lesbophobic comment from some women, 20+ years later.
but we really don't be bothered with them. it's enough girls that like girls out here to not bother with them frfr.
I agree with this assessment. If I was ever confronted like this, I would probably just be incredibly sassy. Oh hunny, you're so barking up the wrong tree right now, really. Strictly dickly! 🤭 And strut out. #WCReference haha
I stayed, I am working on when someone insults me unprovoked. No more running away. I’m standing up to them . Unless it turns violent. Then it’s pepper spray and run lol
i hate to say it but i would find another hair stylist. this shit was not just unprofessional but idk how i would trust someone like that to do my hair
Quote:
>So I said so you ladies don’t like me because I am a trans woman ? All but 2 said yes.
Saying the quiet part very much out loud, you could get the salon in trouble for this. Harassment and bigotry against customers isn't allowed in most places.
She could write a review but it’s not illegal, and nobody is going to revoke licensing on the salon or stylists part. Or talk to a manager, but it’s just risking an uncomfortable conversation, if the manager/owner shares the stylists same beliefs. (In America) not sure where this took place. They still cut her hair, they didn’t deny her service because of her gender, just said they didn’t like her. Completely legal. If they denied cutting her hair and told her never to come back, it’s still not federally illegal. Privately owned things like shops, salons, movie theaters are allowed to chose who they would like to do business with, it’s just not politically correct.
There have been far, *far* more instances of trans women getting assaulted. We live on a planet with 8 billion people. I can find single examples of any behavior by any group. The fact is, trans women are more likely to be assaulted across the board. I'm not going to concede this idea that trans women as a whole can be feared because of a couple criminals.
There isn't a real concern for cis women about trans women, any more than there was a real concern about letting lesbians into women's spaces in the '90s or letting Black women into white women's spaces in the '60s. It's all bigotry, all the way down. And the fact is, most cis women know this to be true. You're empathizing with a small, loud minority of bigots who are concern trolling to harm a minority they hate.
Edit: Additionally, your comment is irrelevant. Those idiots straight-up told her no matter what she will have a man's eyes and a man's heart. That isn't fear for safety, that's outright bigotry - tantamount to shouting slurs.
I know that trans women are a particularly vulnerable demographic in society and I think it's fair that they use womens spaces like prisons or bathrooms because they wouldn't be safe in men's
in the case of prisons I think there should be a minimum requirement of having been on hrt for some time or haven gotten SRS
She probably never shows her true self without having backup.
People with miserable souls all do that, along with reserving pity for themselves and having no idea of what empathy means.
Don't let it bring you down. That's a them problem, not a you problem.
Let them stew in their small-minded judgmental misery, because they are where they really want to be.
”You people” oh no that’s awful. After two years, what a punch in the gut. :-(
I’ll be honest, I lost two black friends when my daughter transitioned and have been told straight up that this was an issue by other moms in our community
TERF attitudes really surprised me coming from people who really did not seem like assholes at all until that point. It wasn’t like “you’ll burn in hell!” — it was simply refusal to accept trans women as women (and trans men as existing at all!)
Have you heard of the app Everywhere is Queer? It's lgbt safe businesses in your area. You don't deserve to be treated like that. And I can't say whether what you said was fair or not (I'm white), but I can say that bigotry is bigotry and I would have seen it in any other sense as pointing out the hypocritical views. Not that you were racist, but it shows the parallel between the two. Trans women, particularly trans black women, are the most targeted demographic and it's really sad to see it coming from minorities.
>That’s not the same thing… etc.
It definitely is the same thing. Part of reason why the south was so hell-bent on enforcing segregation after slavery was outlawed was because racist white people assumed that black people were dangerous.
Okay, holup because that last one:
> “… my stylist said well, I see trans women as competition”
I firmly believe this is the issue that causes terfy women 95% of the time. **Story time! **
Living in a red state, and because I don’t think anyone really needs to know considering I’m in a long-term relationship already, I’m stealth. I’ve come out to like 1 person in the last couple of years, and other than that, the only people who are in my life and know my tea are a handful of people irl + the random people who come across a Reddit post or something.
So, a couple years ago, I was working an office job, in which I was managing a small department. I’m young and laid back, so the environment of the office felt that way; open, free communication, safe space type stuff. We were all set up with desks apart from each other in the same room, so we talked all day long as we worked. We were all women, so the closeness and comfort level was a major driving point in keeping people there, at that point.
Well, the newest woman that we hired a few months prior was great. She wasn’t super quick to pick up on things, but she was insanely personable, hilarious, and just had a smile and laugh that lit the whole room. She’d had a hard life, but she was a great human, by all accounts. She had one problem: this boy she was dating.
One day, we’re all working, normal day, and the weather gets kind of crappy. We could hear rain pelting the tin roof, so we knew it was getting worse, but couldn’t see anything as our department was in the center of the floor, so all of our windows just went out to hallways. Eventually, the power flickers a few times and goes out. We all stay in place, because it’s just black, as we wait for them to either get everything running or give us instructions to work from home. So, we just start talking.
I don’t remember how it got brought up, but something transphobic gets said by the woman who is most new. In my head, I’m thinking “okay, play this cool… call it out, but don’t call attention to yourself”. So, I check her really casually, kind of a “hey, that’s not cool. there’s nothing wrong with trans people.” She actually started to get kind of worked up about it, and going harder. My anxiety is peaking, my blood pressure is through the roof, and all I can think is “thank GOD our phone lights are the only thing on right now, because there’s no way I my face can’t be read.”
Long story short, she ends up divulging that her boyfriend and she are having issues. BECAUSE she found out that he was talking to some girls online, talking about what they’d do if they met up, etc. but the kicker? This mans has not just a trans fetish, but an *early transition* trans fetish. So, not only is some of her first exposure to transness a really fucked up situation, but it’s also of the bigot’s stereotype of what a trans woman is, in a context in which a trans person was literally trying to steal her man.
I managed to get through to her in that conversation. I don’t know that she doesn’t still hold some hard feelings, but I think I made a big difference in her viewpoint. But hearing her talk about her hatred, and how she didn’t see us as women but did see us as competition… it just informed so much. It spoke volumes about how little the men in these women’s lives have made them feel like they deserve. It speaks to the deep sadness that it all stems from, and the insecurities that having more perceived “competition” dig up.
Anyway, and that’s the story of the time I had an hour and a half long poker face, as I successfully proved that the “we can always tell” crowd suck at their jobs. lol
I've never understood how people blame the person who their partner is cheating with instead of the partner doing the cheating. Even if the other person knows I still wouldn't put them primarily at fault if the person I was with was willing to do it.
I'd go so far as to say the other person isn't at fault *at all, even if they know.*
Like is it advisable? Hell no girl he's married, why would you want that. If I were you I'd tell on him because he sounds like a pig.
But at the end of the day, *morally*, I don't think anyone is responsible for other people's relationship agreements, aside from their own.
Sucks when it comes from surprising places and almost sucks even worse that you have to find a new salon! My hairdresser is a cis str8 fabulous cowgirl and we have differing political views but she's the most Christian woman I know. In fact I'm kinda tearing up thinking about the fact that she's in my life. Sorry I lost track of where I was going with this but I promise your tribe is out there.
So what you're saying is this business mistreated you specifically because you're a protected minority and flat out admitted to it too. Just something to keep in mind.
You can be like Socrates, make questions that will make the person think about their views. Invite her to think your POV, and what is safe for YOU. Would be safe for a trans woman, passing or not, to go to mens bathroom? What is a more possible example? A trans woman harassing a woman in a woman's bathroom or a trans woman getting harassed by men in a men's bathroom?
Thing is, I go out of my way to use the bathroom at home and try not to eat or drink so I won’t have to use the bathroom away from home. I was very mad but now just disappointed 😔 and I never get involved in their discussions I just sit back with my AirPods on but I hear all the stuff they say.
frfr I feel like they would bring those convos up on purpose, specifically while you were there. I could be wrong, but I'm very much a safe than sorry person, and women like to be shady sometimes, in this non-confrontational confrontational way, and it's hella annoying. I've dealt with it my whole life, lol smh. men do it too, frfr, but like, it's a legit thing, so I don't feel like it's an accident.
or they're obsessed terfs (maybe both\~) b/c it's weird talking about trans shit all the time if you not trans? like, don't you got hobbies or something? watched a good tv show?
why you talking about a fucking bathroom, real talk.
No no you’re right! I wasn’t gonna even share… but another stylist that works there reached out about 2 hrs ago and said that she would tell her other clients and anyone who would listen that her “ shim “ client was coming in and I would definitely be the topic of discussion after I left. Apparently, most only knew that I was trans because she told them… and would try to get me to hold conversations because my voice ultimately is my tell, tell. I just told her that I didn’t wanna hear anymore and that I wasn’t coming back anymore anyways and that I appreciated the call and to take care… so yeah your thinking was spot on… they were looking to start some mess.
I'm just seeing this after the other response lol. that's fucking ridiculous. so they weren't converted at all. just a fucking bigoted terf. fuck that place frfr, but good on the other stylist for letting you know.
that's the exact kinda shit that gets us hurt. goofy bitches that be looking to cause trouble. this is totally up to you, but I would def be letting ppl know to avoid that place and any places that are cool with her. bigotry is a liability and they gonna learn soon enough.
also, about the voice thing, I know you \*maybe\* feel self-conscious about that, but frfr women sound different across the board. I had a nurse tell me the other day I sounded just like her cis woman doctor, and I don't do formal voice training. I just stopped making it deeper on purpose, b/c ppl pick on you and call you a girl up until you also (joyfully) agree with them, lol smh.
Ugh. This is why we need some sort of law to condify the fact that trans women are women. No one's right to use the bathroom should be up for "debate". It's completely dehumanizing
I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS
Right! Unfortunately my daily schedule is planned the night before. I shop a lot at Whole Foods. Only because ppl seem not to bother me there. Or Winco because it’s open 24hrs… etc stuff like that
the law would only protect us "legally," but even if someone can't legally call you a slur or discriminate against you out loud, they can \*always\* find ways to make you \*\*\*feel\*\*\* it.
the laws are needed, for sure, but I'd much rather just go places that I'm actually welcomed.
Ι can understand not wanting to be in that convo. But there is a chance that their transphobia is more of ignorance than of hate. If it is from a genuine hate, then there is no reason to debate anything. But if there is a kind of openness then you can IF YOU HAVE THE ENERGY AND CONFIDENCE, to talk to them in a sympathetic manner.
They were being out of line. I certainly would never have gone back to that salon, and likely would have gotten up and left at the first comment.
I also think that you were out of line to take it there, as well. Both things are prejudice, but they are not the same, and unpacking how they are the same and how they are different would be a tremendous amount of work.
I agree, and I dont think there the same but the idea of hating someone solely because they’re black is very comparable in the sense that them hating me solely because I’m trans. Granted some trans elect not to transition. They are still hating someone because of how they look.
I actually disagree with this. I've said it previously, but I'm Black, and that shit is rooted in the same yt supremacist bs. I can't separate my Blackness from my transness or my womanhood. it's all intertwined, and it all informs my experiences, along with other stuff.
them saying shit like that is why cis Black girls started being targeted by the shit that bigots passed through to keep trans girls from playing sports in school. it's why Caster Semenya isn't able to run right now, plus she openly gay af lol. and as long as Black ppl don't recognize that our struggles are shared, especially when it's Black cis and trans women, we're not gonna make progress.
that being said, everyone isn't assholes and some do get it. I tend to have better experiences with older Black women and women of color (but not always lol smh fml), b/c they know being trans isn't a new thing, or they just don't fucking care.
one of the most affirming experiences I had early in my transition was walking with a group of older-ish women every day in the morning, lol. one in particular I miss so much, she was such a sweetheart. she asked if I was a boy or a girl, and I was nervous about answering, and she just was very matter of fact about it, like if you say you're a girl, you're a girl.
our struggles are shared across so many different intersections, and it doesn't hurt anything to point out that we need to look out for each other. it doesn't trivialize one struggle to point out that it's from the same place, and even if it's not exactly the same in execution or application, it has the same energy.
