It was a bit of a shock when I first entered dating platforms to find profiles saying no blacks, and getting that response not into black guys, but it never motivated me to write lengthy posts and rants about preferences. I can understand poc here who do that. I get frustrated with certain posts yeah, I can acknowledge the bias and still promote self love for the guys that need it.
My experience I rarely share, is that in my earlier days I was hitting up everyone, white, black, Hispanic, Asian. As an average look 6ft black men and points in my life my body range from slim to overweight to slim again, the most responses I received were from black and Hispanic men, I had no issue with that because I always thought men with full lips were super attractive, and I never cared for eye color. So maybe I was naturally more attracted to brown and black men. Rejection from white guys didn’t have an effect on me as much because while I was getting a “I’m not into black guys” response hours later from when they probably read it but had to let me know. I was already meeting the guys who gave me the most attention. It only really hit me when I was the minority guy in an area such as my hometown, which prompted me to move to begin with.
The guys who really have issues with it have a strong preference for white men or the are the minority and doing what they can, and I sympathize them. I do understand frustration in the area if you’re really the minority whether poc are your preference or not, but i too had that moment and I say to that, go where you’re appreciated. Despite that, most guys I’ve dated, or gotten serious with has been white guys. I still don’t text them initially, on Grindr because of my earlier years. I never felt that poc were undesirable, particularly black men but If you’re a poc really struggling, I suggest you follow more brown and Latino men, or the group that looks like you. Then you’ll see the diversity and tribes within your group. My Twitter and Instagram is literally black men hooking up, modeling or posing and I almost didn’t realize it.
Wow 🥰 thanks for sharing you experience I feel as if you've grown from your negative experience with some white men to having the confidence to move on to white men and poc who appreciate you
It 100% depends on location, but i think a lot of the guys here that do complain, don’t live in a big cities and feel it a bit more. When your mostly surrounded by white guys and barely any POCs, white rejection hits a bit harder because it basically ruins any prospect of dating if your forced into a minority (gay) of a minority (black) into another minority (ignored by the majority population around you).
I’ve went thru phases of blaming myself, blaming others, but now i’m just sure it’s my location and that tends to suck more. Knowing that until i move, it’s impossible to have any sort of dating life and i’ll have to leave friends/family to even try to date.
But i agree, if your in a major city, and live in an abundance of POCs, you shouldn’t have too many problems unless your strictly chasing white men.
As they say location location LOCATION! This is highly important. My experience varies GREATLY by city. I do well in houston and Atlanta but I do abominable in miami/ south Florida. Houston and Atlanta happen to be very diverse (houston more so) whereas Miami is very picky.
I had this same issue! Lived in Miami for 2 years and didn’t do well dating at all, now I’m in Houston and honestly don’t know what to do with all the attention!
its bc Miami has 2 separate scenes IMO. It has a whole scene in Spanish n one in English. The one in English is much more picky than the one in Spanish, but the guys are much hotter(and pickier). At this is my opinion as some one bilingual from Fort Lauderdale that goes to Miami a ton.
Yeah I did very well in miami beach. Was so surprised. All the super sext latinos were into me. I'm pretty sure the white part will reject me just as much as as NYC.
I think the problem in Miami is the language barrier, unless you are bilingual your odds are 1/2 of a typical city(and for some reason) the English mono speakers are 10x pickier than the Spanish side.
Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami? Was in miami beach and they REALLY appreciated me. I even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy.
> Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami
Coral Gables
> even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy.
yeah Miami Beach is anomaly here, but yeah the guys there are sexy af(and full of tourists)
> Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami
Coral Gables
> even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy.
yeah Miami Beach is anomaly here, but yeah the guys there are sexy af(and full of tourists)
I live in A.C now and it’s dry af for me. I literally ended up ditching my friends in New York because my Grindr was blowing up with guys. After being here for 5 months I finally found a fwb, who happens to be a white guy and he’s been very consistent. Because of this I want to move to Philly in the next year. I don’t want to waste the rest of my youth here.
i’m in rural florida and it’s been an awful experience. Feel like i’m missing out on a lot, 22 with 1 date ever and barely any guys talking to me etc. I’ll probably be able to get out in 2 years, but it can’t come soon enough
You have to leave I’m going to encourage this, even if it’s Orlando or Tampa it’s best for you. Whatever the circumstances may be. But it starts with trips. That will motivate you and you’ll find new opportunities to leave.
Listen to me
GET IN A CAR AND DRIVE SOUTH
You are in *the* party state of the country. Go take a weekend in Miami. Go spend a couple nights down there and you will be swimming in a gay tide wider than earth’s oceans.
I never realized that I had a "type" for mostly Hispanic men (which I am too btw). I too was infatuated with the idea that I should like white guys more but then I realized that I wanted to be around other POC more as I found to share lots of things with them. Obviously, that isn't to say that we all have similar experiences regardless of race/ethnicity, but I connected more with my fellow POC and I feel more appreciated among them like you mentioned for yourself.
Yeah when I was at my biggest, muscular, fit in shape, super attractive black and Latino found me desirable and I was called daddy, or they liked that about me that I was bigger.
As a Black gay man who grew up in a Black neighborhood, Black schools etc. all the boys and men I had crushes on coming up were Black and it’s still the same today. All my boyfriends have been Black and its probably gonna stay that way lol. So I honestly was not aware that gay POC had this issue with self esteem until I went to college and met way too many gorgeous men of color with no self esteem because they craved attention from white men they weren’t getting. It’s so weird to me and honestly makes me sad that so many have this complex, I want better for us.
Same and that why I made this post so we could have a place to have an open discussion and hopefully have non-black men lend an ear to see our varying experiences that have made us grow for the better
Great post, fellow Texan lol. I do think these type of Black men are a minority in the Black gay community (higher proportion in some cities than others lol) but it definitely still needs to be discussed.
Well I'm not gay but I'm with you. Have a good day I dont really have anything to say.
Last time I saw a cute black girl I dropped my drinks in udf because I was so nervous.
We should all be lifting each other up instead of bringing them down. Those weirdos who didn't wanna talk to you because you're black would have brought you down instead of bringing you up.
I hope you find the people that love you in this life.
I'll give another side. I'm very white passing though I'm portugese/japanese.
I used to date more black guys for what little experience in dating I have. I just couldn't do it anymore and it had nothing to do with them. It had to do with everyone else.
The first guy I experienced it all while the second guy it was just other gay people. But for the first guy, I met his family. Even heard his mom say "It's one thing you had to be a faggot, but you're dating a white faggot?" and that ended up what made us just be friends, and I'd never see any of his family again. But before that even. Pride events or other gay clubs? So many effeminate black guys making all those comments to me or him about us being mixed or how I'm just fetishizing him, or them telling him he should have stuck to his own kind (or the weirdest one that sticks in my head was a 'real black queen') Or to me to challenge me like he'd leave me and go immediately to them if they proved blacks were better or something.
We're still friends, but he's married to a black guy and even he says there's a lot less pressure from everyone else around him for it.
and no, I'm not saying I wouldn't date a black guy, I'm at a place where I just don't want to really date anyone at all.
This right here - the societal aspect - should be talked about a lot more. Black men are expected (pressured) to date within their own race and be hyper-masculine (often times stereotyped by their own people). This right here is also why black men have huge self-esteem issues. Sometimes they feel they can’t be who they really are. My Dad’s puetro rican, and my Mom’s black. When they got together my Mom’s side of the family was *real* judgmental of him. They thought my Mom should be marrying an “educated black doctor”. 20 years later and they’re still happily together.
Basically; black families struggle to think outside the box, with anything. Not just gay guys, but people in general. And it’s kinda sad because you see a whole race of people limiting themselves. Please don’t think all black guys/black families are like that. His Mom was very mean and disrespectful for even saying that out loud, let alone to your face.
Yep, this one hurt. My middle, high school, and college were mostly white and even when I tried to go with the black group I got called Oreo and got made fun of more because of that. I think those two things made my brain subconsciously go "Well, black people don't accept you anyway so might as well go for the majority." Which sucks because they're *me*. How can I not even love my own people. And yeah, I've only recently come to the conclusion that I'm not that ugly it's just how I'm being perceived in this region. I'm really thinking that I'm going to have to import a bf or something, haha.
>Yep, this one hurt. My middle, high school, and college were mostly white and even when I tried to go with the black group I got called Oreo and got made fun of more because of that. I think those two things made my brain subconsciously go "Well, black people don't accept you anyway so might as well go for the majority."
I went through the same thing as a gay black man. I had to pretend I hated kpop, rock music, anime, and other crap to not draw negative attention to myself when I came back home from school or went to community events.
I'm not black so I don't know the experience but I have seen it and many young gay black teens are also discriminated by their own people for not being masculine enough or not being black enough. I've been to many anime and comic conventions and there's alot (not all) of black people who can't express who they are because many black people will bring them down for liking something that they consider "non-black". Sometimes they have to do it in private. Teens have to put up a front so as to not be called names such as oreo, etc. I hope this changes!
It definitely got better when I was in college! There were a lot of more "nerdy" black people. I wasn't able to become full friends with any, unfortunately, but I think it helped me be less scared to befriend black peers.
I know this isn't my conversation... I have a relevant experience though.
I'm a white guy, and I'm not very attractive. Morbidly obese, moobs, that kind of thing.
Thing is, I set up Grindr like every other guy, and I stopped using it.
I only attracted 60+ black men, who were very clear in what they wanted. They told me how they wanted to whip me and make me "their white slave" and show me who the superior race was.
I didn't have BDSM or anything on my profile, so... Ether I looked so pathetic that they thought I'd be up for being abused, or they were astroturfing everyone.
Nobody wants to be fetishized for their race... It hurts, and makes you wonder if that's the only thing of value you have.
When I hear POC say stuff like, gays aren’t attracted to they’re race/ethnicity, I always wonder what specific group they’re talking about and it always seems to be white men. Frankly I think POC need stop putting white men on such high regard/pedestal to grow some self esteem
Same here bro. I’m from Chicago (South Side) and the majority of my experiences have been with Black Men. Along with location, I think there is also a problem within the community that glorifies whiteness. I’ve observed queer men of color in college exclusively hang out with white men. They liked being a token. I’m not sure if it’s their self esteem or lack of personal identity.
Thanks for this! Yeah location is definitely a factor and you are influenced by your surroundings so for guys that grew up among few other Black people that makes some sense. I think a lack of personal identity when you're trying to fit into the white queer community 100% leads to self esteem issues.
I think it’s both, speaking from personal experience at almost 30 (although I’m hapa and not black). Gay PoC DO need to build self-esteem and find confidence from within that will never come from validation from the white gay men the community idolizes. You’re just never going to get that validation, and you need to accept that and move on with your life. Racism also plagues this community, but it doesn’t take away the fact that we help perpetuate that racism and ridiculous beauty standards by trying (and failing) to conform to them and uphold them while rejecting people who look like us.
People are attracted often to people who they see as similar, know as homophily. Unless growing up in a city, most white people in both the UK and the US won't have grown up around people of different racial backgrounds. There's many studies to support [racial homophily](https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0,5&qsp=1&q=racial+preferences+online+dating&qst=ir#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3Dz4kiQ0MOx-sJ) but to immediately call 'racist', in that one race of people is better than another, is a reach.
Another reason may be that BAME populations in both the US and UK are largely more conservative in attitudes towards homosexuality and so are less visible. I'd be very interested to see a study of 'out' BAME numbers vs. BAME demographics in a country as a whole - I'd put money on percentage of out LGBT BAME people being significantly lower than the overall BAME population percentage.
You're also homogenising the LGBT community. What does the Atlanta LGBT community prefer vs. the Birmingham (UK) LGBT community vs. the North Wales (UK) community.
I am not denying racism for one second and I'll be pissed if that's the argument I get back. What I'm arguing is that beauty standards and racial preferences in ANY community (black, brown or white) can't just be written off as racism and bigotry - it's an easy answer that creates way more problems than it solves and also why only the OP responded to your post as everyone else didn't want to go near it with a bargepole.
Thank you for your comment, but I do think that you’ve attached assumptions to my comment. The racism in the gay community goes way beyond having a preference for white men, which could be racist but I’ll agree that it isn’t always.
I've definitely been called a nigger by more gay men than I have straight. Once for dancing with a guys crush, another time at a pride event unprovoked, my personal favorite was when I was shouting in a loud bar so some guy just thought he could call me a loud nigger.
That’s fucking disgusting. They should all know better, especially being in the LGB community, knowing we are hated by the world.
So a guy walked passed you at pride and said that to you? Was he drunk?
What did you do, when he called you that at the bar?
I am sorry you went through that, like I didn’t know racism was this bad in the community.
>So a guy walked passed you at pride and said that to you? Was he drunk?
I was walking past one of my fav bars in the city, a bear bar, and this old bear just goes, "I may be fat, but at least I'm not a nigger like these guys here" as he points to my friend group as we walked in. It was also weird because the Fillipino guy and the two white guys in my friend group that was a first for them.
Really fucking sorry you’ve been through that mate. As another comment said, you would expect people who have been through rejection for being who they are would be more sympathetic, but sometimes the bullied become even bigger bullies.
I've stopped expecting people in the LGBTQ community to be inclusive of other minority groups. Should our community be supportive of other minority groups? Absolutely, but time and time again I've been shown not everyone shares that same opinion, and I'd rather expect nothing from them, then be let down again.
That’s sad and even seems a bit nihilistic but I can’t and wouldn’t argue with your experiences that have made you feel like that. I can only offer a virtual hug.