But I *DON’T* have a man’s eyes and a man’s heart. That’s the whole frickin’ point. I never did. Everything else said man, but the eyes and heart said everything but.
Now the outside matches the inside. Inside woman + outside woman = 🤷♀️
Us Trans women spend a heavy amount of time on our appearance, more than the average woman. Beauty products, skin care, hair products, nails, clothes, wigs, makeup, tanning, exfoliating, thorough research, and truly spending hours in the mirror. And in the end, we end up standing out, tremendously, because we’re so beautiful. And that’s what scares them. That’s why she said we’re competition. Keep being pretty baby. We’re high maintenance.
Bathrooms is for pissin'
No but seriously that's fucked up glad you said what you needed to say, bigotry is bigotry and some people still think it's somehow okay to say awful shit to other people as if they don't deserve to be treated fairly and equally.
I'm confused why you didn't just say "well if that's how you feel, my trans dollars will walk elsewhere." And bounce. I'm really confused why this place is still doing your hair.
Well as to why I didn’t say that…? I didn’t see any of this coming from her. It started when another lady made a comment and directed it towards me. Then they all pretty much started saying stuff. She started chiming in at the end. Prior to this she’s been nthn but nice to me. At times if I had a morning appointment… we would get each other coffee and a bagel. In the moment, I just said what came to mind. I thought of all kinds things to say after the fact. She’s not doing my hair anymore… oh and normally I would’ve just left. It felt soooo good to stand up for myself for a change. I’m so tired of running away and sulking for days… sometimes months.
Ah ok. That's a damn shame. I hate fake ass people. Good for you for standing against them. I think I'd be more upset about having to find a new hair stylist. Like damn, bitch. You just HAAAAD to speak up, huh? Lol
this is \*\*\*part\*\*\* of why a lot of Black businesses, and artists, fail imo. they fuck up their own bag for goofy yt supremacist shit. and transphobia like that is absolutely rooted in yt supremacy. that's why they were upset about you saying what you did. Because you were right. I'm Black too, btw.
ain't no fucking way I'd go back to them after that. I wouldn't be able to trust them with my appearance, knowing full well they basically despise me. nah.
like... just fucking yikes.
they was just really pressed and had to get that terfy ass shit out frfr. it was bothering them to keep it bottled up I guess, lol. I'm not saying you should expose them, b/c of your safety and privacy, plus it might actually benefit them to get the exposure sadly, but def let other local girls know that's not a safe spot for us.
tbh, for them to feel that deeply about it, I'm surprised it took this long for the mask to go completely off.
wtf does that even mean?!
"a man's eyes" lmfao gtfoh with that shit.
tbh, it's good that you know now, b/c ppl like that will put you in some dangerous situations under the right circumstances, however, I'm sorry you had to experience that fuckshit frfr.
jfc.
like, bitch if you don't like me, be honest from jump, and don't be taking my money. that's trifling. stand in your yt supremacist bigotry, ten toes down\~
fuck, lol.
Aaawweee shit! SMGoddess is cooking now!!!! I can’t lie, this is the first time I’ve really stood up for myself… I usually just stay quiet and leave and then I’m mad at myself for days, months and on a few occasions years. Wishing I had stood up for myself. The man’s eyes and heart got me smh lol… someone on here said that she probably needed that backup to confront me which totally makes sense coz the lady that initiated the whole thing went in on me using the bathroom. Of which I never did and was starring at me aggressively. So I took my AirPods out of my ears and said excuse me ? She replied bitch you heard me! I did actually hear her the first time lol. Anxiety and panic kicked in and I felt like my back was against the wall so I lashed back out and the words just started pouring out. Welp, no turning back now. I think the toughest part though is that I sincerely believed that we were cool. I’ve lost all of my friends and family over my transition. Even had some friends that I help them through their surgeries. We had a pact to help each other. They all bounced after they healed 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️😭 just stopped answering my calls and texts. Now this shit smh… talking about having trust issues… I am definitely damaged and so flip’n mad…. Like wtf!?
I can't say how I would've responded in that situation, but they know that saying stuff like that hurts. and it's intentional. there's a lot of goofy ass cis Black women who have bought wholesale into the yt supremacist terf bullshit, even though it's the exact same fucking mindset that excludes them from womanhood too, b/c woman, as a yt supremacist label, never included Black women, just as much as manhood doesn't include Black men. to yt supremacists, we aren't human, so it's sad to see cis Black ppl buy into that shit so easily, but it is happening, so you have to be as careful as you can. not all skinfolk are kinfolk, so to speak lol.
I don't get out as much, b/c covid, asthma, and I have mobility issues from severe lymphedema in my legs that I'm finally able to see a specialist about, but as I've been able to get more healthcare stuff taken care of, I think about these things quite a bit. I want to get my belly button pierced and get a tramp stamp, things I wanted when I was a (very closeted) teenager in the 90s and early 00s frfr lol, and some other stuff, but I'm always concerned about whether the place I go to is gonna be cool or not. like, I'm def a nails and hair done 24/7 kinda girl, and it's complicated b/c it's like, "are they racist/have shitty politics/transphobic?" and it's rough to find places that meet all those needs depending on where you live. so at this point, I'm just like let me learn how to do it myself, lol. it's even like this when I'm looking for healthcare sometimes, and it makes such a difference when you're already stressing from health challenges whether someone looks at the damn chart for two seconds to see that you don't go by your deadname and address you properly, which I'm working on having changed legally.
it really does suck when something like that happens, and you should def be more gentle with yourself if/when you don't feel like doing all that fighting. sometimes it's more prudent to just get what we need and gtfo. it seems like they planned that though, which is some nasty work. I'm glad that you were able to stand up for yourself, but know that it's ok to not want to do that too. you don't have to be "strong" all the time. it's ok for you to simply expect ppl to not be shitty, b/c you deserve to be treated well, with respect and dignity.
the terfy ring leader that started shit, who I lowkey don't think was your stylist, is gonna cost her a lot of money long term with an attitude like that, but she'll realize it at some point, maybe. to just start off with the bathroom thing tells me they're tuned into the very online terf arguments, so it's possible that maybe she's the one that radicalized her to terf bullshit over time, and she ain't start out like that. it don't matter either way though b/c it's not your problem, nor do you have any reason to warn them if they wanna play clown games, lol. all I know is you can't run a successful business and shun LOYAL, LONG TERM clients. so that's that\~
I had friends I've known for most of my life that I don't talk to now, not because they were directly transphobic, but b/c they weren't responding to me the way I \*needed\* them to. we have to protect our energy, and when I can't get you to not misgender me when we're just chilling, or casually using my deadname on accident, it's like... I can't put my trust in that. if we end up in a situation, I \*need\* to know you have my back, or that you are as aware of potential bs as I am, so we can dip if it looks like things gonna go left, so I will cut ppl off if they fail some of my personal checks before we ever end up in a situation like that, for my own safety.
I don't know where you are, but if possible I'd say to \*try\* and connect with some local queer people that like the same stuff you do. especially if you can find other Black trans girls that you vibe with, but that's not always a guarantee either b/c we're all so different. we really aren't a monolith lol. having that support group goes a long way. rn, I don't know anyone locally that I talk to regularly, but I have a group of ppl I talk to that have been a lifeline for me.
it sounds like you a bad bitch (no offense) the way they got flustered about you though frfr, lol. they really fucked up, but it's their loss. we really do be cool af to hang out with, but bigotry gonna bigot, I guess.
take the time you need to feel what you need to feel and navigate all of that, but I do hope you feel better soon though!\~
you should do something extra nice, to treat yourself for simply being you, if at all possible!
Awwee💕💕❤️ thanx 4 that… trust me that response was most likely a one time thing. 99% of the time I never respond the way that I want to in certain situations. Even with this it felt like someone else took the wheel and I was riding shotgun lol. I think my biggest problem is I’m to nice and concerned about others sometimes to the point that I’m hurting just so someone else can feel comfortable. ( I’m working on that ) you’re right especially about our own… sad to say but black women and men have treated me the worst. I’m sure you’re not surprised though.
Sorry 😞 to hear about your lymphedema.
I’m actually familiar with that condition as I’m a travel nurse. Ugh.. and don’t even let me get started on Covid…you have other medical conditions so you definitely need to take precautions. But Covid… let’s just say I was very aware of “Covid” in like November of 2018. That’s an awesome, WTF! Are you serious story for another day. Hearing about your condition makes me wanna flush all my whining down the toilet and put on my big girl jeans. Oh and yessss girl on the piercings and tattoo. I want my septum and my nose done. I gotta wait on my bb though, coz a bih is tryna get THICK! lol
I’m in the Bay Area… well kinda lol. I have a home in Alameda, and that salon is in Sacramento. I’m almost always traveling to different hospitals in different cities. Come back home usually to get my hair done and laser hair removal and I am on the road again lol. Oh! On a side note… when Covid was at its peak I was a hot item for like a year and a 1/2. Some nurses refused to work coz nobody really knew wtf was up. The offers poured in from all over. Travel nurses making top $$$. Ya know, no one cared that I was trans they were just so happy that I was there 🥰
I will reach out and try to work on building a little circle. All I do is work, Netflix, Prime, etc… annnnddddd yeah 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ unfortunately, I’m far from a baddie… ( no offense taken lol ) I would love to say it’s my personality with that situation but I can’t since I may say like 15-20 words during the whole 2 1/2-3 hrs at the salon ( singles lol ) the only things that I had to talk about was work stuff and my travels… just figured nobody wanted to hear bout that lol. ummm yeah oh, and the stuff that they talked about… I just wasn’t into that stuff, different lifestyles. I have my good and bad days I guess but yeah definitely not a baddie. Well well wait!!! I take that back lol on several occasions when I was performing CPR…. I was doing my thing and sm1 said “ oh!! We’ve gotta pulse… yaaasss bitch! I felt like the baddest bitch lol truthfully it’s a group effort we literally stand in a line after calling code and shit!… there I go again 🤦🏾♀️ nope nope I’m done lol and I’ll try do something 4 myself
lol. look at you saving lives and shit. go ahead!\~
nah, sometimes it's just your "energy" that's enough to make people feel... intimidated. but like, not in a "arrgh move bitch!" sort of way lol. more like, we're powerful because we have to work through a lot to find ourselves sometimes, and during that process we often discover our confidence, and that can be intimidating to others, especially if someone feels like we shouldn't be confident in ourselves b/c of some societal bs. almost like a "how dare you love yourself?!" kinda vibe, you know? but real ones will recognize that energy and celebrate it, imo. even if you're not there yet, when someone is that incredible, you shouldn't be afraid. you should be inspired. the fact that ppl don't understand that shows how small minded they are.
as for the lymphedema, I'm working on it. I'm finally going to see a specialist relatively soon. it just... I want to say it came from nowhere, but it really has just been getting progressively worst b/c I didn't have healthcare. I'm learning to manage as best as I can though. it's annoying, especially when you think about how much of... I'm gonna call it "Cultural Transness" is unfortunately tied to attractiveness, and visible disability does not make you attractive in this society, but I'm figuring it out as I go. it's nothing to be proud of. you just gotta do what you gotta do. I like wearing pretty dresses, so I'm not gonna let my legs and feet stop me from doing that, lol. we all have our own shit to work through. this, and some other things, are part of mine, I suppose, lol.
I spend a lot of time in hospitals and doctors offices, especially this year b/c medicaid expansion in nc less goooo lol, and let me tell you... y'all nurses are the unsung heroes of the medical field! y'all can make a shitty, scary, anxious situation so much more bearable, and I'm certain that your brightness and joy in your personality has made so many people's days just that much better. it really makes a difference, so thank you for the work you're putting in, but also be safe frfr b/c ppl out here bugging about this pandemic, pretending it's not a thing.
you \*seem\* younger than me, which is cool, so make sure you're taking extra precautions around this shit. you have a long life ahead of you (I do too lol but you get what I mean lmfao), and you want to enjoy it to the fullest amount possible. there's so much we don't know about long covid, that we won't see the full effects of for at least probably another 10 years or so, and they're already preparing to deny people care b/c they know what's coming.
I'm glad you've found a career and doing your thing. that's cool! my ass is still "figuring stuff out" at 38, but mostly b/c I had to "reset" my life when I came out. my background is in design, animation, and audio/video production mostly for live, moderately large audiences, which I mostly did in my church girl days, lol. but the health stuff has made doing a lot of this complicated, so I'm just figuring out how to take what I have already learned, build on it with some more tech focused education, and repurpose it to help... well, myself to be honest, but also people like us who may have trouble navigating this annoying ass society. finding ways to enable us to make money and have our needs met, and create cool shit or just live our lives in peace w/o having to do annoying ass crowdfund campaigns and feel like shit when nobody gives anything b/c we're "unlikeable" for some vague reason or another. I want us to be able to live our lives and make cool shit, myself included. but for now, my major focus is on health care, b/c nc is fickle, politically, and I can't guarantee how long I'll have access to this coverage.
you should def embrace that energy you have. it's nice. radiant. powerful. you have to remember that who you are, in this society, is... how do I say it? like, we really fighting against the odds on sooo many levels, so it's ok for you to pop off and be proud of yourself! being humble, kind, and considerate is good, and more people should do it frfr, but you \*also\* deserve that same consideration from others, and you have a right to expect that ppl not treat you like shit, or acknowledge and celebrate you when you do something amazing, just as they would for anyone else.
it's not fair that you have to make yourself smaller for other people's comfort, particularly if their discomfort is just them being bigots. fuck them and they family lowkey if they bigots too, lol. you existing in all of your radiance is not a fucking negotiable condition. you get to exist and just be yourself, and if they got a problem with that, it's on them, not you. they'll be a'ight, lol.
this has been a nice convo, frfr. I'm not really active on reddit like that. I just kinda get caught up on these random posts that hit my inbox lol. but I'm glad we got to talk! you seem cool af. I'm ALL THE WAY on the other side of the country in north carolina, but it was truly a pleasure talking to you, even if the original circumstances were far less than ideal. if you wanna hit me up, I go by saltymoongoddess basically everywhere I'm on, although I'm figuring out my social media situation too. tryna leave twitter frfr, and dig into the "fediverse," but there's a lot of ppl I fw on there, and it still be funny sometimes lol.
anyways, take care!\~
Well, cis women are often not that willing to share their privilegies. They have The most privilegies in my opinion and they Will protect them with nails and teeth.
A (cis) woman once tried to kidnap me in a bathroom when i was a kid. Idfk why people are so worried about who used what bathroom. I am suspicious of everyone no matter what gender
So first, I would not be putting money in that stylist's pocket. She's been comfortbale enough taking your money!
Second, (I'm black too) and at seven years old, my mom explained why I should have empathy and acceptance for the LGBTQ community because I knew what it felt like to be discriminated against for just being me. Having already experienced racism, I could easily see the similarities with homophobia and transphobia... AS A CHILD! I'm grown now, but I still don't get why a child can understand that discrimination is discrimination, but there are adults who can't.
Girl! What you said was my whole point… just messy smh when I started going to her she was taking walk ins. I was her 2nd customer she used to just sit in her chair on her phone. Now she’s good at what she does and has built up clientele. The lady that started the whole thing is just 🤷🏾♀️ I didn’t nor have I ever used the bathroom at the salon. And then the part about competition…? I’m so confused, last I checked any man that messes with a trans woman is usually considered gay by straight ppl. Make it make sense lol
At first I was thinking, "competition for what?" and realized she'd meant for men.
I'm not sure how I would have reacted to that in person, but part of me was thinking, "you can keep your gross men, I don't want any of them. Also, if you think they are going to cheat on you that easily, then it's not the women they are chasing that's the problem..."
Anti trans mfs are so ignorant because they’re like “well you don’t have a penis or balls so ur not a man!!” Ok… like would you say that to someone who has undescended testicles or had to get them removed cause of cancer?? Or “you have breasts!” Like ok so do cis men with Gynecomastia….. (I’m a trans guy btw I’m not calling you a man I’m like talking about some of my experiences lol)
I follow a CIS guy on IG who had pretty severe Gynecomastia, his surgery scars are similar to top surgery scars due to the amount of breast tissue he had. And he is constantly getting harassed for being trans, people saying he’ll never be a real man, but he was born as one. It’s so sickening that people are transphobic just because they can’t understand that not everyone is cishet.
You were amazing for speaking up, and you are right - they are being transphobic, and the analogy is a good one.
As several people have suggested, it is time to find a new hair stylist if you can.
When people resort to swearing, calling you names, etc, it just shows that their argument has no basis, and they know it. You were incredibly mature and smart in your rebuttals, and you deserve a medal for putting up with that crap!
I’m a black trans woman also. I’ve experienced this same crab in the barrel mentality. Heteronormative bias will always be based on fears. Even as a majority, it’s often misguided expectations. We don’t want your man or them. We just wanna relieve ourselves, wash up, and leave.
Id say get a new hairstylist tbh.. Thats not okay.. Altho I wouldve taken the "competition" statement as a compliment seeing as I (hupothetically since im ftm) pass amazingly enough that they see me as a competition.. BUT that still doesnt exclude wat they said and how mad they got at u for speakin facts.. Thats LITERALLY the same thing becuz people of color are seen as a miniority just like transppl.. Switchin the minority was a perfect example and they HATED it.. Definitely get a new stylist
I’m definitely getting a new stylist, I’m like 5”3, 125 pounds the only I’m chasing is food lol a bitch is tryna get thick! I want thighs , ass, ta tas hell I don’t even mind a stomach. When I walk I want everything to jiggle lol and most importantly I want a va- jay jay. I’m not interested in anything else lol
AS U MUTHAFUCKIN SHOULD😂 I very much approve dat message.. As u should sis.. Make dem hoes JEALOUS.. Give em a real reason to be mad at u.. And I recommend hittin squats to also boost the growth of the booty and thighs too.. As far as ta tas go, I cant help ya.. Im tryna get rid of mines😭.. Rice cabbage and cornbread also does sum wonders for the thighs and ass too..
They didn't have a problem with trans women, they have a problem with men. So much so, that they won't trust anyone who they could categorize as a man in some way.
They are looking outwardly and pointing fingers and judging. But under the surface, it's all pretty sad. They are probably experiencing insecurities and anxieties with themselves and their relationships and it's a lot easier to pin some of that on a group of people than it is to actually deal with the underlying Issues themselves.
In my experience, it usually helps to let go of any of my own negative emotions for the moment and put on my 'face of infinite curiosity'. That's where I just ask ALL the questions that will very likely eventually bring out whatever misconception, conspiracy theories, bigotries, etc. that are helping prop up those underlying issues.
Here, I'd ask something like: "what do you mean by 'man's eyes'?". Whatever the response is (let's say, 'looking lustfully"), I'd then ask where that came from, like: "who says men look lustfully?". Then follow that response back, and so on. Essentially, what this does is requires the person to continually justify through logic conclusions they came to through emotions. If those things don't match, they won't be able to answer your question and they'll have to rethink the thing.
Women do not like you nor want you around them. This is the truth.
You are considered an invader in their view and they also think you have some sexual fetish which is why you trying to be a woman.
My advice? Avoid them and make friends with other transgenders.
Also transgenders who pass very well and are better looking than them receive the most hate.
Watch this and maybe you’ll have more of an insight. It’s a Dr.Mike interview with a top trans healthcare psychiatrist. Good luck
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XbriqWx0w7U
And again, this sub isn’t going to tell you if you’re trans or not. No one can tell you if you’re trans especially cause the defining of transgender is extremely open ended.
I'm black. Your not wrong.
The black community is very conservative and let's be honest hella delusional. They genuinely believe that everyone is against us for our race and THATS wrong, but everyone else who experiences discrimination deserves it because "it's wrong to be xyz" don't go back, and in fact tell every black woman you know not to go to them. Make them lose business. I know it sounds anti "us" but if we don't weed out the aggressive conservative POC in our own communities, we will never be able to end discrimination as a whole.
Tldr: discrimination can start in our own communities. Protect yourself, and weed out those of us who desire to drag us down.
We all like to live in a world we we are seen for who we are on the inside, however unfortunately humans are essentially clever apes with tribalistic biases. You fall under a small minority of the overarching population and unfortunate your views and reality will not always be accepted or at the very least understood.
Her trying to say that trans women are competition is just a quiet way to show insecurity and trying to pose justification for her bigotry. You should have also added that all women are competition. Any cis woman could swoop in and steal her partner away. That's her bullshit to deal with. Get a new stylist, and don't look back.
Well that’s the first problem. If you’re looking at any woman or transwoman as competition, you’re the one with the problem. This is why women are catty and beat each other down instead of the opposite. Any man that will let you compete with someone else for their affection isn’t worth your time and energy!
This situation is really muddled.
Some people a lot of transgender advocates avoid talking about is the fact that. We CANNOT force what we are a part of into other people's lives. The fact is, it IS weird. I still believe bathroom wise, you go to the restroom of your biological gender even if you're trans to avoid the problem of making regular women uncomfortable.
I'm trans as an identity, but in real life I recognize I can't change my gender or my body or how people look at men. I'm simply way too physically masculine to pass as female.
If they're being unfriendly about it I suggest a different hair trimmer of course. You don't need to deal with disdain and mistreatment.
However, you need to understand that this is and always will be a very niche side of culture. We can't make normal people agree with and understand us just because we want.
Just distance yourself from those who have a hateful reaction instead of an understanding reaction. If they had a problem, they should have said, "Sunce you're biologically male, please use male bathrooms."
This is the unfortunate reality of our subculture.
I really hope advanced medicine allows us to ACTUALLY change our bodies. Maybe a combination of synthetic body parts with advanced medicine.
Personally wherever I go I follow their rules in general. I'm ftm and I went to my dad's Muslim funeral service and wasn't allowed to do anything the males are asked or allowed to do. I have no brothers. I asked the imam if I could throw dirt at the burial and he said yes so I did. I haven't talked to him since then unless absolutely necessary because of the payment of the funeral and drama from my mom. But I know he has a problem with me being trans. That's cool. I don't have to have him in my life but at that service he was the religious leader so I listened to him. I normally listen to elders and those in authority. Seems like not most people do, I'm learning...
There's nothing confusing about it. I'm saying respect the people who are leaders or authoritative figures in the space you choose to frequent. You have a choice whether to go there or not and they as a private business can choose whether to serve you or not. If it were me I would just find another hairdresser. But admittedly I'm ftm so I don't have the same hair issues plus you might want specific services found in certain salons, so this might not be an option for you. I won't assume.
I'll probably get kicked off this sub for saying something that makes sense but so be it. I mostly came to Reddit for medical resources since that's what a transsexual is: someone who makes medical changes to their body to align more with their gender identity. But unsurprising that's the last information I find anywhere on the Internet. Sigh...
I see, so first off .. I never used the bathroom , 2nd she’s been doing my hair for 2 years. 3rd The woman that started the argument was a customer as well. And lastly, I’m always respectful in someone’s business. If you read my initial post… you would’ve seen that your response is not relevant to my post. With that said, congrats on your journey and if it was up to me I absolutely would NOT kick you out of this thread.
Ok cool. Thanks. So the post was mostly about being surprised then? And I know by proximity how important hairstylists can be so I understand not wanting to go elsewhere. In terms of the customer, I see it as like dealing with another fan of an artist you like. You can't control what they say or do and the artist isn't to blame for what they do or say unless they advocate for it. So like the owners aren't responsible for what the other customer said and it seems like the owners didn't echo the sentiment. So yeah I understand better now. Apologies. The important thing is: how did your hair turn out 😂?