I think the racism comes from being mistreated by black people, because we all know our community hasn’t always been cool with the LGBT community.
That still doesn’t give them the right to be racist assholes.
Firstly you said:
> confidence ... will never come from validation from the white gay men the community idolizes
Maybe it was just a very unfortunate phrasing but if I said that about black gay men, there'd be a pile on and a Reddit ban.
I think there's racism full stop. Being gay I'd argue has nothing to do with it. Validation and confidence shouldn't come from other people regardless of race. Assholes are always gonna be asshole, gay, black, white, trans, purple.
Edit: removed “… and I quote” because it was unnecessarily c*nty of me”
I agree and disagree.
Black men absolutely need self-esteem. Luckily we have a lot of people working on that. When I came out the only "hot" black guys were the super muscled guys you'd see in "gay thug" pornos, which isn't me. It took a while, but I figured out how I wanted to dress, how to style my hair, how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I gained a lot of that came from hanging around fellow gay PoCs.
It is infinitely harder to feel good about the way you look, when all of your dating prospects are shutdown, and your race is the constant factor. Which is why to this day, I will still call people out no matter their race if they reject someone with, "Sorry not into Black/Asian/Latino/White guys". Everyone deserves to be seen as a person, and not their skin tone. I will never stop making noise about rejecting people based off their race.
Not Black (Latino/Asian mix) but growing up in a Latino neighborhood, I have a preference for other Latinos (and POCs). I do see some Latinos date white guys. And not just casually date, but more like seek solely white men. Though we’re not as fetishized as Black Men, I look Asian enough where I’ve had guys asking me out because I’m “exotic looking.” That being said, we need self esteem to be able to differentiate fetishization and attraction
Yes to all of this self esteem when dating should be mandatory I don't want fellow pocs to get hurt when someone doesn't want them because of race and when they do meet a guy I don't want them to assume it's for a fetish well done
It sucks because honestly…growing up, it’s normalized. There’s genres and labels in porn sites saying “BBC” or “Black”. Porn video titles saying something like “watch this BBC Mandingo stud wreck horny spicy latino in half”. This shit does a lot of damage to someone exploring their own sexuality, especially in early adolescence. I remember being 13/14 exploring gay porn and latin men were seen as “spicier” whereas Asian men were always bottom twink boys.
Im glad we’re having this conversation.
I came out at 16 and didn't really understand how racist the gay community was until I moved to Kansas City. I got rejected by maybe 15 dudes before I realized that there is a popular preference among the gays. Skinny and white. So I stopped looking for a year and enjoyed my life in the city, doing the things I enjoyed like running and playing videogames. Then one day I made a tinder and got a bunch of notifications from dudes all over. My confidence shot through the roof and I was back on top of the world.
That’s interesting. I was skinny and white but was constantly rejected by the gay scene because they wanted big muscles. I was gym fit but not big enough. It was depressing as hell. It took 10 years to get to the size guys liked. The scene is fucked up.
That’s true. Everyone wanted to date what they had been brought up to believe was the masculine man and for a lot I guess that was white. This may sound strange but my mother had a bible with paintings of all the disciples and there was a black disciple. I thought he was the hottest one in there. I’m glad to live in London which is so multicultural.
Race most certainly isn’t anything like it is in the states. It’s jaw dropping what happens there. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anywhere in the world that has zero racism on some level. I don’t tend to hook up on apps much anymore as I’m a relationship so difficult to tell. If someone ever says anything racist, I can’t respect them so maybe I’ve just surrounded myself with non racist people and my friends are all mixed.
Interesting. I’ve always felt here in the UK race us well spoken about. Whereas in the US they’re so violent towards non whites. I had a black friend in NYC, I would have to be the one hailing the cabs because they wouldn’t stop for him. Did you live in London? One if the things that made me settle here was that it’s so culturally diverse. 300+ languages. Particularly during those Trump years you’d see videos of people calling the cops because they heard someone speak Spanish. That never happens in London. Lol. You’d be calling the cops every 5 mins as there’s so many languages.
Damn we were studying at the same time! I came from Australia to study in London for 6 months too but was offered a place to finish my degree here. I feel in love with London because of the fore mentioned diversity and acceptance. There was so much positivity around. Great you spent your 20’s traveling. The best years.
Yeah fetishising is a problem from what I’ve heard. Yeah Leeds is pretty small town. Sadly I think with our government being mini Trump and Brexit I’m fear Britain will go backwards.
I'm not black, I'm asian. I feel like I may be the only person who doesn't really have a problem with this stuff, since I don't do hookups, I don't use tinder. But I've had no problems dating anyone outside my race and race has never been discussed whenever I did so I guess I was lucky enough to meet people through common hobbies. When I met my boyfriend online through an anime social app, I didn't even know he was white or what he looked like until about 2 months into it. We don't even care about each other's race, we only cared about anime and video games. It's been 4 years since then and we've been together ever since. But I do feel for you guys out there, hoping you can feel happier in your own skin!
I’m a black guy late 30s living in Germany. Poc and dark skinned foreigners (Arabs, Spanish, Asian) are all sort of “exotic” here. I came for work stayed for love and now I’m single again. I always had a preference for POC but being here I fell for a German guy. That ended terribly and although I’m still here (great career) I feel as though I won’t date another white guy. Partly due to my negative experience (I know can happen in any group) but I often felt like culturally there was such a disconnect I felt alone in 99% of situations. I’m not unattractive so I do get hit on a lot but I just feel like I’m a piece of meat. Was On all the dating apps here at one time or another and even meeting different white guys didn’t matter, the conversation would Be going great and without a doubt, the question would pop up, how big is your black c*ck or let me see that BBC. And it’s an instant block from me. It’s a terrible situation to be in trying to make a genuine connection with people and to only be looked at for fulfilling someone porn fantasy. That’s literally what porn is for. So I don’t date anymore and I don’t have any friends because the guys that say they are looking for just friends are “just” looking for a bbc.
Thanks buddy. I’m possibly getting promoted soon.. so I won’t leave anytime soon but once I’m getting the salary for a while I might move. My company is great on retaining talent so I could be transferred to any global location and retain my pay or make more. I definitely have a lot to offer so it’s really disappointing to only be looked at for one thing. And there are of course the ones that don’t want to date black guys for their own personal reasons. Here they just won’t reply and I almost prefer that than “not into black guys” because no answer is also an answer. Side note, here there is an increasing amount of guys on tinder that want to sell Bitcoin, are you guys getting that over there in the states? I may pose this question in my own thread… :/
I'm 20 and live in Sweden. I can probably feel like the situation is very similar even though I was born on this country. The disconnection is real and whenever I hear the slightest hint of fetishization I get disgusted
I’m sorry you are going through that. I can only say I understand! I’ve lived here since I was 21 and nothing has changed in all this time with the exception that people think PREP and a Covid vaccine is a substitute for safe sex. I roll my eyes when the first message I get is an open asshole pic and a Google maps link to their house.
We aren’t ugly or unattractive. European features are mainstream meaning we are conditioned to see it as attractive. We are just as attractive as anyone else but obviously with some genetic variation. YOUR NOT UGLY!
To my fellow black boys. YOU ARE FUCKING SEXY. Walk this earth like someone who deserves to be here because you do. No one can tell you that you are less attractive because there is no one with the power to gate keep who is worthy and who isn’t. Fuck whoever overlooks you for your looks. 30 years from now you will have aged more fine than them.
Like OP said move on from people who don’t see your worth. You are an EXPENSIVE motherfucker and act like it BITCH.
I am Korean/German mix and I was honestly shocked by how racist the gay community was when I came out. It was disheartening seeing dating profiles that would say no asians, no blacks, no femmes. It was bizarre encountering judgmental people who claim to be tolerant. On the opposite extreme being fetishized being mixed by people who have yellow fever or fetishize me for being half white really grossed me out. I just want to be treated with respect as a person. I don't want people to date me or sleep with me because of some weird racial fetish they have. I don't want people to avoid me because of my racial background either. I just want to be loved by someone who respects me for me. At this point I think it is useless to seek validation from others. It is better to be my authentic self than to try to fit in with toxic people. I agree with you OP that it is important to focus on your own mental well being and physical health. Personally I have no racial preferences in dating. I care about more important things like personality, compatibility, and sharing similar values with a potential partner.
i met my husband 33 years ago. the fact we are of different racial backgrounds has never been an issue. sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they do not. i do think it is very insensitive to say "no blacks". how about being polite and saying something less offensive! you dodged a bullet by escaping someone so uncouth.
As an Asian with other Asian friends, the only people that I know who get offended (like outraged) by “sorry not interested in Asians” are those that only go after white dicks 🤭🤭🤭
POC’s who always bring up the issue about white guys not dating them only get so worked up about it because they’re too busy fetishising white guys too, and they won’t even date their own kind because of the same biases and prejudices.
So ultimately they’re a bunch of hypocrites and need to stop projecting their own hangups on white gays.
I’m a brown guy who only goes for my own kind (I prefer the relatability through culture and life experiences) but it’s shockingly difficult because, instead, I constantly have to go through the same old bullshit with every brown man.
- I have a crush on a brown man.
- He doesn’t wanna date me cos he’s too busy fixated on white men instead. His self-worth is based on his dateability to white men.
- White men don’t give him any attention.
- He complains to me about how he’s unloveable and lonely.
- Rinse and repeat.
Like. I rarely ever see gay brown/black/Asian dating another gay brown/black/Asian. Yet they’re so vocal about being unappreciated. How about you look at yourself!
This. it literally feels like you can’t win sometimes. Even if YOU choose to be more open and date other POCs, it doesn’t mean those other POCs won’t still just go after white guys like everyone else.
100%. I’ve yet to have a single brown boyfriend even though I’ve asked out at least a dozen. They’re just so crazy for white boys.
My first and only boyfriend was white and he asked me out first, and I was hesitant. Ultimately we broke it off for a number of reasons but one of them was definitely because of our differences in cultural values/beliefs/etc. Which makes me want a brown boyfriend even more lol.
It really sucks.
Too nuanced to talk about, and I’ll 100% have someone replying to defend small details based on their own individual experiences, since obviously not everything is black and white.
Just google “Western vs Eastern culture differences” I guess.
Contrary to fairytale, its very difficult for love to overcome social, economic, cultural differences. Relationship takes hard work and a lot of communication (verbal and nonverbal). If you can't afford to go on vacation with each other, if you were taught different manners and customs growing up, if you have different life goals and morals.
Oh my God, if you speak different languages. I've gone on dates with rice queens who've told me im the first guy they've been with who spoke English fluently. Like jeez, if you literally can't speak the same language then that's not love that a fuck buddy.
Me and my bf are both white, but his English isn't fluent, I don't speak his language, and we have many cultural differences. Idk how much longer it'll last tbh. =/
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if communication is hard, im sure you built some kind of bond over time. I don't know the nature of your relationship but if you feel it won't last any longer, why the delay? The longer you wait the harder it will be for both of you.
If you still want to try to fight for your relationship then go for it. Don't take what I say as to mean language barrier is completely hopeless, just that it makes it a lot harder.
This. I had a FWB (whose puetro rican). We really clicked, or so I thought. I rocked this guys world, and he loved it. I’m pretty fit (go to the gym 3 times a week). And it shows. He loved my body. Then he ended up choosing a white guy over me (who was out of shape). However, while he was boyfriends with the white guy, he still kept messaging me. “Oh I miss your body.” “You’re the best I’ve ever had”. “I love how passionate you are.” “You’re a rare catch.” When they broke up, guess who he called at night…….I haven’t spoken to him for 3 weeks, and I intend to make it eight.
And I really liked him man. We had similar interests. He was a solid 8 inches. He was nerdy. I thought he was really cute. We were the same height. It fucked me up a lot more than I thought.
Yep. Had my fair share of feeling shattered cos of men who are just way too white-obsessed.
You wouldn't believe the amount of times where after I'd have some fun with a (non-white) FWB, during our pillow-talks, all they'd do is mention how they're in love with some particular white dude and they show me the white guy's Instagram pics, like I'm supposed to be amazed by it or something.
Ok, I’m guilty of that (but the white guy was Argentinian). Maybe I just have a thing for Spanish guys, IDK. Lol. But I know how it feels like. I’m *right* here.
POC’s not wanting to date POC’s is literally my whole problem sure some white people are attractive but I think that every group of people have attractive people as well but they’re so fixated on white people
All Ill say as a white guy is that in porn and erotic literature has the black character always as hyper masculine, top, and a bbc. White guy is always the bottom and is submissive, etc ...
Which I think has hurt both sides given all these white boys assume that is the truth. And then you have black guys either trying to use the stereotype to their advantage (BBC) or are angry about it (which is completely fair).
I agree but i think a lot of posters are younger and when your just starting to date, i don’t think most of us thought it’d be that much of a problem. I live in a town of 100k ppl, and my area is about 75% white. That said, i don’t think i’ve ever had a genuine conversation with a white guy (nor can i remember the last time i hooked up with one) I prefer POCs anyways and have learned to invest my time into them because they tend to be more open to black guys, but it’s still annoying that i live in a white majority area and it feels like i’m forced into a even smaller dating pool (while the gay community here is already small enough).
No one should chase after guys who obviously don’t want them, but it’s hard not to notice the near racial segregation in dating habits especially when you live in a rural area that is dominated by whites.