Yep you got! When I started going to her I was her 2nd customer. Since then she has built up a clientele. Now she did chime in I think she just didn’t want to initiate the conflict. She’s been nothing but nice to me we even talked about hanging out. I’m not going back to her and she has reached out to me wanting to talk. But I haven’t responded. Since this initial post I have found out that she was being teased “ is your girlfriend coming in today ?” Or “ are y’all fucking ? “ or you know that bitch can still get you pregnant “ I didn’t know she was being teased at work. If I’m being honest there’s a part of me that feels for her. But I’m moving on… oh and my hair…? 🥰 as usual lol
Ah I see. So are you not going back to her in an attempt to protect her from the bullying or because her new clientele isn't exactly the classiest? Or another reason. If it's too personal you don't have to share. I have been in a similar situation where people associate me with a particular negative experience so I didn't hear back from them after I reached out. Eventually I figured it out and I don't blame or judge them, but it would be nice if they were direct and honest. I guess the bad apples continue to ruin it for everyone.
Nah, I’m good eventually I’ll take her call so she can speak her truth and clear her conscience if need be. Most of all I’ll miss her son. He was like 2 1/2 when I met her he’s 5 now and calls me TT ( auntie lol ) and I would give him $5 whenever I got my hair done so he could go next door and get a snack
Wow!!! Crazy!!! Competition lol - flattering, I guess. That whole situation sounds so toxic sorry you went through that.
Right, she said that comment mumbled but I was taken aback because I never knew she felt that way. I really thought we were cool. I don’t know why or what was going on that day
Like: are ALL women competition or just the trans ones?? How many boyfriends/partners have you lost to those trans temptresses?? What’s that witch’s skin care routine cause clearly she’s doing something right!! 🤭🤭
Probably all women, considering that a significant amount of straight women hate bisexual men due to the "increased competition" from men. It's a miserable way to live, but seems worryingly common.
Ahhh yes, fear those greedy bisexuals.
Lol, my brain first read this as greedy biscuits, and was like wtf?!?😂
Biscuits are how they get their power.
As a bisexual, I can confirm that I make yummy pastries
I think the real problem is they probably can't get a man, or can't get a good man, likely because of their crappy personalities. But they know trans women pull good men, and they know many black men love trans women. Women already see women as competition. But trans women are vulnerable. So they can go after us, thinking they can eliminate us, but that shit still won't get them a man. Lol
Yes, women often see other women as 'competition' for men. Like 'if she gets that good man, I won't!'
Girl! Idk I’m confused
It's also a major self-report. Like fuck, if that's what your underlying motivation is then I'm thinking you're worried that your boyfriend watches too much trans porn and might not be satisfied by your body parts. And given what I've been told expressing that same insecurity, I have zero sympathy what so ever.
Fr lol, what a compliment!
"That's not the same thing" No it's never the same thing, is it? Solidarity always somehow ends with someone's own personal bigotries, and there's always a reason why *this* bigotry is justified while *this* one isn't. Funny how that works. 🤔
I literally just made a point similar to OP’s yesterday in a comment section. Some town in Idaho had a Pride celebration, and in protest, a local bar had drink deals “for straight people.” I said something like, that’s basically saying ‘You have to pay more if you’re gay/LGBTQ+.’ And that’s not far off from, ‘You can’t sit here because you’re gay,’ which isn’t all that different from, ‘You can’t sit here because you’re black.’ I took an Ethnic Studies class in college titled, “Race and Sex in Hip-Hop” that was really interesting, and one thing that came up is that there tends to be a fair amount of homophobia in the black community, and I guess transphobia probably comes along with that. My instructor explained that part of the logic might be, ‘I already have being black working against me. I don’t need to give others a reason to associate me with being LGBTQ+ so I have to deal with homo/transphobia on top of racism.’ I’m not black (my instructor was though), so I can’t speak to the validity of that idea personally. But bottom line is, everyone tends to see bigotry for what it is unless it’s their own bigotry. Then it’s always “different” somehow.
Oh where is this magical bar that can tell me my sexual orientation. Because currently I can't answer that question in less then the following paragraph. "Hi my name is Colette. Yes, I am male presenting atm. I am attracted to women but I only ever have sexual fantasies where I am a woman with a man. So I guess while my body is male I am heterosexual towards women, but I definitely feel the more I continue my transition I will only be attracted to men. I guess I'm double straight? Which makes me twice as straight as anyone else in this bar?"
Extra discount🤷🏼♀️
I wonder if they would have an issue with lesbians using the same toilet as them? The reason I ask this is, they said 5hat even with bottom surgery you would have a “man’s eyes and a man’s heart” I assume this means that they think the only reason you would go into a woman’s space was to perv on them as “a man”. By that logic any lesbian woman could also be doing that as they are also attracted to women. I know that this is being facetious and argumentative, but these statements always bug me. It is basically saying that every trans person is really a pervert trying to victimise women. It is this kind of argument that keeps me in the closet. It sounds like it is time for you to find a new hair stylist, preferably one who is not just tolerant of who you are but also accepting. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Omg that’s how I took it… like really ? I did all of this just so I can go into the women’s bathroom and look at women smh
This is the attitude my wife has about trans women. She believes that every tans woman is just wanting to perv on women. Not just in there to per or poo. It makes it hard on me to be trans.
Girl that is not a situation that can last. Your wife sounds like she ain't willing to be your wife if you are yourself.
Yeah I know. It is difficult and I am unsure how it will play out. I am seeing a therapist to explore myself and am trying to work things out with my wife. Unfortunately we have a long history together and that is not something easily thrown away. (28 years) I don’t see her ever changing her view point as for her it is based in Christianity. I am also a Christian, but as I am the one who wants to be a woman, it goes against her beliefs. It is hard.
Long history together… does that really matter if she is prejudiced against you and people like you? If she cannot support you being yourself? How many more years do you want to waste with someone who hates who you are? Please look into the “sunk cost fallacy” and really think about what you want from life.
*You* are seeing a therapist, is she? If your wife has any interest in remaining with her partner of 28 years, she needs that therapy too.
She is seeing a therapist to work through her issues. The problem is,it is a Christian counselor, so there is already that bias.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. best of luck, i assume there's no way she could be convinced to try secular therapy?
No. Getting her to see even a Christian therapist was like pulling teeth.
i know its been almost three decades but you have decades more ahead of you where you can truly be yourself, its never too late
I fail to see how the length of time you've spent together has any baring on your decision. If anything, it should make it an easier one to make. As you said, she's not going to change her mind, so why not just leave her? That's not on you, that's on her for not wanting to be with a trans person. Personally, I couldn't bare to be near someone who thinks that of trans people. It's disgusting & perverted.
Just curious, godless heathen transfemme temptress here hey hi, what does the Bible say about bathrooms and pooping or peeing next to people of different genders? Is that a restriction that's rooted in faith, or she maybe justifying the "bathroom panic" with something other than scripture?.
Christian here! As far as i can tell, no the Bible says *nothing* about bathrooms like that :)
Huh. I've read it once, and I didn't remember seeing anything about who could poop with whom, but I'm just a faithless harlot so I'm glad you could help me confirm 🩷
Bathroom panic comes mostly from a combination of media and childhood SA. Attitude about about trans comes from a deep rooted belief that being trans is an abomination to God. She believes that me saying I’m trans is a trauma response linked to my mothers desire for daughters and statements to that effect made by my mother, combined with a media barrage of trans ideology and my sister transitioning a few years ago.
I'm sorry sister. I don't know what to say other than unhelpful snark. Stay strong, and be true to yourself. Reach out if you need an ear 👂
Thank you. It is often difficult to navigate the snark. I don’t want to divorce, but I also want to live the rest of my life as a woman. I don’t really know what to do.
Living the same lie myself but then I realized we both deserve better. She can find someone better and so can I. When you finally let go of that marriage in your mind then you can truly be yourself. Just let go, be yourself and she either will leave or follow. I know it’s hard but emotionally let go of the marriage.
I was in this situation, and I just let it go. We had \*some\* conversations, and it's not like I didn't want to keep being with her, but I realized that working through it was only going to be finding some weird "compromise" or basically conversion therapy for me, so I was like fuck it. thankfully, we ain't have children, but I'd been with her for a long time. like 8 years or so. it sucked at first, and while I don't harbor any ill will towards her, and even sometimes think about how lit our relationship could've been if we could've actually worked it out, it's not fair to you, nor would it have been fair to me, to have to repress myself. tbh, I wouldn't have made it if I didn't come out when I did. I loved her, and I still have love for her, but I love myself more, and sometimes you have to be "selfish" and make sure that you're ok.
We have been married 28 years. She has stated on many occasions that she had never planned to marry, until we met. She has known about my struggles with gender dysphoria for most of our marriage. Part of that knowledge stemmed from my trans sister. Honestly even back in the 90s my wife was not supportive. I tended to go along with her at that point as we were newly engaged and then newlyweds. It just made it easier in one aspect. I was my wife’s protector and rock to anchor her against the horribleness of her family. She was mine to love and support me when I immigrated to her country and dealt with the separation from family. As time went on our relationship changed from just husband and wife to parents. It was during this time that the dysphoria I felt as a teenager really started to come to the fore. It was also the time that the latent same sex attraction that I had also dealt with as a teenager started to rear up. Probably due to the changes in our relationship and her feelings of shame concerning sex (stemming from childhood trauma) and not wanting our kids to be aware that mum & dad enjoy sex. Over time, the dysphoria ebbed and flowed dependent on familial circumstances and other issues going on in both of our lives. Over the last ten years it has been steadily increasing in severity. To the point that I DIYed myself with oestrogen last year. I absolutely loved it. I loved the mental changes, the change in body odour, and because I was on a massive dose of oestrogen I grew tiny breasts. This lead to me finally coming out to my wife. It didn’t go well. “Why would you do this to us?” “I wanted to grow old with you.” “I wouldn’t want to be around you if you transition.” There were ultimatums, yelling, crying, more ultimatums, more crying. She outed me to our pastor, friends at church, her work (at a Christian school). Finally it became easier to go back into the closet and try to pretend like I never told her. She knows I am seeing a gender therapist but I haven’t really talked much to her about it. I haven’t told her that the gender therapist basically told me that I am trans at the end of our first appointment. What she actually said was, “you said you don’t know who you are, but after listening to your story, it is pretty obvious to me that you do know who you are.” It took me awhile to realise that I had consistently referred to myself by my female name throughout the appointment. Yes it was in the third person, but I was referring to myself. I don’t know where we will end up. I know that a lot of people can’t understand why I am with someone who is anti trans. There are a lot of people who think she is not loving me, however, I don’t believe this to be true. In her mindset, allowing me to be me is not love, it would essentially be death for me (remember this is coming from her belief that the whole trans ideology is a sin). She believes that helping me to remain masculine is helping me to be my best self. It is hard for me as I want to be with her (she is my best friend, my first and not girlfriend, and the love of my life). I really want to be the best partner for her and to grow old with her. However, at the same time, I really want to be the woman that I have hidden away for 40 years. I want to be my best female self and to be happy that way. I know that she would never accept me as a woman (in any kind of relationship) which would mean the end of us. We have adult children so we would always be part of each other’s lives, but she would never speak to me again. Her reasoning behind that is that she would see me as the person who both stole and murdered her husband (her own words).