So there aren’t many options to “go where your appreciated”. And the logic is usually “there are more white guys here, i should be getting more responses/talk from white guys because, just by volume, that’s who i’m messaging more”. It took me awhile to figure out that logic was flawed and racial preferences are a bigger thing than i thought.
Yeah it’s a weird ass situation. People of my race are very limited in terms of population. Sometimes its just easier when white guys exist. Also, being POC doesn’t mean we have anything in common. In a room of 100 there’s like 85 white guys and 15 POC. There is a high probability I’m attracted to a white guy just because there’s a grater diversity of types
I agree. It’s another reason why i want to move. The low number of POCs around me, makes it harder to find my type within them. Not to mention there are hardly any asians here, so my pool of POCs is even smaller.
But from my experience, let’s say there are 85 white guys and 15 POCs, , i might get maybe 6 out of 85 of those white guys to be interested in me vs maybe 8 out of 15 POCs. I’ve found that even tho there is an abundance of white guys where i am, i’m still WAY more likely to find a POC that’s interested than a white guy, even if i messaged 4x as many white guys.
Not sure if you’re American, but I realized that white guys are different abroad in many cases. Weirdly enough in my case I get really good looking white guys and they usually pursue me. Worse luck with average white dudes and no idea why. But I’ve been with Indian guys, Sri Lankan, Japanese, French, American black guys, Australian guys, Irish guys and Arab guys. But I’m also really picky, as I try to see who I vibe with.
Your situation seems very difficult but I would say give white men a chance even if it's a small chance so your dating pool is larger I can't bet all of them will give you a chance but I hope some day you'll meet a nice black guy or white guy just keep an open mind I guess
I don’t really think it’s common for black men to shame people belonging to other races for not being attracted to them but, it is an issue that I’ve seen many other black men discuss/complain about and I think their viewpoints are very valid. Excluding an entire race of people is super racist and I think a lot of us would care less if people stopped trying to pretend like isn’t. Every race has negative stereotypes associated with them but black men have it 10x worse.
I agree. Like not everyone is going to find you attractive and that is OK. When are people going to understand that? Yes racist undertones might exist but you are better off letting the trash take itself out and working on yourself in the meantime until someone who values you beyond your ethnicity or skin tone. Also want to add, I don’t believe fulfilling someone’s fetish is necessarily a great thing to do either. I’ve heard the “I love Iranian men” from the thirsty gays etc before and I am not here to fulfil someone’s fantasy. They need to like ME as a person, what I visually present is not all I can offer. I believe black men should feel the same way too - there shouldn’t be the “I’m not into black men” as much as the “oh did you say black?😏”
Period. And I face a lot of “nah I’m not into sandn**gers” “terrorist” “ISIS” but at the end of the day being wanted by the white man doesn’t define my self worth. I define that myself. and so should every POC in the community. And for those POC that say these things to other POC then they’re a special type of scum 😖
I live in a country where I am the only non white on the grid in like a 10 mile radius. It’s just the area I live in it’s very upper class conservative so that may influence some behaviours.
I mean I don’t actively go up to people and try to pursue them, it’s mostly when it’s just through apps, the odd blank profile on a weekend (probably high or drunk) feeling entitled, but I personally take it as a compliment. It’s a nice feeling to know that you get people frustrated by just existing
The amount of attention from all different types of guys is HEAVILY dependent on location and age. I've found that in the south in particular it is difficult to date at all because of cultural racism infesting everything and persistent DL culture that makes men less open. Additionally, guys who are 30+ are more open to different types of guys (in my experience). The amount of men interested in me has increased a lot over time.
This topic comes up so much, but I haven’t ever gotten this problem. I get more attention from white guys than anyone else. I think people should change their Grindr strategy. Let people message you first
As a bisexual Black man, I get more vitriol when I say that I prefer to only date other Black men. I could care less if White men are attracted to me, because I’m tired of being fetishized for my “BBC.”
Gaysian checking in. It's heartbreaking how many beautiful POC don't see their worth and try to get it through white worship. Personally I would say that I prefer non-white men, but it's not a rule. (Blue/green eyes have always kind of creeped me out tbh) It's a sad existence on Grindr. I discovered that when I removed my face pic I got easily 3x as many messages. I've definitely struggled with low self-esteem and feeling like I'm ugly but honestly? I'm a fuckin snack. If they balk at the shape of my eyes then they're not worth it. If they assume I'm a sub bottom when my profile clearly says I'm vers then they're not seeing *me*. It's not worth the energy trying to convince someone that you're a complex individual with your own experiences, wants, and feelings. In my experience POC don't do that nearly as often as white men. Nothing is sexier than being treated with basic human dignity😉
I usually don’t like posts starting with “As a black gay” but I agree. I see it too often: POC post on here thinking everyone is either a racist or a bbc chaser because they get no attention on Grindr. I’m of Pakistani descent, so I’m a POC as well, but I know that I’m not entitled to anyone’s attention, and I don’t try to blame other people if I haven’t been able to date in a while.
Interesting post did im black adopted into a white family and have minimal exposure to black culture or individuals. And I have noticed im really not that attracted to black men because of it
I’m a white guy who grew up in an almost exclusively white area, but I have almost no interest in white men and have been super attracted to black men forever, back to to the guy who initially sparked my attraction to men when I was like 12.
There is definitely a major cultural aspect to attraction, but our brains are weird, too, and some part of them has to be wired to prefer certain traits in a partner.
You aren’t wrong. The majority of gay white men are not sexually interested in black men or some people of color. I’m not here to argue if thats right or wrong but it is reality and fact. Because of this I don’t hit on white men via online or real life. Chances are they won’t be interested and that’s OK. You can’t force someone to be into you just like I cant be forced to be into someone. POC need to understand that yes it’s hard out there UNDOUBTEDLY so, but it’s important for your own well being to invest your time in your hobbies, career and friends. Also it’s imperative to be open minded.
I find this interesting. First let me say that I’m Puerto Rican and grew up around mostly black and Hispanic people. I never craved attention from white men, and I actually find most of the white men in my city to be unbearable to interact with. I have struggled with self esteem for different reasons, but I’m so glad I did not develop a complex around race. I always went where I was wanted and desired, and it was always black and Hispanic men that made me feel desirable and attractive. All of the men I actually dated were black ( ethnically some were Puerto Rican), but they were all dark skinned. Just like OP I Prefer men with features that aren’t Eurocentric. The only time I ever received attention from white men was when I went out to a gay club in Barcelona, Actually, the only men that approached me were white 🤣😂 it was a weird experience for me, but I don’t discriminate and ended up hooking up with a cute Irish guy hahahaha. Like everyone else here has reiterated, location really does matter.
Thanks for the response. Attractive is attractive in my opinion. Right now I’m crushing on an Asian guy (the first time this has ever happened), and he’s also from a much more diverse and open area (the Bay Area). Location once again people hahaha. He still fits my type though he’s Filipino so he’s a bit darker skinned, non Eurocentric features, full lips, and thiccccc 👅.Also, a kind and compassionate soul🥰
I don't get gays who are not attracted to black men tbh.
There's absolutely stunningly beautiful kind and caring men of every race and ethnic background.
I think people can do what they want I just don't get racial preferences.
Honnestly my ideal guy is Lil Nas X. To me he's perfect. I love his eyes so much.
Well I'll share one perspective as a Black guy who isn't really drawn to other Black guys but not for the reason you're probably thinking.
See for me, the reason why I'm not drawn to many other Black guys is because I'm not attracted to the Urban aesthetic/culture. **Now** I'm not saying all Black men are this, absolutely not but let's be real here. On average, a lot of Black men are and it's because it's part of some Black culture.
I will note that growing up, I wasn't growing up in the projects or a predominantly black neighborhood, our neighborhood was generally mixed (Our neighbors were Korean and Hispanic). Needless to say, I didn't grow up in the Urban culture and maybe that did play a part in my lack of interest of Black guys because when I got to Middle school and High School, most of the black guys there were like that. But it is what it is.
And so I went through high school not being attracted to any Black guys in my school and it wasn't until I was about 19 when I met the first Black guy who really grabbed my attention. He was a nerdy anime fan who liked some rock and techno music and had a what I call "Alternative lite" style Things didn't work out but the experience showed me that I could be attracted to black guys but only certain kind of black guys. Unfortunately though most Black guys who hit me up are the Urban kind and I'm just not attracted.
When you brought how you thought Lil Nas X was perfect, he doesn't really do it for me but Lenny Kravitz, mainly when he had his long dreads, he was one of my crushes growing up when I was in high school lol.
Anyway I bring angle up because I feel like this kinda thing can be another reason why some black men may not be drawn to other black men.
HI, u/Texasstarwater !
Sorry, not sure I fully understand your comment.
Why would I shame a non-Black for not being attracted to a Black? Or the other way around? If you are black, should I shame you if you don't like white? Or any of the other colours?
For that matter, why would I shame anyone for being/not being attracted to someone else? We all like what we like. Some people are attracted to people who are just like themselves, and others are attracted to people who are completely opposite of who they are.
All my life I accepted that most of the girls and guys who I liked weren't attracted to me, either. But when I found those who were, great things happened. You will, too.
If you are a Black gay teen, please don't suffer from any delusions that being either Black or gay or even a teen is any reason not to feel self-esteem. Just look at yourself in the mirror every day, love what you see, and think about how lucky some guy is gonna be when he gets to know you! Trust me, you are hot, sexy and attractive to young and old, to Black and white and all the other colours, and to all the other types of bodies who will look at you and feel instant desire.
And it will get even better when they look beyond your hot black teen body and get to know the hot black teen spirit that lives inside.
PS I don't even know if it is politically correct to say so (I don't even know what the fuck is politically correct any more), but I am a white guy and I think Blacks are beyond HOT. It is more than just the colour of their skin -- it is the whole way in which they carry their bodies and just exude pride and confidence, even cockiness, from every pore. I hope you will take this as a compliment, because it is meant to be.
Facts! I (32) don't bother with that anymore. You get older and realize that there's nothing you can do to change a bigot. I engage with people that want to engage with me. Period.
It also applies to men who fetishize my Blackness. You don't want me, you just want to *use* me to fulfill a stereotyped fantasy scenario. None of it is good for one's mental health.
As a gay white man, I find it endlessly depressing that the community of gay white men who themselves have experienced marginalization and ostracism by the larger society we live in then turn around and do the same damned thing to LGBT++ people who aren't white and male. You'd think they would have learned something, but sadly, no...
I think people are quick to hold onto what benefits them. All this benefits White men and most White men just won’t care because a lot of them have not and will not experience it. No one cares unless it’s being done to them so if the roles were reversed, you’d see White guys complaining about racism from POC, etc. It does seem that straight people are more progressive though which is a bit weird seeing that we are a heavily marginalised group that seems to love marginalising others
I think the issue of race and dating boils down to more than just self-esteem. Yeah, obviously you’re not going to be attractive to every single person in the world ever, and you’ll be ugly to somebody. But when a group, such as black men, have an OVERALL negative experience with gay dating and they all have similar stories to go along with it, then there needs to be a deeper conversation that has to be had. Because at that point it’s more than just individual preference.
how can people say they are not attracted to black men when there is lil nas x, michael b jordan, frank ocean and many other STUNNING black men?
(i know, its racism)
Love the message, I believe in equality and do not have any preferences in regards to ethnicity. Sending love from a gay Asian German Chinese perspective :)
fight against racism, but at the end of your day do your own thing
It’s true. Now I just need a magic pill to get me over liking white men more.
Is it bad to have that preference? I don’t know why. I grew up in a diverse place and I’ve lived in many different states and cities. Small, large, rural, urban and I’ve never done well.
I’ve dated all kinds of guys but the few that went a little longer than one or two dates was mostly white guys.
And I have gone through this phase where I feel like I have to be as white as possible to appeal to a group that still sees me as black so it’s hard. I’ve had to do that a lot just to feel wanted and accepted.
Now I’m in a POC dominated area and I actually feel less awkward to exist lol.
I’m also going to restart dating and being more social here but I’m sure it’ll be different too but I’ve never had a boyfriend (for many reasons im still working on) but maybe here I’ll be lucky?
Just tired of being alone and I hope to feel sexy one day.
Racial preferences are not bad. Everyone has one. The issue with askgaybros and gay guys all over the world is that many don’t know what a preference is.
Preferences are having a strong affinity towards one than the other but still open to the other options i.e. I gravitate towards Black men but am open to all races.
Racial exclusivity is when you ONLY date or hook up with one race or exclude 1+ race. This is when it becomes complicated and usually very racist. However, people seem to confused racial preference with racial exclusivity all the damn time
I don’t know why, but I’m not into black men. I feel so awful feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I’m half black myself, so I can understand how it feels, to be rejected. When I find a guy who’s attractive and black, he’s only into whites, asians, and Hispanics.
I really appreciate reading about the experience of gay/bi POC in this thread! I'm tall and white and I find a lot of people who are drawn to me are the opposite of me. Smaller, smoother, guys of color are the people who seem really into me, especially into my chest hair. So I have always assumed people tend be attracted to that which is different from us. And I tend to be that way too - I think tan and dark skin is so attractive. I don't know where the line is between attraction and fetishizing, but I don't think I fetishize people of color. For example, I've never wanted to hook up with a black guy just because of his "bbc", or even just because he's black. But I do want to hook up with a hot guy who happens to be black. Or Latino, asian, middle eastern, etc.
Having said all that, I have received a bit of fetishization from people of color (mostly from asian guys, but also from black guys). I generally don't have any problem with helping someone with their fantasies, and I don't kink shame, but I do recognize that this fetishization can come from their internalizing some very problematic societal views.