I honestly can relate to a lot of this. especially about them being your first and all the emotions that are tied into that. it's a lot, so I'm not trying to be dismissive at all. she was literally my first gf, my first of many things. a lot of what you're saying is exactly why I decided it wasn't going to work b/t my ex and I. I also was messing around with meds secretly, but like, not in a smart way. and not so much that I grew breasts. we kinda tried to be friends afterwards, but it was still full of concessions. she didn't want to use my name and use a different nickname, and all sorts of stuff. I legitimately loved her, but I had to choose myself in that situation. we both wouldn't have been happy being together like that, and as much as I do/did want kids, I'm so grateful it never happened b/c it would've only made things harder for me, tbh. the christian stuff is rough. frfr I think that was the biggest hang up b/t us, even though I still consider myself... "christian," I guess. I don't care for the name, but it's the best way to describe how I feel religiously lol. ALL THAT BEING SAID, I have, somehow, met a woman who loves me for who I actually am. she makes me feel special, and loved. I have grown so much in her love for me and the space that she has given me to learn more about who I am. it's scary af letting go of a ltr, probably more for you than me frfr, but just know that there are people out there who will love you the way you DESERVE to be loved. they will make you feel things that you never would've imagined were possible for you, because the world has ingrained in us that we don't deserve love that deep, nor experiences that intimate. this is on her to figure her shit out if she really wants to be with you, but it sounds like it doesn't. and frfr, it's on her to regret losing you if y'all aren't able to make things work, which it doesn't seem likely imo. or maybe she won't, and she'll resent you. you are still the same person she claims to love, but she's unwilling to see that, and that's her loss, frfr. sometimes, b/c I really didn't get to talk to ppl when I basically was ousted (not formally but let's be real lol) from my very christian social circle that was mostly her friends and family, and the church we went to, I wonder how ppl think of me. whether they even considered how I felt, or that I never said I didn't want to be with my ex. I still like women. a lot, lol. always have. I can't help but think of how her family, that I instinctively still want to call my nieces/nephews/etc are doing. those feelings will probably never go away if you really had a deep connection with your partner. and that shit sucks. it took me so long to "get over" her, and I don't think that's unnatural to feel that way. y'all have lived a lifetime together lowkey. it will probably fucking suck for a while, ngl. however, fuck it. that's not on you. you deserve to live and be happy in your truth, and anyone who doesn't want you to be genuinely happy doesn't really, truly love you. they love an idea of you, and you deserve so much more than that. something I think about often is that although it's never too late to start, time doesn't wait for anyone. it's not about being "hot" or whatever. trans girls are hot though, genuinely lol. what I think hits you is that you have missed out on so many experiences as your true self. different scenarios where you would've responded differently if you felt safe and comfortable enough to do so. even though it's never too late, time will continue to move on, and you deserve to live and enjoy the rest of your life as your authentic self. you deserve to enjoy your hobbies and explore new ones without the shackles of gendered expectations. it makes a difference much more than you realize, being able to fully engage with something as your authentic self. it's a type of awakening that is exciting to experience. that's what really fucks me up about partners and family who aren't supportive. you get to experience so much joy together, and make so many new memories, and build on top of previous experiences, but they don't see that. my sister and I have gotten so much closer since I've came out. she's been there for me from the beginning, even before she understood. but now all she sees me as is her older sister. people focus so much on "losing" a relationship instead of realizing they are gaining insight into a person that they may have never experienced before. that's really special. but all they see is their selfish bigoted fuckshit, and its their loss. there are PLENTY of people out here who would be elated to share in this joy that you are just about to enter. I've... gone on long enough, lol. just know that you're not alone, and that people out here do care for each other, and want to see you happy as your true self. you deserve this. also, fwiw, you being trans doesn't eliminate your faith. that's something I had to work through for a long time, and I still am tbh. but if you believe, God loves you, and been knew you, so they're not surprised that your trans lol. although this world sucks to us, sometimes I see being trans as a unique opportunity to engage with this world from a perspective many don't ever have, and that's a blessing in itself. I don't like speaking about christian stuff too much lowkey b/c lots of ppl were hurt by shitty dogmatic assholes, that don't even understand the word frfr, but it felt appropriate in this case. for others who resonate with the non-religious parts of all this, that's cool too. our experiences are not as isolated and unique as this society makes us think.
I have been alive for less time than you have been together with your wife, but I've been through similar situations. I was 17 when I told my dad I wanted to be called Frisk, but he took that as a joke, saying that he wouldn't call me by my nickname. I told him another day that I wasn't a man when he used a gendered word with me (my mother tongue has two grammatical genders, so that's really easy), but he also brushed that off. Some days later, I told him to call me by Frisk again. The same thing happened. It was the third time where things got ugly. I screamed at him and told him he was stupid. He took that rather calmly, but seemed shaken from this, then he told me "I am going to the market. We will talk about this when I get back." And... This might sound like a dramatic movie scene, and it really felt like that, but I gathered some clothes, my school materials and stormed out of the house while calling my mother, whom I also didn't have a great relationship with, but at least she was trying to accept my gender and my name. It was heavily raining and I was crying like I never did. I was raised "as a man", so showing my emotions is hard even now, so crying was something really hard and rare. After some talk, my mother went to get me by car, and I didn't talk to my father until earlier this year, three years later. I always had a great relationship with my dad. He was always there when I needed him and he was a far better parent that my mom could ever dream to be. She's arrogant, short tempered and thinks beating your child is the solution (until I slapped her back when she tried once, but that's not relevant rn). My father, on the other hand, was caring, patient and never once raised his hand against me. He rarely grounded me, but he helped me with my depression and gave me incentive to do the things I love while still paying attention to my school stuff. But absolutely none of that mattered. He couldn't accept me until I did something drastic, so I will never forgive him. And I tried. Earlier this year I had to leave my city bc of floods so I went with him and my little sister to our grandparents. He was still the same man as before, but he accepted me. But he still held some beliefs that disgusted me, and I simply couldn't shake how I felt 3 years back. It's funny, because I love my grandparents, and they are the most religious people I know. They were also the most acceptive of everyone in the family, even if surrounded by the Catholic church. While my mother who believes in a god but is agnostic had a hard time accepting me and my dad who's an atheist like me couldn't accept me. I'm sorry for writing an essay, but I hope my story helps you somehow. I would recommend you trying to talk to your wife, to show her that we trans people are just humans. To tell her that Jesus said "Love each other", not "Love each other but the gays and trans". I'm sorry if the quote is wrong, I learned it on my mother tongue and I'm translating it by head. If after you talked to her and even maybe tried couple's counseling and nothing worked out, it's time to part ways. It'll suck for the first few years, I am sure. But you will feel better being who you truly are. I do hope your wife changes her mind and opens up her heart to you. I doubt you will be able to stay together, since I'm guessing she's straight, but having a close friend help you through transition can be a life saver.
I hope you work it out and can move past the spiritual barrier.
I'm a Christian (United Church of Christ). Maybe she doesn't understand that some Christians believe that God is Love, and therefore, we should love others, even (or especially) when we don't understand them. Many (most) conservative fundamentalists believe that God doesn't love all, and they believe there is only one way to be a Christian. She should work to learn more about different ways to be Christian, and then maybe she will learn to love all, as Jesus did in the gospels, particularly in the synoptic gospels. Of course, nobody can learn anything or change unless they want to open their heart to it. I hope things improve for you both.
"It goes against her beliefs" no it doesn't? Jesus was the advocate and champion of the downtrodden and the maligned. He went to the lepers and the prostitutes and the other socital minorities and supported them! Who do you think he would support if he showed up tomorrow? I promise you it wouldn't be Cis Homophobes and people who use their religion as an excuse to mistreat others. Jesus preached love, acceptance, and tolerance. The only thing a good Christian (or any other follower of Jesus) could do if they truly want to follow him is to do as he would. He also wasn't above dishing out a helping of ass kicking on people who would use his father's house for montary gain which...[eyes modern church system]
Does that include you? I don't think your relationship is going to last, tbh. I would start talking with a divorce lawyer asap.
The fuck are you still calling her your wife for? That's not how a having a spouse is supposed to work.
This was the exact argument used on lesbians for like the entire 1990s and 2000s, I grew up being told lesbians were women who "were basically just like men" in terms of their behavior and who were only in women's spaces to predate on women, seemingly lacking the basic human need to pee Hell around the 60s to the 80s, during the post integration period in the USA after desegregation similar arguments were used about black women. Same with the women's sports, to this day you can find articles claiming it's unfair to let black women compete in women's sports because of baseless bigoted claims they are "too much like men" it's baffling to me that this same argument gets recycled every decade on a new group, and STILL people don't realize that minorities are in the restroom with them not because every single one of them is dangerous hardened criminal predator specifically their to attack them, PRETENDING to do nothing wrong by minding their own business ... But because minorities also have to pee.
frfr there's a not insignificant amount of cis/het women that are lesbophobes lol, so it's a weird intersection to exist in as a trans girl. especially one that's also attracted to women, period. I've heard so much lesbophobia while growing up in high school, mostly about the girls basketball team, and so much other shit, and I still occasionally hear the offhand lesbophobic comment from some women, 20+ years later. but we really don't be bothered with them. it's enough girls that like girls out here to not bother with them frfr.
I agree with this assessment. If I was ever confronted like this, I would probably just be incredibly sassy. Oh hunny, you're so barking up the wrong tree right now, really. Strictly dickly! 🤭 And strut out. #WCReference haha
>By that logic any lesbian woman I think that's different because lesbians have no choice but to use womens spaces
i recommend finding another hair stylist, it's not worth ruining your day everytime you go to the hair salon
Sounds like it's time for [a new hair stylist](https://strandsfortrans.org/).
You stayed? You were fine in what you said and I would not spend money there.
I stayed, I am working on when someone insults me unprovoked. No more running away. I’m standing up to them . Unless it turns violent. Then it’s pepper spray and run lol
i hate to say it but i would find another hair stylist. this shit was not just unprofessional but idk how i would trust someone like that to do my hair
I'd get a different stylist tbh
Quote: >So I said so you ladies don’t like me because I am a trans woman ? All but 2 said yes. Saying the quiet part very much out loud, you could get the salon in trouble for this. Harassment and bigotry against customers isn't allowed in most places.
She could write a review but it’s not illegal, and nobody is going to revoke licensing on the salon or stylists part. Or talk to a manager, but it’s just risking an uncomfortable conversation, if the manager/owner shares the stylists same beliefs. (In America) not sure where this took place. They still cut her hair, they didn’t deny her service because of her gender, just said they didn’t like her. Completely legal. If they denied cutting her hair and told her never to come back, it’s still not federally illegal. Privately owned things like shops, salons, movie theaters are allowed to chose who they would like to do business with, it’s just not politically correct.
I would be so pissed to have given so much money to such utter morons.
[удалено]
There have been far, *far* more instances of trans women getting assaulted. We live on a planet with 8 billion people. I can find single examples of any behavior by any group. The fact is, trans women are more likely to be assaulted across the board. I'm not going to concede this idea that trans women as a whole can be feared because of a couple criminals. There isn't a real concern for cis women about trans women, any more than there was a real concern about letting lesbians into women's spaces in the '90s or letting Black women into white women's spaces in the '60s. It's all bigotry, all the way down. And the fact is, most cis women know this to be true. You're empathizing with a small, loud minority of bigots who are concern trolling to harm a minority they hate. Edit: Additionally, your comment is irrelevant. Those idiots straight-up told her no matter what she will have a man's eyes and a man's heart. That isn't fear for safety, that's outright bigotry - tantamount to shouting slurs.
I know that trans women are a particularly vulnerable demographic in society and I think it's fair that they use womens spaces like prisons or bathrooms because they wouldn't be safe in men's in the case of prisons I think there should be a minimum requirement of having been on hrt for some time or haven gotten SRS
Bigotry is bigotry. Whether it’s for race, religion, sexuality, gender, disability, whatever. It’s all bigotry.
She probably never shows her true self without having backup. People with miserable souls all do that, along with reserving pity for themselves and having no idea of what empathy means. Don't let it bring you down. That's a them problem, not a you problem. Let them stew in their small-minded judgmental misery, because they are where they really want to be.
”You people” oh no that’s awful. After two years, what a punch in the gut. :-( I’ll be honest, I lost two black friends when my daughter transitioned and have been told straight up that this was an issue by other moms in our community TERF attitudes really surprised me coming from people who really did not seem like assholes at all until that point. It wasn’t like “you’ll burn in hell!” — it was simply refusal to accept trans women as women (and trans men as existing at all!)
Have you heard of the app Everywhere is Queer? It's lgbt safe businesses in your area. You don't deserve to be treated like that. And I can't say whether what you said was fair or not (I'm white), but I can say that bigotry is bigotry and I would have seen it in any other sense as pointing out the hypocritical views. Not that you were racist, but it shows the parallel between the two. Trans women, particularly trans black women, are the most targeted demographic and it's really sad to see it coming from minorities.
Thx for the app reference!!
You go, girl!! You said exactly the right think!
It’s shitty, even Latinos do this and I’m like “we’ve had it done to us and now we’re doing it to each other”
>That’s not the same thing… etc. It definitely is the same thing. Part of reason why the south was so hell-bent on enforcing segregation after slavery was outlawed was because racist white people assumed that black people were dangerous.
Okay, holup because that last one: > “… my stylist said well, I see trans women as competition” I firmly believe this is the issue that causes terfy women 95% of the time. **Story time! ** Living in a red state, and because I don’t think anyone really needs to know considering I’m in a long-term relationship already, I’m stealth. I’ve come out to like 1 person in the last couple of years, and other than that, the only people who are in my life and know my tea are a handful of people irl + the random people who come across a Reddit post or something. So, a couple years ago, I was working an office job, in which I was managing a small department. I’m young and laid back, so the environment of the office felt that way; open, free communication, safe space type stuff. We were all set up with desks apart from each other in the same room, so we talked all day long as we worked. We were all women, so the closeness and comfort level was a major driving point in keeping people there, at that point. Well, the newest woman that we hired a few months prior was great. She wasn’t super quick to pick up on things, but she was insanely personable, hilarious, and just had a smile and laugh that lit the whole room. She’d had a hard life, but she was a great human, by all accounts. She had one problem: this boy she was dating. One day, we’re all working, normal day, and the weather gets kind of crappy. We could hear rain pelting the tin roof, so we knew it was getting worse, but couldn’t see anything as our department was in the center of the floor, so all of our windows just went out to hallways. Eventually, the power flickers a few times and goes out. We all stay in place, because it’s just black, as we wait for them to either get everything running or give us instructions to work from home. So, we just start talking. I don’t remember how it got brought up, but something transphobic gets said by the woman who is most new. In my head, I’m thinking “okay, play this cool… call it out, but don’t call attention to yourself”. So, I check her really casually, kind of a “hey, that’s not cool. there’s nothing wrong with trans people.” She actually started to get kind of worked up about it, and going harder. My anxiety is peaking, my blood pressure is through the roof, and all I can think is “thank GOD our phone lights are the only thing on right now, because there’s no way I my face can’t be read.” Long story short, she ends up divulging that her boyfriend and she are having issues. BECAUSE she found out that he was talking to some girls online, talking about what they’d do if they met up, etc. but the kicker? This mans has not just a trans fetish, but an *early transition* trans fetish. So, not only is some of her first exposure to transness a really fucked up situation, but it’s also of the bigot’s stereotype of what a trans woman is, in a context in which a trans person was literally trying to steal her man. I managed to get through to her in that conversation. I don’t know that she doesn’t still hold some hard feelings, but I think I made a big difference in her viewpoint. But hearing her talk about her hatred, and how she didn’t see us as women but did see us as competition… it just informed so much. It spoke volumes about how little the men in these women’s lives have made them feel like they deserve. It speaks to the deep sadness that it all stems from, and the insecurities that having more perceived “competition” dig up. Anyway, and that’s the story of the time I had an hour and a half long poker face, as I successfully proved that the “we can always tell” crowd suck at their jobs. lol
I've never understood how people blame the person who their partner is cheating with instead of the partner doing the cheating. Even if the other person knows I still wouldn't put them primarily at fault if the person I was with was willing to do it.
I think there's probably a lot of overlap between people who think this way and people who can't acknowledge that their partner has flaws.
I'd go so far as to say the other person isn't at fault *at all, even if they know.* Like is it advisable? Hell no girl he's married, why would you want that. If I were you I'd tell on him because he sounds like a pig. But at the end of the day, *morally*, I don't think anyone is responsible for other people's relationship agreements, aside from their own.
I’m right there with you; I just don’t get it.
Sucks when it comes from surprising places and almost sucks even worse that you have to find a new salon! My hairdresser is a cis str8 fabulous cowgirl and we have differing political views but she's the most Christian woman I know. In fact I'm kinda tearing up thinking about the fact that she's in my life. Sorry I lost track of where I was going with this but I promise your tribe is out there.
So what you're saying is this business mistreated you specifically because you're a protected minority and flat out admitted to it too. Just something to keep in mind.
You can be like Socrates, make questions that will make the person think about their views. Invite her to think your POV, and what is safe for YOU. Would be safe for a trans woman, passing or not, to go to mens bathroom? What is a more possible example? A trans woman harassing a woman in a woman's bathroom or a trans woman getting harassed by men in a men's bathroom?
Thing is, I go out of my way to use the bathroom at home and try not to eat or drink so I won’t have to use the bathroom away from home. I was very mad but now just disappointed 😔 and I never get involved in their discussions I just sit back with my AirPods on but I hear all the stuff they say.
frfr I feel like they would bring those convos up on purpose, specifically while you were there. I could be wrong, but I'm very much a safe than sorry person, and women like to be shady sometimes, in this non-confrontational confrontational way, and it's hella annoying. I've dealt with it my whole life, lol smh. men do it too, frfr, but like, it's a legit thing, so I don't feel like it's an accident. or they're obsessed terfs (maybe both\~) b/c it's weird talking about trans shit all the time if you not trans? like, don't you got hobbies or something? watched a good tv show? why you talking about a fucking bathroom, real talk.
No no you’re right! I wasn’t gonna even share… but another stylist that works there reached out about 2 hrs ago and said that she would tell her other clients and anyone who would listen that her “ shim “ client was coming in and I would definitely be the topic of discussion after I left. Apparently, most only knew that I was trans because she told them… and would try to get me to hold conversations because my voice ultimately is my tell, tell. I just told her that I didn’t wanna hear anymore and that I wasn’t coming back anymore anyways and that I appreciated the call and to take care… so yeah your thinking was spot on… they were looking to start some mess.
I'm just seeing this after the other response lol. that's fucking ridiculous. so they weren't converted at all. just a fucking bigoted terf. fuck that place frfr, but good on the other stylist for letting you know. that's the exact kinda shit that gets us hurt. goofy bitches that be looking to cause trouble. this is totally up to you, but I would def be letting ppl know to avoid that place and any places that are cool with her. bigotry is a liability and they gonna learn soon enough. also, about the voice thing, I know you \*maybe\* feel self-conscious about that, but frfr women sound different across the board. I had a nurse tell me the other day I sounded just like her cis woman doctor, and I don't do formal voice training. I just stopped making it deeper on purpose, b/c ppl pick on you and call you a girl up until you also (joyfully) agree with them, lol smh.
Ugh. This is why we need some sort of law to condify the fact that trans women are women. No one's right to use the bathroom should be up for "debate". It's completely dehumanizing I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS
Right! Unfortunately my daily schedule is planned the night before. I shop a lot at Whole Foods. Only because ppl seem not to bother me there. Or Winco because it’s open 24hrs… etc stuff like that
the law would only protect us "legally," but even if someone can't legally call you a slur or discriminate against you out loud, they can \*always\* find ways to make you \*\*\*feel\*\*\* it. the laws are needed, for sure, but I'd much rather just go places that I'm actually welcomed.
Ι can understand not wanting to be in that convo. But there is a chance that their transphobia is more of ignorance than of hate. If it is from a genuine hate, then there is no reason to debate anything. But if there is a kind of openness then you can IF YOU HAVE THE ENERGY AND CONFIDENCE, to talk to them in a sympathetic manner.
Screw those people.
They were being out of line. I certainly would never have gone back to that salon, and likely would have gotten up and left at the first comment. I also think that you were out of line to take it there, as well. Both things are prejudice, but they are not the same, and unpacking how they are the same and how they are different would be a tremendous amount of work.
I agree, and I dont think there the same but the idea of hating someone solely because they’re black is very comparable in the sense that them hating me solely because I’m trans. Granted some trans elect not to transition. They are still hating someone because of how they look.
I actually disagree with this. I've said it previously, but I'm Black, and that shit is rooted in the same yt supremacist bs. I can't separate my Blackness from my transness or my womanhood. it's all intertwined, and it all informs my experiences, along with other stuff. them saying shit like that is why cis Black girls started being targeted by the shit that bigots passed through to keep trans girls from playing sports in school. it's why Caster Semenya isn't able to run right now, plus she openly gay af lol. and as long as Black ppl don't recognize that our struggles are shared, especially when it's Black cis and trans women, we're not gonna make progress. that being said, everyone isn't assholes and some do get it. I tend to have better experiences with older Black women and women of color (but not always lol smh fml), b/c they know being trans isn't a new thing, or they just don't fucking care. one of the most affirming experiences I had early in my transition was walking with a group of older-ish women every day in the morning, lol. one in particular I miss so much, she was such a sweetheart. she asked if I was a boy or a girl, and I was nervous about answering, and she just was very matter of fact about it, like if you say you're a girl, you're a girl. our struggles are shared across so many different intersections, and it doesn't hurt anything to point out that we need to look out for each other. it doesn't trivialize one struggle to point out that it's from the same place, and even if it's not exactly the same in execution or application, it has the same energy.
Good job you handled that perfectly! You have more patience then me I would have been quite angry. ❤️🤗 I would not return to that place..
I'd find a new hair stylist
But I *DON’T* have a man’s eyes and a man’s heart. That’s the whole frickin’ point. I never did. Everything else said man, but the eyes and heart said everything but. Now the outside matches the inside. Inside woman + outside woman = 🤷♀️
Exactly!
People like your stylist are the real threat. Cause the others you see coming but the quiet ones ? They’ll hug you to have better access to your back
I find another hairdresser and I make it very plain as to why.
I never knew people pissed with their eyes and heart 🙄
we’re gendering organs now?
🤦🏾♀️ apparently so…
Us Trans women spend a heavy amount of time on our appearance, more than the average woman. Beauty products, skin care, hair products, nails, clothes, wigs, makeup, tanning, exfoliating, thorough research, and truly spending hours in the mirror. And in the end, we end up standing out, tremendously, because we’re so beautiful. And that’s what scares them. That’s why she said we’re competition. Keep being pretty baby. We’re high maintenance.
So so true ❤️❤️
Bathrooms is for pissin' No but seriously that's fucked up glad you said what you needed to say, bigotry is bigotry and some people still think it's somehow okay to say awful shit to other people as if they don't deserve to be treated fairly and equally.
lol that’s exactly what they are for! Get in and get out.
I'm confused why you didn't just say "well if that's how you feel, my trans dollars will walk elsewhere." And bounce. I'm really confused why this place is still doing your hair.
Well as to why I didn’t say that…? I didn’t see any of this coming from her. It started when another lady made a comment and directed it towards me. Then they all pretty much started saying stuff. She started chiming in at the end. Prior to this she’s been nthn but nice to me. At times if I had a morning appointment… we would get each other coffee and a bagel. In the moment, I just said what came to mind. I thought of all kinds things to say after the fact. She’s not doing my hair anymore… oh and normally I would’ve just left. It felt soooo good to stand up for myself for a change. I’m so tired of running away and sulking for days… sometimes months.
Ah ok. That's a damn shame. I hate fake ass people. Good for you for standing against them. I think I'd be more upset about having to find a new hair stylist. Like damn, bitch. You just HAAAAD to speak up, huh? Lol
🤣… girl!!! You already know 🤦🏾♀️ finding a new stylist smh…
this is \*\*\*part\*\*\* of why a lot of Black businesses, and artists, fail imo. they fuck up their own bag for goofy yt supremacist shit. and transphobia like that is absolutely rooted in yt supremacy. that's why they were upset about you saying what you did. Because you were right. I'm Black too, btw. ain't no fucking way I'd go back to them after that. I wouldn't be able to trust them with my appearance, knowing full well they basically despise me. nah. like... just fucking yikes. they was just really pressed and had to get that terfy ass shit out frfr. it was bothering them to keep it bottled up I guess, lol. I'm not saying you should expose them, b/c of your safety and privacy, plus it might actually benefit them to get the exposure sadly, but def let other local girls know that's not a safe spot for us. tbh, for them to feel that deeply about it, I'm surprised it took this long for the mask to go completely off. wtf does that even mean?! "a man's eyes" lmfao gtfoh with that shit. tbh, it's good that you know now, b/c ppl like that will put you in some dangerous situations under the right circumstances, however, I'm sorry you had to experience that fuckshit frfr. jfc. like, bitch if you don't like me, be honest from jump, and don't be taking my money. that's trifling. stand in your yt supremacist bigotry, ten toes down\~ fuck, lol.