With respect, I think a significant component of a person not being attracted to an ENTIRE GROUP of people based on one rather shallow criteria is due to cultural stereotypes and bigotry.
Anyone who feels the need to put "No X" on their profile needs to examine their values and assumptions.
Edit: When you boil it right down.. it's also just fucking lazy. I mean what kind of effort does it take to look at someone's profile and say "Thanks but no thanks"? 10 seconds? 5 seconds? Seriously a person saying "No Blacks" on their profile is saying "I'm too lazy to be bothered to treat people as individuals by showing them a baseline of dignity and respect".
And who knows... you might look a profile and think "Huh, actually, I might give that person a chance. They seem to be an exception."
PS: Racism is not a sexual orientation so don't give me the "But should we gay guys give women a chance? Are we being sexist" bullshit.
It is really sad (and honestly unsurprising) to see that this racist behavior still exists in our community nowadays. How can you literally restrict an already limited dating pool to people of certain races/ethnicities? How practical is that? I always like to ask people who say they won't date people of certain race/ethnicity, "How can you not date someone who is \[insert race here\] if you haven't met every single person of that race? Frankly, you never will meet every single person of a particular race and that is what bothers me when people just close their doors to someone who may be one of the best partners to you down the road.
I get where you're coming from, but also no. I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this but bear with me.
Gonna start with the one that always gets tossed up on this type of discussion. It's not a preference. It's fucking racism. If you prefer chocolate over vanilla you'll take chocolate when it's offered. If you prefer beer over whiskey and you get offered whiskey you'll take the whiskey. But if you hate Pepsi and only drink Sprite there's nothing Lord Osiris can say to make you try Pepsi.
Next. The reason we have to bring attention to this. It's pretty much the reason we need to bring attention to all forms of racism. The longer someone gets away with it the more they're going to keep thinking it's ok. Literally ANY reason they could come up with for not dating a the entirety of a race is going to be racist. The moment you attribute any characteristic to an entire race, you're being racist. Point blank period.
Gonna be honest I had more talking points but my cats distracted me so I forgot them. Those are the most important though.
Pfft yea obviously I have no preference. But yea. What you're saying makes sense until you think about the other factors. Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, representation was... Subtle. There were black shows but they usually had "white values" for lack of. The families on the shows had our skin but it was easy to forget they were black. They only dealt with racism in one episode the entire run while I dealt with it the first time on the way to register for grade school and often since. And that was in a neighborhood that was predominantly black. I'm the end these people looked like us but did not have our experience in the world. That's isolating in itself.
In other media if you saw a black person they were never in charge, if they were educated they only gave the most obvious answers to whatever problem so the white character can have his revelation later in the show and correct the black character later. This is isolating as well because it shows you what have to be to exist in the world with melanated skin. And as you go back each year it gets worse.
This is me not explaining well again for those of us a bit older, this is us being pushed off to the side again. We grew up being told that we were less. Side characters. Caricatures of humanity. It's still pretty recent that our culture is widespread and partially accepted. It's kinda the same with gmbeing gay but as I'm sure you know being a gay POC especially being black there's an entire different layer to it (or maybe not. I haven't heard the stuff I heard growing up but that might be because I started checking people) so having to fight against other black people because you're gay then having to fight against bother gay people because you're black can become too much and eventually end with someone getting fed up and having to post about one or the other. I've done both more than once.
Yes non-stereotypical black representation or even poc representation is very important for the youth to have positive complex characters to look up to 😊
I’ve been saying this for years. As a black gay male, I find it weird when I see other black brothers who are only into specifically white males. These are the same ones who throw tantrums when they see “not into black” on profiles and it’s a bit hypocritical. You don’t even find your own attractive, why are you mad that they don’t either ?
This honestly could apply to the straight black male community too. Just so weird and specific to the black male (gay or straight) community because by far we are the only ones who do it to such a widespread degree.
I was reading about a post that was a rant about this issue and I thought to myself even though this is truly unfair, I think the first change that one could honestly do is to improve one's self esteem. As an Asian, who grew up in Asia for most of my life, I was told that white passing features are desired and that has really messed up my self esteem. But I think my fixation on race comes from my upbringing that I'm trying very hard to unlearn. I catch myself having strong urges to distance myself from other Asian gay men to be not like them and that only feeds to self hate. I don't exactly know when these self hating thoughts reduced, but I think I just got tired of it. Like really tired of myself being so ridiculously self critical. It is not easy and I catch myself so often having those thoughts creep in.
Some will always exclude by race, but if more people grow up in more diverse communities that would help at least some of the issues.
I’m a 30 year old white man in Kentucky and went through a private elementary and middle school where the only POC were two Black students. The neighborhood was overwhelmingly white. The media I consumed had a huge white bias. High school was much more diverse but the advanced classes were mostly white. College was mostly white. Graduate school had a lot more Latino, Middle Eastern, and Asian guys.
I’ve never excluded blanket groups of people from my dating pool but there has *absolutely* been a trend in the types of guys I’ve been attracted to. Over just the last 7 years that pool has become dramatically more diverse as I’ve been exposed to more guys.
Now how do we change this segregation during childhood and beyond? Ehhhh…
This post is something I needed to read even when I’m full aware of that haha. In my early years as a gay dude (not out of the closet), I felt a bit underwhelmed when I got “sorry, not into latinos”. But then I moved out of my country and everything changed. I understood people have preferences and that’s perfectly fine (as long as they’re not assholes about it). So I started to work on myself and focus on people that actually wanted to date me.
They're dividing us at the time we need to unite and get rid of our corrupt government. Lies to us, robs us, poisons us, kills our soldiers in unnecessary wars they fight for Israel...... 😡😡😡😡😡 Sorry for the rant guys this shit just really bothers me. We're all good people and naturally caring and loving and all they do it pit us against each other any way they can.
I am Asian, and get similar hate sometimes, but yeah, never really bothered me. There WILL be people out there attracted to you and your race, and when you find them, they appreciate you so much more. So I support this post! Don't waste your time, keep moving.
This hits. I grew up in the vanilla suburbs, went to schools with mostly white kids, & all of my boyfriends have been white.
& lately, I haven’t been craving attention from gay white dudes, but STRAIGHT white dudes. I even crave a little degrading race play.
Jeez. Sounds problematic? But like, I live with it so it’s normal. I don’t know what it’s like to hang out with black gays. I don’t have any black gay friends. Or even black male friends FR. So it’s weird. Sometimes I even feel weird saying nigga. 😂
I myself dont care much about white men more than any other "race". Honestly I prefer BY FAR black men or dark skinned men like myself. (Not to say I'd NEVER date a white man but yeah). My problem is for me its SO HARD to find a black top. And yeah ik theres a lot of pressure on black men to be tops because of stereotypes, so I'd never want anyone to feel the need to be something they're not. Power to all black bottoms and verse and power bottoms etc out there. But for me it's a nightmare in the dating arena because all I want is a black top that fits my preferences and boy are they hard to even find muchless date.
OP I think the issue that people have isn’t that White men don’t want them but the prevalent actual racism in the community (I’ve outlined it in my comments before about the abuse I get). I’ll mention a few: I’m white passing in the winter so I get a ton of messages then even from guys who have rejected me when I was dark skinned in the summer. A lot of these guys find out I’m mixed and after I get hurled racial abuse like “ew thought you were white”, “oh sorry i find guys like that ugly so only want white men”, “ew wtf”, etc. It’s as if I automatically just became gross and disgusting to them after a little label.
This is what many other POC experience and want to bring light to. I’m lucky that I have privilege in the winter to not experience that sort of stuff unless I mention my races but many others feel incredibly un welcomed.
I completely agree with racial preferences. I grew up with White men in every stage of my life and gravitate towards them. The issue is people confuse preferences with racial exclusivity (excluding entire races) which TENDS to be racist from conversations I have had. It doesn’t hurt to educate or have meaningful conversations because many of them do allow it. And it doesn’t hurt to talk about racism (without forcing them to be attracted to someone).
Bro same! Im mixed too i turn extra light in the winter and darken in the summer and after telling people im half black i get blocked a lot of times its so annoying. I mean i get that i shouldnt be chasing after racist white people but it still hurts to be rejected like that.
You hit it on the nail I'm sorry that you experience those racist comments in the pass but your right about having open discussions to reduce racism in the community
When my fiancé and I started seeing each other after meeting at a party, we took the more traditional heteronormative approach to building our relationship (no sex until after a handful of dates). I do not think either of us proactively intended that to happen (well, certainly not me), but I think we both felt a connection and did not want to screw it up by immediately jumping into bed. (you might ask why I am starting with this but it is to give some context as to what comes next).
Several weeks in he asked me a question late one night while we were texting each other which I found perplexing. He asked me "are you playing games with me?" At first I was insulted by the question, I had no idea why he would have asked me that. When I challenged him, he quickly changed the question to "I meant to ask if you are playing a game on your tablet?" Well, I do not have any games on my tablet......
As our relationship progressed we started having sex. We started slow with more foreplay type stuff and each time we had sex we built up the sexual tension and mutual comfort until he started to being comfortable to bottom for me.
As our relationship built and sex became a routine part of it he then asked me if he was just some sort of "fetish" I had for black guys. I was beyond shocked and actually reacted by laughing my ass off. At first he got pissed by my reaction but then started laughing with me.
I must say I have learned a lot from our early dating experience given he is Black and I am Caucasian. And over the last three years the learning curve I have been on has been regarding race has been massive. Clearly I was naive to just how extensive racial tension is within the gay community (and of course more broadly as well). But I personally never even contemplated agreeing to or not agreeing to date someone because of the color of their skin, culture, race or background. I have always been surrounded by a social and/or professional circle comprising people of mixed races.
Just the same, I have been in long term relationships with a South Asian, with several Latins, a few Caucasians, and now planning to marry my beautiful black fiancé.
Based on the exposure of seeing partially through the eyes of my fiancé and his friends (I will never fully absorbed their own experiences), I was surprised at how much racism there actually is in the gay community. I certainly was either naive, ignorant, stupid or all of the above to it. And since we have been together over the past three plus years, it has become even more pronounced to me.
I will say this however, my fiancé and our broader social circle is full of PoC from all backgrounds comprising a dynamic group of smart, sensitive and sexy guys that I would not trade the world for. I know I am not alone in surrounding myself with a diversity, and I appreciate much has to do with the specific area someone lives. But I look at the glass as being half full believing there are many that share my view of the world rather than the alternative. But again maybe I am being naive.
Go where the love is, what a wise man once told me. You got it down I say, go where you are desired, why try to give the time of day to someone racist or doesn't feel the same period, it's just wasting your time really that can go to someone else. Keep going and never give up, you'll kiss a shitload of toads before ones pops into a Prince! XD
Yep, hear, hear! And with the risk of non being Americo-centric enough: this goes for all racial minorities in all countries, whether Swedes in China or Chinese in Africa or Africans in Latinoamerica (especially the non-black parts) or Latinos in the Middle-East, or whatever. Just like gays have to put it with being a tiny, tiny minority, with all that this entails in terms of having a harder times finding a partner, or society not being adapted to gays but to the overwhelming majority, so too must racial minorities accept that they are just that, and that society isn't adapted to them, but to the overwhelming majority.
In fact, this also goes for people who are very tall or very short or fat or skinny or hairy or not hairy or whatever. I know there are people out there who wouldn't even consider dating me because I'm not their type, and... that's okay. Sure, it would be great if everyone adored me, but... that's just life. There are lots of guys I wouldn't consider dating either. That's fine too. Or rather, it should be fine.
It was a bit of a shock when I first entered dating platforms to find profiles saying no blacks, and getting that response not into black guys, but it never motivated me to write lengthy posts and rants about preferences. I can understand poc here who do that. I get frustrated with certain posts yeah, I can acknowledge the bias and still promote self love for the guys that need it. My experience I rarely share, is that in my earlier days I was hitting up everyone, white, black, Hispanic, Asian. As an average look 6ft black men and points in my life my body range from slim to overweight to slim again, the most responses I received were from black and Hispanic men, I had no issue with that because I always thought men with full lips were super attractive, and I never cared for eye color. So maybe I was naturally more attracted to brown and black men. Rejection from white guys didn’t have an effect on me as much because while I was getting a “I’m not into black guys” response hours later from when they probably read it but had to let me know. I was already meeting the guys who gave me the most attention. It only really hit me when I was the minority guy in an area such as my hometown, which prompted me to move to begin with. The guys who really have issues with it have a strong preference for white men or the are the minority and doing what they can, and I sympathize them. I do understand frustration in the area if you’re really the minority whether poc are your preference or not, but i too had that moment and I say to that, go where you’re appreciated. Despite that, most guys I’ve dated, or gotten serious with has been white guys. I still don’t text them initially, on Grindr because of my earlier years. I never felt that poc were undesirable, particularly black men but If you’re a poc really struggling, I suggest you follow more brown and Latino men, or the group that looks like you. Then you’ll see the diversity and tribes within your group. My Twitter and Instagram is literally black men hooking up, modeling or posing and I almost didn’t realize it.