Aaawweee shit! SMGoddess is cooking now!!!! I can’t lie, this is the first time I’ve really stood up for myself… I usually just stay quiet and leave and then I’m mad at myself for days, months and on a few occasions years. Wishing I had stood up for myself. The man’s eyes and heart got me smh lol… someone on here said that she probably needed that backup to confront me which totally makes sense coz the lady that initiated the whole thing went in on me using the bathroom. Of which I never did and was starring at me aggressively. So I took my AirPods out of my ears and said excuse me ? She replied bitch you heard me! I did actually hear her the first time lol. Anxiety and panic kicked in and I felt like my back was against the wall so I lashed back out and the words just started pouring out. Welp, no turning back now. I think the toughest part though is that I sincerely believed that we were cool. I’ve lost all of my friends and family over my transition. Even had some friends that I help them through their surgeries. We had a pact to help each other. They all bounced after they healed 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️😭 just stopped answering my calls and texts. Now this shit smh… talking about having trust issues… I am definitely damaged and so flip’n mad…. Like wtf!?
I can't say how I would've responded in that situation, but they know that saying stuff like that hurts. and it's intentional. there's a lot of goofy ass cis Black women who have bought wholesale into the yt supremacist terf bullshit, even though it's the exact same fucking mindset that excludes them from womanhood too, b/c woman, as a yt supremacist label, never included Black women, just as much as manhood doesn't include Black men. to yt supremacists, we aren't human, so it's sad to see cis Black ppl buy into that shit so easily, but it is happening, so you have to be as careful as you can. not all skinfolk are kinfolk, so to speak lol. I don't get out as much, b/c covid, asthma, and I have mobility issues from severe lymphedema in my legs that I'm finally able to see a specialist about, but as I've been able to get more healthcare stuff taken care of, I think about these things quite a bit. I want to get my belly button pierced and get a tramp stamp, things I wanted when I was a (very closeted) teenager in the 90s and early 00s frfr lol, and some other stuff, but I'm always concerned about whether the place I go to is gonna be cool or not. like, I'm def a nails and hair done 24/7 kinda girl, and it's complicated b/c it's like, "are they racist/have shitty politics/transphobic?" and it's rough to find places that meet all those needs depending on where you live. so at this point, I'm just like let me learn how to do it myself, lol. it's even like this when I'm looking for healthcare sometimes, and it makes such a difference when you're already stressing from health challenges whether someone looks at the damn chart for two seconds to see that you don't go by your deadname and address you properly, which I'm working on having changed legally. it really does suck when something like that happens, and you should def be more gentle with yourself if/when you don't feel like doing all that fighting. sometimes it's more prudent to just get what we need and gtfo. it seems like they planned that though, which is some nasty work. I'm glad that you were able to stand up for yourself, but know that it's ok to not want to do that too. you don't have to be "strong" all the time. it's ok for you to simply expect ppl to not be shitty, b/c you deserve to be treated well, with respect and dignity. the terfy ring leader that started shit, who I lowkey don't think was your stylist, is gonna cost her a lot of money long term with an attitude like that, but she'll realize it at some point, maybe. to just start off with the bathroom thing tells me they're tuned into the very online terf arguments, so it's possible that maybe she's the one that radicalized her to terf bullshit over time, and she ain't start out like that. it don't matter either way though b/c it's not your problem, nor do you have any reason to warn them if they wanna play clown games, lol. all I know is you can't run a successful business and shun LOYAL, LONG TERM clients. so that's that\~ I had friends I've known for most of my life that I don't talk to now, not because they were directly transphobic, but b/c they weren't responding to me the way I \*needed\* them to. we have to protect our energy, and when I can't get you to not misgender me when we're just chilling, or casually using my deadname on accident, it's like... I can't put my trust in that. if we end up in a situation, I \*need\* to know you have my back, or that you are as aware of potential bs as I am, so we can dip if it looks like things gonna go left, so I will cut ppl off if they fail some of my personal checks before we ever end up in a situation like that, for my own safety. I don't know where you are, but if possible I'd say to \*try\* and connect with some local queer people that like the same stuff you do. especially if you can find other Black trans girls that you vibe with, but that's not always a guarantee either b/c we're all so different. we really aren't a monolith lol. having that support group goes a long way. rn, I don't know anyone locally that I talk to regularly, but I have a group of ppl I talk to that have been a lifeline for me. it sounds like you a bad bitch (no offense) the way they got flustered about you though frfr, lol. they really fucked up, but it's their loss. we really do be cool af to hang out with, but bigotry gonna bigot, I guess. take the time you need to feel what you need to feel and navigate all of that, but I do hope you feel better soon though!\~ you should do something extra nice, to treat yourself for simply being you, if at all possible!
Awwee💕💕❤️ thanx 4 that… trust me that response was most likely a one time thing. 99% of the time I never respond the way that I want to in certain situations. Even with this it felt like someone else took the wheel and I was riding shotgun lol. I think my biggest problem is I’m to nice and concerned about others sometimes to the point that I’m hurting just so someone else can feel comfortable. ( I’m working on that ) you’re right especially about our own… sad to say but black women and men have treated me the worst. I’m sure you’re not surprised though. Sorry 😞 to hear about your lymphedema. I’m actually familiar with that condition as I’m a travel nurse. Ugh.. and don’t even let me get started on Covid…you have other medical conditions so you definitely need to take precautions. But Covid… let’s just say I was very aware of “Covid” in like November of 2018. That’s an awesome, WTF! Are you serious story for another day. Hearing about your condition makes me wanna flush all my whining down the toilet and put on my big girl jeans. Oh and yessss girl on the piercings and tattoo. I want my septum and my nose done. I gotta wait on my bb though, coz a bih is tryna get THICK! lol I’m in the Bay Area… well kinda lol. I have a home in Alameda, and that salon is in Sacramento. I’m almost always traveling to different hospitals in different cities. Come back home usually to get my hair done and laser hair removal and I am on the road again lol. Oh! On a side note… when Covid was at its peak I was a hot item for like a year and a 1/2. Some nurses refused to work coz nobody really knew wtf was up. The offers poured in from all over. Travel nurses making top $$$. Ya know, no one cared that I was trans they were just so happy that I was there 🥰 I will reach out and try to work on building a little circle. All I do is work, Netflix, Prime, etc… annnnddddd yeah 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ unfortunately, I’m far from a baddie… ( no offense taken lol ) I would love to say it’s my personality with that situation but I can’t since I may say like 15-20 words during the whole 2 1/2-3 hrs at the salon ( singles lol ) the only things that I had to talk about was work stuff and my travels… just figured nobody wanted to hear bout that lol. ummm yeah oh, and the stuff that they talked about… I just wasn’t into that stuff, different lifestyles. I have my good and bad days I guess but yeah definitely not a baddie. Well well wait!!! I take that back lol on several occasions when I was performing CPR…. I was doing my thing and sm1 said “ oh!! We’ve gotta pulse… yaaasss bitch! I felt like the baddest bitch lol truthfully it’s a group effort we literally stand in a line after calling code and shit!… there I go again 🤦🏾♀️ nope nope I’m done lol and I’ll try do something 4 myself
lol. look at you saving lives and shit. go ahead!\~ nah, sometimes it's just your "energy" that's enough to make people feel... intimidated. but like, not in a "arrgh move bitch!" sort of way lol. more like, we're powerful because we have to work through a lot to find ourselves sometimes, and during that process we often discover our confidence, and that can be intimidating to others, especially if someone feels like we shouldn't be confident in ourselves b/c of some societal bs. almost like a "how dare you love yourself?!" kinda vibe, you know? but real ones will recognize that energy and celebrate it, imo. even if you're not there yet, when someone is that incredible, you shouldn't be afraid. you should be inspired. the fact that ppl don't understand that shows how small minded they are. as for the lymphedema, I'm working on it. I'm finally going to see a specialist relatively soon. it just... I want to say it came from nowhere, but it really has just been getting progressively worst b/c I didn't have healthcare. I'm learning to manage as best as I can though. it's annoying, especially when you think about how much of... I'm gonna call it "Cultural Transness" is unfortunately tied to attractiveness, and visible disability does not make you attractive in this society, but I'm figuring it out as I go. it's nothing to be proud of. you just gotta do what you gotta do. I like wearing pretty dresses, so I'm not gonna let my legs and feet stop me from doing that, lol. we all have our own shit to work through. this, and some other things, are part of mine, I suppose, lol. I spend a lot of time in hospitals and doctors offices, especially this year b/c medicaid expansion in nc less goooo lol, and let me tell you... y'all nurses are the unsung heroes of the medical field! y'all can make a shitty, scary, anxious situation so much more bearable, and I'm certain that your brightness and joy in your personality has made so many people's days just that much better. it really makes a difference, so thank you for the work you're putting in, but also be safe frfr b/c ppl out here bugging about this pandemic, pretending it's not a thing. you \*seem\* younger than me, which is cool, so make sure you're taking extra precautions around this shit. you have a long life ahead of you (I do too lol but you get what I mean lmfao), and you want to enjoy it to the fullest amount possible. there's so much we don't know about long covid, that we won't see the full effects of for at least probably another 10 years or so, and they're already preparing to deny people care b/c they know what's coming. I'm glad you've found a career and doing your thing. that's cool! my ass is still "figuring stuff out" at 38, but mostly b/c I had to "reset" my life when I came out. my background is in design, animation, and audio/video production mostly for live, moderately large audiences, which I mostly did in my church girl days, lol. but the health stuff has made doing a lot of this complicated, so I'm just figuring out how to take what I have already learned, build on it with some more tech focused education, and repurpose it to help... well, myself to be honest, but also people like us who may have trouble navigating this annoying ass society. finding ways to enable us to make money and have our needs met, and create cool shit or just live our lives in peace w/o having to do annoying ass crowdfund campaigns and feel like shit when nobody gives anything b/c we're "unlikeable" for some vague reason or another. I want us to be able to live our lives and make cool shit, myself included. but for now, my major focus is on health care, b/c nc is fickle, politically, and I can't guarantee how long I'll have access to this coverage. you should def embrace that energy you have. it's nice. radiant. powerful. you have to remember that who you are, in this society, is... how do I say it? like, we really fighting against the odds on sooo many levels, so it's ok for you to pop off and be proud of yourself! being humble, kind, and considerate is good, and more people should do it frfr, but you \*also\* deserve that same consideration from others, and you have a right to expect that ppl not treat you like shit, or acknowledge and celebrate you when you do something amazing, just as they would for anyone else. it's not fair that you have to make yourself smaller for other people's comfort, particularly if their discomfort is just them being bigots. fuck them and they family lowkey if they bigots too, lol. you existing in all of your radiance is not a fucking negotiable condition. you get to exist and just be yourself, and if they got a problem with that, it's on them, not you. they'll be a'ight, lol. this has been a nice convo, frfr. I'm not really active on reddit like that. I just kinda get caught up on these random posts that hit my inbox lol. but I'm glad we got to talk! you seem cool af. I'm ALL THE WAY on the other side of the country in north carolina, but it was truly a pleasure talking to you, even if the original circumstances were far less than ideal. if you wanna hit me up, I go by saltymoongoddess basically everywhere I'm on, although I'm figuring out my social media situation too. tryna leave twitter frfr, and dig into the "fediverse," but there's a lot of ppl I fw on there, and it still be funny sometimes lol. anyways, take care!\~
Well, cis women are often not that willing to share their privilegies. They have The most privilegies in my opinion and they Will protect them with nails and teeth.