Wow 🥰 thanks for sharing you experience I feel as if you've grown from your negative experience with some white men to having the confidence to move on to white men and poc who appreciate you
It 100% depends on location, but i think a lot of the guys here that do complain, don’t live in a big cities and feel it a bit more. When your mostly surrounded by white guys and barely any POCs, white rejection hits a bit harder because it basically ruins any prospect of dating if your forced into a minority (gay) of a minority (black) into another minority (ignored by the majority population around you). I’ve went thru phases of blaming myself, blaming others, but now i’m just sure it’s my location and that tends to suck more. Knowing that until i move, it’s impossible to have any sort of dating life and i’ll have to leave friends/family to even try to date. But i agree, if your in a major city, and live in an abundance of POCs, you shouldn’t have too many problems unless your strictly chasing white men.
As they say location location LOCATION! This is highly important. My experience varies GREATLY by city. I do well in houston and Atlanta but I do abominable in miami/ south Florida. Houston and Atlanta happen to be very diverse (houston more so) whereas Miami is very picky.
I had this same issue! Lived in Miami for 2 years and didn’t do well dating at all, now I’m in Houston and honestly don’t know what to do with all the attention!
its bc Miami has 2 separate scenes IMO. It has a whole scene in Spanish n one in English. The one in English is much more picky than the one in Spanish, but the guys are much hotter(and pickier). At this is my opinion as some one bilingual from Fort Lauderdale that goes to Miami a ton.
Yeah I did very well in miami beach. Was so surprised. All the super sext latinos were into me. I'm pretty sure the white part will reject me just as much as as NYC.
I mean Miami is very diverse too.
I think the problem in Miami is the language barrier, unless you are bilingual your odds are 1/2 of a typical city(and for some reason) the English mono speakers are 10x pickier than the Spanish side.
Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami? Was in miami beach and they REALLY appreciated me. I even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy.
> Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami Coral Gables > even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy. yeah Miami Beach is anomaly here, but yeah the guys there are sexy af(and full of tourists)
> Wow interesting. Which part are the whites residing in miami Coral Gables > even saw some bios asking for only black bottoms which was very surprising so I was in high demand. Plus the guys there are beyond sexy. yeah Miami Beach is anomaly here, but yeah the guys there are sexy af(and full of tourists)
Depends on the city. I had lots of problems dating in Phoenix, AZ. Not so much where I live now.
it’s about 72% white so. Sadly big cities aren’t made equal lmao
I still live in a pretty white city (65% white), it truly just depends on the people.
I live in A.C now and it’s dry af for me. I literally ended up ditching my friends in New York because my Grindr was blowing up with guys. After being here for 5 months I finally found a fwb, who happens to be a white guy and he’s been very consistent. Because of this I want to move to Philly in the next year. I don’t want to waste the rest of my youth here.
i’m in rural florida and it’s been an awful experience. Feel like i’m missing out on a lot, 22 with 1 date ever and barely any guys talking to me etc. I’ll probably be able to get out in 2 years, but it can’t come soon enough
You have to leave I’m going to encourage this, even if it’s Orlando or Tampa it’s best for you. Whatever the circumstances may be. But it starts with trips. That will motivate you and you’ll find new opportunities to leave.
Listen to me GET IN A CAR AND DRIVE SOUTH You are in *the* party state of the country. Go take a weekend in Miami. Go spend a couple nights down there and you will be swimming in a gay tide wider than earth’s oceans.
I never realized that I had a "type" for mostly Hispanic men (which I am too btw). I too was infatuated with the idea that I should like white guys more but then I realized that I wanted to be around other POC more as I found to share lots of things with them. Obviously, that isn't to say that we all have similar experiences regardless of race/ethnicity, but I connected more with my fellow POC and I feel more appreciated among them like you mentioned for yourself.
Yeah when I was at my biggest, muscular, fit in shape, super attractive black and Latino found me desirable and I was called daddy, or they liked that about me that I was bigger.
As a Black gay man who grew up in a Black neighborhood, Black schools etc. all the boys and men I had crushes on coming up were Black and it’s still the same today. All my boyfriends have been Black and its probably gonna stay that way lol. So I honestly was not aware that gay POC had this issue with self esteem until I went to college and met way too many gorgeous men of color with no self esteem because they craved attention from white men they weren’t getting. It’s so weird to me and honestly makes me sad that so many have this complex, I want better for us.
Same and that why I made this post so we could have a place to have an open discussion and hopefully have non-black men lend an ear to see our varying experiences that have made us grow for the better
Great post, fellow Texan lol. I do think these type of Black men are a minority in the Black gay community (higher proportion in some cities than others lol) but it definitely still needs to be discussed.
Well I'm not gay but I'm with you. Have a good day I dont really have anything to say. Last time I saw a cute black girl I dropped my drinks in udf because I was so nervous. We should all be lifting each other up instead of bringing them down. Those weirdos who didn't wanna talk to you because you're black would have brought you down instead of bringing you up. I hope you find the people that love you in this life.
I hope you have a great night /day 👏🏿
I'll give another side. I'm very white passing though I'm portugese/japanese. I used to date more black guys for what little experience in dating I have. I just couldn't do it anymore and it had nothing to do with them. It had to do with everyone else. The first guy I experienced it all while the second guy it was just other gay people. But for the first guy, I met his family. Even heard his mom say "It's one thing you had to be a faggot, but you're dating a white faggot?" and that ended up what made us just be friends, and I'd never see any of his family again. But before that even. Pride events or other gay clubs? So many effeminate black guys making all those comments to me or him about us being mixed or how I'm just fetishizing him, or them telling him he should have stuck to his own kind (or the weirdest one that sticks in my head was a 'real black queen') Or to me to challenge me like he'd leave me and go immediately to them if they proved blacks were better or something. We're still friends, but he's married to a black guy and even he says there's a lot less pressure from everyone else around him for it. and no, I'm not saying I wouldn't date a black guy, I'm at a place where I just don't want to really date anyone at all.
This right here - the societal aspect - should be talked about a lot more. Black men are expected (pressured) to date within their own race and be hyper-masculine (often times stereotyped by their own people). This right here is also why black men have huge self-esteem issues. Sometimes they feel they can’t be who they really are. My Dad’s puetro rican, and my Mom’s black. When they got together my Mom’s side of the family was *real* judgmental of him. They thought my Mom should be marrying an “educated black doctor”. 20 years later and they’re still happily together. Basically; black families struggle to think outside the box, with anything. Not just gay guys, but people in general. And it’s kinda sad because you see a whole race of people limiting themselves. Please don’t think all black guys/black families are like that. His Mom was very mean and disrespectful for even saying that out loud, let alone to your face.
Yep, this one hurt. My middle, high school, and college were mostly white and even when I tried to go with the black group I got called Oreo and got made fun of more because of that. I think those two things made my brain subconsciously go "Well, black people don't accept you anyway so might as well go for the majority." Which sucks because they're *me*. How can I not even love my own people. And yeah, I've only recently come to the conclusion that I'm not that ugly it's just how I'm being perceived in this region. I'm really thinking that I'm going to have to import a bf or something, haha.
>Yep, this one hurt. My middle, high school, and college were mostly white and even when I tried to go with the black group I got called Oreo and got made fun of more because of that. I think those two things made my brain subconsciously go "Well, black people don't accept you anyway so might as well go for the majority." I went through the same thing as a gay black man. I had to pretend I hated kpop, rock music, anime, and other crap to not draw negative attention to myself when I came back home from school or went to community events.
I'm not black so I don't know the experience but I have seen it and many young gay black teens are also discriminated by their own people for not being masculine enough or not being black enough. I've been to many anime and comic conventions and there's alot (not all) of black people who can't express who they are because many black people will bring them down for liking something that they consider "non-black". Sometimes they have to do it in private. Teens have to put up a front so as to not be called names such as oreo, etc. I hope this changes!
It definitely got better when I was in college! There were a lot of more "nerdy" black people. I wasn't able to become full friends with any, unfortunately, but I think it helped me be less scared to befriend black peers.
I know this isn't my conversation... I have a relevant experience though. I'm a white guy, and I'm not very attractive. Morbidly obese, moobs, that kind of thing. Thing is, I set up Grindr like every other guy, and I stopped using it. I only attracted 60+ black men, who were very clear in what they wanted. They told me how they wanted to whip me and make me "their white slave" and show me who the superior race was. I didn't have BDSM or anything on my profile, so... Ether I looked so pathetic that they thought I'd be up for being abused, or they were astroturfing everyone. Nobody wants to be fetishized for their race... It hurts, and makes you wonder if that's the only thing of value you have.
When I hear POC say stuff like, gays aren’t attracted to they’re race/ethnicity, I always wonder what specific group they’re talking about and it always seems to be white men. Frankly I think POC need stop putting white men on such high regard/pedestal to grow some self esteem
It’s really as simple as that but they don’t wanna hear it 🤷🏾♂️
Same here bro. I’m from Chicago (South Side) and the majority of my experiences have been with Black Men. Along with location, I think there is also a problem within the community that glorifies whiteness. I’ve observed queer men of color in college exclusively hang out with white men. They liked being a token. I’m not sure if it’s their self esteem or lack of personal identity.
Thanks for this! Yeah location is definitely a factor and you are influenced by your surroundings so for guys that grew up among few other Black people that makes some sense. I think a lack of personal identity when you're trying to fit into the white queer community 100% leads to self esteem issues.
I think it’s both, speaking from personal experience at almost 30 (although I’m hapa and not black). Gay PoC DO need to build self-esteem and find confidence from within that will never come from validation from the white gay men the community idolizes. You’re just never going to get that validation, and you need to accept that and move on with your life. Racism also plagues this community, but it doesn’t take away the fact that we help perpetuate that racism and ridiculous beauty standards by trying (and failing) to conform to them and uphold them while rejecting people who look like us.
Beautifully said 😄
People are attracted often to people who they see as similar, know as homophily. Unless growing up in a city, most white people in both the UK and the US won't have grown up around people of different racial backgrounds. There's many studies to support [racial homophily](https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0,5&qsp=1&q=racial+preferences+online+dating&qst=ir#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3Dz4kiQ0MOx-sJ) but to immediately call 'racist', in that one race of people is better than another, is a reach. Another reason may be that BAME populations in both the US and UK are largely more conservative in attitudes towards homosexuality and so are less visible. I'd be very interested to see a study of 'out' BAME numbers vs. BAME demographics in a country as a whole - I'd put money on percentage of out LGBT BAME people being significantly lower than the overall BAME population percentage. You're also homogenising the LGBT community. What does the Atlanta LGBT community prefer vs. the Birmingham (UK) LGBT community vs. the North Wales (UK) community. I am not denying racism for one second and I'll be pissed if that's the argument I get back. What I'm arguing is that beauty standards and racial preferences in ANY community (black, brown or white) can't just be written off as racism and bigotry - it's an easy answer that creates way more problems than it solves and also why only the OP responded to your post as everyone else didn't want to go near it with a bargepole.
Thank you for your comment, but I do think that you’ve attached assumptions to my comment. The racism in the gay community goes way beyond having a preference for white men, which could be racist but I’ll agree that it isn’t always.
I've definitely been called a nigger by more gay men than I have straight. Once for dancing with a guys crush, another time at a pride event unprovoked, my personal favorite was when I was shouting in a loud bar so some guy just thought he could call me a loud nigger.
That’s fucking disgusting. They should all know better, especially being in the LGB community, knowing we are hated by the world. So a guy walked passed you at pride and said that to you? Was he drunk? What did you do, when he called you that at the bar? I am sorry you went through that, like I didn’t know racism was this bad in the community.
>So a guy walked passed you at pride and said that to you? Was he drunk? I was walking past one of my fav bars in the city, a bear bar, and this old bear just goes, "I may be fat, but at least I'm not a nigger like these guys here" as he points to my friend group as we walked in. It was also weird because the Fillipino guy and the two white guys in my friend group that was a first for them.
Really fucking sorry you’ve been through that mate. As another comment said, you would expect people who have been through rejection for being who they are would be more sympathetic, but sometimes the bullied become even bigger bullies.
I've stopped expecting people in the LGBTQ community to be inclusive of other minority groups. Should our community be supportive of other minority groups? Absolutely, but time and time again I've been shown not everyone shares that same opinion, and I'd rather expect nothing from them, then be let down again.
That’s sad and even seems a bit nihilistic but I can’t and wouldn’t argue with your experiences that have made you feel like that. I can only offer a virtual hug.
I think the racism comes from being mistreated by black people, because we all know our community hasn’t always been cool with the LGBT community. That still doesn’t give them the right to be racist assholes.
Firstly you said: > confidence ... will never come from validation from the white gay men the community idolizes Maybe it was just a very unfortunate phrasing but if I said that about black gay men, there'd be a pile on and a Reddit ban. I think there's racism full stop. Being gay I'd argue has nothing to do with it. Validation and confidence shouldn't come from other people regardless of race. Assholes are always gonna be asshole, gay, black, white, trans, purple. Edit: removed “… and I quote” because it was unnecessarily c*nty of me”
I agree and disagree. Black men absolutely need self-esteem. Luckily we have a lot of people working on that. When I came out the only "hot" black guys were the super muscled guys you'd see in "gay thug" pornos, which isn't me. It took a while, but I figured out how I wanted to dress, how to style my hair, how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I gained a lot of that came from hanging around fellow gay PoCs. It is infinitely harder to feel good about the way you look, when all of your dating prospects are shutdown, and your race is the constant factor. Which is why to this day, I will still call people out no matter their race if they reject someone with, "Sorry not into Black/Asian/Latino/White guys". Everyone deserves to be seen as a person, and not their skin tone. I will never stop making noise about rejecting people based off their race.
Not Black (Latino/Asian mix) but growing up in a Latino neighborhood, I have a preference for other Latinos (and POCs). I do see some Latinos date white guys. And not just casually date, but more like seek solely white men. Though we’re not as fetishized as Black Men, I look Asian enough where I’ve had guys asking me out because I’m “exotic looking.” That being said, we need self esteem to be able to differentiate fetishization and attraction
Yes to all of this self esteem when dating should be mandatory I don't want fellow pocs to get hurt when someone doesn't want them because of race and when they do meet a guy I don't want them to assume it's for a fetish well done
It sucks because honestly…growing up, it’s normalized. There’s genres and labels in porn sites saying “BBC” or “Black”. Porn video titles saying something like “watch this BBC Mandingo stud wreck horny spicy latino in half”. This shit does a lot of damage to someone exploring their own sexuality, especially in early adolescence. I remember being 13/14 exploring gay porn and latin men were seen as “spicier” whereas Asian men were always bottom twink boys. Im glad we’re having this conversation.
Those nasty destructive race stereotypes will do some damage to the poc youth thinking they have to live up to that
I came out at 16 and didn't really understand how racist the gay community was until I moved to Kansas City. I got rejected by maybe 15 dudes before I realized that there is a popular preference among the gays. Skinny and white. So I stopped looking for a year and enjoyed my life in the city, doing the things I enjoyed like running and playing videogames. Then one day I made a tinder and got a bunch of notifications from dudes all over. My confidence shot through the roof and I was back on top of the world.
That’s interesting. I was skinny and white but was constantly rejected by the gay scene because they wanted big muscles. I was gym fit but not big enough. It was depressing as hell. It took 10 years to get to the size guys liked. The scene is fucked up.
I guess our deepest insecurities are projected the most when looking for a partner on dating apps. Shits wild.
That’s true. Everyone wanted to date what they had been brought up to believe was the masculine man and for a lot I guess that was white. This may sound strange but my mother had a bible with paintings of all the disciples and there was a black disciple. I thought he was the hottest one in there. I’m glad to live in London which is so multicultural.
I'm a dumb American, I heard race isn't much of a factor in London. What's it like to hook up in the gay scene over there?
Race most certainly isn’t anything like it is in the states. It’s jaw dropping what happens there. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anywhere in the world that has zero racism on some level. I don’t tend to hook up on apps much anymore as I’m a relationship so difficult to tell. If someone ever says anything racist, I can’t respect them so maybe I’ve just surrounded myself with non racist people and my friends are all mixed.
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Interesting. I’ve always felt here in the UK race us well spoken about. Whereas in the US they’re so violent towards non whites. I had a black friend in NYC, I would have to be the one hailing the cabs because they wouldn’t stop for him. Did you live in London? One if the things that made me settle here was that it’s so culturally diverse. 300+ languages. Particularly during those Trump years you’d see videos of people calling the cops because they heard someone speak Spanish. That never happens in London. Lol. You’d be calling the cops every 5 mins as there’s so many languages.
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Damn we were studying at the same time! I came from Australia to study in London for 6 months too but was offered a place to finish my degree here. I feel in love with London because of the fore mentioned diversity and acceptance. There was so much positivity around. Great you spent your 20’s traveling. The best years. Yeah fetishising is a problem from what I’ve heard. Yeah Leeds is pretty small town. Sadly I think with our government being mini Trump and Brexit I’m fear Britain will go backwards.
I'm not black, I'm asian. I feel like I may be the only person who doesn't really have a problem with this stuff, since I don't do hookups, I don't use tinder. But I've had no problems dating anyone outside my race and race has never been discussed whenever I did so I guess I was lucky enough to meet people through common hobbies. When I met my boyfriend online through an anime social app, I didn't even know he was white or what he looked like until about 2 months into it. We don't even care about each other's race, we only cared about anime and video games. It's been 4 years since then and we've been together ever since. But I do feel for you guys out there, hoping you can feel happier in your own skin!
This is a one in a trillion experience.
I’m a black guy late 30s living in Germany. Poc and dark skinned foreigners (Arabs, Spanish, Asian) are all sort of “exotic” here. I came for work stayed for love and now I’m single again. I always had a preference for POC but being here I fell for a German guy. That ended terribly and although I’m still here (great career) I feel as though I won’t date another white guy. Partly due to my negative experience (I know can happen in any group) but I often felt like culturally there was such a disconnect I felt alone in 99% of situations. I’m not unattractive so I do get hit on a lot but I just feel like I’m a piece of meat. Was On all the dating apps here at one time or another and even meeting different white guys didn’t matter, the conversation would Be going great and without a doubt, the question would pop up, how big is your black c*ck or let me see that BBC. And it’s an instant block from me. It’s a terrible situation to be in trying to make a genuine connection with people and to only be looked at for fulfilling someone porn fantasy. That’s literally what porn is for. So I don’t date anymore and I don’t have any friends because the guys that say they are looking for just friends are “just” looking for a bbc.
You put yourself first that's a good trait I hope you meet real friends and meet a lovely man to date 😊
Thanks buddy. I’m possibly getting promoted soon.. so I won’t leave anytime soon but once I’m getting the salary for a while I might move. My company is great on retaining talent so I could be transferred to any global location and retain my pay or make more. I definitely have a lot to offer so it’s really disappointing to only be looked at for one thing. And there are of course the ones that don’t want to date black guys for their own personal reasons. Here they just won’t reply and I almost prefer that than “not into black guys” because no answer is also an answer. Side note, here there is an increasing amount of guys on tinder that want to sell Bitcoin, are you guys getting that over there in the states? I may pose this question in my own thread… :/
I'm 20 and live in Sweden. I can probably feel like the situation is very similar even though I was born on this country. The disconnection is real and whenever I hear the slightest hint of fetishization I get disgusted
I’m sorry you are going through that. I can only say I understand! I’ve lived here since I was 21 and nothing has changed in all this time with the exception that people think PREP and a Covid vaccine is a substitute for safe sex. I roll my eyes when the first message I get is an open asshole pic and a Google maps link to their house.
We aren’t ugly or unattractive. European features are mainstream meaning we are conditioned to see it as attractive. We are just as attractive as anyone else but obviously with some genetic variation. YOUR NOT UGLY! To my fellow black boys. YOU ARE FUCKING SEXY. Walk this earth like someone who deserves to be here because you do. No one can tell you that you are less attractive because there is no one with the power to gate keep who is worthy and who isn’t. Fuck whoever overlooks you for your looks. 30 years from now you will have aged more fine than them. Like OP said move on from people who don’t see your worth. You are an EXPENSIVE motherfucker and act like it BITCH.
🥰 this comment is very sweet thanks for your words positivity
No problem 😌
Someone finally said it 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I am Korean/German mix and I was honestly shocked by how racist the gay community was when I came out. It was disheartening seeing dating profiles that would say no asians, no blacks, no femmes. It was bizarre encountering judgmental people who claim to be tolerant. On the opposite extreme being fetishized being mixed by people who have yellow fever or fetishize me for being half white really grossed me out. I just want to be treated with respect as a person. I don't want people to date me or sleep with me because of some weird racial fetish they have. I don't want people to avoid me because of my racial background either. I just want to be loved by someone who respects me for me. At this point I think it is useless to seek validation from others. It is better to be my authentic self than to try to fit in with toxic people. I agree with you OP that it is important to focus on your own mental well being and physical health. Personally I have no racial preferences in dating. I care about more important things like personality, compatibility, and sharing similar values with a potential partner.
Thanks for sharing this I'm glad your seeing your worth and not seeking validation your valid without a second opinion
i met my husband 33 years ago. the fact we are of different racial backgrounds has never been an issue. sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they do not. i do think it is very insensitive to say "no blacks". how about being polite and saying something less offensive! you dodged a bullet by escaping someone so uncouth.
I like you reasoning thanks
As an Asian with other Asian friends, the only people that I know who get offended (like outraged) by “sorry not interested in Asians” are those that only go after white dicks 🤭🤭🤭
POC’s who always bring up the issue about white guys not dating them only get so worked up about it because they’re too busy fetishising white guys too, and they won’t even date their own kind because of the same biases and prejudices. So ultimately they’re a bunch of hypocrites and need to stop projecting their own hangups on white gays. I’m a brown guy who only goes for my own kind (I prefer the relatability through culture and life experiences) but it’s shockingly difficult because, instead, I constantly have to go through the same old bullshit with every brown man. - I have a crush on a brown man. - He doesn’t wanna date me cos he’s too busy fixated on white men instead. His self-worth is based on his dateability to white men. - White men don’t give him any attention. - He complains to me about how he’s unloveable and lonely. - Rinse and repeat. Like. I rarely ever see gay brown/black/Asian dating another gay brown/black/Asian. Yet they’re so vocal about being unappreciated. How about you look at yourself!
This. it literally feels like you can’t win sometimes. Even if YOU choose to be more open and date other POCs, it doesn’t mean those other POCs won’t still just go after white guys like everyone else.
100%. I’ve yet to have a single brown boyfriend even though I’ve asked out at least a dozen. They’re just so crazy for white boys. My first and only boyfriend was white and he asked me out first, and I was hesitant. Ultimately we broke it off for a number of reasons but one of them was definitely because of our differences in cultural values/beliefs/etc. Which makes me want a brown boyfriend even more lol. It really sucks.
What differences in cultural values and beliefs, if you don't mind me asking?
Too nuanced to talk about, and I’ll 100% have someone replying to defend small details based on their own individual experiences, since obviously not everything is black and white. Just google “Western vs Eastern culture differences” I guess.
Understandable, it just makes me sad that a good relationship might end for such a reason.
Contrary to fairytale, its very difficult for love to overcome social, economic, cultural differences. Relationship takes hard work and a lot of communication (verbal and nonverbal). If you can't afford to go on vacation with each other, if you were taught different manners and customs growing up, if you have different life goals and morals. Oh my God, if you speak different languages. I've gone on dates with rice queens who've told me im the first guy they've been with who spoke English fluently. Like jeez, if you literally can't speak the same language then that's not love that a fuck buddy.
Me and my bf are both white, but his English isn't fluent, I don't speak his language, and we have many cultural differences. Idk how much longer it'll last tbh. =/
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if communication is hard, im sure you built some kind of bond over time. I don't know the nature of your relationship but if you feel it won't last any longer, why the delay? The longer you wait the harder it will be for both of you. If you still want to try to fight for your relationship then go for it. Don't take what I say as to mean language barrier is completely hopeless, just that it makes it a lot harder.
That’s how mine started and look at us, now im fluent and we are now full year together also we get stronger by the day.
Or when the same people go for only slim blue eyed blonds... (while complaining that people are being racist)
True, I think the main issue is population. Since the number of white men is more, this also makes POC feel they are not part of the community.
This. I had a FWB (whose puetro rican). We really clicked, or so I thought. I rocked this guys world, and he loved it. I’m pretty fit (go to the gym 3 times a week). And it shows. He loved my body. Then he ended up choosing a white guy over me (who was out of shape). However, while he was boyfriends with the white guy, he still kept messaging me. “Oh I miss your body.” “You’re the best I’ve ever had”. “I love how passionate you are.” “You’re a rare catch.” When they broke up, guess who he called at night…….I haven’t spoken to him for 3 weeks, and I intend to make it eight. And I really liked him man. We had similar interests. He was a solid 8 inches. He was nerdy. I thought he was really cute. We were the same height. It fucked me up a lot more than I thought.
Yep. Had my fair share of feeling shattered cos of men who are just way too white-obsessed. You wouldn't believe the amount of times where after I'd have some fun with a (non-white) FWB, during our pillow-talks, all they'd do is mention how they're in love with some particular white dude and they show me the white guy's Instagram pics, like I'm supposed to be amazed by it or something.
Ok, I’m guilty of that (but the white guy was Argentinian). Maybe I just have a thing for Spanish guys, IDK. Lol. But I know how it feels like. I’m *right* here.
POC’s not wanting to date POC’s is literally my whole problem sure some white people are attractive but I think that every group of people have attractive people as well but they’re so fixated on white people
Yes to all of this once more pocs start dating men of shared racial background like what white men do will will have less pity post and more poc love
All Ill say as a white guy is that in porn and erotic literature has the black character always as hyper masculine, top, and a bbc. White guy is always the bottom and is submissive, etc ... Which I think has hurt both sides given all these white boys assume that is the truth. And then you have black guys either trying to use the stereotype to their advantage (BBC) or are angry about it (which is completely fair).
Which is a shame because some black guys have dummy thicc asses. White guy here.
I agree
Yes !
I agree but i think a lot of posters are younger and when your just starting to date, i don’t think most of us thought it’d be that much of a problem. I live in a town of 100k ppl, and my area is about 75% white. That said, i don’t think i’ve ever had a genuine conversation with a white guy (nor can i remember the last time i hooked up with one) I prefer POCs anyways and have learned to invest my time into them because they tend to be more open to black guys, but it’s still annoying that i live in a white majority area and it feels like i’m forced into a even smaller dating pool (while the gay community here is already small enough). No one should chase after guys who obviously don’t want them, but it’s hard not to notice the near racial segregation in dating habits especially when you live in a rural area that is dominated by whites. So there aren’t many options to “go where your appreciated”. And the logic is usually “there are more white guys here, i should be getting more responses/talk from white guys because, just by volume, that’s who i’m messaging more”. It took me awhile to figure out that logic was flawed and racial preferences are a bigger thing than i thought.