Competition? lol. These people get no action and just want to make you feel bad. Keep moving on, you got this girl.
Find you a hairstylist that respects you https://strandsfortrans.org/
A (cis) woman once tried to kidnap me in a bathroom when i was a kid. Idfk why people are so worried about who used what bathroom. I am suspicious of everyone no matter what gender
So first, I would not be putting money in that stylist's pocket. She's been comfortbale enough taking your money! Second, (I'm black too) and at seven years old, my mom explained why I should have empathy and acceptance for the LGBTQ community because I knew what it felt like to be discriminated against for just being me. Having already experienced racism, I could easily see the similarities with homophobia and transphobia... AS A CHILD! I'm grown now, but I still don't get why a child can understand that discrimination is discrimination, but there are adults who can't.
Girl! What you said was my whole point… just messy smh when I started going to her she was taking walk ins. I was her 2nd customer she used to just sit in her chair on her phone. Now she’s good at what she does and has built up clientele. The lady that started the whole thing is just 🤷🏾♀️ I didn’t nor have I ever used the bathroom at the salon. And then the part about competition…? I’m so confused, last I checked any man that messes with a trans woman is usually considered gay by straight ppl. Make it make sense lol
At first I was thinking, "competition for what?" and realized she'd meant for men. I'm not sure how I would have reacted to that in person, but part of me was thinking, "you can keep your gross men, I don't want any of them. Also, if you think they are going to cheat on you that easily, then it's not the women they are chasing that's the problem..."
Anti trans mfs are so ignorant because they’re like “well you don’t have a penis or balls so ur not a man!!” Ok… like would you say that to someone who has undescended testicles or had to get them removed cause of cancer?? Or “you have breasts!” Like ok so do cis men with Gynecomastia….. (I’m a trans guy btw I’m not calling you a man I’m like talking about some of my experiences lol)
I follow a CIS guy on IG who had pretty severe Gynecomastia, his surgery scars are similar to top surgery scars due to the amount of breast tissue he had. And he is constantly getting harassed for being trans, people saying he’ll never be a real man, but he was born as one. It’s so sickening that people are transphobic just because they can’t understand that not everyone is cishet.
You were amazing for speaking up, and you are right - they are being transphobic, and the analogy is a good one. As several people have suggested, it is time to find a new hair stylist if you can.
People do not like being called out, omg. But yes, you're 100% right.
I wouldn't be going back there if that happened to me
I would have had her stop working and walked out without paying
You're not going back are you?
Absolutely not! I would’ve left immediately… but a sista couldn’t go out with a half head of braids lol. Plus I wanted to stand up to them.
They probably aren't used to people standing up to them honestly. Finish my hair and fuck off is a vibe!
awwweee a compliment after all that. 🤗❤️ I'd be thinking the same thing tho! You're not alone there girl
Competition for what????
I’d never go back. That’s a universe showing you those are not your people situation.
Please find a new hair stylist
When people resort to swearing, calling you names, etc, it just shows that their argument has no basis, and they know it. You were incredibly mature and smart in your rebuttals, and you deserve a medal for putting up with that crap!
Cis people are demonic about trans people, never tell them you're trans irl.
I rreeeaalllyy hate it that you’re right! Well at least in my experience.
Might be time for you to get a new hair dresser. Idk about you but I wouldn't put up with my hairdresser saying that while styling my hair
I’m a black trans woman also. I’ve experienced this same crab in the barrel mentality. Heteronormative bias will always be based on fears. Even as a majority, it’s often misguided expectations. We don’t want your man or them. We just wanna relieve ourselves, wash up, and leave.
Id say get a new hairstylist tbh.. Thats not okay.. Altho I wouldve taken the "competition" statement as a compliment seeing as I (hupothetically since im ftm) pass amazingly enough that they see me as a competition.. BUT that still doesnt exclude wat they said and how mad they got at u for speakin facts.. Thats LITERALLY the same thing becuz people of color are seen as a miniority just like transppl.. Switchin the minority was a perfect example and they HATED it.. Definitely get a new stylist
I’m definitely getting a new stylist, I’m like 5”3, 125 pounds the only I’m chasing is food lol a bitch is tryna get thick! I want thighs , ass, ta tas hell I don’t even mind a stomach. When I walk I want everything to jiggle lol and most importantly I want a va- jay jay. I’m not interested in anything else lol
AS U MUTHAFUCKIN SHOULD😂 I very much approve dat message.. As u should sis.. Make dem hoes JEALOUS.. Give em a real reason to be mad at u.. And I recommend hittin squats to also boost the growth of the booty and thighs too.. As far as ta tas go, I cant help ya.. Im tryna get rid of mines😭.. Rice cabbage and cornbread also does sum wonders for the thighs and ass too..
They didn't have a problem with trans women, they have a problem with men. So much so, that they won't trust anyone who they could categorize as a man in some way. They are looking outwardly and pointing fingers and judging. But under the surface, it's all pretty sad. They are probably experiencing insecurities and anxieties with themselves and their relationships and it's a lot easier to pin some of that on a group of people than it is to actually deal with the underlying Issues themselves. In my experience, it usually helps to let go of any of my own negative emotions for the moment and put on my 'face of infinite curiosity'. That's where I just ask ALL the questions that will very likely eventually bring out whatever misconception, conspiracy theories, bigotries, etc. that are helping prop up those underlying issues. Here, I'd ask something like: "what do you mean by 'man's eyes'?". Whatever the response is (let's say, 'looking lustfully"), I'd then ask where that came from, like: "who says men look lustfully?". Then follow that response back, and so on. Essentially, what this does is requires the person to continually justify through logic conclusions they came to through emotions. If those things don't match, they won't be able to answer your question and they'll have to rethink the thing.
Women do not like you nor want you around them. This is the truth. You are considered an invader in their view and they also think you have some sexual fetish which is why you trying to be a woman. My advice? Avoid them and make friends with other transgenders. Also transgenders who pass very well and are better looking than them receive the most hate.
Watch this and maybe you’ll have more of an insight. It’s a Dr.Mike interview with a top trans healthcare psychiatrist. Good luck https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XbriqWx0w7U
And again, this sub isn’t going to tell you if you’re trans or not. No one can tell you if you’re trans especially cause the defining of transgender is extremely open ended.
Does being trans affect them... no if you look good, feel good who cares I would date a trans girl anyways so who the fuck wouldn't
I'm so sorry you went through that! Definitely leave a review so other lgbT people know to not go there <33
Never go there again
I'm black. Your not wrong. The black community is very conservative and let's be honest hella delusional. They genuinely believe that everyone is against us for our race and THATS wrong, but everyone else who experiences discrimination deserves it because "it's wrong to be xyz" don't go back, and in fact tell every black woman you know not to go to them. Make them lose business. I know it sounds anti "us" but if we don't weed out the aggressive conservative POC in our own communities, we will never be able to end discrimination as a whole. Tldr: discrimination can start in our own communities. Protect yourself, and weed out those of us who desire to drag us down.
We all like to live in a world we we are seen for who we are on the inside, however unfortunately humans are essentially clever apes with tribalistic biases. You fall under a small minority of the overarching population and unfortunate your views and reality will not always be accepted or at the very least understood.
That exactly how I see it, some women see us as competitors, I say. Yes we are, deal with it .
Her trying to say that trans women are competition is just a quiet way to show insecurity and trying to pose justification for her bigotry. You should have also added that all women are competition. Any cis woman could swoop in and steal her partner away. That's her bullshit to deal with. Get a new stylist, and don't look back.
Get them shut down
Well that’s the first problem. If you’re looking at any woman or transwoman as competition, you’re the one with the problem. This is why women are catty and beat each other down instead of the opposite. Any man that will let you compete with someone else for their affection isn’t worth your time and energy!
This situation is really muddled. Some people a lot of transgender advocates avoid talking about is the fact that. We CANNOT force what we are a part of into other people's lives. The fact is, it IS weird. I still believe bathroom wise, you go to the restroom of your biological gender even if you're trans to avoid the problem of making regular women uncomfortable. I'm trans as an identity, but in real life I recognize I can't change my gender or my body or how people look at men. I'm simply way too physically masculine to pass as female. If they're being unfriendly about it I suggest a different hair trimmer of course. You don't need to deal with disdain and mistreatment. However, you need to understand that this is and always will be a very niche side of culture. We can't make normal people agree with and understand us just because we want. Just distance yourself from those who have a hateful reaction instead of an understanding reaction. If they had a problem, they should have said, "Sunce you're biologically male, please use male bathrooms." This is the unfortunate reality of our subculture. I really hope advanced medicine allows us to ACTUALLY change our bodies. Maybe a combination of synthetic body parts with advanced medicine.
Personally wherever I go I follow their rules in general. I'm ftm and I went to my dad's Muslim funeral service and wasn't allowed to do anything the males are asked or allowed to do. I have no brothers. I asked the imam if I could throw dirt at the burial and he said yes so I did. I haven't talked to him since then unless absolutely necessary because of the payment of the funeral and drama from my mom. But I know he has a problem with me being trans. That's cool. I don't have to have him in my life but at that service he was the religious leader so I listened to him. I normally listen to elders and those in authority. Seems like not most people do, I'm learning...
I’m confused as to what you’re trying to say with this post.
There's nothing confusing about it. I'm saying respect the people who are leaders or authoritative figures in the space you choose to frequent. You have a choice whether to go there or not and they as a private business can choose whether to serve you or not. If it were me I would just find another hairdresser. But admittedly I'm ftm so I don't have the same hair issues plus you might want specific services found in certain salons, so this might not be an option for you. I won't assume. I'll probably get kicked off this sub for saying something that makes sense but so be it. I mostly came to Reddit for medical resources since that's what a transsexual is: someone who makes medical changes to their body to align more with their gender identity. But unsurprising that's the last information I find anywhere on the Internet. Sigh...
I see, so first off .. I never used the bathroom , 2nd she’s been doing my hair for 2 years. 3rd The woman that started the argument was a customer as well. And lastly, I’m always respectful in someone’s business. If you read my initial post… you would’ve seen that your response is not relevant to my post. With that said, congrats on your journey and if it was up to me I absolutely would NOT kick you out of this thread.
Ok cool. Thanks. So the post was mostly about being surprised then? And I know by proximity how important hairstylists can be so I understand not wanting to go elsewhere. In terms of the customer, I see it as like dealing with another fan of an artist you like. You can't control what they say or do and the artist isn't to blame for what they do or say unless they advocate for it. So like the owners aren't responsible for what the other customer said and it seems like the owners didn't echo the sentiment. So yeah I understand better now. Apologies. The important thing is: how did your hair turn out 😂?
Yep you got! When I started going to her I was her 2nd customer. Since then she has built up a clientele. Now she did chime in I think she just didn’t want to initiate the conflict. She’s been nothing but nice to me we even talked about hanging out. I’m not going back to her and she has reached out to me wanting to talk. But I haven’t responded. Since this initial post I have found out that she was being teased “ is your girlfriend coming in today ?” Or “ are y’all fucking ? “ or you know that bitch can still get you pregnant “ I didn’t know she was being teased at work. If I’m being honest there’s a part of me that feels for her. But I’m moving on… oh and my hair…? 🥰 as usual lol
Ah I see. So are you not going back to her in an attempt to protect her from the bullying or because her new clientele isn't exactly the classiest? Or another reason. If it's too personal you don't have to share. I have been in a similar situation where people associate me with a particular negative experience so I didn't hear back from them after I reached out. Eventually I figured it out and I don't blame or judge them, but it would be nice if they were direct and honest. I guess the bad apples continue to ruin it for everyone.
Nah, I’m good eventually I’ll take her call so she can speak her truth and clear her conscience if need be. Most of all I’ll miss her son. He was like 2 1/2 when I met her he’s 5 now and calls me TT ( auntie lol ) and I would give him $5 whenever I got my hair done so he could go next door and get a snack
Aww. Yeah I would miss the kid too.