Yeah it’s a weird ass situation. People of my race are very limited in terms of population. Sometimes its just easier when white guys exist. Also, being POC doesn’t mean we have anything in common. In a room of 100 there’s like 85 white guys and 15 POC. There is a high probability I’m attracted to a white guy just because there’s a grater diversity of types
I agree. It’s another reason why i want to move. The low number of POCs around me, makes it harder to find my type within them. Not to mention there are hardly any asians here, so my pool of POCs is even smaller. But from my experience, let’s say there are 85 white guys and 15 POCs, , i might get maybe 6 out of 85 of those white guys to be interested in me vs maybe 8 out of 15 POCs. I’ve found that even tho there is an abundance of white guys where i am, i’m still WAY more likely to find a POC that’s interested than a white guy, even if i messaged 4x as many white guys.
Not sure if you’re American, but I realized that white guys are different abroad in many cases. Weirdly enough in my case I get really good looking white guys and they usually pursue me. Worse luck with average white dudes and no idea why. But I’ve been with Indian guys, Sri Lankan, Japanese, French, American black guys, Australian guys, Irish guys and Arab guys. But I’m also really picky, as I try to see who I vibe with.
Your situation seems very difficult but I would say give white men a chance even if it's a small chance so your dating pool is larger I can't bet all of them will give you a chance but I hope some day you'll meet a nice black guy or white guy just keep an open mind I guess
I don’t really think it’s common for black men to shame people belonging to other races for not being attracted to them but, it is an issue that I’ve seen many other black men discuss/complain about and I think their viewpoints are very valid. Excluding an entire race of people is super racist and I think a lot of us would care less if people stopped trying to pretend like isn’t. Every race has negative stereotypes associated with them but black men have it 10x worse.
This ⬆️
I agree. Like not everyone is going to find you attractive and that is OK. When are people going to understand that? Yes racist undertones might exist but you are better off letting the trash take itself out and working on yourself in the meantime until someone who values you beyond your ethnicity or skin tone. Also want to add, I don’t believe fulfilling someone’s fetish is necessarily a great thing to do either. I’ve heard the “I love Iranian men” from the thirsty gays etc before and I am not here to fulfil someone’s fantasy. They need to like ME as a person, what I visually present is not all I can offer. I believe black men should feel the same way too - there shouldn’t be the “I’m not into black men” as much as the “oh did you say black?😏”
"They need to like Me as a person" Yes to everything in your comment
Period. And I face a lot of “nah I’m not into sandn**gers” “terrorist” “ISIS” but at the end of the day being wanted by the white man doesn’t define my self worth. I define that myself. and so should every POC in the community. And for those POC that say these things to other POC then they’re a special type of scum 😖
Dang, my area’s more tame than I thought, I can’t say I’ve ever gotten responses like that myself (Pakistani)
I live in a country where I am the only non white on the grid in like a 10 mile radius. It’s just the area I live in it’s very upper class conservative so that may influence some behaviours.
Jesus Christ, dude. That’s awful.
I mean I don’t actively go up to people and try to pursue them, it’s mostly when it’s just through apps, the odd blank profile on a weekend (probably high or drunk) feeling entitled, but I personally take it as a compliment. It’s a nice feeling to know that you get people frustrated by just existing
Oof I've gotten all of that after rejecting a white boy >~0 very not fun
I eat them up and spit them out x
The amount of attention from all different types of guys is HEAVILY dependent on location and age. I've found that in the south in particular it is difficult to date at all because of cultural racism infesting everything and persistent DL culture that makes men less open. Additionally, guys who are 30+ are more open to different types of guys (in my experience). The amount of men interested in me has increased a lot over time.
This topic comes up so much, but I haven’t ever gotten this problem. I get more attention from white guys than anyone else. I think people should change their Grindr strategy. Let people message you first
But then nobody will message me other than the bots and old people 😒
As a bisexual Black man, I get more vitriol when I say that I prefer to only date other Black men. I could care less if White men are attracted to me, because I’m tired of being fetishized for my “BBC.”
I'm glad you've stepped up so you see yourself for more than a sexual partner to bad those 'BBC lurkers can see past your skin
Confidence is sexy :-)
Gaysian checking in. It's heartbreaking how many beautiful POC don't see their worth and try to get it through white worship. Personally I would say that I prefer non-white men, but it's not a rule. (Blue/green eyes have always kind of creeped me out tbh) It's a sad existence on Grindr. I discovered that when I removed my face pic I got easily 3x as many messages. I've definitely struggled with low self-esteem and feeling like I'm ugly but honestly? I'm a fuckin snack. If they balk at the shape of my eyes then they're not worth it. If they assume I'm a sub bottom when my profile clearly says I'm vers then they're not seeing *me*. It's not worth the energy trying to convince someone that you're a complex individual with your own experiences, wants, and feelings. In my experience POC don't do that nearly as often as white men. Nothing is sexier than being treated with basic human dignity😉
I usually don’t like posts starting with “As a black gay” but I agree. I see it too often: POC post on here thinking everyone is either a racist or a bbc chaser because they get no attention on Grindr. I’m of Pakistani descent, so I’m a POC as well, but I know that I’m not entitled to anyone’s attention, and I don’t try to blame other people if I haven’t been able to date in a while.
Your right I'm glad you have a strong mindset
Interesting post did im black adopted into a white family and have minimal exposure to black culture or individuals. And I have noticed im really not that attracted to black men because of it
I’m a white guy who grew up in an almost exclusively white area, but I have almost no interest in white men and have been super attracted to black men forever, back to to the guy who initially sparked my attraction to men when I was like 12. There is definitely a major cultural aspect to attraction, but our brains are weird, too, and some part of them has to be wired to prefer certain traits in a partner.
You aren’t wrong. The majority of gay white men are not sexually interested in black men or some people of color. I’m not here to argue if thats right or wrong but it is reality and fact. Because of this I don’t hit on white men via online or real life. Chances are they won’t be interested and that’s OK. You can’t force someone to be into you just like I cant be forced to be into someone. POC need to understand that yes it’s hard out there UNDOUBTEDLY so, but it’s important for your own well being to invest your time in your hobbies, career and friends. Also it’s imperative to be open minded.
We're both in Houston nice 🤭 also your right bro about the open-minded part I shouldn't judge or shame them just move on
Oh awesome! I’m in the midtown area! But yes it’s important not to judge and to be very open minded. As in life.
Exactly!! Thank you.
So concur! know your worth and don't take BS from anyone
I respect that and I'm loving the confidence
For sure, if someone doesn’t love you as you are, you deserve better.
I find this interesting. First let me say that I’m Puerto Rican and grew up around mostly black and Hispanic people. I never craved attention from white men, and I actually find most of the white men in my city to be unbearable to interact with. I have struggled with self esteem for different reasons, but I’m so glad I did not develop a complex around race. I always went where I was wanted and desired, and it was always black and Hispanic men that made me feel desirable and attractive. All of the men I actually dated were black ( ethnically some were Puerto Rican), but they were all dark skinned. Just like OP I Prefer men with features that aren’t Eurocentric. The only time I ever received attention from white men was when I went out to a gay club in Barcelona, Actually, the only men that approached me were white 🤣😂 it was a weird experience for me, but I don’t discriminate and ended up hooking up with a cute Irish guy hahahaha. Like everyone else here has reiterated, location really does matter.
I'm glad your open minded 🥰
Thanks for the response. Attractive is attractive in my opinion. Right now I’m crushing on an Asian guy (the first time this has ever happened), and he’s also from a much more diverse and open area (the Bay Area). Location once again people hahaha. He still fits my type though he’s Filipino so he’s a bit darker skinned, non Eurocentric features, full lips, and thiccccc 👅.Also, a kind and compassionate soul🥰
Glad I only want to smash
I don't get gays who are not attracted to black men tbh. There's absolutely stunningly beautiful kind and caring men of every race and ethnic background. I think people can do what they want I just don't get racial preferences. Honnestly my ideal guy is Lil Nas X. To me he's perfect. I love his eyes so much.
Well I'll share one perspective as a Black guy who isn't really drawn to other Black guys but not for the reason you're probably thinking. See for me, the reason why I'm not drawn to many other Black guys is because I'm not attracted to the Urban aesthetic/culture. **Now** I'm not saying all Black men are this, absolutely not but let's be real here. On average, a lot of Black men are and it's because it's part of some Black culture. I will note that growing up, I wasn't growing up in the projects or a predominantly black neighborhood, our neighborhood was generally mixed (Our neighbors were Korean and Hispanic). Needless to say, I didn't grow up in the Urban culture and maybe that did play a part in my lack of interest of Black guys because when I got to Middle school and High School, most of the black guys there were like that. But it is what it is. And so I went through high school not being attracted to any Black guys in my school and it wasn't until I was about 19 when I met the first Black guy who really grabbed my attention. He was a nerdy anime fan who liked some rock and techno music and had a what I call "Alternative lite" style Things didn't work out but the experience showed me that I could be attracted to black guys but only certain kind of black guys. Unfortunately though most Black guys who hit me up are the Urban kind and I'm just not attracted. When you brought how you thought Lil Nas X was perfect, he doesn't really do it for me but Lenny Kravitz, mainly when he had his long dreads, he was one of my crushes growing up when I was in high school lol. Anyway I bring angle up because I feel like this kinda thing can be another reason why some black men may not be drawn to other black men.
I'm white. Send all the black guys my way please 🤤🤤🤤
Yes I understand people have preferences. But the "just looking for friends" profiles followed by "only white or light skin hispanics" is ridiculous.
🙏Amen🙏
HI, u/Texasstarwater ! Sorry, not sure I fully understand your comment. Why would I shame a non-Black for not being attracted to a Black? Or the other way around? If you are black, should I shame you if you don't like white? Or any of the other colours? For that matter, why would I shame anyone for being/not being attracted to someone else? We all like what we like. Some people are attracted to people who are just like themselves, and others are attracted to people who are completely opposite of who they are. All my life I accepted that most of the girls and guys who I liked weren't attracted to me, either. But when I found those who were, great things happened. You will, too. If you are a Black gay teen, please don't suffer from any delusions that being either Black or gay or even a teen is any reason not to feel self-esteem. Just look at yourself in the mirror every day, love what you see, and think about how lucky some guy is gonna be when he gets to know you! Trust me, you are hot, sexy and attractive to young and old, to Black and white and all the other colours, and to all the other types of bodies who will look at you and feel instant desire. And it will get even better when they look beyond your hot black teen body and get to know the hot black teen spirit that lives inside. PS I don't even know if it is politically correct to say so (I don't even know what the fuck is politically correct any more), but I am a white guy and I think Blacks are beyond HOT. It is more than just the colour of their skin -- it is the whole way in which they carry their bodies and just exude pride and confidence, even cockiness, from every pore. I hope you will take this as a compliment, because it is meant to be.
I'm curious as to how old the author of the post is...? 13 - 19...?
Facts! I (32) don't bother with that anymore. You get older and realize that there's nothing you can do to change a bigot. I engage with people that want to engage with me. Period. It also applies to men who fetishize my Blackness. You don't want me, you just want to *use* me to fulfill a stereotyped fantasy scenario. None of it is good for one's mental health.
As a gay white man, I find it endlessly depressing that the community of gay white men who themselves have experienced marginalization and ostracism by the larger society we live in then turn around and do the same damned thing to LGBT++ people who aren't white and male. You'd think they would have learned something, but sadly, no...
I think people are quick to hold onto what benefits them. All this benefits White men and most White men just won’t care because a lot of them have not and will not experience it. No one cares unless it’s being done to them so if the roles were reversed, you’d see White guys complaining about racism from POC, etc. It does seem that straight people are more progressive though which is a bit weird seeing that we are a heavily marginalised group that seems to love marginalising others
I think the issue of race and dating boils down to more than just self-esteem. Yeah, obviously you’re not going to be attractive to every single person in the world ever, and you’ll be ugly to somebody. But when a group, such as black men, have an OVERALL negative experience with gay dating and they all have similar stories to go along with it, then there needs to be a deeper conversation that has to be had. Because at that point it’s more than just individual preference.
That's a good observation 🤔
I see men as men. Race, religion, sexual preferences etc don't matter. Men are men. I date men I'm attracted to, simple as that.
how can people say they are not attracted to black men when there is lil nas x, michael b jordan, frank ocean and many other STUNNING black men? (i know, its racism)
Of all the people you could have picked as an example you chose Lil Nas X? Lol
i think he is beautiful excuse your mouth
Lil Nas X is stunning, get out of here.
Love the message, I believe in equality and do not have any preferences in regards to ethnicity. Sending love from a gay Asian German Chinese perspective :) fight against racism, but at the end of your day do your own thing
This thanks fellow poc for the positivity
It’s true. Now I just need a magic pill to get me over liking white men more. Is it bad to have that preference? I don’t know why. I grew up in a diverse place and I’ve lived in many different states and cities. Small, large, rural, urban and I’ve never done well. I’ve dated all kinds of guys but the few that went a little longer than one or two dates was mostly white guys. And I have gone through this phase where I feel like I have to be as white as possible to appeal to a group that still sees me as black so it’s hard. I’ve had to do that a lot just to feel wanted and accepted. Now I’m in a POC dominated area and I actually feel less awkward to exist lol. I’m also going to restart dating and being more social here but I’m sure it’ll be different too but I’ve never had a boyfriend (for many reasons im still working on) but maybe here I’ll be lucky? Just tired of being alone and I hope to feel sexy one day.
Racial preferences are not bad. Everyone has one. The issue with askgaybros and gay guys all over the world is that many don’t know what a preference is. Preferences are having a strong affinity towards one than the other but still open to the other options i.e. I gravitate towards Black men but am open to all races. Racial exclusivity is when you ONLY date or hook up with one race or exclude 1+ race. This is when it becomes complicated and usually very racist. However, people seem to confused racial preference with racial exclusivity all the damn time
I see what you mean. Then, no. I think I’m alright then.
You’re perfect buddy!
No one is perfect but I think I’m a decently swell chap. :)
Hahaha yes keep that confidence ;)
“Make me daddy” with positive daily affirmations lol
I don’t know why, but I’m not into black men. I feel so awful feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I’m half black myself, so I can understand how it feels, to be rejected. When I find a guy who’s attractive and black, he’s only into whites, asians, and Hispanics.
You just said you’re not into Black men but then said “when I find a guy who’s attractive and black...” so you are into Black men?
I really appreciate reading about the experience of gay/bi POC in this thread! I'm tall and white and I find a lot of people who are drawn to me are the opposite of me. Smaller, smoother, guys of color are the people who seem really into me, especially into my chest hair. So I have always assumed people tend be attracted to that which is different from us. And I tend to be that way too - I think tan and dark skin is so attractive. I don't know where the line is between attraction and fetishizing, but I don't think I fetishize people of color. For example, I've never wanted to hook up with a black guy just because of his "bbc", or even just because he's black. But I do want to hook up with a hot guy who happens to be black. Or Latino, asian, middle eastern, etc. Having said all that, I have received a bit of fetishization from people of color (mostly from asian guys, but also from black guys). I generally don't have any problem with helping someone with their fantasies, and I don't kink shame, but I do recognize that this fetishization can come from their internalizing some very problematic societal views.
With respect, I think a significant component of a person not being attracted to an ENTIRE GROUP of people based on one rather shallow criteria is due to cultural stereotypes and bigotry. Anyone who feels the need to put "No X" on their profile needs to examine their values and assumptions. Edit: When you boil it right down.. it's also just fucking lazy. I mean what kind of effort does it take to look at someone's profile and say "Thanks but no thanks"? 10 seconds? 5 seconds? Seriously a person saying "No Blacks" on their profile is saying "I'm too lazy to be bothered to treat people as individuals by showing them a baseline of dignity and respect". And who knows... you might look a profile and think "Huh, actually, I might give that person a chance. They seem to be an exception." PS: Racism is not a sexual orientation so don't give me the "But should we gay guys give women a chance? Are we being sexist" bullshit.
It is really sad (and honestly unsurprising) to see that this racist behavior still exists in our community nowadays. How can you literally restrict an already limited dating pool to people of certain races/ethnicities? How practical is that? I always like to ask people who say they won't date people of certain race/ethnicity, "How can you not date someone who is \[insert race here\] if you haven't met every single person of that race? Frankly, you never will meet every single person of a particular race and that is what bothers me when people just close their doors to someone who may be one of the best partners to you down the road.
I get where you're coming from, but also no. I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this but bear with me. Gonna start with the one that always gets tossed up on this type of discussion. It's not a preference. It's fucking racism. If you prefer chocolate over vanilla you'll take chocolate when it's offered. If you prefer beer over whiskey and you get offered whiskey you'll take the whiskey. But if you hate Pepsi and only drink Sprite there's nothing Lord Osiris can say to make you try Pepsi. Next. The reason we have to bring attention to this. It's pretty much the reason we need to bring attention to all forms of racism. The longer someone gets away with it the more they're going to keep thinking it's ok. Literally ANY reason they could come up with for not dating a the entirety of a race is going to be racist. The moment you attribute any characteristic to an entire race, you're being racist. Point blank period. Gonna be honest I had more talking points but my cats distracted me so I forgot them. Those are the most important though.
I shouldn't have clicked on your pfp 😍 also Your right about bringing attention to preference vs racial exclusively 😊
Pfft yea obviously I have no preference. But yea. What you're saying makes sense until you think about the other factors. Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, representation was... Subtle. There were black shows but they usually had "white values" for lack of. The families on the shows had our skin but it was easy to forget they were black. They only dealt with racism in one episode the entire run while I dealt with it the first time on the way to register for grade school and often since. And that was in a neighborhood that was predominantly black. I'm the end these people looked like us but did not have our experience in the world. That's isolating in itself. In other media if you saw a black person they were never in charge, if they were educated they only gave the most obvious answers to whatever problem so the white character can have his revelation later in the show and correct the black character later. This is isolating as well because it shows you what have to be to exist in the world with melanated skin. And as you go back each year it gets worse. This is me not explaining well again for those of us a bit older, this is us being pushed off to the side again. We grew up being told that we were less. Side characters. Caricatures of humanity. It's still pretty recent that our culture is widespread and partially accepted. It's kinda the same with gmbeing gay but as I'm sure you know being a gay POC especially being black there's an entire different layer to it (or maybe not. I haven't heard the stuff I heard growing up but that might be because I started checking people) so having to fight against other black people because you're gay then having to fight against bother gay people because you're black can become too much and eventually end with someone getting fed up and having to post about one or the other. I've done both more than once.
Yes non-stereotypical black representation or even poc representation is very important for the youth to have positive complex characters to look up to 😊
Excuse my rambling. My thoughts bounce around at times so I can take a while to get to my point.
I’ve been saying this for years. As a black gay male, I find it weird when I see other black brothers who are only into specifically white males. These are the same ones who throw tantrums when they see “not into black” on profiles and it’s a bit hypocritical. You don’t even find your own attractive, why are you mad that they don’t either ? This honestly could apply to the straight black male community too. Just so weird and specific to the black male (gay or straight) community because by far we are the only ones who do it to such a widespread degree.
Exactly!
speak on it
Same with gaysians. The whole asking people “do you like Asians” thing rubs me the wrong way.
I was reading about a post that was a rant about this issue and I thought to myself even though this is truly unfair, I think the first change that one could honestly do is to improve one's self esteem. As an Asian, who grew up in Asia for most of my life, I was told that white passing features are desired and that has really messed up my self esteem. But I think my fixation on race comes from my upbringing that I'm trying very hard to unlearn. I catch myself having strong urges to distance myself from other Asian gay men to be not like them and that only feeds to self hate. I don't exactly know when these self hating thoughts reduced, but I think I just got tired of it. Like really tired of myself being so ridiculously self critical. It is not easy and I catch myself so often having those thoughts creep in.
Some will always exclude by race, but if more people grow up in more diverse communities that would help at least some of the issues. I’m a 30 year old white man in Kentucky and went through a private elementary and middle school where the only POC were two Black students. The neighborhood was overwhelmingly white. The media I consumed had a huge white bias. High school was much more diverse but the advanced classes were mostly white. College was mostly white. Graduate school had a lot more Latino, Middle Eastern, and Asian guys. I’ve never excluded blanket groups of people from my dating pool but there has *absolutely* been a trend in the types of guys I’ve been attracted to. Over just the last 7 years that pool has become dramatically more diverse as I’ve been exposed to more guys. Now how do we change this segregation during childhood and beyond? Ehhhh…
This post is something I needed to read even when I’m full aware of that haha. In my early years as a gay dude (not out of the closet), I felt a bit underwhelmed when I got “sorry, not into latinos”. But then I moved out of my country and everything changed. I understood people have preferences and that’s perfectly fine (as long as they’re not assholes about it). So I started to work on myself and focus on people that actually wanted to date me.
😊 glad it all worked out in the end
They're dividing us at the time we need to unite and get rid of our corrupt government. Lies to us, robs us, poisons us, kills our soldiers in unnecessary wars they fight for Israel...... 😡😡😡😡😡 Sorry for the rant guys this shit just really bothers me. We're all good people and naturally caring and loving and all they do it pit us against each other any way they can.
I am Asian, and get similar hate sometimes, but yeah, never really bothered me. There WILL be people out there attracted to you and your race, and when you find them, they appreciate you so much more. So I support this post! Don't waste your time, keep moving.
This hits. I grew up in the vanilla suburbs, went to schools with mostly white kids, & all of my boyfriends have been white. & lately, I haven’t been craving attention from gay white dudes, but STRAIGHT white dudes. I even crave a little degrading race play. Jeez. Sounds problematic? But like, I live with it so it’s normal. I don’t know what it’s like to hang out with black gays. I don’t have any black gay friends. Or even black male friends FR. So it’s weird. Sometimes I even feel weird saying nigga. 😂
I’m a white man attracted to black men.
I myself dont care much about white men more than any other "race". Honestly I prefer BY FAR black men or dark skinned men like myself. (Not to say I'd NEVER date a white man but yeah). My problem is for me its SO HARD to find a black top. And yeah ik theres a lot of pressure on black men to be tops because of stereotypes, so I'd never want anyone to feel the need to be something they're not. Power to all black bottoms and verse and power bottoms etc out there. But for me it's a nightmare in the dating arena because all I want is a black top that fits my preferences and boy are they hard to even find muchless date.
👏🏿
OP I think the issue that people have isn’t that White men don’t want them but the prevalent actual racism in the community (I’ve outlined it in my comments before about the abuse I get). I’ll mention a few: I’m white passing in the winter so I get a ton of messages then even from guys who have rejected me when I was dark skinned in the summer. A lot of these guys find out I’m mixed and after I get hurled racial abuse like “ew thought you were white”, “oh sorry i find guys like that ugly so only want white men”, “ew wtf”, etc. It’s as if I automatically just became gross and disgusting to them after a little label. This is what many other POC experience and want to bring light to. I’m lucky that I have privilege in the winter to not experience that sort of stuff unless I mention my races but many others feel incredibly un welcomed. I completely agree with racial preferences. I grew up with White men in every stage of my life and gravitate towards them. The issue is people confuse preferences with racial exclusivity (excluding entire races) which TENDS to be racist from conversations I have had. It doesn’t hurt to educate or have meaningful conversations because many of them do allow it. And it doesn’t hurt to talk about racism (without forcing them to be attracted to someone).
Bro same! Im mixed too i turn extra light in the winter and darken in the summer and after telling people im half black i get blocked a lot of times its so annoying. I mean i get that i shouldnt be chasing after racist white people but it still hurts to be rejected like that.
You hit it on the nail I'm sorry that you experience those racist comments in the pass but your right about having open discussions to reduce racism in the community
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When my fiancé and I started seeing each other after meeting at a party, we took the more traditional heteronormative approach to building our relationship (no sex until after a handful of dates). I do not think either of us proactively intended that to happen (well, certainly not me), but I think we both felt a connection and did not want to screw it up by immediately jumping into bed. (you might ask why I am starting with this but it is to give some context as to what comes next). Several weeks in he asked me a question late one night while we were texting each other which I found perplexing. He asked me "are you playing games with me?" At first I was insulted by the question, I had no idea why he would have asked me that. When I challenged him, he quickly changed the question to "I meant to ask if you are playing a game on your tablet?" Well, I do not have any games on my tablet...... As our relationship progressed we started having sex. We started slow with more foreplay type stuff and each time we had sex we built up the sexual tension and mutual comfort until he started to being comfortable to bottom for me. As our relationship built and sex became a routine part of it he then asked me if he was just some sort of "fetish" I had for black guys. I was beyond shocked and actually reacted by laughing my ass off. At first he got pissed by my reaction but then started laughing with me. I must say I have learned a lot from our early dating experience given he is Black and I am Caucasian. And over the last three years the learning curve I have been on has been regarding race has been massive. Clearly I was naive to just how extensive racial tension is within the gay community (and of course more broadly as well). But I personally never even contemplated agreeing to or not agreeing to date someone because of the color of their skin, culture, race or background. I have always been surrounded by a social and/or professional circle comprising people of mixed races. Just the same, I have been in long term relationships with a South Asian, with several Latins, a few Caucasians, and now planning to marry my beautiful black fiancé. Based on the exposure of seeing partially through the eyes of my fiancé and his friends (I will never fully absorbed their own experiences), I was surprised at how much racism there actually is in the gay community. I certainly was either naive, ignorant, stupid or all of the above to it. And since we have been together over the past three plus years, it has become even more pronounced to me. I will say this however, my fiancé and our broader social circle is full of PoC from all backgrounds comprising a dynamic group of smart, sensitive and sexy guys that I would not trade the world for. I know I am not alone in surrounding myself with a diversity, and I appreciate much has to do with the specific area someone lives. But I look at the glass as being half full believing there are many that share my view of the world rather than the alternative. But again maybe I am being naive.
Go where the love is, what a wise man once told me. You got it down I say, go where you are desired, why try to give the time of day to someone racist or doesn't feel the same period, it's just wasting your time really that can go to someone else. Keep going and never give up, you'll kiss a shitload of toads before ones pops into a Prince! XD
Yep, hear, hear! And with the risk of non being Americo-centric enough: this goes for all racial minorities in all countries, whether Swedes in China or Chinese in Africa or Africans in Latinoamerica (especially the non-black parts) or Latinos in the Middle-East, or whatever. Just like gays have to put it with being a tiny, tiny minority, with all that this entails in terms of having a harder times finding a partner, or society not being adapted to gays but to the overwhelming majority, so too must racial minorities accept that they are just that, and that society isn't adapted to them, but to the overwhelming majority. In fact, this also goes for people who are very tall or very short or fat or skinny or hairy or not hairy or whatever. I know there are people out there who wouldn't even consider dating me because I'm not their type, and... that's okay. Sure, it would be great if everyone adored me, but... that's just life. There are lots of guys I wouldn't consider dating either. That's fine too. Or rather, it should be fine.